- 2 days ago
Allo Allo S01E02 - Pigeon Post
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00:23My name is Ronny.
00:25This is my cafe, but at the moment, my life is one big problem.
00:29You see, I have to be nice to the Germans.
00:33They are my customers. They are winning the war.
00:36So if I am not nice to them, they will shoot me.
00:39I have to be nice to the resistance.
00:41Otherwise, they will shoot him for being nice to the Germans.
00:46I have to be nice to my wife,
00:48because if she finds out I'm having an affair with Yvette,
00:51she will shoot me.
00:53And if Yvette finds out I'm having an affair with Maria,
00:56well, she will shoot me.
00:58Now, Otto Flick, the Gestapo officer,
01:01is having dinner in the back room.
01:03Upstairs are two German officers in their underwear,
01:05because I have borrowed their uniforms
01:07to help two British airmen to escape.
01:09The pianist over there
01:11is in fact a forger for the Marquis.
01:14And the German officer at that table
01:17fancies me.
01:20And it is only Tuesday.
01:24Really, the colonel is getting very impatient.
01:27You promised he would have his uniform back in 15 minutes.
01:30It is now 45.
01:31Take his mind off it.
01:33Keep him amused.
01:34How can I look at my celery?
01:36But Maria, can't you entertain him?
01:38How can I?
01:39My celery isn't even good enough for soup.
01:41Really?
01:42Airflick of the Gestapo is paying his bill.
01:45Really?
01:46Airflick says he's going to search the building.
01:48He will find the painting of the Fall of Madonna
01:49by Van Klomp in the center.
01:51No, no, the painting has gone.
01:52But so too are the uniforms of the colonel and your captain.
01:55If they find the colonel and the captain in their underwear,
01:58this could make the Gestapo suspicious.
02:01Edgar, you must keep Airflick amused.
02:04Amusing the Gestapo is a very serious business.
02:07Surely you can think of something?
02:09I have it.
02:10Give me a large glass of your strongest brandy.
02:12Of course, at once.
02:24You have ten minutes.
02:26Make it five.
02:28We must hide the German officers quickly.
02:30Take them to the room of my mother.
02:32Maria, go and tell the officers.
02:34I will explain to the old girl.
02:39Olle, it is.
02:42Can nobody hear me?
02:45Shut up, you old bat.
02:47This place is throwing me the Gestapo.
02:49I shall tell them nothing.
02:53Now, listen carefully to what I have to say.
02:56Two German officers are coming to your room.
03:02I will fight them to my dying brush.
03:09They have already taken off their uniforms.
03:12Have you no finesse?
03:15They will not touch you, Mama.
03:17Ah, that is what they said in 1917.
03:24Get in the wardrobe.
03:26If I do not have my uniform in ten minutes, you will be shot.
03:30But, Colonel, your revolver is on the belt of the uniform, which is around the waist of the British Airman,
03:36who is not here.
03:38Get in the floor.
03:40Under it.
03:42René, he is searching the restaurant, and then he is on his way up here.
03:45Who is?
03:46Otto Flick of the Gestapo.
03:48Gestapo?
03:52Not a word.
03:53The Gestapo are coming.
03:54If they find the Germans in the wardrobe, I could be shot.
03:56I shall not yield to the torture of the Gestapo, long-leaf frauds.
04:05Shut up!
04:07Herr Otto Flick!
04:11Good evening.
04:13Good evening, Herr Schoen.
04:14I am sorry to put you to inconvenience, but there are certain things I need to know.
04:19There are two German officers in the wardrobe, and there are very few officers on the carpet.
04:27Very amusing.
04:29I see I am wasting my time here.
04:32May it, love.
04:33I will take the cognac to the German officers in the room of my mother.
04:40If they do not get their uniforms soon, they will go med.
04:44Go with her, Yvette.
04:45She is under a great strain.
04:49Rene, when are we going to be alone?
04:52Go to the pantry.
04:54Wait for me by the brie.
04:56Keep the...
04:58Keep the lid on until I arrive.
05:03Check the window.
05:06Oh, Claire.
05:08Put that chair at the back of the door.
05:14Now climb on the chair.
05:17Oh, Maria.
05:18Oh, my little cabbage.
05:23My little bean chute.
05:24My big cucumber.
05:27You have no idea what the feel of your firm young body does to me.
05:32Yes, I have.
05:34Hold me forever.
05:39What were you saying to Yvette?
05:41Nothing.
05:42Nothing, nothing.
05:43No, she is nothing to me.
05:45You are my only true love.
05:48But how long can we keep our first secret from your wife?
05:51Well, as long as my hearing is good and my reactions are quick.
05:56Someone at the window.
05:58Oh.
05:58Yes, I heard.
05:59But these cowardly old legs of mine are paralyzed with fear.
06:03I shall see who it is.
06:08Huh?
06:09Oh.
06:12You know, the velvet is wearing.
06:14We shall have to start using another chair soon.
06:19It is a resistance.
06:21Michelle, why are you here?
06:23Listen, very carefully.
06:24I shall say this only once.
06:26Renée.
06:28There is no bruit.
06:30I ate it last night.
06:32Listen, I shall say this only once.
06:34Renée.
06:35The German officers cannot stay in the room of my mother.
06:38London will be calling on the radio.
06:40The radio is under her bed and the loudspeaker is in her chamber.
06:44If the Germans hear a voice coming from a chamber pot,
06:46our cover will be blown.
06:50Shut up.
06:51Michelle has something to tell us.
06:53Listen, very carefully.
06:55I shall say this only once.
06:57What is it you are going to say?
06:59I haven't said it yet.
07:00If you listen, I will tell you.
07:03The suspense is killing me.
07:05The two British airmen wearing the German uniforms have been captured.
07:10No.
07:10Yes.
07:11No.
07:11Yes.
07:12No.
07:12Yes.
07:14Will nobody believe this woman?
07:17Get on with your story.
07:19They have been captured by the resistance.
07:22Then why are we worried?
07:23They have not been captured by our resistance.
07:26What other resistance is there?
07:28The communist resistance.
07:30What are you?
07:31De Gaulle.
07:31De Gaulle?
07:32He is the tall one.
07:33With the bigooter.
07:35Well, can you not just ask them if we can have our uniforms back?
07:39We do not know where they are hiding them.
07:41What is more, we do not speak to them.
07:43When the war is over, whichever is the strongest group will control France.
07:48The communists are ruthless killers.
07:50We will have to eliminate them.
07:51Well, we cannot get those Germans out of here without uniforms.
07:55Oh, the uniforms are no problem.
07:58London can do anything.
07:59I cannot tell the Germans I'm in touch with London.
08:03Give me that me shot.
08:04We could tell them Monsieur Leclerc the Roger is a tailor, and he is going to make them
08:09new uniforms.
08:10René, you are married to a very clever woman.
08:14Well, I have always preferred brains to beauty.
08:18Unless they are big knockers.
08:21Go on, tell Leclerc.
08:26Look, how can we get uniforms from London?
08:28The wireless is under the bed, and the Germans are in the wardrobe.
08:31This is no problem.
08:33We will send the message by pigeon.
08:35We have no pigeons.
08:37They will be provided.
08:39Tomorrow morning at midday, you will go to 36th Rue Descargot.
08:43You will nurk three times, and they will give you pigeons.
08:48To avoid suspicion, you will be disguised as a small boy.
08:53But why can't I be disguised as a small girl?
08:56Because you are a small girl.
09:01Do you know what to do?
09:03Yes, yes, of course.
09:05I am to pretend I am a tailor.
09:08But who do I measure?
09:11Two German officers.
09:12They are in the room of my mother.
09:13In the wardrobe.
09:15In their underwear.
09:17Of course.
09:22I have come for the measurements.
09:24Oh, no, it is.
09:26It's the undertaker.
09:29I have needs a peak of help.
09:34That voice.
09:37That face.
09:39Beauty's old eyes deceive me.
09:42Can it be after all these years?
09:45Oh, my fanny.
09:51Oh, can it be?
09:54It is Roger.
09:57Oh, my own sweetheart.
10:01Roger.
10:02Oh, fanny.
10:04Oh, fanny.
10:06Oh, fanny.
10:08Oh, fanny.
10:12Oh, fanny.
10:18In the nick, my life.
10:22Oh, and now fate has brought us together.
10:28Remember when we were young?
10:31Oh, yeah, yeah.
10:33You used to run your fingers through my lovely long hair.
10:39Yes.
10:40Well, remember, you always used to bite my ear
10:47I remember
10:52Where did I put my teeth?
11:03That is the barn there
11:05Is that where they are hiding them?
11:07Oh, without a doubt
11:08We must get those uniforms
11:10So we have to attack
11:11Now, listen very carefully
11:14I shall say this only once
11:17Right
11:18Listen to me, my friends
11:19Unless you tell us what we want to know
11:22I will make life very uncomfortable for you
11:26What's she talking about, you suppose?
11:28I have actually no idea
11:30The trouble is, I do believe they think we're Jerry's
11:34Not Jerry's
11:36In disguise
11:36On your side
11:38Show them the manito and the lids
11:42Perhaps you recognize this method of loosening the tongue
11:46I think I've got it, Carstairs
11:48What is it?
11:49They've got a car that won't start and they want us to help them
11:52Fortunately, I know nothing about cars
11:55Neither do I
11:56Sorry, can't help
12:01She seems damn keen to get it going
12:03You have five minutes to talk
12:06Otherwise, I will shoot you
12:08If we don't get it going, she's going to shoot herself
12:10That would be a damn shame
12:12Such a pretty girl
12:14We'd better agree to do what we can
12:17We'll do what we can
12:19I thought so
12:21They are prepared to talk
12:23Cut them down
12:28Ready, take aim
12:30Fire
12:33Quick
12:33It's the Germans
12:34Out the back way
12:37I think we'd better take a powder, Carstairs
12:39If that's the Jerry's
12:40We could be shot as spies
12:42We'd better get rid of these uniforms
12:45Shove them on the fire
12:50This fire
12:56We are running for it
12:58They think we are Germans
13:00Get to the bridge
13:01We will cut them off there
13:03I thought they were on our side
13:06Hear my song
13:09In my gondola
13:12Waiting on the old lagoon
13:29Renee, the German officers will wait no longer
13:32They are coming downstairs
13:33In their underwear?
13:35Oh, they have changed
13:35Look
13:38Where did they get those clothes?
13:40From the wardrobe in the room of your wife's mother
13:42They are the disguises left by the British airmen
13:46Ah, Pierre and Jack, the onion sellers
13:49Wine on the house for my old friends, Pierre and Jack
13:53Come and sit down over here, my friends
13:54That's it
13:55Sit very comfortably here
13:57That is it
13:58A brilliant disguise, Colonel
14:00We'll have your uniforms back as soon as possible
14:02You said that yesterday
14:04If we do not get any uniforms today
14:06You'll be shot up against the ball
14:08With guns
14:10But I see you are a man of compassion
14:12Even as you say these words
14:14There are tears in your eyes
14:16It's these damned onions
14:18Ah, ah
14:20Little George, my nephew
14:24Well, it's good to see you again, lad
14:27I have what you want, Uncle Herr
14:29Yeah, yeah, good boy
14:30Good boy
14:31Now take that basket
14:32Full of your school books
14:34And put it in the back room
14:35Will you, Uncle, anything?
14:44This boy is very well built
14:48It is my wife's cooking
14:50Why is he wearing stockings and suspenders?
14:54We have many problems
15:00Otto Flick of the Gestapo is meeting me here for lunch
15:03He must go at once
15:04Too late, here he is
15:07Ah, Helga
15:08You are here early
15:09That is good
15:10You told me not to be late
15:11Your obedience pleases me
15:13Sit
15:14Yes, Herr Flick
15:16Where?
15:17Here
15:19You, French peasants
15:20I am the Gestapo
15:22I want this table
15:23Go away
15:24Or you will be shot
15:26You can't take that table
15:28Helga
15:30When I make up my mind I want something
15:32I always get it
15:34This I know, Herr Flick
15:35That's why I find you so exciting
15:39You, French peasants
15:40I am speaking to you
15:41Look at me
15:47Colonel von Strong
15:49Captain Keery
15:51Heil Hitler
15:53Klopp
15:56Why are you dressed in the fashion of onion sellers?
15:59We can explain
16:00We can explain
16:01I am waiting
16:02He is waiting
16:04I am trying to infiltrate the resistance
16:07I am doing the same as he is
16:11Just as a colonel, the French avoid me
16:13But these onions, I am one of them
16:16I am one of them, too
16:19I must admit, you look like one of them
16:23I could not help overhearing this conversation
16:26This has got nothing to do with you
16:31Go and drink your cognac
16:35This is an idea of worthy of the Gestapo
16:38Helga, come with me
16:40Yes, Helga
16:43Colonel, do you think he suspects anything?
16:46Not at the moment
16:46But we must have those uniforms
16:49Well, there is a slight problem, Colonel
16:51What problem?
16:52You have our measurements?
16:54All we need is a fitting
16:56Yes, well, that, too, would be a problem
16:58You see, the uniforms are being made in London
17:01What?
17:02You are not worried
17:02They will be made by the very best tailors
17:05Maybe even Savile Row
17:07Colonel, we are Germans
17:08To have our uniforms made in London
17:10Must be against the rules
17:13That does it
17:14I will tell the Gestapo
17:15And you will be shocked
17:17Ah, but dear Colonel
17:19With respect
17:20I'm afraid you are in too deep
17:22There is the little matter of helping the British Airmen to escape
17:26You did do that, Colonel?
17:28Then there is the priceless painting of the Fallen Madonna by Van Klomp
17:31Which is wanted by the Fuhrer
17:33You did pinch that, Colonel?
17:36Yes, just as deep as I am
17:38I only follow orders
17:39Your orders
17:41Dear lovely Colonel
17:42There is no real reason to worry
17:45Very soon you will have your uniforms back
17:47And the copy of the painting to give to the Gestapo
17:50To please the Fuhrer
17:51The girls will be here
17:53With the wet celery
17:56And life will be back to normal
17:58He is right, Colonel
18:00He better be
18:01This war is getting very dangerous
18:04I will ask my wife to prepare for you a very special lunch
18:09Edith
18:11We must keep those onion sellers happy
18:14Shall I sing a song for them?
18:16No
18:17I want you to go into the kitchen
18:19And do something unforgettable
18:22Well, you have not said that to me since April 1904
18:34Maria
18:36I am very cross with you
18:38Shall I get on the chair?
18:40No
18:42What are these doing here, hmm?
18:44They're suspenders to keep up my stockings
18:46Gentlemen do not wear suspenders and stockings
18:50You should see the colonel on a good night
18:53You nearly gave away the old game
18:55Now take those pigeons and hide them
18:58And for heaven's sake, put on a dress
19:00That German lieutenant thinks I'm like that
19:03You are bald people?
19:05Yes
19:05Don't move
19:06Ah!
19:07Lock the door
19:10Are we alone?
19:12Well, unless you count the three of us, yes
19:14Now when we found the British with the uniforms?
19:16We found them, but they ran away
19:18Do you have the pigeons?
19:20Yes
19:20Good, I have here the cylinder to attach to their legs
19:23Do you have the measurements of the German officers?
19:25Oh, yes, I've got them here
19:27Good
19:27Maria, you will put this in here
19:29And clip it to the leg of one of the pigeons
19:32You, René, will write a description of the uniforms we require
19:35Here is the pepper supplied with the cylinder
19:39What shall I say?
19:41To London
19:41Please supply urgently by parachute drop at your earliest convenience
19:46German uniforms as follows
19:50One coronel in resource regiment
19:52A moment, please
19:57How am I supposed to get all that on this little bit of paper?
20:01With very small ratting
20:04Do you know, if you had found those British, we could have got the uniforms back
20:07We wouldn't have to go through all this farrago
20:12Here
20:12Hello
20:14Sorry about the togs
20:15We had to fix them up for a couple of scarecrows
20:18Never mind that, chaps
20:19What about the uniforms?
20:20We burnt them
20:21We didn't want to be sort of spies
20:23In fact, the painting's safe, though
20:25What are they juggling about?
20:27They still have the picture, but they have burnt their uniforms
20:30Oh, heck
20:31Wait, they cannot stay here
20:34Germans are everywhere
20:35You will have to find somewhere
20:36Well, there is only the room of my wife's mother
20:39Oh, and the German colonel and captain are riding there
20:42Oh, no, no
20:42They are now in the restaurant disguised as onion sellers
20:46Then we don't have to send the message by the pigeon
20:48We can use the radio
20:51What shall I do with these?
20:54I, then
20:56Come, please
20:58Hello, Mama
21:01It is I, Little Edith
21:07What are you doing in the bed of my mother?
21:10Oh, well, we were childhood sweethearts
21:14She was my love
21:16But I thought I had lost it
21:19And now, once again, he has found it
21:25This could only happen in France
21:28Here is your soup, Mama
21:30Mama, I...
21:32What is the forger who is pretending to be a tailor doing in bed with your mother?
21:36He is an old lover
21:38Isn't it romantic?
21:40Rheumatic, I would say
21:43Now, listen to me
21:44For a very brief period
21:45You must accommodate these two British airmen
21:48These togs have a frightful pong
21:51Could you hang them on a line or something?
21:53They take off their clothes
21:54They are no better than the Germans
21:57Protect me
21:59Radio
21:59Yes
22:00Come on, chaps
22:01You're in the hands
22:02Lift the bed
22:03Oh, right, though
22:07Hold this
22:08Thank you very much
22:09You have this
22:10I say, they can't have much confidence in the soup
22:14Hello, hello
22:15This is Nighthawk
22:16Are you receiving me?
22:18Over
22:26These are my private quarters
22:35I have had it made completely soundproofed
22:38I can guess why
22:40Yes
22:41The noise of the lorries was keeping me awake at night
22:47This is my godfather, Heinrich Himmler
22:51That one is me in the Hitler Youth
22:55Your knees are very beautiful
22:58That's why I tried
23:00I told us in the Hitler Youth
23:02We are two of a kind
23:04You may kiss me
23:22That gave me great pleasure
23:26It has a very exciting atmosphere
23:31Do you interrogate people here?
23:33Well, just a little bit
23:36I have to keep up appearances
23:38Berlin expects this sort of thing
23:40But as you know
23:41I am a softie at heart
23:44I'd like to sit in that chair
23:46Yes, Herr Flick
23:53I want some information from you
23:58I'll tell you anything, Herr Flick
23:59Anything
24:00The colonel and the captain
24:03Do you think they know the whereabouts
24:05Of the fallen Madonna by Van Klomp?
24:07I am sure they do not
24:09Good
24:09We will have some wine
24:15Go to that cupboard
24:16Yes, Herr Flick
24:21Open it
24:22Yes, Herr Flick
24:25From time to time
24:26It is necessary for the Gestapo
24:28To have many disguises
24:32Bring me the two hangers
24:33On the extreme right
24:34Yes, Herr Flick
24:39These are the clothes of onion sellers
24:42We will disguise ourselves
24:43And return to the cafe
24:44Do you think they will fit?
24:47There is only one way to find out
24:49Take off your uniform
24:51Yes, Herr Flick
25:04We will observe the normal proprieties
25:07I will change behind this screen
25:14Continue to take off your uniform
25:16Thank you
25:33Hair Flick
25:34I hope you do not disapprove of my choice of undergarments
25:38Not at all
25:39Such things are very popular in Berlin these days
26:03You know, Colonel, it is quite pleasant to be a French onion seller
26:06People smile at us
26:09Especially that German officer over there
26:11I am
26:13Hello
26:15I prefer
26:16I think I prefer being a peasant to being a German
26:19You'll be a dead peasant
26:21If Herr Flick finds out we've been helping British Airmen to escape
26:25I have good news, Colonel
26:27London is making your uniforms
26:29They are working through the night
26:31And they will be dropped by parachute at dawn tomorrow
26:34But how do we know they will fit?
26:36They are being made by the very best Savile Row tailors
26:38Solomon and Klein
26:43Jewish tailors?
26:45Are you mad?
26:47They are the best, Herr Colonel
26:49That's not the point, Hans
26:51It's the principle of the thing
26:52If I had known they were employing Jewish tailors
26:55Things would have been different
26:56We could have ordered some extra shirts
27:00Your lunch will soon be ready
27:02What is it?
27:03Filter fish and bagels?
27:07No, it is a surprise
27:08How much longer do we have to wait?
27:11Should I sing his own to help pass the time?
27:13No
27:14Go back to the kitchen
27:17Oh my God, more onion cellars
27:21Colonel
27:23It is I, Helga
27:25Why dressed as an onion cellar?
27:28Herr Flick will be suspicious
27:30He is also disguised as an onion cellar
27:39Good afternoon, Herr Patron
27:41I am just a simple onion cellar
27:44In search of wine and food
27:46Sit
27:47Yes, Herr Onion Cellar
27:49I will obtain wine and food at once
27:52Monsieur René
27:54Huh?
27:55That onion cellar there
27:56Is he another cousin?
27:58Oh, very distant
27:59Yes
28:00I'm beginning to recognize your cousins
28:02They are all very well built
28:06Here it is
28:07A work of art
28:10Cassarola pigeon
28:16It looks very appetizing
28:18Will you join us?
28:20I shall be most honored
28:24Breast or leg?
28:26I like the legs
28:27I can vouch for the truth of this
28:30Where did you get pigeon?
28:32They were in a basket in the kitchen
28:34You fool
28:36They were carrier pigeons
28:37No
28:38Yes
28:38No
28:39Don't start
28:40Look
28:40There on the leg is a cylinder
28:43It contains the measurements of the curve
28:45There is a cylinder attached to the leg of this cassarola pigeon
28:53Spices have
28:54They should have been removed
28:56Allow me
28:57Stop
28:58I will investigate
29:02Inside the cylinder
29:04Covered in gravy
29:06There is a piece of paper
29:09With writing on it
29:10With writing on it
29:11Well, perhaps it is the recipe
29:15Or maybe even the name and address of the pigeon
29:20Clearly it is in code
29:22This will go at once to Berlin
29:24To be deciphered by experts
29:28Congratulations, Herr Colonel
29:30Already these disguises are producing results
29:38Penny
29:38What was on that paper?
29:41What will they discover?
29:42Oh
29:43Only that somebody's inside leg measurement is 34
29:46Chest 42
29:48And neck 17
29:49Who is that person?
29:51You, Colonel
29:51It was for the new uniform
29:53But don't worry
29:54Your name was not upon it
29:56Suppose they identified from the measurements
29:58Colonel
29:59Many people have a 42 chest
30:02Even Elgar
30:03If you include our onions
30:06What shall we do, Hans?
30:09I think
30:09We should eat the pigeons
30:12Hans
30:13You are right
30:14Give me the vegetables
30:16And one second
30:17Thank you
30:26We should away
30:27We should do
30:28We should cry
30:30Thank you
30:38Really?
30:39Thank you
30:47No
30:48I don't know
30:52We should do
30:53things
30:53We should've been
30:55Even if you're
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