- 2 days ago
Charlie is an Expert Witness
Nolan has become unusually quiet in group therapy, so Charlie gives him a weekend assignment to paint his feelings. Lacey takes a surprising liking to the macabre work of art, while Ed attempts to get his wife out of his new "man-cave". Meanwhile, Charlie and Kate testify as expert witnesses for different sides in a court case.
Nolan has become unusually quiet in group therapy, so Charlie gives him a weekend assignment to paint his feelings. Lacey takes a surprising liking to the macabre work of art, while Ed attempts to get his wife out of his new "man-cave". Meanwhile, Charlie and Kate testify as expert witnesses for different sides in a court case.
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TVTranscript
00:00Well, thanks, Charlie. That was sex.
00:04I had one off night. Check my stats.
00:07Whenever you have a runner in squaring position, I always drop one in the gap and bring him home.
00:12Can we not call it the gap?
00:15I prefer the term my mother used, the shameful place we do not touch.
00:20I'm just saying, it's usually amazing.
00:23Even you have nights where you're tired or distracted.
00:25Hey, my just lying there is better than most women moving, and that comes from a review of me on
00:30Yelp.
00:32I'll make it up to you next time.
00:33How do you know there'll be a next time?
00:35Because I'm convenient.
00:38And whether you want to admit it or not, you like spending time with me.
00:43Or perhaps I'm just biologically compelled to act nicer to you because my oxytocin levels rise during sex.
00:48You, on the other hand, are always swimming in oxytocin.
00:52Come on in. The oxytocin's fine.
00:56Do you ever have an emotion you don't act on?
00:58You're like a toddler or one of those women on The Price is Right.
01:03I've got to go.
01:04I've got a meeting tomorrow morning at the public defender's office.
01:07I'm in the running for a job as an expert witness.
01:10Why doesn't anyone ever ask me to be an expert witness? I'd be great at it.
01:13You?
01:17What?
01:18Come on. I've got a doctorate.
01:20I have major credentials. I've been published.
01:23So have I.
01:24You had an ad in the penny saver.
01:28Not in. I had the cover.
01:31Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold on. Hold on.
01:33I'm licensed. I'm board certified.
01:37And I'm good looking.
01:39Juries trust good looking people. It's a scientific fact.
01:42Who told you that?
01:43Some girl I'm in the bar.
01:45Why would she lie? She was beautiful.
01:50I don't think the public defender's going to hire you, Charlie. She has very high standards.
01:55It's a one?
01:57I can make this happen.
01:59Give me your name.
02:01Okay. Fine. If you're up for the rejection, her name is Shelly Traham.
02:06No way.
02:08What? You know her?
02:09Yeah. Yeah. Back when I was a ball player, I got into a bar fight. I needed a lawyer and
02:13she handled my case.
02:14She might have also handled some other things.
02:17And we might have slept together.
02:19And I might have never called her back.
02:23Well, now we know why you might never get an expert witness gig.
02:27Hmm.
02:28Wait. Excuse me.
02:29Could you please say something positive, encouraging, or nice before you go?
02:33I think you have a childlike sense of wonder.
02:38If you think you're getting an expert witness gig.
02:42And I'm positive about that.
02:45And I'm encouraging you to avoid the embarrassment.
02:51And?
02:52Nice talking to you.
02:57First of all, Shelly, thanks for seeing me.
03:00You look great.
03:01And obviously you're doing great. I'm impressed.
03:03Forget about me. What about you?
03:05An anger management therapist?
03:07Honestly, I didn't see a real bright future for that ticking time bomb I saw arguing with the toilet in
03:12the drunk tank.
03:13That was a toilet?
03:15I thought I was a short white guy with a big mouth.
03:19What can I do for you?
03:21Well, before I get to that, I want to apologize for never calling you back.
03:24I felt terrible about it.
03:26Charlie, it was a million years ago.
03:28It's forgotten.
03:29So forgotten that you'd be willing to, say, put me in the list of expert witnesses that you hire?
03:34Well, I don't know.
03:34Let me ask you a question.
03:36If I called you to be an expert witness, would you, say, call me back?
03:42Are you kidding?
03:43When I want something, I call back.
03:47I mean, now I have the confidence to call back when it's something I want.
03:51I was so intimidated by you.
03:53Oh, Charlie, shut up.
03:54I'm screwing with you.
03:55Of course I'll put you on the list.
03:57In fact, I have a case coming up, but I already have somebody in mind.
04:00Do you know a Kate Wales?
04:02Know her.
04:03We're friends.
04:04We went to grad school together.
04:05What do you think of her?
04:07Is she a better choice than you?
04:08Wow, big question.
04:10Well, she has the credentials.
04:13And I would never say anything bad about Kate, but she's cold, arrogant.
04:20And she has this very annoying habit of underestimating her opponents.
04:25So you came down here to apologize to me for screwing me over.
04:29And while you're at it, you screw over your friend?
04:33I guess it sounds pretty bad, doesn't it?
04:35No, sounds perfect.
04:37I am looking for a witness who wants to win at all costs, with no scruples whatsoever.
04:42Well, I think our history has proved that I have no scruples.
04:45You're hired.
04:46I'll send over the case files later.
04:49And I won't disappoint you, and I really hope this isn't going to be a one-time thing.
04:53I've said that before, haven't I?
05:00I got my den fixed up exactly like I wanted.
05:03Wood paneling, deer head on the wall, flat screen TV.
05:07Freshly opened can of Opas.
05:10Ed, it sounds to me like you have a man cave.
05:13What the hell is a man cave?
05:15It's a place where you keep all your favorite stuff.
05:17You can do whatever you want, and nobody bothers you.
05:19You used to be gone to your life, but then you got married, so now it's just a room.
05:24Well, the problem is, my wife is in there more than I am.
05:28She said I needed a plant in there, so now she's in there all the time, taking care of
05:32the plant.
05:33You know, feeding it, watering it, talking to it.
05:36What did she say to it?
05:37We need to go out some.
05:39We never do nothing.
05:40Are you listening to me at all?
05:43I think she's talking to you.
05:45Oh, that makes sense.
05:48The woman's lonely.
05:50She's desperate for company.
05:52I don't need that in my den.
05:54How do I get her out of there?
05:56I have a similar...
05:57Say it in your head.
05:59Give me $500, and I'll figure out a way to get your wife out.
06:03Lacey, I don't think the problem is getting Ed's wife out of his den.
06:07But then I can't make $500 to get a pair of leopard print shoes that I want.
06:11Lacey, we're trying to be supportive here, not make money for shoes.
06:14They're not just shoes.
06:15They're a symbol.
06:16A symbol of how much I want things.
06:19Okay, I think we're out of time.
06:21So you'll have to continue this conversation about shoes without a licensed therapist in the room.
06:27Nolan, can I see you for a sec?
06:32I notice that you're having some trouble getting your thoughts out in group.
06:35You know, sometimes we can better express ourselves through art than we can through words.
06:39So this weekend, I want you to paint anything that upsets you, belittles you, or humiliates you.
06:44Like the way I've been singled out for this assignment?
06:48Nolan is not meant to be a punishment.
06:51Well, could it be?
06:54I've been an artist for like a minute, and I'm already blocked.
07:01Surprise.
07:03Hey, what's going on?
07:04This is for you.
07:05Congratulations on getting the job.
07:07The better man won.
07:08Listen, I was going to tell you.
07:10I feel bad that Shelly picked me over you, the doctor, with all the qualifications.
07:15Gee, I don't know what to wish for.
07:17I pretty much got everything I want.
07:23Is there a pony standing next to me?
07:26Stop being a jerk.
07:27I'm happy for you.
07:29Really?
07:29You are?
07:29Well, that's a very mature of you.
07:32Of course, when I found out, I immediately went to the prosecution and got a job as their
07:37expert witness.
07:41Do you want to light my candle for me?
07:43Oh, what am I talking about?
07:44I can do it myself.
07:45I'm a doctor.
07:47I'm a doctor.
07:49We're going to be on opposite sides of the case?
07:51We're sleeping together.
07:52Isn't that completely unethical?
07:54I won't tell if you won't.
07:56Well, it's an elaborate plan, but it just might work.
07:59And I hope this won't affect our relationship when you end up on the losing side and I'm
08:03on the winning side, because that's how it's going to be.
08:05You know why?
08:06Because they flipped the definition of losing and winning in the dictionary.
08:10By the way, there's no comeback to that.
08:13No, because you're too emotional.
08:15You wear all your feelings on your sleeve.
08:17The best expert witnesses are always cool and dispassionate.
08:22The ones who are easily rattled on the stand have their credibility completely undermined.
08:29See?
08:29See, this is where you and I are completely different.
08:31I certainly don't want you to win, but I don't wish you ill.
08:34I would never do anything to try to intimidate you or undermine your confidence or even...
08:46Oh, look.
08:48My cupcake's the biggest again.
08:53And it's getting worse.
08:55I mean, she didn't want to leave the den, so I turned on the wrestling.
08:59Well, she liked it.
09:01So I changed over to football.
09:03She liked that.
09:04Maybe it's that I have to pee, but it seems like you've been talking forever.
09:10Is Charlie around?
09:11Yeah, he's just brewing up some coffee.
09:13He asked me to pee my feelings.
09:16And boy, did I.
09:18Can't wait to show them.
09:21Do you want to see it?
09:23Desperately.
09:25It's multimedia art, which I've told is a thing.
09:34I call it the way I feel inside.
09:37Parentheses, not good.
09:40Well, you know, this is one of those things where either you love it or you're sane.
09:46I was going to give it to Lacey as a gift.
09:48I want her to see the real me.
09:51You know what, Nolan?
09:52That is the best idea I've heard in my entire life.
09:58Hey, Lacey, I have a gift for you.
10:02Close your eyes.
10:03Okay.
10:04Please be shoes.
10:05Please be shoes.
10:06Please be shoes.
10:07Oh, my God.
10:11You know what?
10:13It's perfect.
10:14Yeah, I just want to hang it.
10:19I always figured you'd end up hanging in Lacey's house, but I just assumed it would be from a pipe
10:23in her garage.
10:26It's called compression men's underwear.
10:29Oh, hey, look at these underwear.
10:31They make your ass look good in your jeans.
10:35Hey, guys.
10:38What are you looking at?
10:39Porn.
10:41Mostly Asian shy girls.
10:42Why?
10:43What, are you writing a book about it?
10:45What is all this stuff?
10:46Case files.
10:47I need to review them because I am an expert witness.
10:52Good luck.
10:53I've watched many, many hours of Law & Order.
10:56SVU, criminal intent, trial by jury, and I've seen what a tough DA can do to an expert witness.
11:02They hammer at them, twist their words, and these are respected character actors.
11:07Hey, I'm going to have a field day with you, my angry friend.
11:11They're going to get you so worked up and stressed out, you're going to think you're the guy on trial.
11:15Well, it's just what Kate said.
11:17You know what?
11:18I need to rehearse so I can get used to it.
11:20Okay.
11:21Why don't you try to get me mad?
11:22All right.
11:24Where were you on the night of April 14th?
11:26I know where I was.
11:27Doing your mother.
11:31Dude, uncool.
11:32What if they pull that in court?
11:33They're not going to talk about banging my mother in court.
11:36I don't know.
11:37Is the case about whores?
11:40Hey, that's your last warning.
11:41Excuse me, counselor.
11:44I'll take the witness.
11:45I saw that in Law & Order.
11:47They always call him the witness.
11:48It dehumanizes them.
11:50I own this bitch.
11:53Isn't it true that you give your ex-wife spousal support?
11:57Yes, I do.
11:59Plenty.
11:59Judging by your response, I'd say that money is an issue in your relationship.
12:03Do you remember giving me $700 cash for a dental bill for your daughter, Samantha Goodson?
12:10What did you do, Jen?
12:13Do you remember denying your ex-wife a similar amount of money,
12:16saying she didn't need to go see the Allman Brothers in Louisiana?
12:20Jen, why do you do this stupid crap?
12:22This is why you're always broke.
12:23And I hope the Allman Brothers like you, because you're going to be sleeping in their van.
12:27And another thing, this, this is my laundry basket.
12:32Forty-nine seconds.
12:33And it's not a van, it's a bus, and it's very comfortable.
12:37Man, I didn't even make it through a whole minute.
12:39And those were your shirts.
12:40I did them when I watched Sam's stuff.
12:44Bad news, Dad.
12:45The cash-only dentist says I need more work.
12:47Can I have 300 bucks?
12:48Too late, honey.
12:49He already knows.
12:50Well, then can I at least go to the dentist?
12:56Well, then can I at least go to the dentist?
13:01Um, I'll give you an example.
13:03I'm a bit nervous about testifying under trial tomorrow.
13:06Are you a snitch?
13:07Because if you are, you should be afraid right now.
13:12No, I was hired as an expert witness for the defense.
13:15Oh.
13:16One of the guys that lies for us.
13:18Oh.
13:19Liar.
13:19Liar.
13:20I love him.
13:20Talk your ass off.
13:21No, no, I don't have to lie.
13:24The case is about a guy who, in a sudden fit of rage, tore someone's prosthetic arm off
13:28and beat him into a coma with it.
13:30Well, I'm really just there to say that the guy couldn't control his anger.
13:34But I'm worried that I may lose my temper under cross-examination.
13:37Ooh.
13:38Put a quarter between your buttcheeks.
13:41Say what now?
13:44A quarter.
13:44It'll distract you.
13:45You'll be so focused on keeping the quarter there, it'll take your mind off your anger
13:49during the trial.
13:51Oh, please.
13:52That's your solution for everything.
13:56You got a quarter in your ass right now.
13:58Ain't no trial going on.
14:02No, it really works.
14:04It helped me pass a lie detector test, too.
14:07I'll tell you this.
14:08If it weren't for the quarter, I'd have a lot more consecutive life terms.
14:12Ooh, and you don't put it inside.
14:14You just hold it there between the cheeks.
14:17You don't put it inside the slot unless you're giving pony rides.
14:22Well, I appreciate the advice.
14:24I think I'll explore some less radical alternatives.
14:26All I'm saying is heads and tails never fails, and a silver dollar will make you holler.
14:33As the author of numerous studies on the subject of behavioral psychology, I can categorically
14:40state that this was not spontaneous rage.
14:43It was a brutal, premeditated attack.
14:47No further questions.
14:48Dr. Wales.
14:50I'd like to call to the stand the expert witness for the defense, Charles Goodson, for cross-examination.
14:57It's the prosecution, baby.
14:58They're going to eat you alive.
15:01Trust me.
15:02I'm money.
15:14I'd like to remind the witness that he's still under oath.
15:17Now, yesterday, Mr. Goodson, you asked the jury to believe that a man could, in a split
15:23second, fly into a red-hot rage, remove a prosthetic arm, and then use it to violently
15:29beat someone who is literally, at that moment, unarmed.
15:33Yes, I'm in.
15:34Now, you realize, Kate Wales, an established social scientist, papers published in four languages,
15:40a member of the APA, the CBBS, and the NASW, disagrees with you.
15:46Are you a member of any of these organizations?
15:49Maybe.
15:51What does CBBS stand for?
15:54I'll take that as a no.
15:57Isn't it true, Mr. Goodson, that you just fell into this line of work after destroying
16:01your professional baseball career in a fit of rage?
16:04Well, not exactly.
16:05Not exactly?
16:06You broke a bat over your own knee.
16:08That was 20 years ago.
16:09And after that, like a lot of other washed-up athletes, you thought, what am I going to
16:14do for a living?
16:15Can I talk for a second?
16:16And instead of opening a car dealership or a sports bar fronting a cocaine operation,
16:20you decided, I'm going to be an anger therapist.
16:24Hey, you want to object or something?
16:26Just talk to me right here, Mr. Goodson.
16:27Please don't speak to her.
16:28She's not going to help.
16:29I don't need any help.
16:30I am a qualified anger therapist.
16:32Oh, well, that's obvious, Mr. Goodson.
16:34You're certainly not a dumb jock who's out of his league in this courtroom.
16:39I'm enough of a dumb jock to kick your ass!
16:45And if the prosecutor had an artificial limb, I would certainly have wrenched it from its
16:50socket and beat him with it.
16:53That is a crime of passion.
16:55Only in such a rage could the defendant, now reduced to the instincts of a nine-year-old,
17:00beat his victim with his own arm while yelling.
17:03Why are you hitting yourself?
17:05Why are you hitting yourself?
17:07Your Honor, the witness is out of control.
17:09Objection.
17:10I think my witness is in control, and that's the point.
17:13Sustained.
17:14Your Honor, I call him Israel.
17:18Excuse me?
17:19Charlie Goodson and I are sleeping together.
17:30I've been having a really good day.
17:33Fun little case.
17:34Guy gets beat up with a fake arm.
17:36Nice break from the coke dealers and the gang slayings.
17:40Now I've got to stop everything for you guys.
17:45So, what's going on here?
17:47Because if you are involved, I'm going to have to throw out your testimony.
17:53Are you in a relationship?
17:55No, sir.
17:56This woman will tell you unequivocally that we are not in a relationship.
17:59Isn't that right, Dr. Wales?
18:00Didn't you just stand up in my court and say you two were having sex?
18:05Well, it's a fine point, Your Honor.
18:07What we have is a highly unusual arrangement.
18:09You might find this interesting.
18:11What we have is a non-committal, non-emotional, purely physical situation.
18:18I don't find it interesting.
18:21All I'm trying to find out is whether you two share information.
18:25She won't share anything with me.
18:27I hardly know the woman's birthday.
18:29Hold on.
18:29Tell me.
18:31You get together every Saturday night?
18:34Sure.
18:35Order an Italian sometimes?
18:37Yeah.
18:38Get in your share of fights?
18:40Uh-huh.
18:41Yeah.
18:41What you got there is a relationship.
18:46You're both dismissed.
18:47Aw, damn it.
18:52You know, I think I did a pretty good job up there.
18:55I just want to affect our working relationship in the future.
18:58I'll call you.
18:59Got it.
19:02Hey, Ed.
19:04Before we start, how's everything going with the den?
19:07Great.
19:07Wife hadn't bothered me in several days.
19:10I put something terrifying in there.
19:13What, like a ghost shark?
19:16What, like a ghost shark?
19:16The only thing scarier than a ghost or a shark is a ghost shark.
19:22Son, something up there is broke real bad.
19:27Well, I hung Nolan's painting on the wall.
19:30But I gave it to Lacey.
19:31And I sold it to Ed to get these.
19:34I knew it.
19:36Yep.
19:36Best 500 bucks I ever spent.
19:39Lacey, you need to start considering other people's feelings.
19:41Nolan gave you something that was very meaningful to him, and you just, you gave it away like
19:45it was nothing.
19:45Oh, my God.
19:46He's so right.
19:48I'm glad I didn't think of that, because these shoes look fantastic on me.
19:57Hey.
19:58Sorry I'm about to start a session.
20:01I'm way to cheat today.
20:02Cost me a career as an expert witness.
20:04Hey, I suffered just as much as you.
20:06I can't be an expert witness anymore, either.
20:08Hey, that was not your big loss, Dr. Wales.
20:10Besides, I'm going to judge rule that we're in a relationship.
20:12You lost your cool.
20:14Excuse me.
20:14I did not.
20:15Yelling out like a little baby in the courtroom.
20:18I slept with Mr. Goodson, and I loved it.
20:21I did not say I loved it.
20:23That's the least you could have done.
20:26What I did was a brilliant and calculated counter move.
20:31Well, what's the matter?
20:31You can't handle the fact that you were the emotional one, and I was the better expert witness.
20:35Okay, Charlie, what can I do to get you to drop this?
20:38I want you to say, Charlie, you were the superior expert witness.
20:42Charlie, you were the superior expert witness.
20:44Doctorates don't mean squat.
20:48Doctorates don't mean squat.
20:51I was undone by my own hubris.
20:53Oh, my God, you're an idiot.
20:56Okay.
20:57I'm impressed.
20:58Charlie knows the word hubris.
21:00Well, that part's true.
21:02And even though I may be a needy, emotional wreck, and a hopeless romantic...
21:06Don't push your luck, Goodson.
21:08Oh, by the way, this quarter dropped out of your pocket in the courtroom.
21:14You keep it.
21:18You keep it.
21:27I'll see you next time.
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