- 13 minutes ago
Charlie and Lacey Piss Off The Neighborhood
When a neighbor gets wind that patients with anger issues are meeting at Charlie's house, he organizes a protest to get the group relocated. Lacey encounters the neighbor and makes the situation worse. Meanwhile, Kate helps Sam and Jen pick a dress for Sam's prom.
When a neighbor gets wind that patients with anger issues are meeting at Charlie's house, he organizes a protest to get the group relocated. Lacey encounters the neighbor and makes the situation worse. Meanwhile, Kate helps Sam and Jen pick a dress for Sam's prom.
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00:00So, Patrick, just to recap, you like this guy, but his shoes were the deal-breaker?
00:05They were Birkenstocks. I think the company's motto is never in style.
00:10Man sandals are a petty and shallow reason to break up with somebody, but totally understandable.
00:16You should have just gone online to find out what kind of shoes the guy buys before you went out
00:21with him.
00:21I don't think that kind of information exists online, though.
00:23Oh, I think it does. Mr. Emergency Room Visit, Spring Break 1986.
00:29Smell us a bottle of beer on your head.
00:32It was spring training, 1988, and I could have sworn I was still wearing my batting helmet.
00:38What the hell are you doing poking around on my life for?
00:40I was downloading Lacey's high school transcripts, and I had some spare time.
00:45By the way, she got a D in sex ed.
00:49Wow.
00:50Even with all that extra credit.
00:53I know, I know, I'm late.
00:55You're late, huh?
00:55Well, couldn't mean an egg is taking root in your uterus.
00:59Of course, you'd know that if you hadn't slept through class.
01:03Not today, old man.
01:05You okay, Lace?
01:06No.
01:06My car was sticking out like an inch into your jerkwad neighbor's driveway,
01:10and the old dude said if I didn't move it, he would have me towed.
01:14Did you move your car?
01:15Yeah.
01:16Into his trash can, then over his trash can, then over his other trash can.
01:19I don't want to talk about it anymore.
01:21So you got angry, had an angry outburst, and now you don't want to talk about your anger
01:25in anger therapy?
01:28Cool.
01:29So you get it?
01:32Come on, Lacey.
01:33We're going back there to apologize.
01:34Why?
01:34He started it.
01:36That sounds like schoolyard logic to me.
01:38Does not.
01:38That's too...
01:40You're going.
01:41You've got to step back.
01:42You need to make amends.
01:42Come on.
01:43No, I already made amends with my god, and he's forgiven me.
01:47You're a hindu.
01:48Which god are you talking about?
01:50I don't know.
01:50There's like 5,000 of them.
01:52I'm sure one of them's cool with it.
01:58Crawler?
01:59Yes, sir.
02:00Charlie Goodson, I live two houses down.
02:02Oh, I remember you.
02:04You're the guy that likes to throw crap into the wind just to see where I'll land.
02:10Okay, first of all, that wasn't my candy wrapper on your lawn, as we discussed for a
02:14solid hour last week.
02:16But that's not why I'm here.
02:18I don't know if this is your girlfriend or not, but she's the one that drove over my trash
02:22cans, which, by the way, would be a great place to put your candy wrappers.
02:27Look, I'm a therapist, and Lacey is part of an anger management group that meets at my
02:31house once a week.
02:32Anger management?
02:33Isn't that where the courts send those ass-wipe celebrities and overpaid jocks so they can
02:37learn to control their temper?
02:39I wish.
02:41Wait a second here.
02:43You're telling me that you're bringing violent lunatics into our neighborhood every day,
02:48and you're having meetings at your house?
02:50They're not violent lunatics.
02:52Oh, yeah?
02:53What did you do to get into this group, sweetie pie?
02:56The court sent me there.
02:57I'm on probation.
02:58It's none of his business, Lacey.
02:59No, I'm not hiding anything.
03:00His imagination is probably worse than anything I did.
03:02I shot my boyfriend in the balls.
03:05You're my holy Mary, mother of God.
03:09Sounds bad out of context.
03:11What context?
03:12Did his balls pull a knife on her?
03:14No, they complained that I parked in their driveway.
03:17Are you threatening me?
03:19Obviously not.
03:19You don't have any balls.
03:21Well, that's our apologies, so we're gonna go.
03:24Good.
03:25At least this time you're taking your trash with you.
03:28You do schnozzle!
03:30Do schnozzle?
03:31It's not what you think.
03:33It's do schnozzle.
03:35It's German for our noses.
03:37May they always meet in peace.
03:40Do schnozzle.
03:41Do schnozzle.
03:47Okay.
03:49Here's what I picked up.
03:52Ooh.
03:54Isn't her sensual lubricant?
03:56This one gives you an invigorating warming sensation,
03:59and this one gives me a thrilling tingling sensation,
04:02and when we combine them,
04:03voila!
04:04Our genitals become the wonder twins.
04:08What'd you get?
04:09Was I supposed to get something?
04:10Duh.
04:11That was the plan.
04:12I'm just joking with you.
04:13Of course I got you something.
04:14I got you a, um...
04:19Sex whisk.
04:22You forgot.
04:23No, I'm just playing with you.
04:25What I got you is...
04:29sticky sex notes.
04:32So I can remember all the things I want to do to you.
04:44Patent the sex whisk.
04:48It wasn't a pretty dress.
04:51It looked like something you'd bury Snow White in.
04:53The only reason you didn't like it is because I picked it out.
04:57What's going on?
04:58I spent two weeks trying to help this little...
05:01daughter of ours...
05:03buy a dress for junior prom.
05:05Carter McGarry asked me to go, and he's really cute.
05:09Do you see anything wrong with a dress like this?
05:12No, no, it's great if you want to wear a pile of napkins covered in glitter barf.
05:16That's what I said.
05:17I don't know what I'm going to do.
05:18The prom's Saturday night.
05:20Well, what about this one with the sweetheart neckline?
05:22I mean, of course you'd have to lose a couple of the bows
05:24and the pouty-looking gay dude in the background.
05:28I'd love something like that.
05:30Can you come shopping with us right now?
05:31Why are we dragging Kate into this?
05:33She hasn't done anything to us.
05:36No, it's fine.
05:37If Sam wants an extra set of eyes, I'd be happy to help.
05:39Are you sure?
05:40I've got to warn you, this isn't just shopping with a teenage girl.
05:42This is shopping with the devil.
05:44Yeah, Charlie, I know what it's like.
05:47I used to be a teenage girl.
05:49Are you sure?
05:49I can't picture that.
05:50I thought you'd come out of the robot factory just like that.
05:54So you'll come?
05:56Yeah, I know prom's a special time.
05:58I don't want to intrude on any cherished mother-daughter moment.
06:02Doesn't matter.
06:03I'm dead inside.
06:05You're driving.
06:13I know you're a curious little monkey boy,
06:16but don't get any of that stuff near your eyes.
06:18It burns like pepper spray.
06:19And I'm supposed to put this on my genitals?
06:21Yes.
06:46Don't you knock?
06:53Have you?
06:54Nice lube.
06:57Have you seen this?
06:59Hoffler saying the people in your group are a threat to the neighborhood
07:02doesn't want a meeting in your house.
07:03Man, this guy's really got it out for me.
07:06You know, you could always spray this stuff in his eyes.
07:09Trust me.
07:10It's like pepper spray.
07:16Mr. Goodson's house has become a de facto mental institution
07:19for antisocial, unstable, and potentially dangerous individuals.
07:23What a douche nozzle.
07:25Douche nozzle?
07:26Is that worse than a douche bag?
07:29I don't know.
07:30It's not important.
07:31You know what?
07:32Maybe the nozzle is worse than the bag.
07:35Just stop.
07:36You live right between me and Hoffler.
07:38I need you to go over there and tell them
07:39that my patients don't cause any trouble.
07:40I'd love to.
07:42If I didn't have plans to build a jacuzzi
07:44that crosses onto his property.
07:46Are you serious?
07:47This is about a jacuzzi?
07:48Come on.
07:49Who was there for you when you got stuck in your doggy door?
07:52Okay, I get it.
07:54But I need a jacuzzi.
07:55I don't get a lot of girls, Charlie.
07:57My only game is close-up magic.
07:59Close-up magic does not work.
08:02Yep, you do need a jacuzzi.
08:08Here, try this one off.
08:09Oh, that looks good.
08:13Of course she likes it.
08:14You picked it.
08:15Well, maybe she likes it because it's a nice dress.
08:18Oh, please.
08:18I know what a nice dress looks like.
08:20I went to five proms in a row.
08:23That's right.
08:23Graduation didn't stop me.
08:26I think you're placing a little too much value on this prom thing.
08:29It's just a misogynistic parade of conformity that rewards blondness.
08:35Damn straight.
08:36Best five nights of my life.
08:38Let me guess.
08:39You were one of those dark, goth girls who was too cool to go to prom?
08:43No, I was going to, but I was smoking pot with Morrissey at the Roxy.
08:49I lost track of time.
08:52Let's go.
08:53What about the dress?
08:55Ruby texted me.
08:56She saw Carter at Cold Stone making out with Eva Pozzoli.
08:59Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
09:02You know, it's lame, but I really wanted to go.
09:04It's not lame.
09:05You should go.
09:05In a revenge dress.
09:08Oh, my gosh.
09:09Yes, a revenge dress.
09:11And then when you walk into the gym, it's like record scratch.
09:16Slow-mo.
09:17Everyone turns.
09:18Carter's head explodes.
09:20And then you go to the Roxy.
09:23No, you don't.
09:25I don't want you guys to be alarmed, but these are the flyers that my neighbor's been circulating.
09:30Oh, my God.
09:31There's unstable and potentially dangerous people in the neighborhood?
09:34We should get out of here.
09:37Those people are us, you unstable dumbass.
09:40Wait a minute.
09:41Hoffler?
09:42That stick in the mud down the street?
09:44Every day when I pass his house, I throw my candy wrappers on his lawn.
09:51He drives him crazy.
09:54Yeah, I heard.
09:56The way I see it, we have two options.
09:58I can either relocate to an office...
10:00Close to my house?
10:01I don't know, Ed.
10:01I'm not paying for parking.
10:02That's not the point, Patrick.
10:03Will there be a Starbucks?
10:04Because I hate your coffee.
10:05Or...
10:06We could stand together, let these people know that we are no different than they are,
10:09and we have every right to meet in this neighborhood.
10:11We?
10:12Hey, I have anger issues.
10:13I live with the stigma.
10:14I'm just like you.
10:15Except I am allowed to fly on Southwest, JetBlue, and Air Israel.
10:22What do you guys think?
10:23Let's give him hell.
10:25Yeah, let's do it.
10:25Good.
10:26Good.
10:26Wait, wait, wait.
10:27So, why are you banned from Air Israel?
10:30It was an honest mistake.
10:31I just assumed they were called juridices.
10:37There we go.
10:38Thanks for coming.
10:39Enjoy the brunch.
10:40In a few minutes, I'll do a Q&A to put everybody's mind at ease about my group.
10:45Okay.
10:45Sorry I'm late.
10:46What's the plan?
10:48Just get in there and mingle.
10:50It'd be very sweet.
10:51Then when I reveal that you guys are my patients, everyone will realize you're not a threat.
10:54Got it.
10:55Okay, does this outfit make me look antisocial, unstable, or potentially dangerous?
10:59No, I think it hides it very well.
11:07Hi, I'm Lacey.
11:09I'm new to the neighborhood.
11:11Hi, I'm Chad, and this is my wife, Shelly.
11:14Hi.
11:15How do you do?
11:19Did you just curtsy?
11:21A little.
11:25Well, Mary Ann and DeLondroy, you're preaching to the choir on that one.
11:31I mean, I believe we should spend more of our taxpayers' money to support the arts.
11:37Now, if that little rainbow baby of yours grows up and wants to be a rapper or a full-time
11:42sidewalk artist,
11:44I would be thrilled to work harder and take home much, much less.
11:52No, no, no, no.
11:53That does not look too tight on you at all.
11:55I mean, you got it?
11:56Flaunt it, and you, sweetheart, have a lot of it.
12:05I'm not worried about the anger management groups.
12:08What concerns me is the proliferation of the medical marijuana dispensaries.
12:12We talk about a suspicious-looking group of people in the lines.
12:18Hey, everybody.
12:20I want to thank you all for coming.
12:21I'm Charlie Goodson, and I've got a little surprise for you.
12:25Some of the people you've been mingling with are not your neighbors.
12:28They're actually members of my anger management group.
12:32Now, contrary to the lies circulated by Mr. Hoffler, only one of them has any history of violent crime.
12:38Fooled you.
12:41Guys, come on up here.
12:42Come on.
12:46Now, these are good and decent people.
12:48You've enjoyed their company all morning.
12:50So please think about that when you're asked to sign the petition.
12:54Hello, Chucky.
12:55I knew I'd find you here.
12:58In my house?
12:59You're a genius.
13:01What do you want?
13:03Justice.
13:04One of your sickos spray-painted douche nozzle on my garage door.
13:09What?
13:11And I'm pretty sure I know who did it.
13:16Are you blaming me, douche nozzle?
13:19I rest my case.
13:25Everybody enjoy yourselves.
13:26There's plenty of champagne and tuna.
13:34Okay, I just have one thing to say.
13:36I did not write douche nozzle on that douche nozzle's house, even though all you douche nozzles think I did.
13:42Nobody's making any judgments here.
13:44I am.
13:45Because of her, I wasted an hour spewing hippie garbage at Ori and O.
13:52This is crazy.
13:53I swear to God, I didn't do it.
13:56Why don't you guys believe me?
13:57I believe you, Lacey.
14:00Why don't you guys believe me?
14:03Look, everybody, I'll figure this out.
14:05It's all going to be fine.
14:07I'll see everybody Tuesday, somewhere.
14:11Lacey, can I see you for a second?
14:16If you're trying to make me feel better about those guys turning on me, it's sweet, but forget it.
14:20Do you have any Kahlua?
14:23Lacey, Kahlua isn't going to help with your frustration.
14:25Oh my God, you're right.
14:26I should have tequila.
14:30Lacey, you know I'm on your side, right?
14:32At least somebody is.
14:33Ooh, rum.
14:34That's like pirate tequila.
14:37And we're all working to keep the group in this house and maintain our dignity.
14:41It's below the label, so I'm just going to chug it.
14:44Lacey, come on.
14:44Come on.
14:47You got here late.
14:48You called Hoffler a douche nozzle.
14:51Wait, you don't believe me?
14:52Lacey.
14:53You don't, do you?
14:54Oh my God.
14:56As your therapist, I cannot help you with your anger issues unless you're honest with
14:59me.
15:00You know what?
15:01I may have to go to your group because the court says so, but that's all I'm going to
15:04do.
15:04I'm going to sit there and stare blankly.
15:07Oh, come on.
15:08I don't really believe you'd do that.
15:09See, you don't believe anything I say.
15:12I just want you to be honest with yourself.
15:14You want me to be honest?
15:15Yes.
15:15You suck.
15:18Okay, that I believe.
15:23Well, it's been three hours.
15:25You think Sam's revenge dress worked?
15:27Are you kidding me?
15:28She looked so hot we might have screwed up this boy's life for good.
15:32Blah!
15:35You know, it really meant a lot to me that you helped slut up my daughter for the prom.
15:41I have to be honest.
15:43Shopping for dresses with you guys kind of made me feel like I missed out on going to
15:47my prom.
15:49Well, since we're being honest, you didn't miss much.
15:54Just lots of slow dancing to Journey, some sweaty boy trying to press his junk up against
16:00your leg.
16:02That sounds horrible.
16:03So we agree.
16:05Prom night blows.
16:06That's the worst.
16:11Oh, my God.
16:13That was the best night of my entire life.
16:15Carter was staring at me the whole time.
16:18Thank you guys so much.
16:20Oh, that's so wonderful, honey.
16:22Good for you.
16:28I think she's miserable.
16:31Yeah, she just doesn't know it yet.
16:33Drinks at the Roxy?
16:35Yes, I'll call a cab.
16:37And full disclosure, it wasn't Morrissey.
16:39It was the other dude from Wham.
16:44Hey, Charlie.
16:48I, uh, heard about what happened at the brunch.
16:51Yeah, it was bad.
16:52I've been calling my neighbors all night trying to get them to change their minds.
16:55What was Lacey thinking?
16:57Maybe she wasn't thinking.
17:00Maybe she was a little drunk and finally had enough of that fascist son-of-a-bitch Hoffler
17:05when he told her that she can't have her oversized hot tub.
17:09You wrote Douche Nozzle?
17:12Lacey's being blamed for it.
17:13I know.
17:13I know.
17:14I'm sorry.
17:15Look, I'll just go tell Hoffler that I did it.
17:17No, it won't help.
17:18He knows you're my friend and he'll think you're covering for the group.
17:21I can't believe you did this.
17:22I'm sorry.
17:24I just snapped.
17:26I can't go back to the magic, Charlie.
17:29You ruined your relationship with one of my patients.
17:32And you know what?
17:33Your magic sucks.
17:35It's always the ace of spades.
17:36I can see the coin in your hand and use a fake thumb.
17:40Oh, my God.
17:41How do you know that?
17:42Because you're black and the thumb isn't.
17:45You cannot take a white thumb and color it with a magic marker.
17:48By the way, that marker, the closest you'll ever get to magic.
18:02What do you want?
18:03I'm getting ready to go out.
18:05I found out you didn't do it.
18:06Oh, you know who'd be interested?
18:08The door.
18:08No, no, no.
18:09Let's take this.
18:10I'm sorry.
18:11I should never assume you were guilty.
18:12I want you to know that not once since I've been in your group have I ever lied to you.
18:17In fact, I tell you embarrassing things about myself.
18:19Like, I didn't wear underwear to my assault hearing, hoping the judge would drop the charges.
18:26I already knew that because the judge wrote in your file,
18:28the defendant shows no remorse.
18:30It did show a lot of other stuff.
18:32I don't think we have anything else to talk about.
18:34Yes, we do.
18:35Look, I believe that you never lied to me in therapy.
18:38And even though you've got some issues, I think you've made a lot of progress in the last 11 months.
18:42So, here.
18:44What is this?
18:45Spoke to your probation officer and got you out of anger therapy early.
18:49You're kidding me.
18:50So, I'm done?
18:51Signed it this morning.
18:52It's all legal.
18:54Wow.
18:56I guess this is goodbye.
18:58I guess so.
19:00You know, when I think about that angry young woman that walked through my door.
19:08Yep, that's the one.
19:12So, when are we going to move to these offices that you swear to God will be close to my
19:16house?
19:17Still looking, Ed.
19:19Well, you can stop looking.
19:20Once again, my lack of social skills and excessive amount of time on the internet has paid off.
19:25I dug up some really sketchy dirt on Hoffler.
19:28No, no, no, no, no, no.
19:30We're not going to use personal attacks to blackmail this guy into letting us stay here.
19:33We're going to take the high road.
19:34You're probably right.
19:36Besides, who's going to care that he built a sex dungeon in his basement?
19:40On the other hand, the low road is a lot less congested.
19:44All right, we've got that taken care of.
19:46We can begin the meeting.
19:47Where the hell's Gunga Dem?
19:50Lacey will no longer be joining us.
19:55So, you kicked her out of the group?
19:58Actually, it turns out she didn't do it.
20:00We had a long talk and I signed her release so she could finish therapy a month early.
20:05If you're writing letters, write one for me.
20:07Tell my wife I'm dead so I can start a new life in Corpus Christi and fulfill my lifetime dream.
20:14What dream is that?
20:15To leave my wife and move to Corpus Christi.
20:19I can't believe this.
20:21So, she's just out there all alone feeling like we betrayed her?
20:24Well, I'm not just going to sit here.
20:26I don't care if I have to search the ends of the earth.
20:28I'm going to find her.
20:30I found her!
20:33Don't touch me, tall.
20:36Well, we may have falsely accused her, but we didn't break her spirit.
20:40I've got to say, Lacey, I'm surprised to see you here.
20:43So am I, but I woke up this morning and I realized that when you called me a liar, I
20:48didn't lash out at you or do anything violent like I usually do.
20:51So, I figured I must be improving.
20:54And that's why you came back?
20:56Yeah.
20:58That and last night, someone else called me a liar and I knocked that skank out with my absolutely real
21:04Chanel bag.
21:08Well, they say that relapse is a part of recovery.
21:11So, let's hope that skank has a speedy recovery.
21:16Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
21:19ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
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21:21ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
21:23ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
21:28You
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