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00:00:06Test, test, test, got a real hot mic up here, fellas.
00:00:10Ooh, really hot mic.
00:00:11Somebody check the woofers.
00:00:12Ooh.
00:00:12It's tough.
00:00:13It's tough.
00:00:14Wow.
00:00:15Yeah.
00:00:15It's really inspiring that all of you decided to attend this mandatory drug awareness assembly.
00:00:20Yes.
00:00:21I'm Mr. Marty Kolk.
00:00:23And I'm Ms. Bobby Mohan Kolk.
00:00:25And of course, we do head up the music department here at Altadena Middle School.
00:00:28Today, you've heard a lot about how damaging drugs can be, and boy, do we know it.
00:00:32Sure.
00:00:33Bobby and I once faced the terrors of tripping on pot.
00:00:38It was no day at the beach.
00:00:40Lesson learned.
00:00:40Tough stuff.
00:00:41Yes.
00:00:42Yeah.
00:00:43So in the spirit of drug awareness, let's respect our bodies.
00:00:46Protect our futures.
00:00:48Yes.
00:00:48And roll up a fatty full of fellowship and funk.
00:00:51Yes.
00:00:51Yes.
00:00:52One, two, three, four.
00:00:55Let's go.
00:00:57I want to drug.
00:00:59One that won't make me sick, or get suspended.
00:01:01One that won't make me crash my car, or make me feel three feet thick, thick, thick.
00:01:07Black, oh, son, won't you climb.
00:01:12Watch away in the rain.
00:01:14Black, oh, son, won't you climb?
00:01:17Won't you climb?
00:01:21Ladies, leave your drunks at home, the club is full of bottles and your pub is full of gold.
00:01:25And all you fellas leave your break with a friend, cause it's 11.30 and the joint is jumping, jumping.
00:01:30Jump, jump, jump around, jump, jump, jump around.
00:01:34My cheese gone cold, I'm wondering why.
00:01:39Dear Slim, my name is Marty.
00:01:40I wrote this letter, cause I don't like to party.
00:01:43If you take drugs, I think you're a wiener.
00:01:46Besides, I can't take them, I'm a teacher at Altadena.
00:01:50I don't do drugs, cause I got a good hobby.
00:01:53It's kicking at old stool, with my fresh wife, Bobby.
00:01:56Cause it's not so bad, it's not so bad.
00:02:04Dealer went down to Georgia, he was looking for a bong to steal.
00:02:08He was in a bind cause he was way behind, he was looking to make a deal.
00:02:11Fire in the mountain, run boys, run!
00:02:13Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do
00:02:17-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do
00:02:21-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do
00:02:23-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do
00:02:23-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do
00:02:23-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do
00:02:25you know sometimes you can be addicted to something that's not a drug I like big
00:02:30butts and I cannot lie you other brothers can't deny that when a girl walks in with an itty bitty
00:02:35waist and a round thing in your face you get strong
00:02:37I see you baby! Shakin' that ass! You get strong!
00:02:41Me so horny! Shakin' that ass!
00:02:44We might as well face it we're addicted to love!
00:02:53Thank you!
00:02:54Just say no gang! Just say no!
00:03:26Saturday Night Live! The best of Will Burrell!
00:03:47After a series of staggering defeats, Blue Oyster Cult assembled in the recording studio in late 1976 for a session
00:03:55with theme producer Bruce Dickinson.
00:03:56Luckily for us the cameras were rolling.
00:04:01Alright guys I think we're ready to lay this first track down. By the way my name is Bruce Dickinson.
00:04:09Yes the Bruce Dickinson. And I gotta tell you fellas you have got what appears to be a dynamite sound.
00:04:16Coming from you Bruce that means a lot.
00:04:21Yeah I mean you're Bruce Dickinson.
00:04:24This is incredible.
00:04:25I can't believe Bruce Dickinson digs our sound.
00:04:27Easy guys I put my pants on just like the rest of you one leg at a time.
00:04:33Except once my pants are on I make gold records.
00:04:38All right here we go fear don't fear the Reaper take one roll.
00:04:43All right one two three four.
00:04:56Let's go!
00:04:59Let's go!
00:05:00Let's go!
00:05:00All the times have come.
00:05:06We're here for the now they've gone.
00:05:11Wait! Wait!
00:05:12Let's stop.
00:05:13Um, Bruce, could you come in here for a second, please?
00:05:17That was going to be a great track.
00:05:19Guys, what's the deal?
00:05:20Uh, are you sure that was sounding okay?
00:05:22I'll be honest, fellas, it was sounding great,
00:05:24but I could have used a little more cowbell.
00:05:32So, let's take it again.
00:05:33And, Gene, really explore the studio space this time.
00:05:37You got it, Bruce.
00:05:38I mean, really.
00:05:39Yeah.
00:05:40Explore the space.
00:05:41Okay.
00:05:41I like what I'm hearing.
00:05:43Roll it.
00:05:45One, two, three, four.
00:05:59All the time I've run
00:06:06We've got sounds of God
00:06:10Hey, stop!
00:06:13Stop, Bruce, I'm sorry.
00:06:15Could you come back in here, please?
00:06:16Fellas, you know, we just wasted two good tracks.
00:06:21This last one was even better than the first.
00:06:24Well, it's just that I find Gene's cowbell playing distracted.
00:06:27I don't know.
00:06:28If I'm the only one, I'll shut up.
00:06:29No, it's pretty rough.
00:06:31You know, I can pull it back a little if you like.
00:06:34Not too much, though.
00:06:35I'm telling you, fellas, you're going to want that cowbell from the track.
00:06:39You know what?
00:06:40It's fine.
00:06:41Let's just do the thing.
00:06:42Okay.
00:06:42Roll it.
00:06:44One, two, three, four.
00:06:46One, two, three, four.
00:07:16You know, that, that, it doesn't work for me.
00:07:19I got to have more cowbell.
00:07:22Don't blow this for us, Gene!
00:07:24You could be so, you could be so selfish, Gene.
00:07:28Can I just say one thing?
00:07:30Yeah, baby, just say it.
00:07:32I'm staring here, staring at rock legend Bruce Dickinson.
00:07:35I'm a cock and a walk, baby.
00:07:37And if Bruce Dickinson wants more cowbell, we should probably give him more cowbell.
00:07:41Say it, baby.
00:07:43And, Bobby, you are right.
00:07:44I am being selfish.
00:07:45But the last time I checked, we don't have a whole lot of songs that feature the cowbell.
00:07:50I gotta have more cowbell, baby.
00:07:54I'd be doing myself a disservice.
00:07:56And every member of this band, if I didn't perform the hell out of this.
00:08:01Guess what?
00:08:03I got a fever.
00:08:05And the only prescription is more cowbell.
00:08:10Thank you, Bruce.
00:08:13I think if, if I just leave and maybe I'll come back later and we can lay down the cowbell.
00:08:18Come on, baby.
00:08:19Gene, wait.
00:08:23Why don't you lay down that cowbell right now with us together?
00:08:37Do you mean that, Eric?
00:08:38Oh, yeah.
00:08:39She speaks for all of us.
00:08:42Babies, before we're done here, y'all be wearing gold-plated diapers.
00:08:49What does that mean?
00:08:50Never question Bruce Dickinson.
00:08:52Roll it.
00:08:59One, two, three, four.
00:09:14All the times I've had
00:09:24That's a good one.
00:09:27Hi.
00:09:27I'm Dale Sturdivant.
00:09:28I've been raising dogs since I was six.
00:09:31And nothing has brought me more joy or more sheer frustration than training a puppy.
00:09:36With a very young pup, correcting problem behavior can be especially maddening.
00:09:40And like you, I've probably tried all the tricks.
00:09:43Screaming myself hoarse, starving them, locking them in a closet for days on end, or just beating them without mercy.
00:09:49But after my third arrest and court-ordered anger management counseling, I learned to channel my rage into an effective,
00:09:56nonviolent puppy training tool.
00:09:58It's called Dissing Your Dog.
00:10:01How to Train Your Puppy with Mockery and Verbal Humiliation.
00:10:04You see, dogs are much more intuitive than we give them credit for.
00:10:08They know when they're the butt of ridicule.
00:10:10And when they misbehave, a well-placed, sarcastic comment or cutting remark can work wonders where a rolled-up newspaper
00:10:16fails.
00:10:17Whatever your puppy's behavior problem, I guarantee I can help you fix it.
00:10:21Problems like jumping on furniture.
00:10:23Oh, no, no, no, Humphrey.
00:10:24Don't get up.
00:10:25Why don't you just stay there and relax?
00:10:28After all, you did put in a long day of work at a demanding, high-stress job.
00:10:34Oh, no, wait a minute.
00:10:36That's me.
00:10:37Now I remember.
00:10:39I'm the one with the job.
00:10:41You're the one who lies around the house all day in a pool of your own slobber.
00:10:49Accidents in the house.
00:10:50Hey, Walter, thanks for your help with the new off-white sofa.
00:10:54Everybody agrees that dump you left there was the perfect accent.
00:10:57So good job.
00:10:59Oh, and by the way, Milton Berle called.
00:11:01He wants his bladder control back.
00:11:03That's it.
00:11:04Good dog.
00:11:05Fussy eating habits.
00:11:07Oh, right, Margaret.
00:11:08You wanted prime rib.
00:11:09Here's the deal.
00:11:11The Palm wasn't taking reservations.
00:11:13And I didn't want to try Morton's because I understand they have a new chef.
00:11:16So for now, let's just go with the Alpo, okay?
00:11:19I know it's not your first choice, but keep in mind, you're a f***ing dog.
00:11:32I'm so confident this program works, I want to send you volume one of the five-part series free of
00:11:36charge.
00:11:37Once you've seen it, I know you'll order the rest.
00:11:40Right, Murphy, you brainless sack of excrement?
00:11:44She's being punished.
00:11:44To order Dissing Your Dog, dial 1-800-555-0199.
00:11:49Call today.
00:11:50Remember, there's one thing stronger than a dog's sense of smell.
00:11:54His sense of irony.
00:12:05R-O-W-D-I-E, that's the way we spell Rowdy Rowdy.
00:12:09Let's get Rowdy.
00:12:10Woo!
00:12:11R-O-W-D-I-E.
00:12:14Woo!
00:12:15More spirit!
00:12:16More spirit!
00:12:16Woo!
00:12:17More spirit!
00:12:19Woo!
00:12:22Oh, my God, we are playing great chess right now.
00:12:24I know.
00:12:25How's my hair look?
00:12:26It looks okay.
00:12:27You have some split ends, though.
00:12:28I'm sorry.
00:12:29I'm a friend.
00:12:31I respect your honesty, but it still hurts.
00:12:36Oh, my God, he's going for Glenn's bishop.
00:12:37Protect your bishop, Glenn!
00:12:39Don't lose your bishop this early.
00:12:40Oh, my God, protect your bishop!
00:12:42Watch out for his horse!
00:12:43Oh, that's great to fix some chess.
00:12:44Oh, my God, I got it!
00:12:45I got it, Glenn, Glenn, okay, go.
00:12:48Roll call!
00:12:49Cha-cha-boo-chee, cha-cha-cha-boo-chee, roll call!
00:12:53I'm Arianna.
00:12:54I have to use spirit.
00:12:56I don't do drugs, so check me out!
00:12:59Cha-cha-boo-chee, cha-cha-cha-boo-chee, roll call!
00:13:03My name is Craig.
00:13:05I did drugs once.
00:13:06I am a Spartan, so check me out.
00:13:09So check us out!
00:13:11U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi.
00:13:15You're ugly.
00:13:15Ha-ha, you're ugly.
00:13:17Woo!
00:13:17K-I-N-G, you can't take my king from me.
00:13:21You're ugly.
00:13:21Ha-ha, you're ugly.
00:13:23Woo!
00:13:24Not cute.
00:13:25Woo!
00:13:25Spartan spirit!
00:13:26Spartan spirit!
00:13:27Woo!
00:13:28Woo!
00:13:28Woo!
00:13:29Oh, my God.
00:13:31Oh, my God.
00:13:32What?
00:13:33Guess who's here.
00:13:34Who?
00:13:34Alexis.
00:13:35Alexis?
00:13:36I'm only mad at her.
00:13:37What, Alexis?
00:13:39What?
00:13:39Where were you?
00:13:40I only had to watch Friends Alone.
00:13:42Now I know who my friends are.
00:13:45What?
00:13:45No.
00:13:46Really?
00:13:47Okay, me too.
00:13:48All right, I'll climb in her.
00:13:51Okay.
00:13:51Oh, there's your dad.
00:13:52I'm supposed to be a cannon.
00:13:53What?
00:13:54Where's your dad, Craig?
00:13:55No, Dad.
00:13:56No, you can't use a flash in here.
00:13:58It disturbs the players.
00:13:59Dad?
00:14:00Dad?
00:14:02Ariana, my dad wants to take a picture of us.
00:14:04Oh, Craig, Craig, you just told me I had split ends.
00:14:06I know, I'm sorry.
00:14:06This is the worst thing that could happen.
00:14:07I'm not going to forgive you for this.
00:14:08This is ridiculous.
00:14:13So you want a victory?
00:14:15Well, that makes you a wisher.
00:14:17One thing that is for sure, you ain't no Bobby Fisher.
00:14:20Bobby Fisher, where is he?
00:14:21I don't know.
00:14:22I don't know.
00:14:23Bobby Fisher, where is he?
00:14:25I don't know.
00:14:26I don't know.
00:14:27Go ask your mama and make sure you listen.
00:14:30Because one thing is for sure, Bobby Fisher's missing.
00:14:33Bobby Fisher, where is he?
00:14:35I don't know.
00:14:40He's gone.
00:14:42Hey, who's that Spartan in my teepee?
00:14:45It's me.
00:14:45It's me.
00:14:46Who's that Spartan in my teepee?
00:14:48It's me.
00:14:49It's me.
00:14:50Uh-huh.
00:14:51Uh-huh.
00:14:51Uh-huh.
00:14:52Uh-huh.
00:14:52Uh-huh.
00:14:52Uh-huh.
00:14:52Uh-huh.
00:14:53Native Americans.
00:14:54Okay.
00:14:55We'll get the message, guys.
00:14:57It was done.
00:14:57Shut up.
00:14:58It was done.
00:14:58Are you two completely insane?
00:15:00This is a chess tournament.
00:15:01Oh, my God.
00:15:02Oh, my God.
00:15:02Glenn.
00:15:03Glenn.
00:15:03Your knight-to-roop combo was a killer move.
00:15:06Oh, my God.
00:15:06You were all over the board, Glenn.
00:15:07Look, will you please shut up?
00:15:08Look, I know I'm a dork, and I have greasy hair, and I've never kissed a girl.
00:15:12Glenn, it's okay to explore.
00:15:13It's your body.
00:15:14Safe sex is in your hands.
00:15:15Sex and weight.
00:15:17Masturbate.
00:15:17Shut up.
00:15:18Shut up.
00:15:19You two are freaks.
00:15:21Do you know how far you've fallen when the chess team makes fun of you?
00:15:25You know, Ariana, I once dreamed of asking you out.
00:15:28Glenn.
00:15:30But now, I don't even think so.
00:15:32And, Craig, I'm not sure, but I think I could kick your ass.
00:15:35Now, pipe down, you losers.
00:15:37Oh, great.
00:15:38It's only my move.
00:15:39Oh, my God.
00:15:40Oh, my God.
00:15:40Glenn is so mad.
00:15:41I know.
00:15:42What does he want from us?
00:15:43We're trying to be nice to him.
00:15:44I know.
00:15:44What does he want from us?
00:15:46I know what he wants.
00:15:48The perfect cheer?
00:15:53Let's kick it.
00:15:55Come on.
00:16:23Let's kick it.
00:16:32Let's kick it.
00:16:54Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Robert Goulet.
00:16:58Hello, I'm Robert Goulet.
00:17:01Da-da-dee-da-da-da-doo.
00:17:05I know one thing we can agree on.
00:17:07When a professional gets his mitts on a song, that's when it really takes off.
00:17:13Da-da-dee-da-da-da-da-da-doo.
00:17:16That's why I've gone out and done the music world a friggin' service.
00:17:21And cut this compact disc.
00:17:23It's called the Coconut Banger's Ball.
00:17:27It's a wrap.
00:17:29Little inside, I know.
00:17:31Anyway, what you get is one full hour of rip-roaring rap music.
00:17:37Not by some dubious ruffians without the chops, but by a professionally trained voice man.
00:17:44No musical accompaniment.
00:17:46It's just me out there.
00:17:48Watch what I do with this little ditty from Mr. Sisko called the Thong Song.
00:17:55Oh, girl, that dress is so scandalous.
00:18:01And you know, another nigger couldn't handle it.
00:18:08You see, she air dumps like a truck, truck, truck.
00:18:12Hey, that's like a what, what, what.
00:18:16Baby, move your butt, butt, butt.
00:18:19Or they go sing it again.
00:18:20She banks, your bop, bop, thong song.
00:18:23Stuff like that.
00:18:27Hey, you wouldn't hire a clown to fix a leak in the john.
00:18:32So why do you let these hooligans tear down the biz?
00:18:35Yeah.
00:18:38I don't care if he is Mr. Notorious Big.
00:18:42Can he croon?
00:18:45Papa.
00:18:46I like it when you call me Big Papa.
00:18:52Throw your hands in the air if you think you're a player.
00:18:57Papa.
00:18:59I love it when you call me Big Papa.
00:19:03Papa, to the honeys getting money, play niggers just like dummies.
00:19:12Papa.
00:19:14You get the idea.
00:19:18We call it the Coconut Bangers Ball.
00:19:21It's a wrap.
00:19:22It's Snoopy, Dre, Biggie, Puffman, Coolioleo, the whole bunch.
00:19:30Who let the dogs out?
00:19:32Who let those dogs out?
00:19:34Who let those little mutts go?
00:19:36Yeah.
00:19:38Too late.
00:19:40Well, I've got a gig to make.
00:19:42But do yourself a big favor.
00:19:45All right?
00:19:45And go out.
00:19:46Hold on.
00:19:47Looky here.
00:19:48It's a bighorn.
00:19:49Well.
00:19:51That's why I come up here.
00:19:54Look at you.
00:19:56You're hungry.
00:20:01You don't even blink, do you?
00:20:06Quick staring contest.
00:20:08Me and you.
00:20:08Now.
00:20:17You win.
00:20:18You always do.
00:20:23That's why I come up here.
00:20:25Nature, Goulet.
00:20:27Anyway, check out the CD.
00:20:29You'll just love it.
00:20:30Nor my name isn't, Robert Goulet.
00:20:36Coconut Bangers Ball.
00:20:37It's a wrap.
00:20:38In stores now.
00:20:41This quarter, we're going to focus on earnings.
00:20:44Hey, sorry I'm late, gang.
00:20:45Traffic on the Jensen overchange is just nuts.
00:20:51So, I apologize.
00:20:53I apologize.
00:20:54Why don't you guys continue the meeting?
00:20:57And, uh, I'm just going to grab a little coffee.
00:21:02And we'll, uh, again, I'm out of bed.
00:21:04How are you, Robert?
00:21:05Good to see you.
00:21:06Good to see you.
00:21:07Good to see you.
00:21:08Good to see you.
00:21:08Good to see you.
00:21:10Good to see you.
00:21:12Good to see you.
00:21:13Good to see you.
00:21:13Good to see you.
00:21:14Good to see you.
00:21:21Okay, you guys.
00:21:28Hold on.
00:21:39Hello.
00:21:41Yes?
00:21:42Really?
00:21:43Splendid.
00:21:48We're going to the Dolce & Gabbana show.
00:21:51How fast can you have your bags packed for Mirage?
00:21:55Wow, he's a big fella.
00:21:56I can see his head.
00:21:57Here he comes.
00:21:59Here he comes.
00:22:01Oh, my God.
00:22:02What?
00:22:03What?
00:22:03What is it?
00:22:04What?
00:22:05Oh, man.
00:22:09Oh, man.
00:22:11Oh, it was hot in there.
00:22:25Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy.
00:22:28Before we begin the Double Jeopardy round,
00:22:31I'd like to ask our contestants once again,
00:22:34please refrain from using ethnic slurs.
00:22:39That said, let's take a look at the scores.
00:22:43Sean Connery has set a new Jeopardy record
00:22:46with negative $230,000.
00:22:51You think you're pretty smart, don't you, Trebek?
00:22:54What with your Daigo mustache on your greasy hair?
00:22:57Look, what did I just say about ethnic slurs?
00:23:02From third Rock from the Sun,
00:23:05French Stewart in second place
00:23:07with negative $17,000.
00:23:10I'm a late bloomer, Alex,
00:23:12and in Double Jeopardy, I'm gonna bloom.
00:23:15Sure you will.
00:23:16And finally, back again,
00:23:19Burt Reynolds in a commanding lead
00:23:20with $14.
00:23:22Hey.
00:23:23Hey, uh, check out the podium.
00:23:25Look at this.
00:23:25Mr. Reynolds has apparently changed his name
00:23:28to Turd Ferguson.
00:23:32That's right.
00:23:33Turd Ferguson.
00:23:33It's a funny name.
00:23:36Great.
00:23:37Let's take a look at the final board.
00:23:39And the categories are
00:23:41Potent Potables,
00:23:43Sharp Things,
00:23:45Movies That Start With The Word Jaws,
00:23:49A Petit Déjeuner.
00:23:52That category is about French phrases,
00:23:54so let's just skip it.
00:23:56Hey, uh,
00:23:57I speak a little French.
00:23:58You're an ass bite.
00:23:59Pardon my French.
00:24:02My name's French.
00:24:03Yeah, well, who gives a damn?
00:24:05Moving on.
00:24:07Animal sounds,
00:24:09condiments,
00:24:10and finally,
00:24:11your ass or a hole in the ground.
00:24:15Mr. Reynolds,
00:24:16unfortunately, you're in the lead,
00:24:18so we'll start with you.
00:24:19Yeah, I'll take the condom thing
00:24:21for $8,000.
00:24:23That's condiments
00:24:26for $400.
00:24:29This condiment
00:24:30is made from mustard seeds.
00:24:34French Stewart.
00:24:35The answer, of course, is onions.
00:24:37I'll take condiments for $800.
00:24:39That's not the right answer.
00:24:43Burt Reynolds.
00:24:44That's not my name.
00:24:50Okay.
00:24:52Turd Ferguson.
00:24:56Yeah, what do you want?
00:24:59You buzzed in.
00:25:01No, I didn't.
00:25:02Yes, you did.
00:25:03Yeah, well, that's your opinion.
00:25:06I hate my job.
00:25:08The answer was mustard.
00:25:12Mustard is made from mustard seeds.
00:25:16Mr. Reynolds,
00:25:17it's still your board.
00:25:18Yeah, well,
00:25:19why don't you give me, uh,
00:25:21why don't you give me
00:25:21ape tit for $200?
00:25:23It's not ape tit.
00:25:34It's a petite never mind.
00:25:36Let's just go to animal sounds
00:25:38for $600.
00:25:40This is the sound
00:25:41a doggy makes.
00:25:43Mr. Connery.
00:25:45Moo.
00:25:47No.
00:25:48Well, that's the sound
00:25:49your mother made last night.
00:25:56Okay, that's not necessary.
00:26:00Burt Reynolds.
00:26:01Who is, uh,
00:26:03Scooby-Doo?
00:26:05No.
00:26:06Yeah, that was a funny dog,
00:26:07Scooby-Doo.
00:26:08He drove around a van
00:26:08and, uh,
00:26:09solved mysteries.
00:26:11That is incorrect.
00:26:13No, that's correct.
00:26:16I remember,
00:26:17he had a pal,
00:26:17Scrappy-Doo.
00:26:18No.
00:26:20French Stewart,
00:26:21the sound
00:26:22a dog makes.
00:26:23Um,
00:26:25who is John Cafferty
00:26:26and the Beaver Brown Band?
00:26:27Thank you very much.
00:26:28I'll take animal sounds
00:26:29for $800.
00:26:32No.
00:26:33Good Lord.
00:26:35We would have accepted
00:26:36Bow Wow
00:26:37or Rough.
00:26:38Oh, Rough.
00:26:39Just the way
00:26:40your mother likes it,
00:26:41Trebek.
00:26:45Come on,
00:26:45that is way out of line.
00:26:47Mr. Reynolds,
00:26:48what are you doing?
00:26:51Yeah, I found this backstage,
00:26:53an oversized hat.
00:26:54Funny.
00:26:54No, it's not.
00:26:56Sure it is.
00:26:57It's funny.
00:26:57It's funny because it's,
00:26:58uh, bigger than a,
00:26:58you know,
00:26:59normal hat.
00:27:00I see that.
00:27:00Get back to your podium.
00:27:01Ha!
00:27:02Take a look at that.
00:27:03Yeah, I see it.
00:27:04Go back to your podium.
00:27:05It's not funny.
00:27:09What's going on?
00:27:11Okay, let's just move on
00:27:12to final Jeopardy.
00:27:14And the category is,
00:27:16you know what,
00:27:17I tell you what,
00:27:18just write a number.
00:27:19Any number,
00:27:21any number,
00:27:22and you win.
00:27:24We'll accept
00:27:25any number,
00:27:27any number at all,
00:27:29a one,
00:27:30or a two,
00:27:31or a three,
00:27:33or how about a four?
00:27:35It's that simple.
00:27:37I know you can do this.
00:27:40Let's start with
00:27:41French Stewart,
00:27:42who's grinning like an idiot.
00:27:44You look pretty sure of yourself.
00:27:46Think you've got the right answer.
00:27:48Yes, I'm pretty sure of it, Alex.
00:27:50Well, all you had to do
00:27:51was write down a number,
00:27:52and you wrote
00:27:54three.
00:27:56A combination of three and five.
00:28:00Simply stunning.
00:28:02And you wagered
00:28:04Texas with a dollar sign
00:28:06in front of it.
00:28:08I'm speechless.
00:28:09No, I did not get the answer
00:28:11from anyone else.
00:28:12It all came from
00:28:12Mr. Stewart's noggin up here.
00:28:14That's beautiful.
00:28:15Mr. Reynolds.
00:28:16Yeah, don't bother.
00:28:17I didn't write anything.
00:28:18Good work.
00:28:19All right.
00:28:20Finally, Mr. Connery,
00:28:22the category was numbers,
00:28:23and you wrote
00:28:25a letter V.
00:28:26Well, I tell you what,
00:28:27my friend,
00:28:29V is a Roman numeral,
00:28:30so despite your best efforts,
00:28:32you answered correctly.
00:28:34Let's see what you wagered.
00:28:36Sucket Trebek.
00:28:44That's all the time we have.
00:28:47Good night.
00:28:49Would you get that off me?
00:29:19On the 13th of January, 1931, right here in New York City, magic happened.
00:29:31An artist was born that would rival Leonardo da Vinci or Michelangelo.
00:29:38But his tools would not be pen, no brush, no chisel, no palette.
00:29:43His tools would be his comically oversized glasses and his soul.
00:29:49So please, welcome the greatest performer ever to have graced this earth, Charles Nelson
00:29:57Riley.
00:30:03Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
00:30:25If you ever want to see acting at its finest, acting that will make you re-examine your
00:30:31life, acting that will make you see the world for the first time, watch the 1969 television
00:30:41series, Love, American Style.
00:30:46Ha! Ha! Ha!
00:30:47Specifically, the episode entitled Love and the Laughing Lovers.
00:30:51It is a delight.
00:30:53Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
00:30:58Ha! Ha! Ha!
00:30:58Tell us about it.
00:30:59Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
00:31:03Ha! You know, it was fantastic.
00:31:05It was a summer full of fashion, fun, and frivolity.
00:31:09I learned a lot.
00:31:10One time, Gary Newworth, the director, said to me, Charles, why don't you grab your glasses
00:31:15between your thumb and forefinger and pretend you're twisting them?
00:31:17Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
00:31:24Nor indeed was the world, nor history, nor anything that the human eye has ever captured.
00:31:35When one thinks of C&R, one's mind goes right to match game.
00:31:41That show was delightful.
00:31:43Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
00:31:46No. No. It was brilliant.
00:31:49No, no, no, no. There is no word to describe its perfection.
00:31:53So, I'm forced to make one up, and I'm going to do so right now, scrumtrelescent.
00:32:06Oh, my. That's a good word.
00:32:08Yes, it is. Match game was absolutely scrumtrelescent.
00:32:14You know, once we were taping Match Game 75, Nipsey, Russell, Brett Summers, and I,
00:32:19we were hanging out at Gene Raven's house, and Nipsey said,
00:32:24Charles, where does the joy come from?
00:32:27And I said, it comes from my blank, and it blanks from my blank.
00:32:30Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
00:32:34And Betty White laughed so hard her boob fell out.
00:32:37Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
00:32:44You are a modern master.
00:32:46Already a huge success on Broadway, you easily crossed over into film.
00:32:51In 1984, you portrayed Don Don Canaloni in Cannonball Run 2.
00:32:59The performance so scrumtrelescent, I can barely move.
00:33:13Then in 1985, you played the hardest role of your life. Yourself.
00:33:19In Joan Rivers and Friends Salute Heidi Abramowitz.
00:33:24My Joanie.
00:33:26Yes.
00:33:27What was it like to play Charles Nelson Reilly?
00:33:29Uh, sad, fun, tragic, happy, glorious, sticky, horrible, neat, and a little gassy.
00:33:38You are a blinding, brilliant light from heaven.
00:33:43Now, there's one important role we have yet to discuss.
00:33:46And that is the voice of King Lort.
00:33:48In the 1993 animated feature, A Troll in Central Park.
00:33:54If you haven't seen A Troll in Central Park, you must.
00:33:57It is like looking into the face of God and seeing him smiling back saying,
00:34:02You are my most wondrous creation.
00:34:08May I speak with King Lort?
00:34:10Oh!
00:34:11Is King Lort there?
00:34:12Oh, of course.
00:34:16Well, hello, James Lipton.
00:34:19I'm King Lort.
00:34:21There's a Troll in Central Park.
00:34:23I'm King Lort.
00:34:27I am born anew in your genius.
00:34:33We will conclude our evening.
00:34:35As we conclude each of our evenings.
00:34:37With the questionnaire invented by the great Bernard Pivot.
00:34:40Of the apostrophe Papillon.
00:34:49What is your favourite word?
00:34:59What is your least favourite word?
00:35:05Well played.
00:35:08And finally, if heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive?
00:35:16Hmm.
00:35:20Charles, Nelson Reilly, I am not alone in thinking that you make Gandhi look like a child pornographer.
00:35:30For Inside the Actors Studio, I'm James Lipton.
00:35:45She's staring over a bowl of dreams.
00:35:50Oh, God.
00:35:52No.
00:35:54Why are you at work?
00:35:56Oh, hey, honey.
00:35:57Come here, sit down.
00:35:58I want to play you this song.
00:35:59Why aren't you at work?
00:36:01I got fired.
00:36:02What?
00:36:03I don't need that stupid job.
00:36:05This one's the one.
00:36:06You are pathetic, Milo.
00:36:09You're a talentless loser.
00:36:10And I'm not supporting you anymore.
00:36:13Send me a note when you win a Grammy, jerk.
00:36:17Fine.
00:36:18Fine.
00:36:19Leave.
00:36:19You see.
00:36:20I'm gonna be big.
00:36:21You see.
00:36:22I'm gonna be a big loser.
00:36:25Oh, man.
00:36:27I'm never gonna go anywhere without a hit song.
00:36:28Dude, I would sell my soul for a hit song right now.
00:36:38I am Lucifer, and I have heard your request, and it shall be granted.
00:36:48Do you, Milo Jenkins, truly wish to render your soul unto me in exchange for the success you crave?
00:36:57Yes, sir, I do.
00:36:57I mean, if I could have a one-hit song, I know it'd solve everything for me.
00:37:01It shall be done.
00:37:10Now then, forsaken soul, open thine ears and slake thy thirst on the music that can force kings to their
00:37:20knees and oceans to boil.
00:37:22Behold the song that'll take you to the top of the charts.
00:37:27All right.
00:37:31There's a guy named Fred, and he's got a pair of slacks.
00:37:35Ooh, Fred's got slacks.
00:37:38Really quite sharp, but they're a little tight in the waist.
00:37:41Ooh, Fred's got slacks on the boulevard.
00:37:47Hold on a second.
00:37:48I think it's out of tune.
00:37:51Man, I mean, I don't want to miff you, but that sucked.
00:37:54I said the guitar was out of tune.
00:37:57Sorry.
00:37:58It wasn't my fault.
00:37:59Okay, okay.
00:38:00Fred's slacks is a winner.
00:38:02But fine.
00:38:03Here we go.
00:38:04I'll give you another one.
00:38:05Okay.
00:38:06Behold, a fiendish masterpiece from the bowels of hell.
00:38:11Yeah.
00:38:13Mondays, boy, I hate Mondays.
00:38:16They make me so steamed.
00:38:19Weekends!
00:38:20I'm up for the weekends!
00:38:22Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
00:38:23Son of a bitch!
00:38:26Is it human in here?
00:38:28Because the guitar keeps getting out of tune.
00:38:30Man, what kind of guitar is that, man?
00:38:32It's a hell-spun mixture of the bones of fornicators
00:38:36and the sinew of thieves and gluttons.
00:38:44It's a, it's a fender.
00:38:48Well, hey, man, maybe, you know, look,
00:38:49maybe we should just, like, call this deal off,
00:38:51because it seems to me that, um, you're just not that good.
00:38:55Oh, really?
00:38:58Then where did this tasty lick come from?
00:39:07Uh-huh.
00:39:08Uh-huh.
00:39:09And on top of it, add this.
00:39:13Zonkers, boinkers, I just got bit by the love band.
00:39:18And it's driving me mad!
00:39:23What the hell was that?
00:39:26Okay.
00:39:27Just hold on.
00:39:29I'm just gonna jump into one without thinking.
00:39:31No thinking.
00:39:31I'm just gonna let it flow.
00:39:32Let it flow now.
00:39:37Fast car!
00:39:38On the highway!
00:39:39On the byway!
00:39:41Mr. Robotron!
00:39:43Okay, that's not a good one.
00:39:45Uh, I gotta move on.
00:39:47You mind if I sit down?
00:39:48No, no, please.
00:39:48Help yourself.
00:39:49Okay.
00:39:50Can't be so critical.
00:39:51Just, just get out of my head and go.
00:39:52Just go.
00:39:56Hey, you.
00:39:57You're a nice guy.
00:39:59Put your shoes on.
00:40:00Hey, you.
00:40:01You.
00:40:03Okay, hang on.
00:40:04That's a Smash Mouth song with just different lyrics.
00:40:07No, it's not.
00:40:08It's, hey, you, you.
00:40:10Oh, what the frick?
00:40:11Cut me a break!
00:40:12This is hard!
00:40:13Oh, well, hey, man, listen.
00:40:15Uh, say thanks anyway, but if it's okay with you, I'll just keep on plugging.
00:40:17And, uh, truthfully, you kind of, kind of made me feel a little better about myself.
00:40:20You know what's hard is the F chord.
00:40:22It hurts my fingers.
00:40:23Yeah, that's, that's a tough one, Mr. Devil.
00:40:25Uh, tell you what, tell you what else is tough.
00:40:27Staying up this late.
00:40:28I'm sure you gotta go, so, uh.
00:40:29Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:40:30I think I got it.
00:40:31I think I got it.
00:40:32Here I go.
00:40:32Okay.
00:40:33Here I go.
00:40:39I'm the devil!
00:40:40And I'm here to say, I'm the most evil rapper in the U.S.A.
00:40:44All my homies and my bitches say, oh, bye.
00:40:54All right, I'm leaving.
00:40:55I'm, I've embarrassed myself.
00:40:56No.
00:40:57I'm sorry about this.
00:40:58That's okay.
00:40:59These things happen, you know?
00:41:00I'm, I'm kind of tired.
00:41:01Is it cool if I leave through the front door?
00:41:03Yeah, just, uh, make sure you jiggle the handle and make sure it locks behind you.
00:41:06All right.
00:41:06Okay.
00:41:07Take her easy.
00:41:08Yeah, you too.
00:41:09Take her easy.
00:41:11She's my lady and that's what I say.
00:41:14Hey, that was kind of...
00:41:15No.
00:41:17No.
00:41:17No.
00:41:18No.
00:41:18Sorry.
00:41:19All right.
00:41:20All right.
00:41:22Wow.
00:41:23Man, the devil can't write no love songs.
00:41:27Hey.
00:41:29Oh, the devil never could write no love songs.
00:41:35Didn't seem to matter how are he trying out.
00:41:42Cause the devil never got his heart broke.
00:41:48Oh, the devil never cried.
00:41:54Oh, the devil never cried.
00:41:56Oh, the devil never cried.
00:41:57Oh, the devil never cried.
00:41:57So what's my secret?
00:41:58I don't know.
00:41:59Most of the good genes, I guess.
00:42:02And plenty of sleep.
00:42:0314 hours a night.
00:42:06Every night, no ifs, ands, or buts.
00:42:10Also, keeping a moderate work schedule
00:42:12And taking frequent catnaps
00:42:16Plus, when it comes to my official duties
00:42:19I make sure I pace myself
00:42:21But whatever the reason
00:42:22The bottom line is
00:42:24Americans don't need to worry
00:42:26I'm in excellent health
00:42:27Other people may drop like flies in this administration
00:42:31But I'm going to be around for a long time
00:42:33On the job, making the tough decisions
00:42:3624-7
00:42:38That's 24 hours a week
00:42:47Seven months a year
00:42:50Janet Reno, prepare to eat it
00:42:52Giuliani style
00:43:05You box dirty
00:43:07Then how come my conscience is so clean?
00:43:12Saddam, are you still there?
00:43:14Who is that?
00:43:15One of your Jewish friends?
00:43:16No
00:43:16Well, yes
00:43:18Hey, Saddam
00:43:22Monica, you never call me anymore
00:43:27Monica, oh, thanks for the beret
00:43:29I love it
00:43:30I love it
00:43:34From the outermost leeches of the universe
00:43:37To the innermost planets of our solar system
00:43:40This is Space, the Infinite Frontier
00:43:44With your host, Chicago Cubs broadcaster, Harry Carey
00:43:55Hi everybody, Harry Carey here
00:43:58And welcome to Space, the Infinite Frontier
00:44:01We've got a great show lined up for you
00:44:04Joining us in the studio today
00:44:06All the way from Caltech
00:44:08Is astrophysicist, Dr. Ken Waller
00:44:11Welcome to the show, Ken
00:44:13Thanks so much
00:44:14It's nice being here
00:44:15Now, doctor, recently they've discovered
00:44:19That there might be life
00:44:20On one of the moons of Jupiter
00:44:22Now that's gotta be exciting for you
00:44:25Oh, yeah, Harry
00:44:26We're thrilled to discover
00:44:28That life can theoretically exist
00:44:29Below the surface of planets
00:44:31Due to the heat caused by volcanic activity
00:44:34That's something else
00:44:35Yeah
00:44:36Hey!
00:44:37Let me ask, what's your favorite planet?
00:44:41Well, I don't have a favorite
00:44:43I find them all fascinating
00:44:46They're all part of a
00:44:47Mine's the sun
00:44:51Always has been
00:44:53I like it because it's like the king of planets
00:44:57Well, actually, Harry, it's not a planet
00:44:59It's a star
00:45:00Well, planet or star
00:45:02When that thing burns out
00:45:03We're all gonna be dead
00:45:05Well, that's true
00:45:06But it's not gonna burn out
00:45:07For a very long time, of course
00:45:08I hope not
00:45:10Hey, doctor
00:45:11Have you ever seen an eclipse?
00:45:15Oh, yeah, I've seen many, yes
00:45:17You know, if you stare at it head on
00:45:19It'll burn your eyes out
00:45:22Well, it's not best to stare at it
00:45:24The sun during an eclipse, you know
00:45:25But it's hard not to
00:45:26I once took a pair of binoculars
00:45:28And stared at the sun for over an hour
00:45:33Why would you do that?
00:45:34Curiosity, I guess
00:45:36Heck, I'm curious like a cat
00:45:39I have a couple of friends that call me whiskers
00:45:44Because you're curious like a cat?
00:45:46Yes
00:45:51Hey, now, kid
00:45:52We all know that the moon is not made of green cheese
00:45:57Yes, that's true, Harry
00:45:58But
00:45:59But what if it were made of barbecue spare ribs?
00:46:02Would you eat it then?
00:46:04What?
00:46:05I know I would
00:46:06Heck, I'd have seconds
00:46:07And then
00:46:08Then polish it off with a tall, cool Budweiser
00:46:17I would do it
00:46:18Yeah
00:46:19Yeah
00:46:19Would you?
00:46:24I'm confused
00:46:25It's a simple question, doctor
00:46:27Would you eat the moon if it were made of ribs?
00:46:32Well, I don't
00:46:33I don't know how to answer that
00:46:34It's not rocket science
00:46:36Just say yes and we'll move on
00:46:39Yes
00:46:43Hey
00:46:45How about this mad cow disease?
00:46:50What about it?
00:46:51Well, it was here for a while
00:46:52Then it went away
00:46:53Your thoughts?
00:46:57Yes, yes
00:46:58It was what was in the news for a while
00:47:00And then it disappeared from the news
00:47:01Good point
00:47:03Jeez
00:47:03I hope I never get it
00:47:15Hey
00:47:15What about this?
00:47:17If you had a choice
00:47:18Between being the top scientist in your field
00:47:21Or getting mad cow disease
00:47:23What would it be?
00:47:25Well, of course
00:47:26I would choose to be the top scientist in my field
00:47:29Oh, good
00:47:29I was worried you'd choose mad cow
00:47:34Why would you think that?
00:47:35I guess I'm just a worrier
00:47:37That's
00:47:39That's why my friends call me Whiskers
00:47:46I thought you said your friends called you Whiskers
00:47:48Because you were curious as a cat
00:47:53Well, Dr. Waller
00:47:55It has been a pleasure
00:47:57We've covered a lot of ground
00:47:59Shared a few laughs
00:48:00Thanks for coming on
00:48:02My pleasure, my pleasure
00:48:04He's a good kid
00:48:05That's all the time we have
00:48:07Join us next week with our guest
00:48:09Albert Einstein
00:48:13What?
00:48:15Well, apparently Albert Einstein died 42 years ago
00:48:20You know what?
00:48:21We'll try and get him anyway
00:48:22See you next time
00:48:23Cups win
00:48:24Cups win
00:48:36Excuse me
00:48:37Excuse me
00:48:39What?
00:48:40What?
00:48:41Yes
00:48:41We were wondering
00:48:43Is this your first time at the Welshley Arms Hotel?
00:48:49Uh, yeah
00:48:51And are you here without a lover?
00:48:56Well, I am by myself
00:48:58I'm just staying here on business
00:49:00We frequent the Welshley Arms
00:49:03Yes
00:49:04We find it a perfect, quick lover's getaway
00:49:08Yes
00:49:09Oh, forgive me
00:49:11We are Professors Roger and Virginia Clausen
00:49:16And your name?
00:49:18Uh, Dave
00:49:19Ah
00:49:22Dave, may I share something with you?
00:49:25I guess
00:49:26I'm really just trying to
00:49:27I find when one first enters the scalding waters of the hot tub
00:49:34It is not unlike your first encounter with a new lover
00:49:38Mmm
00:49:38I remember the first time Roger and I made love
00:49:42Yes
00:49:43Yes
00:49:43We had pulled over after a long Sunday drive
00:49:47Roger led me to a clearing
00:49:49Laid me down upon a bed of fresh meadow grasses
00:49:53He then rubbed my nubile body with fruit liniments and noxzema
00:50:01Then he artfully covered my back with melted butter and cloves
00:50:05And until the flies and ants came
00:50:11Methinks it was the finest love-making in the world had ever known
00:50:15Are you listening, Dave?
00:50:19Yeah, I'm just tired, that's all
00:50:21Ah
00:50:22Ah
00:50:24Is that the Professors Virginia and Roger Clavin?
00:50:28Oh!
00:50:29What a surprise!
00:50:30What a surprise!
00:50:31It's our dear friend, Barbara Hernandez
00:50:34Yes
00:50:35Hmm
00:50:36Barbara, what brings you to the prestigious well-gillet arms?
00:50:41The usual, quiet strolls, family-style dining, archery
00:50:46Well, please join us in the hot tub
00:50:50Thank you, Roger
00:50:51Yes, it's very refreshing
00:50:53It simply is divine
00:50:55Barbara, dare I ask, are you no longer with your lover Mitchell?
00:51:01Well, as you know, Mitchell was the most skillful and creative lover
00:51:06Ah, yes
00:51:07However, his love for me was exceeded by his love for sweet wine and dog racing
00:51:14So now I can turn my attention fully to my first love, archery
00:51:19Oh
00:51:20Dave
00:51:20Dave
00:51:22Dave
00:51:25Dave
00:51:26David
00:51:26Yeah
00:51:28David
00:51:29Right
00:51:30Our dear friend, Barbara Hernandez
00:51:35Is the top female archer in the Northeast Division
00:51:39That's unbelievable
00:51:41Um
00:51:44Does anyone care for spiced lamb shaves?
00:51:47Oh
00:51:47What is, what is that?
00:51:48Well, at this point during the soak, my lover and I usually crave spiced meat
00:51:53Mmm
00:51:54Mmm
00:51:56Mmm
00:51:58We always
00:52:04we always order them up special from the welsh
00:52:07kitchen and keep them here in this igloo cooler the welsh the arms is renowned for its shakes
00:52:16yeah wonderful shakes i'm good i'm good
00:52:19all right you're missing out on some good shakes
00:52:24we should mention that although the waters above appear calm
00:52:29below the surface there is a frenzy of activity
00:52:41hands groping fingers fluttering thighs twitching in the anticipation of love making that will take
00:52:50place in this hot tub in less than 12 minutes i'm getting i'm getting kind of pruny i'm out
00:52:59wait wait wait wait um um barbara you are son's lover dave you a weary business traveler
00:53:06perhaps cupid's aim is as sharp as that of barbara hannah dance
00:53:12perhaps i i i don't know i think i just
00:53:16david don't be alarmed by the professors club and i remember myself when i foot first met
00:53:22raj and verge at the uh university we had taken a camping trip to the grand canyon
00:53:27yes after a supper of jackrabbit haunches we laid out beneath the stars somewhere in the distance
00:53:35once we heard the pounding of native drums
00:53:47was it was it in our mind we don't know
00:54:02that night the great eagle spirit himself appeared at our tent and beckoned us to make love
00:54:09we submitted to his ravenous desires as the three of us became one with the great eagle spirit
00:54:19turns out the great eagle spirit
00:54:23great eagle spirit was actually a fugitive trucker by the name of rich crenshaw
00:54:32maybe i'm just uh road weary but uh that's a pretty beautiful story
00:54:40lover would you care to see my bed adorned with hibiscus petals
00:54:44and my photo of me
00:54:48and gina davis gina davis that sounds nice
00:55:04nothing pleases me more than seeing two new lovers take off for the night miss
00:55:10yes lover i think there's only one reward for the job we've done
00:55:15let the screams of our love making reverberate off the roof of the welshly arms
00:55:21oh lover and into the night sky
00:55:23oh lover
00:55:25ow ow my back
00:55:27what
00:55:28my my back
00:55:30is it your back what i thought the water might help
00:55:33well it doesn't help get the hell off me
00:56:00i don't know you're not there i'll give you my love but you don't care so what is right what
00:56:11is wrong
00:56:14nice
00:56:18it
00:56:20no more
00:56:22now
00:56:22switch
00:56:28move me
00:56:32No more
00:56:34no more
00:56:35hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey no no ник
00:56:42Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah!
00:56:56Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
00:57:01You can't doubt it, doubt it, doubt it, doubt it!
00:57:03I don't know what I can do.
00:57:07What else can I say was all to you?
00:57:10I know what I want, it's me and you, I can't go on
00:57:16What a love, but we don't want you
00:57:20I know what I want, but we don't want you
00:57:30I know what I want, but we don't want you
00:57:48What a love, but we don't want you
00:57:58What a love, but we don't want you
00:58:02What a love, I'm in the back
00:58:04What a love, baby, don't hurt me
00:58:06Nothing. Later.
00:58:08Don't hurt me no more.
00:58:45What is wrong with the CD?
00:58:51What the hell is going on?
00:58:54Just...
00:58:57What is wrong with the CD?
00:59:14I don't know you're not there I'll give you my love if you don't care
00:59:22What is wrong with the CD?
00:59:25What is wrong with the CD?
00:59:34I had the most spectacular meal at a great little restaurant on the Upper West Side called
00:59:39La Abondanza.
00:59:41I love that place.
00:59:42Which of course in Italian means...
00:59:44Affection.
00:59:46No, actually it's abundance.
00:59:47Abundance.
00:59:48Abundance.
00:59:49Yeah.
00:59:50And Cass there was so much food that at one point Gail looked at me like you expect me
00:59:56to finish all of this?
00:59:57Oh no.
00:59:58What did Gail say?
00:59:58What did Gail say?
00:59:59I just told you what she said.
01:00:03This is indeed a very special night.
01:00:07For the first time we will conduct a seance in an attempt to contact the dead mother of
01:00:13Mr. Rocky Balboe.
01:00:20Sometimes I think that our love is dead because you like men, Mr. David Larry.
01:00:26Maybe I do and maybe I do.
01:00:35Alright class.
01:00:37Now tonight we are going to work with the most demanding subject there is for sculptors.
01:00:41The human body.
01:00:43Unfortunately the model I usually use couldn't make it but we do have a last minute replacement.
01:00:47His name is Terence Maddox.
01:00:49Terence you can come in now.
01:00:55Whenever you're ready Mr. Maddox.
01:01:01You look like a refugee.
01:01:03Alright.
01:01:06Let's start the bidding at $100 shall we?
01:01:10100, 100, 100, ooh a thousand.
01:01:14Going once, going twice.
01:01:17Sold to the gentleman in the front row for $1,000,000,000.
01:01:23Oh.
01:01:25Just have a seat Mr. Maddox.
01:01:27I think I've made my point.
01:01:31No.
01:01:35Mr. Maddox, we've been studying Roman and Greek sculpture so we are hoping to get you into a classical pose.
01:01:41Hey lady it's your money you guys can do whatever you want.
01:01:44Just strike a pose Mr. Maddox.
01:01:47Alright well I got two poses to choose from.
01:01:50The thinker or the stinker.
01:01:58Please.
01:01:59Mr. Maddox these students are going to be tested on this.
01:02:02Well that's cool.
01:02:04I just took a test this morning.
01:02:06Wonderful.
01:02:07Yeah at the free clinic for hepatitis.
01:02:11I kicked ass too.
01:02:12I got an A, two B's and a C.
01:02:16Oh my God.
01:02:18But don't tell the sixth street blood bank.
01:02:21What?
01:02:23Hey how's this for a short story?
01:02:25A guy can't sell his blood cause he's got hepatitis.
01:02:29But he can't afford hepatitis medicine unless he sells his blood.
01:02:34So he poses nude in art classes.
01:02:38Plus one time he did it with the dead guy.
01:02:41Alright alright whatever.
01:02:43Let's just get through this.
01:02:45Now class I want you to study Mr. Maddox as unpleasant as that may seem.
01:02:49Take him in.
01:02:51Search his body with your eyes.
01:02:54Oh my God that is disgusting.
01:02:57Oh look at that.
01:02:57Look at that.
01:02:58Oh.
01:02:59Oh my gosh.
01:03:01Uh oh.
01:03:02Mighty Kong has woken from his slumber.
01:03:07Well class it looks like it's time for a pop quiz.
01:03:11But don't worry because apparently I'm grading on a curve.
01:03:17I can't take this.
01:03:20Well if life hands you lemons you may as well make lemonade.
01:03:24And I've been wanting to make lemonade all day.
01:03:28Alright that's it.
01:03:29Oh my God.
01:03:30This is too disgusting.
01:03:31Mr. Maddox I want you to get your things and get out of here.
01:03:44Mr. Maddox please stop.
01:03:46Calm down I had to do something.
01:03:47I'm sorry but you'll have to go.
01:03:50I know what I'm not wanted.
01:03:53But before I go.
01:03:55I got something to say to you people.
01:03:59You talk about ancient beauty and classical forms.
01:04:03But if you ask me you wouldn't recognize real beauty if it was outside in the parking lot waiting to
01:04:08give you hepatitis.
01:04:10Which it will be.
01:04:12Ten minutes from now.
01:04:14Good day to you.
01:04:17Good day to you.
01:04:22Good day to you.
01:04:36Good day to you.
01:04:43I'd like you to tell me how many people do you know story.
01:04:56Good day to you.
01:04:56Good day to you.
01:04:58Good time to you.
01:05:02Good day to you.
01:05:02Good day to you.
01:05:08That's what they call me at.
01:05:10Good day to you when you look at my schedule is at an app.
01:05:13Did you have band practice today, or is Mr. Larson still sick?
01:05:18No, he's still sick.
01:05:31I had a funny thing happen today at work.
01:05:35When I left the office, I had trouble unlocking my car.
01:05:39Then I realized I had the wrong set of keys.
01:05:42Did somebody take your keys?
01:05:43Can I finish the story?
01:05:54Turns out that I had accidentally taken Jeff Peabody's keys, and he had taken mine.
01:06:01We really had a long laugh.
01:06:03I thought that's who took them.
01:06:04Will you ever let me finish a damn story?
01:06:08I just assume that Jeff Peabody...
01:06:09I would love to finish one damn story.
01:06:12Your stories are lame, Dad.
01:06:13You don't talk to me like that.
01:06:14Now, shut up!
01:06:15You don't talk to me like that!
01:06:17I do not believe that you are my eyes!
01:06:17I am a division manager!
01:06:19That is very important.
01:06:20Do not raise your voice!
01:06:21Very important!
01:06:22At me or at parents!
01:06:23Talk to me like that!
01:06:24You don't hear me, Dad!
01:06:24People are scared of me!
01:06:26Why would anyone be scared of you?
01:06:27I hate you, you big fat turd!
01:06:47I spoke with Paula's mother this afternoon.
01:06:51So?
01:06:52I guess Paula's really excited about the sleepover tomorrow night.
01:06:55Oh, shut up, you drunken witch!
01:07:21Did you pick up my dry cleaning?
01:07:23Mm, it's not ready until Thursday.
01:07:26I thought you said it would be ready today.
01:07:28No, it's going to be ready Thursday.
01:07:32Well, you know I have that meeting tomorrow.
01:07:34Well, I'm sorry.
01:07:36I wish you weren't a liar.
01:07:40I didn't lie, Ted.
01:07:42I just wish you weren't a liar.
01:07:44I wish you wouldn't call me a liar.
01:07:46Don't raise your voice at me!
01:07:47I am not raising my voice!
01:07:48You do not talk to me like that!
01:07:50I hate you!
01:07:51You don't talk to me like that!
01:07:52I work too hard to deal with this stuff!
01:07:55I work too hard!
01:07:57I am a division manager in charge of 29 people!
01:08:00Shut up, bitch!
01:08:00I drive, I drive, I drive a Dodge Stratus!
01:08:26Honey, do you want to go to pottery class with me this weekend?
01:08:29I wish you were dead.
01:08:42i'm gonna take the car into the shop tomorrow you mean your lame dodge stratus you don't talk
01:08:47about my car that way i drive a dodge stratus you don't talk about my dodge stratus that way
01:08:59100 push-ups in 20 minutes i'm going to rob's house i hate you both
01:09:38this chicken is delicious it's a recipe from lipton cuppa soup
01:09:48the 11-day standoff between china and the united states is over but the long-term
01:09:53effects on sino-american relations remain to be seen joining us now with his insights is the
01:09:59state department attache for the u.s ambassador to china jacob silge
01:10:08thank you tina our relations with china have long been shaped by a tug of war between economic
01:10:15interest and political ideology holy god yes i'll get to religion tina but first taiwan
01:10:23a japanese colony until 1945 your voice my voice you're shouting how dare you i have a
01:10:34related voice related medical condition oh i'm very sorry i suffer from voice immodulation tina
01:10:41i'm unable to control the pitch or volume of my voice also known as van orton syndrome
01:10:48vi is a recognized psycho medical condition that you may have read about in newsweek or cracked
01:10:55magazine numerous prominent americans suffer from this debilitating disease tina including the guy who
01:11:03played raj on what's happening and tennis great pete sampras jacob i've heard pete sampras speak and he
01:11:11doesn't shout all the time pete sampras has low-grade voice immodulation he is a poster child for voice
01:11:18immodulation awareness and proof that even the voice immodulated can contribute to a society filled with
01:11:24prejudice people like you tina jacob that's not fair fair i'll tell you what's not fair tina imagine being
01:11:32at a high school dance singing along with everyone else and a little bit softer now and a little bit
01:11:38softer now and a little bit softer now or how about sitting in the privacy of your church confessional