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00:00Oh, well that was a one-off, really. It was a wonderful idea. And I played Johnny Cyclops,
00:10yes. And it was a marvellously satiric idea. And it was well written.
00:30This is a man. I'll be right back.
00:35And I'll be right back.
00:40I'll be right back.
00:45I'll be right back.
00:50Oh, my God.
00:55Oh, my God.
01:25Oh, my God.
01:55Oh, my God.
02:25A tactical bomber with a velocity capability of double the speed of sound.
02:29A new refinement to this aircraft's swing wing for...
02:32Sarkowski, where do you think you're going?
02:34Emergency belt, sir. Nuclear alert.
02:36Sarkowski, will you sit down? Stop being so jumpy.
02:39Ooh.
02:39The crucial thing that we have to...
02:43Must have been that word you said.
02:44It sounded like a bell ringing.
02:46What, an aircraft?
02:47No, the other one.
02:48Facility?
02:50Swing wing?
02:51It's a carousk game!
02:53You must have heard it that time, sir.
02:54Will you sit down?
03:02It ain't my fault.
03:04It's the words.
03:05Swing wing.
03:06They sound too much like ding-a-ling.
03:08Freeze!
03:09Now, sit down, all of you.
03:13If you can't be trusted to sit tight, you know what I'm going to have to do, don't you?
03:16Yes, sir.
03:17And what's that?
03:19Screw our boots to the floor, sir.
03:22Screw your boots to the floor.
03:24Now, I got the screwdriver, and I'm not afraid to use it if I have to.
03:29Now then, the kind of range we're talking...
03:30All right, for him, he's already got his boots screwed to the floor.
03:33What did you say, Sarkowski?
03:35Nothing, sir.
03:36Pardon me, I thought you just said something.
03:38No, sir.
03:39Something about my boots being screwed to the floor.
03:41No, sir!
03:43Just watch your lips, sonny.
03:46Now, in addition to the FB-111, we'll shortly be deploying the new Streamline Tornado,
03:52a model of which I have right here.
04:01As you can see, the fuselage...
04:03Told you.
04:04Sarkowski, for the last time, will you just...
04:07Jesus God Almighty, that's it!
04:09Hey, get to it, you heroes!
04:11Get to it!
04:22WBC Worldwide News, coast-to-coast, bringing you all the news that's news.
04:29It's breakfast time from WBC Dateline News.
04:31I'm Jay Garrick.
04:32Good morning.
04:33The coffee time headlines.
04:34Mashik Rasim, younger brother of the late Shah of Iran, is to be deported from his home in southern France,
04:39where he's been living since the revolution which toppled his brother seven years ago.
04:42The French government say the new Shah will be expelled next week
04:45for publicly engaging in anti-Iranian political activities,
04:48and they stress that the decision has nothing whatsoever to do with an attempt to butter up the Arch Mullah,
04:52who is currently deciding where to buy a new $500 billion nuclear reactor plant.
04:56But what's this?
04:56I'm being thrust a piece of emergency paper now containing an up-to-the-minute news flash.
05:00We've just heard of yet another false nuclear alert among NATO forces in the Middle East.
05:04For a full three and a half seconds yesterday morning, it was believed the world was at war.
05:08Releasing details of the incident, a Pentagon spokesman said the alarm was triggered by a numerical overload
05:13of a space invader's machine in the pilot's mess room.
05:15However, there was no danger.
05:17Repeat, however, there was no danger of any escalation,
05:19and the alert never got beyond computer stage.
05:21And certainly no nuclear bombers whatsoever got halfway to Russia and then had to turn back again.
05:25And now the rest of the news.
05:34Armageddon. Armageddon.
05:37the president will soon be on course for Albuquerque.
05:49Yeah, must be a primary there next month.
05:53Hello, yes?
05:54Your national security advisor is here, sir.
05:57Send him in.
05:58Dark days are dawning, Mr. President.
06:02The sulfurous are the dread fires of damnation
06:05into whose polls it bowels we sink daily
06:08with our unrelenting sins and iniquities.
06:11Morning, Deacon. I'm glad you're feeling more optimistic today.
06:14If the Lord had meant us to be optimists,
06:16he would never have given us life assurance.
06:18Sure.
06:19Add it to which, sir, the latest public opinion polls.
06:22Oh, my God, this is a disaster.
06:25How am I ever going to get re-elected
06:26with a popularity rating ten points below Charles Manson?
06:30By facing the nation's problems full square, Mr. President,
06:33and the gravest of those problems is I donated.
06:35I will tell you, and I will tell you, is the Middle East.
06:37This new government in Saudi Arabia is poison, sir, poison.
06:41They must be stopped.
06:42This new defense minister they've appointed,
06:47he looks a real slippery son of a bitch.
06:49He should be, sir. He's one of ours.
06:52We planted a CIA agent on their revolutionary council.
06:56Did I authorize that?
06:58It was God's will, sir.
07:00I beg your pardon.
07:01Within two days, he had discovered
07:03every one of their secret policy objectives,
07:05and before being ceremonially beheaded,
07:07he'd managed to pass them on to his contact
07:09in a nearby peasant village.
07:11That contact I have here,
07:13waiting to give you the details in person.
07:15Deacon, you surpass yourself?
07:17In a mysterious way.
07:23One word of caution.
07:24Yeah?
07:25Back home, this man was a convicted criminal,
07:27a minor transgression, I gather,
07:29but he still bears the scars of his punishment.
07:31Still a little touchy, huh?
07:32Suffice to say, he never talks about it.
07:35Welcome to the free world, beggar!
07:38This is Mr. Johnny Cyclops,
07:40President of Civilization.
07:41Hi, beggar.
07:42How's that again?
07:46I beg your pardon?
07:48Oh, my God!
07:49You've had your tongue ripped out.
07:51Oh, that's true.
07:52I'm sorry.
07:52I really...
07:53Have a cigarette.
07:54Well...
07:55Oh, well, thank you.
07:57Thank you very much.
07:58That's very kind.
07:59Oh, my God!
08:04Now, listen.
08:05I understand that you have certain information
08:07about the Revolutionary Council's policy
08:10towards the United States.
08:12What is this?
08:14Oh, five words!
08:15Five words!
08:16Four words!
08:17Four words!
08:18Four words!
08:19The second word.
08:20The first two words.
08:21First two words, yep.
08:22Scissors.
08:23Scissors.
08:23No, no.
08:24Dress making.
08:25No, tailoring.
08:26Israeli interests.
08:27No, no.
08:28What?
08:28Oh, tongue.
08:29Lick.
08:30Lick.
08:30Oh, no, it wouldn't be that.
08:31Oh, cut off!
08:33Cut off.
08:34What?
08:34Cut off.
08:35Cut off.
08:36Third word.
08:37Little bitty word.
08:39Little bitty word.
08:40Us.
08:40We.
08:41Our.
08:42Cut off our.
08:43Cut off our.
08:44Cut off our what?
08:45Cut off our ear.
08:46Cut off our load.
08:47Sounds like, sir.
08:48Oh, sounds like.
08:49Sounds like.
08:50Sounds like.
08:50Cut off our sounds like.
08:51Sounds like.
08:52Yep, yep, yep, yep.
08:53Scabs.
08:55Impetigo.
08:56Scrapnel.
08:57Good.
08:59Acne.
09:01Pimples.
09:02Blackheads.
09:03No, yeah, yeah.
09:03Yeah, yeah, yeah.
09:04Boil.
09:05Boil.
09:05Ah, yeah, yeah, right.
09:07Sounds like.
09:07Cut off our sounds like boil.
09:10Coil.
09:10Soil.
09:11Oil.
09:12Yeah, yeah, I got it.
09:13You see, I got it.
09:14They're gonna cut off our oil.
09:15They're gonna cut off our oil.
09:17WBC Worldwide News.
09:18Coast to coast.
09:19Bringing you all the news.
09:20It's news this Monday brunch time.
09:21From WBC Dateline News,
09:23I'm Jay Garrick.
09:23The snack time headlines.
09:25The two American citizens
09:26who won a three-day trip to Moscow
09:27in a vodka competition
09:28have been seized by KGB psychiatrists
09:30and placed under house arrest.
09:32The competition was one of those
09:33where you have to guess the identities
09:34of six TV personalities
09:35from pictures of their teeth.
09:37The Soviet news agency TAS
09:38claims that Jonathan and Martha Hopper
09:40are secretly United States intelligence agents
09:42who have gone to Russia
09:43to plot the overthrow of Eastern Europe.
09:45Mr. Hopper,
09:46a 73-year-old retired duck breeder
09:47from Sagebrush, Colorado,
09:49is not known for his previous affiliations
09:51to the CIA.
09:52And now the rest of the news.
09:54Doris Cronkite,
09:55the woman who secured a lock
09:56of Frank Sinatra's hair in 1958,
09:57has today sold it back to him
09:59for an undisclosed silver.
10:06Yeah.
10:07Marlostoyed,
10:07теперь.
10:08Marlostoyed,
10:09Marlostrockoños,
10:10Oxtroposycio,
10:11oxtroposycio.
10:13Marlostoyed.
10:13Very very nice.
10:14But you're very popular
10:15and elegant.
10:17Oxtroposycio.
10:18Marlostoyed.
10:20Marlostoyed,
10:21Marlostoyed,
10:22Marlostoyed,
10:22Marlostoyed,
10:22Marlostoyed,
10:23Marlostoyed.
10:23Marlostoyed.
10:24Marlostoyed.
10:25No, no.
10:26No one small.
10:27Marlostoyed,
10:29I am Commissar Solzhenitsyn. No relation.
10:43Now, I may so tell you, Mr. and Mrs. Hopper,
10:46that your government has admitted your shabby connections with the CIA
10:50and has handed you over to the KGB for such treatment as we might consider appropriate.
10:56You're telling me what he says in the papers?
10:58No.
10:58You have seen the newspapers?
11:00Yep.
11:01They ordered continental breakfast.
11:03Continental breakfast?
11:05With juice, coffee rolls and chisel jams with the morning papers.
11:09In future, no maximum security prisoners will be allowed newspapers.
11:14No, Commissar.
11:15And a choice of jams only upon confession.
11:19Sorry.
11:20Now, your complicity with American intelligence is well known to us, Mr. and Mrs. Hopper.
11:27Or should I say, Mar and Pop.
11:30And what is more, we have proof.
11:37Here, we caught you lurking about, waiting for a contact to pass on compromising microfilm.
11:45And here, we caught you secretly discussing your next move, not 300 yards away from the state, Opera House.
11:54Notice, by the way, the beautiful Gothic architecture on this building.
11:59And here, you're guilt-proven.
12:03You opt for total concealment amongst the crowds in Red Square.
12:07Notice here, the flower beds, planted by hand every spring, blossoming in the summer into a riot of color and fragrance in the very heart of the city.
12:17We need to go on.
12:21We don't know what you're talking about.
12:23No.
12:25My patience is wearing very thin.
12:28Admit that you are working for American intelligence and you will save yourself much trouble.
12:34I don't.
12:36We want the holiday namaste competition.
12:38I have plenty of time, Mr. Hopper.
12:46You are only making it harder for everyone.
12:52We'll do it!
12:54You are working for American intelligence!
12:57Is this man with you?
13:00I thought he was here upon your orders, Commissar.
13:03Are you mad?
13:04Where's in your barn?
13:05What is it?
13:06I asked for the fiddle player.
13:08It shall win an anniversary today.
13:12You, Edna, are going full!
13:15And you, get out of here!
13:16Shut up, that now!
13:17Out, out!
13:18Now!
13:19Put it aside, will you admit?
13:20Oh, shut it!
13:21We'll come back again tomorrow.
13:22Hooray!
13:25Cohooo!
13:25Hooray!
13:26Hooray!
13:26Hooray!
13:31Hooray!
13:48Hooray!
13:49Mr. Leinsdorf, the American ambassador.
13:56Come in, sit down.
14:00I am Konrad Dubienkin, Soviet premier.
14:04Yes.
14:05This is the first time we have met, is it not?
14:09No, we've met on 278 previous occasions.
14:14I expect you can guess.
14:15Russia is a great country.
14:18Yes.
14:19Ah, yes, sir.
14:20A very great country.
14:22Food riots.
14:24What are they?
14:26Meat shortages.
14:28Never heard of them.
14:30Right.
14:30Actually, I...
14:31Just because I have a dead dog in my fridge, Cruz.
14:36Nothing.
14:37Your abuse.
14:37Why shouldn't I have a dead dog in my fridge if I want to?
14:41It's a free country, sir.
14:46Yes.
14:47Russia.
14:47It's a great country and a happy country.
14:53I have here letter from man saying he likes living in Russia.
15:02Dear comrade, I like living in Russia.
15:05Signed, Dmitrii Lanovich.
15:06Yes, sir.
15:07A glowing testimonial.
15:08Here is sworn affidavit from two witnesses proving letter is genuine.
15:12I can get you 10, maybe 12 people in here who will personally testify letter was not signed at gunpoint.
15:22That won't be necessary, sir.
15:24Good.
15:25But you have urgent matter you wish to discuss.
15:28Yes, I do.
15:29Go ahead.
15:31Thank you, sir.
15:31I will make us a drink.
15:35You're very kind, sir.
15:36The point is, I've been asked to tell you that the president views with the gravest concern, sir,
15:41the seizing of this American couple, Mr. and Mrs. Hopper.
15:44It's going to be possible to subversive activity.
15:49I must have done for the family, sir.
15:52We can release them immediately.
15:54Yes.
15:56Russia is a great country.
16:02Oh, I am comrade Dobienkin, by the way.
16:06Soviet premier.
16:08It's the first time we have met.
16:10And with President Cyclops apparently refusing to adopt a firm line with the Russians,
16:21we ask, has the White House turned yellow?
16:23Yeah, shut it off, Deacon.
16:24Shut it off!
16:26This goddamn Hopper affair.
16:29Now they're actually calling me a coward, Deacon.
16:31Coward?
16:31How can they say such a thing, sir, of a man who once wrestled a live alligator with his bare hands?
16:36Damn right.
16:36How can they?
16:37I did.
16:37Your third Tarzan picture for RKO.
16:41Oh, yeah.
16:42Tarzan and the snake woman.
16:45Sure.
16:46Yeah, I wonder whatever happened to Loretta.
16:48Oh, Mr. President, sir, have you finished that CIA interview on Saudi Arabia yet?
16:53Well, damn it, Deacon, the thing's more than two inches thick.
16:55Why don't you just read the conclusions on the last page?
16:58Well, I didn't want to spoil the ending.
17:01Basically, there are three ways we can restore influence in the Middle East.
17:04Alternative one, a surprise attack on Saudi Arabia.
17:08This would involve ten commando divisions sneaking in the back way while everyone else was facing Mecca.
17:13Alternative two, in addition to your secret missile launchers in Egypt, the risk of discovery is the problem here.
17:19People have already started noticing there are more pyramids than there used to be.
17:24Alternative three is, in my opinion, the wisest course.
17:27We use all our resources to help the new Shah of Iran regain his brother's throne.
17:33The Shah?
17:34But his brother is a murderer.
17:35Nonsense.
17:36Would you call Dillinger a murderer?
17:38Well, yes.
17:39Well, the fact remains he's the only ally in the Gulf we can rely upon.
17:44Dillinger?
17:45The Shah!
17:48Even at this moment, thousands of insurgents loyal to Rasim are waiting to move in, overthrow the Archmuller, and restore Western culture.
17:58All we need to do is to offer them a little COVID assistance.
18:01But isn't that the sort of thing we condemn the Russians for doing in El Salvador?
18:05If the Lord had meant us to be consistent, he would never have given us Milton Friedman.
18:12Hey, uh, Deacon.
18:14Sir.
18:15Uh, don't you think the Easter decorations are a little severe?
18:21A mere icon, sir.
18:23Essentially, if we're to snatch the Catholic vote from Hennessy.
18:25Besides, it creates jobs for the students during their vacation.
18:28Now, the, uh, French ambassador, I spoke to him today, he tells me Shah Rassim has been formally ordered to leave Calais midday tomorrow.
18:35Well, he's not coming here.
18:37Deacon, remember my integrity.
18:39I remember it well, Mr. President.
18:41That guy is one hot potato.
18:43Why, where are you going to find a country damn fool enough to welcome the brother of a mass murderer?
18:47The Conservative government in Britain didn't hesitate, sir.
18:52They're willing to grant him asylum for as long as they're in power.
18:55That's terrific.
18:56How long is that?
18:56About seven and a half days, sir.
18:58They hold their general election next Thursday.
19:00Ample time for us secretly to smuggle the Shah back here.
19:03Lay plans for his counter-revolution in Iran later this year.
19:06Just in time to boost your reputation for our election in the fall.
19:09Ah, that's great.
19:11And if anything goes wrong...
19:12I wouldn't be at all surprised, Mr. President.
19:14WBC Worldwide News, coast to coast, bringing you all the news.
19:19It's news this Wednesday midnight from WBC Lateline News.
19:22I'm Jay Garrick.
19:22Have a cookie.
19:23The late, late headline.
19:24It has been announced that Shah Rassim of Iran will be officially deported from France in about half an hour's time.
19:29And has already been offered asylum in Britain by the Conservative government.
19:32The Secretary of State for the Environment stressed there would be no preferential treatment.
19:35The Shah will be housed in standard council accommodation.
19:38Probably somewhere in the south coast of England.
19:40In accordance with French regulations, Rassim will be formally seen off by the country's foreign minister, André Moreau.
19:45A man not noted for his subtle approach to diplomatic protocol.
19:49Only a few weeks ago, he greeted a delegation of New Zealand lamb exporters by dropping his pants to be kissed on both cheeks.
19:54On a recent visit to the United Kingdom, he is believed to have smacked the Archbishop of Canterbury round the face with a wet herring as a protest over European fishing rights.
20:02We'll be bringing you live coverage of that deportation ceremony just as soon as the Shah of Iran reaches Calais.
20:07That's right here on WBC After the Break.
20:10Left.
20:11Left.
20:12Left.
20:13Left.
20:14No, left.
20:15Right.
20:16Left.
20:17Left.
20:18No, left.
20:19Right.
20:20Left again.
20:21And, uh, do you think that the blindfold is, uh...
20:23I am wearing it now, and I'm taking it.
20:24Yes, I know you're right.
20:25I was just wondering if you really needed it at the moment.
20:26I am not worthy to look upon your holy countenance, Master.
20:28For so it is written in the ancient scriptures, O Lion of the Gulf, that I am forbidden even to see your face.
20:43Yes, I realize.
20:44Slow down.
20:45Look out.
20:46Look, vulgar the scriptures.
20:47Just take it off.
20:48I would catch a glimpse of your divine visage in the mirror, O Star of the East, and would then have to gouge out my eyes with a toothpick.
21:05They're getting very queasy in the back here.
21:09Oh, God.
21:10I'll be glad when we get to England.
21:12Take one of your travel sickness pills, O Moon of the Desert.
21:17Where are they?
21:18In the big suitcase, O Last of the Mohicans.
21:22I haven't had much of Western.
21:25Last of the Mohicans?
21:27That was an old 1940s Western.
21:30What is it?
21:32Randolph Scott and Bruce Kapot.
21:35Oh, yes.
21:43Sharmashik Razin.
21:45This way, please.
21:47I will take the cases and load them onto the boat, O Jewel of the Cosmos.
22:00блat cackles...
22:02frontead, blat cackles!
22:03Bonjour Mesdames et Messieurs, représentants des journaux distingués.
22:26Good day, gentlemen of the world press.
22:29Also, it's eminence the Ash Mullah of Iran if you are looking in.
22:34You see, as you see, today we are here to attend a ceremony of great humiliation.
22:43Welcome to this farewell ceremony.
22:48As to intervene the terms of his day here, I must leave.
22:52This man here is an African cat who makes me vomit.
22:57Here is the deportation order.
23:02Made out, as you see, to His Majesty the Eighted Shah in big letters.
23:09And now, the cup of tea.
23:21Into which I place the jockey sugar cube.
23:26So then, le voici. The floppy stick of asparagus. Nice and buttery.
23:38And this is the ceremony of gross humiliation.
23:43Good day!
23:44Good day!
23:45Good day!
23:46Good day!
23:48Good day!
23:49Good day!
23:50Good day!
23:51Good day!
23:52Good day!
23:53Nice and buttery!
23:55Oh my god!
23:56How sweet!
23:57How sweet!
23:58Hey!
23:59Yeah!
24:00How sweet!
24:01And good day!
24:02How sweet!
24:03And good day!
24:05Domini de grosse humiliation.
24:10Bon voyage.
24:15And good riddance.
24:19Damn pig ignorant French!
24:24Is that you, Spangle of the heavens?
24:26Yes, yes, yes, it's gonna hurt.
24:28When I get back to power, they will pay for this.
24:31There now, we see Monsieur Moreau giving a final farewell salute.
24:37And Shah Razim now boards the private launch which will ferry him across the channel to Britain.
24:42The future of the Western Alliance depends on this man, Mr. President.
24:45I won't rest easy in my bed till we've got him over here in Washington.
24:48Security, of course, is very tight here because there are many Arab terrorist organizations
24:52who would give anything to see this man Razim dead.
24:55Jesus Christ!
25:01The boats come up! They've killed him, Deacon!
25:04This is goodbye to the whole operation!
25:06On the contrary, Mr. President, this is where it all begins.
25:10On the contrary, Mr. President, this is where it all begins.
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