- 2 days ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:04Tick-tock alarm clock, I'm gonna be late
00:06Corritch toast, kids can't let me speak it
00:09Back to door, what a chore, another week's craft
00:12And 50 tons a day I hear
00:13You have another?
00:14Whatever happened to my dreams, is this the life I chose
00:17The highlight of my running day is when the whistle blows
00:21When the whistle blows
00:24When the whistle blows
00:27Oh, I don't like the sound of that
00:29What's up with you?
00:30There's a story here about the Brazilian rowing team
00:33They were practising on Amazon and it's full of piranha fish
00:37And they capsized
00:38Says in paper, they were in danger of having their cocks eaten
00:43Why would piranhas go for the cocks first?
00:47It doesn't mean what you think
00:49A cock is a little fella who sits back at boat shouting stroke
00:54If I were a piranha, I'd draw the line at eating cocks
00:57It doesn't mean they're co-
00:59Oh, you don't get it, do you?
01:00I don't get it
01:01I know you don't get it
01:03Why, what would you go for first if you were piranha?
01:06I'd probably just have a bag of crisps
01:08Are you having a laugh?
01:10Is he having a laugh?
01:11He'd definitely be interested in her film, yeah
01:13Who else is in it?
01:15Fellow who played who?
01:17Harry Potter
01:18I've never heard of him
01:21Little magical kid with glasses
01:22You know Andy's in his 40s
01:23Do you?
01:24That's
01:24Oh, they've got someone for him
01:26Okay
01:28And how much would you be paying him?
01:32You've got more money than sense, mate
01:35Now I'm his agent, yeah
01:37Do you know I met a bloke once who said he'd love to take me up the Amazon
01:42What did you say?
01:43I said, alright, as long as you're paying
01:47What did he say?
01:48Well, he was a bit shocked, to be honest
01:49Not surprised
01:50Nah, not shocked as when I told him I'd only do it if we could take lots of photos to
01:54show me mum
01:55Oh, I've finished
02:08Knockity knock knock
02:09Hello
02:11Alright, great show, brilliant show tonight, very, very funny
02:13Yeah
02:14What was your favourite bit?
02:16You didn't watch it, did you?
02:17It's not my cup of tea, to be honest, if I'm being truthful
02:19It's not my thing, I can't get up with it
02:20I'd like to talk some business
02:21How do you fancy three days with Billy Piper?
02:24Three days with Billy Piper?
02:25Good money, you'd be in and out
02:27What are you talking about?
02:28Billy Piper, a little magical kid with glasses
02:30Do you mean Harry Potter?
02:33Yes
02:33Who did I say?
02:34Billy Piper
02:35I've heard of him, who's he?
02:36She!
02:37She's an actress
02:38She's in Doctor Who
02:39Do you watch television?
02:41I watch television
02:42I've just bought myself a brand new 52-inch plasma TV set
02:4652?
02:46That's way too big for your flat
02:47It is too big, I don't know what I was thinking
02:49It's too bright
02:49I was wiring it up
02:51And David Dickinson came on
02:52And his tan nearly took me eyeballs out
02:53I'm all over the place
02:54I've got headaches
02:55I've got it in a box now
02:56I'm just watching a little portable
02:59You don't want to buy a TV, do you?
03:01How much to pay for it?
03:02Three and a half grand
03:03What would you say to me for?
03:05Three and a half grand
03:05Face value
03:06Obviously not
03:07I just want to
03:07No, you've got to give me a discount
03:09It's second hand
03:10Fifteen hundred quid
03:10That's an insult
03:11I would rather smash it up
03:12Than give it to you for fifteen hundred quid
03:14That is pathetic
03:14Alright
03:15This project, go on
03:16Well yeah
03:17Big British movie
03:18Lots of stars
03:18Dame Diana Riggs in it
03:19All sorts of people
03:20I know you want to get into movies
03:21So this could be a good in
03:22Plus I checked with them straight away
03:24I said
03:24Will he still get paid
03:25Even if his performance is crap
03:26They said yes
03:27So it's a win-win for us
03:28You didn't ask him that
03:29Well yeah, because obviously
03:29I was worried that if you got the gig
03:30And then they saw the sitcom
03:31They might fire you
03:32But they've already seen the show
03:33So
03:34Oh, they've seen the show
03:35Because they're in the business
03:36And they watch television
03:37They're, yeah
03:38I wonder if they want to buy a TV
03:39Don't ask me if they want to buy a TV
03:40Right, call them and say yes
03:42I'm interested
03:42And get Maggie some extra work on it
03:44I don't want to spend three days
03:45With loads of acts
03:46I don't know
03:47Nightmare
03:47Call them now
03:48Well, I'll call them later
03:49No, no, call them now
03:50Well, I'll call them outside
03:51Call them in here
03:52No, you know, I just don't
03:53I don't want to call them in front of you
03:55Don't ask me if they want to buy a TV
03:56Oh, I may as well do it in here then
04:01Ridiculous
04:11So what scene are we starting with?
04:13I'm starting with one for
04:13Just one for one
04:15So Andy, this is Warwick
04:16Oh, hi
04:17Nice to meet you
04:18Good to meet you
04:18This is my fiancée, Claire
04:19Hi
04:20Hi
04:23So, do you know your lines?
04:25I've only got two
04:26You sure all this food's definitely free?
04:28Yes
04:28This is my agent
04:29Darren Lamb
04:30Nice to meet you
04:30Hi
04:31This is Warwick
04:32Where are you?
04:33There
04:34Oh, midget
04:34I know
04:36Babe, I'm going to have some coffees
04:37All right
04:37Okay
04:39What was your name, sorry?
04:40It's Warwick
04:40Warwick
04:41Funny little name as well, to match
04:44Sorry, Andy, can I just
04:45Show me where you can be standing
04:46Yes
04:47Take a sec
04:48Don't
04:48Yeah
04:54Are those your own clothes?
04:56Er
04:58No
04:58No?
04:59No
05:00Where do you get your normal clothes from?
05:01I mean, what are they?
05:01Are they children's clothes?
05:02Or are they toy clothes?
05:03How does it work?
05:03You know, I mean, like your shoes, for instance
05:05Would they be like a little toy bear's booties?
05:06You know what I mean?
05:07Like you sometimes see it like a toy monkey or something
05:08Yeah
05:08And it has little trainers on
05:09Would you just have a pair of them for yourself?
05:10No
05:10No
05:11They're a specialist shops
05:12And I do a lot of internet shops
05:13Internet
05:13That makes sense
05:14That's clever
05:17Could I fit in your house?
05:18Would that
05:19How would it work?
05:20What have you been talking about?
05:21Yeah, you're talking about the internet and stuff
05:23Yeah, this would be a laugh
05:24Imagine if I followed him home to his tiny little house, right
05:26And as he goes up to bed, right
05:27I just put my face up against the window
05:28Just like Godzilla
05:28Just going
05:29Freaking him out or whatever
05:30Or reaching in through the window
05:31Like King Kong
05:32Trying to
05:32What are you doing?
05:33I'm just having a chat with him
05:34Why are you still here?
05:35I'm having a chat with him
05:35Well, we've got to learn our lines
05:37All right
05:38See you later
05:43Agent
05:44Idiot
05:57Wood Elf
05:58Why do you cry?
06:01Know as I might
06:02My flute makes no sound
06:05Without my music
06:06The birds cannot sing their morning song
06:11May I take a look?
06:13Certainly, but
06:14I don't know what a boy can do
06:16Especially one dressed so
06:19Strangely
06:27Try it now
06:37Oh, sweet music is born again
06:40But I am curious
06:42How did you know you'd need such an implement?
06:46Always be prepared
06:53Okay, cut there
06:54Thank you
06:55Check the gate
06:57Can I get a drink of water?
06:58Are you married?
07:03Yes
07:05Now don't stop me
07:07A ring don't mean a thing
07:15This Geoffrey?
07:17Er, yeah
07:20How are you doing?
07:26Okay
07:27Oh God, I've still got these on
07:29I don't need these
07:30They're just for the character
07:31Even if I did need glass in real life
07:33You know, I never read
07:36Right
07:40Oh
07:42Hey
07:43What?
07:45Fags
07:47Yeah
07:50You smoke, do you?
07:52Me?
07:52Oh yeah, just a little bit
07:53Here
07:54You?
07:55No
07:56No, no, no
07:57Good girl, good girl
07:57Very wise
07:58I've got to cut down really
08:03I've done it with a girl
08:04What?
08:05I've done it with a girl
08:06Intercourse wise
08:08So if you're looking for
08:09Daniel
08:10Here's my mum
08:11Say they're your fags
08:14What are you doing?
08:15Nothing
08:15She's trying to give me fags
08:16What?
08:17No, I'm not
08:18You should know better
08:18You're old enough to be his mother
08:19Yeah
08:20And she was trying to have it off with me
08:21Well, of course she was
08:22She bloody gorgeous
08:23Come on, you
08:42Makes me sick
08:43What?
08:44These showbiz dwarves
08:46Who use their powers to get women out of their league
08:48Who, what?
08:49No, Paul Daniels
08:52Here
08:53If she's into short men
08:55You could be in with a chance
08:56I'm not short
08:56Yeah, you are
08:57No, I'm not
08:58No, no
08:58Five foot eight
08:59Every try
08:59Well, average in your day
09:01My day?
09:01One of the sixties
09:02Early sixties
09:03Quite earlier
09:031960?
09:04No
09:051961
09:08That'd be why you didn't grow
09:09I did grow
09:10With all the powdered egg
09:11And the rationing and everything
09:13That was the war
09:14Yeah, well, whatever
09:15Do you know what?
09:16You've got a small man complex
09:18What's that?
09:19You're bad tempered
09:20You're grumpy
09:20You want power and people to respect you
09:23Oh, like that little famous person
09:25What's his name?
09:26Begins with an N
09:28Napoleon
09:28Noel Edmonds
09:30I'm not sure
09:31I'm average height
09:32And that's the
09:33I can see how it is upsetting for you
09:34Because there's him
09:35He's even smaller than you
09:36Because I'm not small
09:37He's getting all these attractive and beautiful women
09:40We all are
09:40But you're getting nothing
09:41Well, no way
09:42I'm getting them
09:43Well, it was the one that looked like Ronnie Corbett
09:45Oh
09:45And we know why you went for her
09:47Why?
09:47Because she could look her in the eye
09:50It's not a competition
09:51It's not like she saw us both
09:53And went, oh, I love the short one
09:54Is that you or him?
09:55Him
09:55See, there's the temper
09:57I'm saying
09:58If she'd have met us both at the same time
10:00We don't know who she'd have chosen
10:01I think I know
10:05Who she'd have chosen
10:06Who?
10:07Huh?
10:08I don't want to say
10:09It would be so arrogant
10:10I don't want to
10:11But if she was single
10:12When she met us both
10:13Yeah
10:14Yeah
10:15Tell me
10:16Oh, just think
10:18I'm thinking
10:19Your own thoughts
10:20Stay out of mine
10:26You're stodgy
10:27Honestly, I'm sick of this
10:28Can we go something nice tonight?
10:30My treat, but a proper restaurant
10:31Yeah?
10:32Yeah
10:35Hey, gang, what are we doing?
10:36Just been eating
10:38Yeah, yeah, sweet
10:39Look, thanks for covering my arse earlier
10:41The offer still stands
10:43What offer?
10:45Yeah
10:50I'm just gonna go and get a drink, does Andy?
10:51Want anything?
10:52I'll have a cup of tea
10:52Yeah, get me a bourbon, would you, babe?
10:54Well, I think it's mostly just teas and coffees
10:55Oh, yeah, then
10:56Get me a cup of joe, would you?
10:57And make it strong
10:57I don't like the weak shit
10:58Oh
11:03Look, when she comes back, right, mate
11:04Some excuse to leave us alone, will you?
11:07What have you got planned?
11:13You
11:14You unravelled it
11:15Ready for action
11:17Let's hope it's bigger
11:25Can I have my Johnny back?
11:28May I have my Johnny back?
11:30May I have my Johnny back?
11:31Please
11:32Yeah
11:34It's not called a Johnny, though, is it?
11:36Purex?
11:37No, that's a brand name
11:38May I have back my prophylactic
11:41Or sheath
11:42May I have my prophylactic
11:46Tick
11:46Tick
11:47But prophylactic
11:48Can I have it, please?
11:51Yes
11:55Excuse me
11:55Haven't you forgotten something?
11:58Oh, thank you
11:59Thank Diana
12:03Still easier?
12:04Yeah, that'll be fine
12:05Lefty girl
12:07Yeah, that'll be fine
12:09I'll try
12:09Yes
12:20Hi
12:26You're getting married too?
12:28Yeah
12:28Yes
12:30That's really nice of you
12:33It's really nice of me
12:34Yeah
12:35Well, me and my friend Andy
12:36Andy Millman
12:37Were talking
12:38And he was surprised
12:40That you had chosen someone
12:41Like Warwick
12:43Over, well
12:44Someone
12:45Someone like him
12:46Who's
12:46You only like small people
12:49I don't like him because he's small
12:51I like him because he has a nice personality
12:52Oh, well that's a good thing
12:53Because Andy
12:55Was just saying
12:55That if you didn't mind someone
12:56Who's a little bit taller
12:57Then he's up for it
13:01Sorry, so
13:02Your friend is so arrogant
13:03He thinks he just has to give the word
13:04And I would immediately leave my fiancé for him
13:07Because he's taller
13:09Do you understand how offensive that is?
13:12Yeah
13:13It's a bit out of order, isn't it?
13:15It's out of order
13:17He shouldn't really have said that, should he?
13:18No, he shouldn't have said that
13:25Yes
13:26This is all right, isn't it?
13:28Share the wealth
13:30Yeah
13:32Kids are doing well, don't they?
13:33It's a lovely place, though, eh?
13:35A bit depressing, though
13:36Why?
13:37Well, you know, I'm with you in a nice place
13:39Instead of a proper man
13:41None taken
13:42No, I mean like on a date
13:44The only person with money that finds me attractive
13:46Is a teenage boy
13:47Could be worse
13:48He's a film star
13:49He's got his own condom
13:50What?
13:51No
13:51Excuse me
13:52Hi, and now this isn't really
13:55Could I please get your autograph?
13:56Yeah, sure
13:56Thanks
13:57Who is it?
13:58Um, to Emma
13:59No worries?
14:00Yes
14:00You can do me a favour, actually
14:01Can you tell that woman to shut her kid up?
14:03It's doing my head in
14:06Cheers
14:07Thanks
14:09I never get used to that
14:09Why does someone want your name on a piece of paper?
14:12I know, I'll be a bit weird
14:16She's told them it's you
14:18She's coming over
14:22Excuse me
14:22I understand you have a problem with me bringing my son into a restaurant
14:25If he's like that, yes
14:26Andy
14:27What do you mean, like that?
14:28Well, why should we be burdened?
14:30Andy, don't
14:31Sorry, you think that just because you're on TV you can order the rest of the world around?
14:34It's nothing to do with that
14:35But, you know, if he's going to make that sort of noise, I mean, it's a restaurant, for God's sake
14:39Well, it's not my fault, is it?
14:40Well, it is your fault, you decided to have him
14:42Of course I decided to have him
14:43Andy
14:44You'll be pleased to know we're about to leave anyway
14:46So, I hope you have a wonderful evening
14:49And that you realise you're a horrible little man
14:51Oh, no, I didn't realise
14:59I didn't realise
15:00I was trying to tell you
15:01Oh, why didn't you say something?
15:03I was trying to tell you
15:03Oh, yeah
15:09Oh
15:09Oh
15:16Hello, Andy, how's it going, mate?
15:18Cool, mate
15:18I was just passing, I want to clear up all this nonsense about you having a go at Down syndrome,
15:22people
15:22About what?
15:23I've had this woman come to us saying that you were having a go at her kiddies or Downs and
15:26that
15:26Sorry, you're a journalist?
15:27Huh?
15:27Are you a journalist?
15:28Sort of, mate, yeah, just for real, I was just trying to turn this round for you to get the
15:30truth out there, if you may
15:31So, what happened? The Down syndrome's making a rack here, you turned him to shut up, suddenly his mum's up
15:34here
15:34I didn't tell him to shut up
15:35I didn't tell anyone to shut up
15:36Your friend has gone mad, didn't he? Can't say anything anymore
15:38Well
15:38Is that yes?
15:39No
15:40Yeah
15:40I didn't know he was Down syndrome for a start
15:42So, you're in a restaurant with your girlfriend?
15:43She's not my girlfriend
15:44Yeah, but she's a girl, is she a friend?
15:45Yeah
15:45Well, I put girlfriend for sake of this girlfriend, I put for sake of shorthand
15:49Well, why is my girlfriend?
15:50And you were in there and you heard a noise and it was driving you mad?
15:52Well, he was
15:52You can't say mad nowadays, can you?
15:53Well, he was making a noise and I got a little bit
15:56Mad? You got mad? The man kid was driving you mad?
15:57No, I wouldn't say that
15:58You can't say he's mad nowadays, can you? All mental
15:59Well, I wouldn't say he was
16:01Can you make it clear I didn't know he was Down syndrome?
16:03I will, I will
16:03Write that down
16:05Are you actually writing anything now?
16:06Yeah, yeah
16:07So, you complained the mum came over, she went nuts?
16:09Well, she was agitating
16:10So, she went mad?
16:11So, you could say she was going madder than her son?
16:13Well, I wouldn't say that
16:13So, would you say she was going mental?
16:15No, I wouldn't say that
16:15So, you might say mental?
16:16Well, no, I wouldn't say that
16:16Can't say anything nowadays, can you?
16:18Well, I wouldn't say mental, you can't
16:19I would, I've got to go
16:19Cheers, I hope she has got everything I need
16:23In a shocking outburst that will stun comedy fans everywhere, so-called TV funny man Andy Millman lost his temper
16:29and blasted a Down syndrome child for supposedly ruining his dinner at a £100 a head restaurant
16:34£100 a head?
16:35Well, it was about £80 between us, but wrong
16:37£200 for a meal for two people?
16:39I'm sorry, that makes me sick
16:40Millman had been glugging red wine with his girlfriend
16:42Oh, I'm pissed
16:43No, I'd had one drink
16:44Did you glug it, though?
16:45Did I what?
16:46It says here you glugged it
16:47I don't know what glugging is
16:49Gah, gah, gah
16:50Never glug, always sip a lovely wine, never glug it
16:52Can we stop saying glug?
16:54And I wasn't even drinking red wine, Maggie was drinking red wine, I had a beer
16:57Millman had been glugging red wine and let off a tirade of abuse at the innocent child and his stunned
17:02mother, who he claimed was as mad as her son
17:05I didn't say that
17:05Well, someone did
17:06Says Mum, Maureen Wilson, I used to be a fan of Andy's, but after his torrent of hate, if he
17:10thinks I'll ever watch his programme again, he's having a laugh
17:14She used the old catchphrase against you, stitched you up there, it's clever, it's witty
17:17Yeah, as if she ever said that, as if she's making little jokes because she's that angry, she didn't say
17:21that
17:23Sorry, what can we do about this? Can we sue?
17:25I don't think it's worth it
17:26I mean, this sort of thing's tomorrow's fish and chip paper, isn't it?
17:28Not that he's having fish and chips anymore, eh? 200 quid for a minute
17:30I'd have trouble doing 200 quid in a chip, wouldn't he?
17:31Certainly
17:32I didn't spend 200 quid
17:33It says 230 in this one
17:35Lies
17:35No, it does
17:36No, I don't mean you're lying, I mean they're lying
17:38They make stuff up, don't they?
17:40I don't know about that
17:41You've never heard of a paper making stuff up?
17:44Of course they do
17:45They made stuff up about you two
17:46When they said you went into the EastEnders bosses to beg for his job back and you're on your knees
17:50and then you burst into tears
17:52They made that up?
17:55Yep
17:55Aye
17:57Yeah
17:59Bullshit
18:01I guess only time will tell, anything else?
18:04Well, let's move to this story about the actor Andy Millman
18:07Who's he?
18:08He's that guy, you know, he does the, is he having a laugh?
18:10Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
18:11Okay, well, he's in a restaurant and he's insulted a Down syndrome boy
18:14Both mother and son are completely devastated because it was, it was an unprovoked attack
18:18Did he hit him?
18:20Well, it doesn't say, if he did strike the boy, then he deserves to be banned from television
18:27So have you heard about this?
18:28TV actor Andy Millman has hit a Down syndrome child
18:32Today we're asking our celebrities out of control
18:35Is it one rule for us and another for the rich and famous?
18:39Tony's on the line, what do you make of this Millman character?
18:41What can you say Nick? It's disgusting, absolutely disgusting
18:44I mean, excuse my friends, but I think it's a shit
18:46No, you're excused in this case because I think you're right
18:49You know, I don't normally tolerate foul language on the air
18:51But what else can you say about this piece of work?
18:54Well, the thing is, I heard he also hit the mother
18:55He punched her in the face
18:56He punched the mother
18:58Oh my God
18:59Tony, thank you
19:00That gives a whole fresh new life to the story
19:02Coming up today
19:03What made rising star Andy Millman punch a defenceless Down syndrome child
19:07And his elderly wheelchair bound mother in the face?
19:10Denise Robertson will be here to speculate
19:12Plus, Rwanda revisited 12 years after the genocide
19:15A harrowing report from Big Brother 2 winner Brian Darling
19:20Andy, quick, come here, come here
19:21Guys, thanks for having me
19:23Look, look
19:23Oh, what the...
19:25Thank you so much indeed for having me on
19:26And it's great to just be able to...
19:27Well, it's great to be able to clear the air
19:28You know, because I know there's been a lot of press speculation and so on
19:29What's he doing?
19:30Well, yeah, no, I spoke to Andy
19:32And he's explained everything to me
19:33And the truth is this
19:34He is successful now
19:35And he wanted to go to a classy restaurant
19:37You know, as I'm sure you sometimes wanted yourself
19:39Sure
19:40As he said to me, you know
19:42He's got some cash now
19:43He does not want to have to associate with riff-raff
19:45And why should he?
19:46So he's gone in this posh restaurant with his friend
19:48And there is a mother in there with her kid
19:50And her kid's making a load of noise, a little racket, you know
19:52And it's just...
19:53It's ruining it for everyone, you know
19:54And he's obviously furious, Andy
19:55Because he's paying through the nose for this grub
19:58I mean, it's silly money
19:59And so he complains to the mother
20:01And they get into this ruck
20:02And the thing is, he didn't realise that the kid was, you know, mentally deranged
20:08Or whatever, because he could only see him from behind
20:09And I defy anyone to be able to identify from behind, you know, one of these mongoloids
20:15I'm sorry, a mongoloid?
20:17Yeah, no, I mean, if you had a bunch of people lined up over there
20:19And, you know, one of them was a mongoloid
20:21And they had their backs to you
20:22I defy anyone to be able to tell which one it was
20:24I think I could
20:26Well, big words, Richard, but I don't think you could
20:28I'm sorry, I think I could
20:30Look, can we try and sort that out for tomorrow?
20:32You know, just get a few in
20:33Can we do that?
20:33I don't think we can do that, Richard
20:34Oh, come on, Judy, let's see
20:36It'd be interesting, let's try it out
20:37It would be interesting
20:38Darren, thank you very much
20:39Before I go, actually
20:40Do you remember Barry off EastEnders?
20:42Yes
20:43Do you remember Barry?
20:43Well, he's recorded a CD
20:45Did it in his garage
20:47And it's only available on the internet
20:48It's Barry singing songs from the show
20:50He's got a wonderful, he's got a lovely voice, Richard, really
20:51Yeah, yeah, yeah
20:52And the great thing about it is
20:53Well, that sorted that out
20:54At least I've got the best man on it
20:55Because I said to him, I said, you know
20:56If you say something's for charity
20:58It doesn't matter if it's a little tapped
20:59Go straight to the top of the charts
21:00And then, of course
21:01Yeah, can I have the Sun newspaper, please?
21:05Um, OK, thanks, everyone
21:07Um, now, Dougie, I asked your mum
21:10What's the one thing you'd most like in the whole world?
21:13And she said an Xbox
21:14Is that right?
21:15Yes
21:16OK, so what have we got here, then?
21:18Good, thank you
21:22Do you apologise, then, Andy?
21:23That wasn't a case of apology
21:24It was a misunderstanding
21:25So, no apology necessary
21:26The Xbox is apology enough
21:28Well, it's not an apology
21:29But, you know
21:30And you're happy with that, then?
21:31Yeah, thank you
21:32Very happy
21:33Andy, can I just say as well
21:34There's a further apology
21:35There's not an apology
21:35Well, I've been talking to Maureen
21:37And we both agree it would be appropriate
21:38For Andy to donate
21:39To a charity of Maureen's choosing
21:40His entire fee
21:42For the film that he's currently working on
21:43After agency deductions
21:44Well, that's very generous
21:46It's a lovely surprise
21:47It is a surprise
21:49Big surprise
21:50Yeah
22:11Hi
22:12Oh, hiya
22:14Hi
22:15Well, you know who I am
22:16What's your name?
22:18Hello
22:18Hello
22:19My name's Claire
22:20Claire
22:21You've got a lovely necklace on, Claire
22:22Thank you
22:23That's so nice
22:24Thanks
22:26Do you fancy dinner?
22:29Are you free tonight?
22:30I'm not actually
22:31No
22:31No, I'm engaged
22:33Well, that's lunch tomorrow
22:34No, thank you
22:35No, I won't
22:36I won't go out for any meal
22:37With you
22:38Yeah
22:39Not even brunch?
22:42No, not even brunch
22:50Hey Maggie
22:50Hey Maggie
22:51Listen
22:52I'm gonna cut to the chase
22:54Because I respect you too much to bullshit you
22:56It's over
22:57Yeah?
22:59Sorry?
22:59It's over between us
23:00I don't want tears
23:01That's the kind of guy I am
23:02You knew that going in
23:03I just think it's better we end things now
23:04Before you fall in love with me any deeper
23:07You knew it wasn't forever
23:08I said it was playtime
23:09We had some laughs
23:09But I cannot be tied down to one chick
23:13Okay
23:15I don't want to waste this on you
23:17I've got a better bird now
23:20Well, thanks for your honesty
23:29Something to remember me by
23:30You brushed your teeth today?
23:31Yes
23:31Yes, that was...
23:32Oi Radcliffe
23:33What?
23:35What have you been up to?
23:36Nothing
23:36Don't lie
23:37Don't lie
23:37You've been chatting at my fiancée
23:39She's just told me
23:41Mum?
23:41Don't call for your mum
23:42You were chatting at my bird
23:43So act like a man
23:44And deal with the consequences
23:45I was just...
23:46I was just...
23:47You specky little git
23:49These aren't real glasses
23:50You're a specky git
23:51Do you leave him alone?
23:51He's just a boy
23:52I'm 17
23:53What's this got to do with you?
23:54Well what is it?
23:55He's doing nothing, isn't he?
23:56Don't stick your big nose in love
23:57Alright
23:58Calm down
23:59Oh you
23:59I'm glad you're here
24:00Because you had the same idea
24:01What?
24:01Well I know you sent your little mate in here
24:03To do your dirty work for you
24:05Trying to undermine me
24:06What have you done?
24:08What have you done?
24:08You think it's okay, do you?
24:10Trying to steal my fiancée?
24:11Right, okay
24:12I don't know what you're doing
24:12You shit!
24:13What are you doing?
24:14What are you doing?
24:15What do you think I've got this ring for?
24:16I don't know, you're a hobbit
24:17You fact shit
24:18I don't know what the rules are
24:19In a minute
24:20That usually works in cartoons
24:22What are you doing mate?
24:24Oh!
24:25Oh!
24:25Oh no, no, no, no, no
24:26No, no, no
24:27No, no, no, no
24:28No, no, no, no, no
24:30Accidental...
24:31Me
24:32Wait, wait, wait
24:32What are you doing?
24:33Lucky shot
24:34What have you done?
24:34He was going mad at me
24:35And so the face...
24:36Babe, babe, babe, babe
24:36Sweetheart, Warwick, Warwick
24:38He's not
24:39Warwick
24:40He's breathing
24:40Oh, sorry
24:41He's breathing
24:42Warwick, you all right?
24:44Sweetheart
24:44Have you still got that cat suit from the Avengers?
24:46What happened?
24:47Go away, Daniel
24:49Let his eyes open
24:49Right, okay, let's move on now
24:52Remember that charity that you promised to give half of your film fee to?
24:55You mean the charity you promised to give half my film fee to?
24:57Well, that we agreed to give some money to.
24:58Well, they're basically quite keen to get all of the cash.
25:00Well, yeah, but I was kicked off the film. There is no fee.
25:02Yeah, but they're expecting the money, aren't they? We've got to give it to them.
25:04Well, they don't know what the fee was for the film, do they?
25:06They do. They do. Because, um, I mentioned it to them.
25:10What, I've got to give them wages I haven't even earned?
25:11Well, it's OK, because we can just pay them the money we owe them from the money we get for
25:14the sitcom.
25:14How much is it?
25:15It's about half.
25:16Half an episode?
25:17Well, half the whole series.
25:18I've got to give them half my wages for the entire series.
25:20It's not my fault. You're the one who insulted the kid with the...
25:22I didn't insult the guy. I didn't know he was...
25:23Well, you must have upset him in some way, because you made it into the papers.
25:25Oh.
25:26Actually, talking to the papers, you've made quite a splash again,
25:28but annoyingly, they didn't sort of go with the giving the kid an Xbox angle.
25:31What did they go with?
25:32Um, TV bully kicks dwarfing face.
25:35Accurate. But, as you say, there's no such thing as bad publicity.
25:38Pick on someone your own size fatty.
25:40Oh, maybe there is.
25:41This is the worst one. Suicide bombers get lotto funding.
25:45Look at that. What's that got to do, mate?
25:47Well, nothing. It's just shocking, eh?
25:49What are they up to?
25:51Oh, no, actually, what am I talking about? This is the worst one in the mail.
25:54Gypsies are eating our pets.
25:56Have your child die of thirst? Or dysentery?
26:00That's not a choice that you or I have to make, is it?
26:02But one in five people don't have access to clean drinking water.
26:05Every day, millions of people have to drink the only water available to them,
26:08and they run the risk of dying.
26:10You can help put an end to that terrible risk by pledging just five pounds.
26:15Please help.
26:16Cut.
26:17Is that right?
26:18That was fantastic.
26:18I'll put it in.
26:19My pleasure.
26:20Thank you so much. That was so wonderful.
26:21Chris.
26:21Hi.
26:22Hello.
26:23How are you?
26:23What's this for today?
26:24It's for people in the third world who don't have clean drinking.
26:27The screen.
26:27Hmm?
26:28You're going to project anything on there?
26:29Oh, I don't know yet. I'm not quite sure.
26:31Okay, because we have an album coming out, Greatest Hits.
26:34Maybe just put a picture of the album cover on it.
26:36Oh, I...
26:37Just simple.
26:37I think probably if we're going to project anything,
26:39we'll show sort of pictures of people dying because of a lack of clean water.
26:42Could they be holding the album?
26:44Not really, no.
26:46I think that might be a bit inappropriate, perhaps.
26:49I presume at some point you can have some footage of these people
26:52walking around looking sad, miserable.
26:54What about some music?
26:55Check this out.
27:01Is that one of yours?
27:02Yeah, yeah, Trouble.
27:05Just say at the bottom,
27:06this is available, Coldplay, Greatest Hits.
27:08Yeah, I'm just not quite sure what's going to happen yet.
27:10So easy.
27:11All right, all right, okay.
27:13Now, where do you want me to stand?
27:14Just there.
27:14Okay.
27:20Hey, I know you.
27:22You all right?
27:23Oh, yeah, I'm having a laugh!
27:25Are you having a laugh, yeah?
27:26Yeah.
27:26I could come on your show.
27:28What's your audience?
27:28Five or six million?
27:29That'd be fab!
27:30Well, I don't know.
27:31I just think it's a bit weird to celebrate.
27:32It's just popping up in a sitcom, you know what I mean?
27:34It'd be good.
27:35I could play myself.
27:36Right.
27:36What will Chris Martin be doing?
27:37Visiting a factory in Wigan?
27:38I don't know.
27:39You work it out.
27:40We will.
27:40We won't.
27:41When do you shoot?
27:42Thursdays, but...
27:42I can't do Thursdays.
27:43Oh, never mind.
27:44Okay.
27:44I can do Wednesdays.
27:45We can move it.
27:46We can't move it, can we?
27:46No, we can.
27:47Well...
27:47Move it.
27:48I love it.
27:48Yeah.
27:48Can we get on with this?
27:50I've got to do AIDS and Alzheimer's and landmines this afternoon, and I want to get back for
27:53deal or no deal.
27:54Plus, Gwyneth's making drumsticks.
28:01Do some bloody work.
28:03What's up with you lot?
28:04We're depressed, Mr Stokes.
28:05Why?
28:06Radio's broken, Mr Stokes.
28:07Statistics prove that workers are much more productive with musical accompaniment.
28:13You're having a laugh?
28:14Is he having a laugh?
28:18Oh, we can't work without music.
28:21Can't work without music?
28:22Who are you?
28:22Seven bloody dwarfs?
28:24You'll just have to buy it.
28:26So, no, though, what?
28:26Hey, people.
28:27I'm not made of money, and we've spent budget for the year, so...
28:30I don't know what we're going to do.
28:33Maybe I can help.
28:35I don't believe it.
28:36It's only Chris Martin from Coldplay.
28:41Chris, what are you doing here in a factory in Wigan?
28:44It's mental.
28:45Well, Ray, I'm just in the area to promote our new album, Coldplay, The Greatest Hits.
28:50And I thought I'd pop on over and say hello.
28:52Right.
28:53When's that due out?
28:54It's coming out on the 17th of this month, and it's going to be really great.
28:57Oh, fantastic.
28:58Well, this is going to sound absolutely ridiculous, but do you mind performing a song for us?
29:03Are you having a laugh?
29:15When you try your best, but you don't succeed
29:21When you get what you want, but not what you need
29:27When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
29:31Stuck in rivers
29:41The lights will guide you home
29:48And ignite your bones
29:54And I will try
29:58To fix you
30:11This week, when the whistle blows sunk even lower in its desperate attempts to appeal
30:15To as many of the great unwashed as possible by roping in the services of rock star Chris Martin
30:19Whose inexplicable appearance was the latest attempt by Andy Millman to shamelessly prop up his lame duck of a sitcom
30:25I told you
30:26I told everyone
30:27Why did I let people convince me?
30:29Calm down
30:30Muffin?
30:31No
30:32Have a lovely bit of muffin
30:33I don't want any
30:34Do you mind if I have a little bit of muffin?
30:37No
30:37Thank you
30:39Baron?
30:40Yo
30:40I'm having the muffin
30:41I've come through
30:42Why is this an event?
30:43He's exciting
30:45Hi
30:46Andy
30:47Hi Sean
30:48Lovely bit of muffin
30:49Hello you
30:50Mmm
30:51Mmm
30:52Lovely
30:53Why is he eating it like that?
30:54Yeah, why are you eating it like that?
30:56Me hands, I've been cleaned out of toilets, I've got no glove
30:58You
30:58You shook my hand when you came in
31:01It's politeness, isn't it?
31:03Just being polite
31:04We are celebrating with that lovely bit of muffin
31:05What would be the best news you could get today?
31:07You're going full time at the Carphone Warehouse
31:09I don't work at the Carphone Warehouse anymore
31:10Well, I do Saturday mornings while Narinda's pregnant
31:12Alright
31:13Now, what news could you get that would mean you've finally got the critical respect you've been looking for?
31:16I don't know, BBC One comedy with catchphrases and stupid wigs filmed in front of a live studio audience of
31:20morons is suddenly considered cool
31:23That's never gonna happen, is it?
31:24Now, you've been nominated for a BAFTA, Best Comedy Performance
31:31Really?
31:32Not gonna win, though
31:33Some of classiness will win
31:34No, no, because I was thinking the same
31:35And then I was looking down the list of nominees
31:37And it's all crap this year, so you've got as good a chance as anyone
31:40Cheers
31:41More good news as well
31:42I had a call from a toy manufacturer
31:44And they're quite keen to put out a Ray doll for Christmas
31:46You know, when you sort of press a button and it goes, are you having a laugh?
31:48Who's gonna buy that?
31:49Same people who watch your show, you know
31:51Thick kids and their thick parents and, you know, thick
31:53Yeah, thick people like Eddie, the thick demographic, that's what I'm going for
31:55Don't slag them off, because those people spend a fortune on this sort of tat
31:58And ringtones as well
31:59Oh, that crazy frog made millions
32:01Yeah
32:03Where is he now?
32:07Probably working on a follow-up album, I'd have thought
32:09Or trying to crack Japan
32:10Not bad for a frog, though, is it?
32:11He's very good for a frog, Barry, if you don't mind me saying
32:13I'd have thought he's probably the second richest frog in the world after Kermit
32:16Kermit?
32:17Yeah
32:17Was his nephew Robin?
32:18Oh, Robin was good
32:19Looks set to take over the Empire for a while, didn't he?
32:21Oh, yeah, he was a very good actor and singer
32:22Halfway up the stairs
32:23Good song
32:26I've never been to an awards ceremony before
32:27Nor have I
32:28Think there'll be photographers there?
32:30Probably
32:31What if I fall or dribble something down the front?
32:34What, are you a toddler?
32:35Oh, there's some nice frogs in here
32:36Come on in, have a look, I'll choose something
32:38No, I'll wait out here
33:06What is this one?
33:07That's 2,500 pounds
33:10That's a bit much
33:10Yes
33:14Are there any of these that are...
33:16They're so very expensive
33:17I don't think you can afford anything
33:20How do you know what I can afford?
33:24No, just a hunch
33:26A hunch? You're a hunch
33:28Hmm?
33:29Nothing
33:40Nothing in there?
33:41No, nothing
33:42Come on, let's go
33:42Oh, where are we going now?
33:43Just anywhere else
33:45What exactly are you looking for?
33:46I'm looking for a place where people aren't quite as rude
33:48Who was rude?
33:49Her in there
33:51What happened?
33:51She just looked at me like I shouldn't be there
33:53Like I was a piece of dirt
33:56Come on
33:57Oh no, no
34:08Come on
34:13Good day
34:14My friend here was looking for a dress
34:15I wondered if we could help her with that gold card then
34:19I'm sure we can
34:20Mmm, good
34:20I think she was looking at this one
34:23Oh, wonderful
34:23How much is that?
34:252,500 pounds
34:282,500 pounds?
34:30Do you want that?
34:31Yeah
34:33If you don't want it, don't have it
34:35No, I want it
34:37Definitely afford it
34:38It's just a matter of...
34:39Is it the right dress?
34:41Yes
34:45Could we, could we bring it back?
34:47If there's something wrong with it
34:47Say after this coming Sunday
34:48No, we don't do refunds
34:50No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
34:51But if it didn't fit
34:52Well, she should try it on
34:53I know, but what if she got fat?
34:54By Sunday
34:55No
34:55What if the...
34:57Oh, the stitch in there was to be pulled apart slightly
34:59Pulled apart?
35:00Just came apart
35:01Just normal wear and tear
35:03The sweat rot under the old armpit
35:07Cut through the old stitches
35:10Could be...
35:11Let's make absolutely sure, okay?
35:13Always good to be sure
35:14Sorry about this
35:15You're not thinking
35:16No
35:17I'm going to ask you a question now
35:18Consider the answer, okay?
35:21Do you really want me to spend 2,500 pounds on that dress?
35:26Yes
35:27She does
35:28Oh, come on
35:29We've all learnt a lesson today
35:35The chance it won't fit
35:38It's not even tax deductible
35:42Do you do...
35:44Celebrity discount?
35:46I don't know who she is
35:47She's nobody
35:48You're having a laugh?
35:50No, we don't do discount
35:51No
35:52Not you having a laugh
35:53Watch this and comprehend
35:54Oh, you're having a laugh?
35:57Does nobody know?
35:58Is she having a laugh?
36:00Do you know her?
36:01Oh, yeah, you're from that sitcom
36:02Correct
36:02What, any good?
36:04Not really
36:05It's a bit broad
36:06Realise on cat races and funny wigs
36:08Sorry, did I ask for a critique?
36:09It's like coming down to the store and saying you haven't swept up right, mate
36:11Unbelievable
36:12So you don't do celebrity discount?
36:14No
36:14Not 1%, couldn't give me 1%
36:16Oh, okay, I'll do your 1% discount
36:19What's that?
36:20On 2,500, 25 pounds
36:23Not worth it
36:24I'd rather you stuck it on, if anything
36:27Well, shall we just leave it as it is?
36:33That's your Christmas and birthday
36:34You're okay
36:36Never have spent that much
36:43Those are 600 pounds
36:45They're very expensive
36:45That's not what I was laughing
36:46I was laughing they weren't expensive enough in a way
36:48That's what tickled me when I first saw the 600
36:50What do you think?
36:55Do you think it's all right?
36:57Yeah
36:59Can I get it?
37:01Yep
37:24Andy
37:24Andy
37:25Andy
37:25Will you win tonight?
37:27Oh, it's just flattering to be nominated
37:28Is that your girlfriend?
37:29No, no, no, no
37:30Alright
37:30Well, always tell journalists the truth and let them change the facts later
37:33And who are you wearing?
37:35Maggie
37:36No, no
37:37Who are you wearing?
37:38Maggie Jacobs
37:38No, whose dress is that?
37:40Mine
37:41Ah, okay, thank you
37:42She won a competition
37:43Don't speak to anyone else tonight
37:44Not even to me
37:45Dale!
37:46Dale!
37:47Stanley, Dale!
37:51Toby Anstis
37:53Have you ever eaten a worm?
37:55I don't even know what a worm is
37:57There's an R in it
37:58You should pronounce it
37:59Worm
38:00Old girlfriend
38:01Oh, God
38:02Shall we?
38:03Andy
38:03Hi
38:03Hi
38:04You alright?
38:05Yeah, I'm good, thanks
38:06You've done well
38:07Yeah, all downhill from here
38:14We've, um
38:15What's that?
38:16Um
38:17What?
38:18Are you BAFTA tonight?
38:19You, uh
38:20Well, yeah
38:21As part of the
38:22The whole
38:23Oh
38:23Good luck with
38:24Um
38:25Yeah, thanks, thanks
38:27And good luck to you
38:28Absolutely
38:29Yeah
38:30It's a bit the, um
38:31No, we should
38:33I'll
38:33Yeah, um
38:34See you later
38:34Okay, good luck with the, um
38:36Thanks
38:37Good to, uh
38:38Good luck
38:38See you later
38:39Cheers
38:42Who was that?
38:43The most boring woman in the world
38:44Really?
38:45Yeah
38:45How do you know her?
38:46I went out with her for a while
38:47When I was an extra on Holby City
38:48And then she dumped you?
38:50No, I dumped her
38:50You dumped her?
38:52Yes
38:52Really?
38:53Yes, it does happen
38:54When was this?
38:55A couple of years ago
38:55Was that before or after you lost your virginity to the one that looked like Ronnie Corbett?
38:59After, obviously
39:00It was two years ago
39:01What, so you lost your virginity a long time ago then, didn't you?
39:04I'm in my forties
39:05I know, but when?
39:05A long time ago
39:06Exactly
39:06What age were you?
39:08No
39:08What?
39:08Sixteen?
39:10Seventeen?
39:12Were you older than that?
39:13Aww, what?
39:14It's all these questions
39:15I lost my virginity
39:15Full stop
39:17Why were you attracted to Ronnie Corbett?
39:19I wasn't attracted to Ronnie Corbett
39:20She just happened to look like Ronnie Corbett
39:22It was the bank's Christmas do
39:23I was drunk, alright?
39:25The bank's Christmas do?
39:27But you didn't start working until you were 28
39:28Where were you, Columbo?
39:31Leave it
39:34Ladies and gentlemen
39:36Please welcome to the stage
39:38Davina McCall
39:49Good evening and welcome to the British Academy Television Awards
39:53And in front of me
39:54Are a whole host of understandably anxious stars
39:57Wondering whether they're going to walk away with
39:59That most coveted of awards
40:01The BAFTA mask
40:03Now, to our first category this evening
40:05It is the Lou Gray
40:06I also want to thank our inspiring and bossy bossy
40:14The BAFTA goes to
40:15Oh! My favourite
40:16Jamie's Prison Dinners
40:17Thanks to a terrific production team
40:19You weren't a production team
40:20You were family
40:20And thanks for everything in newspapers
40:22Our TV newsrooms have to remain
40:25Impartial
40:26At least theoretically
40:29The winner is
40:30The woman who gave birth to herself
40:33But right in my eye line
40:35On all fours
40:37Like a dog
40:38The BAFTA goes to
40:39South Bank show
40:41Dick and Dom special
40:52Oh!
40:53What was that?
40:54Right?
40:55Nothing all right here?
40:56Um, we could do with some more wine please waiter
41:00Comedy gold
41:01Absolute comedy gold
41:02Thank you
41:03Love it
41:04No, actually here in an official capacity
41:06Oh yeah
41:07One of the best drama nomination
41:10For Paul Abbott's Cock of the North
41:13Imagine you saw it
41:14I didn't
41:15I had quite a large part
41:16It was uh
41:17It was good
41:17You know, best drama
41:18The Holy Grail
41:20As it were
41:20Of BAFTAs
41:21Um
41:22But you're
41:23Of course
41:23You're here with your sitcom
41:25Yep
41:26Oh good luck
41:27Yeah
41:28And you mate
41:28Indeed
41:29Well it deserves
41:29You know
41:29I understand it's very popular
41:31Yeah, yeah
41:32Good luck mate
41:32In the
41:33Yes, well I'll uh
41:34I'll get back
41:35See that
41:35Drama crowd
41:36As it were
41:37Yeah
41:38But uh
41:39Catch you later
41:40She's right
41:41On the air live in 45 seconds and counting
41:45Many of you at home
41:46And in this room
41:48Probably don't recognise Len Shearman
41:50But you certainly recognise his work
41:53Len was one of the most influential
41:55And passionate drama producers
41:57In the history of television
41:58She's right
41:59And in an industry famous called
42:01Backpacking
42:03He's your gentleman
42:04He's your gentleman
42:04If I need a question for
42:05Sorry
42:07Hello
42:07Alright
42:09Ah
42:09Ffff
42:10Ffff
42:12Sorry I'm a bit late
42:13Are you uh
42:13Shut up
42:14Richard Bryan
42:17I uh
42:18I was a bit late
42:19Cause I was
42:19Just waiting for this
42:20Which is the uh
42:20Prototype of the
42:21Prototype of the Raider
42:22I don't care
42:23There he is
42:30Who's gonna find out
42:31Like I said before
42:32Stupid people
42:32Yeah
42:32Who are these stupid people?
42:34That is brilliant
42:34Can you buy them?
42:35It's good innit
42:36You will be able to buy them
42:39What are you doing?
42:42I was with Len
42:44Is he having a lot?
42:45Only a few days before the end
42:46Is he having a lot?
42:47Is he having a lot?
42:48And he didn't have long
42:50Is he having a lot?
42:51Is he having a lot?
43:00Just take the papers out
43:02Are you having a lot?
43:05Is he having a lot?
43:12Take a lot when aoni's
43:20Oh, tacky shit.
43:39Oh dear.
43:41I think it's going to.
44:00Oh, hello. Andy's friend, Maggie. Hi. Yeah. Didn't introduce us so. Hello. Nice to meet you.
44:09God, you two used to go out. For about ten minutes. Why did he let you go? Look at you
44:13all lovely.
44:14Oh, thanks. Bit of a catch for him. A man that didn't lose his virginity until he was 28 and
44:19that was to a woman that would let Ronnie Corbett.
44:22God, what did you say to him when he said he couldn't go out with you anymore because he thought
44:27you were boring?
44:32He said it was because I was boring?
44:38Hmm? He told me it was because he'd just come out of a long-term relationship. He wasn't ready for
44:42something else.
44:45Not boring. He didn't say that you were boring. I think he said that the bath thing, the ceremony, all
44:50the clapping was probably going to be boring.
44:53Because, um...
45:06Coming up, we have the prestigious BAFTA Fellowship, but first, the award for comedy performance.
45:12So, please, will you all welcome Harry Hill?
45:25Commiserations again, Andy. I know, wouldn't we? I'm not in it for the awards anyway. Why don't I?
45:28Still, it's nice to have some recognition from one's peers, isn't it?
45:31Listen, it's not really my business, but have you considered doing something without a laughter track? I think they're considered
45:36rather old-fashioned.
45:37You know, if you want to pick up one of these old gongs. Not bothered, as I say. Not in
45:41it for the awards.
45:42Also, I don't know, wigs and silly glasses? A bit undignified for men of our age, did you think?
45:46I don't think of the same age, but cheers.
45:47Looks a bit desperate. That's all I'm saying.
45:50Oh, I don't feel desperate. As I say, it's a knock about comedy. I'm not into high art.
45:54Ah, yes, but as Oscar Wilde so wonderfully put it, we're all in the gutter, but some of us are
45:58looking at the stars.
46:00He was probably in that men's trousers the old club. Sorry? He was looking at the stars, yeah?
46:07Yes, that's right. And I must have looked at some stars myself right now.
46:10You're seeing stars in a minute. What? Nothing. Why do you keep coming back in?
46:20Andy. What are you doing? Come in here. It's all kicking off in here.
46:23I'm not coming in there, no. Come in here. What are you doing? What?
46:27What's going on? Who's that?
46:33Oh, hi. How are you doing, Owen?
46:37Yeah. He's one of us, don't worry. I'm not into this.
46:40No, it's all right. Just have a little bit there. He'll just cheer you up a bit.
46:42No, no, no. What's going on in there?
46:46I'm just finishing up. Excuse me for five minutes.
46:48What are you doing, Owen's voice?
46:49How many people are in there? One.
46:53That's a different voice. Two, including the woman that you just heard.
46:56Okay, open the door.
47:02Right, let me explain, okay? I was just in here, and I was leaving, and he put his, that's my
47:06agent.
47:07Darren Lamb, nice to meet you.
47:08You shouldn't say your name, never tell him your name.
47:10Well, don't.
47:14Well, he didn't know who.
47:21It was your fault.
47:22Why was it my fault?
47:23Well, because they saw your head over the cubicle door.
47:26They saw your head under the cubicle door, but there's no point in arguing amongst ourselves.
47:29Well, well, well, the three stooges.
47:34Sorry, it's something funny.
47:35Your joke was...
47:36Shut up.
47:38Corbett.
47:40It's always bloody Corbett.
47:42So I expected him.
47:44But you, you're the new kid on the block, aren't you?
47:46I mean, how do you fall in with this crap?
47:50Is this it, or is there any more?
47:57Just a bit of whiz, you know, to blow away the cobwebs.
47:59Hand it over.
48:02Where'd you get it?
48:04I don't remember.
48:05Now, don't piss me off.
48:06How did you get it?
48:08I don't remember.
48:10Is it Morris Stewart?
48:13I can't say.
48:15No, we don't want you.
48:17Just give us a name.
48:18You can walk free.
48:19You don't get it, mate, do you?
48:20I don't remember.
48:22All right, here's something you will remember.
48:24You're banned from BAFTA.
48:25You can never win a BAFTA now.
48:27What? Me as well?
48:28Yeah, all of you.
48:28Oh.
48:29You can never attend any of our varied events.
48:31You can't come to the film BAFTAs.
48:33You can't come to the TV BAFTAs.
48:35You can't even come to the children's BAFTAs.
48:37What about the Welsh BAFTAs?
48:38Well, would you attend the Welsh BAFTAs if you were asked?
48:41Probably.
48:43Okay, expect a call.
48:44Well, he'll come to the Welsh BAFTAs if you want to.
48:46Yeah, we're after, you know, more respected comedians.
48:49Makes sense.
48:50Get out on the side.
48:52That's all of you, yeah?
48:54Makes sense.
48:57All right, I've had enough of you.
48:58Yeah, you idiot.
49:02And the winner is Holby City.
49:20Thank you all very, very much indeed.
49:23I'd like to thank...
49:24Is that the girl you lost your virginity to?
49:26Who?
49:27The one that looks like Ronnie Corbett.
49:29That is Ronnie Corbett.
49:33Why would she be wearing a tuxedo?
49:35She might be a lesbian.
49:37And why would I lose my virginity to a lesbian?
49:40I don't know.
49:40I don't know.
49:40She might have turned lesbian after you slept with her.
49:42I think we all say thank you for that.
49:44On a personal note, thank you to my partner.
49:46Once again, thank you.
49:47Thank you all.
49:47Well, I can never win a battle as long as I live.
49:49I'd just like to say something.
49:50I don't look into it.
49:51This is a shitty night.
49:53Can't get any worse though.
49:54I'd just like to say to Andy Millman, right?
49:58I may be boring.
50:01But at least I didn't lose my virginity when I was 28.
50:06To a woman who looks like Ronnie fucking Corbett.
50:13Prick!
50:17No explanations needed.
50:19What's up next?
50:21Hugh Wheldon Award for Specialist Factual.
50:23Brilliant.