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00:04The end of the day
00:04The end of the day
00:04The end of the day
00:07The end of the day
00:09I know that they are here
00:10I can smell them
00:11You are just a dog
00:14Let's go!
00:28Go!
00:29Go!
00:35You're a bitch!
00:44CUT!
00:45Oh, for fuck's sake
00:46Checking the K on that, thank you
00:52Was I in it?
00:53No, I wasn't then
00:55What is the point of getting all tarted up like this
00:56if you're not even going to make it to the scene?
00:58You look quite dapper
01:00It's a Nazi uniform
01:01It's quite natty though, isn't it?
01:03Natty!
01:04I bet it's more comfortable than this
01:05This is a woman loading right up my clunge
01:08Can you imagine hiding from the Gestapo
01:09for weeks and then dressed like this?
01:11Yeah, it must have been awful
01:13It's actually very slimming, that
01:15Yeah? Oh, we're out on Friday night
01:16She's alright, I can see what she means
01:18Yeah? Do you feel it look good in this?
01:20You see me with a white sheet over my head setting fire to a cross
01:22Ooh!
01:25Who's that?
01:26Sure
01:26Seems nice
01:28I've got to get out of this
01:30Doing my backing
01:33Okay, good, thank you
01:34Moving on now
01:34Thanks chubs
01:38Do you know what worries me?
01:44I don't know
01:46Where the baby aunts go to school?
01:48Go on
01:48No
01:49All these people going about pretending to be nuns
01:52What do you mean?
01:52Do you think that's right?
01:54It's a film
01:55I know but they're all like wandering around as holy ladies
01:58Wouldn't that offend God or something?
02:01Offend God or someone?
02:02But does it not worry you a bit?
02:04No, what offending God?
02:05I'm an atheist
02:06What one's that? Is that the one where you haven't decided what you wanted?
02:09No, it's agnostic, I'm an atheist, I firmly believe there is no God
02:11Why?
02:13What do you mean what?
02:14The burden of proof is not on me, the burden of proof is on the people who say there is
02:16a God
02:16I don't believe in God, I believe in science
02:18So do you not believe in anything like ghosts or spirits or anything?
02:22No, I don't believe in ghosts or spirits or elves
02:25It's certainly not God, no
02:27So what do you think happens when you die?
02:30Well, if you're buried, you go in the ground and you're worm food
02:33See, I don't like that
02:35I would rather believe that there is a God and your soul just floats away onto eternity
02:40And all your friends from school will be there, like all the ones you haven't seen for ages
02:43And all your dead pets and just little nice people
02:46You don't have to worry about worms
02:50You're leaving God then?
02:52I think I need to go for a wee
02:54God, that's the third one already
02:57Good, well keep me posted throughout the week
02:59Maybe keep a journal
03:21Oh God, what have you done?
03:24What?
03:25What's happened? Are you alright?
03:26Oh no, no, I've got a cerebral palsy, don't worry
03:30Oh good
03:33I thought you did a fall or something
03:36No, I'm cool really
03:37Oh hello then, I'm Maggie, I'm Suzanne again and this is my sister friend
03:41Good to meet you, hi
03:44Are you in this as well?
03:46Oh, she's just here to watch
03:47Oh, I was going to say
03:48Oh, well I had a bit of spare time, you know
03:51Because my tap dancing class was cancelled, so
03:56Right
03:58Don't tap dancing me
03:59Oh right, yeah, yeah, welcome
04:01Yeah
04:05I've got a question about your props
04:06What?
04:07Where's all this stuff come from?
04:09Just buy it
04:11What, there's a shop for a 30-foot swastika, is there?
04:15No, I got that from my aunt, it's my nan's
04:17Hello
04:18Is she alright?
04:19Yep
04:21Hey, do you want to have lunch with us later?
04:23I can't
04:24I've got to go and see my fall with an agent
04:26Still going well, isn't it?
04:27Went in the other day, right
04:28And he said to me, Andy, he said
04:31If I don't get a decent client soon
04:33I'm going to have to go full-time at the car phone warehouse
04:37Unbelievable
04:37Hey, I've got to go
04:38See you later
04:39Bye
04:40Go and move some props around
04:41Will do
04:44Going well, is it?
04:45Yes, good
04:46That's longer than a day you've been going up with this one, isn't it?
04:48Three weeks
04:49That has got to be a record for you
04:50Cheekiness
04:51No, well done
04:52Good luck
04:53Well, I'm glad you like it
04:54Yeah, good
04:56What?
04:57What?
04:57Nothing
04:58Married?
04:59No
04:59Gay?
05:00No
05:00It is something though
05:05He likes to talk dirty on the phone
05:08He'll call me up and he's coming out with all this filth
05:13Why would you tell me that?
05:16What does he say?
05:17What does he say?
05:19He calls up and says things like
05:22Oh, what are you doing?
05:24Tiny
05:24What do you say?
05:26Well, I didn't know what was going on at first
05:27I didn't realise
05:28And I was just honest with him and I said
05:29Oh, I'm just cleaning out the vegetable drawer of the fridge
05:33Well, you probably thought that was a euphemism
05:34To be fair
05:35Oh, I'm cleaning out my vegetable drawer
05:36Oh, I am scrubbing my front step
05:39Have you talked dirty back to him?
05:40No
05:40Have you?
05:41No, I have not
05:41I don't know what to say to him, it's too embarrassing
05:44Yeah
05:44Well, what if I say, like, something and he just laughs at me
05:47Or something and it's too much and he gets all offended?
05:51Well, no, it's just all stuff like, uh, oh, I'm playing with myself
05:55Sounds interesting
05:56Hey, not me
05:58Oh
05:59Go on
06:02Her boyfriend likes to talk dirty on the phone and she doesn't know what to say to him
06:04Whoa
06:05Oh, yeah, that can be a bit awkward
06:08Well, yeah, why don't you just start off with something light, you know, like, um
06:12I'd love it if you stuck your Willy Wonka between my Oompa Loompas, you know, something a bit fun, a
06:15bit jokey
06:16And then you can get more hardcore, rattle off the old classics like
06:19I'm playing with my dirty pillows, I'm aching for your big purple-headed womb ferret
06:24And then go straight in hard, like, get round here cos I'm fudding myself stupid and I'm bloody loving it
06:30Right?
06:30Yeah
06:31Yeah
06:33Anyway, let it get on
06:34Good luck
06:36Love to Sam Mendes
06:39Kate Windsor
06:40Just
06:41Talking dirty to
06:43Anne Frank and
06:45Joseph Goebbels
06:46Just
06:46Another normal day
06:58Guten Tag, Farline
06:59Oh, hi
07:00Oh, hi, what is this? Oh, hi
07:02Sorry, is that meant to be German?
07:04Ah, yeah, resisting's a great German sense of humour
07:06Yeah, English, yeah?
07:08Well, then I have something for you that'll make you roll into aisles
07:12This is funny to you, yeah?
07:13Because it looks like a singing, yeah
07:16Actually, this'll make you laugh
07:17Jesus, look
07:18Pissed up nutter over there
07:19Please have a few
07:22Actually, is he pissed or mental?
07:25Oh, she comes
07:26It's my sister
07:27Oh?
07:28She's got cerebral palsy
07:30No
07:31No
07:31Not
07:33Her
07:33Another
07:34No, that was
07:35Not another nutter
07:36She's
07:36She's not
07:37And
07:37She's gone now
07:38When I'm in
07:39Shot on and just
07:40Shot off again
07:45This is my sister, Francesca
07:47Hiya
07:48You all right?
07:48Hiya, you all right?
07:49Yeah, you all right?
07:50What do you do in this thing?
07:53What, Judith?
07:54No, she said, what do you do in this?
07:56Oh, a background artist
07:57Oh, right
07:58And what does that entail?
08:01What does that entail?
08:03What does that entail?
08:03Just standing round, really
08:05Although it's not what I do
08:06I'm a real actor
08:07This is just sort of like
08:08Pocket money
08:09Yeah, well, I'll bet they also that, didn't they?
08:18All right, mate
08:18Come and check this out
08:19I just typed in 58,008
08:21Into a calculator
08:22There
08:24And, lo and behold
08:25Amazingly
08:26Comes up
08:27Boobs
08:28You see that?
08:29It's riff now, isn't it?
08:33Good
08:35What can I do?
08:36Oh, hang on, sorry
08:37Better get that
08:38Hang on
08:40Just
09:00Hello?
09:01It's gone
09:03It's annoying
09:04It's weird that
09:05It always happens with that one
09:08Turn it off
09:08Okay, I'll put it on and vibrate
09:11I knew you'd do that
09:15Um
09:16What can I do for you?
09:18You call me in for a meeting
09:20Did I? What was that about?
09:22I don't know. You said you wanted to see me.
09:24All right, I'll just check on here.
09:36What's the gist of it?
09:37It'll be on here. I've got everything organised on there, so...
09:40It's all... I'm looking at the wrong day.
09:45It's the third of the day, isn't it?
09:46Fourth. Fourth.
09:47Yeah, I was looking at the wrong day. It's Tuesday, the third blank.
09:50Um, what does it say here?
09:52It just says, today, catch-up meeting, just to catch up, really, with you
09:55and find out what's been happening, tell you about what's coming in.
09:57OK, what's coming in?
10:07Nothing's come in, according to that.
10:09Nothing's come in?
10:10No.
10:10OK, good. Well, that was well worth it.
10:13I mean, apart from sitting there and waiting for the phone to ring,
10:15what have you done? Have you called it? Have you sent the script out?
10:18What script? Sorry.
10:19Oh, man, the script I gave you two months ago.
10:22That sounds good.
10:23The sitcom?
10:24Yeah? Funny?
10:25You haven't read it?
10:27What's it called? Because I can go on to that.
10:30When the whistle blows.
10:32I'll just write down. When the W blows.
10:35Don't put W. You'll forget what the W stands for. Ride it all out.
10:37No, when the wind blows.
10:38Whistle!
10:39I'll put that in.
10:40W equals wind.
10:42Whistle!
10:43It's there. It's in.
10:45That's safe then, is it? That's done. I could forget about that.
10:47That's on its way.
10:48Yeah?
10:48I've got my best man on it.
10:49Yeah, yeah, yeah.
10:50Safe hands. Safe hands.
10:51Um, good.
10:53Do you want to put another meeting in?
10:54Any point?
10:55May as well.
10:56Um, and then when nothing comes in, just phone you up and cancel it.
11:00What's the plan?
11:01I don't think of him as an agent, though.
11:04I think of him as a bloke who had some cards printed up in a vending machine in a garage
11:07with a word agent on them.
11:09That to me is his qualifications.
11:11It's like, he sent me up for the lead role in Billy Elliot.
11:15Yeah, right, a man in charge of my career.
11:17I'm glad you weren't, kindly, Fanny.
11:18She's laughing at my life.
11:21Aw.
11:22That's been lovely to see her laughing.
11:26She laughs all the time.
11:27She lives to laugh.
11:28Well, you have to be able to laugh, don't you?
11:31Keeps you sane.
11:33I thought she was sane.
11:35No, I mean, it keeps anybody sane.
11:37Oh, right.
11:38Yes, you're laughing and...
11:39You know, don't reckon that if you can laugh, you can cope with, like, anything.
11:44It's God-given gift, isn't it?
11:45Laughing in the face of adversity.
11:49You're quite religious, are you?
11:50Yeah, both are.
11:51We both really believe, right, that God gives us a struggle, and that's a point of life, isn't it?
11:58You know, to, like, overcome the difficulties thrown at you.
12:01And the great thing is, you know that in heaven, everything will be all right.
12:06Maggie, do you believe in God, or...?
12:08Yes, I do, I think, yes.
12:10Great.
12:11And what about you, Andy?
12:13Do you believe in God?
12:14Like, do you believe everything will be okay in heaven?
12:22Yeah.
12:23What faith are you?
12:25What?
12:25What faith are you?
12:27Um, Catholic.
12:28Oh, really?
12:29So are we?
12:30Oh, excellent.
12:32A lot of us are about, and I am definitely one of us.
12:35Catholicism.
12:36The C word.
12:37Not the C word.
12:38A C word.
12:40Heaven.
12:41Yeah, amazing.
12:42It's going to be brilliant up there.
12:44You're going to have an amazing time.
12:45You're going to love it.
12:46Oh, like Ibiza or something.
12:51Please, Lord.
12:53Let us know that you have seen what we have seen.
12:58Please, Lord.
13:00You have to let us know that we are not alone.
13:21Thank you, Lord.
13:25Thank you, Lord.
13:32I have to let us know that.
13:33Does it have to be that hot?
13:35Well, thank you.
13:36Sweating like a bastard.
13:37One of the lose the rag sometimes.
13:40Oh, hiya.
13:40How did it go with your dirty phone call?
13:42Oh, I haven't done it yet.
13:43I'm working up to it.
13:44Well, here's another one that's always good.
13:46Just do all the preliminary stuff, and then you go, hang on.
13:49Why is the slut from next door just coming into my bedroom and is taking a bra off?
13:52Are you just pretend you're getting it on with her?
13:55I couldn't do that.
13:56Of course you could.
13:57You're an actress.
13:58No, I'm not.
13:58I'm just an extra.
14:00You're the actress.
14:01Brilliant actress, by the way.
14:03Yeah, she's...
14:03I'm an actor as well.
14:05If there's a line going in this film, I'd love to be part of this, because I'd just like
14:08to say, I think, you know, you doing this is so commendable, you know, using your profile
14:12to keep the message alive about the Holocaust.
14:15God, I'm not doing it for that.
14:17I mean, I don't think we're going to need another film about the Holocaust, do we?
14:19It's like, how many have there been?
14:21You know, we get it.
14:22It was grim.
14:23Move on.
14:24No, I'm doing it because I've noticed that if you do a film about the Holocaust,
14:27guaranteed an Oscar.
14:28I've been nominated four times.
14:30Never won.
14:31The whole world is going, why hasn't Winslet won one?
14:36Yes, yeah.
14:38That's it.
14:39That's why I'm doing it.
14:41Schindler's Bloody List.
14:42The Pianist.
14:44Oscars coming out of their arse.
14:47You're both good luck, Ben.
14:48It's a good plan.
14:49Yeah, thank you.
14:50Good luck with your phone call.
14:53See you later, bye.
14:54Can we go again?
14:55Yep.
14:56Go.
15:00Action.
15:08Sorry.
15:09Sorry.
15:09Okay, we've got there, thank you.
15:11Can I reset, please?
15:12Back to number one.
15:16Are you married or single?
15:19Right.
15:19I think my sister might like you a bit.
15:23Really?
15:24Yeah.
15:25She's only human.
15:27Susan, beware of the devil.
15:30Don't let him spoil your heart.
15:32Susan, beware of the devil.
15:35Don't let him put us apart.
15:37Whoa, whoa.
15:38Susan, beware of the devil.
15:40Don't let him put us apart.
15:42Square head.
15:43Must say.
15:44Anyway, I'm asking you, actually.
15:46A couple of friends of mine having a get-together tonight.
15:48And if you're free, would you like to come along?
15:50Yeah.
15:50Great.
15:51Definitely.
15:52Yeah.
15:56Oh, my God.
15:57I've got Jeremy Clarkson's clothes.
15:59I can't.
16:01What sort of a party is it?
16:03We should just get-together with some friends.
16:04Probably casual, but I want to look good, don't I?
16:08Oh.
16:10I know.
16:11You said she was quite a classy stovid.
16:12Yeah.
16:13Typical lady.
16:14This, look.
16:16Lead us, Heavenly Father, lead us, o'er the world's tempestuous sea.
16:21Guard us, guide us, keep us, feed us, for we have no help but thee.
16:28Yet possessing every blessing, if our God, our Father...
16:31Lovely suit.
16:32Thanks.
16:33I'd look good for a prayer meeting.
16:34...of our God descending.
16:35Fill our hearts with heavenly joy.
16:38Love with every passion will...
16:40I'm just going to take out of interest.
16:42Pleasure.
16:42Hour and a half.
16:42Hour and a half.
16:43Ooh.
16:45Time for drink afterwards?
16:47Yes.
16:48Nothing can our peace destroy.
16:51Isn't that lovely?
16:53Thank you, Lisa.
16:54It's lovely.
16:59Hi.
17:00It's me.
17:02Yeah, no, I'm good.
17:03You?
17:04Good.
17:06Yeah.
17:07I'm ready.
17:08Okay.
17:11I'm not wearing anything.
17:13No?
17:14You're not wearing anything?
17:16Oh, hey.
17:17Both of us are not wearing anything.
17:19What am I doing?
17:20Yeah.
17:21Uh, first off, I'm fudding myself stupid and I'm bloody loving it.
17:30Fudding.
17:31I think she wanted me to, uh, wear my uniform.
17:34Have you told her how good I looked, didn't I?
17:35Really nice.
17:36Yeah.
17:36She really likes it.
17:37Do you know what uniform it is?
17:38Hmm?
17:38German.
17:39Oh.
17:39I know, yeah.
17:40With what they did.
17:41She'll be ashamed of herself.
17:43Don't think you two have been formally introduced.
17:45This is Andy, father.
17:46How are you, son?
17:48Oh, you don't have to do that.
17:49I'm not the Pope.
17:50No, it's old habits die hard.
17:51My old priest used to make me kiss him.
17:53On the ring.
17:53I don't think, no, there's none of that going on.
17:56And that makes me sick as well, people saying priests are pedophiles and kiddy fiddlers.
18:01There's probably, I mean, there probably are.
18:03I mean, you probably know some, but there's no higher percentage of perverts in, but they,
18:09you know, they're all walks of life, aren't they?
18:12It's not, you know, there are nonces everywhere.
18:14But let's not exaggerate the issue, is what I'm saying.
18:16I've never been touched by a priest.
18:18I've been touched by God.
18:19Not in that way.
18:20In the heart, but, you know.
18:22Or, uh, ah, condoms.
18:28Do we need them?
18:30Don't think so.
18:31Let the free seed of love gush forth.
18:43Who was your confirmation saint?
18:46Mine.
18:49Saint Bernard.
18:51Saint Bernard!
18:53Who was your priest growing up?
18:58Father.
19:00Fla...
19:01Artie.
19:03Fla...
19:04What?
19:04Father Michael Flatley.
19:06Michael Flatley?
19:07Oh, Flatley.
19:08Irish fella.
19:10What?
19:12Where was his parish?
19:14Just in a parish of, um, where I grew up, in my, uh, parish, the holy parish of Wokingham.
19:21I've done a lot of work under London and Thames area, and I...
19:24I've never heard of a father, Michael, of Flatley.
19:27No.
19:28He died.
19:29Um, dead.
19:31Untraceable.
19:32He won't be replaced.
19:34He won't be replaced.
19:34Not by me, anyway.
19:35That's a great man.
19:39Can I ask you a personal question?
19:40Go for it.
19:41And it may seem blunt, but honesty is a cornerstone of the Catholic faith.
19:45I'm into that.
19:47Are you a Catholic?
19:49Am I, uh...
19:51Are you a Catholic?
19:52Oh, my God.
19:56Well, if you're asking to see some official documentation, you're going to be gutted.
20:02Have you been confirmed?
20:04Have you ever taken communion?
20:07No, actually.
20:10Did Father Flatley exist?
20:12Oh, Flatley.
20:12Did he ever exist?
20:14No.
20:20Why have you been pretending to be a Catholic?
20:23Because it does no harm.
20:25Does it?
20:27You want to laugh?
20:29Was it just to get close to me?
20:33Well, I do fancy her, if that's...
20:35Come on.
20:36Even you must think.
20:39And I thought you might not get off with someone who wasn't Catholic.
20:43So I was...
20:43Sorry, I wouldn't get off with you anyway.
20:45I don't believe in sex before marriage.
20:50Really?
20:52In this day and age?
20:55A bit annoying, to be honest.
20:57What?
20:58I can't believe you lied to me just to try and sleep with me.
21:01I'd already lied before I tried it on with you, so...
21:05What was the first lie?
21:07What was the f...
21:10I didn't want to upset her.
21:13Sorry, what do you mean?
21:16Sorry, what the what?
21:18What do you mean?
21:19Oh, I will.
21:23She was saying the only thing that keeps her going is the thought that one day she'll be in heaven
21:28and everything will be alright.
21:29And I didn't want to go, no, you're barking up the wrong tree, love.
21:32There's no God.
21:33There's no heaven.
21:34You're not going to be up there talking normally and running around legs and playing volleyball and everything.
21:39So I didn't, I said a...
21:44Like a white lie, innit?
22:05Look, if it makes you feel uncomfortable, then we shouldn't do it.
22:08No, but I want to make you happy.
22:10I'm happy if you're happy.
22:12It's just a silly little thing, yeah.
22:13It's a bit of fun.
22:15If you're not into it, so be it.
22:16That's cool.
22:17Really?
22:18I'm going to be because of you.
22:19My God, really?
22:21You know what?
22:22What?
22:23You're cool.
22:25No, I do think so.
22:26Am I interrupting?
22:27Yes.
22:27Good.
22:28All right?
22:29Hey.
22:29How are you?
22:30Good, yeah.
22:30Oh, how was the date?
22:31The date?
22:33Um, good.
22:34Let me just go over some highlights for you.
22:38Lied to a priest in front of a room full of Christians.
22:40Some of them elderly, some of them just weird and bewildered.
22:42So insulted them in their belief system,
22:44made a woman hate me for the rest of her life.
22:47Yeah?
22:47Didn't believe in God before.
22:48Definitely going to hell.
22:50I liked her as well.
22:51Aw.
22:52Here, listen, but don't worry.
22:54I know someone who'd be perfect for you.
22:55She's desperate,
22:56and she has real trouble hanging on to men
22:57because she's clinically depressed.
22:59Have you got a number?
23:00I do actually think it's in my phone.
23:01I'm being sarcastic because I don't want to go out with a psychopath.
23:04Well, she's quite nice underneath.
23:06Oh, she just cuts you if she forgets to take her lithium.
23:08Hi.
23:09Hi.
23:09Hi.
23:09How did it go?
23:11Oh, oh, this is my boyfriend, Mike.
23:13This is Mike.
23:14I don't think you've met before this.
23:15Mike, this is the actress keepers.
23:17Hi, Mike.
23:18Oh, yeah.
23:18Great to meet you.
23:19Yeah, how you doing?
23:19Do you want the tea?
23:20No, that's fine.
23:27So, it's the weekend.
23:29Anyone got any big plans?
23:31I'll tell you what we're going to do.
23:32We're going to have a big spring clean.
23:34Yeah, my husband's going to be rummaging around in my basement
23:36while I polish his Oscar.
23:40I certainly know because I'm going to be in the garage, probably,
23:43just cleaning the car,
23:45giving the old girls headlamps a good soaping up,
23:48giving them a good seeing to.
23:50Can I just say,
23:51I mean, you probably get this all the time,
23:52but can I just say I'm a big fan.
23:54I've seen Titanic like five times as well.
23:56Oh, that's sweet.
23:57Have you seen Titanic?
23:58Great.
23:59Brilliant.
24:00A lot of it was, um,
24:01um,
24:03it's, um,
24:04a lot of it is CGI'd, actually.
24:06You know that?
24:08Half a boat.
24:09Really?
24:17What are you doing?
24:18Just checking that.
24:22Is it all right?
24:24Yeah.
24:25It's all right.
24:29So you've told them, have you, about the phone call?
24:30No, no, no, I haven't.
24:31You've told them about the phone call?
24:32I can't believe you've told other people.
24:33Hey, hey, hold on.
24:35Where are you going?
24:35Just,
24:36well, you know everything anyway,
24:37so you might as well watch the break-up.
24:38It's over.
24:39They know, listen.
24:40Well, how can I trust you now?
24:42Were you really doing anything?
24:44When you said you were rubbing it,
24:45were you really rubbing it?
24:47No.
24:49I don't know what to do.
24:50I don't know what to do.
24:51This is such a betrayal.
24:53You're just laughing at me behind my back.
24:54I'm not.
24:55Then what's all this with her?
24:57I was getting advice.
24:59Off Kate Winslet?
25:01Are you proud of yourself, are you?
25:04It's not because you're in the biggest film ever.
25:05You've got the right to mock the little people.
25:08No.
25:09So all that stuff about your husband polishing his Oscar,
25:11was that supposed to mean wanking?
25:13Yeah.
25:15And your basement, man?
25:18My fanny.
25:23Pathetic.
25:28Thanks very much.
25:33I keep seeing her around.
25:35What is up with her?
25:36Um, she's got a cerebral palsy.
25:39Oh, that's worth remembering, I tell you.
25:41That is another way you win an Oscar.
25:42Seriously, think about it.
25:44Daniel Day-Lewis in My Left Foot.
25:46Oscar.
25:48Dustin Hoffman, Rain Man.
25:49Oscar.
25:50John Mills, Ryan's daughter.
25:51Oscar.
25:52Yeah.
25:53Seriously?
25:54You are guaranteed an Oscar
25:55if you play a mentor.
26:00See you later.
26:01Cheers.
26:02Bring tea for the children, man.
26:04Steak for the...
26:06What's on your mind?
26:07Seriously, talk to me.
26:09Why am I not getting any acting roles?
26:12I've been thinking about this,
26:13and I'm glad you brought it up.
26:14I've got a feeling it could be a shape.
26:16It is a very unusual shape,
26:17and I'm not sure who would be looking for it.
26:19Could you maybe do a bit more exercise?
26:21Could you maybe do a bit more work?
26:22Well, I don't know what...
26:23No, we can banter all we like,
26:24but, um, I mean, all I say is
26:26if you insist on remaining, you know, a blob,
26:30could you maybe at least get a tan?
26:32They're looking for a fat bloke with a tan, are they?
26:35What's that for?
26:35Oliver Stone's story of Buddha.
26:38Before I get up and walk out of here,
26:40possibly forever,
26:42have you got anything for me at all?
26:44Loads of stuff.
26:45Do you fancy
26:48Panto and Guildford
26:49with Les Dennis?
26:50No.
26:54What, that's it?
26:55Yeah.
26:57You said there was loads of stuff.
26:58I thought you'd go with that one.
27:03What's the role?
27:03Well, it is the part of the genie in Aladdin.
27:07Oh, they're happy with a fat bloke for that, are they?
27:10With a tan, ideally.
27:36Andy Milman, this is Les Dennis.
27:38Oh, I know you are.
27:39Good to meet you.
27:39Nice to meet you.
27:40Andy is playing our genie.
27:42Oh, no, really?
27:44Could Chris Biggins not do it?
27:45He was busy.
27:46Biggins was busy?
27:48That's a nightmare.
27:50What about John Thompson off Goldfeet?
27:52Oh, he was available, but he screwed up the edition.
27:54He was very, very nervous.
27:55Yeah, he can get nervous, that's a shame.
27:56So I could just say,
27:57if you're interested in a famous face,
27:59I represent Barry from EastEnders.
28:00Can I get on the phone now?
28:01It won't be a problem.
28:02No, it's too late, isn't it?
28:02It'll be quick.
28:03I've got all these parts taken, isn't it?
28:04What about John O'Cullman?
28:05I thought he was up for it.
28:06Yes, but since he did Celebrity Fit Club,
28:08he's just not fat enough.
28:12I've just got Barry on the phone now,
28:13if you're interested.
28:14No point.
28:14Is there?
28:15No, the vacancy's filled.
28:16Remember, you took 12.5%.
28:17We're going to need bells?
28:17This should have been sorted.
28:18Sorry, Barry.
28:20No one on the list was available, then.
28:21But no, and in the end,
28:22we were running out of time,
28:23and we just get desperate, so.
28:28Oh, oh, oh, oh, it's magic, you know.
28:34Never believe it's not so.
28:38It's magic, you know.
28:43Never believe it's not so.
28:51Fantastic!
28:54Andy.
28:55Hi.
28:55Can I introduce you to this gorgeous creature?
28:57This is Simone.
28:59Hi.
28:59Show me your ring.
29:00Engagement ring.
29:01Cross it on my leg.
29:02Didn't want you seeing her thinking,
29:04oh, who's that stunner old maker mine?
29:05Hands off, she's taken.
29:07Silly.
29:09I'm going to have to get going then, sweetheart.
29:11All right, Sally.
29:12See you later.
29:12Nice to meet you.
29:12See you later.
29:14Bye.
29:16Bye, Sally.
29:21Save for later.
29:27Eh?
29:28We asked a hundred people
29:29which comedian is going to land on his feet
29:31and get his end away with an absolute cracker.
29:32You said Les Dennis.
29:33Our survey said ding.
29:34Top answer, chappy bastard.
29:36Oh, no.
29:38It's dead until our time had a bit of good luck, isn't it?
29:44Stuff that's happened to me
29:45been in the papers.
29:46I don't know.
29:47You do?
29:48Did you watch me on Celebrity Big Brother?
29:50It's good.
29:50Might have been entertaining for you.
29:52I was at my lowest dab.
29:53Shit that was flown around before I went in.
29:56I remember I was sitting there one day thinking,
29:58what's the point, eh?
29:59What is the point?
30:03And I've never really told anybody this before.
30:07I even considered suicide.
30:08Oh.
30:09Yeah.
30:09Actually thinking, I'm going to end it all.
30:11I'm thinking, I'll do it here, live on telly.
30:12That will show up.
30:14And as I was thinking about it,
30:15Melinda Messenger came in.
30:17Lovely girl.
30:18She was chatting away.
30:19Took your mind off it.
30:20Yeah.
30:21I was looking at her tits.
30:23Lovely.
30:24And I was thinking, come on, Les, look at them.
30:26Life is worth living after all.
30:28I mean, I've seen them loads of times, you know,
30:30in the papers and on the telly,
30:31but when you're face to face with them.
30:33Live.
30:33You go, yeah, well done.
30:36Yeah.
30:37That's a lovely story.
30:39Mm.
30:42Hello, Heat Magazine.
30:43Oh, yeah, hi.
30:44Do you deal with the celebrity spotted section?
30:47Can do, yeah.
30:47Why?
30:48Who have you seen?
30:48Well, I just spotted Les Dennis,
30:50the comedian and impressionist and actor Les Dennis.
30:52I just spotted him shopping in New Bond Street.
30:55Don't can afford much around there, can he?
30:57Well, he can, because I just saw him
30:58and he was spending a fucking shitload of cash, all right?
31:01So put that in.
31:02Make sure you put that in.
31:06Hello.
31:07Hiya.
31:07I just wanted to introduce you to my friend Maggie.
31:09Hello, Maggie.
31:10Hello.
31:10Hi.
31:11Nice to meet you.
31:11Nice to meet you, too.
31:13What are you doing with this reprobate?
31:14You two an item?
31:15Oh, Christ, no.
31:16All right.
31:17No, I'm just here visiting him.
31:18It's the first time he's traded the boards.
31:20Oh, well, theatre.
31:22Stories I could tell you.
31:23It's where it all started for me, up and down the country.
31:25Yeah.
31:25Great to be back.
31:27Things have changed a bit, mind.
31:29There was a time when I wouldn't have had to share a dressing room.
31:33Back in the day, I'd have had two dressing rooms if I'd wanted.
31:35One for me, one for all the cards and flowers from all the well wishes.
31:38And the little presents and things they sent me.
31:43Don't need a whole dressing room for those three, do you?
31:49No.
31:55What were you doing?
31:56So you got to...
31:56What?
31:57You got to do something, you said.
31:58Yeah.
31:59I've got to go to the post office.
32:02See you later.
32:03Yeah.
32:04It was really nice to meet you.
32:05Bye.
32:05Nice to see you.
32:06Bye.
32:06Bye.
32:11One and two, three and four, five, six, seven, eight.
32:17One and two, three and four, five, six, seven, eight.
32:22All right.
32:22Stop, stop, stop.
32:23You're missing something.
32:24I'm not getting something.
32:26What is it?
32:26What am I not getting?
32:27What am I looking for?
32:28I know.
32:31Somebody else.
32:32Yes.
32:33A hundred and ten percent?
32:33You should be giving me a hundred and ten percent all of the time,
32:35but that is not what I was thinking of.
32:37What am I looking for?
32:38Okay.
32:39T and T.
32:40Correct.
32:41T and T.
32:42And what is T and T?
32:43Come up here and show them.
32:45T and T.
32:46Tits and teeth.
32:47Yes.
32:48Tits and teeth.
32:49And before any of you have me up in sexism charges,
32:51do not forget this is my daughter.
32:53Back you go.
32:54Right.
32:54One more time with T and T.
32:55I know that, girl.
32:56Five, six, seven, eight.
32:59Hold on.
32:59His daughter?
33:00Well, he's definitely gay.
33:02We can't be gay.
33:03He's got a daughter.
33:04Oscar Wilde was married with two kids.
33:06Well, he couldn't have been gay.
33:08What, Oscar Wilde?
33:10Got to stop hanging around with you.
33:11That's lunch back at two o'clock.
33:14I don't know.
33:15I don't know.
33:16Oh.
33:19Oh, hi.
33:22Maggie.
33:23Do you remember me?
33:24Lizzie Bunton?
33:25Daddy.
33:26We worked on that BBC kids drama together,
33:28The Orphans of Penny Farming Lane.
33:30Brilliant, ma'am.
33:32Daddy.
33:33This is my friend Maggie.
33:34We worked on Orphans together.
33:36Hello.
33:36Nice to meet you.
33:37Ian Bunton.
33:38Everyone calls me Bunny.
33:39Oh.
33:40Already started your lunch, I noticed.
33:42It's a banana.
33:42Food.
33:43Glorious food.
33:45Hot sausage and mustard.
33:47While we're in the mood.
33:50Cold jelly and custard.
33:52No, no, no, no.
33:53Custard.
33:54Custard.
33:54No, come on.
33:56Custard.
33:57Custard.
33:59Custard.
34:00Custard.
34:00No, don't worry about it.
34:01No, come on.
34:03Custard.
34:04Custard.
34:06Custard.
34:06There.
34:07See?
34:07If there's something of us doing,
34:08it's of us doing correctly.
34:10Mustache.
34:11I'll catch up with you later, then.
34:13Yes.
34:13Definitely.
34:14Oh, my boy.
34:15Yeah.
34:16Oh, my boy.
34:17Oh, my boy.
34:17Oh, my boy.
34:17Kiss.
34:18Oh, my boy.
34:19Don't.
34:19Oh.
34:20Where have you been hiding her?
34:22Oh, my God.
34:23Oh, she's really lovely, but she's a wee bit mental.
34:26Of course she's mental.
34:27Her dad's a gay.
34:28He can't be gay.
34:29Oh, ho, ho, ho, smarties.
34:32Yum, yum, yum.
34:46Oh, my boy.
35:00Les.
35:01You all right, mate?
35:02Hi, yeah.
35:02You all right?
35:03Yeah.
35:03Oh.
35:04Have you got any little bag?
35:05Oh, it's a local paper.
35:07Don't want to blow me out, not with my bag,
35:08but there's a little article in here.
35:09Hi, darling, listen to this.
35:11Family Fortune's loser, Les Dennis,
35:13is on the comeback trail thanks to a starring role in Aladdin.
35:16Things are looking up for Les, 50,
35:18who recently announced his engagement
35:19to beautiful fiancée Simone Lewis, 26.
35:22With an age gap of a quarter of a century,
35:24Dennis is clearly punching above his weight again,
35:26but insists they are very much in love.
35:29All right, bye, sonnest.
35:31Do you want to get some lunch, darling?
35:32I can't, sweetheart.
35:32I promised I'd meet a friend.
35:34Oh, do you want some money?
35:35Yes, please.
35:3650, okay?
35:37Yeah.
35:37A bit much for lunch, innit?
35:39Bye.
35:39Bye.
35:41Hello, and again?
35:43Yeah.
35:43Do you want to get some lunch?
35:45I can't.
35:45I've already eaten.
35:46Yeah?
35:47But I'll come for a coffee with you.
35:50Yeah.
35:50Yeah?
35:51Yeah.
35:51Of course I will.
35:52That's what you want.
35:53Yeah.
35:54Thanks.
35:57Oh, come on, what should we have?
36:02Maggie?
36:02Oh, hello.
36:03What are you?
36:05I've got uncharifying all your hair for you.
36:06It's like I've been amazing.
36:07This is my dressing room.
36:09Oh, I feel it.
36:10I share this with the other girls in the chorus.
36:12Where are they?
36:13Oh, I think they've been going to lunch.
36:15Sometimes they forget to invite me.
36:18Right.
36:19Oh, what are you doing on Sunday?
36:22What, this Sunday?
36:23I'll tell you what you're doing.
36:23You're coming to my party.
36:24My sister won't be.
36:25It's going to be my birthday on Sunday.
36:27I'm having a party.
36:28I'm going to be 29.
36:30It's very important.
36:31And I'm just inviting my very best friends, like you.
36:33Yeah.
36:34It's going to be brilliant.
36:36Oh, my parties are always great.
36:38Yeah.
36:38Please come.
36:40There'll be entertainment there and everything.
36:42Oh, well.
36:42Please, please.
36:43Oh, I'm just thinking.
36:44Oh, me.
36:45I must do fine.
36:46Oh, me.
36:47Oh, me then.
36:47Oh, brilliant.
36:49Let me just check with Daddy that that's okay.
36:51Yeah, you better.
36:55Do not come in.
36:56Daddy, it's Lizzie.
36:58I won't be a minute.
36:59Do not come in.
37:01I'm just finishing up a meeting.
37:14Okay.
37:14We've finished.
37:15This is an old friend.
37:16Bye, Paul.
37:18An old friend.
37:20Daddy, can Maggie come to my party, please?
37:22Of course, dear, of course.
37:23The little bastards pinched my watch.
37:26Nick, your what?
37:27It's fine.
37:28Do not call the police.
37:30And don't tell your mother.
37:32She'll only worry.
37:34That happened before, didn't it?
37:36With your mobile phone.
37:37No, crime rates through the roof.
37:39Yeah.
37:39Mm-hmm.
37:40Mm-hmm.
37:59You all right?
38:00Yeah.
38:01You're all right?
38:02Turn that frown upside down.
38:04What's the matter with you?
38:05Nothing.
38:06Everything okay?
38:07You're a bit down.
38:07No, I'm fine.
38:08If you're worried about the audiences, don't be.
38:10They're always a bit thin early on in the run, but they'll pick up as we get towards Christmas.
38:13We'll get the press in tonight.
38:14They'll rave about it.
38:15You know it's a good show.
38:16Oh, it is, yeah.
38:18Can I ask your opinion on something?
38:19Yeah.
38:21What do you make of Simone?
38:22She's fine.
38:22Beautiful girl, isn't she?
38:23Yep.
38:23Lovely girl.
38:24I'm very lucky.
38:25You are.
38:25Mm-hmm.
38:26When is the wedding?
38:28I think in June, July.
38:29Oh, summer wedding.
38:30That'd be good if it wouldn't happen.
38:33Congratulations again.
38:34Oh, cheers, mate.
38:35Cheers.
38:38I can't marry her.
38:40Why?
38:40What have you heard?
38:42Nothing, what do you mean?
38:42No, what did you say?
38:44Oh, it's just that I've been doing a bit of thinking.
38:46I just don't think I can marry her.
38:47It's not fair.
38:48I mean, don't get me wrong.
38:50Funny little switch.
38:51Nothing wrong physically.
38:52I'm sure.
38:52The sex is extraordinary.
38:54Some of the stuff she dreams up.
38:55What is that for?
38:57She likes to video us.
38:59And we watch it back together.
39:00And sometimes, I can't believe it's my arse going down.
39:04I'm getting excited just thinking about it.
39:06Well, think about something else, then.
39:08Little break of heart, but now I'm back on the up and up.
39:11This in the papers is just the beginning.
39:12I know.
39:13I'll be in the full glare of the media's got light again.
39:15I can't put her through that.
39:16She's young.
39:17Yeah.
39:17Yeah, she can't take that pressure.
39:18Definitely not.
39:19I mean, who knows what this will lead to?
39:20More TV.
39:22Maybe even Hollywood.
39:23I would.
39:24I just think I'm better off letting her go now before she falls in love with me any deeper.
39:28I think you're making the right decision.
39:29And I'm so glad you said this, because it's a weight off my mind.
39:32I saw her getting off with the stage hand.
39:34Is she the...
39:34And that's who she's with now.
39:35Huh?
39:36Well, I wasn't going to say anything, but you...
39:37Oh, I wish I hadn't.
39:38But you weren't going to...
39:40You were going to finish it anyway, and I'd...
39:46I'm not upset, are you?
39:50The house is open, gentlemen.
39:54Sorry.
39:56Les, cover it up, mate.
39:58Yeah.
40:02Shut the door.
40:08Look, Wishy.
40:09What's this?
40:10It looks like the magic lamp.
40:12What do you think I should do?
40:13Just leave it here.
40:15What do you think, gang?
40:17Should I just leave it here, or should I give it a rub?
40:21What?
40:22Can't hear you.
40:23Rub it.
40:24Rub it?
40:25Yes.
40:26Okay, if you say so, I'll rub it.
40:28Here goes.
40:35Blimey, what a big puff.
40:37Cheeky.
40:42Who are you?
40:43Well, I'll be anyone you want me to be, but you can call me Genie.
40:49How does somebody as big as you fit into this tiny lamp?
40:52Don't worry about it.
40:53I'm used to squeeze myself into tight holes.
40:56Oh, no pain, no gain.
40:59Can you help us?
41:00We're in danger.
41:01The evil Abanaza is after us.
41:03What makes you think that?
41:04We heard him say he wants to get Aladdin.
41:06Don't we all?
41:20Abanaza has a glorious ring.
41:23Another line.
41:25What's the point, though, eh?
41:26They don't care.
41:28Look at them.
41:29You lot enjoying yourselves?
41:31Yeah.
41:33Yeah, well, tell your faces.
41:35And maybe some of your friends as well.
41:37Get them along.
41:38The empty seats aren't laughing much, are they?
41:41Get on with it.
41:42You bloody get on with it, ignorant.
41:46How many of you are thinking of leaving at half time?
41:54Even less people here then, wouldn't it?
41:56Even more embarrassing for those that have stayed.
42:05Where do you want to go from?
42:06How about 1992?
42:10Not where do you want to go from in the script.
42:12I don't know.
42:14Just do some more of the queer shit.
42:15Let's just get through it, shall we?
42:17Oh, I've been in that lamp so long,
42:20I'm bent out of all recognition.
42:37Everyone, this is Maggie.
42:41Hello, Maggie.
42:47And, you know, Dad, that's Maureen
42:50and John and Barbara and Glenn
42:52and that's Nana.
42:56We're just waiting for Frank and Jean.
42:58I said they'd be by eight.
43:00What time is it, dear?
43:02Ah, about eight.
43:04Irene, fetch the glade.
43:06Nana's let off again.
43:07Why don't you sit next to Nana?
43:15Hello, dear.
43:16Hi.
43:23There you go.
43:24Thanks.
43:26Nan, thanks for doing this tonight
43:27on your own your night off.
43:28It's not a chore.
43:29I'm scared to be alone tonight.
43:31A bit worried about what I might do on my own.
43:33Are you not alone?
43:34No.
43:36We asked a hundred people,
43:37will Les Dennis ever hang on to a bird?
43:39Our survey said...
43:40We asked a hundred people,
43:41do you want to go out tonight
43:42and watch Les Dennis in panto
43:43whilst our survey said...
43:46Why don't people want to come out
43:47and see Les Dennis?
43:48They do.
43:48Why don't twice as many?
43:50Oh, because you're competing
43:50with a lot these days, aren't you?
43:53Internet, DVDs.
43:53Where did it all go wrong, eh?
43:58Can I ask you something?
43:59Yeah.
44:00You're a comedian, right?
44:02Yeah.
44:03I haven't seen you make a joke
44:05for five years.
44:06What do you mean?
44:07When you're on telly and stuff.
44:08When you're on chat shows
44:09or in Big Brother.
44:10You're talking to the chickens
44:11but you're moaning about stuff.
44:12That's the way they cut it.
44:13There you go, moaning about stuff.
44:15Make a joke about it.
44:16Make a joke.
44:18What was that impression you used to do?
44:20Impressions.
44:20I did loads.
44:21What was it?
44:22Mavis Reilly Coronation Street.
44:23Do that.
44:24No, I'm not doing that.
44:25Do it.
44:26No.
44:26Go on.
44:27I don't really know.
44:29That's great.
44:30Yeah, I know.
44:31It is good, yeah.
44:32You need another one.
44:33She hasn't been on telly for 15 years.
44:34But yeah, good.
44:36Correct me if I'm wrong
44:38but I'm famous for more than
44:39a Mavis Reilly impression
44:40and Family Fortuans.
44:43I am famous for other things, aren't I?
44:46Les Dennis Laugh to Show.
44:48Russ Abbott's My House.
44:49You mean that?
44:50Yeah.
44:50Well then, if you...
44:51Sure, you don't remember.
44:52Nobody remembers.
44:54That's why I'm in a shitty little panto.
44:55We're the only people laughing
44:56with that bunch of gays.
44:57There's no more gays.
44:58Yeah, I know.
44:59But they'll laugh at anything.
45:00No victory in making
45:01a bunch of gay fellas laugh.
45:02They'll laugh at anything.
45:03Look at that Graham Norton.
45:04He's alright, isn't he?
45:05Is he?
45:05Is this funny, is it?
45:07Ooh, look at this website
45:08about cocks and fannies.
45:10Ooh, Jackie Collins.
45:12What lovely tits.
45:13Do you like a cock up your ass?
45:14Ooh, is that funny?
45:15It's quite funny when you do it
45:17but keep it down a little bit
45:17because you're in a pub.
45:18What is that?
45:19I want to do something more highbrow.
45:20Oscar Wilde or something.
45:21Yeah, definitely.
45:22He was gay.
45:23I know, but not in the same way.
45:24He was clever.
45:25Would this have been funny?
45:26Him going through customs.
45:28Clare, but my genius.
45:29Ooh, and this vibrating tongue
45:32for pleasuring fannies.
45:33Ooh, is that funny?
45:34Again, it's quite funny when you do it
45:36but it's Sunday.
45:37Can you keep the fannies
45:37down to a minimum?
45:41Why can't I just stay in this?
45:43Because that is not the costume
45:44we said you'd wear.
45:45Olivia Newton-John
45:46wouldn't be seen dead in that.
45:48Look, just do it as you're told,
45:50will you?
46:01I'm changing, I'm changing.
46:03It's me, it's Maggie.
46:05Hi, Molly.
46:07Your mum said I had to come up
46:08and have a look at all your awards
46:09and cups and...
46:11Oh, look at that.
46:12It's gymnastics there.
46:14Oh, second, second.
46:15First.
46:16That one, yeah.
46:18Well, it's photographs of your dad there
46:21doing his...
46:22whatever he's doing.
46:25I don't see any photographs
46:25of you with your friends.
46:26Have you got any friends
46:27your own age?
46:28Yeah, you.
46:28You're my best friend.
46:30Apart from me.
46:31Well, all the friends downstairs,
46:32they're all friends.
46:33They're all old friends.
46:34They are old friends.
46:35It looks like they cast
46:35the last of the summer wine
46:36down there.
46:37Dad said when I'm famous
46:38that I'll have all the friends
46:40I'll need.
46:40He said I'd have too many friends.
46:43Do you enjoy all this, though?
46:45I mean, really, like,
46:45all this dressing up
46:47and performing and...
46:48Yeah, I love it.
46:49Do you, though?
46:50I mean, is this what you want to do
46:51or is it what your dad wants?
46:52Dad knows what's good for me
46:54because what I've been doing
46:55this since I was two
46:56is in my blood.
46:57I know, but it wasn't your ambition
46:58when you were two, was it?
46:59I mean, oh, I don't know.
47:01I think you seem to be missing
47:02out on all of this stuff.
47:03Just, I think he's suffocating you
47:05a bit.
47:06You're making me sad, isn't it?
47:07It's my birthday.
47:10Sorry.
47:13No.
47:15I'm both of them.
47:16I'm sure.
47:20Anything you can do
47:22I can do better
47:23I can do anything better than you
47:26No, you can't
47:27Yes, I can
47:27No, you can't
47:28Yes, I can
47:29Yes, I can
47:30Yes, I can
47:32Wella, wella, wella
47:34Tell me more, tell me more
47:36Was it love at first sight?
47:38Tell me more, tell me more
47:39Did she put up a fight?
47:41Aha, aha, aha, aha, aha, aha, aha, aha, aha, aha
47:48Well, you gotta speed it up
47:51And then you gotta slow it down
47:53Cause if you believe that a love can hit the top
47:56You gotta play around
47:58And soon you will find that there comes a time
48:01For making your mind up
48:03For making your mind up
48:06For making your mind up
48:09For making your mind up
48:20Sorry, Dad
48:21Don't apologise to me
48:22Apologise to the audience who thought that you ruined it
48:25That was bad
48:26And it was bad because we did not do enough rehearsal
48:28I was getting ready for my birthday
48:30We were all getting ready for your birthday
48:31But some of us found time to practice
48:33And some of us didn't
48:34Because you were too busy wearing a stupid bloody dress
48:36And now you have let down your public
48:39What is the golden rule?
48:40Never let down your public
48:41Never let down your public
48:43Well, you have let them down
48:44And you've let me down
48:45And you've let yourself down
48:47Enjoy the rest of the day
48:48Maybe next time
48:49Listen to your silly old daddy
48:50Maggie was right
48:52Why?
48:53What did Maggie say?
48:54This is weird
48:55I didn't say weird
48:56You should have friends my own age
48:58Like she said
48:59You do look like the cast of the last of the summer
49:01Why?
49:02I'm pretty sure
49:02I want to start living my own life
49:05Do you know what I want to do in life?
49:07No
49:07Because you never ask me
49:17Well, well, well
49:19It seems quite a poisonous element has entered our little home
49:22Quite a nasty little piece of work
49:24Can I just say
49:25I think you should go
49:26You have done quite enough damage
49:27Oh my God
49:29This is tough
49:30This is silly
49:31It's his house
49:31If he wants you to leave
49:32You should leave
49:41Hi
49:42Nana
49:43Yeah
49:44Hi everybody
49:46Oh, I'm
49:47Just going to say
49:48Do you mind if I take a couple of sandwiches for the train?
49:50I haven't eaten since four o'clock
49:51And I've got no food in the house
49:53I didn't think I was going to get chucked out of the party
49:55You should have thought of that
49:56Before you fucked up my daughter's life
49:58Good night
49:58Okay
50:04When the laughter stops
50:05When the audience departs
50:07When the make-up has been removed
50:09What is left of the clown?
50:12Nothing but an empty costume
50:13I should have listened to that
50:18Do you know who said that?
50:19Jean Poussaint
50:20Bobby Davro
50:22Davros took me aside
50:23He said
50:23Beware Les
50:24You won't always be riding high
50:26But I wasn't even listening
50:28I was too busy telling him
50:30Some of the funny answers we get on family fortunes
50:32Have I ever told you anything?
50:34Like
50:34I said to this woman
50:35Name something red
50:37She said my cardigan
50:38How could that have been up there?
50:39I mean
50:39We survey a hundred people
50:40Haven't they known you?
50:42Name a domestic pet
50:43This fella said leopard
50:45Domestic is it?
50:46No
50:46No way
50:49What about her?
50:51No
50:51I'm not interested in birds anymore
50:53They just bleed you dry
50:54And then they're off out the door
50:55Bye bye
50:56She's been looking at you all night
50:59She's pissed up
51:01She's a pissed up slapper
51:03I'm not about to have a one night stand
51:05With a pissed up slapper
51:06Just to make myself feel a bit better
51:07I've still got some dignity
51:23Would you rather have a bionic arm or a bionic leg?
51:27Good question
51:28Um
51:29Bionic leg
51:30So I could hop to work
51:31So would I
51:32I'd have a bionic leg
51:33But it'd be for kicking
51:36Actually
51:36I'll tell you what
51:37A bionic arm would come in useful some nights
51:39How do you mean?
51:41Doesn't matter
51:42I'm starving
51:43Have you eaten anything?
51:45No
51:46Will I come over and cook you something?
51:48It's half eleven
51:50And you can't cook
51:51Fair point
51:54Well I'll see you tomorrow then
51:55Yep
51:56Bye
51:57Bye
52:09Is that good?
52:11Is that good?
52:13I don't really know
52:15What?
52:17If it's up there
52:19I'll give you the money myself
52:21Get off me
52:22Bye