- 13 hours ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00I don't know.
00:46It's a kick-ass, sweetie.
00:48If they can be delivered this afternoon, that'll be fine.
00:51But check on that, check on that.
00:53Now, Bobby, I don't like that, I don't like that.
00:56I don't want that, I just want those.
00:58It's fair to watch.
00:59Morning, darling. Morning.
01:03Thank you, sweetie.
01:07Do you hear that?
01:09Do you hear that noise, darling? That bell?
01:13What is it, sweetie?
01:16Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it.
01:35Good night.
01:37Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it.
01:40We're tinnitus, tinnitus, tinnitus, tinnitus, tinnitus, sweetheart, darling.
01:46That's gone, it's cleared, it's cleared.
01:48I know.
01:49If it's going to be any use to you, you have to remember you've got it.
01:51I'm going to throw it down there like that.
01:53I've got to waste valuable seconds walking over here,
01:56picking it up.
01:57Valuable seconds when I should be rehydrating, darling.
02:03Yes.
02:04I'm trimming down my life, darling.
02:06Working to a schedule.
02:07Moving out.
02:10Anyway.
02:11Anyway.
02:16Yeah, anyway, anyway, darling.
02:18Anyway, can't get distracted.
02:19I've got to keep on the move today, you know.
02:20Have you seen this, darling?
02:21Have you seen this?
02:21Look.
02:22It's got all my appointments and my meetings and my lunches
02:24and my phone numbers.
02:27Something else in there.
02:28Everything I need, darling.
02:29Everything I need to know and when I've got to do it.
02:32This is the new me, darling.
02:33I'm a mover and a shaker and I'm moving out.
02:35It's work, work, work, work, work for me from now on, darling.
02:38Why?
02:40Well, someone gave it to me free and it's the latest thing.
02:44You'd be better off just writing everything down on a piece of paper.
02:46A piece of paper?
02:48It's all very well for you, isn't it?
02:49You know, get up, drink, apple ties, go to university.
02:53Scrubble, scrubble, scrubble.
02:55Oh, very important.
02:56Come home, drink, apple ties, go to bed.
02:59It's all very well for someone who still organizes their life
03:01from a 1986 Let's Pocket Brownie diary with a Batchy Millie pencil.
03:05Life is slightly more complicated for the rest of us.
03:09E.G.
03:10Wednesday, 8 a.m., get up, kick arse.
03:12Well, it's one step ahead already.
03:16Exercise.
03:28No, don't touch those.
03:29Don't touch those.
03:30It took me three hours to choose those last night, darling.
03:33Those are the clothes that I must have put on today.
03:36Those are the ones that have been chosen.
03:37The decision has been made.
03:39Oh, yeah, you can tell Juanita, or whatever her name is,
03:41that everything has got to go to the dry cleaners every other day.
03:44I've got practically no clean knickers left at all.
03:48I've just got to get this house in shape, in shape.
03:50What have you done about the kitchen?
03:51Well, what about it?
03:52Well, we still haven't got one.
03:54Well, I'll consult my oracle and see what can be done.
03:56See you downstairs.
03:57Yeah, see you downstairs.
03:59Oh, no, darling, darling, darling, darling.
04:00Come back here, come back here.
04:01Ah, ha, ha.
04:02You know what I'm going to say, don't you, darling?
04:03You know what I'm going to say?
04:04I hate those flowers.
04:06Those, those flowers there.
04:07They're too English.
04:09I just want simplicity and sort of Japanese efficiency.
04:12The land where they haven't even got time to let the trees grow tall, darling.
04:17No theatre and no time for petals in my life.
04:20I want stems.
04:22Yes, ma'am.
04:23Ah, ah.
04:24Quick shower, quick shower.
04:27And one other thing, and one other thing, darling, darling.
04:30Come back, sweetheart.
04:31And I put a couple of seconds aside to say this to you today.
04:34Why can't you have floppy hair like any normal teenager?
04:38I mean, why do I have bunched up like this?
04:40Let it free.
04:41Give it a life.
04:41Let it just flop, flop, flop, flop.
04:44I mean, even Eskimo teenagers have floppy hair, darling.
04:48Little Amazonian pygmy teenagers have floppy hair, darling.
04:52Right, quick shower, quick shower.
04:55Wash and go.
04:57Sandpaper exfoliant.
04:58Yes, satellite breakdown.
05:00Tone and perm.
05:01Autobronzant.
05:01And birch twigs.
05:04Shall I have soap?
05:05Yeah, of course.
05:12Hi, Gran.
05:15No, no.
05:16Oh, Lord Jesus Christ.
05:17Oh, bloody, buggery almighty.
05:20Atune, atune.
05:21Oh, no.
05:23I think your mother wants you, Saffy, dear.
05:26No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
05:28No, no, I just, I just cannot be this person.
05:31I cannot be this person.
05:33Oh, what?
05:33Oh, what now?
05:35What, what, what, what, what?
05:36Oh, damn, damn.
05:39Oh, darling, bubble.
05:40It's me, look.
05:41Yeah, I'm getting a bit bogged down with one thing or another.
05:42You'll have to cancel a couple of meetings, will you?
05:44What do you do?
05:44Well, just, well, just wing them up.
05:46No, you do it.
05:46You, just wing them up, darling,
05:48and then ring me back and tell me what they,
05:50unless you're already,
05:51you do it.
05:52No, you do it.
05:54All right.
05:56Don't be this person. Speak to me. Speak to me. Where are you? Where are you?
06:10Yes, yes. No, I hear you. I hear you. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes.
06:17Thank God. Next generation's still the tracksuit. That's it.
06:29Breakfast. Breakfast, darling. That's black coffee and crisp bread. Fifteen minutes.
06:34I can't eat crisp bread for fifteen minutes. It's a great man's size.
06:38Croissant. Morning, dear.
06:40Oh, morning. Surprise, surprise, you're here. Can you make Mama a cup of coffee, darling, please?
06:44Oh, and how shall we do that, dear? Rub two sticks together and draw some water from the well?
06:50Don't think you're so clever. I've started repressed false memory therapy. I'll get something on you yet.
07:02You in a wood in a hood. It's all coming back to me.
07:08Anyway, this place will get done. I mean, it just can't happen overnight, darling. I am doing it.
07:13When? You've got every swatch, every sample, every picture, every magazine. Every interior designer in London has been marched around
07:20this sad basement.
07:21Not Anoushka Hemphill, darling. I had it up to here with black taffeta.
07:26It cannot be that difficult.
07:27Have you any idea, darling, of the choice?
07:30Just point at a picture.
07:34I've seen a door handle I quite like.
07:36Mum, we need surfaces, a cooker, a dishwasher.
07:39A dishwasher? A dishwasher?
07:42There's no point in a moment. He's not got to stand up, go over to them, bend over, put things
07:46in, take them out, put them wherever they go.
07:49I mean, washing up's the easy part. How would you know?
07:52Well, they wouldn't give Nanette Newman anything too complicated to do, would they?
08:03Well, I must be going. I'll see you later, maybe.
08:05Bye, Grant.
08:06Bye, dear.
08:16Morning, Patsy.
08:17Mrs M.
08:18Are you feeling all right, dear?
08:19Well, actually...
08:20Oh, good.
08:32Patsy, what do you think about the kitchen?
08:34Well, it's fabulous.
08:38It's not done yet.
08:39No, but darling, darling, darling, darling. Maybe she's right. Maybe this is...
08:42Fabulous, darling.
08:43No.
08:44Darling, darling.
08:46If it's what you want, I mean, an interior designer might have taken months to get it to look this
08:50good.
08:51Months of work to get this scorching and this sort of distressing.
08:55A hell of a lot of thought might have gone into this. There are people who specialize in this look.
08:59Just because she did it unconscious with a cigarette, darling, doesn't make it worse.
09:03Darling, it is like art.
09:05And what the hell is the difference between a painting done by someone who chooses to paint like a child
09:09and a child's painting?
09:14Well, it looks fine to me, you know. It's naive. Simplicity and utility.
09:18Yeah, I know. It's just that I don't like it, darling.
09:21Well, then forget it, darling. What do you want?
09:22Well, you know that picture of a Hoover Dam I've got, sweetie?
09:24Do you want modern?
09:25Well, I want modern, yes, but not what modern was, you know, postmodern or sort of what it is, you
09:29know, just new.
09:29I just want what it will be, you know, like that sort of, you know, that kind of stainless steel
09:33operating theatre.
09:34No, no, darling, you know, like, darling, you know when you're at the dentist and there's that chair and clang,
09:38clang, clang, and the big light comes down like that and there's this spit, pink spit.
09:43The thing you spit into, that bowl, that bowl, that's the sort of look I want, the bowl.
09:47The sort of ultra-modern spittoon.
09:49Yes.
09:50Yes.
09:51I thought you'd like some of the ones in the Conran book.
09:53Yeah, well, that's depressing in itself, isn't it, darling?
09:55I mean, why is it no matter what you're doing, whatever you want, there's always a Terence bloody buggery Conran
10:00book on it?
10:01You eat some muslin and a terracotta tile and suddenly it's Tuscany.
10:05Yeah, I know.
10:06And it takes more than a carefully placed bottle of olive oil and some balsamic vinegar to make a kitchen.
10:12Eddie, Eddie, you know those things that hang down from the ceiling?
10:15Yeah.
10:15You don't want those.
10:15You don't want to be living in constant danger of being decapitated by a fish boiler.
10:20I know.
10:21Anyway, I could have thought of all that.
10:23I wonder if LaCroix does kitchens.
10:26Eddie, I want to...
10:28Oh, there's a wee bubble.
10:29Oh, damn.
10:30Why is she coming here?
10:31Because, darling, I've got an important meeting with some advertisers today.
10:33There's no point in going into an office just to come out again.
10:35Will you have lunch today, Eddie?
10:37Yeah.
10:37Have lunch.
10:38Maybe on a tight schedule, but I've still got time for my friends.
10:48Sorry I'm a bit late.
10:50I got attached to this guy at South Kensington.
10:53His toggle got caught in me belly button ring and I had to go back and I got me past.
10:57Oh, let's see.
10:58Is it bleeding?
10:58Oh, oh, oh.
10:59That's disgusting butchery.
11:01Oh, you're all saying I should get that done, Pat.
11:02Oh, just to see.
11:03Well, what?
11:04Well, how much it hurts.
11:06It can't hurt that much.
11:07I mean, it can't hurt much more than tattooing and you've had that done.
11:10I've just got a little on my shoulder.
11:11Yeah, yeah.
11:11Ho, ho, ho.
11:12Oh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
11:14She told me you had a tattoo on your unspeakable.
11:17Maybe.
11:18Didn't unmentionable, sis.
11:19That could be anywhere on her.
11:22I was going upstairs.
11:23I've got some work to do.
11:25Oh, darling.
11:25Before you go, you help me.
11:26You know, I've got the PRPR person's awards dinner of the month lunch.
11:29You know, tomorrow.
11:30And can you help me write a speech?
11:32No.
11:33I don't know why I can't do it.
11:34You know, there's a speech in here somewhere.
11:36I just must have a block.
11:37Will you book me a high colonic, darling?
11:39I'll get it out of me by hook or by crook.
11:40And then go through my dictaphone and extract anything important.
11:46All right, darling?
11:46I'm going for a slash.
11:47All right.
11:49Shall I put it on my pad?
11:52Your pad?
11:53Where's the computer?
11:54Computer?
11:55I told you it's about a laptop.
11:57A lap...top?
11:59Top?
12:04Get rid of it.
12:06I've gone so fond.
12:07And it's so cute.
12:08And it's not just for life.
12:10It's for Christmas.
12:15Do the dictaphone, darling.
12:17The dictaphone.
12:18It's very important.
12:19All right.
12:33Who is it?
12:35Um, it's me, Patsy.
12:37But it's not what you think.
12:43What do you mean?
12:45Can I come in?
12:46Don't try anything.
12:48Don't close the door.
12:50Look, this is quite serious.
12:52I want you to look at something for me.
12:54I mean, I'd ask Eddie, but she's very busy.
12:56And I thought, you know, you might understand it.
12:58You know, doing science and all that.
13:01It's confidential, right?
13:03What is it?
13:04I just want you to tell me what it means and how bad it is.
13:10Oh, it's from your health authority.
13:11And, um, what does it mean?
13:14Well, they need you to go for a smear test and a breast check.
13:19They say they have no record of you ever having either,
13:21and that's quite dangerous in a woman of...
13:26...your sort of age.
13:27And what do they think I've got?
13:29Well, they test for cancer.
13:31Where?
13:32Oh, look, I don't want to be here asking you this!
13:36It's...
13:37...your cervix.
13:42The entrance to your womb.
13:46Look.
13:50Oh, right, right.
13:52Yeah, right, right.
13:54OK.
13:55Yeah, right, right.
13:59Yeah.
14:00Where's the other leg?
14:03It's a cross-section.
14:05I mean, look, it's nothing to worry about.
14:07Oh, right.
14:08Look, I'll fill in this form for you,
14:09and then all you have to do is post it.
14:10Right.
14:11And, um, and the breast thing?
14:14Well, do you ever check your breasts yourself?
14:17Oh, no, but you can't miss them.
14:18I mean...
14:19I've never had any complaints.
14:24What?
14:25Are you all right in there?
14:27Come on.
14:27You've just got to go, darling,
14:28and I'm calling you on the way back to the office.
14:30Take your mobile.
14:30Off you go.
14:31Off you go.
14:31Go, go, go.
14:33All right?
14:36Hello?
14:38Go, go, go.
14:40Go, darling, what I want you to do
14:41is I want you to ring up and cancel that meeting.
14:43And tell them anywhere nobody likes me,
14:44and they won't like what I have to say,
14:45but I'll just say it anywhere,
14:46and they can do what they want,
14:46and I'm sure it'll be great.
14:47But if you've got...
14:49Just go!
14:50Go, go on.
14:51And if they want to speak to you!
14:53Don't!
14:53Oh, we're never getting feedback!
14:54No, all right,
14:54tell them I have to go to them!
14:56Oh, no, no, no!
14:57Ah!
15:04Do you feel anything?
15:06Oh, what's that?
15:09Oh, it's...
15:11For God's sake...
15:14Look, I...
15:21You're welcome.
15:21No, of course!
15:26Well, I don't think there's any rain on the way.
15:29Oh, no, no.
15:30No, no, no, no.
15:33Anyway.
15:38Hang on.
15:41No, no, no, no.
15:41What's that?
15:44No, no, no, no.
15:45I know what that is.
15:45It's all right, no.
15:47Look, I think you're okay, but I think you should see a doctor anyway
15:50Right
15:51And, um, the other thing, the, uh, smear
15:54Is that a doctor thing, or, or...
15:56Doctor thing
16:02If you ever mention this to anyone, I'll kill you right here
16:05Don't worry, it's not something I want people knowing either
16:12Right, cheers, thanks a lot
16:17What, what now, what, oh yes, act on, act on, act on, yahoo
16:21No, I'm sorry, it's all right, darling, I'm going to do this
16:24In a totally calm and non-aggressive way
16:27Give me back my life!
16:32I wondered how long that would last
16:33Yeah, well, you can't live your life under that sort of pressure, darling
16:37I mean, you know, I had to cancel all my appointments today already
16:40Well done, Eddie
16:41Yeah
16:42Anyway, I've seen this new one you can get
16:44It's a crystal-driven, biorhythm-attuned organiser, darling
16:49It tells you when you're ready for a meeting
16:50And not the other way around
16:53Only when
16:55Your goddess power is at its most fertile
16:57Should you attempt one
16:58Oh, oh, darling
16:59Well, there's the Shirley MacLaine organiser
17:01That fixes up meetings in different existences and lives
17:05And in which life are you going to get round to doing something about the kitchen?
17:08Instead of wasting a whole day, just do one thing
17:10Here and now, on this plane, just one thing
17:13If you don't do this place, I will
17:19Lighten up, sweetie
17:21Lighten up, oh, good
17:27Heel! Heel!
17:30And get things done just by being uptight, you know, darling
17:34Anyway, I'm going to do one thing today
17:36I'll do one thing today
17:36I shall go and find the door handle, all right?
17:38One thing
17:39You don't mind if we do that, do you, darling?
17:40No, darling, it's still time for a spot of lunch and a little shopping
17:43Oh, yeah
17:44My mouth and my credit card are still very much in this life
17:48Come on
17:54Meg Ryan movie star, I'll be the judge of that
17:56Yeah
17:58She's all guns
18:00Who?
18:00Meg Ryan, she's all guns
18:02We are still going on about her
18:03Oh, just shush, darling, I've got to think
18:05I've got to plan my day, what I've got to do
18:07All right, one
18:08I've got to get the door handle
18:10Well, what?
18:11I mean, I have to do these things, you know
18:13I've got to get the door handle
18:14You haven't got this responsibility
18:15You don't have the burden of property
18:18I'm not living at the moment, anyway
18:20Oh, I've still got that little place
18:22Above odd bins
18:22Well, you and your red ones
18:25Two
18:26Two
18:27Two
18:27Have lunch, Eddie
18:28Have lunch, I have to make a list
18:29I'm going to have to make a list of this
18:31Eddie
18:32Don't let me forget about the speech for the PRPR person
18:34So what's dinner of the month lunch
18:35Eddie, Eddie, Eddie
18:36What?
18:37Have you ever had the tit test?
18:41What do you mean, tit test?
18:42You know, the hand
18:44Tit test
18:46Well, I don't do that hand tit testing
18:48I go to the clinic once a month
18:49And have a
18:50Mammaliogram
18:52Oh, stop, stop, stop
18:53There's a stop back there
18:54I want to look at
18:54Just in case
18:55Turn on, pull over
18:56And when you pull over
18:57Will you just switch the engine off
18:58Don't drive around like that
18:59Wasting petrol
19:01I've got a catatonic converter
19:03But they're no good, you know
19:06It's a clean
19:08Clean
19:09Clean
19:09Clean
19:09Clean
19:10Clean
19:10Clean
19:12I don't want clean
19:14Darling, pass
19:15I don't want clean
19:23I remember when I'd seen that door handle, darling
19:27Why don't you just get someone to do it
19:29Just do it
19:30Because I'm not like you, pass
19:31I can't just live in anything
19:33I'm very sensitive to my surroundings
19:35That's why I'll have to get my feng shui man in to do it
19:38I think
19:39It's great, darling
19:40He's a Chinese master in where to put your furniture
19:43To energise your life into a higher state of living and success
19:47Is he in China?
19:48Oh, darling
19:49He's on a bedside up in Camden Town in the railway
19:52Where should we have lunch, Eddie?
19:54Atlantic
19:56I remember where I've seen it
19:57I remember where I've seen the door handle
20:10Hey, Hope
20:11Na-di-da
20:13I just wanted to get the door handle
20:14All right
20:15We've got a few things then to do
20:16Like what?
20:17Lunch
20:18Lunch
20:18We'll go to Sardis for lunch or something, shall we?
20:20Yeah
20:20And then we'll do Ralph Lauren
20:22Yeah
20:22Donna Karen
20:23Yeah, we'll just cross here, sweetie
20:24Calvin Klein
20:24Yeah
20:24All right?
20:25Yeah
20:26Oh, Lagerfeld
20:26Well, we can do Lagerfeld, darling
20:28In fact
20:29You've got to make me say something every 15 seconds or I'll die
20:33Do you know which way we're going in?
20:35It should be this way, yes
20:36I know this
20:36But Donna's got offices down here, darling
20:38I know you had sex with her
20:39Didn't we all?
20:41That book
20:43You ever see that book, darling?
20:46I guess so
20:47Shall we get a cab?
20:49And if we've got time, we can get some little gorgeous things
20:52Oh, that's nice
20:53It's a bit better now
20:54How much further is it, darling?
20:56Just come on, Ed
20:57Look, just here
20:57Just here
20:57Just here
20:59No, no
21:00You think I should?
21:01Yeah
21:02Well, I mean, it's a thing to do
21:03If you don't do it, you won't have done it
21:05It might hurt, darling
21:06Maybe it won't hurt
21:08It hurt so many people wouldn't have had it done, would they?
21:11Come on, come on, Ed
21:12Come on
21:13No, darling, I don't want to do it
21:15I don't want to do it
21:17Come on, Ed
21:30Oh, sorry, dear
21:31I didn't know you were in
21:32That's okay, Grant
21:33Come in, I'm not doing anything
21:35No, I don't think so, dear
21:44Half season as well
21:45That's it
21:46I know, I know
21:47The door handle's up here, darling
21:50So this, you see, darling
21:52This is how I want my kitchen
21:53Like that
21:53You see all that?
21:54Those flowers
21:59Door handle
22:00Door handle
22:01Take these, darling
22:04It's gorgeous, isn't it?
22:06It's exactly right
22:07Got it
22:08Ed
22:09Huh?
22:10Do you want me to get it for you?
22:11Yeah
22:11I mean, how do we get it out?
22:13Well, I could have
22:16No, not here
22:17It's here
22:18Come on
22:21Good day
22:22Yeah, good day
22:23Now, let's off to the heliport
22:24Buy a customer collection
22:29Oh
22:30Oh
22:32Don't fiddle with it, Eddie
22:32It'll go septic
22:33Why do you make me do that, Toll?
22:35I just wanted to see
22:36How much it would have hurt
22:37Oh
22:38You've done it quite well, though, didn't you?
22:39I mean, I wasn't unconscious for long, was I?
22:41Came around really quickly
22:42I was really proud of you, Eddie
22:42Yeah
22:43Here, darling, for the pain
22:44Thank you, sweetheart
22:46Oh
22:48You know, New York
22:48Is the only place in America
22:49I think I could live?
22:50You wouldn't have to live there, Eddie
22:52You can go there and back
22:52Like this in a day
22:53Yeah, that's true
22:54Oh, my God
22:55Who'd live in L.A.?
22:55Oh
22:57Marshall
22:58Exactly
22:58Let's hope the next earthquake
22:59Wipes them out all together, darling
23:00Yeah, that's certain right
23:02They're in their right minds
23:03They go jogging on a fault line
23:05They deserve to die
23:07Hurt tips and a tight butt
23:09Just so you can plunge down
23:10A crack in the earth with confidence
23:11I'm sorry
23:12So I can show Saffy the door handle
23:14Look, here's my list
23:14Go through my list
23:17Door handle done
23:18Oh, well
23:19Congratulate yourself, Eddie
23:20Thank you
23:24Lunch done
23:24Well done, sweetie
23:25Thank you, darling
23:28Speech
23:28Oh, I've written a speech
23:30Congratulate yourself anyway, Eddie
23:38Darling, I forgot to write my speech to you
23:39You can start
23:40Do it on me
23:41Or on jelly screens
23:42No, I wouldn't think that was kind of funny
23:43Look, I'll just get bubble to ring him up
23:45Because I've got sick or lunged jaw or something
23:48Oh, Eddie
23:49Oh, Eddie
23:50What, what?
23:50It's that important letter, I suppose, to post
23:52Huh?
23:53Well, it's a bit late now
23:54I know
23:57What are you doing up so late, darling?
23:59You know
24:00Yeah
24:03Oh, more people here or something
24:05Just a few friends and stuff
24:07That was great
24:08It's great
24:09Eddie
24:10Eddie, show us the
24:11What?
24:12I'm dead
24:13I'm dead
24:13I'm dead
24:13I'm dead
24:16I'm dead
24:16Sweetie, just come look at Mama
24:17Draw that
24:18Turn around
24:19What are I doing today?
24:20Look at this
24:20Look at this, Dad
24:22Turn, turn, turn
24:23Oh, my God
24:25You've got to be sitting down, darling
24:26When the swelling goes down
24:27You'll be able to sit down
24:29What do you think?
24:30Looks great
24:31Anyway, I'm off to bed
24:32Night
24:34Oh, that looks great
24:35It's all right, darling
24:36We'll get the noise down
24:36We'll just have this
24:38This one bottle, you know
24:40It's okay, I don't care
24:42So do, so do
24:44You and I have quite a
24:46Quite a cool relationship, don't we, darling?
24:50It was my birthday today, Mum
24:56So
24:56No, did you come back here?
24:58Come back here
24:58Did you think we'd just
25:00Say something like that?
25:01Hit and run
25:01Come here, darling
25:03Now, listen
25:05I
25:06Gave you that birthday, darling
25:08What about that, Mum?
25:09I mean, you wouldn't
25:10You wouldn't have that birthday
25:12If I hadn't been generous enough
25:13To uncross my legs
25:14And give you to the world, darling
25:16Let's do that
25:16You're not