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Tv, Only Fools And Horses S01E07 1981 - Christmas Crackers
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00:00Stick a pony in me pocket
00:05I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:09Cause if you are the best ones
00:12But you don't ask questions
00:14Then brother, I'm your man
00:17Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21It's like the changing of the seasons
00:23And the tides of the sea
00:25But here's the one that's driving me berserk
00:28Why do only fools and horses work
00:32La-la-la-la
00:34La-la-la-la-la
00:36La-la-la-la
00:37La-la-la-la-la
00:40La-la-la-la
00:41La-la-la-la-la-la
00:43Oh, yeah.
00:50Oi, granddad, you want to see this book Mickey Pierce lent me?
00:54It teaches you how to say filthy things to women from great distances
00:57Without actually speaking
00:59They can't sit their brothers on you or nothing
01:01Do you like your baked potatoes really well done, Rodney?
01:07Have I got a choice?
01:08Well, not really
01:10Yeah, I like them really well done, granddad
01:13I like them all burnt up so they look like rock-hard prunes
01:16Oh, good
01:18Well, dinner won't be long, then
01:20Body language?
01:26Yeah, it's no good for you, granddad
01:27You'd need an interpreter
01:28Oi, up
01:30All right, granddad
01:32Dinner ruined yet?
01:34Coming along nicely, Del boy
01:36Ah, good, good
01:37Here, hang on, hang on
01:38Here you go, look
01:39There's a score for you
01:41A little Christmas present, you all right?
01:42Oh, cheers, Del, that's very nice of you
01:45I didn't get you nothing
01:48I don't agree with the commercialisation of a Christian festival
01:52I don't believe that
01:55I don't believe that
01:56He actually took my money and then gave me a rollicking
01:58It's like being mugged by a magistrate
02:00Oh, and Merry Christmas
02:04Yeah
02:05And a partridge up your pear tree and all your salty old dins
02:08Here, what happened to you today, then?
02:10I thought I'd see you down the old nag's head
02:12For a pre-lunch and a pair of tea
02:15And some light conversation
02:17You know, whatever them little headbangers are yours
02:21Nah
02:21Stomach's still a bit dicey, you know
02:24Sort of burning pains
02:26Well, that'll teach you to play Russian roulette with a mutton vindaloo, won't it?
02:29No
02:30This is psychosomatic, mate
02:33Eh?
02:33This is me brain sending messages down to me belly
02:36Warning it that granddad's rotten Christmas dinner will be on its way down soon
02:39Have a butcher's in that kitchen, Del
02:42It's all smoke and smells
02:44It's horrible
02:45He's got baked potatoes in there
02:47Look more like lumps of anthracite
02:49There's green stuff in there, right?
02:52I don't know what it is
02:53I was going to ask
02:54Then I thought I'd better wait till you got in
02:55Why'd you let him do it, Del?
02:58Well, it's tradition, isn't it?
02:59He's been cooking the Christmas dinner ever since Mum went
03:02Yeah, he's been cocking it up ever since Mum went
03:04What do you want?
03:06What do you want, eh?
03:07A sacrableur chef or something?
03:09Look, I don't fancy it any more than you do, Rodders
03:11But, you know
03:12What can we do about it, eh?
03:14Well, let's pretend we both become vegetarians, eh?
03:16Then we won't have to eat his turkey
03:18Don't be a dipstick all your life, Rodney
03:20If we pretend that we're vegetarians
03:23We'll end up with a plate full of anthracite and green stuff
03:26Well, I'm going to say I'm on hunger strike
03:28Some kind of humanitarian grounds
03:30Oh, leave it out, will you?
03:32Leave it out
03:33I remember the last time that you went on hunger strike
03:36Over a protest about the American cruise missiles
03:39Being based in Britain
03:40You said that you were going to starve yourself
03:42Till all the missiles were removed
03:44So?
03:44So?
03:45So, that was eight months ago
03:47The missiles are still here
03:48What is more to the point, Rodney, so are you
03:50Went one and a half days on hunger strike
03:54And you're sent out for a curry
03:55Well, I was starving
03:56Well, that's the idea of it, you plonker
03:58Come out of it
04:00No
04:01Grandad will never wear that
04:03Anyway
04:05Cooking the Christmas dinner
04:08Has become Grandad's purpose in life
04:11I mean, all year round
04:13He sits in that chair
04:13Watching them tellies
04:14Like an unoiled, redundant cog
04:17But come Christmas time
04:20He knows that he can whirr into action
04:21It's his role within the family circle
04:24Makes him feel he still has an important part to play
04:27You know, that he's
04:29He's still needed
04:30Now, you wouldn't want to take that away from him, would you?
04:33All for the sake of a little bit of
04:34Botulism
04:35No, no, no
04:37All right, Bill
04:38Anyway, why don't you do what I do, eh?
04:41You know
04:41Just put the dinner in your mouth
04:43And think of England
04:43Anyway, for all we know
04:46This year it may turn out to be
04:49A gourmet's dream
04:50I'll just strain the gravy
04:52Then I'll get it up
04:54I must get a plug put on this thing, Rodney
05:12All right, all right
05:21I'll have some wine, please, Rodney
05:23Do you want some gravy, Dale?
05:27No, thanks, Grandad
05:28I'll have a drop of wine
05:29Thank you, merci, merci
05:32Oh, Bain-Marie
05:45Bain-Marie
05:46I will say this for those old frogs
05:49They make a blinding drop of wine, don't they, eh?
05:52Yeah, you know that shyster down at the off-licence?
05:55He only tried to palm me off with table wine, didn't he?
05:58He must have thought I was a philistine or something
06:00Anyway
06:02I pulled him up a bit sharpish, though
06:04I said, oi, John
06:06I said, I don't want none of your table wine, I said
06:09I said, you get down here in that cellar
06:11And you give me a bottle of your vin-ordinaire
06:13Right
06:17Here we go
06:19Not bad
06:27Not bad, not bad, Grandad
06:28Slightly underdone, maybe
06:31Slightly underdone?
06:34I reckon a kiss of life would revive that term
06:36That's enough, Rodney
06:38How's your guts now, Rodney?
06:43Not too bad now, Grandad
06:44Thank you very much
06:45I hope he ain't got worms
06:48I'm doing this on purpose
06:50Oi, that's enough, you two
06:52Now, come on, this is a dinner table
06:53I mean, worms and all that
06:56Just that Rodney's got this burning sensation in his stomach, haven't you, Rodney?
06:59Yeah
07:00Yeah
07:00Maybe they're glowworms
07:02Oi, oi, oi, what's your game?
07:08Do you think we could change the subject?
07:10It's all right
07:11All right, now come on
07:12There's no need to get overwrought
07:14There you go
07:15This turkey's lovely, Grandad
07:21Isn't it, Rodney?
07:23Triffy
07:24Who's Brenda and Terry?
07:30Eh?
07:31Who's Brenda and Terry?
07:32Who's Brenda and Terry?
07:33Yeah
07:34Who's Brenda and Terry, Rodney?
07:35I don't know
07:36What's going on about, you old div?
07:39Well, we got a Christmas card from them
07:41It said
07:42Love from Brenda and Terry
07:44And the kids
07:45Shirley, Shane and Sean
07:46Yeah, yeah
07:47That was from Brenda and Terry
07:48I know
07:49Who is Brenda and Terry?
07:51Well, it's Shirley, Shane and Sean's
07:53Mum and Dad, isn't it?
07:54Oh
07:55Did we send them one back?
07:58Well, how can we send them one back?
07:59We don't know how they are
08:00Let alone where they live
08:01That's just as well with them
08:03Them rotten Christmas cards that you bought
08:05There was nothing wrong with them cards
08:07You didn't like them
08:08Because they come from a charity organisation
08:10Now, that is not fair, Rodney
08:11That is not fair
08:12Nobody likes a good cause better than me
08:14Do they, Grandad?
08:15No
08:15It's just that when you're choosing Christmas cards
08:17You've got to be very careful
08:18About which charity you choose
08:20What do you mean
08:21You've got to be careful
08:22About which charity you choose
08:24Well, I mean, look
08:25Some of those cards might offend
08:26Some of our neighbours and friends
08:27Mightn't they?
08:28You know, it says
08:28Merry Christmas
08:29From Del Boy, Rodney and Grandad
08:31And all the gang
08:32At the Deptford Drug Addiction Centre
08:34With all the cards
08:36We've had in social services
08:38You don't think that's a good cause?
08:39Look, I'm not saying
08:40It isn't a good cause, Rodney
08:41All I'm saying
08:42At Christmas time
08:42People prefer
08:43A traditional Christmas card
08:44Don't they, eh?
08:45Like a nice wintry scene
08:46With a little snowman on it
08:47A little robin redbreast
08:49Not a sprig of ollie
08:50And a bunch of mistletoe
08:51Wrapped round a rusty syringe
08:52You're doing me right up
08:55Sometimes, Del
08:56I don't know why
08:57They want these
08:58Drug Addiction Centres
08:59Anyhow
08:59I mean, ain't we got enough
09:01Drug Addicts
09:02Without them recruiting them?
09:07No
09:07No, Grandad
09:08They're not
09:09They're not training centres
09:11What?
09:12Oh, God
09:13I'll give up
09:13Can we change the subjects again?
09:15Stroll on, Rodney
09:16We're going through subjects
09:17Quicker to mastermind
09:18Didn't throw the giblets away, did you?
09:27I only asked
09:28I only asked
09:29Because I promised
09:29To be the old girl
09:30Downstairs for a cat
09:31There weren't any giblets
09:33In it, dear old boy
09:34It was ready clean
09:35Said so on the box
09:37Yeah, I know
09:37It was ready clean, Grandad
09:38What they do
09:38Is they take the giblets out
09:39Put it in a plastic bag
09:40And they put it back
09:41Inside the turkey, don't they?
09:43Do they?
09:44Yeah
09:45You took the bag out, didn't you?
09:52Oh, didn't I
09:53It was in there, Bill?
09:54Oh, my God
09:55And when you put it
09:57With everything still in it
09:58Oh, my good God
10:00Blimey
10:02It's like peering
10:03At the jaws of hell, yeah
10:04Didn't you at any time
10:06Notice it
10:07Like, for instance
10:08When you were putting
10:08The stuffing in
10:09Well, there's stuffing
10:10In there as well
10:11I mean, there's
10:11Everything in here, Rodney
10:12Sage and onion
10:15And molten plastic
10:16And beans
10:18Oh, it's like Irish night
10:19In a delicatessen
10:20I just didn't know
10:23It was in there, dear old boy
10:24Yeah, all right
10:27All right
10:27All right, Grandad
10:29Don't get overwrought
10:31It's over and done with
10:34Isn't it, eh?
10:34Don't upset yourself
10:35It's
10:36You know, it's like
10:37As the French say
10:37It's a
10:38It's a
10:38Faita-com plan
10:39What about the old
10:51Afters then, eh?
10:52I'll go and get it
10:53Yeah
10:54I will allow you
11:05All right, all right
11:06Don't worry
11:08Because custard
11:10Is his forte
11:11Oh, my God
11:13Do you like
11:18Your Christmas puddin'
11:20Really well done
11:21Ladies and gentlemen
11:38Freddy Osler
11:39Will attempt
11:40The incredibly difficult
11:42Triple subassault
11:43Ladies and gentlemen
11:45Freddy Osler
11:47Thank you
12:17Sorry
12:20I don't like circuses
12:26What?
12:33I don't like circuses
12:34Oh
12:34Never have liked them
12:37Shiffy
12:38Never will like them
12:42Circuses
12:43Yeah, all right
12:43You made your point, Roddy
12:44Why don't you switch over?
12:46Nah
12:46Oh, there's one
12:54On the other side
12:55Is there?
12:57What a shame
12:58It's a pity you don't like them
12:59Because you could be
13:00Having a whale of a time
13:01Now, couldn't you?
13:02Yeah, I'll put a sock
13:03In it for half an hour
13:04Now, will you?
13:04Good living in a tar block
13:14Good living in a tar block, innit, though?
13:16Yeah, mustard
13:16The Queen
13:17Don't know what she's missing
13:18Look at that view, eh?
13:21On a clear day
13:22You can see
13:23The ground
13:24Boring
13:28Boring
13:28Boring
13:32Boring, boring, boring
13:33Boring
13:38Boring
13:42One in a minute, Rodney
13:45Nothing's open out there
13:49And I'm bored
13:50Hang about
13:51And I'll see if I can
13:52Get on the phone
13:53And knock you up
13:53A Mardi Gras
13:54Everyone's bored
13:57Christmas is a religious festival
14:00It's meant to be boring
14:02I thought we were supposed
14:04To be celebrating
14:04The birth of our Lord
14:06A time of great joy
14:07It is a time of great joy
14:08That's why everything's closed
14:10Everyone's at home
14:11Enjoying themselves
14:12Like us
14:13Enjoying themselves?
14:15Yeah, where's me nuts?
14:19Oh, right
14:20Just take a look at it out there, tell
14:23It's like a neutron bomb, innit?
14:25The buildings are still standing
14:27But there's no sign of life
14:28Nah
14:31British nation has forgotten
14:33How to enjoy itself
14:34We're all charging towards
14:36A cliff edge of terminal boredom
14:38Like
14:38Like a herd of them
14:40Oh, what's them things
14:42What commit suicide all the time?
14:44Japanese
14:44No
14:46Lemmings
14:47Yeah, like a herd of lemmings
14:49Let's go out somewhere, tell
14:52Eh?
14:53There's better be a pub
14:53Or a club open somewhere
14:54It's Christmas night, Rodney
14:56The Monte Carlo Club
14:59New Cross
15:00That's certain
15:00Then again
15:01It is a bit rough
15:02Oh, rough is it?
15:03Yes, it's all those big men
15:04Drinking beer and burping
15:06Breaking tart, you
15:08All right
15:09Then let's go down
15:09To the Monte Carlo
15:10You get a few birds down there
15:12Might be able to pull a couple
15:13I don't want to go out, Rodney
15:14Oh, you're boring as well
15:16You're hardly a go on the big dipper
15:18Yourself, Rodney
15:19Well, why don't you want to go out?
15:21Well, I shall tell you why, shall I?
15:22It may have slipped your notice
15:23But there are three people
15:24Living in this flat
15:25You, me
15:26And that scruffy little old man
15:27That does funny things to turkeys
15:29Namely our grandfather
15:31Are they not seriously suggesting
15:33That we push off out of it
15:34And leave him here on his own, are you?
15:36We often leave him on his own
15:37Yeah, but not on Christmas night, Rodney
15:39Not on Christmas night
15:41Yeah, but we sit in with him every Christmas
15:43He wouldn't mind just this once
15:45No, he would pretend that he wouldn't mind
15:47But you don't know what would be going on
15:48In his little mind
15:49As he sat in this empty flat
15:50On his own
15:51You know, thinking about the good old days
15:54When mum and dad were here
15:56And Christmas time was a great big family affair
15:59And we're still family, Rodney
16:02So you're going to stay in with me and grandad
16:03And watch, you know, the sound of music
16:05I don't like the sound of music
16:08Well, switch over
16:09What's on?
16:10The circus
16:11I want to go out, Del
16:13Listen, Rodney
16:15There are a lot of old people
16:16All over the country tonight
16:18Sitting on their own
16:19Now, half of them don't get a Christmas card
16:21Let alone a bit of company
16:23So you're going to stay in with me and grandad
16:25Look, if I want to go out
16:28I'll go out
16:29You won't
16:30I will
16:31You won't, Rodney
16:32I will, Del
16:33You won't
16:34I will
16:34You won't
16:35I will
16:36I'm off out now
16:37See you later
16:38See you later, grandad
16:41You won't
16:41I will
16:42Listen, if I
16:43Oi
16:45Oi
16:46Just a minute
16:47Where do you think you're going?
16:48I'm going to the old folks' Christmas duo
16:50At the community centre
16:52I thought anything would be better than sitting in here all night
16:55Listening to you two arguing
16:57Tell us what happens in the sound of music
17:00See ya
17:01Yes
17:03See ya, grandad
17:04Oh, that's terrific, that is, isn't it?
17:09Charming
17:09He goes out gallivanting
17:11We have to stay in and watch Julie Andrews
17:13Oh, no, brother
17:15Definitely not
17:16Let's put our glad rags on and hit the Monte Carlo club, eh?
17:20Yeah
17:20Right
17:22Now, listen
17:22I'll have a bath first
17:24Because there's hardly any hot water left
17:25Right
17:26You fit yourself a drink
17:27Make yourself comfortable
17:28And, uh, watch the circus
17:30All right?
17:31Right
17:31I love you
17:36I love you
17:39I love you
17:43I love you
17:53Oi, John
18:03Here's Remy Martin with cream soda and lots of ice
18:08and half a lager
18:10Hello, my son, you all right, Earl?
18:12Hello, dull boy, nice Christmas
18:14Oh, yeah, blinder
18:15Where's the enemy?
18:17She took the kids over her mum's
18:19Oh, yeah
18:19Here, how's the old man?
18:21Up and down like Tower Bridge
18:24Still in hospital, unconscious most of the time
18:27You know, when he wakes up, he don't know where he is
18:30Well, next time when he comes round again
18:35you wish him a Merry Christmas from me and Rodney
18:37Yeah, I will, dull
18:38Yeah
18:39What's, uh, what's wrong with him?
18:42I can't pronounce it
18:44Oh, yeah, how much is that, please?
18:4998,000
18:5098, there you are, keep it changing
18:51Now, listen, Earl
18:52Now, listen, my son
18:54This is what you want to do
18:55Next time you're up to the hospital
18:57you get hold of one of them surgeons
18:58You know, they're the guys in the little white jackets
19:00You know
19:00You say to him that your old dad wants some antibiotics
19:03Antibiotics
19:05That is
19:05Ant-e-bi-o-ics
19:10Hang on, look, I'll write it down for you
19:12Rodney, give me that replay I gave you for your Christmas present
19:15There, right
19:16Now then, let's see
19:18You're being a bit pushy, ain't you?
19:20Eh?
19:20I mean, don't you think the hospital's already thought of that?
19:23What, that bunch of wallies?
19:24Pretty good, huh?
19:26No, these are magic things, these are, Earl
19:27I mean, they work a treat
19:29God knows where they get them from
19:30Yeah, do you remember when Grandad was in hospital about 18 months back
19:33They gave him so many of these antibiotics
19:36That one day he sneezed and two other blokes got better
19:38Yeah, well, there you are, there it is
19:43Don't take that to a chemist, will you?
19:45Because it ain't a prescription
19:45No, I won't, though, boy
19:47And thanks a lot, that's really nice of you
19:49Well, that's all right, my son
19:50Now, you have a good Christmas, you hear?
19:52Yeah
19:52All right
19:53Come on, Rodney
19:54Well, you are something else you are
19:58Eh?
19:58I mean, you've stuck your nose in where it weren't wanted a good few times
20:01But this takes the biscuit, doesn't it?
20:03I mean, suddenly you're a miracle worker
20:05Listen, listen, Rodney
20:07Now, life has been pretty gutted for Earl quite recently
20:10First of all, he got made redundant
20:12And then it's been like that between him and his missus
20:15And then to top it all, his old man collapses in the nags head
20:18Right across the table where me and Trigg were sitting
20:20It was terrible
20:21All the glasses went flying and everything
20:23Yeah?
20:24What, serious?
20:26No, I only had about that much left
20:27No, I mean, he can't afford a private hospital
20:32Wanted to take his old man to Lourdes
20:34But he couldn't afford the fare
20:35The way his luck's been going
20:36He couldn't afford the fare to Leeds, let alone Lourdes
20:38I've just given him a little bit of full soap, haven't I, eh?
20:44Like a light at the end of the tunnel
20:45Straw to grab at
20:47A bit of promise for the new year
20:49Yeah, but I mean, what if he tells the hospital to administer these drugs, eh?
20:58I mean, what if they finish the old man off?
21:00Oh, leave it out, Rodney
21:02What do you think they are at that hospital?
21:04A bunch of wallies
21:04I'm on you, EG
21:07You're flash, you are, isn't you?
21:11You think you know the lot, don't you?
21:13Everything about you is...
21:15Larry
21:16What do you mean, Larry?
21:19Look at the way you dress to begin with, eh?
21:22What?
21:22I mean, you make a Christmas tree look sombre
21:24And God knows how you got the courage to walk down dark alleys wearing all that gold
21:29When they see you coming, you must look like a muggers' pension scheme
21:32Listen, how do you think a peacock attracts a lady peacock, eh?
21:38With his plumage, right?
21:40Well, this is my plumage
21:42You see, when I approach a bird
21:44She doesn't see the real me, the young, good-looking man about town, own teeth and all that sort of game
21:49No, she sees, you know, subconscious, a white yacht floating on the blue waters of a Caribbean bay
21:57Is that right?
21:58Yeah, with you they see a Winkle Barge sinking off the end of South End Pier
22:02No, because I don't need all the bullying and the perfume and the white shoes
22:07Because I'm natural, I'm me, Del, I'm me
22:09Yes, I know you're you, that's why you always end up with a dog
22:12I do not go out with dogs
22:14Oh, leave it off, Rodney, you've had more dogs than crafts
22:17The other week, Grandad took your suit to the cleaners, they found a muzzle in the pocket
22:21No, Rodney, I know the secret, you see, that's why I always blag the Goodens
22:27You know, the air hostesses and the part-time models
22:30Oh, yes, bruv, I've got the secret
22:32Never fails me
22:34Got a bone, Andy Rodders, I think you just cracked it again
22:42What can I do with a sit-down? My pen's a half aching
23:09It's amazing, isn't it? Look at us, eh? The Peckham Playboys
23:13I bet the only one who's pulled tonight is Grandad
23:15Yeah, you ought to be used to it, the only thing you ever pull at Christmas is your cracker
23:19Here, look, there's a table free over there, Rodders, go on, look lively
23:23Hey, Del, look
23:30Oh, what? Look, oh no, they've only pinched our table
23:35Oh, never mind about the table, look at them two
23:37Yeah, well, I wanted to sit down
23:38Well, sit at their table, come on
23:41Well, go on then, Del
23:49Go on what?
23:50Do the piss, I'll chat them up
23:52How come it's always me that's got to do all the donkey work, eh?
23:55You're like the spy, you are, Rodders
23:56You're the one who finds out where the enemy is hiding
23:59But I'm the one who's got to charge across no-man's land and do the capturing
24:02Well, I mean, it's about time that you took some of the old shot and shell
24:05Go on
24:05What, me chat them up?
24:08Yeah, go on
24:09All right, I'll do it
24:12Well, go on then
24:14I will
24:16What are you doing?
24:26Eh?
24:26What are you doing?
24:27Psyking myself up
24:28It's all right, be with you in a minute, girls
24:32You're just psyching himself up
24:33Shut up!
24:35Come on, look, behave yourself
24:37Now look, this is kamikaze time
24:38Now go on, get over there
24:39I will
24:40Well, go on then
24:41In my own time, Del
24:43Well, go on then
24:55Just shut up
24:56Will you?
25:08Oi
25:09Soppy
25:10Come here
25:11I'd like to kill you sometimes
25:19Sometimes I'd really like to work you bad
25:21What was that silly walk for?
25:23Your gut's playing you up again
25:24It wasn't a silly walk, it was body language
25:26Look, I've got this book on it
25:28Body language?
25:29I thought you were limping
25:30I was talking to him
25:32Talking?
25:32You were lisping?
25:33What were you supposed to be saying then?
25:35Well, the walk was saying
25:36Pelvis
25:38Virility
25:40It was saying
25:41Now here comes a man who's got natural masculinity and maturity
25:45Oh
25:46From back here it was saying
25:47Here comes a man with his truss on back to front
25:49Look, just don't do it
25:52Right?
25:53Don't do it
25:54Now go over again
25:55And this time
25:56Walk normal
25:58Well, I'm not going back there now, am I?
26:00I made myself look a right lemon
26:01No, you haven't
26:02Go on
26:02Well, after aborting me a temp halfway through
26:04No, you go
26:05Well, after you made a right lemon of yourself
26:07No way, brother
26:08No
26:08Now listen
26:09Come here, look
26:11Tell you what we'll do
26:12We'll act cool
26:13Right?
26:14Just come on
26:14Stroll casually over to the bar
26:16We'll get ourselves a drink
26:18And then when they're not looking
26:19Sneak out
26:20We'll sneak
26:21No
26:21When they're not looking
26:23We'll ambush them
26:26You, Wally
26:28Come on
26:29Hey, Del
26:47No, I've got it
26:48I've got it
26:48No, just now
26:49Shut up
26:49Shut up
26:50This is what we're going to do
26:53You're going to leave the club
26:55Leave?
26:57Yeah
26:57Then when you get outside
26:59You leave it a couple of minutes, right
27:00Then you come back to the dormant
27:01And you say that there is a brand new
27:03Rolls-Royce Corniche
27:04Obstructing your freewheel van
27:06Why?
27:09Well, because then he'll come on the mic
27:10And say
27:11Will the owner of the brand new Rolls-Royce Corniche
27:13Kindly move it
27:14As it is obstructing some sap's freewheel van
27:17See, then I will casually get up
27:20Jangle in my keys
27:22And join you outside
27:24Why?
27:27Well, because them birds will think that I drive a brand new Rolls-Royce Corniche, won't they?
27:33Oh, yeah
27:34Yeah, but they'll also think that I drive a three-wheel van
27:39Yeah, well, you do, don't you?
27:41Yeah, I know I do, but I don't want them knowing that, do I?
27:44Well, they won't, will they?
27:45Because you'll be outside
27:46With you?
27:48Right
27:49So that means the girls will be in here in the warm
27:54And us two shrewdys will be outside on the pavement somewhere congratulating each other
27:58Then we're going to have to pay to get back in again
28:01Yeah, all right
28:08Yeah, all right then, clever dick
28:10All right, what we'll do, we'll play it by you
28:12We'll just go over there and engage them in conversation, right?
28:15Right
28:15I know I'll do it a minute, do
28:21What?
28:22What sort of conversation are you going to engage them in, eh?
28:25I mean, you always tell lies, don't you?
28:27You always say, oh, yeah, you've got flash cars and we're film producers and we've got a private jet, don't you?
28:32Well, everyone exaggerates now and then, Rodney
28:34Yeah, but I don't know what to say, I get embarrassed
28:37Look, just tell them the truth, right?
28:39Just tell them about our lives and what we do
28:41All right, all right
28:43I just want to sit down, you can do the talking
28:45Right
28:45Now, hold it, Bill
28:48Oh, God almighty
28:50But what shall I say to them?
28:52What?
28:53Well, I don't know, why don't you tell them that you went down the auction on Friday and bought a 1962 A40
28:58That you sold 30 Christmas trees in the market and knocked out two gross of fire salvaged Rubik cubes in Croydon Shopping Precinct
29:05You know, tantalise them, Rodney, tantalise them
29:08Don't think it might bore them?
29:10No
29:11They won't have had so much fun since their last exorcism
29:14We can talk about Christmas
29:15Yeah, that's a good idea
29:17Tell them all about the giblets
29:18No, don't look at it
29:22Look, I shall kick you in the shins in a minute
29:26Now what?
29:27Which one do you fancy?
29:29Not yours
29:30Look, they're both very nice
29:33Look, I ain't particular
29:35No, I ain't particular neither
29:36Good
29:37I'll have the blonde one then
29:38No, I fancy the blonde one
29:39Gordon
29:40Then it
29:41Now listen, the dark-haired one is very nice
29:45And if I'm not mistaken, I've seen her two or three times coming out of Guy's Hospital
29:50Now either she is a very sick girl or she's a nurse
29:52Now you like a nice nurse, don't you, eh?
29:55Particularly if they're in uniform, eh?
29:58Well, you know, take it or leave it, you know
30:00Anyway, she's not wearing a uniform, is she?
30:03Well, of course she ain't
30:05You don't come to the Monte Carlo Club dressed up like Sister George, do you?
30:08But on the other hand, she might have her uniform with her
30:11Oh, yeah, stuffed in her handbag in case she sees an accident on the way home
30:16All right, so she hasn't got her uniform with her
30:19On the other hand, she might have something for your stomach, mightn't she?
30:23Now come along, we're going to make our moves
30:25And I'm going to do all the talking
30:27So if you should hear things like Lamborghini, Malibu Beach or Lady Diana
30:32Don't get nervous
30:34All right
30:35Aye
30:35You dozy little twonk, Rodney
30:48Me? Don't blame me, girl, it's your fault
30:50Look, five minutes ago I was ready to make my move and you kept calling me back again
30:54An hour ago I was halfway across that floor and you called me back
30:57Yes, that's because you was doing a silly walk, weren't you?
31:00But anyway, your timing was all wrong
31:02The girls had hardly sat down and you were steaming across the floor like Ivor the engine
31:06No good crashing in there with a smile and a prayer
31:10A woman needs time, Rodney
31:13Yeah, with them tactics that never failed me in the past
31:15No, I know, it wouldn't do with them oval teenies that you chat up
31:18Listen, I've heard your line of patter, my son
31:21If they don't know Adamant's birthday or the Chelsea result, it's goodnight Vienna, innit?
31:26With me, it's different
31:27I take a woman's feelings into consideration
31:30I do
31:32Look, when a woman goes out with me, she is guaranteed three things
31:37Well, four actually, but a fourth is an optional extra
31:40She is guaranteed a well-dressed man
31:43Yes, she is
31:45She's guaranteed a steak meal
31:48And she is guaranteed care and consideration
31:51Oh, now, come on
31:51Oh, yes, she is
31:53I take a woman's feelings into consideration
31:56No, it's so easy to hurt her deeply with a thoughtless word
32:00And a badly timed gesture
32:03No, I care about women's feelings
32:06There's too much pain in this world, Rodney, without me causing more
32:10Excuse me, ladies, it's getting rather late
32:24And my brother and I were wondering if you were thinking about going home yet
32:28Oh, yes, we were just going to get our coats
32:31Oh, good
32:32We can have your chairs in, can't we?
32:34Come on, come on, really
32:37Excuse me, Rodney
32:39No income tax, no VAT
33:02No money back, no guarantee
33:06Black or white, rich or poor
33:09We'll cut prices at a stroke
33:13God bless Hookie Street
33:16Viva Hookie Street
33:20Long live Hookie Street
33:22The same magnifique Hookie Street
33:26Magnifique Hookie Street
33:29Hookie Street
33:32Hookie Street
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