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Tv, Allo Allo S1 E02 - Pigeon Post
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00:00My name is Ronnie.
00:25This is my cafe, but at the moment my life is one big problem.
00:29You see, I have to be nice to the Germans.
00:34They are my customers.
00:35They are winning the war.
00:36So if I am not nice to them, they will shoot me.
00:39I have to be nice to the resistance.
00:41Otherwise they will shoot him for being nice to the Germans.
00:46I have to be nice to my wife,
00:48because if she finds out I'm having an affair with Yvette,
00:51she will shoot me.
00:53And if Yvette finds out I'm having an affair with Maria,
00:56she will shoot me.
00:58Now, Otto Flick, the Gestapo officer, is having dinner in the back room.
01:02Upstairs are two German officers in their underwear,
01:05because I have borrowed their uniforms to help two British airmen to escape.
01:09The pianist over there is in fact a forger for the Marquis.
01:14And the German officer at that table fancies me.
01:19And it is only Tuesday.
01:22Really, the Colonel is getting very impatient.
01:27You promised he would have his uniform back in 15 minutes.
01:30It is now 45.
01:31Take his mind off it.
01:32Keep him amused.
01:33How can I look at my celery?
01:35But Maria, can't you entertain him?
01:38How can I?
01:39My celery isn't even good enough for soup.
01:41Erick, Erick of the Gestapo is paying his bill.
01:45Erick says he is going to search the building.
01:48He will find the painting of the Fall of Madonna by Van Klomp in the cell.
01:51No, no, the painting has gone.
01:52But so too are the uniforms of the Colonel and your Captain.
01:55If they find the Colonel and the Captain in their underwear,
01:58this could make the Gestapo suspicious.
02:01Erick, Erick, you must keep Erick amused.
02:04And you think the Gestapo is a very serious business?
02:07Surely you can think of something?
02:09I have it.
02:10Give me a large glass of your strongest brandy.
02:12Of course, at once.
02:14Erick, Erick.
02:15Erick, Erick.
02:16Erick.
02:17Erick.
02:18Erick.
02:19Erick.
02:20Erick.
02:21Erick.
02:22Erick.
02:23Erick.
02:24You had ten minutes.
02:25You have to make it five.
02:27We must hide the German officers quickly.
02:30Take them to the room of my mother.
02:32Now, will you?
02:33Go and tell the officers.
02:34I will explain to the old girl.
02:36Erick.
02:37Erick.
02:38Erick.
02:39Erick.
02:40Erick.
02:41Erick.
02:42Erick.
02:43Erick.
02:44Erick.
02:45Erick.
02:46Erick.
02:47Erick.
02:48Erick.
02:49Erick.
02:50Erick.
02:51Erick.
02:52Erick.
02:53Erick.
02:54Erick.
02:55Erick.
02:56Erick.
02:57Erick.
02:58Erick.
02:59Erick.
03:00Erick.
03:01Erick.
03:02Erick.
03:03Erick.
03:04Erick.
03:05Erick.
03:06Erick.
03:07Erick.
03:08Erick.
03:09Erick.
03:10Erick.
03:11Erick.
03:12Erick.
03:13Erick.
03:14They will not touch you, Mama.
03:18That is what they said in 1917.
03:24Get in the wardrobe.
03:26If I do not have my uniform in ten minutes, you will be shot.
03:30But, Colonel, your revolver is on the belt of the uniform,
03:34which is around the waist of the British Airman, who is not here.
03:38Get in the world.
03:40I do it.
03:42René, he is searching the restaurant and then he is on his way up here.
03:45Who is?
03:46Otto Flick of the Gestapo.
03:48Gestapo?
03:52Not a word.
03:53The Gestapo are coming.
03:54If they find the Germans in the wardrobe, I could be shot.
03:57I shall not yield to the torture of the Gestapo.
04:02Longleafroa!
04:06Shut up!
04:08They're Otto Flick.
04:11Good evening.
04:13Good evening, Herr.
04:14I am sorry to put you to inconvenience,
04:17but there are certain things I need to know.
04:20There are two German officers in the wardrobe,
04:23and the radio is on the back.
04:26Very amusing.
04:29I see I'm wasting my time here.
04:31I will take the cognac to the German officers in the room of my mother.
04:40If they do not get their uniforms soon, they will go med.
04:44Go with her, Yvette.
04:45She is under a great strain.
04:49René, when are we going to be alone?
04:52Go to the pantry.
04:54Wait for me by the brie.
04:55Keep the lid on until I arrive.
05:03Check the window.
05:06Oh, Claire.
05:08Put that chair at the back of the door.
05:09Now, climb on the chair.
05:17Oh, Maria.
05:18Oh, Claire!
05:21My little cabbage, my little bean chute.
05:24My big cucumber.
05:25You have no idea what the feel of your firm, young body does to me.
05:32Yes, I have.
05:34Hold me forever.
05:37Oh, oh, oh.
05:39What were you saying to Yvette?
05:41Nothing.
05:42Nothing, nothing.
05:43No, she is nothing to me.
05:45You are my only true love.
05:48But how long can we keep our first secret from your wife?
05:51Well, as long as my hearing is good and my reactions are quick.
05:54Someone at the window.
05:58Yes, I heard.
05:59But these cowardly old legs of mine are paralyzed with fear.
06:04I shall see who it is.
06:08Huh?
06:09Oh.
06:12You know, the velvet is wearing.
06:15We shall have to start using another chair soon.
06:19It is a resistance.
06:21Michelle, why are you here?
06:23Listen, very carefully.
06:24I shall say this only once.
06:26Renée.
06:28There is no bruit.
06:30I ate it last night.
06:32Listen, I shall say this only once.
06:34Renée.
06:35The German officers cannot stay in the room of my mother.
06:38London will be calling on the radio.
06:40The radio is under her bed and the loudspeaker is in her chamber.
06:44If the Germans hear her voice coming from her chamber pot,
06:46her cover will be blown.
06:48Shut up.
06:51Michelle has something to tell us.
06:53Listen, very carefully.
06:55I shall say this only once.
06:57What is it you are going to say?
06:59I haven't said it yet.
07:01If you listen, I will tell you.
07:03The suspense is killing me.
07:04The two British airmen wearing the German uniforms have been captured.
07:10No.
07:10Yes.
07:11No.
07:11Yes.
07:12No.
07:12Yes.
07:14Will nobody believe this woman?
07:18Get on with your story.
07:20They have been captured by the resistance.
07:22Then why are we worried?
07:23They have not been captured by our resistance.
07:26What other resistance is there?
07:28The communist resistance.
07:30What are you?
07:31De Gaulle.
07:31De Gaulle?
07:32He is the tall one.
07:33With the bigooter.
07:35Well, can you not just ask them if we can have our uniforms back?
07:39We do not know where they are hiding them.
07:41What is more, we do not speak to them.
07:44When the war is over, whichever is the strongest group will control France.
07:48The communists are ruthless killers.
07:50We will have to eliminate them.
07:52Well, we cannot get those Germans out of here without uniforms.
07:56Oh, the uniforms are no problem.
07:58London can do anything.
07:59I cannot tell the Germans I'm in touch with London.
08:03He was at me, shut.
08:04We could tell them Monsieur Leclerc de Faugère is a tailor.
08:08And he is going to make them new uniforms.
08:10René, you are married to a very clever woman.
08:14Well, I have always preferred brains to beauty.
08:18Unless they are big knockers.
08:21Go on to Leclerc.
08:26Look, how can we get uniforms from London?
08:28The wireless is under the bed and the Germans are in the wardrobe.
08:31This is no problem.
08:33We will send the message by pigeon.
08:35We have no pigeons.
08:37They will be provided.
08:39Tomorrow morning at midday, you will go to 36th Rue d'Escargot.
08:43You will knock three times and they will give you pigeons.
08:47To avoid suspicion, you will be disguised as a small boy.
08:53But why can't I be disguised as a small girl?
08:56Because you are a small girl.
08:58Do you know what to do?
09:03Yes, yes, of course.
09:05I am to pretend I am a tailor.
09:09But who do I measure?
09:11Two German officers.
09:12They are in the room of my mother.
09:14In the wardrobe.
09:15In their underwear.
09:17Of course.
09:18I have come for the measurements.
09:24Well, there it is.
09:26It's the undertaker.
09:29I have been to peak off.
09:34That voice.
09:37That face.
09:39Beauty's old eyes deceive me.
09:41Can it be after all these years?
09:49My Fanny.
09:52Can it be?
09:54It is Roger.
09:57My own sweetheart.
10:01Roger.
10:02Fanny.
10:04Roger.
10:06Fanny.
10:07After all these years, where have you been?
10:19In the nick, my life.
10:23And now fate has brought us together.
10:28Remember when we were young?
10:31You used to run your fingers through my lovely long hair.
10:39Yes.
10:40Well, remember, you always used to bite my ear.
10:47I remember.
10:52Where did I put my teeth?
10:55That is the bone there.
11:06Is that where they are hiding them?
11:07Oh, without a doubt.
11:09We must get those uniforms.
11:10So we have to attack.
11:12Now, listen very carefully.
11:14I shall say this only once.
11:17Right.
11:18Listen to me, my friends.
11:20Unless you tell us what we want to know,
11:23I will make life very uncomfortable for you.
11:26What's she talking about, do you suppose?
11:28I have actually no idea.
11:30The trouble is, I do believe they think we're Jerry's.
11:33Not Jerry's.
11:36In disguise.
11:37On your side.
11:39Show them the manito and the leads.
11:42Perhaps you recognize this method of loosening the tongue.
11:46I think I've got it, Carstairs.
11:49What is it?
11:49They've got a car that won't start
11:51and they want us to help them.
11:53Fortunately, I know nothing about cars.
11:56Neither do I.
11:57Sorry.
11:58Can't help.
12:01She seems damn keen to get it going.
12:04You have five minutes to talk.
12:06Otherwise, I will shoot you.
12:08If we don't get it going, she's going to shoot herself.
12:11That would be a damn shame.
12:13Such a pretty girl.
12:15We'd better agree to do what we can.
12:17We'll do what we can.
12:20I thought so.
12:21They are prepared to talk.
12:23Cut them down.
12:28Ready?
12:29Take aim.
12:30Fire!
12:33Quick!
12:34It's the Germans.
12:35Out the back way.
12:35I think we'd better take a powder, Carstairs.
12:39If that's the jellies, we could be shot as spies.
12:42We'd better get rid of these uniforms.
12:44Shove them on the fire.
12:50This fire.
12:56We are running for it.
12:58They think we are Germans.
13:00Get to the bridge.
13:01We will cut them off there.
13:03I thought they were on our side.
13:07Hear my song
13:09In my gondola
13:12Waiting on the old lagoon
13:18Renée, the German officers will wait no longer.
13:32They are coming downstairs.
13:33In their underwear?
13:34Oh, they have changed.
13:36Look.
13:38Where did they get those clothes?
13:40From the wardrobe in the room of your wife's mother.
13:43They are the disguises left by the British airmen.
13:46Ah!
13:47Pierre and Jack, the onion sellers.
13:50Wine on the house for my old friends, Pierre and Jack.
13:53Come and sit down over here, my friends.
13:55That's it.
13:56Sit very comfortably here.
13:58That is it.
13:59A brilliant disguise, Colonel.
14:01We'll have your uniforms back as soon as possible.
14:03You said that yesterday.
14:04If we do not get any uniforms today,
14:06you'll be shot up against a ball with guns.
14:10But I see you are a man of compassion.
14:13Even as you say these words,
14:14there are tears in your eyes.
14:16It's these damned onions.
14:19Ah!
14:19Ah!
14:21Little George, my nephew.
14:25Well, it's good to see you again, lad.
14:27I have what you want, Uncle, here.
14:29Yeah, good boy.
14:30Good boy.
14:31Now take that basket full of your school books
14:34and put it in the back room.
14:36For you, Uncle, anything more.
14:38The boy is very well built.
14:48It is my wife's cooking.
14:51Why is he wearing stockings and suspenders?
14:52We have many problems.
15:00Otto Flick, the Gestapo, is meeting me here for lunch.
15:03You must go at once.
15:04Too late.
15:04Here he is.
15:07Ah, Helga.
15:08You are here early.
15:09That is good.
15:10You told me not to be late.
15:12Your obedience pleases me.
15:14Sit.
15:14Yes, Herr Flick.
15:16Where?
15:17Here.
15:19You, French peasants.
15:21I am the Gestapo.
15:22I want this table.
15:24Go away, or you will be shot.
15:27I'll take that table.
15:29Helga.
15:30When I make up my mind I want something,
15:33I always get it.
15:34This I know, Herr Flick.
15:36That's why I find you so exciting.
15:39You, French peasants.
15:40I am speaking to you.
15:42Look at me.
15:46Colonel von Strom, Captain Kiering.
15:52Heil Hitler.
15:54Klopp.
15:56Why are you dressed in the fashion of onion sellers?
15:59We can explain.
16:00We can explain.
16:01I'm waiting.
16:03He's waiting.
16:05I'm trying to infiltrate the resistance.
16:08I am doing the same as he is.
16:11Just as a colonel, the French avoid me.
16:13I admit, these onions, I'm one of them.
16:16I am one of them, too.
16:19I must admit, you look like one of them.
16:23I could not help overhearing this conversation.
16:27This has got nothing to do with you.
16:31Go and drink your cognac.
16:35This is an idea worthy of the Gestapo.
16:39Helga, come with me.
16:40Yes, Herr Flick.
16:41Colonel, do you think he suspects anything?
16:46Not at the moment.
16:47But we must have those uniforms.
16:49Well, there is a slight problem, Colonel.
16:52What problem?
16:53You have our measurements.
16:54All we need is a fitting.
16:56Yes, well, that too would be a problem.
16:58You see, the uniforms are being made in London.
17:01What?
17:02Well, don't worry, they'll be made by the very best tailors.
17:05Maybe even Savile Row.
17:06Colonel, we are Germans.
17:09To have our uniforms made in London must be against the rules.
17:13That does it.
17:14I will tell the Gestapo and you will be shot.
17:17Ah, but dear Colonel, with respect,
17:21I'm afraid you are in too deep.
17:23There is the little matter of helping the British airmen to escape.
17:26You did do that, Colonel?
17:27Then there is the priceless painting of the fallen Madonna by Van Klomp,
17:32which is wanted by the Führer.
17:33You did pinch that, Colonel.
17:36Oh, yes.
17:37Just as deep as I am.
17:38I only follow orders.
17:39Your orders.
17:41Dear lovely Colonel, there is no real reason to worry.
17:45Very soon you will have your uniforms back
17:48and the copy of the painting to give to the Gestapo to please the Führer.
17:52The girls will be here with the wet celery
17:55and life will be back to normal.
17:59He is right, Colonel.
18:00He better be.
18:02This war is getting very dangerous.
18:04Ah.
18:05I will ask my wife to prepare for you a very special lunch.
18:09Edith,
18:11we must keep those onion sellers happy.
18:14Shall I sing in song for them?
18:16No.
18:17I want you to go into the kitchen
18:19and do something unforgettable.
18:22Really?
18:23You have not said that to me since April 1904.
18:34Maria?
18:36I am very cross with you.
18:38Shall I get on the chair?
18:40No.
18:42What are these doing here, hmm?
18:44They're suspenders to keep up my stockings.
18:47Gentlemen do not wear suspenders and stockings.
18:50You should see the colonel on a good night.
18:53You nearly gave away the old game.
18:56Now take those pigeons and hide them.
18:58And for heaven's sake, put on a dress.
19:01That German lieutenant thinks I'm like that.
19:03You, a ball paper?
19:05Yes.
19:05Don't move.
19:06Don't move.
19:07Lock the door.
19:10Are we alone?
19:12Well, unless you count the three of us, yes.
19:14Now, when have you found the British with the uniforms?
19:17We found them, but they'll run away.
19:18Do you have the pigeons?
19:20Yes.
19:21Good.
19:21I have here the cylinder to attach to their legs.
19:24Do you have the measurements of the German officers?
19:26Oh, yes.
19:26I've got them here.
19:27Good.
19:28Maria, you will put this in here
19:30and clip it to the leg of one of the pigeons.
19:32You, Renée, will write a description
19:34of the uniforms we require.
19:36Here is the pepper supplied with the cylinder.
19:39What shall I say?
19:41To London.
19:42Please supply urgently by parachute drop
19:45at your earliest convenience.
19:47German uniforms as follows.
19:50One colonel in resource regiment
19:52to a wizard for old men.
19:54Just a moment, please.
19:57How am I supposed to get all that
19:59on this little bit of paper?
20:01It was very small ratting.
20:04Do you know, if you had found those British,
20:06we could have got the uniforms back.
20:07We wouldn't have to go through all this, Farago.
20:12Here.
20:13Hello.
20:14Sorry about the togs.
20:16We had to fix them off a couple of scarecrows.
20:18Never mind that, chaps.
20:19What about the uniforms?
20:20We burnt them.
20:22We didn't want to be sort of spies.
20:24They're the painting safe, though.
20:26What are they jubbering about?
20:27They still have the picture,
20:29but they have burnt their uniforms.
20:31Oh, heck.
20:32Wait.
20:33They cannot stay here.
20:34Germans are everywhere.
20:35You will have to find somewhere.
20:37Well, there is only the room of my wife's mother.
20:39And the German colonel and captain are riding there.
20:42Oh, no, no.
20:43They are now in the restaurant disguised as onion sellers.
20:45Then we don't have to send the message by the pigeon.
20:49We can use the radio.
20:52What shall I do with these?
20:54I, then.
20:56Come, please.
21:01Hello, Mama.
21:02It is I, little Edith.
21:03What are you doing in the bed of my mother?
21:10Oh, well, we were childhood sweethearts.
21:15She was my love.
21:17But I thought I had lost it.
21:19And now, once again, he has phoned it.
21:25This could only happen in France.
21:28Here is your soup, Mama.
21:30Mama, I...
21:31What is the forger who is pretending to be a tailor doing in bed with your mother?
21:37Evil, old lover.
21:38Isn't it romantic?
21:41Rheumatic, I would say.
21:43Now, listen to me.
21:44For a very brief period, you must accommodate these two British airmen.
21:49These togs have a frightful pong.
21:51Could you hang them on a line or something?
21:53They take off their clothes.
21:55They are no better than the Germans.
21:57Protect me.
21:58Come on, chaps.
22:01You're in the hands.
22:02Lift the bed.
22:03Oh, right, though.
22:06The soup!
22:07Hold this!
22:08Oh, thank you very much.
22:09You have this.
22:10I say, they can't have much confidence in the soup.
22:14Hello, hello.
22:15This is Nighthawk.
22:17Are you receiving me?
22:18Over.
22:18These are my private quarters.
22:35I have had it made completely soundproofed.
22:38I can guess why.
22:40Yes.
22:42The noise of the lorries was keeping me awake at night.
22:47This is my godfather, Heinrich Himmler.
22:50That one is me in the Hitler Youth.
22:55Your knees are very beautiful.
22:58That's why I tried.
23:01Are Thomas in the Hitler Youth?
23:03We are two of a kind.
23:04You may kiss me.
23:05That gave me great pleasure.
23:24The world has a very exciting atmosphere.
23:32Do you interrogate people here?
23:34Well, just a little bit.
23:36I have to keep up appearances.
23:38Berlin expects this sort of thing.
23:40But as you know, I am a softie at heart.
23:44I sit in that chair.
23:46Yes, Herr Flick.
23:47I want some information from you.
23:58I'll tell you anything, Herr Flick, anything.
24:01The colonel and the captain.
24:03Do you think they know the whereabouts
24:05of the fallen Madonna by Van Klomp?
24:07I am sure they do not.
24:09Good.
24:10We will have some wine.
24:15Go to that cupboard.
24:16Yes, Herr Flick.
24:21Open it.
24:22Yes, Herr Flick.
24:25From time to time,
24:27it is necessary for the Gestapo
24:28to have many disguises.
24:32Bring me the two hangers
24:33on the extreme right.
24:34Yes, Herr Flick.
24:39These are the clothes of onion sellers.
24:42We will disguise ourselves
24:43and return to the cafe.
24:45Do you think they will fit?
24:47There is only one way to find out.
24:49Take off your uniform.
24:52Yes, Herr Flick.
24:53We will observe the normal proprieties.
25:08I will change behind this screen.
25:09Yes, Herr Flick.
25:09Continue to take off your uniform.
25:33Herr Flick.
25:34I hope you do not disapprove
25:36of my choice of undergarments.
25:37Not at all.
25:40Such things are very popular
25:42in Berlin these days.
25:43You know, Colin,
26:04it is quite pleasant
26:05to be a French onion seller.
26:07People smile at us.
26:08Hmm.
26:09Especially that German officer over there.
26:12I...
26:13Hello.
26:14I prefer, I think I prefer
26:17being a peasant
26:18to being a German.
26:20You'll be a dead peasant.
26:22Herr Flick finds out
26:22we've been helping
26:23British Airmen to escape.
26:26I have good news, Colonel.
26:28London is making your uniforms.
26:30They are working through the night
26:31and they will be dropped
26:32by parachute
26:33at dawn tomorrow.
26:34But how do we know
26:35they will fit?
26:36They are being made
26:36by the very best
26:37Savile Row tailors.
26:39Solomon and Klein.
26:43Jewish tailors?
26:45Are you mad?
26:47They are the best
26:48here, Colonel.
26:49That's not the point, Hans.
26:51It's the principle
26:52of the thing.
26:53If I'd known
26:54they were employing
26:54Jewish tailors,
26:56things would have been different.
26:57We could have ordered
26:57some extra shirts.
27:00Your lunch
27:01will soon be ready.
27:02What is it?
27:03Filter fish and bagels?
27:07No, it is a surprise.
27:09How much longer
27:09do we have to wait?
27:11Should I sing his own
27:12to help pass the time?
27:13No.
27:14Go back to the kitchen.
27:17Oh, my God.
27:18More onion sellers.
27:21Colonel.
27:23It is I,
27:24Helga.
27:26Why are you dressed
27:27as an onion seller?
27:28Herr Flick will be suspicious.
27:30She is also disguised
27:31as an onion seller.
27:36Good afternoon,
27:40Herr Patron.
27:41I am just
27:43a simple onion seller
27:44in search of wine
27:46and food.
27:47Sit.
27:48Yes, Herr Onion Seller.
27:49I will obtain
27:50wine and food
27:51at once.
27:53Monsieur René,
27:55that onion seller
27:56there,
27:57is he another cousin?
27:58Oh, very distant.
28:00Yes.
28:00I am beginning
28:00to recognize
28:01your cousins.
28:03They are all
28:03very well built.
28:06Here it is.
28:08A work of art.
28:11Casserole of pigeon.
28:16It looks very appetizing.
28:19Will you join us?
28:21I shall be most honored.
28:24Breast or leg?
28:26I like the legs.
28:27I can vouch
28:28for the truth of this.
28:30Where did you get pigeon?
28:32They were in a basket
28:33in the kitchen.
28:35You fool.
28:36They were carrier pigeons.
28:38No.
28:38Yes.
28:39No.
28:39Don't start.
28:40Look.
28:41There on the leg
28:42is a cylinder.
28:43It contains
28:44the measurements
28:45of the curve.
28:46There is a cylinder
28:47attached to the leg
28:49of this casserole pigeon.
28:52Er, er,
28:53spices,
28:54Herr Flick.
28:55They should have
28:56been removed.
28:57Allow me.
28:57Stop.
28:58I will investigate.
28:59Inside the cylinder
29:04covered in gravy
29:05there is a piece
29:08of paper
29:08with writing on it.
29:11Well, perhaps
29:12it is the recipe.
29:15Or, or, or,
29:16or maybe even
29:17the name and address
29:18of the pigeon.
29:20Clearly it is in code.
29:23This will go
29:23at once to Berlin
29:24to be deciphered
29:25by experts.
29:26Congratulations,
29:29Herr Colonel.
29:30Already these
29:31disguises are
29:32producing results.
29:38René,
29:39what was on that paper?
29:41What will they discover?
29:42Oh,
29:43only that somebody's
29:45inside leg measurement
29:46is 34,
29:47chest 42,
29:48and neck 17.
29:49Who is that person?
29:51You, Colonel.
29:52It works for the new uniform,
29:54but don't worry,
29:54your name was not upon it.
29:56Suppose they identified
29:57from the measurements?
29:59Colonel,
29:59many people
30:00have a 42 chest.
30:03Even Elgar,
30:03if you include
30:04our onions.
30:06What shall we do,
30:08Hans?
30:09I think
30:09we should
30:10eat the pigeons.
30:12Hans,
30:13you are right.
30:15Bring me
30:15the vegetables.
30:17And one,
30:17sir, Colonel.
31:24¶¶
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