- 1 day ago
Allo Allo S01E05 - The Funeral
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00:24Yesterday was for me a very bad day.
00:27I was arrested for blowing up a railway line, which I did not do, and General von Klinkeroffen,
00:34a very important kraut, had me shot at door.
00:38But my two friends, the German officers over there, put dummy bullets in the firing squad's
00:44rifles so that I could live to tell the tale, which is what I am doing now.
00:50Needless to say, I owe them a favour.
00:53René?
00:59Now that things are back to normal...
01:01Almost normal?
01:02We have not yet got back the painting of the Fall of Madonna with the big...
01:06Stop!
01:10René, now that things are back to almost normal, I think you owe me a favour.
01:16Of course, Colonel. Yvette or Maria?
01:22Decide.
01:26No contest.
01:28In half an hour?
01:30Perfect.
01:31Just one little thing is worrying me, Colonel.
01:34What's that, René?
01:35Well, the lieutenant who was in charge of the firing squad that shot me, he is a regular customer of
01:40mine.
01:41Will he not think it a little strange to find me still here, alive?
01:46We thought of that.
01:48We think of everything, Colonel.
01:50You told him your cafe was now being run by your twin brother.
01:57What a brilliant idea, Colonel.
02:00How do you think of these things?
02:02We have to be on our toes.
02:04He's looking forward to meeting you.
02:06Do you think it will work?
02:08Of course.
02:09You look exactly like yourself.
02:12You are most reassuring, Colonel.
02:14Oh, one other thing.
02:15I am running very short of butter, sugar and paraffin.
02:18Do you think you could let me have a little from your store?
02:21René, we cannot keep on fiddling our books.
02:24That's not fair on Hans.
02:29I'll manage somehow.
02:36Hilge, sit down.
02:39Have you seen Herr Fleck of the Gestapo?
02:41Yes, I carried out your instructions.
02:43I told him René has been shot and his twin brother has arrived from Nancy to run the cafe.
02:48Did he believe her?
02:49After some interrogation.
02:51Why did he interrogate you?
02:53No.
02:54It was raining so we decided not to go out.
03:00Dear Sippard!
03:02Oh, will nobody come to help me?
03:06Here we are, Mama.
03:08Oh, not more onion soup.
03:11No.
03:12No.
03:12Today we have a treat.
03:14Oh.
03:15Harakot beans.
03:17Oh.
03:18Oh.
03:19More than an old woman can bear.
03:22But no matter.
03:23Come close, Edis.
03:24Yes.
03:25Now that René is dead.
03:29Have you found his will?
03:31Mama, he is not dead.
03:33He is down below.
03:35Oh, well.
03:36The life he led, I am not surprised.
03:39Now, Edis, you must marry again.
03:43Why do you not marry Monsieur Maurice?
03:47He owns the Hotel Grand Place.
03:49He has a cafe.
03:51Mama, René is not dead.
03:53He has a bigger one than René.
03:58Do not fill your head with such things.
04:01I must go.
04:02I have much to do.
04:03Now, Edis, what are you going to do about the airmen in my wardrobe?
04:11There are no airmen in your wardrobe.
04:13We have hidden them in the inn house.
04:17Airmen in the inn house.
04:21Sometimes I think I go round the twist.
04:30Maria, Yvette, the two German officers in half an hour.
04:34Did you explain that the flying helmet and the egg whisk are extra?
04:38Not this time.
04:39This one is on the house.
04:41René, what about the resistance?
04:43You know we have to give them 10%.
04:45They will be very cross if they find out we are giving the Germans freebies.
04:50Take it out of the till.
04:54Ah!
04:58Allow me to introduce myself.
05:01I am Lieutenant Gruber.
05:03I was a very close friend of your brother.
05:06Ah, my twin brother, René.
05:08Yes, yes.
05:09It was very sad.
05:11Unfortunately, I was in charge of the firing party.
05:15Yes, I know.
05:16Orders.
05:17You understand.
05:18I hope you will not hold it against me.
05:21I will try not to.
05:24Your usual?
05:25Whatever that may be.
05:28That is my usual.
05:30How extraordinary.
05:32You bear a most remarkably close resemblance to René.
05:36I know.
05:38You even have the same pretty rings.
05:40Ah, yes, yes.
05:41He left them to me.
05:43Now I come to look.
05:44Your eyelashes are a little longer.
05:47And your hands are more artistic.
05:51The Colonel told me you arrived from Nancy's this morning.
05:55Yes, he's quite right.
05:56Is that where you and René were born?
05:58Yes, we were both Nancy boys.
06:06René, I must talk to you.
06:08We have to feed the ends.
06:14She called you René.
06:16That is very strange.
06:17Ah, well, you see, we were so alike,
06:20there did not seem to be any point in giving us different names.
06:25So they called you both René.
06:27That must have been very confusing.
06:29Oh, no, no.
06:29They called us René one and René two.
06:32Are you one?
06:34No, I am definitely two.
06:40Otto, what brings you here?
06:43I am here on official business.
06:45You will refer to me as Herr Flick.
06:47Yes, Herr Flick.
06:47And stand up when you talk to me.
06:49Yes, Herr Flick.
06:50Come here.
06:55You are wearing perfume.
06:57You gave it to me, Herr Flick.
06:59That is no excuse.
07:00Members of the German forces should not wear perfume on duty.
07:04Even if they are girls.
07:06Turn around.
07:09At least your hair is tidy.
07:11Turn around.
07:12Yes, Herr Flick.
07:13You wish me to tell the colonel that you're here?
07:15No.
07:17I will tell him myself.
07:19You wish me to kiss you?
07:21Well, just a little one.
07:35Thank you, Herr Flick.
07:36You're welcome.
07:41Hello, Herr Flick.
07:42Hello, Herr Flick.
07:45Hello, Herr Flick.
07:47Hello, Herr Flick.
07:48Your visit is unexpected, Herr Flick.
07:50So it seems.
07:51We were just reading how well the war is going.
07:54There is a very good picture of the Fuhrer on page three.
07:59I understand you shot the saboteur.
08:02Yes, Herr Flick.
08:03Were there any peasants present at the execution?
08:06A few, Herr Flick.
08:07Did you take their names?
08:09Did you take their names, Hans?
08:11Er, I think there was one called Bobby.
08:14Sorry.
08:15They might have been members of the Resistance.
08:17They might have been members of the Resistance, Hans.
08:20But you gave me no orders.
08:21That is no excuse.
08:23You should have asked them their names and addresses.
08:25You ask a French peasant that, he drops his onions and runs like they're clappers.
08:30This being the case, you must attend the funeral.
08:33Funeral?
08:34To the Resistance, he's a hero.
08:37They will come to pay their respects.
08:40I will observe from a discreet distance.
08:42You will obtain names and photographs.
08:45A little! A little!
08:53Carstairs, that cockerel hasn't taken his eyes off you for the last hour.
08:58I suppose, sitting in this position, he thinks I'm going to lay an egg.
09:02I wish he would.
09:04I'm dashed hungry.
09:13Oh!
09:14Dinner time!
09:19It's that Resistance girl, Michelle.
09:21Hello, chaps.
09:22Sorry about the cramped quarters.
09:24I'm afraid you've got to lie low a bit longer.
09:27It's not exactly luxurious, you know.
09:30Fairfax nearly fell off his perch last night.
09:33I'm trying to get through to London to get them to send a plane for you.
09:37Oh, good show!
09:38By the way, we're jolly thirsty.
09:42See the button on that feeder there?
09:43Press it with your nose and the trough will fill with water.
09:47Fairfax!
09:49Toodle-oo!
09:50Toodle-oo!
09:52Yvette, quick!
09:54I want you upstairs!
09:55Oh!
09:56Oh, it is the wireless!
10:00Mama, we have to use of adieu under your bed.
10:04Has Monsieur Maurice proposed to you yet?
10:08Mama, René is not dead.
10:10I saw it in full.
10:13I heard the shots with my own e-trumpet.
10:17Ah!
10:18He has come to haunt me!
10:20Calls the priest!
10:22He is, René!
10:23He is alive!
10:24No, no, no!
10:25He is a phantom!
10:27See?
10:27My stick goes through here!
10:29You stupid old bat!
10:32Are you trying to kill me or something?
10:33Oh!
10:34It is a miracle!
10:36On top of this, the wedding is cancelled!
10:40Take no notice of her.
10:41Get the bed up.
10:42One, two, three!
10:44Oh!
10:47Oh, my God!
10:53Who is this Monsieur Maurice?
10:55He owns the Hotel Grand Place and a café.
10:58But why does she want you to marry him?
11:00He has a bigger one than you have.
11:04But René does more behind the bar.
11:07This is true.
11:11Hello, hello.
11:13This is Nighthawk.
11:14Are you receiving me?
11:15Over.
11:16London is receiving you.
11:18Pass your message.
11:20Over.
11:21The N's are still in the N house.
11:24Over.
11:26What is so strange about that?
11:30Over.
11:31Over.
11:32The two airmen want to go home.
11:35Over.
11:36Please use the code.
11:38Over.
11:39The N's are still in the N house.
11:42Over.
11:43Roger, Nighthawk.
11:45Now, listen very carefully.
11:48The big one will arrive at midnight.
11:52Oh, Monsieur Maurice, what did I tell you?
11:56Shut up!
11:57This means they are dropping the consignment that we have ordered.
12:01That must be the new uniforms for the German officers, which they no longer need.
12:05And the forged painting of the fuller Madonna with the big boobies.
12:10Thank you, London.
12:11Over and out.
12:12And things.
12:14There's a man downstairs.
12:15He says he is an undertaker.
12:17What does he want?
12:18He has come to measure you for the coffin.
12:21Oh, I forgot I was dead.
12:27Oh.
12:29Good afternoon.
12:30Good afternoon.
12:31My name is Alphonse.
12:32Director of funerals.
12:34My card.
12:36Ah, thank you.
12:38Swiftly and with style.
12:41I like that.
12:44Hi.
12:44This is the wife.
12:46Of my brother, René.
12:47The dead one.
12:51And this lady?
12:52Oh, that is Yvette.
12:54A seven girl.
12:55I used to work under the deceased.
13:04Sad occasion.
13:05Tragic.
13:08Where is the body?
13:09In the office.
13:10In the office.
13:12Well, we have been moving him about a bit.
13:15Well, I shall have to take some measurement later.
13:17But first, we must decide on some distressing details.
13:22Of course, sir.
13:24If monsieur would like.
13:29Now, first.
13:31The coffin.
13:34Oak.
13:35Elm.
13:36Ash.
13:37Pine.
13:4510,000 francs.
13:45Which do you favour?
13:47Do you not have something a little bigger?
13:53But these are samples of the wood.
13:57The hook is 35,000 francs.
14:01Ash.
14:01Huh?
14:0225,000 francs.
14:04Elm.
14:0415,000.
14:06Pine.
14:0610,000 francs.
14:07This is very expensive.
14:10This is very expensive.
14:10Do you not have something in orange box?
14:14You must have oak.
14:16All my neighbours will expect it.
14:18Edith, I am paying for this.
14:20How long did you humiliate me in front of my neighbours?
14:23Oak.
14:24Now, as you have chosen the oak, you shall always want the bronze handles.
14:30They last longer.
14:33Why should this be an advantage?
14:34We're not pulling him up again.
14:38And the brass nameplate with the letters inlaid in silver.
14:41Might I suggest?
14:44To my beloved husband.
14:47Sadly missed.
14:51Excuse me.
14:53May I say something?
14:54They shot him.
14:56You cannot have sadly missed.
15:04What does Madame suggest?
15:07He was brave.
15:08He died for France.
15:12Long live de Gaulle.
15:14Who?
15:16De Gaulle.
15:18You know, the one who scarpered.
15:21Oh, I think you're so gorgeous.
15:24There should be a poem.
15:26The rifle's fired.
15:29The bullet's hit.
15:31Oh, we shall miss that little man.
15:37And pray it didn't hurt a bit.
15:40Yes!
15:48That would be at 200 francs a letter 12,000 francs.
15:5212,000 francs?
15:54Just put it back.
15:57I will pay.
15:59There is provision in the will.
16:01What will?
16:01I found it.
16:02It was in the secret drawer of the bureau in the dressing room of my mother.
16:06It leaves everything to me.
16:09I think there will very likely be another will.
16:13Well now, it only remains for me to measure, if you will pardon me.
16:18The body.
16:20Oh, well, that is no problem.
16:22I am his twin brother.
16:23You can measure me.
16:24Monsieur, I am professional.
16:27We have our etiquette.
16:28If it ever leaked out that I measure you instead of the body,
16:32every undertaker in France would laugh.
16:35Ah, well, that would be unusual, I'm sure.
16:40Well, perhaps before you measure, if you will pardon me, the body,
16:44you would like a cognac.
16:45Oh, that is most kind.
16:47Yvette.
16:49Uh, Edith.
16:50Um, when Monsieur Alphonse has finished his cognac,
16:54show him the body in the office.
16:56But René.
16:57René's body, that's right.
17:00Monsieur Alphonse, I am sure you will forgive me if I do not come with you.
17:02It is very difficult for me, you understand.
17:05Of course, of course, Monsieur.
17:29Thank you, Simon.
17:29No, that was correct.
17:30Welcome, angrily, to be with me.
17:31And do it.
17:44It is the unquiet spirit of my auntie.
18:00Are we ready?
18:01I hope so.
18:13Sorry.
18:15Of course I've had it.
18:31Madame?
18:54Pardon?
19:02where does he have flour on his face when he was arrested he was making a roly-poly pudding
19:34before I go I will need the signature of the brother-in-law
19:42where do you think he is at the moment oh I do not know but I am sure he will
19:48join us in the bar as
19:50soon as he comes
20:26finished he's all done how did he look
20:37thank you thank you thank you
20:53oh I have left my tip measure
21:10don't open the door till I put the lid on
21:16what does she want well how do I know open the door and find out
21:23quick all of you inside what is happening last night the picture of the fallen Madonna with the big
21:29boobies did not come by parachute these did they are being pursued by German patrol you must hide them for
21:35us well what are they anti-tank mines treat them very gently keep a cool head if the Germans find
21:43them you will be shot well at these prices I cannot afford another funeral we must go through the back
21:52well where am I supposed to hide these you will think of something but hurry the Germans
21:58may have seen us enter German soldiers coming towards us oh quick in the coffin not you these
22:09what is all these bottles doing in the coffin of the gas band they are to make it heavy so
22:14that when
22:14they lift it up they think I am in it quick the others the rest oh wait till I put
22:22the lid on
22:27what do you want we demand anchorage stand aside why do you bother a poor woman in a time of
22:36grief we are
22:37hunting members of the resistance and they came in through this door we thought they were customers
22:42but they came straight through and out the back did you see their faces no we were busy doing the
22:49screwing
23:01what's going on what were the soldiers doing they were following the resistance really you must stop
23:08seeing those people if her flick finds out he will make you talk and you might tell him about us
23:13oh I
23:14would die before I did that colonel I would try to arrange it now did you put the weights in
23:21the coffin yes
23:22colonel yes just finished yes Hans the black bands are you coming to the funeral colonel of course we
23:32were very fond of you one word of warning her flick will be observing from the bushes make sure no
23:43members of
23:43the resistance are there oh of course colonel thank you for telling me
23:53what's that I paid for the bells all the whole village of Nouveau will come to pay their respects
24:00how much did they cost it was very cheap 100 francs a bong you are having 50 bongs
24:10what is this the crier how much do they cost well they said you would give them the usual and
24:20then
24:20they giggled so i didn't understand they look very beautiful standing there with their candles
24:28hands i'd like this when my turn comes or even before
24:38shut up
24:40what on earth is he doing here he was 500 francs the real priest was three thousand good choice he
24:48did
24:49we are gathered here to pay our respects uh to our good friend
24:55uh renee
24:58one two three four
25:14your guess is as good as mine
25:24something is happening we must move to a better position at the back of the car
25:30a better position at the back of the car
25:49it's only a handful of my friends here i thought you said the old village of Nouveau was turning out
25:54to more night passing newvian rangers are playing away
26:03renee hold on to my arm are you going to faint no i cannot see
26:11renee do you think the resistance will be very cross with us because we are burying the anti-tank
26:16mines in a coffin that is their funeral this is mine
26:21you think we should goose step no hans that would be very poor taste
26:27as i had enough we have with us the man who shot him
26:30as obeying orders i was most upset as i uttered the word fire i felt a complete rotter
26:42this will do they cannot see us here you will bend over and touch your toes
26:48what have you in mind haffley i've used to steady my binoculars
26:52yes
26:57so
27:26What is wrong?
27:27Hurry up.
27:29Who has the key?
27:31The priest has the key.
27:37Not you.
27:38The real priest.
27:40Where is he?
27:41He plays Cinderella for the Nuvian Rangers.
27:45We have had it.
27:49What is the problem?
27:51The priest has forgotten the key.
27:54Shall I shoot off the lock?
27:55If it wasn't for you and your shooting, we wouldn't be here in the first place.
27:59Can you all come back tomorrow?
28:03I won't keep until tomorrow.
28:07Boik.
28:10Heinz.
28:26Something very strange is happening.
28:30What is that, Herr Flick?
28:32The coffin and all the mourners are heading in this direction.
28:59Should we move to another position?
29:01No.
29:01Well, we are quite safe here.
29:03Well, we are quite safe here.
29:28Let's go.
29:29My love.
29:31Oh.
29:34And, dear.
29:35Oh, I'm so sorry.
29:39That's not so amusing.
30:05That's not so amusing.
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