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Blackadder S01E04 The Queen of Spain's Beard
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00:23The End
00:23Oh noble Prince, your secret note of love has won my heart.
00:27The castle of my body is yours by right of conquest.
00:33Come, let your tongue dive into the mouth of my mouth
00:38and let your hands take possession of the ramparts of my plumpies.
00:43For I'm yours.
00:46And yours alone.
00:49And I'm yours!
00:51I thought you your brother!
00:54Ow!
00:55Ow!
00:57Ow!
00:58Ow!
00:58Ow!
00:59Ow!
01:00Ow!
01:01Ow!
01:01Ow!
01:03Ow!
01:03Ow!
01:04Ow!
02:25Oh, yes.
02:26Well, get them to dress up as Germans, will you?
02:30Chiswick, remind me to send flowers to the King of France in sympathy for the death of
02:34his son.
02:34The one you had murdered, my lord?
02:36Yes, that's it, fellow.
02:37Father?
02:38My lord?
02:39Will you get away from me?
02:42Harry, the gentle art of diplomacy.
02:46But you know where the real secret of diplomacy lies, don't you, my boy?
02:50Well, actually, I don't, Father, but I would like to know.
02:52There.
02:55Are you sure?
02:56I can't imagine anything of any real interest down there.
02:59Let me explain.
03:00What's that for?
03:01Well, a couple of things.
03:03Correct.
03:03And one of those things is?
03:05Best not mentioned, really.
03:07Right.
03:08And the other is fornication.
03:10And without fornication, there is no marriage.
03:12And without marriage, there is no diplomacy.
03:15Oh, I see.
03:17Very good.
03:18Come on.
03:18Let me explain further.
03:19You see, my boy, I have decided to ally to a nation most threatening to France.
03:24The answer, of course, is, you see, Spain.
03:27And the best way to cement an alliance, of course, is marriage.
03:31Therefore, I have decided that you shall marry the Spanish in Panta.
03:36Oh, congratulations, George.
03:40Actually, I don't think I can.
03:45What?
03:48Why not?
03:49Well, I am already engaged.
03:51What?
03:52Who to, boy?
03:53Princess Leia of Hungary.
03:55And the Grand Duchess Ursula of Brandenburg.
03:58And Queen Beowulfa of Iceland.
04:00And Countess Caroline of Luxembourg.
04:03Bertha of Flanders.
04:04Bertha of Brussels.
04:05Bernard of Saxe-Coburg.
04:06And Jezebel of Estonia.
04:08No.
04:10No, no, no.
04:10Sorry.
04:11That should be Bertha of Saxe-Coburg.
04:14And Jeremy of Estonia.
04:16Damn, damn, damn, damn.
04:19But if I haven't got a son to marry her, then the whole plan falls apart.
04:24Your Majesty.
04:26Yes?
04:28You do have another son, my lord.
04:31What?
04:34My God.
04:35Of course.
04:36You're right.
04:37The slimy one.
04:38What's his name?
04:40Edmund, my lord.
04:41Yes.
04:41Osman.
04:43Osman can marry the Panta.
04:45Yes, sir.
04:46Then, with the Spanish alliance, we can massacre both the Swiss and the French by dividing their
04:54forces into two.
04:55Yes, sir.
04:56Preferably their top halves from their bottom half.
05:10Morning, my lord.
05:12Morning, my lord.
05:12Morning.
05:16My God.
05:18What's happened to your neck?
05:20Um.
05:21Well.
05:23Well.
05:24They're love bites.
05:26They're more like dog bites to me.
05:30Well, yes.
05:32Yes, she was.
05:33Um.
05:33A bit of an animal.
05:36Oh, yes.
05:37Fight to the death, eh?
05:38Oh, yes.
05:39Well, as my tutor old bubble face used to say, make love and be merry, for tomorrow you
05:45may catch some disgusting skin disease.
05:50Actually, I'd be prepared to swear those were dog bites.
05:52They are not dog bites.
05:54But, yes, she was very attractive.
05:57Yeah, a shiny coat, wet nose, clear eyes.
05:59No, Baldrick.
06:01It was a woman.
06:03Fair enough, my lord.
06:05Right.
06:06Now that's sorted out.
06:11Percy, what are we up to today?
06:17Well, my lord.
06:19First, I thought that you and I might get out of a couple of prisoners.
06:25And, actually, I think Baldrick may have a point there.
06:27They do look rather like dog bites.
06:28Yes, yes.
06:28All right.
06:29All right.
06:29All right.
06:29That dog bites.
06:30That dog bites.
06:30I got bitten by a dog.
06:31A woman pushed me up a round part.
06:33Because she thought I was so hideously ugly.
06:35And I got ravaged by a rapey dog.
06:37Does that satisfy you?
06:38Yes, my lord.
06:39Yes.
06:39Good.
06:40Excellent.
06:41Good.
06:42Right.
06:44Yes, Percy, you were saying?
06:46Right, my lord.
06:47Well, I thought that we might say it wasn't a woman.
06:49No, it was a dog.
06:50It was a dog.
06:51It was a bloody great dog.
06:52Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
06:54Right, my lord.
06:55Ah.
06:55Of course, Harry gets all the women, doesn't he?
06:57Shut up.
06:58I never want to hear women mentioned in my company again.
07:01What about dogs?
07:02Or dogs.
07:03Shut up.
07:04I never want to see a woman again.
07:06If any woman wants to talk to me, you can warn her.
07:09The black adder is a venomous reptile, and women are his prey.
07:17Enter.
07:19Unless you're a woman, in which case, prepare to be thrown out of the window with your dog.
07:23I don't.
07:24I bring a message.
07:26Yes, obviously.
07:27You're a messenger.
07:28You are engaged to be married to the Infanta Maria of Spain.
07:34I bring a message.
07:36You are engaged.
07:37Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
07:40Now, come on.
07:41Get out.
07:42Get out.
07:45Out.
07:47Out.
07:51Well, boys.
07:52Did you hear that?
07:55I am to marry the Infanta of Spain.
07:59Yes, my lord.
08:00Tell her, good.
08:01Tell her.
08:01What?
08:02The black adder is a venomous reptile.
08:05No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
08:08This is no ordinary woman, Sabzy.
08:11This is a beautiful royal princess.
08:16Just imagine what the Spanish Infanta must be like.
08:31Ah, bienvenido a nuestro castillo.
08:34Espero que encuentre los desagües a su satisfacción.
08:43In Spanish, it means, welcome to our castle.
08:46I hope you find the drains to your satisfaction.
08:48Well, here you are.
08:49I've jotted it down for you.
08:50It should help you break the ice with the infanta.
08:53Oh, by the way, I don't think you know the Countess Caroline of Luxembourg.
08:58No, how do you do, young lady?
09:01Well, good luck.
09:02Bienvenido a notre chateau, Caroline.
09:05Luxembourg.
09:07Ah, my God, have you ever seen anyone so obviously seething with jealousy?
09:11No, I haven't.
09:12Seize, seize, seize.
09:13If he goes on seething like that much longer, he'll turn into a seize.
09:18Baldrick, what are you talking about?
09:19My Lord.
09:20Yes, what is it?
09:21You know, they do say that the infanta's eyes are more beautiful than the famous stone of Galveston.
09:27Hmm.
09:29The what?
09:30The famous stone of Galveston, my Lord.
09:34And what's that exactly?
09:37Well, it's a famous blue stone.
09:41And it comes from Galveston.
09:47And what about it?
09:49Well, my Lord, the infanta's eyes are bluer than it, for a start.
09:53I see.
09:54And have you ever seen this stone?
09:57No.
09:58Not as such, my Lord.
09:59But I know a couple of people who have, and they say it's very, very bluey.
10:03Gee.
10:03And have these people seen the infanta's eyes?
10:06No, I shouldn't think so, my Lord.
10:08And neither have you, presumably.
10:10No, my Lord.
10:10So what you're telling me, Percy, is that something you have never seen is slightly less blue than
10:16something else.
10:17You have never seen it.
10:22Yes, my Lord.
10:24Percy, in the end, you were about as much rest to me as a human head.
10:29An fiction with which you must be familiar, never actually having had a break.
10:33Hello.
10:35Hello.
10:36Here I am, awaiting the arrival of the most beautiful, ravishing...
10:40Hello.
10:40Look, leave me alone, will you?
10:41I'm trying to talk to someone.
10:43While you're wittering away like a pox-ridden moorhead...
10:48You are the true love of my life, my love, my love.
10:51What?
10:52Percy, in the end, you are the only one for me.
10:56I merely want to hug and kiss you.
10:58Oh, I am the infanta.
11:02What?
11:03No one told me you had a beard.
11:05Must be Jeremy of Estonia.
11:07Yes, the very same...
11:09Well, absolutely.
11:11What?
11:17I have waited for this moment all my life.
11:20Oh, my love.
11:24Your nose is smaller than I expected.
11:27I have suffered no similar disappointment.
11:31Oh, Lord, me.
11:33Oh, Lord, me.
11:34My love, my love.
11:43Me gustan tus labios.
11:45Your lips, I like.
11:48Esto de tu cuerpo lo que me interese.
11:51It is the rest of your body I wish to find out more about.
12:03My Lord, news.
12:04What?
12:05The Spanish infanta has arrived.
12:06Ah, good news.
12:07Soon we will have Spain in our grip.
12:09My Lord, news.
12:10What?
12:11The King of France sends his greetings.
12:12Ah, good news.
12:13My diplomacy triumphs.
12:15My Lord, no.
12:16What?
12:17Lord Wessex is dead.
12:19Ah!
12:20This news is not so good.
12:23Pardon, my Lord?
12:23I like it not.
12:24Bring me some other news.
12:26Pardon, my Lord?
12:27I like not this news.
12:29Bring me some other news.
12:30Yes, my Lord.
12:36My Lord, news.
12:37What?
12:38Lord Wessex is not dead.
12:39Ah, good news.
12:41Let there be joy and celebration.
12:43Let jubilation reign.
12:44Yes, my Lord.
12:45Oh, yes.
12:46And tell Osmond that a father strengthened ties with Spain.
12:50He marries tomorrow.
12:51Yes, my Lord.
12:55Shizik.
12:56Fresh horses.
13:02Oh, my God.
13:03In 24 hours, I'll be married to a walrus.
13:07My Lord, you can't just knock her out, you know.
13:09Well, you may be right.
13:13But that should hold her for at least a minute.
13:16Wait a moment, my Lord.
13:18I think I may have a plan to get you out of this marriage.
13:22Yes, but it's a stupid plan, Percy.
13:24Let's face it.
13:26Oh, well, yes.
13:27Yes, maybe you're right.
13:28But tell me what it is anyway.
13:30Ah, no.
13:31Actually, I don't think I'll bother, my Lord.
13:33Oh, please.
13:33Please.
13:34Tell me what your plan is.
13:35Please tell me.
13:36Please tell me.
13:37All right.
13:40I go along to the infanta's room and tell her that you've gone mad.
13:46She comes to the door and you meet her disguised as a little pig.
13:54And then, this is the cunning word.
13:58Instead of saying, oink, oink, you say, moo.
14:06Then?
14:09Well, then she'll know you're mad and leave.
14:15Oh, yes, you might pass here from the bottom.
14:17My Lord.
14:19What?
14:20I also have a plan.
14:22Yes?
14:23Why not make her think you prefer the company of men?
14:27I do, Paul Brick.
14:28I do.
14:28No, no, my Lord.
14:29I mean, um, the, uh, intimate company of men.
14:39You don't mean like the Earl of Doncaster.
14:44I mean just like the Earl of Doncaster.
14:48That great radish.
14:50That steaming great left footer.
14:53The Earl of Doncaster, Balbrick, has been riding side saddles since he was 17.
14:58Mm, who would marry the Earl of Doncaster?
15:01Well, no one would.
15:03Brilliant.
15:04Of course, no one would marry the Earl of Doncaster.
15:08Except perhaps the Duke of Beaufort.
15:13What are we going to do?
15:14Well, first we've got to get you looking right.
15:16Right.
15:16We just need to drape something effeminate around your shoulders.
15:20Either of the Beaufort twins should do.
15:29Right.
15:30Perfect.
15:31Now, all you need to do is practice with Percy.
15:36Practice.
15:37What?
15:39Presentation, my Lord.
15:40You stand over here.
15:42And, my Lord, just there.
15:44Right, now, Percy,
15:46Lord Edmund is going to try and make himself, uh, attractive to you.
15:54You know, like, like the Earl of Doncaster.
15:57Good Lord.
15:59Hmm.
15:59Oh, well, fair enough.
16:01Oh, and no, you act normal.
16:04I'm the Earl of Doncaster.
16:06It's me.
16:08Right.
16:09Right.
16:11Go.
16:39Oh, my God, this is impossible.
16:41I can't do this.
16:42Never mind.
16:43I've got a couple more things might help.
16:45Oh, Percy.
16:46Percy, what am I going to do?
16:48Well, perhaps we could try and strike up a conversation.
16:52Right.
16:53Um.
16:56Hello there.
16:58Uh.
16:59Hello.
17:00How are you?
17:02I'm fine.
17:04Have you heard?
17:05Prince Edmund's going to marry the Spanish Infanta.
17:07No, he don't want to listen.
17:09And anyone who's done that, I want to get away.
17:10Oh, you hear me?
17:14Yes, that's the kind of thing.
17:22Look out.
17:23Here she comes.
17:27Morning, Doncaster.
17:30Chiswick.
17:31Take this to the Queen of Naples.
17:33What is it, my lord?
17:34The King of Naples.
17:35Read it in English.
17:38Right.
17:39Quick.
17:39Quick.
17:42Oh, my God.
17:44Ah.
17:45Some, uh, lark for the stag party, what?
17:48Um.
17:49Yes.
17:50Yes, that's right.
17:51I don't think you've met the Grand Duchess Ursula of Brandenburg.
17:54I know.
17:56How do you do, Ursula?
17:58Actually, I wanted to have a word with you about my speech at the wedding feast.
18:01I thought perhaps I'd go for a fruit motif.
18:04Yes.
18:05Something like, uh, it is with extraordinary pleasure that we welcome you.
18:10May you be the apple of your husband's eye.
18:13And may he, in turn, cherries you.
18:18Cherish, you see.
18:19Oh.
18:21Even though it's an oranged marriage.
18:25What do you think?
18:28Brilliant.
18:29Quite, quite brilliant.
18:31Yes, I thought it was rather good.
18:32I'm hoping to squeeze in a banana by the end of the day.
18:35Welcome, my lord.
18:37It's a schloss.
18:40Okay, my lord.
18:41This is it.
18:42Right.
18:47Oh, mother, for Christ's sake, it's what you want.
18:50Oh, nothing, nothing.
18:52But, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it.
19:05It's working, it's working.
19:12Oh, I embrace and love you utterly.
19:16Oh, I embrace and love you utterly.
19:30Oh, what a love, what a love, what a love, what a love.
19:32Oh, you fool.
19:34Oh.
19:35Look at the two love birds.
19:37One love bird and one love elephant.
19:40It's almost as if they were married already.
19:43What did you say?
19:45It's almost as if you were married already.
19:48I think I thought you said.
19:52Boys.
19:53What's my last example?
19:55I think I have another.
19:56Oh, my God.
20:01Oh, God.
20:05Oh.
20:06Oh, God.
20:16Oh, God.
20:34is she the best you could do i mean i am marrying the woman yes i know but it's only
20:40for a couple
20:40of days isn't it yes that's true come on hurry up father yes yes very well um we are gathered
20:48here
20:48oh gracious lord to bear witness at very short notice to the marriage of these two god-fearing
20:56christians edmund duke of edinburgh and tully applebottom is that right yes that's right
21:06oh emma would have thought it the duke of edinburgh consumed with passion whisks away little tummy
21:18come on get up with it yes very well uh are you edmund duke of edinburgh no i'm a bowl
21:25of soup
21:28come on hurry up hurry up hurry up and are you miss tally applebottom mrs mrs
21:42ah well never mind get off with it father come on yes but surely no the church is never going
21:48to
21:48progressive it isn't just a bit adaptable yes but this is most unusual although mind you hasn't
21:54the church always dealt with the unusual and the miracle with the fishes for example now we continue
22:00so no one knows any cause or just impediment why these persons may not be joined together in holy
22:05much money no no no no no no yes oh and uh you are mr applebottom you are the father
22:15of the bride
22:16no i'm the husband of the bride oh this is my husband thomas thomas this is my fiancee the duke
22:24of edinburgh prince edmund this is thomas thomas this is father o smith i called about the ducking
22:33stool firm mr applebottom i was just wondering whether i could possibly have a temporary arrangement
22:38with with with your good lady i only need her for for a very short stint
22:43girl look look look you stupid pen and all i want to do is marry your wife girl oh that
22:52was the duke
22:53of edinburgh you know no that would be the earl of doncaster
23:04well this is nice to have a little talk about a lady's face just the two of us
23:18senora hableme de los hombres ingleses so tell me uh mrs queen about english man
23:25oh well they they spend most of their time with animals you know and with other men but oh when
23:33they do come to the women they only want one thing okay and what is that well it's a kind
23:41of pudding
23:42made with bread and butter and raisins and of course the other thing
23:51and what is the other thing oh well custard
24:01now edmund what's he like
24:08i told you this pudding
24:10no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no what is he
24:29like
24:31oh yeah well it's like a little rabbit really
24:45oh mommy mommy how much i love him
24:51i would never have believed that my stag party would be like this
24:58the most depressing night of the mind
25:03well my lord at least you can take solace from one thing
25:07what's that be pretty sure your wife's a virgin
25:11at least there are no living witnesses to the contrary
25:16if she wasn't we might still stand a chance officially you've still got to be a virgin
25:22right
25:25what my lord
25:29oh
25:31oh no
25:34no
25:35no
25:37yes
25:39yes
25:39yes
25:42please my lord i'm going to make you to reconsider
25:45walbec if there was any other way you know i'd take it
25:48but i'll die in there
25:50don't worry we'll give you a hero's funeral
25:53bury you at sea say you died in combat with an enemy vessel
25:58right there we are go on in you go little boy with big job to do
26:04go get the king
26:07get the king
26:23infanta
26:28Edmondo!
26:33Edmondo!
26:34Oh, Edmond, my love!
26:41My Lord!
26:42Your Majesty!
26:43What?
26:45I bring the gravest of news.
26:48What?
26:49Have armies on the Rhine been slaughtered to a man?
26:52And their heads cut off?
26:54And melted cheese poured down their nostrils
26:56in the traditional Swiss manner?
26:58No, my Lord.
27:03Don't hold back, please, my little wife.
27:06Will you make the news of a Russian royal family
27:09mistaken for bison due to their excessive winter clothing
27:12and hunted down, chopped to pieces,
27:14and eaten as little sweets by Mongolian bandits?
27:18No, my Lord.
27:19Help!
27:22Securo!
27:23Well, what then?
27:25My Lord,
27:27the Spanish Infanta is not a virgin.
27:31Oh!
27:32Oh, yes, I know that!
27:34My...
27:35Her uncle tell me!
27:36Again, please!
27:38We took 500 off the dowry because of it!
27:41But I thought...
27:42Only one of you has to be a virgin!
27:47Anything else?
27:50Anything else?
27:53Anything else?
27:58He...
27:59He...
28:00He...
28:00He...
28:03He...
28:19Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of our Lord to witness the marriage
28:27of two God-fearing Christians. Are you Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh? Yes, I am. And are you Maria Escalo Serfiana
28:39in France? Yes, you stupid person, hurry up. I wish to entwine him again in my broad thighs. Marriage is
28:52in the holy state conceived by God. If any man here knows just
28:57cause why they may not be married, let him speak now or forever hold his peace. Now's your chance. So
29:08be it. Oh, thanks a lot. Come on!
29:12Shut up! Do you, Edward Pantagenet? Take Maria Escalo. Oh, don't shut up! To be all awful wedded life, to
29:21heaven hold, to cherish and to delight, to chastise and to beat until death.
29:27Until death do you pass. Speak up! Can't hear a thing back here!
29:33I do. Still come here! I do, I do, I do! Do you, Maria Escalo Serfiana? Yes, yes, yes! Oh,
29:46no! I then pronounce you... Stop! Christ!
29:51I bring absolutely unbelievable news that must halt the wedding!
29:57What? Have the Swiss and French made sudden peace with each other at a mountain pass rendezvous,
30:03then forged the clandestine alliance with Spain, thus leaving us without friends in Europe,
30:08unless by chance we make an immediate pact with Hungary?
30:16Yes!
30:17Yes! As I thought!
30:20Have any Hungarian princesses in the castle?
30:23Oh, yes, Father. I think I've got one.
30:25Um, yes, Princess Leia of Hungary.
30:29What's she like?
30:30Uh, Leia is, uh, young and beautiful.
30:34Her eyes are like opals and her hair a cascade of perfect chestnut.
30:38Oh, well, that sounds all right, doesn't it?
30:39Get passed! Get passed!
30:41Excuse me, what is happening, please?
30:43Call her into the court!
30:45And ask for that great Spanish dumpling there!
30:49Get her out of my sight at once!
30:52Or I'll eat her!
30:54Gah!
30:55I love her side, you side, mate!
30:58Sorry, what can I do?
30:59Politics?
31:00Come on!
31:02Where is she? Where is she?
31:04Where is Princess Leia?
31:13Ah!
31:13Ah, good!
31:15Good!
31:16Asmode!
31:17It's your new wife!
31:19Hello, Edmund!
31:22Are we getting married now?
31:24Yes, yes, I believe we are.
31:27Come on, then.
31:41Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today.
31:55And so it came to pass that the big bear had to leave all his friends and go to live
32:03in a land far away where the elves and the fairies would look after him until the day that he
32:12died.
32:13Oh, that was lovely, Edmund.
32:17What a happy story.
32:21Isn't it time to put the light out?
32:24Yes, my dear, I think it is.
32:26It must be at least six o'clock.
32:31The sound of hoofbeats crossed the glade
32:35Good folk, lock up your son and daughter
32:39Beware the deadly flashing blade
32:42Unless you want to end up shorter
32:49Blackadder, Blackadder
32:51He rides a pitch black steed
32:55Blackadder, Blackadder
32:59He's very bad indeed
33:02Black, his gloves are finest mould
33:07Black, his cutpiece made of metal
33:11His horse is blacker than a vole
33:15His pot is blacker than his kettle
33:22Blackadder, Blackadder
33:23With many a cunning plan
33:30Blackadder, Blackadder
33:31You horrid little man
33:37Can I have a drink of water, please?
33:41Yes, yes, yes, all right.
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