- 13 hours ago
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00:00I really love the thing that you do
00:03I really love the thing that you do
00:06I want your feet and I'm a koo-koo-koo
00:11Sweetness and I'm a dress
00:13You're the way you know you're the best
00:16I'm with me love and I'm in a mess
00:19I really want a chicken koo-koo-koo
00:23Sorry I had so long, darling. I had to clear out my wardrobe
00:27all these horrible, revolting, unfashionable clothes
00:30that I simply would not wear, darling
00:31because they are not fashion
00:32and I put them in a pile on the floor to throw out
00:35I thought you'd put them on, dear
00:37What are you doing here?
00:39Oh, just thought I'd make the most of the house
00:41while you can still afford to keep it up
00:43Thank you, and how is it when I look at you
00:45all I see is wear and tear, wear and tear
00:47I say I remember those trousers
00:50No, you don't
00:51Still hang on to those
00:53Mind you, I'm surprised you can still get into them
00:57It was rather like trying to get toothpaste back into the tube
01:00even then
01:02These are new
01:03Tell us, Sappy darling
01:04The 70s are back
01:06Oh, does that mean you'll be voting Labour again, dear?
01:11Always voted Labour, sweetie
01:12Anyway, I'm only talking about fashion
01:14Thank God for that
01:15Wouldn't want to go through that childhood again
01:17Darling, may you mind me a cup of coffee, darling
01:20Would you, sweet?
01:20Mwah
01:21From the machine, darling
01:22Oh, a chappuccino
01:26Cappuccino
01:27All right
01:28Oh, go on, darling
01:30Make the most of Mummy
01:32While you're still at home
01:33Before you run away to be a student
01:35Oh, you've told her, dear
01:36Well done
01:37Oh, God
01:38Although why anybody wants to be a student nowadays is a mystery to me
01:41No fun, darling
01:42No demos
01:43No experimental drug taking
01:45You're just industry fodder, darling
01:48At least in my day, darling
01:49People used to go to university just to close them down
01:52What will your protest be, darling?
01:54A pair of stripy tights and some licorice all sorts earrings
01:56Oh, well
01:57Call out the National Guard
01:59She's just jealous, dear
02:00I could have been a student
02:02Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho
02:03Think it's too short planks, I report, sir
02:07It did not say that
02:08Did not say that
02:10Ask Patsy, darling
02:11She wrote most of them
02:14There's no milk
02:16Oh, no milk
02:17Haven't Harrods been yet, darling?
02:18They're normally here by now, aren't they?
02:20I'll pop out and get some
02:21Oh, no, they'll be a complete waste of money
02:22And how would you know?
02:24When was the last time you bought a carton of milk?
02:26A carton?
02:30Well, stop it
02:31There's something all hung up about money, darling
02:33It's all pounds, shillings and pence to me
02:36It probably was the last time you had anything to do with it
02:38The Queen carries more cash, your whole life is on account
02:41Oh, stop it
02:42I'll have it black, all right
02:44I'll have a black chapucino, certainly
02:48Espresso
02:48Yes, I am in rather a hurry
02:52As a matter of fact, I think I'd better be off
02:54Oh, God
02:54I want to catch the post
02:55Oh, dear
02:56What a strange, archaic little world you live in, isn't it?
02:59Bye, Gran
03:00Bye, dear
03:00Just leave
03:01Oh, turn out the phones, Lee
03:03Just leave and go straight out that front door
03:08Do not go upstairs to my bedroom and steal things
03:12I don't know what she's talking about
03:13She's deranged
03:14I passed that sad little excuse for a charity shop yesterday
03:19I saw your little piece of handiwork in the window
03:22Must be the only genuine La Croix Versace quilty bedspread in existence
03:27Gran, it was in a bin liner
03:30It was my dry cleaning, darling
03:33Bye, Gran
03:34Goodbye, dear
03:36Oh, by the way
03:37If you do hit hard times
03:39And there is anything you need to sell
03:41My friend Hermione has this little shop
03:47Brick and brag and nick and that
03:49Thanks
03:51Any old junk taken? Why don't you trade yourself in?
03:54Get out, go on
03:56She'd give you a very good price, dear
03:57Oh, just leave
03:58I'm only trying to help
04:01Are you for turkey?
04:03Bye, Gran
04:05Gran
04:06Gran
04:08Mum and Gran
04:10Mum and Gran
04:11Mum and Gran
04:12God, it's so depressing
04:13It's like something like EastEnders, darling, isn't it?
04:15Mum and Gran
04:17I'm sure you could find a more appropriate name for that thieving old person, couldn't you?
04:22Like Moomy
04:24Or Nanu
04:26Or Old Cucka
04:29Light, light, light, oh
04:31Light, light
04:38Oh dear
04:38Pats
04:39Bloody hell
04:42Not another no smoking cab, Pats
04:44They must see you coming these days
04:46Bloody bastard asthmatic cab driver
04:53Well, I hope you refuse to pay him this time
04:55He was one of your account cabs, Eds, I think you should get him fired
04:59Oh, so not only do you want the man to die of passive smoking, but you also want to deny
05:02him a living of any kind
05:04Passive smoking? I suppose we're shortening your life, are we, darling?
05:07If only
05:10For your information, you have to be taking great big lung bucketfuls to make any difference
05:14Not little wasp, Pats?
05:16No
05:18And excuse me if I sue when I die prematurely of passive boredom
05:25Of dollars, dishwater, daughter-induced stress, alright?
05:30A whole bloody hour it took me, I nearly didn't make it
05:32Girl, why didn't you use those nicotine patches I gave you for emergencies, darling?
05:35I did, but they're all dead now
05:39Let me get around, darling
05:40You ready?
05:44Yeah, yeah, go
05:47Really? Okay
05:51Actually, most of these all seem alright, darling
05:52In fact, they're leeching something out of your skin rather than the other way around
05:56She's probably recharging them
05:58Oh, careful, lady, don't rip so hard
06:01Yes, be careful
06:02At her age, the flesh slides off the bone like a well-cooked chicken
06:07For your information, there are some people who would pay a lot of money for Patsy's body
06:10Morticians
06:11How much do you think you'd get for a resin-barned carcass?
06:14No wonder she's always been refused a donor card
06:16Come on, come on, come on
06:17Come on, come on, come on
06:24Oh, wasp, sweetie
06:26All of my cars here
06:27Oh, Eddie, I thought a little mosey down Bond Street
06:30A little sniff around Gucci, sidle up to Ralph Lauren
06:33Pass through brands and then on to Quags for a light lunch
06:35Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum
06:36Tell her
06:38I've just got to pop in for a bit of...
06:40Mum
06:41I've got to meet my accountant this morning
06:43We won't take long, will it, sweetie?
06:44Why?
06:45Well, because her bastard father and Marshall are trying to cut off my alimony payments
06:49That's why
06:49She's been bleeding them dry for years
06:51Whose side are you on?
06:52Do you want us to be poor?
06:53You'll be poor?
06:55That's got you worried
06:56Eddie, we simply cannot allow them to cut us off like this
06:59Now, listen, sweetie, it is not alimony
07:01It is compensation
07:02Yes, yes, for what?
07:07It's done
07:09It's damages, sweetie
07:10For those long, crippling hours of painful labour I went through on your behalf
07:14You had a caesarean
07:16She's like, no
07:17I had a caesarean, darling
07:19But how do you think it feels for me to wake up every morning and look down and see her
07:22stomach still smiling back up at her?
07:25Come on, let's go
07:26Come on, let's go, darling
07:28Little meeting, big lunch
07:30Come on, darling
07:31Do they have quags or Daphnis?
07:34I don't know, I'm not awake, I'm not awake
07:37Right, I'm here, don't panic, everything's under control
07:40Come on, relax, we're on time, in fact, we're a bit early
07:42Look, Eddie's not here, let's make a quick getaway before the bastard arrives
07:47I can't, darling, I can't
07:48Where's Bubble, where's Bubble?
07:49Oh, is this it?
07:51Oh, God
07:51Bubble, wake up, Bubble, come on, wake up, darling
07:54Oh, it's like tea break on the Thunderbird set
07:57Somebody operating up, please
08:00Oh, creepers, creepers
08:03Blimey, you're here
08:04Was I asleep?
08:06Hard to tell
08:07I've been here for hours
08:10I'll be really annoyed if I've missed lunch
08:13It's 11 o'clock
08:14It's just I'm really, really tired
08:16Oh, do we have to listen to all this?
08:18Well, we've sort of got time on our hands now, thanks to Sam
08:20I turned on the, hmm, whatchamacallit this morning?
08:25Radio?
08:25I want to say telephone
08:29No, it's not right
08:31It's not right
08:32You look at it
08:34Television
08:34That's it
08:35Good morning, television
08:37Hello
08:38Which I don't normally do
08:40Cos I find myself falling back to sleep like that
08:42Good morning, television, my God
08:44If they could market that in pill form, Switzerland would be plunged into a recession
08:50And anyway, they said leave home now, there's a strike on the buses
08:53We're really urgent
08:55So I did, and I got here hours ago
08:57On the tube?
08:59No, on the lift-down road
09:01I walk here, so we must be bonkers
09:05I wonder what they're telling everyone else
09:08Can I go see my accountant?
09:11She's talking to you
09:12Oh
09:14What's he look like?
09:15He looks like an accountant sweetie, doesn't he?
09:17I'm a bitter paper pusher, always dealing with salaries larger than his own and resenting every second
09:22Ugh
09:31Mum, come on, let's get going
09:33How many times can you go to the toilet?
09:35I just had to get rid of bubble, that's all darling
09:37Don't want her knowing my business
09:39Chance would be a fine thing
09:40Right, sorry Malcolm
09:42Look, all I want to know is how much money I've got on my own and then you make it
09:45look like less so my husband's can't cut me off, alright?
09:46Right
09:47Well first of all I think we should look at the fiscal
09:49Oh God, I'm bored
09:51Don't be intimidated Eddie
09:53I mean look at him
09:54There's nothing macho about having an O level in maths, a floppy disk and a personality bypass
09:58Come on, let's go
09:59Mum, this meeting is for you
10:01Malcolm has come here to talk to you, to help you
10:04Now sit down and shut up
10:08Oh
10:09Sorry Malcolm
10:12Alright, go on
10:12Well first of all let me say that the question of alimony is now settled
10:16Oh well there we are, come on Pat
10:17You are no longer receiving payments
10:21What?
10:22You bastard
10:25They can't do that
10:27They have
10:30You knew about this, didn't you sweetie?
10:33Well
10:35Look
10:36Am I
10:38Poor?
10:39Just yes or no
10:41Let me explain
10:42Oh no
10:43So
10:45If you expend the 38% then all liabilities with the necessary adjustments can be done in respect of your
10:51company
10:51Which I find rather exciting
10:54With the accumulation of overpayments on outstanding tax liabilities a little man will be due
11:02So let's move on to the depreciation
11:05I just want to know how much money I've got
11:08Why will you never tell me?
11:11Huh?
11:11I mean I've got two businesses haven't I?
11:14Oh yes, your er
11:15Businesses
11:17What did you do then? What's that?
11:20What's that?
11:22This is a
11:23This is a top PR company, there must be money in it, isn't there?
11:26Well there will always be talented creative people in need of publicity
11:29Oh God, if they were talented and creative they wouldn't need me
11:31We're talking Planet Hollywood
11:33Exactly
11:35Unfortunately there is not much profit showing at the moment
11:37Oh God, what about my shop?
11:39Well you're wondering about that in the office
11:40Um, yes, but a stock seems to go in and then come out but it's never paid for
11:45Most of it is in our sitting room
11:46Oh darling, you didn't have to tell him that
11:49I like to think of my home as a showroom, alright
11:52Right, tell Mum what she could do, Malcolm
11:53Now listen Mum
11:56Well what you could do is sell off your businesses
11:58And live quite happily on the proceeds
12:02Are you mad?
12:05Do you mean make myself unemployed?
12:09Have you any idea what the government do to unemployed people darling?
12:14They are forced to do community service
12:19Putting loft insulation into urine stinking old people's home for the impulsivity
12:26That's me darling, you two conspirators can think again
12:31Well there's only one thing for it, we will have to go through your monthly bills
12:34And see where a cut could be made
12:41Business, business, that's my flowers, that's business
12:46Pedicure and nose plucking
12:50Look at me like that
12:53It is very important for business for me to look good
12:57And looking good costs money
12:58I'm not like Safi, I can't walk around looking like a stale old piece of toast
13:02Exactly
13:05It takes more than a cold flannel and some body shop oatmeal scrub for me, you know
13:11I mean I can't meet clients smelling like an old bowl of porridge, can I sweetie?
13:15These are valid business expenses
13:17Jit sag
13:18It's my shiatsu
13:19Geoffrey Weinbaum
13:21Decorator
13:21Oh yes, this one comes up again and again
13:23Don Alfonso de Colombo
13:32So, wicker baskets
13:34Parasites
13:34Stop getting at Patsy
13:36It's not her fault you know
13:37I mean we're both here having to do all this darling
13:40And he is doing nothing about this huge amount of tax I'm still having to pay
13:44I am doing everything I can within the law
13:46Oh God, what on earth is the point of having an accountant if he's within the law?
13:50I might as well do it myself
13:51In fact, I think I will
13:52Right, I'm off
13:57Wasp, sweetie
14:06She's gone to choose a smaller car
14:08I told her to get rid of that ridiculous driver in the limo
14:10You didn't tell her I was paying for you to go to university, did you?
14:13I had to
14:14Oh no
14:15I mean it is alright, you know money-wise
14:17There's no real problem
14:18Dad, she's not poor
14:19She's got more money hanging around in little schemes and investments
14:21Than it's safe for her to know about
14:23Malcolm and I just frightened her into slimming everything down a bit
14:25Oh, she's not a great slimmer, sweetie
14:27I mean she could eat air and put on weight
14:29Yes, well I intend to keep her thinking she's poor for a while
14:31Make us out the worst of her excesses
14:33Ooh, they say all daughters turn into their mothers
14:36Dad!
14:38Oh, Jesus Christ
14:40Sir!
14:41Dad's here
14:42Don't forget what you agreed
14:44I am civilised to my platform toes, darling
14:49Hello, Justin
14:50Edwina
14:53I'll get you a little coffee or something for my new machine
14:57Although I'm not sure we've got any coffee to go in it anymore
14:59Since Harrods no longer visit me daily
15:02The only delivery we get nowadays is from the Red Cross
15:07I suppose I could just go through the motions
15:09You'd probably like that just and it'd be a little bit
15:11Like our marriage
15:19Isn't it rather lovely for you, darling, to see Mummy and Daddy sharing a joke like that?
15:23Is this really...
15:25Well, I'm really glad you're taking this so well
15:28I just can't bloody believe that you're on a finger
15:30So you can send that to further education? What kind of father are you?
15:36Hi, darling. Patsy and I are off shopping.
15:39Pats?
15:40Just?
15:41Pats?
15:41Did you get a smaller car?
15:42Yes, minuscule, darling. Practically a bicycle.
15:45Yes, yes, yes.
15:47Here's a list.
15:48What is the list?
15:50Shopping list.
15:52Shopping list for Mum. Thank you, darling.
15:56Milk.
15:58Milk? Where am I supposed to go for milk?
16:02Food halls. On the left, past the fish.
16:03If you go to the food halls, you might as well get the lot there.
16:06You can't get the food shopping from Harrods.
16:08Of course you can.
16:09You can't expect people who live in Knightsbridge to eat out all the time.
16:13Go to the supermarket.
16:20The what, darling?
16:23Supermarket shopping.
16:25Eggs, cod steaks, apples for sale.
16:27Eggs, cod steaks, apples for sale.
16:30Eggs, cod steaks, apples for sale.
16:32That's not the car.
16:34The smallest one I could find, darling.
16:35It's a tiny look.
16:36It's barely room for the basket in here, darling.
16:38No room for you, I'm afraid. I told you so.
16:40Unless Patsy wants you on a knee, do you, darling?
16:42No?
16:43I didn't want you, darling.
16:44Safety first.
16:45No way, sweetie.
16:53Good girl!
16:54Talk to her, California!
16:56Oh, it's such a lovely place!
16:59Such a lovely place!
17:01Such a lovely place!
17:02Ten, let's have the roof off and I'll be hot.
17:33Oh
17:40Yeah, they used to be a supermarket here
18:21Hello
18:27Come to the trolley pack
18:29Bring a trolley
18:42Oh God, you're real
18:44Okay darling, I can't push any more
18:48But sweetie
18:49I haven't got the strength darling, come on
18:52God damn it
19:03It's all three
19:05All three here
19:06All right
19:07Eddie
19:08Eddie
19:09Please, please, please, please
19:12I've got a little champagne, put it underneath
19:17Just so you can't be shocked for me this
19:20Working mum
19:25We're going to park
19:29Eddie, we've been here four times
19:32I'm just going to put it in here
19:34I'm just going to put it in
19:35Just go here
19:36That's fine
19:37That's fine
19:39That's okay
19:39That's okay
19:40That's okay
19:41They know me here
19:42All day
19:42All right
19:45There's a bar on the fifth floor
19:48Might start there
19:49Donnie, I'll put my shoe off
19:55Donnie, you have to slow down when I'm walking in these shoes
19:57I can't
19:58Eddie, what's this?
19:59What's this?
20:01What's this?
20:01What is this?
20:02Has that been there all the time?
20:06What is this?
20:08Oh
20:08God
20:13Why does it have to be in some underground shame hole like this?
20:17Is this the car club?
20:23I've got this on my car
20:25It's a clamp, all right?
20:27I mean, I left it there for ten minutes
20:29Do you understand?
20:30Ten minutes
20:31Until I get that car insured
20:32It's a very expensive car
20:33I have to park it where I can see it
20:35Do you understand me?
20:37This is going to be serious
20:38You're sick
20:38I don't want to be waiting in my car for two or three hours
20:41What am I going to do for two bloody hours?
20:48Come by
20:48Come by
20:52What?
20:53What?
21:02What?
21:04What?
21:05What?
21:05What?
21:07What?
21:09What?
21:10What the hell?
21:13What are you doing to her?
21:16What?
21:16What?
21:17What?
21:18What's taking my friend to the hospital?
21:21What?
21:23What?
21:23What?
21:31Driving without a license
21:33Driving without insurance
21:34Driving without insurance
21:34Not wearing seatbelt
21:36Having no tax disc displayed
21:37Driving over the legal speed limit
21:39Driving under the influence of alcohol
21:41Allowing another person to drive your vehicle
21:44Under the influence of alcohol
21:46in the region of £5,000 of parking fees owing,
21:50£6,000 of damage to property,
21:53charges of assault and abuse,
21:55the charges of attempted murder and robbery have been dropped.
21:59Shocklifting.
22:01My name is Patsy Stone. I'm an alcoholic.
22:04And what she did was an act of humanitarian mercy.
22:07That is hardly a reason to steal a crate of champagne.
22:09Have you had the idea how much champagne costs these days?
22:12I was forced to steal it.
22:14My daughter wouldn't have allowed me to buy it.
22:16I must ask you to sit down and stop wasting the court's time.
22:21The sum of £50,000 to be paid by you in damages
22:24and a further fine of £2,000.
22:27You will also be liable for all costs incurred.
22:30Getting rid of the driver is a little bit of a false economy,
22:32isn't it?
22:32A lifetime ban on driving.
22:35And finally, Mrs Monsoon...
22:36Can I just say one word in my defence?
22:38I don't think that's a good idea, Mum.
22:40Your mouth is working for the prosecution.
22:41This is what I do well, sweetie.
22:43You might get some little tips for the debating society.
22:45You never know.
22:48Without notes, sir.
22:52Right.
22:54I, the proposed accused, think that, well, I mean, you know,
23:00the day in question was not a good day for me, all right?
23:03But I put it to you that I don't see how any day could have been
23:06the way this bloody country's run.
23:08I mean, you know, I was just trying to do my best,
23:11trying to get from A to B, do a little shopping.
23:14I was trying to take control of my life, you know,
23:16only to find that actually it is controlled for me
23:19by petty bureaucracy and bits of bloody paper
23:23and ignorant bloody petty rules and laws
23:26that just obstruct every tiny little action
23:29until you find you've committed a crime without even knowing.
23:33I mean, you know,
23:35why can't life just be made a little easier for everybody, huh?
23:39Why can't it be more like the continent, hmm?
23:42You know, where a man can just park his car on the pavement
23:46and then run down the street in front of charging bulls
23:49whilst letting fireworks off out of his bloody nostrils
23:51without him wanting to get a bit high, huh?
23:53Because it's probably a local holiday and nobody's at work
23:56because they all want to have just a little bit of fun
23:58and they're not intimidated by some outdated work ethic.
24:01I mean, there has to be more to life than just being safe.
24:04Is there a point to all this?
24:10Yes, yes.
24:12Why, oh, why do we pay taxes?
24:16I mean, just to have bloody parking restrictions
24:19and buggery, ugly traffic wardens
24:21and baller-key pedestrian bloody crossings, you know?
24:25And those bastard railings outside shops
24:28so you can't even get in them!
24:30I mean, I know they're there to stop stupid people
24:33running into the street and killing themselves,
24:35but we're not all stupid!
24:37We don't all need nursemaiding!
24:40I mean, why not just have a stupidity tax?
24:43Just tax the stupid people!
24:45Die!
24:46Yes!
24:46Any more of this ridiculous rant
24:48and I'll put you both away.
24:50Hear, hear.
24:54Edwina, Margaret, Rose, Monsoon.
24:57I hear by...