- 2 days ago
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00:03Maybe I'm stupid, maybe the jury's stupid, so many things don't add up.
00:10You say you were in a restaurant, you ate alone, but no one remembers you.
00:16And the flowers. The flowers.
00:23It seems very odd that you would send your wife flowers and not include a card.
00:29Whenever I send my wife flowers, I always wrote a card.
00:32Objection! When did you ever send me flowers?
00:36I sent you flowers?
00:37Name me one occasion when you sent me flowers.
00:39After your mother died.
00:40A wreath doesn't count.
00:41Of course it does.
00:43Does that count?
00:46My lord, does that count?
00:48It's still flowers. You asked, when did I ever send you flowers? Let's stick to the facts, shall we?
00:52Shove your facts and your flowers.
00:54Order! Order!
00:56I order you to kiss and make up.
01:02My lord.
01:04You heard me.
01:22I want you to come back. Thank nothing.
01:43Hello?
01:44Hi.
01:45Hey, how are you doing?
01:46Nervous.
01:47Why?
01:48Big night, innit?
01:48Why? What's happening?
01:50Filming the sitcom.
01:51What sitcom?
01:52My sitcom.
01:53You're coming down.
01:54Oh, yeah.
01:55I thought that was next week.
01:56No, it's tonight, 7.30.
01:57Then every Thursday for six weeks.
01:59Put it in your diary. I haven't got a diary.
02:02It's a figure of speech. You're doing a speech?
02:04Well, this has been helpful.
02:05I'm glad I called. All right, listen. Let me know how it goes, eh?
02:08You're coming down. Oh, all right, then.
02:10What time does it start?
02:137.30.
02:14All right, then. Bye.
02:15All right. Cheers.
02:29All right, see you later. Bye, yeah.
02:32Hiya.
02:33Hi.
02:34What were you rolling your eyes at?
02:35Just all that long. Ooh, falling all over you.
02:38That must get a bit exhausting, eh?
02:40Yeah, it can be pretty exhausting, yeah.
02:42Especially because they're just doing it because you're famous.
02:45Well, they're not doing it just because I'm famous, though.
02:47Oh, it is, though, innit?
02:48No, it's my looks as well.
02:50Hmm. I just don't think that they would be acting like that if you weren't a film star.
02:55Yeah, they pretty much would. Yeah, I've always had attention.
02:57No, all I'm saying is, like, if you were the prop boy, you'd just get ignored.
03:03What, with this face? I wouldn't get ignored.
03:06I'll tell you, it does get ignored.
03:08Johnny Depp.
03:09On the set of Pirates of the Caribbean, the birds just walk straight past him.
03:12Get out of the bloody way, whoever you are. We want to get into Orlando.
03:15They're around me like flies around shit.
03:17They ignore Johnny Depp?
03:18Yeah. They're going, oh, Orlando, who's that freak over there that we didn't notice?
03:22I'm going, it's Johnny Depp.
03:23You know, they're going, who cares?
03:25You know, you were Legolas in Lord of the Rings.
03:27Ooh, look at me, I make art house movies.
03:30Ooh, I've got scissors for hands.
03:32Willy Wonka, Johnny Wanker.
03:44Hey, buddy. All right. How's it going, all set?
03:47I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing. This is not the comedy I set out to do.
03:50I wanted to write something real that people would relate to, and it's all changed because people have stuck their
03:55nose in.
03:55Yeah, I'm hearing you, all right? But do you know what? This is typical first night nerves.
03:59All right, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, oh, the script's not funny, you know, it's crass, it's lowest
04:02common denominator.
04:03And, you know, you're right. But don't worry about it, because people will watch anything, all right?
04:07Particularly if it's on After EastEnders and they've got to change the channel.
04:09Those sort of morons will help us win the ratings war. And, you know, ratings in the end are what
04:13count? And merchandise.
04:14Well, it's not a count to me, all right? I want to write a good, credible comedy that would stand
04:17the test of time.
04:18Yeah, no, okay. Well, I agree. And I was just saying that, because that's what I thought you wanted me
04:21to say.
04:21Well, don't. Tell the truth.
04:23Well, I will. And the truth is, if you're not happy, I'm right behind you.
04:26Right.
04:26And, you know, I've got the perfect replacement.
04:28For what?
04:28For you, for your character. It's only Barry.
04:32All right, Sean.
04:33He's all set. Knows all the lines. He's ready to go. He can step in. What's your character's catchphrase?
04:36It's not a catchphrase. It's some of the real ways to actually say.
04:38What was it?
04:40You having a laugh? Is he having a laugh?
04:42Look at that. Nothing. Stony face. I love a giggle, me. I love a laugh, don't I? You do it.
04:46Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh?
04:49He's kidding. I don't know how he comes up with it.
04:50He didn't come up with it.
04:51Yeah.
04:52The thing about Barry is, and I've noticed this, right, people will laugh at him. They never laugh with him.
04:56It's extraordinary.
04:57Look at that face. A sort of undercurrent of tragedy to it, isn't there? Do it.
05:00Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh?
05:03I love it because he's desperate.
05:04Yeah, the roll's taken. Cheers.
05:07Oh, nice. Hello. How's it going, all right?
05:08Yeah. Anything all right?
05:10I think so, Damon.
05:11Yeah, everybody's in. Rehearsal should kick off about 20 past.
05:14Right.
05:15Just one teeny, itsy, wincy little hiccup. Paul Shane's dropped out.
05:20Why?
05:21He was worried it was a little bit too broad.
05:23Paul Shane thinks this is too broad? Right.
05:26Well, it's only a little part, isn't it? We've got a replacement. Keith's on his way.
05:30Keith? Keith Chegwin.
05:32Keith Chegwin.
05:33Can he act? He's a TV presenter, isn't he?
05:35I thought they had a nice little bit of extra kitsch value.
05:38Yeah. Right. See, that does annoy me a little bit.
05:41Why?
05:42Well, if you're looking for a podgy fellow, he'll do anything to get on the telly.
05:44Barry!
05:45You're trying to get in my part a minute ago.
05:47Well, he's versatile. He's multi-talented.
05:48You never even saw his one-man version of Romeo and Juliet.
05:50Well, do a bit for him. It was brilliant.
05:51Oh, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied.
05:55What satisfaction canst thou have tonight?
05:58The exchange of thy love's faithful vow for mine.
06:02Oh, I gave thee mine before thou didst request it, and yet I would it were to give again.
06:14It always gets me that bit.
06:16Well done.
06:16All right.
06:24Maggie.
06:25Hello.
06:26Oh, hi.
06:28You're not still an extra, are you?
06:30God, that must be your heading. You know I'm an actress now.
06:33How long have you been an extra?
06:34Sporting artist.
06:35How long have you been doing that?
06:36I was about 18 months, and then I was plucked out of the cesspool.
06:39No disrespect.
06:40None taken.
06:41I've got a scene later with Orlando Bloom.
06:43He's gorgeous.
06:44Wow.
06:45I just did a scene with him.
06:46No, but, yeah, I mean, I've got an actual scene with Guy Locke.
06:49Not just a fuzzy blob in the background.
06:51No disrespect.
06:52None taken.
06:53Again.
06:53Well, oh, it's Matty Bowers. I've just got to take this.
06:57Hello, darling.
06:58Hmm.
06:59Ha, ha, ha.
07:01Ah!
07:03Listen, listen.
07:04No, Mat.
07:04Can I just call you back?
07:05So I'm just with a friend?
07:07Yes.
07:08She is female.
07:10Oh, he says, can I take a picture of you.
07:12Hold on a sec.
07:14Come on.
07:16I'll text it to you.
07:17You're a dirty old man.
07:18Bye.
07:20She's not old.
07:21He's 28, and he's got his own yacht.
07:22Oh.
07:23No.
07:23He's got a catch.
07:25So, where are you living at the moment?
07:27Have you got your own place?
07:27Yes, I've got my own place.
07:29Oh, because you were renting before.
07:30I've got your little council place behind Londis.
07:33I'm still there.
07:34You're well, though.
07:35Surprisingly.
07:36Yeah, well, that's the main thing.
07:38Even if you've got nothing else, at least you've got your health, eh?
07:41At the moment.
07:41Yeah.
07:43Talking of bad luck.
07:44Did you hear about Barbara?
07:45Trevor's left her for a younger model.
07:47She is devastated.
07:49Honestly, all alone.
07:51Crying herself to sleep every night in that big house.
07:53She has got her own house, at least, which is something.
07:56Good for her.
07:57Oh, will that be Matty?
08:01No.
08:04Never mind.
08:07Oh, he's late again.
08:08Alfie's going to be in so much trouble.
08:10Well, I'm not carrying the can for him again.
08:12Well, there's no excuses this time.
08:14Mr Stokes said if he's late one more time, he's going to give him the brush off.
08:20Oh, here he is.
08:22Alfie.
08:22Not again.
08:23Why are you late?
08:24Because I buried my sister today.
08:27Yep, great.
08:28Let's move on to the next scene.
08:29Sorry.
08:30I don't interfere.
08:31Is that how he's going to do it?
08:32It's meant to be a sad line.
08:32I buried my sister today.
08:34He was smiling.
08:35It's got to be an emotional...
08:36Hang on, everyone.
08:37Sorry, Keith.
08:38Can we try that again?
08:38You were smiling, mate.
08:40It's, um...
08:41They all sort of think you're a joke because you're always late,
08:43but today you've got a valid reason.
08:44You buried your sister.
08:45It's sort of like a...
08:46Oh, it's like an emotional point.
08:48Can we do it again?
08:49Yeah, no worries.
08:50OK.
08:51Sorry.
08:55You're smiling again.
08:56You mustn't smile.
08:58You're sad.
08:59OK?
08:59You've just been to a funeral.
09:02OK?
09:03In you come.
09:07Alfie.
09:07Not again.
09:09Why are you late?
09:11Because I buried my sister today.
09:14Don't look at the camera.
09:15You mustn't look at the camera.
09:17OK?
09:18Yeah.
09:18It sort of breaks the news that this is real life.
09:20Right.
09:21Go again.
09:23OK.
09:24In you come.
09:25Action.
09:26You're smiling.
09:27Sad.
09:28You look straight at the lens again.
09:30Good.
09:30Double whammy.
09:31And again.
09:33Action.
09:36Alfie.
09:36Not again.
09:38Why are you late?
09:39Because I...
09:39We can't see you, Keith.
09:40You've gone too far.
09:41OK?
09:41You've got to stay on that mark.
09:44The blue mark down there, that's for you to stand on.
09:46Because that's where the camera is pointing.
09:48And then we can see your face.
09:50So, just to recap.
09:51Come in.
09:51Not smiling because you're sad.
09:52Because you're just buried your sister.
09:53Don't look at the camera.
09:55And stand on that mark.
09:56So, we can see you on the telly.
09:58OK?
10:00There's a lot to remember, isn't there?
10:01There is a lot to remember.
10:02There is a lot to remember.
10:03It's called acting.
10:04OK.
10:05OK.
10:06Action.
10:08Sad.
10:09Too far.
10:10Left a bit.
10:11Don't look at me.
10:12OK.
10:12Ask him the question.
10:13Why are you late?
10:14Because my sister buried me today.
10:15Oh, for fuck's sake.
10:16Why would your sister bury you?
10:18That would be mental.
10:19Oh.
10:20Sorry, I get so confused.
10:22The thing is, my sister's not dead.
10:23What?
10:24I told him when I started, my sister.
10:27She's not dead.
10:29Do you mean in real life?
10:31Yeah.
10:33Presumably you don't work in a factory in real life?
10:36No.
10:36And your name's not Alfie?
10:37Yeah, he said that's another thing.
10:39Sometimes.
10:41I don't know who's talking to who.
10:45Would you rather be called Keith in this?
10:47It would help.
10:51OK, everyone.
10:52We're changing Keith's character name from Alfie to Keith.
10:53OK, good.
10:54Let's go again.
10:57This time, then.
10:58OK.
10:59In you come, Keith.
11:00Keith me or Keith the character?
11:02Same person.
11:03Keith.
11:04OK.
11:05Keith, you and Keith the character.
11:06All in one, Keith.
11:07OK, in you come.
11:08Action.
11:11Door's stuck.
11:11That's lunch.
11:15OK.
11:16No, OK, bye.
11:18Bye.
11:20Yeah, it's just so cool to do a small part in a film, but I just had to let them
11:22down.
11:22I'm too busy.
11:24Oh, I wonder if they'd want you.
11:26No, I wouldn't have thought so.
11:27No, hang on.
11:28Let me give them a call.
11:29Try and help my bloody mates.
11:30You need the help.
11:31Oh, yeah.
11:32Hang on.
11:33Hiya, Pauline.
11:34Listen, about that job.
11:35I've got a friend who's available.
11:37Does she have to be good looking?
11:40Does she?
11:41No.
11:43Oh, I don't know.
11:43Late thirties, early forties?
11:46I'd say mousy, but lovely girl.
11:50Great personality.
11:51Desperate for anything.
11:54No.
11:55All right, well, I tried.
11:56OK, cheers.
11:58Oh, sorry about that.
11:59It's not your lucky day.
12:05You OK?
12:06Yeah.
12:09Come on, I'm going.
12:22I'm back again.
12:2514 years I did here at the BBC.
12:28Swap shop.
12:30Checkers plays pop.
12:31All sorts.
12:33It's still run by Jews and queers, is it?
12:36It's what?
12:37This place.
12:38It's still run by Jews and queers.
12:43I think there are some Jewish people.
12:46And some gay people, yeah.
12:48Gay.
12:50Yeah, I forgot.
12:51Not meant to say queer, are you?
12:53It's just something abnormal.
12:56What could be more normal than shoving your cock up a bloke's arse?
13:01I put it this way.
13:03If God had wanted a cock up an arse,
13:05he wouldn't have given us minges.
13:09Men have knobs.
13:11Women have fannies.
13:13Pop knob in fanny.
13:17Knock the arse.
13:19Good.
13:21Nice to be making notes.
13:23You want?
13:24Nothing.
13:25It's all good advice.
13:39Hi.
13:40Hello again.
13:42Are you reading?
13:42Oh, just hello.
13:44Oh, yeah, heat.
13:49Oh, no, I don't believe it.
13:51What is it?
13:52Just top five sexiest film stars, for God's sake.
13:54You in it?
13:55Number one.
13:58Stupid.
13:58What do they mean, these lists?
13:59Nothing, really.
14:00Don't slug them off.
14:00It's their opinion.
14:02Just, oh, no, look at this.
14:04Woman magazine.
14:33I am having an affair with my brother-in-law's ghost.
14:36It was the same with a set of Pirates of the Caribbean.
14:38Me and Keira Knightley do a kissing scene.
14:39I do a brilliant tape.
14:40Everyone claps.
14:41The director goes, oh, that was amazing.
14:43Keira goes, oh, can we just do that kissing bit again?
14:45Well, I know what she's up to.
14:48And I tease her and I go, if you want to kiss somebody, why don't you kiss Johnny Depp?
14:51She goes, don't make me fucking sick.
14:52I'm going to vomit if you carry on like that.
14:55Why do you keep talking about Johnny Depp?
14:57I don't keep talking about him.
14:58I never talk about him.
14:59He's boring.
14:59He's a prat.
15:00Where I'm from, he wouldn't last five minutes.
15:01He gets smacked straight away.
15:02Where are you from?
15:03Happily on the Wald, near Royal Windsor.
15:04Oh.
15:06But, yeah, they're all subjective, though, those lists, though, weren't they?
15:09Well, no.
15:09Obviously, I am objectively really good looking.
15:11It's not objective, is it?
15:14Personally, I think you're a wee bit.
15:17What's that?
15:18You winding me up?
15:19Come out for a drink later.
15:20I can't meet my friend.
15:21Come out for a coffee with me, you know?
15:23Come on, just get to know me.
15:24Get to know the normal me.
15:25Take a better look and you'll see the attractiveness.
15:28I don't think you are.
15:32Liar.
15:42Try them up.
15:43Bit wacky, aren't they?
15:44Bit glasses are funny.
15:46Real way they didn't even wear glasses.
15:48Put them on.
15:52That's funny.
15:53Do the catchphrase.
15:54It's not a catchphrase, it's something you actually used to say.
15:56Do it.
15:57You're having a laugh, isn't you?
15:58You're having a laugh.
16:01Now the wig.
16:03What about that one?
16:04It looks ridiculous.
16:05That looks funny.
16:07You didn't even have curly hair.
16:08Curly?
16:09It's funny.
16:09What do you mean, curly is funny?
16:10Curly hair.
16:11Yeah, it's funny.
16:12Apple Marks.
16:14Leo Sayer.
16:15I can name you loads of people with curly hair that aren't funny.
16:17Starsky from Starsky & Hutch.
16:19Jim Morrison.
16:20Blacks.
16:20Don't say blacks.
16:22What shall I say?
16:23Say black people.
16:25Okay.
16:26Black people aren't funny.
16:28Black people are funny, Keith.
16:29Name one black person that's funny.
16:31I can name you loads of black people that are funny.
16:32Dave Chappelle, Chris Rock, Eddie Murphy.
16:35English.
16:37Don't change the rules halfway through.
16:40There are loads of funny English black people too.
16:43Who?
16:45Erm.
16:47Erm.
16:48Erm.
16:49Erm.
17:06Good news.
17:07Oh, more good news.
17:08Excellent.
17:08Right.
17:09Eddie Osborne.
17:11Electrician.
17:11He split up with his wife a while ago and he's back on the market.
17:14Lovely guy.
17:15Just your type.
17:16Really?
17:17Sweet guy.
17:18He's a lovely guy.
17:18Interested?
17:20Yeah.
17:22Great.
17:22Eddie?
17:24Yo!
17:27This is her?
17:32No.
17:33Never mind.
17:34I'm followed.
17:35I just don't know where you're going wrong.
17:39Right.
17:40Kiss me.
17:41One kiss.
17:42Come on.
17:42No!
17:43One kiss.
17:43Just let me show you how I do it.
17:45No tongues if you don't want.
17:45Right.
17:46I was going to shut you up.
17:55Well, not really my cup of tea.
18:08Sorry about that.
18:14You're in this club.
18:16This vision walks up.
18:18She says, hiya, handsome.
18:19Want to buy me a drink?
18:20What do you say?
18:21I say I've not made of money.
18:23Oh, you're never going to get a woman like that.
18:25No, I don't want a woman like that.
18:27Go on, be nice to her.
18:29Caress her hair.
18:31No, don't pack her.
18:32She's not a dog.
18:33She must be a dog if she's going out with him.
18:35Oh!
18:36Oh, Mr Stilkes.
18:39Sorry.
18:46Maybe waggle the glasses.
18:48I'm not sure about the glasses.
18:49You've got to have the glasses.
18:50It's hysterical.
18:50I don't think so.
18:51It's definitely funnier with the glasses.
18:53Yeah, it is.
18:53I agree.
18:54There's a surprise.
18:55Well, look, I'm sorry that my presence here as head of comedy irritates you, but I've been
18:58in this business a lot longer than you, and my opinion will be heard because I'm the man
19:02with the money.
19:03It's not your money, though, is it?
19:04No, but I'm entrusted to make sure that it's spent correctly.
19:07Oh, well, we'll make sure it's spent correctly, which is apparently on funny glasses.
19:10I'll just take five, right?
19:11Yes.
19:16Oh, well, do you mind if I take these for later on?
19:19Can I just say that I know what you're going through?
19:21My character on EastEnders, he started out as an interesting three-dimensional person,
19:25but then over the years the writers turned him into a joke, and that's why I walked away.
19:28You know, it wasn't what I wanted to do.
19:29And I know some people look at me now and say I was a fool, but I know that I
19:33walked away
19:34with my integrity and my pride intact.
19:36I just think you've got to do what you think is right.
19:44Ian, can I have a word?
19:46Yeah, what is it?
19:47This isn't a comedy I set up to make, OK?
19:49In fact, I think it's awful.
19:51Yeah, well, shall we not do this here?
19:52Shall we go up to my office?
19:53No, I don't care who hears what I've got to say, because I'm at that point now.
19:57Everyone's interfered.
19:58It's embarrassing.
19:59I don't want to get on television for the sake of it.
20:00I don't want to be famous for the sake of it.
20:01I want to do something that I'm proud of, and I won't be proud of shouting out catchphrases
20:07in a stupid wig and funny glasses.
20:09I want to do what I want to do, otherwise I'll hate myself for the rest of my life.
20:12And I'll tell you what, a case in point, Sean, on EastEnders, they started to turn this character
20:16into a joke, and he walked away at the top of his game.
20:20That's called integrity, OK?
20:22It doesn't matter what happens to him now, because he's got his dignity.
20:48Shall I leave it?
20:54So, basically, I'm not going to prostitute myself anymore, or my work, OK?
20:58I'm just sick of people coming along, telling me how they think it should be done, and me
21:01just having to bend over and take it up the arse.
21:03Ah!
21:04Oh, just to me, just to say, no disrespect to either of you, as gays, you know, we don't
21:08know if you're givers or receivers.
21:09Very difficult to tell just from looking at you.
21:11Although, if I was putting money on it, I'd probably go with...
21:13We don't need to put...
21:13No.
21:13Hang on.
21:14Ah!
21:21Do you know what I've got to say?
21:24Right.
21:24Well, thank you for telling us how you feel.
21:29So, here's how I see things going forward.
21:31You can either carry on and record this show as we've already planned, or you can pull the
21:34plug, waste everybody's time and hard work, waste the thousands of pounds we've already
21:38spent so far, burn all your bridges with the BBC, and you can go back to being an extra,
21:42and then you can work your way back up again from nothing.
21:45And what do you want to do?
21:57Well, what do you want to do, sitcom?
22:01This...
22:01This can be good.
22:03That's what I've been trying to say.
22:04Let's finish this off.
22:06Because it can...
22:07I don't want to let people down.
22:08I want to get on with this.
22:09I want to get this on the telly.
22:10And then in the future, maybe look at doing it the way I want it to do it.
22:13Yeah, or not.
22:14Or not.
22:14See how it goes.
22:15That's all I want to...
22:19This...
22:20Yeah?
22:20Yeah.
22:22Okay.
22:22Good.
22:24Andy.
22:25Yeah?
22:25Don't forget your passes.
22:28No.
22:44I'm sorry I'm late.
22:46Everything all right?
22:47Yeah.
22:47Your first night now, love?
22:48No, no, no, no.
22:49I actually had to kick a bit of arse earlier, because I'm just getting sick of all this.
22:53Is it a good comedy?
22:53Is it a bad comedy?
22:54I just went, look, it's a good comedy if it pleases people.
22:56Can we get on with it?
22:58Do you know what I mean?
22:58I think comedy should be as broad as possible.
23:00So you take everyone in.
23:01I want the whole family to like this.
23:02I want four-year-olds to like this.
23:04He will.
23:04Do you know what I mean?
23:05And if it doesn't stand the system to time, so what?
23:08Do something else.
23:08But, you know, bring as much joy into the world as you can.
23:12That's all.
23:13Yeah.
23:14Well, as long as you're happy.
23:15I'm happy if people are happy.
23:20Are you definitely going to do this?
23:22Yeah.
23:23You're definitely going to do it?
23:24Yes.
23:25Yeah.
23:26Forget it, Barry's going to do it, mate.
23:28Fuck.
23:28I know.
23:29I'm as annoyed as you are, then.
23:39Bloody hell, Rita.
23:40You look terrible.
23:42Life as a single mum getting to you.
23:43I was up till 2am doing my daughter's science homework.
23:48Did you know that Alexander Fleming discovered penicillin
23:51when he found mould on some old bread he'd left out?
23:54He should look under Gobbler's Bed and find a new species.
23:58He'd find a new species if he looked in Gobbler's Bed.
24:03I don't get it.
24:05You don't get it.
24:06I've been without a man so long,
24:08I think I'd say yes if Ray asked me out.
24:11My ears are burning.
24:13Maybe I can last a few more years.
24:16Morning, campers.
24:17Well, congratulations are in order.
24:19You all successfully clocked in on time this morning.
24:22You just forgot to start bloody work.
24:25Steady on, Mr Stokes.
24:27We've been comforting Rita.
24:29She's been up all night trying to get her head round some fella called Alexander.
24:32Oh?
24:34Lucky beggar.
24:35No-one who works here, I hope.
24:37No, he's dead.
24:38Well, you cook for him as well.
24:42Oh, Mr Stokes.
24:43Will you be nice to her?
24:46Well, Rita, I know you've had your problems,
24:49but I want you to know this.
24:50The door to my office is always open.
24:52Thank you, Mr Stokes.
24:54Yeah, I think it's the bloody injuries.
24:55Get off your arse and fix it, will you?
24:58I haven't got any tools.
25:00You're joking.
25:01You've got two right here.
25:02Gobblers are complete spanner.
25:04I don't get it.
25:06What Mr Stokes has cleverly done, with recourse to a pun,
25:11is take Rita's usage of the word tool,
25:14a device that performs manual or mechanical work,
25:18and transpose its meaning into the vulgar slang definition of tool,
25:23meaning the male reproductive appendage.
25:27Are you having a laugh?
25:28Are you having a laugh?
25:30Are you having a laugh?
25:39He is having a laugh.
25:55You're having a laugh.
26:01Well, I got a letter back from the dating agency.
26:04Yeah, this guy replied.
26:05Sent me a picture.
26:05What?
26:07Before you ask, it was taken on his allotment,
26:09and yes, he did win first prize.
26:17Bring tea for the tiller man,
26:20steak for the son.
26:22His lovely wife.
26:23As you know, he's thinking of investing in us,
26:25and if he does, it'll be the best thing that happened to this company
26:27since old Gladys the Cook burnt down the canteen.
26:31She wasn't a bad cook.
26:33Are you having a laugh?
26:34Is she having a laugh?
26:39Oh, be fair, Ray, she wasn't that bad.
26:42We all loved her milky puddings.
26:43Not when they dragged in the mash, we didn't.
26:48Now, I don't want you and your team mucking things up for me.
26:50You've prepared the traditional Japanese cuisine, have you?
26:52Yes, it's here.
26:53Right.
26:53But I'm still not sure you should have let Gobbler organise the traditional Japanese entertainment.
26:57Well, what's he planning?
26:59Well, in all time, here they come.
27:03Stay on, my booty.
27:04What?
27:05This is Rita and my team.
27:07We've prepared some traditional Japanese cuisine.
27:10Welcome.
27:10I hope you like it.
27:16Lovely.
27:17Well done, Rita.
27:19And now, for your delectation, may I present Gobbler and Kimberley
27:22with some traditional Japanese entertainment?
27:29Chin Chin Chin Chin Man, left a cow.
27:31Chin Chin Chin Chin Man, take your how.
27:33Chin Chin Chin Chin Man, puddle on take.
27:36Chin Chin Chin Chin Man, covered in shit.
27:44Oh, I'm all gone covered in shit.
28:01What do you think?
28:03Is he having a laugh?
28:08What do you think?
28:08I'm gonna be late.
28:10College, toast, kids, car, bloody school gates.
28:13Bad if you pull, what a chore, another would spark.
28:16And 50 times a day I hear.
28:17You have an over.
28:19Whatever happened to my dreams, is this the life I chose?
28:21The highlight of my bloody day is when the whistle blows.
28:25When the whistle blows
28:28When the whistle blows
28:30When the whistle blows
28:33When the whistle blows
28:35What time do you call this?
28:36Bad
28:37It's not bad, is it?
28:39No, bad suggests that it's evil or something
28:43It's poor, it's rubbish
28:46It's shit, it's a shit sitcom
28:47It's a shitcom?
28:48Oh, we've sorted that out, thanks very much
28:49That's the career over
28:50That's what one of the reviewers said
28:54Shouldn't we, no, shouldn't we joke about it, it's not
28:56What are the reviews like?
28:57If I was being kind, I'd say it was a mixed bag
28:58Let me have a look
28:59Really?
29:00Yeah, let me see him
29:02Barrett
29:02Can you bring some of the reviews in?
29:05Where's he gone?
29:06He's got to do something with his mornings, hasn't he?
29:08Found another one
29:08There have you
29:11Perhaps it's unfair to judge a sitcom on its first episode
29:13But when a TV programme makes you want to gouge out your own eyes
29:16Rather than watch one more minute
29:17You know it's probably not your cup of tea
29:19Ouch
29:20Go on, pop it in the scrapbook
29:21No, don't pop it in the scrapbook
29:22Put good ones in the scrapbook
29:25What, what good ones?
29:26Well, there's no good ones
29:28Erm, best one was The Telegraph
29:29What'd they say?
29:30They didn't review it
29:30No
29:32See you later, baby
29:36Career's over
29:36Well, no, because despite what they say
29:38The viewing figures were really good
29:396.2 million
29:406 million people watched it last night
29:42And yet none of these liked it
29:44Well, these people know about comedy, don't they?
29:46They know what they're talking about with the general public
29:47I mean, you said if you get your own show
29:49The offers would come flooding in
29:51You said the phone would never stop ringing
29:53Have you had any phone calls at all?
29:55No
29:56No
29:56Oh, no
29:57What were they talking about?
29:58Sky called
29:58And?
29:59They say they can put your dish up Thursday
30:14Hello
30:15What are you doing?
30:16I'm actually flicking through the phone book
30:19And I'm pointing my finger on a random page
30:22To see what my name could be if I wanted to change it
30:24What have you got?
30:25PB Grout
30:27Good
30:28As long as you're filling your days
30:29C-T-Panchanagana-no
30:33But I don't look like a panchananagana-ho
30:36You hungry?
30:37Yeah
30:39Greasy spoon?
30:39Yeah
30:40Where am I meeting you?
30:41Garage in ten minutes
30:42Yeah
30:43Do you want to hear one more?
30:44Oh, go on
30:44TP
30:45Bronze
30:54Hi
30:54Hi
30:55You moving in here?
30:56Yeah
30:56Oh, good
30:57I mean, do you want a hand?
30:58No
30:59Fine
30:59A few
31:00I'm only, by the way
31:01I live here, obviously
31:02I live on the second floor
31:04Twenty-one
31:04Okay
31:04I'm Cathy
31:05Oh, nice to meet you
31:06Nice to meet you
31:08Welcome to the building
31:09Thanks
31:09It's nice to see someone under 40
31:13I thought they moved into an old people's home
31:15No, there are some olds in there
31:16Some over 40s
31:17But they're quiet
31:17The old telly there
31:18Watch a lot of telly?
31:19I don't
31:19No
31:20No
31:21Last night
31:22BBC One
31:22No
31:23No
31:24It's a good stuff on
31:28Okay
31:28Okay
31:29Well, if you need someone to show you around at all
31:31Just come and go
31:32Thanks, that'd be nice
31:33Okay
31:33All right
31:34Okay
31:35See you later
31:35See you later
31:36Bye
31:40We saw it last night
31:42And?
31:43Yeah, it was good
31:44Are you just saying that?
31:46No
31:47Too long a pause
31:48If you're gonna lie, lie well
31:50Bits of it were funny
31:51Doesn't count
31:52You'd laugh at anything
31:53What?
31:54I found you laughing at yourself once
31:55And I said, what are you laughing at?
31:57And you said, my toes
31:58Oh, yeah
31:59Well, they are funny, though
32:00The way they waggle
32:01It's you that's making them waggle
32:03Fair any change?
32:04Sorry, mate
32:04Okay, have a nice day
32:05Cheers
32:06Good luck with the show, Andy
32:08Cheers
32:08How do you know I am?
32:09Where does he watch the show?
32:10Through Dixon's window?
32:11Oh, you've been in all the magazines
32:12Oh, he reads heat, does he?
32:14Everybody reads heat
32:15Everybody reads heat
32:16Now I have to start giving money to the homeless
32:18Why?
32:19Because I don't want people to say Andy, more than hates the poor
32:21You don't just hate the poor, you hate everyone
32:22That's why it's so unfair
32:27Sorry, I've only got, like, 8p and change
32:29Or a 20
32:30Just give him a 20
32:31No, he said change
32:31He said change
32:32Yeah, whatever
32:33Cheers
32:33Your TV show's doing alright, though, is it?
32:35Yeah
32:36Good
32:38Pay well?
32:41Yep
32:41Have you got anything else?
32:44Have you got, like, a quiver?
32:52You haven't got a 10 and a 5, have you?
32:53I haven't
32:53Gosh, it doesn't, he's homeless
32:54I know he's homeless, I'm not blind
33:0420
33:06For nothing
33:08Is that the most you've ever been given?
33:09One block gave me 50 once
33:10That is mental
33:12That is, he must have been a pervert
33:1520 quid, though
33:16Considering your average is probably, what, 20p or something?
33:20I do come past here quite a lot
33:22So we count as a few goes
33:24Can't do that every day
33:26Say, I don't know, three months of leaving me alone
33:28Leaving you alone?
33:29No
33:29No, look, if you're going to have this attitude, I don't want it
33:31No, no, no
33:31No, seriously, take it back
33:32Don't want it
33:32I'm just saying I couldn't do that
33:33If
33:39What will you say to people about this?
33:42I'll probably say, um, don't ask Andy Millman for money
33:44Because he'd only give it to you begrudgingly
33:46Well, no, say
33:47That I offered you 20, the second most you've ever been given
33:49And then
33:50Then I insulted you
33:51And you may be taking it back
33:52But mention the 20
33:53You know, the anecdotes slagging me off
33:57I'll just, I'll just take it
33:59Just take it, it's fine
34:00Fine
34:02Nice aftershave, by the way
34:04Cheers
34:05What is it?
34:06Calvin Klein
34:09Apparently Vernon Kaye uses that
34:12Okay, cheers
34:16Why are we walking back this way?
34:18This is the way we came
34:18Now I've got to walk past him again
34:20You
34:24See you later
34:25Yep
34:30Oh, I walked too fast
34:32You did?
34:33Yeah
34:33Oh
34:35She's moving into my block
34:37I spoke to her earlier
34:38I think it was a bit of a vibe, right?
34:39I'm going to go and talk to her
34:40You come over, okay?
34:42Just ask for an autograph
34:43Yeah, and just say something like
34:44Oh, I think you're the most amazing actor on TV
34:46You're already using your new post for evil
34:48You've got to use what you can
34:49Fair enough
34:56Hello
34:57Need any help yet?
34:58Thank you
34:58Big strong man's just all I need
35:00Well, I do
35:01Yeah
35:02Excuse me
35:03You're Andy Millman?
35:04Yeah
35:04Star of the new sitcom
35:05When the Whistleblows
35:06Yeah
35:06Get your autograph, please
35:07No worries
35:09Who's it to?
35:10Me
35:10Yeah, but I don't know your name, do I?
35:13Maggie
35:14Maggie
35:17Can I just say that I think you're the most amazing comedy actor on television
35:21Oh, not amazing
35:22But that's what you told me to say
35:24Come on
35:26Okay
35:27How many have you got?
35:29Did he ask you to come over and say that?
35:34I don't know
35:36You don't know
35:37You don't know if you asked you to say it?
35:40No, I don't know
35:43Are you friends?
35:44Are we friends?
35:45Yeah
35:47Unlikely
35:47No
35:48We have met
35:49Are we?
35:49I wasn't sick of me
35:50Yeah
35:50I didn't
35:51I didn't
35:52Change your
35:53Hello
35:53You alright?
35:54I didn't
35:54I didn't
35:54Are you um
35:55Are you still
35:56I didn't
35:58He's not going to move themselves
36:03See you later
36:09Andy, am I coming with you?
36:10Yep
36:18You still thinking about the reviews?
36:20Yes
36:20The terrible, terrible reviews
36:22Think about the good ones
36:26What am I going to do now?
36:28I never get over this
36:29I just spend years and years
36:30Trying to claw back credibility
36:31By doing anything
36:32Just popping up in bad films
36:34And charity events
36:36Just begging forgiveness
36:38They'd forgive you
36:39If you did Celebrity Fit Club
36:41Brilliant
36:41What else
36:42What else could I do?
36:43There's Celebrity Love Island
36:44Why would I do a show
36:45That when I watched it
36:46I was praying for a tsunami?
36:48Oh
36:50Do I just go to the pub?
36:52Yeah
36:53That's the beginning
36:54Depressed TV star
36:55Drinks himself to death
36:56Oh, don't be daft
36:57You're not a star
36:58And being fat will kill you
36:59Before the drink does
37:01Are you sure you can come to the pub?
37:03You're not manning the phones
37:03At the Samaritans tonight
37:04No
37:04No?
37:05Okay
37:05Pub it is then
37:09Wait, here's one
37:11Who would you rather fight
37:12And have a decent chance of winning?
37:13A big fat hairy
37:15Silverback gorilla
37:16Or Thompson's gazelle
37:18Or the gazelle
37:20I know, but you'd have to catch it first
37:21Because they're like
37:22I wouldn't catch it
37:23I turned up for the fight
37:23It ran away
37:24I win
37:25Not my problem
37:26Oi, oi
37:26Oh
37:27No, don't be like that
37:28A little bit of good news here
37:29Alright, Sean
37:30Barry and I were scouring the internet
37:31And we found a glowing review of your sitcom
37:33Ready?
37:34Listen to this
37:35This charming story of lovable larger-than-life characters
37:37Will please all the family
37:39This is a delightful woodland romp
37:41With many of the best scenes featuring a roly-poly toad
37:44Give me that
37:47This is a review of Wind in the Willows
37:49What's yours called, then?
37:50Oh, When the Wind Blows
37:50Whistle
37:51Whistle
37:51Whistle
37:51Yeah
37:52I said that was a picture of a frog, didn't you?
37:54Why not?
37:54It's got the same throat
37:55Yeah, I know, yeah
37:56Well, you can see where we went wrong, won't you?
37:59I'm going to get a drink
38:01Look, there's a ringer
38:03Oh, yeah
38:05Such is green
38:06Who, Andy?
38:06What do you want?
38:07We've got a few
38:14God, it's you
38:15I love it
38:19What are you doing here?
38:20Just having a drink
38:21Oh, so are we
38:22Amazing
38:23Do you live near here?
38:25Where?
38:26Just
38:27What street?
38:28Well, it doesn't matter, does it?
38:29Just locally
38:29I love your shirt
38:31Oh, good
38:31Cheers
38:32The wig
38:32The glasses
38:33The catchphrase
38:35Brilliant
38:35Thanks
38:36Everything about it
38:37Oh
38:37The wig
38:38The glasses
38:39The catchphrase
38:40Brilliant
38:41That's becoming quite a catchphrase itself
38:42Yeah
38:45Ooh, the wig
38:46The glasses
38:47The catchphrase
38:48Brilliant
38:49Yeah
38:50Can I take a picture?
38:51Yeah
38:53You got a wig with you?
38:55Nah
38:56Do the face
38:57Do the face
38:58Do the face
39:02Look at that
39:02It works even without the wig
39:04Or the glasses
39:06Can you do the catchphrase?
39:07I'd rather not
39:08Do the catchphrase?
39:09No, just
39:10Just do the catchphrase
39:12Okay
39:13You having a laugh?
39:14Do it properly
39:16You having a laugh?
39:16Is he having a laugh?
39:18I love everything about it
39:19Cheers
39:20The wig
39:20The glasses
39:21The catchphrase
39:23Can I call my mate Pete?
39:24Why not?
39:25Oh, jeez
39:26I love this
39:27Can't call the barman as well, can you?
39:29No, no, no
39:30It's number
39:33Pete, what's your favourite catchphrase?
39:36He's only here
39:39Yeah
39:40Speak to him
39:41Speak to him
39:42Speak to him
39:43Speak to him
39:44Alright, Pete
39:45Pete, how you been, mate?
39:46Yeah
39:47Yeah, he likes that as well
39:49Yeah, no, I've got the wig on me now
39:50No
39:50Oh, Pete
39:51I've got to go, mate
39:52Because
39:54Life's too short
39:54Okay
39:54Yeah, see ya
39:58Huh?
39:59That's actually him, yeah
40:00Come down
40:00Oh, that's me
40:01Bring Ralph and Walnut
40:03And tell Count Fakula
40:04Oh, yeah, he loves it
40:05Alright, I've got to go
40:06Quick, quick, quick, quick
40:07Jilly
40:08How does that fight
40:09Forget it, drink up
40:11We're going
40:11Bye
40:11Because I've just been spotted
40:12By someone from the hills of ours
40:15Hello
40:16Hello, mate
40:17Alright, how's it going?
40:18Darren Lamb, agent
40:19Nice to meet you
40:19It's my girlfriend Jilly
40:21Hello, Jilly
40:22I'll recognise you
40:24Yes, possibly
40:26You did my mum's guttering, didn't you?
40:28Maybe, yeah
40:29But what does she live?
40:30Amundal Court
40:30Opposite the BP garage
40:31What's this, ain't you?
40:32You didn't tell me anything about this
40:32What's going on here?
40:33How much did you pay for that?
40:34Not much
40:34No, it's 200 quid
40:35Mum said he did such a good job
40:36She gave him the 20 pound tip
40:37220 quid?
40:38I don't have to tell you everything
40:39Oh, no, no, you don't have to tell me everything
40:40No, although I notice you're happy to tell me
40:41When you're sleeping in your car
40:42And you need somewhere to have a bath
40:43Then you can't keep your mouth shut
40:44But this, you're keeping your stomach
40:44You're supposed to be my agent for acting
40:46Not bloody art texting
40:47Or whatever else
40:47Rumbled, you said guttering
40:48Now it's art texting
40:49What else are you keeping from me?
40:50I'm appalled
40:51This is scandalous, Barry
40:52Such a slap in the face
40:54Do you do roofing?
40:55Do you need some roofing?
40:56No, no, no, it's too dangerous
40:57I'm not
40:58Oh, I'm sorry
40:58You're turning down work now, are you?
40:59I'm sorry
41:00It seems that beggars can be choosers
41:01My mistake
41:03Unbelievable
41:04How much was it? 220?
41:07Right, you owe me 27.50
41:09Can I give you a check?
41:10Yeah, if you must
41:11Unbelievable
41:11Here, I'll tell you this
41:12If you like his show, you'll love this
41:13Right
41:14Oh, look at that
41:16Just regular
41:16Turn it out the other way
41:18It's good
41:20How'd you do that?
41:21It's just numbers
41:22What numbers?
41:2258,000 or eight
41:23Have a look
41:23Boobs!
41:24No, don't you do that
41:2558,000 or eight
41:26Chill out
41:27Like you, a wheeler?
41:28Yeah, lovely
41:29Have a biscuit
41:31Boobs!
41:33I'm gonna get used to this, mate
41:35He's doing my head in
41:36I know, I see you on telly
41:37And they all wanna be your best mate
41:39When I was in EastEnders
41:40We used to go to a place called Castro's
41:41It's quiet and they treat you well
41:43If they recognise you
41:43Let's go in there
41:44You all right?
41:45Hey, ma
41:47Cheers, mate
41:48Oi, oi, oi
41:49Boing!
41:51If it does, who's fault, sir?
41:52All right, Barry, don't start talking about business, mate
41:53In front of a couple of nobodies like this
41:55No disrespect
41:55Unbelievable
41:56I'm already annoyed with you
41:57Give me that back, chap
42:00Anyway
42:01Give me your number
42:02We'll meet up again
42:02Yeah, yeah, yeah
42:05Don't touch me
42:14Excuse me
42:15Yeah, I mean
42:15I used to come here a lot a few years ago
42:17I don't know if you remember
42:17Oh, yes, hi
42:18Hi, hi
42:18Oh, that was pretty fantastic
42:20Greg's in here
42:21Well, we don't have to speak to him
42:22You're like, he's not going to come here with a globe
42:23It's a big fat smart place
42:24Well, here we have
42:26It's fine, you've just got to sign him
42:27Okay
42:29Oh, hello
42:30Hi
42:30Hi, welcome
42:31Oh
42:31Enjoyed the show last night
42:33Really?
42:33Yeah, um, Mark, can you get Mr. Millman to the VIP area?
42:36Oh, thanks very much
42:37No need to sign him, that's fine
42:38Cheers
42:38Okay, enjoy
42:45Ah, Andy Millman
42:47I can't stop, I'm going to the VIP area
42:51That's mine, take a seat
42:52Cheers
42:55Oh, more likely
42:57Thanks very much
42:58Can I get you anything to drink?
43:00Um, some champagne?
43:01Yeah
43:02Can we get a bottle of champagne, please?
43:04No problem
43:06Finally, a little bit of respect
43:10Oh, God
43:11Look
43:12David Bowie
43:14Oh, my God
43:16Unbelievable
43:16Don't look
43:18Sir, I'm going to ask you to leave
43:19You just put us here
43:20David Bowie, is here
43:22I know, but it's just
43:23It's really embarrassing
43:24Oh
43:33Quick sit down
43:34Yeah, at least I had a sit down
43:35Quick little sit down
43:35Energy
43:36Back into it
43:37How's it going?
43:38Brilliant
43:38You?
43:39Excellent
43:39Doing Chekhov
43:41At the Wyndham
43:41Just being nominated
43:43For an Olivier Award
43:44So
43:46How's your sitcom going?
43:48Brilliant
43:48Great is how brilliant
43:48The review's very harsh
43:50Don't need reviews
43:51Don't bother
43:51No
43:51No
43:52I think I've got one here, actually
43:53Sorry
43:54Can you just hold that?
43:58I think we need to throw it away
43:59Throw it away, then
44:01Oh, no
44:01When the whistle blows
44:03When the whistle blows
44:04As I watch this abysmal time warp comedy
44:06I find myself expecting someone to shout
44:08I'm free
44:09And for Andy Millman to exclaim
44:10Mmm, Betty
44:11The cat's just shat out the worst sitcom of all time
44:18Don't really care about his opinion
44:21If I want an opinion
44:22It won't be a snotty little reviewer
44:23It'd be the people that count
44:24The man on the street
44:24Yeah, he gave him 20 quid earlier
44:26Not that specific man on the street
44:27If you want to chase ratings, that's great
44:30I'd rather win the respect of my peers
44:31Than get big ratings and everything
44:33But both
44:33You know
44:34Anyway, always nice to see you, mate
44:35You having a laugh?
44:36Alright, mate
44:37Sick on shit, mate
44:38He changed his tune
44:39Wait
44:40The man in the street
44:41So fickle
44:42No, he didn't have a bald head
44:43No, not that specific
44:44Does that happen a lot?
44:45Never
44:46It's all good, usually
44:47So I don't
44:47That's how he's not having a laugh
44:48For the public
44:49Well, they are
44:50It's just rude
44:50Private conversation
44:51It's ignorant
44:52Wasn't it
44:53To say that
44:54A little ant
44:55I feel
44:55It's just social rudeness
44:57Wow
45:07Barry
45:07Don't look round, right?
45:09There's a couple of broods over there
45:10Without drinks
45:10I think you know what to do
45:12Oh, yes
45:13Excuse me
45:15There's a couple of girls over there
45:16Not drinking
45:16So I think you should probably
45:17Tell them to other
45:18Buy something or get it
45:19No, no, sorry
45:19That's a mistake
45:20No, no, no
45:20I didn't mean that
45:21Sorry
45:21No, what I meant was
45:22We could buy them some drinks
45:23That's an in, isn't it?
45:24To start a conversation
45:24Well, I thought you were worried
45:25That they were taking up
45:25Valuable space and costing them money
45:26Why would that concern me?
45:27It's not my concern
45:27But the man's running a business
45:28The overheads are probably extortionate
45:29But the public next a lot of money
45:30On food
45:30No, no, no
45:31Don't give me that
45:31There's 20 pubs a day
45:32Closing down in this country
45:33An institute of people like that
45:35Right?
45:35What, and you're certainly an expert
45:36Are you on that?
45:38I don't know why
45:38It's your concern
45:39Is what, and
45:39Leave it
45:44Ladies
45:45Pardon us
45:46Can I just introduce myself
45:47Darren Lamb
45:47Agent of the TV actor
45:48Andy Millman
45:49Star of the sitcom
45:50When the Wind Blows
45:51Whistle
45:51Whistle, thank you
45:52And do you remember this guy?
45:53It's only Barry off EastEnders
45:54Hello
45:55Oh, yeah
45:56How's it going?
45:57Not so good, actually
45:57Things aren't quite panning out
45:59Let's not talk about that now
45:59Let's not bring the mood down now
46:00A couple of sorts like this
46:01Are up for it
46:02What do you mean, up for it?
46:03What, you're out and about
46:04You know, no guys with you
46:05You meet a couple of players like us
46:06Ship's in the night
46:07Let's get down to business
46:08Who wants Barry off EastEnders?
46:09Neither of us
46:09Alright, Barry, you're out in the cold
46:10This is a story
46:11I mean, life and I
46:11A house was repossessed last week
46:12Let's not bring the mood down
46:13You're ruining it again
46:14I'm still in the frame
46:14Who wants Barry to walk home
46:15While the other one comes home with me?
46:17Neither of us
46:17Okay, final scenario
46:18Listen to this, right
46:19Neither of you are interested in Barry
46:20So obviously I choose the fit one
46:21No disrespect to you
46:22We all go back to mine
46:23Barry keeps you talking
46:24Whilst you and I get down to it
46:25It will take, I swear to God
46:26Ten minutes max
46:27I can get everything done in that time
46:28Then you get a cab of their own
46:29Anywhere you want to go
46:30Up to, say, a maximum value of £15
46:32Or you could walk home
46:33Pocket the cash
46:34You've made a sweet, sweet profit
46:35So it's up to you
46:36No
46:36No?
46:37Alright, Barry, forget it, mate
46:37Always know when to cut your losses
46:38Let's go
46:42I mean, he was actually
46:43A qualified soldier, if I'm not wrong
46:46And he used to sing in the operating theatre
46:48No
46:49That's where he got his first start
46:50Because one of the patients he was operating on
46:53Was an A&R man
46:54From Decca Records
46:54You are no dead
46:57Sorry, I'm getting a bit hassled out here
46:58Can I just pop myself down there
46:59Well, not really
47:00This is a VIP section
47:01Can you just step away from the rope, please, sir
47:02No, I know
47:02I was in there a minute ago
47:03I was a VIP a minute ago
47:04What happened?
47:04There's nothing I can do, sir
47:05Sorry, look
47:05Can you just step away from the rope?
47:06Come on
47:12I've got more in common with David Bowie than this rabble
47:14How do you work that out?
47:15Well, we're both entertained
47:16We've both done something with our lives
47:17I don't think you can equate yourself to David Bowie
47:20He's one of the seminar artists for the last 35 years
47:22Doing work
47:23Turned him out the genius
47:25Whereas you've just made a camp catchphrase-based comedy
47:28Just got a bad review of a bouncer
47:29I just know what I like
47:30Yeah, do you like money?
47:31Sorry?
47:32Do you like money?
47:3320 quid
47:33Sorry, you're trying to bribe me to sit next to David Bowie now
47:36I'll give you 20 quid to sit there with spare seats
47:37No
47:4150
47:4250 quid?
47:43Yeah
47:46Let's see it
47:51You've got a 10, I've only got a 20, has I?
47:53Let's go to the 40 or 60 then
47:5460 then
47:59That's for both of us
48:04Go and get a drink, I've only got any money now
48:06Hey
48:06What are you doing in here?
48:07The VIP area
48:08Can we come in because we're getting no action out of it
48:09It's a wasteland
48:10You're on your own, not a maid of money
48:14It's the same seat
48:15It's actually the same seat for 60 quid
48:17You paid 60 quid to go in here?
48:18You should have let me negotiate
48:19I'm so sick, mate
48:20And they can still see me
48:21There should be an actual barrier
48:22Look, let's go and sit next to David Bowie
48:24He's not getting any hassle
48:25Go and just sit next to him
48:25Oh, come on
48:26We'll just go and speak to him
48:27I don't know
48:27Excuse me
48:28What are you doing?
48:29It's alright
48:30Excuse me
48:32Mr Bowie, can I just say that we're both very big fans
48:35I can't hear you, love
48:36Come over here
48:37Oh, my God
48:39Oh, chop
48:39Thank you
48:43Hi
48:44Hi, hi
48:44I was just saying that I'm an entertainer too
48:47Oh, yeah?
48:48What are you doing?
48:48I'm in a sitcom
48:49It's called When the Whistle Blows
48:50Have you seen it?
48:51I haven't known
48:52Is it any good?
48:53No, it's shit
48:54Oh, just riff-raff everywhere
48:58Not going down too well
48:59It's getting six million viewers
49:00I mean, it's not exactly how I meant it to be
49:04Because the BBC have interfered
49:05And sort of chased ratings
49:07And made it the lowest common denominator
49:08Sort of comedy
49:10Catchphrases and wigs
49:11I think I've sold out, to be honest
49:13But it's difficult, isn't it?
49:15To keep your integrity
49:16When you're going for that first
49:17Little fat man who sold his soul
49:20The little
49:21Little fat man who sold his dream
49:26Chubby little loser
49:32Chubby little loser
49:34National joke
49:36No, not chubby little loser
49:39No
49:40Pathetic little fat man
49:42No one's bloody laughing
49:44The clown that no one laughs at
49:47They all just wish he'd die
49:51He's so depressed at being useless
49:54The fat man takes his own life
49:56No, no
49:57He's so depressed at being hated
50:00Fat he takes his own life
50:02Fatty, fatso
50:03Fatso, I like fatso
50:06Fatso takes his own life
50:08He blows his bloated face off
50:11No
50:11He blows his stupid brains out
50:14But the twat I'd probably miss
50:17Yes, Linda, I like that
50:18Yeah, so do I
50:18It's brilliant, Linda
50:19He sold his soul
50:21For a shot at fame
50:24Catchphrase and wiggle
50:25The jokes are lame
50:27He's got no style
50:29He's got no grace
50:31He's banal and facile
50:32He's a fat waste of space
50:34Yeah, yeah
50:35Everybody sing that last line
50:37One, two, three
50:38He's banal and facile
50:40He's a fat waste of space
50:42See his pop no space
50:46Pop, pop, pop, pop
50:49Again
50:50See his pop no space
50:52Yeah
50:53Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop
51:03The little fat man
51:06With the pop no space
51:07Pop, pop, pop, pop
51:10Little fat man
51:12See his pop no space
51:13Pop no space
51:14Hey
51:14Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop
51:17He's a little fat man
51:20With the pop no space
51:21Pop, pop, pop, pop
51:23Pop, pop
51:27What do you have for tea?
51:28Turkey
51:29Turkey
51:30Turkey
51:30What else?
51:32Turkey
51:32Turkey
51:33Turkey
51:34Turkey
51:34Turkey
51:37Pint of Fosters
51:38Hi, a pint of Fosters
51:40In a giant white way
51:44What's the weight on?
51:45It's 580, thanks
51:46580?
51:47You're having a laugh
51:49It's him
51:50It's him
51:50Is that a real man?
51:51You alright?
51:53You alright?
51:54How's it going?
51:55This is Ralph
51:55Alright
51:55This is Walnut
51:57And this is Count Fuckula
51:59Alright
51:59Why do they call you that?
52:01Because if I see something
52:01I've got to fuck it
52:03I'll never stop
52:04He never stops
52:07He never stops
52:08Oh yeah, sure
52:11Get a picture
52:12Get a picture
52:12Get a picture
52:14I don't get it
52:16It's Gobbler
52:18It's Gobbler
52:25Bring tea far
52:26Till a man
52:27Stay
52:28F***