- 15 hours ago
Charlie and The Secret Gigolo
Sean gets arrested after decking a man who grabbed Jen's rear end, and is required to join Charlie's therapy group. After a rift in Sean's first session, he reveals to Charlie that he used to be an escort. Charlie tries to figure out a way to let Jen know without breaking confidentiality. Ed continues to stay in Patrick's home, but constantly complains about the fact that Patrick does not have a television.
Sean gets arrested after decking a man who grabbed Jen's rear end, and is required to join Charlie's therapy group. After a rift in Sean's first session, he reveals to Charlie that he used to be an escort. Charlie tries to figure out a way to let Jen know without breaking confidentiality. Ed continues to stay in Patrick's home, but constantly complains about the fact that Patrick does not have a television.
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TVTranscript
00:00All I'm saying is that when you take a creature into your home and you feed it and you clean
00:05up after it,
00:06you don't expect him to bark at you every time you walk in the door.
00:10Okay, first of all, the creature has a name. It's Ed.
00:14And vegetarian risotto is not feeding me. A meal has meat.
00:20That's why meat and meal are practically the same word.
00:24You should be thankful I'm feeding you at all.
00:26The only thing I did was make you think you won the lottery.
00:30I didn't think you were going to leave the woman you were with for over 40 years.
00:34That's because you never met her.
00:36Hold on, Ed. Hold on.
00:37Even a snake and a mongoose can be taught to get along.
00:40Of course, they don't have to share a toilet.
00:43Ed, how fast can you get back with your wife?
00:46I don't know. I got to get back in my own bed. My insomnia is acting up again.
00:50Have you tried watching a little TV before, Ben?
00:52I don't know why you'd have a little TV when the big ones are so cheap now.
00:56Now, I usually watch TV before bed, but get this.
01:00Gabriel Lincoln here doesn't have a television.
01:03And frankly, I couldn't be happier.
01:06Now I'm reading and thinking.
01:09Well, why don't you read the ads in the Sunday paper and think about buying a television?
01:16Oops, I thought you guys were done.
01:18I'll just be in the kitchen, Charlie.
01:21Well, we're running over anyway.
01:22What do you see? We wrap it up.
01:23See you guys on Tuesday.
01:25Ed, Patrick, try to be more patient with each other.
01:29So, like, how do you keep up with the Kardashians without watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians?
01:35Because I'm keeping up with Voltaire.
01:37Is he the pool boy on Real Housewives?
01:41Yes.
01:42Voltaire, one of the greatest writers of all time, is the pool boy on Real Housewives.
01:51Well, I guess everybody just wants to be on TV.
02:00So, where's your new boyfriend?
02:02At home?
02:03Naked in your bed?
02:04Rolling around in my alimony money?
02:06No, we did that the other night.
02:08Tonight we're using it to make a papier-mâché pinata shaped like a jackass, but we need your picture.
02:14Jim, Sean's got no job.
02:16He lives in your house.
02:17He eats your food.
02:18He's using you.
02:19He's a sponge.
02:19He's sponge Sean no money pants.
02:24No, you're wrong, Charlie.
02:26Sean is kind and considerate, and I'll tell you more about him on the way to bail him out of
02:30jail.
02:31He's in jail?
02:32It was not his fault.
02:34We took the subway to the Long Beach Aquarium.
02:37Some guy grabbed my ass, and he punched him in front of an undercover cop.
02:41Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
02:42Something's not adding up.
02:43Charlie, he was just defending me.
02:45You would have done the same thing.
02:46Oh, not that.
02:48There's a subway in Los Angeles?
02:51Yes, L.A. has a subway.
02:53Do other people know about this?
03:01Oh, dude, thank you for bailing me out of jail and for picking up the tab at the drive-thru.
03:07My pleasure.
03:08You know, I've never seen any one person spend more than 20 bucks at a McDonald's.
03:12Impressive.
03:14I don't understand what happened.
03:15I mean, everything's only a dollar.
03:17You ordered 20 things.
03:19You really don't understand what happened?
03:22I gotta be honest.
03:23I don't understand anything anymore.
03:24I mean, come on.
03:25Why'd I have to go to jail?
03:26I barely hit the guy.
03:28How was I supposed to know that he would drop with one punch?
03:30Yeah, the little ones go down pretty easy.
03:33I was like 6'5".
03:34260.
03:35Nerds come in all shapes and sizes.
03:38You know what I found out after the fact?
03:39He used to be a linebacker for the Chargers.
03:41Hmm.
03:42White guy, though, right?
03:43White guy.
03:44Light-skinned.
03:45Charlie!
03:48I know I shouldn't have hit it, all right?
03:50But he insulted Jen.
03:51Come on.
03:52What would you have done?
03:53I would have told him that what he did was wrong and then disengaged.
03:55Huh.
03:56Yeah, chicks dig that.
03:58You know what chicks really dig?
04:00Guys who aren't in jail.
04:02You smell like French fries and crime, dude.
04:04Take a shower.
04:06They're not fries.
04:07They're nuggets.
04:08I got a bag of them in my pocket, and I am gonna eat them later.
04:18I just don't like him.
04:23Well, you were sweet to bail him out.
04:26And I'm afraid the favors don't stop there.
04:29The court says he has to go to anger management therapy.
04:33Forget it, Jen.
04:34Please, Charlie, do this for me.
04:37He doesn't have an anger problem,
04:39so he doesn't need to talk about his childhood
04:41with one of those court-ordered douchebags.
04:44Hey, I'm one of those court-ordered douchebags.
04:47Well, I really am bad at asking for favors.
04:54Wait, look at that.
04:55My connection's way stronger now.
04:58First throw.
04:59Who lands a frisbee on the roof on their first throw?
05:03A guy who wants to learn to toss a frisbee
05:05so he can meet girls in the park.
05:08Well, screaming like one
05:09when it lands on the roof is not gonna help.
05:12Dad's right.
05:13You're hopeless.
05:15Is this how you guys talk about me when I'm not here?
05:18Yes.
05:20Well, thanks for getting my internet working again.
05:22I will see you Thursday for dinner.
05:25And by the way,
05:26I recorded your call for quality purposes, too.
05:29And you did great.
05:33Wait.
05:33You're dating a woman you met on a tech support call?
05:36She was very nice.
05:38She doubled the speed of my DSL
05:40and tested it by sending me
05:41some surprisingly quick-loading videos.
05:43That's not fair.
05:45You just break up with Kate,
05:46and you're already dating.
05:47Yep.
05:48I'm back in.
05:49I've been back in for three years,
05:50and no one cares.
05:52I'm this close to getting a billboard.
05:55Don't use your profile picture from Facebook.
05:57You look crazy.
05:59I'm trying to smile like I know a secret.
06:03Is it a secret?
06:04You're crazy?
06:09Hey, Sean.
06:10Hey, Charlie.
06:11Glad you could make it.
06:13Let me take a seat on the couch over here
06:14with Ed and Patrick.
06:15I was going to watch some videos during group.
06:17Can I get your Wi-Fi password?
06:18My password?
06:19Sure.
06:19It's not on your friggin' life.
06:21It's all one word.
06:23Well, if you're going to be here,
06:24you have to participate.
06:24I thought this was going to be like traffic school.
06:27I could show up, sit in the back,
06:28watch a couple car crash movies, go home.
06:30It's a little different here.
06:32There aren't so many car crashes
06:33as there are, you know, train wrecks.
06:36Hi, I'm Lacey.
06:37Who are you?
06:38All aboard.
06:40Sean.
06:41Hi.
06:42Look at you.
06:43If I had known you were coming,
06:44I would have worn nicer clothes
06:46or fewer clothes.
06:47It's really your preference.
06:53Everyone, this is Sean.
06:54Sean is going to be joining us
06:55for the next six weeks
06:55because of a little nudge from the judge.
06:59What'd you do, Sean?
07:01Uh, fight on the subway.
07:04That's it.
07:05And they sent you here
07:06all the way from New York?
07:09Apparently, there's a subway in L.A.
07:12I don't know how we're supposed to be honest.
07:13Our therapist makes up crazy stories.
07:18Anyway, why don't we start
07:19when we left off last week?
07:20Ed, how's it going over at Patrick's?
07:23Lousy.
07:23I'm still not sleeping.
07:26William Shakespeare over here
07:29still thinks he's too sophisticated
07:31to buy television.
07:33Yeah, well, maybe you should read a book
07:34for once in your life,
07:37Ralph...
07:38Baldo Emerson.
07:41How do you come up with those so fast?
07:44Listen, guys, guys, guys,
07:45we've talked about this.
07:47You gotta find a way...
07:49Sean.
07:51Sean.
07:53Yeah.
07:54Sorry to interrupt your top ten
07:55bitchin' bro jams.
07:58We're trying to have therapy here.
08:00I gotta be honest, man.
08:01I don't really care about their problems.
08:03I don't know any of these people.
08:04I know, right?
08:07Well, you might want to start caring
08:09because one phone call from me
08:10to your probation officer
08:11and you go to jail.
08:13God, why are you being so mean to him?
08:15Can't you see he's clearly handsome?
08:19I don't remember her name,
08:20but she's very observant.
08:23It's Lacey.
08:24Like my underwear.
08:32All right, all right, that's enough.
08:34You either participate
08:36or you're out.
08:37Listen, if you want to call
08:38my probation officer, do it.
08:40All right?
08:40Call him.
08:41Better yet, maybe I should just find
08:43a different therapist.
08:44I think that's exactly
08:45what you should do.
08:47There's the door.
08:49Oh, great.
08:49That thing over there, perfect.
08:51If you hadn't told me,
08:52I would have just wandered
08:53around here for days.
08:56He's so funny.
08:58By the way, I hacked into your Wi-Fi
09:00so everybody knows
09:01his super cool password,
09:04Therapy Stud 47.
09:11I know it sounds like
09:12an amazing coincidence,
09:13but that password came
09:14with the router.
09:19Come on, puree one time
09:21for daddy.
09:26Ed, it's 3 o'clock in the morning.
09:29What the hell are you doing?
09:30Trying to make a milkshake,
09:32but first I had to fix
09:33your stupid blender.
09:35Have you ever connected the dots
09:37between milkshakes
09:38in the middle of the night
09:39and your current silhouette?
09:42When I was at home,
09:43my wife would get up
09:44when I couldn't sleep
09:45and make me a milkshake
09:46and we'd sit on the sofa
09:47and rub each other's feet
09:48while we watched TV
09:50till we fell asleep.
09:51Yeah, ain't gonna happen.
09:54I wasn't asking.
09:55What are we going to do, Ed?
09:58How are we gonna get you home?
10:01I don't know.
10:02It was a bad fight.
10:03I said some awful things.
10:05Like what?
10:06Well, like she should burn in hell
10:08like every meal
10:09she ever cooked for me.
10:12Ouch.
10:12Yeah.
10:13I told Mark
10:14that I hated his cooking too.
10:16I mean,
10:16if you're gonna kill animals
10:18for food,
10:18at least marinate them properly.
10:21And then I told him
10:22I hated his mustache.
10:24Weird.
10:24I told my wife the same thing.
10:28Well, would you like me
10:30to make you a milkshake?
10:31I'd like that.
10:33Then I'll tell you the story
10:34about the horrible cruise
10:36I took with my wife.
10:38Oh, so horrible.
10:39I told you.
10:40I was with my wife.
10:44Think of the internet
10:45as a freeway.
10:46Now, your old DSL
10:47only had four lanes
10:48open to traffic,
10:48but with the new bandwidth,
10:50it's like having 12.
10:51Were you talking this way
10:53last night at dinner?
10:54I don't know.
10:55I was pretty buzzed.
10:57Oh.
11:01Mimosa?
11:03Sure.
11:05Now, I really like this shirt.
11:08Can I keep it?
11:09After the last night,
11:10you can keep the house.
11:15I just want you to know
11:16I have never dated anybody
11:17I met during a tech support call,
11:19but I'm really glad
11:20your computer went...
11:22I'm sorry.
11:23I'm gonna have to put you
11:24on hold for a minute.
11:25Please stand by.
11:25Your booty call
11:26is very important to us.
11:32Coming.
11:36Hey.
11:37Oh, it's you.
11:39Look, I have a tech person
11:40in the kitchen,
11:40and they're not gonna leave
11:41until I'm 100% satisfied
11:42with the service.
11:44You banging the computer, girl?
11:45Pretty much.
11:46Right on.
11:47Look, I'll make it quick,
11:48all right?
11:50I'm really sorry about yesterday.
11:52What I did was stupid,
11:53and I would appreciate
11:54if you'd let me come back
11:55to the group.
11:56Not gonna happen, dude.
11:56You're not capable
11:57of taking the process seriously.
11:59Try me.
12:00All right.
12:01Why'd you hit that guy
12:02on the subway?
12:03Because he grabbed
12:04Jen's ass,
12:05and he said some crap,
12:06and I decked him.
12:07I told you that already.
12:08What did he say?
12:11He called me a boy toy.
12:13He what?
12:15Saw Jen get me a couple bucks,
12:16and he called me a boy toy.
12:17All right?
12:19Look, I have some stuff
12:21in my past
12:21that I haven't shared
12:22with anybody,
12:22and I'm a little sensitive
12:23about it.
12:24Like what?
12:25Were you like a male hooker
12:27or something?
12:29Holy crap, you were.
12:32Charlie, are you gonna be a while?
12:34Yes.
12:37By the way,
12:37the term is escort.
12:38All right?
12:39Ladies, they don't order hookers.
12:41They order escorts.
12:42Well, sure.
12:43Then it's classy.
12:46So can I come back
12:47to the group?
12:48Yes.
12:50It's a hundred bucks a session,
12:52but no kissing on the mouth.
12:55Sorry, I couldn't resist.
13:06We should stop them, Charlie.
13:08This won't be usable in the study.
13:10It is not representative
13:11of married sex.
13:12Why?
13:12Because they're enjoying themselves?
13:14Please.
13:15They're putting on a show for us.
13:16I mean, this guy's
13:17flapping around
13:18like one of those
13:19inflatable wind men
13:20outside a used car lot.
13:26Really?
13:27Nothing for the wind guy?
13:30I'm sorry.
13:31I'm a little distracted right now.
13:32What's going on?
13:33I've got this really heavy
13:35piece of information
13:35about a guy
13:37who's living with a woman I know
13:38and I absolutely cannot tell you.
13:39Well, that's your call.
13:41When Jen's boyfriend
13:42was in his 20s,
13:42he was a male prostitute.
13:45There.
13:45Are you happy
13:45you squeezed it out of me?
13:47Wow.
13:48But if it was that long ago,
13:50I don't see why
13:51you're so concerned.
13:52Because he's shown
13:52he has no problem
13:53living off money from women.
13:54He's doing the same thing
13:55with Jen right now.
13:56I can't tell her
13:57because of patient confidentiality.
13:59Well, Jen's a smart woman.
14:00She'll figure it out eventually.
14:02You think?
14:03Did I ever tell you
14:04that she once asked me
14:05if wrestling was real?
14:06High school wrestling.
14:09Or she may not.
14:10But you can't tell her.
14:12It would be
14:12completely unprofessional.
14:14Says the woman
14:15who screams out Yahtzee
14:16when her test subjects
14:16are done having sex.
14:18That's different.
14:19Soundproof glass.
14:21Well, she's got to
14:21find out somehow.
14:22Ah, be careful, Charlie.
14:24The APA takes
14:24that stuff seriously.
14:26They're devoted
14:26to making sure
14:27that psychologists
14:28are held to the highest
14:29standard of ethics.
14:30And Yahtzee.
14:37Ta-da!
14:39Settle down.
14:40I've already seen
14:41your outfit for today.
14:43No, look.
14:45Ta-da!
14:47Bought a television.
14:49Well, you started
14:50closing the bathroom door,
14:51so as a thank you,
14:53I did this.
14:54Now, you can get some sleep.
14:57Well, thank you, Patrick.
14:59I'm gonna read a book,
15:01but you feel free
15:02to just give it a whirl.
15:05I ain't here to make friends.
15:07I'm here to show the world
15:08that some of the best
15:09fashion ideas
15:10come out of Tuscaloosa.
15:12Oh, God.
15:14Redneck fabulous.
15:15I used to love
15:17this trash.
15:18I've seen better clothes
15:19on a train
15:20hopping hobos.
15:20Oh, no, you didn't.
15:21Oh, yes, I didn't.
15:22Oh, that's a country
15:23cat fight right there.
15:24I mean, look at them.
15:26Why would people
15:27even waste their time
15:28on this garbage?
15:31I agree.
15:33Why don't we turn this off,
15:34make a couple of milkshakes
15:35and swap stories
15:37about our exes?
15:38Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
15:39I can't believe
15:40Jolene is back.
15:43And after she spit
15:44on the other Jolene,
15:48that bedazzled bolo
15:49is everything.
15:54Hey, buddy.
15:56You're the guy
15:56who runs trivia night, right?
15:57Yeah.
15:59What would it take
15:59for you to use
16:00these questions
16:01instead of yours?
16:02I'm trying to keep
16:02my ex-wife
16:03from making a huge mistake.
16:04Whatever they're
16:05paying you tonight,
16:05I'll double it.
16:07$4,000?
16:09Dude.
16:10All right.
16:11Two hot dogs
16:12and two beers.
16:17Hey.
16:18Hey, Jen.
16:19Hey, Charlie.
16:20Thanks for inviting me out.
16:22Well, I think
16:22he might be bored
16:23since Sean's out
16:24playing poker
16:24with his buddies.
16:25Oh, by the way,
16:26just so you know,
16:27he's playing
16:27with his own money.
16:29Really?
16:29Where'd he get it?
16:30Well, he sold me
16:30a couple of his rings
16:31and a vintage guitar.
16:34Oh, my God.
16:34You're a pawn shop.
16:37Okay, everybody.
16:38It's time for trivia night.
16:40Ladies,
16:41if you need some hints,
16:42I'm up front.
16:44Dudes,
16:44not so much.
16:46I'm kidding.
16:47Look,
16:47I don't mean to put Sean down,
16:49but what do you really
16:50know about the guy?
16:51I mean, like,
16:52what did he do
16:53in his 20s?
16:54Question one.
16:55What 1980 crime thriller
16:57stars Richard Gere
16:58and Lauren Hutton?
17:01Oh, I know this one.
17:02Officer and a Gentleman.
17:04No, Jen.
17:05It was American Gigolo.
17:08Remember he got paid
17:09to have sex with women?
17:10Maybe it was Chicago.
17:12He was great in that.
17:14I don't know.
17:15I didn't see it.
17:16Was he paid to have sex
17:17with women in that one?
17:19No, he tap danced.
17:20It was wonderful.
17:23Anyway,
17:24Sean must have mentioned
17:25something about his early jobs.
17:27Next question.
17:28What car manufactured
17:30by Ford
17:31was also released
17:32by Mazda
17:33under the name
17:34the 323?
17:37I have no idea.
17:39I know.
17:40It was the Escort.
17:42Maybe it was a Miata.
17:45No, Jen.
17:45It was the Escort.
17:46I don't think so.
17:48Two things we know for sure.
17:49American Gigolo,
17:50Escort.
17:53What Civil War general
17:54is best known
17:55for his stunning defeat
17:57at the Battle of Chancellorville
17:58in 1863?
18:00Hooker!
18:00It was Hooker.
18:01It's Hooker,
18:03American Gigolo,
18:04Escort.
18:05There's a pattern here.
18:06You're babbling.
18:07I'm going to the bathroom.
18:10Charlie.
18:11Hey.
18:11Tough.
18:12Hey, Sean.
18:13What are you doing here?
18:14What happened to Poker?
18:15Oh, it was a rough night.
18:16Took a beating.
18:17But then I remembered
18:18you were bringing Jen out,
18:19so I figured I'd, uh,
18:20come join you guys.
18:21These are sliders.
18:22Can I have these?
18:23Yeah, sure.
18:25If you tell Jen
18:26about the Escort thing.
18:27I'm not going to do that
18:28because that is ancient history.
18:29And I already touched
18:31this slider,
18:32so I'm going to eat it.
18:36Well, if you don't tell her,
18:38I will.
18:39I'm not sure how you're
18:41going to do that
18:41with patient confidentiality.
18:43This next question
18:44is a combo.
18:46007 was played
18:47by Blank Connery,
18:49and what is the world's
18:51oldest profession?
18:52Oh, and make it a sentence
18:55by putting
18:56was, uh,
18:57between Sean
18:59and prostitute.
19:02What the hell
19:03is your problem?
19:05If I have to make a choice
19:06between protecting a patient
19:07and protecting the mother
19:08of my kid,
19:08she's going to win
19:09that one every time.
19:09You know what?
19:10I haven't done crap
19:11to Jen, all right?
19:13So why don't you get a life
19:14and stop trying to make it
19:15up to your ex
19:16for being a cheating douchebag
19:17for so many years,
19:19all right?
19:25What the hell's wrong
19:27with you?
19:28Sorry.
19:29I wasn't talking to you.
19:31Sorry.
19:33I'm going home.
19:35Try safe.
19:40This sucks for you, dude.
19:41Please, you threw
19:42the first punch.
19:43You're going to jail.
19:44And when it gets out
19:45that I assaulted a client
19:45and my practice is ruined,
19:47then whose money
19:47are you going to spend?
19:48Bang.
19:51Are you stupid?
19:52You really think
19:53that I'm with Jen
19:53for the money?
19:54If that was the case,
19:54don't you think
19:55I'd find a woman
19:56with a more successful
19:57ex-husband?
19:59Could you scoot over, please,
20:00so I can elbow you
20:00in the face?
20:03Yeah, well, maybe
20:04I'd like to see her
20:04with a more successful
20:05boyfriend who doesn't
20:07blow all her money
20:07on poker.
20:08You're a piece of work.
20:10You know what I did
20:10tonight?
20:11I won big, all right?
20:13And I lied to you
20:13because I wanted
20:14to surprise Jen.
20:15There's a pile of cash
20:16sitting on her kitchen counter.
20:18Twice what I owe her.
20:19So, bang.
20:22Another damn
20:23trivia fight.
20:25What kind of questions
20:26do they ask
20:27that drives you people
20:27to do this?
20:30Listen, there's no reason
20:31to take us both
20:32down to the station,
20:32all right?
20:33I attacked him
20:35and he was just
20:36defending himself.
20:37Really?
20:38Well, that saves me
20:38some time.
20:39Let me get those cuffs off.
20:41It sucks to lose your job.
20:43I don't want to see
20:44you have to go through it.
20:45Wait a minute.
20:45Wait a minute.
20:46Sean, do me a favor,
20:47too, by the way.
20:48Could you pick up my tab?
20:49I ordered a bottle of
20:50Dom and some chili fries.
20:53Take them away, officer.
20:54No.
20:55Oh, yeah.
20:57Oh, yeah.
20:59Oh, yeah.
21:00Yeah.
21:04I know.
21:05Oh, yeah.
21:10Yeah.
21:10Oh, yeah.
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