Hawaiian - shirt enthusiast Gabriel "Fluffy" Iglesias finds laughs in racist gift baskets, Prius - driving cops and all - female taco trucks.
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00:00:14GABRIEL IGLESIAS
00:00:19Give it up and make some noise for Mr. Gabriel Iglesias!
00:00:56Let's go!
00:01:05Chicago!
00:01:11About time we do a special here.
00:01:18Before I say anything else you guys, a big hand for my friend, the man, the myth, the legend.
00:01:25Give it up for Marty!
00:01:34And the two guys you see standing right next to them are two of my oldest friends.
00:01:38Not only are they friends, they work for me.
00:01:40That's Ivan and Tony.
00:01:42Give Ivan and Tony a lot of love.
00:01:45In addition to that, this is so special right here.
00:01:48Ladies and gentlemen, handing me the microphone tonight is the NFL's Coach of the Year.
00:01:56And a former member of the baddest football team to ever step on a field.
00:02:05The 1985 Chicago Bears, Coach Ron Rivera!
00:02:25I gotta do it one time.
00:02:27The Bears.
00:02:34I am super excited you guys.
00:02:37Let me tell you, this is our 19th year coming to Chicago.
00:02:40Okay?
00:02:4119 years.
00:02:46The first time I came here, I got a chance to meet some people.
00:02:49And they said, you know what, Gabriel, have you ever been here?
00:02:51Have you ever been to Chicago?
00:02:52I'm like, no, it's my first time.
00:02:53They said, well, you know, we'd like to take you out to eat if you're down.
00:02:57And I'm like, well, hello.
00:02:59I am very down.
00:03:02They took me to a restaurant called Portillo's.
00:03:14You heard of it?
00:03:17So we get there, and it was.
00:03:19It was very, very good.
00:03:20The hot dogs were delicious.
00:03:21I had a chicken chopped salad.
00:03:23It was amazing.
00:03:24Had a beef dip.
00:03:25Really, really good.
00:03:26But it wasn't until the meal was almost over that these new friends of mine said,
00:03:31we'd like for you to try something you might not have ever had before.
00:03:35And I'm like, that's not likely.
00:03:39I said, well, what is it you want me to try?
00:03:41And they said, well, they sell a thing here at Portillo's called a chocolate cake shake.
00:03:53I said, you had me at chocolate.
00:03:56They said, well, you got to go up to the special window and you got to order it from the
00:04:00lady.
00:04:00So I'm like, okay, cool.
00:04:01So I get up and I walk over to the lady and she's like, can I help you?
00:04:04I said, yes.
00:04:05My friends are telling me that I need to try this thing called a chocolate cake shake.
00:04:10Okay.
00:04:10What size would you like?
00:04:12How good is it?
00:04:13You want a large.
00:04:16All right.
00:04:17Can I please have a large chocolate cake shake?
00:04:19No problem.
00:04:20And I paid.
00:04:21And she turns around.
00:04:22She turns around and she walks over to this little refrigerator that's on the counter.
00:04:27And she opens it up and she pulls out a piece of chocolate cake.
00:04:32And I'm thinking to myself, she must misunderstood what I said.
00:04:36I didn't ask for a piece of chocolate cake.
00:04:39I asked for a chocolate cake shake.
00:04:41She must've heard what I was thinking.
00:04:44Cause she's walking by and she's like, it's going to happen.
00:04:54She walks over to the blender.
00:04:56She takes the freaking lid off and she just looks at me and does this.
00:05:01And I was like, no.
00:05:06And she's like, oh yeah.
00:05:11She pours it and she hands me this like 44 ounce chocolate shake,
00:05:17which is way more than anybody should be drinking.
00:05:22The straw was so thick, you could almost fit your thumb in it.
00:05:25Okay.
00:05:26So I grabbed the shake and I begin to attempt to drink it.
00:05:31So I'm just.
00:05:34And I can see the shake coming up.
00:05:41And it hit.
00:05:43And then all of a sudden.
00:05:44Woo.
00:05:48Hell, you guys even have taco trucks.
00:05:52Now for anyone wondering about taco trucks, let me just let you know right now.
00:05:56That is real good Mexican food.
00:05:58I don't want you being concerned.
00:05:59Like, no, there's, there's wheels under that restaurant.
00:06:04Well, sometimes we don't have a permit.
00:06:05Okay, so.
00:06:07But it doesn't mean the food is not good.
00:06:11For me to know that I'm going to have a good experience at a taco truck.
00:06:14I always research and I look to see who's running the truck.
00:06:18For me to know that I'm going to have a good time.
00:06:20I want to make sure that it's an all female crew.
00:06:26Not to sound sexist.
00:06:27It's just that when it's all women running the truck, they make me feel good about myself.
00:06:32They make me feel special.
00:06:34When I walk up at one o'clock in the morning and I have a buzz, they make me feel
00:06:38good.
00:06:40Hello.
00:06:41They come to the window.
00:06:43Hola, mi gordito.
00:06:44Como estas?
00:06:46Como estas este gordito?
00:06:48Chuleta este gordito.
00:06:50Que bonito.
00:06:51A ver, a ver, ojitos.
00:06:52Ojitos.
00:06:53Ojitos.
00:06:56I feel like a kid.
00:06:58I'm like, can I have a taco?
00:07:01Whatever you want me to do.
00:07:04Now see, when it's an all Mexican male crew running the truck, it's late.
00:07:11They're tired.
00:07:12They're bitter.
00:07:14Customer service isn't our strongest point at one o'clock in the morning.
00:07:18And then you got to deal with a drunk knucklehead like me.
00:07:24Hello.
00:07:25And they come to the window.
00:07:26Que chingados quieres, pinche gordito.
00:07:28What you want?
00:07:29What you want?
00:07:31Hey, what's up, bro?
00:07:32Can I have a taco?
00:07:34Okay. What else?
00:07:36That's it.
00:07:41That's not even a word.
00:07:44But you know exactly what he just told you.
00:07:48For some reason, Mexican people and only Mexican people have this sound
00:07:53that comes out of us that can just discredit anything you put in front of it.
00:07:58It doesn't matter what it is.
00:08:00We can kill it with that sound.
00:08:02I just graduated from college.
00:08:03Top of my class.
00:08:11Fine, I'll work at Burger King.
00:08:13You know?
00:08:15Papi, this is my fiancé.
00:08:17He loves me.
00:08:20Fine, I'll be a whore.
00:08:27And speaking of whores, let me tell you where they put us up at.
00:08:33That's a bad segue.
00:08:35No, there's no whores at this hotel.
00:08:37Listen.
00:08:39I would like to personally thank the promoters for not only making this special happen,
00:08:43but for taking really good care of us.
00:08:44They put us at a hotel that's right across the street, you guys.
00:08:47And you know, you know you're in a good hotel when you get inside of the elevator and it talks.
00:08:55It's one of those, you know?
00:08:56First floor.
00:09:00Second floor.
00:09:02Third floor.
00:09:04I'm like, man, she sounds hot.
00:09:08Fourth floor.
00:09:14Fifth floor.
00:09:15Oh, yeah.
00:09:18Martina asked me, how far are you going up?
00:09:19I said, all the way.
00:09:23I gotta see how this ends, you know what I'm saying?
00:09:30And by the way, you guys, since the last time we were here, I've had a few things change in
00:09:34my life.
00:09:34Some things happened that were so crazy that I couldn't even believe that it was a possibility.
00:09:39First thing that happened was, I had my first ever celebrity death hoax.
00:09:46Meaning that someone faked my death on the internet and it went viral.
00:09:53Someone wrote an amazing article that was read by over 30 million people.
00:09:58That was so good, even I was like, oh my God, I was so nice.
00:10:07TMZ reported it for 30 minutes until they called my publicist and confirmed that I was still alive.
00:10:11The article said that I had died October 31st from complications of type 2 diabetes.
00:10:19And in my head I'm thinking to myself, that's a hell of a day to kill a diabetic.
00:10:24You know what I mean? That's like killing Santa on Christmas Eve.
00:10:3030 million people read this article.
00:10:33No one thought to call me.
00:10:36Except Martin.
00:10:39That's right.
00:10:43Martin was the only one that called me.
00:10:45And I think that was just to verify that he still had employment.
00:10:52I got that phone call.
00:10:55Hello?
00:10:56Martin was like, hey.
00:10:59You dead?
00:11:02No man, I'm good.
00:11:04I figured you would have texted me.
00:11:08And I would have, because that's the kind of friend I am, you know?
00:11:11I even asked my son Frankie, I said, Frankie, did you hear I died?
00:11:15That's what they meant.
00:11:18I go, what do you mean that's what they meant?
00:11:20Well, my friends were asking if you were okay.
00:11:23I go, what'd you tell them?
00:11:24I hadn't seen you.
00:11:27So, well, apparently I died.
00:11:30Welcome back.
00:11:34And that's another thing that's changed, you guys.
00:11:36My son Frankie is now 18 years old.
00:11:42And one week away from graduation.
00:11:51You guys are clapping, but he's not leaving.
00:11:55I've already asked him.
00:11:56I said, Frankie, what do you want to do with your life?
00:11:58Mm-hmm.
00:11:59Have you thought about college?
00:12:00Just now.
00:12:03I'm like, Frankie, you do realize that all you need to do
00:12:05is get accepted.
00:12:07I tell a lot of jokes.
00:12:09I will pay for your entire college education
00:12:12no matter where you want to go.
00:12:17As long as you get accepted.
00:12:20What do you think about that?
00:12:21Mm-hmm.
00:12:23I said, you know, if you want to go to school in California,
00:12:25we'll make it happen.
00:12:26You want to go to school out of state, we'll make it happen.
00:12:29I said, hell, I'll even do one of those international programs.
00:12:32You know, the ones where you give them one of your children
00:12:34and then they give you one of their children?
00:12:37What is it called when you kid swap?
00:12:39Student.
00:12:40Thank you. Sorry.
00:12:41That's right. Exchange.
00:12:42Some of you are like, that's called human trafficking.
00:12:49Different program.
00:12:51I would love to do an exchange program with my son,
00:12:55but don't give me a regular kid.
00:12:57If I'm going to do an exchange program,
00:12:59give me a kid from like a hardcore third world country
00:13:03so that he appreciates all the basic things
00:13:06most American children take for granted.
00:13:15That's why I say, give me little Tombutu.
00:13:19Give me Tombutu.
00:13:21I would love Tombutu and Tombutu would love me.
00:13:24Mr. Fluffy?
00:13:26Yes, Tombutu?
00:13:27I was wondering, what time do we go to sleep?
00:13:30You go to sleep whenever you like.
00:13:32This is your room.
00:13:34We sleep next door.
00:13:38All of this is for Tombutu?
00:13:42Yes, all of this is for Tombutu.
00:13:44In my village, two families sleep in an area this big.
00:13:49Well, here in America, one big-ass Mexican kid sleeps right here.
00:13:54Enjoy.
00:13:56And then I would take him to like IHOP or Denny's
00:13:58and let him order whatever he wants
00:14:00and just watch him lose it.
00:14:02This is the Thanksgiving I heard of.
00:14:05Thank you, Mr. Fluffy.
00:14:06If there is anything Tombutu can do for you,
00:14:09please tell me anything.
00:14:10Can you help me take out the trash?
00:14:12For you, I will eat the trash.
00:14:19Meanwhile, my son's on the other side of the world
00:14:21on top of an elephant trying to get Wi-Fi.
00:14:29I love my son very much, you guys.
00:14:31It's just that sometimes he doesn't get the position he's in.
00:14:34He doesn't realize it, which is why I love it
00:14:37whenever he brings his friends over.
00:14:38He brings his friends over the house
00:14:40and they're constantly saying what I'm saying.
00:14:43And as a parent, anytime you tell your kids something,
00:14:46that's one thing.
00:14:47When you can get their friends to say what you say,
00:14:49you can't pay for that.
00:14:51And they're always doing it.
00:14:53You know, Frankie, you're lucky, man.
00:14:54Your dad's trying to help you go to college.
00:14:56My dad wants me to get a job.
00:14:58Frankie, you're lucky, man.
00:14:59Your dad's trying to give you a car.
00:15:00My dad doesn't even trust me to walk.
00:15:02You're lucky, man.
00:15:04And I hear this and I'm like,
00:15:06I love these kids.
00:15:09Because, see, my son is very numb to this situation.
00:15:13He's very numb to all of you
00:15:15and he's very numb to Fluffy.
00:15:18Okay, he doesn't see Fluffy.
00:15:20He sees, Dad!
00:15:22Dad!
00:15:23I'm just Dad.
00:15:24You know, I'm the guy that tells him,
00:15:25clean your room, take a shower, and put on deodorant,
00:15:27which he does very well now.
00:15:36But you guys saw what I had to do to make that happen.
00:15:39See, his friends, on the other hand,
00:15:41they still get excited when they see me.
00:15:43They still geek out.
00:15:44I walk into the living room.
00:15:46They're all sitting there.
00:15:47Frankie sees me.
00:15:48Hey, Dad.
00:15:49His friends see me.
00:15:50They see this.
00:16:01With, like, doves.
00:16:06Can you imagine if every time you walked into a room,
00:16:09that happened?
00:16:09He's here!
00:16:12He's here!
00:16:20Ladies, imagine if your partner could do that for you.
00:16:23Huh?
00:16:24It's your anniversary, a celebration,
00:16:27some magical moment,
00:16:28or you're just laying there and you're drunk.
00:16:30And you're just like,
00:16:31what are you gonna do to me?
00:16:33What are you gonna do?
00:16:45One extra dove.
00:16:54And by the way, guys,
00:16:56if you're ever able to pull off the doves,
00:16:59just leave it at that.
00:17:01Don't try to top the doves.
00:17:02It's very hard to top the doves.
00:17:04Don't start running your mouth and talking smack.
00:17:07You're like, she's laying there,
00:17:08and don't start, you know,
00:17:09you don't even know what's gonna happen to you.
00:17:10You don't even understand.
00:17:11You're gonna get it.
00:17:12Don't do that,
00:17:13because, ladies, all you have to do is look at him
00:17:15and go, ah!
00:17:24Anyways, back to my son's friends.
00:17:27So my son has these two friends
00:17:29that come over the house all the time.
00:17:30One friend, his name is Ken,
00:17:32works a lot with computers.
00:17:34The other friend, his name is Fabian.
00:17:36He wants to be a police officer.
00:17:37Both of these kids are really, really good.
00:17:39Now, I keep calling everyone kids,
00:17:41even though they're all 18.
00:17:43But to me, they're kids.
00:17:44I'm almost 40.
00:17:45I'm like, eh, you know?
00:17:46Like, some of the conversations that we have
00:17:48are very adult-like.
00:17:50And the other conversations, I'm like,
00:17:52what am I doing with my life?
00:17:55For example, at home,
00:17:56at home, when I'm hanging out,
00:17:57I usually just wear, you know,
00:17:59very similar to now,
00:18:00except the Hawaiian shirt.
00:18:00I usually wear, like, a T-shirt
00:18:01that has, like, either Star Wars
00:18:03or Marvel Comics
00:18:05or Transformers on it
00:18:06or cartoons.
00:18:09You know, I like wearing stuff like that
00:18:10around the house.
00:18:11One day, I'm wearing a T-shirt
00:18:13that has the Avengers on the front.
00:18:16And I walk into the living room,
00:18:18and my son's friend, Fabian,
00:18:20sees me wearing this shirt.
00:18:21And so he starts pointing.
00:18:23And I'm like, what's up, dude?
00:18:24He goes,
00:18:25Weak.
00:18:27Excuse me?
00:18:29Weak.
00:18:30And then he says,
00:18:31DC's better.
00:18:34What did you say?
00:18:35DC's better.
00:18:36I'm like, DC's okay.
00:18:38You know, Obama lives there.
00:18:39They pass laws.
00:18:40They got hotels, historic museums.
00:18:42It's not even a real estate.
00:18:43I don't know why you're getting cray-cray.
00:18:44He goes, no, fool.
00:18:45DC Comics.
00:18:46And I'm like, hey, man,
00:18:47I'm almost 40.
00:18:48I don't care.
00:18:49It's just a really cool shirt.
00:18:50I like it.
00:18:50It fits.
00:18:53No big deal.
00:18:53That's because they are.
00:18:54I go, you need to relax.
00:18:55They're the best.
00:18:56I go, you need to chill.
00:18:57And in my head, I'm like,
00:18:58why am I having this conversation?
00:19:01I have better things to do with my time,
00:19:02like trying to get my son on an elephant.
00:19:04But no.
00:19:06The kid in me is like,
00:19:07why are they the best?
00:19:08And then he points at the shirt again.
00:19:09Iron Man sucks.
00:19:11Batman's number one.
00:19:12I go, why?
00:19:14Because he is.
00:19:15I go, that's not an argument.
00:19:16First of all, Batman's not the best superhero.
00:19:19I hate to break it to you.
00:19:19He's not.
00:19:22I can hear people already getting rid of Boo.
00:19:23They're like, oh, no, no, Fluffy.
00:19:25Don't go there.
00:19:25Don't go there, Fluffy.
00:19:27Don't do it.
00:19:27Yes, I'm going to do this.
00:19:28Watch this.
00:19:29Batman's not the best superhero.
00:19:31Batman is the creepiest superhero.
00:19:35Batman is the creepiest superhero that has ever lived.
00:19:38He even sounds creepy.
00:19:41I'm Batman.
00:19:43I'm Batman.
00:19:45I'm Batman.
00:19:45You don't recognize that voice?
00:19:47Want some candy?
00:19:50Help me find my puppy.
00:19:53Hello?
00:19:54He only comes out at night.
00:19:55His face is always covered up.
00:19:57He's always waiting in alleys.
00:19:58And who does he talk to?
00:20:00A guy named Joker.
00:20:01A guy named Riddler.
00:20:02His name is Batman.
00:20:03Joker, Riddler, Batman.
00:20:04Joker, Riddler, Batman.
00:20:05Those are Mexican gang member names.
00:20:11Can you imagine if that was Batman's real identity at night?
00:20:15I'm Batman.
00:20:16During the day?
00:20:18No, chinga su madre, su Batman noco.
00:20:20Todo pinche de aquí trabajando y luego le parte a la madre Joker.
00:20:24I'm Batman.
00:20:26I said, all right, Fabian, Mr. Batman's the best.
00:20:29Based on my t-shirt, my t-shirt says Marvel Comics.
00:20:32I said, I see Thor.
00:20:34I see Captain America.
00:20:35I see Iron Man.
00:20:37Who are some of the superheroes that DC Comics has that makes them better than Marvel?
00:20:42Go.
00:20:43Batman.
00:20:43You said that.
00:20:45Superman.
00:20:45That's a good one.
00:20:47Wonder Woman.
00:20:47Okay.
00:20:48Green Lantern.
00:20:49Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:20:52I said, I know the other superheroes, but Green Lantern?
00:20:57What's his power?
00:20:59He wears a ring and the ring gives him power.
00:21:01He said, that's a fantasy.
00:21:03I don't know any man who wears a ring who has power.
00:21:14And if you're not clapping right now, my point exactly.
00:21:20You can't clap, can you?
00:21:22You can't.
00:21:22You know why you can't clap?
00:21:25Because you're sitting next to Kryptonite.
00:21:36He's not even clapping.
00:21:37He's like, no, no, no, no.
00:21:39No.
00:21:39No, me pega Wonder Woman.
00:21:40No, no.
00:21:46Listen, you guys.
00:21:47I'm not gonna lie.
00:21:47You know why.
00:21:48Sometimes, sometimes I feel just a pinch.
00:21:51A pinch like a superhero in the sense that I'm able to walk out in front of large groups of
00:21:57people, change people's moods, make people smile, make people laugh, make people feel a little bit better.
00:22:06By that same token, like any superhero, I have my weaknesses too.
00:22:10You know, I come out here and I make you happy.
00:22:12And then I go home and I piss off one person.
00:22:18Cause she don't want to hear about this.
00:22:20She doesn't want to hear about you guys.
00:22:22I can't go home and brag.
00:22:24Baby, it was crazy in Chicago.
00:22:26That's nice.
00:22:27Take out the trash.
00:22:29But they were clapping and chanting my name.
00:22:33Oh, is that gonna help?
00:22:34Okay.
00:22:34Take out the trash.
00:22:36Take out the trash.
00:22:37Take out the trash.
00:22:39Take out the trash.
00:22:40Come on.
00:22:44Fire.
00:22:45But they told me, they love me!
00:22:48Ah!
00:23:20Oh, my God.
00:23:24Do you guys have any idea how hard it's going to be to go home and take out the trash
00:23:30now?
00:23:34Oh, my God.
00:23:36This is awesome.
00:23:37I hear some of you, too.
00:23:38You guys okay over here?
00:23:41That's a big compliment, by the way.
00:23:42Anytime I hear people in the arena and they're freaking...
00:23:47That lets me know I'm making you laugh so much.
00:23:50Your own body is rejecting the activity that you're participating in.
00:23:55Your own lungs are telling you, this is not good for you.
00:23:58You need to leave, but you're stubborn.
00:24:00You're like, no, the ticket was expensive.
00:24:05That's usually from guys.
00:24:06From women, it's a little bit different.
00:24:08Anytime I hear women laughing so much that they begin to snort...
00:24:15You're already laughing.
00:24:16That tells me I'm making you laugh so much, I'm causing you to inhale and exhale at the same time,
00:24:23forcing you to make that...
00:24:27And if I hear a woman snort more than two times, that tells me I made you pee just a
00:24:32little.
00:24:42I love that, bro.
00:24:43You were pointing out the whole time, and she's like, you asshole.
00:24:47Thanks for having my back.
00:24:50Another thing that I now consider a compliment is that from time to time, I have people who are experiencing
00:24:57their first ever comedy event.
00:24:59And they're not accustomed to laughing for long periods of time.
00:25:03And they get so excited and so involved with the show that they forget.
00:25:09They forget to do a very basic thing, called breathing.
00:25:15You'd be amazed how many times I've seen this in the front row.
00:25:19Just...
00:25:23And they pass the hell out.
00:25:26The messed up part is only I can see what's happening.
00:25:31And they're usually like, you know, Fluffy, do something.
00:25:33I'm like...
00:25:34Do something.
00:25:36I'm like...
00:25:36I'm like...
00:25:44He woke up.
00:25:50I had a lady one time, up in the balcony, who laughed herself unconscious.
00:25:57And she went forward, and she wound up hitting her head on the rail that was in the aisle.
00:26:03Now, I couldn't see this because I'm on stage, and I had spotlights in my face.
00:26:07And it wasn't until after the show was over, when Martin came back out on stage, and he took the
00:26:12microphone.
00:26:13And then he tells me in my ear,
00:26:14Bro, some lady just got hurt in the balcony.
00:26:17The paramedics are here.
00:26:18They have her in the lobby.
00:26:19Let's go check on her.
00:26:20I'm like, let's go.
00:26:21So we go behind the curtain.
00:26:23Security is waiting for us with the car.
00:26:25So we jump in the car, and...
00:26:28They raced us around to the front of the building.
00:26:31Now, as soon as we get to the front, we see an ambulance.
00:26:34We start walking in.
00:26:36And now, not to take anything away from this serious moment, because this really did happen.
00:26:42It's a little bit funny in the sense that my show just finished, and people are now starting to leave
00:26:50the building.
00:26:51They just saw me on stage a minute ago, and now they see me walking in the front door.
00:26:58You gotta see it through my eyes, you know?
00:27:08He's big, but he's fast.
00:27:09I don't know how the hell he did that one.
00:27:10That's pretty good.
00:27:14I come in, and immediately, I cut right to where the lady and the paramedics are sitting on the steps
00:27:19leading to the balcony.
00:27:20Now, the lobby is starting to fill up with people, and I'm trying to get from point A to point
00:27:24B without getting stopped.
00:27:25So, I started doing this, and I know it's gonna look a little weird, but it worked.
00:27:30Are you okay?
00:27:32Are you alright?
00:27:34People see me doing this, and immediately, they're like puzzled.
00:27:36The way you looked at me right now, they looked at me like this, and they did this.
00:27:39What the hell is he doing?
00:27:41It made everybody take two steps back and do like this.
00:27:44It created a hole for me to get to them.
00:27:46And then they see the paramedics, and they realize what I was trying to do.
00:27:50Everything was fine until I got really close, and then one of the paramedics calls me out.
00:27:55What are you doing to the lady?
00:27:56I go, listen, sir, the woman obviously sustained a head injury, and I'm just giving her a chance to process
00:28:02the fact that it's really me.
00:28:03And I'm slowly getting closer to her.
00:28:10I realize now that I'm in this incredible position where I can no longer walk up from behind someone at
00:28:15one of my shows and go, hey!
00:28:19Why not?
00:28:20Because then, clear!
00:28:23Floppy killed another one.
00:28:26So finally, the lady looks up.
00:28:28She must have been 55, 60, little Asian woman.
00:28:32She sees me, and she's like,
00:28:36You too funny.
00:28:41You almost killed me!
00:28:45I am so sorry.
00:28:46Are you okay?
00:28:47Is there anything I could do to make you feel better?
00:28:50Yes.
00:28:52Yes, I feel a bit.
00:28:53I would like a two t-shirt.
00:28:57I'm gonna get you two t-shirts.
00:28:59And two DVDs.
00:29:03I'm like, you're not that hurt.
00:29:04Get your ass over here.
00:29:05Come on.
00:29:07So I stand her up, and immediately one of the paramedics, hey, hey, she hit her head.
00:29:11She shouldn't be standing.
00:29:12I said, listen, I'm the artist performing here tonight.
00:29:15I accept full responsibility over this woman.
00:29:17I got her.
00:29:18It's cool.
00:29:18Plus, she's tiny.
00:29:19We're only walking 10 feet to the merchandise table.
00:29:22No big deal.
00:29:23She said, come on.
00:29:23I got you.
00:29:24Let's go.
00:29:25As soon as we start walking, she starts venting.
00:29:33Mr. Fluffy, you have no idea what kind of week I have.
00:29:39My son, he married this girl.
00:29:41She no cook, no clean.
00:29:44Moving to my house.
00:29:45Now I have to cook and clean for two.
00:29:48Some bullshit.
00:29:53And I'm like, oh my God, that's gonna happen to me.
00:29:59Mr. Fluffy, I must apologize to you because I do not know who you are until today.
00:30:07I have a friend who give me a ticket.
00:30:10She says, Susie, you stress so much.
00:30:12You need to get out.
00:30:14Husband win ticket in the raffle.
00:30:16Only have one ticket.
00:30:17You take it.
00:30:18So I look at the ticket.
00:30:20Ticket say, the Fluffy.
00:30:23Fluffy.
00:30:23I don't know what a comedy show is because I never go to a comedy show.
00:30:28I see Fluffy.
00:30:29I think it's a musical like a cat.
00:30:33I say, okay, I go see Fluffy cats.
00:30:37So I come here early so I can get the popcorn and the soda.
00:30:42And so I sit and I wait for Fluffy cats.
00:30:45Next thing I know, your friend Martin, he walked out on stage with a big hair, big goatee.
00:30:53I say, oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
00:30:55This not the cats.
00:30:56This not the cats.
00:30:58This lion king.
00:31:04That's a Mexican Mufasa.
00:31:08And he start cracking jokes.
00:31:10And I start laughing.
00:31:12I laugh.
00:31:12I laugh.
00:31:13Then you come out on stage.
00:31:14I cannot take.
00:31:15I can't breathe.
00:31:17I black out.
00:31:18And when I wake up, I have an ice pack on the head, blood in the eye, and the two
00:31:23young
00:31:23white paramedics, they both touch me right here.
00:31:27They say, are you okay?
00:31:29Are you okay?
00:31:30Are you okay?
00:31:32Are you okay?
00:31:32What did you tell them?
00:31:32Oh, never better.
00:31:39Susie never have a two young white men touch me right here at the same time.
00:31:43Oh, your show very special, Mr. Fluffy.
00:31:46Very special.
00:31:47Your show like a make a wish.
00:31:52If I have a scar.
00:31:54You're gonna sue me?
00:31:55No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:31:57No.
00:31:58Not going to sue.
00:32:00If I have a scar and the friends ask me, hey, how you get the scar?
00:32:07Now I have a great story to tell.
00:32:10I'm going to say, two white men, same time.
00:32:22While a Mexican watch.
00:32:29I get her back to the paramedics.
00:32:30The paramedics are like, she's a handful, huh?
00:32:33I'm like, oh yeah, she's horny.
00:32:35She likes you.
00:32:35So here you go.
00:32:38As soon as I turn around, all I see is a lobby full of people and a bunch of cell
00:32:43phones.
00:32:44There's footage of what I just told you out there.
00:32:46Everybody was recording what happened.
00:32:47But what I thought was cool is that everybody waited for me to finish with the lady and the paramedics.
00:32:51And then all of a sudden, when I turned around, people started coming up.
00:32:55Some people wanted to shake my hand.
00:32:56Some people wanted to high five.
00:32:58One guy, one guy just wanted to hug me.
00:33:00And he didn't say anything.
00:33:02He just hugged me.
00:33:03Just, are you okay?
00:33:07You sure?
00:33:09All right.
00:33:09Couple of kids are looking at me.
00:33:11They're like...
00:33:14And for me, I thought that was so cute because I recognized that twinkle.
00:33:18I've looked at someone like that before.
00:33:20I've been starstruck many, many times.
00:33:22As a matter of fact, this past year, I got to meet one of my childhood heroes.
00:33:26I got to meet Arnold Schwarzenegger.
00:33:30Now, some of you are clapping.
00:33:32Some of you are like, wait, wait, wait.
00:33:33Well, here's the thing.
00:33:34I didn't love him as a politician and I was too young to know him as a bodybuilder.
00:33:39All I knew is the movie Terminator was my favorite movie and he was the Terminator.
00:33:46So, here's the story.
00:33:48I'm in LA at this red carpet event for some movie that I still haven't seen.
00:33:54I'm standing there with my publicist, okay?
00:33:57I'm standing there with my publicist and she's explaining to me how the red carpet works.
00:34:02Listen, Gabriel, this is what's going to happen.
00:34:04You're going to go down the red carpet and then the paparazzi is going to start taking photos of you
00:34:08and then someone's going to ask you some questions.
00:34:10It's a lot of fun.
00:34:11Then we'll go inside and then we'll go to the after party.
00:34:14It's going to be great.
00:34:15As she's telling me this, I'm looking around and I look over and I notice.
00:34:18I see him.
00:34:19I see Arnold Schwarzenegger and I freak out.
00:34:22I see him.
00:34:23I see him.
00:34:23I see him.
00:34:24I see him.
00:34:25I see him.
00:34:26I see him.
00:34:27Relax.
00:34:28Relax.
00:34:29You've never met Arnie?
00:34:31I said, no, I've never met Arnie.
00:34:36I work with him all the time.
00:34:37He's really nice.
00:34:39Would you like me to introduce you?
00:34:41I'm like, yes.
00:34:44She takes me by the hand and she walks me directly to Arnold.
00:34:49I'm freaking out so bad.
00:34:50I look like a big ass toddler.
00:34:57We get over to Arnold Schwarzenegger's area and he's Arnold Schwarzenegger.
00:35:00He's already got a big group of people around him waiting to take a photo.
00:35:04So I'm just patiently waiting.
00:35:06As I'm watching him, you guys, I got to tell you right now, no one on this planet is better
00:35:12at meeting people than Arnold Schwarzenegger.
00:35:16He is the greatest people meter I've ever witnessed.
00:35:19And the reason I say this is because when you meet him, he's very engaging.
00:35:24He grabs your hand.
00:35:25He pulls you in.
00:35:26He looks at you in the eyes and he turns it on.
00:35:29When you meet Arnold, you get exactly what you think you're going to get.
00:35:35It's awesome to watch.
00:35:37How are you?
00:35:38So nice to meet you.
00:35:39You're so strong.
00:35:40You pump iron.
00:35:40Aye, look at you.
00:35:41This is incredible.
00:35:42Got these lights and this red carpet.
00:35:44This is incredible.
00:35:45Excuse me.
00:35:45How are you?
00:35:46Aye, you're so strong.
00:35:47You pump iron.
00:35:48This is incredible.
00:35:49Look at you.
00:35:50People are walking away from him looking at their hand.
00:35:56They're looking at their hand, you guys.
00:35:5810 minutes, I'm watching Arnold Schwarzenegger light people up.
00:36:01And then I notice something else.
00:36:02I notice that Arnold has a handler, a guy who stands right behind him.
00:36:08And it's this guy's job to basically reset Arnold for the next person he's about to meet.
00:36:16Arnold Schwarzenegger will never cut off a conversation with the fan.
00:36:20The guy behind him listens in on the conversation and he determines when enough is enough.
00:36:25And then he signals Arnold to cut it off and move on.
00:36:28Here's the signal.
00:36:29He grabs the back of Arnold's arm right there.
00:36:32Two times.
00:36:33One, two.
00:36:33That lets Arnold know.
00:36:35Cut it off.
00:36:35Time to move on.
00:36:37Always to the left.
00:36:38Awesome to watch.
00:36:39This is incredible what these lights and these special effects is going on here.
00:36:43Excuse me.
00:36:43How are you?
00:36:44Nice to meet you.
00:36:45You're so strong.
00:36:46Aye.
00:36:46I'm like.
00:36:47Oh.
00:36:48So I yell out to the handler.
00:36:50Aye.
00:36:51And the handler turns around.
00:36:53Hit him.
00:36:54I want to meet him.
00:36:55Hit him.
00:36:56And he starts laughing because now he sees that I see how the Terminator is really working.
00:37:03So he gives me one of these.
00:37:06Next thing you know he is lighting Arnold up.
00:37:10He is hitting Arnold so fast.
00:37:12Arnold can barely keep up.
00:37:14Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me.
00:37:15Hello, how are you?
00:37:16Excuse me, pardon me.
00:37:16Hi five, hi five, hi-five.
00:37:17Hi, hi, hi, hi, pardon me, excuse me, hello, how are you, very good.
00:37:19Pounder, pounder, pounder, pounder, pounder, pounder, pounder, pounder, pounder, pounder, pounder, pounder, pounder, pounder, pounder, pounder.
00:37:23He's coming down the line, coming down the line, coming down the line, and I'm just waiting.
00:37:27And I stick my hand out and he grabbed it.
00:37:30How are you?
00:37:34I recognize you.
00:37:36I know who you are.
00:37:38You're the comedian who does the joke about the Indian man trying to rob a bank,
00:37:42but he cannot rob the bank because they are making fun of him.
00:37:48and in my head I'm like outside I'm like yeah that's me you were hysterical
00:37:58give me your contact information you were the funniest person excuse me how
00:38:01are you nice to meet you you're so strong
00:38:07meeting Arnold is like a really good roller coaster you want to go to the end
00:38:11and meet him one more time you know it was so cool because I'm watching him and
00:38:16people started recording him and for me you guys it's one of those things where
00:38:19I'm finding myself in a very interesting situation right now because I like
00:38:25hanging out I like going out I've been drunk in Chicago many many times I like
00:38:31to have fun here's the problem I recently signed a contract with ABC
00:38:40television in hopes of producing my very own sitcom for TV
00:38:49it's not a guarantee but I am guaranteed a pilot here's the problem ABC is owned by
00:38:58Disney Disney is such a huge brand that anytime someone threatens the way you
00:39:06look at that brand they are dealt with in a very un Disney like way this sitcom that
00:39:12I'm producing is about me I play myself I play Gabriel Iglesias it's about me my
00:39:18family my friends my friend Martin is not allowed on the show not for me take it up
00:39:28with the mouse they look at your social media they look at all of your stuff that
00:39:33you have online if there's anything about you that doesn't fit that model they
00:39:37will freaking mmm and I'm paranoid because Disney's so big they're so huge
00:39:42they own television stations they own radio stations they own Marvel Comics they
00:39:46own Star Wars I don't need that phone call you know hello mmm fucked up you did
00:40:03I'm so freaking paranoid you guys because nowadays people are always recording if you do something
00:40:10that might look stupid it can still end up turning out even worse for example let's say I fall off
00:40:16the
00:40:16stage tonight and someone's recording that if TMZ gets a hold of that it can go viral and god forbid
00:40:22something happens to me it can make the news we're standing here in front of the all-state
00:40:27arena in Rosemont Illinois where authorities believe fluffy lost control the 39 year old
00:40:33comedian was found dead for the second time in two years no one knows exactly what happened
00:40:59that's why I'm saying you guys I gotta be careful because I still enjoy my habits I still like drinking
00:41:05and of course then some people pull me aside and say well Gabriel why do you drink
00:41:09why do you drink you have so many responsibilities and people you take care of why do you drink
00:41:15why do you drink because I have a lot of responsibilities and people that take care of
00:41:21some of you already know because you've been to my shows in the past my poison of choice is tequila
00:41:32way
00:41:32certain alcohol I no longer mess with anymore like I no longer mess with Jaeger
00:41:37see first of all any alcohol that will make you say its name is not safe and that's the only
00:41:44alcohol
00:41:45that will make you do that that's the only one you hear people Jaeger you don't hear anyone else you
00:41:52you don't hear Mexicans tequila way you don't hear black people Hennessy playa you don't hear Japanese
00:42:03Jaeger is scary for a few reasons one I'm type 2 diabetic I shouldn't even be drinking
00:42:09but Jaeger has twice as much sugar in it second thing is the consistency it's very sticky it's like
00:42:16cough syrup so if you drink too much of it it holds on longer than anything else and it's nasty
00:42:20when you drink it you're like
00:42:26it's horrible
00:42:29if you drink too much of it it holds on longer than anything else you know what I'm saying like
00:42:34if you have one too many beers you know what happens you get the and then you return it to
00:42:38the rightful
00:42:38owner Jaeger makes you feel like you gotta bring it back but you can't all it does is make you
00:42:44dramatic
00:42:45for 45 minutes until it lets go you've seen someone like that hey you okay I'm fine
00:42:57they can't throw up all they're doing is six minute abs
00:43:08people look at you the next day are you into fitness no I'm a drunk
00:43:14yeah Jaeger is scary another alcohol I refuse to mess with anymore is wine
00:43:22look at the people over there we're from Schaumburg
00:43:36for those of you that don't know Schaumburg is kind of the Beverly Hills of the area so
00:43:40I'm sure you figured that one out by now um my issue with wine is very simple I don't like
00:43:47the fact
00:43:47that wine is socially accepted and what I mean by that is that if you see someone with a bottle
00:43:53of
00:43:53wine if you see a guy crossing the street with a bottle of wine immediately he's judged but in a
00:43:59positive way because wine is always associated with something high class something positive
00:44:04something progressive an anniversary a celebration a promotion so you try to figure it out hey what
00:44:08do you think is going on over there graduation promotion it's got to be good hey good for you buddy
00:44:16women see a man with a bottle of wine holding a couple of glasses and immediately
00:44:29it's still alcohol it will still mess you up the main reason why I don't like wine is because you
00:44:35cannot accurately measure wine you can measure real liquor it's called a shot and you know after
00:44:41drinking enough times what you can handle and what you can't handle because people who drink a lot
00:44:46love to brag about their drinking abilities they have their drinking number right they have their drinking
00:44:53number you'll hear them 11 shots of don julio yeah they have their drinking number even women after four
00:45:04shots of cuervo I am so good four shots is my sweet spot what happens if you do five I'll
00:45:12wake up in an
00:45:13alley what happens if you do six that's how I met tyrone
00:45:25see with wine you cannot accurately measure how much you're drinking unless you're basing it on the
00:45:30bottle and if you're basing it on the bottle then that's a whole different issue with wine the glasses
00:45:36are always different sizes sometimes they're big glasses sometimes they're small glasses and a lot of
00:45:41times you need to rely on someone to pour it for you sometimes they know what they're doing sometimes
00:45:45they don't sometimes they fill it up too high which is not the proper amount sometimes they get it just
00:45:50right which is a little bit less than half of the glass sometimes you get that greedy bastard from
00:45:54Olive Garden you know what I'm talking about where you get that little sample then you have to hold it
00:45:57up in direct sunlight and do this then you're drinking like that's pretty good I got a coupon for that
00:46:03here you go
00:46:05and you never see wine drinkers drinking with real drinkers in dive bars you might see them at a social
00:46:13gathering like this one or some corporate function but never at a little hole in the wall you'll never
00:46:19see yeah yeah and in the middle mellow I say oh this is a fantastic establishment I truly enjoy the
00:46:29decor
00:46:29here it is amazing this is brilliant I tell you who cuts your grass fantastic
00:46:38I'm sorry that voice always makes me laugh I like it it makes me smile you know when we're here
00:46:43in America whenever I travel and I perform in England that voice takes on a different meaning
00:46:50now I heard a woo do we have people in the house from the UK all right let me tell
00:46:55the rest of the
00:46:55people about you I love it whenever people from from the UK come here to the United States because
00:47:03when we hear you speak you sound incredible you sound amazing you sound educated you sound inspirational
00:47:11that accent is so proper it is so proper it doesn't matter what you're talking about we're drawn
00:47:17to whatever it is you could be talking about trash it sounds amazing who could leave all this rubbish
00:47:23here this is such a travesty this is all this destruction here all over the sidewalk okay someone
00:47:27must tend to this at once this is ridiculous people are listening in I don't know what happened over
00:47:32there but the shit hit the fan that guy from England is pissed I don't know what the hell is
00:47:39rubbish
00:47:42see it's very different now when one of us goes over there man it's very very different because
00:47:48see we don't sound the same as them as a matter of fact as Americans we we have a certain
00:47:53way with
00:47:53the English language do you understand how we sound to them I mean seriously do you know how you know
00:48:02how
00:48:02they look at us when they hear us speak we sound like this to them I'll tell you right now
00:48:07the
00:48:08other day I was hanging out with Phil right that son bitch come over the house we had ourselves a
00:48:12good
00:48:12old time who's that me and Phil and by the way if you sound like that here tonight I'm just
00:48:18kidding
00:48:18there's just jokes don't don't feel like just you know I'm gonna wait for his ass outside I see how
00:48:24fun he is when he gets the parking lot fluff in my ass
00:48:31I just think it's funny that no matter what they talk about over there they sound the same it sounds
00:48:39the same you know whereas with us Americans we speak according to our environment we change it
00:48:47up we morph we adapt we all have our for example we all have our trying to get a good
00:48:53job voice
00:48:56when you walk in for that interview you don't sound the way you sound on a Saturday night when you're
00:49:00having a couple drinks no you clean it up you practice in the car and when you walk in you
00:49:05turn it on
00:49:06if you'll check my references you'll see him more than qualified for this position
00:49:09please feel free to call Frank Torres Frank will tell you the amazing job I did for him two and
00:49:13a
00:49:14half weeks ago listen I'm ready to work seven days a week 365 days a year no job is too
00:49:19big no task
00:49:20is too small you can count on me I'm the right person for the job please keep me in mind
00:49:24thank you so
00:49:24much for your time and then you get to the parking lot and then you get to the parking lot
00:49:29and you're like
00:49:41you guys know we all have our daytime voice that we have around our family and our friends and our
00:49:46children you know and then we have our late night voice you know our party voice yeah and then if
00:49:54you're lucky enough you have your late late late night voice that's right you don't even know what's
00:50:06like some of you are looking at me like oh my god fluffy's a freak
00:50:10I'm just giving an example all the kids are like oh this is different
00:50:17sorry because I see those kids and they're just like
00:50:21dad's like pinchy fluffy no no no no bad fluffy bad fluffy bad fluffy
00:50:27but see now over there they sound the same no matter what they're doing when they apply for a job
00:50:32if you check my references you will see I'm more than qualified for this position
00:50:36when they party if you'll pour me the wine I will drink it it is brilliant I tell you
00:50:41when they're making love I'm going to part your legs like the red sea
00:50:46oh I'm going to defile you in such an amazing fashion you will rule the day you came across
00:50:50me at that local pub I'm going to lower my drawbridge and introduce you to the queen yes I shall
00:50:55and when you arrive at that magical moment I want you to scream victory victory my job is done here
00:51:15the only messed up part about that joke is that that's the only joke the kids remember
00:51:21it'll be two weeks from now you're trying to get in the room you're like why is this door locked
00:51:25and
00:51:25then you hear victory
00:51:29I see a couple of young adults right there how old are you guys yeah 13 wow and next to
00:51:34you
00:51:35how old are you you're 10 oh okay I am so sorry for what Martin said
00:51:4410 years old but you know what though I can't I can't feel too bad because you know what 10
00:51:47year
00:51:47olds are young adults you are a young adult I don't see you as a kid a kid to me
00:51:51first of all is
00:51:52someone who doesn't have access to the internet you have I'm sure a tablet or a cell phone or access
00:51:59to
00:51:59online services right services what the hell is he talking about bad choice of words you know what I mean
00:52:05right you've probably seen and heard a few things already and the parents are like no no no not my
00:52:11child no I locked their phone yeah but you don't lock their friend's phone I feel bad whenever I say
00:52:18something that that's kind of like uh risque whenever parents bring like a four-year-old five-year-old six
00:52:23year old and yes it happens um then I feel bad because then I'll meet them after the show and
00:52:27I'm like
00:52:28I am so sorry for what you heard me say and it's always funny to see the parents say oh
00:52:32they hear
00:52:33worse at home nothing like watching a four-year-old confirm that you know just
00:52:45like for example my son he's 18 years old but he still doesn't cuss at home okay now whatever he
00:52:51does
00:52:51in public I have no control over but at home he knows he cannot cuss one time one time in
00:52:58like 13
00:52:59years I caught my son cussing at home and I couldn't even get mad he had fallen down the stairs
00:53:07I don't mean to laugh but think about it what am I gonna do to him that's worse than what
00:53:11he just did
00:53:12to himself I heard it too just son of a bitch I ran over I didn't even check his safety
00:53:23I was like
00:53:23what did you say okay you earned that one I said if you want to say the f-word next
00:53:33time let me push you
00:53:35that's when I knew he fell hard really no get up here come on
00:53:40well cool welcome you guys I hope you have a good time I know you're getting nervous dad
00:53:43you see me talking to you like what's he telling my son no nothing nothing being cool but thank you
00:53:48for trusting me to bring your kids to the show yeah for your young adults sorry thank you for trusting
00:53:54me to bring your young adults to the show and by the way I know I keep pointing at people
00:53:59in the
00:53:59front right here uh if you're here tonight with someone you have no business being here with
00:54:07and you see a camera coming by just be like a a victory
00:54:16they're very respectful they'll go to the next person don't even worry about that
00:54:22before I forget you guys I would like to thank the all-state arena for providing some amazing
00:54:26accommodations backstage let me tell you right now I love my dressing room for the simple fact that it
00:54:32has basic things that I really like like light switches a lot of these arenas are now starting
00:54:39to go green and so they're taking away the light switches and they're replacing them with sensors
00:54:43sensors are cool when they work you know what I mean like when you're 10 feet away and it senses
00:54:48you
00:54:49and the whole room just what I don't like is that when they're messed up then you have to walk
00:54:55into a dark
00:54:56ass room and establish your presence
00:55:05but then you stand still for four seconds
00:55:11in addition backstage my sink has knobs on it I have control of the temperature and the pressure of the
00:55:18water which in the Chicago area I believe is very important especially in the winter
00:55:24oh man you guys are no joke in the winter you need warm water when you wash your hands you
00:55:28can't
00:55:29rely on a sensor that gives you nothing but cold water because you wash your hands with cold water your
00:55:32hands get all cryptic then you go outside and people are making fun of you look at thriller
00:55:42my dressing room you guys has a sink that has hot and cold you can control the water you can
00:55:49control
00:55:49the temperature you can control the pressure I hate it when they take that away from us and they
00:55:53replace it with that little sensor so now in addition to being a comedian now I got to be a
00:55:57magician
00:55:59I'm not a magician but if you watch me wash my hands that's what I look like you know just
00:56:06nothing then you walk away
00:56:10I feel like there's someone behind the mirror messing with me like watch this
00:56:16some places stop there some places keep going I like a lot of soap when I wash my hands I
00:56:22like a good
00:56:22soap dispenser I like the you know the pump the I hate it when they take that away from us
00:56:28and then
00:56:28they replace it with that little spout that goes next to the faucet you stick your hand under it and
00:56:34gives you that little booger of soap you know what I mean that little moco you put it under
00:56:43you know you need more so you pull it out and then you go back in but the sensor's like
00:56:47no it's still you
00:56:51now you got to trick it right
00:56:55once you get enough soap on your hands now you got to try to wash it off but you can't
00:56:59wash it off then
00:57:00there because the timer for the water has timed out so now you have to back up and now you
00:57:04have
00:57:04to put on a second performance now it's a race to get that soap off your hands once you get
00:57:09the
00:57:10soap off your hands now you got to try to dry your hands some places still give you a towel
00:57:14some places
00:57:14give you paper towels some take the paper towels and they put them in a box on the wall with
00:57:19another
00:57:19sensor and there you are
00:57:25three inches of paper three inches chicago you can't do anything with three inches ask any woman
00:57:32they'll tell you
00:57:37or a guy i'm equal opportunity
00:57:42i need control of the paper i need the crank
00:57:53some places stop there some places keep going have you ever walked into the bathroom stall
00:57:59close the door locked it turned around looked at the toilet and seen a blinking red light on the wall
00:58:04and you're like really here too all you're trying to do is get the tissue paper off the
00:58:10wall for the toilet seat you take one step
00:58:15i haven't even done anything you grab the paper
00:58:43you turn around and you put it on like a cape
00:58:47and you let it slide down your back while you slowly try to time it just right
00:58:52and just as you're about to sit down somebody always walks into the bathroom and distracts you
00:58:56but it's too late your knees are bent and unless you do crossfit you're not coming back from that one
00:59:06then your bare ass touches the seat and you're like ah and just when you think it can't get any
00:59:13worse
00:59:16and all this water splashing up hitting you right in the ass and then the water goes down the drain
00:59:21and it creates that air vortex that goes right between your legs so now you have a tsunami in the
00:59:26back you have a tornado in the front and who's the victim pikachu
00:59:34and he's holding on for dear life you haven't even made magic yet and you've already been violated by plumbing
00:59:44now you do what you need to do
00:59:47you finish now it's time for cleanup time for maintenance
00:59:52so you reach over for the toilet paper and the problem with using the restroom nowadays is that
00:59:58most venues including this one instead of putting a human size toilet paper roll inside of the human
01:00:07size toilet paper roll dispenser they take their ass to costco or sam's club or one of these places
01:00:13where you buy in bulk and they buy that giant gorilla roll of toilet paper
01:00:18and then they come back here and they force it into that little tiny compartment
01:00:22and then they close the door on it so now this giant wheel is locked in place you can't even
01:00:28spin it you're just
01:00:33you can't even find where it starts because they glue it
01:00:39out of desperation you got to pull out your car keys and cut into the side of it
01:00:43like a bag of cocaine on narcos
01:00:47then you get the paper you try to wipe
01:00:56chicago a year from now a year from now i am predicting
01:00:59that they are going to take 100 percent control of the restroom
01:01:05you're going to be sitting there and you're going to think of me because you're going to see it
01:01:10you're going to look over to get the toilet paper and there's going to be a blinking red light on
01:01:14it
01:01:15and you're going to be like oh my god fluffy called it
01:01:19and what are you going to have to do
01:01:23one sheet
01:01:29you're going to get frustrated and just sit on it
01:01:38sorry bro i know that was a lot of
01:01:40cool i throw at you right there
01:01:44she's like it's like magic mike
01:01:49i'm so sorry bro that was a lot
01:01:52damn yeah
01:01:55you guys i understand
01:01:58i understand why they do this to our restrooms why they put sensors in places because they're trying
01:02:04to save energy they're trying to save water i live in california we need water okay we do
01:02:11but some places need sensors some places don't some places are good at teaching us how to conserve
01:02:17energy and conserve water some places are horrible at it like the hotel that we're staying at they have
01:02:22a very basic thing that they do they have a little cardboard sign that hangs on the towel rack
01:02:29in the bathroom all it says is please help save water by reusing your towel and on the back it
01:02:36has
01:02:36a diagram and it shows you the millions of gallons of water that are saved every year when people reuse
01:02:40their towel i reuse them at home i got no problem doing that at the hotel it's my towel some
01:02:46people
01:02:46don't want to reuse their towels they're like that towel's dirty well if that towel's dirty then you suck at
01:02:53showers
01:02:55because theoretically that white towel should be white every single time you use it but no people
01:03:01like to roll it up and then go expert mode with it and now you waste more water trying to
01:03:07get that out
01:03:09like i said some places are good at teaching us how to save energy save water some places are horrible
01:03:14at
01:03:14it i was at a university not so long ago very close to here and this university has a lot
01:03:22of money
01:03:22so much so that they have their own private police department that's on campus it's only for the
01:03:28campus now that's not a big deal there's a lot of colleges that have their own on-campus police
01:03:33the difference is this college somehow or another wound up giving the police department priuses to use
01:03:41for the patrol cars now some of you already know the university now look this is not even a joke
01:03:47my thing is that if you're an officer of the law it's your job to fight crime the first thing
01:03:55that
01:03:55people see when you arrive on a scene is your mode of transportation your vehicle needs to establish
01:04:03dominance of the situation before you set one foot outside in california over 65 percent of california highway
01:04:11patrol officers now drive suvs so when you get stopped over there you feel it you're intimidated by it
01:04:23and people jump out on the freeway don't kill me now imagine getting stopped by
01:04:34don't let me get stopped by a cop in a prius with attitude
01:04:41you know why i stopped you because i let you
01:04:51imagine the first time they did a dui stop the cop probably didn't even get out of the car
01:04:55he just stayed on the radio sir step out of your vehicle right now
01:04:59okay okay okay all right
01:05:05is that a prius i must be drunk sir walk the line okay all right all right officer
01:05:16if i gotta go to jail can you call a real cop car to pick me up
01:05:21stop being a smart ass walk the line okay hey real quick real quick real quick real quick
01:05:26hey hey hey charge my phone
01:05:32that's it you're going to jail
01:05:42i don't know man a lot of time yes sir
01:05:46i love you too bro give me cake sugar-free
01:05:57thank you i gotta be careful i almost slipped right there
01:06:00he's like i'll catch you yeah you'll catch me you'll catch me and you'll catch me and you'll
01:06:03catch me it's like sea world without the water
01:06:08i gotta start being careful you guys because i'm noticing now after six specials that a lot of my
01:06:16material a lot of my stories are starting to come back to haunt me
01:06:21some of them in good ways some of them not so good for example in 1997
01:06:28on tv one time one time i said i love chocolate cake
01:06:35one time 19 years later people are still bringing me chocolate cakes
01:06:43that is crazy i mean think about that 19 years ago and i'm still getting cake i've only said it
01:06:48one
01:06:49time next thing you know i talked about how much you love diet sodas next thing you know people
01:06:54started bringing me diet sodas and the following special aloha fluffy i started talking about how
01:06:58my son's growing a little bit older and the hormones are kicking in and he needed to use deodorant
01:07:03next thing you know his friends started bringing deodorant and people started bringing deodorant to
01:07:07my shows for me to give to my son
01:07:09in that same special aloha fluffy
01:07:13i told a story a story that went viral called the racist gift basket story
01:07:21the story itself is about 15 minutes long okay i'm gonna give you the three minute version of
01:07:29that story so you understand what's going on basically martin and i are doing a show in
01:07:35sacramento california we're driving from la to sacramento we're passing through a small town
01:07:40called fresno as we're passing through fresno we reach out to the local promoter who does the
01:07:45shows there we're good friends with him and he tells us you know because we're trying to have
01:07:49lunch and he goes he's busy but by the way g riley's in town and we're like oh shoot our
01:07:54friend
01:07:54g riley's in town he's at the hotel all right he's at the hotel we knew exactly where he was
01:07:58at
01:07:58so i say martin how about we go and visit g martin goes let's stop by i figured first let's
01:08:04go pick
01:08:04up some soda some drinks so we can surprise him so we get to the market as soon as we
01:08:08walk in the
01:08:08door we see a whole pile of gift baskets martin goes we should get him a gift basket i said
01:08:15martin
01:08:15g riley doesn't like gift baskets okay he doesn't like the fancy wine and the fancy cheese and the
01:08:20sausage he definitely hates crackers
01:08:25you don't even know why that's so funny but anyways i said how about this martin he doesn't
01:08:31know we're coming let's have a little fun with him how about we make him a racist gift basket
01:08:36and martin goes what's that i go you know martino racist gift basket a gift basket designed to have
01:08:42fun with whatever race you're trying to mess with now in g's case he's black it was easy
01:08:48easy now i say easy not to be an ass i say easy because there's so many stereotypes attached to
01:08:54african americans so we have this empty gift basket what do we put in it fried chicken watermelon kool-aid
01:09:01grape soda barbecued potato chips sunflower seeds an ebony magazine a chris rock dvd called bigger and
01:09:08blacker magnum condoms newport cigarettes a rack of ribs the recipe for cornbread we put everything but a
01:09:15white girl with a big ass in the basket we wrapped it up really nice we put a big bow
01:09:23on it and we
01:09:23took it to the hotel we had the girl at the front desk delivered to his room martin and i
01:09:27are waiting
01:09:28in the hallway where he can't see us so she knocks on the door g riley opens the door she
01:09:34gives him the
01:09:34gift basket he says thank you closes the door martin and i run over to the door and we start
01:09:39listening to
01:09:40him opening up the gift basket as he's opening it he's getting excited and he is enjoying every single
01:09:49thing he is pulling out of that basket he is loving this basket until he realizes it's a practical joke
01:09:56and then he freaks out because he read the greeting card the greeting card freaked him out because now he
01:10:03thinks that the kkk sent the gift basket now some of you are like why does he think that because
01:10:09that's
01:10:10what we wrote if you're gonna do a practical joke you go big or you go home is what i'm
01:10:14trying to say
01:10:15so he freaks out and he tries to run out of the hotel room as soon as he gets in
01:10:19the hallway he sees
01:10:21martin and i laughing and he puts two and two together so then he cusses us out he forgives us
01:10:26gives us a hug high five we go back in his room and then i eat his chicken
01:10:33what winds up happening is that story goes crazy on comedy central people are giving him a hard time
01:10:39so they pull it next thing you know i upload it through youtube youtube 10 million views it gets
01:10:44on youtube then they flag it because the word racist is on the title so it gets pulled off so
01:10:49then i re-upload
01:10:50it it gets another 10 million then i had people share it all in all the video's probably gotten about
01:10:56a little over a hundred million views so here's what happened just like the chocolate cakes
01:11:10the diet soda and the deodorant before you know it people started bringing me
01:11:19Mexican racist gift baskets
01:11:27now when it first started happening listen guys i'm not gonna lie it was actually kind of cute
01:11:31because it was only other mexicans bringing me these quote unquote mexican racist gift baskets
01:11:36it started in la after a show this one guy walks up to me with a basket and he's like
01:11:41hey what's up homie
01:11:42got your racist gift basket i said we're the same race yeah whatever all right whatever
01:11:48i take it backstage and all the items in the basket made it to my house that was a mexican
01:11:56blanket with
01:11:56a tiger on it a bunch of bottles of fanta bottles of sangria vicente fernandez cds mexican candy
01:12:02pan dulces sweet bread mazapanes everything made it to my house
01:12:06house now the more east coast we started traveling and the more down south we started performing
01:12:15the more
01:12:20creative the gift baskets started getting fast forward to mobile alabama
01:12:29oh it gets good
01:12:32earlier tonight before we kicked off this special my friend martin was out here making a couple of
01:12:38announcements one of the announcements that he made was if you brought a gift please hold on to it
01:12:44until after the show don't bring it to the stage it could interrupt the flow of the performance the only
01:12:49reason why he makes this announcement every single night is because of one show and mobile so here's
01:12:58what happens i tell the entire racist gift basket story the full 16 minutes right as soon as i finish
01:13:04a guy from the back of the theater rushes the front of the stage now keep in mind this area
01:13:09is full and
01:13:10mobile the aisle was right up the middle so the guy had a clean shot to me he hauled ass
01:13:16like it was the
01:13:16prizes right all the way down
01:13:20much like tonight there was security there that night security sees the guy with the basket but no one
01:13:26thought to stop him all they did was that's pretty oh that's nice that's pretty yeah so the guy makes
01:13:34it all the way to the front he takes the gift basket and he puts it on the stage now
01:13:38he's heckling me
01:13:39from where you're sitting i'm standing here and he's like fluffy what's up dude i got this for you
01:13:47thank you open it i go sir we're kind of in the middle of a show right now i says
01:13:53i appreciate the
01:13:54gift that's very nice of you i says but uh how about this i'll open it after the show oh
01:13:58come
01:13:58on fluffy i want to see your face um sir how about this how about you take the gift basket
01:14:03and you bring
01:14:03it over here to the side of the stage where security's at and i'll have security escort you
01:14:07behind the curtain and then i'll open it up backstage with you in front of me how's that and he's
01:14:11not
01:14:12taking no for an answer now the problem is the crowd just saw me tell the racist gift basket
01:14:18story and all of a sudden there's a guy with a gift basket they have no idea i'm not affiliated
01:14:23with freaking duck dynasty in the front row so now i'm trying to diffuse a situation before it gets
01:14:30crazy but he's not taking no for an answer next thing you know he does something no other audience
01:14:36member has ever done in my 19 plus years as a comedian he takes the whole crowd away from me
01:14:43flips
01:14:44them and then uses them on me in five seconds it was the most amazing horrific thing i have ever
01:14:51witnessed this is all he did come on fluffy we want to see your face we want to see your
01:14:58face we want to
01:14:59see he gets 2 000 people behind him to start chanting we want to see your face we want to
01:15:06see your face it
01:15:08was very evident this was not the first rally he's ever led
01:15:15the crowd is so loud i can no longer hear myself over the monitor so i'm like i lost so
01:15:21i get on my
01:15:21hands and knees i put the microphone down i grab the gift basket and i start tearing it open i
01:15:26reach in
01:15:26forget about pulling out mexican soda mexican candy or a mexican blanket this dude was a pro
01:15:33girl i started pulling out gardening tools
01:15:44i'm pulling out a rake a toy shovel a toy leaf blower dig deeper floppy dig deeper
01:15:50i pull out a soccer ball i go dude it says puerto rico they ran out of mexico
01:15:56i pull out a brick i go what's the brick for the wall
01:16:03i pull out an actual application for u.s citizenship
01:16:10i said there's no way this can get any worse dig deeper i was wrong
01:16:16i pull out an old school box of crayola crayons you know the 64 pack that has a sharpener in
01:16:22the back
01:16:23okay there's a window on the front of the crayon so you can see all of the colors that are
01:16:28in the box
01:16:29all of the crayons in the box are brown except for one white crayon right in the middle and i
01:16:36said
01:16:36what the hell is that supposed to mean and he looks at me and he says welcome to my world
01:16:49the crowd is laughing so hard i know for a fact i don't have a joke that's gonna follow that
01:16:56so i made it seem like that was the end of my performance i picked up the gift basket i
01:17:00said
01:17:00thank you mobile and i gave the guy a dirty look
01:17:04i go behind the curtain martin is waiting behind the curtain and martin's like bro
01:17:15you killed it out there i go martin they weren't laughing at my jokes what were they laughing at
01:17:21and i showed him the application and he's like
01:17:25you're not my friend you're just not my friend so i walk into the dressing room you guys and i'm
01:17:30pissed man i walk in i close the door put the basket down i'm scratching my head i'm trying to
01:17:36think what could i have done to have prevented that from getting to where it went so i'm like okay
01:17:42should
01:17:42i have grabbed the gift basket moved it out of the way should have had security grab the guy should
01:17:45have
01:17:45had security grab the gift basket and the guy every idea that i'm coming up with is ending worse
01:17:51finally i accept it i jump in the shower i get out i get dressed security shows up
01:17:57misery glacius yeah ready yeah yeah give me a second i grab my backpack i put on my backpack
01:18:02i walk over to the door open up the door let's go he sees the gift basket on the chair
01:18:09and he's trying
01:18:10to be nice i'll get that for you sir yeah bring it
01:18:19never know when you might need an application
01:18:24so now he's escorting me out the back door of the theater
01:18:27into an empty parking lot on our way to the tour bus that's at the very end of the parking
01:18:31lot
01:18:31we're walking for a good four minutes all of a sudden i hear this i'm like is he hog calling
01:18:47me
01:18:48i believe so sir it's the guy that gave me the gift basket and now he's standing next to the
01:18:55tour bus so
01:18:56there's no way i'm gonna get past them so i'm like man so we stopped walking security's like
01:19:01would you like me to call for backup no no no you don't need to call for backup he's not
01:19:04gonna hurt
01:19:05me it's just gonna get really weird so i pull out my cell phone and i'm trying to text martin
01:19:10oh my god
01:19:11come on martin get over he's not replying the guy gets tired of waiting next to the bus so now
01:19:16he's
01:19:16walking towards me but he's doing it in a really weird way he's walking towards me like i'm a dangerous
01:19:23animal okay he's doing this fluffy
01:19:30fluffy i'm not gonna do anything and he walks over and he's just ranting all right look here
01:19:36fluffster first and foremost let me just tell you something right now i've been watching your comedy
01:19:40for about seven years now and my favorite joke that you tell is when you give that gift basket to
01:19:45your colored friend g man first time i heard you tell that joke i wanted to laugh really hard but
01:19:50i
01:19:50couldn't write because i was at a bar sitting next to two black people and you can't laugh
01:19:54at a black joke in front of black people because they get all up and he start chanting civil rights
01:19:58and rosa parks and shit like that hey hey i voted for obama but it's too soon to laugh you
01:20:02know what
01:20:02i'm saying anyway i took my happy ass home and i got on the internet and i googled racist gift
01:20:07basket
01:20:07and your joke came up and man i had me a good old laugh and i said you know i
01:20:11love fluffy sense of
01:20:12humor he likes to push the envelope with his friends and he doesn't allow political correctness to interfere
01:20:17with a good friendship at the end of the day you're still friends you still love each other you still
01:20:22respect one another i said hey if the fluffster ever shows his ass here in mobile be first in line
01:20:28to
01:20:28get me one of them tickets and you can't so i tell my friends let's go let's go see the
01:20:33fluffster i said
01:20:34but first i bet you anything he'd appreciate it if somebody were to get him one of them gift baskets
01:20:39like he got g except we got you the ups basket ups basket what can brown do for you so
01:20:49the problem is you didn't laugh you got offended and i didn't want you to get offended fluffster
01:20:55i wanted you to laugh but the problem is is that you know i didn't need you thinking that mobile
01:21:00was
01:21:00a horrible place and we were horrible people we were just trying to have a little fun with you the
01:21:04same way you had fun with your buddy g we work very hard here 40 plus hours a week myself
01:21:08and the
01:21:09amount of money and time that we put into that gift basket is only because we love you hey you
01:21:15have any
01:21:15idea how long i was on the goddamn internet trying to find an application for u.s citizenship
01:21:22in english are you me everything's in espanyol hey i voted for obama i ain't got time for that
01:21:29the bottom line is that i'm sorry for interfering with your performance it'll never happen again
01:21:35i just wanted to say i'm sorry and hopefully you'll allow me to take a picture with you
01:21:40i'm sorry and i was like oh my god i'm a dick
01:21:46i said listen sir you don't have to apologize i should apologize i didn't handle the situation the
01:21:51right way but you got to look at it through my eyes i've never had anyone take an entire crowd
01:21:56away from me that was pretty good huh will you listen yes that was pretty good look i'm very
01:22:03sorry that i got upset first time that happens i won't let that happen again you don't have to
01:22:08apologize i will be more than happy to take a picture with you now see now see that's what i'm
01:22:14saying right there that's what i'm saying right there all my friends are like the hell with that
01:22:19beaner i said nope nope that beaner is good people
01:22:32and then he pulled out his camera right
01:22:38and he tries to hand this disposable fun saver camera to this 19 year old security guard who's
01:22:44never handled that level of technology he puts the gift basket down we hand him the camera he's
01:22:51looking for an app he's looking for a screen meanwhile the guy wants to pose with his arm over
01:22:56my shoulders he's a little shorter than me so i got to do this one right here okay he's got
01:23:00me in
01:23:00this headlock and he just starts talking look here fluffy let me just tell you something right now
01:23:05i really appreciate what you do i'm going to continue to pray for you your family your friends and
01:23:10your success because what you do is a godsend it really is and these times you make people smile
01:23:15you make people laugh we need more of that in our lives look i i'm not trying to blow smoke
01:23:20up your
01:23:20butt but look i don't have children but if i ever had one of my own i'd hope he'd have
01:23:25your spirit god
01:23:26bless you listen thank you thank you very much
01:23:37hey buddy listen if there's anything i can do hey don't don't don't don't do that don't do that
01:23:43don't do that don't say what you don't mean let's just take a picture don't say what you don't mean
01:23:50if you don't mean it if there's anything i can do please let me know hold up the application
01:24:12chicago i love you thank you have a great night thank you so much thank you thank you thank you
01:24:19thank
01:24:29thank you
01:24:38it's time to say
01:25:14mr fabulous
01:25:20oh
01:25:38it's time to let you know
01:25:49Show nuff, yo, who's the baddest?
01:25:51Yo, hit them funny bones with them comedic acrobatics.
01:25:56Feel the force, boy.
01:25:58Quit all that chatter.
01:25:59I just get more fluffy.
01:26:01Hopefully the chocolate cake is fat.
01:26:03Chocolate cake.
01:26:04Fluffy.
01:26:05We're Hawaii to Califresh, yes.
01:26:08You got your Hawaiian shirt dressed.
01:26:10Oh, my God.
01:26:12It's grown so real.
01:26:14Tough like King Kong.
01:26:16Everybody's staying in tough.
01:26:17Buff it up and sing a song.
01:26:20Come on.
01:26:20I'm going to say hello.
01:26:23This is a fucking show.
01:26:25Hey, it's my baby.
01:26:28It's time to let you know.
01:26:31This is a fucking show.
01:26:33Hey, it's my baby.
01:26:37Hey, it's my baby.
01:26:39Hey, it's my baby.
01:26:40Hey, it's my baby.
01:26:41Yeah.
01:26:44Yeah.
01:26:45Yeah.
01:26:52It's time to let you know.
01:26:56How to do the bumpy flow.
01:27:00It's time to say hello.
01:27:03This is a fucking show.
01:27:06Hey, it's my baby.
01:27:09It's time to let you know.
01:27:12This is a fucking show.
01:27:14Hey, it's my baby.
01:27:38Oh, my God.
01:27:43So this is a whole new road, yes.
01:27:46It's my baby.
01:27:51Ah, y'all.
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