- 1 day ago
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00:08It's 9.30.
00:21Panic, panic, panic, panic, panic.
00:23No!
00:28It's 9.30. Your car's been waiting outside for an hour.
00:34No cars.
00:57La la la la la la.
01:00La la la la la la la la la la la la.
01:09Health, health, health, darling.
01:19Washing machine
01:20It's absolutely right, sweetie
01:24Feeling great, I expect, this morning, are you?
01:27It's fabulous, darling
01:29God, perhaps he can put it away, can't she, sweetie?
01:34Oh, God
01:37Stop looking at me like that, sweetie
01:40You know what I have to do to convince you I've given up drinking?
01:48I had one bloody drink, sweetie
01:52You're accusing me of something
01:54Have you looked in the mirror this morning?
01:55Your eye bags are ruched
02:00What are you eating there?
02:02Toast
02:04What is that on that toast?
02:05It's honey, mother
02:07Honey, darling? That's not honey
02:09That's my bloody royal jelly moisturiser, sweetie
02:12God, you're eating 300 pounds worth of royal jelly, darling
02:16It's been hand-squished out of a bee's backside
02:20And not any old bloody bee
02:22But the bloody Gucci of bees, darling
02:24It's just a stupid, sweetie
02:26Jackie Stallone would kill for this, darling
02:30It's a bit
02:33Make me a cup of coffee, darling
02:34You know where it is, make it yourself
02:36I don't know where it bloody is, do I?
02:37Please don't
02:37Swear
02:41Sweetie, make mum a cup of coffee
02:44Sweetie, you're so clever and you know where everything is, darling, don't you?
02:48I think it's marvellous the way you know where things are, darling
02:51You are marvellous
02:52Flattery won't turn me into your servant
02:53The coffee's on the table in front of you
02:55Pick up a spoon, put coffee in cup, pour on boiling water
02:58Oh, let's this scald hand get third-degree burns, screaming in agony
03:02Do you really want that in your conscience this morning, darling?
03:05All right
03:06Thank you, sweetheart
03:07No, not instant, darling, not instant
03:11Grind some beans, for God's sake
03:14Not instant coffees, just old beans that have been cremated
03:17I don't want them
03:17I want them entire with life force today
03:24Could you not pull that face while you grind?
03:28I don't really want to drink a cup full of your anger
03:32I shouldn't be drinking coffee
03:33I shouldn't be bloody drinking coffee
03:35I don't want any coffee, darling
03:36Throw all that coffee away
03:37I don't want any bloody coffee
03:42I guess I wanted some fennel twig tea or something
03:51Look at the time, sweetie
03:53I should be in the office
03:55Sweetie, sweetie, sweetie, sweetie
03:57Tell them, tell them my car hasn't arrived
03:58It's traffic door-to-door and I'm not well
04:00I'm not well
04:01Hello, my mother's sitting here in her dressing gown
04:03With her face
04:05This is me, darling
04:07I know dressing gown
04:07She knows nothing about fashion
04:08Anyway
04:10Now listen, sweetie
04:12I'm literally out the door when my bloody car turns up, all right
04:16And I'm managing to keep a lid on things this end, all right
04:18I know you can manage that thin bubble, darling, all right
04:21I'm chanting as we speak
04:23Bye-bye, darling
04:28You're not a Buddhist, darling
04:30You wouldn't understand about me
04:31Mum, you did it for a week
04:33Which, admittedly, for you is a record
04:35It's not a fad, darling
04:36It's not like crystals
04:49Please, stop it
04:54Sweetie
04:54You wouldn't say that if you knew how much we owed to my chanting, darling
05:00A lot of things in this house
05:01This house wouldn't be here, darling
05:02I chanted for this gorgeous house
05:05Chanted to be successful and believe in myself
05:12Please, let me make some more money
05:13So I can buy saffron and some books and a car
05:17Please, in Buddhist, obviously, darling
05:20Not in English when I do it properly
05:21What is it?
05:22Some sort of cosmic cash machine?
05:23Oh, God
05:23Oh
05:25Could you try not being so cynical today?
05:27You know, today I need just a little bit of bloody support
05:30Why is today such a panic anyway?
05:32It's only a fashion show
05:33And you've had six months to prepare it
05:35I mean, why is everything always so hysterical?
05:38I mean, all you've got to do is play a bit of music
05:40Turn on the lights
05:41Get some people who've thrown up everything they've ever eaten
05:43And send them down a catwalk
05:46Greater feats have been achieved in less time and with less fuss
05:49Not quite with it, darling, are you?
05:51Major motion pictures are made
05:52Huge concerts are put on in stadiums
05:54I mean, for God's sake
05:56500,000 troops were mobilised in the Gulf
05:58And a war fought in one in less time
06:00And without everyone involved having a nervous breakdown
06:02And being sent flowers
06:03It cannot be that
06:04Oh, oh, oh
06:07Darling, every troop didn't have to contain Yasmin Le Bon
06:11The generals didn't require big hugs after every manoeuvre
06:14And the whole operation did not have to be coordinated
06:16To rap and Japanese avant-garde pipe music
06:18Because, you know, darling
06:20I think if it had, the outcome might have been rather different
06:22Don't you?
06:25Huh?
06:26Now, if you'll excuse me
06:27I'm going to go and get dressed
06:33I forgot to ring Shikani
06:34He was going to channel a colour for me today
06:42Shikani, it's Adina
06:43Green, thank you, darling
06:50Don't look at me like that
06:51There is more to it, you know
06:52Of course there is
06:53The bill
06:53Sweetie
06:54Sweetie
06:55He doesn't just choose the colour
06:57Listen, because you might learn something now
06:58He doesn't just choose the colour himself, darling
07:01It is related to who I was in a previous existence
07:04Mm-hmm
07:05And who was it you were in a previous life, then?
07:08I suppose you were the Elizabeth Taylor of the Ming Dynasty
07:10Well, close, yes
07:12So how come you've ended up just a mad, fat old cow?
07:18Will you stop saying that word fat?
07:22Stop it now, stop it
07:26I know you're only saying it to annoy me
07:29Aren't you, darling?
07:30No, I'm saying it because it's true
07:36Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God
07:39Oh, God, oh, God
07:42Well, sir, why do you have to pick on everything I do, darling?
07:45All I want is a few little things
07:47A few little pleasures
07:48A few little crutches
07:49To help me get through life, darling
07:50Get through?
07:51Mum, you've absolved yourself of responsibility
07:54You live from self-induced crisis
07:56To self-induced crisis
07:57Someone does your hair
07:58Someone chooses what you wear
07:59Someone does your brain
08:00Someone tells you what to eat
08:01And three times a week
08:02Someone sticks a hose up your bum
08:03And flushes it all out of you
08:09It's called colonic irrigation, darling
08:11It's not to be sniffed at
08:14Why can't you just go to the toilet
08:15Like normal people?
08:17Is that what you really want me to be, darling?
08:19Normal?
08:19Some boring old normal old toilet goer?
08:25Where's Mummy?
08:26She's on the toilet
08:28But I want to go somewhere interesting
08:30And meet exciting people
08:31Well, she can't take her
08:31Because she's in the bloody toilet
08:32Well, anybody can go to the toilet, darling
08:34They say
08:34Well, they obviously haven't seen you drunk
08:37What do you mean by that?
08:40Anyway, can I just say thank you
08:42Bloody thank you
08:43So stop doing that now
08:45Bloody thank you so bloody much
08:46For giving me such a lot of support
08:48On this bloody important day
08:51Darling, a lot of daughters
08:52Might have offered to come with me
08:53And help
08:53But no, no, no
08:54Not you
08:55You've probably got something
08:56Rather interesting to listen to
08:56On Radio 4, have you?
08:59Some new exhibit of test tubes
09:01At the Science Museum
09:02To go and see
09:05It doesn't matter
09:06I shall just go on my own
09:09There's a little party afterwards
09:10You know, darling
09:11But I'll probably just go on my own
09:13To that as well, sir
09:24No
09:24Oh, come on, darling
09:26Sweetheart
09:26It's your drama, you act in it
09:27I won't be your accessory
09:29What shall I wear?
09:30The daughter of the Dior
09:31Oh, look at Adina
09:31Isn't she marvellous
09:32And she's got a family
09:33I don't know how she does it
09:34How clever
09:35Time of the month, darling
09:36No
09:36I just thought you'd look
09:38Super retaining a little water
09:39Down here, that's all
09:41Darling, if you want to lose weight, sweetheart
09:43I've got some marvellous pills upstairs, darling
09:45You just pee it out overnight
09:48All right
09:51I'm not seeing your father tonight, are you, darling?
09:53No
09:53Good
09:53Go and get dressed
10:00Darling
10:01Darling, look at Mummy
10:02Look at Mummy, sweetie
10:05Do I need surgery, darling?
10:07Yes
10:08Oh
10:14Get your mouth sewn up
10:19Still here, darling
10:20I heard that
10:22Yes, well, I pay you to interpret my dreams
10:24So can't you at least find a hidden death?
10:26Well, I'm not willing to believe I'm simply that obvious
10:30Yeah, if you're a bloody psychic psychologist
10:32How come I'm always having to call you?
10:34Oh, well, just stuff it
10:36Saffy, darling, I'm off
10:37But I won't see you later
10:38Because you don't love me enough, darling
10:45La croix, sweetie
10:47It's all right, isn't it?
10:48It's a bit tight, maybe
10:49It's all right, isn't it?
10:51Anyway, people will think
10:52Wow, it's a la croix
10:54Okay
10:54I just can't find anything to go with it
10:56That's all
10:56Maybe I could throw up on something for you
10:58I'll wear this one
10:59Oh, I see someone already has
11:01Jean Muir
11:04That was a good bloody door
11:05It'll be my car
11:07Sweetie, it'll be my car
11:09Darling
11:09Pats, darling
11:10Sweetie, your car's here
11:12I thought I might scrounge a coffee
11:13No, well, darling, I can't
11:14I'm in a joke for lunch, sweetie
11:16I can't
11:17Saffy's here, though, all right?
11:18What are you wearing, Eddie?
11:20La croix
11:21It's fabulous
11:22Good, thank you
11:24Pats, you could go with your mother
11:25Yes, Pats
11:25Why don't you come with me in the car?
11:27All right, we'll talk in the car
11:28All right, darling
11:28Bye-bye, sweetie, darling
11:30Bye-bye
11:31Have a little haircut
11:31Have a little bob
11:33Don't be
11:33What, darling?
11:34Don't be late
11:35All right, sweetie
11:38Or drunk
11:45Darling, stop me drinking today
11:47Because Saffy's threatened to leave home again
11:48Darling, you don't drink
11:50Look, I know I'm not a drinker
11:51But you know what she's like
11:52A pig
11:53Oh, she's
11:54Oh, God, I must ring in
11:56Tell me I'm coming
11:58What will you drink if you stop drinking?
12:00I should drink water
12:02It's a mix, Patsy
12:03We have it with whiskey
12:04I don't know what it's like
12:05I don't think you've given up drinking before
12:07Worst eight hours of my life
12:09Right, it's me
12:10I'm on my way in
12:12Everything's completely under control this end
12:13How is it with you?
12:15Lights
12:16Models
12:17Guest list
12:19Just do your best, darling
12:20I'm rushing
12:21Bye
12:24You're going straight to the office
12:25Yes
12:26Past Harvey Nicks
12:27No, Pats
12:29Could we?
12:30When is nearly lunchtime?
12:3310.30, Patsy
12:34Hmm
12:38Well, look, we can do Harvey Nichols quickly
12:41And then we'll pick up some lunch
12:42And just take it into the office
12:43I think it would look better
12:44Whatever
12:45But, darling, remember
12:46It's your company
12:47You're the boss
12:48You can do what you want
12:49Don't let them pressure you
12:50Just ring and tell them to
12:54Kill yourself the way you go
12:55Yes, we'll have them later
12:59Darling, you will come to the show tonight
13:01Won't you?
13:02Safi's refused, you know
13:03And I need just a little bit of support
13:04Well, of course you do
13:05And of course I will
13:07I've been deserted by son and daughter
13:10Where is Serge?
13:13Where is Serge?
13:13He's not holding with his university
13:15I don't want to talk about it
13:17I sometimes wonder what the point of having children is
13:20If they're not going to turn up to your launches
13:22Could you tell them how important it was for you, darling?
13:24May I tell him?
13:26I faxed the bloody Dean
13:27The bollocky halls of residence
13:28And the buggery mountain rescue
13:30I mean, what more can I do?
13:31Nothing
13:32I shouldn't have to
13:34I mean, look at you
13:35You've been a fantastic mother
13:37You've let them ruin your figure
13:39Your stomach's stretched beyond recognition
13:41You've got tits down to your knees
13:42And what for, for God's sake
13:43For a pothole
13:44Who's worn nothing but a purple-minded track suit
13:46And a Gaza T-shirt for the past two years
13:48Cut the cord, darling
13:50Left here if we're going to Harvey next
13:51Left
13:51Left here if we're going to Sanford's for lunch
13:57And then we're going shopping
14:05Ellie, can I borrow your phone?
14:20Ah, thanks
14:21I'm glad you're with me, Pat
14:22You know, otherwise I wouldn't use that car
14:23I wouldn't use that huge car
14:25Pouring out petrol fumes and pollution like that
14:27But you know, there are three people in that car
14:29Three people in that car
14:30Oh, shut up, Eddie
14:31No one can hear you
14:32Darling, it's me
14:33I'm coming into the office now
14:35I'm coming to the door
14:39Right
14:40I'm here, darling
14:41Don't panic
14:41Don't panic
14:42I'm here
14:43Right, Bubble
14:44Let's get things moving, sweetie, darling
14:46I'm sorry I'm so late
14:48I think everything's just about done
14:49I told you things have managed without you, darling
14:52Right
14:52Now
14:54Bubble
14:55Did all the models turn up?
14:57Yeah, every single one
14:57Good, good, thank you
14:58Except one
15:01Except one
15:03You're not going to tell me it's Yasmin Le Bon, darling?
15:05No
15:05Thank God
15:06Oh, no, sorry, yeah
15:08Yasmin Le Bon's ill
15:12Oh, my buggery bollocks
15:14Why the bloody hell didn't you tell me earlier?
15:16Her husband just phoned and said Simon Le Bon
15:18Which I thought was really amusing
15:22Amusing, darling?
15:23Yeah, very modern of him to have taken his wife's name
15:26Oh
15:28I phoned round and I think I may have found a replacement
15:31Good, who, who?
15:32Betty Boone
15:33Shit
15:35Some of the designers aren't happy
15:37But I said you'd speak to them
15:38This is all your fault, Patsy
15:39It's all fixable
15:41Seriously, right now
15:42Come on, come on, come on
15:43How's the celebrity and VIP list looking?
15:45Good, I think
15:46But you know me
15:47I don't know anybody
15:48Come on, darling
15:48Come on, darling
15:49Just tell me about Joan Collins
15:51Stephanie Powers
15:52Blum and Picasso
15:52Charlotte Rampling
15:53Catherine Deneuve
15:54Give me some names, darling
15:55So far
15:56So far
15:56So far
15:57Sunita and Anne Robinson
15:58Definite
16:00We're still chasing Annika Rice
16:02Gave up on Norma Major
16:04Just get me my phone book now, would you, darling?
16:07Get me my phone book
16:08I mean, Princess Di has to have somebody to sit next to you
16:10You'll get Princess Di at a major fashion event and sit...
16:12Anne
16:12Princess Anne
16:18As well as, is it, darling?
16:19Instead of
16:21Only
16:21Well, possibly with daughter
16:24Why?
16:25Why?
16:25Well, there was a bit of a mix-up
16:27And I didn't make the call
16:28But she's very game and a really nice person
16:30Oh, I wouldn't care if she was mother bloody Teresa, darling
16:33It doesn't matter for our purposes
16:34What we need is a princess with a press following and a designer dress on her back
16:37Not someone who looks like she runs off her own
16:43Well, there are people who were a bit cagey about which designer she favoured
16:46The only label she wears is drip dry
16:48Oh, come on, come on, come on, darling
16:50Let's take stock now
16:51We've got three hours
16:53Darling, finish the Beaujolais and walk away from it
16:55No, shut up now, Patsy
16:56Right, I'm off
16:58Are we eating?
16:59Yes, what after?
17:00Yes, French, Italian, whatever you like, sweetie
17:02Oh, darling, no-one's eating that sort of food anymore
17:03There's a fabulous new Japanese in Mayfair
17:06Everything is raw
17:07Anything that has a pulse is lunch
17:09All right, darling, whatever, whatever
17:10Oh, the magazine called me, Patsy
17:12I need some decisions about this month's cover
17:14Oh, really, whatever can they need to know
17:16I mean, it's the same every month
17:18A model in make-up with a vacant look on her face
17:21Well, I might drop in on the way home
17:22See you later, Eddie
17:23I'll leave the bottle
17:23No, don't leave the bottle, Patsy
17:25I need a clear head for the next three hours, please, darling
17:27Oh, do you want some Coke?
17:27No, sweetie, no
17:29Save it till later
17:30All right, darling, good luck
17:33Have you got something I can pee into?
17:34I want to do another test before I go
17:36Oh, how busy held Patsy
17:38Wash it this time, will you?
17:42Anyway, darling
17:43Who was it you were with last night?
17:45Oh, he was just a windscreen washer I picked up at the traffic lights
17:48Buns so tight he was bouncing off the walls
17:50Bye, Pats
17:51Bye, bye, bye
17:51Bye, bye, darling
17:52Bye, bye, sweetie
17:54Darling, you are a fabulous, wonderful individual
17:57Oh, thank you
17:57And remember, I've known you longer than your daughter
18:00And anything you do is all right by me
18:01You know, you're my best friend, sweetheart
18:02All right, sweetie
18:03Can I take your car?
18:04Sweet, sweetie
18:06Well, as long as it's back by six, I'm all right
18:09All right, Eddie
18:10Thanks, darling
18:11Right
18:13Now, Bubble
18:14I want a list of every PR company, every record company in the country
18:18I want a copy of Who's Who and the latest edition of Hello magazine
18:21Let's get celebrity up
18:22Come on
18:23Bubble
18:25I want four huge video screens down either side of the catwalk
18:28I want to flash up pictures of sad but beautiful children
18:31Happy gay couples
18:32Slogans like world health, no pollution, fashion cares
18:35All right, darling
18:36And print up thousands of new invitations on green, totally recycled paper
18:40And cab them round to everybody
18:41Now, now
18:44Now, darling
18:45Now, sweetie
18:45Now, now
18:49Okay, get on to Princess Anne's people
18:51Tell her that everybody there will be mentally ill
18:54Tell her we'll sponsor her to wear a designer dress, okay
18:57And make sure she realises that if she doesn't
18:59Those little children won't get anything
19:02Press release
19:03Free champagne reception
19:05Get on to Moe and Chandon
19:06Tell them it's for charity
19:07Get on to Joan Collins
19:08Tell her it's free champagne
19:11Oh, listen, look, darling
19:12I don't want to wear this, sweetie
19:14I want to look completely happening and unbiased
19:16I want to
19:16No, sweetie
19:17Just get me something from every collection
19:19All right, darling
19:19Come on
19:20Come on
19:21Leave that, darling
19:22Leave that
19:23On, on, on
19:24Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick
19:26Come on
19:27Come on
19:28Come on
19:29They love you
19:30No, they hated me
19:31They hated me
19:32No, they loved, loved, loved
19:33Oh, oh, oh
19:35Come on
19:35Oh, they loved you
19:37How would I hate them?
19:38I hate them
19:51I hate them
19:52You know
19:52Chanel
19:53Dior
19:54Lagerfeld
19:55Givenchy
19:55Gauthier, darling
19:56Names, names, names
19:58Every rich bitch from New York is in there
20:00Hochwenden
20:00Ruchenstein
20:01Vanderbilt
20:02Rothschild
20:03Hucken
20:03Huckenberger
20:04Daxon
20:05Fortwell
20:06A whole row of skeletons with Jackie O'Heads
20:09Harpers
20:10Tatler
20:11English Vogue
20:11American Vogue
20:12French Vogue
20:13Bloody Yabber
20:14Bloody Sinian
20:15Bloody Vogue, darling
20:16Jeff Banks and Selina Scott
20:17Couldn't even get a ticket, darling
20:20I'm going down in history, Pat
20:21As the woman that put Princess Anne in a Vivian Westwood Basque
20:25I'm not even looking at what was happening on the catwalk
20:27Good job, really, darling
20:29I mean, Betty Boo and Danny Minogue did their best
20:31But, frankly
20:32Cheers, anyway
20:33Cheers
20:34Cheers
20:35Cheers
20:38Pat
20:39Oh
20:41We're keeping these two
20:43No, I thought we'd get a couple of different ones at the party
21:08Let's go away, Eddie
21:09Oh, sweetie
21:13When, darling, when?
21:14No
21:15Let's go on holiday
21:16I can't, sweetie
21:18I promise Saf I'll get home tonight
21:20Don't stop making me go on holiday, Pats
21:22Darling, you need a holiday
21:24Oh
21:24How long has she been around for, huh?
21:26She's been around forever
21:28Sixteen, she is, Pats
21:29Sixteen years you've had her
21:31Sixteen years?
21:33Get rid of her
21:33Oh, God
21:36Montserrat
21:36I want to go to Montserrat
21:38Look at me, Patsy
21:40Looking at a huge success here tonight, you know
21:42I know, darling
21:43Career
21:44I've got all this
21:46I've got fabulous kids to adore
21:48Did I know?
21:56I was about to move myself there, Patsy
22:00Where was I, Patsy?
22:01What was I saying there?
22:02You were just going to tell me about their bastard
22:03Bastard bloody fathers that I married
22:06God
22:07I married the two biggest shits in the world, didn't I?
22:10Hmm?
22:15Do you know, I don't know why it went wrong with Justin
22:17I mean, you know, because we just adored each other, you know
22:20He's gay
22:23Oh, Patsy, that wasn't the reason, was it?
22:26Hmm?
22:26Oh, let's go on holiday
22:28Stop it, stop it, no
22:29No, stop it, no
22:30Look, look, look, look
22:32She mustn't know I've had a drink, darling
22:33She mustn't know I've had a drink
22:34Oh, darling, you're only sarky drunk
22:36Oh, sweetie
22:37I can't do it because I know I've had a drink
22:38Come on, sweetie
22:40Come on, sweetie
22:41She'll never know when she dies
22:43She'll never know when she dies
22:44She's not your bloody mother
22:45She's not my bloody mother, she's not my bloody mother, darling
22:48Mother never knew, did she, Patsy?
22:52Oh, far out
22:54Oh, that's fantastic
22:59What?
23:03Oh, it's...
23:04In that club
23:05Are you going to come in?
23:36Hello, Edmina dear
23:38Good concert.
23:40Why don't you come in and tell us all about it?
23:42Your father and I are still up.
23:51Come on, dear.
23:52Your father would love to see you.
24:07Here she is.
24:09Where was the concert this time, dear?
24:12Eel Pie Island again, was it?
24:14Not who was it.
24:16Anyone we should have heard of.
24:17The Beatles, the Stones, the Rolling Whom.
24:22Dizzy, dear.
24:23Are you okay?
24:26Is that cider I can smell on your hands?
24:33No, she's not, sweetie.
24:34Do your thing.
24:35No, she's not.
24:40It's all right, darling.
24:40She's not here.
24:42She's not here, darling.
24:44It's all right, darling.
24:49All right, darling.
24:50All right, sweetie.
24:51All right, sweetheart.
24:53Go, Vinnie.
24:54All right, Danny, Johnny.
25:19Sweetie, darling.
25:21Sweetie, darling.
25:22Is my missy?
25:23Yes, sweetie.
25:24My missy.
25:28Sweetie, darling, let me in.
25:30Sweetie, darling, let me in.
25:31Sweetie, darling, let me in.
25:32Sweetie, darling, let's do this thing.
25:32You