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Allo Allo S01E06 - Reds Nick Colonel
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00:23I am preparing this cake for Colonel Von Strom, the town commandant, because it is his birthday.
00:30Life at my little cafe near Nouvien is back to normal, except that I have a radio transmitter
00:37hidden under the bed of my wife's mother, cyanide tablets in these two rings in case the Gestapo
00:43should discover that I am helping the resistance, and two British airmen concealed where no one would suspect.
00:52Oh, and by the way, I was shot dead by a firing squad and buried yesterday.
00:58And I am now my own twin brother. So far, so good.
01:14Are you ready, girls?
01:15Follow me. Thank you, Monsieur Leclerc.
01:19Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Colonel. Happy birthday to you.
01:39And now, the time-honored ceremony of blowing out the candles. In France, it is a tradition that this must
01:47be done by one big puff.
01:49It is your birthday, Colonel.
01:53Oh, bravo.
01:56Uh, dear Colonel, do not eat the icing. It is plaster of Paris.
02:01This is because the captain could not supply the icing sugar.
02:05That's it.
02:08No sugar.
02:10Hans, couldn't you have given up your ration for my birthday cake?
02:13Uh, Colonel, I-I give it to Maria. She won't take cash on Sundays, you see.
02:19Well, where-where are my presents?
02:23Oh, from me, this cake.
02:24And I shall have a surprise for you in my room at 9 o'clock.
02:30And I shall have a surprise for you in my room at 8 o'clock.
02:35And I have a surprise for you now.
02:39I shall sing to you a special song which I used to sing many years ago to our dear soldiers
02:47overseas.
02:48In the Crimea.
02:50I was the toast of seedy bellabbies.
02:54Mr. Clerk, if you please, the music.
02:59I knew nothing about this, Colonel. I am so sorry.
03:03Will you fall in love?
03:06If I remove a glove?
03:08What do I have to do?
03:11Should I take off my shoes?
03:14For I am called coquette.
03:16The girl men can't forget.
03:19I drive men wild with desire.
03:23When I lift my dresses higher.
03:26Should I take off my chemise?
03:29Oh, la la la.
03:32But as you know, I never go so far.
03:37Just as well.
03:40Would I stand a chance with some exotic dance?
03:45Should I do the splits?
03:47If she does, she'll fall to bits.
03:50For I am called coquette.
03:52The girl men can't forget.
03:55The girl men can't forget.
03:56They cannot wait to kiss my lips.
03:58Or just caress my fingertips.
04:02But still I know, it's too unfair to show the boys my underwear.
04:09Oh, la la la.
04:13But as you know, I never go that far.
04:22Unforgettable.
04:25René, your wife has many talents.
04:28Singing is not one of them.
04:31A little champagne, Colonel.
04:33With champagne glasses.
04:35Of course.
04:36And may I tell you a little legend, Colonel.
04:38It is said that these champagne glasses were modelled on the bosom of Marie Antoinette.
04:44Oh-ho.
04:45They should have modelled them on Helga's bosom.
04:47We'd have got a bigger drink.
04:50Captain King.
04:52That wasn't the worst possible taste.
04:55You will apologise to Helga.
04:57I'm sorry.
04:59You must tell the colonel that you have never seen my bosom.
05:03Of course, Helga.
05:04I have never seen Helga's bosom.
05:07I was only guessing.
05:11There is also a legend about where they got the idea for the champagne cork.
05:19No more stories tonight.
05:21Now, a toast to your elf, Colonel.
05:26And to victory.
05:27Oh, to victory.
05:29To our side.
05:30Where else?
05:34Lieutenant Grieber, I would like a private word with René.
05:38Would you leave us for a moment?
05:39Of course.
05:42René.
05:43Yes, Colonel.
05:45Have you got rid of those British Airmen yet?
05:47Well, I can truthfully say that they are undercover.
05:50René, they must go.
05:52I cannot go on turning a blind eye.
05:55What will happen if the Gestapo find out?
05:57We shall have to drop you in it.
06:00René, the Resistance are arranging everything.
06:03I didn't hear that.
06:04The Resistance are arranging everything.
06:10It's a fool!
06:12The less we know about it, the better.
06:15And now, René, what about the painting?
06:17Yes, it's the fallen Madonna with the big boobies.
06:20She would have made a good model for the champagne.
06:23The less you know about the painting, the better.
06:26But I need to know about it.
06:28It is our retirement fund.
06:30It's my retirement fund.
06:32I found it.
06:33Yes, but I know about it.
06:36You know it is being copied in London.
06:38When it is returned to us, you will keep the original
06:41and you can give the copy to Air Flick of the Gestapo,
06:44who will go away satisfied.
06:45The Gestapo are never satisfied.
06:48Helga is doing a very good job keeping Air Flick out of our hair.
06:52I am not, however, keeping him out of my hair.
06:54He has asked me to report every word of your conversation.
06:58That is very underhand of him.
07:02Keep me informed of every move he makes.
07:05Very, more champagne.
07:07Oh, at once kind of, yes.
07:09Colonel, when after the war you sell the painting,
07:13will you remember me?
07:15Every bit.
07:17Why should I?
07:18I found the painting.
07:19Yes, but she knows about it.
07:22In that case, Helga, you will be taken care of.
07:26Thank you, Colonel.
07:28But now, enough talk of business in the future.
07:31Let us enjoy the present.
07:33The divine women!
07:36And sons!
07:37No, just wine and women.
07:44Another surprise?
07:46More of a shock, I think.
07:48You are Colonel Von Strom and Captain Hans Geering?
07:50Yes, what of it?
07:52The owner of this cafe was shot by your orders.
07:55No, he was shot on the orders of General von Klinkerhofen.
07:58The von Klinkerhofen.
07:59I am merely the town commandant.
08:01I just signed papers.
08:03I just hand him the pen.
08:07Your execution will be a warning to you Nazis
08:09that no one is safe from the revenge or the resistance.
08:13But these people are my friends.
08:15René's twin brother, René, baked this cake for me.
08:20A collaborateur.
08:21A friend of the Germans.
08:23Would a friend have used plaster of Paris instead of icing sugar?
08:27His wife sang a special song for me to entertain me.
08:31Is this true?
08:33Edith, Edith, sing a few bars for this lady, would you?
08:37How would you like to be down by the stain with me?
08:43Enough!
08:45You are in the clear.
08:47What's that?
08:49Oh, quick!
08:50René, send for the army!
08:51We are the army!
08:56Oh, the poor Colonel and the Captain!
08:59What am I going to do?
09:01Thank you, René.
09:03I should be forever in your debt.
09:04You did not give me away.
09:05I did not know you were there.
09:08Michel from the resistance is in the back room.
09:11Just in time to get a piece of my mind.
09:16Michel?
09:17I am here.
09:18What are you doing?
09:20How dare you knock off the Colonel and the Captain in my cafe?
09:23What kind of a business do you think I'm running here, huh?
09:26It was not my group of the resistance.
09:27It was the other party.
09:29We are de Gaulle.
09:30They are the Communists.
09:32They do not understand that we are using you to help us blackmail the Germans
09:36into keeping quiet about the fact that we are helping you to help the British Herman to escape.
09:44Until your explanation, I did not understand it either.
09:47The question is, what do we do now?
09:50We know their hiding place.
09:51We will rescue the Germans.
09:53But first, you must ride your London to tell them you cannot take the British Herman to the coast tonight.
09:58Me? But I was not going to the coast tonight.
10:01You were.
10:03Passes have been provided.
10:04I would go myself, but I would be missed at my job.
10:08What is your job?
10:10I am the sub-post mistress in the next village.
10:13Next to the bakery.
10:15Not the little girl with the glasses and the lisp.
10:20The very thing?
10:23You overcharged me for two stamps last week.
10:27There is no time for that.
10:29Get on the radio. I will take care of the coroner.
10:36Oh, it is Yvette Maria.
10:41Oh, no one hears the cries of an old woman in distress.
10:49Fanny, it is I.
10:52Cross your hair.
10:53Shhh.
10:56I have brought you some food.
10:58Oh, not onion soup.
11:01Here you have my little buttercup.
11:03See, it is kek.
11:05Who is currants?
11:06Ah, heaven be pleased.
11:09And also, who is the candle?
11:13Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha.
11:14Oh, it's so romantic.
11:17I give you a bit of heels.
11:20Cake.
11:21Oh, cake.
11:22It is the birthday cake of the German carnel.
11:32The very mention of his name and the icing turns to plaster of Paris.
11:47Now, listen very carefully. I shall say this only once.
11:51What was that?
11:53I shall say this only once.
11:55Good.
11:56There is no time to use the radio.
11:59The Gestapo will investigate the disappearance of the colonel.
12:02If he finds the transmitter and the code book, we will all have had our chips.
12:05Chips!
12:08Miracle!
12:09Shut up!
12:10Quick, the radio.
12:11Monsieur Leclerc, the bed.
12:13Not in it.
12:14We'll get it.
12:16We'll get it.
12:16We'll get it.
12:17Oh!
12:21Hold this.
12:22The radio.
12:23Yes, all right.
12:25Now, what shall I do with it?
12:26There is a truck outside.
12:28They will hide it for you.
12:30The Gestapo is here.
12:32Entre Flick has just entered the cafe.
12:34Give the radio to me.
12:35If he finds that we are dead, I will drop it in the back of the truck.
12:38Good idea.
12:41Bullseye!
12:42What about the code book?
12:45Hide it on your person.
12:46But they may search my person.
12:48They usually do.
12:51Drop it in the truck.
12:52Yes.
12:54The truck is gone?
12:55It is not dead.
12:57The book must be destroyed.
12:59Eat it.
13:00What?
13:01What?
13:02No mayonnaise.
13:06In Paris, in the last war, we ate the rats, never the books.
13:13No, we must warn the British chairman that there is a delay.
13:182.30, they should be...
13:22Hello.
13:23Hello, there is a girl.
13:25There is a delay.
13:26Huh?
13:27You speak to them.
13:28I do not speak English.
13:30Change of plan, chaps.
13:31There is a delay.
13:33Leaving tomorrow.
13:33Oh, bad chance.
13:35Get out onto the roof and hide behind the chimney.
13:38Right, dear.
13:39Any chance of any food?
13:40Yes, we're damn hungry.
13:42Have a go at these.
13:44What is it?
13:46It's code.
13:47Yeah.
13:48Haven't you anything hot?
13:53Get into line.
13:54Hurry up, you peasants.
13:56Have no questions to ask you.
14:04So.
14:05Did any of you recognize these criminals?
14:16Why is this mutton dressed as lamb?
14:21It was the dear colonel's birthday.
14:23I was entertaining him.
14:26Are you then a lady of the night?
14:28I was the cabaret.
14:30I am a professional artist.
14:32I was singing for his delight.
14:34Prove it.
14:37I drive men wild with desire.
14:40When I lift my dresses higher, should I take off?
14:44Stop!
14:45Your story does not hold water.
14:48She speaks the truth, hair flick.
14:51Unlikely though it seems.
14:59You.
15:01Did you see the face of the traitor?
15:03She was just an ordinary French girl.
15:06Would you recognize her?
15:08All girls look the same to me.
15:21Very well.
15:23If the colonel and the captain are not returned to my office unharmed by eight o'clock tomorrow morning,
15:29ten peasants will be marched into the town square by the lieutenant and his men,
15:33and they will be shot.
15:35Is that understood?
15:37Good.
15:39Herr Flick.
15:40Could you not get someone else to do the shooting?
15:43You're making me rather unpopular.
15:46You will obey orders.
15:48That is all.
15:50Helga, come with me.
15:51Yes, Herr Flick.
15:57Herr Hitler!
16:02Make that twenty peasants.
16:10Hans, look at it how you will.
16:13This is a very serious situation.
16:16Do you think they are really going to shoot us?
16:18They are French.
16:20The French are very unreliable.
16:23Especially after lunch.
16:27Colonel, why are you wiggling about?
16:33You will be pleased to hear I have managed to get my lighter out of my back pocket.
16:39Thought you were trying to give up, Smokey.
16:45I am going to burn through the ropes that tie your wrists, and then you can untie me.
16:50Oh, good.
16:51I saw this in a film with Conrad White.
16:54Take your voice down, and stand by.
16:57I am ready.
17:02What is the delay?
17:03I am pulling up my dick to get a big flame.
17:12Even Conrad White didn't think of that.
17:18Here we go.
17:22I am a dummy.
17:24You are liking the hairs on my wrists.
17:27Don't be a baby.
17:28I am not a baby.
17:31I am not a baby.
17:34Well done, Hans.
17:36I felt a hope go.
17:37That was the strap of my wrist watch.
17:40There is someone coming.
17:42Try not to smolde.
17:46What is happening?
17:47Where am I?
17:48Remove the blindfold.
17:51Rene.
17:52What are you doing here?
17:54What are you doing here?
17:54I was just putting out the cat, and I was pounced on by the resistance.
17:59Perhaps they think I am somebody else.
18:01You are the brother of the man who was shot.
18:03You are to have the honor of shooting these men who have raped the whole of France.
18:09If I may say so, that is a slight exaggeration.
18:13Here is a gun.
18:14Now is your chance to avenge your brother.
18:17Oh, well, I think you should understand that my brother and I were not that close.
18:22In fact, we did not get on.
18:24No, no.
18:25He used to bully me, you know.
18:27He used to twist the ear of my teddy bear and pinch my conkers.
18:34I know, I know it does not sound like much now, but when you are little, you remember such things.
18:40I have placed in the chamber two bullets.
18:44Do your duty.
18:50May I have just one last request?
18:52We are supposed to have the last request.
18:55Silence, pig, dog.
18:57Hyena.
19:01I would like to savor my moment of revenge alone.
19:05We understand.
19:06Quick, follow me.
19:12That was a narrow squeak.
19:14Rene, you must get us out of here.
19:16We cannot go on helping you if we are shot.
19:18It is all your fault for saying I was my own twin brother.
19:21If you had said I was a distant cousin or something, I would not be in this mess.
19:25You are in a mess.
19:26What about the mess we are in?
19:28What am I going to do?
19:30Cut these ropes and we can leg it out the window.
19:37Wait a moment.
19:38How do I explain that you have escaped?
19:41Well, you leg it as well.
19:45You have not shot them yet.
19:48No, no.
19:49Well, I thought I would just torture them a bit, you know.
19:53You know how one does.
19:55Just in case they can reveal any of Hitler's plans
19:58or secret weapons
20:00or where he is going on his holidays.
20:03My unit has just intercepted a parachute drop.
20:06We are very puzzled to know what this means.
20:09There are two German uniforms and two identical panties.
20:13How strange.
20:14More than strange.
20:16The names of these two officers are on the uniforms
20:19and they were dropped by the RAF.
20:22That is because we are British officers in disguise.
20:27Isn't that so, Charles?
20:31Absolutely, Henry Old Bean.
20:33What, what?
20:36It's surrounded by German soldiers.
20:38Stop.
20:38Stop the back way.
20:42Aim I at the barn.
20:43We must not hit Rene.
20:45I cannot even see the barn.
20:47No one is running away.
20:49There are three of them.
20:50Good. We can go in now.
20:55Dear Colonel,
20:56when the German troops arrive,
20:58you will tell them how I saved your life, won't you?
21:00Yes, yes, of course.
21:02Goes without saying.
21:03I would feel better if you said it all the same.
21:06That's it.
21:09Rene.
21:13My Rene.
21:15Oh, my brave Yvette.
21:19My Rene.
21:21My brave Maria.
21:24My Rene.
21:26You were brave too, Edith.
21:28Yes.
21:30Quick, Colonel.
21:31You must return to Nouvion
21:32so that Airflick can see that you are safe
21:34and then he will not shoot the peasants.
21:36Leave it to me.
21:37Follow me, Hans.
21:41And hide those paintings.
21:43Hide the paintings.
21:44Do this, do that.
21:45Blah, blah, blah.
22:03Have we run out of gasoline again, Airflick?
22:06No.
22:07I distinctly heard the sound of gunfire.
22:10From which direction?
22:12Over there.
22:14Shall we pretend to be lovers again?
22:16As we did at the bridge and the crossroads and the church?
22:20In case anybody passes by
22:21who might otherwise think our presence in a staff car is suspicious.
22:24No.
22:25It is time now for action.
22:31Take this.
22:33Insert it into the hole at the front.
22:35And turn rapidly.
22:41I will wiggle my foot on the pedal.
22:44Yes, sir.
22:45How I admire a man of action.
22:53The switch is on.
22:55The shaft is inserted.
22:58Turn.
23:02Faster. Faster.
23:09So exciting, Airflick.
23:12Keep turning.
23:21It's going.
23:22No, don't help me.
23:28Do you think it is a very long way?
23:30They go with some circles.
23:31So who knows?
23:33But I feel this is the correct road.
23:37Good sense of direction.
23:38If only we had a compass, we could check our bearings.
23:41Look out for the great bear.
23:45There are many clouds and few stars.
23:48You fool, Hans!
23:50Not up there.
23:52It's an inn outside Newview.
23:54I've never mentioned it before.
23:56I don't tell you everything.
24:00Listen.
24:02There's a car coming.
24:04I will halt it.
24:14I'll do it.
24:16Uh, Airflick, you would be pleased to see the captain and I have escaped.
24:23That is quite evident.
24:24We have good news.
24:26We have found at last the missing painting of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies.
24:34Hans, give the painting to Airflick.
24:41The Fuhrer will be delighted.
24:44Good.
24:45I will take it at once to a place of safety.
24:54Snumbledonk.
24:55Pick up!
25:01All right, all right.
25:03Have a little patience, will you?
25:05You're waking up the old house.
25:09For the sake of heaven.
25:12Now then, where is the key?
25:14Just a minute!
25:18What is happening?
25:20We were both aroused by the banging.
25:26I too was aroused by the banging.
25:31I was aroused when I saw the girls with the candle.
25:37Yes, all right.
25:39Who is it?
25:40Me, that's his name.
25:43Colonel, you are safe.
25:45What a night.
25:47What a night.
25:48The news is good.
25:50We have handed the forgery to Airflick to send to the Fuhrer.
25:54And we have the original painting for you to hide behind the bricks in your cellar.
25:58And then we can all sleep soundly in our beds, once more.
26:03Give it to me quickly, in case you have been followed.
26:06Now then.
26:10Ah, the fallen Madonna with a big hobie.
26:15Oh, the trouble you have given us all.
26:18Well, take a good look, my friends.
26:20You will not see them again until after the war is over.
26:25What is written on that little label in the corner?
26:29I don't know. It is in English. I don't understand.
26:31I speak a little English. I will try to translate for you.
26:34Oh.
26:36Dear Resistance,
26:39Please note this is the forgery.
26:46That's your score!
26:48You gave Airflick the wrong one!
26:52You're cross, aren't you?
26:55But what do we do now?
26:57We must get the painting back before Airflick can send it to the Fuhrer.
27:02And who is going to do that?
27:04You are!
27:05And if you don't, I will have you shot!
27:08You will have everyone to bed.
27:10Life is back to normal.
27:13René, René, any chance of the girls giving us a little cuddle?
27:18Well, do you have any butter, sugar or paraffin?
27:22Well, Hans?
27:23Not on me, no.
27:24Well, in that case, Ard Bun, Old Bean.
27:35I ros know.
27:41That's all my teeth!
27:44I'm sorry.
27:49Not on me, it is the top of my head.
27:49I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
27:49I love you!
27:57But I'm just going to get to the top of my head.
27:58And as soon as soon as soon as soon as soon as soon as soon as soon as soon as
27:58I'm going to be waiting for the floor.
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