- 2 days ago
Charlie & Catholicism
Charlie gets into an argument with Martin after he finds out he had Sam baptized behind his back.
Charlie gets into an argument with Martin after he finds out he had Sam baptized behind his back.
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00:00So, Satine, you've now heard your sister and the rest of the group talk about how inappropriate anger can damage
00:06your life.
00:07I'd love to hear what you're thinking right now.
00:09I was thinking, if all you're serving is supermarket muffins, you might want to check if your guest is gluten
00:15-free, because I am and they're not.
00:19Frankly, I'm bloated and insulted.
00:23This isn't about the muffins, you little bitch.
00:25It's about how angry you are and how I don't want you to end up like me, telling your problems
00:30to a bunch of losers in some horrible living room in the valley.
00:34Excuse me, I take offense to the term loser, but I do agree with horrible living room in valley.
00:41Where do all you people live? Like, Versailles?
00:46I've got a question. Lacey Satine, did your parents pick your names out of an underwear drawer?
00:54They're family names from India, old man.
00:57And I'm sorry they don't have the beauty and dignity of Ed.
01:01Wait, go back. Did you call me a bitch, bitch?
01:04Yeah, like five minutes ago.
01:06You actually suck.
01:07No, you suck. And you were an accident.
01:09At least I wasn't a fat baby.
01:10I wasn't a fat baby. They overfed me.
01:14All this yelling, it's really hard on me.
01:17Can't you two just, like, wrestle it out?
01:21Nolan, do you realize that everything you've said today about Lacey and her sister has been a veiled sexual reference?
01:27And by veiled, I don't mean anything culturally insensitive.
01:31Sorry.
01:32And by sorry, I mean the apology.
01:35Not the giant scarf you wear like a dress.
01:39Not everything I said was sexual.
01:41That tandoori taco twofer at the street fair is a real thing.
01:47No, it's not.
01:50Okay.
01:51Satine, after observing you a little bit today, I really think you could use some anger management therapy.
01:55Let me be careful.
01:56I want to say this in the rudest possible way.
01:59You just did.
02:01Godspeed.
02:02See you in prison.
02:05The rest of you, I'll see you next week.
02:10Hey, what kind of long is going on with me today?
02:14I think I'm going to walk it off.
02:16I said walk, not whack, right?
02:19Yes, you did.
02:21Oh, spank God.
02:24I need to talk to you about your dad.
02:28Do you need to talk to me or did dad conveniently bump into you and con you into doing his
02:32dirty work?
02:32No, I ran into him at the lady's footlocker and he told me, damn, he's good.
02:39Let me guess.
02:39He doesn't understand why I won't spend more time with him.
02:42No, he doesn't, Charlie.
02:43It's really bothering him.
02:44Well, maybe you should have thought about that when he was being a manipulative lying bully my entire life.
02:49People forgive, Charlie.
02:50Charlie, I've had manipulative lying people in my life whom I've forgiven.
02:55Mostly, Charlie, you, Charlie, dork.
03:00Yeah, got it.
03:01You, not letting go, ever, take foot, off neck.
03:04Love you.
03:06Come on, he just wants to come over Sunday and watch a game with you.
03:09Who wants to come over?
03:10Your grandfather.
03:11Great.
03:12Why doesn't he come over more often?
03:13Doesn't he like us?
03:15Yeah, Charlie, why doesn't he come over more often?
03:17I think Sam just hit him on the head.
03:19He doesn't like us.
03:21Let's not force a frightened old man into doing something he doesn't want to do.
03:24Charlie.
03:25All right, fine.
03:26He can come over on Sunday, but you've got to be there, too.
03:29And you, little miss, why won't Grandpa come over?
03:32You know how Grandpa's so bad?
03:34You have to feed and take care of him.
03:36The first time you don't, it's right back to the pound.
03:42Oh, Charlie, look at you, putting out food for your dad.
03:46That's so sweet.
03:47No, this isn't sweet.
03:48This is turkey and Swiss on sourdough.
03:51No mayo, no oil.
03:53This is the driest, chewiest sandwich you can get.
03:57He can't chew and talk.
03:59That is three feet of golden silence.
04:04Hey.
04:05Hey.
04:06Nice suit.
04:07I thought you were coming to watch a game, but if you're here to be buried, that's okay,
04:09too.
04:10We can watch the game after Mass.
04:13Now, why aren't you dressed?
04:14You know, Mass starts in half an hour.
04:17Well, you told me you go to Mass every week.
04:19You weren't lying about that, were you?
04:20No, of course not.
04:21I go every Sunday.
04:24Thank God.
04:25Because if you didn't, it would kill your grandmother.
04:27Grandma's dead.
04:28Yeah, I know, but I still like to remember the things that would kill her.
04:32Hey, girls, let's get started.
04:34I don't want to walk in late like I own the joint.
04:36Okay, Sam, go put on your fancy going-to-church outfit like we do every Sunday.
04:42Hey, blessed be the shut-up.
04:44Get dressed.
04:54It's a beautiful church, Josh.
04:56Yeah, it is.
04:58I just hope the priest isn't too long-winded.
05:01No, no, no, he's great.
05:03His sermons are very insightful.
05:05I find myself hanging on his every word.
05:10Buenos dias.
05:35So, Charlie, you say you come here every week?
05:39SÃ.
05:53I'm a grown man.
05:54I don't mean to explain myself to you.
05:56It's not about me.
05:58Your daughter needs a religious upbringing, Charlie.
06:01She needs a moral compass.
06:03Sorry, I'm still reeling from it's not about me.
06:07Look, I know what you want, but I'm not going to force Catholicism on Sam like you forced
06:11it on me.
06:11Oh, please.
06:12Then why did you even bother having her baptized in the first place?
06:15I have a good answer for that.
06:17Sam was never baptized.
06:21I thought it was good.
06:23She was never baptized.
06:26So you lied about that, too.
06:27I tell you lots of lies, Dad.
06:29Good to see you.
06:30Happy birthday.
06:31Drive safe.
06:32Okay, yeah, no.
06:32Look, we're going to deal with this right now.
06:34You're having Sam baptized, period.
06:36That's it.
06:37No, I'm not.
06:38Sam is going to choose her own religion when she's old enough to make a mature decision.
06:42I'm only going to say this once.
06:44Stay out of it.
06:44Don't you understand?
06:45If you don't have that girl baptized, God forbid, but she could end up in hell and it'd
06:49be all your fault.
06:50Charlie, I told you the women you're dating are way too young.
06:54Michael, are you Catholic by any chance?
06:56I'm a pretty good Catholic.
06:58For a Baptist.
07:00I'm a better Catholic than Charlie.
07:01I think it's damn selfish of you, son.
07:03After all, you were baptized and received First Communion.
07:06And now you're leaving your own daughter high and dry like this.
07:09I think it's just plain disgraceful.
07:11Would you give me an amen on that, Michael?
07:12I'm not going to give you an amen on that.
07:14Your kid's not baptized?
07:15What are you, nuts?
07:17Thanks, Mike.
07:18Yeah, seriously.
07:19It takes like five minutes and it protects our soul for eternity.
07:23Look, I appreciate your spiritual concern.
07:25Especially coming from a guy with a lifetime membership to Adult Friend Finder.
07:30My daughter is not going to get kicked out of heaven, if there is one, on a technicality.
07:35If there is one?
07:36I know we raised him better than that.
07:40Look, it's my kid.
07:41Everyone just back off.
07:42All right, fine.
07:43I won't interfere in trying to help save my granddaughter's soul, God forbid.
07:47Sorry.
07:48God, if there is one, forbid.
07:51Nice one, sir.
07:54I mean it.
07:55This is my house.
07:55These are my rules.
07:57Michael, I don't like this new kid you're hanging out with.
08:01Does he have any friends his own age?
08:05So, I dropped Satine off and my mom starts in on me.
08:09When are you going to marry a nice Hindu boy?
08:11And I said, when a Hindu boy starts for the Lakers.
08:15Right now, I'm all about giant black millionaires.
08:19Let me ask you this, Lizzie.
08:21Is this anger about rejecting your parents' religious values?
08:24Or is it just another manifestation of your Kardashian envy?
08:29Oh, it's not envy when you're better than somebody.
08:32Hey, you're a Hindu.
08:33Tell your mom you'll do what she wants in your next life.
08:37You'll be a raccoon, she'll be a bird or something.
08:40She can't always do it.
08:44Congratulations, Ed.
08:44You just created a new category.
08:46Metaphysical racism.
08:49Sorry to interrupt this battle of wits between Aristotle and Yosemite Sam.
08:53But your daughter's here, and I'm pretty sure she's bleeding.
08:56Oh, my God.
08:58Sam, what happened?
08:59You okay?
09:00I'm fine.
09:01Just barely.
09:01Some lunatic ran a stop sign and forced her bicycle into a mailbox.
09:04I was just walking up when the guy pulled away.
09:06She could have been killed, Charlie.
09:08Let's get you cleaned up in the kitchen.
09:10Sorry, guys.
09:11I'll see you next Tuesday.
09:13Damn fool was probably texting.
09:15If anything ever happened to that girl, I'd never forgive myself.
09:17Forgive yourself?
09:18For what?
09:19You weren't involved.
09:20Yeah, well, there's a big problem between Charlie and me.
09:24My granddaughter's never been baptized.
09:26Christ on a pony.
09:27Why the hell not?
09:29What the hell's the matter with your boy?
09:31There's a long list.
09:32He's selfish.
09:33He thinks he knows everything.
09:34He's got his mother's hips, and he's agnostic.
09:38Agnostic?
09:39How can anybody doubt God when they've seen a picture of Angie Dickinson?
09:44Amen.
09:45I know I said I wouldn't interfere, but God just fired a warning shot, and I've got to
09:48figure out a way to have her baptized.
09:50I'll tell you what we'd do in my church back in Texas.
09:53We'd wait till they went to sleep, put a bag over the head, throw them in the back of the
09:56truck, drive them to the river, and let the preacher hold them under for a minute.
10:00That sounds a little radical, Ed.
10:02Radical?
10:03Well, hell, it's terrifying, but they'll thank you in paradise.
10:08I guess I could sneak around.
10:10Thanks for the advice.
10:12I used to get $10 a head doing that back home.
10:15I'd go down to the bus station, scoop them up.
10:17You sure that was for baptisms?
10:19Because it sounds like you were trying to drown the legals.
10:22No, no, it's bapti...
10:24Wait a minute.
10:26No, no, it's baptism.
10:28Okay.
10:29I'll be seeing you next week, Dave.
10:30I'll be back.
10:33Hey, Kate.
10:34Yeah?
10:35You didn't answer me.
10:36About what?
10:37I'm busy getting your surprise ready.
10:39Do you think my dad has a point?
10:41Was I selfish to not give Sam a religious upbringing?
10:45Was I rebelling because my dad shoved the church down my throat and that's why Catholicism
10:50is such a turnoff to me?
10:57You almost done?
10:59Almost.
11:01Must be a hell of a surprise.
11:02I will be.
11:10That's my surprise?
11:12You're wearing my T-shirt?
11:14What's wrong with the T-shirt?
11:17Nothing.
11:18Nothing.
11:18It's super sexy.
11:20Like the way it makes your whole upper body look like a hot rectangle.
11:26Crudeck.
11:27Crudeck.
11:29I know.
11:30I feel so dirty.
11:35I'm sorry.
11:35I'm sorry, Kate.
11:36I don't want to turn this into a whole session here, but I need a little advice.
11:40I get all dressed up like this and you just want to talk?
11:45Just for a minute.
11:47Do you think my anger towards my dad's behavior is affecting the way I raise my kid?
11:51Of course it is.
11:53I mean, your choice is to either repeat or correct.
11:56The same heat that melts the butter hardens the egg.
12:00I want you so bad right now.
12:04You know, if you want your daughter to make an informed choice, don't wait until she's
12:0918.
12:09Show her all the options now.
12:11You know, once upon a time, I was a vampire goth chick.
12:16Those girls have a lot of fun.
12:18You would have hated me back in high school.
12:20I was a jock.
12:20I would have slept with you anyhow.
12:22We slept with everybody.
12:24So did we.
12:26Except for those losers in the Model UN.
12:29We slept with everybody.
12:37Wow, look at this list.
12:39We're going to have to split this up if we're going to expose Sam to all the different religions.
12:44I'll take Christianity and you take all the going to hell ones.
12:49I'm not off to a good start here.
12:51I'm kidding.
12:52I just don't know much about religions outside of Christianity.
12:55Me neither.
12:56I know Catholicism and the Native American one where you take peyote.
13:00I don't know what that one is that you take peyote.
13:04You know, I always thought it'd be good for her to have some religion.
13:07What if she picks one of ours?
13:09I'm comfortable with her going Protestant.
13:11Are you comfortable if she decides to become Catholic?
13:14I guess.
13:15I just bought so much of it out.
13:17I do remember a Catholic baseball camp, though.
13:20Man, it was hard to run on those sandals.
13:22They made you wear sandals?
13:24That was just the beginning.
13:25Every time I stole second, I had to say an act of contrition.
13:28Is this thing working?
13:30Come on, Charlie.
13:31Get serious.
13:32You're right.
13:32You're right.
13:33Do you know that our pitcher had to give a sermon on the mound?
13:37Hey, guys.
13:40Uh, Sam has something she'd like to tell you.
13:44What's up, Sam?
13:46I got baptized.
13:49You what?
13:50Now, hang on, son.
13:51This was entirely her own choice.
13:53We were talking about God and spirituality and the importance of being a good person.
13:57And I said the only way I know how to do that is to become a Catholic.
14:01Yeah, what did we talk about?
14:03My granddaughter came to me and said, I'd like to be baptized, Grandpa.
14:07What was I supposed to say?
14:08No?
14:08Yes.
14:10You wouldn't say that if you'd been there.
14:11Look, I got some pictures on the, uh, cell phone here.
14:14Look, Martin, we're Sam's parents, okay?
14:16It's not your right to...
14:18Oh, she's an angel!
14:23Who the hell are those people?
14:24Oh, those are the godparents, Carmen and Anahil.
14:26When you meet him, you'll love him.
14:32Look, Sam, your mom and I don't want you to be rushed into anything or talked into anything.
14:36So let's start by going down to that church and returning your baptism.
14:40You can do that, right?
14:42I think it's too late.
14:44She's dry.
14:46Don't be mad at Grandpa.
14:47I'm really happy I did this.
14:49But you didn't look at any other options.
14:51Yeah, and I just found this cool dumpling place next to the Buddhist temple downtown.
14:56What's wrong with being Catholic?
14:57Her family's Catholic.
15:00I don't like her family.
15:03They got pork, they got shrimp, everything.
15:06It has a C on the window, but it looks clean inside.
15:10You know, Dad, you could come to church with us.
15:13I don't want you to go to hell.
15:15Are you happy?
15:16My own daughter doesn't want me to go to hell.
15:19All right, you want to go to church?
15:21Fine.
15:22Let's do this the right way.
15:23I want you to know what you're getting into.
15:25So, I'm going to go with you.
15:28Lord, talk about mysterious ways.
15:30My son and my granddaughter want to go to mass with me.
15:32Hallelujah.
15:33I am truly blessed.
15:35Hey, Pope Piehole III.
15:39Why don't you give the children's crusade a rest?
15:42I'm taking my daughter to church without you.
15:45Then I'm taking her to a synagogue, a mosque, and a Buddhist temple.
15:48And then that dumpling place right next door.
15:50Be crazy not to go.
15:55See these plaques?
15:56Those are called the Stations of the Cross.
15:58If you follow the story all the way around the church, you'll find out what happened to them.
16:02Oh, this one right here?
16:04That's where the Romans nailed Jesus to the cross.
16:06Oh, my God.
16:07Where were the Catholics doing all of this?
16:10Interesting question.
16:11There were no Catholics.
16:13What?
16:15Sam, did you know that Jesus was Jewish?
16:18Whoa, he converted to Christianity?
16:22Why don't we just watch for a while?
16:24Oh, look at the pretty glass up in that window.
16:27Hey, Charlie.
16:29What the hell are you doing here?
16:30I told you to back off.
16:31I didn't know you were going to the 9 o'clock mass, but hey, I can leave if my son
16:35doesn't
16:35want me to practice my faith.
16:37No, no, no.
16:37Just sit down and shut up.
16:39Dad.
16:39Dad, I'm sorry.
16:40We're in church.
16:41Please sit down and please shut up.
16:47Do you have any questions?
16:48Just ask me.
16:50I have a question.
16:51How many angels can dance on the head of an unconscious old man?
16:55Speaking of angels, as promised, there you are, young lady.
17:00What is that?
17:01St. Christopher medal.
17:02It's to keep me safe while I ride my bike.
17:05Oh, cool.
17:05Does it come with a reflector Jesus?
17:09Dad, you know Sam has OCD, so load her up with a bunch of good luck charms.
17:14Probably not the best idea in the world.
17:16But that's why I wanted to be Catholic.
17:19What?
17:20Catholicism is perfect for a kid with OCD.
17:23She can light candles for her problems.
17:25She can go to confession when she gets worried.
17:27And when she feels compelled to count, she can do it on her rosary.
17:30Does it have a rosary?
17:32She does now.
17:36Sit.
17:41You used her OCD so you can get her to become a Catholic?
17:45You selfish bastard.
17:46I saved her son and honor thy father, you arrogant son of a...
17:51Me.
17:53Don't you get it?
17:54You sent a diabetic to the candy store.
17:57You know what?
17:58You were out of my life again.
18:00You can keep me out of your life, but you can't keep me out of hers.
18:02And keep your voice down.
18:03You're setting a bad example.
18:05Oh, I'm setting a bad example?
18:06You used a necklace to bribe a 15-year-old girl to get her to do what you want.
18:11And I'm the bad guy?
18:12Okay?
18:14Okay.
18:17Hola.
18:23Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
18:25It's been almost 30 years since my last confession.
18:30You've been living a very righteous life, my son.
18:32Eh, no.
18:35But I need your help, Father.
18:37I want you to tell my daughter that she's come to the church for the wrong reasons.
18:41There's no such thing as the wrong reason.
18:44Yeah, forgive me, Father, but as a kid, I used to come here to see girls on their knees with
18:47their tongues out.
18:50Okay.
18:52That may be a new Hail Mary record you've contained.
18:57Look, my daughter was tricked.
18:59She's got OCD, and she's only here because she's attracted to all the trinkets and the rituals and the saints.
19:05Oh, she's attracted to the Catholicism.
19:09Okay, you're not hearing me here.
19:10My son, God brings people to the church in many different ways.
19:17Yeah, so did my dad.
19:18By the ear, by the arm, by the neck.
19:23Thank God I found the girls.
19:24He was running out of the things to grab.
19:28Father, can you at least smite my dad?
19:33I'm sorry, but the church is here for everyone.
19:38Now, is there anything you'd like to confess?
19:41No, I think I'm good.
19:43Oh, this morning in church, I might have called my dad a child molester.
19:49Yes, we heard you.
19:57So Sam is staying Catholic.
19:59Oh, yeah, she loves it.
20:01And now I can't kill my dad because that would make him martyr
20:04and she'd walk around for the rest of her life wearing a necklace with his face on it.
20:09Since that's the fourth time you've mentioned killing your father,
20:12I'm guessing you two still have some unresolved issues to work out?
20:15Oh, no.
20:16They're resolved.
20:17I told him he's not allowed at my house anymore.
20:20Where is he now?
20:22He's at my house.
20:24Let me guess.
20:26Catholic guilt.
20:28With all the religious talk going on,
20:30I thought it was important for somebody to represent the other side.
20:35Is this going to cost me my soul?
20:37No.
20:38You just have to be ready to keep going for eternity.
20:41I'm good for now, but seriously, I have to get to work tomorrow.
20:58除了的。
20:58I believe it's not that true.
20:58You just have to take something out of me.
20:59You just have to be ready to go for it.欸
20:59away. Oh,
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