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Tv, Allo Allo S1 E06 - Reds Nick Colonel
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00:00I am preparing this cake for Colonel Von Strom, the town commandant, because it is his birthday.
00:30Life at my little cafe near Nuvion is back to normal, except that I have a radio transmitter
00:37hidden under the bed of my wife's mother, cyanide tablets in these two rings in case the Gestapo
00:43should discover that I am helping the resistance, and two British airmen concealed where no one
00:48would suspect.
00:49Oh, and by the way, I was shot dead by a firing squad and buried yesterday, and I am now my
00:59own twin brother.
01:00So far, so good.
01:02Are you ready, girls?
01:06I am ready.
01:07Follow me.
01:08Thank you, Monsieur Leclerc.
01:09Ah, here.
01:10Happy birthday to you.
01:11Happy birthday to you.
01:13Happy birthday dear Colonel.
01:15Happy birthday to you.
01:16Happy birthday dear Colonel.
01:17Happy birthday to you.
01:22Happy birthday to you.
01:23Happy birthday to you.
01:24Happy birthday dear Colonel.
01:29Happy birthday to you.
01:39And now, the time-honored ceremony of blowing out the candles.
01:44In France, it is a tradition that this must be done by one big puff.
01:49It is your birthday, Colonel.
01:52Oh, bravo.
01:55Dear Colonel, do not eat the icing.
01:58It is plaster of Paris.
02:00This is because the captain could not supply the icing sugar.
02:05That's it.
02:07No sugar.
02:08Hans, couldn't you have given up your ration for my birthday cake?
02:13Colonel, I give it to Maria.
02:15She won't take cash on Sundays.
02:17Well, where are my presents?
02:22Oh, from me, this cake.
02:24And I shall have a surprise for you in my room at 9 o'clock.
02:29And I shall have a surprise for you in my room at 8 o'clock.
02:34And I have a surprise for you now.
02:38I shall sing to you a special song which I used to sing many years ago
02:44to our dear soldiers overseas.
02:47In the Crimea.
02:49I was the toast of seedy bellabbies.
02:53If you please, the music.
02:58I knew nothing about this, Colonel. I am so sorry.
03:01Will you fall in love?
03:05If I remove a glove?
03:08What do I have to do?
03:11Should I take off my shoes?
03:14Oh, I am called coquette.
03:16The girl men can't forget.
03:19I drive men wild with desire.
03:22When I lift my dresses higher.
03:25Should I take off my chemise?
03:28Oh, la, la, la.
03:30But as you know, I never go so far.
03:36Just as well.
03:38Would I stand a chance with some exotic dance?
03:44Should I do the splits?
03:47If she does, she'll fall to bits.
03:49Oh, I am called coquette.
03:51The girl men can't forget.
03:54They cannot wait to kiss my lips.
03:58Or just caress my fingertips.
04:01But still I know, it's too unfair to show the boys my underwear.
04:09Oh, that I love.
04:12But as you know, I never go that far.
04:20Unforgettable.
04:25René, your wife has many talents.
04:28Singing is not one of them.
04:30Now, a little champagne, Colonel.
04:32Oh, mid-champagne glasses.
04:34Oh, but of course.
04:36And may I tell you a little legend, Colonel.
04:38It is said that these champagne glasses
04:41were modelled on the bosom of Marie Antoinette.
04:44Oh, they should have modelled them on Helga's bosom.
04:46If he'd have got a bigger drink.
04:50Captain King.
04:52That wasn't the worst possible taste.
04:55You will apologise to Helga.
04:57I'm sorry.
04:58You must tell the colonel that you have never seen my bosom.
05:02Of course, Helga.
05:04I have never seen Helga's bosom.
05:06I was only guessing.
05:11There is also a legend about where they got the idea for the champagne cork.
05:15No more stories tonight.
05:20Now, a toast to your health, Colonel.
05:25And to victory.
05:26Oh, to victory.
05:28Yes.
05:29For our side.
05:30Who else?
05:34Lieutenant Gruber, I would like a private word with René.
05:37René.
05:38Would you leave us for a moment?
05:39Of course.
05:42René.
05:43Yes, Colonel.
05:44Have you got rid of those British airmen yet?
05:46Well, I can truthfully say that they are undercover.
05:50René, they must go.
05:52I cannot go on turning a blind eye.
05:54What will happen if the Gestapo find out?
05:56We shall have to drop you in it.
05:59René.
06:00The resistance are arranging everything.
06:03I didn't hear that.
06:05The resistance are arranging everything.
06:10It's a fool!
06:12The less we know about it, the better.
06:15And now, René.
06:16What about the painting?
06:17Yes.
06:18It's the fallen Madonna with the big boobies.
06:20She would have made a good model for the champagne.
06:22The less you know about the painting, the better.
06:26But I need to know about it.
06:28It is our retirement fund.
06:30It's my retirement fund.
06:32I found it.
06:33Yes.
06:34But I know about it.
06:36You know it is being copied in London.
06:38When it is returned to us, you will keep the original
06:41and you can give the copy to Herr Flick of the Gestapo
06:43who will go away satisfied.
06:45The Gestapo are never satisfied.
06:48Helga is doing a very good job keeping Herr Flick out of our hair.
06:51I am not, however, keeping him out of my hair.
06:54He has asked me to report every word of your conversation.
06:58That is very underhand of him.
07:01Keep me informed of every move he makes.
07:04Very, more champagne.
07:06Oh, at once, kind of, yes.
07:08Colonel, when after the war you sell the painting,
07:13will you remember me?
07:15Every bit.
07:17Why should I? I found the painting?
07:18Yes, but she knows about it.
07:21In that case, Helga, you will be taken care of.
07:25Thank you, Colonel.
07:26But now, enough talk of business in the future.
07:31Let us enjoy the present.
07:33The divine women!
07:35And some!
07:37No, just wine and women.
07:43Another surprise?
07:45More of a shock, I think.
07:46You are Colonel Von Strom and Captain Hans Gearing?
07:50Yes, what of it?
07:52The owner of this cafe was shot by your orders.
07:55No, he was shot on the orders of General Von Klinkerhofen.
07:58The Von Klinkerhofen!
08:00I am merely the town commandant. I just sign papers.
08:03I just hand him the pen.
08:04No!
08:07Your execution will be a warning to you Nazis
08:10that no one is safe from the revenge or the resistance.
08:13But these people are my friends.
08:15René's twin brother, René, baked this cake for me.
08:19A collaborateur.
08:21A friend of the Germans.
08:23Would a friend have used Plaster of Paris instead of icing sugar?
08:27His wife sang a special song for me to entertain me.
08:30Is this true?
08:32Uh, Edith?
08:33Edith, sing a few bars for this lady, would you?
08:37How would you like to be down by the seine with me?
08:44Enough!
08:45You are in the clear.
08:47What's that?
08:49Oh, quick!
08:50René, send for the army!
08:52The army!
08:56Oh, the poor Colonel and the Captain!
08:58What am I going to do?
09:01Thank you, René.
09:02I should be forever in your death.
09:03You did not give me away.
09:05I did not know you were there.
09:08Michelle from the resistance is in the back room.
09:11Just in time to get a piece of my mind.
09:15Michelle?
09:17I am here.
09:19What are you doing?
09:20How dare you knock off the Colonel and the Captain in my cafe?
09:23What kind of a business do you think I'm running here, huh?
09:25It was not my group of the resistance.
09:27It was the other party.
09:29We are de Gaulle.
09:30They are the communists.
09:32They do not understand that we are using you to help us blackmail the Germans into keeping quiet about the fact that we are helping you to help the British Herman to escape.
09:40Until your explanation, I did not understand it either.
09:46The question is, what do we do now?
09:50We know they are hiding place.
09:52We will rescue the Germans.
09:53But first, you must Radio London to tell them you cannot take the British Herman to the coast tonight.
09:57Me?
09:58But I was not going to the coast tonight.
10:00You were.
10:02The passes have been provided.
10:04I would go myself, but I would be missed at my job.
10:08What is your job?
10:10I am the sub-post mistress in the next village, next to the bakery.
10:15Not the little girl with the glasses and the lisp.
10:18The very thing.
10:22You overcharged me for two stamps last week.
10:26There is no time for that.
10:28Get on the radio.
10:29I will take care of the coroner.
10:31Yes.
10:37Oh, it is Yvette Maria.
10:41Will no one hear the cries of an old woman in distress?
10:49Fanny!
10:50It is I.
10:51I have brought you some food.
10:58Oh, not onion soup.
11:01My little buttercup.
11:03See, it is Keck.
11:05Who is currants?
11:07I haven't been pleased.
11:09And also, who is the candle?
11:14I'll be so romantic.
11:16I'll give you a bit of his cake.
11:20Oh, cake.
11:22Oh, cake.
11:24It is the birthday cake of the German carnel.
11:27Oh.
11:32The very mention of his name and the icing turns the plaster of Paris.
11:37Please.
11:47Now, listen very carefully.
11:49I shall say this only once.
11:51What was that?
11:53I shall say this only once.
11:55Good.
11:56There is no time to use the radio.
11:58The Gestapo will investigate the disappearance of the colonel.
12:01If he finds the transmitter and the code book, we will all have had our chips.
12:05Chips!
12:07It's a miracle!
12:09Shut up!
12:10Quick.
12:11The radio.
12:12Michel Leclerc, the bed.
12:13The bed.
12:14Not in it.
12:15Need it.
12:17Hold this.
12:22The radio.
12:24Now, what shall I do with it?
12:26There is a truck outside.
12:27They will hide it for you.
12:30The Gestapo is here.
12:32The Flick has just entered the cafe.
12:34Give the radio to me.
12:35If he finds that we are dead, I will drop it in the back of the truck.
12:38Good idea.
12:41Bullseye.
12:42What about the code book?
12:44Hide it on your person.
12:47But they may search my person.
12:49They usually do.
12:51Drop it in the truck.
12:52The truck is gone.
12:55It is not dead.
12:57The book must be destroyed.
12:59Eat it.
13:00What?
13:01What?
13:02No mayonnaise.
13:06In Paris.
13:08In the last war, we had the rats never the boot.
13:13Now, we must warn the British Airmen that there is a delay.
13:172.30, they should be...
13:22Hello.
13:23Hello.
13:24There is a girl.
13:25There is a delay.
13:26Huh?
13:27You speak to them.
13:28I do not speak English.
13:30Change of plan, chaps.
13:31There is a delay.
13:32Leaving tomorrow.
13:33Oh, bad so.
13:35Get out onto the roof and hide behind the chimney.
13:38Right, you.
13:39Any chance of any food?
13:41Yes, we're damn hungry.
13:43Have a go at these.
13:45What is it?
13:46It's code.
13:47Oh.
13:48Haven't you anything hot?
13:49Get into line.
13:50Hurry up, you peasants.
13:51Have you nix of the Gestapo?
13:52Here's some questions to ask you.
13:53So.
13:54Did any of you recognize these criminals?
13:55Why is this mutton dressed as lamb?
14:02It was the dear Colonel's birthday.
14:03I was entertaining him.
14:04Are you then a lady of the night?
14:05I was the cabaret.
14:06I was the cabaret.
14:07I am a professional artist.
14:08I was singing for his delight.
14:10Prove it.
14:11Prove it.
14:12I drive men wild with desire.
14:13I drive men wild with desire.
14:14I am a professional artist.
14:15I was singing for his delight.
14:17Prove it.
14:18I drive men wild with desire.
14:19I drive men wild with desire.
14:20When I lift my dressing higher.
14:21Should I take off?
14:22Stop!
14:23Your story does not hold water.
14:24It is worth anything.
14:25You shes the master's lamb.
14:26Is black.
14:27And your princess lamb?
14:28Yes, you shes the lamb.
14:30It was the dear Colonel's birthday.
14:31I was the dear Colonel's birthday.
14:32I was entertaining him.
14:33I was entertaining him.
14:34I was entertaining him.
14:35Are you then a lady of the night?
14:36I was a cabaret.
14:37I drive men wild with desire.
14:40When I lift my dresses higher, should I take off?
14:44Stop!
14:45Your story does not hold water.
14:49She speaks the truth, Herr Flick.
14:51Unlikely though, it seems.
14:59You.
15:01Did you see the face of the traitor?
15:03She was just an ordinary French girl.
15:06Would you recognize her?
15:08Well, girls look the same to me.
15:21Very well.
15:23If the colonel and the captain are not returned to my office unharmed by 8 o'clock tomorrow morning,
15:29ten peasants will be marched into the town square by the lieutenant and his men,
15:34and they will be shot.
15:35Is that understood?
15:37Good.
15:39Herr Flick, could you not get someone else to do the shooting?
15:43You're making me rather unpopular.
15:46You will obey orders.
15:48That is all.
15:50Herr Flick, come with me.
15:51Yes, Herr Flick.
15:52Yes, Herr Flick.
15:57Hey, Hitler!
16:03Make that 20 peasants.
16:10Hans, look at it how you feel.
16:13Colonel, this is a very serious situation.
16:17Do you think they're really going to shoot us?
16:19They are French.
16:20The French are very unreliable.
16:23Especially after lunch.
16:27Colonel, why are you wiggling about?
16:29You will be pleased to hear I've managed to get my lighter out of my back pocket.
16:39Thought you were trying to give up, Smokey.
16:41I am going to burn through the ropes that tie your wrists, and then you can untie me.
16:50Oh, good.
16:51I saw this in a film with Conrad White.
16:53Take your voice down, and stand by.
16:57I am ready.
17:02What is the delay?
17:03I'm pulling up my vic to get a big flame.
17:12Even Conrad White didn't think of that.
17:18Here we go.
17:19You are lighting the hairs on my wrist.
17:27Don't be a baby.
17:28I'm not a baby.
17:34Well done, Hans.
17:36I felt a rope go.
17:37That was the strap of my wristwatch.
17:40There's someone coming.
17:42Try not to smolder.
17:46What is happening?
17:47Where am I?
17:48Remove the blindfold.
17:51René.
17:53What are you doing here?
17:54Well, I was just putting out the cat, and I was pounced on by the resistance.
17:59Perhaps they think I am somebody else.
18:01You are the brother of the man who was shot.
18:04You are to have the honor of shooting these men who have raped the whole of France.
18:09If I may say so, that is a slight exaggeration.
18:13Here is a gun.
18:14Now is your chance to avenge your brother.
18:17Oh, well, I think you should understand that my brother and I were not that close.
18:23In fact, we did not get on.
18:25No, no.
18:25He used to bully me, you know.
18:27He used to twist the ear of my teddy bear and pinch my conkers.
18:32I know, I know it does not sound like much now, but when you are little, you remember such things.
18:39I have placed in the chamber two bullets.
18:44Do your duty.
18:46May I have just one last request?
18:52We are supposed to have the last request.
18:55Silence!
18:56Pig!
18:56Dog!
18:57Hyena.
18:58I would like to savor my moment of revenge alone.
19:05We understand.
19:07Quick, follow me.
19:12That was a narrow squeak.
19:14Rene, you must get us out of here.
19:16We cannot go on helping you if we are shot.
19:18It is all your fault for saying I was my own twin brother.
19:21If you had said I was a distant cousin or something, I would not be in this mess.
19:25You've been a mess.
19:26What about the mess we're in?
19:28What am I going to do?
19:30Cut these ropes and we can leg it out the window.
19:36Ah.
19:36Wait a moment.
19:38How do I explain that you have escaped?
19:41Well, you'll like it as well.
19:45You have not shot them yet.
19:47Ah.
19:48No, no.
19:49Well, I thought I would just torture them a bit, you know.
19:53You know how one does.
19:55Just in case they can reveal any of Hitler's plans or secret weapons or where he is going on his holidays.
20:02My unit has just intercepted a parachute drop.
20:06We are very puzzled to know what this means.
20:09There are two German uniforms and two identical panties.
20:13How strange.
20:14More than strange.
20:16The names of these two officers are on the uniforms and they were dropped by the RAF.
20:23That is because we are British officers in disguise.
20:27Isn't that so, Charles?
20:29Absolutely Henry Odebein.
20:33What?
20:34What?
20:36It's surrounded by German soldiers.
20:38Sweet.
20:39Shut the back way.
20:42Am I at the barn?
20:43We must not hit Rene.
20:45I cannot even see the barn.
20:47The one is running away.
20:49There are three of them.
20:50Good.
20:51We can go in now.
20:52Dear Colonel, when the German troops arrive, you will tell them how I saved your life, won't
21:00you?
21:00Yes, yes, of course.
21:02Goes without saying.
21:03I would feel better if you said it all the same.
21:07That's it.
21:09Rene.
21:10My Rene.
21:15Oh, my brave Yvette.
21:19My Rene.
21:21My brave Maria.
21:23Oh.
21:24My Rene.
21:26You were brave too, Edith.
21:30Quick, Colonel.
21:31You must return to Nouvian, so that Airflik can see that you are safe, and then he will
21:35not shoot the peasants.
21:37Leave it to me.
21:37Follow me, Hans.
21:38Yes.
21:41And hide those paintings.
21:43Hide the paintings.
21:44Do this, do that.
21:45Blah, blah, blah.
21:46Have we run out of gasoline again, Herrfleet?
22:06No.
22:07I distinctly heard the sound of gunfire.
22:10From which direction?
22:12Over there.
22:13Shall we pretend to be lovers again, as we did at the bridge, and the crossroads, and
22:19the church, in case anybody passes by who might otherwise think our presence in a staff
22:23car is suspicious?
22:24No.
22:26It is time now for action.
22:31Take this.
22:33Insert it into the hole at the front, and turn rapidly.
22:37Yes, Herrfleet.
22:40Governor Ludo.
22:40I will wiggle my foot on the pedal.
22:44Yes, Herrfleet.
22:46How I admire a man of action.
22:54The switch is on.
22:56The shaft is inserted.
22:58Turn.
23:02Faster.
23:03Faster.
23:04Faster.
23:04Faster.
23:04Faster.
23:04Faster.
23:05Faster.
23:05Faster.
23:06Faster.
23:07Faster.
23:08Faster.
23:09Faster.
23:10Faster.
23:11Faster.
23:12Faster.
23:13Faster.
23:14Faster.
23:15Faster.
23:16Faster.
23:17Faster.
23:18Faster.
23:19Faster.
23:20Faster.
23:21Faster.
23:22Faster.
23:23Faster.
23:24Faster.
23:25Faster.
23:26Faster.
23:27Faster.
23:28Faster.
23:29Faster.
23:30Faster.
23:31Faster.
23:32Faster.
23:33Faster.
23:34Faster.
23:35Faster.
23:36Faster.
23:37Faster.
23:38Faster.
23:39we could check our bearings look out for the Greek bear there are many clouds and
23:47few stars you fool Hans not up there it's an inn outside new view before I
23:56don't tell you everything listen the car coming I will hold it
24:09you would be pleased to see the captain and I have escaped that is quite evident we have
24:25good news we have found the class the missing painting of the fallen Madonna with the big
24:31boobies Hans give the painting to her flick the fewer will be delighted good I will take it at once to a
24:47place of safety you're waking up the old house for the sake of heaven now then where is the key just a
25:15minute what is happening we were both aroused by the banging I was aroused when I saw the girls with the
25:34candle is good we have handed the forgery to have flick to send to the fewer and we have the original
25:55painting for you to hide behind the bricks in your cellar and then we can all sleep soundly in our
26:01events once give it to me quickly in case you have been followed the trouble you have given us all
26:17well take a good look my friends you will not see them again until after the war is over
26:22what is written on that little label in the corner I don't know it is in English I don't understand I
26:32speak a little English I will try to translate for you dear resistance please note this is the forgery
26:43you're cross aren't you
26:54what do we do now we must get the painting back before her flick can send it to the fuel and who is going to
27:03do that life is back to normal really really any year any chance of the girls giving us a little cuddle do
27:19you have any butter sugar or paraffin well hunts not on me no well in that case hard bun old bean
27:28well I'll tell her
27:33I'll tell you first a first a fifth in fact
27:38also I'll give another way to acid all by my text
27:40I'll then speak to onlar all by my Instagram
27:42and I'll then open my lectures
27:42well you're going to come up with me
27:44that one looks nothing and I forgot
27:45I'll come up with my folders
27:46and I've earned my workshop
27:48and we'll let them open myinhos
27:49and put them all by my friends
27:50and also I've forgotten
27:52that one we'll be a good night
27:53and the few hours
27:54I'm so getting people
27:55and I'm new to keep other of my previous
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