- 2 days ago
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00:02For God's sake, you bloody yanks are all the same.
00:06You walk around like a John Wayne, then leave us to clean up your mess.
00:10I've got three embassies begging for blood.
00:13I've got two dead diplomats and a partridge in a bloody pear tree.
00:17Whitehorse running around like a bunch of headless chickens.
00:20What exactly am I supposed to tell the Prime Minister?
00:28Tell them Uncle Sam's in town.
00:32We're cut there, thank you. Check the gate, we're moving on.
00:55Sarge, those lads keep saying afternoon cunts to ball, but making it sound like, you know what?
00:59What can I do to them? Can I eat them?
01:01If I was a real copper, though, I'd get ready like that.
01:04I would, and I'd have...
01:06It's all right, it's only hair spanks.
01:07I want my prisoners to look good.
01:09Excuse me, can I just say I thought you were really brilliant in that scene?
01:12Thank you. I didn't really do anything, I just had to hold this folder.
01:15Which you did brilliantly. You didn't drop it or anything.
01:18Well, that's three years of drama school for you.
01:19No! Sorry, I'm Maggie, by the way.
01:27Dan.
01:28Hi, Dan.
01:29Maggie.
01:31Look, I can't really talk now, I have to...
01:32Oh, no, sorry, you go and do your thing.
01:34So I just want to say that.
01:37Thanks.
01:38Bye.
01:40What?
01:42What?
01:42Just a normal conversation.
01:43Stop!
01:44He just held the file well.
01:45That's all you wanted to say to him.
01:47Sorry, please.
01:47I'm going to put your pumps on.
01:48Don't leave me in.
01:49Why?
01:49What if one of them talks to me?
01:53Well, they're only human.
01:55He's not.
01:57Two minutes, right?
01:58Hurry up, hurry up.
02:16Quite incredible, eh?
02:17Huh?
02:18Mr. Samuel L. Jackson in our midst.
02:20No, I'm not Sam Jackson.
02:21See the confusion.
02:21We look alike, but...
02:26I'm it, Goldie.
02:27I found the joker in the pack.
02:29What about that?
02:30No, I tell you what, seriously, that is great, that is, mate.
02:32That is brilliant.
02:33That's a gift, that is.
02:33A gift to laughter.
02:34Oh.
02:34You remind me of a mate of mine, Pete Shepard.
02:37Used to run the Laundice near me, and we used to have a laugh together.
02:40Did you?
02:41Oh, I mean hysterics every time I saw him.
02:43He was a Chelsea fan.
02:44I used to support Spurs, and when we used to meet, we'd have a chat and a laugh.
02:47Yeah, why are you telling me this?
02:48Well, we used to have a laugh.
02:49Oh, yeah.
02:49We'd have a chat and a laugh every time.
02:51Oh, yes.
02:51And one day, a couple of kids, right, they're messing around in his shop, and he'd check bleach
02:55in his eyes, and he's blinding him.
03:00I went to visit him, in the hospital.
03:04Tears, well, came out of his bandaged, frazzled, useless eyes.
03:10And he went, I don't think I'll ever laugh again.
03:15You know what?
03:16Hmm.
03:18I don't think he has.
03:21I stopped.
03:22I was going to visit him in the end, to be honest.
03:23That's you, mate.
03:24Got too depressing, you know.
03:26I would just hang out with him, because he was a laugh, but he just got bored.
03:31He was miserable, blind.
03:33Not my cup of tea.
03:34My eyes, my eyes.
03:36Martin.
03:37Hi, mate.
03:37Sorry to interrupt.
03:38No, please.
03:38Don't apologise.
03:39Um, I need someone to do a few lines sometime next week.
03:41Probably not until Tuesday.
03:42Yes, an officer in an ID parade.
03:44Are you interested in that?
03:45I don't mind.
03:45I don't mind.
03:46Oh, hang on.
03:47No, um, I was already seen.
03:49I was on the desk when Sam Jackson walked past.
03:51Oh, yeah?
03:52No, I can't use you then.
03:52Sorry, mate.
03:53I need someone who hasn't been seen.
03:54He hasn't been seen.
03:55I haven't been seen.
03:55All right, you fancy that?
03:56Yeah.
03:56Sam Jackson comes in, you're joking around with him, and then you go ten to one, he's
03:59going to pick Sergeant Harris again.
04:00With Sam Jackson?
04:01Yeah, you want to have a stab at him?
04:02Yeah.
04:02Yeah?
04:03Yeah.
04:04All right, well, I'll let you know when we're doing it.
04:05Won't be today, then.
04:05Okay.
04:06Cheers, Martin.
04:06All right.
04:09Oh, well, yeah.
04:11A line with Sam Jackson.
04:13Cheers for that.
04:14Eh?
04:14I owe you one.
04:15If it was a favour, don't worry.
04:18Just take me out one night.
04:20What?
04:21Take me out on the town one night.
04:39Let's go and eat on the other bus.
04:41Why?
04:42Oh, not for no reason.
04:43Don't need a reason.
04:44Just let's do something out of the ordinary once in a while.
04:46Yeah, all right.
04:47Bit of a break from the odd routine in a while.
04:51Whoa.
04:52Oh, where are you going?
04:53You can't come on here.
04:54It's actors only.
04:54I'm an actor.
04:55No, your background.
04:57Your bus is over there.
04:58This is for actors.
04:59I am an actor.
05:00No, your voucher's green.
05:01That means your background.
05:02Right, okay.
05:03So you're judging my entire career on the colour of my voucher?
05:06No, I'm sure you've had major roles in other things.
05:09He hasn't.
05:09Shut up.
05:10I can't let you on here.
05:11Excuse me.
05:12Sure.
05:12There's no one on, though.
05:13Can I just eat it and go?
05:14I'll be five minutes.
05:15I can't allow it.
05:16No, you can't allow it.
05:17You can't come on here, okay?
05:18That's the rule.
05:18You've got a perfectly good bus over there.
05:20This bus is for actual actors.
05:21Yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:22Don't know why I asked.
05:23Mentors.
05:23If I can go on a bus, it's meant for other people.
05:26I don't really know him.
05:27Can I come on?
05:28No.
05:29Okay.
05:31Pig.
05:48I don't know.
05:50No jokes?
05:51I haven't, no.
05:51Come on, eh?
05:52Go on.
05:54What's CT short for?
05:56Oh?
05:56He's only got little legs.
05:59My uncle was like you.
06:00Was he?
06:01Oh, a very funny guy.
06:02Not towards the end though.
06:05Not so much to laugh about towards the end.
06:07Lost both his legs, you see.
06:09Thrombosis.
06:10There's very little to laugh about when he knew he was stuck downstairs.
06:13No legs.
06:15And he could hear his wife upstairs with another man, having it off.
06:19Aye.
06:20Despite the morphine, you can still hear her.
06:22At it.
06:26Directly died of a broken heart in the end.
06:29Still.
06:31It's a wonderful gift, that.
06:34Laughter.
06:37Yeah.
06:38The gift that keeps on giving, as well.
06:39Anyway, I've got to go and slash my wrist.
06:41I'll see you later.
06:42Alright?
06:43Hey, anyway.
06:43What are you doing now Saturday afternoon?
06:45Why?
06:45Well, I thought, you know, you could come around my place.
06:48A couple of lads, open a couple of cans.
06:49I got a new DVD.
06:51Do you know what it is?
06:53Give you a drink.
06:56Tempting.
06:57Erm, I've got to watch the game.
06:59It's Chelsea Man U.
07:00So, see ya later.
07:02Hey!
07:02When are we going to go for that night out?
07:05What?
07:05I know, I love it at the restaurant.
07:07What?
07:08Well...
07:09Yeah, you said, shall we go for an evening out?
07:10And I didn't say no.
07:11I've gone back to your promise, yeah.
07:12It's not a promise, is it?
07:13It was.
07:13Well, no, you did me a favour, which I thank you for.
07:15But I don't think it warrants, you know, a whole evening out, a candlelit meal, you know?
07:18What's wrong with going for a meal with me?
07:20Nothing.
07:21Bit weird, but...
07:21What's weird about a couple of mates having a meal together?
07:23Well, we're not really friends, that's my point.
07:25Yeah, but that's how we all become friends, you see?
07:26We go for a meal.
07:26But I go out for meals with people that are already friends.
07:28I don't go to people willy-nilly and go,
07:30Alright mate, I don't know you from Adam, but do you want to go to Butlins for the weekend?
07:32You might be a mental case, but let's find out.
07:35It's mad.
07:36Do you know what I mean?
07:36No.
07:37What...
07:37What you...
07:42Ah...
07:46Hi.
07:47Oh, hello.
07:48Hi.
07:49Hi.
07:50Oh, yeah.
07:51Dan.
07:52Hi again.
07:56So, how long have you been in this lark then?
07:58I've only been acting for a couple of years.
08:00You know, I've done a couple of plays.
08:01Oh.
08:02I'd like to do more film, but they're hard to come by, so I'm just...
08:04I'm just trying to get into TV.
08:06Sure.
08:07I mean, to be honest, there's not a lot of black faces needed on television.
08:09No.
08:11Crime Watch.
08:12What?
08:13The reconstructions on Crime Watch, they always need black actors.
08:17Or white actors.
08:19They need black actors and white actors.
08:21It would depend on who's committed the crime that day.
08:24I mean, there's criminals.
08:25Black criminals.
08:26Certainly there's white criminals as well as black criminals.
08:31Oh, God.
08:32I've just remembered I've got to go on the...
08:34Yeah.
08:35What was that again?
08:35It was the...
08:36It's in my bag.
08:38Yeah.
08:38Yes.
08:39I'll see you later.
08:45Well, why don't you just tell them you don't want to be his friend?
08:47You can't.
08:47It's too damning.
08:48You can't say that to someone.
08:49That is saying that you fundamentally have a problem with their personality.
08:52Well, what are you going to do?
08:53The only honourable thing I can do.
08:55What?
08:55Adding to the long list of people that I have to avoid for the rest of my life.
09:00And you can never have that time back.
09:02I remember I sat through a whole evening at Comic Relief once.
09:05Because I was...
09:06Sorry, excuse me.
09:07Are you an actress in this film?
09:08Yeah.
09:09You can't come on here.
09:10Sorry?
09:10You're not allowed in this bus.
09:11This bus is for supporting artists only.
09:13And you are an actress.
09:14What are you talking about?
09:15You've got your own bus there.
09:17And we've got our own bus.
09:18I'm not allowed in yours.
09:19You're not allowed in mine.
09:20But you can come on.
09:21Where are you going?
09:24No.
09:24This is pathetic.
09:25Yes, I know.
09:26It is pathetic, isn't it?
09:27But you can't come on.
09:28Get out of the way.
09:28Look, I don't make the rules here.
09:30You're a child.
09:31Yeah, well, that's as may be.
09:33We'll stick to our own, you stick to your own, and then we're all happy.
09:46He doesn't think you're a racist.
09:47He does.
09:47He's just seen me say to a black woman, you're not allowed to sit on this bus.
09:50It's like that whole racism on a bus incident all over again.
09:52What?
09:53The Rosa Parks incident?
09:54It wasn't in a park.
09:55It was on a bus.
09:57Sure.
09:58He doesn't think you're a racist.
09:59And even if he does, which he doesn't, he's wrong.
10:01Because you're not.
10:02Don't worry about it.
10:03I know, but what if I am, and I don't know it?
10:04What if, like, I subconsciously am a little bit racist?
10:09Hmm, well, there is that test I can give you.
10:12What test?
10:12The racism test.
10:13The one I give you when you join the council to make sure you're not a racist.
10:15It's a...
10:16I've never heard of it.
10:17Yeah.
10:17Do you want to do it?
10:17Yeah.
10:18It's just ten questions.
10:19Yeah.
10:20Right, you've got to answer just totally honestly.
10:22Okay?
10:23Okay.
10:24Just relax, don't you?
10:25You've got nothing to worry about unless you are a racist.
10:28What's question one?
10:29Question one is who would you rather see with this shirt off?
10:32Brad Pitt or Sir Trevor McDonald?
10:34Brad Pitt.
10:35Obviously.
10:35Obviously.
10:37What?
10:38No, I can't say anything until the end.
10:40Just...
10:40Right.
10:41Um, question two.
10:42This is about racial awareness, because often you catch out a real racist because they
10:45don't know or care about any black issues.
10:48Um, who's the Prime Minister of Great Britain?
10:50Tony Blair.
10:51Correct.
10:51Who is the Prime Minister of Namibia?
10:58I don't know.
10:59You knew the white one.
11:01Okay.
11:03Who is the Queen of England?
11:04The Queen of Elizabeth II.
11:05Correct.
11:06Who is the President of Digi-Booty?
11:09This is ridiculous.
11:10I've never even heard the blummin' Digi-Booty.
11:12Oh, please do not ridicule the totally valid African language, please.
11:15Right.
11:15Next question.
11:16Who would you rather have waiting for you when you got home tonight?
11:19Johnny Depp or O.J. Simpson?
11:22Johnny Depp.
11:23Because of the murder thing.
11:24Because of the murder thing.
11:25I think you'll find that Mr. O.J. Simpson was acquitted.
11:27But in your eyes, because he's black, he's still guilty.
11:29People still think he is guilty.
11:30Racist people still think he's guilty.
11:32I'm not a racist.
11:33Well, I'm just going by the test.
11:34Listen to me.
11:34I'm trying to get off with a black person.
11:36Yes, but according to you, you wouldn't want him waiting for you in your house when
11:39you got home tonight.
11:40Only because I would go...
11:41How did you get in here?
11:42Oh, now he's breaking an entry in as well.
11:45Fascist.
11:46Right.
11:46I'm going to go and ask him out now.
11:47Well, I'd...
11:48Hold on.
11:49Watch.
11:49Tell him you had a hate rating of 9.8.
11:51One more than Hitler.
11:52Watch, I'm going now.
11:57He said yes.
11:58He is so lovely and totally amazing and I'm going out for a drink with him.
12:02When?
12:02Tonight.
12:03Well done.
12:03Actually, I'm a wee bit nervous about this date.
12:05Racist.
12:07Did you get my plate?
12:08No.
12:08Aww.
12:09You just ran away.
12:12Quick.
12:13I'll see you back.
12:14Oh.
12:15Oh, very cool.
12:16We'd only be able to squash that, wouldn't it?
12:21Would you ever die of the cold or die of the heat?
12:24Like, would you rather be trapped in a freezer or trapped in a microwave?
12:27How would you ever get trapped in a microwave?
12:29A giant microwave.
12:30You going up the station?
12:31No.
12:32Going back into town?
12:32No.
12:33Just...
12:33Where are you going then?
12:34We're just...
12:36We're going in here.
12:39Really?
12:40Yeah.
12:41So...
12:42Why?
12:43We're going to visit his mum's grave.
12:45Yep.
12:45Taking her some flowers and stuff.
12:47You haven't got any flowers?
12:47No, I've taken her some flowers.
12:49Collecting the dead flowers.
12:51From all the other visits.
12:53So...
12:53That's a bit of a coincidence, isn't it?
12:55You know?
12:55She's buried you.
12:56Right in the graveyard.
12:58Next to the studio.
12:58We're working out there.
12:59Handy.
13:00That's why we're good.
13:01See you later.
13:02Do you mind if I come with you, or?
13:04Why would I?
13:05Come on.
13:09Why do that?
13:16You don't have to wait around, mate.
13:18I'll be about half an hour and I'll get quite emotional, so...
13:20Oh, that's alright.
13:21That's not a worry.
13:21That's not a problem, mate.
13:22No, no.
13:23I spent a lot of time by graves.
13:25I'm used to it.
13:26You take your time.
13:27Enjoy.
13:29Yeah.
13:30Which one is it, anyway?
13:31Which one?
13:32That one.
13:33That one.
13:35Yeah.
13:35Yeah.
13:37There she is.
13:39Rebecca Leibovich.
13:40Mum.
13:42Sounds Jewish.
13:43I'd known you were Jewish.
13:44Didn't it?
13:45Oi.
13:46Yeah.
13:47Oi.
13:49Good God.
13:50Tied in 1953.
13:52How does that make you, then?
13:55At least 52.
13:5752.
13:5852.
13:58You're 52?
13:59Don't lick it, one bit.
13:59No, thanks.
14:00Hard to believe, isn't it?
14:02Just like it's hard to believe that we were just passing my dead mother's grave.
14:06Who is Jewish?
14:08She was born in 1893, so she died when she was 60.
14:14In childbirth.
14:16They warned her.
14:17They said, Becky, you cannot have a kid at your age.
14:19But old Ma Leibovich didn't listen.
14:21No.
14:21And here I am.
14:2252 and Jewish.
14:24Yeah.
14:25Okay.
14:26Well, why'd you change her surname, then?
14:27Just, well, fed up with the persecution.
14:29The usual story, innit?
14:30Enough is enough.
14:31Proud race.
14:32And religion.
14:34Is your dad around here, too?
14:35No.
14:36Yeah, he's still alive.
14:37Really?
14:38Apparently.
14:38How was he, then?
14:40Hundred?
14:41He's doing well, though.
14:41Yeah.
14:42For a hundred.
14:45Do you like taking the Mickey out of me?
14:46Is this fun for you, is it?
14:48What?
14:49That is not your mother's grave.
14:52Oh, no.
14:53And I don't think you're Jewish.
14:55No, she pointed to that.
14:56Why do you keep lying to me?
14:57I don't keep lying to you, do I?
14:58Yes, you do.
14:59Why?
14:59You said that we were going to go for a nice meal.
15:01Then you went back on that.
15:03I mean, do you think I haven't got any feelings or something?
15:04I know you've got feelings.
15:05Which is why I thought I would avoid the issue.
15:08Because I don't know, I don't want to go for a meal with someone else today.
15:10I mean, you won't go for a meal with me, right?
15:12Because you hate me.
15:13I don't hate you.
15:14You hate me so much that you can't bear to sit opposite me.
15:16But I have a little nibble on a bit of food in my company, the other side of the table.
15:19I could have a meal with you.
15:20Yeah, well, I know I'm not the joker of the pack.
15:22That's nothing to do with that.
15:23I might not be able to do that.
15:24I'm reliable.
15:25I'm reliable.
15:26If I say I'll be somewhere, I'm there.
15:27I know.
15:27And I'm quite happy to have a meal with you.
15:30You just say that now, because, you know.
15:32I'd like to have a meal with you.
15:33Well, when then?
15:34Any time.
15:35What, tonight?
15:35Not tonight.
15:36We'll see what I mean.
15:36Tonight.
15:38Tonight will be fun.
15:38Let's have a meal tonight.
15:40Okay?
15:41Looking forward to it.
15:46Oh, poor old nurse.
15:47Come on.
15:52Louise, 13.
15:54Karen, 10.
15:56I haven't seen either of them in three months.
15:59Hmm.
16:00With advice.
16:02Never get married.
16:04If you do get married,
16:07don't let your wife go to the greengrocers on her own.
16:10Right?
16:11Hmm.
16:12She was gone out three, four times a week,
16:15getting fresh fruit and veg.
16:18I said, well,
16:19why don't we do one big shop?
16:21No.
16:22No, she wasn't having that.
16:24She was always down there.
16:26You get suspicious, you know.
16:28When your wife's going out eight o'clock at night,
16:30buy cauliflower.
16:35Well then.
16:36What are we having?
16:39Shall I order us some champagne?
16:40No.
16:41It's not appropriate.
16:42We'll have a lager.
16:42We'll have a lager each down there and go,
16:44go home and watch telly in our separate homes.
16:49I don't, I don't.
16:50What are you going to have?
16:51I don't know.
16:51I don't know.
16:53I just can't decide it.
16:55What a tragic captain we are.
16:57We're not a couple.
16:58His wife left him and I'm out shagging.
17:00Regular as clockwork.
17:01So then.
17:18Turn up.
17:20There's no, no, no, no.
17:25It's this big stallion of a horse.
17:30Being brought on to set.
17:32And who's going to ride it?
17:34Me.
17:35Okay.
17:35Right.
17:36So in case you know,
17:36so I can't go out like a chump.
17:37So you know what I mean?
17:38I just, I pick up my chest and I'm going to say,
17:39I'm going to ride this horse.
17:40I get on the horse.
17:42You've got to go to the toilet.
17:44Yeah, yeah.
17:45Show me.
17:49What you got there?
17:50Nothing.
17:51No, no.
17:52You got something.
17:53What is it?
17:53It's fine.
17:54No, it's nothing.
17:55Come on.
17:55Let me see.
17:56Hey, what you got?
17:59Oh.
18:01It's just a golly wo toy.
18:03A golly toy.
18:04A what?
18:05A golly toy.
18:06Oh, don't worry about that though.
18:08I mean, I have had Sam wo, some, Sam, Sindbad,
18:11since I was about six or seven.
18:13He's been in the family for years,
18:15so I mean, that's harmless.
18:16You know, I think if I was a racist,
18:17I wouldn't be about to do what we were about to do.
18:20Not that I know what we were about to do,
18:21but whatever you want to do, I'm up for it.
18:24Why were you trying to hide it?
18:25I wasn't hiding it.
18:26I was just, I was putting it there because it puts me off.
18:28Well, it doesn't put me off.
18:29It just, I was putting them all together.
18:31All the toys together.
18:32Because all the toys are equal.
18:34Oh, hello.
18:35How are you?
18:37Hello there.
18:38Hello there.
18:39How are you?
18:40I'm fine.
18:41I'm not a racist.
18:43In fact, I think I fancy you.
18:44Ooh.
18:45Ooh.
18:47Ooh.
18:48Ooh.
18:49Ooh.
18:51Ooh.
18:52Ooh.
18:54Ooh.
18:54Ooh.
18:54Ooh.
18:55Ooh.
18:58I think I want to shoot off.
19:00No.
19:01Really?
19:01Yeah.
19:02Sorry.
19:02No, no, no.
19:03It's totally cool.
19:04I just think the black thing's getting in the way here.
19:05No, it's not.
19:06Don't worry.
19:07I don't think you're a racist or anything.
19:09I just think that, you know, it's on your mind and you can't get past it.
19:11So, you know, we should just relax and rewind things a bit.
19:14Okay.
19:15Oh, look.
19:15Can I just say something?
19:16The black thing, it's not an issue really.
19:18I hardly notice it.
19:20Really.
19:20It's fine.
19:20It's cool.
19:21Let's do something next week, shall we?
19:23We'll go out Friday.
19:24Yeah.
19:24Dinner.
19:25Dancing.
19:25Definitely.
19:26I love dancing me.
19:27Do you?
19:28Are you a good dancer?
19:29Not that there's any reason why you should be a good dancer.
19:32Just...
19:33I have to.
19:34I want to go.
19:35I'll speak to you tomorrow, yeah?
19:36Yeah.
19:37Okay.
19:37All right.
19:38See ya.
19:39See ya.
19:41Thanks again for the wine lifting, yeah?
19:43Bye.
19:43See ya.
19:48Bye.
19:50Oh.
19:51This is delicious, but...
19:53Try that.
19:53No.
19:54What are you doing?
19:55No.
19:57Jesus, listen to that!
19:59What?
20:00That, that?
20:01Him, that...
20:02Hippo!
20:05Oh, there's no this, right?
20:07Nothing. I'm two feet away. No, there's nothing.
20:11Oh, it's driving me mental.
20:16You really are Mr. Grumpy Boots tonight, aren't you, eh?
20:22Oh, I can't do this. Sorry.
20:24I can't go through this.
20:27I'm so fed up.
20:30I'm 43 years old, and most people my age are out with their wives or their girlfriends.
20:34I'm sat here having dinner with another middle-aged man.
20:37Because I felt sorry for you.
20:39And don't take this the wrong way, I looked at you and I thought, what a pathetic loser.
20:43And I took pity on you, and that's why I came.
20:45And I'm worse off than you in many ways.
20:48I'm lower on the chain than you.
20:50How do you think that makes me feel?
20:53And I'm not having a go at you, because I'm sure you're a nice bloke.
20:57But I've got to go, mate, because I'm actually depressed.
21:01Wait, wait. I just, like, I understand. I know what you're saying.
21:05And I, um, look, uh, I go to this as a surprise.
21:10I was going to give you a later, but here's what I'll have in now.
21:14What is it?
21:19That is two tickets for the Ben Elton musical.
21:22We will block you.
21:35What are you doing?
21:50Oh, hmm.
21:55Oh, hmm.
21:56Oh, hmm.
22:00Cheers.
22:02Cheers.
22:04Cheers.
22:16I've really had it with us. I'm so fed up.
22:19It'll be all right.
22:20What will? People will all say that. What'll be all right?
22:21When will it be all right? I'm 43. I've got nothing.
22:24No, but listen, things are looking up.
22:27You've got a line with Samuel L. Jackson, haven't you?
22:30It's a start. Oh, please, don't be like this.
22:33No, it was just after last night.
22:36How was your evening? Any better?
22:38Word of advice.
22:40If you get the most amazing, gorgeous, good-looking black guy in the world back at your house,
22:44don't leave your gullywog lying around.
22:46That's remarkable advice. Cheers.
22:47And then he got me trying to hide it, which made matters worse.
22:50Why did you try and hide it?
22:51I didn't want to offend him.
22:53And he was right, because the black thing was on my mind.
22:56I didn't know whether to talk about black things or to not talk about black things.
22:59I ended up just talking about what I thought he wanted to hear.
23:01What? Don't pander to him just because he's black.
23:04If he says, I like reggae and you don't, then say you don't, you know.
23:08It's not being racist, it's having an opinion.
23:11He's going to have a wee word with him now, eh?
23:12Aye, he's going to have a wee word with him.
23:19Hi.
23:20Hey.
23:20Do you have a quick word?
23:21Yeah, yeah, of course.
23:23I just wanted to say that I hate reggae.
23:25Sorry?
23:26I hate reggae.
23:27I hate it.
23:27It's slow.
23:29Everything sounds the same.
23:30It's boring.
23:30I can't be doing with it.
23:32What do you think?
23:33I don't particularly like reggae either.
23:35Right.
23:35Well, even if you did like it, I would still hate it.
23:37What sort of music do you like?
23:39I like jazz.
23:40I hate jazz.
23:40I hate it.
23:41In fact, do you know who I really hate in jazz?
23:43Do you know that big, fat black man?
23:44Him with his big, fat, puffed-out cheeks and his bulging-out eyes and everything.
23:49He's like trumpet man.
23:51Sasquatch.
23:52Satchmo.
23:52Louis Armstrong.
23:54Hi, yeah, hi.
23:55Hi.
23:56Do you hate all jays?
23:58Yeah, well, that's just my opinion.
23:59It's not based on anything else other than the music.
24:01Because I hate anybody doing it, you know, like black or white.
24:05Sorry, we were just having a conversation about music.
24:09I just didn't hate jazz.
24:10Yeah, I do, but I like lots of other things, though, white or black.
24:13Yeah, nothing to do.
24:13I like you, for example.
24:15I think you're great.
24:17I don't normally watch films more than once, but I thought The Matrix.
24:20I loved it.
24:21It was amazing.
24:23Yeah, it was a good film.
24:24Good film, that's all she's saying.
24:25And you were brilliant in it.
24:26Oh.
24:28I wasn't in that one.
24:30Wasn't it?
24:31Yeah, you were.
24:32You should know.
24:32No, you were in The Matrix.
24:33He was the main one.
24:34No, no, no.
24:34I can assure you I was not in The Matrix.
24:36But Lawrence Fishburne was.
24:38Maybe that's why you're confused.
24:39I know what you're thinking.
24:40She doesn't think you all look alike.
24:43If that's what you were thinking.
24:46No, I'm just saying.
24:47She doesn't.
24:48She's not racist.
24:49No way.
24:51She's not racist.
24:52In fact, she's been trying to get a black guy to shag her for a few weeks, so I don't
24:55think she's...
24:56Specifically.
24:57But I mean, it's open to all.
24:58Not all.
24:59But I mean, you, definitely.
25:00I know you're married, but if you want it to, you could be able to wrap up a train
25:03bike.
25:10Yeah, man.
25:11Okay.
25:16Talk fiction.
25:20Are we ready for the next shot?
25:22Yeah, we're ready, yeah.
25:23What are they doing?
25:24What are they?
25:26Keeping in wait, you know that?
25:29Oh.
25:30I think you're better.
25:31Yeah, we're off.
25:32We're off.
25:32We can't, because you've got the line with Samuel Jackson.
25:35I haven't.
25:35I think that's the point.
25:36I haven't got a line.
25:36I haven't got a line with Samuel Jackson, because the line brought up a drain pipe.
25:40Oh, yeah.
25:41Okay, well, cheers, everyone.
25:42Thanks.
25:44Is that how you finish?
25:45Yeah, that's it.
25:46Another good day being friends with you.
25:48Bring tea for the tiller man, stake for the sun.
25:53The dread rattling thunder have I given fire and rifted Joe's stout oak with his own
26:00bolt.
26:01The strong-based promontory have I made shake, and by the spurs plucked up the pine and cedar.
26:12Graves at my command have waked their sleepers, hoped, and led them forth by my so potent heart.
26:24Here's one.
26:26What would you rather be?
26:28It's not the best time to do this.
26:30I hear abjure.
26:31Right.
26:32Would you rather be you, with your face and your legs, and the brain of a chimpanzee?
26:38Brilliant.
26:39Or would you rather be a chimpanzee, but with your brain?
26:43I can't answer that.
26:44It's too annoying.
26:45Even for you, that's the worst one yet.
26:47Oh.
26:49And deeper than it ever plummet sound, I'll drown my book.
26:57And cubs.
26:59Good.
26:59Very good.
27:00Patrick.
27:01Happy?
27:03Okay, so we're...
27:17All right.
27:19All right.
27:21Now that is acting.
27:23Yeah, I know what acting is.
27:24Well, you know what watching acting is.
27:26Actually, you can watch me later.
27:28I've got a line.
27:30All's lost.
27:31To prayer.
27:32To prayer.
27:34All's lost.
27:35Embarrassing.
27:35Yeah.
27:36You don't know what it means, do you?
27:37Not the way you did it, then.
27:38But you don't know what it means.
27:38I don't care what it means, so...
27:40You know I do.
27:41No, because while you were at school swatting up on Shakespeare, I was out living a real life
27:45shagging birds.
27:46Really?
27:46You told me you didn't have sex till you were 22.
27:48Why are you joining in?
27:49Interesting.
27:50Not interesting.
27:50No, it's not.
27:51It's a bit interesting, because you said your mum wouldn't let you bring girls home.
27:53Why are you still joining in?
27:54The plot thickens.
27:55No, the plot doesn't thicken, because I could have been lying to her, so I don't have a plot.
27:57Calm down.
27:58If you were lying, why did you say that you lost your virginity to a woman that looked
28:01like Ronnie Corbett?
28:03And it's goodnight from me.
28:07Rubbish.
28:08I've got to go.
28:08That's cracking.
28:09Good luck.
28:10I hope you have better luck with the acting than you clearly have had with the ladies.
28:13You don't know anything.
28:14See you later.
28:15Bye.
28:15Oh.
28:18I'd love to show you.
28:19Oh, don't worry.
28:20You will get off with another woman.
28:21No, I mean my acting career.
28:22I get off with birds all the time.
28:24Sorry.
28:24Oh.
28:25Why did you tell me about the Ronnie Corbett woman?
28:27No.
28:36Hands up.
28:41Oh, hi.
28:43I'm probably going to get fired for even being here.
28:44Um, I'm an extra in this, but I'm an actor, um, really.
28:49And, well, I'm desperate, and, um, as I said, I'm really sorry, but...
28:52Oh, come on.
28:53Don't apologise.
28:53Sit down.
28:54You're hustling.
28:55Acting is a noble profession, but it's a tough one.
28:58So how are you getting yourself out there?
28:59Well, I'm just getting my face around in anything I can, but, you know, I suppose I'm networking.
29:05I've written a script.
29:06Yeah, you see, writing, you see, that's the key.
29:09I'm writing myself at the moment.
29:10Um, you see, as actors, the only choice we have is yes or no, whereas if you're writing
29:16your own material, you're creating your own opportunities.
29:19This is my thinking, yeah.
29:20I'm writing this screenplay, and, um, I find the whole process absolutely exhilarating.
29:26What's yours about, if you don't want me asking?
29:27Well, um, how best to explain it.
29:30You've seen me in X-Men.
29:31Yeah.
29:31The character I am, Professor Charles Xavier.
29:33Mm.
29:33If you remember, he can control things with the power of his mind.
29:38And make people do things and see things.
29:39So I thought, what if you can do that for real?
29:42I mean, not in a comic book world, but in the real world.
29:45All right.
29:46So, in my film, I play a man who controls the world with his mind.
29:50Right.
29:51That's interesting.
29:51Yeah, for instance, I'm walking along, and, um, I see this beautiful girl, and I think
29:56I'd like to see her naked, and so all her clothes fall off.
29:59All her clothes fall off?
30:01Mm, yes.
30:02And she's scrabbling around to get them back on again, but even before she can get her
30:05knickers on, I've seen everything.
30:07You know, I've seen it all.
30:09Okay.
30:10It's a comedy, is it?
30:12No.
30:13It's about what would happen, you know, if these things weren't possible.
30:17What's the story, though?
30:18What's the...
30:18Well, uh, I do other stuff.
30:20Like, I'm riding my bike in the park, and this policewoman says,
30:22Oi, you can't ride your bike on the grass.
30:24And I go, oh, no.
30:25And her uniform falls off, and she goes, ah!
30:28And she's trying to cover up, but I've seen everything.
30:30Anyway, and I get on my bike, I ride off.
30:33On the grass.
30:36So, it's mainly you sort of going around seeing ladies' tits?
30:40Mainly.
30:41And I do other stuff, like, um, I go to the World Cup final, and it's Germany versus England,
30:46and I wish that I were playing.
30:47And suddenly I am, and I score the winning goal, and they carry me into the dressing room,
30:50and there's Rooney and Beckham, and then Posh Spice walks in, and...
30:54Her clothes fall off?
30:55Instantly.
30:55Sure.
30:56And she doesn't know what's happening.
30:58But I've seen everything.
30:59Seen everything?
31:00Again.
31:02Good.
31:03Is there a narrative at all?
31:04Is there, like, a story in the film, or is it just...
31:06Well, I'm a sort of James Bond figure.
31:09Right.
31:10And I have to go to Iraq to rescue these hostages, and I get there, and I rescue them.
31:15But they're all women, and they're naked, because their clothes are rotted off.
31:19But I get them into the helicopter, and I'm flying in the helicopter, but I can still sneak
31:24a look in the mirror, and I can see everything.
31:26You know, one of them's bending over, two of them are kissing.
31:28They've turned lesbian.
31:29Yeah, because they've been in the camp for so long.
31:31That can happen.
31:32Well, look, good luck with that.
31:33I've just written a sitcom, but I wonder if you could give it to anyone you know, you
31:37know, in film or TV.
31:38Is there any nudity in it?
31:40Any...
31:40Any nudity in it?
31:41Not really.
31:42Oh.
31:43Well, it could be.
31:45Men or women?
31:46Either.
31:48Well, just women.
31:50Right.
31:51Well, I need to rewrite, but in the meantime, if you could give it to anyone that you know
31:54in TV or film.
31:56Yes, definitely.
31:56I will make it so.
32:01You've seen Star Trek The Next Generation, right?
32:03I haven't, no.
32:04Well, your wife won't let you have it on, has it?
32:07I'm not married.
32:08Ah.
32:08Your girlfriend, then?
32:10I haven't got a girlfriend.
32:11I live alone.
32:12You're not married.
32:13You haven't got a girlfriend.
32:14And you've never watched Star Trek.
32:17No.
32:19Good Lord.
32:21Well, probably wondering why I called you in for an unscheduled meeting.
32:24Got the wrong day?
32:26No, not at all.
32:26No, these are exciting times.
32:28I know you've been busy.
32:29I've been busy as well, generating a lot of heat about your sitcom script.
32:33Really?
32:33Yeah.
32:34Took the liberty of sending the script to a little production company called Pickard Productions.
32:37They, in turn, have sent it on to the comedy department of the BBC, who've been in touch,
32:40and apparently there's a lot of buzz.
32:41What?
32:41The BBC have called you?
32:42Yeah, yeah.
32:43They've been in touch, and they just say, we love the script, and we'd like to get you in,
32:45and just have a meeting, and chat, and brainstorm everything.
32:48Brilliant.
32:48Yeah.
32:48Who's the production company?
32:49Well, you wouldn't have heard of them.
32:50It's a little production company called Pickard Productions, set up by Patrick Stewart.
32:53And I just sent it to them.
32:53You sent it to Patrick Stewart?
32:55I just said, this is dynamite stuff.
32:56What, recently?
32:57Yeah, about two months ago.
32:58No, you didn't.
32:59I gave it to him on set.
33:10Even if I haven't done anything towards this, please, can I still have my 12.5%?
33:15Thanks.
33:19Yeah, why not?
33:20Yeah?
33:22And that's sort of the way it's done, so it's...
33:24But have you thought about who could play the main character?
33:26I'm playing the main character.
33:28Really?
33:28Are you sure?
33:28Because you're sort of a bit of a nobody.
33:30I'm not sure they'd cast a nobody in the main role.
33:32Well, we'd insist.
33:33I think the obvious choice is right under your nose.
33:35Barry.
33:36Yeah, no offence, Sean.
33:37I'm playing the lead character.
33:39Are you sure, though?
33:39Because he's really versatile.
33:40I'm not sure what it is you can do, but Barry can do all sorts.
33:44Do you serious?
33:45You do love me, Janine.
33:46You do.
33:47I know you do.
33:48Yeah?
33:48Do your comical.
33:49Pat, you're trodding on me for a...
33:50Get off!
33:51He's a singer as well.
33:52Mustang, sorry!
33:53It's loud, isn't it?
33:54Loud.
33:54He did a gig once without a microphone.
33:56There was no microphone, did it?
33:57Nothing, was there?
33:57No, he just turned up for this gig.
33:58There was no PA system, nothing.
33:59Tell him what happened.
34:00I'm going to cancel the gig.
34:01I said, you haven't a laugh, yeah?
34:01I don't need a microphone.
34:03I'm going to say, microphones are for whips.
34:04Who said microphones are for whips?
34:05And I belted it out just like that in front of, what, 140-odd people?
34:08Yeah, and they were really spread out because it was a thousand-seater venue.
34:10A lot of empty seats.
34:11Didn't phase him, didn't bother him.
34:12Just went for it.
34:12Go on, do it.
34:13All you want to do is ride around Sally.
34:15Sing it with me now!
34:17That's Sally right!
34:18What are you doing?
34:19Just having a little sing-song.
34:20I'm doing the lead in this, okay?
34:22I'm playing the lead character.
34:23That's it.
34:24I don't want to discuss it.
34:25Are you sure, though?
34:25Yes.
34:26I don't know.
34:27You've never struck me as a funny bloke.
34:29Sorry?
34:30You're always coming here and you're really negative and a bit...
34:33Doesn't that tell you something?
34:34Well, I know what you're trying to say, but I don't get Barry any work and he's happy.
34:37I'm not entirely happy.
34:38All right, back on now, mate.
34:38Giving it all this in front of another client.
34:40If you've got an issue, have a private meeting with me.
34:41If you don't, you've been hanging around with him too much, giving it this.
34:52Hi, hi.
34:53Hello, hello.
34:54Hi.
34:55Ian Morris, head of Newcom.
34:56Howdy.
34:57I'm Andy, this is my agent.
34:58Darren Lamb, nice to meet you.
34:59Hello, nice to meet you.
35:00Good.
35:01Okay, well, take a seat.
35:07Okay, well, just waiting for one more person.
35:10I want you to meet Damon Beasley.
35:12He's a producer here, but he's also a great writer.
35:14He's a script editor and I'd like to...
35:19Room for a small one.
35:20Cheeky, you started without me, not for the first time.
35:23What's he been saying?
35:25It's all lies.
35:26Lucky for you, I haven't said anything at all.
35:27Andy, this is Damon.
35:28Hi.
35:29Oh, bloody hell.
35:30We're not worthy.
35:31We're not worthy.
35:32Just tell me your script.
35:34I wet myself laughing.
35:35Last, some real talent at the BBC.
35:38Cheers.
35:39Who's happy?
35:39Where are we?
35:40Well, I just wanted to find out where you see this project going.
35:43BBC One.
35:44No, I don't actually.
35:45BBC Three?
35:45No, BBC Two.
35:47I think it's just, you know, really good for comedy.
35:49And I think if you come out with a new project on BBC One,
35:51you've got to really water it down.
35:53Do you know what I mean?
35:53I don't want a laughter track.
35:55No laughs.
35:56There'll be laughs.
35:57There'll be big laughs.
35:59But I just want it to be...
36:00I don't want it to be a comedy aimed at people without a sense of humour,
36:03if you know what I mean.
36:03I want people to have to think about it.
36:05I don't want it filmed in front of a live studio audience.
36:08Unless you guys disagree with that, in which case we can change all that,
36:10just do whatever you want to do.
36:11No.
36:12No, no, no, no.
36:13There's no need to do that, no.
36:14What I would say, though, is that because this is your first project,
36:17I would like you to initially write with someone else.
36:20He will write with anyone.
36:20I won't write with anyone.
36:21He will not write with anyone.
36:22That's a deal breaker.
36:22No.
36:24I'd like to write it myself, just because it's based on my own experiences, really.
36:29It's the characters based on a boss I used to work for.
36:32And I just generally think the best things are auteur.
36:36Turd?
36:39No?
36:42All right, well, I mean, I'm happy for you to write it yourself.
36:45I would feel happier getting Damon here just to work with you as script editor.
36:48You know, someone to bounce ideas off.
36:49Just tidy up the first script.
36:50I think it's a little bit flabby.
36:51Yeah, I mean, it's just, it's a bag of ideas at the moment, but yeah, fine.
36:54Okay, well, I think the best thing to move this forward is to get you two together in a little
36:58room.
36:59Oh, shut up.
37:02Inappropriate, a meeting at the BBC, that.
37:04Okay, that'd be, that'd be great.
37:06Okay.
37:06Okay.
37:06Let's talk cash, because, as you know, this script is piping hot.
37:10So we're looking for big bucks on this one.
37:11No.
37:11No, don't need to talk cash now.
37:12Need to talk a little bit about cash, just get some money up front for, you know, supplies, pencils.
37:18I could probably find you a computer.
37:19You happy with the computer?
37:20Yes.
37:21Yeah?
37:21You happy with the computer?
37:22Let's go with that.
37:23Okay, good.
37:24You sure you're up?
37:24Yeah.
37:24Well, thank you very much.
37:25Thanks.
37:26Cheers.
37:27Thanks very much.
37:28Nice to meet you.
37:38Celebrate good times.
37:39Come on.
37:40Did she get it?
37:41Oh, brilliant.
37:42Oh, well done.
37:43Oh, yeah.
37:44Someone's celebrating.
37:45What, wealthy old relative popped her clogs, has she?
37:48No, so why am I celebrating?
37:49It could be because of the TV show the BBC have just given me.
37:53A TV show?
37:53Yeah, pilot for a sitcom.
37:55What sitcom?
37:56Sitcom that I wrote.
37:57You're not funny.
37:58Well, BBC begs to differ.
38:00What's so bad?
38:01It's just about my old boss I used to work for.
38:04Write about what you know.
38:04I'd just like to say, I've just got something for everyone just to say thanks for all the great times.
38:09Here's just a few crumbs from the table and share the wealth.
38:12I am devastated, really, to be leaving you lot behind with us such great, especially you, Julie.
38:17Lucy.
38:18Whatever.
38:18Shouldn't you be in costume?
38:19I'm in costume.
38:20Yeah?
38:21Why did we never?
38:22And you, will you please call me?
38:24I haven't got your number.
38:25No, 079-64-64-64.
38:2707 what?
38:28Listen up.
38:29079-64, all the fleas, put them all in, otherwise it doesn't work.
38:32And in particular order.
38:33Get off Julie if you can't.
38:34Lucy.
38:34Whatever.
38:35I've got your number.
38:35Haven't you, I texted to you?
38:37Yeah, I've got my number.
38:37I know, but I'll work it out.
38:38And then we'll all have it, won't we?
38:39And we can arrange the camping trip we've always talked about.
38:43Anyway, I'll see you later.
38:45Yeah, OK, bye.
38:46See you later, man.
38:47Cheers.
38:47You all right?
38:47You look a bit pale.
38:49Let's see if we can get some rouge for Greg.
38:51I'm fine.
38:51You all right?
38:52A bit sick.
38:55We're going to make you a star.
39:02We're going to make you a star.
39:20I think structurally, we're all Iggledip, Iggledip you, and I think we can get to the boss coming in quicker
39:25and set him up straight away.
39:27Well, we could start with him actually walking into work.
39:29Like the first scene, he just actually comes in, that's when you see him.
39:32The real Ray used to come into work every day without far.
39:36He'd just walk up to someone and say something like, have we done those invoices?
39:39And I go, no.
39:40Why don't you go, is he having a laugh?
39:42Are you having a laugh?
39:45Brilliant.
39:46We're having that.
39:47That's super.
39:48That's funny.
39:48Do it again.
39:49That's what he used to do.
39:50He'd just go to someone and go, oh, every time.
39:52You having a laugh?
39:53Are you having a laugh?
39:55That's great.
39:56That'll be a catchphrase.
39:57I'm not sure about catchphrases.
39:58No, no, it'll be great.
39:59People can say it.
40:01Are you having a laugh?
40:02Are you having a laugh?
40:03I just think catchphrases are too easy.
40:04Are you having a laugh?
40:05Yeah, I think it'll get a little bit annoying after a while.
40:07Do you fancy a coffee?
40:08Yeah.
40:08I've had one in about, ooh, 20 minutes.
40:10Shall I get one from upstairs or do you fancy one from Costa's?
40:13Might take me a bit longer.
40:14That one, then.
40:15Are you having a laugh?
40:18Oh, hello.
40:19Can we help?
40:19Hi.
40:20It's my friend Maggie.
40:21Come in.
40:22Oh, you cow.
40:23I love your bag.
40:24Oh, thank you.
40:24I'm just off on a cappuccino run.
40:26Do you want one?
40:27No, it's fine.
40:27I'm just here for a wee minute.
40:29Okay.
40:29Well, lovely to meet you.
40:30See you again, hopefully.
40:32Bye for now.
40:33Bye.
40:34Bye for you, Costa.
40:35Welcome to my world.
40:37Look at you.
40:38Take a seat.
40:39Take a letter.
40:40I will.
40:41Are you well?
40:43Yeah, well, you know, I've got my health.
40:45But listen, how's it going here?
40:46He's doing my head in.
40:47Who?
40:47Who?
40:48Who?
40:49Who do you think?
40:50The owner of this monstrosity.
40:52Quentin Chris would just skip down the corridor going, oh, it's a cappuccino.
40:56Oh, he's too gay.
40:58He's too gay.
40:59What do you mean?
40:59It's that you don't need, no one needs to be that gay.
41:02What do you mean he's too gay?
41:03It's a cliche of a gay.
41:04If I was doing Give Us a Clue and the clue came up, a gay bloke, I'd do him.
41:09Unbelievable.
41:10Well, that's definitely homophobic.
41:12It's not homophobic.
41:13No, I don't care how much arse sex he has.
41:15But why do you have to be that capp, screaming and clapping?
41:19When does that happen?
41:20When do you suddenly think, well, I prefer a nice little savloy to a battered cod, so
41:25I better walk like this.
41:26Oh, I liked him.
41:27Of course you do.
41:28Women like you love the gays.
41:30What do you mean, women like me?
41:32Wrong side of 30, 6 out of 10 for looks.
41:34You've got someone to go to the disco with, haven't you?
41:36And you walk in with him and you go, look, I'm not sharking, I've got a bloke.
41:39But if a bloke comes up that you fancy, you go, oh, him, oh, he's just my gay friend.
41:42Perfect, it's a safety net.
41:446 out of 10?
41:45Yeah.
41:46Is that all I get?
41:476 out of 10?
41:48I don't know if I remember the word.
41:48Look me in the eye and see 6 out of 10.
41:51So, look, you and your wonky eye are your good eye.
41:53I have got one eye a wee bit higher up than that.
41:59See ya.
41:59Hi.
42:00Oh, I was going to ask you, how are you getting on with Andy?
42:02Oh, he's lovely, isn't he?
42:04He's very talented.
42:05Very funny script.
42:06I'm not running into any of his funny little ways.
42:08Swallow.
42:09Well, he can be quite odd sometimes.
42:11I just wanted to let you know that he is like that with everybody.
42:13How do you mean?
42:14Well, like, like noise.
42:16He's got this thing about noise.
42:18I've seen him at a restaurant.
42:19Somebody at the table nearby is cutting their meat too loudly and he's getting himself all annoyed about it.
42:23Ooh, note to self.
42:25Cut me quietly.
42:27You might find you might want to just tone it down a little bit.
42:31Tone what down?
42:31Well, you're quite calm, which is great, but I think maybe sometimes he thinks you're too gay.
42:37Did he say that?
42:38Yeah, but I mean, he wasn't being nasty about it.
42:40I just think, oh, no, I've said the wrong thing.
42:43I shouldn't have, should I?
42:44No, no, I'm fine.
42:45I'm glad you told me.
42:46Oh, good.
42:47Thank God for that.
42:47I thought I'd put my foot in it, but...
42:49Not at all.
42:50Okay, well, it was lovely to meet you then.
42:52Absolutely.
42:53Yes.
42:53Lovely to meet you.
42:53See you again.
42:54I take home part.
42:55Bye.
43:04You have one message.
43:06Message one.
43:08Hello, dear.
43:09It's your daddy here.
43:10Um, with your mummy.
43:12Um, nothing important.
43:14Give it to me.
43:15Hello, dear.
43:16Great news about Andy.
43:17We're so pleased for him.
43:19And it just got us thinking that maybe you should try and do something with your life.
43:23I mean, your dad and I aren't expecting anything spectacular.
43:26We were just thinking maybe a wee job you could be proud of.
43:29You know, we love you so much.
43:30We hate to think of you growing old and being poor and living in squalor and dying a spinster.
43:36So just give us a call to put our minds at rest that you're not just frittering your life away,
43:40would you?
43:40Okay?
43:41And if things get any worse, you can always come back home.
43:44We've still got your room.
43:44Well, it's sort of my study now.
43:46Well, we could easily squeeze in a tiny wee single bed.
43:49All right, Ben.
43:50Give us a call, sweetheart.
43:51Bye for now.
43:52Bye, dear.
43:53Bye.
43:59Okay, great.
44:00Well, I love the changes.
44:01I think this is looking great.
44:02Well done.
44:02Oh, thank you.
44:03And I think we're ready to move things forward as day.
44:05My thought is I'd like to shoot a non-broadcast pilot with a few two making a series.
44:09Oh.
44:10Okay.
44:12All right.
44:13Brilliant.
44:13So are you happy with the way things have gone so far?
44:16Definitely.
44:16Are you happy working with Damon?
44:18Definitely.
44:18No problems with your working relationship?
44:21Nothing you want to discuss?
44:22Nope.
44:23Okay.
44:25I'm not too gay for you, then.
44:26Damon.
44:27I'm sorry.
44:28I said I wasn't going to say anything, but he's lying through his teeth.
44:30Excuse me.
44:33It's your friend Maggie, is it?
44:35She told him what you said about him.
44:37What did I say about him?
44:37That he's too gay.
44:39Oh.
44:40No, she's an idiot.
44:41She's an idiot.
44:42So you didn't say that.
44:44Yes.
44:45But he wasn't meant to hear it.
44:48Well, what concerns me is if you're so homophobic you couldn't work with a single gay person.
44:52I'm not homophobic.
44:54In fact, I actually said to her, I said, I don't care how much arse sex he has, is just
45:01to, um, what was I, I can't remember what I was saying.
45:04You're aware that I'm gay?
45:09You didn't.
45:10Well, no, you didn't, and you don't make a song and dance, but you don't go, ooh, well, I'm, I,
45:14I, I, I, I didn't, no, I'll stop you there.
45:17I'm cool.
45:17What concerns me is we've all got to work together, and if this is where we are when we've only
45:21just started, where the hell are we going to be a month or so down the line?
45:24It won't be a problem, because I just apologised to Damo, and I just, everyone gets wound up with people
45:28they're working in close proximity with.
45:30Little things wind you up.
45:31It doesn't matter, it's not a case of being straight or gay.
45:33It's my neuroses, and I just, you know.
45:35Well, do you think you could put your hang-ups in your neuroses on hold?
45:38Yes.
45:38He won't be around for long.
45:40What, AIDS?
45:42Sorry?
45:43Is it AIDS?
45:46No, I mean, the pilot will only take a couple of months.
45:48Oh, yeah, oh.
45:50Right, listen, talk to Damo, I'll talk to him, we'll see where we are, and if we feel we can
45:55go forward with this project or not.
45:56Oh, we can, oh, okay, I'll talk to him, I'll talk to him now.
46:00Okay, good.
46:00Okay, oh.
46:03Okay, I'll go and talk to him.
46:04All right, bye.
46:08Hi, do me a favour, stay out of my business.
46:09Andy, what?
46:10Come here, come here.
46:11I may have lost the pilot, thanks to you.
46:12Why?
46:13Why, because you stuck your nose in once again where it wasn't needed.
46:15Telling Damo I thought he was too gay.
46:16What were you thinking?
46:17I was thinking that you were stressed, and I just wanted to help you.
46:20That's helping me, is it?
46:21I just can't believe this stupidity sometimes.
46:23Andy, don't be like this, I can't cope, I'm having a bad time at the moment.
46:26Sorry, what's a bad time for you?
46:28Ty dyed the wrong t-shirt, he lost a kooky brooch.
46:30I was just about getting to where I wanted to be, and you may have fucked it up.
46:33I've been grovelling all day at the BBC.
46:35I've got a meeting there at four o'clock, right?
46:37They may pull the plug.
46:38Imagine if they pulled the plug.
46:39Oh, I'm going to look you in the face again.
46:40Do you want me to see something?
46:41You're not listening.
46:41I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Andy.
46:43I don't know what you want me to see.
46:44I was just trying to help you.
46:46I don't want you to help me anymore.
46:47I want you to stop living like a child, just floating through life like everything's okay,
46:50until it actually affects someone, okay?
46:52So, really, my advice to you is, you've got to grow up.
46:57Clean up.
46:58Just sort your mess out before you get involved in my life, really.
47:39It's unfortunate that we've ended up in this position, Andy, and I'm not going to speak
47:42for Damon.
47:43Damon, do you want to?
47:45Well, things were said that were very hurtful.
47:47Yeah.
47:48But your apology means a lot to me, so...
47:52If you're happy to work with me, then I'd like to carry on working with you.
47:55Definitely.
47:55Definitely.
47:56Yeah.
47:57I'm such a huge fan of this project.
47:58I'm a big fan of yours, so...
48:00Great.
48:01Happy?
48:02Definitely.
48:02Water under the bridge.
48:04Wonderful.
48:05Okay, let's get some dates sorted and get the ball rolling on this project.
48:08Yeah.
48:09Come on, silly.
48:10Oogie bears.
48:13No.
48:15Okay.
48:16Do you want one?
48:16No.
48:17Just normal?
48:17Yeah.
48:18Okay.
48:18Okay.
48:18Brilliant.
48:19Okay, thanks.
48:22Cheers.
48:29Cheers.
48:31Cheers.
48:33Cheers.
48:34Cheers.
48:34Cheers.
48:34Cheers.
48:35Cheers.
48:35Cheers.
48:35Cheers.
48:37Cheers.
48:37Cheers.
48:37Cheers.
48:38Cheers.
48:39Cheers.
48:39Cheers.
48:40Cheers.
48:42Cheers.
48:45Cheers.
48:58Cuts.
48:59Great.
49:01Let's check the gate.
49:09See ya.
49:10See ya.
49:10See ya.
49:10That'll be done.
49:11Oh, see ya.
49:11See ya.
49:12Bye.
49:14Maggie.
49:17Hi.
49:17You all right?
49:18Yeah.
49:20You?
49:20Yeah.
49:22Yes.
49:23Look.
49:26Okay.
49:27Now.
49:28Hello, Maggie.
49:30Hello.
49:30This is Patrick Stewart here, and the reason you're hearing my rich, sexy voice is that Andy
49:35is not man enough to apologize himself.
49:38Even though he knows he's in the wrong, that's why he's asked me to do it for him.
49:42Please, look at his fat expressionless face.
49:45He doesn't mean any of the things he said, and he knows you don't have a malicious bone
49:49in your body, and we're just trying to help.
49:52If you can find it in your heart to forgive him, then please, make it so.
50:01Have you seen Star Trek The Next Generation?
50:03Er, no.
50:04I haven't, actually.
50:06Never mind.
50:07Incidentally, Maggie, are you an actress?
50:09Because I'm writing a film, and I'd love you to be in it.
50:11Okay.
50:12No, she can't.
50:13Okay, thanks.
50:14Cheers.
50:15What was that about a film?
50:16You don't want to be any part of it, trust me.
50:21Your hair looks really nice.
50:22It's like your face.
50:22What?
50:23It does.
50:24Well, thanks, man.
50:25Hi, looks fine, by the way.
50:26Thank God for that.
50:28See, I just want to let you know that I have taken on board all that stuff that you were
50:32saying about growing up.
50:33Oh.
50:34Don't.
50:34Please, shut up.
50:35Er, don't.
50:37You know what I mean.
50:37I'm mortified.
50:38I know, I know, but you were right.
50:40I wasn't right.
50:40You're about the most grown-up person I know.
50:42Sort of the only person you know.
50:44You win by default.
50:46Correct.
50:49I'm really sorry.
50:51Can I go for my hand, please?
50:56Of course.
50:57A man's looking.
50:58That would ruin everything, wouldn't it?
51:00He's quite a nice one, though, isn't he?
51:02He's fine.
51:03I've been working up to sea on low-tem for the last couple of days.
51:06Sure.
51:07What do you think?
51:08You know what I think.
51:09What?
51:09I think you're a tart.
51:11Go on, then.
51:13Work your magic.
51:14I will.
51:15I'll see you later, yeah?
51:15Mm-hmm.
51:16See you.
51:17See you.
51:26That was quick.
51:27I couldn't think of anything.
51:28He's witty to three.
51:29He's on a full name.
51:30Sure.
51:31What would you rather do?
51:34Go on, then.
51:36Wake up when your teeth are sort of falling out.
51:37Wake up when your hair's falling out.
51:40Or wake up and your toes are falling off.
51:46Well, has my hair gone through this?
51:47Bring tea for the tiller man, steak for the son.