Chris Rock's third HBO comedy special shows him performing his stand-up routine at Apollo Theater in Harlem.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup #chrisrock #chrisrockcomedy #chrisrockstandup
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup #chrisrock #chrisrockcomedy #chrisrockstandup
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00:00:21Oh, my God!
00:00:23Is it real?
00:00:24Oh, my God!
00:00:25Is it real?
00:00:26Oh, my God!
00:00:28Excuse me, Dougie Frank!
00:00:30Yes!
00:00:30It's a party over here!
00:00:32It's over here!
00:00:33Party back here!
00:00:34It's like over here!
00:00:35Everybody scream!
00:00:37Yeah!
00:00:39It's pretty great!
00:00:40Yo, here's a little something that needs to be done.
00:00:42Come on, I was going downtown.
00:00:44Perfectly!
00:00:45Chilling all alone, no one to be with.
00:00:47Except on the season.
00:00:48Two hundred and fifty.
00:00:49So pretty girl!
00:00:50So!
00:00:51Sat beside her.
00:00:52Then she went water.
00:00:53She was told me to talk with.
00:00:54Yo, Doug, do that record jam on the field.
00:00:57Look at that!
00:00:58Ladies and gentlemen!
00:01:01Yeah!
00:01:02Live from the world-famous Apollo Theater in Harlem, New York!
00:01:08Yeah!
00:01:09Yeah!
00:01:12Yeah!
00:01:14Yeah!
00:01:18Yeah!
00:01:21Yeah!
00:01:22Yeah!
00:01:24Yeah!
00:01:25Yeah!
00:01:30Yeah!
00:01:31Yeah!
00:01:32Yeah!
00:01:33Yeah!
00:01:35Yeah!
00:01:37Yeah!
00:01:39Yeah!
00:01:41Yeah!
00:01:41Yeah!
00:01:43Yeah!
00:01:44Yeah!
00:01:44Yeah!
00:01:45Yeah!
00:01:45Yeah!
00:01:46Yeah!
00:01:47Yeah!
00:01:47Yeah!
00:01:47Yeah!
00:01:48Yeah!
00:01:49Yeah!
00:01:50Yeah!
00:01:50Yeah!
00:01:51Yeah!
00:02:14What's up, New York?
00:02:22It's Brooklyn in the house.
00:02:26Because I'm from Brooklyn.
00:02:29Hey, shit.
00:02:30Look at this.
00:02:31You know, white people up top tonight.
00:02:33You know, I was just in my hotel a little while ago on my way here.
00:02:38And I got in the elevator, right?
00:02:42I'm getting in the elevator, and these two high school white boys tried to get on with me.
00:02:48And I just dove off.
00:02:50I said, y'all ain't killing me.
00:02:57I am scared of young white boys.
00:03:02If you white and under 21, I am running for the hills.
00:03:08What the hell is wrong with these white kids shooting up the school?
00:03:13They don't even wait until 3 o'clock, either.
00:03:19Killing people in the morning.
00:03:21That ain't right.
00:03:23It's a trench coat mafia.
00:03:27No one would play with us.
00:03:30We had no friends in the trench coat mafia.
00:03:33Hey, I saw the yearbook picture.
00:03:35It was six of them.
00:03:37I ain't have six friends in high school.
00:03:40I don't got six friends now.
00:03:43See, that's three on three with a half court.
00:03:47What the hell is wrong with these kids?
00:03:49I got people telling me, come on, Chris.
00:03:51Come up to a school.
00:03:52Talk to the kids.
00:03:53I'm like, fuck the kids.
00:03:58Do you got a vest?
00:04:00Maybe I'll think about it.
00:04:02Everybody want to know what the kids was listening to.
00:04:05What kind of music was they listening to?
00:04:08What kind of movies was they watching?
00:04:10Who gives a fuck what they was watching?
00:04:14Whatever happened to crazy?
00:04:16Crazy.
00:04:25What happened to crazy?
00:04:26What, you can't be crazy no more?
00:04:29Did we eliminate crazy from the dictionary?
00:04:33Fuck the record.
00:04:34Fuck the movie Crazy.
00:04:37When I was a kid,
00:04:38they used to separate the crazy kids from everybody.
00:04:43When I was a kid,
00:04:44the crazy kids went to school on a little ass bus.
00:04:51They had a class at the end of the school.
00:04:55And they used to get out of school at 2.30.
00:04:59Just in case they went crazy,
00:05:02they would only hurt other crazy kids.
00:05:11And we was all safe.
00:05:13We was all safe.
00:05:14Then the world coming to an end.
00:05:16World coming to an end.
00:05:18You're going to have a little white kid saying,
00:05:19I want to go to a black school where it's safe.
00:05:25That's right, man.
00:05:27And everybody talking about gun control.
00:05:30Got to get rid of the guns.
00:05:32Fuck that.
00:05:32I like guns.
00:05:33You got a gun,
00:05:35you don't have to work out.
00:05:38I ain't working out.
00:05:40I ain't jogging.
00:05:42You got techs?
00:05:43So I got techs.
00:05:46Oh, that shit.
00:05:48You don't need no gun control.
00:05:49You know what you need?
00:05:50We need some bullet control.
00:05:52We need to control the bullets.
00:05:55That's right.
00:05:56I think all bullets should cost $5,000.
00:06:00$5,000 for a bullet.
00:06:02You know why?
00:06:02Because if a bullet costs $5,000,
00:06:05there'll be no more innocent bystanders.
00:06:09The end.
00:06:12The end.
00:06:15Every time somebody gets shot,
00:06:17they'll be like,
00:06:17Dad, he must have did something.
00:06:20Should they put $50,000 worth of bullets in his ass?
00:06:27And people will think
00:06:28before they kill somebody
00:06:29if a bullet costs $5,000,
00:06:32man, I would blow your fucking head off
00:06:34if I could afford it.
00:06:39I'm going to get me another job.
00:06:41I'm going to start saving some money.
00:06:43And you a dead man.
00:06:45You better hope I can't get no bullets on layaway.
00:06:51So even if you get shot by a straight bullet,
00:06:54you won't have to go to no doctor
00:06:55to get it taken out.
00:06:56Whoever shot you
00:06:57will take their bullet back.
00:06:59I believe you got my property.
00:07:06That's right, man.
00:07:08See, everybody blame the kids
00:07:10and fucking crazy.
00:07:12Everybody want to be mad at the kids
00:07:14for shooting up the school.
00:07:15What about the parents?
00:07:17The parents.
00:07:19The parents is really fucked up, man.
00:07:22The damn parents need to go to jail
00:07:25for some of this fucking shit, man.
00:07:28You know, because everybody know
00:07:30that crazy-ass kid that went to jail,
00:07:33and you go, man, he ain't never had a chance.
00:07:35If you know this mama,
00:07:37you know he going to be there.
00:07:38I was at the club the other night.
00:07:40I was down at Life,
00:07:41chilling at the club.
00:07:42You know, I'm chilling with this girl,
00:07:43and she was dancing,
00:07:44and then it's about 2 in the morning,
00:07:46I'm talking to her,
00:07:46and realized she, you know,
00:07:48she had, like, two kids at home.
00:07:50Now, I don't mind the two kids at home.
00:07:52That's all good.
00:07:52But I'm like, what the fuck is you doing
00:07:54in the club at 2 in the fucking morning
00:07:57on a Wednesday night?
00:07:59What the fuck are you doing here?
00:08:03Is it your birthday?
00:08:06Did you get a raise?
00:08:09Well, you got to get the fuck out.
00:08:11You gone.
00:08:12I'm kicking you the fuck out.
00:08:13Yes, bye, bye, bye.
00:08:16Yeah, go take care of them kids
00:08:17before they rob me in 10 years.
00:08:22Yeah, man, you got to get your kid on
00:08:24or your groove on.
00:08:26You can't get both on at the same time.
00:08:28Kind of the shit.
00:08:30Motherfucker.
00:08:31And a bunch of girls,
00:08:32it's like, you don't need no man
00:08:33to help you raise no child.
00:08:34You don't need no man.
00:08:35Shut the fuck up with the bullshit.
00:08:39Yeah, you could do it without a man,
00:08:41but that don't mean it's to be done.
00:08:44Shit, you could drive a car with your feet
00:08:46if you want to.
00:08:48That don't make it a good fucking idea.
00:08:59Shit.
00:09:01I don't give a fuck.
00:09:02You could be the baddest mama on earth.
00:09:04I don't give a fuck how good you are.
00:09:06Ain't nothing you can say more powerful than,
00:09:09I'm going to tell your daddy.
00:09:11Can't fuck with it.
00:09:13Can't come closer.
00:09:15I'm going to tell your daddy.
00:09:15You're going to have a gun at the kid's head,
00:09:18but I'll blow your fucking head off.
00:09:19So what?
00:09:20I'm going to tell your daddy.
00:09:21Okay, okay, okay, okay.
00:09:24Can't fuck with it, man.
00:09:26I'm tired of bumping to these girls at the club
00:09:29or late on a fucking weeknight.
00:09:31I got a little cousin
00:09:32got left back in the first grade.
00:09:36Left back in the first grade
00:09:39because mama out getting the groove on.
00:09:42You know how dumb you got to be
00:09:44to get left back in the first grade?
00:09:50What's four plus four?
00:09:51Jell-O.
00:09:54But that ain't his fault.
00:09:56That's the mama fault.
00:09:57That's the mama fucking fault.
00:10:00That's right.
00:10:01That's right.
00:10:02And I'm telling my cousin,
00:10:03I'm like,
00:10:03Tina, talk to your fucking kid.
00:10:06Talk to him.
00:10:07Teach him some shit.
00:10:08You know,
00:10:09if you said more words to him
00:10:10than mommy be back,
00:10:12he might know something.
00:10:21That's right.
00:10:23And it's real easy
00:10:24to tell who kid's going to be fucked up.
00:10:26It don't take no scientist
00:10:27to tell who's going to have
00:10:28some fucked up kids.
00:10:30If the kid call his grandmama mommy
00:10:33and his mama, Pam,
00:10:35he going to jail.
00:10:44You ain't saving no college money.
00:10:46You saving bail money.
00:10:48That money going to Johnny Cochran.
00:10:52That's right.
00:10:53If the kid can't read,
00:10:55that's mama fault.
00:10:57That is mama fucking fault.
00:10:59Now, if the kid can't read
00:11:01because ain't no lights in the house,
00:11:03that's daddy fault.
00:11:09He got this shit down.
00:11:12See, see, nobody give a fuck about daddy.
00:11:14There's some real daddies out there.
00:11:16I'm not talking about the guy
00:11:17that just fucked you and left.
00:11:19Fuck him, okay?
00:11:20I'm talking about the real daddies.
00:11:22There's still some motherfuckers out there
00:11:24that handle their business.
00:11:35People don't give a fuck,
00:11:37but nobody give a fuck about daddy.
00:11:40Everybody take daddy for granted.
00:11:42Just listen to the radio.
00:11:44Everything's mama, then mama.
00:11:46I always loved my mama.
00:11:48Mama, mama, mama.
00:11:49What's the daddy song?
00:11:51Papa was a rolling star.
00:11:58Nobody give a fuck.
00:12:00Nobody appreciates daddy.
00:12:03Now, mama got the roughest job.
00:12:04I ain't gonna front.
00:12:05But come on,
00:12:06at least people appreciate mama.
00:12:08That's right.
00:12:09Every time mama do something right,
00:12:11mama get a compliment.
00:12:13Because women need to hit compliments
00:12:15all the time.
00:12:16Women need food, water,
00:12:18and compliments.
00:12:22That's right.
00:12:24That's right.
00:12:24And an occasional pair of shoes.
00:12:29That's right.
00:12:30Women got to hit all the time
00:12:33or they lose their mind.
00:12:34And your daddy,
00:12:35make sure you thank your mama
00:12:36for everything.
00:12:37Tell your mama how good the food is.
00:12:39Tell your mama how nice the house looks.
00:12:40Tell your mama how nice the hair looks.
00:12:42Did you tell your mama?
00:12:43You better go in there
00:12:44and tell your mama.
00:12:46That's right.
00:12:47Tell your mama.
00:12:48Tell your mama.
00:12:48Tell your mama.
00:12:49Nobody ever tells daddy shit.
00:12:53I'm talking about the real daddy
00:12:55that handled the fucking business.
00:12:57Nobody ever says,
00:12:58Hey, daddy,
00:12:59thanks for knocking out this rent.
00:13:03Hey, daddy,
00:13:04I sure love this hot water.
00:13:07Hey, daddy,
00:13:08this easy to read
00:13:09with all this light.
00:13:12Nobody give a fuck about daddy.
00:13:14I'm talking about daddy
00:13:15that handled his business.
00:13:17Nobody give a fuck about daddy.
00:13:19Think about everything
00:13:20that the real daddy does.
00:13:22Pay the bills,
00:13:23buy the food,
00:13:24put a fucking loop
00:13:25over your head.
00:13:26Everything you could ever ask for.
00:13:31Make your world
00:13:32a better, safer place.
00:13:34And what does daddy get
00:13:36for all his work?
00:13:37The big piece of chicken.
00:13:38That's all daddy gets.
00:13:41Is the big piece of chicken.
00:13:46That's right.
00:13:47And some women
00:13:48don't want to give up
00:13:49the big piece of chicken.
00:13:51Who the fuck is you
00:13:53to keep the big piece of chicken?
00:13:57How dare you keep
00:13:59the big piece of chicken?
00:14:01A man can't work 12 hours
00:14:03and come home to a wing?
00:14:10When I was a kid,
00:14:11my mom would lose her mind
00:14:13if one of us
00:14:13ate the big piece of chicken
00:14:15by accident.
00:14:16What the fuck?
00:14:17What you ate
00:14:17the big piece of chicken?
00:14:19Oh, Lord.
00:14:20No, no, no.
00:14:22Now I got to take
00:14:24some chicken
00:14:25and sew it up.
00:14:26Shit.
00:14:27Give me two wings
00:14:28and a poke chop.
00:14:29Daddy would never
00:14:30know the difference.
00:14:35Kids can't do it,
00:14:36can't do it,
00:14:37can't do it.
00:14:38I don't know, man.
00:14:39World's nuts, man.
00:14:40It's all good for Clinton.
00:14:42Any time something bad
00:14:43happens,
00:14:44good for Bill Clinton.
00:14:45Just get people
00:14:46off his ass.
00:14:47Stop thinking about me.
00:14:49Good.
00:14:49Kids got shot.
00:14:50Good, good.
00:14:51Good, good.
00:14:52People not thinking
00:14:53about me.
00:14:54Ooh, tornadoes.
00:14:55Good, good.
00:14:56Ooh, people ain't
00:14:57thinking about me.
00:14:59Clinton damn near
00:15:00got impeached
00:15:01for what?
00:15:02For what?
00:15:03Lied about a blowjob
00:15:05so his wife
00:15:06wouldn't find out.
00:15:08Is that against
00:15:09the law?
00:15:11Do you need
00:15:13the Supreme Court
00:15:14for that one?
00:15:16You could have
00:15:17took that one
00:15:18to the People's Court.
00:15:19Yeah.
00:15:28Could have took
00:15:29that one
00:15:30to Judge Judy.
00:15:32She'd have
00:15:32knocked it out
00:15:33in a half hour
00:15:34plus commercials.
00:15:36What the fuck
00:15:37did Clinton do?
00:15:39That was charging him
00:15:40with shit
00:15:40I didn't even know
00:15:41was crimes.
00:15:43Like, ooh,
00:15:43you got her some gifts.
00:15:44So why they got her
00:15:45some gifts?
00:15:45That's his friend.
00:15:46You can't buy
00:15:47your friend a gift?
00:15:51Try to get her job,
00:15:52try to get her job.
00:15:52You can't get
00:15:53your friend a job?
00:15:54She, 80% of people
00:15:56in this room
00:15:56got they job
00:15:57because her friend
00:15:58recommended her.
00:16:04It's against the law
00:16:06to get your friend
00:16:07a job?
00:16:08Shit, she blew him
00:16:09for a couple of months.
00:16:11The least he can do
00:16:12is give her
00:16:13recommendations.
00:16:22All right, man.
00:16:23It's the least he can do.
00:16:26That's right.
00:16:27See, people,
00:16:27everybody expects
00:16:29this holy behavior
00:16:30because he the president.
00:16:32Expect him to behave
00:16:33this holy way.
00:16:34He's just the president.
00:16:35He ain't Reverend Clinton.
00:16:37It ain't Pastor Clinton.
00:16:39It ain't Maharajah Clinton.
00:16:42It is just Bill Clinton.
00:16:44He's just a man.
00:16:45A man gonna be a man.
00:16:46A man is basically
00:16:48as faithful as his options.
00:16:58That's how faithful a man is.
00:17:00No more, no less.
00:17:01And you see all these
00:17:02fat Republican guys
00:17:03going,
00:17:03I would never do
00:17:04such a thing.
00:17:05This is a travesty.
00:17:06I'm like,
00:17:06nobody's trying
00:17:07to blow you.
00:17:12Ain't no 20-year-old girls
00:17:14trying to blow
00:17:14Orrin Hatch.
00:17:17Ain't nobody
00:17:18trying to give
00:17:18Newt Gingrich some.
00:17:20I don't give a fuck.
00:17:22You ain't never
00:17:22gonna hear Newt Gingrich
00:17:23go,
00:17:23man,
00:17:24I wish these hoes
00:17:25would back up off me.
00:17:28I wish they would
00:17:29just back the fuck up
00:17:31off of Reverend.
00:17:33Let a player play.
00:17:34Shit.
00:17:36That's right.
00:17:37It's damn near impossible
00:17:39for a man to turn down sex.
00:17:41It's ho, ho, ho
00:17:42for a man to turn down sex.
00:17:45If we can stop chasing it,
00:17:46and even that requires
00:17:48some rehab.
00:17:50It's hard for a man
00:17:52to stop.
00:17:53Woo,
00:17:53it turned a lot.
00:17:54If it chase us,
00:17:55we can't run that fast.
00:17:57It gonna catch us.
00:17:59We're like,
00:17:59ah, ah, ah, ah, shit.
00:18:01Pull the hand straight.
00:18:02It got me,
00:18:03it got me,
00:18:03it got me.
00:18:05It can't run that fast.
00:18:07See,
00:18:08it's easy for women
00:18:09to turn down sex.
00:18:10It ain't shit
00:18:10for y'all
00:18:11to turn down sex.
00:18:12It ain't no thing
00:18:13for y'all
00:18:14to turn down sex.
00:18:15Y'all like,
00:18:16why can't you turn it down?
00:18:17I do it all the time.
00:18:18I do it all the time.
00:18:19Why can't you say no?
00:18:21I say no.
00:18:21See,
00:18:22it's easy for y'all.
00:18:23You know why?
00:18:23Because every woman
00:18:24in here,
00:18:25ever since you was 13,
00:18:26every guy you met
00:18:27has been trying
00:18:28to fuck you.
00:18:32That's right.
00:18:33Women are offering
00:18:35dick every day.
00:18:37Every woman in here
00:18:38gets offered dick
00:18:40at least three times
00:18:41a week.
00:18:43Three times a day.
00:18:45Shit.
00:18:48That's right.
00:18:49Every time a man's
00:18:51being nice to you,
00:18:52all he's doing
00:18:53is offering dick.
00:18:54That's all it is.
00:18:55That's all it is.
00:18:58That's all it is.
00:18:59Oh,
00:19:00oh,
00:19:00oh,
00:19:00could I get that for you?
00:19:01How about some dick?
00:19:08Oh,
00:19:09could I help you
00:19:09with that?
00:19:10Could I help you
00:19:11with some dick?
00:19:12Do you need
00:19:13some dick?
00:19:18Nobody offers us shit.
00:19:20We got to fend
00:19:21for ourselves.
00:19:23We can't believe it.
00:19:24When we get offered,
00:19:25we're like,
00:19:25damn,
00:19:26this is my lucky day.
00:19:29That's right,
00:19:30man.
00:19:30That's right.
00:19:31See,
00:19:31now,
00:19:31this whole,
00:19:31this whole,
00:19:32this whole Monica Lewinsky
00:19:33scandal,
00:19:34a lot of this shit
00:19:35is Hillary's fault.
00:19:37That's right.
00:19:37I said it.
00:19:40I said it.
00:19:41It had to be said.
00:19:43Somebody got to say it.
00:19:45Everybody,
00:19:46ooh,
00:19:46Hillary's a hero.
00:19:47Hillary's a hero.
00:19:48No,
00:19:49she ain't.
00:19:50Aquaman's a hero.
00:19:53He can talk to the fishes.
00:19:55What the fuck
00:19:56can Hillary do?
00:19:58A lot of this shit
00:19:59is Hillary's fault.
00:20:01Because ladies,
00:20:02you know your man.
00:20:03You know your man
00:20:04better than he know himself.
00:20:10You know what kind
00:20:11of man you got.
00:20:13You know if you got
00:20:14the craze
00:20:14and need a blowjob
00:20:16all the time,
00:20:17man.
00:20:19Say,
00:20:20sometimes you got
00:20:21to save your man
00:20:22from himself.
00:20:24Say,
00:20:25you know what happens
00:20:26if he don't get
00:20:26his medicine.
00:20:36Say,
00:20:37Hillary Clinton
00:20:37put us all
00:20:38in danger.
00:20:39She put the security
00:20:41of the free world
00:20:42in jeopardy
00:20:43and she needs
00:20:44to suffer
00:20:44the consequences
00:20:45for her actions.
00:20:47That's right.
00:20:48She the first lady.
00:20:50She supposed to be
00:20:50the first one
00:20:51on her knees
00:20:52to suck his dick.
00:21:01Shit.
00:21:04Shit.
00:21:07Monica Lewinsky
00:21:08shouldn't even
00:21:08have stood a chance.
00:21:10Hillary's fault
00:21:10will already be down there
00:21:11like,
00:21:12hey, hey,
00:21:12I got it,
00:21:12I got it.
00:21:14I got it.
00:21:16I got the dick.
00:21:19Tickle his ass
00:21:20or something.
00:21:21Tickle his ass.
00:21:34Tickle his ass.
00:21:35They always been on
00:21:36cliff.
00:21:36Always.
00:21:37Before any of this
00:21:38shit happened,
00:21:38they was on cliff.
00:21:39What was they on them
00:21:39for?
00:21:40Gays in the military.
00:21:41Everybody said,
00:21:42ooh, don't let them in,
00:21:43don't let them in.
00:21:43Hey,
00:21:44if they want to fight,
00:21:45let them fight.
00:21:46Because I ain't fighting.
00:21:49I wouldn't give a fuck
00:21:50if I saw a Russian tank
00:21:52rolling down
00:21:53Flatbush Avenue.
00:21:57I ain't shooting nobody.
00:21:59So call me a faggot.
00:22:01When the war's over,
00:22:02I'll be the faggot
00:22:03with two legs.
00:22:07And you know what's
00:22:08fucked up?
00:22:09Everybody gets all
00:22:09homophobic.
00:22:10People,
00:22:10you need to cut
00:22:11that shit out.
00:22:12Because everybody
00:22:13in this room
00:22:14got at least
00:22:15a gay cousin.
00:22:17Every last one of you
00:22:19got a gay cousin.
00:22:20You knew he was gay
00:22:21when y'all was kids.
00:22:23You was playing ball,
00:22:24he was jumping rope.
00:22:27He ain't turn gay.
00:22:29He was gay then.
00:22:30He just ain't had
00:22:31nobody to be gay with.
00:22:33Shit,
00:22:34I got a gay uncle.
00:22:35Call him Aunt Tom.
00:22:41Every Christmas,
00:22:42he come up
00:22:42with his friend.
00:22:47See,
00:22:47it don't make no sense
00:22:48to hate nobody.
00:22:49It don't make no sense
00:22:50being racist
00:22:51or sexist
00:22:51or nothing.
00:22:52For whoever,
00:22:53it don't.
00:22:57Nothing.
00:22:58It don't make no sense
00:23:00for whoever you hate
00:23:02will end up
00:23:03in your family.
00:23:05That's right.
00:23:06You don't like gays,
00:23:07you're gonna have
00:23:07a gay son.
00:23:09You don't like
00:23:09Puerto Ricans,
00:23:10your daughter's
00:23:11gonna come home
00:23:11with livin' la vida loca.
00:23:20No, no, no, no, no, no.
00:23:24Don't you just love
00:23:25that shit?
00:23:26That's a catchy-ass song.
00:23:29You just wanna jump up
00:23:30or shit.
00:23:30livin' la vida loca.
00:23:32livin' la vida loca.
00:23:41I feel that shit.
00:23:43I be drivin'
00:23:43livin' la vida loca.
00:23:46Shit, I love that shit.
00:23:48That ain't goin'
00:23:49nowhere.
00:23:49That's gonna be
00:23:50out a long time.
00:23:52That shit's like
00:23:52the Puerto Rican
00:23:53whoops dead end.
00:23:57I don't know, man.
00:23:59What I'm talking about
00:24:00my gay uncle.
00:24:00See, your uncles
00:24:01prepare you for life.
00:24:03You got enough uncles
00:24:04that prepare you for life
00:24:06because your uncles,
00:24:06you got every type of uncle.
00:24:08You got your gay uncle.
00:24:10You got your alcoholic uncle.
00:24:13You got your stealing uncle.
00:24:17You got your molester uncle.
00:24:20Everybody got that
00:24:21one molester uncle.
00:24:23And you know,
00:24:24your mama's like,
00:24:24where them kids at?
00:24:28They with Johnny.
00:24:29Get them kids!
00:24:29Get them kids!
00:24:31Hurry up!
00:24:31Get them kids!
00:24:32Don't you leave them
00:24:33with your uncle Johnny!
00:24:35Don't you leave them
00:24:36with your uncle Johnny!
00:24:42Later on,
00:24:43you get molested,
00:24:44your mama get mad at you.
00:24:45That's what you get!
00:24:47Hanging around fucking Johnny.
00:24:48I told you about that shit!
00:24:50Now walk it off!
00:25:01That's your family!
00:25:03I don't know, man.
00:25:05Let's talk about Clinton.
00:25:05One thing Clinton did
00:25:06I didn't like,
00:25:07raise taxes.
00:25:08Taxes all high and shit.
00:25:09You know what's fucked up
00:25:10about taxes?
00:25:11You don't even pay taxes.
00:25:13They take tax.
00:25:15You get your check,
00:25:16money gone.
00:25:18That ain't a payment,
00:25:19that's a jack.
00:25:22Got all these taxes,
00:25:23city tax,
00:25:24state tax,
00:25:25social security tax.
00:25:26You don't get the money
00:25:27until you're 65.
00:25:29Meanwhile,
00:25:29the average black man
00:25:30dies at 54.
00:25:35shit,
00:25:36we should get social security
00:25:37at 29.
00:25:45The fuck, man?
00:25:46We don't live that long,
00:25:47hypertension,
00:25:48high blood pressure,
00:25:50NYPD.
00:25:50something will get you.
00:26:01What the fuck is up
00:26:03with the police,
00:26:04my God?
00:26:06I'm scared
00:26:07I ain't getting rid
00:26:08of no guns.
00:26:09Fuck that shit.
00:26:10And I had a cop
00:26:11pull me over
00:26:12the other day,
00:26:13scared me so bad,
00:26:14made me think
00:26:15I stole my own car.
00:26:18Get out the car,
00:26:19get out the fucking car.
00:26:20You stole this car.
00:26:21I'm like,
00:26:22damn,
00:26:22maybe I did.
00:26:24Oh, Lord,
00:26:25I done stole the car.
00:26:29You know what's worse
00:26:30than taxes?
00:26:30What's worse than taxes?
00:26:32Insurance.
00:26:32You got to have
00:26:34some insurance.
00:26:35You got to.
00:26:36There's an insurance.
00:26:37They shouldn't even
00:26:37call it insurance.
00:26:38They should just
00:26:38call it in case shit.
00:26:41And I give a company
00:26:42some money
00:26:43in case shit happens.
00:26:46Now,
00:26:46if shit don't happen,
00:26:48shouldn't I
00:26:49get my money back?
00:26:59That's right, man.
00:27:00You better have
00:27:01some medical insurance
00:27:02or you gonna die.
00:27:04That's right.
00:27:05Everybody,
00:27:05ooh, you got to eat right
00:27:06and exercise.
00:27:07No, you don't.
00:27:07You need some coverage.
00:27:10Coverage will save
00:27:11your life.
00:27:12That's right.
00:27:13I mean,
00:27:13we all gonna die,
00:27:14but at least
00:27:14if you got some coverage,
00:27:15you will die on a mattress.
00:27:19That's right, man.
00:27:20When I was a kid,
00:27:21we didn't have no insurance.
00:27:22We didn't have
00:27:22a damn thing.
00:27:24You had to be
00:27:24damn near dead
00:27:26to see the doctor.
00:27:27That's why
00:27:27you had to be
00:27:28way past Robitussin.
00:27:31That's all we had
00:27:32when I was a kid,
00:27:33Robitussin.
00:27:34No matter what you got,
00:27:35Robitussin better handle it.
00:27:37Daddy,
00:27:38I got asthma.
00:27:39Robitussin.
00:27:41I got cancer.
00:27:42Robitussin.
00:27:43I broke my leg.
00:27:45Daddy poured Robitussin on it.
00:27:47Yeah, boy,
00:27:48let that Tussin
00:27:49get in there, boy.
00:27:52Yeah, boy,
00:27:53let that Tussin
00:27:54get on down to the bone.
00:27:56Yeah,
00:27:56the Tussin ought to
00:27:57straighten out the bone.
00:27:58It's good.
00:27:59If you run out of Tussin,
00:28:00put some water in the jar,
00:28:01shake it up,
00:28:02more Tussin.
00:28:03More Tussin.
00:28:08You know why I like doctors?
00:28:10Because they don't cure shit.
00:28:12They don't cure nothing.
00:28:14Same disease
00:28:15that's been hanging out
00:28:15since I was a kid, man.
00:28:17What's the last shit
00:28:18a doctor cured?
00:28:19Polio.
00:28:20You know how long ago
00:28:21polio was?
00:28:22That's like the first season
00:28:24of Lucy.
00:28:26Shit,
00:28:27Fred had her afro
00:28:28with finger waves.
00:28:29Have you ever met
00:28:31anybody with polio?
00:28:32Anybody feel a little
00:28:33polio around you?
00:28:34No.
00:28:35That's right.
00:28:36They don't cure shit.
00:28:38Same disease
00:28:38that's been hanging out
00:28:39since I was a kid,
00:28:40aged, sick of cell,
00:28:40tuberculosis, cancer.
00:28:42Jerry's kid
00:28:43still lipping around.
00:28:45I've been watching
00:28:46the Jerry Lewis telethon
00:28:48for probably about
00:28:4915, 16 years now.
00:28:52Not one stitch
00:28:53of progress
00:28:54whatsoever.
00:28:56Come on, man.
00:28:57Lie to me, Jerry.
00:28:59Lie to me.
00:29:00What the fuck
00:29:02you doing, Jerry?
00:29:03Put a stick
00:29:04in the kid's back,
00:29:05prop him up
00:29:05or some shit.
00:29:07Come on.
00:29:09Come on.
00:29:10Call Steven Spielberg.
00:29:11Get some special effects
00:29:12on this shit.
00:29:14Get George Lucas
00:29:15on the case.
00:29:16CGI, motherfucker.
00:29:18CGI.
00:29:19What the fuck?
00:29:21Tie some string around
00:29:22and make a cripple puppet
00:29:23or some shit.
00:29:24Lie to me.
00:29:26Where the fuck's
00:29:27the money going?
00:29:28Where's the money going?
00:29:29What?
00:29:29To keep Jerry's hair black?
00:29:36Where the money go?
00:29:37Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:29:39Well, think about
00:29:39Frank Sinatra dead,
00:29:40Dean Martin dead,
00:29:42Sammy Davis dead,
00:29:43Jerry Lewis got a full
00:29:44head of black hair.
00:29:47And if you ain't
00:29:48gonna cure the disease,
00:29:50cut the kids a check.
00:29:53That's right.
00:29:54You know little boys
00:29:54get ready to die?
00:29:55Get them a table dance.
00:30:03Get them a table dance
00:30:05for Christ's sakes.
00:30:07I'm sure to make a wish
00:30:08people hear that request
00:30:09every now and then.
00:30:11Get the boy a table dance.
00:30:13What do you want, Jimmy?
00:30:14You get ready to die.
00:30:15You want to meet Jim Carrey?
00:30:16No, I want some
00:30:16big titties in my face.
00:30:20It's my last wish.
00:30:22Come on.
00:30:24That's right, man.
00:30:28That's right.
00:30:29We got AIDS out there.
00:30:30You think they're
00:30:30gonna cure AIDS?
00:30:31No.
00:30:32They can't even cure
00:30:33athletes' foot.
00:30:37They ain't curing AIDS.
00:30:38Shit.
00:30:39They ain't never
00:30:40curing AIDS.
00:30:41They ain't never
00:30:41curing AIDS.
00:30:43Don't even think
00:30:44about that shit.
00:30:45They ain't curing AIDS
00:30:46because there ain't
00:30:46no money in the cure.
00:30:47The money's in the medicine.
00:30:49That's how you get paid
00:30:50on the comeback.
00:30:53That's how a drug dealer
00:30:54makes his money
00:30:55on the comeback.
00:30:57That's all the government
00:30:58is, a bunch of
00:30:59motherfucking drug dealers
00:31:00on the comeback.
00:31:02They ain't curing no AIDS.
00:31:06That's all it is.
00:31:08That's all it is.
00:31:09You think they
00:31:10gonna cure AIDS?
00:31:11They still mad at all
00:31:12the money they lost
00:31:13on polio.
00:31:15Cure AIDS?
00:31:16Shit.
00:31:16That's like Cadillac
00:31:17making a car that
00:31:18lasts for 50 years.
00:31:20And you know
00:31:21they can do it,
00:31:22but they ain't gonna
00:31:22do nothing that
00:31:23fucking dumb.
00:31:25Shit.
00:31:25They got metal
00:31:26on the space shuttle
00:31:27that can go around
00:31:28the moon and withstand
00:31:29temperatures up to
00:31:3020,000 degrees.
00:31:32You mean to tell me
00:31:33you don't think
00:31:33they can make
00:31:33an Eldorado
00:31:34with a fucking
00:31:35bumper don't fall off?
00:31:43They can,
00:31:44but they won't.
00:31:45So what they will
00:31:45do with AIDS
00:31:46is the same thing
00:31:47they do with
00:31:48everything else.
00:31:49They will figure out
00:31:50a way for you
00:31:50to live with them.
00:31:52Because they don't
00:31:53cure shit,
00:31:54they just patch it up.
00:31:55Get you to the next
00:31:56stop so they can
00:31:58get more of your
00:31:59money.
00:32:00That's right.
00:32:00They ain't gonna
00:32:01cure it.
00:32:01Hopefully in our
00:32:02lifetime, that's right.
00:32:04You're gonna see
00:32:04somebody go,
00:32:05yo man, you weren't
00:32:06at work yesterday.
00:32:06What's up?
00:32:07Hey, my AIDS is
00:32:08acting up.
00:32:10You know when the
00:32:11weather get like this,
00:32:12my AIDS is pop up.
00:32:14But I took some
00:32:14Robitussin, I'm fine
00:32:15now.
00:32:22That's right, man.
00:32:23AIDS is scary, man.
00:32:24I took my AIDS test,
00:32:26passed it, got 65.
00:32:33You know what's
00:32:34scary about the AIDS
00:32:34test?
00:32:35What's scary about
00:32:36the AIDS test?
00:32:36You don't get the
00:32:37results back for five
00:32:38days.
00:32:39Five days.
00:32:41Woo, that's a long
00:32:42time.
00:32:42And you know what
00:32:43happens in those five
00:32:44days?
00:32:44You start reflecting.
00:32:47You start thinking
00:32:48about every nasty,
00:32:50skank-ass,
00:32:52questionable piece of
00:32:53sex you ever had.
00:32:56And everybody got a
00:32:57few.
00:32:58And you're like,
00:32:59ah, God, what the
00:33:00fuck was I thinking?
00:33:031993, woo!
00:33:05She ain't even have
00:33:06peace on, God.
00:33:08What the fuck was on
00:33:10my mind?
00:33:11It's like the movie
00:33:13Scrooge and the ghost of
00:33:14Pussy Pass.
00:33:21Remember me, I'm Itchy,
00:33:22the stripper from
00:33:23Miami.
00:33:32Do you know what else
00:33:33happened after you take
00:33:34your AIDS test?
00:33:34You start calling up
00:33:35people to see if they
00:33:36alive.
00:33:38Hell, can I speak to
00:33:39Lisa?
00:33:40This is Lisa.
00:33:40Click.
00:33:47Hell, can I speak to
00:33:48Tammy?
00:33:49Uh, Tammy dead.
00:33:53Uh, what happened?
00:33:55She got hit by a bus.
00:33:56Thank the Lord!
00:33:58Thank the Lord!
00:33:59Yes, yes, yes.
00:34:03Yes!
00:34:04Go Greyhound!
00:34:08She got hit by a bus!
00:34:10Living a vida a little
00:34:11time!
00:34:14Yes!
00:34:24Yeah, man, at least
00:34:24they're still working on
00:34:25AIDS.
00:34:26At least they're trying
00:34:27to get rid of AIDS.
00:34:28Some diseases they just
00:34:29gave up on.
00:34:30Like, some diseases,
00:34:31if you get them, you
00:34:32on your own.
00:34:33They ain't gonna have
00:34:34no telethons.
00:34:35Run for you.
00:34:36R. Kelly ain't singing
00:34:38no song.
00:34:39You just got this shit.
00:34:42That's right.
00:34:42You get paralyzed,
00:34:43they don't got shit
00:34:44for you.
00:34:44Look at Christopher
00:34:45Reeves, paralyzed.
00:34:47Superman can't walk.
00:34:48What kind of sorry-ass
00:34:50shit is that?
00:34:52Superman can't walk.
00:34:53What's next?
00:34:54What the fuck?
00:34:55An Aquaman gonna
00:34:56drown in the tub?
00:34:58What the fuck
00:34:59kind of injustice
00:35:01is this?
00:35:02Superman can't walk.
00:35:03The Hulk won't
00:35:04get in the gout?
00:35:05What the fuck?
00:35:07Superman can't walk.
00:35:09Now, you gonna tell
00:35:10a doctor you paralyzed?
00:35:11They don't got shit
00:35:12for you like,
00:35:13Doc, I'm paralyzed.
00:35:14What you got?
00:35:14Why don't you take
00:35:15this chair and roll
00:35:16your ass around town?
00:35:18Not all the fuck
00:35:19you guys a goddamn chair.
00:35:22Where the fuck
00:35:22are you supposed to
00:35:23take this prescription?
00:35:24To a furniture store,
00:35:25motherfucker?
00:35:26I gotta go to Ikea?
00:35:27What the fuck
00:35:28is this shit?
00:35:29I said I can't walk.
00:35:30I ain't said I can't sit.
00:35:33That's right.
00:35:34If you go blind,
00:35:36they don't got shit
00:35:36for you.
00:35:37Look at Stevie Wonder.
00:35:38Been blind for
00:35:3940-something years.
00:35:41Got all the money
00:35:42in the world.
00:35:43Don't know if he got
00:35:44hundreds or ones.
00:35:54It's just a stack
00:35:55to Stevie.
00:35:56It's just a stack.
00:35:58They don't got...
00:35:59Stevie can't see shit.
00:36:00Can't see the day,
00:36:01the night,
00:36:01the shadow,
00:36:02the shade.
00:36:03Can't even get a peak.
00:36:04Just a peak.
00:36:05Can we help Stevie
00:36:06get a peak?
00:36:07Get a fucking peak.
00:36:09The man wrote
00:36:09songs in the key
00:36:10of life,
00:36:11talking book,
00:36:12in a vision.
00:36:13Can we get this
00:36:13brother a peak?
00:36:14Just a peak.
00:36:15Just a fucking peak.
00:36:18Is that asking
00:36:19for too much?
00:36:20Just a...
00:36:21That's it.
00:36:28And you tell a doctor
00:36:29you blind,
00:36:30he don't got shit
00:36:31for you.
00:36:32Doc, I'm blind.
00:36:33What you got?
00:36:34Why don't you
00:36:34take this dog
00:36:35and have the dog
00:36:36drag your blind ass
00:36:37around town?
00:36:39I saw the fuck
00:36:40you guys a damn dog.
00:36:41Man, if I could see,
00:36:42I would whoop your ass.
00:36:44A fucking dog?
00:36:45What the fucking
00:36:46is wrong with you?
00:36:47Come on,
00:36:47give me a midget
00:36:48or something.
00:36:50That's right.
00:36:51Blind people
00:36:51should get midgets.
00:36:53All blind people
00:36:55should get midgets.
00:36:55It's hard enough
00:36:56living life
00:36:57when you're blind.
00:36:58Now they got to learn
00:36:58how to talk dog.
00:37:01What kind of shit
00:37:02is that you can't see
00:37:03so you can't read
00:37:04the dog's lips?
00:37:05You just listen.
00:37:07What?
00:37:07What?
00:37:08What, my shoelace
00:37:09untied?
00:37:10What?
00:37:13Cold outside?
00:37:17Somebody at the door?
00:37:18What the fuck?
00:37:18What?
00:37:20Just give blind people
00:37:22midgets.
00:37:23If you're a midget,
00:37:24it's already hard enough
00:37:25to get a job.
00:37:26Just have the midget
00:37:27tell the blind man
00:37:28where to go.
00:37:29Be a C&I man.
00:37:31Just walk in front
00:37:32of the blind man
00:37:33like, yo, man,
00:37:33you got to make a left.
00:37:37Just make a left, bro.
00:37:38Make a left.
00:37:43Racism everywhere.
00:37:44Everybody pissed off.
00:37:45Black people yelling
00:37:46racism.
00:37:47White people yelling
00:37:48reverse racism.
00:37:50Chinese people yelling
00:37:51sideways racism.
00:37:53And the Indians
00:37:54ain't yelling shit
00:37:55because they dead.
00:37:57So everybody bitch
00:37:58about how bad
00:37:59they people got it.
00:38:00Nobody got it worse
00:38:01than the American Indian.
00:38:03Everybody need to come.
00:38:04the fuck down.
00:38:07Indians got it bad.
00:38:09Indians got it the worse.
00:38:10You know how bad
00:38:11the Indians got it?
00:38:12When's the last time
00:38:13you met two Indians?
00:38:16You ain't never
00:38:17met two Indians.
00:38:18Shit, I have seen
00:38:19a polar bear ride
00:38:21a fucking tricycle
00:38:22in my lifetime.
00:38:23I have never seen
00:38:24an Indian family
00:38:25just chilling out
00:38:26at Red Lobster.
00:38:28Never seen it.
00:38:31Everybody want to
00:38:32save the environment.
00:38:33Shit, I see
00:38:34trees every fucking day.
00:38:36I don't never
00:38:36see no Indians.
00:38:37I went to the
00:38:38Macy's Thanksgiving
00:38:39Day Parade this year.
00:38:41They ain't even
00:38:41have enough Indians
00:38:42in that shit.
00:38:43They had a bunch
00:38:44of pilgrims.
00:38:44When it came time
00:38:45for the Indians,
00:38:46they had three real
00:38:47Indians and the rest
00:38:48was a bunch
00:38:49of Puerto Ricans
00:38:50of Puerto Ricans
00:38:50with feathers
00:38:50in their hands.
00:38:57What the fuck?
00:38:59Shit, I know
00:38:59Puerto Ricans
00:39:00when I see them.
00:39:02You can't slip
00:39:03a Puerto Rican
00:39:04by me.
00:39:05That's not Pocahontas,
00:39:07that's Jennifer Lopez.
00:39:17There's racism everywhere.
00:39:19Who's the maddest
00:39:20people?
00:39:20White people.
00:39:22Not y'all.
00:39:22Y'all are right.
00:39:24Pay money to see me,
00:39:26we cool.
00:39:27The feud is over.
00:39:29Now, you watch the TV,
00:39:31you watch like 60 minutes
00:39:32and shit,
00:39:32you see white people
00:39:32pissed off, man.
00:39:34Mad, the white man
00:39:35thinks he's losing
00:39:36the country.
00:39:37You watch the news,
00:39:37like, we're losing
00:39:38everything.
00:39:39We're fucking losing.
00:39:41Affirmative action
00:39:42and illegal aliens
00:39:44and we're fucking
00:39:44losing the country.
00:39:46Losing?
00:39:47Shut the fuck up.
00:39:48White people
00:39:49ain't losing shit.
00:39:50If y'all losing,
00:39:52who's winning?
00:39:54It ain't us.
00:40:02It ain't us.
00:40:03Have you driven around
00:40:04this motherfucker?
00:40:06It ain't us shit.
00:40:08Shit.
00:40:08There ain't a white man
00:40:09in this room
00:40:10that would change places
00:40:11with me.
00:40:12None of you.
00:40:13None of you would change
00:40:14places with me
00:40:15and I'm rich.
00:40:30That's how good it is
00:40:32to be white.
00:40:34There's a white one-leg busboy
00:40:36in here right now
00:40:38that won't change places
00:40:39with my black ass.
00:40:41He's going,
00:40:41nah, man,
00:40:42I don't want to switch.
00:40:43I want to ride
00:40:43this white thing out
00:40:44and see where
00:40:45it takes me.
00:40:49That's right.
00:40:50So when you're white,
00:40:51the sky's the limit.
00:40:52When you're black,
00:40:53the limit's the sky.
00:41:02That's right, man.
00:41:03Now when it come to racism,
00:41:05you know who the most
00:41:05racist people are
00:41:06for real?
00:41:07The real most racist people?
00:41:09Old black men.
00:41:12You find a brother
00:41:13over 60.
00:41:14I know some of you white people
00:41:15know an old black man.
00:41:16You go,
00:41:17oh, Willie at the job.
00:41:17He's so nice.
00:41:18Willie hates your guts.
00:41:26Nothing more racist
00:41:27than an old black man.
00:41:29You know why?
00:41:29Because an old black man
00:41:30went through some real racism.
00:41:32He ain't go through that.
00:41:33I can't get a cab shit.
00:41:35He was the cab.
00:41:39White man is jumping
00:41:40on his back.
00:41:40Main street.
00:41:48Laugh, nigga!
00:41:50Laugh, nigga!
00:41:52Laugh, you fucking nigga!
00:41:56You know what's wrong
00:41:57about the old black man, though?
00:41:58Old black man,
00:41:59he ain't gonna let you
00:42:00fuck up his money.
00:42:01Whenever an old black man
00:42:02sees an old white man,
00:42:03the old black man
00:42:04always kisses
00:42:05the old white man's ass.
00:42:07Like, how you doing, sir?
00:42:08Pleased to meet you.
00:42:08Whatever I can get you,
00:42:09you let me know.
00:42:11As soon as the white man
00:42:12get out of sight,
00:42:13he's like,
00:42:15cracker, ass cracker.
00:42:17Cracker, ass cracker.
00:42:18I'll put my foot
00:42:19in the cracker, ass.
00:42:20Cracker, ass cracker.
00:42:20I wish that cracker
00:42:22would have said
00:42:22some shit to me.
00:42:24Saltine-ass
00:42:24motherfucking cracker.
00:42:26Two motherfucking motherfucking
00:42:27cracker.
00:42:28Kiss my ass,
00:42:29you fucking cracker.
00:42:32White man come back.
00:42:33How'd he say?
00:42:35How'd he say?
00:42:53I got an uncle real crazy.
00:42:55My uncle B, 55 years old,
00:42:58hates white people,
00:42:59married to a white lady.
00:43:02And he's sitting around
00:43:03going, you know,
00:43:03these crackers ain't shit.
00:43:05Except for Susie.
00:43:09And he tried to explain
00:43:10the whole thing to me
00:43:11one day,
00:43:11say, yeah, yeah, yeah,
00:43:12I got a white wife,
00:43:13I love her,
00:43:14she love me,
00:43:14that's all that matter.
00:43:16But I tell you this,
00:43:17if the revolution ever come,
00:43:18I'll kill her first
00:43:23just to show these crackers
00:43:24because I mean business.
00:43:28Motherfucking cracker-ass
00:43:29motherfucking cracker.
00:43:31Shit cracker,
00:43:32motherfucker.
00:43:33Hey, hey, hi, honey.
00:43:36Motherfucking cracker,
00:43:37I'll kill my cracker kids, too.
00:43:44That's right, man.
00:43:46That's right, man.
00:43:46I don't know black,
00:43:47I don't know what we need,
00:43:48y'all.
00:43:49What do we need?
00:43:49I think we need a new leader.
00:43:51We ain't have a black leader
00:43:52in a while.
00:43:53In a long time.
00:43:55Somebody that moves you.
00:43:57You know, we had
00:43:58Martin Luther King,
00:43:59Malcolm X,
00:44:00and ever since then
00:44:00a bunch of substitute teachers.
00:44:04We ain't have the real thing.
00:44:06I want a motherfucker
00:44:07to move me.
00:44:09Who we got?
00:44:09Let me break everybody down.
00:44:10Let me break them down.
00:44:10Who we got?
00:44:11Al Sharpton, all right?
00:44:12Al Sharpton, all right?
00:44:14He ain't Malcolm or Martin,
00:44:16but if you get your ass
00:44:17whooped by the cops,
00:44:18he the guy to call.
00:44:21Of course,
00:44:22Al kind of looks like
00:44:23Bookman from Good Times,
00:44:24but don't let that
00:44:27fuck you up.
00:44:28Who else we got?
00:44:29Jesse Jackson.
00:44:30Jesse, all right?
00:44:31Jesse went over there.
00:44:33Jesse got them hostages.
00:44:34I don't know how
00:44:35the hell he did that shit.
00:44:36He went over there
00:44:37with no money,
00:44:39no sweet potato pies.
00:44:41What the fuck
00:44:42did Jesse say?
00:44:43Jesse must have been like,
00:44:44hey, you want the United States
00:44:45to really be mad at you?
00:44:47Get the hostages to me.
00:44:59That's what he said.
00:45:00You know he said that.
00:45:01What else we got?
00:45:02Farrakhan.
00:45:02Farrakhan can get everybody together.
00:45:03Million Man March
00:45:04and everything.
00:45:05You know?
00:45:06It's all right.
00:45:06And Farrakhan don't like the Jews,
00:45:08which is bugged.
00:45:09I get my head cut
00:45:10on Dekalb Avenue.
00:45:11I ain't never been
00:45:11in a barber shop
00:45:12and heard a bunch
00:45:13of brothers talking
00:45:14about Jews.
00:45:15Black people don't hate Jews.
00:45:16Black people hate white people.
00:45:19We don't got time
00:45:20to dice white people up
00:45:21in the little groups.
00:45:23I hate everybody.
00:45:25I don't care
00:45:26if you just got here.
00:45:27Hey, I'm Romanian,
00:45:29you're Romanian cracker.
00:45:34We need a fucking leader, man.
00:45:37And I don't really got
00:45:37no leaders.
00:45:38When something happens,
00:45:38we make the shit bigger
00:45:39than it is.
00:45:40Shit's big,
00:45:40but don't make it bigger
00:45:41than it is.
00:45:42I'm watching the news
00:45:43like Tupac Shakur
00:45:44was assassinated.
00:45:46Biggie Smalls,
00:45:47assassinated.
00:45:48Struck down
00:45:49by assassins' bullets,
00:45:51assassinated.
00:45:51It's like,
00:45:51no, they wasn't.
00:45:53Martin Luther King
00:45:54was assassinated.
00:45:56Malcolm X
00:45:57was assassinated.
00:45:59John F. Kennedy
00:46:00was assassinated.
00:46:03Then two niggas
00:46:04got shot.
00:46:15Shit, I love Tupac.
00:46:16I love Biggie,
00:46:17but school will be
00:46:18open on their birthday.
00:46:23I don't think you're
00:46:23going to see their pictures
00:46:24hanging up in your
00:46:25grandmama living room.
00:46:27That's Abraham,
00:46:28Martin, and Pac.
00:46:34And right here,
00:46:35I got one of Jesus
00:46:36and Biggie on the seesaw.
00:46:42Jesus always in the air.
00:46:46Leader, leader, man.
00:46:48Leader, leader, man.
00:46:49You know who I think
00:46:49the black leader should be?
00:46:51Who I think
00:46:52the black leader should be?
00:46:54Pat Riley.
00:46:57Coach Pat Riley.
00:46:58No man has led
00:47:00more black men
00:47:01to the promised land
00:47:06than Coach Pat Riley.
00:47:08He may not get us
00:47:10to the mountaintop,
00:47:11but he'll get us
00:47:11in the playoffs.
00:47:12And that's all we want.
00:47:14That's all we want.
00:47:16So we got a lot of women
00:47:17here tonight.
00:47:18Love the women.
00:47:19Love the women.
00:47:23You know who my favorite
00:47:24women are?
00:47:25Big, fat, black women.
00:47:28Give me a sister
00:47:29about 350 pounds.
00:47:31The best people
00:47:32in the whole world.
00:47:33You know why?
00:47:34Because we live
00:47:35in a society
00:47:35where nobody likes
00:47:36who the fuck they are.
00:47:39Everybody's on Prozac
00:47:40or some shit.
00:47:42Everybody's getting
00:47:43cosmetic surgery.
00:47:45Nobody likes
00:47:46who the fuck they are
00:47:47except fat, black women.
00:47:51Fat, black women
00:47:52don't give a fuck.
00:47:53What you think?
00:47:54She going out
00:47:55on Friday night.
00:47:56She got her outfit on.
00:47:59That shit match.
00:48:01She got the pumps on
00:48:02and the pump fat
00:48:04coming out the pump.
00:48:11That's right.
00:48:12Look like they baking
00:48:13bread in her shoe.
00:48:22Hey, baby,
00:48:23your foot ready yet?
00:48:24I'm going to sprinkle
00:48:25some cinnamon on it.
00:48:28That's right.
00:48:28She got her anklet on
00:48:29and her anklet
00:48:30holding on
00:48:31for dear life.
00:48:32ahhh.
00:48:37And she black
00:48:38don't give a fuck.
00:48:39She's like,
00:48:39I'm sexy.
00:48:41I am sexy.
00:48:42Yes, I am.
00:48:44I am the sexiest
00:48:45motherfucker
00:48:46here tonight.
00:48:48Yeah, I got a gut.
00:48:49There's some good
00:48:49pussy under this gut.
00:49:05That's right.
00:49:06You want some of this
00:49:07so you can live
00:49:08in a vida loca.
00:49:13I love the women, man.
00:49:15Women, women, women.
00:49:16What do y'all want?
00:49:17What the fuck
00:49:18do y'all want?
00:49:19Do you know
00:49:20what you want?
00:49:21Do you know
00:49:21where you're going to?
00:49:23Do you like
00:49:23the things
00:49:24that life is showing you?
00:49:25Do you know?
00:49:27What the fuck
00:49:28do women want?
00:49:29I know what you want.
00:49:30Everything.
00:49:32That's every woman's answer.
00:49:34Everything.
00:49:35Women want
00:49:35every fucking thing.
00:49:37Women act like
00:49:38life is just
00:49:38a big sale
00:49:39and shit.
00:49:40They want to get
00:49:41the most shit
00:49:42before things
00:49:42close down.
00:49:44That's what
00:49:45fucking life is
00:49:46to a woman.
00:49:47Everything.
00:49:48You know what men want?
00:49:49Do you know what men want?
00:49:50Food, sex, silence.
00:49:52That's it.
00:49:53That's it.
00:49:55Food, sex, silence.
00:49:57Feed me, fuck me,
00:49:58shut the fuck up.
00:50:10Our goals seem
00:50:11very attainable,
00:50:12don't they?
00:50:13Women, women, women.
00:50:14It's hard to figure
00:50:15women out.
00:50:15It's hard being a guy.
00:50:17We always think
00:50:17we could buy sex.
00:50:18Like, if I take it here,
00:50:19she'll give me some.
00:50:21If I buy this,
00:50:21she'll give me some.
00:50:23Should nothing
00:50:23get you nothing?
00:50:24Should a woman know
00:50:25if she's gonna fuck you
00:50:26within the first
00:50:27five minutes
00:50:28of meeting you.
00:50:29Women know right away
00:50:31they shaking hands
00:50:32like,
00:50:32I'm gonna fuck him.
00:50:41I hope he don't
00:50:43say nothing too stupid.
00:50:47That's right, fellas.
00:50:48Don't say nothing
00:50:49too stupid
00:50:49because women
00:50:50are all about
00:50:51the mood.
00:50:52If she's in the mood
00:50:53to fuck you,
00:50:54shut up,
00:50:54let it happen.
00:50:56Because if you
00:50:57say the wrong thing,
00:50:58them panties
00:50:58are coming up
00:50:59mighty fast.
00:51:01What'd you say?
00:51:12And she'd be
00:51:13on the phone
00:51:13with a girlfriend,
00:51:14yeah, child,
00:51:14I was gonna give him
00:51:15some,
00:51:16but he just
00:51:16started talking.
00:51:19Yakety yak,
00:51:20yak, yak, yak,
00:51:21yak, yak,
00:51:21I hate a yakking man,
00:51:23child.
00:51:23That's right, man.
00:51:25Relationships
00:51:25easy to get into,
00:51:26hard to maintain.
00:51:28Why are they
00:51:28so hard to maintain?
00:51:29Because it's hard
00:51:30to keep up the lie.
00:51:32It's like,
00:51:32because you can't
00:51:33get nobody
00:51:33being you.
00:51:34You got to lie
00:51:36to get somebody.
00:51:37You can't get nobody
00:51:38looking like you look,
00:51:40acting like you act,
00:51:42sounding like you sound.
00:51:44That's right,
00:51:44when you meet somebody
00:51:45for the first time,
00:51:46you're not meeting them,
00:51:48you're meeting
00:51:48their representative.
00:51:54That's right.
00:51:55That's right.
00:51:56Who's the biggest liar?
00:51:57Men or women?
00:51:59Women.
00:52:01Women.
00:52:03Women.
00:52:04Women.
00:52:04Hey,
00:52:06men,
00:52:07men lie the most,
00:52:08women tell the biggest lies.
00:52:11Men,
00:52:11we lie all the time.
00:52:13We lie so much
00:52:13it's damn near language.
00:52:16That's right.
00:52:17To call a man out
00:52:18for lying
00:52:19is like playing basketball
00:52:20with a retarded kid
00:52:22and calling him
00:52:22for devil dribble.
00:52:24You got to let
00:52:25some shit slide.
00:52:27You just got to
00:52:28let some shit slide.
00:52:30Men,
00:52:31we lie all the time.
00:52:32We lie all the time.
00:52:34You know what
00:52:34a man's lie is like?
00:52:35A man's lie is like,
00:52:36I was at Tony's house.
00:52:38I'm at Kidding's house.
00:52:39That's a man's lie.
00:52:40A woman's lie is like,
00:52:41it's your baby.
00:52:49A woman.
00:52:52Well,
00:52:53we've all heard that one.
00:52:55Hey,
00:52:55don't even look like me.
00:52:57Oh,
00:52:57he's got your hat.
00:53:01That's right.
00:53:02Who's the biggest lies?
00:53:03Women,
00:53:03the biggest lies.
00:53:04Biggest lies.
00:53:05Look at you.
00:53:06All of you.
00:53:07You lie.
00:53:07You a fucking lie.
00:53:08You,
00:53:09you,
00:53:09you,
00:53:09you,
00:53:10you,
00:53:10you,
00:53:10you,
00:53:10you.
00:53:13You a liar.
00:53:14You a liar.
00:53:15You're all liars.
00:53:17All of you fucking lies.
00:53:18Masters of the lies.
00:53:19The visual lies.
00:53:21Look at you.
00:53:22You got on heels.
00:53:23You ain't that tall.
00:53:26You got on makeup.
00:53:28Your face don't look like that.
00:53:29You got to weave.
00:53:31Your hair ain't that large.
00:53:33You got a wonder bra on.
00:53:34Your titties ain't that big.
00:53:37Everything about you is a lie.
00:53:39And you expect me to tell the truth.
00:53:41Fuck you.
00:53:52Men lie.
00:53:53We lie.
00:53:53We live lies.
00:53:55That's why we so crazy.
00:53:56Every now and then we catch ourselves living a lie.
00:53:59We create a whole lie world around us.
00:54:02For instance,
00:54:03every man in this room is hiding some porno in his house.
00:54:08Every man in here got a pornography stash in the crib.
00:54:12Not an illegal amount,
00:54:14just enough to get you by.
00:54:18And when we hide porno,
00:54:20we go all out.
00:54:21It ain't behind the refrigerator or under the bed.
00:54:23No,
00:54:23we become Batman when it's time to hide some porno.
00:54:26That's right.
00:54:27You hit the light switch,
00:54:29the whole bookshelf ship to the side.
00:54:32You go down two flights and stairs into your porno cellar.
00:54:36Janet Jackme,
00:54:38yes.
00:54:39Toby Kye,
00:54:40Gina Jameson,
00:54:41that's right.
00:54:42But women always find the porno.
00:54:45Always find the porno.
00:54:46But they don't find it in the porno hiding place.
00:54:49Oh,
00:54:49no,
00:54:50no.
00:54:50Where do women find the porno at?
00:54:52In the VCR.
00:54:54Oh,
00:54:57and fellas are like,
00:54:58damn,
00:54:58how can I be so dumb to leave it in the VCR?
00:55:02I'll tell you why.
00:55:03Cause when you're jerking off,
00:55:04you ain't in your right state of mind.
00:55:12Your brains are cloudy and foggy.
00:55:15I'll tell you exactly what happened.
00:55:17One day,
00:55:18your woman left early.
00:55:19You had the whole house to yourself.
00:55:22So you said,
00:55:23hey,
00:55:23let me get a little jerk before work.
00:55:29So you in the house getting your jerk on,
00:55:31nice good jerk too.
00:55:33You know that ain't nobody in the house jerk.
00:55:36That's a good jerk.
00:55:37It ain't like that.
00:55:38Somebody in the next room jerk.
00:55:40That's a bad jerk.
00:55:41That's like,
00:55:41eh,
00:55:42who there?
00:55:45I don't like that jerk.
00:55:47I'm talking about the good jerk.
00:55:49That nobody ain't home jerk.
00:55:51You get the Vaseline ready.
00:55:54And you just look at your dick and go scream if you want to.
00:55:57No one's going to hear.
00:56:01And right then your relationship's in trouble.
00:56:04That's right.
00:56:04Cause if you can't share what you like,
00:56:06you're going to have some problems.
00:56:07That's right.
00:56:08When you really love somebody,
00:56:09you got to love everything about it.
00:56:10You got to love the crust of a motherfucker.
00:56:13You can't just love the white part of the bread.
00:56:15You got to love the crust,
00:56:17the crumbs,
00:56:17the little fucking crumbs at the bottom of the toaster.
00:56:20That's what the real motherfucker is.
00:56:21Whatever you into,
00:56:23your woman got to be into too.
00:56:25And vice versa,
00:56:26or the shit ain't going to work.
00:56:27It ain't going to work.
00:56:30It ain't going to work.
00:56:32That's right.
00:56:33If you born again,
00:56:34your woman got to be born again too.
00:56:36If you a crackhead,
00:56:37your woman got to be a crackhead too.
00:56:39Or the shit won't work.
00:56:41You can't be like,
00:56:42I'm going to church.
00:56:43Where you going?
00:56:43Hit the pipe.
00:56:47That relationship ain't going nowhere.
00:56:50Well,
00:56:50two crackheads can stay together forever.
00:56:54That's right.
00:56:54What's going to happen?
00:56:55You're going to stop fucking.
00:56:57That's right.
00:56:57Stop talking.
00:56:58Stop fucking.
00:56:59Fellas,
00:56:59you ever been in bed with your woman?
00:57:01You're both talking dirty and you go too far.
00:57:04You say some shit that gets you kicked out of bed.
00:57:08And the woman's like,
00:57:09fuck me harder,
00:57:10harder,
00:57:10harder.
00:57:10Fuck me,
00:57:11daddy.
00:57:11Fuck me.
00:57:11Fuck me.
00:57:11Spike me.
00:57:12Fuck me.
00:57:12All right,
00:57:13you hoe.
00:57:13Who you calling the hoe?
00:57:17Who the fuck are you calling the hoe?
00:57:20Untie me.
00:57:28Yo,
00:57:28I ain't no expert in no shit,
00:57:29but yo fellas,
00:57:30if you're going to talk dirty to your woman,
00:57:32you got to talk with authority.
00:57:34You don't get a woman to do any nasty little thing you want.
00:57:37You say that shit like a man,
00:57:39make a little eye contact,
00:57:40pull a bass in your voice,
00:57:41she will do that shit.
00:57:43She wants to do that shit.
00:57:44She's dying to do that shit.
00:57:47Yo woman is nastier than you ever imagined.
00:57:52But,
00:57:53but you gotta come correct.
00:57:55Cause anything you mumble ain't getting done.
00:57:59You can't be in bed all unsure.
00:58:01Like,
00:58:01excuse me,
00:58:02excuse me,
00:58:04excuse me.
00:58:05I was wondering,
00:58:06I was wondering,
00:58:08a man might have a request.
00:58:10Could you lick my balls?
00:58:12Huh?
00:58:13I ain't licking nothing.
00:58:16Lick your own balls.
00:58:18See,
00:58:18if you'd have said it right,
00:58:19you'd have been in there.
00:58:21Now you got dry balls.
00:58:24That's right.
00:58:25Confidence always wins.
00:58:26You realize it is 1999.
00:58:29Some women still don't give head.
00:58:31Ninety fucking nine.
00:58:33Whenever I meet a girl that doesn't give head,
00:58:34I look at them like a damn Betamax.
00:58:36Like,
00:58:36they still make you?
00:58:42And when it comes to head,
00:58:44there's three types of women.
00:58:45Three types of women when it comes to head.
00:58:46A,
00:58:47women that don't give head.
00:58:48Bye.
00:58:48Leave.
00:58:49See ya.
00:58:50B,
00:58:51women that give you just enough head to shut you up.
00:58:55Yeah,
00:58:55meet the women,
00:58:56and they're like,
00:58:56huh,
00:58:57you okay?
00:59:12I hate the women.
00:59:14And number three,
00:59:15my favorite woman.
00:59:16The woman that like,
00:59:17nothing better than a suck a dick.
00:59:20That's right.
00:59:21God bless all of you.
00:59:23That's right.
00:59:23You make the world a better place to live in.
00:59:26I want you to suck my dick like you think the antidote's in it.
00:59:30Like you trying to get some Robitussin out there,
00:59:32motherfucker.
00:59:40That's right.
00:59:41That's right.
00:59:41Relationships,
00:59:41either get it too hard to maintain.
00:59:43Why are they so hard to maintain?
00:59:44Because at some point,
00:59:45you just stop talking.
00:59:47That's right.
00:59:48Everybody stops talking after a while.
00:59:50You know how you just come home and start nodding.
00:59:52Yeah,
00:59:52what's up?
00:59:53What's up?
00:59:54What's up?
01:00:02What's up?
01:00:03The thing this person has to say and it makes you sick to your stomach.
01:00:09You know what they going to say before it even comes out their mouth.
01:00:13And you just want to stab him in the neck with a pencil.
01:00:16You can't take the shit no more.
01:00:19And they're like,
01:00:20you're like,
01:00:21remember that time?
01:00:22Yeah,
01:00:22remember that time.
01:00:24Oh,
01:00:24ever tell you about the time?
01:00:25Yeah,
01:00:25you told me about the time.
01:00:27Stop telling me the same shit over and over again.
01:00:32Why don't you go out and get kidnapped and have some new shit happen to you?
01:00:37That's right.
01:00:38That's right.
01:00:39Fellas,
01:00:39you got to talk.
01:00:40You got to talk.
01:00:42Fellas,
01:00:42you got to talk.
01:00:43That's women's biggest complaint.
01:00:44You don't talk.
01:00:45You don't talk.
01:00:47You don't talk.
01:00:47You need to talk.
01:00:49Let's talk.
01:00:50You don't talk.
01:00:51That's right.
01:00:51Women love to talk.
01:00:53And that's right.
01:00:54If they're talking in the Olympics,
01:00:55a man wouldn't stand a chance.
01:00:58Women love to talk,
01:00:59but they won't talk to you.
01:01:00They won't talk to their man.
01:01:02But women don't want you to pout,
01:01:04pout,
01:01:04uh,
01:01:04uh,
01:01:05uh.
01:01:05Women just want you to listen,
01:01:07listen.
01:01:08And so all a woman really wants you to do is ask her the correct questions that will allow her
01:01:14to run her fucking mouth.
01:01:20You set her up,
01:01:21she'll knock them down.
01:01:23Fellas,
01:01:23you want your woman to be happy?
01:01:25All you got to say is,
01:01:26how was your day?
01:01:28How was your day?
01:01:29Honey,
01:01:29how was your day?
01:01:31You know why?
01:01:31Because how was your day is a 45-minute conversation to a woman.
01:01:36And as a man,
01:01:36you don't really got to talk.
01:01:38You got to just act like you're talking,
01:01:40like,
01:01:40uh-huh,
01:01:41get out of here.
01:01:42Go on.
01:01:42I don't believe it.
01:01:43You don't say,
01:01:44really?
01:01:45Get out of here.
01:01:46Go on.
01:01:47I don't believe it.
01:01:48You don't say,
01:01:49get out of here.
01:01:50I told you that bitch crazy.
01:01:54You got to throw in,
01:01:56I told you that bitch crazy.
01:01:57You know why?
01:01:58Because every woman's got another woman at her job that she can't stand.
01:02:05And women,
01:02:06y'all exaggerate everything.
01:02:07Y'all always turn it into some dynasty shit,
01:02:09like,
01:02:09she's trying to destroy me.
01:02:12What the fuck are you talking about?
01:02:13You wrap up bags in JCPennings.
01:02:16What she doing,
01:02:17ripping up your paper?
01:02:20That's right,
01:02:20fellas,
01:02:21you got to talk.
01:02:22Women,
01:02:22exact opposite.
01:02:23Y'all got to learn when not to talk.
01:02:25That's right.
01:02:26You ever notice how no man comes home straight from work?
01:02:29No man comes home straight from work.
01:02:31A man get off work,
01:02:32he got to go somewhere.
01:02:34He got to drink something.
01:02:36He got to smoke something.
01:02:37He got to watch the game.
01:02:39He got to hang with his boys.
01:02:41He got to take a drive.
01:02:42He got to do something
01:02:44that will mentally prepare him
01:02:46for all the talking.
01:02:47He gonna hear
01:02:48when he
01:02:49get
01:02:50her.
01:02:53Ladies,
01:02:54ladies,
01:02:55it ain't that you talk too much.
01:02:56You just talk too much
01:02:58as soon as we get in the fucking door.
01:03:00Let a man get situated.
01:03:02We don't need to hear everything right away.
01:03:04As soon as you take one step in,
01:03:06you're gonna believe it.
01:03:08You're gonna believe it.
01:03:09You're gonna believe it.
01:03:11You're gonna believe it.
01:03:12I'm out of the foot in the fucking door.
01:03:14Let me get something to eat.
01:03:15Let me get something to drink.
01:03:17Let me take a shit.
01:03:18Go in the fucking kitchen
01:03:20and give me my big piece of chicken.
01:03:22I'm out of here.
01:03:33Let me take a shot.
01:03:34Can you take a shot?
01:03:35Come on.
01:03:39Say,
01:03:40How about it?
01:03:40How about it?
01:03:41How about it?
01:03:41Say,
01:03:41Go Slip Pink.
01:03:43Go Slip Pink.
01:03:44Go Slip Pink.
01:03:46Go Slip Pink.
01:03:46heartburn,
01:03:47come on.
01:03:49Heartburn,
01:03:50Alright, y'all.
01:03:53Say,
01:03:53Chris.
01:03:54Chris.
01:03:55Chris Rock.
01:03:56Chris Rock.
01:03:57Say,
01:03:58Slip Ring.
01:03:59Slip Ring.
01:03:59Say,
01:04:00Dougie Press.
01:04:29Oh
01:04:37Oh
01:05:01Oh
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