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04:06Master?
04:17Master?
04:18is that you twinkle of the galaxies
04:38am i in hell or in purgatory you are on a british cross-channel ferry master
04:46i thought i was blown up everyone thinks you are blown up master now you can travel to britain
04:54in safety and comfort you don't sound well toast of the zodiac
05:01yes you're very hot and feverish i have some coffee here to cheer you up
05:09you just poured it over my face but ah thousand apologies scott of the antarctic
05:17will you take off that blindfold but then i would catch sight of your holy countenance
05:23and have to pluck out my eyes with a pair of sugar tongs and another thing master scott
05:30of the antarctic was a film with kenneth moore if only you hadn't lost those seasickness pills
05:36now there is nothing at all i can take nothing you are wrong master what it was john mills
05:44start of the antarctic with john mills
05:49how much longer is this journey going to be but an hour or so diamond of the firmaments
05:56one more hour and i'll be back on dry level
06:00the national seamen strike all cross-channel ferries will be stranded where they are until further notice
06:20the american couple being held by the kgb mr dubenkin claims a cruise missile was found in their rucksack
06:27and the assassination of the shah of iran police raid a cafe in brixton
06:33good evening we've just hours to go before thursday's general election
06:40social democrats look set for victory the latest public opinion polls show labour trailing with 16.1 percent
06:47the conservatives with 31.5 percent and the social democratic alliance with a resounding lead of 52 percent
06:55the shift to liberalism is reflected too on the other side of the atlantic
07:00where republican president johnny cyclops is now caught up in a desperate struggle for his own re-election in the autumn
07:13yes the deacon is here with your campaign advisor sir
07:16oh fine
07:17morning boys
07:18send them in will you
07:19oh no
07:20here we introduce
07:21melvin hickey
07:22PR coordinator
07:23chief executive of the johnny cyclops re-election think tank
07:26a tremendous honor and privilege sir
07:28and that is biff
07:29now
07:30well
07:32oh lord
07:35take pity on us thy humble servants bless us with thy divine love and mercy
07:40give the democrat party election candidate a withered arm
07:44and bestow we beseech thee an outbreak of typhus among the soviet polit bureau forever and ever amen
07:51now mr president this is the way we see the election campaign
07:56using the johnny cyclops bomb as the very cornerstone of our foreign policy we create an image of strength
08:02yeah
08:03wait a minute
08:04johnny cyclops bomb
08:05what johnny cyclops bomb
08:07it was named after you sir
08:09yeah i didn't think it was named after laurel and hardy
08:11what is it
08:12biff
08:13hi
08:14well
08:15basically sir
08:17the johnny cyclops bomb is the devastating new deterrent that gives you up to 50 times more fatalities than most leading nuclear bombs for the same capital outlay
08:25that means more death and destruction more value for your money
08:29how does it work the answer is simple
08:31fusion of heavy neutrons cause a realignment of subatomic quark particles creating a supermassive new energy release
08:37yes the johnny cyclops bomb it makes the old eight bomb look like a sparkler
08:44think of the power and the glory sir we put the first batch of johnny cyclops bombs into full deployment just as the primaries begin
08:51i announce these glad tidings coast to coast on my texaco complanar of salvation
08:56suddenly you're back in the race
08:58yeah but if one of those things accidentally went off it could blow up an entire state i mean think of the risk
09:04we have sir that's why we're citing them in europe
09:07well i know
09:09i don't like the idea of the most destructive instrument of death ever known being called the johnny cyclops bomb
09:15well biff thought it was a good idea am i right biff
09:18the johnny cyclops bomb
09:20it
09:21grabs me
09:22it grabs biff sir
09:23i don't care if it grabs biff
09:25i know what is gonna happen
09:26listen who the hell is biff anyway
09:28with respect sir it's all a little late for this the bomb is being launched tomorrow
09:32launched tomorrow
09:33launched tomorrow
09:34when uh the deacon says launched sir he means launched to the press at a small cocktail party
09:40not literally launched against russia
09:43unless of course you
09:45no no no
09:47i want my name taken off this god damn thing i i want it called the the the the the quark bomb instead
09:53the quark bomb
09:54and you shut up
09:55i like it
09:56i don't give it a
09:57you do
09:58you hear that
09:59biff likes it
10:00he grabs biff
10:01well that's settled then the quark bomb get it changed
10:04as you wish sir finally the johnny cyclops campaign song
10:07right
10:08i think you'll like it sir
10:09raised on a river bank in omaha went to the mission where he played his guitar
10:18always took his hat off when he spoke to his ma
10:21once gave a nigger kid a lift in his car
10:24johnny johnny cyclops never started world war three
10:30master of diplomacy never lost his tact
10:31stayed sane throughout his term no he never ever cracked
10:32never flinched from duty and was never scared to act
10:33who made his tax returns
10:34who made his tax returns and left in the law
10:35authorized to cover up in 1954
10:37and who spends a night a week in bed with a whore
10:40not johnny cyclops that's for sure
10:43johnny cyclops never started world war three
10:49master of diplomacy never lost his tact
10:53stayed sane throughout his term no he never ever cracked
10:56never flinched from duty and was never scared to act
11:00loves to put the shits up the war so a pack
11:03johnny johnny cyclops never started world war three
11:15of course
11:17i gotta tell you
11:18i still think the stars and stripes has the edge
11:22not yet bangle of the fatherland
11:33two and a half days i've been locked in here
11:39i must have air
11:43how's the new suit i found for you monster
11:46nice and inconspicuous
11:48you do
11:51so now you are truly incognito
11:54yes yes
11:55i must have air
12:04i think that i had better have my uniform back
12:07it will be done in about ten minutes master
12:10good
12:11do you mean done where is it
12:13oh it's perfectly safe master
12:15i just put it in the washing machine
12:22you
12:24you
12:26you
12:31you
12:32you
12:33you
13:04Fifty-eight years ago, in small-town Pocatello, Idaho, a young baby was born.
13:17As a child, he grew up among the fresh pine forests and cool mountain streams,
13:23gambled with the gophers and prairie dogs.
13:27Today, that child is Johnny Cyclops, President of the United States.
13:34Guardian of the free world and founder of the most terrifically lethal instrument of mass destruction the world has ever known,
13:45the Quack Bomb, formerly known as the Johnny Cyclops Bomb,
13:52after the president of the same name.
13:55Okay, Mr. President.
13:57Yes, I voted for Johnny Cyclops the last time, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.
14:03I like him because he's such a decisive man.
14:07They say he never suffers from any form of amnesia whatsoever.
14:11A very decisive man.
14:16We interrupt this commercial to bring you a news bulletin.
14:18In the United Kingdom general election, there has been a narrow yet decisive victory for the left-wing Labour Tribune party of Kevin Pork.
14:24Mr. Pork is expected to see that Captain Beanie very early to discuss his program of radical reform.
14:28How much longer have we got?
14:50Sorry, Kev.
14:53In office.
14:55Four years, eleven months and thirty days.
14:59Read it back to me again, will you, Dave?
15:02All right, all right.
15:03Minutes of Her Majesty's Cabinet meeting.
15:10Convened at 10.33 a.m.
15:12One, nationalised banks, increased pension, raised social benefits, granted free public transport for all.
15:19Set up massive job creation scheme to reduce unemployment by five and a half million.
15:25Total cost, one thousand billion pounds.
15:28Two, withhold all future EEC contributions, serve notice of withdrawal.
15:32Abolish Trident slash defence spending by 98%.
15:36Cancel the civil list and close down the Daily Telegraph.
15:42Total saving.
15:44Total saving, one thousand billion pounds.
15:48Any other business?
15:49Abolish House of Lords, withdrew from NATO, ox private education and settle the Seaman's strike.
15:55The meeting was adjourned after ten minutes.
16:02I can't understand how the other governments made it last so long.
16:08Still, it has consummated the marriage, as it were.
16:12And there's nothing for it now but to tell you.
16:16Tell us what, Kev?
16:18Well, it's rather a personal matter.
16:21It's, um...
16:22It's very personal, uh, actually.
16:25Now, how can I put it?
16:27You don't come in, uh, as too much of a shock.
16:32You see, I am...
16:35No.
16:37It's no good.
16:38You've got to know.
16:38The truth of it is, I am secretly Superman.
16:57Superman?
16:58Correct.
17:03Bit of a big one, isn't it?
17:04Well, obviously, you'd like some sort of proof.
17:10Well, there you are.
17:14And, of course, there's the, uh...
17:16Holy Mother of Moses.
17:26As you can imagine, this affects things rather heavily.
17:29I think that's putting it mildly.
17:31Sorry.
17:40As from tomorrow, I shall announce the immediate withdrawal of all American forces,
17:44both nuclear and conventional, from British soil.
17:48In future, I shall be handling all our defence needs personally in my capacity as the man of steel.
17:55Oh, my God.
17:56We'll just tell everybody that it's part of our policy of unilateral disarmament.
18:03There'll be no need for an independent missile anymore,
18:05because I, myself, am faster than a speeding bullet.
18:11So, that's it, boys and girls.
18:14That's about the top and bottom of it.
18:15Oh!
18:22Hello?
18:26Cav?
18:27Oh, I'm sorry.
18:29I saw something rather interesting with my telescopic and X-ray vision.
18:34The new Shah of Iran isn't dead at all.
18:38He's on a cross-channel ferry bound for Dover at this very moment.
18:41Didn't you get a memo from MI5 telling you that this morning?
18:45Yes, I left it upstairs in my in-tray.
18:47I was just reading it.
18:51Oh, that's a point, Brian.
18:53If the Saudis find we've let that man into Britain, there'll be hell to pay.
18:56I shall list you instructions that he's not to be allowed off the boat.
19:00Wouldn't it be quicker to fly down there at super speed and tell him yourself?
19:03I don't think that'll be necessary.
19:08I mean, there's no need to go mad, is there?
19:10Oh, that's a point.
19:11Oh, that's a point.
19:12Oh, that's a point.
19:13Oh, that's a point.
19:17Oh!
19:18Oh!
19:19Oh!
19:20This is the SS!
19:21Don't be right here, the racine!
19:23And we've got orders not to let you leave this boat!
19:25All right, my lad!
19:26Alex!
19:27Oh!
19:28Oh!
19:29Oh!
19:30Oh!
19:31Oh!
19:32Oh!
19:33Oh!
19:34Oh!
19:35Oh!
19:36Oh!
19:37Oh!
19:38Oh!
19:39Oh!
19:40Oh!
19:41Oh!
19:42Oh!
19:43Oh!
19:44That is, Alex!
19:46At least!
19:48Dennis, the bag!
19:51Oh!
19:53Oh!
19:54Oh, Alex!
19:55All right, darling!
19:56Please, Sarge.
19:57What?
19:58I think I've got me foot stuck in the door.
20:01Dennis!
20:02Try using your sword.
20:05Dennis!
20:07My bloody leg of bloody balls!
20:11Oh, my God!
20:12Now, we know you're in there somewhere, I see him.
20:15Shit!
20:16Dennis!
20:17Take it easy now, over, over, over.
20:21Move, move, move.
20:22That's it, now, don't hurt yourself.
20:24Right.
20:25You okay in there?
20:26Jam, Sarge!
20:27Okay, my boy, let it go!
20:34Right!
20:45You bastard!
20:48You callous, brutal bastard!
20:51Oh!
20:53He was my best mate!
20:58He's dead now, Sarge.
21:01I know he's dead now, Donald!
21:04I know I'll be even stiff when I see one.
21:07Now, look, he's obviously not here.
21:09Now, look, let's go try the rooftop garden restaurant.
21:13And, Desmond, try dragging Dennis along, will ya?
21:16No!
21:17No!
21:18No!
21:19No!
21:20No!
21:21No!
21:22No!
21:23No!
21:24No!
21:25No!
21:26No!
21:27No!
21:29No!
21:30No!
21:31No!
21:32No!
21:33No!
21:34No!
21:35No!
21:36No!
21:37No!
21:38No!
21:39At last we can make our way to dry land!
21:42What is that?
21:43I'm sorry, Pablo, I didn't go any chance.
21:46Don't you stand there, Ebner!
21:47I've let him at me!
21:49Certainly, carbuncle of the asteroids.
21:52No!
21:55Sarge!
22:06Fear not, Master.
22:08Worse things happen at sea.
22:15There it is, Deacon.
22:17And you know the latest crack going around the Pentagon.
22:21Why is Johnny Cyclops like a two-bit hooker?
22:24Oh, why is Johnny Cyclops like a two-bit hooker?
22:30Sick minds, Mr. President, sick minds!
22:33How do they think I feel?
22:35The one man we were all depending on going back and forth across the English Channel like a shuttlecock.
22:40If only we could airlift him off!
22:42Far too risky, sir. We must not alert the Soviets, not while they have two of our citizens.
22:47We've got to get him off that goddamn boat!
22:49Sir, if the Lord had meant us to panic, he would never have given us clean trousers.
22:57Listen, Mary, Mary, get me Downing Street, will you?
23:00I've got to talk to this guy, Pork.
23:02Just who does he think he is?
23:05Oh, God save us. The Prime Minister of Great Britain thinks he's Superman.
23:08Will you give up?
23:09Can you imagine what would happen if the press got hold of this note?
23:12I'm sorry I can't make question time in the house today.
23:14Brainiac has escaped from the Phantom Zone.
23:16Hello?
23:20Yes, I'll hold.
23:21He's the President of the United States.
23:23Oh, glory, hallelujah. What are you going to tell him?
23:25I'm sorry the Prime Minister is out of his mind at the moment.
23:28Will you stop? We're going like a baby.
23:30We've got to...
23:30Hello?
23:32No, I'm terribly sorry, Mr. President.
23:34We're not quite sure where he is at the moment.
23:36Hey, hang on.
23:37I think this could be him, then.
23:42Sorry, I'm late, boys and girls.
23:44Is that for me?
23:45President Cyclops, careful.
23:48He won't be allowed in. Goodbye.
23:51May interest you to know I've just been to see the doctor.
23:54Doctor?
23:55I haven't been feeling myself just lately.
23:58We weren't going to say anything.
23:59Well, no, he's pretending, isn't he?
24:03But, um, I think I've been overdoing things.
24:05But I had a talk with the doctor and he's given me some pills to take.
24:08Oh, it'll be for the best, Kev. I'm sure it will.
24:10Which doctor is this, then, Kev?
24:11Doctor Destiny of Earth 2.
24:15I don't know whether you know him.
24:17He helped me to rescue Lois Lane in the giant starfish of Atlantis.
24:22Well, crypto, it's time for your fly round the block.
24:38You know, I feel better already.
24:44OK, so wait a minute. Wait a minute. Get this.
24:46How come Johnny Cyclops is like a two-bed hooker?
24:51Give in?
24:51Every day a new cock-up!
24:56Hey, you sure you spell quark with a Q?
25:03Of course you do.
25:05That's not what we can.
25:06No way.
25:08Well, it don't look right to me.
25:10And that's another thing.
25:12What?
25:13You know when the colonel brought these things in here
25:15and said they were the most lethal and dangerous bombs in the whole world
25:18and we had to guard them with our lives?
25:21Yeah?
25:22What about it?
25:23Nothing.
25:26It's just that
25:27I could have sworn there were six of them.
25:30Come on.
25:32LAUGHTER
25:34¶¶
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