- 2 days ago
Blackadder S01E02 Born to be King
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:04In 1486, the second year of Richard IV's historic reign, and also the year in which the egg replaced the
00:11worm as the lowest form of currency, King Richard departed England on a crusade against the Turks.
00:19As the good lord said, love thy neighbour as thyself, and as is Turkish, in which case, tell the bastard!
00:28He left behind him his beloved son Prince Harry to rule as regent in his stead, and his slimy son
00:39Edmund to do the tasks most befitting him.
00:59My lord, with the king gone, hmm?
01:06Of course! At last, a chance for some real power.
01:13Ah! Ah! Ah!
01:15Ah!
01:15Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
01:26Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
01:26Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
01:26Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
01:36Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
01:38Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah
01:54On! Onward!
01:56I want you scum back to the castle by sundown or you'll all be slaughtered!
02:01Onward!
02:02Come on!
02:04Come on, will you?
02:05Shut up!
02:06And you'll just keep going!
02:08I've just about had enough of you!
02:10Shut up!
02:14Come on, you rational!
02:15Where are you going?
02:17Stop!
02:18Where are you going?
02:20Oh, not over!
02:21Not away from the castle!
02:23Towards it!
02:24Shut up!
02:26Splendid!
02:27Splendid!
02:28Now look!
02:29You're not supposed to be here!
02:30That's far enough!
02:31Now get out!
02:36I can get my hands on that bastard brother Harry!
02:40Ah, Edmund!
02:45Edmund!
02:49Ah!
02:50There you are!
02:50Splendid news, Edmund!
02:52Father's coming home!
02:54He writes here that he'll be back by St Leonard's Day!
02:57Excellent!
02:57So we can celebrate both events together!
03:00Now then!
03:01I shall handle the visiting royalty, of course!
03:04The guards of honour and the papal legate!
03:07And you can sort out the frolics!
03:10The frolics?
03:12Yes!
03:12The Morris dancers!
03:14The eunuchs!
03:15And the bearded women!
03:16You know, the traditional St Leonard's Day entertainments!
03:20Oh, damnation though!
03:21I don't think I'm going to have enough time to attend to the drains!
03:24Edmund!
03:25You'll have to look into those as well!
03:26Oh!
03:27Yes!
03:28Fine!
03:29Fine!
03:29I'd be honoured!
03:31Good!
03:31You won't let me down, now will you?
03:33No, no, no!
03:34No!
03:34I'm really looking forward to it already!
03:37Thank you so very much!
03:39Splendid!
03:4212 months of chasing sheep and straightening the royal portraits!
03:48And now this!
03:50The bastard!
03:52The bastard!
03:54If only he were, my lord!
03:58What?
03:59If only he were a bastard, my lord, then you would be regent now!
04:04Ah, yes!
04:05Yes!
04:05And then one day!
04:07You would be king, my lord!
04:10Ah, yes!
04:11Yes, I would be king!
04:14And then what?
04:16You'd rule the world, my lord!
04:19Precisely!
04:21It's just not fair, you know!
04:23Every other damn woman in the court has bastard sons!
04:26Well, now my mother, oh no!
04:27She's so damn figure, she'd end up all down in case she noses her own breasts!
04:33He must be so looking forward to the king's return, your master!
04:39No!
04:40No, my lady!
04:41But think he will come to your chamber and make mad, passionate love to you!
04:47Yes, I wish he wouldn't do that!
04:50Very difficult to sleep with that kind of thing going on!
04:55Being used all night long!
04:57Like the outside of a sausage roll!
04:59Oh, yes!
05:01And then it's so ambitious to look forward to!
05:04The jesters, the jugglers, the great brown ox, steaming and smouldering all night long!
05:12Oh, yes!
05:13The feast!
05:14So?
05:16I was thinking of something else!
05:18Oh, to you!
05:19They've got the Morris dancers!
05:21I love them!
05:23Yes!
05:24I like the eunuchs!
05:26Oh, yes!
05:28The eunuchs!
05:30Well, I wish I owned one!
05:33I wish I'd married one!
05:35No, no!
05:36Fine!
05:37Fine!
05:37Could have happened to anyone!
05:39Never mind!
05:39Never mind!
05:41Oh!
05:42God!
05:42I don't believe it!
05:45We've only got one act and she's shaved her beard off!
05:50There's always the eunuchs, my lord!
05:51Oh, yes, sir!
05:53The eunuchs and the amazing beardless woman!
05:57There must be someone else!
05:58There must be!
05:59Look!
06:00Ah!
06:00There's the jumping Jews of Jerusalem, my lord!
06:03What do they do?
06:04They jump, my lord!
06:07They come in, my lord, and they jump!
06:09A lot!
06:11It's a humorous act!
06:12There must be something else!
06:14Surely!
06:15Ah!
06:15What's this?
06:16The death of the pharaoh!
06:19Sir Dominic Prick and his magnificent story in Husserunis performed the tragic ancient
06:25Egyptian masterpiece, The Death of the Pharaoh!
06:28Well, that sounds funny!
06:29Oh, no, no, no!
06:29I found that very moving, my lord!
06:31Well, it'd better be funny or prick'll get his comeuppance, I can tell you!
06:34Get off, fuck him!
06:35Well, look, what about Jerry Meriwether and his four chickens?
06:39What do they do?
06:40Lay eggs?
06:41Yes, my lord!
06:43All right, all right!
06:44We'll have them, we'll have them!
06:58What?
06:58What is it, my lord?
07:01The eunuchs.
07:04Oh, dear.
07:05Ha!
07:06I should have known!
07:07Never trust a eunuch!
07:08Well, what are we going to do?
07:09Well, I know what I'm going to do!
07:10Balric!
07:11Give me an execution order!
07:13I'm going to teach them a lesson they'll never forget!
07:15And remove whatever extraneous parts of their bodies still remain!
07:22My lord!
07:23Take that to the Lord Chancellor!
07:24Thank you!
07:25Oh, God!
07:26This is desperate!
07:28Desperate!
07:28We could have the Morris Dancers, my lord!
07:31Now, look, we are not that desperate!
07:35Morris Dancing is the most fetuous tenth-rate entertainment ever devised by man!
07:41Forty effeminate blacksmiths waving bits of cloth they've just wiped their noses on!
07:46How it's still going on this day and age, I'll never know!
07:50Sorry, so do you want them or not?
07:54Look!
07:55Ah!
07:56Ah!
07:57Ah!
07:58Edmund!
08:03And rest!
08:04Oh, Spencer!
08:05How are the rest of the entertainments coming along?
08:07Oh, um, very, very... well, indeed!
08:10Um, I think it's going to have a slightly spartan look!
08:14What?
08:15Greek?
08:16Er, yes, that's right!
08:18Yes, Greek!
08:19Oh, good!
08:20Oh, everyone turning up?
08:21oh absolutely everyone um so many people in fact I'm afraid I've had to let the
08:27eunuchs go oh no no no no no no no no that won't do at all not on st. Leonard's
08:35day because well correct me if I'm wrong Lord Percy but st. Leonard himself was
08:40an eunuch yes that's right that's why I thought it might be more tactful no no
08:54no no no no no to leave out the eunuchs on st. Leonard's day would be like well it
08:58would be like leaving out the Morris dancers although all the bearded women
09:05the king's supreme commander is expected at the feast and as you know
09:10eunuchs are his particular favorite Scottish you see well I'm relying on
09:21you Edmund so some carrot-faced thistle asked Scottish apparently he's a great
09:35warrior no yes I thought they all say those scots they're just barbarians
09:39half of them can't even speak English what do they speak I don't know it's all
09:59like Greek that's a good one my lord it's not meant to be a brain teaser person I can't understand
10:06the blind word they're saying well no wonder my lord you never learned Greek of course
10:12have you ever wondered what your insides look like sometimes my lord yes I'd be perfectly willing to satisfy your
10:21curiosity
10:21is it oh my god this scotchman's beginning to annoy me already I'm the Duke of Edinburgh you know when
10:29Laird of
10:29Brookespress Selkirk and Peaballs I can make things very difficult for them
10:33as for these entertainments I don't know
10:37Baldrick you've got a beard go and get yourself a nice dress
10:40oh right my lord Pathy you'd better go and get Bernard the Bear Baiter
10:46yes my lord looks like we'll be needing him
10:48now Pathy yes my lord tell him to bring a bear this time
10:54improvising last year was pathetic
10:59now your mother the toast to father's return
11:04what the devil
11:08oh my
11:09oh my
11:09oh my
11:19noble Harry Prince of Wales
11:20do go my kangas greet you
11:22and laissez at your feet the spoils of an enemy at war
11:26oh sorry that's uh that's my overnight bag
11:30behold
11:30treasures torn from the torsos of the top
11:35Oh, Macangus, it fills me with joy and hope to see you.
11:39What news of my father the king?
11:41Oh, when I last saw him, he swore he would be back by the feast of St Leonard and die
11:44near Teb.
11:44God forfend, we shall pray for his safe passions.
11:48Join us, join us, you must be starving.
11:50And young Lachinvar.
11:52Oh, yes, and him too.
11:53Come on, Lachinvar.
12:03You must be the king's wee bit of rumpy-pumpy, eh?
12:05I am the king.
12:07Aye, aye.
12:07Once I've got a message for you.
12:09My father asked me to send his regards to you.
12:11Do I know him?
12:13Oh, I think you can say that, yes.
12:15He's Donald Macangus, third Duke of Argyle.
12:21Ah, Edmund, there you are.
12:23Macangus, this is the man who's providing the entertainments for us tomorrow.
12:27Ah, the eunuch.
12:29Delighted to you.
12:31There's a groat for your trouble.
12:33Ah, I am not a eunuch.
12:36Oh, you sound like one to me.
12:38I am not a eunuch.
12:40I am the Duke of Edinburgh.
12:42Oh, you are, are you?
12:43Yes.
12:44Same old story, eh?
12:46Duke of Edinburgh had about as Scottish as the Queen of England's tits.
12:50Oh, sorry, eh.
12:51May offend, Your Majesty.
12:53I'm sorry, you're in my chair.
12:56Don't apologise.
13:00Well, now we've all got to know each other.
13:03I have rather a special announcement to make.
13:05Well, tell me you're a eunuch as well.
13:07Macangus.
13:08As reward for your heroic deeds in battle, my father here empowers me to grant you anything that you may
13:15desire of me.
13:16If you've got any sense, he'll ask for a haircut.
13:20I'm honoured.
13:22All I ask for is a scrap of land.
13:24Grant me fair Selkirk and the noble sire of Roxburgh.
13:26What?
13:28Very well, by the power vested in me.
13:30Excuse me.
13:31I'm sorry to dip my little fly in your ointment, but those lands do in fact belong to me.
13:39Yes.
13:40Well, so perhaps he'd like to choose somewhere else.
13:44Macangus?
13:45Not all of Roxburgh and Selkirk.
13:47But that leaves me with peebles.
13:49Oh, yeah, and peebles.
13:52Are you trying to say something, Edmund?
13:54Well, I don't know.
13:55I mean, some people might say, well, what an absurd idea, giving away half a Scotland to a kilted maniac
14:02for slaughtering a couple of syphilitic Turks.
14:06Oh, my lord, that stinking Scottish weasel.
14:32Why, my lord?
14:32Because he's a thieving, stinking, scuffish weasel.
14:35That's why I...
14:36Oh, I'm going to stab him.
14:38Where?
14:38In the great hall and in the bladder.
14:43But if you do it in front of everybody, won't they suspect something?
14:50Here's a drawback.
14:52Yes, perhaps we need something a little more cunning.
14:58I have a cunning plan.
15:00Yes, perhaps, but I think I may have a more cunning plan.
15:02Oh, mine's pretty cunning, my lord.
15:04Yes, but not cunning enough, I imagine.
15:05Well, it depends how cunning you mean, my lord.
15:07Well, I mean, pretty damn cunning.
15:08How cunning do you think I mean?
15:09Oh, mine's quite cunning, my lord.
15:11All right, then, let's hear it.
15:12Let's hear what's so damn cunning.
15:14Right, well, first of all, you get him to come with you.
15:16Oh, yes, very cunning.
15:18Brilliantly cunning.
15:19I ask him to come with me and then stab him, perhaps.
15:22No cunning in you again.
15:23No, my lord, you get this enormous great cannon.
15:24Oh, I see.
15:26Take him outside, get him to stick his head down a cannon, and then blow it off.
15:30Oh, yes, more bigot.
15:31A wonderful idea.
15:34No.
15:35I think I have a plan that will give us a little more entertainment.
15:40Oh, yes, more entertainment.
15:41Oh, yes, more entertainment.
15:45Oh, yes, more entertainment.
16:14Oh, my God.
17:02Oh, my God.
17:10Um, no, no, I'm fine, thank you.
17:13Good.
17:20I'm not in your way over here.
17:23No.
17:29Oh, there is just one thing.
17:32I was wondering if you could do me a little favor.
17:38Uh-huh.
17:39Um, I was wondering if you'd like to help with the celebrations tonight.
17:44Oh, but stay in the way, do you mean?
17:45Uh-huh.
17:47Uh-huh.
17:48Uh-huh.
17:49Whoa!
17:50Oh, shit!
17:53Um, well, the thing is, um, we were hoping to present a mystery play by one of our leading
18:02thespianic troops.
18:03Um, but unfortunately, one of their number is ill, um, and I thought you'd be the perfect
18:10person to, to take his place.
18:13Well, I warn you.
18:16I'm no actor.
18:19Well, there shouldn't be much acting, uh, required.
18:22Um, it's an ancient, uh, Egyptian piece, uh, called The Death of the Scotsman.
18:33You, uh, you can play the Scotsman, if you like, who, who dies at the end of the play.
18:40Oh, acting dead!
18:41Now that I can do!
18:43Yes, well, as I say, there, there may not be much acting, uh, required.
18:54Oh, and, uh, mind the weasel pit.
18:55Oh, and, uh, mind the weasel pit.
19:31Let's see those branches waving, swaying the breeze.
19:34Oh, tall, tall, now smaller, smaller, smaller, smaller.
19:38Have you made necessary changes?
19:40Yes, my lord.
20:00I'm not bad you know I don't really think they understood it
20:10we three are gathered with most bold intent here by the banks of the graceful Nile
20:17where camels ride and deserts blow to spill the blood of this Scotsman vial
20:24what is a Scotsman doing in Egypt I'm not sure but apparently they've had very good reviews
20:33I let my father on the way back through France probably him and your mother used to
20:39no don't be absurd such activities are totally beyond my mother my father only got anywhere
20:45with her because he told it was a cure for diarrhea don't you believe it I've got some letters I
20:50took
20:51for his tent by God they're hot stuff I'll tell you we certainly catched a wee shadow of doubt
20:56over the parent who the young Harry for a start don't they'll be absurd silence
21:01what a bagpipe strums behold this way our victim comes
21:07oh that's my cute come on letters letters where are these letters
21:11they're safe we're heading away listen I'll show you them later
21:14all right
21:18children come and the person you come not a whit too soon
21:22for is this not the weather fair or this the night of June
21:28aye it is
21:31what business do you mean
21:34quick oh my god my canvas is going to die
21:37little carrot-faced orangutans
21:40leave in Scotsman vial
21:42no no look no look he knows too much
21:46that is why he must die
21:48oh look he mustn't he mustn't he has vital information
21:52I've changed my mind I've changed my mind
21:54oh my god what am I going to do
21:56stop the show my lord
21:57how how
21:58well just say stop
21:59what's our reason what's our reason to stopping the show
22:02because the knives are real and the kangas is just about to get killed
22:06oh you bastard
22:11what am I going to swing
22:12stop
22:17stop
22:19sorry I'm late
22:36good excellent
22:37it's certainly my mother's handwriting
22:39when did you say these words
22:41uh 1460
22:42the year my brother was born
22:44ha ha ha
22:46baldwick
22:47get in here
22:51baldwick
22:51get out there
22:52and tell everyone that the rest of the entertainments have been cancelled
22:55why
22:56why we've not told you to be swimming as a rat
22:58now why have they been cancelled my lord
23:00so has he
23:01well tell them I have a very important announcement to make
23:08does that mean I have to take the dress off
23:10get out get out get out get out get out get out get out get out get out
23:15now have you played your cards right
23:17you could become king
23:19ah yes
23:20one day
23:21ah sooner than you think baby
23:23so last time I saw your father
23:24you just charged any constantinople when they shut the gates on him
23:28no
23:28yes
23:2910,000 of the turk in their arm with scimiters
23:32and your father with a small knife for peeling fruit
23:37oh
23:45Jerry Meriwether
23:47another nail in the coffin of variety
23:51I like Bernard the rabbit baiter
23:54thank you
23:55look Edmund
23:57is this announcement going to take long
23:59I haven't seen height nor hair of a eunuch yet
24:01oh don't worry Harry
24:03it will soon all be over
24:07my dear mother
24:08my dear brother
24:09lords and ladies of the court
24:13today there came into my possession
24:15from the hands my lord of your faithful servant
24:19Dougal McAngles
24:20certain letters
24:22rather extraordinary letters
24:25concerning the lineage of Prince Harry
24:30letters
24:31what is so extraordinary about them
24:34letters
24:35well Harry
24:36they were written
24:36by your mother
24:38to
24:39your father
24:42your father Harry
24:44being of course
24:45Donald
24:45Sir Duke of Argyle
24:47I beg your pardon
24:49these letters are of quite an intimate nature
24:52let me give you an example
24:54Arundel
24:55Thursday
24:56my dear hairy wary
24:58often as you sit at table
25:00with my husband
25:01probing deeply
25:03into the affairs of state
25:05I long for the day
25:06when you will probe
25:08Edmund
25:08are you sure
25:09you know what you're saying
25:10as sure as our mother was Harry
25:12when she wrote
25:13these words
25:14dear big boy
25:16sail south
25:18as you know
25:19your galleon
25:20is always assured
25:21a warm welcome
25:22in my
25:24harbour
25:25big boy
25:26mother
25:27do you know anything about this
25:29well what chance
25:30did I have
25:31I was just a little
25:32foreign girl
25:33then I must renounce
25:35the regency
25:36and high me
25:37to a monastery
25:38Edmund
25:39you shall be regent
25:40until
25:41your father returns
25:43the king
25:43will not be returning
25:45what
25:46oh dear
25:47no
25:47when the changers
25:48last saw him
25:49he was facing
25:51half the Turkish army
25:52armed only
25:53with a small
25:54piece of cutlery
25:55so
25:56I think you'd like
25:57to start things off
25:58the king is dead
26:00long live the king
26:02the king is dead
26:04long live the king
26:05probably dead
26:07the king is probably dead
26:10long live the king
26:12the king is probably dead
26:14long live the king
26:16the king is
26:17not dead
26:19long live the king
26:24Lord
26:25death
26:27war
26:28long live the king
26:30triumph
26:31my
26:36companion in blood
26:38and most trusted friend
26:40you made it
26:41I made it
26:43thanks to my trusty fruit
26:45life
26:53wait a minute
26:56what's going on here
26:59who are you
27:00he's our son
27:02what
27:05yes
27:06of course
27:07clean it
27:10my beloved father
27:12certain letters
27:14have come to light
27:15which might change
27:17things a bit
27:17around here
27:18letters
27:19what letters
27:20they speak of
27:21acts of love
27:22between your wife
27:23and Donald
27:24the gay dog
27:25of the glens
27:26I long to be
27:28in that kingdom
27:29between the saffron sheets
27:30where you and your ruler
27:32are the only ruler
27:34and an act of love
27:36consummated
27:37oh you enormous
27:38Scotsman
27:39and these letters
27:41are dated
27:42November and December
27:431460
27:45which Harry
27:46in relation to your date
27:47of birth
27:48is precisely
27:49nine months
27:51after
27:52I was born
27:56for about
27:57nine months
27:58before
27:59your birth
28:00Edmund
28:00you
28:04bastard
28:05no I think
28:07you're the bastard
28:08Edmund
28:10silence
28:11I want
28:13an explanation
28:15my leech
28:16the reason
28:18I have gathered
28:19you all
28:20here
28:20today
28:21is to try
28:23to get
28:23some proper
28:24justice
28:25meted out
28:25against this
28:26Scottish turd
28:27who has clearly
28:28forged these
28:29obviously fake letters
28:31let me see them
28:32no
28:32I rip them up
28:34in his face
28:34so no hint
28:35of their filthy
28:36slander can remain
28:42you come in here
28:43fresh from slaughtering
28:45a couple of chocos
28:46when their backs
28:47were turned
28:47then you think
28:48you can upset
28:49the harmony
28:50of a whole kingdom
28:51I challenge you
28:52to a duel
28:54to the death
28:55um
28:56yes
28:57all right
28:58excellent idea
28:59after all
29:01it is St. Leonard's Day
29:02there's meant to be
29:03some entertainment
29:06good very good
29:08take
29:09your pleasures
29:23let the killing
29:27begin
29:52come on
29:53come on
29:53wash the hold up
29:54I'll give you
29:56I'll give you
29:56everything I own
29:57everything
29:57uh-huh
29:59I'm hardly a rich man
30:01you're hardly a man
30:02at all
30:05but my horse
30:07must be worth
30:08a thousand ducats
30:09I can sell
30:10my wardrobe
30:11the pride of my life
30:12my swords
30:13my curtains
30:14my socks
30:15and my fighting cocks
30:16my servants
30:18I can live without
30:19except perhaps
30:20he who oils
30:21my rack
30:22and then
30:23my most intimate treasures
30:24my collection of
30:25antique codpieces
30:27my wigs for state occasions
30:29my wigs for private occasions
30:31and my wigs
30:32for humorous occasions
30:34my collection of pokers
30:36my grendel stretchers
30:38my ornamental pumphreys
30:41and of course
30:42my autographed miniature
30:43of Judas Iscariot
30:51that's nowhere near enough
30:55holy kid
30:56actually I'm quite interested
30:59in the wigs
31:05hey
31:06hope life doesn't become
31:08too dull
31:09nobody will be
31:09passed laws
31:10over Scotland
31:13I wouldn't pass
31:15water over
31:16Scotland
31:21we're all
31:22terribly pleased
31:23you're back
31:24father
31:24I'm not
31:25I miss the smell
31:27of blood in my nostrils
31:28and the queen's
31:30got a headache
31:32but we do have
31:33a fascinating week ahead
31:34in fact
31:35the archbishop of York
31:36has asked me
31:37if you'd care to join
31:37his formation
31:38Italian dance class
31:40and I really ought
31:41to give him an answer
31:42do you want me to be honest
31:44or tactful
31:45tactful I think
31:46tell him to get stuffed
31:49has that little hooligan
31:50the kangus left
31:51no
31:52Edmund's giving him
31:53a last look
31:53round the castle now
31:56while
31:57this
31:57well I'll be sorry
31:59to see him go
32:00very interesting
32:01yes and so will
32:03Edmund
32:03they've become
32:04firm friends
32:07the Turks
32:08the drains
32:09father
32:10Harry
32:11there's been
32:12rather
32:13a messy accident
32:14you must come
32:15quickly
32:15oh my god
32:16I should need my plunger
32:25black
32:26beware the deadly flashing blade
32:33unless you want to end up short
32:36Black adder, black adder, he rides a pitch black steed
32:45Black adder, black adder, he's very bad indeed
32:53Black, his glove's the finest mole
32:57Black, his cockpiece made of metal
33:01His horse is blacker than a wool
33:04His horse is blacker than his head
33:09Black adder, black adder, with many a cunning plan
33:17Black adder, black adder, you horrid little man
Comments