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00:35Welcome everyone. Now before we get started, I like to play a little getting to know you game. So going
00:41around the group, I want you each to make two statements about yourself. Preferably both of them quite surprising. One
00:47of which is true. Okay. And one is a lie. So go on, really throw me a curveball.
00:52Kerry, do you mind starting? Okay. Well, I've been out with Brad Pitt. And I've swum with dolphins.
01:04Oh, thank you, Kerry. Well, I don't think you'd have kept Brad to yourself for this long, so I'm guessing
01:09that's the lie.
01:10Okay, Lee, one weird truth and one funny lie, please.
01:14I once slept with Angelina Jolie and I have a pet rat.
01:19Very good, very good, Lee. I think we know which one's the lie there, don't we?
01:25Howard.
01:27Oh, okay, um, I once slept with a Thai ladyboy. And I once slept with a Vietnamese ladyboy.
01:40Bit too rude.
01:44Here, have you heard about Chalky and all this? He's actually a spy for, like, that lot we're fighting, the
01:48Germans or whatever.
01:50No way. Chalky? A spy? You mean Chalky?
01:53Yeah, man, Chalky.
01:54Chalky von Schmidt, a spy?
01:57I swear down, he's been giving the Germans all, like, spoilers about the war and this.
02:02Oh, my days, that is so two-faced.
02:04Do not know. Apparently he was caught nicking stuff from the group captain's briefcase and sending it to his nan
02:08in Berlin.
02:09The group captain's well vexed. So our side, that's the British or whatever, are going to, like, totally shoot him
02:14up.
02:15Harsh.
02:17But the worst thing, right, the worst thing is, do you know what the worst thing is?
02:19No, what's the worst thing?
02:20The worst thing is, I thought Chalky was my main homeboy.
02:23Now it turns out he's Hitler's homeboy.
02:26I reckon him and Hitler have been talking about me behind my back.
02:30Right. Chalky's your main homeboy?
02:33Yeah. I feel well betrayed. Spies are so fake.
02:37Why can't people just be themselves?
02:39Because the big thing about me is I'm just myself, and that's who I am, right?
02:42And if you don't like that, then you can just deal with it, girlfriend, because that's who I am.
02:46Anyway, I'm going to go to the mess and get all, like, a cup of tea or some shit like
02:48that.
02:51Can I get you anything?
02:51No, no. I'm fine.
02:53You all right, man?
02:54Yep.
02:58It's just I thought I was your main homeboy, isn't it?
03:02Harsh.
03:05So if we're going to make some snowflakes, what else are we going to need?
03:09A card.
03:10Well, we've got our card, haven't we?
03:11Oh, yes.
03:12Oh, oh, I know, I know.
03:13Go on then, righty.
03:14Uh, scissors.
03:15Yeah, we've got our scissors here, though.
03:17No.
03:18Um...
03:18Well, what about some glitter?
03:20Oh, yes. Glitter. Glitter.
03:23And maybe some glue?
03:24Oh, yes. Glue. Sticky, sticky glue.
03:26All right, are you going to get the glitter?
03:27Oh, I will, yes.
03:28Lefty, are you going to get the glue?
03:29Yes, I will.
03:30On you go then.
03:31OK.
03:33Kill them.
03:46I'm standing on the famous mahogany-inlaid floor of the Banqueting Hall in the Chateau
03:52de Vincent in order to view a truly extraordinary item.
03:57The only surviving panel of the Saint-Germain tapestry, the finest emblem ever created in
04:06praise of that most original medieval notion, the ideal of courtly love.
04:12Just look at this glorious embodiment of chastity, lifting her mantle, raising her hand,
04:20turning her face towards us.
04:22Surrounded by the heraldic emblems of the court, lions, unicorns, and rampant bears,
04:31she is so beautiful and so rare that this must be the most exceptional item of antiquity
04:38in the whole of France.
04:40It is, of course, quite simply, priceless.
04:50The tapestry was originally part of a triptych detailing many facets of courtly life.
04:57There were numerous smaller depictions of natura natura, that is, nature natureing.
05:03Goats, donkeys, rabbits, sheep, even hedgehog.
05:32Ah, yes, the morning run to school.
05:37Wait a minute, there's no seatbelt back here.
05:40In a crash, this boy could suffer cuts and grazes.
05:45Before you take a child on a drive, stop.
05:49Are they secure in the back?
05:54Make sure you wedge them in tightly.
06:00Backseat child, remember, there's safety in numbers.
06:10Oh, what's up, fella?
06:12I can't sleep.
06:14Oh, come on, champ.
06:15Room for one more on top deck.
06:18Something up?
06:21It's just sometimes when I can't sleep, it's because I've got something on my mind.
06:25Well, Mark Wollison says that if you kiss a girl, you can get an STD.
06:29Wow.
06:30Did he now?
06:31Well, Mark Wollison, whoever he might be, is talking complete rubbish.
06:36You can't catch an STD from kissing.
06:39Kissing is the simplest, purest, most enjoyable pleasure a guy and a girl can share.
06:47T-bagging?
06:48That'll give you an STD.
06:50Yeah, as will bear-backing, gang-banging, gunk-holing, freeze-ups and BJs.
06:56They'll definitely give you an STD.
06:58Spatch-cocking, pole-vaulting, Russell-branding, spit-spooning.
07:02Yeah.
07:04Piggy-hunting, flanging, spam-junking and dog-collaring.
07:08Oddly enough, though, golden shower's absolutely fine.
07:12Urine, you see.
07:13Nature's antiseptic and therefore completely safe to drink.
07:17Come on.
07:18Got a big weekend ahead of us.
07:20You've got rugby practice in the morning.
07:22Night-night.
07:23Night-night.
07:30This is only another 12 metres further up.
07:33But look at the overhang.
07:35It'll be suicide for us to even try that.
07:38But what are we supposed to do, then?
07:39Just leave her here?
07:40Face it, Andy.
07:41You can't make that climb, and I'm damn sure I can't.
07:45Wait a minute.
07:47There's one man who can make that climb.
07:49Who?
07:50Vince.
07:50He's a drunk.
07:51Sure.
07:52But before he crawled into a bottle, he was the best damn climber in the country.
07:56We can't, Jake.
07:58We can't put her life in Vince's hands.
08:01I wish we had a choice.
08:05Come on.
08:10Vince.
08:11You're the only person here who can make that climb.
08:14Can't I tell you?
08:16You of all people should know why.
08:19It wasn't your fault, Harry fell.
08:23No.
08:24I was the one that tied the guide ropes.
08:27I killed him as surely as if I'd cut that rope myself.
08:32I've never told you this before.
08:36You weren't the one responsible for Harry's death.
08:39I was.
08:42Good.
08:43It wasn't your knot in the guide rope that gave.
08:47It was mine.
08:51Yeah.
08:52And I let you take the blame.
08:55I thought I had too much to lose.
08:58I was a coward.
09:01I'm sorry.
09:09Where is she?
09:12Can you see her?
09:14I'm gone!
09:15Yes!
09:17Yes!
09:20She's unconscious.
09:22Looks like her leg's broken.
09:26But she's alive!
09:27Oh, you beautiful bastard.
09:31Stand by!
09:32I'm going to lower her down.
09:34Okay.
09:40You dropped her!
09:44You dropped her, Vince!
09:46What do you expect?
09:48I've been drinking since 9 o'clock this morning!
09:52Oh, sod-a-lot of ya!
10:01Now, Prince Harry's today been admitted to the King Edward VII Hospital in Windsor
10:06for what we believe to be a problem toe.
10:09I'm joined this morning by our very own royal expert, Terry Devlin.
10:13Good morning, Terry.
10:14Good morning to you, Peter.
10:17Terry, you've been a friend, some would say a confidant,
10:20of the royal family for a number of years.
10:21Can you give us an insight into what's been happening this morning?
10:25Oh, yes, Peter.
10:26Well, the Prince will have been conveyed to the medical premises by car
10:30or, if the injury was deemed serious enough by ambulance,
10:34some time well in advance of the 10.15 start of the procedure,
10:38possibly around 10, 9.30, maybe, or on the safe side,
10:42belt and bracelets, 9 o'clock.
10:45Right.
10:46And can Harry expect a visit from the Queen today?
10:49Oh, yes, he could indeed be visited by Her Majesty
10:52or indeed the Duke of Edinburgh,
10:55Prince Charles, Prince of Wales,
10:57his consort Camilla,
10:59Duchess of Cornwall,
11:00Princess Royal,
11:02Duke of York,
11:03Earl of Wessex,
11:05Duke of Kent,
11:06Lady Sarah Chateau,
11:07formerly Armstrong Jones,
11:10Zara Phillips,
11:12her brother Peter Phillips,
11:13maybe even Mike Tindall,
11:16maybe Austin Healey,
11:18or Danny Cipriani.
11:20Good.
11:21Right, well,
11:21more on the Prince and his problem.
11:23So, in a few moments,
11:25first,
11:25let's get the lowdown on that massacre in Riyadh.
11:27Or Tom Puckaballs.
11:31Well, ladies and gentlemen,
11:32it's now time for the high point of our afternoon.
11:34Joining us for our live satellite link-up,
11:36please welcome our keynote speaker,
11:38the CEO of Welltech Corporation
11:39and winner of this year's Albright Medal
11:42for services to global industry,
11:44the one and only Carl Bronson.
11:51Good afternoon, Carl.
11:54I think you mean good morning.
12:02What I'm about to tell you is hard to grasp.
12:05Not because it's complicated,
12:07but because it's so simple.
12:19Ponytail!
12:26Is anybody there?
12:29Hello?
12:35A funny thing happened to me recently, Ville.
12:38Indeed, sir?
12:38I thought you might like to hear about it.
12:40I know how fond you are of the comical incident.
12:42Veritas sipe,
12:43yoculum dictum est, sir.
12:45Quite.
12:46So, I was driving back from the Idiots Club
12:48the other evening
12:49after a particularly thorough dinner,
12:51and I'd started humming
12:52one of Mr Berlin's finest to myself
12:54when I suddenly realised
12:54I had absolutely no idea where I was.
12:58That's not the funny part, Ville.
13:00No, sir?
13:01That section of the story
13:02makes me look quite the silly William.
13:04Why would you think that was the funny part?
13:06My apologies, sir.
13:07Anyway, I spied an agreeable-looking cove
13:09ambulating along the P,
13:10so I decided to pull up
13:11and ask him for directions.
13:12But I didn't break in time,
13:13and I ran him over.
13:16That's the funny part, Ville.
13:18Is it, sir?
13:19Oh, sorry.
13:20I'm a perfect endive brain.
13:22I omitted the crucial detail.
13:23He died instantly.
13:26I'm still struggling to locate
13:28the precise nub of the trollery, sir.
13:30Oh, come along, Ville.
13:32Chap taking evening stroll,
13:33minding own business,
13:34then seconds later, dead.
13:36It's the farcer's Shangri-La.
13:39Jerome K. Jerome,
13:40thou shouldst be living at this hour.
13:42And you know what?
13:43I've just thought of what I should have said
13:44to the fellow after I killed him.
13:46No point asking you for directions now.
13:48Oh, I wish I'd thought of that at the time.
13:52I believe our French cousins
13:53refer to that sentiment as
13:54l'esprit de l'escal...
13:56Oh, fuck off, Ville.
14:02Chicken or blowjob, sir?
14:04Sorry?
14:05Would you like the chicken or the blowjob?
14:07Uh, blowjob, please.
14:09And for you, sir?
14:10Chicken for me, please.
14:19Actually, that does look rather good.
14:21Can I have the chicken as well?
14:22Of course.
14:22Good luck.
14:34That's enough.
14:35You hear him, boy?
14:36Hmm.
14:37She's like, man.
14:41Hmm.
14:43Hmm.
14:44Hmm.
14:44They got him.
14:44Hmm.
14:46Blah.
14:48Uh-bah-bah.
14:50Uh-bah-bah.
14:52Ooh-bah.
14:53Du-bah-du-bah.
14:56Huh?
14:57Uh-bah.
15:00Hmm.
15:03Hmm.
15:08Hmm.
15:10Hmm.
15:13Hmm.
15:16Yeah, that's a name.
15:30Mr. Nature.
15:34They sound like noise with me.
15:37To the funnel.
15:44Little boy.
15:47Little boy.
15:50Mmmmm.
15:56Mmmmm.
15:59Voilà .
16:02Mmmmm.
16:16Mmmmm.
16:19Mmmmm.
16:21Mmmmm.
16:22Mmmmm.
16:23Mmmmm.
16:41Mmmmm.
16:42It's making a comeback.
16:43What about Sprouts?
16:44Never gonna happen.
16:45Fucker.
16:45I'm just back from the zoo.
16:46What was the best thing there?
16:47The camels.
16:48Of course.
16:48Rocky 5 didn't really work.
16:50Too late, I've seen it.
16:51Model railways are more popular than ever.
16:53Uh huh.
16:53Nobody misses soda streams.
16:54Right.
16:54Two pints of silver tops.
16:56Where the hell have you been?
17:00Thanks Bill.
17:01We must apologise again if you found any of those images disturbing.
17:04It really is an appalling situation.
17:06Really, uh, appalling.
17:07News just in that Prince Harry has been discharged from King Edward VII Hospital in Windsor following
17:13an operation for what we believe to be a foot injury.
17:16With me is Terry Devlin, Royal Expert.
17:19Terry, uh, a privilege to have you.
17:21God, it's a great pleasure to be here.
17:23Hope we're not, uh, not keeping you from any royal duties?
17:26Not today, no.
17:28So, um, could you tell us, just give us a rough idea of what the Prince will be doing
17:32right now?
17:33Yes, Peter.
17:34Well, having been formally discharged as a patient, the Prince will now be making his
17:39way back to one of the royal households.
17:42Clarence House.
17:44Balmoral, perhaps.
17:46Winter Castle.
17:48Highgrove.
17:49Sandringham.
17:51Osborne House on the Isle of Wight.
17:53Bourke Hall, the Queen Mother's private retreat near Balmoral.
17:57Checkers.
17:59Castle Howard.
18:00Alton Towers.
18:03Great day out for all the family.
18:06Whereupon he would then be in residence, as we call it.
18:10And, in fact, I imagine he may very well be imminently be having breakfast.
18:14If not at this time, then very much, if you like, certainly around this time.
18:19Any idea of what that breakfast might consist of, then?
18:22Well, of course, knowing the young Prince Harry like I do, that very much depends.
18:26If his royal highness were to feel that perhaps he might benefit from a heartier, more protein-based
18:31breakfast, then he could expect to be able to choose from, I don't know, anything from
18:35sausages, bacon, beans, tomatoes...
18:37Eggs?
18:38Oh, yes, yes, yes.
18:41In my experience, eggs have long been part of the possible diet of various members of the royal household over
18:47many, many generations.
18:49Queen Victoria, as we know, for example, there's every reason to believe, may have incorporated eggs into her official routine.
18:56OK, but presumably they don't all sit round and tuck into a full English every day.
19:00Oh, no-one might well imagine that there might be perhaps a more continental option available.
19:06Also, theoretically, muesli or other breakfast cereals might also be part of the offering.
19:12As also, we'd be fruits of the kind many of us are familiar with ourselves.
19:18Presumably even just a piece of toast.
19:20There's absolutely nothing to suggest that that's not a very, very real possibility for the Prince.
19:26Or, er, er, just quickly, tea, coffee?
19:29It could easily be either.
19:32Or hot chocolate.
19:33I see. More on that story later, but first, more news on the harrowing aftermath of those Asian floods.
19:39Or gis.
19:45Y ë´¤.
19:48Tev...
20:02Hmmmmmm.
20:04Eh.
20:17Oh, it's an amazing view, isn't it?
20:29Oh, it's just perfect, isn't it?
20:31Oh, it's so lovely to have you all to myself.
20:34The last six months, I seem to have spent every day
20:36talking to either my mum or your mum about bloody flower arrangements.
20:40Or the theme for the Page Boys outfit.
20:42Oh, God. Was I a nightmare?
20:44Yes.
20:46Oh, but luckily, I love you.
20:50Aloha!
20:52Jim.
20:53Aloha.
20:54Aloha.
20:55Aloha.
20:55So, how are you, Jim? You had a good day?
20:57Yeah, not bad. In fact, I think today's the first day.
21:00I haven't thought about my wife doing a bunk with a wedding DJ
21:02on the day of our wedding.
21:04Oh, shit.
21:06Try again tomorrow.
21:07So sad.
21:08Hey, no mind. Don't cry for me, Auntie Tina.
21:11Life gave me lemons, so I made lemonade.
21:13Dash of vodka in that lemonade, Jim!
21:15No, thanks. I don't like what it does to me.
21:18Actually, hang on. Wait a minute, Jim.
21:20I thought you were on the top floor, sweetie.
21:21How come you're next to us?
21:22Yeah, yeah. I got myself moved, didn't I?
21:24You know, I thought you'd prefer having a neighbour you knew,
21:26not some fiery Latinos
21:28or some crude, in-your-face Yanks
21:30or some DJ playing records all night
21:33banging away till the early morning
21:34with somebody else's wife!
21:39Oh, well...
21:40We're pretty tired, Jim.
21:41I think we might, er...
21:42We might turn in.
21:44Oh, that's nice.
21:45I can't sleep, me.
21:46Not like normal people do.
21:47Tell you what else, though.
21:49Camomile tea?
21:50No.
21:50A travel boggle marathon.
21:52Eh?
21:53Can I come over?
21:55Right.
21:56Careful, Jim.
21:57That's all right.
21:57I've been over this a couple of times already.
22:01Come on, take a pew.
22:02It's like Scrabble, only not a stuck-up.
22:04Erm, listen, Jim,
22:06I think we're a bit too tired to play.
22:07Nonsense. It's easy.
22:08Come on, look.
22:09Here you are.
22:10Look, bitch, deceit, betrayal,
22:14adulterous, conniving.
22:15Look, there's bitch again.
22:16You can have those for free.
22:17I can't see them, Jim.
22:19Yeah, you can, Phil.
22:20You're just not looking hard enough.
22:22Oh, fancy a vodka from the minibar, Jim?
22:25Can't mind if I do, Sal.
22:28You've got a right royal cracker there, Phil.
22:30Oh, thanks.
22:31Always check her text, though.
22:34Last thing you want is to find your wife
22:35pinioned to the floor of a transit van
22:37by the shimmering mullet of an over-sexed wedding DJ.
22:41Did I mention that's what happened to my wife?
22:43Yeah, you did.
22:44Yeah, that's right.
22:45Stick the knife in, Phil, you shithouse!
22:49Oh, cheers, though.
22:50Just pop it down there, would you?
22:51Come on, then.
22:52Best of 30 games should see us through to sunrise.
22:55Give it a shake, Phil.
22:57Oh!
23:02Help.
23:05You'll have to forgive Fife if he seems a little distracted.
23:07He's picked up an alarming new habit.
23:10Isn't that so, Fife?
23:11Hmm?
23:11Pitiful, isn't it?
23:13Why not tell the ladies and gentlemen
23:14about this newly acquired and somewhat bizarre pastime?
23:17I'm trying to learn a new word every day.
23:19Extraordinary why anyone would wish to do that.
23:21And what, may I ask, is today's word?
23:24Ah, well, it's very interesting, you see.
23:25I've just discovered a Latin word
23:26for something I do every day for pleasure.
23:29Goodness me.
23:31Yes, it appears I'm a labia-philist.
23:35And dare I ask what that involves?
23:37I collect beer bottles.
23:38Oh, I see.
23:39I always assumed it was the contents
23:41that most interested you
23:42rather than the bottles themselves.
23:46No, but, of course,
23:47one has to be very careful with words.
23:49Some people do get very tongue-tied.
23:50I believe the Greeks call it dyslexic.
23:53And that, funnily enough,
23:54is what this next song is all about.
24:00A man of my acquaintance
24:02had much suffering related
24:04to an irritating problem with his speech.
24:07Whereas most of us can say
24:09if we're not intoxicated
24:11that communication's well within our reach.
24:14Now, this poor, benighted soul
24:16fell so often in a hole.
24:17It really was a most annoying trait.
24:20He tried hard to get it fixed up
24:22but his letters got so mixed up
24:24and this is what we often heard him state.
24:29I'm a repick.
24:31A cuffing repick.
24:39What about this one?
24:40It's all right.
24:42Oh, Andy, it's a bit dull.
24:44What about this one?
24:46It's got writing on it.
24:48I hate random things written on clothes.
24:49It's just pointless.
24:50Look, it's the same price as the other one.
24:52You might as well.
24:53It's more interesting.
24:55What is it?
24:56All right, good.
25:02What the hell are you doing up here?
25:06Sorry?
25:06You'd better get down to the harbour right now, man!
25:09What?
25:10When you sign up for South Harbour Club Patrol,
25:11it means you're on 24 hours alert!
25:14And right now, you're needed!
25:16Uh, no, I need to get to my yoga class.
25:18You'll be yogharing with my boots up your arse
25:20if you don't get down to South Harbour now!
25:23Don't, Donald, move!
25:28Pick your knees up!
25:37Oh, good, you're here at last.
25:39Make ready to fall in.
25:40No, I think it's been a mistake.
25:41Yeah, I've heard it all before.
25:43Now just join the others!
25:50First time, it's always a bit weird.
25:51Just keep your head down, don't answer back.
25:53I only wear this for the gardening.
25:55Shut it, you!
25:57And start patrolling!
25:59Sorry, how do I patrol?
26:00Don't.
26:01Are you stupid as well as ugly?
26:04Walk up and down the harbour
26:06and deal with any harbour-based problems!
26:10Such as?
26:10What bloody hell do you think?
26:13Litter!
26:14Untidy ropes!
26:16Loitering!
26:17Missing life rings!
26:19Jetty repair!
26:23Somali pirates.
26:25Right!
26:26Everyone, you know what to do.
26:28South Harbour must not fall!
26:31Can't!
26:32Just grab a weapon or something.
26:34Move it, move it!
26:37Right!
26:39Attack!
26:40Hooray!
26:47Harrowing pictures.
26:48I'm sure you'll agree.
26:49Simply harrowing.
26:50Still with us, of course,
26:52giving us the inside track
26:53on Prince Harry's alleged foot operation
26:55is royal expert
26:57Terry Devlin.
26:58Terry,
26:58what would be the prince's
27:00state of mind at this time?
27:02Well, Peter,
27:04certainly thoughts
27:05will be going through his head.
27:09Right.
27:10Yeah, yeah.
27:10Various different thoughts
27:12in all probability.
27:13Such as?
27:14Such as,
27:16for example,
27:16well, let's see,
27:18badgers,
27:19flowers,
27:20the plate of Africa,
27:21football,
27:22how long do basil have four?
27:24What kind of metal a pound
27:26coin's made of?
27:27String,
27:29and its tensile strength.
27:31Biros,
27:32birthdays,
27:34and quarrying?
27:45You don't know, do you?
27:48No.
28:10What about this?
28:14No.
28:17This?
28:19Yeah,
28:19doesn't look like the right
28:21size.
28:22Um,
28:23this one's quite cool.
28:26Are you sure you don't
28:27know the caption?
28:28It's a bit sleazy.
28:29I don't think people
28:30are going to read that.
28:33Hmm?
28:36I don't know the captioning.
28:37You don't know the captioning though.
28:41I don't know the captioning.
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