- 17 hours ago
Charlie's Dad Starts to Lose It
Charlie grows concerned when his father begins to show signs of Alzheimer's disease. Patrick tries to help Nolan dress for succes
Charlie grows concerned when his father begins to show signs of Alzheimer's disease. Patrick tries to help Nolan dress for succes
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TVTranscript
00:00Okay, we've exchanged makeup gifts for lashing out at each other.
00:03But the most important thing is to also verbally apologize.
00:06Especially when we tried to blind somebody with perfume.
00:11Sorry, Nolan.
00:13It's okay. My eyeballs never smell better.
00:18Changed someone's ringtone to smack my bitch up.
00:23I'm sorry, Ed.
00:25Tried to put someone on the no-fly list.
00:28Sorry about that, Lacey.
00:31That is your real name.
00:35FYI, I'm already on the no-fly list.
00:37Do not try to steal drinks from flight attendants,
00:40because those hoes are located here, here, and here.
00:44And refer to someone as a giant piece of crap walking around in a bag of human skin.
00:50Sorry, me.
00:53It's okay, me.
00:57Oh, hey, everybody.
00:59Sorry, Charlie. I didn't realize you were in group.
01:01I don't want to interrupt.
01:02It's okay, Dad.
01:03Are you going to pick up some grapefruit later?
01:05I was really in the mood for grapefruit this morning.
01:07Yeah, sorry, Dad.
01:08I was busy, but I'll make sure I get everything on your list when I go to the store later.
01:12And don't forget the pudding.
01:13How could I? I was on your list twice.
01:14Under my with stars and arrows.
01:16I like pudding.
01:17Is that what that meant?
01:19See you later, Dad.
01:20And make sure you get the eight-pack, the four-packs of joke.
01:23Oh, my God.
01:25I'm sorry. I didn't want to interrupt.
01:27No problem, but you did.
01:29Didn't mean to.
01:30But continue to.
01:33So, is your father living here now?
01:35No, it just seems that way, because he showed up last week, and now he won't go home.
01:40This isn't what a problem with this plumbing.
01:42Maybe it's his building.
01:44Or maybe a tin with all that grapefruit and pudding.
01:49All right, let's get back to the session.
01:51I have a question.
01:52Nolan, you didn't do anything to me.
01:54Why did you give me a teddy bear?
01:55I just saw it, and I thought it could keep you company, you know?
01:58And if you're happy, you could kiss it.
02:01And if you're sad, you could just hold it to your bosom.
02:05That is so sweet.
02:06Is that a camera, Nolan?
02:09What?
02:10A camera?
02:11That guy ripped me off.
02:13What a bad man.
02:15Just once, I'd like a bear without a camera.
02:19Nolan, you really got to examine this obsession you have with lacing.
02:22Once again, you're attracted to someone who treats you badly and validates your low self-esteem.
02:27Really?
02:28Because I...
02:28Shut your loser hole.
02:29He's trying to help you.
02:31Can I interject something?
02:33See, I think the first step to feeling better about yourself is looking better.
02:37I mean, you could start by just making a couple of changes.
02:42For example, just all of this and just all of this.
02:47Patrick, getting self-esteem is not as easy as a change of clothes.
02:50It takes hard work, and it's a gradual process.
02:53Well, as a personal shopper, I see clothes transform people every day.
02:58It's like therapy, except that it's faster, and no one wears black shoes and white socks.
03:03Ed.
03:07Patrick, there's no reason to praise one profession at the expense of another.
03:10Even if one of those professions is selling clothes made by five-year-old crying Chinese girls.
03:16I want to try to look good.
03:18Will you help me, Patrick?
03:20Well, I don't want to get in the way of the glacial progress you're making here, but yeah, sure.
03:25Let's give it a try.
03:27Did I mention that sometimes they shoot the girls for crying too hard?
03:32Sorry, Dad, can I see you for a second?
03:34It's about Grandpa.
03:36Excuse me a second, guys.
03:41I know you're just the messenger, but if this is anything about grapefruit or pudding, I swear to God.
03:45I just want you to see something.
03:48I don't know if we should be worried about Grandpa or not, but I found this.
03:56Why would Grandpa put his shoes in the refrigerator?
03:58Is he okay?
03:59Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, he's fine.
04:01Are you sure?
04:02Yeah.
04:04Yeah, it's an old Irish tradition.
04:06When you go to someone's house, you put your shoes in their fridge as a sign of respect.
04:12Don't you feel respected?
04:15So, why don't we complete the tradition by taking these shoes back up to Grandpa's room
04:22and pretending like this never happened.
04:35In all my 65 years, I have never been this happy.
04:39I thought you were 72.
04:40The whole thing was a lie.
04:41You think I've never been this happy?
04:47Don't you want to answer that?
04:48No, just someone calling to wish me a happy birthday and make another stupid over-the-hill joke.
04:54What was it like to live when the dinosaurs roamed the earth?
04:56It was like mind your own damn business, Buster.
05:00People are so rude.
05:03But seriously, what was it like?
05:05You know, a lot of times the dinosaurs would kill the youngest member of the family for being a smart
05:09aleck.
05:11Sam, take your grandpa and go watch that DVD we got him.
05:14I'll bring in the cake and ice cream.
05:15Great.
05:16Can't wait to see grumpy old men again.
05:19Hope nobody cut their hand digging through the bargain bin by the checkout counter.
05:23Nice to know I'm worth a buck ninety-nine.
05:27So, Sam told me that Martin put his shoes in the fridge.
05:31That doesn't sound good.
05:32Is he okay?
05:33He had a senior moment.
05:34You're always blowing stuff out of proportion.
05:36People forget things.
05:37Yeah, I guess.
05:39When you were on the road playing baseball, I used to forget we were married.
05:43All right, you got me.
05:45We're even now.
05:46Guess we're not talking about that anymore.
05:49Hey, excuse me.
05:49I gotta hit the john before we start the film.
05:52Charlie, what are we, animals?
05:54We used to put a door on this thing.
05:55Dad, Dad, Dad, stop, stop.
05:57It's not a bathroom.
05:57It's not a bathroom.
05:58What?
06:00Oh, man, I am really sorry.
06:03I guess I got a little distracted.
06:05You okay?
06:06Yeah, I'm just really embarrassed.
06:10I still have to go to the bathroom.
06:11There's one upstairs, right?
06:13Yeah, it's the room without the beds.
06:18Charlie, you've really got to take your dad to the doctor.
06:20Could be something serious, like Alzheimer's.
06:23Alzheimer's?
06:24No, it's probably just another one of his tricks.
06:26Maybe he wants something.
06:27Maybe he wants to move in with me.
06:28You're right.
06:29Maybe nobody has Alzheimer's, and one out of five old people just want to live with you.
06:34All right, fine.
06:35I'll take him to the doctor, but I'm telling you, Jen, he just wants someone to wait on
06:37him hand and foot like his ex-wife used to.
06:39You really think he'd go that far?
06:41He'd pee in your pantry just to fool you?
06:43He's from a generation of people who still knew the value of hard work and commitment.
06:48Yeah, those who look at a toilet and say, why?
06:50He looks at a pantry and says, why not?
06:59I really appreciate you doing this for me, Patrick.
07:02I hope I don't let you down.
07:03Are you kidding me?
07:04You're every stylist's dream.
07:06You're a blank slate with no style whatsoever.
07:12All right.
07:13Let's find out who is in there.
07:15Give me one word to describe yourself.
07:18Nolan.
07:21All right.
07:21You're going to have to go a little bit deeper.
07:23Nolan.
07:30You know what?
07:30I have a pretty good sense of who you are, so let's just see what we can do to cover
07:34that
07:34up.
07:40There.
07:40Now that is the kind of shirt that commands respect.
07:44Wow.
07:45I respect it already.
07:48Here.
07:49Put this on.
07:52Look at you.
07:54You already look like a different man.
07:56Oh, my God.
07:58I am.
07:59I look like Ryan Gosling.
08:01He's the assistant.
08:02You sure do.
08:04See, when you look better, you actually feel better about yourself.
08:09You're right.
08:09I do feel better.
08:11If I met myself in a bar, I'd talk to me.
08:16All we need to do is add this, which is a splash of color.
08:20I should have told you.
08:22I don't like ties.
08:23No, I know it's a little formal, but now, instead of looking like a guy who sells weed
08:28in an alley, you'll look like the guy in charge of a guy who sells weed in an alley.
08:35I don't care.
08:36Get it off.
08:37Get it off.
08:37Hold still.
08:38Oh, God, it's like Tarzan's first day in the city.
08:40It's a tie.
08:41It's not going to hurt you.
08:43I can't breathe.
08:45I can't.
08:46I can't breathe.
08:52Now that we have learned something about you, here's something about me.
08:56I am very uncomfortable when people cry.
09:01That is the last time I ever open up to you.
09:07Yo.
09:08Hey.
09:09So, how'd it go with the doctors?
09:11Is your dad faking it?
09:12Or does he really have the hymers?
09:15The hymers?
09:16Real sensitive.
09:18How's your mom's chemia?
09:21Oh, it's intermiss.
09:22Oh, it's intermiss.
09:23Look, it helps me to deal with the heavy stuff by just giving it a little nickname.
09:27That's how I function.
09:29I learned that from a Jewish friend who lost his grandparents in the cost.
09:33You even have a nickname for the holocaust?
09:35No, he lost him at Costco.
09:37They wandered off.
09:39They had the hymers.
09:42Well, how's your dad?
09:44Well, he took him to the doctor.
09:45He didn't do so well on the cognitive stuff.
09:48That doesn't prove anything.
09:49The tests are inconclusive.
09:51So, there's no way to know for sure?
09:53Not until they do an autopsy.
09:55I tried to schedule one for tomorrow, but, you know, it rolls.
09:59So, what's the next step?
10:01I don't know.
10:01My gut tells me he's faking it.
10:03Maybe he'd tank the test on purpose.
10:05Well, what if he didn't?
10:06What kind of son are you if it turns out he's really sick?
10:10The kind that I'll spend the rest of my life wracked with guilt?
10:15I can't wait to find out.
10:17I need to know if he's faking it now.
10:21Good luck with that.
10:22You have to watch the guy all day to know for sure.
10:25That's why I'm going to use this Teddy spy cam.
10:28One of my patients left it behind.
10:30Yeah, I got one of those at home.
10:32I thought my housekeeper was stealing from me.
10:35Is this the hot one?
10:36Oh, yeah.
10:38So, was she stealing from you?
10:40Not enough to let her go.
10:42It's always an ethical dilemma when the hot turned to crime.
10:46They belong in jail, but they're so hot.
10:51It's a good thing they didn't have hidden cameras like this when I was younger.
10:54I'm sure my parents would have used it to catch me doing something wrong.
10:58You guys had some trust issues?
11:00Yeah, and it only got worse when they found out I was sleeping with a college professor.
11:06You slept with a professor?
11:07Before you were in college?
11:08No, I would never do that.
11:10I was in high school.
11:13You are an endless wellspring of wow.
11:18Can we go now?
11:20I've been watching your father for an hour and a half.
11:22All he's done is eat some pudding, do a crossword puzzle, eat some more pudding.
11:26This could take days.
11:27No, no, no, no.
11:28This is all proving my point.
11:30When I'm home, it's all peeing in the pantry and shoes in the fridge.
11:34Look at him right now.
11:35He's as normal as you and me.
11:37Well, me.
11:38I didn't have sex with college professors until I was in college.
11:42But you're not going to see anything.
11:44Yes, I am.
11:45I'll see enough to prove that my father's a big fat liar.
11:49He hasn't done one thing out of the ordinary.
11:54He's using an ice cream sandwich as a remote control.
11:59No, he's not.
12:00He's using an ice cream sandwich as a remote control.
12:11Oh, my God.
12:13He's got the hymers.
12:27Too easy.
12:47Hey, Dan.
12:48Hey.
12:49How you doing?
12:50I'm okay, but I think you need to get your refund on this subscription, though.
12:55They printed the whole magazine upside down.
12:58Hold on.
12:58I think I have an extra copy.
12:59Oh.
13:03Thank you, son.
13:05Mind if I have a beer with you?
13:06Not at all.
13:06Please join me.
13:20Listen, I've been thinking.
13:21We should talk about you coming to live with me.
13:24Permanently.
13:25Oh, no, no, no.
13:26I couldn't do that, son.
13:27I mean, it's great fun living here, but I have to get back to my own place.
13:31Sorry, Dad, but it's just much safer if you're here so I can keep an eye on you.
13:34What happened?
13:35Is it the results from those tests?
13:37That doesn't mean anything.
13:40No, no.
13:41You're sharp as ever.
13:45Just to be on the safe side, I'm going to go to your apartment and bring all your stuff back
13:48here.
13:49No, no, no.
13:49You can't do that.
13:50No, I'll never give up my independence.
13:52By God, I fought in the war.
13:53Incoming!
13:54Take cover!
13:55Take cover, son!
13:56We're going to get out of here.
13:58All right, cease fire.
13:59Eddie's dead.
13:59Eddie's...
14:01Eddie's...
14:03It's okay.
14:04It's okay.
14:05It's all right.
14:06Come on.
14:06Oh, my.
14:07I'm so sorry.
14:08I get scared sometimes, son.
14:10It's okay.
14:11Why don't you sit down and let me fix you a club sandwich.
14:15With extra bacon?
14:17Sure, Dad.
14:18Extra bacon.
14:19Yeah, because, you know, I think I remember I liked it.
14:21Crispy.
14:30Oh.
14:31Hey.
14:33Sorry.
14:34I always fall asleep after a panic attack.
14:39Sucks when it happens in a supermarket or a bank.
14:44Well, I don't really know what to do now.
14:47I guess I should ask you if you want to talk about it.
14:50I can't.
14:51That's too painful.
14:52No, thank God.
14:53I packed you to go, Bucks, so I will see you in group.
14:57I guess it all started with my dad.
15:02He was an ex-Marine from Texas.
15:04Scary man.
15:06There was a seventh grade dance, and I don't want to go because I was kind of awkward back
15:10then.
15:11You?
15:11No.
15:13No.
15:13And my dad said that I had to go to the dance and meet girls.
15:16So I hid under the bed, and he pulled me out by my tie and dragged me by my neck
15:21all
15:21the way to the dance.
15:23Oh, my God.
15:24That's awful.
15:25It's like some sort of reverse footloose.
15:28To this day, I can't wear a tie.
15:32I feel like I'm choking.
15:33No, no, no, no.
15:35Don't do that.
15:36We've done that already.
15:36Just tell me what I can do to make it better.
15:42A hug would help?
15:43Yeah, so just let me know if you think of anything.
15:48I'd like a hug, Patrick.
15:50I'm sorry.
15:51I don't do comfort.
15:53It's my issue.
15:55I've just never been really good around other people's pain.
15:57I'm working on it, though.
15:59Okay, I understand.
16:00I think I can drive home now.
16:02Great.
16:03So, feel better.
16:06Thanks.
16:07No one has ever listened to me without being paid before.
16:13Okey-dokey.
16:16Okay, that's enough.
16:18Stay with it.
16:19You're doing great.
16:20Ride it out, big guy.
16:23You brought this on yourself, Noah.
16:28Didn't your father have a whole collection of watches?
16:30I can't find them anywhere.
16:32Check the microwave?
16:34Like there's room in there with all the socks.
16:38Hello?
16:40We know you're in there, Martin.
16:41We can hear you.
16:43Get your ass out here, you coward!
16:46Oh, don't stiff the Girl Scouts for cookies in this neighborhood.
16:5245 years ago.
16:57You must be the girls from Troop 1.
16:59Who the hell are you?
17:01It's obviously his son.
17:02Look at him.
17:03He's got Martin's face.
17:05Maybe that's why I want to punch it.
17:08And to what do I owe this pleasure?
17:09We need to see your father.
17:11Martin!
17:12Get out here!
17:13Oh, slow down.
17:14What is going on?
17:16This young man's father was having a relationship with me.
17:19While we were waltzing in the sheets down the hall.
17:23Hold on, hold on.
17:24Are you telling me that my dad, Martin, the patron saint of monogamy, was cheating with two women?
17:30Oh, my gosh.
17:31You make total sense now, Charlie.
17:32Cheating is genetic.
17:35He's been avoiding us ever since we found out about each other.
17:38We confronted him, and he ran.
17:40You would have caught him, but he went up some stairs.
17:44So you were the ones that were calling all the time.
17:47He's such a liar.
17:48He actually told us he couldn't be responsible for his actions, because he had Alzheimer's.
17:54Wow.
17:56How stupid would someone have to be to believe a load of crap like that?
17:59He's your dad, Charlie.
18:01You wanted to believe him.
18:03I want to confront him, but it might be too late.
18:06I hear he's getting pushed out his son's window later this afternoon.
18:15Hey, then.
18:46How was your day?
18:48That's the sailboat.
18:53That's the rowboat.
18:56Sorry.
19:00Listen, I got some bad news, and I know this is going to be hard to hear.
19:04The results from your blood work came back, and they found some kind of a rare bone disease.
19:09What?
19:10I know.
19:11I know.
19:11I couldn't believe it either.
19:12But there is something they can do.
19:14It's a marrow procedure that's extremely painful and takes a very, very, very long time.
19:23Oh, my God.
19:25But here's the good news.
19:26There is one day a week where you're not strapped down to the machine.
19:30But you spend most of that day in the bathroom.
19:34Well, you found out about Elaine and Barbara, huh?
19:37You found out about the teddy cam.
19:39I saw it in the SkyMall magazine.
19:42Anyone who's ever gotten on a plane without any reading material could have figured that one out.
19:47I got to tell you, what you did was disgusting.
19:50Oh, come on.
19:51Barb's not that bad.
19:52And Elaine's got direct TV.
19:54I'm talking about faking Alzheimer's.
19:56Why don't you just tell me you needed a place to hide out?
19:58Oh, Charlie, I've always ridden you so hard for being a womanizer.
20:01I didn't want to give you the impression that I was, you know, a...
20:05Hypocrite?
20:06Hey, just because you say one thing and do another doesn't make you a hypocrite.
20:10Can we continue this conversation upstairs near a window?
20:13Look, I never meant for this to happen.
20:15Believe me, I had real feelings for both of them, and I just couldn't choose.
20:19See, Barbara's a diabetic, and Elaine's got melanoma, so I was kind of hoping God would choose for me.
20:26Well, he didn't.
20:27So now you've got to go back there and deal with them.
20:29Oh, no.
20:30After what I've done, they're both so angry, I just don't know if I can handle it.
20:34You want to do it alone?
20:35Luckily, your son is an anger management therapist.
20:37I'll even mediate.
20:38You'd really do that for me?
20:40I remember a dad who was always there when his kid got in a jam.
20:44Mr. Kellerman down the street.
20:45Yeah, I'm going to do this for him.
20:50Oh, Charlie, they're going to kill me.
20:54Yeah, don't worry.
20:56Sure, they're going to want to yell at you and humiliate you and maybe even throw some stuff.
20:59But none of that will happen as long as I'm here.
21:10Oh, no.
21:11Barb, Elaine, it's all yours.
21:16Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
21:17It's good.
21:18No, no, no.
21:20Ha, ha, ha!
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