Nate Bargatze - The Greatest Average American [21] - video Dailymotion

Fyah TV Comedy

Tennessee-born comedian, actor, and podcast host Nate Bargatze is back with his second hour-long Netflix original comedy special. #comedy #standupcomedy #standup #jokes #funny #natebargateze #natebargatzecomedy #natebargatzestandup

Transcript

00:00:09You

00:00:10Singing in the kitchen

00:00:12Running through the yard

00:00:14Going on vacation

00:00:16On a credit card

00:00:20You did all your riding with the horses

00:00:22Yeah, the play was really good today because I got a rider

00:00:26Okay, all right, Harper, I got to go do a show

00:00:30I love you, I love you

00:00:33And now, please welcome my daddy, Nate Bargette

00:00:38All right, this is it

00:00:59Uh, this is fun, huh?

00:01:02This is, yeah

00:01:03I mean, let me tell you

00:01:052020 has been my favorite year

00:01:09Out of all the years

00:01:10This has been the best one

00:01:12I mean, I don't, you know

00:01:14There's aliens

00:01:15They said there's UFOs

00:01:18And no one cares

00:01:19That's

00:01:22What kind of year could you have that you could sneak in

00:01:25Hey, everybody, I'm the news

00:01:27At the end of the news

00:01:28They go, there's UFOs

00:01:30And you're like, oh, do they have COVID?

00:01:32And you're like, no

00:01:34Like, I don't know

00:01:34They won't get tested

00:01:35But, uh

00:01:38I told, it's funny, I told my wife that

00:01:39I said, they said there's UFOs

00:01:42And she just went about her day

00:01:43I mean, just

00:01:44You might even watch this and be like, oh, I didn't even hear that

00:01:46And that's the point

00:01:47That's how amazing 2020 has been

00:01:52I also feel this is, uh

00:01:53A good year to see where your friends are at

00:01:55You know, like I've got

00:01:56You want to be in the middle, I think

00:01:58And I've got friends

00:01:59I've got friends that

00:02:00They take a shower with their mask on

00:02:02And

00:02:02They sleep with their mask on

00:02:04Because they have a hamster

00:02:05And the hamster probably has it

00:02:06And they're trying

00:02:07They live alone

00:02:08It's just them and the hamster

00:02:10And I also have friends that

00:02:11I don't think have even heard about COVID

00:02:14I

00:02:16It looks like

00:02:16Like someone told them to try to go get it

00:02:18That's how they're living

00:02:22I have a lot of friends too

00:02:23That already

00:02:24They tell me they already had it

00:02:26There's a big

00:02:27They're like, I had it

00:02:27I had a fever

00:02:28Uh

00:02:29February

00:02:30Had a fever for a couple hours

00:02:31So

00:02:32Probably had it

00:02:34I had one friend

00:02:35He told me he had it in 2015

00:02:37He's

00:02:39I mean, convinced

00:02:40He goes, I had it in 2015

00:02:42I was the first

00:02:42And it just didn't catch on

00:02:44Like it has now

00:02:45But

00:02:47I can tell you

00:02:48One thing that's gone

00:02:49Forever

00:02:50Is coughing in public

00:02:52That's

00:02:52That's a

00:02:53That's a wrap

00:02:54I mean

00:02:56You drink water wrong

00:02:57At a restaurant

00:02:58Just go walk in traffic

00:03:00Uh

00:03:03The whole restaurant

00:03:04Just stops

00:03:05Your table

00:03:05Would be like

00:03:06Get out of here

00:03:10And you know

00:03:11That's gonna hurt the most

00:03:12To cough in public

00:03:12My parents

00:03:13That's what I feel

00:03:14Because that's one of

00:03:15Their favorite things to do

00:03:16Is cough in public

00:03:18They love it

00:03:18That's all they do

00:03:19They cough everywhere

00:03:20My dad's choking

00:03:22Constantly

00:03:23Just always

00:03:24If he's not choking

00:03:25That's when we get worried

00:03:26That's how much choking

00:03:27He's doing

00:03:27We go to a restaurant

00:03:28And they're like

00:03:29Is your dad okay

00:03:29I'm like

00:03:30Oh, I didn't even

00:03:30Yeah, that's just what he does

00:03:32You know

00:03:36We've been traveling

00:03:36I've been traveling

00:03:37All over the country

00:03:38During this COVID

00:03:39And uh

00:03:39What I've seen is

00:03:41Look

00:03:41In the middle of the country

00:03:42They're doing good

00:03:42I went to a NASCAR race

00:03:44They all had their mask on

00:03:45They're doing what

00:03:45They're supposed to do

00:03:46A lot of people are doing it

00:03:47We're trying

00:03:47You know

00:03:48A lot of stuff

00:03:48We take our temperature

00:03:49I went to Buffalo Wild Wings

00:03:51They took my temperature

00:03:53You gonna tell me

00:03:54That teenager

00:03:54Doesn't know what he's doing

00:03:55Is that what you're trying to

00:03:58You don't think

00:03:59He's going to doctor school

00:04:00That's how he gets started

00:04:01Is he takes temperatures

00:04:02And he's like

00:04:03Alright, 45 degrees

00:04:04You're good

00:04:05Uh

00:04:06Yeah

00:04:06You're like 60 degrees

00:04:08From a problem

00:04:09So

00:04:09I don't

00:04:10You know

00:04:10And they're not even

00:04:11Worried about it

00:04:12They just don't

00:04:1257 degrees

00:04:13You're like

00:04:14Yeah, I'm dead dude

00:04:15That's not good

00:04:16I asked one guy

00:04:17I was like

00:04:18Does that even work

00:04:18He goes

00:04:18I don't know

00:04:19When it beeps

00:04:19I just tell him to go ahead

00:04:20I

00:04:23I swear one kid said

00:04:24Beep

00:04:25I don't think his beep worked

00:04:26And he goes

00:04:27Beep

00:04:27And I was like

00:04:29What's that

00:04:30And he goes

00:04:31You're fine

00:04:35I've done pretty good

00:04:36During COVID

00:04:37I

00:04:38Because I feel like

00:04:39You could either

00:04:39I lost some weight

00:04:40During COVID

00:04:40You could go two ways

00:04:41If you wanted to gain weight

00:04:43This is your time

00:04:44I mean

00:04:46Everybody's fine with it

00:04:47You can just do it

00:04:48But I've been doing all that

00:04:49Up until COVID

00:04:50I've always lived by that rule

00:04:52So

00:04:53During COVID

00:04:53I was like

00:04:54I need to stop

00:04:54And my neighbor started

00:04:56He got

00:04:56Started working out

00:04:57In his driveway

00:04:59And so he was like

00:05:00Let's work out

00:05:00In my driveway

00:05:01And you know

00:05:02It's hard to make

00:05:02A lot of excuses

00:05:03During COVID

00:05:04You're like

00:05:04I'm just so busy

00:05:05You know

00:05:05I'm just

00:05:07I can't

00:05:08I got a lot of stuff

00:05:08To do today

00:05:09And he's just out there

00:05:10So I started doing it

00:05:12With him

00:05:12And he had a trainer

00:05:13And I

00:05:13I'm not a big fan

00:05:14Of working out

00:05:15Never done it

00:05:16And I told him

00:05:17I was like

00:05:17I just want to do

00:05:17Upper body stuff

00:05:18And they go

00:05:19Alright

00:05:19Well how about

00:05:20We just do legs

00:05:21Every day

00:05:21That's all it is

00:05:22Is legs

00:05:23I think it's a huge

00:05:24Conspiracy

00:05:25With trainers

00:05:26That you never

00:05:27Actually do your

00:05:28Upper body

00:05:29And when you are

00:05:30Doing it

00:05:30I mean I asked him

00:05:31I go

00:05:31Is this upper body

00:05:32He goes yeah

00:05:32I go yeah

00:05:33Because I'm bending

00:05:33Down quite a bit

00:05:38What I eat

00:05:39Is

00:05:39That's the main

00:05:40Problem

00:05:40I eat

00:05:41Like a child

00:05:42I eat

00:05:43I mean it's not good

00:05:44He goes let's go through

00:05:45Like what you had

00:05:46For breakfast

00:05:47Your whole day of eating

00:05:48He goes let's go through

00:05:49Yesterday

00:05:49And in my head

00:05:50I'm like well

00:05:51Yesterday's not a good

00:05:52Day

00:05:52You know

00:05:53Let's pick another day

00:05:57He goes go through

00:05:58Yesterday

00:05:59I go alright

00:05:59I had donuts

00:06:00In the morning

00:06:01And he goes alright

00:06:03Was it like

00:06:04They were just out

00:06:04Or something

00:06:05I go no

00:06:05I drove

00:06:06I drove to it

00:06:09I drove to it

00:06:10And he's like

00:06:10Is it on your way

00:06:11I go no

00:06:11I was late

00:06:12To where I was going

00:06:13Because of it

00:06:16He goes what about

00:06:17Late night snacking

00:06:18And I was like

00:06:19Well I had

00:06:20Sour Patch kids

00:06:21Last night

00:06:22He goes did you

00:06:23Watch a movie

00:06:23I go no

00:06:24Just regular TV

00:06:25And

00:06:26I ate only

00:06:27He's like

00:06:27The little kid bag

00:06:28I go no

00:06:29It was a bag

00:06:30It was a bag

00:06:31Of them

00:06:32If you saw it

00:06:33Without a label

00:06:33And someone said

00:06:34Hand me that bag

00:06:34They wouldn't be

00:06:35Confused on what

00:06:36You were asking

00:06:39I always have

00:06:40Trouble going to sleep

00:06:41And I swear

00:06:43Every doctor

00:06:43It's like

00:06:44I eat Sour Patch Kids

00:06:46And have soda

00:06:46And I'm like

00:06:47What's going on man

00:06:48I can't

00:06:50Dude at night

00:06:50My brain just

00:06:51Doesn't stop

00:06:52And you're like

00:06:53Yeah dude

00:06:53You can't eat

00:06:54Sour Patch Kids

00:06:55In bed

00:06:56Maybe that's a problem

00:06:59We've been traveling

00:07:00Around like crazy

00:07:01Doing all these

00:07:02Drive-in dates

00:07:03They've been super fun

00:07:04I like traveling

00:07:05I love being on the road

00:07:06I love

00:07:06I remember one time

00:07:07I was in Los Angeles

00:07:09And I was going to

00:07:10South by Southwest

00:07:11In Austin, Texas

00:07:12The next day

00:07:13And I had a really early flight

00:07:14So I remember trying to

00:07:16Like the night before

00:07:17I was like

00:07:17Just be normal

00:07:18And you know

00:07:19Have a normal night

00:07:20And ended up hanging out

00:07:21Become a bit of a problem

00:07:24And I wake up the next day

00:07:25And my flight is gone

00:07:26I mean I've missed it

00:07:27And it's not like

00:07:28It's at the gate

00:07:29It is in Austin, Texas

00:07:31They are checking

00:07:32Into their hotel

00:07:34So I go to get my phone

00:07:36To get another flight

00:07:37And I've lost my phone

00:07:38The night before

00:07:38I've lost it

00:07:39So now I don't

00:07:40Have my phone

00:07:41So I have to go buy

00:07:42A ticket over the counter

00:07:44Like it's the 50s

00:07:46And when you walk up

00:07:47To a counter

00:07:48They don't expect you

00:07:49To be buying a ticket

00:07:50Like that

00:07:50I got up there

00:07:52And they were like

00:07:53Alright

00:07:53And I was like

00:07:53I would like one ticket

00:07:54To Austin, Texas

00:07:55Please

00:07:58And they said

00:07:59Alright

00:07:59Go buy it

00:08:00And don't be weird

00:08:01About it

00:08:02I go no

00:08:03I'd like to write

00:08:04A check to you

00:08:05For one ticket

00:08:07To Austin, Texas

00:08:09And they didn't

00:08:10Have a flight

00:08:10So I have to do that

00:08:11At every terminal

00:08:12I just have to keep going

00:08:13One ticket to Austin, Texas

00:08:15Please

00:08:17I finally found

00:08:19A flight

00:08:20But the girl

00:08:21By the counter

00:08:21She's never sold

00:08:22A ticket like that

00:08:22She's like

00:08:23I've worked here

00:08:23For 10 years

00:08:24And no one's

00:08:24Ever done this

00:08:25And she goes

00:08:26I don't know

00:08:26How to do it

00:08:26And she went back

00:08:27And got

00:08:28I mean probably

00:08:28The oldest lady

00:08:29I've ever seen

00:08:31And I think she's there

00:08:33For just this reason

00:08:35And she came out

00:08:36She had like

00:08:36That old credit card machine

00:08:37That you run

00:08:38And she's like

00:08:38I got it

00:08:39I've been

00:08:39This is super fun

00:08:40For me

00:08:42It was weird

00:08:43To not have my phone

00:08:44I mean everybody

00:08:45Has their phone

00:08:45I was going through

00:08:46The airport

00:08:46And you just don't have it

00:08:48And you just stare

00:08:50I mean we were waiting

00:08:51In line

00:08:52And you're just like

00:08:53Looking ahead

00:08:54I mean people are just like

00:08:55Alright dude

00:08:56What is wrong with you

00:08:57I mean just regular people

00:08:58I'm like get

00:08:59Where's your phone

00:09:00I'm like I don't have it

00:09:01I would like to talk to you though

00:09:02If you would talk to me

00:09:03I'd love to chat

00:09:04For a little bit

00:09:06I thought I was going to

00:09:07Breeze through security

00:09:09But I got held up

00:09:10Just because the guy

00:09:10In front of me

00:09:11And he goes through

00:09:12The metal detector

00:09:13And it goes off

00:09:14And so they ask him

00:09:15They're like

00:09:15Do you have anything metal

00:09:16On you

00:09:17And he goes

00:09:18I have keys on me

00:09:20My keys

00:09:21And we thought

00:09:22He was going to sit

00:09:23Like his knee

00:09:23Or hip

00:09:24You know just

00:09:25Old people have metal

00:09:26In them a lot

00:09:26And he goes

00:09:28Keys

00:09:28Do you think that would do it

00:09:30You're like

00:09:30I mean I think that would be

00:09:31The number one answer

00:09:32On Family Feud

00:09:33Of what would set

00:09:33A metal detector off

00:09:35Keys

00:09:37I told him

00:09:37I was like

00:09:38Look let's try it

00:09:38With and without it

00:09:39I'd love to know

00:09:40You know

00:09:41Maybe they've been

00:09:41Lying to us

00:09:42About this key thing

00:09:46I've been doing

00:09:46So I've been doing

00:09:47These drive-in shows

00:09:48These drive-in movie theater shows

00:09:49And my buddy

00:09:50Nick Novicki

00:09:51Has been with me

00:09:51And Nick's a little person

00:09:53Very fun

00:09:53We started a comedy together

00:09:55Nick's very fun

00:09:56To be friends with

00:09:56He

00:09:57Very easy to trick

00:10:00We were once

00:10:01At a coffee shop

00:10:02And a guy was sitting

00:10:03Near us

00:10:04With a big husky dog

00:10:05And Nick just goes

00:10:06Hey you think

00:10:07That's a wolf

00:10:10And I just said

00:10:11Yeah

00:10:11I do think

00:10:12It's a wolf

00:10:14They just

00:10:14They just passed a law

00:10:16That if you can catch a wolf

00:10:17You can have it as a pet

00:10:21And he goes

00:10:22Should I go ask him about it

00:10:23I was like

00:10:23I mean absolutely

00:10:24You know

00:10:24I mean he wants to talk about it

00:10:26That's why he brought

00:10:26That wolf out here

00:10:30And I watched him

00:10:31Walk over to him

00:10:32And just goes

00:10:32Excuse me

00:10:33Is that a wolf

00:10:35And the guy

00:10:35I mean he didn't really

00:10:36Know how to answer

00:10:37He said what

00:10:38I mean you think

00:10:39I brought a wild wolf

00:10:40To this coffee shop

00:10:44And the wolf's

00:10:45Just being cool about it

00:10:46It's not losing

00:10:46It's mine right now

00:10:51When we were driving

00:10:52Doing these driving shows

00:10:53We were all on a bus together

00:10:54I convinced Nick

00:10:56That I didn't know

00:10:57Who Nancy Kerrigan

00:10:58And Tonya Harding were

00:11:00Nick is learning this

00:11:01That I do know

00:11:02Who they are

00:11:02He's learning right now

00:11:03With you

00:11:05I never told him

00:11:06I absolutely know

00:11:08Who they are

00:11:08He brought

00:11:09Nick's

00:11:10All his references

00:11:10Are just 90's

00:11:12Sports references

00:11:12He only can reference

00:11:14The 90's

00:11:15So he brings up

00:11:16Nancy Kerrigan

00:11:17And Tonya Harding

00:11:18And I was like

00:11:18Who's that

00:11:19He's like what

00:11:19You don't know

00:11:20Who they are

00:11:20And I was like

00:11:21I don't think

00:11:22Anybody knows

00:11:22Who they are

00:11:23And he goes

00:11:24Dude this is like

00:11:24A huge story

00:11:25It's like figure skating

00:11:26It's like a mafia hit

00:11:27I was like

00:11:27I've never heard this dude

00:11:28Don't you think

00:11:29I would have heard it

00:11:30I mean

00:11:30I was like

00:11:31No one knows this

00:11:32He's like

00:11:32He's losing his mind

00:11:34I go

00:11:34They should make a

00:11:3530 for 30

00:11:36If it's that good

00:11:36He goes

00:11:36They did

00:11:40Another guy's like

00:11:41They should make a movie

00:11:41About it

00:11:42He goes

00:11:42There's a movie

00:11:43And he's just losing it

00:11:47One of my favorite ones

00:11:49Was

00:11:49This was forever ago

00:11:50We're going to a friend's house

00:11:52And it was a four flight

00:11:54Walk up

00:11:54And so

00:11:55We had to walk

00:11:56Four flights

00:11:57Obviously I walk

00:11:58Faster than Nick

00:11:58And I used to wait for him

00:12:00But we've just been

00:12:01Friends too long

00:12:02I can't

00:12:03We're like an old married couple

00:12:04I'm just gone

00:12:07So I knew where we were going

00:12:08And I knew that he did not

00:12:09So I leave him

00:12:10And I go into my buddy's apartment

00:12:12And I was like

00:12:12Nick doesn't know where you live

00:12:13So that's fun

00:12:15You know

00:12:15Just see

00:12:16See what happens

00:12:18About 30 minutes go by

00:12:20Nick finally comes into the apartment

00:12:22And I asked him

00:12:23I was like

00:12:23Where were you

00:12:23He goes

00:12:24I didn't know where to go

00:12:26And I go

00:12:26I know

00:12:27So like

00:12:28You've been gone for a long time

00:12:29You know

00:12:30Did you go back outside

00:12:30He goes

00:12:31Oh no

00:12:31I've been in someone else's apartment

00:12:32All this time

00:12:35He went into someone

00:12:36He was just trying handles

00:12:39And the door opened

00:12:41He walked in

00:12:42And said

00:12:42I'm with Nate

00:12:43And went and sat on their couch

00:12:44That's how far he made it

00:12:46Think about where your couch is

00:12:47That's how deep he made it

00:12:48Into their place

00:12:51And he's so confident

00:12:52I mean they had to be like

00:12:53I don't know

00:12:54Maybe we know a Nate

00:12:54You know

00:12:58Doing those driving shows

00:13:00Were fun

00:13:00They were

00:13:01You know

00:13:01You're doing

00:13:02You're at a drive-in movie theater

00:13:03What's hard

00:13:04Is when people

00:13:04Want to leave early

00:13:05They don't like your act

00:13:07I mean you just see

00:13:07Headlights hit you in the face

00:13:09And he's just like

00:13:10And this guy backs up

00:13:12And you're like

00:13:12Alright

00:13:12Where goes that guy

00:13:16I did one Zoom show

00:13:18And it was just

00:13:20I mean

00:13:20It's just your face on it

00:13:22And right before we get started

00:13:23I just hear someone say

00:13:24I don't know

00:13:25It's some stupid comedy thing

00:13:26It's just

00:13:29What's that?

00:13:30What'd she say?

00:13:35She's helicopters all day

00:13:37That's an outside show

00:13:40The next special is going to be at LAX

00:13:42It's going to be a good time

00:13:50I can't wait

00:13:50I can't wait to get back to the old days

00:13:52Of just not doing good inside a building

00:13:54That's all you want

00:13:55You know

00:13:57There's

00:13:58One of my

00:13:59One of the last

00:13:59Like kind of bombs I had

00:14:01I was doing

00:14:02So as comedians

00:14:03We do a lot of corporate events

00:14:04And I was doing this corporate event

00:14:05In Tampa, Florida

00:14:06And it was for this guy

00:14:07He ran

00:14:08Tampa's electricity

00:14:09Or something

00:14:10I don't know what anybody does

00:14:10But

00:14:11He invented the electricity

00:14:13In Florida

00:14:13So

00:14:15Yeah

00:14:15He's doing real good

00:14:16And

00:14:18He was a

00:14:19He was a very nice guy

00:14:20He was very generous

00:14:21He was

00:14:22He was all his employees

00:14:23He was raffling off

00:14:24Two cars

00:14:25He gave away a bunch of TVs

00:14:27iPads

00:14:28I mean honestly

00:14:28Probably $100,000 worth of gifts

00:14:30He was giving back to his employees

00:14:32Very nice

00:14:33Well I was one of these gifts

00:14:34That he was giving back

00:14:35So in the middle of giving this stuff away

00:14:37He stops

00:14:38And goes

00:14:38Alright

00:14:38Got a big surprise for you

00:14:40Can't believe we got this guy to come here

00:14:42And he brings me out

00:14:43I mean nobody's heard of me

00:14:45At all

00:14:47I mean they're all looking at it

00:14:48Like I think I could get this guy to come to my house

00:14:50I mean who is

00:14:54I start doing my act

00:14:56I do one hour

00:14:57And just zero laughs

00:14:58I mean nothing

00:14:59And I'm not doing new jokes

00:15:00I'm doing the greatest hits

00:15:04I told the iced coffee with milk story

00:15:05Three times

00:15:07I

00:15:12I kept just doing it

00:15:13I was like

00:15:13Alright I'm going to do it one more time

00:15:14I don't think y'all were listening

00:15:17People were leaving

00:15:19The guy that drove me

00:15:20Asked someone that left

00:15:20And he just goes

00:15:21Hey is the comedy show almost over

00:15:23And the guy goes

00:15:23I don't even know what you're talking about

00:15:26There's a guy giving a speech up there right now

00:15:27So maybe after that

00:15:34So

00:15:34We get done

00:15:36And then the guy comes up

00:15:37I have to talk to him

00:15:38And I was like

00:15:39Look I'm sorry man

00:15:40I used to be able to do comedy

00:15:42And I lost it

00:15:43You know

00:15:44It's over

00:15:45And he was very nice

00:15:46He goes

00:15:46No it's alright

00:15:48Nothing's your fault

00:15:48And I was like

00:15:49Alright I don't know how that's possible

00:15:51And he goes

00:15:52Well when you were up there

00:15:53I remembered that most of my employees

00:15:55Do not speak English

00:15:56And I was like

00:15:58Alright

00:15:58Yeah that'll do it

00:15:59You know

00:16:01Maybe don't hire

00:16:02An English only speaking comedian

00:16:05No heads up

00:16:06At all

00:16:07Not that I could have changed it up

00:16:08But it just would have been nice to know

00:16:10You know

00:16:14I have a

00:16:15So I have a daughter

00:16:16And my daughter's name is Harper

00:16:18So a lot of people ask

00:16:19They're like

00:16:20Oh did you name her after Harper Lee

00:16:21The author of

00:16:22To Kill a Mockingbird

00:16:23And you know

00:16:24I've never thought about an author

00:16:26A day in my life

00:16:26So

00:16:30That never occurred to me

00:16:31I mean

00:16:32My middle name is Lee

00:16:33And it just never crossed my mind

00:16:34I love having a kid

00:16:38We

00:16:38I love

00:16:39When kids cry

00:16:41It's just innocent

00:16:42I love how innocent it is

00:16:43They cry over

00:16:44A tag and a shirt

00:16:45And I mean

00:16:46They're bald

00:16:47Just they don't like

00:16:48It feels weird

00:16:48And then

00:16:49If you walk

00:16:50You're like

00:16:50Is your house on fire

00:16:51Like I've never seen someone

00:16:52Cry this much

00:16:52It's over nothing

00:16:54She's on her iPad a lot

00:16:56You know

00:16:56That's the hard part

00:16:57You've got to get these kids off

00:16:58You don't want technology all the time

00:17:00She just sits there on her iPad

00:17:02She wants to be a YouTuber

00:17:03Which as a comedian

00:17:05Makes me furious

00:17:08She watches all these kid YouTube videos

00:17:10And now she makes her own videos

00:17:11It's just her sitting there going

00:17:12Hey guys

00:17:13What's going on

00:17:14Click the links below

00:17:15Subscribe

00:17:16Leave a comment

00:17:17None of this is anywhere but my phone

00:17:19I got 90 hours of this

00:17:20Not on YouTube

00:17:22Me and her mom are the only subscribers

00:17:27She just watches kids playing with toys

00:17:30Like that's what's crazy

00:17:31It's not like a show

00:17:32I'd be fine if she watched a show

00:17:34She watches just a kid that's like

00:17:35Hey

00:17:36You don't have this toy

00:17:37I do

00:17:37You want to see me open it

00:17:39It's got 5 billion views

00:17:43It looks like we buy her nothing

00:17:44Like we just show her

00:17:46If you want to watch a kid have fun

00:17:47But you're never going to have fun in this house

00:17:52We take her out

00:17:53We go do stuff

00:17:54I would take her to Chuck E. Cheese all the time

00:17:56You can go there

00:17:57They had COVID in 84

00:17:59So there's

00:18:01Well

00:18:01They can't even survive in there

00:18:03That's what

00:18:04I mean Chuck E. Cheese is rough

00:18:06I don't know if you've been there in a while

00:18:08They look like they're trying to go out of business

00:18:10And they can't

00:18:13They filed for bankruptcy

00:18:14And they're still open

00:18:16They called Blockbuster

00:18:17And they're like

00:18:18How do you get out?

00:18:19We want out

00:18:24They're updating nothing

00:18:26That Chuck E. Band

00:18:27Is just robotic

00:18:29I mean the drummer doesn't even turn on

00:18:31It just sits like that the whole time

00:18:35They sell booze to parents now

00:18:37They just give them buckets of Bud Light

00:18:39They're drunk in a booth at 9 a.m.

00:18:43When someone drives those kids home

00:18:44I don't see a bunch of Ubers and Lyfts showing up

00:18:48There was a Chuck E. Cheese

00:18:49That got caught

00:18:51If people didn't eat all their pizza

00:18:52They would just put it back out on the buffet

00:18:54And that would shut down any normal business

00:18:57And with Chuck E. Cheese

00:18:58They have thrived

00:18:59I mean they

00:19:00I didn't even

00:19:01When I read the story

00:19:02I was like

00:19:02I thought that's what they were doing

00:19:03I thought we agreed that that's fine

00:19:04I didn't even know what the article was about

00:19:10Our daughter still sleeps in our bed too

00:19:13And parents don't like that

00:19:14When you say it

00:19:16They're like

00:19:16You gotta keep them outside

00:19:17Don't look at them

00:19:22It's my fault

00:19:22So we had a kid late in life

00:19:24We have one kid

00:19:25And so

00:19:25We're kind of hitting all the sights

00:19:26And I would be

00:19:27When I travel a bunch

00:19:29And I'd get home

00:19:29I'd want us to all sleep in the bed together

00:19:31And I've kind of built up a habit now

00:19:33And it's happening

00:19:34So it's tough though

00:19:35Because kids don't know how to sleep

00:19:37I mean she makes

00:19:38King Bed feel like a twin

00:19:40I mean I'm on the edge

00:19:42When I sleep alone in a hotel

00:19:43I have to sleep with my head on the nightstand

00:19:45It's the only way I know how to go to bed

00:19:48She gets sideways

00:19:50Upside down

00:19:51If you woke up upside down tomorrow

00:19:52You would go to the hospital

00:19:57She's also apparently going through menopause

00:19:59Because she's the hottest human being

00:20:00That's ever lived

00:20:03I'm not freezing at night

00:20:05She just kicks all the covers off

00:20:06And you're like

00:20:06Yeah

00:20:06No you go ahead

00:20:07It's your bed

00:20:08We're lucky to be in it

00:20:12She's gotta get out

00:20:13At some point

00:20:13You know

00:20:14I don't know

00:20:14She'll be 37 years old

00:20:16Hey

00:20:16Can I get in the bed with you guys?

00:20:18Her kids are upstairs

00:20:19To sleep in their bed

00:20:21Her husband left a while ago

00:20:22He ain't gonna put up with that

00:20:27I remember I would fall out of a bunk bed

00:20:29I slept in a bunk bed

00:20:30I was on the top bunk

00:20:31And I would get over a railing

00:20:32And just fall six feet to the ground

00:20:35And just land

00:20:36I mean just

00:20:37You don't catch yourself

00:20:39It's just whatever hits first

00:20:41All your body weight

00:20:42Just lands on your head

00:20:43I got a full blown concussion

00:20:44I'm crying

00:20:45My parents are like

00:20:46Just go back to a deep sleep

00:20:47For seven hours

00:20:51I've had three concussions

00:20:52In my life

00:20:53And none of them

00:20:54Because of sports

00:20:56Just

00:20:56Just living life man

00:20:57You know

00:20:58Stuff happens to your head

00:21:00What are you gonna do?

00:21:02One was in high school

00:21:03I got pushed into a wall

00:21:05Head first

00:21:06And it took them

00:21:07Three class periods

00:21:08To figure out

00:21:09I had a concussion

00:21:10That's how much

00:21:10I was bringing to the table

00:21:11I mean

00:21:14Two teachers

00:21:15Didn't even notice

00:21:16And

00:21:16The third one

00:21:17Was like

00:21:18He wasn't facing forward

00:21:19And that's when I realized

00:21:22He's

00:21:22He's one of the better

00:21:23Facer forwards

00:21:23I've ever had

00:21:24So

00:21:24I knew

00:21:28My

00:21:28My biggest concussion

00:21:30Was

00:21:30When I was 12 years old

00:21:31I fell down a cliff

00:21:32So I grew up

00:21:33In Old Hickory Tennessee

00:21:34And we used to

00:21:35Climb down this cliff

00:21:36In Old Hickory Lake

00:21:37And we'd done it

00:21:38A ton of times

00:21:39And so one day

00:21:40My eyes slip and fall

00:21:41So my friend

00:21:42That I'm with

00:21:42He goes and gets my mom

00:21:43There was a guy

00:21:44Fishing in a boat

00:21:45Down

00:21:46In the lake

00:21:47And so he sees me

00:21:48And he gets me

00:21:48Into the boat

00:21:49And then he takes me

00:21:50Over to some stairs

00:21:51Which he had to be like

00:21:52Why didn't he just

00:21:53Use these stairs

00:21:53I mean they were

00:21:54Right next to that cliff

00:21:55It didn't even make sense

00:21:58There was two guys

00:21:59At the bottom of the steps

00:22:00And they go

00:22:01He goes hey

00:22:01This kid fell

00:22:02Can you carry him up

00:22:03So they carry me up

00:22:04And my mom

00:22:05Now my mom's

00:22:06In an ambulance

00:22:06In her pajamas

00:22:08My dad

00:22:08Who I think

00:22:09Everybody knows now

00:22:09Is a magician

00:22:10And he's doing a show

00:22:12In a full tuxedo

00:22:13So when they get

00:22:14To the hospital

00:22:15The doctor starts

00:22:16Talking to my parents

00:22:16I mean my mom

00:22:17Looks homeless

00:22:18My dad's in a tuxedo

00:22:20It looks

00:22:22It looks like

00:22:23They're divorced

00:22:23And someone's not

00:22:24Paying child support

00:22:28So we have never

00:22:29Known who was

00:22:30In the boat

00:22:31Or the guys

00:22:31That carried me

00:22:31Up those stairs

00:22:32We've never known

00:22:33Who it was

00:22:33And we always

00:22:34Wanted to thank them

00:22:35And those guys

00:22:35Truly saved my life

00:22:36And we could just

00:22:37Never find out

00:22:38Who it was

00:22:38So we've never

00:22:39So I tell you that

00:22:40To tell you

00:22:41Last year

00:22:42My dad

00:22:43Is doing

00:22:44He's doing a show

00:22:45He does these

00:22:45Magic shows

00:22:46In prisons

00:22:47So he's doing

00:22:48A show in a prison

00:22:49And during the show

00:22:50One of the inmates

00:22:51Just stands up

00:22:52And says

00:22:52I know your son

00:22:54Which is probably

00:22:55Not the best place

00:22:55As a father

00:22:56To hear that

00:22:59Just like

00:22:59I know your boy

00:23:00He keeps his mouth shut

00:23:01He's good people

00:23:05So

00:23:07My dad

00:23:07He goes

00:23:08Hey

00:23:08He's like

00:23:08Alright

00:23:09He goes

00:23:09How do you know

00:23:09My son

00:23:10And he was

00:23:10One of the guys

00:23:11That carried me

00:23:12Up those stairs

00:23:12That day

00:23:13I mean

00:23:13I promise

00:23:14We have never

00:23:14I was 12 years old

00:23:15And we've never known

00:23:17Who carried me

00:23:18Up those stairs

00:23:18And it was him

00:23:19And his brother

00:23:20And then his brother

00:23:20Saw me on the tonight show

00:23:22And was like

00:23:23That's that kid

00:23:23That we carried up

00:23:24Those stairs that day

00:23:25So

00:23:25It's pretty crazy

00:23:26And so since then

00:23:28I've been actually

00:23:28Bringing him out to shows

00:23:29And I'm gonna bring him

00:23:30Out tonight

00:23:30And

00:23:31No

00:23:32He's not here

00:23:32He's in prison

00:23:33But

00:23:33Yeah

00:23:35Sorry

00:23:35Yeah

00:23:36Trust me

00:23:37Look he would love to be here

00:23:38Trust me

00:23:39I mean

00:23:40Yeah

00:23:41He'd kill to be here

00:23:41To be honest

00:23:42But

00:23:44There's

00:23:44One day

00:23:45One day I'll get him

00:23:49I did find out

00:23:50Why he was in prison

00:23:51Which was crazy

00:23:52So

00:23:53It was that same day

00:23:54They

00:23:54So they just carried

00:23:55A body

00:23:56Down those stairs

00:23:56And you can imagine

00:23:58The frustration

00:23:58To then be handed

00:23:59Another body

00:24:01And yeah

00:24:02And you're like

00:24:03Dude are you serious

00:24:04Right

00:24:04Like we just did this

00:24:05Man

00:24:05You know

00:24:06Alright

00:24:07That part I made up

00:24:08But

00:24:08The rest

00:24:10The rest of it's true

00:24:13Our daughter

00:24:14Is in third grade

00:24:16And

00:24:17For first grade

00:24:18She started taking the bus

00:24:19And it was the first time

00:24:20She ever took the bus

00:24:21So if you know as a parent

00:24:22You walk them to the bus stop

00:24:23It's very fun

00:24:24And so we got her on the bus

00:24:25She went to school

00:24:26At the end of the school day

00:24:27Someone from the school

00:24:28Called my cell phone

00:24:29They have my wife's cell phone

00:24:31They have my cell phone

00:24:32They called my cell phone

00:24:33And she said

00:24:34Hey do you know what bus number

00:24:35Your daughter's supposed to be on

00:24:37And I said

00:24:37I'm her dad

00:24:40I said

00:24:41Are you crazy

00:24:41Like I was like

00:24:42This is how you thought

00:24:43You would get this information

00:24:44Was to call the dad

00:24:46You saw a mom and dad cell phone

00:24:47And you go

00:24:48I bet the dad knows

00:24:51I was like

00:24:52Do you have parents

00:24:52Have you ever seen a family before

00:24:54You thought

00:24:55Let's call the husband

00:24:56Unless there's two husbands

00:24:58You should never call a husband

00:24:59A day in your life

00:25:02I would rather you ask

00:25:03A lady that doesn't know her

00:25:04I think she could get

00:25:04To the bottom of it

00:25:05Quicker than I can

00:25:10I had to go get her

00:25:11I go alright

00:25:12I'll come get her

00:25:12Tell me the name of this school

00:25:13And I'll come get her

00:25:14Where does she go

00:25:19A lot of kids

00:25:20When you pack lunches now

00:25:21You've got to be careful

00:25:22Because a lot of kids

00:25:22Have peanut allergies now

00:25:24And our daughter

00:25:25Actually has

00:25:26Cashew allergy

00:25:27With tree nuts

00:25:28And so I don't

00:25:29I don't know

00:25:29What tree nuts are

00:25:30But

00:25:31To kill my daughter

00:25:32The doctor just goes

00:25:33Can't have tree nuts

00:25:34And that's it

00:25:35He left

00:25:36And I was like

00:25:36We'd love to know

00:25:37I don't know where nuts came from

00:25:38But

00:25:40Apparently they come

00:25:41From two different places

00:25:42And one of them

00:25:43Is a tree

00:25:45I feel bad

00:25:46I'm here

00:25:47Look

00:25:47I want to defend

00:25:48All these kids

00:25:49With peanut allergies

00:25:50I don't think

00:25:50They get defended

00:25:51They get yelled at

00:25:52By adults

00:25:55We got a lot of adults

00:25:56Addicted to peanuts

00:25:57In this country

00:25:58And they're furious

00:26:00I haven't had peanuts

00:26:02In forever

00:26:02You could take peanuts

00:26:03Out of my life

00:26:03I don't think

00:26:04I would notice

00:26:04And we just have

00:26:06Adults are yelling

00:26:07At these children

00:26:08Like they chose it

00:26:09Like when they were born

00:26:10The doctor goes

00:26:11Hey

00:26:11Do you want to be

00:26:12A nightmare to everybody

00:26:14Every scenario

00:26:15Is life and death

00:26:17You ever been on a plane

00:26:18They just announce it

00:26:19These planes

00:26:20Just serve pretzels

00:26:21And be done with it

00:26:22But they try

00:26:24Every flight

00:26:25And if they can't

00:26:25They just go

00:26:26Alright everybody

00:26:27Can't have peanuts today

00:26:28Because that loser kid

00:26:29Right there

00:26:32And these grown ups

00:26:33Are booing them

00:26:34I mean they're just

00:26:35The only reason I'm on the flight

00:26:36Is for the peanuts

00:26:36I don't even know

00:26:37Where it's going

00:26:41We're doing homework

00:26:42To our daughters

00:26:43And bring it all home

00:26:44Homework's fun

00:26:45First and second grade

00:26:46Was awesome

00:26:47Third grade

00:26:48You're like

00:26:48Okay

00:26:49They throw some stuff in

00:26:50You're like

00:26:50Oh alright

00:26:51Alright

00:26:53It's uh

00:26:53Okay

00:26:54Learning it earlier

00:26:55Than we used to

00:26:56Huh

00:26:56I don't even know

00:26:57That's true

00:26:57But

00:26:59She brought home

00:27:00Common core math

00:27:01That's fun

00:27:02It's a new math

00:27:03They invented

00:27:03No heads up

00:27:04Just give it to parents

00:27:05That never learned it

00:27:08It's just a whole

00:27:09New

00:27:10I mean

00:27:10It's unbelievable

00:27:11Why wouldn't they bring it home

00:27:12You go watch a 40 minute

00:27:13YouTube video

00:27:14On common core math

00:27:16I don't even understand it

00:27:17If you know it

00:27:18If you don't know common core

00:27:19It's just a new math

00:27:20And the goal of common core

00:27:22Is to use one sheet of paper

00:27:23For every problem

00:27:25You

00:27:26You just want to

00:27:27Keep breaking the problem down

00:27:28You put the problem at the top

00:27:29And it just keeps going

00:27:32And then what's even funnier

00:27:33Is you see old math

00:27:34In the middle of it

00:27:35As you break it down

00:27:36Old math gets in there

00:27:37And you're like

00:27:38Oh just do that at the top

00:27:39I don't even know

00:27:39What we're doing

00:27:43And it's not like

00:27:44Old math isn't working

00:27:45I mean old math

00:27:46I don't get incorrect

00:27:47Change everywhere

00:27:47Just going

00:27:48This stupid old math

00:27:52It's a long way

00:27:53To get at the same answer

00:27:55I told my wife

00:27:56I go

00:27:56It feels like

00:27:57If you knocked on my front door

00:27:58And I opened it

00:27:59And you say

00:27:59Can I come in

00:28:00And I was like

00:28:00Do you mind walking in

00:28:01And coming in through the back door

00:28:03And you're like

00:28:03Does the front door not work

00:28:04I'm like no

00:28:05It works

00:28:05I use it

00:28:06A lot of people still use it

00:28:07But the new way

00:28:08Is to go jump the fence

00:28:10And come in the back

00:28:11And meet me at this same spot

00:28:16Even though I make fun of common core

00:28:17I have learned stuff

00:28:19From elementary homework

00:28:20Which is embarrassing

00:28:23I'm 41

00:28:24My daughter's 8

00:28:25Nothing should ever come out of her mouth

00:28:27That I'm like

00:28:27What?

00:28:28What was that?

00:28:31I learned when to use

00:28:32A or N

00:28:33In a sentence

00:28:34I mean I didn't know

00:28:35That there was a rule in place

00:28:36I thought

00:28:37You felt it out

00:28:38You know

00:28:38You just go

00:28:39That feels right

00:28:40And that's what you do

00:28:43I do the same thing

00:28:44With a comma

00:28:45I never know

00:28:46Where a comma's supposed to go

00:28:47If I feel a comma's coming

00:28:49I try to get out

00:28:49Of that sentence so bad

00:28:51I mean I

00:28:54And if I can't

00:28:55I just put a comma

00:28:56And see if someone

00:28:56Says something

00:28:58They're like

00:28:59Is that a comma?

00:29:00I'm like

00:29:00Is it?

00:29:00My comma button

00:29:01Has been sticking on my phone

00:29:07I remember nothing from school

00:29:08People talk about history to me

00:29:10And I'm like

00:29:11I don't know when you guys learned

00:29:12I think we skipped all of this

00:29:15I almost didn't graduate high school

00:29:16I had an F

00:29:17In science

00:29:18I was taking a class

00:29:19Called science

00:29:20My senior year in high school

00:29:24I mean

00:29:24I had an F

00:29:25And my dad

00:29:26Went and talked to the teacher

00:29:27And just said

00:29:28Look just give him a D

00:29:29He's not gonna do science stuff

00:29:30And the teacher

00:29:31Agreed to it

00:29:35She was that confident

00:29:36I wouldn't touch

00:29:36The science world

00:29:40I got a

00:29:41We took ACTs

00:29:43And I got a 17 on it

00:29:45And if you don't know ACTs

00:29:46I mean 18 is

00:29:48They're like

00:29:48That's not good man

00:29:49But you made it

00:29:5017

00:29:51They're like

00:29:51I don't even

00:29:52Are you enrolled in this school?

00:29:54Like

00:29:54What are you doing?

00:29:57The only thing I remember is

00:29:59In 7th grade

00:30:00We had a kid

00:30:01Fist fight our PE teacher

00:30:04That stuck with me

00:30:06I mean

00:30:07He was too old

00:30:08To be in 7th grade

00:30:08He drove to 7th grade

00:30:12If you're a 7th grade teacher

00:30:13And one of the kids drives

00:30:14You just know

00:30:15You gotta fight that kid

00:30:16One day

00:30:17Like I mean

00:30:17There's

00:30:17It's just happening

00:30:19Like you

00:30:21People always talk to me

00:30:22Very easy too

00:30:23Or dumb

00:30:24Like if I talk to a stranger

00:30:25I can always feel it

00:30:26And I think it's my eyes

00:30:28I have big eyes

00:30:29You know

00:30:30And so

00:30:30I just get a lot of like

00:30:31You still with me man?

00:30:33And

00:30:36I'm just sitting there

00:30:37Like yeah

00:30:37I'm listening

00:30:38He goes

00:30:39Alright

00:30:39I felt like you could

00:30:40Have been anywhere

00:30:40You know

00:30:45I got a reversible jacket

00:30:46At home

00:30:46And I have two of them

00:30:47Because I didn't know

00:30:48It was reversible

00:30:51Bought them at the same time

00:30:52Tried them both on

00:30:53Separately

00:30:54Like the black one

00:30:55Thought might as well

00:30:56Get the blue one too

00:30:58Went and laid them up there

00:31:00And I remember they go

00:31:01Are you sure?

00:31:01I go

00:31:01Yeah

00:31:02I think I know

00:31:02What I'm doing here

00:31:03Right?

00:31:08The dumbest I've ever

00:31:09Been talked to

00:31:10There's

00:31:11I like to golf

00:31:12And so

00:31:12A guy was telling me

00:31:13There's a real golf course

00:31:15In North Carolina

00:31:16Where they have

00:31:17Llamas or the caddies

00:31:18So

00:31:19If you don't know

00:31:19Anything about golf

00:31:20I mean

00:31:20A caddy

00:31:21Usually carries your background

00:31:22Tells you how far

00:31:23You are from the hole

00:31:24And helps you out

00:31:24So this course

00:31:26They have llamas

00:31:26So you put your golf bag

00:31:28On a llama

00:31:28And it carries your bag

00:31:30So he told me that

00:31:31And then he looks

00:31:32Into my big dumb eyes

00:31:34And he goes

00:31:35Just so you know

00:31:35Llamas can't talk though

00:31:41I mean that's the question

00:31:42He was trying to get ahead of

00:31:44As he looked into my stupid eyes

00:31:47Like he just feels like

00:31:48I'm gonna say it

00:31:48So that guy doesn't have to say it

00:31:52Like I'm just at the zoo

00:31:53Talking to the giraffes

00:31:55Just hey

00:31:55Where are you guys from

00:31:56You know

00:31:57I know where you're from

00:31:58But where are you from

00:31:59From

00:31:59You know what I mean

00:32:03I'm gonna let this one go by

00:32:05I mean like

00:32:05You know the hard part is

00:32:06I see them coming

00:32:07Before y'all

00:32:07And I mean

00:32:08I just see

00:32:09A blinking light

00:32:10Like five miles away

00:32:11Going

00:32:12That one looks like

00:32:13It's coming

00:32:13In my head

00:32:14In my head

00:32:15I'm just like

00:32:15I think it's

00:32:16You know

00:32:17A couple times I've looked

00:32:18And it was just stars

00:32:22I honestly

00:32:22I like look up

00:32:23And I'll be like

00:32:24That one's not moving that quick

00:32:25I feel like

00:32:28One's just sitting on top of it

00:32:30You're like

00:32:30That's the moon

00:32:31Is it?

00:32:35So I'm 41 years old

00:32:36And when I turned 40

00:32:3840 was the first age

00:32:39I did not want to turn

00:32:40I remember my parents

00:32:42Turning 40

00:32:42It just feels old

00:32:44And it's also the age

00:32:45That you do realize

00:32:46Everybody you're talking to

00:32:47You are older than

00:32:49Before you're 40

00:32:50I think everybody

00:32:51You talk to is your age

00:32:52And for some reason

00:32:53When you turn 40

00:32:54You're just older

00:32:55Than that person

00:32:56I'll just be talking to them

00:32:57Like remember that

00:32:58It's like 97, 98

00:32:59They go

00:32:59I wasn't born yet

00:33:00You're like

00:33:00Golly

00:33:01Are you serious dude?

00:33:02In my eyes

00:33:03We look the same

00:33:06Where's your dad at?

00:33:07Let me talk to him

00:33:08Because I swear

00:33:09I thought you were my age

00:33:13One thing I got

00:33:14When I hit my 40s

00:33:15Was claustrophobia

00:33:16Never had it

00:33:17I actually got it here

00:33:19On the Simpsons ride

00:33:20Which is what's crazy

00:33:22I mean we're 100 yards away

00:33:24From where my life fell apart

00:33:28I rode that ride

00:33:30With my daughter

00:33:30And we're sitting on it

00:33:31And we're sitting on it

00:33:32And I had another buddy

00:33:33And he has his two girls on

00:33:35And so we sit there

00:33:36And they pull the bar down

00:33:37And the bar

00:33:38My leg gets stuck in the middle

00:33:40And it just opened a door

00:33:42That I never knew was there

00:33:43I mean it's just

00:33:45And it's like a problem

00:33:46I had to stop the ride

00:33:47It's super embarrassing

00:33:48To stop a child's ride

00:33:50And just be like

00:33:51I'm just waving

00:33:52I'm like I can't do it

00:33:53And then they open the bar

00:33:54And they go

00:33:55Alright you can do it again

00:33:56I was like I'm out

00:33:56And I just

00:33:57No one got to ride it

00:33:58Because I couldn't ride it

00:33:59We all had to leave

00:34:01Yeah

00:34:01Ruined it for everybody

00:34:04And that's claustrophobia

00:34:05It just kind of ruins

00:34:06Everybody's time

00:34:08It's funny

00:34:09The panic of claustrophobia

00:34:11Is pretty funny though

00:34:12I mean it's not funny

00:34:13When it's happening to you

00:34:14But how quick you go

00:34:15From normal

00:34:16To just an insane person

00:34:18It's just

00:34:19It's all at the same time

00:34:21So it's all kind of new to me

00:34:22So I forget I have it

00:34:24And I'll put myself

00:34:25In a situation

00:34:26And I go

00:34:26There it is

00:34:27I

00:34:28We've gotten

00:34:29I got in an Uber once

00:34:30With like seven people

00:34:31And so we get in

00:34:32I go

00:34:32I'll get in the third row

00:34:33Trying to be a good guy

00:34:34And I climb in the back

00:34:36They put all the seats up

00:34:37And it just starts hitting me

00:34:38And I mean I'm back there

00:34:39You're like

00:34:40Just trying to be normal

00:34:41You know

00:34:42You're not talking

00:34:43And then you just go

00:34:45Hey you think you could

00:34:45Roll the window down

00:34:46You know what

00:34:47Can everybody just get out

00:34:47The van real fast

00:34:52I mean we're just driving

00:34:54Down the interstate

00:34:54Hey could y'all crack the window

00:34:56Do you mind if I drive the Uber

00:34:57Do you think I could drive it

00:35:03So I was born in 1979

00:35:06And the reason I say that

00:35:08Because if you are my age

00:35:10Or just right around my age

00:35:11Very like maybe 78 to 80

00:35:14You might realize

00:35:15Or maybe you don't know

00:35:17I've never been called a millennial

00:35:19Or a generation X

00:35:20I've never even really heard

00:35:21Any of those terms growing up

00:35:22And so now you hear them all the time

00:35:25So I looked it up to try to say

00:35:26I was like what am I

00:35:27And I'm technically nothing

00:35:29I'm on a cusp

00:35:31I'm a generation gap

00:35:32And what we are called

00:35:35Xennials

00:35:35Or we're called

00:35:36The Oregon Trail generation

00:35:38Or we're called

00:35:39My favorite name is

00:35:39The Lucky Ones

00:35:41And it's true

00:35:42We're very lucky

00:35:43We actually grew up

00:35:44In two different worlds

00:35:45When I was a kid

00:35:46I grew up like it was the 50s

00:35:48Like you would go outside

00:35:49And your parents

00:35:50Just didn't know where you were

00:35:51We went to school

00:35:52And played Oregon Trail

00:35:54On a computer at school

00:35:55No one had a computer at home

00:35:57It's like what are you

00:35:57A zillionaire

00:35:58Like I mean you could

00:36:01But then in high school

00:36:02I had AOL

00:36:03You know we had a computer at home

00:36:05Then I got a beeper

00:36:06And then I got a cell phone

00:36:07I didn't have social media

00:36:08Until I was 26

00:36:09With MySpace

00:36:10You know

00:36:11I mean social media

00:36:12Like whatever I did in high school

00:36:14Is a rumor

00:36:14It can't ruin my life

00:36:19So if you're around my age

00:36:21You might realize

00:36:21Like you just end up

00:36:22Always kind of being in the middle

00:36:23Like I understand

00:36:24When a Gen Xer says something

00:36:25You're like I get it

00:36:26And a millennial says something

00:36:27You're like no I get it

00:36:28You always just feel in the middle

00:36:30And these groups all hate each other

00:36:31And the most I've ever felt

00:36:33Where I was in the middle

00:36:34Was just this one hotel

00:36:35That I stayed at

00:36:36So a lot of hotels now

00:36:38They have Chromecast

00:36:39And you can watch like Netflix

00:36:40In your hotel room

00:36:41So I'm watching

00:36:42I get in my room

00:36:43And I turn it on

00:36:44And my Chromecast is not working

00:36:46So I call down to the front desk

00:36:47And the oldest voice I ever heard

00:36:49Answered the phone

00:36:50This guy was a Silver War survivor

00:36:52I mean he

00:36:54He was the age

00:36:55Where you just go

00:36:55Thank you for your service

00:36:56And it's like

00:36:58Was in the army

00:36:58You're like probably man

00:36:59I mean there's an age

00:37:00Where like they all had to go

00:37:01At that age

00:37:02So just saying

00:37:05So I tell him

00:37:06I go hey my Chromecast

00:37:07Is not working

00:37:08And I could have just

00:37:08Made up a word

00:37:09I mean he's never heard of that

00:37:11I could have said

00:37:11My beat bop broke

00:37:12I mean

00:37:16He asked if I was staying

00:37:17At that hotel

00:37:18That's how

00:37:18He goes are you staying here

00:37:20I was like do you think

00:37:20I've called a front desk

00:37:22From a different hotel room

00:37:28So he goes look

00:37:29I don't know what this is

00:37:30But there's a younger guy here

00:37:31I'm going to send him up

00:37:32He'll be able to help you

00:37:33And I was like great

00:37:34So that guy comes up

00:37:35And he knocks on my door

00:37:36I open it

00:37:37He's my dad's age

00:37:38And I mean right when I see him

00:37:40You're like alright dude

00:37:41We don't have to do this

00:37:41You know

00:37:42I mean

00:37:43I know you've heard of it

00:37:45But you're not

00:37:45If I can't fix it

00:37:46You're not going to be able to fix it

00:37:47But he's the generation

00:37:49That still wants to give it a try

00:37:50So

00:37:53I've got to let him in

00:37:53So he comes in

00:37:54Comes to my room

00:37:55Sits on my bed

00:37:56A little too far back

00:37:57I thought

00:38:00I just remember

00:38:01Like the back of his calves

00:38:02For touching the bed

00:38:03And I was like

00:38:04Are your feet dangling

00:38:05How far back are you going to go

00:38:09Are you cold

00:38:10Do you want some covers man

00:38:14He gets the remote

00:38:15And just starts pressing

00:38:16All the buttons

00:38:16And I said

00:38:17I don't know if that's going to do it

00:38:18And he goes

00:38:19Let's just keep trying it though

00:38:20I go alright

00:38:22I'm going to turn the shower on

00:38:24Open a window

00:38:24Let's try everything

00:38:25You know

00:38:25Let's just see

00:38:26Maybe it turns on

00:38:27Who knows

00:38:27Maybe it's all connected

00:38:31So we can't get it

00:38:32And he goes alright

00:38:33He goes

00:38:33There's a younger guy

00:38:34He's about to come to work

00:38:35And at this point

00:38:36I'm like

00:38:36I'm the younger guy man

00:38:37I was like

00:38:38Don't

00:38:38It's alright dude

00:38:38I don't need it

00:38:39And he goes

00:38:40No no no

00:38:40It's a millennial

00:38:41And I was like

00:38:42Alright

00:38:42Now we're getting somewhere

00:38:43You know

00:38:44This is what the millennial does

00:38:46He was born with technology

00:38:47He's going to know how to fix this

00:38:49I was excited

00:38:49I was like

00:38:50Great

00:38:50He goes

00:38:51He comes to work in an hour

00:38:52I go

00:38:52Wonderful

00:38:52And let me tell you

00:38:53You know how quick that millennial fixed it

00:38:55Well

00:38:56I'll never know

00:38:57Because he just didn't come to work that night

00:38:58So

00:39:04Didn't call in

00:39:04Nothing

00:39:05And I found out

00:39:06Because the old guy called me

00:39:07Because he was supposed to fill in for him

00:39:08He was furious dude

00:39:10He hates that millennial

00:39:11He goes

00:39:12He never comes to work

00:39:13He doesn't take it serious

00:39:13He's got a peanut allergy

00:39:15And I was like

00:39:16Alright

00:39:16Well

00:39:20I ended up fixing it myself

00:39:21Because it was just unplugged

00:39:23So

00:39:23That's

00:39:24Yeah

00:39:25That's my fault

00:39:29The next morning

00:39:31I dealt with

00:39:31My daughter's generation

00:39:33Which is a generation

00:39:34That I feel like

00:39:35Just thinks about themselves

00:39:36You know

00:39:37And so

00:39:38I go down to breakfast

00:39:39They have the breakfast buffet

00:39:40So we're all going through it

00:39:41This little girl's in front of me

00:39:42And she has waffles

00:39:44So she gets a waffle

00:39:45And there's a coffee pot worth of syrup

00:39:47Sitting on a plate

00:39:48So it's like you pour it

00:39:50And then you leave it back on the plate

00:39:51And then you go

00:39:52And eat your breakfast

00:39:53So

00:39:53She gets the syrup

00:39:55And she just takes it to her table

00:39:58So now the syrup's gone

00:40:00And I see this happen

00:40:01But no one else does

00:40:02So I'm hearing other people go through

00:40:03And they're asking where the syrup's at

00:40:05And it's starting to become a problem

00:40:07I mean people are like

00:40:08Where's the syrup?

00:40:09And the hotel's like

00:40:10I don't know

00:40:10That's all the syrup we have

00:40:11Was out there

00:40:14And I know where it's at

00:40:15But I'm not trying to

00:40:16I'm not trying to get involved

00:40:17You know

00:40:17I didn't wake up and just think

00:40:18I hope I get to talk to everybody

00:40:20This morning

00:40:20I mean when you roll out of bed

00:40:24You're not like

00:40:24I hope I'm about to get in the thick of it

00:40:26Down there

00:40:29So I'm just trying to say stuff

00:40:30As I walk by people

00:40:31I'm like

00:40:32Maybe someone took it to the table

00:40:33Look around maybe

00:40:34And I just like

00:40:35Keep going

00:40:36Do you see that little girl's table over there?

00:40:38Maybe they have it

00:40:41And no one's picking up on this

00:40:42So I just have to go get it

00:40:43And this girl's sitting

00:40:44With a bunch of her friends

00:40:45So I go over to them

00:40:47And I was like

00:40:48Hey

00:40:48Can we get that syrup back?

00:40:50That's kind of

00:40:50For the entire hotel

00:40:52And

00:40:53She goes

00:40:54They go

00:40:54Whatever

00:40:54All of them

00:40:55Just blew me off

00:40:57And then the father in me kicks in

00:40:58And I go

00:40:59Alright

00:40:59Well just a heads up

00:41:00Just so you guys know

00:41:01I did nothing wrong

00:41:02And you guys have ruined breakfast

00:41:03For everybody

00:41:06I don't know

00:41:06If you've ever eaten out

00:41:07In public before

00:41:08But do you see me over here

00:41:10With a tub of eggs?

00:41:11Do I have all the eggs?

00:41:13You did everything else

00:41:14And for some reason

00:41:15You thought

00:41:15I bet this is all my syrup

00:41:16And where are your parents at?

00:41:18You know

00:41:18A couple of them started crying

00:41:19Felt good

00:41:20To be honest

00:41:23I was away for a little bit

00:41:25I like to practice

00:41:25On other children

00:41:26You know

00:41:26My discipline

00:41:31And to

00:41:32Make fun of my generation

00:41:34Just so it doesn't seem like

00:41:35I'm trying to skip over

00:41:37I

00:41:37Another hotel I was at

00:41:38Another syrup incident

00:41:39Actually

00:41:40I mean

00:41:41I'm a big fan of waffles

00:41:42So syrup

00:41:42I'm around syrup

00:41:43Quite a bit

00:41:44And

00:41:46We're at a Holiday Inn Express

00:41:47So the breakfast buffet there

00:41:49Is where they have the cereal

00:41:50Where you turn the knob

00:41:50And like four pieces fall out

00:41:52It's like how you feed a cat

00:41:54For a long weekend

00:41:55You know

00:41:55That's enough

00:41:58They had batter and syrup

00:42:00And so you pour

00:42:01They had the waffle iron

00:42:02Where you make it yourself

00:42:02So you pour the batter

00:42:03On the waffle iron

00:42:04You shut it

00:42:05You turn it over

00:42:05It locks

00:42:06It cooks for two minutes

00:42:07You turn it over

00:42:08You open it

00:42:08Half the waffle comes off

00:42:10Half stays forever

00:42:13I'll tell you

00:42:13You eat a waffle

00:42:16So

00:42:16I'm with my buddy of mine

00:42:18That's my age

00:42:18So we go through

00:42:19He's in front of me

00:42:20Not really talking or anything

00:42:21Just going through

00:42:22He gets to it

00:42:23It's batter and syrup

00:42:24They're in clear containers

00:42:25They're not labeled

00:42:26But they're in clear containers

00:42:28He gets the syrup

00:42:29And starts pouring it

00:42:30On the waffle iron

00:42:32And I'm not even stopping him

00:42:33Because he's not doing it

00:42:34Where he's going

00:42:34I don't

00:42:35I've never done that

00:42:36He's doing it where

00:42:37We're probably going to

00:42:38Try it after

00:42:39I mean

00:42:40He's just like

00:42:41Dude I can't wait

00:42:42To see what this guy's making

00:42:43Like

00:42:44He might know something

00:42:45That I don't know

00:42:47He shuts it

00:42:48Turns it over

00:42:49It cooks

00:42:49He's like looking at us

00:42:50We're like

00:42:50I mean the whole line's like

00:42:52What is that going to be

00:42:57And it makes

00:42:58Black smoke

00:42:59Is what it makes

00:42:59Just

00:43:00I mean

00:43:01Dark black smoke

00:43:03Just starts filling the lobby

00:43:05The manager comes over

00:43:06He's like

00:43:06What are you doing

00:43:06He's like

00:43:07I guess I poured the wrong one

00:43:08These are not labeled

00:43:09And the guy's like

00:43:10They're in clear containers

00:43:13Do you not know the difference

00:43:14Of batter and syrup

00:43:16And he's like

00:43:16I bet it happens all the time

00:43:17Because I've worked here my whole life

00:43:18And I've never seen this

00:43:22So they threw the waffle iron

00:43:24They just throw it away

00:43:25That's what they have to do

00:43:26Just throw it away

00:43:27It's over

00:43:28And now there's no waffle

00:43:29I mean we went from

00:43:30All about to get a waffle

00:43:31To it's upside down

00:43:32In a trash can

00:43:36And then he just turns

00:43:37And looks

00:43:38And it's just a line of people

00:43:39With that little foam plate

00:43:43And just everybody's sad

00:43:45I just hear someone in the back

00:43:47Go like

00:43:47I sent my alarm for this

00:43:52I mean two guys

00:43:53Didn't have shoes on

00:43:54They go

00:43:54I ran down with no shoes

00:43:55In that elevator

00:43:56I thought I was going to miss it

00:44:01My parents

00:44:02So my parents are in their 60s

00:44:04And when your parents

00:44:06Hit their 60s

00:44:07Just so you know

00:44:08You kind of realize that

00:44:09You go

00:44:09Alright I'm in charge

00:44:11Of this family now

00:44:12You know

00:44:14They don't give it up

00:44:15They don't offer it away

00:44:16They just start doing stuff

00:44:17That you're like

00:44:18I don't

00:44:18You know

00:44:21We went to the store

00:44:22The other day

00:44:22And we walked back

00:44:24To the car

00:44:24We were in the store

00:44:25For an hour

00:44:25We walked back

00:44:26My dad's

00:44:27The driver's side door

00:44:28Is wide open

00:44:31He drove

00:44:33Got

00:44:33Opened the door

00:44:34To go inside

00:44:34And just

00:44:35Kept walking

00:44:39He's been driving

00:44:39For 50 years

00:44:41And I know cars

00:44:42Are getting crazy

00:44:43But one thing

00:44:44That stayed the same

00:44:45In all these 50 years

00:44:46Is you got to open

00:44:46And shut that front door

00:44:51My dad wore my mom's

00:44:52Pants to a funeral

00:44:56That was the day

00:44:57That I was like

00:44:58Look we can't listen

00:44:58To this guy no more

00:44:59You know

00:45:01We got to go get him

00:45:02He doesn't know

00:45:03What's happening

00:45:06It usually starts happening

00:45:07When your parents

00:45:08When you start doing

00:45:09The holidays at your house

00:45:10Instead of your parents house

00:45:11That's when it starts happening

00:45:13And so my parents

00:45:14Once we did that

00:45:14They downsized

00:45:15Into a two bedroom townhome

00:45:17So they still wanted

00:45:19To do Thanksgiving

00:45:19At their house

00:45:20But they don't have

00:45:20The room for us

00:45:21There's like 20

00:45:22There's 20 of us

00:45:23It's like a college kid

00:45:24Being like

00:45:24Do you want to do Christmas

00:45:25In my dorm room

00:45:28There's a table for four

00:45:29And then they have to put

00:45:30A train of TV trays

00:45:31And nightstands

00:45:32That just weaves

00:45:33Down this hallway

00:45:35I mean you're sitting

00:45:35On stairs

00:45:36We made the kids

00:45:37Go eat in the car

00:45:37They just go

00:45:38Go back in the car

00:45:39You can't even eat inside

00:45:41My mom didn't have ketchup

00:45:42I was like

00:45:43Everybody just has ketchup

00:45:44It just comes in houses

00:45:46If I went to some

00:45:48Alcoholics house

00:45:48He would have ketchup

00:45:49His whole family

00:45:50Would be gone

00:45:50But I would say

00:45:51Do you have ketchup

00:45:51He'd be like

00:45:52I'm not that gone man

00:45:57So I was

00:45:58So I grew up

00:45:59In the 80s and 90s

00:46:00I was a kid

00:46:00In the 80s and 90s

00:46:01And during the 80s and 90s

00:46:03Kids were getting kidnapped

00:46:04Pretty rapidly

00:46:07And look

00:46:08I'm not trying to say

00:46:09We were more desirable

00:46:10Or something

00:46:11I

00:46:11I think we were outside more

00:46:15A lot more opportunity

00:46:16You know

00:46:17Also a lot easier

00:46:18To get us into vans

00:46:20Didn't take much

00:46:21And

00:46:22So parents back then

00:46:25They would watch TV

00:46:26And I think it would scare

00:46:27The parents

00:46:28You know

00:46:28So you realize

00:46:28Like now

00:46:29Now

00:46:29Everything's a crime show

00:46:30Everything that you watch

00:46:31Is crime

00:46:32Podcaster crime

00:46:33Movies are crime

00:46:33You almost like

00:46:34See it so much

00:46:35But back then

00:46:36You only had so many channels

00:46:37And then when they would

00:46:38Watch these shows

00:46:38They were very powerful shows

00:46:40My parents used to watch

00:46:41A show called

00:46:42Rescue 911

00:46:43And it would just show

00:46:44Reenactments of crimes

00:46:45And it was powerful

00:46:46I've seen three seconds

00:46:48Of Rescue 911

00:46:49I remember walking

00:46:50Through the living room

00:46:50My parents were watching it

00:46:52I look at the TV

00:46:52A guy has a ski mask on

00:46:54And a woman is asleep

00:46:55With her feet out

00:46:56From under the covers

00:46:57And he started rubbing her foot

00:46:59That's all I saw

00:47:00I kept walking

00:47:02I don't know what happened

00:47:03Before or after

00:47:04But I know

00:47:04I've never been able

00:47:05To sleep with my feet

00:47:06Out from under the covers

00:47:08Because I accidentally

00:47:09Saw that 30 years ago

00:47:12And my feet get so hot

00:47:13And I want to put them out

00:47:14So bad

00:47:17I mean

00:47:17I try it

00:47:18Every night

00:47:19For 30 years

00:47:21And then that image

00:47:22Pops in my head

00:47:23And I yank them

00:47:24Right back on you

00:47:27I'll be in a hotel room

00:47:28And I'm like

00:47:28Look you can't get in here dude

00:47:30You've locked everything

00:47:31And I'm like

00:47:31That's exactly what

00:47:32He's been waiting for

00:47:33He's probably already in here

00:47:39So

00:47:39My parents I think

00:47:40Watched A Rescue 911

00:47:41Where a kid went missing

00:47:43So

00:47:43It got them scared

00:47:44They were like

00:47:45And I think they took it

00:47:46As like

00:47:46Look you guys are getting kidnapped

00:47:48There's nothing we can do

00:47:48It's happening

00:47:50So they wanted us

00:47:51To be prepared for it

00:47:52So instead of like

00:47:53I don't know

00:47:54Self defense

00:47:55Give us a gun

00:47:56I don't know

00:47:57Something

00:47:57What they did was like

00:47:59You know how you always

00:48:00Hand out flyers

00:48:00If a kid goes missing

00:48:01They were like

00:48:02Let's just get that flyer ready

00:48:05We'll just do that

00:48:06You know

00:48:08So

00:48:09If a kid goes missing

00:48:10They always have a flyer

00:48:10They put a picture of the kid

00:48:11And all the information

00:48:12Below the flyer

00:48:13So the height

00:48:14Weight

00:48:14Eye color

00:48:14All that stuff

00:48:15So instead of making a flyer

00:48:17What they made us do

00:48:18Was we wrote on a piece of paper

00:48:19Our name

00:48:20Height

00:48:21Weight

00:48:21Eye color

00:48:22And then we just held it up

00:48:23Against a wall

00:48:25And they just took a picture of us

00:48:28So the picture is

00:48:29Us holding our own information

00:48:34And they said

00:48:35Well when the cops are like

00:48:36Hey let's get a flyer ready

00:48:37We'll be like

00:48:38Well

00:48:39We've been rooting for this to happen

00:48:42We already have one made

00:48:43And they're like

00:48:44We'll give that to the police

00:48:45Which if my

00:48:46If we would have been kidnapped

00:48:47My parents would be in prison right now

00:48:50No one's gonna believe

00:48:51You pre-took pictures

00:48:53I mean

00:48:53They're gonna just look at this

00:48:54And be like

00:48:54Alright just tell us

00:48:55Where the kids are at

00:48:56That would be the easiest thing to do

00:48:57I've never seen this ever

00:49:01They had to go get that printed

00:49:02At Walmart too

00:49:03You couldn't do that

00:49:04At home

00:49:05You had to go show people

00:49:06That you're crazy

00:49:08We walked in Walmart

00:49:09And the guy was probably like

00:49:10Hey do you think

00:49:10I could talk to your kids

00:49:11By themselves for a little bit

00:49:12I'd love to just chat with them

00:49:15So I am

00:49:17I'm married as well

00:49:19And we just

00:49:20Me and my wife just celebrated

00:49:21Our 14th wedding anniversary

00:49:23And

00:49:24Thank you

00:49:28We've been together for 20 years

00:49:30And I met her

00:49:31Before I ever started comedy

00:49:33We both worked at Applebee's together

00:49:34Is where we met

00:49:36We're big fans

00:49:36We're big Applebee's fans

00:49:38Still to this day

00:49:39Hold on

00:49:40Let me just

00:49:41It feels like

00:49:42Yeah

00:49:43That's a good one

00:49:46How many

00:49:47Are they not all doing

00:49:48The same job

00:49:49You know

00:49:49Like

00:49:51Wouldn't they just be like

00:49:52Well I'm already over here

00:49:53So you don't gotta come over

00:49:54You know

00:49:56That's what it seems like

00:49:57They should do

00:49:57They should talk more

00:49:58Go I'm over here

00:49:59And he goes

00:49:59Oh I was

00:50:00Okay I didn't realize

00:50:01You were over

00:50:02He's like yeah

00:50:03So don't go

00:50:04I'll stay over here

00:50:04And you stay over there

00:50:05That's like our main thing

00:50:06Is that we can stay right here

00:50:07You know

00:50:11Alright

00:50:12So my wife and I

00:50:13We met at Applebee's

00:50:15And

00:50:15Before I ever started comedy

00:50:17I was a host

00:50:18And she was a server

00:50:19And someone asked her recently

00:50:21They said

00:50:21Hey do you think

00:50:23Like did you ever imagine

00:50:24When you started dating

00:50:25That your lives

00:50:25Would become all that it's become

00:50:27And she said

00:50:28Well when I met him

00:50:29He was a host

00:50:29And I didn't think

00:50:30He was smart enough

00:50:31To be a server

00:50:32So yeah

00:50:34We've got a little bit farther

00:50:35Than I expected

00:50:36You know

00:50:38I told her

00:50:38I want to be a server one day

00:50:39And she's like

00:50:40You keep dreaming that dream

00:50:41Alright

00:50:42I think you can try hard

00:50:43You can get that menu memorized

00:50:48I

00:50:48Me and my wife

00:50:49So I'm the

00:50:50I'm the dreamer

00:50:51Of our group

00:50:52You know

00:50:52I feel like in a marriage

00:50:54You have

00:50:54One of you is a dreamer

00:50:55You know

00:50:56Money's not real

00:50:57Let's have fun

00:50:57Let's go do fun stuff

00:50:58As much as we can

00:50:59And the other person

00:51:00Hates fun

00:51:03And that's how

00:51:04You make a marriage

00:51:05You can't have two dreamers

00:51:06You're going to be

00:51:06Homeless in an hour

00:51:09You need someone

00:51:09That just walks around

00:51:10Is fun happening

00:51:11I'd like to put a stop to that

00:51:13Are y'all having fun

00:51:14Stop it

00:51:15Is the air conditioner on

00:51:15Turn it off

00:51:18I married my dad

00:51:19Is who I married

00:51:21My dad

00:51:21Who I thought

00:51:22Air conditioning

00:51:22Cost $100,000 a day

00:51:24To run it

00:51:27When we would be

00:51:28On car rides

00:51:28I thought if you

00:51:29Turn it on

00:51:29Your car explodes

00:51:30Like just gas

00:51:31You were out

00:51:32We're out immediately

00:51:33Did someone turn

00:51:33The air conditioner on

00:51:35My wife's always around too

00:51:37I feel

00:51:38Just always like

00:51:38You know

00:51:39Especially if I'm at home

00:51:40It's like I married a cat

00:51:41That I'm like

00:51:42You're just always on me

00:51:45If I do any

00:51:46If I go to the bathroom

00:51:47She's like

00:51:47I'm going to paint the bathroom door

00:51:48While you're in there

00:51:51I'm like

00:51:51You couldn't do it later

00:51:53I had all the time to do it

00:51:54I thought I'd wait

00:51:54Until you went in

00:51:55And that's when

00:51:56I was going to start

00:51:59If I eat something

00:52:00She doesn't approve of

00:52:01She just pops up

00:52:02Man

00:52:03I mean

00:52:04I'll try to sneak it

00:52:05I could eat an Oreo cookie

00:52:06In the attic

00:52:07At 3 a.m.

00:52:08And I would bet my life

00:52:10A light would cut on

00:52:11And she'd be like

00:52:12What are you doing up here

00:52:16And if I questioned it

00:52:17It was like

00:52:17What are you doing up here

00:52:18She's like

00:52:19I'm always up here

00:52:19This is when I do

00:52:20My attic stuff

00:52:25She put Life 360 on my phone

00:52:27That's so they can track you

00:52:29Even when they're not near you

00:52:30You might not even know

00:52:31You have it on your phone

00:52:32They just

00:52:33It's worse than

00:52:34What the government's doing

00:52:35I would rather

00:52:35The government track me

00:52:37Than her

00:52:38She just calls me

00:52:40Why do you have

00:52:40Krispy Kreme donuts

00:52:41I'm like

00:52:41Look I'm not going to

00:52:42Live like this

00:52:42Alright

00:52:45If I want donuts

00:52:46I'm not going to

00:52:46Lock my phone

00:52:47In a gym locker

00:52:48And go pay cash

00:52:49For donuts

00:52:54I've done it

00:52:55But I'm not going to

00:52:56Do it every time

00:53:00God forbid

00:53:01I go to a store

00:53:02She has a coupon for

00:53:03I'm now walking

00:53:04Into the parking lot

00:53:05Just to get a call

00:53:06Don't buy anything

00:53:07I have a coupon

00:53:08I'm like

00:53:08Do you think

00:53:08I'm going to

00:53:09Come home

00:53:09And get that coupon

00:53:10Is that what

00:53:10You think

00:53:10Is about to happen

00:53:12I'm going to

00:53:12Try to pay more

00:53:13Now that you called

00:53:15I don't even know

00:53:16If Target allows that

00:53:17But I'm going to

00:53:17Try to negotiate up

00:53:18On this toothpaste

00:53:21You better hope

00:53:22They don't ask me

00:53:22To round up

00:53:23I'm rounding up

00:53:25I hate coupons

00:53:26So much

00:53:27And she's addicted

00:53:28To them

00:53:29She makes

00:53:29Well not let me

00:53:30Like I got a coupon

00:53:31I'm like

00:53:31I just feel so stupid

00:53:34I'm buying deodorant

00:53:35And I'm like

00:53:35I don't have all the money

00:53:37But I'm almost there

00:53:38But I do have this coupon

00:53:40One day

00:53:41I hope to be able

00:53:41To pay full price

00:53:43We are saving up

00:53:44As much as we can

00:53:48One of the best fights

00:53:49We got in

00:53:49It was not

00:53:50I mean the fight

00:53:51Wasn't good

00:53:51Just ridiculous

00:53:52Fight

00:53:54Was over the same

00:53:55One fell swoop

00:53:57Just over that same

00:53:59My wife and I

00:54:00Hold on

00:54:01Let me

00:54:02I've got a

00:54:03This is the last one

00:54:03I just hear one

00:54:04In the background

00:54:06Because you hear it

00:54:06From a far distance

00:54:08And then it's like

00:54:09He's going that way

00:54:10Does it sound like

00:54:11He's going the other way

00:54:11Right

00:54:12Alright

00:54:12Y'all are like

00:54:13We don't even hear it

00:54:14And I'm just up here

00:54:15I mean

00:54:16It just haunts me

00:54:17For the rest of my life

00:54:19Every show

00:54:20We're back and doing theaters

00:54:21And I'm like

00:54:21Is that a helicopter

00:54:22Do you guys hear a helicopter

00:54:23Inside the building

00:54:25I'm like yeah

00:54:25Do you hear it

00:54:26Does everybody hear it

00:54:26Everybody get down

00:54:27Everybody quiet down

00:54:28Is that a helicopter

00:54:29All right

00:54:35So we got in the fight

00:54:36Over the phrase

00:54:37One fell swoop

00:54:38Just over the same

00:54:40And if you're

00:54:40Look if you're a newlywed

00:54:42You're like

00:54:42Well that doesn't make sense

00:54:43You're right

00:54:43It doesn't

00:54:44This is a double digit

00:54:45Married fight

00:54:46This is when you've

00:54:47Already done all

00:54:48The dish fighting

00:54:49Or the putting your

00:54:50Clothes away fighting

00:54:51This is when they're

00:54:51Trying to mentally

00:54:52Break you

00:54:54They got you

00:54:55Almost how they want you

00:54:56And this is the one

00:54:57That sends it over the edge

00:55:00So my wife

00:55:01She wanted to go

00:55:02Visit her parents

00:55:02One weekend

00:55:03And her parents

00:55:04Are divorced

00:55:04And which

00:55:05Has been hardest on me

00:55:07To be honest

00:55:07That's something

00:55:08People don't talk about

00:55:09You know

00:55:10When you marry

00:55:10Into divorce

00:55:11I mean they divorce

00:55:12Because of her

00:55:12Not me

00:55:13So why do I have to go

00:55:14To 50 different houses

00:55:21So

00:55:23She wanted to go

00:55:23Visit her parents

00:55:24And she said

00:55:25I want to do it

00:55:25In one fell swoop

00:55:26Now I've never heard

00:55:27My wife say the phrase

00:55:28One fell swoop

00:55:29We've been together

00:55:2920 years

00:55:30She's never said it

00:55:31And it felt like

00:55:32Someone that day

00:55:33Told her

00:55:33Hey

00:55:33You should start

00:55:35Using one fell swoop

00:55:36More

00:55:37And she goes

00:55:37I'm about to call

00:55:38My husband

00:55:38And it goes

00:55:39Perfect

00:55:39Use it 40 to 50 times

00:55:41On him

00:55:42So she calls me

00:55:43And she goes

00:55:44I want to go

00:55:44Visit my parents

00:55:45And I want to do it

00:55:45In one fell swoop

00:55:46And I go

00:55:46Alright let's do it

00:55:47In one fell swoop

00:55:47She goes

00:55:48I want to do it

00:55:48In one fell swoop

00:55:49I go

00:55:49Let's do it

00:55:50In one fell swoop

00:55:50You know

00:55:51Let's swoop it up

00:55:52I'm down

00:55:53And she kept saying it

00:55:54One fell swoop

00:55:55I mean over and over again

00:55:56And then when she went

00:55:57To describe this

00:55:58One fell swoop trip

00:56:00She goes

00:56:01We'll go to my mom's

00:56:02Come home

00:56:03Then go to my dad's

00:56:04And so

00:56:06I just like waited

00:56:07And she didn't say anything

00:56:08And I just go

00:56:09That's not what

00:56:10One fell swoop means

00:56:13And instead of possibly

00:56:14Just being wrong

00:56:15She goes

00:56:16I know what

00:56:17One fell swoop means

00:56:17I go

00:56:18Yeah

00:56:18It doesn't sound like

00:56:19You do

00:56:19Alright

00:56:21And we have the same

00:56:22Last name

00:56:22I can't have you out there

00:56:23In a one fell swoop

00:56:24Conversation

00:56:26What do you think

00:56:27Two birds

00:56:27One stone mean

00:56:28Let's just go

00:56:29Through them all

00:56:29I don't know

00:56:29If you know

00:56:30Any of these

00:56:34She hangs up on me

00:56:36So I get home

00:56:37And you know

00:56:37When you walk home

00:56:38And you've been

00:56:39In a fight

00:56:39And you're like

00:56:40Alright

00:56:40How long is this fight

00:56:41Is it happening still

00:56:43Is it over

00:56:43I don't know

00:56:44I gotta fill it out

00:56:45You know

00:56:45She never uses words

00:56:47Like sorry

00:56:48I'd love to hear that

00:56:50That's a word

00:56:51She definitely

00:56:51Doesn't know

00:56:52What it means

00:56:53And I say it

00:56:53All the time

00:56:54I walk around

00:56:54The house

00:56:55With just a sack

00:56:55Of sorries

00:56:56Just handing them out

00:56:57All day

00:56:58I try to give her

00:56:59Something

00:56:59Would you like

00:57:00To carry something

00:57:00She's like

00:57:01I don't have pockets

00:57:01So I'm good

00:57:05We didn't talk

00:57:06That whole night

00:57:06I mean we're just

00:57:07Sitting there

00:57:07Our daughters

00:57:08We're watching TV

00:57:09Eating

00:57:10And I'm like

00:57:11Hey you know

00:57:11Your mom's crazy

00:57:12Right

00:57:13And she's like

00:57:14Did you do your homework

00:57:14Or you don't want

00:57:15To be dumb

00:57:15Like your dad

00:57:16And then your daughter

00:57:17Is just like

00:57:18Are you all

00:57:19Lunatics

00:57:23So I'm laying on the couch

00:57:24And my wife just came over

00:57:25And she kisses me goodnight

00:57:27And then she went to bed

00:57:28And that was it

00:57:29You know

00:57:30That was like

00:57:30I felt like it was her sorry

00:57:31I guess

00:57:32But she didn't say it

00:57:33And so I was like

00:57:34Laid there

00:57:34And I'm just thinking about it

00:57:35And you think about it a lot

00:57:36Because you're like

00:57:37Alright

00:57:37Because you learn

00:57:37The longer you get married

00:57:38Sometimes it's like

00:57:39Just let stuff go

00:57:40You know

00:57:40Who cares

00:57:41And the next morning

00:57:42I get up

00:57:42And I kind of still

00:57:43Wanted to talk about it

00:57:44Because we didn't talk

00:57:45All night

00:57:45You know

00:57:46So I went into her

00:57:47I was like

00:57:47Look

00:57:48I gotta tell you

00:57:49I mean

00:57:50It's just not what it means

00:57:51You know

00:57:53And that

00:57:54That got it going real good

00:57:57But I felt so good

00:57:58About this argument

00:57:59You know

00:57:59I thought about it all night

00:58:01I was like

00:58:01You got this one in the bag man

00:58:02You should bring it back up

00:58:04I'm not trying to date her anymore

00:58:05I'd like to win a fight

00:58:06We're gonna die together

00:58:09I almost woke her up in her sleep

00:58:11That's how much I was so excited

00:58:13I almost just started shaking her

00:58:14Going

00:58:14It's not what it means

00:58:17Our marriage almost ended

00:58:19In one fell swoop

00:58:20So

00:58:21Alright

00:58:21Thank you guys so much

00:58:22For coming out today

00:58:23Truly appreciate it

00:58:45You don't know who Tonya Harding is?

00:58:48I don't know who Tonya Harding is?

00:58:55I can't believe you don't know this

00:58:58I'm the biggest sports fan of your life

00:59:00If I don't know it

00:59:01I guarantee you no one else

00:59:02Watching this does it

00:59:02You ask him

00:59:03Tonya Harding

00:59:04Nancy Kerrigan

00:59:05You're gonna have 80% of America

00:59:07Is gonna

00:59:0880%

00:59:09You don't have 80% of his bus that knows it

00:59:12One finished first

00:59:13One finished second

00:59:14I mean

00:59:15Come on

00:59:17I mean come on

00:59:18I convinced Nick

00:59:19That I didn't know who Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding were

00:59:23Nick is learning this

00:59:25That I do know who they are

00:59:26He's learning right now with you

00:59:29I never told him

00:59:30I absolutely know who they are

00:59:34You're literally saying that it's like

00:59:36This is the first time he's hearing it

00:59:37And I'm like

00:59:38It is the first time

00:59:39And I keep going like hitting my head

00:59:41I mean come on

00:59:43Come on

00:59:51I mean come on

Nate Bargatze - The Greatest Average American [21]

Category

Transcript

Comments

Recommended