- 13 hours ago
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00:01Don't you fake me, sweetie.
00:02I'm not going in the office today because Bettina and Max are coming
00:05and I want to clear the whole house up for them, darling.
00:07Anyway, did I tell you, Bubble's not there anymore. She's gone.
00:09I mean, someone offered her a pathetic junior post at Marie Claire,
00:11so I accepted for her.
00:12Let them pay her, darling, while we've got no work on.
00:15So, darling, sweetie.
00:23Sweetie?
00:28Darling?
00:31Oh, oh.
00:49Mom?
00:54She's only lost the letter.
00:58Don't you ever do that again, darling.
01:00Don't you ever just go and leave me on my own like that.
01:02I was upstairs.
01:04What were you looking at?
01:06Nothing, sweetie.
01:07Nothing.
01:10You were checking the fly, weren't you?
01:12I have to, darling.
01:14I don't think you still did that.
01:15It's been ten years since you saw that film
01:17and Jeff Boldblum is now full-sized, wingless
01:19and living happily ever after in L.A.
01:22I know that, darling.
01:23But you'll be laughing the other side of your face
01:25the day you squash something with a little
01:26tiny human head against that window, darling.
01:29But it screams out,
01:30No, no!
01:31I'm a professor of physics!
01:32Take me back to my laboratory!
01:35Don't wish you were a Buddhist then, darling.
01:38What drugs were you taking last night?
01:41Patsy had them, not me.
01:42What?
01:43I said Patsy had them.
01:46Why are you looking at me?
01:46It was my fault!
01:47Patsy had them, darling!
01:48Patsy had the ecstasy!
01:53See, sweetie.
01:54I just said no.
01:55No to drugs.
01:56No.
01:56Well, something kept you going till three o'clock this morning.
01:58It's a little coke, sweetie.
02:01As you've got Bettina and Max coming to stay
02:02and I've got a lot of work to do in the next few days,
02:05I thought I might move into the halls of residence.
02:08Oh.
02:09Oh.
02:10Well, you're just going to leave me, are you?
02:11You're just going to go?
02:12You're not going to stay around and help me, darling.
02:14You're just going to go.
02:14No, well, all right, then. Just go.
02:15Go on. Just go.
02:16There's plenty of food in and the spare bedroom is clean.
02:22Bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger!
02:23It's a box, darling!
02:26What?
02:27Well, darling, I was going to totally refurnish the spare room.
02:31You don't seem to realise, darling,
02:32Bettina and Max are coming.
02:34So?
02:35Bettina, darling, the queen of minimalism.
02:38I mean, look.
02:38Look at how I'm dressed today. Minimalist, darling.
02:41I mean, she's coming here to London to this, darling.
02:44She's going to think this is what I think is so great.
02:45Objet central.
02:46This.
02:47You.
02:47All this clutter, darling.
02:49Well, tidy it up, then, if you don't like it.
02:51I will.
02:53I just want surfaces, darling.
02:55Where are my surfaces gone?
02:57Huh?
02:58I just want clean lines and surfaces.
03:00I don't want this, darling. Look.
03:01I don't want this.
03:02I don't want things on places like that.
03:04Things on places.
03:05I don't want that.
03:09This yours?
03:11Yes.
03:11Does it not be left around?
03:13Does it not have a home to go to?
03:15Oh, that could have been you talking, then, sir.
03:18What do you want?
03:19God, I've got enough trouble with surplus furniture
03:21without occasional old people scattered around.
03:25Have you seen my take a break, dear?
03:27I left it here last night.
03:28I didn't have someone else to pick up, did you?
03:29It's over there, Gran.
03:30Oh, thank you.
03:32Come on, eat it, clear it, eat it, clear it.
03:34Stop it!
03:35Let me finish and then I'll help you.
03:37Don't get in such a state.
03:38Oh, oh, who's that?
03:39Someone's got to fill my house up.
03:41Now, here we are.
03:44How to win a lifetime supply of tough melamine stylish garden furniture.
03:48You haven't got a garden, Gran.
03:50Oh, no, but they don't know that, dear.
03:51Good morning, Eddie.
03:52Good morning, darling.
03:57Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
04:01You're going to have to go.
04:01Come on.
04:02You're going to have to go.
04:02Come on.
04:03You're going to have to go.
04:03Have to go.
04:04Come on.
04:04Come on.
04:04Oh, dear, I've just...
04:06Just close your sad rag and clear.
04:08Come on.
04:09We can lunch it.
04:10Oh, I'm too busy.
04:11Close.
04:12Close.
04:12Close.
04:13Bettina and Max are coming to stay for a few days.
04:15Oh, Bettina, how is she?
04:17You two used to get on so well, didn't they, Patsy?
04:20Did they?
04:21Oh, yes, and I encouraged it, dear.
04:23Far more suitable as a friend than poor, dear, sad old Patsy.
04:28She was such a neat girl.
04:30Neat?
04:31She was so anally retentive she couldn't sit down for fear of sucking up the furniture.
04:51Hi.
04:53This is great.
05:01We like it.
05:03We think it's the new millennium.
05:09We're really comfortable here.
05:11We feel it's...
05:12We feel it's...
05:15Progressive.
05:21Watch this.
05:22This is...
06:27I want to show you my jewellery collection.
06:30I've taken inspiration from the new electrographic architecture.
06:34Come and sit down.
06:43Max, have you seen it?
06:45It's in a white box.
06:46White box?
06:47I think.
07:04I should have sued.
07:06I was cut to ribbons.
07:07I was scarred for life.
07:10Extraordinary how it managed to hit you in exactly the same place behind each ear.
07:18Sweetie!
07:19Go on, Eddie.
07:19Go on.
07:20What?
07:20Well, go on.
07:21Go on.
07:21You were going to tell this little trail of cat's sake that I was badly injured.
07:25Not to question me.
07:26No, I wasn't, darling.
07:27I was going to say, sweetie, darling, if you want to be some help to Mama, go upstairs and
07:31clear surfaces.
07:31Go on, darling.
07:34Take her with you.
07:34Take her with you.
07:35Clear her.
07:36Clear her.
07:37Clear her.
07:44Well, you could go, too, you know, darling.
07:53No lunch, then, Ed?
07:54Well, not unless Bettina arrives early, in which case I shall have lunch with her.
07:59Can I borrow the car?
08:04That's picking Bettina up from the airport.
08:09Oh, God.
08:10Oh, God.
08:12What's the matter?
08:13I'm not happy.
08:18Well, I'll take the car.
08:20Just go.
08:20Go.
08:21I don't want the car.
08:22Well, just go and be unhappy somewhere else.
08:24Go on.
08:25Don't touch it.
08:26Don't touch it.
08:27Don't touch it.
08:28Okay, bugger off.
08:29Go on, bugger off.
08:30Go on.
08:31I'm scared.
08:44Saff, Saff.
08:46Did you go to the spas last week?
08:49In Florida, yes.
08:50I did the fasting cure.
08:52Oh, the cure.
08:53Is it the cure you were fasting or something?
08:55Well, it does that, of course.
08:56But really, it was to lose weight.
08:58Oh, that sounds good.
09:00Is it expensive?
09:02How do you mean?
09:03Oh, well, does it cost a lot?
09:06500 pounds.
09:07Oh, what'd you get for that?
09:10Absolutely nothing.
09:12It's taken all bloody day to do a journey that takes a couple of hours.
09:16How many bastards need to look at my ticket and then stare inexplicably at a crap computer
09:21screen for hours on end?
09:23What is the point of asking me whether I pack my bag myself?
09:26Oh, no.
09:27I'll let some total bastard of Middle East in it.
09:29It's lovely.
09:33Where's my dad?
09:34Oh.
09:34Uh, is there a meeting or something?
09:37Because I'm not ready.
09:39I mean, nobody seems to realise how difficult my job is.
09:42I mean, I've got the cover photo, obviously, but I haven't put you the words on yet.
09:45I mean, everybody seems to think that my job just happens.
09:47Susie, I just want to know if she wants lunch.
09:50Oh.
09:51Is it my turn yet, Harney?
09:53Did you get to the castle drone on level three?
09:56What's she doing there?
09:57Mads nabbed her for Marry Clough.
10:01Does Eddie know you're here?
10:03Oh!
10:07What?
10:09Where's Mag's diary?
10:10I want to know what she's doing for lunch.
10:11She's got a meeting.
10:15Why haven't you written it in?
10:16I'm not completely useless, you know.
10:19So I'm in here with someone cold.
10:23It's gone.
10:25I'll wait for her.
10:26Well, shall I get someone to look after you?
10:28I work here.
10:30Eh, smell.
10:32I'll throw out the business class crap over the Pyrenees.
10:34Managed to nip this off a kid in economy on my way back from the toilet.
10:37Where have you been?
10:39Spain.
10:40Ah.
10:41Off the beaten track, Andalusia.
10:43Forgotten Catalania.
10:45My own secret Marioca.
10:47More like my own secret arsehole.
10:49A shitty little coastline ruined by patronising English gits.
10:54Oh, you must come over and share a rather fine local Rioca.
10:58Oh, piss off, you sad twat.
11:02Oh, dear.
11:04Mr. Dictionary seems to have deserted us again.
11:09Procedure of Max.
11:10Clear, clear, clear, clear.
11:11I'll just say hello and then I'll go.
11:12Oh, no, no, no.
11:13I'm not going to say hello.
11:14You just get from here.
11:15Flussing a sewell.
11:16Hold your bag close.
11:16When they come, you go.
11:19Hi.
11:20Hi.
11:21Hi.
11:21Hi.
11:22Hi.
11:22Hi.
11:23Hi.
11:24Hi.
11:27Oh, no.
11:28Max, can you bring me the other cloth?
11:29Where is the other cloth?
11:30Uh, Flewberg.
11:32Not the Terry one.
11:33You know, the one that was near the bottle warmer by the places.
11:36The bag that fits the buggy or the backpack?
11:39No, you know, the one that's, uh, by the map with the music centre.
11:43That one.
11:43Same material.
11:45You used it on the plane.
11:47No, I didn't.
11:49Oh, Christ.
11:50Max, we only had those full bags and the Moses Bar.
11:56Is he awake?
11:58He's moving.
11:59What?
12:00Well, you can see his face.
12:01What's he doing?
12:02He's just, he's just moving.
12:04Do you want to just put that down, darling?
12:05Oh, no.
12:05He won't go down now.
12:07Max can take him in a minute.
12:09Look, we...
12:10We could just put him down on the...
12:11No, he won't go down now.
12:14Just let me take him.
12:16Yes.
12:17That would be nice.
12:19He isn't exactly light, and I have had him since Heathrow, and I don't expect to be on
12:22my last legs before you are.
12:24Right.
12:24That's it.
12:25Here, right hand.
12:26Yes, I've got him.
12:26I've got him.
12:27And head.
12:27Yes.
12:28Darling, do you want a drink, sweetie?
12:31I need a drink.
12:32Oh, darling.
12:32Look, I'll crack open some bolly.
12:34That's a good idea.
12:36What?
12:37Look, I'm not intending to get drunk.
12:39Yes, well, that, of course, is up to you.
12:41But how are you going to feel if you drop him or something happens and you know you've
12:44had that drink?
12:46I don't know why we don't do what Jocasta suggested and keep him awake.
12:49Then he might sleep through the night.
12:50Oh, Dr. Bloody Spockasta.
12:53That's a good idea.
12:54Listen, you old tart.
12:56Can we not think of a nicer way of putting this?
12:58How about we grazed on canapes and feasted on roasted suckling pig and juicy carchopai beneath
13:07a bewildering array of stars beside a pool brimming with azure blue?
13:13You can't put we all sat around and ate free foreign crap then vomited.
13:18I'm a journalist.
13:21Fair enough.
13:24Honey, darling, could you get that?
13:26Get that, honey.
13:27I can't.
13:28Somebody get it!
13:30Damn.
13:31Yes.
13:32Yes, all right, I'll tell them.
13:34Max is out for lunch.
13:36Damn.
13:37All right.
13:38Oh, damn.
13:40Oh.
13:42What are you going to do?
13:44Don't question me.
13:45I'll ring up an old friend.
13:47An old friend?
13:49Old?
13:50Meeting your old friend?
13:52Shut up.
13:52I'm meeting a very, very, very dear, dear, dear, dear old friend.
13:55And don't forget your zimmer frame.
13:58It was cesarean in the end.
14:01Because of complications.
14:03Yeah.
14:05Nothing to do with my age.
14:08So, of course, I felt butchered for a couple of months.
14:12But I lost the weight almost immediately.
14:15Which, of course, doesn't happen if you have them younger.
14:18I mean, you've never lost it, have you?
14:21You seem to get away with it somehow, despite your criminal dress sense.
14:26What's up, I haven't put these.
14:28Checking on the floor.
14:29Oh, all right.
14:30Yeah.
14:31You know, we've tried to be green, but it's just not humanly possible.
14:37Have you got it off?
14:39Have you got it off?
14:41Can you hear me?
14:42This is my vision.
14:43If you call for that loudly, you're going to wake him.
14:48He's in the sitting room.
14:51I'm going to drink that one now.
14:54Oh, God.
14:56You ever see anything of that old alcoholic?
14:59What, Patsy?
15:01Well, it's off and on, you know, darling.
15:04OK, this is the, uh...
15:07Shit, shit, shit.
15:08Look.
15:10Right, please, just bring him down, because you'll never go back now.
15:12Look, just bring him down.
15:13Just bring him down!
15:14Bring him down now!
15:19Sit!
15:20Sit!
15:26Leave it!
15:29S-M-A, S-M-A, S-M-A.
15:31Yes, kettle, kettle.
15:33Spoon.
15:34Knife, knife.
15:36Bottle, bottle, bottle, top.
15:38Darling, look.
15:38Teat, bucket.
15:39I'm having lunch with Patsy.
15:40I'm, I'm, I'm a simulator, darling.
15:42Knife.
15:43Knife, knife, knife, knife.
15:45Kettle, kettle.
15:47Kettle.
15:50His eyes are open.
15:51Quick, where are they?
15:52We have them on the plane.
15:52They're here.
15:55Say the words as well.
15:57Yes, yes.
15:59Mummy.
16:01I'm sorry.
16:02Mummy.
16:04Mummy.
16:05Mummy.
16:07Very, very tired mummy.
16:16Oh, I was working.
16:19I don't know why I did that.
16:20I was actually over here working.
16:22No, you, you don't understand.
16:23I was, I was actually, are you still here?
16:26Just.
16:26Well, have you seen Pats?
16:28Yeah.
16:29Oh, she's not here.
16:34She's at lunch.
16:35Oh, that's right.
16:37With a very old, old, old, old, old, old, old, old, old, old, old friend.
16:42Oh, damn.
16:44Well, you can go back to the office now.
16:46We've got some work on.
16:46I can't.
16:47Why not?
16:48I've been head shrunk.
16:50Hunted.
16:51Not yet.
16:52Head hunted.
16:52Head hunted.
16:54By Vogue.
16:55Is that a magazine or something?
16:58What is a magazine?
16:59By Vogue, darling.
17:00With head hunted.
17:02As what?
17:03Uh, editor.
17:27Oh, it's a magazine.
18:13Oh, Sandra, hi. It's me, Patsy. Patsy Stone. Hi. Yes, I will join you. Thank you, darling.
18:20Oh, Sandra. Good evening.
18:25You know Britt?
18:27Oh, hi, Britt. It's Patsy.
18:30Patsy. Stone. Stone. Patsy. Patsy Stone. Stone. Patsy. Patsy Stone. Oh, Patsy. Oh, Brits.
18:39Pats. Brit. Pat. Brie. Pat. Brie. Pat. Brie. Pat. Brie. Pat. Brie. Pat. Brie. I think you're done.
18:45Uh, what's that?
18:47Bottle of red, please.
18:48No, thank you. I don't drink.
18:49Some water, please.
18:50Well, just the one we'll do, then.
18:55Yo, yo, yo.
18:59Oh, look. It's little Lulu. Hi, Lou.
19:04Lulu. Lulu. Hello.
19:07I'm not meeting you, am I?
19:09No, no, Adina. We've met before. We've met before.
19:11Yes, yes, I know, but I'm not having lunch with you. I'd rather be on a table on my own.
19:14No, you wouldn't. No, you wouldn't.
19:17Do it. I need to talk to you.
19:20Not about one of those benefits or one of those awful parties or something.
19:23I haven't forgiven you for the Albert Hall fiasco.
19:26Well, I'm sorry about that one, but I'm sure I said on the invitation that, you know, it'd be lovely
19:31if you got up and did a few numbers, you know, sang Shout.
19:34It wasn't even a band.
19:35It was for charity.
19:37What do you want?
19:46I'm off.
19:48I may well have a gun in my bag.
19:51I will speak to you and I'm trying very hard to turn it on myself if you leave, all right?
19:55Pay for the meal.
20:01Oh, and the champagne.
20:05And a substantial donation to the charity of your choice, all right?
20:10Three courses in a pudding or I'm walking.
20:12And don't talk to me.
20:14And don't smoke.
20:17I'm starving.
20:18Mmm.
20:18Lulu.
20:20Do you like Lulu?
20:21Oh, I'd like one of those.
20:22And I have two of those.
20:24Yes, Lulu.
20:24And I have three of these.
20:25Steady on, Sydney.
20:26And, uh...
20:31Champagne for Lulu.
20:33This is fantastic, isn't it?
20:35Like a reunion.
20:37Uh, where did you two first meet?
20:40I think it was in a make-up shop in Canterbury Street.
20:43Lady Jane's.
20:44That was the first time I met you.
20:45Do you remember?
20:46Do you remember?
20:46I was having my tits painted.
20:48As what?
20:50To look like tits.
20:53Yeah, that's right.
20:54Fantastic.
20:55And then we two used to work together all the time.
20:57I think we did a session.
20:58Zandra, all the time.
20:59You just wanted my body in your clothes.
21:01We just worked and worked and worked.
21:08Look, I need that dress out of the sides.
21:10What is she doing?
21:11Come on, pull yourself together.
21:15Oh, no.
21:16Oh, no, my...
21:17It's just...
21:19It's just...
21:19It's just...
21:19It's just...
21:23I only got her here because she's your friend.
21:25I've just felt sorry for her.
21:27I hardly know her.
21:30I'll come and see you.
21:31Bye.
21:32Bye, sweetie.
21:33Bye, Zandra.
21:34Bye, sweetie.
21:38Oh, yeah, the 60s.
21:39Those are the days, eh, Brit?
21:40Yeah.
21:40Yeah, the Portobello Road.
21:42The King's Road.
21:43The Carnaby Road.
21:45Bont.
21:46Bidal.
21:47Dauphin and Foal.
21:49The Shrimp.
21:49The Twig.
21:50The Stones.
21:51The Beatles.
21:51The Marquis.
21:53The Small Faces.
21:54Terry and Julie.
21:56Peter and Gordon.
21:57Jack and Michael.
21:59John.
22:00Mary.
22:01I don't know you at all, do I?
22:09Well, that was delicious, thanks.
22:11Oh, now she talks, now she talks.
22:14I was going to say, actually, that I really enjoyed your last single.
22:16Yeah, Independence.
22:18Independence.
22:19I've had two since then.
22:21Have you?
22:21No.
22:22I don't know about that.
22:23It's ridiculous.
22:24I thought you'd just gone quiet.
22:26It's all you need.
22:27You need a really good publicity machine.
22:30Who does your PR?
22:31You do.
22:35Brit, how are you doing?
22:36Good to see you.
22:38Just had a great lunch.
22:40Anything inside of two of them?
22:41It's amazing.
22:43Lulu.
22:44Lulu.
22:45Bye, Brit.
22:46Bye, sweetie.
22:46Ciao.
22:47Bye, sweetie.
22:53Hey, darling.
22:54I only came back because you said it was an emergency.
22:57It is an emergency, darling.
22:59Look at this place.
23:00Look, this is an emergency, darling.
23:02Look at this.
23:02Look.
23:03La Croix.
23:04Baby spew.
23:05La Croix.
23:06Baby spew, darling.
23:08It is an emergency.
23:09They've got to go, darling.
23:11I thought she was your friend.
23:13She is my friend, darling.
23:14But no, it's just the baby this, the baby that, darling.
23:17I mean...
23:17Nobody's been paying enough attention to you.
23:19No.
23:20Have you tried talking to her?
23:21Helping her?
23:22Hel...
23:22Oh.
23:25Helping her, darling?
23:26Helping her?
23:27I mean, where's the fun in that, darling?
23:29Hmm?
23:30Look at this.
23:30Why have all my services gone, darling?
23:33It's like living in a small regional branch of mother bloody care, darling.
23:36It's better.
23:37They've got to go, darling, so I can return to some degree of normality.
23:40Oh, whatever that is.
23:41Yes, whatever that is, darling.
23:43But it's not this no-fun-bloody-baby world, is it?
23:46I've managed to help Borpadina a little with the baby.
23:49She seems to be making so much fuss, I thought it wise to call the doctor.
23:53And the baby was making some very strange noises.
23:57Oh, darling.
23:58Is that all right?
23:59He thinks he might be going down with a cold.
24:03But he's not sure.
24:05Anyway, he's gone to sleep now in our bed,
24:07so Max can take the sofa tonight
24:10and I'll take the travel cop.
24:14Are you all right?
24:16Oh, yes.
24:17I'm so sorry I fainted,
24:18but I never was very good with nappies of the brown variety.
24:25Well, I think I'll, um...
24:29I think I'll turn in.
24:31Go on, then.
24:34I don't know how you can, but go on.
24:38Isn't that actually asleep now, the baby thing?
24:41Yeah.
24:43Well, maybe you should get some sleep while here.
24:44Oh, Christ, this is the only time I have to myself!
24:48She's lovely isn't she, darling?
24:49She's lovely isn't she?
24:50Well, you've got a muso.
24:51I'm going to bed.
24:52All right.
24:53All right.
24:54All right.
25:03Has he got any teeth yet?
25:05Oh, Jesus!
25:07You can talk to me about other things, you know.
25:10I mean, I'm not a complete vegetable.
25:13Oh, I'm sorry.
25:14It might seem snappy.
25:15It's just that it's all right.
25:16Yes.
25:17Having a baby can make one very depressed.
25:20I know.
25:22But you have got a lovely baby
25:24and you've got Max
25:25and he's obviously very fond of you.
25:27And he's very good looking.
25:29Really?
25:31I really think so.
25:32Oh, yes.
25:33You're just tense.
25:34You need to unwind and relax.
25:36Yeah, I know.
25:37I know you're right, really.
25:39I don't know how he puts up with me, actually.
25:43Come on.
25:47Someone comes up there.
25:48What if someone comes?
25:49I don't care, but we can't do this.
25:50I don't care.
25:52It's so mean, actually.
25:53You have a minute.
25:54Just wait.
25:55No, no, it's a bit.
25:56I can't.
25:57I tried.
25:58You did it.
25:59No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
26:02no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
26:03no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
26:03no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
26:04no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
26:04no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no