Dave Chappelle gives his usual skewed insight into the topics of race, technology, OJ Simpson, and more in a stand up special filmed in Hollywood.
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00:00:07This is Dave.
00:00:09He tells dirty jokes for a living.
00:00:12That stare is where most of his hard work happens.
00:00:15It signifies a profound train of thought.
00:00:19The alchemist's fire that transforms fear and tragedy
00:00:23into levity and livelihood.
00:00:26Dave calls that look the trance.
00:00:35Dave calls that look the trance.
00:01:05Dave calls that look the trance.
00:01:30Dave calls that look the trance.
00:01:32Dave calls that look the trance.
00:01:35Dave calls that look the trance.
00:01:41Dave calls that look the trance.
00:01:46Dave calls that look the trance.
00:01:48Dave calls that look the trance.
00:01:50Dave calls that look the trance.
00:01:51Dave calls that look the trance.
00:01:53Dave calls that look the trance.
00:01:59was it? Thank you guys. Have a seat, feel comfortable, relax. I want to thank everyone
00:02:13in LA for a wonderful week. It's been great here. You know what? It's been 10 years since
00:02:22the last time I played in Los Angeles, if you can imagine. I know. I know, I've been gone
00:02:28for a very long time. And unbeknownst to you, it was a difficult 10 years. I'm not going
00:02:35to take you through all the agony I've been through, but it was tough. Some of it you might
00:02:39have seen. I don't know if you ever saw on TMZ the big headline, Dave Chappelle drunk on stage
00:02:46in Detroit. Well, if you saw it, I wasn't drunk. I had to smoke some reefer with some rappers.
00:02:56Yeah. I don't know if you know anything about hanging out with rappers, but their weed is
00:03:00very strong. Stronger than what I was accustomed to. The article goes on to say I was booed off
00:03:07stage, which is also incorrect. I was booed. I did not leave. It was a long bomb. It was
00:03:21a fucking nightmare. Two puffs of weed. That's all it was. Two puffs? I never had that happen
00:03:27when I take two puffs of weed. I looked at the guy next to me. I was like, I'm going
00:03:29to bomb,
00:03:30nigga. I can feel it. And that guy called my name, Dave Chappelle. Niggas was like,
00:03:43you know, normally when you do a comedy show, you guys don't know what it looks like up here,
00:03:46but niggas be just looking up at you like. That's how the show started. Didn't take long
00:03:55for their faces to switch up like, what the fuck? And started looking amongst themselves.
00:03:59So I knew I wasn't doing good. I don't remember what I was saying.
00:04:03It just took one person to break the ice. It was a black lady with a Ford Motor shirt
00:04:07on. She stood up suddenly. Fuck you, Dave Chappelle. I said, excuse me?
00:04:14She said, I worked all week for this shit and this show sucks. And in a weird act of racial
00:04:20harmony, a conservative white guy stood up and backed her up. Yeah!
00:04:26The whole crowd banded together and started chanting, we want our money back.
00:04:31We want our money back. I said, oh shit. I snapped out of it.
00:04:35Good people of Detroit, hear me. Hear me now.
00:04:43You will never get your fucking money back. Fuck that.
00:04:52I said, I'm like Evel Knievel. I get paid for the attempt.
00:04:57I didn't promise this shit would be good. Boo, they said, fuck you.
00:05:03This went on for a long time. And then after the show, I felt so bad.
00:05:06I took half of the money from the show, thousands of dollars.
00:05:09I said, I'm going to give this to charity. You know what I did?
00:05:11I bought $25,000 worth of bubble gum and drove around Detroit and handed it out to the homeless so
00:05:18they could chew it and still be hungry.
00:05:25I was very mad at Detroit that night. Because not only did I bomb, I had to go back to
00:05:32the very same room the next night and do it all over again.
00:05:36Fucking nightmare. That would be like if you were having sex with a woman and for some reason, this would
00:05:41never happen, but for some reason, she had a mouse trap in her pussy.
00:05:47You get caught in a trap. And then you got to fuck her again tomorrow night. I'd still do it,
00:05:54but I'd be careful the next time.
00:05:56The old mouse trap in the pussy trick, eh? Fooled me once.
00:06:07Yeah. Yeah, it was a tough time. And I wanted to give up sometimes. I almost did give up, but
00:06:13then right before I gave up, I decided not to.
00:06:16But I made the call. I made the call. They answered the phone. Hello? Dancing with the stars. I said,
00:06:22not yet. Not yet.
00:06:27Yeah. Yeah. Oh, if you see me on that shit, it's over. Trust me. My spirit is broken. If you
00:06:35see me waiting for them judges...
00:06:42Getting critiqued on my cha-cha, fuck that. I haven't been working in L.A., but I come out here
00:06:52and hang out and shit.
00:06:54I was out here a few weeks ago. I almost got arrested. I'm not bullshitting. This happens to a lot
00:07:00of black people.
00:07:01What happened was, I was coming out of one of those nightclubs in Hollywood, and my friend saw me. I
00:07:08guess I was wobbling or something.
00:07:09So he just rolled up. It was a good friend of mine. He was like, hey, Dave, give me the
00:07:13keys. And I was like, all right, nigga, just take the keys.
00:07:16And I got in the passenger side of my car, and he drove it. And it was fine. Just talking,
00:07:20chopping it up. And then on the tin, the blue and whites hit us.
00:07:24And I should tell you, the friend that was driving me was black, which really doesn't have anything to do
00:07:30with the story, other than to let you know there was fear in the car.
00:07:38Not in my field. I'm black. But I'm also Dave Chappelle. So I figured, you know, shit will probably be
00:07:48fine.
00:07:54Traffic stops started off on the right foot. Cops came up to the driver's side. Hi, how you guys doing?
00:07:59And he recognized me immediately. Oh, Dave Chappelle. And I looked at my friend like, we getting out of this
00:08:03shit.
00:08:09And then he says, you know, you guys were swerving in the lane. Do you mind just stepping out the
00:08:13car for a second?
00:08:14Still, no cause for alarm. I looked in the rearview mirror. The body language of the arrest looked good.
00:08:21He was talking.
00:08:25So then I started fucking on the radio. You know traffic stops going good if you listen to the radio
00:08:29when someone else is outside of the car.
00:08:32But then when I looked back in the rearview mirror, something had gone horribly wrong.
00:08:35That motherfucker's back there like...
00:08:40And the next thing I knew, they were stuffing him in the back of the car.
00:08:43And I thought, you know, when anybody would think of a situation like that.
00:08:47Oh my God. What?
00:08:49It's gonna happen to me.
00:08:57And the police walked up to the window.
00:09:00Uh, Mr. Chappelle, we had to arrest your friend. He refused to take our breathalyzer test.
00:09:04I said, that motherfucker.
00:09:08Not complying. That's odd.
00:09:11So, officer, what's gonna happen to me?
00:09:13Well, you're fine. We're just gonna have to ask you to step out of the car so we can impound
00:09:16the vehicle.
00:09:17And we'll arrange for you to have a ride home.
00:09:18And I said, oh, well, nah. I would rather you just give me the keys.
00:09:24They said, well, Mr. Chappelle, your friend already told us. He's your designated driver. We can't let you drive in
00:09:29this condition.
00:09:30I was like, no, nigga, I'm good. I'm good.
00:09:34And then suddenly, suddenly the shit turned into Vegas.
00:09:39He was like, I'll let you blow for it.
00:09:43I said, excuse me?
00:09:46He said, if you blow in my breathalyzer.
00:09:48I said, oh, nigga, I thought you was trying to get your dick sucked.
00:09:59If you blow in my breathalyzer and pass, I'll give you the keys to the car.
00:10:05I said, eh.
00:10:07Set him up, nigga. Let's play.
00:10:12And I blew in that thing.
00:10:15And it made a noise.
00:10:16I said, uh-oh.
00:10:18And he looked at it and he said, oh, well, Mr. Chappelle, I guess you're free to go.
00:10:25I said, I am.
00:10:29I didn't know that thing didn't pick up weed.
00:10:31I drove home on the 10, 30 miles an hour.
00:10:36Yeah, it all worked out.
00:10:40It all worked out.
00:10:42I'm one of the lucky ones.
00:10:44It doesn't work out that well for everybody.
00:10:46I saw that videotape of that lady that got beat up in L.A. in the traffic.
00:10:50You see that shit on rush hour traffic?
00:10:51They beat a black woman's ass.
00:10:53This woman didn't even do anything wrong.
00:10:55It was fucked up.
00:10:56It was so fucked up, it didn't even go to court.
00:10:57The city of L.A. just gave that woman $1.5 million for her pain and suffering.
00:11:04That is not bad.
00:11:06Considering that's the same amount of money that Marcos Maidana made to fight Floyd Mayweather the second time.
00:11:13And this woman obviously hasn't trained a day in her life.
00:11:18You can see it on the tape.
00:11:19She didn't come to fight.
00:11:20Her guards were low.
00:11:21She was taking a lot of shots.
00:11:34Everybody's mad at police now.
00:11:36I watched that.
00:11:36You see that shit on Netflix?
00:11:37The Making a Murderer?
00:11:41The Stephen Avery story?
00:11:43Yeah, well if you haven't seen it, check it out.
00:11:45Stephen Avery is in more trouble than any white person in the history of the United States has ever been
00:11:52in.
00:11:54In a justice system designed for him to thrive, he's failed miserably twice.
00:12:03I can't even wrap my mind around it.
00:12:06If Making a Murderer was about a black dude, that shit would be called Duh.
00:12:13Of course everything can go wrong.
00:12:16Seems like he did it all right.
00:12:17Yeah, the motherfucker even had $200,000 for his legal defense.
00:12:22That shit gets you off in Wisconsin.
00:12:25That's like OJ money.
00:12:28All he needed to get off that he didn't have was a single black juror.
00:12:35That's all it would have took.
00:12:37Cause only a black dude in the United States can look at 11 other dudes and be like,
00:12:42I think the police did this shit.
00:12:49He's fucked up in the game.
00:12:53That's how OJ got off.
00:12:55I've been watching that new OJ show.
00:12:57I can't get enough of that shit.
00:13:01Doesn't it bring back good memories?
00:13:06I forgot how, like, just how polarizing that OJ case was.
00:13:12And you know, I've met OJ Simpson on four different occasions in my life.
00:13:16And before the end of the show, I will tell you about each of those occasions.
00:13:24The first time I met OJ Simpson, I was in Santa Monica.
00:13:28You were in Santa Monica?
00:13:29Yeah.
00:13:30I can't believe a black dude was like, Santa Monica.
00:13:34He was the last niggas I expected to say that.
00:13:38I see your shoes.
00:13:39You got some Vans on, nigga.
00:13:40What you got on?
00:13:44Santa Monica!
00:13:49Me?
00:13:53At the time, I was 18.
00:13:55I had done a show.
00:13:56And then a guy from the club came up and was like,
00:13:58Hey, OJ Simpson's here.
00:13:59And he said he wants to meet you.
00:14:00I said, what?
00:14:01Fuck yeah.
00:14:02I ran down the steps.
00:14:05And OJ was down there.
00:14:06He was like, hey, yo, man.
00:14:06How are you?
00:14:07It's very good to meet you.
00:14:09And you're doing really good work.
00:14:10And I hope good things happen for you in your life.
00:14:12I was like, man, thanks, Mr. Juice.
00:14:18Standing beside him.
00:14:20Well, I don't know the nice way to say this.
00:14:23His soon to be slain wife.
00:14:28Ladies and gentlemen, man the fuck up,
00:14:29or you're not going to make it through the end of this show.
00:14:32Just man the fuck up.
00:14:34She's dead.
00:14:35You already know.
00:14:36We know what happened.
00:14:37We don't know who did it.
00:14:39But we know what happened.
00:14:47I should tell you that woman was very nice to me.
00:14:50She actually embraced me.
00:14:52She said, I think you're adorable.
00:14:53And she hugged me.
00:14:54She goes, good luck to you.
00:14:56And she held me for a long time.
00:14:58And I whispered in her ear, bitch, are you trying to get us both killed?
00:15:07I'm just kidding.
00:15:07I didn't say that.
00:15:08But that was the first time in a nutshell.
00:15:18It's good to see so many, uh, so many different people here from so many different, uh, ethnicities.
00:15:27Very diverse crowd.
00:15:30Looks like you thought Bernie Sanders was going to come out of this motherfucker, but...
00:15:33Surprise.
00:15:35It's me.
00:15:39Yeah.
00:15:42Yeah.
00:15:43No, you know, I'm happy really to see black people come.
00:15:46You know, a lot of black people don't fuck with me like they used to.
00:15:49But there's a lot of reasons.
00:15:50There's a few reasons you don't see black people at my shows.
00:15:52One is because, obviously, black people have slower internet connections.
00:15:58Um...
00:16:00I mean, that would be my guess.
00:16:02I'm just, I don't know what...
00:16:07Actually, my own actions drew a wedge between me and the community I hold so dear.
00:16:13A couple of weeks ago, I was supposed to be in Flint, Michigan for a, um, for a charity benefit
00:16:19that was supposed to raise awareness for the appalling condition of the water in Flint.
00:16:24I don't know if you know this, but the water in Flint is fucking poisonous.
00:16:27It's actually making people sick.
00:16:29I mean, Hollywood people like sell, well, at least they have water.
00:16:32But, this water...
00:16:38This water's fucked up.
00:16:40So, a lot of black celebrities flew into Flint,
00:16:43and they did a, a, a tremendous charity benefit, uh,
00:16:46and I was, uh, on the schedule to appear.
00:16:51Uh...
00:16:55So, the reason a lot of people haven't heard about this benefit,
00:16:59it was the same day as the Oscars.
00:17:02Right, I know.
00:17:03So, I was on my way to the airport to go to Flint,
00:17:06and then Chris Rock calls me and is like,
00:17:08hey, Dave, I got a ticket for you for the Oscars.
00:17:10Can you make it?
00:17:11And I was like, sure, nigga, I'm on my way to the airport right now.
00:17:19Oh, come on, man, what am I gonna do about that water?
00:17:21What am I, a fucking superhero?
00:17:22I need to have fun.
00:17:23I need to live, too.
00:17:26I didn't fuck that water up.
00:17:30Stevie Wonder was there.
00:17:32They didn't need me.
00:17:35I'm sorry, everybody.
00:17:36I've never been to the Oscars.
00:17:37You've seen the movies I make.
00:17:48I was excited as fuck.
00:17:50I knew I was gonna get in some trouble,
00:17:51because when I was walking in the red carpet,
00:17:52the black press came after me.
00:17:55Excuse me, brother.
00:17:56When you hear somebody call you brother too much,
00:17:58something terrible's about to happen.
00:17:59Excuse me, brother, brother.
00:18:01And then I looked back,
00:18:02and the motherfucker had a tuxedo with a Kente Claude tie.
00:18:04I said, uh-oh.
00:18:07He said, I just wanna ask you a couple questions.
00:18:09I said, what publication are you with?
00:18:11He said, me, I'm with the Daily Bongo.
00:18:13I said, Daily Bongo?
00:18:14What the fuck?
00:18:15Who the fuck reads this?
00:18:20He said, listen, brother,
00:18:22I just wanna ask you a quick question.
00:18:23Um, you understand that this year,
00:18:25this is a boycott for the Oscars,
00:18:27so I'm just wondering what made you,
00:18:29of all people,
00:18:30cross the motherfucking picket line
00:18:32and be here tonight.
00:18:33I said, boycott?
00:18:36Nigga, I haven't been working in ten years.
00:18:40You mean boycott?
00:18:41I've been on strike,
00:18:42y'all niggas didn't stop working.
00:18:45I had to watch fucking Kim Peele
00:18:47do my show every night.
00:18:59fucking Daily Bongo is what I said.
00:19:02I went to Ozzy and had a wonderful time.
00:19:05I went in that fucking green room,
00:19:06it was filled with so many stars,
00:19:08I couldn't even believe what I was seeing.
00:19:09Hollywood was seducing me all over again.
00:19:16I was sitting back there, I'm smoking,
00:19:18drinking with the stars.
00:19:21And then two Hollywood movie producers
00:19:23came over right to me.
00:19:25Oh my God, Dave Chappelle said the leader one.
00:19:27He was obviously gay.
00:19:31Some guys you can just tell.
00:19:34The other one seemed like a money guy,
00:19:36like maybe he was from Texas or some shit.
00:19:37But the gay one was definitely the leader
00:19:39because he did all the talking.
00:19:41And then he hit me with,
00:19:42so David,
00:19:44do you have any movie ideas
00:19:46that you would like to pursue?
00:19:49The truth is, I don't.
00:19:53But if you know the game,
00:19:54you're not supposed to tell motherfuckers
00:19:55you don't have ideas.
00:19:56I was like, yeah man,
00:19:57I got plenty of ideas.
00:19:59And he called my bluff.
00:20:01Really? Like what? Huh?
00:20:03Oh.
00:20:08And then I just, I just started making up shit
00:20:10that I thought maybe he'd like to see.
00:20:14I said, I have a superhero idea.
00:20:16He goes, really?
00:20:17I go, yeah.
00:20:17He's a, um, he's a gay superhero.
00:20:20He was like, really?
00:20:24What's it called?
00:20:26Huh? Oh, it's called,
00:20:27it's called Same Hero New Boots.
00:20:33It's about a gay sous chef in San Francisco.
00:20:37He gets bit by a radioactive rat on his shift
00:20:39when he's taken out for trash.
00:20:41And he's blessed with powers beyond his wildest dreams.
00:20:44Super sonic gay kind of powers.
00:20:47And he starts saving everybody in San Francisco.
00:20:51But at first, he only saves gay people.
00:20:54Later, he saves everybody.
00:20:55And the whole city just falls in love with him.
00:20:58The only problem is,
00:20:59no one remembers him when he saves them.
00:21:01Well, I don't understand.
00:21:03Why wouldn't they remember him?
00:21:05I said, because, dummy, he's gay.
00:21:08He keeps changing his outfit.
00:21:14People come up,
00:21:15well, thanks for saving mister.
00:21:18What's your name anyway?
00:21:19And he's like, ugh, same hero.
00:21:21New boots.
00:21:22And that motherfucker flies away.
00:21:29He was like, I like it a lot.
00:21:33The Texan didn't like that shit at all.
00:21:35He was upset.
00:21:36That's impossible, gay superhero.
00:21:38I said, what?
00:21:39Well, I have others.
00:21:40I have a superhero you love,
00:21:42because he's stronger than Superman,
00:21:43and he fights for truth, justice,
00:21:46and the American way like Superman,
00:21:47but more than Superman.
00:21:49He beats up Mexicans for no reason.
00:21:56The Texan's like, you got my attention.
00:22:00I was like, man, this motherfucker's so strong.
00:22:02You can fly and do all this great shit.
00:22:04Only problem with this guy is,
00:22:06he can't even activate his powers,
00:22:08unless he touches,
00:22:10unless he touches a woman's vagina.
00:22:13Not a long touch.
00:22:14Just a couple of pats.
00:22:25He said, well, what's the problem with that?
00:22:27I said, well, the problem, sir,
00:22:29is that our hero is not, uh,
00:22:31he's not a handsome man.
00:22:34And he's often short on cash.
00:22:40So whenever trouble breaks out,
00:22:42he has to run around the city
00:22:43and convince women to let him pat their vaginas.
00:22:45Please, miss, that building's on fire.
00:22:48Can I pat your vagina quickly?
00:22:50People are dying,
00:22:51but he can't tell them exactly why.
00:22:52Ugh, get away, you're gross.
00:22:54Please, miss, people are dying.
00:22:56Just a couple of pats.
00:22:58Ugh, gross, get away.
00:23:06So he rapes them.
00:23:10I know, I know.
00:23:12That's the dilemma for the audience.
00:23:15Because he rapes, but he saves a lot of lives.
00:23:20And he saves way more than he rapes,
00:23:23and he only rapes the same.
00:23:28But he does rape.
00:23:32I didn't realize it,
00:23:33but the whole green room was looking at us.
00:23:35All the celebrities were disgusted.
00:23:38That guy from Texas was like,
00:23:40here's my card, call me on Monday.
00:23:45That worked out.
00:23:50The second time I met O.J. Simpson.
00:23:58It was right after the trial of the century.
00:24:02There I was.
00:24:03Now a young man of probably 23.
00:24:06O.J. Simpson was the most famous or infamous face on planet Earth.
00:24:13I was in a restaurant in Beverly Hills with my agents.
00:24:16I wasn't alone in the restaurant, but I was alone.
00:24:19I was the only black person in the restaurant.
00:24:22And in the 90s, that felt very uncomfortable.
00:24:26Now I tend to enjoy it at this age.
00:24:33I was having dinner with my agents, celebrating a deal that they told me was lucrative, but I later learned,
00:24:38fucking sucked.
00:24:41And suddenly, a group of women walked by.
00:24:44Every race was in that group.
00:24:47Black, white, Asian, Latina, white, white, and white again.
00:24:57They were all gorgeous.
00:24:58I watched them walk by.
00:25:00Then, I saw a familiar face.
00:25:02Al Collins, the man from the infamous Bronco Chase, walked by and embraced one of the women.
00:25:08And they walked towards the door.
00:25:09Couldn't believe what I saw.
00:25:11And then, close behind him, was O.J. Simpson.
00:25:14Newly released from jail.
00:25:16The restaurant fell still.
00:25:18I was shocked.
00:25:19I didn't mean to say it out loud, but it just came out.
00:25:22O.J.
00:25:25He stopped.
00:25:27Turned around to see who said it.
00:25:29Saw my black face and correctly assumed it was me.
00:25:37I was sitting in the corner of the booth.
00:25:39He leaned over all the white people I was having dinner with and shook my hand.
00:25:43How are you, young man?
00:25:45He looked in my eyes, and I could see in his eyes that he didn't remember meeting me the first
00:25:49time.
00:25:52And then he walked away.
00:25:54And I looked back at my agents, and all of them had nothing short of disgust on their faces.
00:26:02And the only one with the courage to voice their disgust was a woman named Sharon, who used to represent
00:26:07me.
00:26:09How could you, she said.
00:26:12How could you shake hands with that murderer?
00:26:16I said, Sharon, with all due respect, that murderer ran for over 11,000 yards.
00:26:29And he was acquitted, so, you know, funny.
00:26:32Glove didn't fit.
00:26:35Glove didn't fit.
00:26:37Get over yourself.
00:26:43Some people can't do that.
00:26:44Some people just can't, they can't get over themselves.
00:26:50Gay people have a hard time doing that recently.
00:26:53Here we go.
00:26:53Here comes the deep water.
00:26:57No, recently I've noticed that.
00:26:59I've noticed that, uh, with that Manny Pacquiao controversy.
00:27:03Yeah, no, it was now, now, in the gay community's defense, uh, Manny Pacquiao said some outlandish shit about gay
00:27:11people.
00:27:12Very, very not nice things that I won't repeat, but there was biblical verses, and some analogies to animals.
00:27:21It wasn't a good look.
00:27:23Nike took his shoes immediately.
00:27:26Which I thought was a little harsh.
00:27:28A little harsh.
00:27:29You know what I mean?
00:27:30Cause he's, uh, just cause he's Asian.
00:27:32You know what I mean?
00:27:33Fuck you gonna take shoes off Asian dude to appease a gay dude.
00:27:38You know what I mean?
00:27:39No?
00:27:40You don't know what I mean.
00:27:40But Asian people kinda know what I mean.
00:27:42No?
00:27:43No Asians in the front?
00:27:44No?
00:27:46No, this is what I mean.
00:27:47Okay, look.
00:27:48Okay, you're an Asian dude.
00:27:50No, I don't, I say this with no disrespect.
00:27:52But we're all Americans, right?
00:27:54And we can agree that America has a huge body count all over the world.
00:27:58But nowhere more than Asian.
00:28:00Literally, if you look at history, recently, we have bombed the masculinity out of an entire continent.
00:28:07We dropped two atomic bombs on fucking Japan, and they've been drawing Hello Kitty and shit ever since.
00:28:15There's a lot of ladyboys in the wake of our bombs.
00:28:20And I know these things cause my wife is Asian.
00:28:22She's Filipino.
00:28:25Alright, well okay, so that explains it.
00:28:27Now you know why you see me at all those Filipino events.
00:28:32I'm not there picking up pussy, I'm dropping something off.
00:28:41I take my wife to all that shit.
00:28:43I took my wife to see Pacquiao fight Mayweather.
00:28:46We sat ringside, okay?
00:28:49That, yeah, that was a quiet car ride home.
00:28:51That's what that was.
00:28:55But if you know what's popping in the Philippines, you know that they got a whole generation of kids in
00:29:00the Philippines growing up without their mothers.
00:29:04Yes!
00:29:05A lot of women in the Philippines go to the Arabian Peninsula, they come to the United States, they make
00:29:10all their money here, they send all that money back home,
00:29:13which is still one of the number one staples in the Philippines economy, money that their expats send back to
00:29:19the Philippines.
00:29:20The men on the other hand are left rearing children, twiddling their thumbs, waiting on their wives' checks.
00:29:26These men have been fucking emasculated.
00:29:29And then suddenly, a boxer rises from amongst them and reinstates their manhood with his motherfucking fist.
00:29:41This is not the guy you're supposed to ask, what do you think of homosexuals?
00:29:47He's not your champ.
00:29:51Shit.
00:29:53That's why I don't have a sneaker deal, because if you say something that people don't like, they'll take your
00:29:57fucking shoes off.
00:29:59If Martin Luther King had a sneaker deal, we'd still be on the back of the bus.
00:30:03They always true, the Nike exec will come up, hi Martin, uh, we need you to tone down the talk
00:30:12of civil rights and blacks being humans.
00:30:17It's upsetting our southern distributors.
00:30:20But I don't understand.
00:30:23I thought that's why I had a sneaker deal in the first place.
00:30:29Not quite.
00:30:31Really, it's a walking shoe, and we like the marching, but...
00:30:37Try to understand.
00:30:40Fuck that shit.
00:30:43You know, I get it though, I understand why gay people are mad, and I empathize.
00:30:47You know what?
00:30:49I'm just telling you this is a black dude.
00:30:51I support your movement, but if you want to take some advice from a negro, pace yourself.
00:30:57These things take a while.
00:30:59Just because they passed the law, doesn't mean they're gonna like you.
00:31:03Brown versus the Board of Education was in 1955, somebody called me a nigga in traffic last Wednesday.
00:31:09It's a long, it takes, it takes a minute.
00:31:17My wife's friend, Stuart, told me that, my wife has a lot of gay friends. Stuart, Stuart's their leader.
00:31:25She has a lot of gay friends.
00:31:27And I don't like them.
00:31:34Not because they're gay, I'm just judging them on the merits of their character.
00:31:37They're just not nice dudes.
00:31:38They're fuckin' rude house guests.
00:31:40They're sittin' on my couch, gigglin' with my wife, eating my motherfuckin' macaroons.
00:31:48And I come in, they act like the party's over.
00:31:50Hey, Stuart, what's goin' on?
00:31:51This guy talks to me the way a cat would speak if a cat could talk.
00:31:55Hi, David.
00:32:01Stuart, what's all the beef, man? What's goin'?
00:32:04He always must have some kind of gay political argument.
00:32:06The last one was about a petition in federal court to take the words husband and wife out of the
00:32:12law.
00:32:13I said, well, why would you want those words out of the law?
00:32:15He said, because it discriminates against same-sex couples.
00:32:18I was like, niggas, please, save me the semantics.
00:32:20Just trust me, take your chips and get the fuck out of the casino.
00:32:23You're about to crap out.
00:32:26Just go outside, talk that over amongst yourselves,
00:32:29and whichever one of you is gayer, that's the wife.
00:32:38No, no, no, Stuart didn't like that.
00:32:41Stuart educates me about this movement, you know what I mean?
00:32:43I didn't even know shit about it.
00:32:45He told me it's called L-B-G-T-Q.
00:32:52I was like, what the fuck is the Q?
00:32:55Does that even make sense, Q?
00:32:57Turns out Q is like the vows.
00:32:59That shit is sometimes Y.
00:33:04It's for gay dudes that don't really know they're gay.
00:33:06You know what I mean? Like prison fags are like,
00:33:08I'm not gay, nigga, I'm just sucking these dicks to pass the time.
00:33:13I'm not G, I'm Q.
00:33:14Ugh.
00:33:27I think, I think, okay, again, of all those letters,
00:33:31the T has the toughest road ahead.
00:33:33In fact, I think the T should stand for tough road ahead.
00:33:41They've got the longest mental gap to bridge.
00:33:43That's all I'm saying.
00:33:45Because, you know, whenever I see one of them T's on the street,
00:33:47I don't mind them, but I'll be like, man, I miss Bruce.
00:33:54I'm sorry, guys.
00:33:56I'm 42.
00:33:58I remember Bruce Jenner.
00:34:00Before the Kardashians, before all that,
00:34:02this motherfucker was a white American superhero.
00:34:06It was amazing.
00:34:07He was beating Africans at track and field.
00:34:11We'd never seen anything like it.
00:34:14He was on my cereal box growing up.
00:34:17You know how much of that cereal I ate, nigga?
00:34:18I didn't know he was gonna do that.
00:34:25I knew before you guys knew.
00:34:28I heard things on the street in Hollywood.
00:34:30You know, you'd just be out, see people.
00:34:32Hey, what's up, Kanye?
00:34:33Why the long face?
00:34:38Nigga, you'll see.
00:34:41Got two mother-in-laws now.
00:34:45And when I heard he was gonna do it,
00:34:47I was scared.
00:34:49I didn't think the public was ready.
00:34:51I didn't think the media was ready.
00:34:52And you know what?
00:34:53I was wrong.
00:34:55Not only did the public embrace him,
00:34:56but the media was nice.
00:34:57I'd never seen anything like it.
00:34:59Welcome to the world, Caitlin.
00:35:01So long, Bruce.
00:35:03Hello, Caitlin.
00:35:04I was shocked!
00:35:06Is this happening?
00:35:07Wait a minute.
00:35:08Is this a time in American history
00:35:09when an American can make a decision for themselves?
00:35:12And even though other Americans don't understand it,
00:35:14they'll support it
00:35:15and let this person live a happy life?
00:35:17Is this what's happening?
00:35:19If it is, then good for America.
00:35:21That's Dave Chappelle, the American.
00:35:28Although Dave Chappelle, the black American,
00:35:32he was a little jealous.
00:35:34I was like,
00:35:35how the fuck are transgender people beating black people
00:35:38in the discrimination Olympics?
00:35:41If the police shot half as many transgenders
00:35:44as they did niggas last year,
00:35:45it'd be a fucking war in LA.
00:35:48I know black dudes in Brooklyn,
00:35:50hard street motherfuckers,
00:35:51that wear high heels just to feel safe.
00:36:07transgenders are gangsters.
00:36:09I used to do business with a transgender in Hollywood.
00:36:13Man, everybody would be scared of her in the boardroom.
00:36:16She'd walk in there,
00:36:17newly minted woman, high heels, purse.
00:36:21Wouldn't say anything to her,
00:36:23she'd walk around the conference table
00:36:24looking mean as shit.
00:36:33And she walked to the head of the conference table,
00:36:36staring at us all, reaching a person,
00:36:39pull her old dick out and throw it on the tape.
00:36:44Let's talk business, gentlemen.
00:36:46Ah!
00:36:54Shit is scary as fuck.
00:36:56If your best friend pitched that to you,
00:36:58you'd be horrified.
00:36:59Yo, nigga, let's go to the hospital
00:37:01and cut our dicks off
00:37:02and make pussies out of them shits.
00:37:04What?
00:37:06Can't we just get matching jackets
00:37:08or tattoos or something?
00:37:11Sure, that's what you want to do?
00:37:13There's only one way to find out, nigga.
00:37:14Woo-Tang.
00:37:15Bow!
00:37:16Bow!
00:37:20Let's go to the club and trick niggas
00:37:22into fucking ass, yeah.
00:37:34The third time I met O.J. Simpson.
00:37:45third time I met OJ Simpson I was doing great in life I just finished the second
00:37:49season Chappelle show man those were good days I was playing a comedy club in
00:37:59Miami the improv I don't know if you've ever been but if you have you know the
00:38:02door for the green room is right on the stage can you imagine such a thing if I
00:38:06walked out of the door of the green room BAM I'm just right here right from the
00:38:10dressing room and I did that I walked out and the whole crowd was like hooray
00:38:14and I looked ma'am as close as you are to me I saw him as soon as I came
00:38:20out the
00:38:20juice and I saw recognition in his eyes and it filled me with pride that he knew
00:38:28who I was I didn't acknowledge his presence because it was a white audience
00:38:32and I didn't want to start a panic but I did my show show went great I said good
00:38:41night every Monday all said yeah and I didn't say nothing to OJ but I just gave
00:38:45him a signal let him know I knew he was there
00:38:50and I walked into the green room and OJ was already in there I was like how the
00:38:57fuck is this possible I was scared then my friends came in and we all started
00:39:04talking we sat down on the couch and I'm just telling you what I saw with my own
00:39:08eyes you can believe me or not believe me but in my experience OJ Simpson one of the
00:39:13nicest men I'd ever met he was nice to me he's nice to my friends the conversation
00:39:19was filled with warmth and levity humor and wisdom we talked for 90 minutes and
00:39:26then suddenly the juice said you know what I've got to be going but it's good to
00:39:30see you again and I'm glad things went so well I said thanks juice and my friend said
00:39:35yeah goodbye mr. juice they're new to the game
00:39:41he said no thank you for your hospitality good night guys and we said good night and
00:39:47he just walked out of the room and as soon as the door closed we all looked at each
00:39:51like that nigga did that shit I feel like murder in the room well you young heads miss that shit
00:40:08you
00:40:08all too young you don't remember that how old are you young man you 24 you don't know shit you
00:40:17don't
00:40:17google shit that I live through see this is why I lock motherfuckers phones up seriously because the
00:40:24young kids you guys look you need to take a break from that we all need to break just from
00:40:29that
00:40:29technology just for a minute
00:40:36you know I'm from a different time young man a dark time to you
00:40:41I'm from a time that I didn't even used to know who was on the phone until I answered the
00:40:45shit
00:40:52like when tragedy used to strike I remember I was 12 years old and the teacher wheeled the
00:40:57television set into the classroom you know these days and she turned it on to one of three channels
00:41:07and and she said class the space shuttle is taking off and we're all gonna watch it take off
00:41:13man that shit was going great for like three to five minutes that's right you remember it fucking
00:41:22exploded right on television everybody on board dead immediately presumed dead
00:41:29it was so bad the teacher looked at all the kids and was like
00:41:34you can go home
00:41:39it's a goddamn national tragedy this was cold war america the russians were laughing at us
00:41:46my point is for you guys your age wouldn't even know the pain because in your generation it's like
00:41:52the space shuttle blows up every fucking day how can you care about anything when you know every
00:41:59goddamn thing I'm getting over one cop shooting and then another one happens and then another one
00:42:04happens and another one happens I'm crying about Paris and then Brussels happens I can't keep track
00:42:09all this shit so you just give the fuck up that's the hallmark of your generation and that's fucked up
00:42:15because your generation lives in the most difficult time in human history this is the age of spin the age
00:42:24where nobody knows what the fuck they're even looking at did you know that Planned Parenthood was for abortions
00:42:31it's for people that don't plan things out at all
00:42:38that's right so a guy your age doesn't really know how he feels are you pro-choice are you anti
00:42:47-consequences
00:42:47what does it all really mean it's easier not to care for you but for us we were trained to
00:42:58care
00:42:59we were raised that way I used to watch a fucking cartoon when I was growing up called care bears
00:43:11it was about a fucking group of teddy bear people they were like teddy bears but they
00:43:17were like people and they were all different colors and they all fucking just walked around caring
00:43:23they cared about each other and everything else they all had different designs on their stomachs and the
00:43:32designs told you something about what they might be like inside
00:43:39very very loving group of beings and when shit got real bad as nice as those teddy bears were
00:43:46they didn't get mean faces they got determined hmm and the leader would say come on guys it's time for
00:43:54the care bear stare
00:43:57remember that shit
00:44:02and them little teddy bears would lock arms and stare at the problem and I'm not even bullshitting
00:44:11actual love would shoot out of their chest and would dispel anything that was fucked up
00:44:22and when we grew up we wanted to be like those babies and then we got our hearts broken
00:44:28so we found out that life wasn't gonna let us do that and that it's impossible to shoot love out
00:44:35of your chest
00:44:38however I have shot love onto somebody's chest before
00:44:46I do it all the time
00:44:49it's the next best thing
00:44:58oh yeah you kids don't know
00:45:01your generation is just determined to be angry
00:45:06mad
00:45:08everybody's mad
00:45:10back when we were growing up only black people were mad
00:45:12now everybody's just trying to get in on the act
00:45:17I try to think to myself when did everyone get mad and then I realized this happened before we were
00:45:21born
00:45:22this is a long way to go but
00:45:25probably started in the second world war
00:45:28think about it
00:45:30all these black men millions of black men
00:45:33leave the United States for the first time
00:45:35go over to Europe with America's armed forces
00:45:37and fight the Nazis
00:45:39and make more money fighting Nazis
00:45:42than they ever dreamed they would make in the United States
00:45:44and a lot of those men while they were in Europe
00:45:47just to just to be real
00:45:48not to be crass
00:45:50a lot of them
00:45:51probably got their dick sucked by white women
00:45:55I'm sorry ladies and gentlemen
00:45:57this was world war two Europe
00:45:58and these were desperate times
00:46:00and penises were being sucked for
00:46:01shoelaces and chocolate and very frivolous things
00:46:08and it's very hard to come back to America
00:46:09and sit on the back of the bus
00:46:11after you've been in the south of France
00:46:12getting your dick sucked for a crunch bar
00:46:14some crazy shit like that
00:46:19that's a life changing experience
00:46:24and while that was happening in Europe
00:46:26here in America for the first time
00:46:29women entered the workforce in mass
00:46:32by the millions
00:46:33all the men were gone
00:46:35someone had to run the factory
00:46:36the ladies didn't
00:46:38that's right
00:46:39this was the first generation of American women
00:46:42to have independent income in mass
00:46:44and when the men came back
00:46:46the women weren't the same
00:46:47American women had grown
00:46:49they were uttering phrases
00:46:50that no woman on earth
00:46:51had ever spoken before
00:46:53things like no
00:46:54and shut the fuck up
00:46:55and I don't feel like it
00:47:04and then behind the scenes of that
00:47:07there was a little known government agency
00:47:09that started testing mind control drugs
00:47:11on the American public
00:47:13they fucked up
00:47:14they tested it for 12 years
00:47:16they didn't realize
00:47:16these drugs were not mind controlling
00:47:18they were mind expanding
00:47:20it was LSD and mescaline
00:47:22and shit like that
00:47:24and for the first time
00:47:25there was a new school of thought
00:47:27that was chemically induced
00:47:28that made people question
00:47:30the very society they lived in
00:47:31by 1960
00:47:33the president of the United States
00:47:34was only 42 years old
00:47:37can you imagine?
00:47:38DMX is older than that
00:47:44and he was going to usher in a new era of peace
00:47:47he was going to avoid the Cold War
00:47:49he was going to end segregation
00:47:50and they blew his fucking brains out
00:47:53in front of everyone in Dallas
00:47:54this country was never the same
00:47:57there were seven more major assassinations in the 60s
00:48:00anyone that stood up and said anything
00:48:02was shot down the streets
00:48:04like a fucking dog
00:48:05Kennedy
00:48:06Kennedy
00:48:07King
00:48:08X
00:48:08Elvis
00:48:09on and on
00:48:10he didn't even have to be famous
00:48:11he could be a college student at Kent State
00:48:13or in Mississippi protesting the Vietnam War
00:48:16and they shot them too
00:48:20the 70s were a wild era
00:48:22and while all this was going on
00:48:26Bill Cosby
00:48:27Bill Cosby raped 54 people
00:48:33holy shit
00:48:34that's a lot of rapes man
00:48:36this guy's putting up real numbers
00:48:39he's like the Steph Curry of rape
00:48:45man that's a lot of rapes
00:48:4754
00:48:49he had raped 30 less people
00:48:53that's still two dozen rapes
00:48:59don't forget each one of these rapes
00:49:01has eight hours of sleep in it
00:49:06ladies and gentlemen
00:49:07that's over 400 hours of rape
00:49:11it only takes 65 hours to get a pilot's license
00:49:18if rapes were aircrafts
00:49:19this nigga's top gun for sure
00:49:28yeah that's a tough one
00:49:30you know and I was on stage not too long ago
00:49:33I was in Syracuse New York
00:49:35yeah
00:49:36well yeah for Syracuse
00:49:38but the show didn't go so good
00:49:40all because I was talking about Bill Cosby a little bit
00:49:42not a little bit I'll be honest
00:49:44talked about him for like maybe 25 minutes
00:49:49and a woman stood up in the back of the room
00:49:51and she screamed out
00:49:52you are a fucking asshole for saying these things
00:49:57I know
00:50:00instantly I felt you know like bad
00:50:02not bad about what I was saying
00:50:04I just felt bad like oh that's too bad she doesn't like the show
00:50:09I didn't realize it at first
00:50:11but not only did she say that
00:50:14she was rushing the stage
00:50:16by the time I saw her
00:50:17I just saw this shadowy figure
00:50:19fucking charging up the aisle towards me
00:50:21in full fight mode
00:50:23I was horrified
00:50:24I said oh my god
00:50:27I'ma kick this bitch in the face
00:50:37lucky for me
00:50:37I didn't have to
00:50:39security tackled her
00:50:40but it was a really fucking horrifying scene
00:50:44scuffle ensued
00:50:46and then
00:50:47finally
00:50:48she screamed out to me
00:50:50women suffer
00:50:51I said I know
00:50:53and ladies I need you to know
00:50:56that I know
00:50:58I need you to know
00:50:59seriously there's a lot of men in this room
00:51:01that identify themselves as feminists
00:51:04I would include myself in that
00:51:05don't ever forget
00:51:06we all have mothers and daughters and sisters and wives
00:51:10and we want to see all these women do well
00:51:13and not be held back by their gender
00:51:16there's a lot of men like that in this room
00:51:17there's a lot of men like that in the world
00:51:19or as we are known on the streets
00:51:21bitch ass mess
00:51:30but as this woman was wrestling and screaming at me
00:51:32I started to take offense
00:51:33and I'ma be honest
00:51:34race was involved
00:51:35she was a young white woman
00:51:36well intentioned but it's like
00:51:38not thinking it all the way through
00:51:40bitch how the fuck are you
00:51:42going to yell at a black man about discrimination
00:51:46she didn't get it
00:51:47she just kept going
00:51:48women suffer
00:51:49I know
00:51:50women suffer
00:51:51same team
00:51:53women suffer
00:51:54I know
00:51:56and this is when she went too far
00:51:57we suffer just like you
00:51:58slow your roll bitch
00:52:04you suffer yes but not like me
00:52:07not like us
00:52:08she goes suffering and suffering
00:52:10what's the difference
00:52:11I said come on white woman you know what it is
00:52:14you was in on the heist
00:52:15you just don't like your cut
00:52:20you suffer
00:52:20I suffer
00:52:22you suffer
00:52:24I suffer
00:52:24that's how it works
00:52:27can't do comparative suffering
00:52:28if you're hungry
00:52:30and your friend says you know
00:52:31people are starving in Africa
00:52:32so what nigga I still want lunch
00:52:41black people know about comparative suffering
00:52:43and you know this is a fucking dead end game
00:52:45blacks and Jews do that shit to each other all the time
00:52:47you ever played who suffer more with a Jewish person?
00:52:54it's a tough game
00:52:57whenever you think you got the Jewish guy on the ropes
00:52:58that motherfucker be like
00:52:59well don't forget about Egypt
00:53:00Egypt?
00:53:01god damn nigga
00:53:02I didn't know he was going all the way back
00:53:04to Egypt
00:53:11what the fuck is wrong with?
00:53:12what does she think?
00:53:13does she think that I don't know
00:53:15that rape is wrong?
00:53:17does she think that maybe I don't have empathy
00:53:19for Bill Cosby's alleged victims?
00:53:22and I would be remiss
00:53:23if I didn't remind you
00:53:25that technically these are all still allegations
00:53:28although I admit
00:53:29it looks very bad
00:53:36but perhaps
00:53:38if she looked at it correctly
00:53:39she would have empathy for me
00:53:41the man she was attacking
00:53:4442 year old black comedian
00:53:46obviously Bill Cosby was a hero to me
00:53:49and she doesn't know what it feels like
00:53:51to think that your hero might have done something so heinous
00:53:55because
00:53:55my god you can't imagine
00:53:56it would be as if you heard that
00:53:59chocolate ice cream itself
00:54:02had raped 54 people
00:54:10you'd say to yourself
00:54:11oh man but I like chocolate ice cream
00:54:14I don't want it to rape
00:54:21didn't want to believe it
00:54:23at first I didn't believe it
00:54:24I was like man these people are obviously
00:54:25trying to destroy
00:54:27Dr. Cosby's rich legacy
00:54:30even 34 allegations into it
00:54:32I was still like
00:54:33man
00:54:36probably only rate 10 or 11 of those people
00:54:42I know I know but it's really tough
00:54:44you know you guys are young
00:54:45imagine if you found out
00:54:4840 years from now that Kevin Hart
00:54:49raped the 54 people
00:54:50the only one that would believe that would be Cat Williams
00:54:54he'd be like I knew that motherfucker was up to something
00:55:01I knew Kevin was up to something
00:55:04I knew Kevin was up to something
00:55:07you know I was mad at Kevin too though
00:55:11you know why
00:55:12okay first of all I didn't even know Kevin was as successful as he was
00:55:18I found that shit out the hard way
00:55:21I was at home when my son busted and he said dad
00:55:23damn I need $250
00:55:26he's only 12 years old so I freaked out
00:55:28what's going on nigga somebody trying to kill you?
00:55:35he said no, no
00:55:38Kevin Hart's coming to town and I wanted to see his show
00:55:40I said well how much are the tickets?
00:55:42he said they're $125
00:55:43I said god damn mine are only $80
00:55:49I said well why do you need $250 then?
00:55:51he goes cause I want to go with you dad
00:55:54please
00:55:56and there it is
00:55:58so I took him to the show
00:56:00and we go we sit right up front
00:56:02the lights go down and one opening act after another goes on
00:56:05then Kevin takes the stage
00:56:07crowd goes fucking nuts
00:56:10thousands of people
00:56:12I was furious
00:56:21the longer the show went on the madder I got
00:56:25cause this show was fucking outstanding
00:56:28it was maddening
00:56:29these people were fucking holding their stomachs
00:56:30my son was slapping his knee
00:56:33I'm like
00:56:34oh nigga I do this too
00:56:41Kevin says goodnight
00:56:43the crowd goes crazy
00:56:44and then everyone starts walking to his door
00:56:46and the lights come on
00:56:48and then my son is just standing there
00:56:50looking at an empty stage
00:56:52people are pushing past me
00:56:53and nobody's recognized me
00:56:55I'm like man this place fucking sucks
00:56:58I said come on son let's get out of here
00:57:01and then my son looks back at me and he says dad please
00:57:04please I have to meet him
00:57:06I was like oh my god
00:57:09so I took him backstage
00:57:11I've known Kevin for years
00:57:12but can you believe I was
00:57:14scared to knock on his dressing room door
00:57:16I almost said I said
00:57:19son I haven't seen him for a long time
00:57:21and I
00:57:26and one of Kevin's goons opened the door
00:57:29hey what's up Dasha pal what you doing man
00:57:32it's good to see you brother
00:57:33what you doing in this area
00:57:34this is a terrible area
00:57:35yeah actually I live around here
00:57:37listen
00:57:43is Kevin here
00:57:45my son just wanted to meet him real quick
00:57:47well I don't know cause Kevin's about to eat dinner
00:57:49just then Kevin came around the corner to see who it was
00:57:53oh shit what's up Dave
00:57:54come on back I was just about to have dinner
00:57:56I don't know if you guys ate but you're welcome to join me if you like
00:57:59and then my son pushed past me some cold shit he goes
00:58:02actually Mr. Hart
00:58:03we haven't eaten in several hours
00:58:12man Kevin took us into his back room
00:58:15this guy had a fucking spread
00:58:17it was Tuesday night this motherfucker was having Sunday dinner
00:58:20it was steaks, chops, corn with butter all over it
00:58:23my son was eating all fast embarrass me
00:58:26I was like slow down son
00:58:27then I looked over in the corner there was a
00:58:40there was a box
00:58:43custom made jerseys for the local team
00:58:46each one was hand stitched
00:58:47and on the back they stitched on the
00:58:50K heart
00:58:51on all of them
00:58:53Kevin saw me staring at that box
00:58:55and he went over and grabbed one of them jerseys
00:58:59and he walked right to my son
00:59:01he said hey little man
00:59:03I want you to have this
00:59:05and my son was like thanks Mr. Hart
00:59:07this is when I got mad he goes
00:59:08your father ever makes you mad put that on
00:59:11and he walked out there
00:59:17oh that was some cold shit
00:59:23then I realized I looked up what Kevin made on Google
00:59:25I couldn't believe that shit
00:59:26Kevin is the first comedian that a Drake song could be about
00:59:32Kevin could walk around his house and sing all me
00:59:35and the whole song would still be true
00:59:38got everything, I got everything
00:59:41I cannot complain I could die
00:59:44I don't even know how much I really made
00:59:47I forgot it's a lot
00:59:49fuck that never mind what I got
00:59:51and his wife be like Kevin come to bed
00:59:53he be like ho shut the fuck up
00:59:55I got way too much
01:00:01you know how much money you have to have to tell a girl to shut the fuck up
01:00:08I have quiet please money at best
01:00:14I'd have to take a loan out for shut the fuck up
01:00:18shut the fuck up that's Jay-Z money
01:00:21and Beyonce got no you shut the fuck up
01:00:33let's not forget
01:00:35let's not forget
01:00:36I've never met Bill Cosby
01:00:37so I'm not defending him
01:00:39but let's just remember that
01:00:40he has a valuable legacy that I can't just throw away
01:00:44I remember that he's the first black man to ever win an Emmy in television
01:00:48I also remember that he's the first guy to make a cartoon with black characters
01:00:52where their lips and noses were drawn proportionally
01:00:56I remember that he had a television show that got numbers equivalent to the Super Bowl every Thursday night
01:01:02and I remember that he partnered up with a clinical psychologist to make sure that there was not one negative
01:01:09image of African Americans on his show
01:01:12I'm telling you this, it's no small thing
01:01:15I've had a television show
01:01:18I wouldn't have done that shit
01:01:21gave tens of millions of dollars to African American institutions of higher learning
01:01:25and is directly responsible for thousands of black kids going to college
01:01:29not just the ones he raped
01:01:37here comes the kicker, you ready?
01:01:40here's the fact that I heard but haven't confirmed
01:01:42I heard that when Martin Luther King stood on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial and said he had a
01:01:48dream
01:01:48he was speaking into a PA system that Bill Cosby paid for
01:01:53do you understand what I'm saying?
01:01:55the point is this
01:01:56he rapes, but he saves
01:01:59and he saves
01:02:00more than he rapes
01:02:02but he probably does rape
01:02:04thank you very much
01:02:05good night
01:02:29Thank you
01:02:29thank you
01:02:38I forgot
01:02:40the 4th time I met O.J. Simpson
01:02:47the 4th time is not the funniest time, but it was the last time I'd see the juice
01:02:53for some reason I was at the Kentucky Derby it's a very long story
01:02:58this is right after I quit Chappelle's show
01:03:01in spectacular fashion
01:03:06there was a party hosted by Michael Jordan and every
01:03:09athlete I've ever admired was in that
01:03:13room yes
01:03:17and then I saw a familiar face by the bar standing there
01:03:20drinking alone it was Chris Tucker now
01:03:26you have to remember at this time we were both technically missing
01:03:34and we went over and we're talking with one another and
01:03:36motherfuckers were amazed to see us together seeing me and Chris Tucker at that point
01:03:40would be like seeing Bigfoot riding a unicorn
01:03:43you wouldn't believe that's what you would say
01:03:47and then through all the gawkers
01:03:50a familiar face pushed to the crowd
01:03:53here he was again
01:03:55the juice
01:03:57he had his camera ready he was like Dave
01:03:59Chris good to see you guys
01:04:02hey come on guys let's all get together for a picture
01:04:04and at the same time me and Chris were like
01:04:07no
01:04:13sorry juice my career is too flimsy to survive a picture with you
01:04:19that's the end
01:04:20good night
01:04:43one last thing before you go I just wanted to acknowledge for the real comedy fans we can't see you
01:04:50guys
01:04:50I can't not acknowledge it. We lost a fuckin' juggernaut in comedy this week.
01:04:55So I'm just shouting out the family and friends of Gary Shanling. Much love to you guys.
01:05:00Mike's the serious, the condolences.
01:05:02And for the hip-hop fans in the building, put two fingers up in the air.
01:05:09For Tribe Called Quest and my man Fight Dog, may he rest in peace forever and ever.
01:05:14Thank you for that beautiful music. Good night, everybody. Thank you.
01:05:21Two left! Two left! Hands up! Hands up! Two left! We're gonna do this for Fife!
01:05:27I need another guy to grab with me right now!
01:05:29Can I kick it? Yes, you can!
01:05:32Can I kick it? Yes, you can!
01:05:34Can I kick it? Yes, you can!
01:05:37I'm born. Born!
01:05:39Can I kick it? To my tribe that flows in layers.
01:05:43Right now, Fife is a poinsayer. At times, I'm a studio conveyor.
01:05:48Mr. Dinkins, would you please be my mayor?
01:05:50You'll be doing us a really big favor.
01:05:53Boy, this track really has a lot of flavor.
01:05:55When it comes to rhythms, Quest is your savior.
01:05:58Follow us for the funky behavior.
01:06:00Make a note on the rhythm we gave ya.
01:06:03Feel free, drop your pants, yank your hair.
01:06:05Do you like the garments that we wear?
01:06:08I instruct you to be the obeyer.
01:06:10A rhythm recipe that you'll savor.
01:06:12Doesn't matter if you're minor or major.
01:06:15Yes, the tribe of the game, we're the player.
01:06:18As you inhale like a breath of fresh air.
01:06:20Go, go, go, go!
01:06:23And to be there.
01:06:27Let us know again.
01:06:33Put your hands on the rhythm.
01:06:34Then we'll continue to heal.
01:06:35Bye, bye.
01:06:37Teach me, bye, bye.
01:06:38Take the edge of the loop.
01:06:38Take the edge of the hoop.
01:06:39Take the edge of the hoop.
01:06:39Get the edge of the hoop.
01:06:47Come, look, take the edge of the hoop.
01:07:07I'm rich, biatch!
01:07:19I'm rich, biatch!
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