- 23 hours ago
Charlie & Jen Together Again
After a black mold outbreak, Jennifer and Sam temporarily move in with Charlie while their house gets fumigated. Kate is less than pleased to learn that Jen and Charlie will be living together.
After a black mold outbreak, Jennifer and Sam temporarily move in with Charlie while their house gets fumigated. Kate is less than pleased to learn that Jen and Charlie will be living together.
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TVTranscript
00:00Sam, I am so sorry we didn't believe you that there was mold in the house.
00:05I can't believe you guys let it go two weeks before having somebody check it.
00:09Do you know what we've been breathing and touching?
00:11Honey, we don't know if this is bad mold.
00:13What if it's good mold, like penicillin?
00:17Right, your mom's reluctance to scrub anything might be making us much healthier.
00:21Seriously, how dirty can a shower get? It's just soap and water in there.
00:25Okay, okay, let's just wait to hear from the inspector before we all overreact.
00:31All right, you got black mold everywhere. I'd get out of here today.
00:36Wait a second, I lived here for ten years. We never had a problem with black mold. Are you sure?
00:40I've been in the mold game for a long time.
00:42And trust me, I know black mold when I see...
00:48You okay?
00:49I just can't shake this flu.
00:53Okay, Sam, let's go. You got to close the mic, please.
00:55Hey, what about me?
00:57We have no idea how long this will take.
00:59My friend had mold. She was out of her house for a month.
01:01Well, then go stay with her. It's already nice and clean.
01:05Look, Jen, the last time we lived together, it didn't end well.
01:08There was screaming, crying, police, helicopters.
01:12It was like the end of E.T., except we wound up with joint custody of the alien.
01:16So, where am I going to go, Charlie?
01:17What about your new boyfriend?
01:18He's not my boyfriend. We've only dry hunked in the parking lot behind the olive garden.
01:24Twice.
01:26Also, we might be married.
01:28Well, there's got to be somebody you can stay with.
01:30You probably need some space to remember who that is.
01:34Shine on you, hummingbird.
01:36I don't know what that means. I think the mold is getting to me.
01:39I can get out of here quick if I were you later.
01:45Okay, here we go.
01:48Are you a sociopath?
01:50I turned it into a drinking game.
01:52I'll read the traits, and if you got it, you drink.
01:55Awesome. Go for it.
01:56Number one shows no apparent sense of remorse, shame, or guilt.
02:01Me, me, and me.
02:04How many questions are there?
02:06Twenty.
02:07I should probably call you a cab now.
02:10Wait a minute.
02:10Aren't you the guy who just left his wife in a house full of black mold?
02:13Bottoms up, psycho.
02:15Hey, hey, I am not a psycho.
02:17Jen and I get along great now.
02:19When we're living together, it's a disaster.
02:20I'm doing this because I care about her so damn much.
02:25Oh, unconvincing displays of human emotions.
02:28Yeah, you got me on that one.
02:30Maybe we should just check alcohol abuse, thrill-seeking behavior,
02:34and get right to sexually promiscuous.
02:43You taste like Kentucky.
02:48Charlie, you here?
02:56Charlie!
02:57I need to talk to you about the house right now!
03:01Hey, Jen, what's up?
03:03Where'd you guys come from?
03:04We were right behind you.
03:05We just left a seminar on sociopaths.
03:07Did you know they lie easily and without remorse?
03:10You know where I slept last night?
03:12On a bunk bed in the kids' room of my cousin Bonnie's house.
03:15You know who was on the top bunk?
03:17Her daughter, Louise.
03:18Fourth grade, 200 pounds.
03:20Not judging.
03:20Still wets the bed.
03:22I basically slept in a lean-to in a rainforest,
03:24and it's all your fault.
03:26How is it my fault?
03:28I'm the one who told cousin Bonnie not to get pregnant at 50.
03:31No, when we got divorced,
03:33you gave me a house with a mold problem.
03:35Last night, wide awake, wearing my poncho.
03:38I remembered.
03:39You wouldn't let me get an inspection.
03:40I didn't want to waste the money.
03:42I thought if there was mold, the termites would eat it,
03:43or the mold would kill the termites.
03:45I didn't think it was possible to have both.
03:47Charlie, I want to be near my daughter, and you owe me.
03:50If you don't want to live with me again, fine.
03:52I'll stay here.
03:53You go sleep under the 200-pound sea sponge.
03:56Again, not judging.
03:59Look, you can stay here.
04:02I'm sorry.
04:02I was incredibly selfish.
04:04I should have offered in the first place,
04:06and just because we're not married
04:07doesn't mean we're not family.
04:09God, thank you, Charlie.
04:11I feel the same way.
04:12I'll go get my stuff out of my car.
04:16Wow.
04:17Charlie, as your therapist, I am impressed.
04:20You've come a long way.
04:23I didn't mean a word of it.
04:25Who's a sociopath now?
04:33Okay, before we break,
04:34you might remember when you all joined the group
04:36that I asked each of you to write a letter
04:38to your future self.
04:39I think now would be a great time
04:41to read them
04:42and see just how far you've come.
04:44Ed, would you like to start?
04:45Fine, but I've got to tell you,
04:47I ain't going to be getting nothing out of this.
04:51Dear Ed, keep working this pencil
04:53so he thinks you're doing something.
04:56This whole thing is idiotic.
04:59Well, you're right.
05:01I don't recognize this guy at all.
05:04Patrick, would you like to read your letter?
05:06Would I?
05:08Charlie, I'm sorry I won't be there
05:10when you read this in your little therapy club,
05:12but if you watch TV or follow the tabloids,
05:16you'll know that I have my own
05:17hit reality show,
05:19now Personal Shopper Wars,
05:21hosted by me and my close friend Anderson Cooper.
05:24I can't read any part of this.
05:26Anybody else in our little therapy club
05:28like to read their letter?
05:30Lacey?
05:31Hey, hottie.
05:34The old guy is creeping me out.
05:37I may have to punch this gay dude in the throat.
05:40And I'm pretty sure Shaggy next to me is special needs.
05:45And look, now you know all their names.
05:48Progress.
05:50Hey, future Nolan.
05:52I just want to let you know that I'm proud of you.
05:54And if you've had any progress,
05:57you're a success.
05:59And you should feel great about yourself
06:00because you're awesome.
06:02Nolan, can I share your letter?
06:06It's a picture of a cat driving a race car.
06:13Okay.
06:15Let's see what I wrote.
06:19Look how hard they're working on their letters.
06:21Obviously, they respect the process
06:23and are dedicated to getting better quickly
06:25rather than meandering along
06:27week after week after week.
06:30Okay, I'll see you all next week.
06:39Hey.
06:40Hey.
06:42Patrick, did they talk about your sweater and group today?
06:44It's a real cry for help.
06:47Thanks, Sam.
06:48I'm so glad that you finally took my advice
06:51and suffocated your wardrobe.
06:53Ha! I win.
06:57How did you do this?
06:59I saw Jan set up her Chuck Norris home gym
07:01in the garage and thought I'd sneak in a few reps
07:04and I pinched my finger trying to adjust the seat.
07:07If you need a band-aid for a pinch,
07:09Chuck Norris doesn't want you using his gym.
07:13So, how weird is it having the ex live in here?
07:17Well, I can't park in my garage.
07:19The house is full of flies because she won't close the door.
07:22And we've restarted the thermostat wars of 1998.
07:25How's that go down with your girl Kate?
07:27Any jealousy?
07:28No, no.
07:29She's cool with it and it's making me nuts.
07:31Let me ask you something.
07:32During sex, does she make a lot of noises?
07:35I guess so.
07:36What does that tell you?
07:37Nothing.
07:38I just want to know stuff.
07:42It's so cold in here.
07:43How do these flies even survive?
07:46I don't know.
07:46It's like someone keeps letting in new ones.
07:49Oh, I got a jet.
07:51I'm out.
07:53Stop by any time, Michael.
07:55Apparently our door is always open.
08:00Hey, hey, hey.
08:01This isn't like one of those magic sinks at the airport that turns itself off.
08:04I know.
08:05I got more fruit to wash in a minute.
08:07You're right.
08:07I'm going to start the oven in case I want to make a turkey at Thanksgiving.
08:11Here we go.
08:12Just like old times.
08:13I'll tell you what.
08:14I won't touch anything in your kitchen.
08:15We'll just call your housekeeper and have her do everything.
08:18I'll have a housekeeper.
08:20What?
08:21You're kidding.
08:22This place is immaculate.
08:23Well, anything that's not covered in mold would seem clean to you.
08:27But thank you.
08:28Since when did you get so domestic?
08:30You didn't do any of this stuff when we were married.
08:33Yeah, well, there was a lot of things you didn't do when we were married, too.
08:36Yeah, well, I'm doing them now, and I'm good at them.
08:39If you were really good, I don't know you'd have a place to stay.
08:43Well, I do have a place to stay, and I don't have to do nothing, sucker.
08:51How's Chinese sound?
08:53Good.
08:54Let me get some Mongolian beef.
08:55You want anything?
08:56Sure.
08:56I'll have...
08:57Lemon chicken.
08:58Take the skin off before you cook it.
08:59Spring rolls and white rice.
09:01Wow, impressive.
09:02After 18 years of sending your Chinese food back, I think I finally got it right.
09:09Hi, Kate.
09:10Hi.
09:11I just wanted to see if you could come over early for our play date tonight.
09:14Oh, man.
09:15I just made plans with Jen to have Chinese, but I'll stop by later on.
09:19You and Jen are having Chinese?
09:21You're not fighting?
09:23No.
09:24No, it's fine.
09:25Oh.
09:26She's there.
09:27You can't talk.
09:28No, I can talk.
09:28It's fine.
09:31So it's not awkward having her there?
09:33No control issues?
09:35Nope.
09:35All good.
09:36I'll see you later.
09:38Oh, by the way, did you want me to wear that latex bodysuit or the little schoolgirl outfit?
09:51The second one.
09:53Say it or you get nothing tonight.
09:57Oh, come on.
09:57Really?
09:58You scared?
09:59Not at all.
10:00You don't have the balls to say it.
10:03The little schoolgirl outfit.
10:07And that outfit is a proud organization called the Girl Scouts of America.
10:13And they stand for something.
10:14So I'm not going to sit here and listen to you demean them.
10:17I'll drop by later on and pick up my box of Thin Mints.
10:26We'll be back with more right after this.
10:30Holy crap.
10:31Charlie, wake up.
10:33We fell asleep.
10:35Did we fall asleep watching Hilberley hand fishing?
10:38Yes, we did.
10:40You know, I'd written Hilberley's off as a bunch of ignorant hicks, but after...
10:44How many episodes did we watch?
10:46Six.
10:49They're real human beings with real stories that just happen to revolve around catching catfish with your hands.
10:59Oh, crap.
11:00It's nine in the morning.
11:01I forgot all about Kate.
11:03Well, I'm sure she'll understand.
11:04It was just Girl Scout cookies.
11:07But do me a favor.
11:08Don't tell her that you had some wine and fell asleep with your ex-wife after some hillbilly hand fishing.
11:14It just sounds so dirty.
11:20Kate, I am so sorry about last night.
11:23It's okay.
11:24I got your message.
11:25So, food poisoning, huh?
11:27Yeah.
11:27Yeah, believe me.
11:28Do not want to spend an entire night with a bad catfish.
11:31Catfish?
11:32I thought you had Chinese.
11:34I did.
11:35And then we ordered catfish.
11:38Never mix Asian and Cajun.
11:40Unless you want your kid to be a concert washboardist.
11:48Well, I'm glad you're okay.
11:51So, let's talk about Jen.
11:52Is the house feeling crowded?
11:54What's the dynamic?
11:55Where does she sleep?
11:56No.
11:57Good.
11:58And in the guest room.
12:00I'm surprised.
12:01I mean, you guys were together so long.
12:03You could just probably sleep in the same bed together.
12:07Well, I think that'd be a little strange.
12:09Some men like a little strange.
12:12Especially a little strange that's familiar.
12:15You okay?
12:16Hey, you're the patient.
12:17I'm the doctor.
12:18I'll ask the questions here.
12:20So, did you bang her?
12:22No.
12:23No.
12:23We just fell asleep after a little hillbilly hand fishing.
12:27That's disgusting.
12:30It's not what you think.
12:31It's a TV show.
12:32I know.
12:33It's disgusting.
12:39Okay, everybody.
12:41Last week, Wayne was having some trouble empathizing with his victims.
12:44So, I asked him to write a play about his crime to help him better understand the pain of the
12:48people he wronged.
12:51Cleo will play my wife.
12:53Nesta will play her lover.
12:56I call this play, The Boy Who Couldn't Cry.
13:00That's very insightful, Wayne.
13:01Oh, it's not me.
13:02It's the kid next door.
13:03He's got his mouth duct taped.
13:05Spoiler alert.
13:08Charlie, you'll play the narrator.
13:10Old Uncle Stan.
13:11You start.
13:15Oh, I didn't see you there.
13:18Welcome to Pussy Town.
13:21Oh, it's a real place.
13:22Full of crybabies and pussies.
13:25I guess you're all curious about our most famous citizen, Wayne Dwayne Earl.
13:31Wait, I think I hear his pickup pulling up to his house now.
13:35I sure hope his wife isn't having sex with his neighbor and best friend, and that Wayne doesn't come in
13:40and shoot them both.
13:45Oh, Wayne, you're home.
13:47It's not what it looks like.
13:50Oh, you.
13:54Ow!
13:55We had this coming.
13:59I've been a bad friend.
14:01Ow!
14:03Ow!
14:05Ow!
14:06Oh, my God!
14:08Oh, my God!
14:08Okay, wait, okay, okay, we get it.
14:10We get it, we get it, we get it.
14:12I'm not sure you understood the assignment.
14:14The point was to demonstrate that you learned something about your victim's feelings.
14:17Well, that's what the owls were for.
14:19The bullets hurt them.
14:22Okay, let's just talk about what was supposed to happen.
14:26The point of this was to be able to put yourself in your victim's shoes.
14:28I think Charlie's trying to get us to think about how other people feel before we get all mad and
14:33jealous and kill them.
14:35And we all have anger issues, and jealousy is a trigger, so it's important that we avoid extremely jealous partners.
14:42That is our women.
14:43Well, that's a generalization.
14:45Some women get jealous, some women don't.
14:48Some do, and then won't admit it.
14:52I call shenanigans.
14:55You're talking about yourself.
14:58Okay, well, since you called shenanigans.
15:01Yes, yes, I am talking about a woman I'm seeing.
15:04Why won't she admit she's jealous?
15:06Because she doesn't want a real relationship.
15:08If she admits that she's jealous, that means she has real feelings for me.
15:11Gotta force her hand, dude.
15:13Do something with another girl, make sure the robot lady finds out.
15:18Robot lady, that's pretty good.
15:21Well, thanks for the advice, guys.
15:23I'll think about it.
15:24Don't think.
15:25Just do it.
15:27Like the time I stopped a guy for a pair of sneakers?
15:30Rastow, in retrospect, don't you wish you had thought about that first?
15:35In retrospect, I wish I had checked that dude's shoe size first.
15:40What a senseless crime.
15:48Somebody's getting late tonight.
15:51Hey, I'm just having a nice dinner with my ex.
15:53I'm not even talking about you.
15:54I've been meeting guys on J-Date.
15:56Oh, dating Jewish guys now, huh?
15:58Is that what the J stands for?
16:01What did you think it stood for?
16:03I didn't care.
16:06Waiting on a call?
16:08No, I thought Kate would text me.
16:10We were supposed to go out tonight, but I bailed at the last minute.
16:13I wanted her to know what's going on with Jen.
16:16Oh, this is so funny.
16:17Last week, the same thing happened to me with Shlomo and Menachem.
16:21And it never crossed your mind that the J stood for Jewish?
16:25I know.
16:25I feel like such a schmuck.
16:34Sure.
16:34Cheers.
16:36This is nice.
16:38I didn't think we'd be doing this kind of stuff when I bullied you into letting me stay at your
16:42house.
16:43Well, I am a sucker for a sexy bully.
16:46I'm sorry.
16:47Where'd that come from?
16:48It's all right.
16:49You can call me sexy.
16:50I know I got it going on.
16:53It's a good thing I'm not married anymore.
16:55We'd screw this up.
16:57I don't know.
17:00We're different now.
17:03Wow!
17:05Look who's here!
17:07Hey!
17:09What are you doing here?
17:10I'm stalking you.
17:16So, how's the food?
17:18I'm thinking about buying the place.
17:20I didn't know you were thinking about buying a restaurant.
17:23I'm not.
17:25I'll tell you why I'm really here.
17:26No, wait, wait, wait, wait.
17:27Before you do that, you know what can be really fun?
17:30Let's go to the bathroom and throw up a little bit.
17:33I'm fine.
17:35See how kind and giving he is?
17:39Has he given anything to you lately?
17:43Who wants pie?
17:44I want pie.
17:47How much pie do you need?
17:48I think you've had enough pie.
17:50I think you're in no condition to operate a metaphor.
17:55Kate, why are you really here?
17:57Okay, you got me.
18:00Back to one, everybody.
18:01Of course.
18:03I'm really here because I got stood up.
18:10That sucks.
18:12You know, I don't want to offend you because I'm not that familiar with the lesbian community,
18:16but it sounds like this bitch needs I ask her.
18:19I wish you would.
18:20The girl I'm seeing is such a girl.
18:23Oh, we're just supposed to be having simple sex, but she has feelings, and she wants me
18:32to have feelings, and I'm supposed to be a bad person because I don't have feelings,
18:39which I don't.
18:41It's exhausting.
18:43Oh, Kate, now it's a party.
18:48Maybe you should drive Kate home.
18:50It's like having an open bottle in the car.
18:54Okay, come on, Kate.
18:55Come on, let's go.
18:56Oh.
18:59You know what?
19:00I changed my mind.
19:02I don't want to buy this place.
19:03The floor moves.
19:08This is so embarrassing.
19:10Don't worry about it.
19:11I don't think anybody noticed.
19:13Lots of women squat down on the sidewalk for a few moments, then walk away.
19:17I don't care about that.
19:19I got jealous.
19:21I can't believe I was like some stupid high school chick.
19:25Oh, he's with another girl.
19:26Well, I'm going to go key his car.
19:29Oh, yeah, you're going to have to repaint your car.
19:33Look, it's okay.
19:36I think it's nice that you care about me, even though you haven't actually said it.
19:39What?
19:40You need two women to say it to you?
19:43What?
19:44I saw the way she was looking at you.
19:46Come on, how was she looking at me?
19:48Like this.
19:54Did her eyes roll around in her head like that?
19:58Okay, since you're being honest, tonight was a setup.
20:02I told you about my day with Jen to make you jealous.
20:06Oh, yeah?
20:07Well, I only said I was jealous to get you to admit you tricked me.
20:13I take it back.
20:15All right.
20:16You win.
20:17You were jealous.
20:19That's better.
20:23Well?
20:25Oh, hey.
20:26Hey.
20:28What's up?
20:29Oh, while you were gone, I texted that guy I was seeing, and he invited me to come stay with
20:32him.
20:33Oh.
20:34Good news, right?
20:36Sure.
20:37Whatever you want to do.
20:39So he's not married?
20:40Nope.
20:41Wears a wedding ring to keep the crazies away.
20:43Didn't work this time.
20:51Listen, I really appreciate you letting me stay here.
20:54It was fun to spend time with you again.
20:57Okay.
21:03Look, anything you need, I'm here.
21:07You always are.
21:09Bye.
21:10Bye.
21:14Oh, just once, could she please shut the damn door?
21:17Oh, just once, could she please shut the damn door?
21:20Oh, just once, could she please shut the damn door?
21:20Oh, just once, could she please shut the damn door?
21:22Oh, just once, could she please shut the damn door?
21:23Oh, just once, could she please shut the damn door?
21:23Oh, just once, could she please shut the damn door?
21:23Oh, just once, could she please shut the damn door?
21:24Oh, just once, could she please shut the damn door?
21:26Oh, just once, could she please shut the damn door?
21:26Oh, just once, could she please shut the damn door?
21:27Oh, just once, could she please shut the damn door?
21:27Oh, just once, could she please shut the damn door?
21:29Oh, just once, could she please shut the damn door?
21:31Oh, just once, could she please shut the damn door?
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