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00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:30CastingWords
01:00CastingWords
01:30CastingWords
01:59so I'll starve.
02:01Mish, mosh, mishy, gruff.
02:02Mommy, ring the caterer.
02:04So what are you a schlepper?
02:06Palestine, smellestine, mission, who's the steal?
02:09One, two, three, four, busy, busy, rich,
02:11oh, babe!
02:18Okay, at ease.
02:21General E.F. Gizzard Pemberley would like a word with you now.
02:25General?
02:26Now, I won't miss words with you guys.
02:29The Soviet invasion of Iran has presented us
02:31with the gravest threat to world peace this century.
02:34As a show of force, the president has ordered
02:3620 divisions in the United States Army into Israel.
02:39Now, I'll be here.
02:40I want this outfit at all times to be 100% combat ready.
02:45And above all, I want you to look upon me
02:47not just as an officer, but as a friend.
02:52A very special friend, if you like.
02:55The kind of friend you can learn to care for.
02:57Well, not just in a platonic sense,
03:00but in a very deep, sincere, and physical way.
03:06Well, thank you very much, General.
03:08Any time you feel the need to come and see me in my cabin,
03:11well, that's what I'm here for.
03:14And of course, if you want to bring a friend along,
03:16well, that's very much all right.
03:17This is the translation, sir.
03:21Oh, good, yeah.
03:22We in the Soviet Union did not invade Iran at all.
03:27The archmuller merely invited some of our tank crews
03:30to spend a few weeks' holiday there.
03:34The Soviet Union had recently received information
03:38that the imperialist jackals and trails...
03:42That's you, Mr. President.
03:43Oh, it is.
03:45Deacon, who is this?
03:48Chuck, sir.
03:49Chuck is assigned to stay with you around the clock,
03:51and that case contains details of your retaliatory options
03:54in the event of a Soviet nuclear attack.
03:56Oh, I see.
03:57Hi.
03:58I'm the President of the United States.
04:01That will be Dr. Weininger, sir.
04:03The psychiatrist.
04:05Psychiatrist?
04:05We can't be certain that your mental ability
04:07hasn't been impaired.
04:08Oh, come on.
04:09I'm as sane as I ever was.
04:12After all, whose idea was it to send the troops to Israel
04:15as a show of strength?
04:16Mine, sir.
04:17Yeah, but who signed the authorization?
04:19The Vice President, sir.
04:20Yeah, but whose idea was it, Deacon?
04:22Whose idea to pull out six of our pawns
04:24from the U.S. Soviet chess tournament
04:26as an international protest?
04:28Sir, before the hospital can let you return to duty,
04:31they have to carry out certain tests.
04:34Well, they won't catch me out.
04:36I'll behave as if I'm completely normal.
04:38Dr. Martin.
04:39Good morning, Mr. President.
04:41Oh, hi.
04:42Hi.
04:45Now then, how are you feeling?
04:49Oh, fine, fine.
04:50I never felt better.
04:52But I just poured a vase of water all over your head.
04:55Yeah, that's right.
04:56You did.
04:57And yet you said nothing.
04:59Well, no.
05:00Now we must check your eyes
05:02to make sure that you are not suffering
05:04from any dizzy spell.
05:06Yes, what do you see?
05:07Oh, nothing.
05:08Nothing.
05:09You see something happening to my bow tie?
05:11No, no, no.
05:12It's fine.
05:13It's just fine.
05:14Oh, good.
05:14Good.
05:14Good.
05:14Good.
05:15Good.
05:15Good.
05:15Good.
05:15Good.
05:16Good.
05:16Good.
05:16Good.
05:16Good.
05:16Good.
05:16Good.
05:16Good.
05:16Good.
05:16Good.
05:16Good.
05:16Good.
05:16Good.
05:17Good.
05:17Good.
05:17Good.
05:18Good.
05:18Good.
05:19Good.
05:20Good.
05:21Good.
05:22Good.
05:23Good.
05:24Good.
05:25Good.
05:26Good.
05:27Good.
05:28Good.
05:29Good.
05:30Good.
05:30Good.
05:31Good.
05:31Good.
05:32Good.
05:32Good.
05:33Good.
05:33Good.
05:34Good.
05:34Good.
05:35Good.
05:35Good.
05:36Good.
05:36Good.
05:37Good.
05:37Good.
05:38Good.
05:38Good.
05:39Good.
05:39Good.
05:40Good.
05:40Good.
05:41Good.
05:41Good.
05:42Good.
05:42Good.
05:43Good.
05:43Good.
05:44Good.
05:44Good.
05:45Good.
05:45Good.
05:46Good.
05:46Good.
05:47Good.
05:47Good.
05:48Good.
05:48Good.
05:49Now, tell me, what am I sitting on now, hmm?
05:52Oh, God.
05:54A chair.
05:56A goddamn chair.
05:58Listen, I am not crazy, you hear me?
06:00I am completely sane and normal,
06:03and you are sitting on a chair.
06:06WBBC Dateline News.
06:07From north to south, from bad to worse,
06:09I'm Jay Garrick, but for how much longer?
06:11The main story of the day,
06:12President Cyclops will not be leaving hospital
06:14for a few more days yet.
06:15Psychoneurologist Dr. Horst Weininger
06:17said he plans to keep the president in
06:18for a little routine brain surgery.
06:20Meanwhile, further international tension
06:22is sure to develop following today's shock announcement
06:24that the United Kingdom is to join the Warsaw Pact.
06:27The deal is expected to arouse widespread protests
06:29throughout Great Britain.
06:30All police leave has been canceled,
06:32and tonight six cafes will be raided in Brixton.
06:35In the meantime, a few hours ago in Tehran,
06:37Soviet leader Dubenkin flew in to pay a brief call
06:39on Russia's other new satellite country, Iran.
06:42Well, yes.
06:45All ready to go?
06:47Yes.
06:47Well, yes.
06:48Welcome to our country,
07:04comrade Dupienkin.
07:06Thank you, Archmola. You are looking very well.
07:11Yes, I am fortunate that I am not in Siberia, so I can greet you personally.
07:20Let me shake your hand.
07:27And now I must go away for a long rest.
07:30My doctors have recommended a little holiday camp called the Gulag Archipelago.
07:38I think you will be most comfortable there.
07:42Let us drink a toast to our two great countries.
07:47A toast!
07:51Nastrovya!
08:00Oh, misery me!
08:05Will you shut up saying, oh, misery me?
08:08It's getting right up my nose.
08:10Oh, misery me! Great Britain in the Warsaw Pact!
08:14Oh!
08:16We've got a psychotic Prime Minister on our hands.
08:19Now the Foreign Secretary has signed us up to permanent slavery.
08:22Oh, holy Herod Antipas!
08:24Will you give over Grizzling and let me think?
08:26Hello! Hello, Epner!
08:27Oh, Jesus, wep for sin!
08:30Sorry to keep you, boys and girls.
08:36Well, now, about this Warsaw Pact business.
08:40Jolly good idea, I must say.
08:42The Russian ambassador sent us all this guff.
08:45It looks fairly straightforward to me.
08:48Now then, what have we got here?
08:50Congratulations, Great Britain,
08:52for you have just joined the world's foremost defence and freedom organisation.
08:57Oh, holy Jericho!
08:59To become a member of this elitist set says more about your country than...
09:04Excuse me!
09:06Oh, no!
09:13Oh, sorry.
09:15Nearly had a disaster on our hands there, boys and girls.
09:18I thought my super breath was going to blow a hole right through that wall.
09:23That's it!
09:25What are you doing? Sit down!
09:26What the hell is that?
09:27It's Kryptonite!
09:28What might he drop into the dead planet Krypton?
09:29Absolutely lethal to all his former inhabitants!
09:30Have you got stark waiting, man?
09:31Pull yourself together!
09:32You know, Brian, I think he's been overdoing things.
09:36Now, where were we?
09:37By taking advantage of our special opening offer, you will receive, completely without obligation,
09:43one top party official as security adviser, plus six super-secret policemen every month.
09:44I understand I may cancel my membership at any time, subject to the usual military formalities.
09:49Johnny's going to work, Brian, a real scoop.
09:50Well, boys and girls, it's back to the chocolate factory.
09:51Well, it's back to the chocolate factory.
09:52It's back to the chocolate factory.
09:53Well, I think he's been doing things.
09:54I think he's been overdoing things.
09:55I think he's been overdoing things.
09:56Now, where were we?
09:57By taking advantage of our special opening offer, you will receive, completely without obligation,
10:00one top party official as security adviser, plus six super-secret policemen every month.
10:07I understand I may cancel my membership at any time, subject to the usual military formalities.
10:12It's going to work, Brian!
10:14A real scoop.
10:15Well, boys and girls, it's back to the chocolate factory.
10:19I hope you'll be feeling better soon, Dave.
10:30Oh, misery me!
10:32Here is a news flash.
10:34During the last few minutes, a Soviet nuclear-powered submarine has been sighted in Staines Reservoir.
10:40It is believed to have been brought to surface by a freak windstorm,
10:43which has totally baffled meteorologists.
10:45The windstorm, which measured Force 10 on the Beaufort Scale,
10:48seems to have originated from the general direction of central London.
10:51No, Dave!
10:52No, Dave!
10:53No, Dave!
10:54Not again!
10:55No, Dave!
10:56No, Dave!
10:57No, Dave!
10:58No, Dave!
10:59No, Dave!
11:00No, Dave!
11:01No, Dave!
11:02No, Dave!
11:03No, Dave!
11:04No, Dave!
11:05No, Dave!
11:06No, Dave!
11:07No, Dave!
11:08Hello, Deacon!
11:20Oh, Deacon.
11:34Dr. Wynigo could find nothing wrong with you, sir.
11:37The lobotomy was not necessary.
11:40Well, I should just hope not.
11:44If anybody tries to give me a lobotomy, they'll get a piece of my mind.
11:47Well, I feel just fine now, Deacon.
11:51So when do I get out of this goddamn hole?
11:53Everything's well in hand, sir.
11:54I've told the press you have 24 hours to live
11:57and your popularity rating has rocketed overnight.
12:01At 8.45 tonight, I shall lead the nation in an act of supplication
12:04on the Playtex Tootsie Roll Pray-In Program.
12:09At 7.15 tomorrow morning, you will make a miracle recovery snatch from the jaws of death.
12:14Isn't modern religion a wonderful thing?
12:17We have more pressing matters, sir.
12:19I referred, of course, to the missing quack bomb.
12:21Oh, but that's all down the tube now, surely.
12:23I mean, with the Russians in Iran, we haven't got a hope in hell of putting the shawl back.
12:27You'll have to get on to this lacrobat guy right away and tell him the whole thing's off.
12:31I mean, it's as simple as that.
12:32If the Lord had meant it to be as simple as that, he would never have given us Valium.
12:36For the deception to succeed in the first place,
12:41the lacrobat had to believe he was working for the enemy.
12:43Left unchecked, he will deliver the bomb straight into the hands of the Soviets.
12:46Our problem is to find him, let alone stop him.
12:48Jesus Christ!
12:50The Soviets have invaded Iran.
12:52We're on the brink of a full-scale war.
12:54We've sent a guy to hand over our deadliest weapon to the other side.
12:58And don't eat the goddamn marzipan ones!
13:05Master of disguise, though he may be.
13:10Lacrobat can't elude us forever.
13:12I have here some probable lacrobat sightings and eyewitness reports.
13:17Now, they present a certain pattern which I think could help us.
13:21Yeah.
13:22This one three days ago.
13:24Stiggy Redwood, a deaf and dumb lumberjack from Gypsomville Manor.
13:28In October, claimed he was in Geneva for a log-rolling competition
13:31and had with him his own seven-foot sequoia log.
13:36And this one the following day.
13:38Zeppo Quicksilver, an agnostic carpet salesman suffering from Quincy,
13:42had two customs of Naples carrying a seven-foot roll of Axminster.
13:47He claimed to be ordered for the Tower of Pisa.
13:50This one only yesterday, sir.
13:52Japheth von Buggery, a Westphalian skipper deckman,
13:55who only eats organic rice,
13:57arrived in Tetergrad to deliver a seven-foot-legged-backed chimney
14:02for the local paper mill.
14:03Well, for the look of these,
14:05he ought to be somewhere around Greece about now.
14:07Precisely, sir.
14:08I've had every official in the Aegean put on full alert.
14:11There is no way on earth he can pass through the net this time.
14:13Open that casket, and you will be damned for all eternity.
14:26Mr. Floisjoie, Montgomery, Indenburg, Floisjoie.
14:33Mr. Ovidaberry, Gobble, Danzigor, Snot, Glendal Snitch, Floisjoie, and Whipsnade.
14:41Most of us to the world of show business.
14:44Mr. Floisjoie, we have a grade-A security alert on, and I must inspect...
14:48My man, you do not understand.
14:51I am the Floisjoie, personal undertaker to the stars of the silver screen.
14:58Here are some of my glittering notices.
15:02Great arrangement.
15:03The sequined guitars on the lead are a treat, Jim Reeves.
15:09The biggest funeral I've ever had in my life, Sam Goldwyn.
15:15I can't wait to drop dead, Barry Manaville.
15:21Monsieur, I have buried the greatest names in show business.
15:26Monsieur Bob Hope ears me on a weekly retainer.
15:33I will just want to be clean until I have looked inside.
15:37I forbid you to open this casket.
15:40Give me that.
15:42I demand to speak to your superiors.
15:50Manoli!
15:57This man refuses to let me see into his casket.
16:01Oh, and you are Mr. Macabre.
16:07Floisjoie's Trans-Global Theatrical Undertaking Service.
16:12You are the grave, and all the men and women merely stiffs.
16:17So if you're quite as satisfied, just one moment.
16:24You say you bury members of the entertainment profession?
16:28Correct.
16:29Why is this casket so large?
16:31It was a double act.
16:40Now, if you will excuse me.
16:43A double act?
16:44You are saying there are two people inside this casket?
16:48Oh, oui.
16:49Let me see the death certificate.
16:50The double act is either Enziger and Webster Booth.
16:57Frister...
16:58Give me that.
17:03The Kobelski dwarves?
17:05A very popular midget act.
17:08They died of simultaneous heart attacks while visiting the Parsonon.
17:14It is my sad duty now to transport them to the native Jerusalem.
17:19It sounds genuine.
17:20No.
17:22Open the casket.
17:23Have you no respect for the dead?
17:28Kepard's is a very delicate mechanism.
17:53I do not, sir, but we have our orders.
17:56I'm sure you understand.
17:57I do not, gentlemen.
17:59I do not.
18:01I shall not accompany this casket personally to the cargo world.
18:05And when I get to Jerusalem, mark my words,
18:09the rocket, he will go up.
18:14WBC Dateline News.
18:16I'm Jay Garrick.
18:16Try these two for size.
18:18The Commander-in-Chief of America's Forces in Israel,
18:20General E.F. Gizzard Pemberley,
18:22was blown up today when a terrorist bomb exploded underneath his bed.
18:25Two 18-year-old Marines were also killed.
18:28Meanwhile, in response to America's call for the Soviet Union
18:31to get out of Iran or face the consequences,
18:33the Soviet ambassador today issued the following communique.
18:36Go screw yourselves, Yankee bastards.
18:39Officials in Washington are now studying the details of the statement
18:42before deciding on their next move.
18:44But now we go over to an English Channel Ferry
18:46for a special live interview between David Frost and the Shah of Iran.
18:49Hello, good evening, and welcome.
18:53I can't find Dr. Wynigger anywhere, sir,
18:56but sister said that these would help calm you down.
18:58Yeah, all right.
18:59Gee, I never thought I'd see the day I had to sign this one, deacon.
19:03Authorization to select possible nuclear missile targets
19:06in the United Kingdom.
19:08Sir, if the Lord had meant man to live in England,
19:11he would have given him gills.
19:14Ties.
19:15Pork knew what he was doing when he joined the Warsaw Pact.
19:17Yeah, I guess.
19:19Wounded pork.
19:22Excellent.
19:23When?
19:25Airport security of Jerusalem, sir.
19:27They think they found the quack bomb.
19:31Get this area cleared.
19:32A window display model for the Bear Shaver
19:42tricks and novelty symposium.
19:45A member of the international toy shop chain
19:48of Bloomingdale, Blitzstein, Gelbart, Gamo,
19:50Abedniko, Lipsky, Kappa, and Schlepp.
19:54But he's not that firm.
19:57This time, the devil has been caught out at last.
20:00Mazel tov, monsieur.
20:03Let's hope it doesn't go off.
20:05Ha ha ha ha!
20:15Mmm.
20:17Mm-hmm.
20:24Huh.
20:30Mm-hmm.
20:32Oh, my God.
21:02Where's the problem?
21:04Security check.
21:06Where are you going?
21:08Please, do not touch the casket, okay?
21:13Who's your passenger, buddy?
21:19This happens to be the body of General Pemberley.
21:23I would expect you to have a little more respect.
21:27How come you're driving coffins around at this hour?
21:32He's cool, bud. I just got word from base.
21:34Change of plan. The holding Gazette's funeral tonight.
21:37Security precaution.
21:46Adios, amigos.
21:56Hang on. Ain't it going in the wrong direction?
22:00Hey, you there!
22:01Stop!
22:13Crazy fool.
22:15Okay, let's get this on the Jeep.
22:17We'll have to take it there ourselves.
22:32Let's go.
22:33Huh!
22:37Huh.
22:39Huh.
22:41Huh, huh, huh...
22:44Huh, huh, huh, huh!
22:48Huh, huh, huh, huh...
22:49wbc late late special it's 3 a.m i'm jay garrick and you're an insomniac the satellite headlines
23:09following the soviet invasion of iran the revolutionary junta in saudi arabia has
23:13just announced they will restore all america's oil supplies in full in exchange for certain
23:17guarantees regarding their national security the news will come as a huge relief to president
23:21cyclops who in response to nationwide prayers yesterday evening made a miracle recovery from
23:25his fatal wounds at 7 15 a.m this morning meanwhile soviet reaction to the saudi move has been strangely
23:31muted and the feeling among many western diplomats is that mr dubenkin may yet have one or two further
23:36plans up his sleeve are you sure you feel well enough to return to the white house sure i never
23:51felt better in my life tegan just think once we move our troops down from israel into saudi arabia
23:58the soviets won't dare touch them meantime the oil tankers can start sailing again and the u.s can
24:03start get back on our feet again of long last yes sir deacon i got a feeling all our problems will soon be over
24:14he who believes in me though he die yet shall he live
24:17for this slight momentary affliction is preparing us in eternal weight of glory beyond all
24:32the fellowship of the holy spirit be with us all evermore
24:43the crematorium just down the road about that
24:48so
24:59so
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