Dave talks about not actually growing up in the projects, the hate he received from the transgender community, and from fake news.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup #davechappelle #davechappellecomedy #davechappellestandup
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup #davechappelle #davechappellecomedy #davechappellestandup
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FunTranscript
00:00:10I heard he sang a good song, I heard he had a style, and so I came to see him
00:00:22to listen
00:00:22for a while, and there he was, this young boy, a stranger to my eyes, strumming my band with his
00:00:36fingers, singing my life with his words, killing me softly with his song.
00:00:47I came back here, where I started, because I will shoot my final Netflix special tonight.
00:01:01That's right.
00:01:05And after this shit, it's time to make America wait again.
00:01:14I've done too well.
00:01:16You know, if you're black in show business and do too well, it's scary, nigga.
00:01:20Like, you gotta get the fuck out of the casino while the getting's good, while you're still winning.
00:01:26If you don't walk away from the table, that's how niggas get Kevin Harted.
00:01:33You already know.
00:01:37That's my man, I'm just saying, if he got a sex tape out,
00:01:41well, it's just a matter of time for me.
00:01:50But you know why I be thinking sometimes I want to stop doing comedy,
00:01:53and, and, you know, I don't want to sound like a braggart saying this,
00:01:57but the real, like, reason I want to stop
00:01:59is because I'm too goddamn good at it.
00:02:04I'm dope, nigga.
00:02:05Like, no, I'm not even, I'm not even exaggerating.
00:02:08I'm, it's not exciting.
00:02:11Every night before I come out on stage, I'll be backstage like,
00:02:14I'm sure this is gonna go well.
00:02:19And it always does.
00:02:22I'm so good at writing jokes, and this is not even an exaggeration.
00:02:28I actually write jokes backwards.
00:02:32I will write a punchline with no particular setup in mind.
00:02:36I'll just put it on a scrap of paper,
00:02:38and I'll throw that scrap of paper in my, uh, fishbowl.
00:02:40I have a fishbowl in my house filled with random punchlines.
00:02:44And every once in a while, I'll shake the bowl,
00:02:47and I'll dig in there and just pull one out
00:02:49and see if I can make that shit work.
00:02:52And I picked one for this special.
00:02:55It's not an easy punchline to pull off.
00:02:58Are you ready?
00:02:59Yes!
00:03:01Here it goes.
00:03:02The punchline is,
00:03:04so I kicked her in the pussy.
00:03:10I haven't finished the joke yet.
00:03:13I just know whatever happens in the beginning of the joke,
00:03:16at the end of the joke,
00:03:16for some reason,
00:03:18I'm gonna kick somebody in the pussy.
00:03:20And it's going to be hilarious.
00:03:24And you know what's weird?
00:03:27I've always been this talented.
00:03:30I can't remember a time when I wasn't.
00:03:32You know,
00:03:33when I was growing up,
00:03:34I was probably about eight years old,
00:03:36and at the time,
00:03:37we were living in Silver Spring.
00:03:39Yeah.
00:03:42Yes.
00:03:43Common misconception about me in D.C.,
00:03:45a lot of people think I'm from the hood.
00:03:47That's not true.
00:03:50But I never bothered to correct anybody
00:03:55because I wanted the streets to embrace me.
00:03:59As a matter of fact,
00:04:00I kept it up as a ruse.
00:04:03Like, sometimes I'll hang out with rappers
00:04:05like Nas and them,
00:04:06and these motherfuckers will start talking about the projects.
00:04:08Yo,
00:04:09it was wild in the PJs, yo.
00:04:11And I'll be like,
00:04:12word, nigga, word.
00:04:13But I don't know.
00:04:16I have no idea.
00:04:19My parents did just well enough
00:04:22so that I could grow up poor around white people.
00:04:31And to be honest,
00:04:32when Nas and them talk about the projects,
00:04:34nigga,
00:04:34I used to get jealous
00:04:36because it sounded fun.
00:04:39Everybody in the projects was poor,
00:04:41and that's fair.
00:04:42But if you were poor in Silver Spring,
00:04:45nigga,
00:04:46it felt like it was only happening to you.
00:04:51Nas does not know the pain
00:04:55of that first sleepover
00:04:57at a white friend's house.
00:05:02When you come back home on Sunday
00:05:04and just look at your parents like,
00:05:06y'all need to step your game up.
00:05:12Everything in Timmy's house works.
00:05:18Remember the first time you saw that?
00:05:20In a cold winter,
00:05:21and you'd be at a white friend's house
00:05:22and see the motherfuckers
00:05:23in their living room
00:05:24without their coats on?
00:05:34Timmy was one of my first white friends,
00:05:36like, in my life, man.
00:05:38Good dude, too.
00:05:39He moved to Silver Spring
00:05:41from Utah, of all places.
00:05:43I guess his family was affiliated
00:05:45with that Mormon church
00:05:46they got down there.
00:05:48Me and him used to hang out,
00:05:50and one day I was at his house,
00:05:51we were just hanging out,
00:05:52and Timmy says,
00:05:53Dave,
00:05:54why don't you stay for dinner tonight?
00:05:56I said,
00:05:57oh, man,
00:05:58I'd love to,
00:05:59but I can't.
00:06:00If I'm not home before dark,
00:06:02my mother will kill me.
00:06:04That was a lie.
00:06:07My mother had several jobs.
00:06:09I hadn't seen her
00:06:09in, like, three or four days.
00:06:13And the only reason
00:06:14I lied to Timmy
00:06:15was because
00:06:16at that point in my life,
00:06:17it was my experience
00:06:19that white dinner
00:06:20wasn't delicious.
00:06:27I'd rather go home
00:06:28and fry some bologna
00:06:29or some shit like that.
00:06:37But then old Timmy
00:06:38threw me a curveball
00:06:39I wasn't expecting.
00:06:40He said,
00:06:40oh, it's too bad
00:06:41you can't stay, Dave,
00:06:42because, um,
00:06:43mom, uh,
00:06:45made stovetop stuffing.
00:06:48I said,
00:06:48what the fuck?
00:06:50Stovetop?
00:06:52Well, hold on, nigga,
00:06:52let me make some
00:06:53phone calls real quick.
00:06:58I had seen that
00:06:59commercial so many times
00:07:00I had dreamt of
00:07:01getting my hands
00:07:02on some of that
00:07:02stovetop stuffing.
00:07:05And finally,
00:07:06I met a motherfucker
00:07:06that actually had
00:07:07a box of stovetop
00:07:08in the house.
00:07:09I couldn't miss
00:07:09this opportunity,
00:07:10so I pretended
00:07:11to call my mother.
00:07:13And then I came back
00:07:14in, I said,
00:07:14Timmy,
00:07:15Timmy,
00:07:16you're not gonna believe
00:07:16this, great news.
00:07:17Mom said,
00:07:18I can stay.
00:07:19And he said,
00:07:19fantastic.
00:07:20He said,
00:07:21why don't you come
00:07:21with me
00:07:22and we'll help
00:07:22set the table
00:07:23and then we can
00:07:23say the blessing.
00:07:24I had no interest
00:07:26in setting
00:07:27this motherfucker's table
00:07:29or saying
00:07:30these crazy-ass
00:07:30Mormon prayers.
00:07:32I just wanted
00:07:33that goddamn stuffing.
00:07:37So I told Timmy,
00:07:38I said,
00:07:38you know what,
00:07:39I'd love to help,
00:07:40but let me go
00:07:40wash my hands first.
00:07:41My plan was simple.
00:07:43Wash my hands slowly
00:07:45and by the time
00:07:46I'm done,
00:07:47the table will be set
00:07:48the blessing will be said
00:07:49and all that there
00:07:50will be left to do
00:07:51is eat.
00:07:54Went to the bathroom.
00:07:56I washed my hands
00:07:57very slowly.
00:07:58I must have been in there
00:07:59for about 10 minutes.
00:08:02And suddenly,
00:08:03one of his mothers
00:08:04came to the door.
00:08:15She was like,
00:08:16hi,
00:08:17David Wright.
00:08:18I said,
00:08:19yes, ma'am.
00:08:20She said,
00:08:21Timmy tells me
00:08:22that you're planning
00:08:23on staying for dinner.
00:08:25I said,
00:08:25I hope that's not
00:08:26a problem, ma'am.
00:08:27She says,
00:08:28no, it's no problem.
00:08:29In fact,
00:08:29we'd love to have you.
00:08:30It's just that
00:08:31we weren't expecting company.
00:08:32And I'm afraid
00:08:34there's not enough
00:08:36stovetop stuffing
00:08:38for everybody.
00:08:39for everybody.
00:08:42So I kicked her in the pussy.
00:08:44Bam!
00:08:45Ladies and gentlemen,
00:08:47I told you I'm dope,
00:08:49nigga.
00:08:49I told you
00:08:50what I was gonna say
00:08:51and you still didn't see it coming.
00:08:53And that's why
00:08:54I make the big bucks.
00:09:05Oh, my God.
00:09:08But there's a more important reason
00:09:10that I would stop
00:09:11doing comedy right now.
00:09:13And this reason
00:09:14is the real reason
00:09:15that's been percolating
00:09:16and it really is the crowd,
00:09:18not you.
00:09:18I'm talking about
00:09:20the crowd on the big stage.
00:09:22It's too hard
00:09:23to entertain a country
00:09:24whose ears
00:09:25are so brittle.
00:09:27Motherfuckers are so sensitive
00:09:28the whole country
00:09:29is turned into
00:09:30bitch-ass niggas.
00:09:40Everything you say
00:09:41upsets somebody.
00:09:43You know,
00:09:44I can remember
00:09:44when it all started.
00:09:45It was when I was
00:09:46doing Chappelle's show.
00:09:47When I was doing
00:09:48Chappelle's show,
00:09:51I used to do the show
00:09:52and then on the weekends
00:09:53I'd do like concerts
00:09:54and shit like that.
00:09:55So I'm doing a concert
00:09:56and there was a couple
00:09:57in the front row.
00:09:58Beautiful couple.
00:09:59The wife.
00:10:00Wife was obviously Asian.
00:10:05You could see it
00:10:06in her face.
00:10:17The husband,
00:10:19this motherfucker
00:10:20was mysterious
00:10:21to say the least.
00:10:23Couldn't quite pinpoint
00:10:25where he was from.
00:10:26Caramel-colored fella,
00:10:27very nice hair,
00:10:28but it could have been
00:10:29from anywhere.
00:10:29Bangladesh, Mexico.
00:10:30I can't guess
00:10:31with a nigga like this.
00:10:33All I knew for sure
00:10:36about this guy
00:10:38is that his wife
00:10:39was a bitch.
00:10:43I could see that
00:10:44in her face too.
00:10:46No, he was laughing
00:10:47and having a good time
00:10:48and she was scowling at me
00:10:50at a goddamn comedy show.
00:10:52I couldn't figure it out.
00:10:54And then I realized
00:10:55at some point
00:10:56that she was pregnant
00:10:57and I was smoking on stage.
00:10:59I said,
00:11:00oh my God,
00:11:00that's probably why
00:11:01she's mad.
00:11:02So I started
00:11:03to put my cigarette out,
00:11:04but then she hit me
00:11:05with one of them
00:11:05fake non-smoker calls.
00:11:10So I just kept smoking.
00:11:11I thought to myself,
00:11:12bitch, that babe
00:11:12will be fine.
00:11:13Relax.
00:11:17And I tried
00:11:18to break the tension.
00:11:19I just asked her.
00:11:19That's all I said.
00:11:20I go, hey,
00:11:20where are you guys from anyway?
00:11:22And I could tell
00:11:23that she was on to me.
00:11:23She goes,
00:11:24very condescendingly,
00:11:25she says,
00:11:27I'm from California.
00:11:31If you're asking
00:11:32my ethnicity,
00:11:34I am Chinese.
00:11:36And her husband
00:11:37was just cool
00:11:38about this shit.
00:11:38He was like,
00:11:39I'm Mexican, bro.
00:11:43I said,
00:11:43well,
00:11:43I'm sorry
00:11:44if I offended you
00:11:45by asking,
00:11:45but you're a very
00:11:46beautiful couple
00:11:48and Miss,
00:11:48there's no question
00:11:49that you're going
00:11:49to give birth
00:11:50to the hardest
00:11:51working baby
00:11:52this world has ever seen.
00:11:58That's not a bad joke.
00:12:01She got very upset.
00:12:03She got up
00:12:03to leave immediately,
00:12:04but she didn't just leave.
00:12:06She had to take
00:12:06one last dig
00:12:07at me on the way out.
00:12:08I will never
00:12:10buy one of your
00:12:11fucking DVDs again,
00:12:13Dave Chappelle.
00:12:16I said,
00:12:16ma'am,
00:12:17with all due respect,
00:12:19Chinese people
00:12:20don't buy DVDs.
00:12:29And the crowd went crazy.
00:12:31We were all laughing,
00:12:32having a good time.
00:12:33I didn't even think
00:12:33anything of it.
00:12:34And then,
00:12:35just three days later,
00:12:36this lady sends
00:12:38a fucking letter
00:12:38to my promoter
00:12:39telling him not to book
00:12:41me for shows anymore
00:12:42because I was,
00:12:43quote,
00:12:43racist,
00:12:44huh?
00:12:44and,
00:12:46and I'm quoting her,
00:12:48insensitive to the nature
00:12:49of my interracial marriage.
00:12:51I was like,
00:12:52word, bitch,
00:12:53I was.
00:12:59If she had just done
00:13:00a little bit of research,
00:13:02she would know
00:13:03that I myself
00:13:05am in an interracial marriage.
00:13:08That's right.
00:13:11In fact,
00:13:12my wife is Asian too.
00:13:15Surprise, bitch.
00:13:16I'll see you on Thanksgiving.
00:13:24But my wife's not Chinese.
00:13:27She's Filipino.
00:13:29That's right.
00:13:30That's right.
00:13:31And our kids are Puerto Rican
00:13:32somehow,
00:13:33so there you go.
00:13:38I don't give a fuck
00:13:39about an interracial marriage.
00:13:40In fact,
00:13:40you know what?
00:13:41My mother is half white.
00:13:42A lot of people
00:13:43don't know that.
00:13:44All right,
00:13:45you were a little too excited,
00:13:46but okay.
00:13:50A lot of people
00:13:50don't believe me
00:13:51when I say that,
00:13:52but it's true.
00:13:52You can't tell
00:13:53looking at me,
00:13:56but if I grew my hair out,
00:13:59you would think
00:14:00you was at a fucking
00:14:01Cat Williams concert.
00:14:02My shit is,
00:14:04my shit is beautiful.
00:14:08But motherfuckers
00:14:09are just taking it too far.
00:14:10I don't know why
00:14:11or how everybody
00:14:12got this goddamn sensitive.
00:14:15You know who hates me
00:14:16the most?
00:14:16The transgender community.
00:14:19Oh, yeah,
00:14:20these motherfuckers.
00:14:20I mean,
00:14:20I didn't realize
00:14:21how bad it was.
00:14:22These motherfuckers
00:14:23are really mad
00:14:24about that last
00:14:25Netflix special.
00:14:33It's tough, man.
00:14:34I don't know
00:14:34what to do about it
00:14:35because I like them.
00:14:38I always have.
00:14:40Never had a problem
00:14:40with them.
00:14:41You know,
00:14:43just fucking around.
00:14:45As a matter of fact,
00:14:46I think I make fun
00:14:47of everybody,
00:14:48and I mean,
00:14:49as a group of people,
00:14:50they have to admit
00:14:51that it's kind of
00:14:54fucking hilarious, man.
00:14:55I'm sorry, bro.
00:14:56It's like,
00:14:58I've never seen somebody
00:14:59in such a hilarious
00:15:00predicament
00:15:01not have a sense
00:15:02of humor about it.
00:15:04They're born feeling
00:15:06like there's something
00:15:07other than they're born as,
00:15:08and that's...
00:15:11That's kind of funny,
00:15:12you know?
00:15:13I mean,
00:15:14it's funny if it's
00:15:15not happening to you.
00:15:18It's like that
00:15:19white black bitch
00:15:19that's in the news
00:15:20all the time.
00:15:23Rachel Dozer.
00:15:25She always says that.
00:15:28She's a white woman,
00:15:29but then she dressed up
00:15:30like a nigga
00:15:31and shot her way up
00:15:34to the very top
00:15:35of blackness.
00:15:39And I always wanted
00:15:40to meet her
00:15:40just so I could understand.
00:15:42I just wanted to, like,
00:15:43have dinner with her
00:15:44so I could just
00:15:44look in her eyes
00:15:46and call her a nigger
00:15:48to her face.
00:15:52The fuck is that bitch
00:15:53talking about?
00:15:54I identify as black.
00:15:55That is trans talk,
00:15:57ladies.
00:15:57Stop biting.
00:15:58Stop biting.
00:16:01There's a big difference
00:16:02between her and a trans.
00:16:03The difference
00:16:04between her and a trans
00:16:04is I believe transgenders.
00:16:06I don't understand
00:16:07them either,
00:16:08but I know
00:16:09they mean
00:16:10what they say.
00:16:12Them niggas
00:16:13cut their dicks off.
00:16:15That's all the proof
00:16:16I need.
00:16:18I've never seen
00:16:19somebody just
00:16:19throw their dick away.
00:16:20Don't need it.
00:16:23Don't need it.
00:16:25Don't need it.
00:16:27I don't understand,
00:16:29but I believe you
00:16:29when I support
00:16:30your decision,
00:16:31motherfucker.
00:16:33How far is
00:16:34Rachel willing to go?
00:16:35Hmm?
00:16:37What is Rachel willing
00:16:39to do so that
00:16:39we blacks can believe
00:16:41that she believes
00:16:42she's actually
00:16:43one of us?
00:16:46Bitch,
00:16:47are you willing
00:16:47to put a lien
00:16:48on your house
00:16:51so that you can invest
00:16:53in a mixtape
00:16:53that probably
00:16:54won't work out?
00:17:02She didn't even
00:17:03change her name.
00:17:05Didn't even
00:17:06change her name.
00:17:08Her name is
00:17:09Rachel.
00:17:09I can't believe
00:17:10even that name.
00:17:13If you want my support,
00:17:14you're going to have
00:17:15to change your name
00:17:16to the blackest shit
00:17:17I've ever heard.
00:17:20Bitch, you're going to have
00:17:21to change your name
00:17:21to Draymond Green.
00:17:26I don't know
00:17:27a blacker name
00:17:28than that.
00:17:29That shit is
00:17:30black on paper.
00:17:33If you type
00:17:34Draymond Green
00:17:35in the Airbnb,
00:17:37that shit
00:17:38will log off
00:17:39automatically.
00:17:50People get mad, bro.
00:17:52People get mad
00:17:53about everything I say.
00:17:55I was doing a show.
00:17:57I was in Portland, Oregon.
00:17:59And I was checked
00:18:00in a hotel
00:18:01under the name
00:18:02Charles Edward Cheese.
00:18:12I came back
00:18:13to my room
00:18:14late at night
00:18:17and there was
00:18:19a note.
00:18:20It was like a letter
00:18:21on my desk.
00:18:22It was addressed
00:18:22to Mr. Cheese.
00:18:24So, obviously,
00:18:25I'm going to assume
00:18:26that whoever wrote
00:18:27this letter
00:18:27must be an intimate
00:18:28friend of mine.
00:18:28This is not some kind
00:18:29of name that a person
00:18:30would just guess.
00:18:31But then I opened
00:18:31the letter
00:18:32and it turns out
00:18:33I don't know
00:18:33this person at all.
00:18:35It's a fan letter.
00:18:37You know,
00:18:37I'm not even used
00:18:38to the idea
00:18:38that I have fans,
00:18:40but I'm grateful for it.
00:18:41And even though
00:18:43I'm grateful for fans,
00:18:46I don't read
00:18:47those letters.
00:18:51It'd be nice
00:18:51if I did,
00:18:52but realistically,
00:18:53it's like,
00:18:54what am I,
00:18:54Santa Claus, nigga?
00:18:55I don't have time
00:18:55for this.
00:18:56I got shit I want to do.
00:18:58I'm trying to chill.
00:19:00Read all these dreams
00:19:01and wishes from strangers.
00:19:02But then,
00:19:02but I read it.
00:19:03I'd already opened it.
00:19:04So I just read
00:19:05the whole letter.
00:19:06And you know what, man?
00:19:08Whoever wrote this letter
00:19:10truly loves me.
00:19:12I mean,
00:19:12they were really
00:19:13fucking nice
00:19:14in the letter.
00:19:14And then they described
00:19:15to me what it was like
00:19:16to come to the show,
00:19:18how excited they were,
00:19:19how much fun
00:19:20they were having.
00:19:21And then they said
00:19:23that when I got
00:19:24to my jokes
00:19:24about transgenders,
00:19:26that they were,
00:19:27quote,
00:19:29devastated.
00:19:31Because it turns out
00:19:33that whoever wrote
00:19:33the letter
00:19:34was transgender.
00:19:35Now, I'm going to be
00:19:36real for a second.
00:19:38As a policy,
00:19:40you got to understand,
00:19:41I never feel bad
00:19:42about anything
00:19:44I say up here.
00:19:53And I would never
00:19:55admit this to you
00:19:56if I hadn't
00:19:56locked your phones up.
00:20:02But it was
00:20:03the weirdest thing.
00:20:03Like, when I read
00:20:04this letter,
00:20:06the shit made me
00:20:08feel bad.
00:20:08I didn't feel bad
00:20:09about what I said,
00:20:10you understand?
00:20:11I felt bad
00:20:12that I made
00:20:13somebody else feel bad.
00:20:15To be honest,
00:20:16I don't even know
00:20:16what I said
00:20:17that upset that person.
00:20:18I have so many
00:20:19transgender jokes.
00:20:26But I feel like,
00:20:28I feel like
00:20:29it was probably
00:20:31this joke
00:20:32I'm about to tell you
00:20:33right now.
00:20:37And it's not even
00:20:38that bad of a joke.
00:20:39It's a true joke.
00:20:40I mean, it's not true.
00:20:41But I had read
00:20:42in a paper
00:20:42that Caitlyn Jenner
00:20:44was contemplating
00:20:45posing nude
00:20:45in an upcoming issue
00:20:47of Sports Illustrated.
00:20:48And I know
00:20:51it's not politically
00:20:52correct to say
00:20:53these things.
00:20:53So I just figured,
00:20:54fuck it,
00:20:55I'll say it
00:20:55for everybody else.
00:20:58Yuck.
00:21:04You know,
00:21:05sometimes
00:21:05I just want
00:21:06to read some stats.
00:21:09I don't know
00:21:09why you're gonna
00:21:10cram some man pussy
00:21:11in the middle
00:21:11of the sports page
00:21:12like this.
00:21:14I just didn't think
00:21:15that was the place
00:21:15for it.
00:21:16But I wasn't saying
00:21:17anything like
00:21:17Caitlyn Jenner's
00:21:18a bad person.
00:21:19I'm not mad at her
00:21:20for doing it.
00:21:20I'm not even mad
00:21:21at Sports Illustrated.
00:21:22If I'm mad at somebody,
00:21:24I'm probably just
00:21:25mad at myself.
00:21:27You understand?
00:21:28Because deep down,
00:21:29I know that
00:21:30I am not
00:21:31strong enough
00:21:34to not look
00:21:35at those pictures.
00:21:41And I don't think
00:21:42I'm ready to see
00:21:43what she's trying
00:21:43to show me.
00:21:46So Caitlyn,
00:21:48God damn it,
00:21:49if you go through
00:21:49with this thing,
00:21:52bitch,
00:21:53you better go hard
00:21:54or go home.
00:21:56I want you to go
00:21:57all the way.
00:21:59Hustler style.
00:22:00Do you know
00:22:00what hustle style
00:22:00means, miss?
00:22:01That means
00:22:02spread the lips.
00:22:14Oh, she spreads
00:22:15her lips
00:22:16and there's
00:22:16a itty-bitty
00:22:16dick inside.
00:22:17Ah!
00:22:20The show
00:22:21is behind
00:22:22the curtains.
00:22:34I don't know
00:22:35what I said,
00:22:35that upset
00:22:36that person.
00:22:38But I'm going
00:22:39to tell you
00:22:39something.
00:22:40When I read
00:22:41that letter
00:22:42and the moments
00:22:43after I read
00:22:44it,
00:22:44I did something
00:22:46that many
00:22:46black men
00:22:47in America
00:22:48do not have
00:22:49the time
00:22:49or the money
00:22:50to do.
00:22:52I
00:22:53thought about
00:22:53how I felt.
00:22:59Asked myself
00:23:00a very basic
00:23:01question
00:23:01that I don't
00:23:01think I ever
00:23:02directly contemplated.
00:23:03I said,
00:23:03man,
00:23:04Dave,
00:23:04if you're
00:23:04writing all
00:23:05these jokes,
00:23:06do you have
00:23:06a problem
00:23:07with transgender
00:23:08people?
00:23:09And the answer
00:23:11is absolutely
00:23:13not.
00:23:14The fuck
00:23:15do you guys
00:23:15think I am?
00:23:16I don't understand
00:23:18all the choices
00:23:19that people make.
00:23:20But I do understand
00:23:21that life is hard
00:23:22and that those
00:23:23types of choices
00:23:24do not disqualify
00:23:25you from a life
00:23:26with dignity
00:23:27and happiness
00:23:28and safety
00:23:28and safety
00:23:29in it.
00:23:38But if I'm
00:23:39honest,
00:23:44my problem
00:23:46has never been
00:23:47with transgender
00:23:47people.
00:23:48My problem
00:23:49has always been
00:23:50with the dialogue
00:23:51about transgender
00:23:53people.
00:23:53I just feel
00:23:55like these
00:23:55things should
00:23:56not be discussed
00:23:57in front
00:23:58of the blacks.
00:24:02It's fucking
00:24:03insulting all
00:24:04this talk
00:24:04about how
00:24:05these people
00:24:06feel inside.
00:24:07Since when
00:24:07is America
00:24:08giving a fuck
00:24:09how any
00:24:10of us
00:24:11feel inside.
00:24:17And I cannot
00:24:18shake
00:24:19this awful
00:24:21suspicion
00:24:21that the only
00:24:22reason everybody
00:24:24is talking
00:24:24about transgenders
00:24:26is because
00:24:26white men
00:24:28want to do it.
00:24:29That's right.
00:24:30I just said that.
00:24:33If it was just
00:24:34women that felt
00:24:35that way
00:24:36or black dudes
00:24:37and Mexican dudes
00:24:38being like,
00:24:38hey, y'all,
00:24:39we feel like
00:24:39girls inside.
00:24:40They'd be like,
00:24:40shut up,
00:24:41nigger.
00:24:41No one has
00:24:41how you felt.
00:24:43Come on,
00:24:43everybody.
00:24:44We have
00:24:44strawberries to
00:24:45pick.
00:24:47It reeks
00:24:48of white
00:24:48privilege.
00:24:49You never
00:24:50asked yourself
00:24:51why it was
00:24:51easier for
00:24:52Bruce Jenner
00:24:52to change
00:24:53his gender
00:24:53than it was
00:24:54for Cassius
00:24:55Clay to
00:24:56change his
00:24:56fucking name?
00:25:05And if I
00:25:05were to be
00:25:06brutally honest,
00:25:09the only
00:25:09reason I
00:25:10ever been
00:25:10mad at
00:25:11the
00:25:11transgender
00:25:11community
00:25:12is because
00:25:13I was
00:25:13at a club
00:25:14in L.A.
00:25:15and danced
00:25:16with one
00:25:16of these
00:25:16niggas
00:25:17with six
00:25:17songs
00:25:17straight.
00:25:20I had no
00:25:21idea.
00:25:23And then the
00:25:24lights came up
00:25:25and I saw
00:25:25them knuckles.
00:25:26I said,
00:25:26oh,
00:25:26no!
00:25:28And everybody
00:25:29was laughing
00:25:30at me.
00:25:31World star.
00:25:36I said,
00:25:37why didn't
00:25:38you say
00:25:39anything?
00:25:41Then I heard
00:25:42that sultry
00:25:42voice.
00:25:44I didn't say
00:25:45anything,
00:25:45Dave Chappelle,
00:25:46because I was
00:25:47having a wonderful
00:25:48time.
00:25:50And I wasn't
00:25:51sure how you'd
00:25:52feel about it.
00:25:54I said,
00:25:55you knew how I'd
00:25:56feel.
00:25:59And she said,
00:26:00I'm going
00:26:01home.
00:26:02I don't want
00:26:02any trouble
00:26:02from you.
00:26:04I said,
00:26:04home,
00:26:05it's only
00:26:06two songs
00:26:06left.
00:26:07I mean,
00:26:07we might
00:26:07as well
00:26:10finish the
00:26:11night.
00:26:15And we
00:26:16ended up
00:26:16having breakfast
00:26:17together.
00:26:19Oh,
00:26:19grow up.
00:26:20That doesn't
00:26:20make me gay.
00:26:22I just
00:26:22titty fucked
00:26:23her.
00:26:26Titties
00:26:26are as
00:26:27real as
00:26:27any
00:26:27titties
00:26:28in
00:26:28LA.
00:26:29It was
00:26:29two o'clock
00:26:29in the
00:26:30morning.
00:26:30I was
00:26:30just borrowing
00:26:31a little
00:26:31friction
00:26:31from a
00:26:31stranger.
00:26:32Oops.
00:26:44It's the
00:26:45madness
00:26:45of youth.
00:26:46It's the
00:26:47types of
00:26:47mistakes the
00:26:48man makes
00:26:48when he's
00:26:49young.
00:26:49I wouldn't
00:26:49even know
00:26:50that it's
00:26:50necessarily
00:26:51a mistake.
00:26:51It was a
00:26:52wild night
00:26:52out.
00:26:54But I
00:26:55don't do
00:26:55it like
00:26:55that anymore.
00:26:56I'm old.
00:26:56I'm 44
00:26:57now.
00:27:02It's the
00:27:03first time
00:27:03in my life
00:27:04I've ever
00:27:04started to
00:27:05physically feel
00:27:06my age.
00:27:07It's tough,
00:27:08man.
00:27:09You know how
00:27:10I know I'm
00:27:10getting old?
00:27:10This is
00:27:11embarrassing,
00:27:11but I was
00:27:13in my hotel
00:27:14room.
00:27:16I'm not
00:27:16going to
00:27:17lie, I
00:27:17was jerking
00:27:17off.
00:27:19And I
00:27:20was really
00:27:20sweating it
00:27:21out.
00:27:24And this
00:27:24is when
00:27:25I knew
00:27:25I was
00:27:25old.
00:27:26I just
00:27:27gave up
00:27:27in the
00:27:27middle
00:27:27like
00:27:28nothing
00:27:28even
00:27:28happened.
00:27:37I don't
00:27:38like looking
00:27:39at my
00:27:39dick
00:27:39anymore.
00:27:41My
00:27:41dick
00:27:42looks
00:27:42distinguished.
00:27:44It's
00:27:44old,
00:27:45old-looking
00:27:45dick.
00:27:46It's
00:27:46got salt
00:27:47and pepper
00:27:48hair all
00:27:48around
00:27:49it.
00:27:51My
00:27:51dick
00:27:52looks
00:27:52like
00:27:52Morgan
00:27:52Freeman
00:27:53in
00:27:53the
00:27:5390s.
00:27:56Without
00:27:56the
00:27:57dots.
00:28:00My
00:28:01dick
00:28:01narrates.
00:28:02Dave
00:28:02pulled me
00:28:03out and
00:28:03started
00:28:04jerking me
00:28:04around and
00:28:05jerking me
00:28:06around.
00:28:07But not
00:28:08with the
00:28:08same
00:28:09vigors when
00:28:09he was
00:28:10young.
00:28:12He and
00:28:12I both
00:28:13knew
00:28:13nothing
00:28:13was
00:28:13coming
00:28:14out.
00:28:21I see
00:28:21my age
00:28:22and my
00:28:22children.
00:28:25I came
00:28:25home from
00:28:26the road.
00:28:26This is not
00:28:27long ago.
00:28:27I've been
00:28:28gone for
00:28:28if you can
00:28:29picture I
00:28:29was gone
00:28:30for weeks
00:28:30and weeks
00:28:31and when
00:28:32I came
00:28:32back nobody
00:28:33was home.
00:28:36Now one
00:28:37person in my
00:28:37family thought
00:28:38that maybe
00:28:39I'd like to
00:28:40see them
00:28:40when I got
00:28:41back.
00:28:42They knew
00:28:43when I was
00:28:43coming back
00:28:44but they
00:28:44just weren't
00:28:45home.
00:28:46And that
00:28:46shit was
00:28:47a wake
00:28:48up call.
00:28:49You know
00:28:49like when
00:28:50my kids
00:28:50were little
00:28:51and the
00:28:52tour bus
00:28:52would pull
00:28:53up to
00:28:53the house
00:28:53these
00:28:53motherfuckers
00:28:54would spill
00:28:55out.
00:28:57Dad is
00:28:57home.
00:28:58Hooray!
00:29:00And they'd
00:29:00hug me and
00:29:01kiss me and
00:29:01then as the
00:29:02years went
00:29:03on they'd
00:29:03get less
00:29:04interested.
00:29:04Hey
00:29:05everybody
00:29:05look it's
00:29:06Mr.
00:29:07Promises
00:29:07back from
00:29:08the road.
00:29:14But empty
00:29:14house
00:29:15that's
00:29:16some cold
00:29:17shit.
00:29:20And I went
00:29:20into my
00:29:20oldest son's
00:29:21room.
00:29:21I was like
00:29:22hello
00:29:22hello.
00:29:23He was
00:29:23gone.
00:29:24And I'd
00:29:24never done
00:29:24this thing
00:29:25before but
00:29:25for some
00:29:26reason I
00:29:26just did
00:29:26it.
00:29:26I just
00:29:27looked through
00:29:28his shit.
00:29:30Just to
00:29:31see who
00:29:31this
00:29:32motherfucker
00:29:32was
00:29:33becoming.
00:29:35And I
00:29:35found these
00:29:36notebooks and
00:29:36I started
00:29:37going through
00:29:37the notebooks
00:29:38and there
00:29:38was all
00:29:39this
00:29:39wonderful
00:29:40poetry in
00:29:40them.
00:29:41Written as
00:29:41his
00:29:42handwriting.
00:29:42I didn't
00:29:42even know
00:29:43this nigga
00:29:43wrote
00:29:44poems.
00:29:47And then
00:29:48I looked
00:29:48through his
00:29:48drawers and
00:29:49I opened
00:29:50up his
00:29:50middle
00:29:50drawer and
00:29:52I found
00:29:52his rolling
00:29:53paper.
00:29:56And I
00:29:56looked down
00:29:57at them
00:29:57papers like
00:29:57oh.
00:29:59That's where
00:30:00that poetry
00:30:01is coming
00:30:01from.
00:30:07And that
00:30:08shit broke
00:30:08my heart.
00:30:10I mean I
00:30:11smoke weed but
00:30:11I mourned my
00:30:12son's innocence.
00:30:14And I cried a
00:30:15little bit.
00:30:16And I took
00:30:17his papers upstairs
00:30:17to my room.
00:30:20Rolled some
00:30:21weed that I'd
00:30:21hid from the
00:30:22family.
00:30:23And I got
00:30:24really high.
00:30:26And then I
00:30:26got paranoid
00:30:28so I put
00:30:29his papers
00:30:29back how I
00:30:30found them.
00:30:32So he
00:30:33wouldn't know
00:30:33what I was
00:30:34up to.
00:30:37Snake won't
00:30:37even know
00:30:38that that
00:30:38happened
00:30:38until he
00:30:39sees a
00:30:39special.
00:30:43Dead
00:30:43nigga I
00:30:43found your
00:30:44papers.
00:30:48He's a cold
00:30:49motherfucker.
00:30:50Let me tell you
00:30:50this kid is only
00:30:5116 years old.
00:30:51Listen to what he
00:30:52did to me.
00:30:52This motherfucker
00:30:53calls me up in
00:30:55the middle of
00:30:56the night.
00:30:56It was 1 o'clock
00:30:57in the morning.
00:30:58He goes,
00:30:58Dad, don't be
00:30:59mad.
00:31:00I knew
00:31:01something was
00:31:02terribly wrong.
00:31:04I said,
00:31:04what's going on?
00:31:05He said,
00:31:06listen, I'm
00:31:06fine.
00:31:07And don't
00:31:07forget you
00:31:08told me to
00:31:08do this.
00:31:10I'm at a
00:31:11party and my
00:31:13designated driver
00:31:14had too much
00:31:14to drink.
00:31:15And me and
00:31:16my friends need
00:31:16you to come
00:31:17pick us up.
00:31:17I said,
00:31:18Jesus Christ,
00:31:19it's 1 o'clock
00:31:20in the morning,
00:31:20nigga.
00:31:21I am
00:31:21shitfaced.
00:31:33When I figured,
00:31:34fuck, it's
00:31:35better me
00:31:35than some
00:31:36kid.
00:31:39I might as
00:31:39well roll the
00:31:40dice and go
00:31:40pick my nigga up.
00:31:41I said,
00:31:42all right,
00:31:42I'm coming
00:31:42to get you.
00:31:46Just give me
00:31:47the address and
00:31:47I'll be right
00:31:48there.
00:31:49And then he
00:31:50gave me the
00:31:50address and I
00:31:51was shocked.
00:31:52I said,
00:31:53son, you
00:31:53are not
00:31:53going to
00:31:53believe this,
00:31:54but I'm
00:31:56at the same
00:31:57party,
00:31:58nigga.
00:32:10They go
00:32:10real fast,
00:32:11don't they?
00:32:13Can I ask
00:32:13you a weird
00:32:14question?
00:32:14I don't want
00:32:15to make you
00:32:15feel uncomfortable.
00:32:16You don't have
00:32:16to answer it.
00:32:17And if it
00:32:17doesn't go well,
00:32:18just edit it
00:32:18out anyway.
00:32:21Is it weird
00:32:22to be the
00:32:23only white
00:32:23people in a
00:32:24row?
00:32:29I mean,
00:32:30to be honest,
00:32:31does it feel
00:32:31strange?
00:32:32Are you worried
00:32:32at all?
00:32:34Give me your
00:32:35money,
00:32:35motherfucker.
00:32:35I'm just fucking
00:32:36around.
00:32:36I'm just gonna
00:32:36see it.
00:32:38This guy got
00:32:39ice in his veins.
00:32:40He didn't even
00:32:40buckle.
00:32:43you know,
00:32:44like many black
00:32:45men my age,
00:32:46the first time
00:32:47I voted was
00:32:48eight years ago.
00:32:54Right.
00:32:56I saw Obama
00:32:57on TV.
00:32:58I said,
00:32:58oh,
00:32:59I'm voting
00:32:59for this
00:32:59nigga.
00:33:03I remember
00:33:03the day
00:33:04I voted
00:33:04for Obama.
00:33:05I voted
00:33:06in Ohio.
00:33:07And my vote
00:33:08matters in Ohio.
00:33:10Ohio is a
00:33:11battleground state.
00:33:12But when I pulled
00:33:12up to the polls,
00:33:13all the soldiers
00:33:14were in line.
00:33:15There were so many
00:33:16black people in that
00:33:17goddamn line,
00:33:18I didn't even know
00:33:18it was the polls.
00:33:19I thought it was a
00:33:19check cashing place.
00:33:25We were hugging
00:33:26each other
00:33:27and old people
00:33:28were singing hymns
00:33:29and spirituals
00:33:29and shit.
00:33:30It was like
00:33:31the OJ verdict
00:33:33times 10
00:33:34or some shit.
00:33:35I've never seen
00:33:36black people
00:33:36that happy.
00:33:40Eight years later,
00:33:42I'm pulling up
00:33:42to the polls again.
00:33:44This time,
00:33:45I'm driving
00:33:45a brand new Porsche
00:33:47because the Obama
00:33:48years were very
00:33:49good to me.
00:33:57I was early
00:33:58voting.
00:33:59And when I parked
00:34:00my car,
00:34:01I figured out
00:34:02something that it
00:34:03would take the rest
00:34:04of the country
00:34:05another week to
00:34:06figure out.
00:34:07I understood
00:34:08that Donald Trump
00:34:09was going to be
00:34:09our next president
00:34:10because in Ohio,
00:34:12unlike D.C.,
00:34:13you could see
00:34:14the results
00:34:15in the parking lot.
00:34:16It's all these
00:34:17goddamn pickup trucks
00:34:19and tractors
00:34:20and shit.
00:34:30And then I walked up
00:34:31and I saw
00:34:32a long,
00:34:33long line
00:34:36of dusty white people.
00:34:43Yes, ladies and gentlemen,
00:34:44these were the poor whites.
00:34:47And I must tell you,
00:34:48I've never had a problem
00:34:49with white people
00:34:50ever in my life.
00:34:52But full disclosure,
00:34:55the poor whites
00:34:56are my least favorites.
00:35:00we've gotten a lot of trouble
00:35:02out of them.
00:35:05And I've never seen
00:35:06so many of them up close.
00:35:09I looked them right
00:35:10in their coal-smeared faces.
00:35:16And to my surprise,
00:35:18you know what I didn't see?
00:35:20I didn't see
00:35:22one deplorable face
00:35:25in that group.
00:35:26I saw some angry faces
00:35:28and some determined faces,
00:35:29but they felt like
00:35:30decent folk.
00:35:32No, they did.
00:35:33In fact,
00:35:34I'm not even lying
00:35:34and I didn't sound fucked up,
00:35:36but I felt sorry for them.
00:35:37I know the game now.
00:35:39I know that rich white people
00:35:41call poor white people trash.
00:35:44And the only reason
00:35:45I know that
00:35:46is because I made
00:35:47so much money last year,
00:35:49the rich whites
00:35:50told me they say it
00:35:51at a cocktail party.
00:35:57And I'm not with that shit.
00:35:59And I stood with them in line
00:36:01like all of us Americans
00:36:02are required to do
00:36:03in a democracy.
00:36:04Nobody skips the line
00:36:05to vote.
00:36:06And I listened to them.
00:36:08I listened to them
00:36:09say naive,
00:36:10poor white people things.
00:36:13Man, Donald Trump's
00:36:15going to go to Washington
00:36:16and he's going to
00:36:18fight for us.
00:36:20I'm standing there
00:36:21thinking in my mind,
00:36:22you dumb motherfucker.
00:36:30You are poor.
00:36:33He's fighting for me.
00:36:48And they all looked at me.
00:36:49They could tell
00:36:49who I was voting for
00:36:50just as easily
00:36:51as I could tell
00:36:52who they were voting for.
00:36:53But do you guys know
00:36:54what we all had in common?
00:36:56Not one of us,
00:36:57not a single one of us
00:36:59looked like we felt good
00:37:00about what we had
00:37:01to do in that booth.
00:37:03We were just doing
00:37:04our goddamn duty.
00:37:05Yes, I voted for Hillary Clinton.
00:37:07Of course I did.
00:37:11I voted for her
00:37:12because I liked
00:37:14what she said
00:37:15vastly better
00:37:16than I liked
00:37:18what he said.
00:37:21But to be honest with you,
00:37:22at that point,
00:37:23that shit was like
00:37:24watching Darth Vader
00:37:25do the
00:37:25I Have a Dream speech.
00:37:29That bitch is mean as hell.
00:37:30She had already
00:37:31Karate Kid swept
00:37:32Bernie Sanders legs
00:37:33from underneath him.
00:37:34Boy, it was hard
00:37:35voting for that shit.
00:37:37But that,
00:37:38it was the lesser
00:37:38of the evils.
00:37:39I know you were
00:37:40Clinton's supporter.
00:37:41I'm sorry to say it
00:37:42like that.
00:37:42It didn't feel bad
00:37:44voting for her,
00:37:45but it didn't feel
00:37:46as good as it should have.
00:37:48She was going to be
00:37:49our first woman president.
00:37:50They were going to make
00:37:51coins out of this bitch.
00:37:59And somehow
00:38:00she just missed the dunk.
00:38:03Of course she should
00:38:04have beat him.
00:38:05Of course she should
00:38:05have beat him.
00:38:06You know what
00:38:06voting for her felt like?
00:38:07It was bittersweet.
00:38:09It felt like
00:38:10I was lucky enough
00:38:11to eat Halle Berry's pussy.
00:38:16And whilst I was doing so,
00:38:19she fucking farted
00:38:20in my face, man.
00:38:30And you understand,
00:38:31I'd still do it.
00:38:35But boy, I wish
00:38:36she didn't fart
00:38:36in this great nation's face.
00:38:42I voted that day
00:38:43and then that same day
00:38:44I flew to New York City.
00:38:46I had work.
00:38:48That night I was
00:38:49in a comedy club
00:38:50in New York
00:38:50and I said to an audience,
00:38:52almost exactly
00:38:53what I just said to you.
00:38:55And I didn't know
00:38:56that there was
00:38:57a journalist in the room.
00:38:58And this journalist
00:38:59wrote an article.
00:39:01The headline of the article
00:39:02said,
00:39:02Dave Chappelle
00:39:03is an avid
00:39:06Donald Trump supporter.
00:39:09Yeah.
00:39:10I had no idea
00:39:11the paper said that.
00:39:12And you know how
00:39:13I found out?
00:39:13My wife called me
00:39:15from Ohio
00:39:15the next morning
00:39:16in a goddamn panic.
00:39:18David.
00:39:20David,
00:39:20what the fuck
00:39:22is going on
00:39:23in New York?
00:39:26I said,
00:39:26I'm being good,
00:39:27but what have you heard?
00:39:36And my wife said,
00:39:37the paper is saying
00:39:38that you're
00:39:39a Donald Trump supporter.
00:39:40I was like,
00:39:41whew.
00:39:47I said,
00:39:48don't worry about
00:39:49that shit, baby.
00:39:51Nobody in their right mind
00:39:52would believe that.
00:39:53And she said,
00:39:54no, David,
00:39:55people believe it.
00:39:57And then she started
00:39:58reading the comments
00:39:59to me.
00:40:00Oh, they were terrible.
00:40:02All these black people
00:40:04calling me all kinds
00:40:05of Uncle Toms and shit.
00:40:07I should tell you,
00:40:08buddy,
00:40:08this is a very serious
00:40:09allegation
00:40:10from one black
00:40:11to another.
00:40:15I was incensed.
00:40:17Uncle Tom!
00:40:19How am I Uncle Tom, nigga?
00:40:21You the one
00:40:22that reads The Observer?
00:40:26Anyway,
00:40:27all this shit goes down.
00:40:30And, uh,
00:40:31Saturday night rolls around
00:40:33and now Trump
00:40:34is the president
00:40:34and I'm hosting
00:40:36Saturday Night Live.
00:40:43And I didn't really,
00:40:45like, prepare my monologue.
00:40:46I just kind of winged it.
00:40:48And at the end
00:40:49of the monologue,
00:40:50I don't even remember
00:40:50what I said.
00:40:51I said something like,
00:40:52you know,
00:40:52fuck it,
00:40:52like, we're historically
00:40:54disenfranchised
00:40:55and we're gonna give him,
00:40:55something about we're gonna
00:40:56give him a chance
00:40:57if he gives us a chance.
00:40:58I don't know what I said,
00:40:59but whatever I said,
00:41:00I really wish
00:41:01I didn't say that shit.
00:41:05It was not worth the trouble.
00:41:08Now I walk into the barbershop
00:41:09and all them black people
00:41:10just be looking at me like,
00:41:11yo, Dave,
00:41:12what's up with your boy?
00:41:13Yo, nigga, yo!
00:41:17It's not my boy.
00:41:21Because I don't care
00:41:22if you're a Republican
00:41:22or Democrat,
00:41:23if you support him or not,
00:41:24any objective person
00:41:26is gonna have to admit
00:41:27that this motherfucker
00:41:29is having a terrible go of it.
00:41:35It really is.
00:41:39We've had presidents before
00:41:41that have done bad jobs,
00:41:43but this shit is worse
00:41:44than a bad job.
00:41:46It's scary to watch.
00:41:49Holy shit,
00:41:50it's like seeing a crack pipe
00:41:51in your Uber driver's passenger seat.
00:41:58What the fuck is wrong
00:42:00with this guy?
00:42:02Yo,
00:42:03he is lunching, nigga.
00:42:04I watched,
00:42:06I watched Donald Trump
00:42:09in a press conference,
00:42:10and this motherfucker
00:42:11had all the media gathered,
00:42:13and this nigga literally,
00:42:15literally asked the media
00:42:17to their face
00:42:18to stop finding shit out.
00:42:20I was like,
00:42:21yo,
00:42:23yo,
00:42:23this motherfucker
00:42:24is bugging.
00:42:26And then,
00:42:27I'm not even making this up,
00:42:29his lips started sweating.
00:42:32His lips.
00:42:33Have you ever seen
00:42:35a motherfucker's
00:42:36lip sweat?
00:42:39What the fuck's wrong
00:42:40with this nigga's lips?
00:42:42It's like if you're on a plane, right?
00:42:44You ever been on a plane?
00:42:45I get scared to fly.
00:42:47I do it all the time.
00:42:48I be scared on there.
00:42:49And sometimes the plane
00:42:50will hit turbulence.
00:42:51And then I get nervous,
00:42:52but I always look
00:42:53at the flight attendant,
00:42:54and she looks calm,
00:42:55and it makes me feel calm.
00:42:58But if that bitch's lips
00:43:00were sweating...
00:43:05It's terrifying.
00:43:06Like, yo, nigga,
00:43:06why are your lips sweating?
00:43:07What do you know?
00:43:11And then,
00:43:12I'm not even making this shit up,
00:43:14this motherfucker grabbed the podium,
00:43:15he goes,
00:43:16you don't know
00:43:17how scary
00:43:18the things I read
00:43:20in my briefings are.
00:43:22And I was like,
00:43:22holy shit, man,
00:43:23you ain't supposed
00:43:24to tell us that, bro.
00:43:27That's bad leadership.
00:43:30Even as a parent,
00:43:31you think I'm gonna
00:43:32sit my kids there?
00:43:32Hey, little man,
00:43:33come here real quick.
00:43:33I'm gonna holler at you
00:43:34for a second.
00:43:36Yo, um...
00:43:39I'm three months behind
00:43:40on the rent, nigga,
00:43:41and I am worried.
00:43:44Very worried.
00:43:47Go and go to school
00:43:48and have a productive day,
00:43:49nigga.
00:43:49I was just thinking out loud,
00:43:51getting some shit
00:43:51off my chest.
00:43:52Like, what the fuck
00:43:53are you doing, bro?
00:43:57This is bad, man.
00:44:04Jesus Christ.
00:44:07All this motherfucker's ideas
00:44:09sound like
00:44:10high people ideas.
00:44:12Like, he doesn't think
00:44:13these things through
00:44:14before he tells us.
00:44:15He just tells us
00:44:16what he's thinking
00:44:16as soon as it occurs to him.
00:44:18This shit sounds nuts.
00:44:20I'm gonna go to China
00:44:22and I'm gonna get
00:44:23those jobs from China
00:44:25and bring them back
00:44:26here to America.
00:44:30For what, nigga?
00:44:31So iPhones can be $9,000?
00:44:35Leave that job
00:44:36in China where it belongs.
00:44:38None of us
00:44:39want to work that hard.
00:44:42What the fuck
00:44:43is he thinking?
00:44:47I want to wear Nikes.
00:44:48I don't want to make
00:44:49them shits.
00:44:50What the fuck
00:44:50are you doing?
00:44:54Stop trying
00:44:55to give us
00:44:56Chinese jobs.
00:45:00I am going
00:45:01to bring back coal.
00:45:04Coal!
00:45:07I'm not even
00:45:08exaggerating.
00:45:09I have never
00:45:10in my life
00:45:12even seen
00:45:13a fucking lump
00:45:14of coal.
00:45:16I honestly
00:45:17don't even know
00:45:18what coal is for.
00:45:19more.
00:45:22If you're gonna have
00:45:23motherfuckers
00:45:24digging around
00:45:24in the dirt
00:45:25looking for shit
00:45:25find me some truffles,
00:45:27nigga.
00:45:28That's what I'm about.
00:45:30And these
00:45:31truffle prices
00:45:32are getting out of control.
00:45:34If it gets any worse
00:45:35I'm gonna be back down
00:45:36to regular butter
00:45:37like everybody else.
00:45:43terrible, terrible, terrible job.
00:45:46This motherfucker
00:45:47hit North Korea
00:45:48with rap battle threats.
00:45:50Fire and fury
00:45:52like,
00:45:52yo!
00:45:54Yo!
00:45:55What are you doing?
00:46:01It's fucking Korea, man.
00:46:04Kim Jong-un
00:46:05is a scary motherfucker.
00:46:06He might be
00:46:07as crazy as Trump.
00:46:12Scary shit.
00:46:14And if you're one of them
00:46:15naive motherfuckers
00:46:16that thinks
00:46:17that a war with Korea
00:46:18is gonna be easy
00:46:19then you
00:46:20don't play
00:46:21Call of Duty
00:46:21at 3 a.m.
00:46:22like I do.
00:46:24Because that's when
00:46:25the Koreans play.
00:46:27Fucking 8-year-old Korean kid
00:46:29took out my whole
00:46:29goddamn platoon
00:46:30last night.
00:46:40I've never seen
00:46:41somebody in an office
00:46:42so high
00:46:43with the most
00:46:43just basic
00:46:45fucking solutions.
00:46:46Like, you know.
00:46:47We should not let
00:46:48any more Muslims
00:46:49in the country
00:46:50till we can figure out
00:46:51what's going on.
00:46:52Did he just say
00:46:54figure out
00:46:55what's going on?
00:46:57Who doesn't know
00:46:58how to do
00:46:59basic math?
00:47:00Let's count it out.
00:47:01Okay?
00:47:02There's been 17
00:47:02mass shootings
00:47:03in the United States.
00:47:05Four of them
00:47:05were done by Muslims.
00:47:07None of those
00:47:07four Muslims
00:47:08were from any
00:47:09of the seven countries
00:47:10in your stupid-ass
00:47:10original band.
00:47:19and since he bought it up,
00:47:20the other 13 shootings
00:47:22were done by the
00:47:24Tiki-Torch whites.
00:47:28These are facts.
00:47:30And you don't see me
00:47:31trying to ban
00:47:32white people
00:47:32from the show
00:47:33to keep the rest
00:47:34of the audience safe.
00:47:36It's a fucking
00:47:37terrible idea
00:47:38because it's mean
00:47:39and it's racist
00:47:40and most importantly,
00:47:42it would be
00:47:43catastrophic
00:47:44to my bottom line.
00:47:49If there were no
00:47:50white people here tonight,
00:47:51I might leave this bitch
00:47:52with $1,800.
00:47:55This man needs to realize
00:47:57that we all need
00:47:59each other.
00:47:59And that's why
00:48:01we will never,
00:48:03ever be able
00:48:03to beat China
00:48:04because everybody
00:48:05in America is racist
00:48:06and everybody
00:48:07in China is Chinese.
00:48:13This motherfucking
00:48:14called it all wrong.
00:48:15And don't believe
00:48:16the media either
00:48:17because as all
00:48:18this shit is happening,
00:48:19the media is trying
00:48:20to make us believe
00:48:21that the extremities
00:48:22amongst us
00:48:23are the norms.
00:48:24We can disagree.
00:48:25That's fine.
00:48:27And most of us
00:48:28are keeping
00:48:28a cool head
00:48:29about this shit.
00:48:31You know what I mean?
00:48:31Americans generally
00:48:33respect one another's beliefs
00:48:34even if they don't
00:48:35share those beliefs.
00:48:36I know I do.
00:48:37I respect everybody's beliefs
00:48:39except Amish people.
00:48:43Because they are
00:48:44the only ones
00:48:45that I can say clearly
00:48:46their God is wrong.
00:48:50The speed limit
00:48:51is 75 miles an hour
00:48:54in Ohio
00:48:55and one lane
00:48:57of traffic
00:48:57is blocked
00:48:58by a goddamn
00:48:59horse and buggy.
00:49:02Nigga,
00:49:03your God
00:49:03is ridiculous.
00:49:08All the Amish people
00:49:10around my way
00:49:10know me too.
00:49:11Not from television,
00:49:13obviously.
00:49:16They know me
00:49:17from the streets.
00:49:19because when I see
00:49:20them horse and buggy
00:49:21I'll pull the Porsche
00:49:22over and talk to them.
00:49:27Ezekiel.
00:49:29Ezekiel,
00:49:30are you sure
00:49:31that God
00:49:31doesn't want you
00:49:32to have any
00:49:32of this technology
00:49:33or this energy?
00:49:35Huh?
00:49:37Hmm?
00:49:39Huh?
00:49:40I can't hear you,
00:49:40nigga.
00:49:41Let me turn
00:49:41this air condition off.
00:49:42What did you say?
00:49:47And them niggas be like,
00:49:48get away from me, ye.
00:49:51Ye try
00:49:52to tempt me
00:49:53like the devil.
00:49:55Devil?
00:49:57Nah, bro.
00:49:58I'm trying to put you
00:49:58on to the game,
00:49:59Zeke.
00:50:01It's a big world
00:50:02out here, nigga.
00:50:02I just went
00:50:0325 miles
00:50:04in 30 minutes.
00:50:06That's a day's
00:50:07journey for you.
00:50:11You don't even know
00:50:12what the weather's
00:50:12going to be tomorrow,
00:50:13do you?
00:50:15I do.
00:50:18You don't even know
00:50:19that there's a valuable
00:50:20Pokemon right
00:50:21on your shoulder.
00:50:22Beep.
00:50:23Ta-ta.
00:50:24Then I drive away.
00:50:28Huh?
00:50:31Oh, my vape pen?
00:50:33You want to hit
00:50:34my vape pen?
00:50:35Oh, sorry, nigga.
00:50:36I'm trying not
00:50:37to get herpes.
00:50:38My bad.
00:50:42I've been playing
00:50:43cat and mouse
00:50:44with herpes
00:50:44for 30 years now,
00:50:45but every night
00:50:47I go to the club,
00:50:48I'll be like,
00:50:48not tonight, herpes.
00:50:53No disrespect.
00:50:54I'm not saying
00:50:54you have herpes.
00:50:55I'm just saying
00:50:56one out of five
00:50:57people do,
00:50:58so let's just, uh,
00:51:00let's just all
00:51:00be careful around
00:51:01this motherfucker
00:51:02and make sure
00:51:02that we leave
00:51:04with the lips
00:51:04we came with.
00:51:14Sometimes I think
00:51:15that the media
00:51:16is hard on Trump
00:51:17because I'll see
00:51:18shit that they
00:51:19get on him about
00:51:20that doesn't seem
00:51:20bad to me.
00:51:22I mean,
00:51:22a nigga got on Trump
00:51:23about not staying
00:51:25in the White House
00:51:25enough.
00:51:26It gives a fuck.
00:51:27This motherfucker
00:51:27was rich.
00:51:29Used to shit
00:51:30in the gold toilet.
00:51:32It's true.
00:51:33I don't know
00:51:34if you've ever
00:51:34been to the White
00:51:34House.
00:51:35It looks like
00:51:35a very nice
00:51:36place to work,
00:51:36but I wouldn't
00:51:38want to live
00:51:38in that Scooby-Doo
00:51:39ass house either.
00:51:40That shit's
00:51:42terrifying looking.
00:51:44Imagine you
00:51:45trying to jerk
00:51:45off in the crib
00:51:46and Abraham Lincoln's
00:51:47just looking at you.
00:51:53Like...
00:51:57Shit, Bush
00:51:57didn't stay there
00:51:58either.
00:51:58He was rich too.
00:51:59He was like,
00:51:59fuck that,
00:52:00I'm going to my
00:52:00ranch in Texas.
00:52:02Obama was the
00:52:03first motherfucker
00:52:03to move into
00:52:03the White House
00:52:04like,
00:52:05this is a nice
00:52:05place.
00:52:08Look at this rug.
00:52:20The media got on
00:52:21him about putting
00:52:21Jared Kushner
00:52:22in his cabinet,
00:52:23and I didn't think
00:52:24that that was the
00:52:24worst thing he'd done.
00:52:25I mean,
00:52:25it was still early,
00:52:26and I mean,
00:52:27it's not unprecedented.
00:52:28Kennedy had his
00:52:29brother as the
00:52:30attorney general,
00:52:30right?
00:52:31And some motherfuckers
00:52:32are watching it
00:52:33outside.
00:52:33I'd be honest with
00:52:34you, I'd probably
00:52:35do the same thing.
00:52:36As a matter of
00:52:37fact, I do.
00:52:38You think I go to
00:52:39a Hollywood meeting
00:52:40with all them white
00:52:40folks by myself?
00:52:44I bring my nigga
00:52:45Mack Mittens
00:52:46from the streets.
00:52:48I don't even know
00:52:49his real name.
00:52:50Everybody just calls
00:52:50him Mack Mittens.
00:52:52But I know he's not
00:52:54qualified to even
00:52:55listen to these
00:52:56meetings, but this
00:52:57motherfucker just
00:52:58makes me feel good.
00:53:00And all the white
00:53:01people look at me
00:53:01like, Dave,
00:53:02do you mind
00:53:02asking your friend
00:53:03Mack Mittens
00:53:04to excuse us
00:53:04so that we can
00:53:05talk business?
00:53:06And I say,
00:53:07fuck that.
00:53:09Anything you say
00:53:09to me,
00:53:10Mack Mittens
00:53:10can hear that
00:53:11shit.
00:53:13He listened
00:53:14to the whole
00:53:15meeting.
00:53:16When they done
00:53:16talking, I just
00:53:17look over at
00:53:18Mack Mittens,
00:53:18and if he gives
00:53:19me the signal,
00:53:19meow, meow,
00:53:22I'll sign the
00:53:23papers.
00:53:25It's a gut
00:53:26check.
00:53:27Well, how
00:53:28about this one?
00:53:29Remember when
00:53:30it was the day
00:53:31after the election
00:53:32and the president
00:53:33of Taiwan called
00:53:34Donald Trump to
00:53:34congratulate him?
00:53:36And Donald Trump,
00:53:37you know, of course,
00:53:38took the call and
00:53:38talked to the
00:53:39president of Taiwan.
00:53:41The problem with
00:53:42that was Taiwan
00:53:44doesn't have a
00:53:45president.
00:53:47The United States
00:53:48functions on what
00:53:49they call a
00:53:49one-China policy,
00:53:51and Taiwan is a
00:53:53renegade province
00:53:54of said China.
00:53:55And Donald Trump
00:53:56didn't know that
00:53:57and picked up the
00:53:59phone and started
00:53:59yammering away,
00:54:00and the media
00:54:02ate his ass up.
00:54:03And I'm not gonna
00:54:04lie, I was laughing
00:54:05like shit.
00:54:06I was like,
00:54:06oh, shit,
00:54:07this dumb
00:54:07motherfucker is
00:54:08in trouble.
00:54:13And then that
00:54:13night, I was in
00:54:14bed, drifting off
00:54:15to sleep, and
00:54:16then I had to
00:54:17admit it to
00:54:18myself.
00:54:18I was like,
00:54:20I didn't know
00:54:21that shit either.
00:54:28And then I
00:54:29realized the media
00:54:30got the story
00:54:30wrong.
00:54:31The story wasn't
00:54:32that Donald Trump
00:54:33took the call.
00:54:34The biggest story
00:54:35is that nobody
00:54:37told Donald Trump
00:54:38not to take the
00:54:40call.
00:54:41That's terrifying.
00:54:42God damn,
00:54:42nigga, you don't
00:54:43have a Mac Mittens
00:54:44on your team.
00:54:47It wasn't like
00:54:48they were calling
00:54:49the White House,
00:54:49they were calling
00:54:50the switchboard at
00:54:51Trump Towers, and
00:54:51they were getting
00:54:52through, anybody.
00:54:53Mr. President,
00:54:54there's a Ricky
00:54:55Ticky Tabby on
00:54:56the phone for you.
00:54:57Yes, put him
00:54:58through.
00:54:58Hello, hello,
00:54:59Ricky Ticky, good
00:55:00to talk to you.
00:55:02Mr. President,
00:55:02there's a John
00:55:03Jacob Jingleheimer
00:55:04Smith on the
00:55:04phone.
00:55:05His name is my
00:55:06name, too.
00:55:07Put him through.
00:55:08Hello, hello,
00:55:09John Jacob, let's
00:55:10talk business.
00:55:15How many people
00:55:16in this room are
00:55:18not originally from
00:55:18the United States?
00:55:20My round of
00:55:21applause.
00:55:23Where are you
00:55:24from, bro?
00:55:24You right there.
00:55:26You're from
00:55:26Iraq?
00:55:27Ew.
00:55:31I'm just
00:55:31fucking around.
00:55:32How long have
00:55:33you been here in
00:55:33this country?
00:55:3523 years.
00:55:3623 years?
00:55:37Are you a citizen
00:55:37yet?
00:55:38You are?
00:55:39Congratulations,
00:55:40nigga, congratulations.
00:55:42Well, welcome to
00:55:43this great land.
00:55:46You know, I'm
00:55:47going to give you
00:55:47a history lesson
00:55:48because I'm sure
00:55:49this wasn't on
00:55:50your entry exam.
00:55:52But every
00:55:53naturalized American
00:55:54has heard something
00:55:55about what I'm
00:55:55about to tell you.
00:55:57A picture is the
00:55:57early 50s in the
00:55:58United States.
00:55:59This 14-year-old boy
00:56:01goes down from
00:56:03Chicago to Mississippi
00:56:04to meet his
00:56:05extended family for
00:56:07the first time.
00:56:07He'd never been to
00:56:08Mississippi.
00:56:08And before he
00:56:09went, his mother
00:56:11said to him,
00:56:12very pointedly,
00:56:13she said,
00:56:14if a white man
00:56:15looks you in
00:56:15your eyes
00:56:16in Mississippi,
00:56:18look away.
00:56:19And I don't know
00:56:20what you know
00:56:21about black people
00:56:22from Chicago,
00:56:23but they're not
00:56:25as scared people.
00:56:28And legend has it,
00:56:29he was in front
00:56:30of a convenience
00:56:31store,
00:56:31hanging out
00:56:31with his cousins,
00:56:32having a good time,
00:56:34and a white woman
00:56:35walked out of the
00:56:36store,
00:56:37and he thought
00:56:38she was pretty,
00:56:38and he said,
00:56:41bye, baby,
00:56:43not realizing
00:56:44that he had just
00:56:45made a fatal mistake.
00:56:47Four days later,
00:56:49four days later,
00:56:51a group of adult
00:56:52white men
00:56:53burst into
00:56:54this family's home
00:56:55and snatched
00:56:56a 14-year-old boy
00:56:58out of bed
00:56:59in front of his family
00:57:00that was powerless
00:57:02to stop them,
00:57:03and he was never
00:57:04seen alive again.
00:57:06His name
00:57:08was Emmett Till.
00:57:10They found his body
00:57:11maybe a few days later.
00:57:13It was in a creek
00:57:14tied to a wheel
00:57:16so it would sink,
00:57:17horribly beaten
00:57:18and bloated.
00:57:19Hideous.
00:57:21And lucky for
00:57:22everybody in America,
00:57:24his mother
00:57:26was a fucking gangster.
00:57:30She was.
00:57:36If you can imagine,
00:57:38in the very midst
00:57:39of a mother's
00:57:40worst nightmare,
00:57:41this woman had
00:57:42the foresight
00:57:43to think about everybody.
00:57:44She said,
00:57:45leave my son's
00:57:46casket open.
00:57:48She said,
00:57:49the world needs
00:57:50to see
00:57:50what they did
00:57:51to my baby.
00:57:53And every publication
00:57:55here in the United States
00:57:56from Jet Magazine
00:57:57all the way
00:57:57to the New York Times
00:57:59had this boy's
00:58:00horribly bloated body
00:58:01on its cover.
00:58:02And if our civil rights
00:58:04movement was a car,
00:58:07this boy's dead body
00:58:08was premium gas.
00:58:10This was a very
00:58:11definitive moment
00:58:12in American history
00:58:13where every thinking
00:58:14and feeling person
00:58:15was like,
00:58:15ugh,
00:58:15we gotta do better
00:58:16than this.
00:58:18And they fought beautifully
00:58:19and here we all are.
00:58:22APPLAUSE
00:58:27And the reason
00:58:28that I bring
00:58:30that up tonight
00:58:31and why it's
00:58:32relevant now
00:58:33is because
00:58:33less than a year ago,
00:58:35the woman that he
00:58:36allegedly whistled at
00:58:38admitted on her
00:58:39deathbed
00:58:40that she lied
00:58:42in her court testimony.
00:58:45And you can imagine
00:58:47when we read that shit,
00:58:48we was like,
00:58:49ooh,
00:58:50you lying-ass bitch.
00:58:54It was furious.
00:58:56But that was
00:58:57my initial reaction.
00:58:59And initial reactions
00:59:00that we all learned
00:59:01as we get older
00:59:02are often wrong
00:59:03or more often incomplete.
00:59:06They call this phenomenon
00:59:08standing too close
00:59:09to an elephant.
00:59:10The analogy being
00:59:11that if you stand
00:59:12too close to an elephant,
00:59:13you can't see the elephant.
00:59:15All you see
00:59:16is its penis-like skin.
00:59:19LAUGHTER
00:59:21You gotta step back
00:59:22and give it a better look.
00:59:24And on stepping back
00:59:25and thinking about it
00:59:27for a few moments,
00:59:28I realized
00:59:28that it must have been
00:59:30very difficult
00:59:30for this woman
00:59:31to tell a truth
00:59:32that heinous about herself
00:59:34at any point in her life,
00:59:35even the very end.
00:59:37And I was grateful
00:59:38that she had the courage
00:59:39to tell it
00:59:40before she left this world
00:59:41because it's an important truth
00:59:43and we need it to know.
00:59:45And I said to myself,
00:59:46well, thank you
00:59:47for telling the truth,
00:59:49you lying-ass bitch.
00:59:51LAUGHTER
00:59:53APPLAUSE
00:59:55And then...
00:59:57time goes on
00:59:59and then after time
01:00:00you can kind of see
01:00:01the whole elephant
01:00:02and it's humbling
01:00:04because you realize
01:00:05that this woman lied
01:00:06and that lie
01:00:08caused the murder.
01:00:10But that murder
01:00:12set in motion
01:00:13a sequence of events
01:00:14that made my wonderful life possible,
01:00:17that made this very night possible.
01:00:19How could this be
01:00:21that this lie
01:00:22could make the world
01:00:24a better place?
01:00:26It's maddening.
01:00:27And that's how I feel
01:00:29about this president.
01:00:31I feel like
01:00:33this motherfucker
01:00:34might be the lie
01:00:36that saves a soul.
01:00:38LAUGHTER
01:00:39Because I have never felt
01:00:41more American
01:00:43than when we all
01:00:44hate on this motherfucker together.
01:00:46LAUGHTER
01:00:47Jesus Christ.
01:00:48It's good.
01:00:51And when it happens,
01:00:53I can see everybody
01:00:55that's struggling.
01:00:56So if I'm on stage
01:00:58and I tell a joke
01:00:59that makes you want
01:01:00to beat up a transgender,
01:01:00then you're probably
01:01:02a piece of shit
01:01:02and don't come see me anymore.
01:01:04LAUGHTER
01:01:05Or if you don't understand
01:01:06that when a football player
01:01:07takes a knee
01:01:08during the national anthem,
01:01:09he's actually standing up for me,
01:01:12then you might not
01:01:13want to fuck with me anymore.
01:01:16But I swear,
01:01:17no matter how bad it gets,
01:01:19you're my countryman
01:01:21and I know for a fact
01:01:23that I'm determined
01:01:23to work shit out with y'all.
01:01:25And if that woman
01:01:26that said that heinous lie
01:01:27was alive today,
01:01:29I would thank her for lying.
01:01:30And then I would
01:01:32kick her in the pussy.
01:01:34LAUGHTER
01:01:34Thank you very much,
01:01:35Washington, D.C.
01:01:37God bless you
01:01:38and good night.
01:01:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:01:58REACHING THROUGH THE LARGEST
01:02:04It's a day
01:02:06Just like him
01:02:09Breaking through the darkness
01:02:11A material I write
01:02:13could drive the tears
01:02:14of a thousand peers
01:02:15for a thousand years
01:02:17and a thousand cheers
01:02:18won't erase my fears
01:02:20I'm better off living life
01:02:21where Jesus is
01:02:23Not an eighth of the years
01:02:24but them Christian kids
01:02:25A little too judgmental
01:02:27about my sins
01:02:28And I aim to win
01:02:30but I miss the mark
01:02:31Paul, Peter and Joseph
01:02:33when I depart
01:02:34But I follow my heart
01:02:35without any disguise
01:02:37Blood dripping from my sleeve
01:02:39cause my heart
01:02:39don't see that intentions
01:02:41are covered with smiles
01:02:42and positivity
01:02:43Behind the fake
01:02:44is a snake
01:02:45that could murder me
01:02:46Murder!
01:02:47Life's filled with things
01:02:48you never heard of
01:02:49Been trying to get it
01:02:50since niggas
01:02:51was reading word up
01:02:52Struggles that I've been through
01:02:53make the average man curl up
01:02:55God's son coming
01:02:56Grandma saying
01:02:57Hurry up
01:02:57Hurry up
01:02:58Hey, I'm coming
01:03:01Reaching out a dream
01:03:03Just like him
01:03:07Reaching through the darkness
01:03:10Gloria
01:03:12It's a day
01:03:13Just like him
01:03:17Bringing through the darkness
01:03:20Hey, yo, scriptures I spit
01:03:21They be glossy in nature
01:03:23Themes that I dream
01:03:24in my mind might save ya
01:03:26I am no savior
01:03:27Seen as an ambassador
01:03:29Dance around a bull
01:03:30with a cape
01:03:31like a matador
01:03:39I'm rich, biatch!
01:03:41JumpP...
01:03:41Reaching...
01:03:43I will regret
01:03:48it You need a
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