- 10 hours ago
Charlie's Dad Breaks Bad
Charlie thinks that his father has gotten mixed up with a bad crowd of rogue senior citizens, until he learns that Martin is the ringleader.
Charlie thinks that his father has gotten mixed up with a bad crowd of rogue senior citizens, until he learns that Martin is the ringleader.
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TVTranscript
00:01is sam still out with your dad it's been almost six hours maybe he took him to the mall again
00:06i mean for a guy his age that's like three hours to find a parking spot and three more hours
00:11to
00:11back out actually i think he was taking her to long beach to see the cargo ships come in
00:17oh well then she's probably just waiting for the adrenaline to wear off he's monopolizing all her
00:22time it's not fair to sam she's not me i'm good at making up excuses and i'm running out i
00:27mean
00:28how many quinceaneras can one white lady go to i thought you guys loved hanging out with my dad
00:33no we do it because his wife kicked him out and he's lonely but we can only take so much
00:39i mean
00:39you got to do something about it what am i supposed to do i grew up with the guy i
00:43did my time
00:45well sam's 15 she should be up in her room hating us listening to some super sincere neo-folk bearded
00:53jug band bs what happened to metal charlie
00:59what a day what a day hey you're back you see the ships we saw the ships we visited a
01:05cemetery for
01:06war veterans we read a terrific brochure about california's largest flag what was the best part
01:13the heart to beat the cemetery oh no the best part is we're going out again tonight i'm taking
01:19sam to a little italian restaurant i discovered where all the the waiters sing bobby darren songs
01:24splish splash you want to go with us jen tonight oh i can i got my online banjo lessons
01:31you should play for us sometime
01:35i'm gonna go home for a nap and then i'll be back to pick you up at 6 30 sharp
01:38be there or be square bye-bye sweetheart
01:45sam you know you don't have to go out with grandpa again tonight
01:49or ever really but he's my grandpa i mean who knows how much time he has left
01:55i know the suspense is killing me
02:00okay we still have a few minutes left anybody have anything well uh if i'm being totally honest
02:07a little worried i've been smoking too much pot lately
02:10no i'm being totally honest you just said the exact same thing 10 minutes ago
02:16anybody else okay there's this douchebag who tormented me in high school and according to my
02:24schedule at work he's coming in for a fashion consultation may not even be the same guy could
02:29be some random non-douchebag with the same name he's a mexican jew and his name is gonzalo rosenblatt
02:37you were saying
02:40give me five minutes and i'll show you how to sever his achilles tendon with a credit card and a
02:45ballpoint pen
02:47ed i am already here because of an incident at work if he starts in i'm gonna lose it and
02:52if that
02:52happens again i'm out of a job you're just being dramatic patrick you're probably an insignificant
02:57bug to this guy i bet he doesn't even remember you from high school i bet nobody remembers you from
03:02high school thank you lacy you can now get back to the top of your slutty christmas tree
03:09i think what lacy's trying to say is no even i can't save that one
03:15lacy you just bought yourself a job as patrick's anger buddy i want you there for him when this guy
03:19comes in the store what does it pay doesn't pay anything you're there to support patrick
03:23uh what does that pay tell you what you see a pair of shoes you like i will look the
03:29other way
03:29i'm there patrick that's not gonna happen come on i was obviously kidding
03:38i saw that
03:41and you were gonna find a hobby as a way to bring some joy back in your life any luck
03:46with that
03:46well i was looking for a choir group like i was in in texas but the wife wouldn't have it
03:51you sing like a goddamn angel
03:57i sing not out loud obviously
04:04and what kind of stuff did you sing well it was a heritage choir we sang folk songs you know
04:09things like uh that old cotton field back home and big old shiny smile
04:15and the song sounds horribly racist and offensive
04:18oh no it's real americana
04:20osian dandy dancing in the streets
04:24folks come from miles around to see his dancing feats
04:30oh
04:33you enjoyed the choir so much why'd your wife make you quit
04:37she said it takes up all my time
04:39really all your time
04:42and she says she hardly ever sees me
04:44even on the weekends
04:45especially on the weekends
04:47this is perfect
04:49that's okay i've already got another hobby
04:52i've been building ships in a bottle
04:55slave ships in a bottle
04:58no
05:02oh
05:06get it up charlie i am not a men's choir kind of guy
05:10these are all guys your age dad
05:13they're all retired professionals and they're funny
05:15who else would name themselves the artificial hipsters
05:20besides it would take up a lot of the time i normally spend with sam
05:23all the more reason to join the choir
05:25give sam a little push out of the nest like a baby bird
05:28i know it's not going to be easy she was really looking forward to that tour of the oatmeal factory
05:34two tons of cinnamon per day
05:39well well martin and charlie goodson i can never remember which is the father and which is the son
05:44all right you'd be a good judge of this
05:46do you think guys in singing groups are losers
05:49hell no
05:51charlie every woman knows a guy who can keep a beat on stage can keep a beat in bed
05:55or a van or the first aid station at burning man
06:00let me see that flyer again charlie
06:03you're gonna love it dad
06:05and just how did you wind up at burning man
06:07well i took three ambient at a fireworks show in bakersfield
06:11and to this day i have not been able to connect the dots
06:19are you sure they're gone i don't want to bust in on your dad's choir practice
06:22i know if they saw you in that outfit they'd die
06:26of course if they missed the day of baby aspirin they'd die
06:29so why didn't they just rehearse at your dad's place
06:32his apartment's tiny so i told him as long as it keeps the place neat
06:35oh well i was hoping we could make it a little dirtier
06:40oh my god damn right and that's just one hand
06:43i know charlie look
06:50i'm gonna kill him
06:51he might be dead already
06:56oh good i'm gonna kill him
07:05i dip his hand in warm water but that's my couch
07:09oh just let him sleep he looks so peaceful
07:12that's what makes this so much fun
07:21oh hi guys how's it going
07:25what the hell happened here
07:27i guess the uh
07:29choir practice got a lot of hand
07:31a little
07:33how much drinking went on
07:34i don't know it doesn't take much
07:36they're all on prescription meds
07:40oh looks like somebody had a lady over
07:43oh yes that would be sow
07:45he's got a hernia
07:49you know at your age i i i thought i could trust you to be responsible
07:52i was just trying to be one of the guys
07:54i'm sorry it won't happen again
07:58you're right it won't happen again
07:59because your friends are never allowed back here
08:04were you guys smoking pot
08:06uh that was morton he's got glaucoma
08:09uh-huh
08:11what about sal
08:12he's got anxiety
08:15what about you
08:16i thought about having anxiety
08:18but then i chickened out
08:26thanks
08:28i'm worried about my dad jen
08:29i think he might have fallen in with the wrong crowd
08:31well cut him some slack
08:33you know he's not bothering sam anymore
08:35he's making friends
08:36and you know how stubborn he is
08:38if you come down too hard on him
08:40he's gonna end up rebelling
08:41yeah you're right
08:42maybe i'm more reacting
08:44but i do kind of want to be the cool
08:45son that gets it
08:47you know
08:52hello
08:54what
08:55charlie it's your daddy
08:56you need to come pick him up
08:58he and the rest of the gray men's choir
09:00are chasing away
09:00all my customers
09:01with their sand
09:02apparently they like to go swimming
09:04with bold-legged women
09:06sea shanties
09:07are they drunk
09:08they might be a bit
09:10over served
09:12well that's because you
09:13over served them
09:14don't worry
09:14i took your daddy's car keys
09:16and i put them where i put
09:16all drunks keys
09:17they're in my bra
09:19okay i'll be right down
09:20well hurry up
09:21it's a busy night
09:22and every time i circle the bar
09:23i sound like a team of reindeer
09:27hope you're happy jen
09:28my dad's friend's got him kicked out of a bar
09:31is there anything i can do to help
09:32yeah
09:33you can go down there
09:35and drag my stupid drunken dad home
09:46i'd love to charlie
09:47but i'm in no condition to drive
10:05i can't even listen to my music
10:08that's not music
10:09that's noise
10:11do you think i like coming to get you
10:13in the middle of the night
10:14fine then don't do it
10:19you really embarrass me
10:20in front of the guys
10:23you're drunk and i embarrassed you
10:26they were playing quarters
10:28and stan said if i didn't play
10:30there weren't enough guys for a game
10:32if stan told you to jump off a bridge
10:34would you do it
10:37yes
10:38he was a structural engineer
10:42he tells me to jump
10:44i have to assume
10:45there's something wrong
10:46with the bridge's integrity
10:50well i guess you have an answer
10:52for everything
10:54dad
10:56i understand peer pressure
10:57but i'm not a kid anymore
10:59so you can't run around like one
11:00you understand
11:02whatever
11:04i'm not sure
11:06what did you say
11:07nothing
11:10all right
11:11gonzalo just walked in
11:12now remember
11:13you're my assistant okay
11:14yeah
11:15no look at me
11:16i'm obviously your manager
11:18yeah
11:18no
11:19you're my assistant
11:20uh yeah
11:20no
11:21uh yeah
11:21no
11:24hi
11:25uh you must be
11:26mr rosenblatt
11:27i'm patrick
11:28this is lacy
11:29my assistant
11:30manager
11:30so nice to meet you
11:31well it's good to meet the both of
11:33hang on
11:35don't i know you
11:36oh no i have a familiar face
11:37should we start with jackets
11:39wait wait wait wait
11:40from riverside high
11:41remember the homecoming game
11:43we rolled you down the bleachers
11:45in a trash can
11:46and you spilled out
11:47at the 50 yard line
11:48in front of the whole school
11:49that doesn't ring a bell
11:50it's 50% silk
11:51so it lays beautifully
11:52man we called you
11:54patty
11:56you know why
11:57yeah duh
11:58because he's gay
11:58what
11:59no
12:00because he's a pasty irish guy
12:02man
12:03if i knew you were gay
12:05we would have called you
12:06eh
12:07probably patty
12:09all right
12:10it's me
12:11uh and now i'm your personal stylist
12:12so
12:12what can i do for you
12:14i need to get a couple of suits
12:16i got some meetings with jp morgan
12:18and goldman sachs
12:19so you must be what they call in business
12:22a businessman
12:23i trade derivatives
12:25mostly currency swaps
12:26for institutional clients
12:27and uh
12:28do a little merger arbitrage
12:30on the side
12:30do you work out
12:33p90x
12:33every day
12:35you got a boyfriend
12:36i mean
12:37i know it ain't this guy
12:39right
12:42anyway
12:43maybe we'll go out for drinks tonight
12:44uh yeah we will
12:46just for size
12:47let's try these on
12:48okay
12:50you put your digits in here
12:52i'll be right back
12:56what are you doing
12:57this must be helping me
12:58not get a date to the douchebag ball
13:01relax patty
13:01i'm just gonna make a date with him
13:02and then not show up
13:03it'll be awesome
13:05really
13:06you would do that for me
13:07dude
13:08i'm totally gonna blue ball the guy
13:10when i get done with him
13:11he won't be able to walk
13:13oh my god lacy
13:14you are the most evil bitch
13:15i've met in my entire life
13:18thank you
13:26hi
13:27can i help you
13:28this is a little awkward
13:29are you charlie goodson
13:31well you're both too old to be my children
13:33so yes i am
13:36i'm karen
13:37this is bob
13:37bob's father stan
13:39is in your dad's choir group
13:40and so is my father sal
13:41ah with the girdle
13:43sure come on in
13:50so what's going on
13:52it's about your dad
13:53it's about your dad charlie
13:54i'm afraid he's a bad influence
13:55on our fathers
13:57look i don't know what your parents
13:58are telling you
13:58but my dad says
13:59that your dads are the ones
14:01starting all the trouble
14:03yeah well
14:04of course he's gonna tell you that
14:05he's scared to get mad at him
14:08my dad is not a ringleader
14:09he just wants their approval
14:10because he thinks they're cool
14:12let me tell you what's not cool
14:14assuming
14:15blaming
14:15you know what happens when you blame
14:17you
14:19be lame
14:22listen
14:23one of these nights
14:24one of our dads is gonna drink too much
14:25and he's gonna wind up dead behind the wheel
14:27and when that happens
14:28we're holding you responsible
14:31well then i'll see you at your dad's funerals
14:34i know that sounds like a threat
14:35but it's not
14:36it is a common courtesy
14:37since i assume
14:38that your family will be at my dad's as well
14:51hey charlie
14:54got your message
14:54you wanted to see me
14:57have a seat then
15:01see what's going on
15:08just had a visit from a bob
15:09and a karen
15:11their fathers are in your
15:13choir group
15:15you know what they told me
15:16they told me
15:18that the real troublemaker here
15:19is you
15:20get off my back
15:21it's none of your beeswax
15:24oh it is my beeswax
15:25it is very much my beeswax dad
15:29i am responsible for you
15:30oh yeah
15:31you know when we go to louie's house
15:32his son buys us beer
15:34and he's cool about it
15:36well i'm not louie's son
15:38and i don't care what louie's son
15:39lets his father do
15:41hey
15:43will you get off your damn cell phone
15:45while i'm talking to you
15:47stan
15:48wants me to meet his sister
15:50at p.f chang's
15:52she looks anything like stan
15:54i wonder what louie's up to
15:57you're not going anywhere mister
15:58until we're done talking
16:01yeah how you gonna stop me
16:03i'm gonna take away your car keys
16:04i'd like to see you drive
16:08what else would you like to see
16:11now don't be a smartass
16:13i can still take you
16:14now give me the keys
16:15you're not going anywhere tonight
16:16it wouldn't kill you to not go out
16:17every once in a while
16:18okay fine
16:19have it your way
16:21i'm taking a nap
16:23unless sleeping in this house
16:24is against the law too
16:29when does it get easier
16:59hey patty
17:01i'm sure she would
17:02i'm sure she would
17:04little gonzalo's mind
17:04is your penis
17:05i got it
17:11you had sex with him
17:13yeah
17:13it was awesome
17:14you owe me
17:16i owe you for having awesome sex
17:18with a guy who is terrible to me
17:20hey having crazy sex with him
17:22was just part of a bigger plan
17:23i totally have your back
17:24okay
17:26actually i think gonzalo had your back
17:28i'm just guessing
17:31okay
17:31here's the plan
17:32i keep going out with him
17:33get him totally hooked on me
17:35and then in like 10 years
17:36when we have a boy
17:37and a girl
17:38and an escalade
17:39i'll totally leave him
17:40and take all his money
17:42you know what
17:43you deserve each other
17:44you're both selfish
17:47insensitive narcissists
17:48i'm sorry
17:49what were you saying
17:49i was distracted
17:50by something amazing
17:51i should have known better
17:53than to think i could count on you
17:55hey patrick
17:56what
17:58if it makes you feel any better
18:00he's got some ugly ass feet
18:04really
18:05yeah
18:06his big toe looks like a baby bird's head
18:10i'll take it
18:16nobody tells you how to parent your parents
18:19that's tough man
18:20it's a very difficult age
18:23they've got no children to worry about
18:25they've got no jobs
18:26they can get pills from all their friends
18:29you can't trust them
18:31ever since my parents retired
18:32all they seem to want to do
18:33is gamble my money away
18:36stop giving them money
18:37oh it's still their money
18:38it's just that once they're dead
18:39it was gonna be mine
18:49where's your dad now?
18:50in the other room watching judge judy
18:53well in that case
18:54the ghost of jack kennedy
18:55is stealing your car
18:57you're kidding me
19:02that's it
19:03calling the cops
19:04you would actually send your dad
19:06to jail charlie?
19:07hey he likes oatmeal
19:08and the toilet's right next to the bed
19:09he'll love it
19:14still not picking up his phone
19:16will you relax?
19:17jen you're starting to make me nervous
19:18no I can't relax
19:19not when your father's out there
19:21doing god knows what
19:22oh so when he misbehaves
19:23he's my father?
19:25yes charlie
19:26because he's your father
19:29I'm sure I'd throw that in my face
19:38good evening folks
19:40this gentleman was driving a car
19:41that you reported stolen
19:43and he was at the airport
19:44doing five
19:45in a 15 mile an hour zone
19:48well at least he's safe
19:53could you just
19:53tase him once
19:54before you go?
19:56thank you so much
19:57for bringing him home
19:58officer
20:00well I should get going
20:03oh my gosh
20:04I think I parked
20:05in front of a hydrant
20:07there's no hydrant
20:09I'm going
20:17dad what the hell
20:17were you doing
20:18at the airport
20:18driving my car
20:20I don't know
20:21you do know
20:22you drove there
20:23I don't want to talk about it
20:24you wouldn't understand anyway
20:26try me
20:29I was going to fly back
20:30to Cincinnati
20:31and see Corinne
20:33I got the divorce papers
20:35okay
20:35she wants to finalize it
20:38yeah I'm sorry dad
20:40that sucks
20:40it's bad enough
20:41that I'm all alone
20:42now I get these damn papers
20:43and I lose my mind
20:45completely
20:46so
20:47that explains all the drinking
20:49yeah that
20:51and I love drinking
20:55now I don't know
20:56what I'm going to do
20:57come on dad
20:59you're still a young guy
21:01no I'm not
21:02no you're not
21:04you're certainly a catch
21:05no I'm not
21:07no you're not
21:09well hey
21:10you still got your health
21:11I do
21:12maybe I'll live
21:13a long time
21:14yeah
21:15that would be great
21:30you're still a young guy
21:31you're still a young guy
21:31you're still a young guy
21:31you're still a young guy
21:31you're still a young guy
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