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00:05Morning.
00:07Morning, morning, morning, morning.
00:12Morning Cliff, let me take that.
00:14Let me take that.
00:15Fuck all night with these bloody things.
00:17Yeah.
00:18At a time like this, for God's sake, to go and have a pizza.
00:21Can I have a digest, please?
00:24I'm putting them off.
00:26Do you mind taking them?
00:27Oh, no.
00:28Why?
00:28Um, Malcolm's there.
00:30Malcolm, where?
00:31In there?
00:32In there.
00:33It's just a social call.
00:34A social call?
00:36Jesus Christ.
00:36Yeah.
00:37Um, have you got him coffee?
00:39Did you get him coffee?
00:40Malcolm Tucker got coffee?
00:41I thought you were going to...
00:42Oh, for Christ.
00:44Get him, get coffee, get, um, Danish pastries, croissants and...
00:48Danish pastries?
00:49No, no, no, fruit.
00:50Get lots of fruit.
00:51You get a pile of fruit and lots of coffee.
00:53Now, okay.
00:56Oh, he's useless.
00:58He's absolutely useless.
01:00He is, he's useless.
01:00He's as useless as a marzipan dildo.
01:02All right.
01:03So I've got to go.
01:04Ministers just walked in.
01:05Hey, don't, don't interrupt your call because of me.
01:08No, no, no.
01:08You're Minister of the Crown.
01:09You know, you don't need to listen to all my fucking chutney.
01:12I'm sure he's much, much more interesting than chutney.
01:14No, no, no, no.
01:15It's just, it's a...
01:15My coke up, as usual.
01:17You know, I thought that Graham Dixon was doing a briefing in a town that it's Graham Hughes.
01:21Too many Grahams, aren't they?
01:22We ought to kill some of them.
01:23Exactly.
01:25Hey.
01:26So.
01:26So, God, look, I'm sorry about the fuck up about the coffee.
01:29Oh, God.
01:29How am I supposed to run a bloody department if I can't get the Prime Minister's enforcer
01:33a cup of fucking coffee?
01:34No, no.
01:35That's okay.
01:35Listen, the thing is, you're doing a bloody good job here, Cliff.
01:39You know, because with all this shit in the paper about, you know, whether I'm going
01:42or not.
01:42Yeah.
01:42Have you seen...
01:43Terry, can you bring the mail in, please?
01:45Have you seen the mail?
01:46Is that...
01:47Lawton dangles by a thread?
01:48Yeah.
01:49Dangles by a thread?
01:50Yeah.
01:50No, it's all right, we've got...
01:52Lawton dangles by a thread?
01:53Yeah.
01:53Do keep it.
01:55Yeah, let's just leave it there.
01:56Thank you very much indeed.
01:57Thank you, Terry.
01:58There's a lot of them, isn't there?
01:59I mean, I know where it started.
02:00It was the Telegraph diary, but just more and more and more and more.
02:03Seriously.
02:04The PM likes you personally.
02:06I like you personally.
02:07And we have absolutely no desire to get rid of you.
02:10I just want you to know that.
02:12None of this negative stuff is coming from us.
02:15Oh, no, mate.
02:17That makes a big difference, makes me feel a lot more secure.
02:22That's it?
02:23Well, it's difficult.
02:24What's difficult?
02:25Just endless headlines, day after day.
02:27It's tipping away at confidence.
02:29Absolutely.
02:29Now, you see, the thing is, we're starting to look weak.
02:33Everybody's saying, when's he going to go?
02:34When's he going to go?
02:37Right.
02:38And you don't want us to look weak, dear?
02:41No.
02:41No.
02:42No.
02:42So there you are.
02:45That's why you've got to go.
02:48No.
02:49Yes.
02:50No.
02:51Would you like some coffee?
02:52Fuck off.
02:53Tea?
02:54You fuck off, darling.
02:56Malcolm, look.
02:57Um, if you do this, it's the bollocks of the jungle out there, you know?
03:02They're like wolves.
03:04Pissed wolves.
03:05I've made the nice one.
03:06I've told the lobby you're going, Cliff.
03:07You've told the lobby I'm going?
03:09Yeah.
03:10Sorry, Cliff.
03:11Minister.
03:12Yeah, get used to Cliff.
03:13I've booked you in for the usual soapy tick-wank farewell at number ten.
03:16In twenty minutes.
03:18I've also drafted you a letter of resignation.
03:20Gives you the chance to say that you're jumping before you're pushed,
03:23although obviously we're going to be briefing that you were pushed.
03:25Sorry.
03:28Um.
03:29Look, teleworks.
03:31You don't need to do all this.
03:33What about Tom?
03:34You know?
03:34Everybody knows he's fucking up transport.
03:36We can't sack Tom at transport.
03:37We can't lose anyone at transport.
03:38They're important.
03:39What?
03:39And social affairs isn't?
03:41Oh.
03:41Okay.
03:42The Department of Social Affairs is very important.
03:44But it's not transport.
03:46Transport's cars, buses, trucks...
03:49I know what transport fucking entails!
03:52Look.
03:53Look.
03:57Look at them.
04:01Personal reasons.
04:03Yeah.
04:03I thought that would give you adequate scope.
04:05Scope?
04:05What?
04:06Like, um...
04:07What?
04:07Shooting up in the cabinet office or something?
04:09What?
04:09Stuffing a cat at miles and having a whack.
04:11What do you mean scope?
04:12You know, this could be a great deal worse.
04:14You have had a good innings.
04:16You've been here for 18 months.
04:19And you know, I have written some very nice things about you in the PM's reply to your resignation.
04:25Some very nice fucking things indeed.
04:28I had a lump in my throat.
04:29And you know why?
04:31Because no one who matters thinks any the less of you over this.
04:35So far.
04:36Okay?
04:38Right.
04:39One more thing.
04:40The Daily Mail.
04:42David Topham has got it into his head that we are going to sack you because of press pressure.
04:47I wonder why.
04:48Look.
04:49You're in no position to dish out fucking sarcasm.
04:52That's over.
04:52You no longer have purchase in the sarcasm world.
04:56Get on the phone.
04:57Tell them that you're jumping before you're pushed.
05:00Although we were going to push you.
05:01But not because of press pressure.
05:02But because of your deeply held fucking personal issues, whatever they were.
05:06You want me to write my own obituary?
05:08Get on the fucking phone.
05:10No.
05:16Good morning.
05:23Good morning.
05:24Were you around to see the Times?
05:25No.
05:26Jojo, I'm not.
05:27She's going to be a bitch, aren't she?
05:28Well, she was.
05:29Yeah.
05:29Everything in this package is small.
05:31We're just going to go down and say at the local yoke.
05:33Yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:33Take the photographs and that's fine.
05:35I'll snap away for 20.
05:3620 minutes is enough.
05:37He's here now.
05:38Don't worry.
05:38Good morning.
05:39Good morning.
05:40Come on.
05:42Terry.
05:43Shush.
05:43I've got something very important to say.
05:45I've got...
05:46Ollie.
05:47I've got something for us.
05:48I've got us a very, very tasty little morsel.
05:50Because this morning I had a chat with my very good friend, the Prime Minister of Great
05:54Britain.
05:55Yes.
05:56And remember the...
06:00Ollie, your benefit unit fraud.
06:03Anti-benefit fraud executive.
06:05Amphi.
06:06Amphi.
06:06Um, scrounger squad.
06:08Snooper squad.
06:08Snooper squad.
06:09Snooper squad.
06:09Snooper squad.
06:09The one with the spending implications?
06:11Yes.
06:11And the Prime Minister's view, it turns out, is very much, fuck the spending implications.
06:14I like it.
06:15Good.
06:15So this is us.
06:16Yes.
06:16We're on the map.
06:18It's a chance for me, Glenn, to get on Richard and Judy and plant that flag right on their
06:22fucking sofa.
06:23So the Prime Minister's authorised you, he has authorised you to announce it, has he?
06:27Well, that's very much what he signalled, yes.
06:28Very clearly.
06:29He said he's right behind us on this and it's very much what we should be doing.
06:33This is great, so we can do it this afternoon at the school, can't we?
06:35We can clear the press conference that we've got so far like Guff and we can put this.
06:39Yeah, we'll double bobble it, yeah?
06:40Yeah.
06:41We'll leak it to the standard for the early editions and again, trail it on the World
06:44at One, yes?
06:45Right.
06:45I tell you, Neil, we need someone at the standard we can give this to.
06:48What about Angela Heaney?
06:50She's at the standard now, isn't she?
06:51You.
06:52Yeah.
06:52Ollie?
06:54Yes, she is.
06:55Do you not think, though, maybe she's a bit junior, I think.
06:58A bit too much like your ex who broke your heart and then dumped you with a text message.
07:02It's a fucking email.
07:03It wasn't a text message.
07:04We give it to her, she'll write what we want her to write.
07:07She's easy.
07:07She is easy.
07:08Well, I mean, I can see that you've all got very big stiff hard-ons with this one.
07:11Is that right?
07:11That is nice.
07:13I'm not saying that's not nice, but there is absolutely no way we're going to clear
07:17it by this afternoon, so...
07:19Why not?
07:20Do you cool it, just for a minute, and I'll ring Paul at the Treasury.
07:23No, no, no, no, no, no phone calls to the Treasury, thank you.
07:26If you call the Treasury, to get anywhere near the announcement, he's going to have
07:29to dress up as catering with a big tray of drinks and a pot of sliced lemons.
07:33I'm not doing that.
07:34They'll just take it.
07:35I'm just going by procedure.
07:36Terry, I love doing things the right way, that ethical stuff, I love it.
07:40I mean, we all do, but, you know, it's very difficult when you're the first person to
07:43put your gun down, because people tend to jump on your head as if it was a right watermelon.
07:47We don't want that, do we?
07:49Okay.
07:49The Prime Minister said he wants to do it.
07:50The Prime Minister is above the Treasury in the hierarchy.
07:52I can write it down on a chart if it actually helps.
07:54Whatever.
07:56Very good, Minister, I'll get to it.
07:57Yeah.
07:57You're just doing your job.
07:59Yeah.
07:59Not very well.
08:01Would you get Angela on the phone for Ollie?
08:03You can deal with this, Ollie, yes?
08:05The driver?
08:06Technically.
08:07Yes.
08:07Will it be my usual driver?
08:08Yes, Hugh.
08:09I don't fucking like him.
08:10Why not?
08:11I think he despises me.
08:13We'll have to use him today, because you know how the pool system works.
08:15So we go down to the school.
08:19He's sort of contemptuous.
08:21The driver?
08:22I feel like he looks down on me.
08:24No, Hugh, he likes you, I'm sure.
08:29The World at One, this is Nick Clarke with 30 minutes of news and comment.
08:32Yeah, well, you can fuck off for a stir.
08:33In the afternoon, the Social Affairs Secretary Hugh Abbott will announce that the school
08:36in Wiltshire funding for an anti-flaw executive to include a uniformed, so-called snooper force.
08:41The announcement suggests the DSA has pushed the Treasury into releasing more funds,
08:45so we'll ask, is the Treasury losing its central pocket?
08:47Yes, it is, and not before time.
08:49The opposition Social Affairs spokesman, Mark Davies Nathanson, about why he-
08:53If you can get him out of the bath.
08:55But first, the estimates of fatalities from yesterday's train disaster in Bangalore
08:58have risen precipitously overnight.
09:00Well, that's marvellous.
09:01Oh.
09:03Oh, Tucker.
09:05Markham.
09:05What the fuck was that?
09:06Was this whole snooper force thing from you?
09:08Markham, I talked to the PM, and this is completely kosher as far as he's concerned,
09:12because, you know, he gave the go-ahead and he said, you know, bounce the Treasury.
09:16Don't you realise we have got 17 different issues we are fighting with the Treasury about?
09:21I can hear that you are, as usual, upset.
09:24I'll tell you why I'm upset.
09:25I'm upset because these fucking morons over at the Treasury, these people, they are so paranoid.
09:30If you don't tell them about stuff like this, if you don't even CC them in email,
09:34they think you've started a palace coup.
09:36You don't seem to understand that I'm going to have to mop up a fucking hurricane of piss here
09:41from all of these neurotics.
09:42What did the Prime Minister actually say to you?
09:45He actually said, this is exactly the kind of thing we should be doing.
09:49What did he actually say?
09:50He said, this is exactly the sort of thing we should be doing.
09:54Should be doing.
09:56Should does not mean yes.
09:58No, there's only one thing to do here and it's what I'm going to tell you to do.
10:02Kill it.
10:03I can't, I can't kill it. I'm on my way to make the announcement.
10:07There's going to be television cameras there and everything.
10:09Well fuck the television cameras, think of something else to say.
10:12But just don't mention the bloody New Avengers or the Snooper Force or whatever the fuck you call it.
10:17Scambusters?
10:17Get rid of it. I don't want to hear about it again. Bye.
10:22Hugh, talk to me.
10:23Hugh, what's going on? Tell me, what's the matter?
10:25We're going to have to do a number of things.
10:27Right, right.
10:27Almost immediately.
10:28What? What's the problem?
10:30Fuck.
10:30What? Hugh, what?
10:32Stop saying what!
10:33Right.
10:34I shouldn't have been sucked in, I was sucked in!
10:35Is this Tucker jumping on this?
10:36I think he was right.
10:38He's always fucking right.
10:40No, he's not always right.
10:42Should?
10:44Does it mean yes?
10:46Yes, we should do this.
10:48Hugh, when Tucker was talking to me, should didn't mean yes.
10:52I mean, it really didn't.
10:54I felt like a fool.
10:57This is nice.
10:58Yeah, this is very nice.
11:01This is just work, isn't it?
11:04I mean, we're not...
11:05Yeah, no, absolutely.
11:06No, no, no.
11:06Great.
11:07Nothing like that.
11:07It's just, you know, deadline.
11:09Yeah, sure.
11:09Something like Social Affairs Minister Hugh Abbott will today announce a tough new crackdown
11:19on benefit fraudsters.
11:22Paragraph.
11:22Yeah, I can do the punctuation, Ollie.
11:25Sorry.
11:26Actually, I did have it written down a bit better on a...
11:28I've got it on a thing on a piece of paper.
11:30Oh, that's fantastic, Ollie.
11:31Can I just have that?
11:32Sure, yeah.
11:32That's great.
11:33Easier around, isn't it?
11:34It should all be there.
11:36I've done it in capitals and everything.
11:40I think I'll say senior government sources.
11:43Thank you very much.
11:45Sounds better.
11:47Oh.
11:47Yeah, of course.
11:50Ollie!
11:50Come on!
11:51Over here!
11:53Ollie!
11:55Sorry.
11:59What's that you've got?
12:00Ollie's.
12:01Ollie's.
12:02He's brought his own Ollie's.
12:04So the line is, and call every news desk...
12:07The Snooper 4 story is that it was led out by, quote, a disgruntled civil servant, unquote,
12:13Okay?
12:14Okay, great.
12:15Terry?
12:16Hmm?
12:17You can drop that tone, alright?
12:19What tone?
12:20The I knew better all along tone, yeah?
12:22It isn't fucking appreciated right now.
12:25Bye.
12:26The thing is, the story isn't a story.
12:29What do you mean?
12:30The Snooper 4, so it's not happening.
12:32None of that's actually...
12:33None of that's actually happening.
12:35I can't, I can't do this.
12:36You've got to do this.
12:37I mean, yeah.
12:38I mean, you know, reading, talking, I get...
12:41I mean, I've got to stop.
12:43We've got to stop.
12:44Jesus Christ.
12:46Do you think you could pull in at the next lay-by?
12:51As far as the department is concerned, as far as the government is concerned, there is no stable force.
12:57What's going on?
12:58Has the treasury gone ballistic?
12:59What's happened?
13:00No, no, no.
13:01What's this flip-flop?
13:02No, there's no flip-flop.
13:03There's nothing, nothing like that.
13:04There's no, erm, this isn't a change in policy in any respect.
13:10No.
13:10What's going on, Ollie?
13:13No, well, the truth is that I acted beyond my brief.
13:17What are you talking about?
13:18I don't know, I just kind of wanted to look like the big man in front of you.
13:22You came out and you just made something up.
13:24No, no, no.
13:25It's an answer.
13:26I'm really...
13:27I'm so sorry.
13:28If it's any help, what...
13:30The line that we're giving to everybody else is that there's a disgruntled civil servant.
13:33They leaked the story.
13:35You've got a name.
13:36Do I have a name for the disgruntled civil servant?
13:39Well...
13:39Derek?
13:40Derek?
13:41Terry?
13:42Terry?
13:42No, we're just gonna, we're gonna pick a name.
13:44What, which?
13:44We're gonna pick a name.
13:45I'm so sorry.
13:46Oh, look, I'm so sorry about this.
13:48No, it's not a fucking...
13:50Did you plan all this?
13:50The last thing I want to do today is be stuck in a fucking lay-by by a wacky warehouse
13:54begging my ex-girlfriend.
14:00Alright, so...
14:01What the hell am I gonna say is the reason for me summoning all the nation's major news organisations to
14:09a school in Wiltshire?
14:11So you want something sexy and eye-catching and that is free and universally popular and instantly applicable, no one
14:18could possibly object to it?
14:19Yeah.
14:20Right.
14:20Yes.
14:20Well, really, you should've said something before, Glen, because I've got a file about that fucking thick of that back
14:25in the office.
14:25Absolutely huge.
14:26Those sorts of policies are tender-
14:27Holly!
14:27Our entire manifesto is more or less made applicable.
14:30You know, it really doesn't help me get cynical.
14:32Yeah.
14:32You should think of this as an opportunity.
14:33Not that easy to come up with Das Kapital in the back of the cab, Glen.
14:36Oh, here.
14:37Shave.
14:39What we need is something that the public want.
14:43It's incredibly popular and is free.
14:45Return of capital punishment.
14:47That's a joke, right?
14:49You are joking, yes, obviously.
14:51Yeah.
14:51Come on, Ollie, come up with something.
14:53National Spare Room Database.
14:57What about zoos?
15:00My kids went to a zoo, you know, the other day and they said it was fucking disgusting.
15:04You know, the state of it.
15:08That's shit, isn't it?
15:09Yeah.
15:10No, no, but there is an idea there, because in the middle of the city you've got wild animals.
15:15Pet Asbos.
15:16Do you remember that?
15:17Asbos for pets.
15:17Well, you see, that sounds potentially ludicrous, but then pet passports.
15:20I mean, that was a-
15:21Yeah, there it is.
15:22That was a go-ah.
15:23What if everybody had to carry a plastic bag?
15:26By law, you know the identification cards are coming in?
15:29Yeah.
15:29You've fucking cracked.
15:31Are you mad?
15:33What if the announcement is,
15:35there's no big announcement?
15:36Oh, good.
15:37No, no, wait.
15:37Right?
15:38We say, the Department of Social Affairs has been doing amazing work, bread and butter work,
15:42belt and braces work, the kind of work that you people aren't interested in,
15:45because it's not shiny, shiny media-friendly stuff.
15:47You're so obsessed with how things play in the media, you sickos.
15:51Sickos.
15:51And every time we try and do, you know, just carry on with our day, you don't show up.
15:55So we have to call a big, you know, thing like this.
15:57Quiet bread and butter.
15:58On target, under budget.
16:00Yes.
16:00Coalface politics.
16:01Absolutely, yes, I like that.
16:03Not wasting resources.
16:03No, that's good.
16:04Let's do that.
16:04Let's do that.
16:05Let's go for that.
16:05We trick them.
16:06We trick them up.
16:08Tinsel-y thing, and they come along, and then we say,
16:10Ah!
16:11That's what we've been doing.
16:12We've been doing our fucking jobs.
16:13Yeah.
16:13And yes, they never print that stuff, do they?
16:16Yeah, yeah.
16:16And you've come all this way.
16:17We've got you two hours out of London to come and cover this.
16:19Yeah, you mugs.
16:20And that's the only way you've done it.
16:21But you know what?
16:21You've got a bigger story here than you have chasing your tinsel.
16:24Yeah, which is you live in a country which is properly...
16:26Not many countries can say that.
16:29And we've probably got ten million we can throw at it.
16:31Yes, don't have.
16:32That's good, that, because it sounds like a lot, doesn't it?
16:34Yeah.
16:35I've got a thing here that says springy concrete.
16:37I don't know...
16:37I think that's about the playground thing, but I don't...
16:39Springy concrete?
16:40Yeah, don't mention...
16:40Good afternoon.
16:41Should I say hello, boys and girls?
16:43Yes, very nice.
16:44Hello, boys and girls.
16:45Fucking panto, Dane.
16:45No, it's coming out on the television.
16:46It's going to look ridiculous.
16:47That's what he does best, doesn't it?
16:49Hello, boys and girls.
16:50He's talking to the audience in front of you.
16:51Real money for real families.
16:52He's talking to the audience in front of you about Brownfield's development.
16:54Real families or real people?
16:56Real people.
16:57You see?
16:58Real people.
17:00Families sounds exclusive.
17:01It sounds kind of back to basics.
17:02It sounds John Major...
17:03People sounds communist.
17:04It's inclusive.
17:05It doesn't sound communist.
17:06I'll say families.
17:06Thank you, Hugh.
17:07Say families of people.
17:10Great.
17:10You're on.
17:11Here we go.
17:14It's what you do best, mate.
17:15Yup.
17:21Well, that was a fucking disaster.
17:31Shut up.
17:36Oh, well done.
17:38There's absolutely nothing in the standard.
17:40Big fat nothing.
17:41Nothing.
17:41You've got away with it.
17:43You've managed to create a press conference so boring that none of the press will even
17:46touch it.
17:47That's genius.
17:49Well done, mate.
17:50You've turned it around.
17:51I'd like to read that to you.
17:53Why not?
17:54I'll do anything to you.
17:56Well, you really pulled it around, mate.
17:59I took the flat.
18:00You supplied the flat jacket.
18:01Yeah.
18:01And the bullets bounced off.
18:03This is what it's all about, Glenn.
18:05Yeah.
18:05This is what it's all about.
18:06All those years at the coalface.
18:07Hanging in there.
18:08Taking all the shit.
18:09All the bullshit.
18:10When you are senior cabinet minister, then we'll show them.
18:13Yeah.
18:13Snooper force.
18:14What?
18:15We'll get rid of that.
18:16Oh, for fuck's sake.
18:17Yeah.
18:17Fiddling while Rome burns.
18:19Fucking right.
18:19We'll kick some ass.
18:21We'll kick some butt.
18:22Yeah.
18:22Some butt.
18:23Well, that's what we're in it for, mate.
18:24It's out of all this shit that we do.
18:25It's a means to an end, mate.
18:28Me, Malcolm.
18:29How do you do that?
18:30Can I have a word with you?
18:39Marked off, mate.
18:41We killed it.
18:43It's killed.
18:44Yeah.
18:45But once you start the fire, Mark.
18:47We didn't start the fire.
18:49It was always bunny since the world's been turning.
18:51Et cetera, et cetera.
18:52Sorry, Mark.
18:53You're not making any sense.
18:56Prime Minister, obviously.
18:57He's on the plane in Stockholm and somebody hits him with a walnut one.
19:02He thinks it's the treasury trying to stiffen one, so he stuck with the story.
19:13He liked it?
19:14Yeah.
19:15He's backing the snooper force.
19:17Oh, right.
19:20We shouldn't really then, I mean, you shouldn't really have told us to, should you?
19:28Don't shoot me here.
19:30Because I'll shoot you right back.
19:32I'll shoot you right through that window.
19:33None of this should be happening.
19:35Should it?
19:36Should it?
19:37Should it?
19:37Is that should in the sense of yes, or?
19:40It's should in the sense of you should do as you're fucking told.
19:42Yes.
19:43What, um, what are we going to do now?
19:47You're going to completely reverse your position.
19:51Hang on a second.
19:53Hey, Malcolm.
19:54It's not actually that, um, I mean, that's going to be quite hard, really.
19:58Yes.
19:59Well, the announcement that you didn't make today, you did.
20:02No, I didn't.
20:04And there were television cameras there while I was not doing it.
20:08Fuck them.
20:09I'm not quite sure what level of reality I'm supposed to be operating on.
20:13Look, this is what they run with.
20:15I tell them that you said it.
20:17They believe that you said it.
20:19They don't really believe you said it.
20:20They know that you never said it.
20:22Right.
20:23But it's in their interest to say that you said it.
20:25Because if they don't say that you said it,
20:27they're not going to get what you say tomorrow or the next day
20:29when I decide to tell them what it is you're saying.
20:33Yeah, I am following this.
20:35I just.
20:35I had a friend who used to indulge in extra marital affairs.
20:39Okay.
20:39He would go off and he'd have some dalliance.
20:42And every Monday he'd come back and he'd meet his wife.
20:45And he told me that all he did was inside his head turn a little switch.
20:49The affair never happened.
20:51Okay.
20:52Right.
20:53What is the problem with this?
20:54The problem with it, first of all, I didn't get much dalliance.
20:59Get it into your head.
21:00Yes.
21:00Rewind today in your head.
21:02Okay.
21:02Stop explaining it to me.
21:03I have to fucking explain it to you, man.
21:05You haven't been here long enough.
21:09Where are all the people?
21:14Where are my people?
21:16They've gone home, Secretary of State.
21:17It's 540.
21:19Okay.
21:20Well, listen.
21:22The situation is pretty terrible.
21:24Things have changed.
21:26Okay.
21:26The line is now I did announce the snooper force this afternoon at the school.
21:33Okay.
21:33That's what happened.
21:34All right.
21:34So, now you have to tell all the media in case they missed it.
21:41Okay.
21:42Great.
21:45I said at the beginning of today that this was going to happen.
21:48All right.
21:48It's happened.
21:49Nobody's fault, Terry.
21:50It's happened.
21:51Now, what we have to do is get a list of everyone.
21:53Excuse me.
21:53It's not my fault.
21:54I didn't say it was your fault, Terry.
21:55I said what we have to do now.
21:56You said it was nobody's fault, but it is somebody.
21:58It's your fault and your fault.
21:59It's not my fault.
21:59You can't walk away from this because if you do, I'll make sure the whole rap is pinned
22:02on you.
22:03You can't.
22:04We're fucked.
22:05Great.
22:06This is a problem.
22:07This is the real world.
22:11How's it going?
22:11Good.
22:12Good.
22:12I think they might need a little bit of coordination.
22:15Who spoke to Nicky Campbell?
22:17Has anyone spoken to Nicky Campbell?
22:19Aye.
22:20I've got one missed call here.
22:21Nicky Campbell.
22:22It becomes such a complicated situation and it's actually terrifically simple.
22:25There was always going to be a snooper force policy.
22:28I mean, that's absolutely definite.
22:29It's too good a policy to have been invented by a disgruntled civil servant.
22:32I'm really glad you came in, Angela.
22:34Well, I could lose my job, Ollie.
22:37Yeah.
22:37Because I went all hot and heavy to the news desk with three directly contradictory stories
22:41in one day.
22:42I know.
22:43They gave me flip flops.
22:45You know, someone actually went out and bought flip flops to give me.
22:49Yeah.
22:50You've got to give them credit for that though.
22:52That is quite funny.
22:53Yeah.
22:53And they pasted onto them a fucking porn picture of a girl sucking a big cock and they wrote
23:00Angela Heaney swallows anything.
23:03That is less funny.
23:04Obviously, that's actually quite offensive.
23:06Can you give me one good reason why I shouldn't do a big story on the, you know, the day
23:11of
23:11spin?
23:12Why?
23:12What sort of story can you do?
23:13You know, inside story of a government department out of control with diagrams and maybe a flowchart
23:17with your face and name on it and Glenn's and Hughes and big arrows showing who spoke
23:22to who and how you all fucked it up.
23:24Yeah.
23:24Yeah.
23:25I think I could write that one up myself.
23:26I think I could do the punctuation on that one.
23:29Yeah.
23:29I'm sorry.
23:30Okay.
23:30I was...
23:30Hey.
23:31Hi, Angela.
23:31Oh, I like the hair.
23:32It's a nice little cock squeeze.
23:33How's it going?
23:34Yeah.
23:34Fine.
23:35We were just talking about why Angela shouldn't do a big story on the big insidery piece kind
23:45of day of spin sort of spread in the paper.
23:50I don't know.
23:51Maybe you should.
23:52Good idea.
23:54Oh, wait a minute.
23:55Wait a minute.
23:57I know why she shouldn't.
23:58Because, you know, if she did that, she'd be dead.
24:01To me.
24:02To this department.
24:03To the government.
24:03And she'd never get another story.
24:05Or a fucking whiff of a story.
24:08So long as she kept her sorry, hack bitch face lingering around Westminster.
24:12Because I would call every editor I know, which obviously, that's all of them.
24:17And I'd tell them to gouge her name out of their address books.
24:19So she'd never even get a job on hospital radio where the sad sack belongs.
24:24That's what I'd tell her.
24:26But maybe you should do it.
24:28See you later.
24:28Yeah.
24:31He's actually...
24:32He can be really nice.
24:33It's been a very long day.
24:35I didn't say that we weren't doing it, which is as good as saying that we were.
24:39Okay, just come on.
24:40The world tonight.
24:42Hello.
24:43Hugh Abbott here.
24:44Yes, no, it's always a pleasure to speak to the world tonight.
24:48Go live on air now.
24:50Yes, of course, I'd be delighted to.
24:57Robin, my pleasure.
24:58Nice to be with you.
25:00Yes.
25:01Before I answer that question, may I just say how delighted I am, as indeed we all are in the
25:05department,
25:05at the excitement and enthusiasm that a Benefit Fraud Inspection Unit has created.
25:09I announced at a press conference this new Benefit Fraud Inspection Unit, which we are hoping to call Sponge Avengers.
25:19And at that press conference there seems to have been a bit of a blip because many of the journalists
25:28didn't actually pick up on the announcement.
25:30I think they're, you know, they're so much looking for a little bit of scandal or incompetence.
25:34So that statement that the policy was the invention of a disgruntled civil servant was actually the invention of a
25:42disgruntled civil servant.
25:43No, no, there's only one disgruntled civil servant because one of them's, one of them's an invention by the other
25:51one, you see.
25:52Because, I mean, anyone who's listening carefully would have just thought my son would compete in mind.
25:55No, they weren't. It was very good. It came with a loud and clear.
25:58He's going to put the whole thing to bed anyway. Kill it.
26:01And Ollie has offered Angela a private life piece about you, you know.
26:05Oh, great.
26:05A Sunday with you and the family go for a walk, spend time with you, that sort of thing.
26:08I've just got to be checking through my books and snooping in my bathroom cabinet and making snide remarks about
26:14how I don't know who Gail Porter is.
26:16We did dicker about a bit, Hugh. And, you know, we're getting a roasting at the moment from what has
26:21been dubbed, but I wouldn't call Flip Flop Friday.
26:24So we need all the help from friends we can get right now.
26:27I know. I know.
26:27Look, what do you think?
26:29Well, I just, I just think...
26:34I want a new driver. Get me a new driver. I don't want to see this guy ever again.
26:39On what grounds?
26:41Smiling. Inappropriate smiling. And smirking. Smiling and smirking. I don't want to see that smile.
26:46That smile will smell never again. Okay?
26:50Okay. Thank you very much.
26:51Which place do you want to go? Like, what's up?
26:53I don't care. You're the boss.