- 18 minutes ago
Charlie's Patients Hook Up
When Lacey has her driver's license suspended again due to a fit of anger over her latest date, Charlie confronts her about the type of man she always seems to hook up with and inadvertently pushes her into a date with Nolan. Lacey returns to the next session and announces that she and Nolan are a couple, but it is clear she is just using him to drive her around and do her bidding. While on a "date" with Nolan at a 7–11, Lacey is caught shoplifting, thus violating her probation and sending her to jail.
When Lacey has her driver's license suspended again due to a fit of anger over her latest date, Charlie confronts her about the type of man she always seems to hook up with and inadvertently pushes her into a date with Nolan. Lacey returns to the next session and announces that she and Nolan are a couple, but it is clear she is just using him to drive her around and do her bidding. While on a "date" with Nolan at a 7–11, Lacey is caught shoplifting, thus violating her probation and sending her to jail.
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TVTranscript
00:00So, Nolan, we haven't talked about how you're doing.
00:02You seem a little bit out of it today, even for you.
00:05I don't know what's wrong with me lately.
00:07I've been spacey and forgetful,
00:10but I've been snacking a lot.
00:13You've been doing a little bit of this?
00:16Making turkey shadow puppets?
00:19Sometimes. Mostly when I'm high.
00:24That is the first and last time I am ever taking the bus.
00:27I told the driver I was in a hurry,
00:29but he stopped for, like, every person who wanted a ride.
00:33That is the problem with public transportation.
00:36Why are you taking the bus?
00:38Because she's a foreigner.
00:41That's where all non-Americans go to plot against the rest of us.
00:45Hey, just because I'm not fat doesn't mean I'm not American.
00:49I'm proud of my curves.
00:53At least, we only have a few minutes left,
00:54so why don't you sit down and tell us what happened.
00:56Last night, the stupid police took my license away for a month for no reason at all.
01:01I mean, the jerk I was chasing was driving, like, a hundred,
01:03and I was only going 60, which I know is still a lot for a sidewalk.
01:08Who were you chasing?
01:10This guy I've been seeing.
01:11He invited me to this club,
01:12then ditched me at the bar and took off with some skank.
01:16Why?
01:17He had a perfectly good one right in front of him.
01:22Lacey, you're on probation.
01:24Was the risk of a car chase really worth it?
01:26And if you'd caught the guy,
01:28what sort of enlightened exchange were you expecting to have
01:30with the gentleman and his skank?
01:32Okay, we're out of time.
01:33We'll see you all next Tuesday.
01:38Hey, Lacey, can I have a word with you before you go?
01:39Well, a little outside of what we deal with here,
01:42but, um, I'm concerned about your choices in men.
01:46I know, I know, but it's so hard to find a hot guy with a slow car.
01:52No, no, I'm talking about your self-destructive pattern
01:55of choosing men who mistreat you.
01:57Don't you think you deserve a better guy?
01:58Come on, that's just how guys are.
02:00Well, that's not true.
02:02There's a lot of guys out there who would take you dancing
02:04and never even look at another woman.
02:06I know, but turning gay guys is so much work.
02:10I'm talking about straight guys who would do anything for you.
02:13Guys like that don't exist.
02:15Well, sure they do.
02:16You sit next to one in group.
02:17You think I should go out with Nolan?
02:19No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
02:21I'm just saying that there's a thousand nice guys out there
02:23who would do anything for you.
02:25Oh, my God, are you hitting on me?
02:27What? No.
02:29No.
02:30Just keep your eyes open when you're at the supermarket
02:32or the laundromat or the library.
02:36You've never been to any of those places, have you?
02:43Next time, only one of us wears the blindfold.
02:46Yeah.
02:47That was just a lot of groping and hoping.
02:52All right.
02:54Good night.
02:56Whoa, whoa, whoa.
02:57What are you doing?
02:58I'm going to sleep.
03:00No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
03:03We don't do sleep.
03:05When we're done, we just high-five and go our separate ways.
03:09The guys in porn cuddle more than you do.
03:12I told you how I feel about sleeping over.
03:15The next thing you know, we'll be happily married and completely miserable.
03:19Can't send me home.
03:20It's three in the morning.
03:22Okay, look.
03:24If you want to stay for a bit, we can talk.
03:27I'd rather sleep.
03:28Drive safe.
03:30Okay, okay, fine.
03:32I'll talk.
03:34Let me ask you something.
03:36Where would you go to meet nice guys?
03:39Boy, you really are desperate to cuddle.
03:42Well, it's Lacey.
03:44She's attracted to these toxic men.
03:46I just thought it'd be good for her to meet somebody nice.
03:48Any ideas?
03:49Well, you have to get her out of the clubs and bars.
03:52There's museums.
03:53There's charities.
03:54I met a really nice guy at my improv comedy class.
03:57I'm sorry.
03:58You're what now?
04:00Improvisational comedy class.
04:02I read a study that suggests that therapists who incorporate humor into their practice have a 32% higher success
04:09rate.
04:09I, for one, want to laugh my way to success.
04:12That's actually the name of the class, too.
04:16I'm not working out for you.
04:19Give me a location, a food, and a famous historical figure.
04:23No, that's fine.
04:25You don't have to prove anything.
04:26Why, Mr. Lincoln, what are you doing at the Taj Mahal?
04:31Drinking a root beer float.
04:37Yeah, I'm gonna go home now.
04:45Coming.
04:49Hey, Lacey.
04:51Bus was early today?
04:52I got a ride with Nolan.
04:53He's always sitting outside in his car with binoculars, anyway.
04:57Stick around after group.
04:59I have some suggestions on where you can meet a better class of guys.
05:02Hey, Lacey.
05:03You left your latte in the car.
05:05Is it the correct drinking temperature yet?
05:10I got some ice for you.
05:15That'll cool the coffee down faster.
05:23Hi, Sam.
05:25Hey.
05:25Lily's scrubbing there.
05:27You okay, or is it an OCD thing?
05:30No, I dropped my phone in the toilet, and I have to reach in and get it.
05:33You reached into a toilet?
05:35Wow, that's gotta be a big step for you.
05:38I'm proud and disgusted at the same time.
05:42I had to answer it.
05:43I guess my compulsion of answering a ringing phone is stronger than my obsession with germs.
05:48Well, we all have our priorities.
06:00Okay, everybody, let's get started.
06:03I don't usually begin with a theme, but today I'd like to discuss secrets.
06:09Because there's nothing more unhealthy than keeping them to ourselves.
06:13Anybody have something they would like to reveal?
06:15I would.
06:17I don't trust black weathermen.
06:20Good example.
06:22Anyone else?
06:23Or Jewish sportscasters.
06:26Of course, that goes without saying.
06:29I mean, does anyone else want to share a secret?
06:33Okay, this is very delicate, but I was spending one summer with my aunt and uncle, and I found
06:39out that they were both the same person.
06:44Fascinating.
06:47How about you, Nolan?
06:48Lacey?
06:49Can I tell them we're going out?
06:50Oh my God, you're going out?
06:53Can I tell them now?
06:54It seems like they already know.
06:57Fine.
06:58We're going out.
06:59Finally.
06:59A secret worth exploring.
07:01When did this happen?
07:02You said something the other day about me needing a nice guy, and normally when you talk, I just
07:07hear blah, blah, blah, blah.
07:09But this time, I heard blah, blah, blah, blah, Nolan, blah, blah.
07:14It really moved me, so I thought I'd give it a shot.
07:18Okay, okay, well, as a therapist, it's not my place to judge the choices that you make,
07:22so everybody else, feel free to judge the choices they make.
07:27I think it's great.
07:29Of course you do.
07:31If it makes them happy to be together, maybe they won't have to come here anymore, and
07:35that'll make me happy, and I won't have to come here anymore.
07:39And with the three of them gone, I can finally finish my story about my Aunt Bruce.
07:43Unbelievable.
07:44You people criticize the muffins I put out every week, but nobody has any issues with
07:47this?
07:48Well, it's just that if you put out a chocolate chip muffin, the chips should be evenly distributed
07:53throughout the muffin.
07:57People dating within a therapy group is a terrible idea.
07:59It can only lead to dishonesty and manipulation.
08:02Look, I know it seems weird, but I deserve someone like Nolan.
08:05I mean, yeah, he's not the sort of guy I've gone out with in the past, but I believe I
08:09can change.
08:10Yeah, and I'm sure that I can change, too.
08:13I used to only be into super controlling girls, but now it's...
08:16Hey, what did I say about talking too much?
08:19Nolan, if you don't have to listen to her, you can talk.
08:27I don't know about this, Charlie.
08:29I feel a little creepy installing a tracking program on our daughter's phone.
08:34Look, if we're replacing her phone, we might as well.
08:36It's like when they tag a giraffe so they can see where it migrates, what it eats, and most
08:40importantly, to make sure it doesn't mate.
08:42But this is just for her safety, right?
08:44I mean, she's a good kid.
08:46We're not trying to catch her doing something bad.
08:48No, we're not trying to, but we'll be able to.
08:53It's not even leaving the house.
08:54I feel like the Jetsons.
08:57Test it.
08:58I have a telephone.
08:59Where are you now?
09:01According to this, we're at a Chipotle in Albuquerque.
09:04Oh, I love the one here.
09:05I wonder if that one's good.
09:09I think I entered the wrong number.
09:11I'm sorry, I'm a little distracted.
09:13Look, I know you're worried about Lacey and Nolan dating, but you don't have to be.
09:16I'm the one who gave her the idea.
09:18No, man, it's not going to last.
09:20Women like Lacey don't go out with guys because their anger shrink tells them to.
09:24The only reason she'd be with Nolan is so she could use him.
09:28Use him for what?
09:29Tap water?
09:30I dated a guy for three months because he had air conditioning.
09:35That's terrible.
09:36Charlie, it was really hot.
09:39Old people were dying.
09:42Yeah, well, if Lacey's using him, then Nolan's going to be destroyed.
09:45He's convinced he's found the abusive girl of his dreams.
09:49It's not like I wasn't putting out.
09:53I got to talk to her.
09:55I don't know who we're tracking, but right now, they're at the Dave and Busters in New
09:59Wands.
10:00He doesn't know how to live.
10:02It's not even a weekend.
10:07Hey, Lacey.
10:08Thanks for coming by early.
10:10Am I in trouble?
10:11Because if I am, I would have worn something tighter.
10:14Impossible.
10:17No, I just want to see how things are going with you and Nolan.
10:20Oh, good.
10:21Like, I mean, I complete him or he completes me or whatever.
10:26Lacey, I'm going to ask you something.
10:27I need you to tell me the truth.
10:29Are you using Nolan?
10:30What?
10:31No.
10:32Oh, my God.
10:32I would never.
10:33I'm so insulted.
10:33I don't know what to do.
10:36Lacey, our entire relationship is predicated on you being honest with me.
10:40So I'm going to ask you again.
10:41Are you using Nolan?
10:43Can we talk patient to therapist?
10:45Of course.
10:46I'll be the therapist.
10:49When I lost my license, I couldn't go anywhere.
10:51I couldn't get my hair done, my nails done.
10:53And my Brazilian was starting to be reclaimed by the jungle.
10:57Okay.
10:59So you're acting like his girlfriend so he'll drive you around?
11:02Hey, it's a good deal for him, too.
11:04He gets what he always wanted, to be near me.
11:06Lacey, you can't do this to him.
11:08Sure I can.
11:09He's not very bright.
11:11The minute you get your license back, you're going to dump him.
11:14I'm not a monster.
11:15Before we break up, I'll let him touch the sides.
11:20Lacey, this is degrading to you, degrading to Nolan,
11:23and not to mention you're completely rewriting the rules of second base.
11:27I will not let you abuse Nolan like this.
11:29Yes, you will, because of a little something called patient therapist confidentiality.
11:37Here's your pressed beet, green apple, wheatgrass, ginger juice with a soy protein power boost.
11:43A boost? I didn't ask for a boost.
11:45I know, but I thought you'd like it.
11:47You know what I like? I like what I ask for.
11:49From now on, make sure that's what I get.
11:55Nolan, you think you deserve to be treated like this?
11:57Not yet, but I think I can earn it eventually.
12:04So, I turned to the table next to me, I looked him in the eye,
12:07and I said, if you don't shut up, I'm going to come over there and I'm going to shut you
12:10up.
12:11I know you're trying to be more direct with your anger,
12:13but there's no reason to threaten a baby.
12:16Well, fine, take that jerk side. Everybody else did.
12:20Do you want another Diet Coke, Jimmuck?
12:22No, I meant Max Blout.
12:25Jimmuck.
12:26I take back everything I said before.
12:28These two together are the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.
12:32And I delivered the baby by cesarean section in the Cambodian jungle,
12:37using nothing but the lid off a can of beans.
12:43Actually, Ed, what you're describing is quite beautiful.
12:45Not if you're in the middle of a fully equipped field hospital
12:48just trying to get intel out of a pregnant lady.
12:52For the younger members of our group,
12:54this is a very turbulent time in our history.
12:57Nobody was right, nobody was wrong, nobody won, everyone lost.
13:01I lost a can of beans.
13:05I am so glad you didn't say the baby.
13:08Okay, everybody, I'll see you next Tuesday.
13:14Nolan, can I talk to you for a minute?
13:15Yeah.
13:16What are you going to talk to him about?
13:17It's private, Lacey.
13:19Oh, that's right.
13:20You have doctor-patient confidentiality.
13:22I know.
13:23You remember doctor-patient confidentiality, don't you?
13:26Yes, Lacey, I do.
13:28You better.
13:30Okay, maybe I'm being a little sensitive,
13:31but this seems like an unusual conversation.
13:35I'll be in the car.
13:37I'll miss you.
13:37Yeah, yeah.
13:44So, what things are going on with you guys?
13:46Well, we spent most of our relationship
13:47driving around in the car.
13:49I'd like to change that a little,
13:50but other than that, things are great.
13:54Nolan, have a seat.
13:57I'll tell you about a movie I once saw.
14:00It's called She's Using You.
14:05I've never heard of it.
14:06Who's in it?
14:08Tom Cruise.
14:09How did I miss him?
14:11I've seen all three of his movies.
14:14It doesn't matter.
14:15What matters is the point of the movie,
14:17which, once again, is called She's Using You.
14:21It's about a guy who thinks he's in a relationship
14:23with a girl, but it turns out she's...
14:26What, Nolan?
14:27A double agent.
14:30No, no.
14:31She's using him because she lost her license
14:33and needs someone to drive her around
14:34and run her errands under the guise that they're dating.
14:37Is this an Indian girl?
14:40Afraid so.
14:42God, I am such an idiot.
14:44What was I thinking?
14:45I mean, there's no way a girl like Lacey
14:47could ever love a loser like me.
14:49Nolan, you're not a loser.
14:51It's just...
14:52sometimes we just see things the way we want to.
14:55What am I gonna do?
14:57You're gonna go out there
14:58and you're gonna pretend that you figured this out
14:59all by yourself.
15:01And you're gonna talk to her.
15:03And it's gonna be okay
15:04because everything you need
15:06is right here.
15:09I meant your heart.
15:14You gotta slow down on this stuff, Nolan.
15:17I do.
15:18No, I mean, you gotta take it easy on it.
15:21I do.
15:24I do.
15:29What was that about?
15:31Nothing.
15:31He just asked me to move a couch.
15:33And while we were doing that,
15:35I figured out all by myself
15:36that you're using me.
15:39I can't believe he told you.
15:41You're not the one who gets to be mad.
15:42You used me, Lacey.
15:44Please, that's what relationships are.
15:45Guys use girls, girls use guys,
15:47and sometimes girls use toys
15:48because guys don't know what the hell they're doing.
15:52Some people are looking for more than that.
15:55Look, I'm not stupid, okay?
15:58I know the only reason a guy goes out with me
15:59is because he wants...
16:01this.
16:03Well, not me.
16:04I don't like you because of your cocoa skin,
16:07your crazy big boobs,
16:08your beautiful heart-shaped butt.
16:11I don't even notice those things.
16:14I like you because of who you are inside.
16:17I mean, if you're just a head in a box.
16:20I drive you around.
16:21Really?
16:23You'd drive me around
16:24if I was just a head in a box?
16:27Yeah.
16:28Put you up on the dashboard,
16:29put some sunglasses on,
16:31keep the flies off you.
16:35You'd still do that for me?
16:40You know what?
16:43Let's go somewhere
16:44and do something that you want to do.
16:46Really?
16:48Anything?
16:50Yeah.
16:55Want to go park behind 7-Eleven
16:57and get still?
16:59That is the nicest thing
17:01anyone's ever asked me to do
17:03behind a 7-Eleven.
17:09Why do you have this map
17:11with an arrow blinking
17:12on the Olive Garden?
17:14Must be where Sam's
17:15having dinner right now.
17:16In Sydney, Australia.
17:19Did she work up an appetite
17:21smoking one of these?
17:23No, that's Nolan's.
17:24I wanted him to have a clear head
17:25when he spoke to Lacey.
17:26He hasn't returned my calls.
17:28Where the hell is he?
17:29I don't know.
17:30Maybe he's with your daughter
17:31and, oh, look,
17:33they're in the middle
17:33of the ocean now.
17:36Should we get pizza
17:37or seafood?
17:38Maybe I'm worrying
17:39for nothing.
17:40Do you like mushrooms?
17:41This could be the best thing
17:41that ever happened to him.
17:42I like mushrooms.
17:45Yellow?
17:47Yeah?
17:49Where?
17:50All right, I'll be right there.
17:52I'll be back in an hour.
17:53Where are you going?
17:55Nolan and Lacey
17:56just robbed a 7-Eleven.
17:57She's in jail.
18:00Mushrooms it is.
18:07Nolan?
18:08Charlie?
18:09Thank God you came.
18:10They impounded my car.
18:12What the hell happened?
18:13Oh, first,
18:14Lacey and I got high.
18:15I thought I took your pot.
18:17You took my front pocket pot.
18:18I also took back pocket pot,
18:20sock pot,
18:21and underwear pot.
18:22Shh.
18:23We're in a police station.
18:24Just tell me what happened.
18:26We're behind the 7-Eleven.
18:27Lacey decided
18:28that she wanted to make s'mores,
18:29but neither of us
18:30had any money.
18:31So she stuffed marshmallows
18:32and Hershey bars
18:33down her dress.
18:34Who had the graham crackers?
18:37Damn.
18:38I am so stupid.
18:40Who would have had to go back?
18:42What happened to breaking up?
18:44What happened to standing up
18:45for yourself?
18:45She's still using you.
18:46No, not anymore, Charlie.
18:47She's different now.
18:49She's changed.
18:55What were you thinking, Lacey?
18:57You're on probation.
18:58They can keep you locked up
18:58in here for 30 days.
19:00Relax.
19:00I'm having my dad
19:01call his lawyer.
19:02He owes me a favor.
19:04I let him touch the sides once.
19:06You should have told him
19:07that I was the one
19:08that did it,
19:08that I shoved the marshmallows
19:10down your dress
19:10while you weren't looking.
19:11Trust me.
19:12I thought about it,
19:13but I couldn't do that to you.
19:15Good for you, Lacey.
19:16You've shown a little bit of growth.
19:17Hopefully, the other prisoners
19:17will see that
19:18and not try to stab you.
19:23Well, Lacey's in jail.
19:26I'm assuming by now
19:27she's fashioned her IUD
19:29into a shiv.
19:32You know, Charlie,
19:34we can never imagine
19:37who our patients truly are.
19:40The words they tell us
19:42are like grains of sand
19:45gathered from the beaches
19:46of their mind,
19:47and it is our job
19:49to help them
19:50collect that sand
19:52and build castles of thought
19:53which can never be washed away.
19:56What the hell
19:57are you talking about?
19:59I don't know.
20:00I am completely stoned
20:02out of my mind.
20:07Kate.
20:09Kate, that was
20:10Nolan's front pocket weed.
20:14Oh, my God.
20:16Do I love crunch berries.
20:19Okay.
20:20Come on.
20:20Let's get you upstairs.
20:27Why is your escalator
20:28always broken?
20:37What the hell
20:38am I doing here?
20:39Hi, Kate.
20:42I slept over,
20:43you son of a dick!
20:47I know.
20:48You want some breakfast?
20:49Hell no!
20:51I already slept over.
20:52I'm not letting this
20:52get any further.
20:54Okay.
20:55But I went out
20:56and bought crunch berries.
20:59I hate you.
21:06Ha ha ha!
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