- 2 days ago
Allo Allo S01E01 - The Fallen Madonna
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00:25We need more cement.
00:27Where is Yvette?
00:29She's in the kitchen with your wife mixing it.
00:31Mix? Not for me, I hope.
00:34She said she would bring it down when it was 30.
00:38Yvette, why have you been so long?
00:41Well, how could I walk through the cafe carrying a bucket of cement?
00:44It is full of German officers.
00:46But this is my wife's best mixing bowl.
00:49Which is why I was able to pretend it was full of pastry.
00:52Was nobody suspicious?
00:54One of the officers put his finger in and tested it.
00:56My God! What happened?
00:58He said your wife's cooking was getting better.
01:02What are you doing?
01:03I am hiding the painting of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies by Van Clark.
01:08Also the priceless cuckoo clock.
01:10If the Gestapo find out about them, I will be shot.
01:13If your wife finds out about you and me, you'll be shot.
01:17We live in dangerous times.
01:20Maria, go upstairs and stand by the door.
01:23If anyone approaches, stamp your foot.
01:25I need ten minutes.
01:28Just to put one little brick in?
01:30The patron knows his limitations.
01:32He's not acquainted with the art of laying bricks.
01:35He's certainly acquainted with the art of laying everything else.
01:38Go to your post!
01:43Rene, my love.
01:45Yvette, my flower.
01:47Oh!
01:48You are the most exciting man I have ever known.
01:51My love.
01:52Let me hold you down.
01:54No, no, my cabbage, no.
01:56It is getting hard and I must get it in.
02:03Rene!
02:04Rene!
02:04It is my wife!
02:07Rene!
02:09There are two black hand marks on the back of the blouse of Yvette.
02:12You came all the way down to the cellar to tell me that.
02:15The hand marks are the same size as your hand marks.
02:18Yes, of course they are.
02:20Well, when I hear you approach, I think it is the Gestapo
02:23and so I wipe my hands on the blouse of Yvette
02:25so they will not see I am building a wall.
02:27Oh, you think of everything.
02:29Yes, I hope so.
02:31I have a message for you.
02:33Michel is upstairs.
02:34Michel!
02:35From the resistance.
02:36I will come at once.
02:38Lay this brick.
02:39But I have no experience of laying bricks.
02:41Just pretend it is a German officer.
02:46You don't think she suspects us, do you?
02:48No, never.
02:50I let her think I am not interested in that kind of thing anymore.
02:53Does she believe you?
02:55She has too.
02:56I make her sleep in the wardrobe.
03:08The shell is in the back room.
03:10Should I sing a song to distract everyone?
03:13No.
03:14We don't want to lose any more customers.
03:16Would you rather come with me?
03:19Psst!
03:19I want you in the back room.
03:27A little note would have been more discreet.
03:30Not you, Maria!
03:33Oh, I was wondering why I wasn't getting anywhere.
03:42Where is Michel?
03:43I am here.
03:45Put that away.
03:46If it goes off, it could make a noise.
03:48Not to mention an hole.
03:51Who is in the cafe?
03:52Seven German officers and two sergeants from the 3rd Panzer Grenadiers.
03:57That is all right.
03:58Where are the two British Germans?
03:59They are hiding in the room of my mother.
04:01And the four-year?
04:02He is disguised as a piano player.
04:05He plays for me when I sing for the customers.
04:08He is a very bad pianist.
04:09But when my wife sings, nobody notices.
04:13The customers stuff cheese in their ears.
04:18Gather round.
04:20Now listen very carefully.
04:21I shall say these only words.
04:23Well, in that case, could you please speak slowly?
04:27There is no time.
04:28I have information that you are to be interrogated by the Germans.
04:31What?
04:32It is from a reliable source.
04:34It is good information.
04:35Well, for me it is the very worst information I have ever heard.
04:39Have they blown our cover?
04:41We have no cover, you silly old bat.
04:45I am a restaurant owner, you are my wife.
04:49Please do not use sophisticated expressions you do not understand.
04:53They don't suspect that we are trying to hide the British Germans, do they?
04:57We don't know.
04:58But they are ruthless men.
05:00They may even take your wife and torture her in front of you.
05:03Oh, Renée.
05:04Do not worry.
05:06I will tell them nothing.
05:11On the other end, they may just work on you to drag out of you everything you know.
05:16But I know very little except your name and the fact that we are riding a few British airmen.
05:21And then there is the radio under the bed and the code book and in the cellar the cuckoo clock
05:27and the painting of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies.
05:30You see, she remembers much more than I do.
05:33She is the one they should interrogate.
05:36Here, take this ring.
05:38That is very nice of you but I do not wear jewellery.
05:41It is hollow.
05:43Huh?
05:43So, inside is a pill.
05:45If they torture you and you cannot stand the pain, crush it between your teeth.
05:49Oh, I see. It is a painkiller.
05:53You will feel nothing.
05:54For how long?
05:56Forever.
05:58Oh, my God. All I want is a quiet life.
06:02Take that and you'll have one.
06:05Look.
06:06Are you sure that they will send for me?
06:10Hello, hello.
06:12Café Renée.
06:13It is for you.
06:18Hello.
06:20It is Colonel Von Strom.
06:22What shall I say?
06:23Act normally.
06:31Hello, Colonel.
06:33How nice to hear your voice again.
06:36You wish to order a table?
06:38No?
06:40Well, when are you going to come to see us again, Colonel?
06:44Huh?
06:45You want me to come and see you?
06:48Oh, well.
06:49No, no, this is very difficult, Colonel.
06:50You see, I am a very busy man.
06:52I have the café and the kitchen and my wife.
06:56And my bicycle has got a puncture.
06:58I...
07:00I...
07:00No.
07:01No, there will be no need to send an armoured car.
07:04No.
07:05I...
07:06Yes, bye.
07:09Quick.
07:09My walking boots and I'll have a sec.
07:11And make some sandwiches.
07:12But the German headquarters is only two minutes from here.
07:15Yes.
07:15But I am heading for the coast.
07:18You fool.
07:19If you disappear, they will tear this place apart and we will all be shot.
07:22No.
07:23You must go to them and bluff it out.
07:26I am rapidly running out of bluff.
07:32Here, Colonel.
07:33Here, look.
07:35All we need is a pair of pliers to turn the tap and a length of rubber hose to connect
07:40this old gas poker.
07:42Then we have a nice warm fire whenever we want.
07:44Well done, Hans.
07:46Order them right away.
07:49Herr Colonel, there is a man here to see you.
07:53Is he from the Gestapo?
07:55No.
07:55He's French.
07:56And he's very nervous.
07:57Herr Colonel, it could be the Gestapo pretending to be French.
08:01All right, Hans.
08:02We must be very careful.
08:03What's his name?
08:05Monsieur Rene.
08:06It's Rene from the café.
08:08Show him in.
08:11The Colonel will see you now.
08:19Oh, Colonel, what an honor it is to be received in your wonderful commandeered office.
08:26I have taken the liberty of bringing a few simple, worthless gifts for you.
08:31A bottle of Chateau Lafitte 37.
08:33Some rather good cigars, which I was keeping until after the war was over,
08:37but as you were doing so well, I thought you might as well have them now.
08:41Some cheese.
08:42A little cognac.
08:44Napoleon, of course.
08:46And a small bottle of perfume for your assistant.
08:49Thank you very much, but I don't wear it.
08:52Not you.
08:53This assistant.
08:55This beautiful young lady.
08:57This fine example of German womanhood.
08:59Oh, thank you.
09:01Now, what can I do for you, Colonel?
09:03We just want you to answer a few questions.
09:06Will there be anything else, Colonel?
09:08Will there be anything else, Hans?
09:09Yes, Colonel.
09:10We shall require a pair of pliers and some rubber hose.
09:13Oh, no, not the pliers and the rubber hose.
09:16I will tell you everything I know.
09:18It is so we can get the gas poker working.
09:21Not the gas poker.
09:23I will tell you everything I don't know.
09:25Sit down, Rene.
09:28We have a serious problem.
09:30Yes, well, I don't think it's as serious as my problem.
09:33We know you have been hiding British airmen and helping them to escape.
09:37Well, I know you know that, Colonel, but may I remind you that on your behalf, I am also hiding
09:42a valuable old painting, which you hope to sell after the war.
09:461-0?
09:49Not to mention a priceless cuckoo clock.
09:522-1?
09:54No, Hans, no score.
09:57Because we're going to hand that painting to the Gestapo.
09:59And then they will leave us in peace.
10:02Because we will hand you over as well.
10:05Oh, but, Colonel, that painting was to be your pension after the war.
10:10With it, you could have bought your own little Berchtesgaden in the mountains.
10:15If you hand it over, you will have nothing.
10:17And if you hand me over, well, the café will not be the same without jolly, jovial, generous Rene.
10:25The life and soul of any party.
10:29It is very sad, Rene, but there is no other course open to us.
10:33But we've enjoyed your hospitality.
10:35Yes, I had noticed.
10:38We've always regarded you as a friend.
10:40Well, I look upon you in the same way, Colonel.
10:44And the captain, and the young lady out there with the big...
10:46We all think of her as a friend.
10:49The last thing in the world we want is for you to suffer at the hands of the Gestapo.
10:54Well, you are most considerate, Colonel.
10:56So, I am going to give you this ring.
10:59Inside is a pill.
11:02Flush it with your teeth!
11:04And in one and a half seconds, you shall be like a dead beetle.
11:09I don't think I shall ever forget your kindness, Colonel.
11:13Perhaps Rene would like to give his wife one.
11:16Even a Frenchman cannot think of that sort of thing at a time like this.
11:19Yes, sir, take it.
11:25Colonel, a little idea is running around in my brain.
11:29How would it be if we let the Gestapo find a copy of the painting?
11:33You have a copy of the painting?
11:35No, no, but perhaps one could be made by, let us say, a forger.
11:41You know a forger?
11:42Well, in my business, you meet all sorts.
11:45Mind you, he would want paying.
11:47How much?
11:48Well, money means so very little in these hard times,
11:51but perhaps a bottle of Chateau Lafitte 37
11:55and some cigars and a little cognac.
11:59What about the cheese?
12:01You may keep the cheese.
12:03We could use it to stuff in our ears when his wife sings in the cafe.
12:12Ladies and gentlemen,
12:13now it is cabaret time at the Cafe Rene,
12:16and tonight to sing for you we have Madame Edith.
12:23Oh, my dear friends, thank you for your welcome.
12:28Are there any requests?
12:33Well, in that case, I will sing for you an old favourite under the bridges of Paris.
12:39Would you oblige me with the cheese board and hurry?
12:44My darling, why I sing this song is easy to explain.
12:57Oh, Yvette, it was a nightmare, but I thought I was never going to get out of there alive.
13:03Question after question after question.
13:05Only I gave nothing away.
13:08Oh, Yvette, you are so brave.
13:11While you were there, I lit candles.
13:14You were praying for me?
13:16We had a power cut.
13:19Oh, Yvette, I never thought I was going to hold you in my arms again.
13:23Oh, Yvette.
13:25Oh, Yvette.
13:25Oh, Yvette.
13:26Oh, Yvette.
13:26Oh, Yvette.
13:39Oh, Yvette.
13:40Are you finished?
13:43I mustn't use Gruyere again.
13:48It has too many holes.
13:53Good evening.
13:56It's Herflake.
13:57Of the Gestapo.
13:58Of the Gestapo.
13:59Would you like a table?
14:01Not in here.
14:02I have ordered a private room.
14:05Oh, Rene has reserved it for you, Herflake.
14:07Would you come this way?
14:16Oh, you have just missed the cabaret.
14:20But never mind.
14:21Later, I will sing for you privately.
14:25That will not be necessary.
14:29This is our private room, Herflake.
14:32And these are the candlesticks of my mother.
14:37This is adequate.
14:45I shall require a bottle of your best wine at once.
14:48Oh, of course, Herflake.
14:51You will sit there.
14:58You're so forceful and dominating.
15:01It's very exciting.
15:03Good.
15:06Be very careful.
15:09This is our life insurance.
15:13But maybe, on the other hand, it could be our death warrant.
15:16Ah.
15:18Monsieur Leclerc, take a look at this.
15:21Oh, it is the fall of Madonna with the big boobies.
15:26Can you do another one?
15:29Three big boobies?
15:32Yes.
15:33Can you forge another picture?
15:36Ah.
15:37Ah.
15:37The signature.
15:39Yes.
15:40The painting.
15:42No.
15:42It's not a forger.
15:44It's not a forger.
15:45But not a painting.
15:47Monsieur René.
15:48What?
15:48Autoflake is in the back room.
15:50OK.
15:50Ah.
15:50And England will be calling you one minute on the radio in the middle of your mother-in-law.
15:56How close to disaster we live in this world of cloak and dagger.
16:00Shall I add it again?
16:02Yes.
16:02But don't brick it up.
16:03We may need it later.
16:05The resistance may have a proper forger.
16:13Hello, Mama.
16:16What is the matter?
16:17Why are you knocking with your stick?
16:19To make you hear me.
16:22All day I am alone.
16:25No one comes to see me.
16:27What kind of a life is this for your poor mother?
16:31Gazing at the ceiling and eating onion soup.
16:38Nothing but onion soup.
16:42Do not light the candle till I have opened the window.
16:47Oh.
16:49So.
16:50At last you come to see your poor old frail mother-in-law.
16:57Shut up.
16:59Here is the loudspeaker.
17:03I am sorry.
17:05Oh.
17:08Oh.
17:09Oh.
17:09Get the code book.
17:10Where is it?
17:11In the water.
17:16Here.
17:17Here we are.
17:18Oh.
17:18There we are.
17:19Hey.
17:19Stay where you are.
17:21Huh?
17:23Here it is.
17:38Here it is.
17:39Pass your message, please.
17:42The baby will arrive a week early.
17:46Look it up in the code book.
17:48The baby will arrive a week early.
17:52Oh, my daughter.
17:54I've been blessed.
17:56I've been a grandchild at last.
18:00You old fool, I have not put her in the family way.
18:04So no worse.
18:06We are just looking it up in the book.
18:11So many strangers.
18:14I feel no shame.
18:17It means the British airmen are being picked up tonight.
18:20That's a week early, but I'll be glad to see the back of them.
18:23Allo, allo, your message understood over and out, and things.
18:31Benny, listen very carefully.
18:34I shall say this only once.
18:36The airmen must leave immediately.
18:38Well, they cannot leave by the main entrance.
18:40It is being watched, and everyone is being questioned.
18:43Then they must leave by the back, through the window of your office.
18:46They cannot go that way.
18:47Air Flick is having his dinner in there.
18:50Then they must leave by this window.
18:52What?
18:52We have no letter.
18:53We take the sheets from the bed and have them together.
18:56Good idea.
18:58Oh, how can you treat them for nothing in this manner?
19:03It's very easy.
19:07Now I want to see some good, tight knots.
19:10Yes, of course you do.
19:12Now, Michelle, before I forget, we have to make a copy of the following Madonna with the
19:15big boobies.
19:16Well, let Monsieur Leclerc do it.
19:18He cannot paint.
19:19Neither can he play the piano.
19:20No, the customer has blocked their ears.
19:25We are nobody, but perhaps we could send it to England to have it copied.
19:29We could send it with the two British airmen.
19:31Yeah.
19:32Yvette, go and get it.
19:34Now, we must get the bed to the window and tie the sheets to it.
19:40Come on, chaps.
19:40Lend a hand.
19:41Bed to window.
19:42Hey, come on, chaps.
19:44May one inquire why.
19:45You're going out that way.
19:47And for heaven's sake, don't knock any slates off the roof.
19:49We just start further downstairs.
19:50Roger.
19:54I hope you enjoy the food and everything.
19:57Do not disturb us again.
19:59No, Herr Flick.
20:06Helga, I think you should know that I had an ulterior motive for bringing you here.
20:10This comes as no surprise to me, Herr Flick.
20:13We are not here just to eat and drink.
20:16It is very exciting to be with a man who knows what he wants.
20:19Of course.
20:20The way you ordered the chocolate mousse sent shivers down my spine.
20:25Why is it everybody is so frightened of me?
20:28Deep down, I'm quite a softie.
20:30Don't destroy my illusions, Herr Flick.
20:34I did not wish to be in the Gestapo, you know.
20:37My godfather, Heinrich Himmler, insisted.
20:44I'm not sure about this wine.
20:48I expect the proprietor has the better bottles hidden in the cellar.
20:53I think you're right about the wine, Herr Flick.
20:56It's made me feel very warm all over.
21:03On the other hand, now that it has had a chance to breathe, it has a very mellow aftertaste.
21:16Has he reached the ground yet?
21:18No.
21:19He's climbing back.
21:21What for the idiot?
21:23Here, I have it, the picture.
21:26How much longer must we suffer the indignities of this wine?
21:32Shut up.
21:34And sheets too short.
21:36Couldn't you jump?
21:38Twenty foot?
21:39And not in a parachute brigade?
21:41What's happening?
21:41The sheets are too short.
21:43They will have to go through the front door.
21:44But they will be questioned by the Germans.
21:47The Germans?
21:50Do not mention the Germans in front of my mother.
21:53It takes so long to clear up.
21:57There is only one answer.
21:59They will have to live disguised as Germans in German uniforms.
22:02German uniforms, she says.
22:04Where do we get German uniforms?
22:07Well, can your girls not help us?
22:08Well, Yvette, dear, sweet, innocent little Yvette, now, you know I would not ask this of you normally, but you
22:20will be doing it for France.
22:21I will be doing it for 1,000 francs.
22:26What about Maria?
22:27She'd do it for 750.
22:31You seem to be very much on edge, Herr Flick.
22:35Well, I have had a hard day.
22:37It is not easy being hated by so many people, you know.
22:42Not when you are as sensitive as I am.
22:44I think you're bearing up very well.
22:47Not as well as you.
22:52Does this relax you more?
22:54No.
22:56But I'm enjoying it.
23:01You're actually asking us to lend you our uniform.
23:05Colonel, believe me, it is the only way to get the picture to England to have it copied.
23:09But, Colonel, if the Gestapo ever found out that we have been helping British Airmen to escape, do you not
23:14think that they would be cross?
23:19If they find out about the stolen painting, they will be cross.
23:22Look.
23:23Look.
23:24You will be upstairs with the girls and your uniforms will be quietly stolen.
23:30After a brief but very enjoyable interval, they will be returned to you.
23:35Now, what do you say, Colonel?
23:37Look, the girls are waiting.
23:39Look.
23:46Will there be time for the flying helmet and the wet celery?
23:51Just.
23:54I agree.
23:56What about you, Hans?
23:58Well, I am thinking about my little wife in Berlin.
24:01What about Maria and the egg whisk?
24:05Well, I am thinking that Berlin is a very long way away.
24:16My wife is about the same size as Maria, height-wise.
24:24It is all fixed, but don't forget the boots.
24:27Boots?
24:28I shall seek stuff for boots.
24:32Their boots?
24:34Oh.
24:39Get out of your talks, chaps.
24:41Uniforms will be here any second.
24:42Oh, good show.
24:47What is happening?
24:49They are taking off their clothes, ready for their disguise.
24:52They must have removed their trousers in front of my mother.
24:59It is war.
25:01I understand.
25:06I say, look at the crumpets.
25:11Get cracking, chaps.
25:12Do you think we've got time?
25:14Not then.
25:15The clothes.
25:24You French people, you have some very nice jewellery.
25:32I have a trinket that is much admired.
25:36Really?
25:39May I show it to you?
25:41If you must, yes.
25:48It has a picture inside.
25:50Oh.
25:51Look.
25:52Oh, yes.
25:53What lovely long blonde hair.
25:56Yes, isn't it?
25:58Unfortunately, he had to have it cut off when he joined the army.
26:08Are they ready?
26:09Well, they are dressed, but they're not very realistic.
26:12Oh, my God.
26:20And they've forgotten the painting.
26:22The what?
26:23The fallen Madonna with the big boobies.
26:26I say, chaps, you've forgotten the picture.
26:28No, we haven't.
26:29We took it out of the frame.
26:31Where is it now?
26:37For heaven's sake, try to look more German.
26:40Right there.
26:46Good night, gentlemen.
26:48Come again soon.
26:49Give my love to the Fuhrer.
26:51Heal Hitler.
26:53Heal Hitler.
26:54Heal Hitler.
26:54Heal Hitler.
26:57Well, cheerio.
26:59Cheerio.
27:07Hans, there go our uniforms.
27:10They promised them back in 15 minutes.
27:13That was 10 minutes ago.
27:15How quickly the war passes when you're enjoying yourself.
27:18Heal Hitler.
27:22Is that a bit the cockles?
27:27Oh.
27:29Whoo.
27:32Whoo.
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