Richard Pryor's classic 1979 concert film has him discussing a wide range of topics, including race, the police and his favorite target -- himself.
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#comedy #standupcomedy #standup #jokes #funny #richardpryor #richardpryorcomedy #richardpryorstandup
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FunTranscript
00:00:03So
00:00:53I don't know.
00:02:02Thank you much.
00:02:05Good evening.
00:02:07Wait for the people to get from the bathroom.
00:02:11People in there pissing off.
00:02:12Wait, this shit done started.
00:02:14Damn.
00:02:17What's happening, blood?
00:02:19Right on.
00:02:23Jesus Christ, look at the white people rushing back.
00:02:28White people don't care, Jack.
00:02:30Just come out anyways.
00:02:32Say, fuck it.
00:02:33We're going.
00:02:33I don't give a shit.
00:02:42You niggas taking a chance being in Long Beach, though, Jack.
00:02:47I saw the police had some brother jacked up when we was coming in here.
00:02:50Niggas' hands way up here.
00:02:51I'm like, huh?
00:02:52What?
00:02:54They're searching the shit.
00:02:56Bet they take him away to jail.
00:02:59Go to jail in Long Beach.
00:03:00It's just a motherfucker, man.
00:03:01It's just a...
00:03:02Where you at?
00:03:03I'm in Long Beach.
00:03:05Well, shit, we ain't coming down there to get your ass out.
00:03:15White people, this is the fun part for me, when the white people come back after intermission
00:03:18and find out niggas and then stole their seats.
00:03:28Weren't we sitting here, dear?
00:03:30Weren't we?
00:03:31I believe we were sitting here, weren't we?
00:03:34Yes, we were sitting right there.
00:03:38Well, you ain't sitting here now, motherfucker.
00:03:49You ever notice how nice white people get when there's a bunch of niggas around?
00:03:54Right?
00:03:55They get outside, they talk to everybody, right?
00:03:57They say, hi, how you doing?
00:04:00I don't know you, but here's my wife.
00:04:01Hello!
00:04:04What you taking my picture for?
00:04:06Who are you going to show it to?
00:04:09They say, hi, I got the picture of Richard Pryor.
00:04:12Who gives a fuck?
00:04:21Sit your ass down.
00:04:31Sit your ass down.
00:04:36You know you ain't got no film in the camera.
00:04:40You just bullshit, just flashing, ain't nothing flashing.
00:04:43Sit your ugly ass down.
00:04:53I'm going to get right to your seat.
00:04:54Exit.
00:04:58No, it's funny, though, man.
00:04:59White people be funny.
00:05:00And you ever notice, like, you be the only nigga someplace, and you go with white people,
00:05:04they be funky?
00:05:05Right?
00:05:06They be done.
00:05:06You want to move out of the way, fellas?
00:05:07Excuse me?
00:05:08Thank you very much.
00:05:10Taking up all the fucking area.
00:05:11Yeah, Jesus Christ.
00:05:20And niggas, guerrilla, they weigh in the place, man.
00:05:23We saw about eight dead white people when we was coming in, still had tickets in their
00:05:27hands.
00:05:29Niggas had just run over them getting in there.
00:05:31Move out the way, motherfucker.
00:05:33Shit.
00:05:35We ain't seen a nigga in three years.
00:05:36What the fuck can you call me?
00:05:38White is short.
00:05:39Go ahead, short.
00:05:40Cut in.
00:05:40Short's okay.
00:05:41Well, what do you want?
00:05:42Trouble?
00:05:43There's a whole bunch of them.
00:05:46They could be cousins or anything.
00:05:49Some white dudes you cut in front of don't play that shit, though, right?
00:05:52You cut in front of them.
00:05:53All right, cut the shit.
00:06:03Just cut the fucking crap.
00:06:05Hold on.
00:06:08I love when white dudes get mad and cuss, right?
00:06:12Because you're all some funny motherfuckers when you cuss.
00:06:15Right?
00:06:15They be saying shit like, yeah, come on, peckerhead.
00:06:22Come on, you fucking joke-off.
00:06:25Come on.
00:06:26Son of a bitch.
00:06:28Come on.
00:06:37Yeah, you fucking ain't right, buddy.
00:06:42Niggas be talking about, buddy this.
00:06:49Yeah.
00:06:51You want to buddy something, buddy up on this here.
00:06:55Black men will grab them dicks, Jack.
00:06:59I don't care.
00:07:00Niggas be walking down the street.
00:07:01They gonna hold their dick, Jack.
00:07:03What's happening, bro?
00:07:04I ain't nothing to it.
00:07:04Shit.
00:07:07You know how it is.
00:07:08I'm just hanging on.
00:07:15Even Andrew Young, he grabbed his dick.
00:07:18He be talking to the President of the United States.
00:07:21Andrew Young.
00:07:22Mr. President, no, we got to talk some serious shit.
00:07:30Excuse me, Mrs. Carter.
00:07:33Oh, that's all right.
00:07:36Bigger than a peanut.
00:07:48Patty and I want to say we're really happy that you come out to see us tonight.
00:07:52Mean that from the bottom of my heart.
00:08:02Patty be singing her ass off, too, don't she?
00:08:05I mean, Patty gets some shit down in there and be, what?
00:08:09Shit go all through me, man.
00:08:11Let me see.
00:08:12Sing it, you motherfuckers.
00:08:13Yeah.
00:08:15And the band's a bitch, too, man.
00:08:16The band's a motherfucker she got.
00:08:19Good.
00:08:24That white boy on the horn be playing his ass off, right?
00:08:27He don't even bend, mother.
00:08:31No, most people play the horn.
00:08:33They got to bend or something to get that shit out of there, right?
00:08:37This can't be the man.
00:08:39And don't miss shit.
00:08:41Don't worry, niggas.
00:08:42I'm with you.
00:08:43Go ahead.
00:08:49And I am really personally happy to see anybody come out and see me, right?
00:08:54Especially much that I done fucked up this year.
00:09:06I don't want to never see no more police in my life.
00:09:12At my house.
00:09:14Taking my ass to jail.
00:09:18For killing my car.
00:09:25And it seems fair to kill my car to me, right?
00:09:28Because my wife was going to leave my ass.
00:09:30You know what I'm saying?
00:09:31Not in this motherfucker, you ain't.
00:09:34No, Lord.
00:09:36No.
00:09:36If you leave, you'll be driving them hush puppies you got on.
00:09:42Because I'm going to kill this motherfucker here.
00:09:45And I had one of them big old magnums.
00:09:47You know how that noise they make when you shoot something?
00:09:49I shot a tire and said, boom.
00:09:51The tire and said, ah.
00:09:55It got good to me.
00:09:56I shot another one.
00:09:58Boom.
00:09:59Oh.
00:10:01And that vodka I was drinking said, go ahead.
00:10:03Shoot something else.
00:10:08I shot the motor.
00:10:09The motor fell out the motherfucker, right?
00:10:11Motor say, fuck it.
00:10:17Then the police came.
00:10:19I went in the house.
00:10:22Because they got magnums too.
00:10:25And they don't kill cars.
00:10:28They killed niggas.
00:10:39Police got a chokehold they use out here, though, man.
00:10:42They choke niggas to death.
00:10:44That mean you be dead when they threw.
00:10:46Right?
00:10:47Did you know that?
00:10:48Wait.
00:10:49The niggas going, yeah.
00:10:50We didn't know why.
00:10:50No.
00:10:51I had no idea.
00:10:54Yeah, two grab your legs, one grab your head, it'll snap.
00:10:57Oh, shit, he broke.
00:11:00Can you break a nigger?
00:11:01Is it okay?
00:11:02Let's check them in.
00:11:03Oh, yep.
00:11:04Page eight, you can break a nigger right there.
00:11:05See?
00:11:06Let's drag him downtown.
00:11:08Okay.
00:11:09And they got them dogs that stick on your ass, right?
00:11:12Them German shepherds and shit.
00:11:14Nasty motherfuckers, right?
00:11:15Some places they got them Dobermans.
00:11:17Doberman penches.
00:11:18Them some bad motherfuckers.
00:11:20They fast, too.
00:11:22They catch the average white boy.
00:11:31By the time they catch a nigger, though, they're too tired to do anything.
00:11:39Right?
00:11:39Maybe get petted or some shit like that.
00:11:41You tired of running more?
00:11:44Sit your ass right there, then.
00:11:46Won't get on you.
00:11:47All right.
00:11:49I saw him let one loose on a young brother, about 16, in an alley.
00:11:53The police jumped out the car and sicked the Doberman loose on him.
00:11:56And the brother was low running.
00:11:57He was down in here.
00:12:02And the dog was on his ass.
00:12:08And it must have got good to the brother, because he shifted into overdrive on the dog.
00:12:14Yeah, the brother had a cap on.
00:12:15And it just went...
00:12:27And it looked like, to me, like the dog said, shit.
00:12:32Motherfuck that nigga, man.
00:12:34Shit, he gonna kill me out here.
00:12:36Shit.
00:12:37Get me a biscuit.
00:12:38Shit.
00:12:41I got two dogs, I got two male mutes that I trained to fight to police dogs.
00:12:47I did.
00:12:48I said, if you see any dog jump on me, y'all better do something.
00:12:52Because if you don't, you know what happened to that car on New Year?
00:12:56We got you, Rich.
00:12:57We got you.
00:12:58We got you.
00:12:58We got you.
00:12:59We got you.
00:13:01And they won't bite shit, right?
00:13:03I mean, they're very intelligent dogs, though, right?
00:13:06I mean, they'd be reading dog food cans and shit.
00:13:09They're doing it.
00:13:09Hell poe.
00:13:10No meat byproducts.
00:13:11No sliving.
00:13:12Yeah, Rich, this will be good.
00:13:13Fix that, of course, please.
00:13:16Could we have a little wine with that, perhaps?
00:13:19And a burglar come in the house and say, don't fuck with the dinner plate.
00:13:22You can have all this shit up here.
00:13:26So I got a doberman, right?
00:13:29One of them bad motherfuckers, right?
00:13:31Somebody stole him.
00:13:35That's how bad he was.
00:13:38And I got him from a dog home.
00:13:40You know, you can get dogs from the dog home, save them from killing them.
00:13:42You know, I got him from the dog home.
00:13:44And somebody had abused him real bad.
00:13:46Because every time I'd call him, he'd freak out.
00:13:48I'd say, hey, champ, what?
00:13:49Shit, Jesus Christ.
00:13:51What are you doing, man?
00:13:52Don't do that shit.
00:13:53I'm telling you.
00:13:53Fuck it with my head.
00:13:54I can't do it.
00:13:56It's a real bummer, Rich.
00:13:58God, please.
00:14:00They're like that.
00:14:01Dobermans are like that.
00:14:02When they're puppies, they're real scared, man.
00:14:04You look at them, shit.
00:14:06But when they get older, they don't even like for you to stare at them, right?
00:14:10Most dogs, you can stare down.
00:14:11You look at a dog too long, they go.
00:14:13You stare at a doberman, don't be dumb.
00:14:17I don't play that shit.
00:14:21And then they show you their teeth, right?
00:14:24This look like I'm smiling, motherfucker.
00:14:28I'm about to get in your ass.
00:14:33And they make real good watchdogs, right?
00:14:35But the only problem is they let burglars come in your house.
00:14:39They do.
00:14:40They have a burglar.
00:14:40Yeah, come on in.
00:14:41Come on.
00:14:42Yeah.
00:14:42Come on in the bedroom.
00:14:43Let me show you where the money is.
00:14:44Yeah, get in.
00:14:45Get all that.
00:14:46Yeah, come on in the kitchen.
00:14:46Get silver.
00:14:47Hurry up.
00:14:47Come on.
00:14:48Yeah.
00:14:48Come on.
00:14:49And they wait for the burglar to hit the door.
00:14:51That's when they turn into the exorcist.
00:14:54Where the burglar goes, they go, you can't live.
00:14:59I want to play.
00:15:03And that's how you find the burglar when you get home, right?
00:15:06They beat them up.
00:15:07Help me.
00:15:09Please help me.
00:15:11Motherfucker sounds like the fly.
00:15:13Help me.
00:15:15The dog is going to bite my asshole out.
00:15:18Help me.
00:15:21Let's pet some something else.
00:15:23I got pets.
00:15:24I love my little pets.
00:15:25I got monkeys and shit.
00:15:27My monkeys died.
00:15:28Yeah.
00:15:29I had two squirrel monkeys.
00:15:31You ever see them squirrel monkeys?
00:15:32They got them hands.
00:15:34They freak a dog out.
00:15:36They do.
00:15:36They get on the dog and them fingers touch a dog.
00:15:38Dog go.
00:15:40I had a one named Fran.
00:15:42I named him Fran because the first time I opened the cage, he ran up my arm and stuck his
00:15:47dick right in my ear.
00:15:48Get in.
00:15:57It felt like a wet Q-tip, right?
00:16:04Pissed all on my cheek.
00:16:07I had to throw him up in the ceiling.
00:16:11He'd do that to anyone.
00:16:12I'd bite over people, you know, just to fuck with them.
00:16:14You know, I'd say, go and open the cage up.
00:16:16You know, up they are.
00:16:23I remember one time this guy from Warner Brothers was coming over.
00:16:26He was going to do a film with me.
00:16:27And he came over and he opened the cage.
00:16:29And I said, don't open the cage.
00:16:30I'm like, he, he, he, he, he.
00:16:33I said, well, you won't be doing any films at Warner Brothers.
00:16:35That's for goddamn sure.
00:16:38Want to get this monkey's dick out of my ear, Rich?
00:16:43Jesus Christ.
00:16:44Come on, dear.
00:16:46I'll put something over my head there.
00:16:48We'll just say it's a hump.
00:16:50Let's go.
00:16:51So I got him a woman, you know, because he was fucked up.
00:16:54I got him a woman called his sister, right?
00:16:57He did the same to her.
00:16:58Run right in the cage.
00:17:01She said, freeze.
00:17:04First thing, I got to show you where the pussy is.
00:17:11And he got him some monkey pussy and freaked.
00:17:15He just went out of his mind, man.
00:17:16At night, he'd be up there unlocking the cage and shit.
00:17:19And then they'd run away and stay two or three days, right?
00:17:22And you could hear him in the tree.
00:17:26Sometime far away.
00:17:30Sometime I'll fuck.
00:17:33Finally, about the third day, he came in.
00:17:35He was fucked up right in the mouth.
00:17:46And I left him with some friends.
00:17:48I had to go out of town.
00:17:49I left him with some friends to watch him.
00:17:51And he had, like, a little gas heater on the floor.
00:17:54And they turned it on.
00:17:55And they didn't have no matches.
00:17:57And they died.
00:17:59Killed them.
00:18:00I was hurt, too, man.
00:18:02I was, because I came home and found my monkey was dead.
00:18:05I said, shit.
00:18:07I said, I love my monkey so much.
00:18:09I was in the backyard.
00:18:11I was crying.
00:18:12And it was a dog used to live next door to us.
00:18:15A German shepherd.
00:18:16Right?
00:18:16Big, ugly, mean.
00:18:18A German shepherd.
00:18:19He would bite anything.
00:18:21And he jumped the fence and came over there.
00:18:23And I felt something move in my hand like that.
00:18:25And it was him.
00:18:26I started petting him.
00:18:27He looked at me and said, what's the matter, Riz?
00:18:34See, my monkey's dying.
00:18:37I said, what?
00:18:40Your monkey's dying?
00:18:43Ain't that a bitch?
00:18:46You mean the two monkeys used to be in the trees?
00:18:49They died?
00:18:50I said, yeah, they died.
00:18:52I said, shit.
00:18:55I was going to eat them, too.
00:19:02I said, don't linger on that shit too long.
00:19:04You know, fuck with you.
00:19:06I said, I'll try.
00:19:08Yeah, you take care.
00:19:09And he went back and jumped over the fence.
00:19:11And just before he jumped, he looked back at me and said,
00:19:14now you know I'm going to be chasing you again tomorrow.
00:19:20Yeah.
00:19:21Yeah.
00:19:28See, I love horses.
00:19:30I do.
00:19:31I got like a miniature horse.
00:19:32You ever seen a miniature horse about this big?
00:19:34Full grown.
00:19:35That's as big as ever going to get.
00:19:36Yes, ma'am.
00:19:37I'm not lying.
00:19:38His name is Ginger.
00:19:39A friend of mine, Bert Sugarman, gave me this horse.
00:19:41He helped me produce my TV shows.
00:19:43He gave me this horse instead of money.
00:19:47And the horse is nice, but it don't do nothing.
00:19:50Horses don't do nothing when they're that little but eating shit.
00:19:53And horses shit while they walk.
00:19:56They do.
00:19:56They be wonderful.
00:20:00And steam be coming off of horse shit.
00:20:03Horses got some terrible flies.
00:20:05Don't even fuck with horse shit.
00:20:16And the first time that my dog saw the horse,
00:20:19they thought it was another dog, right?
00:20:21Because animals don't have no racism.
00:20:22They thought it was another dog.
00:20:23They said, look, it's another dog with a long tail.
00:20:25Let's go say hello.
00:20:26And my cousin Denise, she had a great day staying with her.
00:20:29She said, yeah, come on, let's go over here.
00:20:31And they ran over.
00:20:32And that horse smell hit the ass, right?
00:20:34He said, hey.
00:20:36This ain't no goddamn dog.
00:20:40And the great day, he said, I don't know what it is,
00:20:42but I'm going to fuck it.
00:20:55You come back and say, well, you can't fuck it.
00:20:58And my two male musicians, well, let's eat the bitch.
00:21:00Let's eat the bitch.
00:21:01I had to beat them off with a cue stick.
00:21:03I said, get the fuck off the dog, goddamn.
00:21:05Leave the horse alone.
00:21:05Move them up.
00:21:06Get back.
00:21:07They got even with me, too, the dogs did.
00:21:10Because one time I was walking with them in the front yard,
00:21:12and I heard one say to the other one, let's fuck him.
00:21:16You know how you be playing with your dogs?
00:21:18I say, hey, get out of here.
00:21:20Say, what the fuck is he doing?
00:21:22Get out of here.
00:21:23Get your hand, man.
00:21:24Help!
00:21:27And dogs, when you make dogs stop fucking,
00:21:30they go fuck air, anything, right?
00:21:31He's like, get down, goddamn it.
00:21:33They just...
00:21:40Do you remember when the animals used to get hooked up when you was little?
00:21:44That was some funny shit to me, Jack.
00:21:46Because they'd be in the middle of the street, didn't know what your way to go, right?
00:21:49He said, make up your mind, shit.
00:21:52There's a car coming.
00:21:56I always thought women should have that kind of pussy for rapists.
00:22:00You know, the kind of just lock up?
00:22:03Right, because that's some vile shit to take somebody's humanity like that anyway, right?
00:22:07At least your pussy ought to be able to lock up, right?
00:22:09He's like, whip!
00:22:11Okay, let's go.
00:22:12Come on.
00:22:16Don't make a move, Laura.
00:22:17Tighten up.
00:22:17Just keep going.
00:22:18Come on.
00:22:23Oh, shit.
00:22:25Had a little pain in my heart there.
00:22:27I thought I was having another heart attack.
00:22:28So, what?
00:22:29You get scared after you have a heart attack all the time.
00:22:32Anytime you feel a little pain, you go, huh?
00:22:36Anyone here ever had a heart attack?
00:22:38Them motherfuckers hype.
00:22:40I'm not bullshit, man.
00:22:42I was walking in the front yard.
00:22:43I was just walking along and something said, don't breathe.
00:22:49I was saying, huh?
00:22:50You heard me, motherfucker.
00:22:51I said, don't breathe.
00:22:53Okay, I'm gonna breathe.
00:22:54I'm gonna breathe.
00:22:54I'm gonna breathe.
00:22:55Then shut the fuck up, then.
00:22:56Okay.
00:22:58Don't kill me.
00:22:58Don't kill me.
00:22:59Don't kill me.
00:22:59Get on one knee and prove it.
00:23:01I'm on one knee.
00:23:03Don't kill me.
00:23:03Think about dying now, ain't you?
00:23:05Yeah, I'm thinking about dying.
00:23:06I'm thinking about dying.
00:23:07You didn't think about it when you was eating all that pork.
00:23:22Oh, Lord.
00:23:22He said, you know black people got high blood pressure anyway, don't you?
00:23:25Yeah, I'm doing, I'm doing.
00:23:27Now, watch your diet.
00:23:28I will.
00:23:30Don't kill me.
00:23:30Don't kill me.
00:23:31Don't kill me.
00:23:32Don't kill me.
00:23:32You be thinking about shit like that when you think you're gonna die.
00:23:36Don't kill me.
00:23:36Don't kill me.
00:23:37Don't kill me.
00:23:37Don't kill me.
00:23:38You put an emergency call into God, too, right?
00:23:40He said, can I speak to God?
00:23:42Run away, please.
00:23:43Always some angel talking about, I'll have to put you on hold.
00:23:49And then your heart get mad if it find out you was going behind its back to talk to God.
00:23:54Your heart say, was you trying to talk to God behind my back?
00:23:57No, I wasn't.
00:23:58You's a lying motherfucker.
00:23:59You were.
00:24:06I woke up in an ambulance, right?
00:24:09And it wasn't nothing but white people staring at me.
00:24:13I said, ain't this a bitch?
00:24:16I done died and wound up in the wrong motherfucking house.
00:24:26Now I got to listen to Lawrence Welk the rest of my day.
00:24:32But them paramedics can save your ass.
00:24:35You know, they really are something, man.
00:24:37They are, man.
00:24:38You have to give them a lot of credit.
00:24:39They're good.
00:24:39They say civilian people, we can save people, you know?
00:24:44Give them mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
00:24:47I don't know.
00:24:50You know what I mean?
00:24:51Because if I'm walking down the street and I see some motherfucker laid all out and slobber and shit hanging
00:24:56out of his mouth,
00:24:57he ain't going to make it.
00:25:02You know what I mean?
00:25:03I'm going to say save, bro.
00:25:05I don't think you're going to make it.
00:25:08Unless you can get somebody to wipe that shit off your mouth.
00:25:12Right?
00:25:12Because you could be giving somebody mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and they die and death ease down your lungs.
00:25:19Death don't give a fuck where it go.
00:25:22And it get two for one.
00:25:23That's a good day for death.
00:25:29And if you ever have to go to the hospital, which I hope you never do, carry your own piss
00:25:35with you.
00:25:37Because that's what they want, too.
00:25:38As you get in the hospital, they want some blood and some piss.
00:25:42You always have the blood, but you never have the piss.
00:25:45And they get mad at you.
00:25:47You're not going to leave her until you piss in that bottle.
00:25:50And you never can piss.
00:25:51You ever try it in?
00:25:54Can you turn on some water, please?
00:25:58And if you do start, you need eight or nine bottles.
00:26:02Nurse!
00:26:03Hurry up!
00:26:04I'm not going to make it!
00:26:07And they'd be so nonchalant with your piss.
00:26:09Right?
00:26:10What are you talking about?
00:26:10This your piss?
00:26:13I could never grab nobody's piss like that, Jack.
00:26:17I'd have to have some prongs and shit before I grab some piss.
00:26:20Where have you gone?
00:26:21All right, I'm going in to get the piss now.
00:26:24All right, I have the piss.
00:26:26Clear the hallway.
00:26:26I'm coming through.
00:26:28Everybody, back off, please.
00:26:29You won't go back.
00:26:34Then they hook your ass up to that machine, you know, where you look like Frankenstein.
00:26:38You get to watch your life beep away.
00:26:41Right?
00:26:43You be watching too, Jack.
00:26:44Because if you see...
00:26:47That's your ass.
00:26:50Right?
00:26:51I woke up one morning.
00:26:52I saw...
00:26:52I said...
00:27:03Because the hospital ain't no place to get well.
00:27:07That's the truth.
00:27:08That ain't no joke.
00:27:08You can die in there and nobody give a fuck.
00:27:12Unless you're John Wayne or somebody.
00:27:14See, John Wayne can kick death's ass.
00:27:17Didn't he?
00:27:17I mean, the dude, he had cancer one time.
00:27:19Kicked death's ass.
00:27:21Open heart surgery.
00:27:22John Wayne kicked death's ass.
00:27:24John Wayne just said, get the fuck out of here, death.
00:27:29I'm fucking kidding.
00:27:36See, they're filming some shit.
00:27:37I wanted to tell y'all.
00:27:38I mean, it's like you didn't know.
00:27:40Y'all ain't gonna get paid shit either.
00:27:43So don't be asking me for a motherfucking thing when the show's over.
00:27:47Don't be serious.
00:27:47Nigga, where's my money for the movie?
00:27:50No, I guess it's gonna be in the theater or something.
00:27:52I don't know.
00:27:53That's what they got all this shit.
00:27:54What, baby?
00:27:57I can't hear you.
00:27:58Can y'all get a spokesman?
00:28:00Wait a minute.
00:28:01What'd you say?
00:28:02I couldn't hear you, babe.
00:28:04Wait, motherfucker.
00:28:05I was talking to her.
00:28:08What?
00:28:11Oh, thank you, dear.
00:28:12Thank you, thank you, thank you.
00:28:13That's black stuff.
00:28:16Because the white people were looking confused.
00:28:18What does that mean, Mark?
00:28:20Preach, nigger, preach.
00:28:21What is that, actually?
00:28:23Thinking about death, though, I'd like to die like my father died.
00:28:27Right?
00:28:28My father died fucking.
00:28:31He did.
00:28:31My father was 57 when he died, right?
00:28:34The woman was 18.
00:28:37My father came and went at the same time.
00:28:47And the woman that he was making love to, right, couldn't give away no pussy for two years.
00:28:53Because people were going, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
00:28:57no, no.
00:28:58You didn't kill one motherfucker with it.
00:29:00That's all right.
00:29:01Now, that's some pussy you can keep right there.
00:29:05And I saw the lady recently.
00:29:07She's still a little fucked up about it.
00:29:09You know, she came and said, I'm sorry I killed your father.
00:29:12I said, miss, what are you talking about?
00:29:14I said, shit, people get killed in plane wrecks and run over by buses and shit.
00:29:18He died in your pussy.
00:29:19Hey, that's called recycling.
00:29:30You know, I just figured God must have loved my father an awful lot to let him go out like
00:29:34that.
00:29:35Because if I had a choice, now, men, you know the truth.
00:29:38Now, I tell you, if you had a choice between nine and some pussy or getting hit by a bus,
00:29:42which line would you be in?
00:29:45I know what's line I'm going to be in.
00:29:47I'm going to be in that long motherfucker, Jack.
00:30:06Funeral was something else, too, because black funerals are different than white funerals, right?
00:30:11You know, white people have funerals.
00:30:13You don't give it up at the funeral.
00:30:15You do.
00:30:15I mean, you love your deal to depart as much as we do.
00:30:18But at the funeral, you don't give it up.
00:30:31And then sometimes they think, oh.
00:30:35See, black people let it hang out at the funeral.
00:30:37They don't get it.
00:30:38Wow!
00:30:45Take me, God, take me, take me, take me, take me, take me, take me.
00:30:49Right, and then they fall all on your ass, right?
00:30:52You say, goddamn, baby, get your big ass up.
00:30:56Say, why in the fuck you going to kill me because that nigga did?
00:31:05My grandmother could do that shit real good.
00:31:11That's how she made me stop snorting cocaine.
00:31:14She did.
00:31:14She pulled that shit on me at work, too.
00:31:17I had the nerve to pull out some cocaine at the dining room table.
00:31:21She had never seen me do any, right?
00:31:22And she looked at me a long time.
00:31:24She said, why?
00:31:28What's that you putting up your nose?
00:31:31I said, cocaine, mama.
00:31:33Jesus, God, take me now, Lord.
00:31:35Take me now.
00:31:35God, save my life.
00:31:36Take me, take me, take me.
00:31:37God, I say, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.
00:31:40I said, mama, don't do that shit, Lord.
00:31:42I'm throwing the shit out, mama, Lord.
00:31:45$1,600 worth of shit down the drain, mama.
00:31:52She found out how much it cost.
00:31:54She said, you dumb, motherfucker.
00:31:57You could have sold some of that shit back to the man you got it from.
00:32:04I told you that shit didn't make you ignorant.
00:32:11God damn your soul.
00:32:14My grandmother's the lady who used to discipline me, right?
00:32:17You know, beat my ass.
00:32:19Anyone here remember them switches?
00:32:23Right?
00:32:23You used to have to go get off the tree yourself and take them leaves like that.
00:32:29I see them trees today.
00:32:31I will kill one of them motherfuckers.
00:32:33I will stop the car.
00:32:35I say, wait, hold it.
00:32:35Yeah, listen.
00:32:36Yeah.
00:32:37You ain't never going to grow up.
00:32:41You won't be beating nobody's ass, sir.
00:32:47Right?
00:32:47Because that's some hell...
00:32:48Do I have a tumor or did it get dark in here?
00:32:53Because that's some hell of a psychology, right?
00:32:56To make you go get a switch to beat your own ass with.
00:33:00Right?
00:33:00My grandma's like, boy, go get me something to beat your ass with.
00:33:04And that would be the longest walk in the world, right?
00:33:13And you'd be thinking all kind of shit, right?
00:33:16Because you know you done fucked up, Jack.
00:33:19Maybe it'll snow before I get there or something.
00:33:23Maybe she'll have a heart attack and won't be able to whoop me.
00:33:26I don't want to get no whoop me because it's going to tear it up.
00:33:29I know it.
00:33:29And you know you couldn't come back with no little switch, right?
00:33:32Because if you did, she'd go out and get the tree and beat your ass with it, right?
00:33:36You'd be like, please, I don't want to get no whoop me.
00:33:40And you'd get them switches and they'd start cutting the wind on the way home right here.
00:33:46Make you start crying before you get in the house.
00:34:11And my grandmother would get mad and beat your ass with anything, right?
00:34:15You know, old douchebag car or anything.
00:34:19Anyone here remember them old douchebags they used to have?
00:34:22Them big red boys used to hang in the bathroom hold eight gallons of water.
00:34:33My grandmother used to call it a hot water bottle.
00:34:37Right, be hanging in the bathroom on a coat hanger, smell like vinegar.
00:34:46My grandmother would snatch the cord out of one of them boys and tear your ass up with it.
00:34:51Right, and I'd always try to get out of ass whooping, right, by going to sleep early.
00:34:56You know, get in bed, just go to sleep, pass up, suffer and shit, no good.
00:35:02My grandmother would wake my ass up, you know, get your ass out, put your hand, put your, don't you
00:35:08run from me, don't you run from me.
00:35:12As long as you're black, don't you run from me.
00:35:25And there was always one thing to remember when you was getting your ass whooped, right?
00:35:29That was not to say shit.
00:35:32Right, I mean, you could yell and scream all you want, but don't say no shit like, I won't do
00:35:37it no more.
00:35:38Because that just adds extra licks.
00:35:40Right, I said, oh, I know you ain't going to do it no more, because you shouldn't have done it
00:35:46the first time when I told you not to do it.
00:35:57And you'd wake up in the morning and look like a whelp.
00:36:01But you'd be good for eight months though, Jamie.
00:36:05No, you're my mom.
00:36:08Then she'd fix you up.
00:36:09Come here, baby.
00:36:10You see, you shouldn't do that, goddammit.
00:36:13I told you not to.
00:36:15Just sit still now.
00:36:16And the next time you do it, I'm going to tear your ass up again.
00:36:25But I'd much rather like my grandmother to discipline me than my father, right?
00:36:29Because my father would just go out.
00:36:31I mean, he might say any kind of shit.
00:36:33You know, like, go stand in the middle of the street while I start the car.
00:36:38You heard me.
00:36:39Get your ass in the middle of the street.
00:36:46My father was scary, boy.
00:36:47I'd piss on myself.
00:36:48Sometimes he'd call my name, Richard!
00:36:56And I had a fight with my father one time.
00:36:58You know, it wasn't exactly a fight, but I did the best I could.
00:37:03I just got tired of them ass-whoopings, right?
00:37:05I said, this is it.
00:37:07I'm not taking no more ass-whooping.
00:37:09This is it.
00:37:16And he looked at me and he said, what you, a man now, mother and mother?
00:37:20Yeah!
00:37:23And he hit me in the chest hard.
00:37:33He hit me so hard, my chest just came in and wrapped around his fist.
00:37:44And I held on to it with my chest.
00:37:48I would not let it go so he could hit my ass again.
00:37:54And everywhere he moved his arm, I was hanging on like this.
00:38:07And my father was an honest person.
00:38:09I mean, he'd say anything was on his mind.
00:38:11Like, he brutally honest man.
00:38:13Because I remember when my stepmother died, we were going to the funeral.
00:38:17And everybody was crying and shit.
00:38:19And I said, Papa's going to be all right.
00:38:21Papa's going to be all right.
00:38:22You know, it was about 14 below zero.
00:38:24And he was in the back seat.
00:38:26He said, come on, it's okay, it's okay.
00:38:28Yeah, to get any cold, I'm going to have to bury the bitch by itself.
00:38:32Now, that's my father.
00:38:33You know I wouldn't lie on it.
00:38:35Right?
00:38:35Because he got to the graveyard.
00:38:36He was telling the preacher, the dirt.
00:38:38Get to the park with the dirt.
00:38:39Shit, it's cold.
00:38:40Yeah, baby, I love you, but shit, it's cold out of here.
00:38:43Yeah.
00:38:50Right, then you go home and eat everything.
00:38:52Like, all the neighbors and shit would bring food over.
00:38:55And everybody would eat something.
00:38:56You know, like, Miss Irene was a lady that helped raise me.
00:38:59She brought over some dressing, almonds in it and stuff.
00:39:02It was great.
00:39:02We had fun until somebody found some legs on one of the almonds.
00:39:08I said, well, don't tell me about the shit.
00:39:18I didn't have no roaches, motherfucker.
00:39:19You don't want to have the roaches.
00:39:21I don't want to see the shit.
00:39:22No, get the fuck out of my way.
00:39:24My grandmother said, now, don't say nothing to her.
00:39:28She said, she's old and blind.
00:39:30She can't see no one.
00:39:32She said, she probably left the oven open and they crawled in there last night.
00:39:37But, Richard, you had roaches just like everybody else.
00:39:42They was good, too, wasn't they, honey?
00:39:46My father taught me about, like, the great outdoors.
00:39:50You know, he loved, like, the woods and shit, the nature.
00:39:53Something because I still dig it today.
00:39:55You know, I used to love to go, like, my father take me fishing and hunting.
00:39:58I like to go hunting with him, but I hated being the dog.
00:40:03No, because my father didn't have no patience.
00:40:05You know what I mean?
00:40:05He just loses his temper.
00:40:06God damn it, chase the rabbit this way.
00:40:09Well, what the fuck you chasing the rabbit back that way?
00:40:11Get your ass in the car.
00:40:12Shit.
00:40:14We ain't going to never eat.
00:40:15Y'all get your ass in the car.
00:40:16You don't want to chase no goddamn rabbit.
00:40:21But it was something about nature, man.
00:40:23And he taught me about, you'd be in the woods, it's just, the sounds you would hear would be so
00:40:28different.
00:40:28You ever notice how quiet you get when you go in the woods?
00:40:33It's almost like you know the gods are there, right?
00:40:35You'd be quiet.
00:40:38Leaves be crinkling on your feet.
00:40:43Something about nature, right?
00:40:44Just makes you want to shit.
00:40:53And women won't go to the bathroom outside, right?
00:40:56Ladies, you won't, will you?
00:40:57Women say, you want to go to the bathroom out here, baby?
00:40:59Uh-uh.
00:41:01Nope, too much.
00:41:02Look, nope, mm-mm.
00:41:04Too many things crawling around could crawl up there.
00:41:07I'll wait till we get back to the car.
00:41:10I say, bitch, you ain't going to piss in the car?
00:41:18You better drop your drawers and piss in.
00:41:21Because men can just whoop that shit out anywhere, right?
00:41:24You know, all on a tree.
00:41:26You ever write your name in the snow?
00:41:28You know what you mean?
00:41:37Women still be standing around.
00:41:39I'm not going to do it.
00:41:40Uh-uh.
00:41:41I got to go real bad, too.
00:41:44Okay, I'm going to pull my panties down a little bit.
00:41:47Okay?
00:41:49Now, don't you do nothing.
00:41:50Don't you be funny.
00:41:52Now, if you see something, you let me know.
00:41:55You're not going to do nothing funny, are you?
00:41:58No, baby, go ahead.
00:41:59I ain't going to do that.
00:41:59Go ahead.
00:42:00Okay, I'm just going to pull it down a little bit.
00:42:13I like to wait till they get into it, right?
00:42:15And go, somebody's coming!
00:42:21And women can cut their piss off like that.
00:42:23Crap!
00:42:25And not another drop.
00:42:27Come on!
00:42:28Men, have you ever tried to stop your piss?
00:42:31You'll get eight hernias.
00:42:33Yeah, give me.
00:42:34Hoo!
00:42:35Hoo!
00:42:37Piss be running down your leg.
00:42:39Give me.
00:42:40Hoo-hoo!
00:42:42Hoo-hoo!
00:42:44And there's things in the woods that fuck with you.
00:42:48You know what I mean?
00:42:49Like snakes.
00:42:52Snakes make you run into trees.
00:42:56They do, right?
00:42:58Snake!
00:42:59Pow!
00:43:13Not many black people get bitten by snakes.
00:43:17That's true.
00:43:18Statistically, that is true.
00:43:23Because black people stroll too cool in the woods.
00:43:29They do.
00:43:30Niggas be in the woods, have a different attitude about the woods.
00:43:33They'll be walking.
00:43:40Snake.
00:43:41Snake.
00:43:50Now, white people get bitten all the time because they have a different rhythm.
00:43:54They be in the woods or mother.
00:44:09But in the woods, when you be hunting deer and shit, you be in the woods.
00:44:12You hear all that.
00:44:19Say, come over this way.
00:44:20Come over.
00:44:24Say, what the fuck was that?
00:44:29I don't know.
00:44:34Come on.
00:44:35And deer be drinking water, right?
00:44:37I don't know.
00:44:38I don't know.
00:44:41I don't know.
00:44:44I don't know.
00:44:51I don't know.
00:44:54I don't know.
00:44:56I don't know.
00:44:59I don't know.
00:45:00I don't know.
00:45:03I don't know.
00:45:03I don't know.
00:45:04I don't know.
00:45:05I don't know.
00:45:06I don't know.
00:45:07I don't know.
00:45:11And I don't know how deer ever drink water, scared as they are, right?
00:45:15I mean, I'm like, come on, come around this way.
00:45:27Why the fuck are you going to make two paths?
00:45:29Just bring your ass the way I'm coming.
00:45:31I know what I'm doing, God damn it.
00:45:32Just walk where I walk.
00:45:34Will you be upwind?
00:45:35He'll smell your ass.
00:45:36Just bring your ass.
00:45:37Walk in my footsteps, God damn it.
00:45:40Come on.
00:45:41Get off my goddamn foot.
00:45:46You on my car now?
00:45:48I'm out.
00:45:50I'm out.
00:45:54I'm out.
00:46:07I'm out.
00:46:12I'm out.
00:46:30There he is.
00:46:32Beautiful, eh?
00:46:34Give me the rifle.
00:46:38We'll rival.
00:46:53The rifle I gave you back in the car.
00:46:58Shit, I didn't know you wanted me to carry it around.
00:47:16You ain't got the rifle, we're in trouble.
00:47:19How you figure that ain't nothing but a deal?
00:47:22I know that, but there's a bear behind you.
00:47:29Oh, shit.
00:47:31Which way you gonna run?
00:47:34No, I just want to know so I don't run over your ass.
00:47:49You got to have a certain kind of persona, though, to be in them woods fucking with them animals and
00:47:55shit, boy.
00:47:55That's their home.
00:47:57You know what I mean?
00:47:58You got to be knowing what you're doing.
00:47:59Because you might fuck around something and grab your ass.
00:48:03You got to have a look about you, right?
00:48:04I mean, you know, if you look like Leon Speaks, then you could get away with that shit.
00:48:11No, because Leon could chase some of that shit out them woods.
00:48:16Right in my lines and shit.
00:48:18You see the smile on that motherfucker, man?
00:48:27I hope Brother Leon ain't here tonight.
00:48:29Hear that shit.
00:48:33Leon, boy.
00:48:34Now, that's another nigga have bad luck to be fucking with him, too.
00:48:37Right, Leon be walking down the street, bad luck.
00:48:39Leon, huh?
00:48:42What you want to do, freaky diggy?
00:48:45Leon, brother, got a lot of heart, though.
00:48:48Really, yeah.
00:48:48You know, gave Ali another shot at the title and shit.
00:48:51And they didn't want him to.
00:48:52Makes me feel good when that happens.
00:49:00Because to me, I don't think nobody else can beat that young nigga.
00:49:03Myself, because he just...
00:49:04Ali didn't really beat him up.
00:49:06You know, he just beat him off him.
00:49:10Because that nigga ain't been hurt yet.
00:49:13He don't know nothing about the pain.
00:49:15Now, Leon...
00:49:17Leon was trying to get the champ, and the champ was cool, too, right?
00:49:19Every time Leon starts some shit, Ali would grab his ass.
00:49:22Ali would say, not here, nigga, not tonight.
00:49:25You know, Lord, every time you start some shit, I'm going to grab your ass, just like this is it.
00:49:30Because I got to have it this evening.
00:49:32So now I'm going to let you go.
00:49:34Take that with you.
00:49:44And Leon figured, like Leon said, I ain't got nothing to lose.
00:49:48I ain't got no money.
00:49:51I ain't got no TIFAs.
00:49:55And I definitely ain't got no driver's license.
00:50:03So what can the fuck can you do to me?
00:50:06Freaky deaky.
00:50:08Only thing about it, I don't like to hear when white people be saying, he dumb, ain't he?
00:50:12And niggas be agreeing with him.
00:50:14No, that's what tickles me.
00:50:15Be happy for any nigga doing anything.
00:50:24Right, because ain't nobody ever said the heavyweight champion had to be no ectomologist anyway.
00:50:28Right, they say, Leon, what do you do?
00:50:30I knock motherfuckers out.
00:50:38That's all he's got to do.
00:50:41Ali, man, I got in the ring one time.
00:50:43Ali, man, is awesome.
00:50:45A nigga, I was in the benefit with him just for fun boxing.
00:50:47And just to get in the ring with a nigga, your heart go, huh?
00:50:52No, because some make you say, you know, I'm in this motherfucking ring and shit.
00:50:56And does everybody know this is for fun?
00:50:59You know, because a nigga be fucking with you, right?
00:51:01As soon as you get in the ring, Ali be talking about it.
00:51:06I say, wait a minute.
00:51:07Does this nigga know this is a benefit?
00:51:10He ain't supposed to hit my ass up in this motherfucker.
00:51:14And the nigga is so fast, you don't see his punches until they're coming back.
00:51:20That's all you see right in your mind.
00:51:22You're saying, wait a minute now.
00:51:23There was some shit in my face a minute ago.
00:51:25I know that.
00:51:30Ali came out, man.
00:51:31He threw about eight punches about a quarter of an inch from my nose.
00:51:34He said, I said, shit.
00:51:37And I was happy to be in the ring with the champ.
00:51:40You know what I mean?
00:51:40It was really nice.
00:51:41But my mind kept saying, I said, what happened if this nigga had one of them Joe Frazier flashbacks?
00:51:48You know what I mean?
00:51:49He might go, Ron Levin, Joe Frazier.
00:51:52And it gave me brain damage for life.
00:52:03That boxing a hard hustle, though.
00:52:05I used to box in the Golden Gloves.
00:52:07I was good in the gym.
00:52:12I was in the ring where I had my trouble.
00:52:15I was a motherfucker in the gym hitting a heavy bag.
00:52:18You know, bam, bam, bam.
00:52:20Because the bag don't move.
00:52:22Because you get in the ring, niggas be talking about.
00:52:28I said, hey, coach, what about this shit here?
00:52:31I said, this nigga moving.
00:52:34And I always had to box them dudes that looked like they just killed their parents.
00:52:40You know, you ever seen them niggas with them big, rusty-ass hands?
00:52:44The kind of hand you can strike a match in the middle of it?
00:52:51I said, well, he don't give a fuck about me.
00:53:03He's kicking his own hands.
00:53:07And the coach says, stick and move, stick and move.
00:53:10And you'll be scared when you have your first boxing right here.
00:53:12You'll be like.
00:53:21And you get one in, right?
00:53:23Pip, you look at your own shit.
00:53:24You say, hey, this shit might work.
00:53:27And then you start trying a little bit.
00:53:29Ping.
00:53:30Ping.
00:53:31Pip.
00:53:32Ping.
00:53:34Didn't get good to you, right?
00:53:40Ping.
00:53:41Ping.
00:53:41And I fucked around, left one of them pins out there too long.
00:53:46And I saw the sneaker's eyes got real red.
00:53:50And in his mind, I know he was saying, I'm going to kill them rips.
00:53:55And he hit me with a punch.
00:53:57He got from Mississippi.
00:54:01It came from Mississippi.
00:54:03It's in slow motion.
00:54:08Gained momentum in Georgia.
00:54:13Swept up through Louisiana.
00:54:17And my body said, get the fuck out of the way.
00:54:21I couldn't move though.
00:54:23And my mind said, drop your arm, block the punch, and counter with your right.
00:54:27But my arm said, I ain't got nothing to do with it.
00:54:33And he hit me in the rear.
00:54:35And he said, oh.
00:54:39Woo.
00:54:42Ah.
00:54:44Woo.
00:54:46You ever had air leave your body?
00:54:49Air just said, fuck it.
00:54:57And then he saw my other side was weak.
00:54:59He said, oh, you want some air?
00:55:02Woo.
00:55:04And I kept trying to fall.
00:55:08But my legs was in good shape.
00:55:11They wouldn't fall.
00:55:13My legs just looked at me and said, where in the fuck should we fall?
00:55:17Ain't nobody hit us.
00:55:20Shit, you going to make us look bad because you can't take your ass whooping?
00:55:24You better raise your ass back up there, Jack.
00:55:29And one nigga whooped me so good, I thought he was playing kunga on my body.
00:55:33Cause it, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
00:55:37I start dancing with them motherfuckers.
00:55:45And what hurts you most in boxing, like, when you box, right, is the motherfuckers that hit you in the
00:55:50body.
00:55:51I mean, you can deal with them wild swinging motherfuckers, right, because you just block the punch, get out.
00:55:55But them body punches, Jack, you come out with your guard like this at first, it'll be all up here.
00:56:00Okay.
00:56:09And you forget your chin is open, right?
00:56:12You can't hit me in the ribs now.
00:56:14Okay, it hits you in the chin.
00:56:17And your legs are the first thing to go, right?
00:56:20Your legs say, excuse me.
00:56:24I'm falling.
00:56:25I don't know about you.
00:56:26And you be saying, no legs, hang in there.
00:56:28Fuck it.
00:56:30And you be down, Jack.
00:56:33You start looking in the audience for your parents.
00:56:37Hi, Mom.
00:56:39I'm okay.
00:56:42Referee counting and shit.
00:56:43I don't know what the fuck you counting for.
00:56:46I ain't getting up.
00:56:52I'm going to make sure this fight's over.
00:56:55I ain't getting out of the ring until they start sweeping up.
00:56:59And there's always somebody in the audience talking about, get up.
00:57:04Get up.
00:57:06Fuck you.
00:57:10That's how I got down here in the first place.
00:57:15That's why you got to keep the ladies in shape, man.
00:57:18And do road work and shit.
00:57:19You got to run four or five miles a day.
00:57:22Ali run backwards because that's the way he fights.
00:57:27I just be running like this.
00:57:29Rashawn, my trainer, he said, run, keep your mouth closed.
00:57:32Breathe through your nose.
00:57:32You'll be.
00:57:38You'll be breathing through your nose.
00:57:39The snot starts coming out your nose.
00:57:42That's when the women come out, right?
00:57:44You got snot hanging on your nose.
00:57:49You ever be running?
00:57:50Give one of them.
00:57:52And get it on somebody running next to you.
00:57:54I just say, jump on this shit you got on my nose.
00:58:00Do you know I would kick your ass?
00:58:02You're going to be running for real.
00:58:04You don't get this shit off me.
00:58:08And sometimes it's ego crushing when you be running.
00:58:11Because old white men be out there lapping your ass, right?
00:58:13Be the man.
00:58:14Be the man.
00:58:14Be the man.
00:58:15Be the man.
00:58:17Be the man.
00:58:18Be the man.
00:58:20Be the man.
00:58:24And you ever be running, you get that pain in your side.
00:58:27But it means that, hello.
00:58:29I'll be fucking with you the next hour or so.
00:58:32I serve no purpose other than to kill your ass.
00:58:36I'll be moving from side to side, down your groin and up your ass.
00:58:42When you drop dead, I will stop.
00:58:46No, but you got to stay in shape and shit.
00:58:49Because you never can tell when in real life you will have to run.
00:58:56Run.
00:58:57That's right.
00:58:57Run.
00:58:59God damn it.
00:59:00Run.
00:59:01Run.
00:59:01Why get killed when you can't run?
00:59:05That's right.
00:59:06A lot of people get an ass whooping and you could run.
00:59:10You be in the hospital, your ego heals a lot faster than a broken jaw.
00:59:15Because you'll still be in the hospital talking about, shit, I should have run.
00:59:21Run.
00:59:23That's right.
00:59:24If somebody pull a knife on you and you can't pull out nothing but a hand with some skin on
00:59:30it,
00:59:31your intelligence ought to tell you to run.
00:59:36But people be watching Cold Jack and shit too much.
00:59:39They think they have to be macho man.
00:59:42I'll take that knife and shove it up your ass.
00:59:52I'm macho man.
00:59:55You go from macho man to dead person.
01:00:00Because see, in the movies, I always make looking, getting stabbed with a knife look like it's cool, right?
01:00:04Because they had that music.
01:00:05Na-na.
01:00:08Na-na-na-na.
01:00:12Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na
01:00:16-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na
01:00:20-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na
01:00:22-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na
01:00:23-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na
01:00:23-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na
01:00:34You say, I'll meet you home in five minutes, baby.
01:00:38And then you got something to laugh about when you get home, right?
01:00:41You say, baby, shit, I'll meet you in about two minutes.
01:00:43What the fuck happened?
01:00:48The people try to be, macho man.
01:00:51They get you fucked up, Jack.
01:00:53Especially nowadays, because young dudes that fight,
01:00:55they don't even fight like older people.
01:00:58You know what I mean?
01:00:58Like, we used to just have gang fights, you use your fists and shit.
01:01:01Now they got that kung fu and karate and shit.
01:01:04They like to pluck your eye out and pull your arm out of socket and shit.
01:01:08Well, it ain't no fun to them.
01:01:11See, you go out there with that old-fashioned shit,
01:01:13they just kick you in the nuts.
01:01:15What do you mean, come on, Jack?
01:01:17Oh, boy.
01:01:30No, no, no, I've had enough noise.
01:01:33You win, you win.
01:01:35Oh, yeah.
01:01:36Oh, oopsie-daisy.
01:01:38Okay, no, I'm fine.
01:01:40This is, uh, just trying to find my ball.
01:01:46Two, yeah, there's two of them.
01:01:49There's two.
01:01:50Here's one here.
01:01:53No, no, I'll just put it in my pocket.
01:01:58If you see the other one, would you mail it to me?
01:02:02Say it wrong.
01:02:04Let's just say it.
01:02:06But you gotta stay in shape, right?
01:02:09Because you never can tell, Jack.
01:02:11You gotta swim or something.
01:02:13I can't swim myself, you know.
01:02:15My kids swim their ass off.
01:02:17We got a pool.
01:02:17I can't swim.
01:02:18I'm in the shallow part.
01:02:19I'll be pitching the bitch in the shallow part.
01:02:25What happened?
01:02:27Don't nobody push me, Jack.
01:02:30One time I was playing with my kids and forgot what I was doing
01:02:34and fucked around and jumped off in the deep end.
01:02:37And that water bring your memory back like that.
01:02:44I didn't even get a chance to get motherfuckers.
01:02:47And my mind, on your mind says, when you think you're drowning in the pool,
01:02:51your mind says, get to the edge.
01:02:53Get your ass to the edge.
01:02:56And I was swimming my ass off in one spot.
01:03:00I wasn't going no place.
01:03:03And my kids was watching me, right?
01:03:05And my kids think everything I do is funny.
01:03:10And I said, look at Daddy drowning.
01:03:16Daddy, you're so funny.
01:03:19I said, kick your legs, Daddy.
01:03:22Kick your legs.
01:03:23I said, I'm going to kick your ass.
01:03:25You know, help me out of this, motherfucker.
01:03:30And my kids get away with shit I never could get away with.
01:03:34You know, I can't bring myself, like, just to beat them up.
01:03:36You know, like, be no parent.
01:03:38You know, that kind of standard parent shit like my family did.
01:03:41Because I don't want to fuck my kids up like I'm fucked up.
01:03:46So I just talked to them.
01:03:47You know, I said, get the fuck out of my face.
01:03:50You know, just leave me the fuck alone.
01:03:51I don't want to hear the shit.
01:03:52You don't respect yourself.
01:03:53I know you don't respect me.
01:03:54Now, fuck you.
01:03:58About an hour later, they come to Maroona.
01:04:01I'm sorry.
01:04:03I fucked up.
01:04:06I said, that's right.
01:04:07Don't do it no more.
01:04:09Because I don't have to get in your ass.
01:04:12Oh, Daddy, you're so funny.
01:04:17My kids, boy, when they lie, that's the thing that I love the most.
01:04:20When they be trying to tell them lies, and you know they lie.
01:04:22Right, let me see.
01:04:24Who broke this?
01:04:26Huh?
01:04:28I said, who broke this?
01:04:30Okay.
01:04:32I'm going to tell you, okay?
01:04:35First, okay, I'm going to tell you.
01:04:37First, I wasn't in here, right?
01:04:44First, I was in the kitchen, okay?
01:04:51Then, when I was in the kitchen, do you know what happened?
01:04:56You don't know what happened?
01:04:59Okay, I'm going to tell you, okay?
01:05:02Then, I was in the kitchen, okay?
01:05:05Then, I was running in here.
01:05:09I wasn't really running.
01:05:14Because you remember when you told me not to run?
01:05:18Uh-huh, so I wasn't really running, running.
01:05:21But it was kind of like I was running.
01:05:24My legs was moving real fast.
01:05:26It looked like I was running, but I wasn't really running.
01:05:29Uh-huh.
01:05:30And I was in here then, when that thing, that thing was already broke.
01:05:37Uh-huh, that was broke even before I was born.
01:05:42And when that door was fell back like that, and it broke, and it fell down, and it broke, and
01:05:46broke, and broke, and broke.
01:05:48That's what happened.
01:05:57Now, what?
01:05:58Shut the what, motherfucker?
01:06:00What?
01:06:00You done stood up, and you crazy, you got a jacket on, it was hot in this, motherfucker.
01:06:04So, I'm definitely going to speak to you.
01:06:06What is it?
01:06:10You got a, about the Mexicans?
01:06:11You want me to rank the Mexicans?
01:06:14Y'all in worse trouble than niggas.
01:06:19Y'all get to pass for weight.
01:06:21I can't be fucking with y'all.
01:06:23That's no, there's no fun picking on Mexicans.
01:06:25You guys got a country.
01:06:36And the Chinese, too.
01:06:38The Chinese, the Chinese people here, you better watch out.
01:06:41I'll stick them on your ass.
01:06:44There's a billion Chinese, ain't but 40 Mexicans.
01:06:51That's a lot of people, right?
01:06:52A billion people?
01:06:54Jesus Christ.
01:06:55Somebody in China doing some serious fucking.
01:07:01That's right, they fuck quick, too, right?
01:07:03It's okay.
01:07:12I was in Chinatown, right?
01:07:15We went to Chinatown about five months ago.
01:07:17I heard the funniest shit I'd ever heard in my life was a Chinese person that studied.
01:07:23I swear, this dude was really studied in Chinese.
01:07:26I'm a...
01:07:37And his friends was getting mad at him trying to help his ass, right?
01:07:41Going...
01:07:53You go to Chinatown, they get mad if you don't eat all the food.
01:07:57Right?
01:07:57You go, man, can I have a check, please?
01:08:01Because you got two more dishes.
01:08:05I said, man, I can't eat no more of this shit.
01:08:09I said, you are the shit you ain't shit.
01:08:16Who do you think you are, Buster Brown?
01:08:20And they bring you a bill.
01:08:21Don't you ever see them bills?
01:08:23They say, $48.50 for what?
01:08:25Then they get smooth on your ass, right?
01:08:27You guys say, you'll have two lobster continents.
01:08:34And if you really don't understand, they send that stuttering motherfucker over there
01:08:38to explain it to you.
01:08:44You just end up throwing your money.
01:08:46I say, here, motherfucker, take what you want.
01:08:47Just shut the fuck up before you die.
01:08:53When a billion people, boy, that's me.
01:08:55Making love in China.
01:08:57See, they ain't like black people in China.
01:08:59See, they fuck quick and get it over with.
01:09:01Black people try to stay in the pussy three and four days.
01:09:05Right?
01:09:05Be inventing new ways to fuck.
01:09:07Right?
01:09:07Just take your leg, baby.
01:09:08Wait a minute.
01:09:09Move your arm.
01:09:10Here.
01:09:11Put your pussy on this ladder.
01:09:13Right.
01:09:13Now just move right there.
01:09:14Now hold it.
01:09:15Yeah, shit.
01:09:15There it is.
01:09:17Yeah, goddamn.
01:09:18Don't move now.
01:09:19Mm-hmm.
01:09:21Yes.
01:09:22Mm-hmm.
01:09:25And I just found out some time ago that sometimes women don't have orgasms.
01:09:32And that fucked me up.
01:09:35No, because I just knew I was doing some serious fucking.
01:09:38Right?
01:09:39I'm talking about where you get the hump in your back and shit.
01:09:42You know?
01:09:44Get all ugly in the face.
01:09:46You mean?
01:09:48Toes be talking about.
01:09:51Where you go?
01:09:52How was it, baby?
01:09:53Where we go?
01:09:59You say?
01:10:03You say, well, what the fuck is?
01:10:05You say, well, I didn't come.
01:10:08You say, shit, I did.
01:10:11Well, why about me?
01:10:13Say, what about you?
01:10:15Shit, I got mine.
01:10:17Get yours.
01:10:22Shit, I ain't got no time to be sensitive, because I'm macho man.
01:10:27I don't give a damn if you come or not.
01:10:29I'm macho man.
01:10:36You got to be cool when you're macho man, right?
01:10:39Because you can't be sensitive and care about someone and have a good time in bed.
01:10:42Shit, that's too scary.
01:10:45Because men be scared in bed.
01:10:46I don't give a fuck what they tell you women.
01:10:48When the sex is over, men be talking.
01:10:49She's like, did she come?
01:10:50I wonder if she came.
01:10:50I think she came.
01:10:52I wonder if it was good to her.
01:10:53I hope it was good to her.
01:10:54I'm not going to ask her, though.
01:10:55I don't give a shot, because she didn't like it.
01:10:56That's all right.
01:10:56I don't care, because I did the best I could.
01:10:58Now, fuck her.
01:11:01She's not getting it anymore.
01:11:02And that's it.
01:11:04Please.
01:11:04Fuck it hard.
01:11:05Please.
01:11:06I don't care what you're doing.
01:11:07Don't kiss me no more.
01:11:08I don't want to be touched.
01:11:10And some niggas would be lying.
01:11:12I'm like, I'm going to fuck eight, nine hours, Jack.
01:11:15You some lying motherfuckers.
01:11:18You fuck nine hours.
01:11:20We know where to bury your ass on the tent.
01:11:25Because I like making love myself.
01:11:27And I can make love for about three minutes.
01:11:31I do about three minutes of sales fucking.
01:11:35Then I need eight hours sleep.
01:11:43And a bowl of Wheaties.
01:11:48And you can tell when you done made good love to your woman, right?
01:11:52Because she will go to sleep.
01:11:55That's when you really are a macho man.
01:12:00I put your ass to sleep.
01:12:02I'm a macho man.
01:12:10But if you finish fucking and your woman want to talk about computer components, you got some
01:12:16motherfucking to do it.
01:12:22And don't get me wrong now.
01:12:24They got some women just as showering us as we men are, right?
01:12:27They got some women be talking about, oh, no, please stop.
01:12:30I can't see.
01:12:30No, please stop.
01:12:31Can you wait till I put it in?
01:12:43And usually when men meet a woman that says she never had an orgasm, men, we go right
01:12:48past sensitivity, right?
01:12:49We go right to the ego, right?
01:12:51Well, bitch, you're going to come this evening.
01:12:54As soon as I get my shit open here.
01:12:56My shit I got in this briefcase.
01:12:58I know you're going to come.
01:13:01Just a minute.
01:13:02Here it is.
01:13:18Just relax.
01:13:27And when you don't use sensitivity when you're having sex, right, or share some of your soul,
01:13:32nothing's going to happen.
01:13:33Because men really get afraid.
01:13:35Men are really scared in bed for women because you got to have that macho shit be working.
01:13:39And it's hard to say, oh, you did, uh, did you, uh, did you, uh, did you come?
01:13:58Right, because men get defensive.
01:14:00If a woman says she didn't come, men get real defensive, right?
01:14:03They won't take no fault for shit, right?
01:14:06Men might say anything when they get scared, right?
01:14:08Men go, look, baby, maybe your pussy dead.
01:14:18And women always have a great comeback, right?
01:14:21Women say, well, why don't you give it mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?
01:14:32You ever give a hand for nine hours?
01:14:35Your back locks.
01:14:37Your jaws and shit swell all up.
01:14:40Lips look like a cartoon.
01:14:41You can't give me them.
01:14:43Baby, I can't do it anymore.
01:14:45I can't do it anymore.
01:14:46And when you stop, women always say, but I almost can.
01:14:54Finally, I ended up saying, I said, look, I'll be the bitch.
01:14:57You get on top.
01:14:58And she came too, right?
01:15:00She said, oh, oh, oh, oh, I'm coming!
01:15:24She said, how was it?
01:15:25That's it.
01:15:26I said, that's it.
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