- 2 days ago
Blackadder S01E01 The Foretelling
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00:01History has known many great liars.
00:05Copernicus, Goebbels, St. Ralph the Liar.
00:10But there have been none quite so vile as the Tudor king, Henry VII.
00:15It was he who rewrote history to portray his predecessor, Richard III,
00:20as a deformed maniac who killed his nephews in the tower.
00:27But the real truth is that Richard was a kind and thoughtful man
00:32who cherished his young wards.
00:34In particular, Richard, Duke of York, who grew into a big, strong boy.
00:42Henry also claimed he won the Battle of Bosworth Field and killed Richard III.
00:48Again, the truth is very different,
00:51for it was Richard, Duke of York, who became king after Bosworth Field
00:55and reigned for 13 glorious years.
00:58As for who really killed Richard III
01:01and how the defeated Henry Tudor escaped with his life,
01:04all is revealed in this, the first chapter of a history never before told,
01:08the history of the Blackadder.
01:25the following was told beyond the years ago.
01:26Come have a變ifold.
01:28The fact that you came upon a Beat acted with a Hearthrod heritage
01:28and the reasoning that he had become the reij!!
01:28Oh, yes, yes!
01:41Anyway, the one hit fortressbrief!
01:54Oh, my God.
02:21Now is the summer of our sweet content, made o'er-caste winter by these Tudor clouds.
02:30And I that am not shaped for black-faced war.
02:36I that am rudely cast and want true majesty.
02:43I am forced to fight to set sweet England free.
02:49I pray to heaven we farewell and all who fight us go to hell.
02:56Hooray, absolutely, hooray.
03:04I know not, my lord. I lost my son.
03:08Harry, who is that?
03:11It is your other son, my lord.
03:13It is my other son, my lord.
03:15Fight, say, with us on the morrow.
03:19What's his name?
03:21Edmund.
03:23Edmund!
03:24Fight you with us on the morrow!
03:27Oh, goodness, no.
03:29No, I thought I'd fight with the enemy.
03:39You're not putting him anywhere near me, are you?
03:42No, no, no, uncle. He'll be somewhere amongst the dragon.
03:45Oh, arrow fodder.
03:48Precisely.
03:48Yeah.
03:48Yeah.
03:49Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
03:51What a little bird.
03:54Ha, ha, ha, ha.
03:56Percy, do you see how the king picks me out for special greeting?
03:59No, my lord.
04:00I saw it, my lord.
04:03Ah, and what is your name, little fellow?
04:06My name is Baldrick, my lord.
04:08Ha, ha.
04:09And I shall call you Walbrick.
04:12And I shall call you my lord, my lord.
04:15Ha, ha, ha.
04:16I like the cut of your jib, young fellow, me lad.
04:19How would you like to be my squire in the battle tomorrow?
04:24It will be a great day tomorrow for we nobles.
04:27Well, not if we lose, Percy.
04:29If we lose, I'll be chopped to pieces.
04:31My arms will end up in Essex, my torso in Norfolk,
04:34and my genitalia stuck up a tree somewhere in Rutland.
04:38Look at the hell, my lord, we cannot lose.
04:42Well, we could if we wanted to.
04:45Ah, but we would, Percy.
04:47And I shall prove to all that I am a man.
04:51But you are a man, my lord.
04:53But how shall it be proved, Percy?
04:56Well, it could look up that tree and write them.
05:00It shall be proved by mine enemies rushing to the water closet in terror.
05:04Hooray!
05:05Hooray!
05:06Come, a toast.
05:06Let all those who go to don armour tomorrow
05:10remember to go before they don armour tomorrow.
05:14Hooray!
05:17Already I can hear the sound of battle ringing in my ears.
05:23Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more
05:29consign their parts most private to a Rutland tree.
05:34Let blood, blood, blood be your motto.
05:42Slid their gizzards!
05:47Now, I'm afraid there's going to have to be a certain amount of violence.
05:53But at least we know it's all in a good cause, don't we?
06:01And gentlemen in London still abed
06:04shall think themselves accursed they were not here
06:07and hold their manhood cheap while others speak of those who fought with us on Ralph the Liar's Day!
06:24Grrrr!
06:36Eh...
06:39Edmund!
06:40Oh, Mother, what do you want?
06:44Did you want to go to the battle this morning?
06:51Oh, my God, it's 11 o'clock.
07:01Hello?
07:02What is it?
07:03Where is this battle end?
07:05Oh, some lack of buzzworth fields.
07:13Oh, damn it, damn it.
07:16Most decent battle since I've reached puberty.
07:21Here we are, my Lord.
07:23Onward, Balric, to glory.
07:36Yes, I'm not so sure when needed, you know, Balric.
07:43I mean, everything seems to be going very well, isn't it?
07:47Everyone's fighting.
07:49Clearly having the time of their lives.
07:53Like, some people over there aren't fighting.
07:57They're just lying down.
07:59They're dead, my Lord.
08:03Oh, damn it.
08:05I knew I'd found something.
08:07Will you excuse me a moment, Balric?
08:15Your Majesty, you've lost your steed.
08:19Can't mind.
08:20No, no, no.
08:21I've won the battle.
08:22I've saved the kingdom.
08:24I think I can find myself a horse.
08:26True, my noble Lord.
08:28I'll see you back at the castle.
08:30So be it.
08:31Hey.
08:33A horse.
08:36A horse.
08:38A horse.
08:42Ah.
08:43Horsie.
08:47What will you do is this?
08:56Oi, that's my horse.
09:09That'll teach you.
09:15You won't be doing that again, now will you?
09:21Oh, my God, it's Uncle Richard.
09:29What's up, my Lord?
09:35Oh, dear.
09:37Richard's the third.
09:40What are you going to do?
09:42Quick.
09:43Quick.
09:50Oh, my God.
09:52What's up?
10:01What's up, dear?
10:02Oh, dear.
10:04Oh, dear.
10:06Oh, dear.
10:08I'm not.
10:09Oh, dear.
10:12Oh, dear.
10:13Oh, dear.
10:22Oh
10:31Where's the head
10:34To carry everything
10:41I see you brainless son of a prostitute. Where have you been?
10:46I've just proved that I'm a man
10:48Look what I found
10:50Oh, thank god
10:51Quick, put it down and let's get out of here
10:54No, no, no, I found it. It's mine
10:56What do you mean it's yours?
10:57I'm going to use it to prove that I killed a nobleman
11:01And which nobleman, pray?
11:05Ha, well, it's the king, actually
11:16Hey, quick
11:17Lost
11:19All is lost
11:21What?
11:22Flee
11:23Flee
11:24Oh my god, quick
11:25Let's get out of here
11:26Take me with you
11:28Get your hands off
11:29You leave me alone here
11:31I'll die
11:32Don't leave me alone, I'll kill you myself
11:36Now leave him here
11:37Come on, I'll wait
11:37I'll give you money
11:41Ten thousand sovereigns
11:51Mother
11:52Edmund, dear
11:53How did it go?
11:55Within seconds, Henry Tudor will be here at our gates
11:58Oh, but Edmund, I'm not ready
12:00I haven't had a bath or anything
12:02Mother Henry is our enemy
12:04When his men get here, they'll brutally ravish you and every woman in the castle
12:09Oh, well, I shan't bother to change then
12:12My lord!
12:14What do you want?
12:15Listen!
12:19Oh my god
12:20They're here already!
12:22Run for your lives!
12:23Run for the hills!
12:25No, my lord, they're coming from the hills
12:27Sorry, run away from the hills
12:30Run away from the hills
12:31If you see the hills, run the other way
12:35No, my lord, it's all right
12:36They're flying the banners of our King Richard
12:37What's impossible?
12:39He's dead, isn't he?
12:40King Richard dead?
12:42Hmm
12:44Yes
12:45Ah
12:46God knows how
12:49Oh dear
12:51That's really upset the tulip cart
12:53Those flags, Percy
12:54are obviously just a cunning trick to deceive us into staying
12:57No, my lord
12:57I don't think it is a cunning trick
12:59Well, no, it's not a particularly cunning trick
13:00We can be seen to it
13:01Well, they obviously thought it was cunning when they thought it out
13:04I know your brother
13:04What I mean, my lord, is I don't think they didn't think it out
13:06What do you think?
13:07Someone else thought it up and they borrowed it for the occasion?
13:09No, my lord, I don't think it's a trick at all
13:11You don't think it's a wily up to a castle under someone else's banner as a trick?
13:14Well, no, I suppose it isn't
13:20It's only your father
13:22Hold on that bloody door
13:25Richard, it's you
13:26Oh
13:26Well, who do you expect it to be, woman?
13:29I thought it would be Henry Tulip
13:31Henry Tulip?
13:33Have you lost your conkers?
13:36So you won?
13:37Yes, of course
13:39We won
13:40We won
13:41We won
13:44So, I suppose now you want to ravish me
13:48Richard, in a moment
13:50All is insatiable
13:53Three cheers
13:55For good King Richard
13:56Hop, hop
13:57Huzzah
13:58Hop, hop
13:59Huzzah
14:00Hop, hop
14:02Huzzah
14:03Huzzah
14:03All we need now is good King Richard to be here
14:06And the day shall be complete
14:08Oh, yes
14:10What a pity he's dead
14:14What?
14:15Well, who told you that?
14:17Well, Edward
14:20Well, Edward
14:21Is this true?
14:25Well, I wouldn't know really
14:27I was nowhere near him at the time
14:30I just heard from someone that he'd, er
14:33I mean, I don't even know where he was killed
14:36I was completely on the opposite side of the field
14:38I was nowhere near the cottage
14:41Not that it was a cottage
14:43It was a river
14:44Bet that I wouldn't know, of course
14:45Because I wasn't there
14:47But apparently some fool cut his head off
14:49Or at least killed him in some way
14:52But took an air off or something
14:54Yes, yes, in fact
14:55I think he was only wounded
14:58Ah, or was that somebody else?
15:00Yes, I think it was
15:01Well, he wasn't even wounded
15:03Why did someone say he was dead?
15:05Yes!
15:06What?
15:06It's true, my lord
15:08I stumbled on his body myself
15:10Oh, pardon me
15:12Thou bleeding piece of earth
15:14Oh, my sweet king
15:16That's enough of that
15:17Thank you, Harry
15:18Thank you, Harry
15:20Thank you, Harry
15:21Thank you, Harry
15:23Yes
15:24And we all know who did this dreadful deed
15:28Don't weigh
15:32Yes
15:33Yes
15:33Henry Tudor
15:35Yes
15:37And he still runs free
15:41Harry
15:42Call for silence
15:45Silence
15:50For the king
15:59Long live
16:01King Richard IV
16:04This day has been as twere
16:06A mighty stew
16:09In which the beef of victory was mixed
16:12With a vile turnip
16:13Of sweet Richard slain
16:15And the grisly dumpling of his killer fled
16:18But we must eat
16:21The yellow wobbly parts
16:23Lord serves
16:24In life
16:26Each man gets
16:28That's
16:28What he
16:30Deserves
16:33Well, come on
16:34Let's go and kill some more prisoners
16:36Hup-hup!
16:37Hup-hup!
16:39Hup-hup!
16:39Hup-hup!
16:40Hup-hup!
16:49Hup-hup!
16:56Hup-hup-hup!
16:58Hup-hup!
16:58Hup-hup!
16:58Hup-hup!
16:58Hup-hup!
16:59Can you imagine the power?
17:02Hup-hups!
17:03What's ours, all our?
17:04What? Yours. All yours.
17:08Ah, Edmund, there you are.
17:10Now, I know it's a little early, but I'd just like to get these battle averages sorted out.
17:16Now then, who did you kill today?
17:21No one. No one?
17:24Oh, dear. Right, I'll put you down for a duck then,
17:27which I'm afraid takes you out of the running for the Legion of Honor.
17:31Oh, I see. Sorry. Sorry, I thought you meant had I killed King Richard.
17:37What?
17:38What?
17:40Where's the question?
17:42Who did you kill today?
17:45Oh, I see.
17:46Ah, right. Let's see.
17:50Um...
17:51Pedant.
17:52What?
17:53Pleasant.
17:55Pedant.
17:57Pe... peasants.
17:59Peasants! Peasants! There are a lot of peasants.
18:02Ah, but they don't really count, do they?
18:04Only in the event of a tie.
18:06Nevertheless, how many did you kill?
18:08Oh, wow.
18:10Four...
18:11Four...
18:12Hundred...
18:14Hundred...
18:16Four...
18:18Hundred...
18:19Hundred...
18:19Hundred...
18:20Hundred...
18:20Hundred...
18:28Hundred...
18:28Four...
18:29Uh-huh.
18:29Any nobles?
18:30Ah, let me see. Nobles.
18:32Um...
18:33I think...
18:33Lord Coverdale?
18:36Who fought on our side, I believe.
18:38Er, yes.
18:39I think Lord Coverdale saw me slaying, erm...
18:44Warwick.
18:45Warwick the wild of Leicester?
18:47Yes, that's him.
18:48And pretty wild, he was too.
18:49Took some finishing off, I can tell you.
18:51Yes, indeed. I killed him myself at one point.
18:54Anyone else?
18:56Um, let me see.
18:59He's trying to put names to faces.
19:02Yes, well, this is the list of the lords as yet unaccounted for.
19:07Roger de Runcie.
19:08Oh, de Runcie, yes. He was one of mine.
19:10Lord Thomas of Devon.
19:12Ah, yes, Backslash.
19:13Lord Yeovul.
19:15Ah, yes, Groin Job.
19:16Good.
19:18Remarkable, Edna.
19:19Remarkable.
19:20Oh, and the Bishop of Bath and Wells.
19:22Ah, yes. We'll never walk again.
19:25We'll conduct the Thanksgiving, sir.
19:28Oh, Bath and Wells.
19:32Ah, Lord Percy.
19:34Edmund tells me that you managed to turn up late for the battle,
19:37so there's not much point in asking you your score, is there?
19:45Ha-ha!
19:46Ha-ha!
19:47Ah, at last I can relax.
19:54Who the hell is this?
19:56Ah, well, you remember that dying man we saw in the cottage?
20:00The one I specifically told you not to bring back to the castle under any circumstances?
20:05Hmm? Yes, that's the one, yes.
20:07So what is he doing in my bed?
20:09Well, he claims to be a wealthy man.
20:11I thought if we nurse him back to health, he may reward us.
20:15No, wait.
20:16I think I have an idea.
20:19If he is a wealthy man, and we nurse him back to health, he may reward us.
20:27Oh, brilliant, my lord. Very good thinking.
20:30Thank you, Baldrick.
20:33Well, what would you expect?
20:35After all, who has the fastest brain in the land?
20:39Prince Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh.
20:41Who is the boldest horseman in the land?
20:45Prince Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh.
20:47Who is the bravest swordsman in the land?
20:50Oh, don't tell me that's that earl from Norfolk...
20:53Prince Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh.
20:56Precisely.
20:57Or, as I shall be known from now on...
21:02The Black Vegetable.
21:09My lord, wouldn't something like the Black Adder sound better?
21:14No.
21:15Wait.
21:16I think I have a better idea.
21:18What about the Black Adder?
21:29That one.
21:32That pair.
21:34That one.
21:39Ha-ha.
21:41Ha-ha.
21:42All right.
21:55Very witty, my lord.
21:56Ah, thank you, Baldrick.
21:58Very, very, very witty, my lord.
22:00Ah, thank you, Wesley.
22:02You're certainly wittier than your father, my lord.
22:04Ha-ha.
22:05Yes, and head and shoulders over Richard III.
22:09You're not supposed to be witty.
22:13No, my lord.
22:14That was an example of the sort of thing that you yourself would not scoop to.
22:21Go away!
22:23Yes, my lord.
22:41Oh, you're still here, are you?
22:43Uh, yes.
22:50Wait a minute.
22:52Haven't I seen you somewhere before?
22:55I don't know.
22:57I feel that I've seen you before also.
23:00Well, I am Prince Edmund, son of Richard IV, in fact.
23:06Why are you?
23:07Well, I'm not important.
23:09Not important?
23:10You mean you're not rich?
23:11No.
23:12Yes, yes, I'm incredibly rich.
23:14I'm, I'm a very wealthy, uh, modest person who wishes to remain nameless.
23:22Well, you'd better be rich.
23:24Get your money together, get better, and get out of my bed.
23:26Is that clear?
23:37Oh, yes.
23:38Very fetching.
23:45And hello to you.
23:49Hello.
23:51Hello.
23:51Oh, goodness me, I hadn't expected to see you like this.
23:59Sitting down, you mean?
24:01Yes, that's right.
24:02Sitting down.
24:04Goodness, look.
24:05Look, you're sitting down.
24:06Yes.
24:07Good Lord.
24:07I haven't seen you sitting down since, uh...
24:12Yesterday?
24:13Was it only yesterday?
24:15Good Lord.
24:17Um, uh...
24:18Well, how was your battle?
24:22Fine.
24:23Somebody cut my head off at one point, but otherwise everything went swimmingly.
24:27How are you, Edna?
24:29Edmund.
24:30Oh, your father told me, Edna.
24:32No, no.
24:33So, Edna, you loathsome little fairy maggot.
24:36How are you?
24:37Uh, oh, how, how very, very kind of you to ask, um, Your Majesty.
24:41I'm very well, and, uh, and it's very good to see you, because, frankly...
24:48Yes?
24:49Well, well, well, frankly, uh...
24:53Gosh, you look well.
24:55Frankly what?
24:56Spit it out, you horrid little scabby reptile.
24:59Um, well, frankly, everyone thought you were dead.
25:05Well, frankly, I am.
25:11Do come in.
25:13No, don't come in!
25:14Why not?
25:16Have you got someone in there with you?
25:18Um, not as such.
25:21Is it a woman?
25:23No.
25:24Is it a man?
25:25Um, yes.
25:32Yes, it is.
25:34You hesitated, Edmund.
25:36It's not a sheep, is it?
25:38It is not a sheep.
25:41Well, then let me in.
25:43So, farewell, Edna.
25:44You'll be seeing me later.
25:50Um, have, uh...
25:52Have you got transport?
25:55Um, perhaps you'd like to borrow my horse again?
25:59Oh, or at all.
26:00I mean, not that you've borrowed it before.
26:04Ah, coming.
26:11Are you all right, Edmund?
26:14Oh, you look as if you've just seen a ghost.
26:17He is.
26:18Hurry up anyway.
26:19You're expected at the banquet.
26:21Um, look, um, brother, uh, you won't tell anyone about my oversleeping this morning and,
26:28uh, and what have you.
26:29Now, will you?
26:30Now, would I, Edmund?
26:32Do I tell people that your brother Harry is scared of spoons?
26:35Or that your father has very small private parts?
26:41Oh, mother!
26:43Meh.
26:45Meh.
26:46Meh.
26:47Oh, Edmund.
26:48That's the lying I find so hurtful.
26:54Meh.
26:56Meh.
26:57Meh.
26:58Meh.
27:01Meh.
27:01Meh.
27:03Meh.
27:04Meh.
27:04Meh.
27:05Meh.
27:05Meh.
27:07Meh.
27:07Meh.
27:07So sorry I've been.
27:09Hold!
27:11You dare sit there, boy?
27:13That was King Richard's seat.
27:15Would you insult his ghost?
27:17Meh.
27:17Um, no. No, sorry.
27:22Yes, find your own chair, you smelly little dog's pizzle.
27:34How many prisoners have you got, Harry?
27:36I'm not Harry. I'm Richard.
27:39Send a brace to my room, will you?
27:41Very well. Do you want them, Harry?
27:42No, fresh ones. I want to practice my back.
27:44Oh, I don't think you need to, the way you've slaughtered Lord Stanley.
27:50Oh, I wish Uncle Dickie was here.
27:54Don't Dickie me, Ducky.
28:01Tonight, honoured friends,
28:04we are gathered to celebrate a great victory
28:07and to mourn a great loss.
28:11A toast to our triumph
28:15and I raise our royal cast
28:18upon the man who slew Richard,
28:21our noble king.
28:23It was him.
28:25Oh, my God!
28:27Quiet at the end there!
28:29Whoever it was!
28:30It was him, Edna.
28:32Wherever he be!
28:33He's down there at the end.
28:34He shall be struck down!
28:36Well, then get on with it, you stupid oaf.
28:38He's there.
28:39It wasn't me!
28:40Who said that?
28:41The imminent will kill me this afternoon.
28:43I didn't!
28:44Well, then, who did?
28:45It was actually Edmund who interrupted, sire.
28:48Hang the little slug!
28:50I will have silence!
28:55Another toast!
28:57To dead King Richard.
28:59Oh, my.
29:00Guard.
29:01Gentlemen.
29:02Oh, thank you, sir.
29:05Thank you all.
29:06Thank you very much for nothing.
29:08Thank you so much.
29:10That's the last you'll be seeing of me.
29:13Not that you've seen much of me in any case.
29:18Now that we have silence,
29:20we shall continue with the ceremony of desecration.
29:24Produce the portrait of the pretender, Henry Tudor.
29:36Oh, my God!
29:38Oh!
29:49Good evening.
29:50Oh, where's Henry Tudor?
29:54Oh, no!
29:59Where is he?
30:00Where is he?
30:01Oh!
30:07Oh!
30:46Oh, awful!
30:48Hail!
30:49Hail!
30:50Hail!
30:51Ruler of men!
30:52Ravisher of women!
30:54Slayer of kings!
30:56Be gone, hideous crones!
30:59Be not amazed!
31:01Be not overcome with fear!
31:03Be not paralyzed with terror!
31:07Why have you lured me here, you loathsome drabs?
31:12We bear good news!
31:14What news could such repulsive harbingers convey?
31:18Today has brought me fortune.
31:21But one day...
31:22Oh, glorious day!
31:25One day...
31:27Oh, happy day!
31:31Yes?
31:33You shall be came!
31:38Yes!
31:40Your majesty!
31:43Well, that is good news, isn't it?
31:46God be with you, you snaggletoothed vultures!
31:51History, here I come!
31:55The sun of who feet cross the glade
31:59Good folk lock up your son and daughter
32:03Beware the deadly flashing blade
32:07Unless you want to end up shorter
32:11Black Adder, Black Adder
32:15Black Adder, Black Adder
32:16He rides a pitch black steed
32:19Black Adder, Black Adder
32:24He's very bad indeed
32:27Black, his glove's our finest mole
32:31Black, his codpiece made of metal
32:35His horse is blacker than a wolf
32:40His pot is blacker than his cattle
32:44Black Adder, Black Adder
32:48With many a cunning plan
32:51Black Adder, Black Adder
32:56You horrid little man
33:01He wasn't as I expected him
33:04I thought he was very rude
33:06I thought Henry Tudor would be better looking
33:10Yes, not so Jewish
33:13More like that man who rode by just before
33:16Oh, oh
33:18Oh, silly witch
33:23Oh
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