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Blackadder S01E03 The Archbishop

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00:04England, November 1487.
00:07The battle between the church and the crown continues to rage,
00:11and the Duke of Winchester, the greatest landowner in England, is dying.
00:17Dying, my lord.
00:20Am I dying?
00:22Never.
00:23Never.
00:25Yet, my son, to pass away the idle hours till your recovery.
00:30I just imagine you yourself were to pass away.
00:34To whom would you leave your lands?
00:36Why, to me, of course.
00:40Yes, to my beloved king.
00:44May your filthy soul be prepared for hell, my son.
00:49Hell?
00:50Yes, hell.
00:51Where Satan delts his fire, and ignominious devils break wind both night and day.
00:58And where the mind is never free from the torrents of remorse,
01:02and your bottom never free from the pricking of little thoughts.
01:07No!
01:08Spare me the little fool.
01:10Oh, what is this nonsense?
01:13Hell, where the softest bits of your nether regions are everybody else's favorite lunch.
01:20Oh, my...
01:21Forgive me, sire.
01:24I will change my will, and leave my land to the church.
01:31What?
01:34Blessed be thy stainless soldier.
01:38Ah, you will change your mind later.
01:41I know it.
01:48I think not.
01:51Ah!
02:03Oh.
02:06Oh.
02:09Oh.
02:11Oh, oh.
02:13Oh.
02:13Oh, oh.
02:34Ah, what news?
02:36Well, my lord, an informed source tells me that the Duchess of Gloucester's given birth to twin goblins.
02:40No, no, no, I'm not the Duke of Winchester.
02:42Oh, he's still hanging on.
02:44He must be on his last legs by now, my lord.
02:46Yes, but have me sets of legs of that man, God.
02:48Oh, really, how does he make up his mind?
02:50Either he dies or he lives forever.
02:52It's this shilly-shallying that's so undignified.
02:57My lord, I come with tragic news.
03:00What, died at last, has he?
03:02Oh, my lord.
03:03Oh, I see.
03:04Now the idea is that you ask me what the message is before you came to me.
03:08Quite brilliant, I must say.
03:11I was referring to the Duke of Winchester.
03:14Oh, my lord.
03:16Wait, let's try to sort this out in words of one syllable, shall we?
03:20Someone has died, yes?
03:22Yes, my lord.
03:23Who is it that has died?
03:25The Archbishop of Canterbury, my lord.
03:28Are you a critic?
03:29Yes, my lord.
03:30The Archbishop of Canterbury?
03:33Oh, no, the king has done it again.
03:36That's the third this year.
03:38How did this one die?
03:39Horribly, my lord.
03:41Any details?
03:42Horribly is all I was given.
03:44Ah, there you are.
03:45My lord, I come with tragic news.
03:47I've heard it.
03:48Will you go away?
03:50Oh, dear.
03:51Edmund, the Archbishop of Canterbury has met with the most tragic accident.
03:55There seems to be some confusion, but I think I've fathomed out how it came about.
03:58Yes, I think I've got a pretty shrewd idea myself.
04:01You see, Archbishop Godfrey was coming out of the Duke of Winchester's room.
04:05Who had just died, leaving all his lands to the church?
04:08Well, as a matter of fact, yes.
04:09And so the king was really after his blood, presumably.
04:12Well, I dare say.
04:12But the point of the matter is that at that moment, round the corner, came Sir Tavis Mortimer.
04:17The king's hired killer?
04:19No, no, no, no, no.
04:20Mortimer, that tall, rather striking fellow with no ears.
04:23Yes, that's it.
04:24Well, he came round the corner, saw the Archbishop, and rushed towards him with his head bowed
04:29in order to receive his blessing and, uh, and unfortunately killed him stone dead.
04:34How?
04:35Mortimer was wearing a Turkish helmet.
04:37Oh, I see, yes.
04:38One of those with the two-feet spike coming out of the top?
04:41Yes, one of those things they normally use for butting their enemies in the stomach and
04:44killing them stone dead.
04:45Yes, so, presumably, he'd forgotten he was wearing it.
04:50You know, that's exactly what the poor fellow had done.
04:53A tragic accident.
04:54Tragic.
04:55Ah, yes.
04:56Almost as tragic as Archbishop Bertram being struck by a falling gargoyle while swimming
05:01off beachy heads.
05:02I was a creature and nearly as tragic as poor old Archbishop Wilfred slipping and falling
05:08backwards onto the spire of Norwich Cathedral.
05:11Oh, Lord, you do work in mysterious ways.
05:15I just don't know how I'm going to break it to his catamite.
05:19What a tragic accident, my lord.
05:23Accident, my coddling.
05:27Who do you think will take over?
05:28Oh, I don't know.
05:29It'll be one of the bishop fellows, I should imagine.
05:32They tend to go for religious types.
05:34Rumour has it, my lord, that the king wants to choose Prince Harry.
05:38Really?
05:40Prince Harry Archbishop, my lord.
05:44Claude!
05:45Prince Harry Archbishop!
05:47And we all know what happens to Archbishops, don't we?
05:51Yes, they go to Canterbury.
05:57Oh, yes.
06:01Are you sure about your sauce, Ulrich?
06:02Yeah, it was Jane Smart.
06:04You know, she was the one who told me about the Duchess of Kent and the Chocolate Chastity Bill.
06:10Well, with Harry gone,
06:14the black attar will be
06:18king
06:20next.
06:22Today could be one of the most important days of my life so far.
06:25Percy, I shall require my most splendid garments for the ceremony.
06:29Certainly, my lord.
06:30Hat, my lord.
06:32Trojan, I think.
06:33Boots, my lord.
06:34The Italian.
06:35And codpiece, my lord.
06:36Well, let's go for the black Russian.
06:40Harry, it always terrifies the clergy.
06:44Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
06:58No, really, ma'am.
06:59Apparently, Lord Will does is keep his sheep in his bedroom but nothing on the appointment.
07:03Fair enough.
07:11You're dressed like a diligent woman.
07:14Like what, sorry?
07:16Well, this enormous nonsense here.
07:21Fingers crossed.
07:26Members of the court and clergy.
07:29I have, at last, after careful consultation with the Lord God,
07:36his son, Jesus Christ, and his insubstantial friend, the Holy Ghost,
07:42decided upon the next archbishop.
07:48May he last longer in his post than his predecessors.
07:55I appoint to the Holy See of Canterbury
08:00my own son,
08:05Edwin Duke-Amedicra.
08:10Archbishop,
08:12be salute.
08:15Congratulations,
08:15to the De-De-De-De-De-De-De-De-De-De-De-De-De-De-De-De-De-De
08:17-De-De-De-De!
08:34Very good.
08:37Well done.
08:38Well done, Harry.
08:40Enter.
08:42Ah,
08:43your majesty.
08:44Ah, my lord archbishop.
08:47There were just a couple of points
08:48about my appointment
08:50before things really
08:52firmed up.
08:53Yes?
08:54Personally,
08:55couldn't I...
08:55No, you couldn't.
08:56Go find.
08:58Don't be mistaken about this appointment,
09:00Edward.
09:01I've always despised you.
09:03Well, you are my father, of course.
09:05I mean, you're biased.
09:08You,
09:09compared to your beloved brother, Harry,
09:13are as excrement is compared to cream.
09:16Oh, my lord, you flatter me.
09:18And me also.
09:20So now, my boy,
09:21when I've at last found a use for you,
09:23don't try to get out of it.
09:25No, no, no, no, no.
09:26No, certainly not.
09:27I just wondered
09:28whether perhaps another man,
09:30um,
09:31equally weak-willed and feeble,
09:33might do just as well.
09:35Ha!
09:36There's no such man!
09:37Oh, no.
09:38No, of course not.
09:40Silly me.
09:41Uh, I...
09:42I thought, though,
09:43perhaps, you know,
09:44someone who believed in God.
09:45No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
09:47If I needed someone
09:48who believed in God,
09:49I'd have chosen Harry!
09:52Not an embarrassing
09:53little weed like you!
09:55Oh!
09:56Well, I think that's
09:57everything cleared up.
09:59Goodness!
10:00It must be almost time
10:01to read the song.
10:02It must be going.
10:04Egbert!
10:09Come here.
10:20A word of advice.
10:23If you cross me now,
10:26or ever,
10:27I shall do unto you
10:29what God did unto the Sodomites.
10:31Oh, my lord,
10:32I don't think that's
10:32a very good idea.
10:33Well, I shall make myself
10:36available for all
10:39eventualities.
10:41Thank you so much.
10:53Flee!
10:58We've got the
10:59thumb screws,
11:00the foot crusher,
11:02the nose hooks,
11:03those long rods,
11:05you're...
11:08where's the dwarf?
11:09Here we go.
11:12Right, let's go.
11:13Arch, bishop!
11:19Hail.
11:21Going somewhere?
11:22Where?
11:24Um...
11:25Yes.
11:28Where?
11:31Can...
11:32Canterbury?
11:34Where?
11:35Good!
11:36Howdy here,
11:37with a come new.
11:39I would hate to see you
11:40murdered before
11:41your investiture.
11:45Jajam!
11:47Fresh horses!
11:48My lord,
11:50if we're going to catch
11:51the boat to France,
11:52you'll have to hurry.
11:53Um,
11:53the boat to France?
11:55Um,
11:56you off to France,
11:57Percy?
11:59I thought we all were.
12:00No, no,
12:02Harry and I
12:02are off to Canterbury.
12:04Aren't we, Harry?
12:07Oh, I see.
12:09You've changed your plan.
12:11No, no,
12:12no, not really.
12:13The only change is
12:14if you could go
12:15and put your face
12:16in some manure
12:17and follow
12:18in a reasonable distance.
12:20That would be fine.
12:21Great.
12:23And another thing
12:24that bothers me,
12:25your grace,
12:25suppose my right hand
12:27offends me
12:28and I cut it off.
12:29Well,
12:30wouldn't my left hand
12:31offends me as well?
12:33I mean,
12:34what do I cut it off with?
12:37Ah, yes.
12:38Yes, that is a lot of sea.
12:39Yes.
12:53Where was that?
12:54I don't know.
12:55But that tall fellow,
12:57he had a face full of manure.
13:00That's what I call style.
13:11Do Edmund,
13:13Duke of Edinburgh,
13:14believe in God the Father,
13:17God the Son,
13:19and God the Holy Ghost?
13:24Ah, yes.
13:26I then name thee
13:28Archbishop of Canterbury
13:30and primate of all England.
13:39Ah, yes.
13:41Ah, yes.
13:53Is investiture over,
13:56Archbishop Edmund the Unwilling
13:58swiftly adopted
13:59the ways of the cloth.
14:01But ever the shadow
14:03of his father's threat
14:04hung over him
14:04until at last,
14:06one day.
14:06Tell me,
14:07Brother Bordick,
14:08exactly what did
14:09God do to the Sodomites?
14:11I don't know,
14:12my lord.
14:12I can't imagine
14:13it was worse
14:13than what they used
14:14to do to each other.
14:20Oh, my God,
14:21this is it!
14:22Bordick,
14:23go and get
14:24my lord Bishop
14:25of Ramsgate.
14:25Right?
14:26Get Percy,
14:27get Percy!
14:28Get Percy!
14:31My life
14:32is hanging
14:33by a thread.
14:41And if I don't
14:43leave my lands
14:44to the church,
14:45then what?
14:46Then,
14:47Lord Graveney,
14:48you will assuredly
14:49go to hell.
14:51Alas!
14:52Hell,
14:53where the air
14:54is pungent
14:55with the aroma
14:56of roasted
14:57behind.
14:58No.
14:59No.
15:02I place my lands
15:03in the hands
15:05of the church
15:07and so
15:08bid the world
15:09farewell.
15:12What?
15:14Shh!
15:14The archbishop
15:15not yet arrived?
15:16Not yet,
15:17and even if he
15:18did arrive...
15:18Wait!
15:20Too late!
15:21Get out of my way!
15:22I have killed
15:23the pair of you!
15:24I have killed
15:25your brother!
15:26I'll abolish
15:27the church!
15:28My lord!
15:29My lord!
15:29Ah!
15:30I said out!
15:32Get out!
15:33My lord!
15:34My lord!
15:35My lord!
15:36Wake up!
15:37Wake up!
15:39Wake up!
15:40Ah!
15:41Ah!
15:42Ah!
15:42Ah!
15:42Ah!
15:42Ah!
15:43Ah!
15:43Am I in paradise?
15:45No!
15:46No, not yet!
15:47Then this must be hell!
15:49Alas!
15:50Spare my posterior!
15:51No, no, you're all right!
15:54It's England!
15:55And you are not Satan?
15:57No, I'm the archbishop
15:58of Canterbury!
15:59Oh, your gracious,
16:00your grace!
16:02I have left all my lands
16:03to the church!
16:04Am I to be saved?
16:06No, you treacherous swine!
16:08I'm...
16:09Ah!
16:09Wait, wait!
16:10Wait!
16:11Let's...
16:11Let's just take this
16:13through in stages,
16:14shall we?
16:17Um...
16:17You know, the church
16:18doesn't really need
16:20you, poor man!
16:21Now, what it makes
16:22is a damn good thrasher!
16:23But if I do not gain
16:25its blessing,
16:26I will surely
16:27go to hell!
16:29Hell?
16:29We're tiny tweezers!
16:31Get out!
16:34Someone like you
16:35go to hell?
16:37Never!
16:38Never!
16:39But I have committed
16:40many sins!
16:41Oh, well, haven't we all?
16:42Haven't we all?
16:42I murdered my father!
16:44I know how you feel.
16:46Oh, yes!
16:48Hurry up, pack-back!
16:49And I have committed
16:51adultery...
16:52Well, who hasn't?
16:53...more than a thousand
16:55times...
16:56Well, it is 1487.
16:58...with my mother...
17:00What?
17:01You see, I will
17:03go to hell.
17:05Hell?
17:05Where no slight turnips
17:07pull out
17:08with the nose in the ears!
17:09Kill that pressure!
17:13Well, let's take hell.
17:16You know, hell isn't as bad
17:18as it's cracked up to be.
17:20What?
17:21No, no, no, no.
17:22No, you see,
17:23the thing about heaven
17:24is that heaven
17:25is for people
17:26who like the sort of things
17:28that go on in heaven.
17:30Like, well,
17:31singing,
17:32talking to God,
17:34watering pot plants.
17:36Well, hell, on the other hand,
17:38is for people
17:39who like
17:40the other sorts of things.
17:42Adultery,
17:44pillage,
17:45torture,
17:46those areas.
17:49Really?
17:50Hmm!
17:50Leave your lands
17:51to the crown,
17:52and once you're dead,
17:53you will have
17:54the time of your life.
17:55Adultery,
17:56pillage,
17:57through all eternity.
17:59Yep!
18:00This heaven
18:01now steaks
18:02against your tender portions.
18:05Oh, hello!
18:06Well, Ravenny,
18:08Lord,
18:09this is happy.
18:09Very well.
18:10I leave my lands
18:12to the crown,
18:14and my soul
18:15in the hands
18:16of the Lord.
18:17May he treat me
18:18like the piece of refuse
18:20that I am
18:20and send me to hell.
18:24Amen!
18:25Amen!
18:25You're a very lucky man.
18:27I wish I could be
18:28coming with you,
18:29but, you know,
18:30being Archbishop,
18:30I'm so sorry.
18:32Yeah, that's all right.
18:33Ah!
18:41My son!
18:44Father!
18:47Father!
18:48My son!
18:53Who's that?
18:54Look like the kind of peril
18:56would kill the Archbishop
18:57of Canterbury today.
18:59Technical.
19:00Are you
19:01tax-restered?
19:03You tax-restered!
19:04You tax-restered!
19:06Mother, it's me!
19:08Pax!
19:08Oh, yes, of course.
19:10Sorry, Harry.
19:10You're improving.
19:12Yes.
19:12Well, thank you, Father.
19:14Good night, Mother.
19:17He's gaining on me.
19:18He's gaining on me!
19:21And how was Edmund?
19:23Oh, well, well,
19:23very well.
19:25Chiswick!
19:26Fresh horse!
19:28And how are
19:28his dear little sheep?
19:32Who's sheep?
19:33Edmund's sheep.
19:35What sheep?
19:37The early ones
19:38at Canterbury.
19:39His flock
19:40that he was talking about.
19:48I can't understand it.
19:50Edmund doesn't even
19:51like religion.
19:53That's impossible.
19:55He's the Archbishop
19:56of Canterbury.
19:57Yes.
19:58And the Archbishop
19:59of Canterbury
19:59is also a naughty
20:00little boy
20:01whose bottom
20:02I had to smack
20:03for relieving himself
20:04in default.
20:05That was a long time ago.
20:08It was last Thursday.
20:16Hell!
20:17The boys turned out well.
20:20A long
20:20and healthy life
20:22to him.
20:27Ah!
20:28Ah!
20:31I thank God
20:32that in my lifetime
20:33never again
20:34shall I have to say
20:36who will rid me
20:37of this turbulent priest.
20:41And what is that?
20:42It's something
20:43that my ancestor
20:44Henry II
20:45once said
20:46when he was having
20:46trouble with
20:47Thomas Obeckitt.
20:48He was sitting
20:48at a table like this
20:49with two drunken knights
20:51and he yelled out
20:52who will rid me
20:53of this turbulent priest.
20:57What?
20:59Oh God save us.
21:01I said
21:02who will rid me
21:04of this turbulent priest?
21:06You mean who?
21:07The Archbishop
21:09of Canterbury
21:10of course.
21:13Well they went
21:14straight off
21:15and killed him
21:16of course.
21:22Right.
21:23Now let's get
21:23down to business
21:24shall we?
21:25Business, my mum?
21:25Yes.
21:26Baldrick has been
21:26looking at some
21:27of the ways
21:27we can actually
21:28make a bit of money
21:29on this job.
21:31Basically there appear
21:32to be four major
21:33profit areas.
21:35Curses,
21:36pardons,
21:37relics
21:37and selling
21:38the sexual favours
21:39of nuns.
21:40Selling the sexual favours
21:41of nuns?
21:41You mean some people
21:42actually pay for them?
21:44Oh foreign businessmen
21:45and other nuns.
21:46Oh well let's just
21:46do it.
21:48Right.
21:49Well now this is
21:49a fair selection.
21:51Basically you seem
21:52to get what you pay for.
21:53They run all the way
21:54from this one
21:54which is a pardon
21:55for talking with
21:56your mouth full
21:57signed by an
21:58apprentice curate
21:59in Tewkesbury.
22:00How much is that?
22:01Two pebbles.
22:02All the way up
22:03to this one
22:04which is a pardon
22:05for anything whatsoever
22:06including murder,
22:07adultery
22:08or dismemberment
22:09of a close friend
22:10or relative.
22:11Who's that signed by?
22:12Both popes.
22:15Curses are
22:16pretty much the same
22:17really.
22:17I've got this one
22:18for half an egg.
22:21Curse.
22:22Dear enemy,
22:23I curse you
22:24and hope that
22:25something slightly
22:26unpleasant happens
22:27to you like an onion
22:28falling on your head.
22:30Well that is
22:30the bottom end
22:31of the market.
22:32They run all the way
22:33to this one
22:33for four ducats.
22:35Dear enemy,
22:36may the Lord
22:36hate you
22:37and all your kind.
22:38May you be turned
22:39orange in hue
22:40and may your head
22:42fall off
22:42at an awkward moment.
22:45Does this work?
22:46Really?
22:47Yes.
22:47Really?
22:48No.
22:51Moving on to relics,
22:53we've got shrouds
22:54from Turin.
22:57Wine
22:58from the wedding
22:59at Cana.
23:00Splinters
23:01from the cross.
23:02and of course
23:03there's
23:04little stuff
23:05made by Jesus
23:06in his days
23:06in the carpentry shop.
23:07We've got
23:08pipe racks,
23:10coffee tables,
23:11cake stands,
23:13bookings,
23:15crucifixes,
23:16nice cheese board,
23:19fruit bowls,
23:20waterproof sandals.
23:23I haven't finished
23:24this one yet.
23:24But this is
23:25disgraceful,
23:26my Lord.
23:26All of these
23:26are obviously fake.
23:27Yes.
23:29But how will people
23:30be able to tell
23:31the difference
23:31between these
23:32and the real relics?
23:33They won't.
23:34That's the point.
23:35Well, you won't be able
23:36to fool everyone.
23:41I have here
23:43a true relic.
23:45What is it?
23:47It's a bone
23:49from the finger
23:50of our Lord.
23:51It cost me
23:5231 pieces of silver.
23:55Good Lord.
23:56Is it real?
23:57It is, my Lord.
24:00Baldrick,
24:00you stand amazed?
24:01Ah.
24:02I thought they only
24:03came in boxes
24:04at ten.
24:04I think they're
24:05in my mind
24:10for a really
24:11quick sale.
24:12You can't beat
24:13a nose.
24:14For instance,
24:15this is the
24:15sacred appendage
24:16compendium party
24:17pack.
24:18You get Jesus'
24:19nose,
24:20St. Peter's
24:21nose,
24:22a couple of
24:23St. Francis'
24:23nose,
24:24and,
24:25oh no,
24:26they're Joan
24:27and Arx.
24:28Bastard
24:29Virgil!
24:30I'll show
24:31him!
24:35I'll show
24:36him!
24:39Hey you.
24:40Hey you.
24:42And, um,
24:43and what can I
24:43do for you?
24:44Well,
24:45we're here
24:46to murder
24:47the Archbishop
24:48of Canterbury.
24:49Canterbury's
24:50enemies.
24:51Ah,
24:52yes.
24:53We fear
24:53he may be
24:54in danger.
24:55Really?
24:56How?
24:56Well,
24:57let me see.
24:58Perhaps
24:59good King
25:00Richard,
25:00angry with
25:01the Archbishop
25:01for some
25:02reason,
25:02might well
25:03send two
25:04drunken
25:05knights,
25:06freshly returned
25:07from the
25:07crusade,
25:08on a mission
25:09to weak
25:10vengeance on
25:11him.
25:12That's a good
25:13point.
25:13It has
25:14happened
25:14before.
25:15Quite.
25:15Yes,
25:15indeed.
25:16I'm sorry,
25:17I didn't quite
25:18catch your
25:18names.
25:19Oh,
25:20George
25:20Jiboff.
25:21How do
25:22you do?
25:23Justin
25:23de Bois
25:24not?
25:25Two
25:25drunken
25:26knights
25:26first
25:27returned
25:27from the
25:28crusades
25:28and here
25:28on a mission
25:29for good
25:29King
25:30Richard.
25:30God
25:30bless.
25:32And your
25:33mission?
25:34Well,
25:34as I
25:35said,
25:35we're
25:36here to
25:36kill.
25:37A bit
25:37of time
25:40before our
25:41next crusade.
25:42Oh,
25:42right,
25:42yes.
25:43Well,
25:43I'll just
25:44go and get
25:45him.
25:47Ah,
25:48Baldrick,
25:49a couple
25:50of knights
25:50here to
25:51see the
25:52Archbishop.
25:53Oh,
25:53my God.
25:57Monks.
25:59My Lord,
26:00I've got
26:00something to
26:01say.
26:02It's the one
26:03about the
26:03nuns of
26:04Uppingham
26:05and the
26:05Candelabra.
26:06Don't bother,
26:06I've heard it.
26:07No,
26:07the fact is,
26:08there's two
26:09men outside
26:09who've come
26:09to kill you.
26:11What?
26:15I'm terribly
26:16sorry about
26:17this.
26:17I'll just
26:18see what
26:18the delay
26:19is.
26:19Feels good.
26:20I feel
26:20me.
26:22What's going
26:23on?
26:24Those two
26:24men have
26:24come to
26:25kill us.
26:25Oh,
26:25come on,
26:26honestly,
26:27Baldrick,
26:27just because
26:27a couple
26:28of people
26:28have a bit
26:29of breeding,
26:29you assume
26:30they're bound
26:30to be
26:31mindless killers.
26:32Oh,
26:32my God.
26:33There's no
26:34way out.
26:35Help.
26:36No.
26:37Oh,
26:38my God.
26:54They've dropped
26:54off.
27:05Madam,
27:06they must have
27:06gone down
27:07a secret
27:08passage
27:08to the
27:09nunnery.
27:21Little
27:22sisters of
27:22indolence,
27:23three men
27:23came in.
27:24Which way
27:24did they
27:24go?
27:26I think
27:27they went
27:28that way.
27:30God bless
27:30you.
27:33Wait,
27:34Jaffir.
27:36they'll be
27:37watching out
27:37for a stress
27:37like this.
27:38Quick,
27:39in here.
27:54Pray,
27:55sister,
27:56have you
27:56seen two
27:57burly nights
27:58pass this
27:58way?
27:59Um,
28:00no,
28:01sister.
28:02Nor's
28:02the pity.
28:05Why don't
28:06you try
28:07that way?
28:08Thank you
28:09very much.
28:09You're
28:09welcome.
28:17And yet,
28:18Mother Superior,
28:20does not
28:21St. Paul say
28:21in the
28:22Ephesians,
28:23a woman
28:24is like
28:25a bat,
28:26often heard
28:27but never
28:28seen.
28:29No,
28:30I don't
28:31think so,
28:31Sarah.
28:33Shall we
28:33check the
28:34dormitory?
28:35Oh,
28:36yes,
28:36Mother Superior,
28:36what a good
28:37idea.
28:44Girls!
28:45Girls!
28:46Girls!
28:47If I've
28:48told you once,
28:49I've told you
28:49a thousand times,
28:50fighting in the
28:51dormitory is
28:51completely forbidden.
28:53Who is the
28:54ringleady here?
28:55You!
28:56Yes,
28:56you,
28:57the plane
28:57girl!
29:01Oh,
29:02my God!
29:03It's the
29:04Archbishop of
29:05Canterbury!
29:10I think I
29:11can explain.
29:15And that,
29:16sweet lady,
29:17is the
29:18whole story.
29:19Let us go
29:19over the
29:20facts again.
29:21Having been
29:22appointed
29:22Archbishop,
29:23you found
29:24that all
29:24your interest
29:25lay in the
29:25beauty of
29:26your vestments.
29:27Ah,
29:27the fine
29:28embroidery.
29:29Unable to
29:30resist the
29:30slide into
29:31depravity,
29:32you began to
29:33dress up in
29:34the habit of
29:34a nun.
29:35I could not
29:36resist the
29:36texture of
29:37the Hessian
29:38under things.
29:39Oh,
29:39I can understand
29:39that.
29:41Then,
29:41you forced
29:42the Bishop of
29:43Ramsgate and
29:44one brother
29:44Baldi to do
29:45so also.
29:46Oh,
29:47may I be
29:48cursed for
29:49it.
29:49And finally,
29:50you got two
29:51knights drunk
29:52and invited
29:52them to come
29:53and wrestle
29:53with you
29:54inside the
29:55nunnery in
29:55an orgy of
29:56heathen
29:57diversities.
30:00Unstakable
30:01ring of
30:01truth.
30:02And I must
30:03therefore tell
30:03you that this
30:04morning I have
30:05written urgently
30:05to all three
30:06popes recommending
30:07your immediate
30:08excommunication.
30:10Never more
30:10may you be
30:11Archbishop of
30:12Canterbury.
30:13Oh,
30:13dear.
30:15That's enough,
30:16Sister Sire.
30:17I think he's
30:17learnt his
30:18lesson.
30:19Sorry.
30:21Oh.
30:22Ow,
30:22ow.
30:23Go,
30:24sir,
30:24ah,
30:25and meet
30:25thy doom.
30:27Oh,
30:28oh,
30:28oh,
30:30okay,
30:31ah,
30:32we'll be
30:33running.
30:33Oh,
30:44oh,
30:46Oh,
30:47oh,
30:47ah,
30:47ah,
30:47ah,
30:48ah,
30:48ah,
30:50ah,
30:58Quick! The nunnery's on fire!
31:02The sound of hoofbeats cross the glade
31:06Could folk lock up your son and daughter
31:09Beware the deadly flashing blade
31:13Unless you want to end up shorter
31:20Blackadder! Blackadder! He rides a pitch black steed
31:28Blackadder! Blackadder! He's very bad indeed
31:34Black! His gloves are finest mould
31:38Black! His cutpiece made of metal
31:42His horse is blacker than a wool
31:45His pot is blacker than his cattle
31:50Blackadder! Blackadder!
31:54With many a cunning plan
31:59Blackadder! Blackadder!
32:02You horrid little man
32:06Alas, the corruption of the world
32:09Yes, alas, Mother Superior
32:11I'm tired and weary
32:13You may leave me now
32:14Very well
32:16Alas
32:18So presumably you won't be needing the unicorn tonight
32:21No
32:23No, not tonight, sir
32:30No, not tonight, sir
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