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00:00It seemed like everything was happening in slow motion.
00:02I'd plenty of time to ask the questions.
00:04You looked the most relaxed I've ever seen you on.
00:05Yeah, yeah.
00:06Yeah, and did you see it when he...
00:08Ollie, Ollie, did you see it when I said your thing about,
00:10in the opposition's case,
00:11home is where the heartlessness is?
00:13He looked almost hurt. I loved it.
00:15He didn't even get it.
00:16Oh, no, he got it.
00:17He flinched. He was hating it.
00:18He was fiddling with his catheter.
00:19That's right, yeah.
00:20It was a very, very satisfactory report stage debate.
00:23Yeah, only three amendments were committed.
00:25How many did Doug's piece of shit get at the report?
00:27Oh, God, at least 200 or something.
00:29Yeah, then he got fist-fucked in the Lords.
00:31It was more amendment than Bill at the end.
00:32Did you say we were going to do a press release?
00:33Yes.
00:34Following a successful report stage debate,
00:37Secretary of State for Social Affairs, Hugh Abbott,
00:40today announced,
00:41I'm the fucking daddy.
00:44There was a smarmy piece in The Guardian, though.
00:47Did you see it?
00:48Dan fucking Miller.
00:49Oh, all the work I've done on the Standing Committee.
00:51Yeah, it's fine.
00:53My pie is extremely large, you may have noticed.
00:56Pie for all my friends.
00:57Yeah, my jacuzzi is king-sized,
00:59and everybody can hog the asses on the bubble jets.
01:04Is that from something?
01:05Dan Miller is a junior minister,
01:07and he's not done at all badly.
01:08He's just a bit green.
01:10Now...
01:10You're turning a bit green yourself there, minister.
01:14What are you saying?
01:14What are you saying?
01:15Are you saying I'm jealous of Dan Miller?
01:16No, it's just a little bit.
01:18You know the invisible line?
01:20You just stepped over it.
01:21Yeah, that's the problem with it being invisible, I guess.
01:25I have just been invited to a...
01:29Just a moment.
01:29Danny Boy!
01:31Oh, lovely.
01:31Man of the hour.
01:32Just been invited to...
01:34That is gorgeous.
01:34Shake your little hand.
01:36Lovely to see you.
01:38Well done.
01:39You did so bloody well.
01:40Thanks very much.
01:41You're looking well.
01:42Fantastic.
01:42Could you do a GMTV for me tomorrow?
01:45I would love to do a GMTV for you tomorrow.
01:47Great.
01:47Thank you very much.
01:48Nice and early.
01:49Great.
01:49No, no, I don't mind.
01:50I don't know.
01:50Thanks so much.
01:52Fantastic.
01:53Well, the debate did do very, very well,
01:54and the bill's going through, so...
01:57Um, I've got some stuff I need to be...
01:58Oh, yeah, no, no, fine.
01:59I'm going to carry on.
02:00I shouldn't have been invited.
02:01How are you, Glenn?
02:02I'm good, thank you.
02:03Actually, I just thought you were very heavy-handed
02:05with the backbenchers.
02:06No need for it in this day and age.
02:07Listen, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn.
02:08I mean, you know as well as I do
02:10if you're going to make an omelette,
02:11you're going to have to have some frank and honest discussion
02:13with the eggs.
02:15And that's all I was doing.
02:19Hello, Malcolm.
02:20Dad, how you doing?
02:22How are you, you terrier?
02:23Listen, I'm just calling because, uh...
02:25You're gathering yourself a lot of very influential admirers.
02:28Oh, am I really?
02:29You're irresistible, you know that, don't you?
02:32You are.
02:32I have a sort of feeling that you're pulling my pisser.
02:35Oh, no, I wouldn't pull your pisser, pal.
02:37I know what it's fucking been.
02:39Oh, hang on, listen, I've got to go.
02:41I've got Tom on the line at the moment.
02:42Okay, but we'll talk soon.
02:44Okay, thanks for the DVDs, by the way.
02:46Oh, hey, listen, Malcolm, before you go, can you...
02:49Did you get bumped for someone more important?
02:52He's always doing that.
02:53Listen, I've got to go.
02:53I've got a squash game book with Pete from the Treasury.
02:55Oh, Pete from the Treasury?
02:58Well, you've probably heard.
02:58He cut us a fair bit of slack,
03:00so I'll film a game just to smooth things over.
03:01Well, good luck.
03:02I've got an appointment myself anyway.
03:04Oh, great, cool.
03:04Yes, it's supper with the Prime Minister,
03:06just the two of us.
03:08It should be fun.
03:09Oh, that's very impressive.
03:11No, it isn't.
03:11It's just what we do.
03:13It's normal.
03:15Well, enjoy that anyway, so...
03:17Can I phone me back GMTV if I'm related?
03:19Yes, see you, Dan.
03:20Well done, Dan.
03:21Thank you, thank you.
03:23Well done, you.
03:23Well done, everyone.
03:24Bye-bye.
03:24See you later.
03:25Fantastic.
03:26I'm not complacent, Tom.
03:28Yeah, I know.
03:29We did take a hit over the focus group thing,
03:32but it wasn't a big hit.
03:34Oh, yeah, says who?
03:36Oh, the Prime Minister told you that, huh?
03:38I'll get you.
03:40Look, I can only cook with what I've been given.
03:43You know, it's like ready, steady cook.
03:44You give me Hugh Abbott,
03:46I'll give you bangers and mash.
03:47But if you give me Jerry from the Home Office,
03:50well, then I can raise it to fucking risotto and scallops.
03:52Do you know what I mean?
03:54Yeah, yeah, yeah.
03:55Okay, okay, okay, bye.
03:59Sam, can you get me Terry Coverley, Glenn Cullen?
04:03Make them an appointment to come over.
04:05I think I've got to shout at some people, yeah?
04:08Oh, actually, get me John at Culture on the phone.
04:11I think I'll have a bit of a shout now.
04:15Is this tie all right?
04:16It's fine.
04:18I don't want to come across as some sort of...
04:19Sales rep.
04:20What, do I look like a bloody sales rep?
04:22No, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's fine.
04:26What are those?
04:27They're little hippos, aren't they?
04:29I don't know what they are, I still think.
04:30They're just unidentified amusing creatures.
04:34I hate this.
04:35I've been called in for bollocking from Tucker
04:37just because he's been twatted by the PM.
04:39All you'll do is spread it all over the office a bit
04:42and then we'll be off.
04:43Yes, exactly, and we've got every reason to be very happy bunnies.
04:45Day three of the report stage,
04:47it's all gone like a dream.
04:48Yeah.
04:49A good dream.
04:49I mean, you know, not one of those ones
04:50where you can't move your legs.
04:52Absolutely, no.
04:53Are you sure about the tie?
04:55It's good, it's funny.
04:57Funny?
04:59Fucking hell, this is political breakthrough night.
05:01I don't want to get big laughs off my clothes.
05:03It's not funny, I'm not.
05:03Maybe I should go without the tie.
05:04Not a laugh, you're fine.
05:06I've got this quite informal.
05:07Fuck yes, wish me luck.
05:08I'm going to go without the tie.
05:11Right, I'm going to go down there.
05:12I meant to ask you, did you stay in the flat last night?
05:15Yeah, for about a minute and a half.
05:16Hate rang and Alicia had an ear infection.
05:19It's obviously a life and death situation.
05:21An infected ear, huge crisis,
05:22hold the front page, shuffle disaster.
05:24So I had to drive 20 miles through the night
05:27so that I could be 10 feet away from Alicia's ear.
05:30But it turns out I wasn't infected anyway.
05:31Oh, and Mark has been on at me about in the flat.
05:35So he thinks there could be some problems with the housing bill.
05:37What, what, with you having a flat in Notting Hill
05:39and living within commuting distance?
05:41It is empty quite a lot of the time
05:42and with the key worker stuff that's in that bill.
05:44But I mean, I need, I need to have a place in London.
05:47Everybody else in Portman's got a huge fuck-off grace
05:50and a favour, Pat.
05:51Not one.
05:52I've got one.
05:53I think I can sort this out for you if you leave it to me.
05:55You know, we do what we said, yes?
05:57The sale, but not a sale.
05:58Yeah, right, yeah, right, whatever.
05:59Yeah, yeah.
06:00Well, I'll see you later then.
06:02We're off this way.
06:02Okay.
06:03Enjoy supper.
06:04Enjoy your bollocking.
06:10Good evening, Minister.
06:11If you'd like to step this way.
06:14Excuses, excuses.
06:15Take your fate in like a man, Ollie.
06:17Yeah, all right.
06:18The next time I want a rematch,
06:19I'm going to take you down, motherfucker.
06:22I'm going to take you down.
06:22Where are you from?
06:23I'm from Lancashire.
06:24We've ordered windmills and the potatoes and the shit.
06:27Are they, um, an item?
06:28You need me to suck up to you.
06:30You're a politician.
06:31He's made a pretty good job of, um,
06:33he's made a pretty good job of shagging Angela Heaney.
06:35He'll be buying.
06:36A lot of them are, you know.
06:38No.
06:39It's just interesting, uh,
06:40seeing the dynamics play within the,
06:42within the staff.
06:44There they are.
06:44Look, there they are.
06:46He's seen, he's seen this.
06:47Are they seen?
06:47Yeah.
06:47I'm going to go,
06:48I'm going to go back into the office.
06:49I think the nurse is ducking.
06:50You.
06:51He's actually ducked.
06:53So what time does this, uh,
06:54Daily Mail hack get here?
06:55Ten minutes.
06:56It's Angela Heaney.
06:57Didn't I tell you?
06:57So she left the standard?
06:58That's right.
06:59That's absolutely.
07:00Go on then.
07:00Ask me some questions.
07:01Right, okay.
07:02I'll be Angela Heaney and I'll ask you some questions.
07:04God, that's uncanny.
07:05Mind you, your, your tits are a bit bigger than hers.
07:08Is it true that although this housing bill went through Parliament with incredible ease...
07:12Actually, can you just do it yourself?
07:15So it's just slightly unsettling.
07:17Right.
07:18Um, that you'll find a lot of difficulty in the real world.
07:22On the contrary, this bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large number of
07:27people.
07:28Ordinary people, but ordinary people who deserve a little bit of the extraordinary in their lives.
07:33Perfect.
07:34That's brilliant.
07:35That's brilliant.
07:35It's wonderful.
07:36There you are, you see.
07:37Go on, ask me something hard.
07:38Where's the Nazi gold, you donkey shagger?
07:41I'm very pleased you asked me that, Angela, because let me just say right away that this bill is going
07:44to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large...
07:47Oh, hello.
07:49Oh, you've showered off, have you?
07:50Good morning.
07:51Showered off, yes.
07:52Yes, thanks, Clem.
07:53We've showered off.
07:54You've been, er, playing...
07:55Early morning game of squash.
07:56Oh, very good, yes.
07:57I love...
07:58Squash is a fabulous game.
07:59It should play well, though there's a lot of luck.
08:00I used to.
08:01I don't tell anyone.
08:01It's just a place to play.
08:02What, club level?
08:03Yeah.
08:04We on a ladder?
08:07No.
08:09Anyway, time for us to go and meet Angela now.
08:12Bye, guys.
08:13Thanks very much.
08:13She doesn't bounce me off the walls.
08:15Anyway, great to, you know, talk to you guys.
08:18Did you know Angela was in the building?
08:20Er, yes.
08:21Will she be jealous?
08:24Hi, Tom.
08:25What can I do for you?
08:26Well, I didn't know what he was doing with his flat.
08:28I told him that fucking flat.
08:31But they're not running with this.
08:33No, well, I know he's got an interview now with that Angela Heaney, you know, the twat bubble from the
08:38standard.
08:39Fuck, she's just gone to the mail.
08:42Come on to her.
08:45I wish you'd ask me a bit more about the bill because it is an extraordinary triumph.
08:51I am asking you about the bill.
08:52Good.
08:53Specifically about the empty house management orders.
08:57How do they square with the fact that you yourself have a second property lying empty that you won't sell?
09:02It's not technically empty.
09:03In fact, I would have been staying there myself quite recently except my daughter was very seriously ill.
09:07I've spoken to an Asian...
09:08She's only seven.
09:11I've spoken to an Asian family who say they've put in four separate offers on your flat, had them all
09:17rejected with no explanation.
09:18Right, okay.
09:21Get away!
09:22Is it because they're Asian?
09:23No.
09:24God, no.
09:26Where the fuck is he?
09:27He's in the goldfish bowl.
09:28Fuck.
09:28No, no.
09:29Look, I'm very glad you brought that up because that gives me the opportunity to...
09:35Sorry.
09:36Hi.
09:38It's mucking about.
09:40I have always maintained very clearly...
09:44Sorry, can I just borrow them and stuff for a moment?
09:46Sure.
09:47Sorry.
09:47Be right back.
09:48Right with you.
10:04Angela, can I get you a fresh cup of coffee or...
10:08Um, would you like some tea?
10:11Okay.
10:11Thanks.
10:12No biscuits or anything?
10:13Do let me know if you need any of us, Angela.
10:16Thanks.
10:16Thanks.
10:17Get back in there!
10:18You want to...
10:19Oh, get up!
10:24Ah.
10:28Bit of a disagreement.
10:30Blimey.
10:31Yeah.
10:31Um, could you...
10:32I'm just curious.
10:33Could you hear, um...
10:35Because we were actually...
10:36We can be quite brutal to each other because we're actually very, very good friends.
10:40Right.
10:41Right.
10:41You haven't been accepting any offers?
10:43No!
10:43Jesus!
10:44Well, that wasn't the point.
10:45The whole deal was we put the flat on the market, so if the press are asking us, we'd say,
10:49fuck off, he's selling it.
10:50I'll go away.
10:50And then, you know, he's got a place in town.
10:52What the fuck is your girlfriend doing hitting us with this, huh?
10:54Well, she's not my girlfriend, Malcolm.
10:56Oh, you won't mind if I kill her then, will you?
10:58It's all of a lot of issues for me, to be honest with you.
11:00Hey, hey, hey, hey!
11:01If you could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into dropping us, she'd be sweet to me.
11:04If you could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into anything, I would have had a more comfortable
11:08full-on...
11:09Yeah, well, I'll just have to kill the both of you then, won't I?
11:11Yeah, well...
11:11That's a joke, by the way.
11:12Not a very nice one, a nasty one, which masks a lot of very negative feelings about this
11:16fucking department.
11:18Oh, jeez.
11:19Tom Davies.
11:20Tom, hello, how are you?
11:21Yes.
11:22No, no, no, he was already there when I got there.
11:24He was talking to her.
11:25What's happening?
11:26What's...
11:26How was that?
11:27What is happening?
11:28That was supposed to be a nice interview.
11:30What on earth did you say to her?
11:31I think I denied being a racist.
11:33God, I hope so.
11:34You didn't say that you have lots of black friends.
11:36You didn't go...
11:36Of course not.
11:37Well, I haven't.
11:38I haven't got any.
11:38What did you say about the offers?
11:40I said I wasn't...
11:41I wasn't aware...
11:42Someone else was handling the sale and I wasn't aware of any offers.
11:45Hugh.
11:45Hmm?
11:46Did you mention me by name?
11:48Um, possibly.
11:49No, I don't think...
11:50Well, I may, in between denying racism, possibly have...
11:54Yes.
11:55Thank you very much.
11:56Thanks a fucking bunch!
11:58Okay, so what's the line on this then?
12:01I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.
12:03What is, why, what is the line on this?
12:04I don't know, don't look at me.
12:06We need to have a line on this.
12:07Okay, we've got a break.
12:09What?
12:09What?
12:09What?
12:10The flat's sold.
12:12What?
12:12To the Asian family.
12:14What?
12:14For 40 grand below the asking price.
12:16That's all right.
12:17Jesus.
12:17What is happening?
12:18Malcolm.
12:18Yeah?
12:18We're too late.
12:19What?
12:19All the papers have got hold of it.
12:21What?
12:21The Express has been making offers on it, at the asking price, and also £30 more.
12:25Jesus.
12:25It hasn't been accepted.
12:26We've got a stall.
12:28Wait, this is madness.
12:29I just own a flat.
12:30I haven't raped somebody.
12:31Yeah, they're calling the scandal, Flatgate.
12:34Flatgate?
12:34Well, that's crap.
12:36I mean, it's a crap name for a scandal.
12:37They should call it, Notting Hillgate, Gate.
12:39Can we at least stop calling it a scandal?
12:42Are you joking?
12:43Are you joking now?
12:44Well, we're to stall.
12:45Yeah, get stalling.
12:48Maybe we could just blame it all on Terry.
12:51That is an option, isn't it?
12:54It's a flat.
12:55It is a second home in a bar with thousands of homeless people that you have kept more or
13:01less empty for ages.
13:01Have you not raised your own housing?
13:03Oh, for God's sake.
13:04It wasn't.
13:04I only kept it empty for a little while to see my bloody family.
13:07Obviously, on reflection, I should have filled it with prostitutes and rent boys and crack
13:12cocaine pimp tattoo freaks.
13:14That's to Dan Miller, and he's like, the housing bill is a success.
13:18But this is burying the whole thing.
13:20But what do you want me to do?
13:21Resign?
13:23No, no.
13:24No, no.
13:24That is, I'm not going over this.
13:26The way out of this situation is for you to...
13:27This is madness, Malcolm.
13:28This desire for perfection that I am not perfect.
13:31I am just a person, right?
13:33I need to sleep.
13:34I need to eat.
13:36Occasionally, I need to take a dump.
13:37So, I mean, what's next?
13:38I mean, do we put that on the evening news, on the front page?
13:41A huge minister in disgusting defecation outburst.
13:44Molly's talking to them at number 10.
13:45Did you enjoy your shit, Mr Abbott?
13:47They should just clone ministers, you know, so we're born at 55 with no past and no flats
13:52and no genitals.
13:53Just a world of robots in a sort of...
13:56It's like a futuristic film.
13:57And you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you?
13:58You'd be in your little space station, surrounded by obedient androids, like that fucking brushed
14:04aluminium Dan Miller cyber prick.
14:07It is possible to have a good resignation, you know?
14:10A good resignation?
14:12Oh, I'm looking forward to how you're going to sell this to me.
14:15Look, people really like it when you go just a bit early.
14:18You're all steely-jawed.
14:19Far away, look in your eyes.
14:20Before they're getting to the point where they're sitting around in the pub saying,
14:22oh, that fucker's got to go, you surprise them.
14:25Blimey, he's gone.
14:26I didn't expect that, resigned, you don't see that much anymore.
14:29Old school, respect, I rather like the guy.
14:31He was hounded out by the fucking press.
14:33How about that, huh?
14:35What a way to go, yeah?
14:39It's probably going to be, it's going to be you that has to go this time.
14:43Yeah.
14:47Yeah, no, it is, it's very sad.
14:50Very sad.
14:52Okay, Tom, yeah, yes indeed.
14:53Yes, indeed, two minutes, two minutes.
14:57That's Tom, he's finishing up with the Prime Minister now.
14:59Okay.
14:59I'm just going to go and join him.
15:00Yep.
15:01You might as well stay here.
15:02Yeah.
15:03Try and make it quick.
15:04You sure it wouldn't help if I step in with you?
15:06No, no, no, I mean, we're going to be talking about you.
15:08Yeah.
15:09Be awkward, wouldn't it?
15:10Yeah, of course.
15:10Very awkward.
15:11Yeah, yeah.
15:11You just relax.
15:14Help yourself to a paper or something.
15:17But it'll be fine in the end.
15:18I mean, we'll just get another doomed middle-aged man in on Monday morning, come through the door,
15:24stride about a bit, spunk off, and I'll have to mop up the mess.
15:27It'll be business as usual.
15:53The whole heat could come out of this situation if I went.
15:57It's not come to any kind of resignation yet, surely.
16:00Do you know what pisses me off?
16:01After 37 years, without a moment's thought, he's prepared to drop me right in it.
16:06He just panicked, didn't he?
16:08No, if anyone's going to resign, I should go.
16:09No, no, it's decent of me, but I'll go.
16:11You should stay, you know.
16:12Any fucker can sit at the end of a corridor behind a pot plank, can't they?
16:16But you're the man who stands behind his desk making sure the pen worked.
16:19So maybe you should go.
16:20Yeah.
16:22Hang on.
16:23Yeah, you've convinced me.
16:24I think it would be better.
16:26No, no, I'm just saying, I'm just saying in the scheme of things, I'm not saying I should go, I'm
16:29just...
16:29I thought you just said you should go.
16:30No, no, no, I'm talking academic, I'm talking academically.
16:33That wasn't academic talk, Holly.
16:34It absolutely was academic.
16:35It wasn't academic.
16:36That was real, virtual talk.
16:38That was talking talk.
16:39Well, I'm having an academic discussion.
16:40Well, you're not having it with me.
16:41I'm having a real discussion with you.
16:42Well, we can reset for a real discussion if you want.
16:44Hold on.
16:45Here and now, and I'll take the, I'll put the letter on Hugh's desk.
16:47Well, I could very easily say the same to you.
16:49I could, I could...
16:50Well, I'm not doing that.
16:51Well, why not?
16:51Why the fuck not?
16:52Who's my friend?
16:53I'm not doing that for him.
16:54I'm going to stay and stand behind him.
16:55You know, I'm just the counterman of McDonald's.
16:57I'm that important, frankly.
16:58You're the clown running the shop.
16:59You're the one that they want to see strung up from a lamppost by his fucking wig.
17:04What does that make me?
17:05Ronald McDonald.
17:06Well, fuck off.
17:08I'm not going, mate.
17:09No, neither am I.
17:11So, um, what did the PM say?
17:15There's going to be an inquiry.
17:19Oh, yes.
17:21You are a fucking star.
17:22That's all right.
17:22No problem.
17:23Sam.
17:24Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.
17:25Hugh, Hugh.
17:26Yes, yes.
17:26The Prime Minister.
17:27Could you try it?
17:28Woo!
17:31Oh.
17:43Hello.
17:44Oh.
17:45Hi.
17:46Is everything all right, Mr?
17:47Mm.
17:48These weren't special biscuits, were they?
17:49No, no, no.
17:50Good.
17:51How are you?
17:52Well, I've been better, to be honest, but, um, there's going to be an inquiry, so, you know.
17:56Right.
17:56Fingers crossed.
17:57Right.
17:57Well, we're all rooting for you.
17:58Oh.
17:59Thank you very much.
18:02Can I get you a chair?
18:04Mm-hmm.
18:04I'd like to sit down?
18:06Yes, please.
18:12Are the biscuits, they?
18:13Yes.
18:24Can I get you some more biscuits for a coffee?
18:28Yes, please.
18:29Okay.
18:34No.
18:34Ollie, reader.
18:35What?
18:36Put me on the speaker.
18:36Okay, it's the minister.
18:37Oh, wow.
18:38Oh, crap.
18:38They're going to have an inquiry.
18:40Can you speak up?
18:41Where are you?
18:41I'm still at number 10.
18:43They're going to have an inquiry.
18:45Yes!
18:46Great.
18:46Who are they going to have?
18:48I don't know.
18:49I don't know whether we get any say in it, but I mean, Lord Hibbert's very nice.
18:53I was with him at the FA Cup semi-final last year, and we were both trying to make out
18:59we
18:59had a clue what was going on.
19:00We've had this conversation before, haven't we, about the ideal person to head an inquiry.
19:03It was a dead heat between Eamon Holmes and Alan Bennett.
19:06I'll tell you who'd be good, Lord Monkton.
19:08Lord Monkton?
19:09Yeah.
19:10Oh, Lord Monkton certainly is in the frame here at number 10.
19:15Yeah, I'm with the PM's people now.
19:17Sure.
19:17Oh, Malcolm's just joined us.
19:20Right, Hugh, the good news.
19:22The PM's going to approach the Right Honourable Lord Monkton of Cheshunt to head the inquiry.
19:26Good.
19:26It is Monkton.
19:27Yes!
19:29Shoot!
19:29All right, fuck off.
19:30You've got the partner to run.
19:32Thanks.
19:32Thanks, Malcolm.
19:33Yeah, yeah, yeah.
19:34Thanks.
19:34Yeah.
19:35Look at this one.
19:36PM just can't kick the abbot.
19:38Redfall picture.
19:39Look at the picture of you.
19:39You look like a sales rep.
19:41They're photoshopped, though.
19:43Surprisingly, they haven't got anything better to write about after, what is it, four, five
19:46days now.
19:47I mean, until Monkton reports, they're just going to stay on this.
19:49They want blood.
19:50Oh, hang on.
19:52Good morning, Malcolm.
19:53I want you, Terry and Ollie over here right now.
19:56Not Hugh.
19:57Do not bring Hugh to Downing Street.
19:59Bit won't be for a minute.
20:00Yes, all right.
20:00Hang on.
20:01It's Malcolm.
20:02He wants to speak to you.
20:04Go on.
20:05Right, Hugh, I've seen Monkton's report.
20:07It's not good.
20:08Okay.
20:08He's talked to that driver you got rid of.
20:10Oh, my God.
20:11I never liked him.
20:12I told Glenn I didn't like him.
20:13The driver.
20:14He was a smirky bastard.
20:16He's told him that you had you and Glenn talking about putting your flat in the market
20:20but not accepting any offers.
20:21In passing, it was just mentioned in passing, just as words.
20:24You know, it's not as if we were plotting like Guy Fawkes, concocting our evil master plan
20:29to not sell a two-bedroom flat.
20:30I didn't know Glenn had gone ahead.
20:32I'm just tired, Malcolm.
20:34Is that a crime now, feeling shattered?
20:36Yeah, but you feeling shattered is not going to be the headline.
20:38The headline is going to be, you have lied.
20:40Right, look, I want your guys over here, but not you.
20:43Understand?
20:44Not you.
20:45You sure it wouldn't be helpful if I was there, or are you all going to be talking about me?
20:48We're all going to be talking about you.
20:51Right, I'll ring for a cab.
20:54It's quicker than calling one of the cars up.
20:55Okay.
20:57All right, well, let's get going.
20:59Hugh.
21:00Okay.
21:00Bye.
21:00Yep.
21:01Yeah, see you later.
21:02Okay.
21:03Probably anyway.
21:08Hugh.
21:09I mean, with the other two, it's just another day, isn't it?
21:13I want you to know I'm on your side.
21:15You know?
21:17I wouldn't.
21:19We'll ride again.
21:32Department of Social Affairs, Department of fucking shocking, shitty, charlatan, shit.
21:38That's right.
21:38Free off the furniture, you ox-bitch twat.
21:41You're not a punt now.
21:48Yes, I am king of remembering my own password.
21:51Yeah.
21:53Hello, Dan.
21:54Hi, Hugh.
21:55Is it only about...
21:55No, he's with Tucker.
21:57Well, they all are.
21:58Something up?
21:59No, no, they're just talking about one of these directives that's come through from one of the
22:02think tanks about how the press secretaries should minute their meetings with lobbyists.
22:07And...
22:08Right.
22:08So, they're just talking about how fucked I am.
22:13Oh, the report?
22:14Yeah.
22:15It's like Moncton sat in front of the word processor and just let the righteous anger of the independent judiciary
22:19flow right through him.
22:20It's just such a something-and-nothing issue to get crucified over.
22:23Isn't it?
22:24It's just a flat.
22:25Precisely.
22:25Just because I'm not some, you know, the brushed aluminium cyber prick.
22:30Like, like...
22:31Like Ollie.
22:33Yeah.
22:35Anyway, I've missed my ideal resigning point.
22:38Yes.
22:38With every day I delay, it's another year before I can get back again.
22:42Mmm.
22:42If I resign the day I was appointed, I'd actually be Prime Minister by now.
22:47The line is that we don't throw a good man out to the wolves over one single little fuck-up.
22:52So Hugh's staying?
22:54Yeah.
22:54Tell the wolves to fuck off.
22:56Not exactly.
22:57They need a blood sacrifice.
22:58Indeed they do.
22:59They want a head on a plate.
23:02We've got to give them head.
23:03That's what he's saying.
23:06You're clever, aren't you?
23:07Very, very clever.
23:09How much does your head weigh?
23:11I don't know.
23:12Eight pounds?
23:13Maybe more.
23:15Mmm.
23:16It's not my head.
23:17I've only got half a head.
23:18I'm a half head.
23:19One of you's got to decide.
23:21Which of you are going to do the decent thing?
23:23Look, we've been through all this.
23:24You know, apparently I'm Ronald fucking McDonald.
23:26Hey, hang on.
23:27Why are you not included in this?
23:28Why is it one of us two?
23:29Well, and if I've got to resign, then you've got to resign.
23:32I mean, if I ain't got to resign.
23:33Because I answer to you on the matters of policy.
23:35Yeah, well, in which case, he's got to go, hasn't he?
23:36Because I answer to him.
23:38So we've all got to go now, eh?
23:39Well, I am going nowhere.
23:41I didn't do anything.
23:42I did nothing.
23:43Oh, Terry.
23:43I'm clean as a whistle.
23:44Oh, Terry, grow up.
23:45Don't give me that pile of fucking bollocks.
23:47Just because you're a civil servant, don't think your shit doesn't smell.
23:50I know things about you.
23:52What?
23:53What do you know?
23:53Yeah, we know things.
23:54Oh, knob off.
23:56You know bugger all.
23:57What do you know?
23:57All you know is how to suck up to the new kid on the block.
23:59Oh, what a lovely backhand.
24:01Fuck off, Glenn.
24:02Oh, my stroke is so hard.
24:03You're so fucking repressed.
24:05I was just playing squash.
24:07Glenn, what do you know?
24:08What is it?
24:08What is it that you think you know about me?
24:09I know, Terry.
24:10Okay, I'm excited.
24:11I'm going to go and see Tucker.
24:12I'm going to resign.
24:13What?
24:13You don't need to resign.
24:14No, I know.
24:14Well, then don't you.
24:16No, I've been thinking it'll be very, very, very good.
24:18The report isn't out for three days, and I can leave before it with dignity.
24:23I'll be seen as an honourable man.
24:25I'll be back in government inside two years with a clean slate and a fresh tie, and I'll
24:28be shot at this fucking department.
24:30Takes four days to get a memo through.
24:33Social affairs.
24:34What the fuck does it actually mean?
24:36You know, it's so vague.
24:37You know, hello, I'm Hugh Abbott, the minister for, I don't know, stuff.
24:41And you take a look at these civil servants here.
24:43You wouldn't get these dweebs working at the Foreign Office.
24:45This place is packed to the gills with dreck.
24:49No offence.
24:52Well, I accept it.
24:53On behalf of the PM, I accept your resignation.
24:56As you've worked on, it's probably for the best.
24:57Mr Tucker.
24:58Hello.
24:59Excuse me, Mr Tucker.
24:59Oh, I'm afraid Mr Tucker has someone with him at the moment.
25:01Won't take a second, and it's quite urgent.
25:03I'm sorry, I'll have to wait.
25:04Right.
25:08Get your biscuit.
25:10No, thank you.
25:13You won't regret this, Dan.
25:15Trust me, you won't.
25:16No, let's hope not.
25:18Hey, you must be gutted.
25:20Yeah.
25:21Yeah, yeah, yeah.
25:25Hi, Hugh.
25:26I'm Dan.
25:27Oh, you're seeing Malcolm, aren't you?
25:28Yeah.
25:28Yeah.
25:30Thank you, Susan, yes.
25:31It's fine.
25:33Malcolm, I've made a decision.
25:36Do you know what I said about memos in the department?
25:39I mean, that's sortable, because we can just sort it.
25:42You know, it's just an admin thing.
25:44Don't worry, Hugh.
25:44No one's taken it.
25:45We know what you mean.
25:45Yeah.
25:46Lovely new memo on urban renewal.
25:48Oh, good.
25:49What do you see here?
25:49Look, here's a memo, and it's only taken me a day to get to me.
25:53So things are looking up already.
25:54Dan really did himself some favours there, you know?
25:57Maybe you're right.
25:58Would you like to hear what our leader thinks?
25:59This is the PM's reply to his resignation letter.
26:03You are a dazzlingly bright, talented, committed, and honourable new force in British politics.
26:08I'm immensely sorry to lose you, but I predict you will one day find yourself in very high office indeed.
26:15Well, that's just, that's easy.
26:16The resigning's just, that's just cheap and lazy.
26:19Yeah.
26:19He's a little shit anyway, Dan Miller.
26:21I never liked him.
26:22I never liked him.
26:23I never, ever, ever, ever liked him.
26:26Look, he's really late.
26:26Let's, um...
26:27Come on, Dan.
26:28Can I go home?
26:28I'm coming.
26:29I thought Dan was good.
26:31See you.
26:32Night.
26:32Good night, Hugh.
26:34Oh, God.
26:41Actually, can I stay on your sofa tonight?
26:46Yeah.
26:46Thanks.
26:49Take your time off.