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00:07To be continued...
00:30...any warming out.
00:31By the end of it, bollocks like a bulldog.
00:40Cut!
00:40That's good. Print that for the next one.
00:42Mike!
00:43Richard, that's exactly what I was talking about with smoke.
00:45All right, I want to go and tailor it.
00:47Did you see me there?
00:48It was brilliant.
00:49Did you get more money for that?
00:50Do I?
00:51It's a direction, yeah?
00:52Yeah.
00:52You'll get more money.
00:53Excellent.
00:54It's called Supplementary Performance.
00:55So you talk to the production manager.
00:56Really?
00:56Am I going to sort everyone's life out?
00:58Oh, there we go.
00:58Talk to the production manager.
00:59You get a few extra quids.
01:01Cool.
01:01God knows you could do it.
01:03These are my tools.
01:05They're for me.
01:17Hey, guys.
01:18Guys, people.
01:19Can we gather around, please?
01:22You guys?
01:26Um, this is Goran.
01:28This is the man whose story we're making.
01:34Okay, he's the reason we're gathered here.
01:35To share his story with the world.
01:38A lot of you might be thinking, why am I making this movie?
01:41Sure, you guys look at me as one of the world's most successful comedy actors.
01:46What does that mean?
01:47I mean, yeah, I make a long-game holiday.
01:50It opens to $32 million, one of the biggest Martin Luther King Jr. birthday holiday opening
01:53weekends ever.
01:54Goes on to gross $170 million worldwide.
01:56Meet the parents, double that.
01:58But what does the money and the success mean in real terms?
02:03If I find a little orphan child in a war zone, hiding in a burnt-out building, his parents
02:10murdered, persecuted for his race, his religion, what am I going to do?
02:16Pop on dodgeball on DVD?
02:18It's a funny film.
02:20Thanks.
02:20And I can put on dodgeball, and he's going to laugh for an hour and 32 minutes.
02:24You know, escape reality for a while.
02:26But what happens when the film finishes?
02:29Back to reality.
02:31Still an orphan.
02:32Still living with fear.
02:34How do I help him?
02:36Put on dodgeball again?
02:38Sure, he's going to laugh again.
02:40He'll see things he didn't see the first time.
02:42It's layered.
02:42It was made like that.
02:43But this can't go on indefinitely.
02:45All right?
02:46At a certain point, you know, after the fifth, sixth, seventh viewing, he's still laughing,
02:52but it's not getting to the root of the problem.
02:54Okay?
02:56How do I help him?
02:59Make dodgeball, too.
03:00Make this movie.
03:02Make people think.
03:04Change attitudes.
03:06So, think on that while you're sipping on your frappuccinos.
03:09And what are we doing, Mike?
03:12Let's have a break.
03:13Break time.
03:13Okay, good.
03:15Thank you very much.
03:15Thanks, everyone.
03:16Back at Portapast.
03:18Thanks.
03:28I want you to just be coming straight in.
03:30Like, without...
03:30You know, there shouldn't be a delay between when the grenade has gone off and when you guys
03:34come around.
03:34Okay?
03:35So, start around behind the rope.
03:35yeah is it possible please more smoke was there more smoke yes okay can i get more smoke please
03:42thank you my pleasure okay all right guys now while we have the smoke can you come around
03:47charging right yeah uh the coke it's not cold sorry what wait okay kill just kill the smoke
03:53for a second what my coke is not cold your coke's not cold no okay all right mike yeah yeah
03:58can we
03:59get him a cold coke okay make sure his coke is always cold okay look at that he gets anything
04:05he wants i know but he's been through a lot hasn't he i know he's been through a lot they're
04:10making a
04:10film he's not a competition winner that's where the real power lies here okay i think he's quite
04:15attractive actually forget it i know what you're thinking but never get involved with a man whose
04:20wife's been murdered that's awful right well for one he's not gonna be a barrel of laughs two you can't
04:26compete with her it's not like the marriage started going down there when she was boozing and sleeping
04:29around you know what i mean she was taken from at the peak of their love she's gone out on
04:33a high
04:33she's like marilyn monroe or jimmy dean can't compete with her never get involved with a man
04:37whose wife's been murdered rule one choose someone else well who then it's as easy as that in it to
04:44you
04:47come in just one second i think maybe i'm owed some money some sort of supplementary performance
04:53money or something i think right this is give me one second hi hi how can i help yes the
05:04the thing
05:04this supplementary acting fee right i'll have to check with the first a.d really um let me get your
05:09details up okay what's your name my um maggie jacobs just take a seat maggie thank you
05:26well i hope your wife doesn't catch me on your sofa or your girlfriend i'm not married or your
05:32girlfriend i haven't got a girlfriend i suppose your boyfriend i'm not gay i should be worried your
05:41husband catches you in here i'm not married and i don't have a boyfriend and i am i'm not a
05:45lesbian so
05:45i'm all done available hello um you get on well my ben uh i wonder if you could just sort
06:06of like
06:06have a worry about me because um i'm a proper actor i'm an actor in this but i've done you
06:10know um lines
06:13you okay yeah my wife pictures of my wife i heard about that sorry memories wonderful love yeah
06:28this is her very beautiful she is our first holiday here she is with my son one year old nice
06:36boy nice no
06:37more dead dead boy my wife again oh i shouldn't look at that was she somebody did no she is
06:49dead
06:51lying in the street i see now she's dead yeah
06:56why did you take her why did i take photograph of her yeah to show the world what must be
07:01shown
07:01this is why i want film to be made by ben stiller ben stiller of zoolander sure you look dead
07:07naked you
07:08look i am but i'm only looking at a dead naked face
07:14where did you get these developed my cousin i was gonna say it's not the sort of thing you pop
07:19into
07:19boots with boots oh it's a um a chain of chemists high street pharmacy i don't just do pharmacy now
07:27they
07:28do everything they do um gifts sandwiches um white watches smoothies we don't have boots oh are you
07:36mr trick true print give you a free film when you get something developed are you a mug anyway if
07:42you
07:42could put a word in um to bend to get me a light this i'll catch you later
08:02he's got photos and everything oh well that's not gonna help is it no always me is i can't push
08:06it i
08:07can't go to remind him go sorry to interrupt you again when you're thinking about your slaughtered
08:10loved ones but that line have you done anything about it do you know what i mean might seem a
08:14wee bit insensitive eh yeah it could do oh listen be warned jackie greer's on the prowl why she's
08:21having a birthday do forget it i'm not going well i'm not going if you're not going don't go then
08:26no but i can't not go because she's always really nice to me well have an excuse ready like what
08:32my standard is oh my sister's coming down to stay and find out exactly when it is they'll go when
08:37is
08:37it this saturday this saturday i can't my sister's coming down oh you're gutted you'd love to have
08:42gone but found me oh hello you two don't like your hair like that she's beautiful now listen up no
08:49excuses my birthday this week i'm having birthday drinks i'm 21 again and i command you both to be
08:56there and i won't take no for an answer okay oh my sister when is it when is it friday
09:03after we wrap
09:04it's only local this friday this friday yeah friday oh no i can't do this friday my sister is coming
09:11down oh well bring her along i'd love to meet her okay i'll i'll bring her along well you can't
09:19bring
09:19her along can you can't actually physically because i've got a sister yeah you're confused as my sister's
09:24coming down she can't yeah so you can come yes i can come and you darling well as she said
09:30my sister's
09:31coming down so and as i said bring her along but what she didn't say was she's coming down because
09:35she's ill oh brilliant god is it serious we're not sure oh well send her my love i will but
09:42i will see
09:43you there definitely i've got no excuses yeah okay see you later oh my god you're coming no i'm not
09:52well i've got to be punished because you didn't think on your feet quickly enough no i can't go on
09:56my own
09:56i can't go at all what if my sister died what's she got i haven't got a sister you haven't
10:04got a
10:04sister no i made it up excuse you're reading a little magazine there are you yeah just understand
10:10it would you rather have all your food too salty or too sweet doesn't matter if it's too anything it's
10:15rubbish isn't it see i would have too salty well no it'd be rubbish if it's too sorry it'd be
10:19rubbish
10:20i know but i like savory things yeah but you said too salty which means it's horrible i like crisps
10:24oh don't ask me any more questions oh well hey hello oh this this is my friend andy hi hi
10:30uh john
10:31hi what are you doing here oh just i'm just having lunch oh yeah that's that's what we're doing isn't
10:36it yeah just letting it cool down here though having a bit of lunch just before we go back to
10:39work
10:40are you having to work late tonight then no not tonight i'm uh i'm going to a drink stew i
10:45don't
10:45if you know it's jackie gray's birthday oh my god i'm going i'm already going oh spooky i'm sure
10:51you're welcome to come along as well i can't i'm doing anything nice so do you know jackie
10:55greer really well good friends uh not really no the producer's going down so he sort of asked us to
11:00go along to you know for team bonding or whatever the producer of this yeah martin the producer is
11:04going to be there for um he knows jackie from years back so yeah i'll probably move stuff around might
11:08as well come down for a couple of yeah okay well we'll see you later on then for a drink
11:14and a bit of a
11:14laugh it'll be great yeah yeah well i better get this down me laying my stomach cockle bam sounds a
11:21bit rude doesn't it not really what have you gone for oh boring just three beans salad spinach and
11:28smoothie i'm on a high fiber diet oh no bowel cancer for you then uh oh hopefully not no
11:37okay see you later yeah cheers no bowel cancer for you then all right that's a sweet line
11:50hi hello you all right yeah not gonna no no i'm good good well i've got your gift
11:58why just to say thanks for being part of this amazing project you know oh thank you very much
12:03to thank you for the line you said you'd get me do you remember did i yeah you probably don't
12:08remember because you were crying about your dead family and stuff but you said you'd ask ben
12:12for a line are you gonna ask ben for a line yeah i can do that yeah i didn't know
12:19what to get
12:20you got your vouchers vouchers yeah 15 quids worth it's like money it's exactly like money you can only
12:27spend at a top shop so so yeah i'll spend here yeah yeah brilliant yeah 15 quid see you later
12:49cut cut why why is he laughing why are you laughing what's so funny it dripped up okay all right
13:00do you think this is funny
13:02huh you think war is funny do you think genocide is funny huh are you just mom yeah let me
13:09ask you
13:09this do you think this would be funny if i shot your mother right now huh if i shot your
13:13mommy in the
13:13face would that make you laugh do you think it would be funny huh if i blew your mother's face
13:17off right
13:18now in front of you would that make you laugh okay so maybe you should think of that next time
13:21you trip
13:21okay okay let's do it right now let's go still rolling the atrocities continue
13:29and action so itchiness
13:48is
13:54so much i wasn't expecting you i thought your sister was ill
13:58yes um turned out to be not as serious as we first thought so yeah yeah women's problems
14:04typical quite a build-up i had to get out of the house in the end oh i thought she
14:07was never my face
14:07off i've got rock wire with lipstick busy there look i know you look amazing thank you sorry
14:15someone said the producer was coming is that oh it's massive yeah it's everything all right okay
14:20you're gorgeous look at you i wouldn't have thought to be that with that
14:30that's the same problem that got with the film it's just come out
14:38hi no no it was um elaine's idea originally he says that every time it was both of us
14:43it's usually true anyway it's it's it's it's modern retellings of the old stories we're going
14:48to make several of them it's going to be a little bit like kisloski's uh decalogue you know right
14:52yes i know well you know there's that one character watcher he's a fabulous character
14:56he's a fantastic character and have you read that uh kisloski on kisloski book but he wrote later that
15:00he was so upset that he left him out of two of the films because he really wished that he
15:04was he was
15:05there since fall three she'll put her uh do you want a drink i'm a friend of jackie's oh that's
15:10my
15:11round great um we're on champagne three glasses of champagne oh i'll just get a bottle oh yeah definitely
15:19anyway so
15:22what do you mean why have you not seen me alone no but have you done other productions
15:26that are you that are you that are you that are you that are you that should be an actress
15:30oh
15:30you should be a costume dress yeah i would imagine it would be a second
15:49hi yeah oh andy yeah oh cheers cheers just uh thinking of what you and ben are doing in this
15:56film wonderful oh it moved me so well thank you no thank you can i ask you something what's your
16:02inspiration well obviously the story oh yeah i mean in film terms probably something like the
16:09your film buff i adore film well and i'll tell you what i re-watched when we were planning this
16:13andre viage's war trilogy they're extraordinary aren't they yeah and i know ben's been watching
16:19and particularly in relation to the battle scenes a lot of kurosawa oh yeah particularly in relation to
16:24the kineticism of the mise-en-scene in the film yeah yeah i see yeah you're a fan generally yes
16:31japanese cinema oh definitely oh yeah yeah kurosawa's obviously a master yeah he's the number
16:37one yeah i suppose on my personal level i'm more a fan of hot seat me too but they're i
16:41think
16:42they're both they're both the big boys yes the aesthetic's completely different oh chalk and
16:45cheese but i'd love to lock the camera off so and the other one just lets it on yeah i
16:50mean it was
16:50lane actually who turned me on oh congratulations yeah i wasn't really a fan before really oh no no
16:56i'm sure you found these you say to someone do you like japanese cinema and they say no can't get
17:00into it boring oh you say well do you like the magnificent seven and they say yes oh yeah they
17:04like that well it's a remake of the seventh samurai oh yeah yeah oh yeah of course it is what
17:10they
17:10didn't know that oh seven's the clue i didn't just make that up yeah it really upsets me when everyone
17:14to love the seven samurai i love all the number films really seven samurai shows 11 dirty dozen
17:20which is about as many as i think you can have one screen at once but uh seven's perfect for
17:23me
17:23apologies for this but i don't really recognize you what what are you doing i mean i'm an actor
17:28yeah although at the moment i'm concentrating more on background work looking out towards getting a
17:33speaking role right in anything right so sorry to interrupt hi can i have a good word not no no
17:40it's a little bit busy yeah a little bit busy don't mind us we'll be here yeah okay all right
17:50i just wanted to let you know that john's gone on somewhere else and he's asked me to go with
17:53him
17:54fine i know but i just wanted to let you know because it was me that dragged you here you'd
17:57get all annoyed
17:58because i disappeared i'm fine i'm chatting that's great it is yeah but it doesn't bother you hey i know
18:07you're a deeply shallow person i thought the foot would be a problem what do you mean he's got one
18:11leg short and the other look he's wearing one of them big shoes oh my god you didn't notice that
18:16well no it was under the table wasn't it yeah i've had a big table no don't i didn't see
18:23oh look at him
18:23he's lovely he's a lovely man he's funny he's attractive look at him he's everybody loves him
18:27life and soul of the party certainly the soul oh come on if you're above it if you don't mind
18:33being
18:33known as maggie who's maggie maggie the girl who goes out with a fella with a big shoe that's fine
18:37but they can do something about it now can't they some doctor in china or something can do something
18:42about it that's the one thing they can't do anything about and give you a new face new heart
18:47new lungs new liver new anything but if you go to a doctor and you say oh doc i've got
18:50one leg
18:51slightly shorter than the other doesn't matter if you've got a million pounds they can send you
18:53to switzerland and all you're coming in with is a big shoe yeah well stop it that's fine if it's
18:59not
18:59a problem i'm not so shallow i can't see beyond fine beyond his thing i know you you'll get involved
19:04and it will be a problem all i'm saying is this don't wash off him tonight sleep on it if
19:07it's not
19:08a problem tomorrow give him a call good morning absolutely why wash into it now hey hi i'm ready to
19:17get
19:17going if you are now right now right now uh i don't think i can go right now oh right
19:25you said
19:26you fancied it just then yeah but just he just reminded me of something yeah just reminded her
19:30not i don't think i can go is it is it the leg
19:39is it the fact that i've got one leg shorter than the other
19:44oh i hadn't noticed yeah noticed
19:46you hadn't noticed that oh no i hadn't got us a big clumpy one
19:57don't say clumpy one it's like a big home and mustard oh don't see
20:05do they do these come in any other styles no do you have to buy a pair and throw them
20:08away
20:13it's been good talking to you just interested i've never seen a live one
20:17maybe i can fall tomorrow no no don't don't worry about it if you're in the trickles
20:25it was you it was my fault how was it my fault what that poor man all his life he's
20:31had to deal
20:31with people that are so shallow that they can't see beyond his foot thing and he's going to think
20:36i'm like that you are no i don't want him to know that well don't say herman munster
20:42just slipped out a bit more room oh we having a conversation earlier about films
21:00i was going to ask you about this film actually um are there any parts left to cast uh no
21:07i'm afraid
21:07not oh that's a shame john seems quite upset was he i thought you're getting on with him
21:14and you seem to be yeah but you don't want to see him because of his foot i didn't see
21:19that
21:19but it is though isn't it oh well it's her private life in it yeah i'm just saying that i
21:26think it's
21:26a shame that she obviously goes through life not liking anyone that's different than her that's
21:30that's not true she gets on with anyone tall thin black white yeah she's not poisonous
21:38who's yellow what well you were just listing racial types black white who's yellow
21:52it's what we call the chinese sometimes do we the chinese
21:57well one i'm american and two my parents are japanese not chinese oh yeah japanese chinese
22:04what do you mean japanese chinese both the same to you are they well yeah don't make me sound like
22:10a
22:10racist i don't happen to know the intricate differences between japanese and chinese people
22:14well there's a thing that they teach you at school no chinese japanese dirty knees what are these
22:22yes remember yeah he rings a bell um okay that's us cheers good night
22:29are you going yeah do you know why no guess because of the food no
22:41right i know i know the first second one okay so when i don't need to hear you know the
22:46story of how
22:47we got to this point i know what point we're at i'm just wondering when we can actually shoot it
22:52hey hi good news yeah i got your line really i talked to ben he said here you see journalists
22:59too don't go down there there are snipers down there don't go down there there's snipers down there
23:05what you're doing the accent that's brilliant okay excellent thanks cheers hold on sorry there's two
23:14journalists here journalists one and journalists two i'm journalist two but journalists one's got all
23:17the lines look him him him me snipers him him him i think i should do journalists too you know
23:23i think
23:24somebody else already doing that i know but we could we could swap i i'd be better i got you
23:29lying i
23:29know but i remember the vouchers i got you the vouchers didn't i put them towards the stop brilliant
23:34that look good looks really good have a word see if i could do journalists too he's busy yeah but
23:39he's
23:39always busy just get a get a quiet moment when he's not so busy tell them go back to one
23:45on this
23:45we got to work this out all right now crystal evan when you come around what igor igor okay igor
23:50when
23:50you knock her down don't ask her to come down you smack her in the back of the head right
23:53then you
23:53come around here and you jam it into her mouth no you can't put your hand up okay boom you
23:57jam her in
23:57the mouth okay break her jaw the first one boom second one nose okay and then she her jaw is
24:01broken
24:01she swallowed her teeth blood's coming out all right then you smack her again across the side breaking the neck
24:06all right can we do this again no go get came out okay i tried then yeah i need um
24:12i need to swap the
24:14lines what do you mean you need to swap the lines for my friend he wants to your friend no
24:19no i gave
24:19your friend a line yeah but i want him to have more you want him to have more you want
24:26to have more you
24:26want to have more lines yes i don't understand are you directing the movie or am i directing no but
24:31this is
24:32my story my memories my tribute to my dead wife oh would you stop going on about your fucking dead
24:41wife
24:42all right let's do another rehearsal right away please ben
24:56i'm sorry what uh what's your name um oh wait a minute i remember i don't give a
25:02shit get out of my face all right oh guys she's just worried about going just
25:09who are you nobody what's that who nobody that's right nobody yeah and who am i
25:22what's that supposed to be funny you tell me you're in it get off my set okay get off my
25:28set
25:30hey hey question do you know how much meat the fokker's made in its opening weekend
25:34no no you don't do you what do you think hmm take a wild guess
25:39what a million way off double it add six 46 three days 70 million five days 500 million worldwide
25:48number one movie in india right now well done bye nerd oh i'm a nerd yeah i'm a nerd i've
25:55i've kissed
25:56cameron diaz drew barrymore i uh i slapped jennifer aniston's butt in films still counts
26:09it still counts it still counts i did it i actually did it bring tea for the man's steak for
26:22the son
26:29heratio emma what are you doing here i couldn't bear to let you go without saying goodbye you shouldn't
26:35come emma people will talk let them talk i'm tired of hiding our love away i'm not ashamed of how
26:42i
26:42feel neither am i but we both know we shouldn't be together we shouldn't who says we shouldn't my
26:48conscience my conscience tells me everything i feel for you is wrong but my heart my heart says
26:57i can't live without you promise me you'll return i promise because if napoleon doesn't kill me
27:05then being away from you surely will
27:17cut yep brilliant thank you
27:20did you see me yeah definitely excellent we'll get out before that fat little extra gets his face in
27:25yep okay rest the guys in 10 minutes um that's straight yeah great and then we're moving on to 37
27:49yeah hey who are we using for the girl by the carriage uh we thought this one oh no no
27:54i said i needed
27:55some decent tits and they're um they're rubbish oh well i could i could maybe pad them up a bit
28:01or just sort
28:01like push them like could you use these bingo bingo these in half an hour after i've had a wee
28:07fitter with them i just need to squeeze them well work on them over lunch yeah yeah because at the
28:11moment they're just nothing okay good would you be able to just use these well no we made a decision
28:18to use mine so can we just go with these but if i just squeeze them off let's work
28:25you've got padding in the bottom of them can you could find some padding
28:32in his face and i'm saying he said he wanted to use my tips can we just go with my
28:35tits please
28:36i think meryl street went through a similar thing oh i know it's not important it is important it is
28:41important i remember laurence Olivier having a rant in richard third because they wanted to use
28:44stunt testicles and he said listen said these gonads are going to be seen because they went to rada
28:49you're either using the lord olivier plums or nothing at all next ah and what do you recommend my good
28:55man chicken is a walrus is it i love that then chicken
29:07your heart's not in this is it although one of your pubes is i see
29:13all straight in there like that no messing yeah it's not a pubes a dog hair it's all right it's
29:18not
29:18a pubes a dog hair everyone i i thought it was a pew it's not it's just a dog if
29:21you do get a hair
29:23in there he just gets out with his big sausage fingers i don't know why do this what all this
29:31oh
29:31we're cut before the fat bloke gets his face in shot it's just absolutely demeaning i don't know why i
29:36put myself through it because you're an actor this isn't acting getting your back of your head or your
29:40arm in a shot and bloody ross kemp in every scene he gets all the lines i mean why is
29:46he the star
29:46and not me there with the grace of god go i and it's just what well it's not quite well
29:51it's not
29:51just luck is it why not we're about the same age no he's younger than you no he's not we're
29:56about the
29:56same age is he yeah he looks a lot younger than you you're having a lot he hasn't got any
30:01hair well
30:02he's meant to look like that he shaved it all off it's like cool it's like vin diesel
30:07sorry are we looking at the same bloke have another look right looking there look he looks
30:11more like zippy from rainbow look at hello uh bungle um why are you doing the queen big bungle
30:18phil why'd you sleep with my wife look at him look like that
30:22vin diesel hasn't got a perfectly round little head that opens and shuts like pac-man look at
30:28you've got less chins in you as well one chin one chiny five years time he's still going to look
30:35pretty rugged you're just going to look like a pelican a pelican good nice one
30:44nothing well obviously him husband material could be and what are you basing on this time
30:50no no but look at him look at this whole dashing enhancement is green why do men not dress like
30:55that nowadays because they get beaten up on the tube
31:12all right all right great indeed i am good actually uh working across the way studio h
31:19big big one yeah doing a film with mr vinnie jones so uh actually just learning a few lines i've
31:26got to do with him late lines yes indeed well done so what's your part in this epic then
31:32are you fourth seaman from the left or uh hardly got something a bit more a bit meaty a bit
31:38more
31:38substantial you got a speaking part or no i'm just well no seriously how do you survive don't worry about
31:45it really digging into the savings not really the pile diminishes gotta get some work soon gotta get
31:51some work soon working all the time mate don't worry about it sort of how are you parents still uh
31:56sending your money oh yeah either that or i you know threaten to sign on and lo the check doth
32:02cubbeth in the post good keeps the wolf from the door how is the door of the house your parents
32:07bought here is that all right yes fine good look i've got lines to learn oh thanks going over and
32:11sharing that with me anyway seriously mate don't worry about it mate don't worry about it mate
32:16worry about yourself mate stiff upper lip yeah another cliches to numerous to mention mention them
32:20and then no i gotta go cheers mate cheers cheers not you
32:31tonight
32:50Excuse me, do you mind if I go in front of you please?
32:53What?
32:53Can I go before you?
32:55Why?
32:55I've got a little bit of a stomach upset.
32:58Okay.
33:04I think she wants to go in front of you.
33:06She's got diarrhoea.
33:08Don't want it exploding everywhere.
33:10Let's see.
33:28So you're looking.
33:30I thought I'd better get it out of the way.
33:32Yeah.
33:34It is me.
33:36Hi.
33:36I'm Andy.
33:38How you doing?
33:38Oh.
33:39Sorry, did that hurt?
33:40Nice.
33:41Good.
33:41Good, because I was worried I might have hurt you.
33:43But anyway, it's strength sometimes.
33:44Well, if I had meant to hurt you, you wouldn't have any ribs left.
33:46So you got off lightly.
33:48Let's leave it there.
33:50Okay?
33:52You know, I love playing military parts.
33:55Yeah.
33:56Well, as you know, I was in the SAS.
33:58No.
33:59I knew you did that TV show about the SAS.
34:02Yeah, but how did I know how to do all that shit in it?
34:06I assumed you were consultants and stuff.
34:08Well, if that's what you believe, then that's what you believe.
34:10All right, I wasn't in the SAS for about six months, and they didn't say it, Ross.
34:14Why didn't you give up this acting lark?
34:15We could really do with you in Afghanistan.
34:18Did they?
34:18Couldn't say.
34:19Couldn't say.
34:20All I know is, if I do get into a fight, I better have an escape route, because I don't
34:23want to go to prison for murder.
34:25Because that's what it would be.
34:27Because my body is a lethal weapon.
34:30And me?
34:30In prison?
34:31A place like this?
34:33Pretty boy.
34:35I'd be in the shower just lardering up.
34:37A couple of guys would come in wanting a bit of camp arse.
34:40I'd see them in the mirror and...
34:45What I'm saying is, you'd best not get into a fight with me.
34:49Sure.
34:53Or a conversation.
35:01What do you do?
35:01I mean, when you're not doing this, what's your day job?
35:03Work in a pub.
35:05What about you?
35:06I do this full-time.
35:08I'm an actor.
35:08You do this full-time?
35:09Yeah.
35:11Like most actors, I act full-time.
35:13Yeah, but this isn't really acting, is it?
35:14I mean, this is extra work.
35:15Well, supporting artists work, innit?
35:18But this is just pocket money.
35:20I'm actually an actor.
35:21Right.
35:22I was going to say, because you can't really make a living from being an extra.
35:25No.
35:25No, but he used to have a proper job.
35:27He used to...
35:28So he owns his own house, doesn't have to pay a mortgage.
35:30So he can afford to live on a pittance.
35:32But I don't live on a pittance, do I?
35:34People pay me to act.
35:35Oh, yeah.
35:36I mean, you say you're an actor.
35:37Yeah, I do.
35:37But what have you actually acted in?
35:39I've appeared...
35:39I mean, proper acting.
35:40Not walking in the background.
35:41I mean, actually speaking.
35:43I...
35:43I know.
35:43No.
35:45Well.
35:47What, you want me to...?
35:48Yeah.
35:48OK.
35:51My Family, Robert Lindsay sitcom.
35:52Really?
35:53Yeah.
35:53It was just a thing I was seeing on the bus and the bus night were coming along and he
35:57went,
35:58tickets please, and I just went, yeah, sure, no problem.
36:00Did you?
36:02Yes.
36:03That was luck.
36:04Yeah.
36:04Yeah.
36:05He just comes along and he goes, tickets please, and I go, no problem, mate.
36:08There you go.
36:08So if I got that episode and watched it, that's what I'd see you say.
36:10Sure, no problem.
36:11Well, I was...
36:12Yeah.
36:12It's when...
36:13Well, I didn't...
36:15What was that?
36:16What's the line?
36:17What's the problem?
36:18Well, what is the line?
36:19The conductor wants the ticket.
36:19I'm showing him it.
36:20And what are you saying?
36:23He asks for my ticket.
36:24Yeah.
36:24And I go...
36:26I didn't...
36:26I can't hear what you're saying there.
36:27No, let's do it.
36:28Let's do it like it is actually on the screen.
36:30I'll be the bus driver.
36:31OK.
36:31And you...
36:32Just be you.
36:32All right.
36:33Tickets, please.
36:33Can I see your tickets, please?
36:36I can't hear anything.
36:37No-one can hear anything.
36:38Years ago.
36:39But you see, that's not proper acting.
36:41Oh, what is it then?
36:42Well, I can tell you what acting is.
36:43I can tell you what I've acted in to show you what I mean if you want.
36:45Not interested.
36:46Move on.
36:46And I'm talking proper speaking parts in Emmerdale, Silent Witness.
36:50Silent Witness?
36:51Silent Witness.
36:52I was a narc in The Bill.
36:54That was a recurring character.
36:56That was three episodes.
36:57And really good lines of dialogue.
36:59You haven't even been in The Bill, have you?
37:01I don't want to be in The Bill.
37:02You haven't even been in The Bill?
37:03Listen, I don't want to be in The Bill.
37:05Have you ever been in Casualty?
37:06Yeah.
37:07The TV show Casualty.
37:08Oh, well, no.
37:10But...
37:10No.
37:15Uh-uh.
37:27Right.
37:28This is the deal.
37:29You've been my agent now for, what, five years?
37:32And you're not getting me any real acting work?
37:35Nothing's coming in.
37:36Nothing's coming in in five years?
37:37That's the problem.
37:38I know.
37:38I'm as annoyed as you are.
37:39But, you know, I'm not sure there's a demand for, you know, little 45-year-old blokes.
37:4343?
37:44Whatever.
37:45You know, I just, I wonder, are you sure you want to be an actor?
37:47You know, you've given it five years.
37:48Nothing's coming.
37:49Maybe it's time to just throw in the towel.
37:52My agent, ladies and gentlemen.
37:53What?
37:54My agent.
37:54You know, I'm not...
37:55Hello, mate.
37:56All right?
37:56Oh, yeah.
37:57Sorry to interrupt you.
37:57It's all right.
37:57Did you know Barry?
37:59All right, sure.
37:59How's it going?
38:00I'm working with a friend of yours at the moment, actually.
38:01Ross Kemp.
38:03How is he?
38:03Yeah, good.
38:04I wouldn't mention Ross's name round here.
38:05Ross is sort of mud with Barry.
38:07Because it was Ross that persuaded Barry to leave his standards.
38:10Ross leaves, he goes to ITV, says it's a million pounds or nothing.
38:13They give him a million pound contract.
38:14So I go to ITV with Barry, say we want a million pounds or nothing.
38:17They chose nothing.
38:18Yeah, they went with the nothing option that time, didn't they?
38:22And you were upset when you were depressed.
38:24Couldn't get out of bed for about two weeks.
38:25I was livid.
38:26And looking back, what I should have done is I shouldn't have given them the nothing option.
38:28I should have gone in there, I should have said, you know, we want a million pounds
38:30or we want, you know, 500 pounds.
38:32And that way we'd have definitely got something.
38:34500 pounds?
38:35Exactly.
38:35This is it.
38:36But live and learn, don't you?
38:38This isn't live and learn, is it?
38:39Come on, Barry.
38:39Don't start out again, mate.
38:40I've got loads of stuff for you here.
38:41Why what?
38:43Well, there's a light flickering and the gents upstairs, have a look at that.
38:45Could you have a tinker with that?
38:46Yeah, I could do that.
38:47It's just the beginning.
38:48Could I use your computer later?
38:49I've just got to get the old new CV knocked up, the new phone.
38:51Yeah, yeah, yeah.
38:52Knock yourself out then.
38:53Well, see you.
38:54Cheers.
38:54All right then.
38:55Cheers, B.
39:00Sorry, the reason I'm here is I want to know what your plan of action is.
39:03What's your strategy?
39:04What is your business plan?
39:05Well, my plan is when you get some work, then I can start making some money.
39:08Because what I'm no good at is, you know, breaking an act.
39:10Oh, so when I'm successful you can detect twelve and a half percent, no problem?
39:13Fifteen for adverts.
39:14That's what I'm hanging on for.
39:15Yeah?
39:16I just want someone to call up and give me an advert.
39:18That would be amazing.
39:19That would be brilliant.
39:19Okay.
39:20Make sure the phone's on the hook then.
39:22You joke about it.
39:22It was unplugged for two days.
39:24No one noticed.
39:29The man does not know where to start.
39:32Okay?
39:33This is my CV that he's sending out to people.
39:35I mean, casting agents, producers.
39:37He typed it himself.
39:38Okay.
39:39From 1986 to 1999, Andy Millman worked at the Nat West in Wokenham.
39:45Andy left this comfortable, adequately paid job to try and become an actor, despite his
39:49age, weight and looks.
39:51Andy claims to be a great actor, but has not yet had the chance to prove it, because so
39:55far he's had no offers except extra work, which as you know, is pointless and badly paid.
40:01Acting is Andy's dream.
40:03If you can make that dream come true, please, please call.
40:06I mean, it's like he's writing to Jim will fix it.
40:08Aw.
40:08You have to fire him.
40:10I can't fire him, can I?
40:11I can't bear to see his stupid little face.
40:13He'd be devastated.
40:14It's your career.
40:15I know.
40:15I know.
40:16What are you going to do?
40:17I mean, you'll have to find all your own work.
40:19Yeah.
40:20Having a dog and barking yourself springs to mind.
40:22Start today.
40:24Start now.
40:24Go up to the director and ask him for a line.
40:26Ross Kemp.
40:27You've spoken to Ross Kemp, haven't you?
40:29Yeah.
40:29Go up to Ross Kemp and ask him for a line.
40:31Just say to him, I thought you were brilliant in EastEnders.
40:34Ultimate Force.
40:35Loved you in Spandau Ballet.
40:37What?
40:37Spandau Ballet.
40:38He wasn't in Spandau Ballet.
40:41That was Martin Kemp.
40:42Martin Kemp was in EastEnders in Spandau Ballet.
40:44Who is this one?
40:45Ross Kemp.
40:46Are they not brothers?
40:47No.
40:50It was Martin Kemp and Gary Kemp were the brothers.
40:52Who is this one?
40:53Ross Kemp.
40:54Who is his brother?
40:56I don't know if he's got a brother.
40:57Yes, he does.
40:57He's got that little bald one with a pink face that looks like him.
41:01Phil Mitchell.
41:02Hmm.
41:03His on-screen brother.
41:04Phil and Grant Mitchell.
41:05But they're not really brothers.
41:06Yes, they are.
41:07They're the Mitchell brothers.
41:09What do you mean, the Mitchell brothers?
41:11You know his name's Ross Kemp.
41:16What bit's confusing you?
41:18The brothers.
41:21The brothers.
41:23What?
41:25Is that confusing you too?
41:26Do you think we've landed in the future?
41:28Shut your face.
41:30You see, this is why I can never go and speak to that guy.
41:33Because I'm not smart enough for him.
41:36He's an intellectual.
41:37How do you know he's an intellectual?
41:39We've never even spoken to him.
41:40Well, he reads the big papers.
41:41Oh, the big papers.
41:42Sure.
41:43See, it's always the same, right?
41:45If a bloke is really smart, I just always worry that I'm not clever enough for him.
41:48He's going to want to talk about politics or whatever and I don't know what to say.
41:52It's like one time I went out with this bloke and we were in the pub and we were playing
41:55the quiz machine and it was for a fiver.
41:57And the question came up, who discovered America?
42:00And I just panicked and I said, Columbo.
42:03Oh, see you're laughing because I'm stupid.
42:06No, it's an easy mistake to make.
42:07They sound the same.
42:08What did I thought?
42:09You should just go and talk to him.
42:11He's pink?
42:11Yeah.
42:12I don't know why he's so shy.
42:13Just go and talk to him.
42:29You yefty.
42:30Hi.
42:32Oh, hi.
42:35NASDAQ, you twat.
42:36What are you like?
42:37Play the markets, do you?
42:38Oh, yeah.
42:40How's it going?
42:41Any tips?
42:43Buy high.
42:44Buy low.
42:45Buy low.
42:46Buy low.
42:47Buy low.
42:47Sell high.
42:51What are you reading?
42:52I had Sam Frank Kamau's book on Shakespeare.
42:54Oh.
42:55It's for my new PhD.
42:56Shakespeare, eh?
42:58Bloody genius, him.
43:01Midsummer Night's Dream.
43:03Bottom.
43:04How is your diarrhoea?
43:05Fine.
43:05It's good.
43:06I'm going to get a coffee, I think.
43:08OK.
43:08I've got to go and call my broker anyway.
43:10All right.
43:11I was going to ask if you wanted to get one.
43:12Definitely.
43:13He's not there anyway, is he?
43:14We're on holiday.
43:25Hiya.
43:27Oh.
43:29They're making a film over there with Vinnie Jones.
43:32What's he doing making a film?
43:34I mean, he's a bloody footballer.
43:37Look at the size of those lights.
43:39You reckon they're big lights?
43:40If I wanted big lights, I could have big lights.
43:43Oh.
43:43I just don't want big lights.
43:44I want small lights, if anything.
43:49I know an old colleague of yours, actually.
43:52Sean Williamson.
43:53Sean?
43:54Barry off EastEnders.
43:55Oh, Barry, yeah.
43:56Yeah.
43:56We've got the same agent, because I'm actually a real actor.
43:59I'm just not just an extra.
44:02So if there was a line going in this, just a little bit of dialogue would be great for me,
44:06because, as I say, I'm a proper actor.
44:09He'll love you better than him.
44:10I mean, he's a bloody footballer.
44:11He's good at what he does, isn't he?
44:12The old hard man thing, I suppose.
44:14Because he actually is in real life, so.
44:16You reckon?
44:16You think he's a tough guy?
44:18I'd like to see him come at me with all that I'm a hard bastard stuff.
44:21I'd say, put the baseball bat down.
44:23It's just you and me.
44:25Skin on skin.
44:27Stripped to the waist.
44:28To the death.
44:30I'm trained.
44:31He starts with me.
44:33I will destroy him.
44:38Okay.
44:40Well, as I say, if you could put a word in, I could just do a line.
44:43Yeah, yeah.
44:44I'll sort that out for you.
44:45No problem.
44:45No problem.
44:46Really?
44:50Cheers.
44:51I'll see you later.
44:58I tell you, if there's a hag, a washerwoman, toothless wench to be had, it'll be me.
45:04I'm never the one that gets to wear the taffeta dress.
45:06It's not fair.
45:07I haven't padded you up.
45:08That's actually me.
45:10Look, I was going to ask.
45:11It doesn't seem pushy, but was I to go for a meal?
45:14Yeah, I'm starving.
45:16Oh, not right now.
45:17I thought maybe later.
45:18Yeah.
45:19No, absolutely.
45:20Yeah.
45:21Oh, I'd love to.
45:22Good.
45:23Okay, then.
45:32Okay.
45:40What are you doing here?
45:41You still scavenging the bins for food, eh?
45:44No.
45:44No need.
45:45Bloody waiting on a scene about Eddie Ross Kemp.
45:48He asked me personally, so.
45:49Good, though.
45:52Yeah, well done.
45:55Not a shame it's any telly, but, you know.
45:56Not really.
45:57It's something.
45:58I mean, keep at it.
45:59You might make it into the films.
46:00Yeah.
46:01What I wouldn't do is do a film with Vinnie Jones who's a footballer, but that's all right.
46:05Well, he'd say he's a footballer, but he's still been in films, hasn't he?
46:08You know, with John Travolta and Nicolas Cage.
46:10Yeah.
46:11Why do you get paid for that?
46:12You know Ross got a million pounds to go to ITV.
46:16Yeah.
46:17Yeah.
46:17Pretend to be a hard man.
46:18Not really.
46:19Unlike Vinnie, real life hard man.
46:21Hmm.
46:22Yeah.
46:23On a serious note, Ross explained to me that Ross was trained by the S.A.X.
46:29and said if Vinnie Jones tried his antics on with him, he'd rip him apart.
46:34So you might want to warn him that.
46:35He said that.
46:36Yeah.
46:37I'm not just doing shit.
46:37Just warn him.
46:38I don't want to see him get hurt.
46:39I don't care about him.
46:39I don't want to see him get hurt.
46:40Whatever.
46:41I've said my bit, so.
46:43I've got to go.
46:44I'll see you later.
46:45See you later, mate.
46:52You've done so much.
46:54Not really.
46:55I'm probably a bit older than you.
46:57How old are you?
46:5834.
46:59Yeah.
47:00Well, I'm actually older than you, but thank you very much.
47:03You don't look at me.
47:04I thought you were in your twenties.
47:05You never did you?
47:06Oh, God.
47:08I'm not.
47:13Anything you fancy?
47:14Possibly.
47:16Men on the men.
47:17Kind of more.
47:28What have you been saying?
47:29About what?
47:30Why am I hearing that Vinnie Jones is looking for me and he wants to batter me?
47:33I haven't said anything.
47:34How does he know I've been slagging him off?
47:36Who have you been speaking to?
47:37No one.
47:38You're not scared of him, are you?
47:40No.
47:41Not with what I could do to him.
47:43With your SAS stuff and that, yeah.
47:45Do you know what that stands for?
47:47SAS?
47:48Special Air Service.
47:50What?
47:52Special Air Service, isn't it?
47:54Doesn't stand for that.
47:56Doesn't it?
47:58I've talked to actual SAS people.
47:59They've told me what it stands for.
48:01What does it stand for, then?
48:04Super Army Soldiers.
48:10You sure?
48:11Yeah.
48:12I mean, actual SAS people have told me that.
48:14The actual guys themselves, and they should know.
48:17They don't wind you up?
48:18They wouldn't do that to one of their own.
48:22No.
48:23I thought it stood for Special Air Services, honestly.
48:26Special Air Services?
48:27I mean, that sounds like FedEx or something, doesn't it?
48:29Registered delivery or whatever.
48:30Do you think a postman needs arms like these?
48:33No.
48:33That I get these muscles, lifting jiffy bells?
48:39Definitely not.
48:41If Vinnie Jones comes near me, looking for a fight, I will unleash hell.
48:52Well, that was fun.
48:59Yeah, absolutely.
49:00Do you want to come in for a cup of tea?
49:02I'd love to.
49:03Okay.
49:03Right.
49:05Right.
49:07Just go through.
49:09And I was not looking.
49:12It was content to speak to me.
49:15It's not chocolate.
49:15It's kind of fine.
49:17And it's ironic to be back.
49:22And again.
49:24Come on, love, you're like a dead horse.
49:26Put a bit of minge around it.
49:29Okay.
49:34I headbutted a horse once.
49:36It must have really annoyed you.
49:37Ken!
49:39Alright, Vinnie, how's it going?
49:40Never mind, you're alright, Vinnie.
49:42How's it going, bullocks?
49:43What have you been saying?
49:44What are you talking about?
49:45What's all this I've been hearing?
49:47Some shit about you think you're harder than me.
49:49Where have you heard this?
49:50Some extra I've been doing a scene with said he heard it over here.
49:54You've been trying to impress the extras by telling them you're harder than me.
49:57I haven't said anything.
49:59You think you're well hard, don't you?
50:01Are you hard?
50:03No.
50:03No, you're not.
50:05And if I hear you slack me off any more, I'll come over here and I'll show you what really
50:10hard is.
50:10Do you know what really hard is?
50:12Beating me up, isn't it?
50:14Yeah.
50:15Do you know what really hard is?
50:16Beating me up, isn't it?
50:17Like that.
50:17Gigging in the bollocks.
50:18No need to be specific.
50:19All right.
50:21This is the final warning.
50:25Come on.
50:43What?
50:43Nothing.
50:48Why don't you use your SAS stuff on him?
50:50Because I don't know him.
50:52Well, you don't know Kung Fu and all the lethal moves, no?
50:55No.
50:58Why did you say you did?
51:00What do I say I can hold my breath in the water for three and a half minutes?
51:03I can't.
51:05I panic in water, if anything.
51:08I can't get you a line either, if that's why you're still here.
51:11Really?
51:12I haven't got any power around here.
51:14I've told people I've got a line and everything.
51:16I'm sorry.
51:17I'm sorry.
51:19Don't worry about it.
51:22Every job I do, I get bullied.
51:24Bullied?
51:26People calling me names in there.
51:29It doesn't stop soon.
51:30I think I'm just going to finish it.
51:32End it all.
51:34Do what I thought I'd never do.
51:36Suicide?
51:37No.
51:39Go to family affairs.
51:40I've had an offer.
51:42There's no bullying at family affairs.
51:44They're really nice people.
51:46Sure.
51:48All I want to do is act.
51:51And you're good?
51:53Am I?
51:56Yeah, of course you are.
51:59Put your arm.
52:00There's a...
52:02Look at that.
52:03Looks brilliant.
52:05Hair and everything.
52:05Yeah?
52:07Oh, look at all these.
52:10All that...
52:11It's shiny, isn't it?
52:20Bring tea for...
52:22Till a man's steak...