- 2 days ago
Tv, Only Fools And Horses S05E03 - The Longest Night.
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00:00Stick a bunny in me pocket
00:06I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10Cause if you are the bestest
00:13But you don't ask questions
00:15Then brother, I'm your man
00:18Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:22It's like the changing of the seasons
00:24And the tides of the sea
00:26But here's the one
00:28What's driving me, my son
00:29Why do only fours and horses work
00:33La la la la
00:35La la la la la
00:37La la la la la
00:39La la la la la la
00:41La la la la la
00:42It's £29.48
00:51Sorry?
00:54£29.48
00:56Did you sue them?
00:59Who?
01:00The charm school
01:01Miserable little cow
01:11Yeah, you're right
01:12You might come here again
01:13In future we'll take our custom down to Patel's multi-mile
01:16They may be a bit dearer
01:18But at least they smile when they take your money
01:19Rodney, what is the matter with you?
01:24I'll see you in a minute
01:25What?
01:26Whack me straight in her shins with that shopping trolley
01:28I couldn't help it
01:29That trolley had a mind of its own
01:31Oh, what?
01:32You were saying it's intellectually superior to you
01:34Is that it?
01:35Don't get sarky, Rodney
01:37It don't become you
01:38What a broken leg
01:39Don't be coming
01:40I don't want you to pack it in, will ya?
01:43Excuse me
01:44Hey
01:44One moment, gentlemen
01:46Tom Clark
01:47Top Buy Superstores
01:48I wonder if I could have five minutes of your time, please
01:51Certainly
01:51Tom
01:52Why, what's happening?
01:54Well, if you'd like to accompany me to the manager's office
01:56I'll explain here
01:57Yeah, just a minute
01:58What is your gu...
01:59What?
02:02Oh, yes
02:06Can I help you with any of the shopping?
02:08Oh, thanks a lot, yeah
02:09Lead on, McDougal
02:11Yes
02:16Yes
02:18Yes
02:20But Valerie, darling
02:22Listen to me for a moment
02:23Why do you want to buy a brand new car?
02:26All right
02:27Tom
02:27Look, I'm sorry I snapped at you back there
02:29But I'm trying to give up smoking
02:31Ah, it's all right, son
02:32Forget it
02:33Here, I wonder which one of us it is
02:35What do you mean?
02:36Well, I mean, it could only be one one millionth customer, can't it?
02:39Yeah, well, it's got to be me, innit?
02:40Because I paid for it all, didn't I, eh?
02:42I might give you my house, KP
02:43I gave you half my pension
02:45All right, all right
02:46Don't go on about it
02:47Yeah, we'll share that money fairly
02:49Why don't you just leave it to me, Rodney?
02:51No, we'll share it fairly
02:52Look, I can't talk now
02:54Somebody's coming to the office
02:55No, I'm not quite sure what time I'll be home, darling
02:59You're not cooking anything special, are you?
03:03Entrecotrioja
03:04Yes, my favourite
03:06I'll give you a call just before I leave
03:08Bye
03:09The wife
03:10Who's?
03:15Well, Tom
03:16What's it all about?
03:17I stopped these gentlemen as they were leaving the store, sir
03:19Because I have reason to believe they have some stolen items in their position
03:22Stolen items?
03:27What are you on the bet?
03:28We paid for these groceries
03:29That's right, £29, 48 pence
03:31Yeah, you asked a girl at the cheque
03:32They came quietly, sir
03:34That's usually a sign of guilt
03:35Well, of course we did
03:36Because we thought we'd won the prize, didn't we?
03:38That's all right, Tom
03:39Leave it with me
03:39And well done
03:41Thank you, sir
03:42And you will be well done
03:43Oh, you, sir
03:44Oh, that's it, come on, come on, let's go, let's go
03:50Gentlemen, if I press this button, security will be waiting for you outside the door
03:54And it might appear to a magistrate that you were trying to evade arrest
04:00Now, wait a minute, look, we paid for all these goods and we've got a bill to prove it
04:04Ah, yes, and we've got a bill to prove it
04:06That's right, show the bill, Rodney
04:07What?
04:09Bill
04:09I ain't got it
04:10Well, of course you must, one of us must, that
04:12Well, don't look at me, I never even saw it
04:14Yes, you did, because I paid for it
04:15Don't you remember, when she took it out of till
04:17All right, actually, we haven't got a bill
04:18What a shame
04:20Gentlemen, there are two ways of handling this unfortunate situation
04:25One, we can remain here in this office and discuss it like civilised people
04:29Or two, I can call the police
04:31Why don't you talk it over amongst yourselves while I carry on with this
04:37Yeah, there must be some way we can prove we'd pay for all this
04:42Most probably is, Albert
04:43But what happens if the old bill starts asking questions about all my gear, right, and Rodney's watch
04:48Yeah, I suppose you're right
04:50You mean my watch is not tots?
04:56Listen, it's all right, look
04:57It's not up to us to prove our innocence, right
05:00It's up to them to prove our guilt
05:01So all we've got to do is to say nothing at all, right?
05:04Yeah
05:04Just keep schtum
05:05We'll be out of here in ten minutes flat, all right?
05:07Hello there
05:22How are you?
05:24I'm very well, thank you
05:26Nice weather for this time of year, isn't it?
05:28Yes, it is, yes
05:29Something shot at home
05:33Ta-da-da-da-da-da
05:36Allow me
05:41That's very reasonable, isn't it?
05:46That's in my Latin.
05:50You take me in, yeah?
06:16That's all right, Sheila. I've seen him. Leave it to me.
06:4120 Rothmans in a box of matches, please.
06:44That's £1.46, please.
06:46Put it on my account. You take care now.
06:50You've got back here with that stuff.
06:55All right, son. This is in your fun and games.
06:58What have I done?
07:00Oh, no. Don't tell me. I haven't paid for these, have I?
07:04Haven't paid? Get back in there. You're nicked.
07:07No, no. I have this problem, you see. Memory blanks.
07:11Get in there!
07:14Listen to me, man. The other day I went into Woolworths.
07:18When I got home, I had a pair of binoculars,
07:20twelve packs of strepsils, and a roof rack for a cortina.
07:24And up to the loan.
07:26Yes, will you tell that to the manager? You're going up to the office.
07:28Please, man. I'll go away for this.
07:30Look, I've only just come out.
07:31Yeah, well, you should have talked about that before then.
07:33Come on, up to the office.
07:34Oh, please, man. Don't take me up to the office.
07:36Look, give me a break, will ya?
07:38I'll give you a break if you keep on. Come on.
07:40Look, please, don't take me up to the office.
07:42Look, I'm not up to the office!
07:44It's a very nasty habit you've got there, you know. You could lose your teeth doing that.
07:56Yeah? How would you know that?
07:58Because I'm going to ram my fist right down your throat.
08:00Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
08:02Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
08:04Well, Rodney's giving me the right arm. He really is.
08:06Don't take me in the office, man! Don't! Don't!
08:09There's a no-one point in the street, sir.
08:11Own that the safe!
08:14Oh, I'll try to take those in!
08:19Who are they?
08:20They're here on suspicion of shoplifting.
08:22Move. Huh?
08:23Move!
08:24Yeah, yeah.
08:25Ain't I seen you somewhere before?
08:30No, no, no, no, no, no. I ain't been anywhere before, have I, Rodney?
08:33No, no, no. He stays at home all the time.
08:38Go on! That's not the safe!
08:40Yes, of course.
08:43I'm a right villain, I am.
08:47A real hard nut.
08:48Yeah, yeah, true.
08:50Oi, what's with the hands in the air?
08:52You've got a gun in your upper hand, haven't you noticed?
08:54Come on, let's not be formal. Put them down.
08:57Do you know the secret of my success?
08:59No, no.
09:00Planning.
09:01No detail is left unturned.
09:03No stone unchecked.
09:06I'll plan everything down to the last second.
09:09Excuse me.
09:10I'm terribly sorry, but I can't open the safe.
09:13What's he say to me?
09:15Oh, come on, don't be a pretzer.
09:17Open the safe for the last minute.
09:19If I can't open it, the combination won't work.
09:22What's the time?
09:23It's about twenty past five.
09:25Now it's quarter past six.
09:27Bloody watch!
09:29It's always going wrong.
09:31Me mum only bought it for me a month ago down the market.
09:38I won't be able to open the safe.
09:42You see, it's fitted with a time lock which comes into operation at six o'clock.
09:45Is this true?
09:46Yeah, I'm sorry, son.
09:47You're fifteen minutes late.
09:48Lucky watch!
09:49So when does it switch off?
09:50Tomorrow at eight a.m.
09:51Oh, great.
09:52Well, thank you very much.
09:53So what am I supposed to do now?
09:54Can't you come back first thing in the morning?
09:55No, I can't.
09:56I have got other things to do, you know.
09:57Oh, well.
09:58I suppose there's nothing else for it.
09:59We'll have to wait, eh?
10:03Wait!
10:04Wait!
10:05Wait!
10:06Wait!
10:07Wait!
10:08Wait!
10:09Wait!
10:10Wait!
10:11Wait!
10:12Wait!
10:13Wait!
10:14Wait!
10:15Wait!
10:16Wait!
10:17Wait!
10:18Wait!
10:19Wait!
10:20Wait!
10:21Wait!
10:22Wait!
10:23Wait!
10:24Wait!
10:25Wait!
10:26What are you talking about?
10:27But that's, what, that's 14 hours, innit?
10:29Look, I don't want to stay in here any more than what you do.
10:32But have you any idea how much is in that safe?
10:35Oh, no.
10:36About 60 grand.
10:37You're kidding.
10:39I'm afraid not.
10:42Friday is our busiest day.
10:45See?
10:46Planning.
10:47Well, let's all settle down there.
10:51It's only 14 hours.
10:53It'll soon go.
10:54Sit down!
11:02I mean, I had a date tonight, too, with that croupier bird from the 1-11 club.
11:06Charming sort.
11:07She's well-spoken.
11:08Called on blue cook.
11:09Buzz the business.
11:10Months before I have another crack at her.
11:12Yeah.
11:13I am well choked for you, innit?
11:15Yeah.
11:16I am well choked for you, innit?
11:18The gun at your head is just a sort of incentive you need, innit?
11:33Have you got any scars on you?
11:36No, no, I smoked the last one about an hour ago.
11:39Anyway, so I hope you'd have packed it up, wouldn't it, eh?
11:42Oh, yeah. A gun at your head's just a sort of incentive you need, aren't you?
11:47Listen, he ain't gonna hurt no-one. He's just a kid trying to get some money.
11:53He's more frightened than us.
11:55Oh, bless him.
12:03Are you still there, son?
12:06Yeah. What's just you want?
12:09Just wondering about if we could have some lights on, like, you know, see what we was up to, you know what I mean?
12:13But passers-by might see the light.
12:16No, no, not if you pull the blind, right?
12:19Oh, yeah.
12:21Okay, I want you to do exactly as I say.
12:24Anything you say, son? You're the boss.
12:26I want you to switch that light on and pull them blinds down.
12:29No, no, no, no, no. What you want to do is you want to pull the blind, then switch on the light.
12:35Oh, yeah.
12:37Right.
12:38Right, I want you to pull them blinds and then switch that.
12:41Yes, I think I've got it.
12:42Yes.
12:53Sorry.
12:55Do you know how the police have nicknamed me?
12:57I've got a shrewd idea, but I...
13:00I'm known as the Shadow because I'm fast and fleeting.
13:07I come and I go and no one knows.
13:10Come and go, dude. It's going to take you 14 bleeding hours to come and go in here.
13:15There's no epidemics come and go quicker than you.
13:17Look, I didn't know that safe was on a time lock.
13:21No.
13:22I'm a man of mystery, me.
13:24A master of disguises.
13:26The man with a thousand faces.
13:28Do you remember the Scarlet Pimpton help?
13:31It won't you, is it?
13:32Nah, but I'm like him.
13:39They seek him out, they seek him there.
13:42Those policemen seek him everywhere.
13:46Is he in heaven or is he in hell?
13:48That damn elusive shadow.
13:58Oh, it's very good.
13:59Very, very good there, yeah.
14:01So the police are looking for the shadow then, are they?
14:04They'll never catch him.
14:05No, no, but I bet Hank Marvin's had a few tugs though, hasn't he?
14:08What's that?
14:13It's the phone.
14:14I know it's the phone, I ain't stupid, I mean, who is it?
14:17Well, it's a little difficult to tell, this thing.
14:22You better let him on trick, son, it might be his wife.
14:25Oh, yeah, she's got entrecote Rioja.
14:29Oh, I saw it later, that.
14:31Well, go on then, find out how she is.
14:33Yes.
14:34Peterson.
14:36It's security.
14:37They're just about to shut up.
14:39Yes, you can switch the alarm system on.
14:41Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi.
14:43I'm the head of security.
14:45Yes, you can switch the alarm system on.
14:48Yes.
14:50There you are, you see?
14:51Everything's all right now.
14:52Yeah?
14:53You don't mind if I double check, do you?
14:57He's becoming more nervous and agitated.
15:00Danger signs in a situation like this.
15:03I told you he'd be all right.
15:05Be as good as gold as long as we don't upset.
15:07Him, he's just a kid.
15:08That's what makes him dangerous.
15:11A nervous kid, air trigger, put them together.
15:14Whoop!
15:16You're a cheerful old balk, aren't you?
15:18LAUGHTER
15:18One of us has got to create a distraction so that the other two can grapple with him and disarm him.
15:27What are you whispering about?
15:28It's all right, all right, son.
15:29I think it's all right, all right.
15:30No, no problem.
15:31Do you mind if I stand up a bit and walk around?
15:34Why?
15:34Uh, I've got a bit of cramp in me leg.
15:38Go on, then.
15:40No sudden movements, though.
15:42Sure.
15:42Sub-movements?
15:43Him?
15:45As you see, he gets to a sudden movement when he wipes the cobwebs off his head.
15:48Oh.
15:49LAUGHTER
15:49Ooh.
15:54Ooh.
15:57That's bad.
15:59Right, sure.
15:59Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
16:29You've got any tobacco on your...
16:59What's that noise?
17:06Weren't me.
17:09It's the staff arriving.
17:11What time's you open?
17:138.30.
17:14Oh, God.
17:15We've been here 13 and a half hours.
17:17Yeah.
17:17About time to fly when you're in good comfort.
17:20You've got to go and it'll all be over.
17:22Yeah.
17:23The old Shadow's looking pretty knackered, isn't he, eh?
17:26You know, with proper training, you can condition your body to do with heart sleep.
17:31I learned that out in Kenya.
17:33What, you've got to branch out there, then?
17:35No, no.
17:36When I was younger, I did a bit of travelling.
17:38Ended up doing five years with the Kenyan police force.
17:41I was out there doing the trouble with the Mau Mau.
17:43He's too young to know what that means.
17:45He most probably thinks the Mau Mau is the African post office.
17:49We did modern history at school, didn't we, Matthew?
17:52Touching my all them ribbons, you must have seen a bit of action, Albert.
17:55Yeah, I was in the Navy, Royal and Merchant.
17:59I've seen things that are making your teeth itch, but I never talk about them.
18:06Sharks, don't talk to me about sharks.
18:08I've seen a pretty fucking monster they were.
18:12Yeah, he thinks that Jaws was a sticklebacker.
18:18Oi, Rodney.
18:20What the hell do you think you're playing at?
18:22Rodney, come back and sit down, son.
18:24Don't do anything fresh, son.
18:26It's not worth it.
18:27God's sake, there's only 30 minutes to go.
18:29You pelonka!
18:53What are you doing?
18:58Nothing, I've just fancied a fag, that's all.
19:01Well, why didn't you ask me?
19:03There's no need to steal.
19:07It's all right.
19:10What was that?
19:11It's the start arriving.
19:12They start early, don't they?
19:14Quarter past four.
19:15It's half past seven!
19:16Bloody watch.
19:22So, only half an hour to go.
19:26It's sad, really.
19:28We might never meet again.
19:30Could always hold a reunion next year, if you like.
19:32I remember who you are now.
19:38It's all right, it's all right, son.
19:39You can have a full rebate, no problems, all right?
19:42You're, uh...
19:43What is it?
19:44No.
19:44Don't tell me.
19:45No.
19:46Tell.
19:46Yeah.
19:47No.
19:48Dell.
19:49Dell Trotter, right?
19:51Don't you recognise me?
19:53Well, you're the master of disguise, aren't you?
19:54Do you remember Rosanna Gilby?
19:58West Indian lady.
19:59Liz down Clutter Road.
20:00Years ago.
20:02Used to come round on the weekly and that, selling shoes, Dell.
20:05Yes, I remember.
20:07And that was you.
20:10Don't you remember her little boy?
20:13A little...
20:14No, no, you're not.
20:15You're not little, little, Lennox.
20:16That's what it's been, Lennox Gilby.
20:18Lennox Gilby, I don't mean it.
20:21For stone meat.
20:22The last time I saw you, you was about that eye.
20:25God, dear.
20:26Doesn't time fly, eh?
20:28Yeah.
20:28Huh?
20:29So what are you doing with yourself now?
20:32Oh, well, I'm on the dull, Dell.
20:34Oh, yeah.
20:35How's your mum?
20:36Oh, she's all right.
20:36Suffers from her feet a bit, but...
20:38Yeah, well, she probably.
20:40Hang about.
20:41I remember your mum.
20:43I remember a very straight lady, proud churchgoer and all that.
20:47Yeah.
20:48She won't know nothing about this, Dell.
20:50Oh, no.
20:50So, how are you going to explain away £60,000 then, eh?
20:54Christmas bonus from the job centre.
20:57Listen, Lennox, there are millions of people out there in the same boat as you, but they
21:00don't go around robbing everyone.
21:02Look, I haven't had a job right in six years.
21:04Well, nor is Rodney.
21:06I've got no future.
21:08Nor is Rodney.
21:10Look, I haven't done a day's work since I left school, Dell.
21:14It's a tough old world, Lennox.
21:17Tough world.
21:18It doesn't give you the right to go around pointing guns at people.
21:21That thing is going to put you in prison.
21:23Nah, I'm too shrewd.
21:24Oh, you're shrewd.
21:25Oh, you're shrewd, aren't you?
21:26Very shrewd.
21:27Yeah.
21:27Yeah, that's right.
21:29An hour ago, you were the shadow, right?
21:30A man of mystery.
21:31Now we know your name, your address, and your mum's shoe size.
21:35You see, come on, Lennox.
21:36Give it up now before it's too late.
21:39Eh?
21:40That gun doesn't suit you.
21:42In 20 minutes, Dell, I'll be rich.
21:44And in 30 minutes, you're going to be banged up.
21:46Yeah.
21:47I'll tell you why, shall I?
21:49Let's just review the situation for a second, right?
21:52All the staff have arrived, right?
21:54They started to work out there.
21:56Now you've got to walk through them, haven't you?
21:58They're all out there.
21:59The shelf packers, the porters, the cleaners, security people.
22:04The shop doesn't open till our past eight, right?
22:07Now, in order to get out, you've got to go up,
22:09ask one of them to go and get the keys to let you out.
22:12Before you can say police snipe,
22:14there'd be more lead flying about than a fight in the scrapyard.
22:18Yeah, you'd never reach your getaway car.
22:21Getaway car?
22:23You know what I'm saying?
22:26Hey, look, Dell, I didn't want to go through with this, all right?
22:30I just got a bit desperate, mate.
22:32It's all right, all right, I know, son, I know.
22:34Oh, and the police didn't really nickname me the shadow, no?
22:37I'm not known by the police.
22:39I've never done anything like this before.
22:42Now listen to me, now listen.
22:45Now come on, you give it up, eh?
22:47Give it up before it's too late.
22:49I'll tell you what I'll do.
22:51I'll come down the court with you,
22:53and I'll speak for you, eh?
22:56You said it would be easy!
22:57Shut up, you fool!
22:58I've been set up for this, Dell!
23:00Well, you?
23:02You and Lennox?
23:03He said I'll just walk out with the money!
23:05And you could have if you'd been here at five o'clock as a range.
23:07But that's it, that's it, ain't it?
23:09Of course it's been worrying me all night, this has!
23:11All night has been...
23:12I mean, let's say, how did Lennox know so much about this place?
23:15How did he know there was all that money here in the tape and where it was?
23:18You must believe me, I didn't do it purely for the money.
23:21What did you do it for, then?
23:24Well, all right, I did do it for the money.
23:26But it was simply to pay off my debts.
23:29You see, I have a wife whose hobby is spending...
23:33£12,000 for a solarium.
23:36What?
23:36£15,000 for a swimming pool.
23:39And now she's got estimates on a marble-tiled gazebo.
23:44God, we only live in a semi.
23:47Couldn't you seek professional help?
23:51You mean a psychiatrist?
23:52No, I mean a hitman.
23:54No, I couldn't afford it.
23:56This seemed the only way out.
23:58But how did you two ever meet?
24:00I mean, I can't imagine Lennox at the young Tories ball and, well,
24:03you wouldn't go down a bomb at the Ram Jam Club, would you?
24:06Lennox came here last year looking for a job.
24:09Then we bumped into each other a couple of months ago in court.
24:12I'd been summoned for failure to maintain the repayments on a half-purchase agreement
24:15that had been signed by my wife, the fat, greedy cow.
24:18I was there on an attempted wounding case.
24:21I weren't the accused, Del.
24:23I was the victim.
24:25Anyway, me and Mr Peterson got chatting and the old thing started from there.
24:29Did he supply you with a gun?
24:31Oh, no.
24:33He did.
24:37Shambousi Nouveau.
24:39Oh, dear.
24:41Would you?
24:41Adam and Eva, eh?
24:43Dixon of Kuala Lumpur is involved.
24:45Yeah, that's right.
24:48Yeah, the three of us planned it.
24:49And I want you to know I did it purely for the money.
24:52I bet you did.
24:53I'll retire in a couple of months, Tom.
24:54You should have seen the crummy pension this firm was offering me.
24:57I was going to get less than Duncan Good-Use barber.
25:01We needed Tom in with us for his police experience.
25:03He told us what to do, how to make the robbery look genuine.
25:06So where do we fit into all this?
25:08Well, it would have looked a bit dodgy, wouldn't it?
25:10If the only witnesses to a 60 grand robbery was the store manager and the head of security,
25:14you know, what we wanted was some independent witnesses.
25:17Oh, I see.
25:18So that is why you pulled us in.
25:2214 hours.
25:25Just to provide you with an alibi.
25:28God.
25:29Well, I'll...
25:30Just a minute.
25:31Give us that.
25:31Give me that here.
25:32Look.
25:33Where did you get this?
25:34Out of our toy department.
25:35God, dear.
25:36I wondered how long Taiwan had been making Lugas.
25:40So what happens now?
25:42Are you going to the police?
25:46No.
25:47I'm going to phone them instead.
25:48Del!
25:49No, no, no.
25:50Don't panic.
25:51Don't panic.
25:51Just one of you up.
25:53You are a wally, Lennox.
25:56Sorry, Del.
25:57What is your mum going to say?
25:59Eh?
26:01Anyway, listen to this.
26:02There's no real harm done, right?
26:04No one's got hurt.
26:05Nothing has been nicked.
26:07Now, listen.
26:08This is me, Lennox.
26:08You're after a job, right?
26:09I've been after one ever since I left school, Del.
26:12Yeah, well, I happen to know where there's one going, and I'm well in with the governor.
26:15You're kidding.
26:16No.
26:16Do you reckon you'd swing it for me, Del?
26:18Well, I reckon, sir.
26:18Mind you, the job does not come available until...
26:21When do you retire, Tom?
26:23Well, in working, in security.
26:25Can you think of anyone better?
26:26You'll know exactly who to keep his eye on.
26:29That's right.
26:29Well, tell me.
26:30I mean, what do you prefer?
26:31Young Lennox or old Bill?
26:34Welcome to the firm, Lennox.
26:38I'll drop you out of uniform.
26:39Show your duties.
26:40That's it.
26:41Right, Rodney, come on.
26:42Albert, come on.
26:43We're going.
26:43We're leaving.
26:44Let's get out of here.
26:45Oh, dear.
26:46This lot's going to have to go straight in the fridge when we get home.
26:49Here, Lennox, save your buying a truncheon, won't it, eh?
26:57That's it, Mr. Peterson.
26:58I'm coming back to your shop this afternoon.
27:00Why?
27:00Because I've got this funny feeling that I am going to be your millionth customer.
27:04What do you think?
27:06I have exactly the same feeling.
27:09You know it makes sense, don't you?
27:13Bonjour.
27:13Bonjour.
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