Mike Epps reflects on his career success and personal struggles, touching on financial issues, relationships, and his signature comedic takes on life in the streets.
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FunTranscript
00:00:14Ladies and gentlemen, live from Gila Resorts and Casino
00:00:19at Wild Horse Pass, put your hands together for my head!
00:00:44What's up, Phoenix?
00:00:50Yeah!
00:00:52That's what I'm talking about, Phoenix, Arizona!
00:01:00Phoenix, the home of the Witness Protection Program!
00:01:06See all these guys walking around the grocery store with wigs and glasses on?
00:01:11Where are you originally from?
00:01:16You tell anybody you move into Phoenix, you're like, oh shit, red flag.
00:01:23Yeah, man, we're in Phoenix, Arizona, man, home of the, yeah!
00:01:33Yeah, home of the Mexicans!
00:01:38Because that's really what this is, a part of Mexico right here, you know what I mean?
00:01:43And the Mexicans are taking over, I'm telling you, they're taking over right now.
00:01:48I went to a Jamaican restaurant the other day, man, something told me, look in the back.
00:01:56I said, oh, hell no.
00:01:59It was two Mexicans back there making the Jamaican food.
00:02:04I said, bump, bump, bump!
00:02:07Let's try to the Mexicans back there, Jamaican food.
00:02:13He back there to my one love.
00:02:17Let's stay together and be at one.
00:02:23I had a jerk burrito that night, man.
00:02:25I went on, I went on and supported him, you know what I mean?
00:02:32Yeah, artificial intelligence is coming.
00:02:36But that's who they're not going to be able to replace, a Mexican.
00:02:41You're going to come back looking for the robot.
00:02:43He's not here right now, papi.
00:02:46We got him in the back back there.
00:02:48We put hydraulics on him right now.
00:02:52He's not talking right now, and I ain't doing the work again.
00:03:00Where are the big girls at?
00:03:01I know they in here.
00:03:06Yeah, shit.
00:03:07Because that's what I think about the big girls, man.
00:03:09You know, some guys, they like a woman.
00:03:10I got a friend, man.
00:03:12All his women, he want them.
00:03:13They got to be at least 260.
00:03:16I mean, you got to be two something if you want me to do something.
00:03:27Don't worry about it if you're ugly.
00:03:28As long as you're clean, I'll fuck you.
00:03:35Skinny girl's underarms stink.
00:03:37I don't know what it is.
00:03:39Your PHB is off.
00:03:44It smells like a little cute onion.
00:03:52And, man, we don't wipe our ass well.
00:03:54We need to wipe better.
00:03:57You walk around here, your ass is itching,
00:03:59and you're half white.
00:04:02You smell cologne and doo-doo at the restaurant.
00:04:05You looking under your shoe?
00:04:06No.
00:04:07He didn't wipe his ass well.
00:04:12Because, fellas, how many times you done wiped your ass
00:04:14and didn't see nothing and was like,
00:04:16oh, ain't nothing there.
00:04:18Yes, it is, sir.
00:04:23And it's going to remind you later on
00:04:26with an itch and a sting.
00:04:28Oh, Lord.
00:04:30Man, you're in the bathroom at the gas station
00:04:32just rubbing your ass for 30 minutes.
00:04:35There's toilet paper shreds everywhere.
00:04:37Oh, God.
00:04:43There's a lot of beautiful ladies in here.
00:04:45Ladies, never let a man fuck you with his shoes on.
00:04:48That mean his feet stink.
00:04:50You didn't let a funky foot fucker fuck you.
00:04:57And, fellas, if you ever meet a woman
00:04:59that got a mustache,
00:05:01don't be afraid.
00:05:04That coochie's wet.
00:05:17Oh, Donald Trump got out of jail
00:05:20faster than I ever seen somebody get out.
00:05:23Have you ever got out of jail that fucking fast?
00:05:27Oh, hell no, man.
00:05:29He walked right in, took a picture,
00:05:31said, and walked out.
00:05:33What kind of shit is that?
00:05:34He got back on the jet and flew out.
00:05:40And I think that little hair piece on his head
00:05:43got a button that snapped right there in the front.
00:05:46It's a button up there, like a hat, that snapped.
00:05:50That's why the wind can hit it.
00:05:52It don't go nowhere.
00:05:53It just do that.
00:05:57And some of you ladies laughing.
00:05:59Y'all got that same wig on right now.
00:06:02Yeah, let's run it.
00:06:03Let's run it.
00:06:05You might as well put a Mitchell and that sign
00:06:07on the inside of that.
00:06:10Because y'all putting these wigs on like baseball caps.
00:06:15And then try to take the makeup
00:06:17and powder down the electrical tape.
00:06:21That's electrical tape right there that's holding it.
00:06:25You be at the restaurant with the girls,
00:06:27see a little piece of tape, put it,
00:06:28hey, baby, don't do that.
00:06:29Don't touch it.
00:06:30Don't do that.
00:06:32Don't fuck to do that.
00:06:43Yeah, I'm telling you, man, shit.
00:06:45I tried to go to the military.
00:06:47I ain't gonna lie, man.
00:06:47Any military people in here?
00:06:49Attention!
00:06:56That's my yelling your motherfucking face like that, man.
00:06:59Get the fuck out of my face.
00:07:02Don't die, dude!
00:07:05I'm like, man, I'm out of here.
00:07:07I quit.
00:07:07I don't want to do this.
00:07:09Get the fuck out of my face.
00:07:13I tried to go to the military, man.
00:07:15I took the test and flunked.
00:07:19They call it an ASVAB.
00:07:22Man, that recruiter picked me up
00:07:23and took me out to dinner.
00:07:25I went to Ponderosa.
00:07:26I had that big potato with that steak.
00:07:30What?
00:07:32Man, I took the test and flunked the test, man.
00:07:35I couldn't get his ass back on that phone.
00:07:38I knew something wasn't right.
00:07:40But I had already lied and told everybody I was going to the military.
00:07:44I'm like, look, I got the brochures.
00:07:46I wish I had some brochures.
00:07:48I leave, I think, next Wednesday.
00:07:57Man, that recruiter called me and told me I wasn't going.
00:08:03My other two friends, they went.
00:08:05I was sad in the hell.
00:08:07They was like, Mike, man, we love you, bro.
00:08:10I said, damn, man.
00:08:12I was sad.
00:08:13I had already told everybody I was leaving.
00:08:15I said, I got to get out of here.
00:08:16I got to do something.
00:08:18So I went to prison.
00:08:19I said, I'm going to disappear for a couple of years and come back.
00:08:30Because guys who go to prison, they not fair to young guys.
00:08:34Because they make the young kids want to go see what's in there.
00:08:37Because they be bragging on it.
00:08:39It sounds so good.
00:08:40They be like, yeah, you know.
00:08:41And then I did two years up there.
00:08:43Dang, dang, you know what I mean?
00:08:45Then I did another five, you know what I mean?
00:08:47That's when I went and got swallowed up a bit.
00:08:51The kid's like, I want to go.
00:08:57You're not telling these young guys you might get fucked in there.
00:09:08And on the street, you know, in the hood, they call them ops.
00:09:11You know what I'm saying?
00:09:12That's your ops.
00:09:13I'm like, what the fuck is that?
00:09:15Yeah, your opposition.
00:09:17Oh, I'm like, okay, I don't know.
00:09:19Yeah, OG, that's an op right there.
00:09:21Here they go, my op, watch out.
00:09:22I'm like, what's an op?
00:09:24Is that a cop without the C on it?
00:09:29Then they got little dudes, they call them hitters.
00:09:31These are the little dudes that shooting motherfuckers.
00:09:35Shooters.
00:09:35They go to the little shooter.
00:09:37And they be describing this motherfucking dude that's shooting everybody.
00:09:40He be the size of that pole.
00:09:42I be like, that is the shooter?
00:09:46He's a little bitch.
00:09:48He built like Pink Panther.
00:09:50Pants tight.
00:09:53Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.
00:10:11He's been in there his whole life.
00:10:13He's gonna overpower you, little shooter.
00:10:18Yeah, he's gonna get you in the weight room and work you out real tough.
00:10:23Get you real tired.
00:10:26Next morning, he's gonna come in there.
00:10:28You're gonna try to fight him off and can't fight back.
00:10:31He's gonna say, turn on around, little shooter.
00:10:35Put that magazine on your back.
00:10:46Spank your little buns, nigga.
00:10:53I've been acting like I don't like white people for 40 years.
00:10:59I only do it in front of black people.
00:11:05When black people ain't around, I am white.
00:11:12You can call me a fake-ass nigga or whatever you want to call me,
00:11:15but I'm telling you what I'm doing when y'all ain't around here.
00:11:20Black people put pressure on you to be racist.
00:11:31I wasn't even racist all this time.
00:11:36It was black people saying,
00:11:38you alright?
00:11:41I'm like, yeah.
00:11:46Shit.
00:11:50Black people need two voices in this fucking world.
00:11:54Yeah, you need two voices.
00:11:57Yeah.
00:11:58How the fuck you think you're gonna navigate around here
00:12:00with that one little,
00:12:01well, God, what's happening, Blair?
00:12:04That motherfucker ain't gonna get you nowhere.
00:12:08So you gotta have a white voice.
00:12:10Now, white people don't need two voices.
00:12:12They don't need a black voice for shit.
00:12:17I don't see where it benefits them
00:12:19no fucking where
00:12:21to be acting like us.
00:12:24Leave it alone, white people.
00:12:25Just let it go.
00:12:28But black people,
00:12:29we need a motherfucking white voice.
00:12:30Yeah, your mama had two voices.
00:12:34You know your mama be on the phone with the light company?
00:12:36Yes.
00:12:36I'm gonna call about a
00:12:39$63 bill
00:12:40that was spent,
00:12:41I think,
00:12:42hope for one second, ma'am.
00:12:44Hope for one second, ma'am.
00:12:44Hope for one second, ma'am.
00:12:44Get the fuck off that door!
00:12:47She like, damn, who was that?
00:12:48That was two people.
00:12:59Because, see, I trust white people in some areas,
00:13:02you know.
00:13:04Some areas that I can trust white people in.
00:13:07I don't trust white people with God.
00:13:09No.
00:13:11I won't let them tell me nothing about God.
00:13:16It ain't right.
00:13:17It just seems like they don't know him.
00:13:19It's like they...
00:13:20They be telling you,
00:13:22you be like,
00:13:22you don't know him, man.
00:13:23Just stop, all right?
00:13:25See, the Lord understands you, Michael.
00:13:28I'm like, no, that ain't...
00:13:30You don't know who you're talking about.
00:13:34Black people know God, man.
00:13:38We've been through so much,
00:13:40we know God,
00:13:41and we always begging him for something.
00:13:43So, you know,
00:13:45we didn't force the relationship on this man.
00:13:52Your grandmama been bugging him since 1802.
00:13:57She didn't pray to him 400 times a day.
00:14:01You know, God got a prayer line,
00:14:03and when he hit and see the black people,
00:14:05he said, oh, Lord, here we go.
00:14:06We got to...
00:14:07Let me see what he gonna want now.
00:14:15Because God don't ever get a day off.
00:14:18When does God get to take a day off
00:14:20and don't answer no prayers,
00:14:21ain't got to watch over nobody,
00:14:23ain't got to judge nothing,
00:14:24and go lay on one of them nice beaches he made?
00:14:28With a bad bitch he made.
00:14:35I'm sorry, God.
00:14:37I didn't mean to put that last part in there.
00:14:40I thought I'd get a whole license suspended.
00:14:44Oh, sir.
00:14:48Now, for real,
00:14:49what if you called God to pray on him
00:14:51and his brother answered the phone?
00:14:54God ain't in.
00:14:55This is brother, what's happening?
00:14:58He ain't in right now.
00:14:59I'm doing all his answering and stuff.
00:15:02He told me to tell y'all
00:15:03he ain't doing nothing but medical stuff.
00:15:07Don't call here,
00:15:08trying to get no rims out the shop
00:15:10or none of that shit like this
00:15:11because it ain't happening.
00:15:16Anything you doing illegal,
00:15:18keep doing it.
00:15:20If you're doing anything illegal for money,
00:15:22keep doing it.
00:15:24This country is illegal.
00:15:27You're here, over here, illegally.
00:15:31They stole you from somewhere and brought you over here.
00:15:35You ain't supposed to be over here.
00:15:39Yeah, fuck that.
00:15:40Get your money, man.
00:15:43This whole country is built,
00:15:44criminals built it.
00:15:47It's built off crime.
00:15:49And they make you walk around
00:15:51and feel sad if you get caught doing anything.
00:15:53It's like, get the fuck out of here.
00:15:58Me and you are wrong.
00:16:01I just got caught.
00:16:05Now, you ain't wrong unless they catch you.
00:16:08Then you ain't wrong then,
00:16:09unless you feel bad.
00:16:13Fuck that.
00:16:15And don't worry about God.
00:16:17He knows your crooked Christian ass.
00:16:20He know you ain't shit.
00:16:22He made you, man.
00:16:26So keep fucking up.
00:16:30You want to live a long time,
00:16:32keep fucking up and keep giving,
00:16:34yeah, give God a chance
00:16:35to keep working with you.
00:16:38Yeah, keep working with me, God.
00:16:39You see I ain't got it right yet.
00:16:42Look up, you'll be 75.
00:16:44Look, God.
00:16:46Still trying to work it out with you, baby.
00:16:53Because if you get your life,
00:16:54yeah, if you get your life right
00:16:55and start, yeah,
00:16:57and get everything right
00:16:58and learn all your scriptures
00:16:59and become this good old person,
00:17:05he might call you home.
00:17:08Make you an angel.
00:17:10You were too good for this earth.
00:17:16So if you want to stay on this fucked up earth,
00:17:19stay fucked up.
00:17:22Now, that's the people looking at me like
00:17:24that was the worst advice I ever got
00:17:27ever in life.
00:17:31Because I swear, I seen Bobby Brown,
00:17:33I mean T.D. Jakes the other day.
00:17:37Y'all know damn well
00:17:39what they looking like right now,
00:17:40Bobby Brown and T.D. Jakes.
00:17:46And T.D. Jakes, man,
00:17:48he's all about God, man.
00:17:50He'd be up there, man,
00:17:51look like he got wheels on his shoes.
00:17:53Because this is a champion
00:17:54champion.
00:18:01I said, damn,
00:18:02this nigga's a robot.
00:18:08That's my man, T.D. Jakes, man.
00:18:10I went to his house and everything, man.
00:18:12I pulled up at his house, man.
00:18:13His house look like heaven, man.
00:18:14He got it sitting on a hill, man,
00:18:16and the gates open up slow.
00:18:18Like, I'm nightlyin'.
00:18:19I'm like, oh, God,
00:18:20this look like heaven.
00:18:21Got the smoke coming out.
00:18:27And we pulled in there, man.
00:18:28I said, it's T.D. Jakes' house, man.
00:18:31And I started lookin', and my buddy T.C.
00:18:34say, you see that dude over there
00:18:36with that machine gun?
00:18:39Man, he had security at his house
00:18:41with machine guns.
00:18:43I said, damn, where's the faith?
00:18:53I said, I guess God
00:18:54don't work around here
00:18:55all the time.
00:18:58I guess he didn't call them one time
00:19:00and he didn't show up.
00:19:02He's like, okay,
00:19:03I got something for these niggas.
00:19:04I'm gonna get some security up here
00:19:05because God ain't answerin' me this time.
00:19:11It's a lot of, uh,
00:19:15black, beautiful bullies.
00:19:17I mean, black, beautiful,
00:19:18black women in here tonight.
00:19:22Yes, black women are bullies.
00:19:24Y'all know y'all bullies.
00:19:26Every woman in here
00:19:27that's black is a bully.
00:19:31Black women been bullied
00:19:33since the beginning of time.
00:19:36Harriet Tubman was a bully.
00:19:40She made them black dudes
00:19:41run under that rail.
00:19:43Get your ass under that railroad.
00:19:52Coretta Scott King, a bully.
00:19:55Yeah, Coretta Scott King, a bully.
00:19:57She made Martin Luther King run
00:19:58and marched in them hot-ass suits.
00:20:04Jada Pickett, a bully.
00:20:06Come on, y'all, let's go.
00:20:07Jada Pickett, yeah.
00:20:09Y'all was quiet, wasn't you?
00:20:11You thought I was doin'
00:20:12some Kevin Samuel shit, didn't you?
00:20:15Jada Pickett, a bully.
00:20:18She made that man smack that man.
00:20:22She made that man smack that man.
00:20:25Made that man smack that bitch.
00:20:27Made that man smack that bitch.
00:20:35He was playin' until she looked at him.
00:20:40And he walked his ass
00:20:41right back up there.
00:20:43She looked at him like,
00:20:45old girl looked at Baby D
00:20:46with that brick and say,
00:20:47you know what time it is.
00:20:52He slapped the shit out of Chris Rock.
00:20:58Everybody kept asking me,
00:20:59well, what would you have did?
00:21:00Fell out on the ground
00:21:02and had a Caesar.
00:21:04All that money he got.
00:21:06Got to shakin' and...
00:21:11Sued the dog shit out of the big Willie.
00:21:19I'd have been on people's court
00:21:20with his ass.
00:21:22Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't.
00:21:26Don't, don't, don't.
00:21:28The plaintiff, Will Smith.
00:21:34I'd have said,
00:21:35Your Honor,
00:21:35I want to be in three of his movies with him.
00:21:44I want to be in Bad Boys 9
00:21:46with him and Martin.
00:21:54I want to play Jeffrey
00:21:55on the new, new press prints.
00:21:59Oh, well, uh...
00:22:06How many men are getting beat in here
00:22:07by that woman?
00:22:08How many men are getting
00:22:10elbowed and slapped and kicked
00:22:12and kneed in the back?
00:22:14How many guys are getting beat?
00:22:16Come on, guys.
00:22:19Raise your hand.
00:22:20Now's your time.
00:22:21You have support in here.
00:22:23Look at him right there.
00:22:24There's another one.
00:22:26You need to be beat, dude.
00:22:27I can tell you're an asshole.
00:22:35Women that beat men
00:22:36got a look on they face, too.
00:22:39They're like, yeah.
00:22:45Well, look at that man-beater right there.
00:22:51Yeah, look at him, girl.
00:22:53I'm going to beat his ass.
00:22:56I'm going to get in a relationship
00:22:58with him first.
00:23:05And guys that get beat
00:23:07are usually unemployed.
00:23:14That's why you're letting some woman
00:23:16slap you upside your fucking head.
00:23:18because you don't have no money
00:23:19because you don't have no money
00:23:20to defend yourself.
00:23:26Men that's getting beat,
00:23:27you can see him at Walmart all day.
00:23:30She paying for the shit,
00:23:32go get the peanut butter.
00:23:38Is this it?
00:23:43Like, he is a lame-ass
00:23:45little fucking...
00:23:47I can't wait to get rid of him.
00:23:51Fucking shopper.
00:23:55Fucking helper, man.
00:23:57Yeah, because if you're fucking a woman
00:23:59and you're living off of her
00:24:00and you ain't paying no bills,
00:24:01you are an assistant now.
00:24:03And she's going to treat you like that.
00:24:07She's going to talk to you
00:24:07just like you're in front of her friends.
00:24:09Come here.
00:24:12Did you go get that bag
00:24:13like I asked you to an hour ago?
00:24:16You're like, whoa.
00:24:18Whoa.
00:24:20Watch your tone.
00:24:22Whoa.
00:24:22Whoa.
00:24:23But he's still going to get the bag.
00:24:25Relax.
00:24:29She's like,
00:24:29you better go get that
00:24:30motherfucking bag.
00:24:36It's really fucked up
00:24:38when her kids start talking to you like that.
00:24:40Come here.
00:24:44Did you do what my mother
00:24:45fucking asked you to do?
00:24:49You better shut up,
00:24:51little nigga.
00:24:56She come right in the room.
00:24:58You call my baby a bitch, Tony.
00:25:07If you live with a woman
00:25:08and you ain't paying bills,
00:25:10you know what I'm saying,
00:25:11stay out of her face.
00:25:14Because you're a reflection
00:25:15of an unpaid bill.
00:25:19Every time she see you,
00:25:24spectrum,
00:25:25something pops up
00:25:26in her fucking eyes.
00:25:34And fellas,
00:25:35if you're an alcoholic,
00:25:36your wife need to take your check
00:25:40and manage it.
00:25:41Am I right?
00:25:42Take his fucking check.
00:25:45Yeah.
00:25:48You come home Friday,
00:25:49feeling good,
00:25:50you got paid,
00:25:52give it up.
00:25:53You're like,
00:25:53damn.
00:25:59She treats you like
00:26:00you're in a work release center.
00:26:02And give you a 15%
00:26:04so you can go get
00:26:05your little cosmetics,
00:26:07your cigarettes,
00:26:08whatever you want to get.
00:26:10But I'm going to keep
00:26:11a big portion of this
00:26:13for you.
00:26:15Ha, ha, ha.
00:26:16Ha, ha, ha.
00:26:20When he get drunk,
00:26:22that's when he talk shit again.
00:26:24That's my motherfucking money.
00:26:30You got to lower
00:26:31your fucking voice.
00:26:33I don't have to lower shit.
00:26:41When he's sober,
00:26:42he a whole different person.
00:26:43See, I'm going to tell you,
00:26:44see, Dallas Cowboys
00:26:45is a whole nother team.
00:26:47See,
00:26:48that's the drunk nigga
00:26:49that was in there
00:26:50talking shit.
00:26:56I know you guys
00:26:57see me in the movies,
00:26:59but the money's gone.
00:27:05What do I mean?
00:27:08That's why the fuck
00:27:09I'm here in Phoenix
00:27:10this weekend.
00:27:11What the fuck
00:27:11you mean, I mean?
00:27:14Y'all know damn well
00:27:16I don't come here.
00:27:27That's what I'm talking about.
00:27:29That's what I'm talking about,
00:27:30Phoenix.
00:27:32Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:27:34Most of the movies
00:27:34you see me in,
00:27:35I was on coke in them.
00:27:36You know,
00:27:37I'll be honest with you.
00:27:38I don't know if you knew that
00:27:39or if you did
00:27:40or if you didn't.
00:27:41You knew that?
00:27:42Okay, all right, yeah.
00:27:45Yeah.
00:27:47All about the Benjamin shit.
00:27:51I was on coke, yeah.
00:27:52Go look at it again.
00:27:55She talking about,
00:27:56oh, yeah.
00:27:58When I found that ticket
00:28:00and I was doing like this,
00:28:06I had been up for three days
00:28:10tooting and pooting
00:28:11and scooting and tooting.
00:28:18Cocaine is one drug
00:28:19you can't have sex on.
00:28:22Yeah, you be sitting there
00:28:23snorting,
00:28:24looking at the girl
00:28:24like you infinite titted ass.
00:28:27Your dick be like,
00:28:28no, you're not.
00:28:37Have you ever had
00:28:38to stuff your dick
00:28:39in somebody
00:28:40because it didn't get big?
00:28:42It took that motherfucker
00:28:43and stuffed it.
00:28:48She just coughed
00:28:50and it popped out.
00:28:53Girl, get a cough drop
00:28:54and get the fuck
00:28:55out of here right now.
00:29:11When I be doing coke,
00:29:12when I used to do coke,
00:29:13I'm telling you, man,
00:29:14it was crazy.
00:29:21When there's two lines left,
00:29:22that's when you get sad.
00:29:24You be like,
00:29:25oh, God.
00:29:27I need to get my life together.
00:29:31Because you know
00:29:32it's about to be over.
00:29:36That's why I tell kids,
00:29:37don't do cocaine
00:29:38because it's too powerful.
00:29:40You know what I mean?
00:29:41You got to be a strong-minded
00:29:42motherfucker
00:29:43to do something
00:29:43other than weed.
00:29:46You know what I mean?
00:29:47Anything outside of weed,
00:29:48you fucking with the devil.
00:29:51Yeah.
00:29:52I'm telling you
00:29:53because I done been
00:29:53in the middle of a prayer
00:29:54with God.
00:29:56I'm talking to God.
00:29:59And the phone rang.
00:30:03And it was the drug dealer.
00:30:11I said,
00:30:12God, you know my heart.
00:30:15But I've been waiting
00:30:16on this nigga
00:30:16to call me all day.
00:30:19I got to get this call.
00:30:23Where you at?
00:30:24I'm in the lobby.
00:30:27You see me walking
00:30:28through the lobby
00:30:29with some sunglasses
00:30:29and a robe on like this.
00:30:44Yeah, man.
00:30:46From all the crazy shit
00:30:47that I did,
00:30:48I made some beautiful kids.
00:30:49You know what I mean?
00:30:50You know,
00:30:50I made some beautiful kids.
00:30:55But I've been paying
00:30:56child support
00:30:57since I was 17 years old.
00:31:00That's a life sentence,
00:31:02ain't it, man?
00:31:03I didn't even know
00:31:04I was going to be born
00:31:05into some shit like that.
00:31:08That's like living
00:31:09in a system.
00:31:1017 years old?
00:31:12Man.
00:31:14And I ain't never
00:31:15missed a payment either.
00:31:17And I'm 52 years old.
00:31:20Never missed a payment.
00:31:21You know why?
00:31:22Because I didn't want
00:31:23to be that guy
00:31:23up in prison.
00:31:24Everybody talking
00:31:25about what they in there for.
00:31:27Yeah, child support.
00:31:28My nigga,
00:31:29you know what I mean?
00:31:31Six kids.
00:31:32No child support.
00:31:38Sending gangster pictures
00:31:39home and shit.
00:31:45To all my neglected kids
00:31:47out there.
00:31:56Yeah.
00:31:57If I knew
00:31:57I was going to be
00:31:58this successful,
00:31:58I wouldn't have
00:31:59spread my dick so thin.
00:32:05I gave it to people
00:32:06who didn't deserve it.
00:32:19Yeah, it's crazy, man.
00:32:21And I ain't gonna lie, man,
00:32:22you know,
00:32:23I go to therapy,
00:32:24I go, you know,
00:32:26I got a therapist
00:32:27and I got a psychiatrist.
00:32:30I need somebody else
00:32:31to talk to, too.
00:32:35Because that ain't enough.
00:32:39You know?
00:32:40And you go to therapy
00:32:41and you're sitting there
00:32:42talking to some,
00:32:43it's always some woman,
00:32:44you know,
00:32:44a white lady
00:32:45or somebody sitting there
00:32:46and you're sitting there
00:32:47telling her some shit
00:32:48that you know
00:32:48you can't tell
00:32:49a nigga in the street.
00:32:52You know what I mean?
00:32:55You tell the lady
00:32:56at the therapist,
00:32:57don't you tell nobody
00:32:58this shit?
00:33:00She's like,
00:33:01no, this stays
00:33:01between me and you.
00:33:03Because you think
00:33:03she's gonna ride
00:33:04in the hood and say,
00:33:05hey, guys,
00:33:06what's up?
00:33:07This is Karen,
00:33:08Mike's therapist.
00:33:11He told me a girl
00:33:12put a finger in his ass.
00:33:14Bip, bip, riiiit!
00:33:26That's what you'd be scared of.
00:33:30My therapist straight up
00:33:31asked me one time,
00:33:32man,
00:33:33what is it do you like
00:33:35about Coke?
00:33:39I said,
00:33:40I love the smell of it.
00:33:49That's why I kept doing it.
00:33:59I told her,
00:33:59I said,
00:34:00I got friends
00:34:00that have been doing
00:34:01this shit for 20 years
00:34:02and they not hooked
00:34:03on it yet.
00:34:08She said,
00:34:08oh, yeah,
00:34:09did you hear
00:34:09what the fuck
00:34:10you just said
00:34:10to me, Mike?
00:34:19Yeah,
00:34:19it's really crazy,
00:34:20man,
00:34:20because,
00:34:21you know,
00:34:22you know,
00:34:23the older you get,
00:34:24the more you realize
00:34:26it's okay to live
00:34:27with yourself
00:34:27no matter who
00:34:28the fuck you are,
00:34:29you know what I mean?
00:34:33it's only when you're young
00:34:35is when you care.
00:34:38But when you get older,
00:34:39you don't give a fuck
00:34:40what nobody know about you
00:34:41or seen about you
00:34:43or nothing.
00:34:44You know how I'll fuck you.
00:34:46You're gonna die soon, too.
00:34:52Who gives a fuck, right?
00:34:55Yeah.
00:34:57If you're out here
00:34:57and you're with a woman
00:34:58that you love, man,
00:35:00don't get caught cheating.
00:35:10That is the worst feeling
00:35:11in the motherfucking world.
00:35:14You know what I mean?
00:35:15And don't get caught cheating
00:35:17with an ugly bitch, either.
00:35:20That's brutal number one.
00:35:26You done got caught
00:35:27with a sleeve stack
00:35:30from the land of the lost.
00:35:36I'm the worst cheater ever.
00:35:39I mean,
00:35:40and to get caught cheating
00:35:41while you sleep
00:35:42is the worst time
00:35:42to get caught cheating.
00:35:45I mean,
00:35:46you are in a coma, nigga.
00:35:48You done smoked
00:35:49three blunts
00:35:49just sitting there.
00:35:52Who is this?
00:35:57Boom, boom, boom, boom.
00:36:01Boom, boom, boom, boom.
00:36:05It feel like you in a movie, nigga.
00:36:06You like, oh, God.
00:36:09Who is this?
00:36:13I don't know.
00:36:14Who is this?
00:36:24Call the bitch.
00:36:28Huh?
00:36:29Call the bitch.
00:36:57You like, you hope this bitch is dead.
00:36:59Please don't answer this phone.
00:37:01Please let a bridge be them fella on this hoe's head.
00:37:06Be dead, hoe, please.
00:37:09When she answer that phone, you gotta cuss that bitch out.
00:37:13Hello? Don't you ever call this fucking house again!
00:37:16You fucking up a good family, you know what you're doing!
00:37:30Now, if a woman stay with you after she catch you cheating,
00:37:35that means she loves you.
00:37:40But she's gonna torture your ass.
00:37:44Let the games begin.
00:37:50Let the motherfucking games begin.
00:37:54They gonna start right off by taking their fucking ring off.
00:37:58That one hurt right there.
00:38:00You're like, where's the ring?
00:38:02She's like, ah, I'm giving my hand a break for a while.
00:38:07Needs to breathe.
00:38:14Then they go get a new hairstyle.
00:38:16You're like, oh, God.
00:38:18Does the new guy like this look on you?
00:38:24Now you think it's fucking your head up.
00:38:27You're trying to imagine who the fuck she gonna be with after you.
00:38:31That fucks your head up.
00:38:34You're trying to imagine them and picture them.
00:38:36You're just out in the world and just looking at dudes like,
00:38:41Is that the kind of motherfucker she'll like right there?
00:38:46All kind of crazy shit go through your fucking head.
00:38:51Then you start trying to scare.
00:38:55I'm gonna let you know it's rough out there in that world.
00:39:05You never know who the fuck is out there that you're meeting.
00:39:11They could be crazy, fucked up, mentally deranged.
00:39:17She'd be like, yeah, just like you.
00:39:19Bye, I'm gonna go.
00:39:23Yeah.
00:39:25And they don't let you forget.
00:39:26They just keep reminding your motherfucking ass.
00:39:29That's the fucked up thing about it.
00:39:30They don't stop.
00:39:31They just keep reminding you.
00:39:33It'd be three months later after that shit was over.
00:39:36They come in the motherfucking room.
00:39:38This is the picture of the bitch without the filter.
00:39:43This is who you was with, nigga.
00:39:48You thought you was doing something, didn't you?
00:39:54You're like, where the fuck did that come from?
00:40:01Six months later,
00:40:04it was the eyelashes and the dead eye for me, man.
00:40:08That's what really did it and hurt my feelings.
00:40:11It was her eyelashes and that dead eye that hurt my feelings.
00:40:23She listening to Kelly Price and all kind of shit.
00:40:30Ten years later.
00:40:33Hey, babe, let's go get something to eat.
00:40:36Go ask Left Eye, motherfucker.
00:40:40Do she want something to eat?
00:40:49That's right, fellas.
00:40:50When you're in a relationship,
00:40:51you got to keep on reminding your girl
00:40:53how sexy she is and how beautiful she is.
00:40:56You know what I mean?
00:40:57And that's how you got to address her all the time.
00:40:59No matter what you say.
00:41:01Good morning, sexy.
00:41:03Have a great day, sexy.
00:41:06How's your beautiful self doing today?
00:41:09You just got to keep saying it.
00:41:11Because if you don't,
00:41:11her work husband's going to tell her.
00:41:15And I'm going to kill his motherfucking ass.
00:41:20Yeah, that dude at her fucking job.
00:41:25That's why you got to pop up on your girl's job sometime.
00:41:28Yeah.
00:41:30You didn't know I was coming today, did you?
00:41:33No warning.
00:41:34Just walk up in there like that.
00:41:36Yeah.
00:41:37Where she at?
00:41:38Huh?
00:41:43Don't give nobody a chance to say,
00:41:44Cheryl, your man here.
00:41:46No.
00:41:46I'm up in here.
00:41:50You looking for that work husband.
00:41:53You know who that is?
00:41:55That's the first dude that you say to say,
00:41:57You looking for Cheryl?
00:41:58He's like, no, I'm looking for you.
00:42:00Come here.
00:42:02Yeah, let me holler at you for a minute.
00:42:03That's just who the fuck...
00:42:06Stop buying my fucking wife coffee, nigga, at Starbucks.
00:42:23She's coming home happy.
00:42:25She's supposed to be coming home from work sad and tired.
00:42:28Cussing about the fucking job.
00:42:31How was work?
00:42:32Lovely.
00:42:34Okay.
00:42:35I'm gonna kill you, him, and me.
00:42:39We are dead if you keep playing.
00:42:45We are out of here.
00:42:51Because men, we just can't take what women can take.
00:42:54You know what I mean?
00:42:54We can't take getting cheated on.
00:42:57We can't take it.
00:42:58I mean, it'll be the end of our world.
00:43:01You know?
00:43:02If you catch a woman doing some fucked up shit
00:43:04she ain't supposed to be doing,
00:43:05and you say something to her,
00:43:07and you're a cheater,
00:43:08you know what she gonna say?
00:43:09Please, nigga, all the shit you done did.
00:43:22Ladies, you can never pay a man back.
00:43:24You'd have to fuck the whole country of Africa.
00:43:30You'll just be giving away some coochie
00:43:32to somebody who don't do nothing for you.
00:43:36So don't fuck for free.
00:43:39This is what I really want to tell you, ladies.
00:43:41Don't fuck for free.
00:43:43No matter how mad you get, don't fuck for free.
00:43:55Because I live in L.A., man,
00:43:56and I was riding down a street called Figueroa.
00:43:59I don't know how I got on the street.
00:44:04Whatever, y'all.
00:44:05I don't have to explain that to y'all.
00:44:07Anyway,
00:44:10before I was judged,
00:44:13it's a main street,
00:44:15and I was riding down it.
00:44:17Y'all mind is in the gutter.
00:44:18Anyway.
00:44:19Anyway,
00:44:20ahhh.
00:44:24And the people brought you out like,
00:44:26ahhh.
00:44:27Anyway, ahhh.
00:44:31I was riding down Figueroa.
00:44:34And it's a whole straw.
00:44:36I'm talking about both sides of the street,
00:44:38butt ass naked.
00:44:39It fucked my head up.
00:44:41When I seen it,
00:44:41I could not believe it.
00:44:43I said,
00:44:44God damn!
00:44:46And the girls out there are so beautiful.
00:44:50It, it,
00:44:51I seen one girl that,
00:44:52I mean,
00:44:53she was so innocent looking, man,
00:44:54and beautiful.
00:44:55I couldn't believe it, man.
00:44:57And it hurt my heart.
00:44:59Really.
00:45:01I rolled down the window.
00:45:02I said,
00:45:03why are you out here?
00:45:07I said,
00:45:07get in the car.
00:45:10See, there y'all.
00:45:11Fuck y'all.
00:45:12I'm not telling the rest of it.
00:45:14I'm not telling the rest of the story
00:45:15because y'all is the bullshit.
00:45:18I was trying to help this girl, man.
00:45:21Fuck y'all, man.
00:45:24Anyway, ahhh.
00:45:34Man, I was being a good dude, man.
00:45:37I gave her $60.
00:45:46Why did I give it?
00:45:47Because she needed stuff.
00:45:50Oh, God.
00:45:51I don't want to tell y'all no more of my good deeds that I do.
00:46:01I've been riding down that street every day for the last two months.
00:46:06Trying to find this young lady.
00:46:10Keep her on the right track.
00:46:15She keep falling off the track.
00:46:23I've seen a friend of mine, I'm not bullshitting, I'm in Atlanta one time.
00:46:26Just some years ago.
00:46:27I'm sitting up in a strip club,
00:46:28and I see one of my partner's daughters stripping.
00:46:34It was so uncomfortable, man.
00:46:37And she seen me.
00:46:38She was like, oh, Mr. Epps.
00:46:39I said, I ain't Mr. Epps in here, baby.
00:46:42I'm a whole nother nigga.
00:46:45She said, don't tell my father.
00:46:48I said, don't you tell him that you seen me.
00:46:59I said, get over here.
00:47:13She was dancing, scared.
00:47:15She was like, it was scared.
00:47:31it's a blind serial killer in phoenix man i just seen it on the news man i know you don't
00:47:35believe
00:47:35yes it's a blind serial killer in phoenix i just seen it on the no y'all don't believe me
00:47:41because i just think y'all was in here when i seen it i was back there while y'all
00:47:45was coming in
00:47:48that's what i said when i seen it i said if you let somebody blind kill you
00:47:54that mean you let somebody feel for you
00:48:00cause how the fuck did he know you was in there
00:48:08that mean you let a nigga take a stick
00:48:12and do this
00:48:24i see my buddy's grandmother in court man i ain't boy sitting there because you know the police
00:48:28will lock you up for dui i don't care how old you is i was in jail one time and
00:48:33i seen my buddy's
00:48:34grandmother she's about 75 you know how the women be going to court i seen her thing like yeah i
00:48:39said
00:48:39hey mr reach she said oh hey baby i said what you're doing in here some bullshit
00:48:50she said i'll call you back out there
00:48:52everything's open
00:49:02i seen her about two days later i said they ain't let you out no baby some stuff came up
00:49:09on me
00:49:20you know how they do that gun turning and thing like they say come on down bring in your gun
00:49:25you
00:49:25know stop the violence come man i went down there one time man as soon as i hand them people
00:49:32that
00:49:33i said hey what the fuck was that i just sit there and watch y'all take nine guns
00:49:43it's like you just used this about 10 minutes ago nigga
00:49:54one of my buddies man rest in peace man he was in prison man his mother tried to bring him
00:50:00some jordans in prison
00:50:02so this lady about this tall with some size 15s on she walked in
00:50:10they said if you don't take them fucking shoes off
00:50:19she said i got the gout they said you going to jail if you don't take them skis off
00:50:29you know damn well them ain't your shoes
00:50:35i seen magic johnson's son tamar braxton i mean ej john
00:50:41okay y'all stop now
00:50:53i need my little asthma thing my little pump
00:50:56y'all know damn well they look alike don't fucking act like i'm sitting there picking on a motherfucker
00:51:10because the value of pussy is much higher than the value of some penis i'm telling you
00:51:15if you've seen a penis on the side of the road you'll see cars just constantly keep hitting it
00:51:21fuck that shit
00:51:26that's a little gay guy see he go oh hold up
00:51:31wait a minute
00:51:35what did i just sit
00:51:47you see a piece of pussy on the side of the road oh my god
00:51:51what if i'm gonna do a u-turn in the middle of the street
00:51:54jump out grab it
00:51:58man let me call you back i just found a piece of pussy over here in front of long john
00:52:01silvers
00:52:08the lady whose pussy is missing is walking around sad i can't believe my pussy's missing
00:52:15oh god
00:52:19putting up wanted signs and shit
00:52:22finally the guy called
00:52:23she has to go
00:52:25hello
00:52:27yeah you the lady who lost the pussy
00:52:31yes it is it's me
00:52:34i got it
00:52:34oh my god
00:52:37yep i got your pussy over here
00:52:40uh yep i'm gonna let you know i'll beat it up a little bit
00:52:50well it ain't probably it ain't gonna be in the shape you had it when you had it
00:52:59i lost that little ring that was in it that came it was a little ring at the tip of
00:53:05it that came out i don't know where it went
00:53:07i don't know if it went down in the sink or what
00:53:12i think there's an age limit on oral sex like fuck that nigga
00:53:16certain age you ain't supposed to be licking on nothing
00:53:21cause if you do you're gonna taste the medicine in it
00:53:27you're gonna lick down there and taste the metamucil
00:53:45see i love black people man cause we you know we we do shit don't nobody do man you know
00:53:51like we box up shit
00:53:55i don't give a fuck where we go
00:53:56we we taking something with us
00:54:01it'd be three wings left box all that up
00:54:05put all that shit in that box put that with the celery all that put all that in there
00:54:11the waiter be like why don't he eat this shit there's three wings left
00:54:16cause we like getting up with our underwear on in front of the microwave at three in the morning
00:54:25what you got i got the wings from early when we went to the thing
00:54:34y'all been watching the upshaws
00:54:41yeah everybody been watching it
00:54:43and i'm happy you know what i mean even the a b c d e f g h i j
00:54:48k elemental p community
00:54:54they took all the letters didn't they
00:54:59i tell black men all the time man
00:55:01if you're homophobic you're hiding something
00:55:08yeah it's always a red flag when you see some guy mad mad at gay people
00:55:15yeah you're like oh wait a minute
00:55:18that anger is stemming from somewhere
00:55:24come on out live free
00:55:27you don't have to live in pain like that
00:55:31you can fuck what nobody thinks just be who you are
00:55:36just do that shit over there
00:55:42but for real i had a friend man he was he was a drug dealer man with some gay guys
00:55:47lived across the street from him he was mean as hell to the gay dudes
00:55:51for real he would they if they just looked at him he's like what the fuck you looking at motherfucker
00:55:55i'm like wow he's just mean to him so one night he got in a shootout with somebody
00:56:01and they shot him up
00:56:04and he crawled to his front door but he fell unconscious
00:56:09and when he came to he was in the hospital
00:56:12it's a true story all his family was around
00:56:14it was like boy god is good he's like yeah man
00:56:18if it wasn't for the neighbors you wouldn't be here
00:56:20he was like what
00:56:21he's like yeah
00:56:23the two gay guys saved your life across the street
00:56:27i'm like for real i was like yes
00:56:32he said can i ask you a question he's like what he said how did they save me
00:56:42several ways they saved you
00:56:47they gave you mouth to mouth
00:56:55they said you was bleeding from the inside they had to put their finger in your ass
00:56:59to stop the bleeding
00:57:05we still don't know if it was a finger that they used
00:57:15he said i'm gonna kill them when i get out
00:57:25them two motherfuckers are dead
00:57:30i think they saved your life
00:57:34y'all give it up for dion sanders y'all dion sanders man
00:57:39i'm happy for prime time
00:57:43yeah man that's good to see a brother he came all the way from hbcu man and just
00:57:48yeah you know winning them games
00:57:51you know winning them games little wayne everybody coming out that's a beautiful celebration man
00:57:55you know man but he just ain't the same prime you know
00:57:59cuz that little half of kutakente footy guy
00:58:03he'd be out there throw the ball throw the ball
00:58:05throw the ball
00:58:06throw the ball
00:58:13he can't even do his dance right no more
00:58:25that little two toes is gone
00:58:31he gonna kill me for this
00:58:36i've been talking about all these guys being sellouts kevin hart
00:58:41will smith jamie fox
00:58:43i've been calling tom hanks all them niggas i've been calling all them
00:58:54i've been calling all of them sellouts for years
00:58:59cuz they i said they sold out they sold out
00:59:01they did whatever it took to get that motherfucking money they sold out
00:59:06but now
00:59:09i'm getting a little older y'all
00:59:16being a real niggas is not paying like i thought it was
00:59:20i think i'm ready to sell out
00:59:23i'm mike epps i love y'all phoenix
00:59:27phoenix says
00:59:57and i'm being a real niggas a little bit like that
00:59:57and i'm gonna
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