As he closes out his slate of comedy specials, Dave takes the stage to try and set the record straight; and get a few things off his chest.
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#comedy #standupcomedy #standup #jokes #funny #davechappelle #davechappellecomedy #davechappellestandup
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00:01:00The evidence of things unseen, the book of light, the mansions of the moon, the bones
00:01:04of fear to own, recently discovered in everything, but no, the doubt is doubts about it, never
00:01:09made it untrue life, the gift, peace, help the pressure, can't remember how you came
00:01:14on when I'm better, how you exit from the start.
00:01:16The only thing certain is the end, promise to all and none, know and not when, heartbreak
00:01:21from yesterday and fret for tomorrow, I'll leave you now filled with anxiety, I'll holler
00:01:26if you pray, don't worry if you worry, don't pray, my homie told it to me just the other
00:01:30day, from the tall castle walls to the mean teen streets, I hope you get what you want,
00:01:35and if you want what you need, I'm in.
00:01:40Everyone have a seat, be comfortable, relax, I gotta tell you, let's go, let's go.
00:02:07I need you guys to know something, and I'm gonna tell you the truth, and don't get freaked
00:02:11out, this is gonna be my last special for a minute, it's all good, it's all good, listen,
00:02:19listen to me, I did it in Detroit for that reason, it's rad, you wanna know why, because
00:02:33I talked so much shit about Detroit in the first special, I figured I might as well do
00:02:37the last special here, sorry about that, by the way, first of all, before I even start,
00:02:47I wanna say that I'm rich and famous, and, and, and the only reason I say that is because
00:02:54the last 17 months were hell, and I cannot imagine what everybody went through, but I'm
00:02:59happy to see you, and I'm happy you're well, and I hope everyone you love is okay.
00:03:10I don't want you to worry about me, I'm, I'm vaccinated, I, uh, got the Johnson and Johnson
00:03:18vaccine.
00:03:23I gotta admit, that's probably the most niggerish decision I've made in a long time.
00:03:31I walk in the doctor like, give me the third best option.
00:03:36I'll have what the homeless people are having.
00:03:43So far, so good.
00:03:46And I know you probably heard on the news, I did, I did get coronavirus, and it was,
00:03:50it was something else, like, okay, first of all, when the doctor told me I had coronavirus,
00:03:54I, I gotta tell you, I was surprised how it made me feel.
00:03:59I felt dirty.
00:04:04I felt gross.
00:04:06Because I had been walking around Texas, just touching doorknobs and shit, hands all moist,
00:04:13tipping niggas with cash.
00:04:14Here, take this to your family.
00:04:20I must have killed thousands of people.
00:04:24Just trying to get tonight's show together.
00:04:26So I hope you appreciate it, because a lot of niggas dying for me to get this one off.
00:04:35I hadn't felt that dirty in a long time.
00:04:39Last time I can remember feeling dirty like that, man, I must have been a little boy.
00:04:44I was being molested by a preacher.
00:04:48I don't feel bad for me.
00:04:49I liked it.
00:04:53I used to get a kick out of coming in that fellow's face.
00:05:00Well, he asked me to do it.
00:05:12They're making quarantine.
00:05:13I had to quarantine for 10 days at least.
00:05:16He said, you're going to have to stay in the room.
00:05:17I didn't go nowhere.
00:05:18And it started making me nuts, because I would just sit in the room and watch videos all day.
00:05:23Now, you know what I was watching?
00:05:25And I hate to say this, but there was a lot of videos, sadly, of black people.
00:05:32Beating up Asians for no reason.
00:05:35All these attacks were unprovoked.
00:05:36I couldn't believe it.
00:05:37And I was sitting in the room watching this shit.
00:05:39It was stressing me out.
00:05:40I was stressed already, because the whole time when you get coronavirus, at least the first
00:05:43five days, you wait to see how sick you're going to get.
00:05:48And it turns out, and this is true, I didn't get sick at all.
00:05:55Not a cough, not a booger, not a fever, nothing.
00:05:58Look at me.
00:06:00I am the Magic Johnson of coronavirus.
00:06:09I just sat in the crib and got stronger all week.
00:06:14But I was stressed, because I kept watching these videos of my beloved black people beating
00:06:18up my beloved Asian people and being so cruel.
00:06:21And the whole time I watched those videos, this is fucked up, but I couldn't help but feel
00:06:25like when I saw these brothers beating these Asians up, it's probably what's happening inside
00:06:30of my body.
00:06:41I didn't get sick.
00:06:49I also saw a lot of videos of UFOs.
00:06:53I mean, what the fuck has been going on with that shit?
00:06:55These niggas are here.
00:06:56These UFOs keep coming to Earth, and it made me think of an idea for a movie.
00:07:00Sounds dumb, but hear me out.
00:07:02In my movie idea, we find out that these aliens are originally from Earth.
00:07:09That they're from an ancient civilization that achieved interstellar travel and left the Earth
00:07:14thousands of years ago.
00:07:16Some other planet they go to, and things go terrible for them in the other planet.
00:07:20So they come back to Earth, and decide that they want to claim the Earth for their very own.
00:07:26It's a pretty good plot line, huh?
00:07:29I call it space Jews.
00:07:39Space Jews.
00:07:42All right.
00:07:44It's going to get worse than that.
00:07:45Hang in there.
00:07:49It's going to get way worse than that.
00:07:54Then I thought of an idea for a children's book.
00:07:57I actually wrote it.
00:07:59It's coming out soon.
00:08:00The book is designed to help parents teach their children about racism, which, if you're
00:08:05a parent, you know, is an impossible concept to teach to a child.
00:08:10But I'm doing it.
00:08:11But the book is about a big, strong, beautiful black man with a benign, regular-ass white name.
00:08:21And he has a white speaking voice.
00:08:24So whenever this motherfucker calls to get a reservation at a restaurant, oh, he gets the reservation.
00:08:33That name and that voice, who could resist them?
00:08:36Now, I should tell you, this black man is literally an actual giant.
00:08:41And he's a strong dude.
00:08:43And when he shows up to them restaurants, they see that big, giant black dude.
00:08:47They say, you can't come in here.
00:08:49And they call the police.
00:08:54And in every installment of the book, the police come, and they always shoot him.
00:09:04But remember, no, remember, this guy is a giant.
00:09:07These bullets don't kill him.
00:09:09They don't even hurt him.
00:09:10They just break his heart.
00:09:15It's called Clifford the Big Black Nigger.
00:09:17Anyone?
00:09:33This is my last special because I have an objective tonight.
00:09:39I came here tonight because this body of work that I've done on Netflix, I'm going to complete.
00:09:48All the questions you might have had about all these jokes I've said in the last few years,
00:09:52I hope to answer tonight.
00:09:54And I'd like to start by addressing the LBGTQ community director.
00:10:06And I want every member of that community to know that I come here the night in peace.
00:10:11And I hope to negotiate the release of DaBaby.
00:10:25Sad, sad, sad story.
00:10:30DaBaby was the number one streaming artist until about a couple weeks ago.
00:10:34He took a nasty spill on stage and said some wild stuff about the LBGTQ community during a concert in
00:10:45Florida.
00:10:47Now, you know I go hard in the paint, but even I saw that shit and was like,
00:10:50God damn, DaBaby.
00:10:54Ooh, he pushed the button, didn't he?
00:10:57He pushed the button, punched the LBGTQ community right in the heads.
00:11:07Can't do that.
00:11:11Can't do that.
00:11:15But I do believe, and I'll make this point later,
00:11:18that the kid made a very egregious mistake.
00:11:22I will acknowledge that.
00:11:23But, you know, a lot of the LBGTQ community doesn't know DaBaby's history.
00:11:28He's a wild guy.
00:11:30He once shot a nigga
00:11:34and killed him
00:11:35in Walmart.
00:11:38Oh, this is true.
00:11:39Google it.
00:11:39Google it.
00:11:39DaBaby shot and killed a nigga in Walmart in North Carolina.
00:11:44Nothing bad happened to his career.
00:11:51Do you see where I'm going with this?
00:11:56In our country, you can shoot and kill a nigga,
00:12:00but you better not hurt a gay person's feelings.
00:12:07And this is precisely the disparity that I wish to discuss.
00:12:16I have a question for the audience.
00:12:19And this is a real question.
00:12:21I'm not joking around.
00:12:23Is it possible
00:12:25that a gay person
00:12:27can be racist?
00:12:34Do you really think so?
00:12:37Of course it's possible.
00:12:39Look at Mike Pence.
00:12:48Oh, I'm guessing, but I bet you he's gay.
00:12:52And he's not Pride Parade gay either.
00:12:55He's...
00:12:56He's sad gay.
00:12:59Feel bad for him.
00:13:01He looks like one of them gays
00:13:03that prays about it.
00:13:09Jesus, please take these dirty feelings
00:13:11out of my heart.
00:13:14Please, Jesus,
00:13:15make these buttholes ugly to me.
00:13:18I want to keep on tasting these dicks.
00:13:28You guys are confusing the emotions.
00:13:31You think I hate gay people,
00:13:33and what you're really seeing
00:13:35is that I am jealous
00:13:37of gay people.
00:13:39Oh, I'm jealous.
00:13:41I'm not the only black person
00:13:42that feels this way.
00:13:44We blacks,
00:13:44we look at the gay community,
00:13:46and we go,
00:13:46God damn it,
00:13:47look how well
00:13:47that movement is going.
00:13:51Look how well
00:13:53you are doing.
00:13:56And we've been trapped
00:13:57in this predicament
00:13:58for hundreds of years.
00:14:00How the fuck
00:14:01are you making
00:14:01that kind of progress?
00:14:05I can't help
00:14:06but feel like
00:14:08if slaves had baby oil
00:14:10and booty shorts,
00:14:13we might have been free
00:14:15a hundred years sooner,
00:14:16you know what I mean?
00:14:20If Martin Luther King
00:14:21was like,
00:14:21I want everybody
00:14:22to get up on them floats,
00:14:25and get your bodies
00:14:26good and shiny.
00:14:38I don't hate gay people at all.
00:14:40I respect the shit out of you.
00:14:42Well, not all of it.
00:14:44I'm not that fond
00:14:45of these newer gays.
00:14:48Too sensitive.
00:14:50Too brittle.
00:14:52Those aren't the gays
00:14:53I grew up with.
00:14:53I miss them old school
00:14:55gays, niggas.
00:14:56Them stonewall niggas.
00:14:58Them the ones
00:14:58that I respect.
00:15:02They didn't take shit
00:15:03from anybody
00:15:04that they fought
00:15:05for their freedom.
00:15:05I respect that shit.
00:15:07I'm not even gay,
00:15:08and I want to be
00:15:09like a stonewall niggas.
00:15:12Them old school
00:15:13gangster gays.
00:15:14Them glory hole niggas.
00:15:15Them the ones I like.
00:15:21These new gays
00:15:22don't even know
00:15:23what the glory hole is.
00:15:26It's a hole in the wall
00:15:28the gay contractors build.
00:15:33You want to know
00:15:34why they put that hole
00:15:35in the wall?
00:15:35I'll tell you.
00:15:36There's no nice way
00:15:36to say it.
00:15:38Because when they
00:15:39want to have some fun,
00:15:40they will put their
00:15:41penises in that hole.
00:15:45And hope for the best.
00:15:48I respect that shit.
00:15:52There's a lot of courage
00:15:53on both sides
00:15:54of that hole, nigga.
00:15:59I'm not even gay,
00:16:01and I want to try
00:16:02that glory hole out.
00:16:12What if Martin Luther King
00:16:13had to integrate
00:16:13the glory hole?
00:16:15I don't care
00:16:16if it's black lips back there
00:16:18or white lips back there.
00:16:20A mouth is a mouth.
00:16:23A warm, wet mouth.
00:16:28I'm going all the way.
00:16:32I got in a fight.
00:16:34Almost got in a fight.
00:16:35It's complicated.
00:16:36I was in a bar in Austin
00:16:37with my wife
00:16:37and it was during COVID
00:16:41and a woman came
00:16:43to our table
00:16:44and she was maskless.
00:16:46And this bitch came over,
00:16:47no mask,
00:16:48all H words.
00:16:49Hi, how are you?
00:16:54Droplets was coming
00:16:54out of this bitch's face.
00:16:56We all covered our drinks.
00:16:57Oh, man, what are you doing?
00:17:09Now, I looked over
00:17:10at the table
00:17:10that she came from
00:17:11and I peeped game.
00:17:12The men at the table
00:17:13were filming me.
00:17:15This happens
00:17:16when you're famous.
00:17:17People will come over
00:17:17and try to rattle your cage
00:17:19and get you to say
00:17:20something stupid or dumb
00:17:21so that their buddies
00:17:22can film it
00:17:23and they get a video
00:17:24of you embarrassing yourself.
00:17:25And clearly, I said,
00:17:26this is what's happening.
00:17:27And these dumb motherfuckers
00:17:28thought that it was
00:17:29my first rodeo.
00:17:42Sadly, it worked.
00:17:46I ran right over there.
00:17:48I said,
00:17:48I'm pointing right in the camera.
00:17:49I said,
00:17:49you's a bitch-ass nigga
00:17:50for doing this to me.
00:17:58And the dude
00:17:59was shocked
00:17:59that I said it.
00:18:00He said,
00:18:01and when he did like this,
00:18:02I seen all his fingernails
00:18:03was painted
00:18:04and I realized,
00:18:05like, uh-oh.
00:18:11This fella's gay.
00:18:14Now, you know how I talk.
00:18:15I call everybody
00:18:16a bitch-ass nigga.
00:18:17You know what I mean?
00:18:19But that's not
00:18:20the right thing to do
00:18:20if they're gay.
00:18:21You know what I mean?
00:18:22And now I was in trouble.
00:18:23And not only that,
00:18:25the motherfucker was huge.
00:18:26He stood up.
00:18:27He was towering over me.
00:18:28He must have been
00:18:296'5",
00:18:30a big, white,
00:18:31corn-fed,
00:18:32Texas homosexual.
00:18:33This nigga was ready to fight.
00:18:36And he started barking on me,
00:18:38but I stood my ground.
00:18:39I wasn't scared.
00:18:41How could I be scared?
00:18:42This motherfucker's shirt
00:18:43was tied up in a knot like this.
00:18:45I thought I'd fuck this guy.
00:18:46Let's go, nigga.
00:18:47Let's go.
00:18:51I thought we were gonna
00:18:52come to blows.
00:18:53I was ready.
00:18:54I was ready.
00:18:55And then,
00:18:55and then,
00:18:56right when you think
00:18:57we would fight,
00:18:58guess what he did?
00:18:59He picked up his phone
00:19:01and he called the police.
00:19:04And this,
00:19:05this thing I'm describing
00:19:07is a major issue
00:19:08that I have
00:19:09with that community.
00:19:10Gay people are minorities
00:19:13until they need
00:19:14to be white again.
00:19:21I'm being very brutally honest
00:19:23so we can solve this problem.
00:19:25I'm telling you right now,
00:19:26a black gay person
00:19:27would have never done that to me
00:19:28because a black gay person
00:19:30knows when the police shows up,
00:19:31they're not gonna care
00:19:32who called them.
00:19:33They don't show up like,
00:19:34which one of you niggers
00:19:35is Clifford?
00:19:38We're all Clifford.
00:19:44This happens far too often.
00:19:48Another time,
00:19:49about six years ago,
00:19:50there was a lesbian woman
00:19:51that tried to sell a story
00:19:53about me to TMZ.
00:19:55Thank goodness TMZ
00:19:56could see right through
00:19:57the sham of that story.
00:19:59This woman claimed
00:20:00that I beat her up
00:20:01in a nightclub
00:20:02because she was a lesbian.
00:20:04That is fucking crazy.
00:20:07Bitch,
00:20:07I didn't even know
00:20:07you was a woman.
00:20:14Thank God TMZ
00:20:16didn't believe that.
00:20:18Because I did beat
00:20:19the shit out of her.
00:20:19I'm not gonna lie.
00:20:24It was her fault.
00:20:25I had no choice.
00:20:27I came in a club
00:20:28minding my own business
00:20:29and a woman came up to me.
00:20:30She goes,
00:20:30oh my God,
00:20:31Dave Chappelle.
00:20:32And I was just being
00:20:33reciprocally nice.
00:20:34Hey, miss,
00:20:35how are you?
00:20:35Blah, blah, blah.
00:20:36Benign talk.
00:20:37Nothing to it.
00:20:38And all of a sudden,
00:20:40this lesbian fella
00:20:41stepped between us.
00:20:43Hey, nigga,
00:20:44that's my girl.
00:20:45I said,
00:20:46yo,
00:20:46yo,
00:20:46my man,
00:20:47back up like that.
00:20:49She said,
00:20:50I ain't backing up
00:20:51off shit, nigga.
00:20:52That's my girl.
00:20:53I said,
00:20:54bro,
00:20:55you gonna have to
00:20:55give me three feet
00:20:56like this.
00:20:58She said,
00:20:59stop calling me a man.
00:21:01Motherfucker.
00:21:02I'm a woman.
00:21:03I said,
00:21:04what?
00:21:10And then I looked deep
00:21:11in this nigga's cheekbones.
00:21:15I said,
00:21:15oh my God,
00:21:16you are a woman.
00:21:18It was just too much
00:21:19for me to even wrap
00:21:20my mind around.
00:21:20But I tell you what,
00:21:21I unballed my fist
00:21:22immediately
00:21:23and I'd soften
00:21:25my posture
00:21:26so that she would know
00:21:27she's in no danger.
00:21:28I even changed
00:21:29the tone of my voice.
00:21:33I said softly,
00:21:35sweetly,
00:21:36like a pimp might say.
00:21:41Bitch,
00:21:42I'm about to slap
00:21:42the shit out of you.
00:21:52I should have done it.
00:21:54Oh,
00:21:55I wish I didn't say that.
00:21:56She dropped that foot back.
00:21:57Boo!
00:21:58She was in a perfect
00:21:59Southpaw stance.
00:22:00Her shoulders were angled
00:22:01correctly.
00:22:02Her head movement
00:22:03was good.
00:22:03I said,
00:22:04oh no!
00:22:05This bitch box is for real.
00:22:09She threw a wild hook at me
00:22:11and I saw it coming
00:22:12from yesterday
00:22:12so I slipped it like this.
00:22:15Had no choice.
00:22:17I had to go to work.
00:22:20I let that jab go.
00:22:21You should have seen me go, nigga.
00:22:24I tenderized them titties
00:22:26like chicken cutlets.
00:22:32I whooped the toxic mask
00:22:34masculinity out of that bitch.
00:22:46That's why I don't go out no more.
00:22:50Just trying to chill.
00:22:52I'm just trying to live
00:22:53a peaceful life.
00:22:53That's why I live in Ohio.
00:22:55You know,
00:22:55I live in a little town in Ohio.
00:22:57Must be like 3,700 people.
00:22:59Small hippie town.
00:23:00Culturally,
00:23:01it might feel like
00:23:02like Ann Arbor to you.
00:23:06You know what I mean?
00:23:07A bunch of hippies
00:23:09and shit like that.
00:23:11And nicks always ask me like,
00:23:12Dave,
00:23:13why are you living
00:23:13in that hippie town?
00:23:14And I'd be embarrassed
00:23:15to tell them the truth.
00:23:16But you know why I live there?
00:23:17Because Yellow Springs, Ohio
00:23:20has the most beautiful women
00:23:21in the world.
00:23:23And a lot of people
00:23:23might disagree with me,
00:23:24but you gotta see them
00:23:26for yourself.
00:23:27They're gorgeous.
00:23:28But it all depends
00:23:28on what you're into.
00:23:29You know what I mean?
00:23:30I like white bitches
00:23:32with dirty feet.
00:23:40If I had a strip club
00:23:42in Yellow Springs,
00:23:42I would call that shit
00:23:43strippies.
00:23:44All naked hippies
00:23:45all the time.
00:23:46And I'd only hire girls
00:23:48with long titties
00:23:49and long vagina hair
00:23:51that looks like
00:23:52they slept on it.
00:23:57and I would keep
00:23:58a pile of dirt
00:23:58right next to the stage.
00:24:01I'd come up like,
00:24:01bitch, get your feet
00:24:02in that dirt
00:24:03and get up there
00:24:03and give those people
00:24:04what they came to see.
00:24:06Chalk up, bitch.
00:24:20A couple years ago,
00:24:21I was in Ohio
00:24:23at a shopping mall.
00:24:26An old white lady,
00:24:27this is true,
00:24:28she was following me
00:24:29around the mall,
00:24:30which sounds paranoid,
00:24:31but I'm sure
00:24:32she was following me.
00:24:34Mean lady, too.
00:24:35You ever see a woman
00:24:36with lines on her face
00:24:37that just tell you,
00:24:39like, even if she smiled,
00:24:40it looked like
00:24:40it would hurt
00:24:41the muscles in her face.
00:24:44I knew she was following me
00:24:45because she was at places
00:24:46that had nothing
00:24:47to do with her.
00:24:47I'd be looking around
00:24:47like, what is this old bitch
00:24:49doing in GameStop
00:24:50and Foot Lock
00:24:50and all the places
00:24:51I like to go?
00:24:53Every time I see her,
00:24:54she'd just be looking
00:24:54at me on me.
00:24:58And eventually,
00:24:58I forgot about her.
00:24:59So then after I'm shopping,
00:25:00I go all the way
00:25:01to the back of the parking lot
00:25:02and park all the way
00:25:03in the back.
00:25:04And as soon as I open
00:25:05my car door,
00:25:06I hear a voice go,
00:25:07David Chappelle.
00:25:09Just like that.
00:25:10I didn't even have to look.
00:25:11I knew it was her.
00:25:13And I look back
00:25:13and sure enough,
00:25:14there she was,
00:25:15that face.
00:25:17To be honest with you,
00:25:18she probably wasn't
00:25:19even that old.
00:25:21She's probably around my age.
00:25:24But she was a white woman.
00:25:25This bitch looked terrible.
00:25:33Going all the way.
00:25:36I kept my cool.
00:25:37I was nice.
00:25:38I said,
00:25:38hello, miss.
00:25:40And she didn't say anything back.
00:25:41All she said was,
00:25:43I watch your comedy.
00:25:46I said,
00:25:47uh-oh.
00:25:49And then she says,
00:25:50it's true.
00:25:50She goes,
00:25:51sounds to me
00:25:54like you
00:25:56hate
00:25:57women.
00:25:57women.
00:26:00I said,
00:26:01well,
00:26:02you know what,
00:26:02miss?
00:26:03It's art.
00:26:04And you're free
00:26:05to interpret this art
00:26:07however you'd like.
00:26:08But I can tell you
00:26:09as the maker of this art
00:26:10that I don't believe
00:26:12that I feel that way.
00:26:13And she said,
00:26:14well,
00:26:15I think.
00:26:16And I said,
00:26:17shut up,
00:26:17bitch.
00:26:18Shut the fuck up.
00:26:22before I kill you
00:26:23and put you in the trunk.
00:26:24Ain't nobody around here.
00:26:31I'm just kidding.
00:26:32I didn't say that.
00:26:34I felt that way,
00:26:35but that's not what I said.
00:26:37I was more clever than that.
00:26:39You know what I said?
00:26:40And this is exactly what I said.
00:26:41I said,
00:26:41miss,
00:26:42before you finish that statement,
00:26:43let me ask you a question.
00:26:44Where'd you see me?
00:26:46Did you buy a ticket
00:26:47to a concert I did?
00:26:48I doubt that.
00:26:50Or,
00:26:51or,
00:26:51maybe you watched
00:26:52one of my specials
00:26:53on Netflix.
00:26:55Or,
00:26:56or,
00:26:57did I follow you
00:26:58to your car
00:26:59and do my act?
00:27:02She said,
00:27:02what?
00:27:03I said,
00:27:04keep it in the comment section.
00:27:05Bitch,
00:27:05this is real life.
00:27:06Ta-ta.
00:27:07Ta-ta.
00:27:07Ta-ta.
00:27:10Ta-ta.
00:27:11Ta-ta.
00:27:12Ta-ta.
00:27:12Ta-ta.
00:27:14Ta-ta.
00:27:15And then I drove off.
00:27:18Now,
00:27:18I got to tell you,
00:27:19and this is going to surprise
00:27:20some people here,
00:27:21but not everybody.
00:27:23People say things to me
00:27:24all the time,
00:27:25but what you don't know
00:27:26is it does affect me.
00:27:27I think about it.
00:27:29And that one bothered me a lot.
00:27:30I was driving home,
00:27:32couldn't stop thinking
00:27:33about what this woman said
00:27:34because she's not the first woman
00:27:35that said that to me.
00:27:37It's puzzling.
00:27:39You know what I mean?
00:27:40Like,
00:27:40what could I possibly be saying
00:27:44that would make these bitches
00:27:45think I hate women?
00:27:51Couldn't figure it out.
00:27:54So you know what I did?
00:27:56I Googled the dictionary definition
00:27:59of a feminist
00:27:59just to make sure
00:28:01I was talking about
00:28:02the right thing.
00:28:03And do you know, sir,
00:28:05what the dictionary definition
00:28:07of a feminist is?
00:28:09I didn't either.
00:28:10Listen to this.
00:28:13Webster's defines a feminist
00:28:16as a human being,
00:28:18not a woman,
00:28:19a human being
00:28:22that believes in equal rights
00:28:24for women.
00:28:25I'm shocked that that's
00:28:27what that meant
00:28:27because by that definition,
00:28:30I would consider myself
00:28:31a feminist.
00:28:32And I didn't even know
00:28:33that at the time.
00:28:40All these years,
00:28:42I thought it meant
00:28:43frumpy dyke.
00:28:50Well, that's who's always talking
00:28:51to be some
00:28:53chicken overalls.
00:28:54Men are trying to rape us.
00:28:56Ah, not you, bitch.
00:28:57We please.
00:29:07I know, look, listen,
00:29:09listen, I support
00:29:10the feminist movement.
00:29:11I do, in my own ways.
00:29:14When you guys did
00:29:15the women's march,
00:29:16I tried to go
00:29:16and support you.
00:29:18And none of my friends
00:29:19would go with me.
00:29:20I asked all the fellas,
00:29:21none of them wanted to go.
00:29:22I tried everything.
00:29:23Come on, y'all.
00:29:24There's gonna be bitches there.
00:29:25They was like, nope.
00:29:29So what I did is
00:29:30I called my friend Ange.
00:29:31Ange is a black woman
00:29:32who's a comedy writer
00:29:34and she's dope.
00:29:35Matter of fact,
00:29:36matter of fact,
00:29:37she's the only woman
00:29:38that I know personally
00:29:39that pays her ex-husband
00:29:41alimony.
00:29:43And she sounds
00:29:44just like a man
00:29:45when she does it.
00:29:45Fuck that broke motherfucker
00:29:47and all that.
00:29:47She says all that shit.
00:29:52So I hit Ange up
00:29:53and I hit her on the text
00:29:54and all I did,
00:29:55I texted her.
00:29:55I said, Ange,
00:29:56are you going
00:29:57to the women's march?
00:29:58And she texted me back
00:30:00and this is a real text.
00:30:01She said,
00:30:03she said,
00:30:04I hope those white bitches
00:30:05get tear gassed.
00:30:17There's a problem.
00:30:18And that feminist movement
00:30:19isn't there.
00:30:21From its inception
00:30:22in America,
00:30:23there's always been
00:30:24a racial component.
00:30:26When Susan B. Anthony
00:30:27was having that meeting
00:30:28and Sojourner Truth's
00:30:29black ass showed up.
00:30:32Read your history books.
00:30:34All them white women
00:30:35asked Sojourner Truth
00:30:36not to speak.
00:30:37They didn't want to conflate
00:30:38the issues of women's rights
00:30:40and slavery.
00:30:42But you know how
00:30:43black bitches are.
00:30:43Sojourner Truth
00:30:44went up there anyway.
00:30:53She did a famous speech.
00:30:55She said,
00:30:55Ain't I a woman?
00:30:57Ain't I a woman?
00:30:59That's right.
00:31:00And listen,
00:31:01listen,
00:31:01listen.
00:31:02I supported
00:31:03the Me Too movement
00:31:04but the whole time,
00:31:07the whole time,
00:31:07I thought that
00:31:08the way they handled that
00:31:09was stupid.
00:31:15It was.
00:31:16It was white.
00:31:16It was like
00:31:21they were doing shit
00:31:22like going to the
00:31:23Golden Globes
00:31:23and all of them
00:31:24would be like
00:31:25let's all go to
00:31:26the Golden Globes
00:31:26and wear black dresses
00:31:28to give these men
00:31:29a piece of our minds.
00:31:30Bitch,
00:31:30that is not going to work.
00:31:33You think Martin Luther King
00:31:34is going to be like
00:31:34I want everybody
00:31:35to keep riding the bus
00:31:36but wear matching outfits.
00:31:41You got to get off
00:31:42the bus and walk.
00:31:45It's real talk.
00:31:47Real talk.
00:31:47That was a silly movement.
00:31:49I want everybody
00:31:50to wear a crocheted
00:31:51pussy hat
00:31:51so they know
00:31:52we're serious.
00:31:55What the fuck
00:31:56was y'all doing?
00:31:59And then I said
00:32:00something about it
00:32:01in one of my specials
00:32:02and all these
00:32:02women actresses
00:32:03came after me.
00:32:04I said,
00:32:04man,
00:32:05fuck y'all too.
00:32:05You canceled.
00:32:06I ain't jerking off
00:32:07to none of your pictures again.
00:32:13They were like,
00:32:14who is he
00:32:14to tell us anything?
00:32:16I'll tell you
00:32:17exactly who I am.
00:32:20I'm the one
00:32:21that got off the bus
00:32:22and left $50 million
00:32:24on the bus
00:32:25and walked.
00:32:34I agreed with these women.
00:32:36I just didn't agree
00:32:38with what
00:32:39they were
00:32:40doing about.
00:32:44right.
00:32:45Right.
00:32:46No,
00:32:46it was annoying as fuck.
00:32:49Because if these women
00:32:50were serious,
00:32:51you know what
00:32:51they would have done?
00:32:52They all would have
00:32:53fired their agents.
00:32:54And they would have
00:32:55went to the mailroom
00:32:56of one of these big agencies
00:32:57and found a woman
00:32:58that was busting her hump
00:32:59in there and said,
00:33:00if you want to talk to us,
00:33:02then you have to talk to her.
00:33:03And if they did that,
00:33:06and she would be big,
00:33:07and they would be big,
00:33:08and nobody would get fed
00:33:09to Harvey Weinstein.
00:33:11But did they do that?
00:33:13No.
00:33:15Was that their idea?
00:33:16No.
00:33:18Surprisingly,
00:33:18it was mine.
00:33:22And what I think
00:33:23the feminist movement
00:33:24needs to be very successful
00:33:27is a male leader.
00:33:33I'll do it.
00:33:35I will.
00:33:36I will lead you women
00:33:37to the promised land.
00:33:39I will make sure
00:33:40you get equal pay,
00:33:41equal work.
00:33:42I will make sure
00:33:43that nobody harasses you,
00:33:44or fucks with you
00:33:44on the job.
00:33:45I will protect
00:33:46all of your interests.
00:33:47And all that I ask for
00:33:49in return
00:33:51is that you suck my dick.
00:33:56And now we're right back
00:33:57to square one,
00:33:58aren't we?
00:34:11And now we get
00:34:12to the core of the crisis.
00:34:15What?
00:34:16What is a woman?
00:34:18What is that
00:34:19in this day and time?
00:34:20Is there even such thing
00:34:22as a woman,
00:34:22or a man,
00:34:23or anything?
00:34:24Hmm.
00:34:25Hmm.
00:34:26Seems to be
00:34:27a question nowadays.
00:34:29Now listen,
00:34:30women get mad at me.
00:34:32Gay people get mad at me.
00:34:33Lesbians get mad at me.
00:34:34But I'm going to tell you
00:34:34right now,
00:34:35and it's true.
00:34:36These transgenders,
00:34:39these niggas want me dead.
00:34:44I've gone too far.
00:34:45I've said too much.
00:34:49And I've got to tell you,
00:34:49I'm very worried about it.
00:34:51I'm not even joking.
00:34:52Every time I come out
00:34:53on stage,
00:34:53I be scared.
00:34:55I'll be looking around
00:34:56the crowd,
00:34:57searching
00:34:59for Knuckles
00:34:59and Adam's apples
00:35:00to see where the threats
00:35:01might be coming from.
00:35:06A nigga came up to me
00:35:09on the street
00:35:09the other day.
00:35:10He said,
00:35:10careful, Dave.
00:35:11They after you.
00:35:12I said, what?
00:35:16One they
00:35:17they or many theys.
00:35:28They or many theys.
00:35:31Before I even say anything
00:35:33about that community,
00:35:34you must know,
00:35:34and I hope you all
00:35:35feel the same way,
00:35:36I am not indifferent
00:35:38to the suffering
00:35:40of someone else.
00:35:42there's laws,
00:35:43the mean laws.
00:35:44In our country,
00:35:44North Carolina passed
00:35:45a law once
00:35:46that said a person
00:35:47in North Carolina
00:35:48must use the restroom
00:35:49that corresponds
00:35:50with the gender
00:35:51they were assigned
00:35:52on their birth certificate.
00:35:56No, no, no, no.
00:35:58No, that's not a good law.
00:36:00That's a mean law.
00:36:02No American
00:36:04should have to present
00:36:05a birth certificate
00:36:06to take a shit
00:36:07at Walmart
00:36:08in Greensboro,
00:36:09North Carolina
00:36:10where the baby
00:36:10shot and killed
00:36:11a motherfucker.
00:36:17You have to ask yourself
00:36:19if you're thinking about it,
00:36:20who are these laws
00:36:21designed to protect?
00:36:23Like, let's say
00:36:24they designed this law
00:36:25to protect me,
00:36:26my interests,
00:36:27transphobic comedian
00:36:29Dave Chappelle.
00:36:33And let's say
00:36:34that I'm in Walmart
00:36:36doing a little shopping
00:36:37with my family.
00:36:38Now, I should tell you
00:36:40if that ever happens
00:36:41in real life,
00:36:42you should know
00:36:44that my dreams
00:36:45didn't work out.
00:36:50But let's say
00:36:50something goes horribly wrong
00:36:52and there I am
00:36:52in Walmart
00:36:54with the poor whites
00:36:55rummaging around
00:36:56for mediocre goods
00:36:57and services.
00:37:03And then I gotta go
00:37:04to the restroom.
00:37:06So I excuse myself
00:37:07from my family,
00:37:08I go to the men's room.
00:37:09Now I'm standing
00:37:10at the urinal
00:37:10taking a leak
00:37:12and this is what
00:37:13this law is gonna do.
00:37:15And suddenly,
00:37:16a woman
00:37:18walks into the men's room.
00:37:19I'm gonna be like,
00:37:20that's strange.
00:37:23And then she stands
00:37:25shoulder to shoulder
00:37:26with me at the urinal.
00:37:27I'm gonna be like,
00:37:27ugh, bitch,
00:37:28what's going on with you?
00:37:30And then she hikes
00:37:31her skirt up
00:37:33and pulls a real-life
00:37:36meaty dick out.
00:37:40And what do you think
00:37:41I'm gonna say?
00:37:46Thank God
00:37:46she's in here with me.
00:37:50At least now
00:37:50I know my family's safe.
00:37:55No, I'm not gonna
00:37:56feel that way at all.
00:37:57I'm gonna feel
00:37:58very uncomfortable.
00:37:59I would feel better
00:38:00if it was a man
00:38:01with a vagina
00:38:05backed up
00:38:06to the urinal
00:38:06next to me.
00:38:13I wouldn't even
00:38:13think about that.
00:38:14I'd just be like,
00:38:14hmm, that's funny.
00:38:18This guy is peeing
00:38:19out of his butt
00:38:20for some reason.
00:38:24Oh my God,
00:38:24he must be a veteran.
00:38:26Thank you for your service.
00:38:36I'm not indifferent
00:38:36to people suffering
00:38:37because I know
00:38:38it's hard to be
00:38:39everybody.
00:38:40We blacks,
00:38:41we just got our
00:38:41first big holiday
00:38:42in a long time.
00:38:43Happy belated
00:38:44Juneteenth
00:38:45to the blacks.
00:38:53Juneteenth is a strange
00:38:54holiday, isn't it?
00:38:56It commemorates
00:38:57when black people
00:38:58in Texarkana area
00:39:00of the country
00:39:00first found out
00:39:02they were free.
00:39:02But remember,
00:39:03they were free
00:39:04when they found out.
00:39:06They just didn't know it yet.
00:39:11very, very interesting
00:39:12holiday.
00:39:13You know, I learned
00:39:13something.
00:39:15This is a wild story.
00:39:18I learned this past
00:39:19Juneteenth of a story
00:39:20that's true.
00:39:21And there was a black man
00:39:22who was in South Carolina
00:39:23during slavery
00:39:24who somehow got granted
00:39:27his freedom
00:39:27by his so-called master.
00:39:30And when his master
00:39:31granted him the freedom,
00:39:33he also gave him
00:39:34a plot of land.
00:39:34Now, it turns out
00:39:35this brother was brilliant.
00:39:36He had a good eye,
00:39:38a good knack
00:39:38for farming.
00:39:39And he farmed
00:39:40this plot of land
00:39:41very successfully
00:39:42and made a lot of money.
00:39:44And this is where
00:39:44the story gets crazy.
00:39:46When he got all that money,
00:39:51this nigga bought
00:39:52some slaves.
00:39:55You ever heard this before?
00:39:56This is a true story.
00:39:57Not only was he
00:39:58a slave owner,
00:39:59he became a slave breeder
00:40:00and employed tactics
00:40:02that were so cruel,
00:40:03even white slave owners
00:40:04were like,
00:40:05yo, my man.
00:40:08He was a wild dude.
00:40:09But he did it
00:40:10just because that's
00:40:11what successful people
00:40:12did at the time.
00:40:13And he just wanted
00:40:14to be down.
00:40:15What a fucking tragedy.
00:40:16How can a person
00:40:18that went through slavery
00:40:20perpetrate the same evil
00:40:21on a person
00:40:22that looks just like him?
00:40:23It's mind-blowing.
00:40:25And, shockingly,
00:40:26they're making
00:40:27a movie about him.
00:40:30Ironically,
00:40:32it's called
00:40:33Space Juice.
00:40:40Space Juice.
00:40:49The point of that story
00:40:51is this person
00:40:52was invested
00:40:53in a construct.
00:40:53that that was
00:40:54the construct
00:40:55of successful people
00:40:56and he just followed
00:40:57the road map
00:40:58of successful people.
00:40:59He followed
00:41:00what they call
00:41:01an incentive.
00:41:02Now,
00:41:03everyone struggles,
00:41:06but I'm very invested
00:41:09in the gender construct,
00:41:11personally,
00:41:12because I'm a man
00:41:13with kids
00:41:14and a wife
00:41:15and I like that warm,
00:41:17wet, soft pussy
00:41:19that my wife has.
00:41:24This does not mean
00:41:25that I feel like
00:41:27another point of view
00:41:30can't exist.
00:41:33I was doing a nightclub
00:41:34in Oakland
00:41:3416 years ago
00:41:35and this is the first time
00:41:37that the trans community
00:41:38ever got mad at me
00:41:39that I knew about
00:41:39and I was nobody.
00:41:41I'd just quit
00:41:41Chappelle's show.
00:41:42It was like a nothing
00:41:42hole-in-the-wall club
00:41:43and I was doing
00:41:45some transgender jokes
00:41:46in Oakland.
00:41:46It was 16 years ago.
00:41:48My pronoun gang
00:41:49was not as nice
00:41:49as it is today.
00:41:52I went too far.
00:41:53I said things like
00:41:53tranny and shit.
00:41:54I didn't know
00:41:54these words were bad
00:41:55and a woman stood up
00:41:56and just gave me
00:41:57the business.
00:41:58Started screaming at me
00:41:59and I'm sure it was a woman
00:42:00but she kept calling me
00:42:03transphobic
00:42:03and all this shit.
00:42:04I'd never even heard
00:42:04these words before.
00:42:05It was really weird.
00:42:07I didn't trip.
00:42:08I just gave security
00:42:09to look like,
00:42:09you know,
00:42:09get that bitch out of here.
00:42:14I kept it moving
00:42:16and then she went
00:42:17to the press
00:42:18and the next day
00:42:18one of the gay papers
00:42:19wrote all of the same
00:42:21things she had said
00:42:22to me about me
00:42:23in the paper.
00:42:23Misquoted the jokes
00:42:25and was calling me
00:42:25transphobic
00:42:26and again,
00:42:26all these words.
00:42:27I'd never heard them before
00:42:28but every time
00:42:29that I talk with
00:42:30anybody from that
00:42:31community since,
00:42:32they always repeat
00:42:33the talking points
00:42:34from that article.
00:42:35My least favorite
00:42:36of which being,
00:42:36and I hate this phrase,
00:42:38they say,
00:42:39I was punching down
00:42:41on them.
00:42:43Punching down.
00:42:44What the fuck
00:42:45does that mean?
00:42:47Now fast forward.
00:42:50It's 2019.
00:42:53I'm in a restaurant
00:42:54in Ohio.
00:42:55Very nice restaurant.
00:42:57It's Thanksgiving week.
00:42:59And to be honest,
00:43:00it's not a very nice restaurant
00:43:02but it's a nice restaurant
00:43:04if you're a white person
00:43:06from Ohio
00:43:06that's never been
00:43:07anywhere before.
00:43:10Picture Chili's.
00:43:16I'm sitting in the bar,
00:43:18I'm having a drink
00:43:18by myself
00:43:19and the only other person
00:43:20in the bar
00:43:20is a woman
00:43:21a couple stools down
00:43:22and she was alone
00:43:23and she was older
00:43:24and that made me feel sad
00:43:25because it was the holidays.
00:43:27So I told the bartender,
00:43:28send that woman
00:43:29a drink on me.
00:43:30She's trying to spread
00:43:31the cheer
00:43:31and I wish I didn't.
00:43:35This woman wanted to talk.
00:43:37She wasn't mean,
00:43:38she was nice
00:43:38but she just wanted
00:43:39to talk about shit
00:43:40that, you know what I mean,
00:43:41no nigga just trying
00:43:41to get drunk
00:43:42don't want to hear
00:43:42about this bitch
00:43:43remodeling her bathroom
00:43:44and I'm sitting there
00:43:45trying to be polite.
00:43:46Oh, subway towels, word.
00:43:52But then she hits a lick
00:43:55piqued my interest.
00:43:57She says,
00:43:58my daughter is coming home
00:43:59for the holidays.
00:44:00Oh, that's great news.
00:44:01I'm glad she's not
00:44:01going to be alone.
00:44:03And then she goes on
00:44:04and on about
00:44:04how great her daughter is.
00:44:06I guess her daughter
00:44:07got a new agent
00:44:08and she's out in Hollywood.
00:44:09She's in movies
00:44:10and on television
00:44:11and all this stuff
00:44:12and as she's telling me
00:44:13this, I'm thinking
00:44:14this woman is so sweet.
00:44:15She probably doesn't
00:44:16even know who I am
00:44:18or what I do for a living
00:44:21because I know
00:44:24what your daughter's
00:44:25out in Hollywood doing.
00:44:31And then she goes,
00:44:32would you like to see
00:44:32her picture?
00:44:33Oh, now I don't want
00:44:34to see this woman's picture
00:44:35but what am I going to do?
00:44:36I go, okay, yeah, sure.
00:44:37I'd love to.
00:44:37I'd love to see the picture.
00:44:38And I grab the picture
00:44:39and this is all I say.
00:44:40This is all I say.
00:44:42Oh, she's very beautiful.
00:44:47And as she puts
00:44:48the picture away,
00:44:48she looks mean
00:44:50all of a sudden.
00:44:50Like, she caught me
00:44:51in some kind of trap.
00:44:53What's that face mean?
00:44:54And then she goes,
00:44:56she's transgender.
00:44:59And I think to myself,
00:45:01oh, this bitch
00:45:02does know who I am.
00:45:11I really resented
00:45:12that trap
00:45:12because that trap
00:45:13doesn't let me be honest.
00:45:15If I was honest,
00:45:15I wouldn't fall for it.
00:45:16I just looked at the picture
00:45:17like, ooh,
00:45:18look at that big
00:45:19chisel jawline
00:45:20and that big
00:45:20thick Joe Rogan neck.
00:45:22Is that a dude?
00:45:24Is your daughter a man?
00:45:28Can't say that shit.
00:45:32It's really annoying.
00:45:33It's a man.
00:45:37Fast forward.
00:45:38Now it's a couple days later.
00:45:40It's the Wednesday
00:45:43for the Thursday
00:45:45that's Thanksgiving
00:45:45and I'm in a totally
00:45:47different bar.
00:45:47And this bar,
00:45:49trust me,
00:45:50it's not a nice place.
00:45:52It's foul.
00:45:53It's one of those bars
00:45:54where the top shelf
00:45:55should be under the sink.
00:45:59This is where
00:46:00the poor whites drink.
00:46:01The Tiki Church whites.
00:46:04You know what I mean?
00:46:04Them white people,
00:46:05they believe in Q
00:46:06and they love Trump.
00:46:07You know what I mean?
00:46:08Like Michigan white people.
00:46:20I remember I was at
00:46:20this bar one time.
00:46:21This is what kind of bar it is.
00:46:23I was in there one time
00:46:23and I was fucked up
00:46:24and I turn around
00:46:25and everybody in the bar
00:46:26and I go,
00:46:26hey everybody,
00:46:27I'm going to buy everyone
00:46:28in the bar a round of drinks.
00:46:29And all the motherfuckers
00:46:30are like, hoorah!
00:46:31And the bartender
00:46:32knew I was drunk
00:46:33so she pulled me aside.
00:46:34Ms. Chappelle,
00:46:35are you sure about that?
00:46:38That's going to be
00:46:39$16.
00:46:46Tough time for the whites.
00:46:51And this was
00:46:51a holiday weekend.
00:46:52You know what I mean?
00:46:53These motherfuckers
00:46:54was having a rootin'
00:46:55tootin' time.
00:46:55They was in their party
00:46:56and making all them noises.
00:46:57Woo!
00:46:59Ow!
00:46:59Yow!
00:47:00You know all them noises
00:47:01white people make
00:47:02before lynching?
00:47:03They was doing all that shit.
00:47:09I was drunk.
00:47:11I looked over my shoulder.
00:47:12I thought I was trippin'.
00:47:14I guess who was in the bar.
00:47:16I thought I was seein' things.
00:47:17I looked across the room
00:47:19and I saw
00:47:22the trans bitch
00:47:23from the picture.
00:47:26I couldn't believe it.
00:47:28I said,
00:47:28what is a trans person
00:47:30doin' in a place like this?
00:47:31This is very dangerous behavior.
00:47:34And she was with
00:47:35two big,
00:47:37buff,
00:47:37gay,
00:47:38black dudes.
00:47:40I didn't know
00:47:40these dudes
00:47:41but I know
00:47:41they was gay.
00:47:44They had a dick
00:47:44in their mouth.
00:47:45They wouldn't look
00:47:45any gayer
00:47:46than they did
00:47:46just sittin' there.
00:47:49They had
00:47:501980s gay face.
00:47:51You know what that is?
00:47:52Remember in the 80s
00:47:52when gay people
00:47:53looked surprised
00:47:53all the time?
00:48:01Close your mouth,
00:48:02nigga.
00:48:02What's surprising?
00:48:03You know what I mean?
00:48:05But they was huge.
00:48:06They looked like
00:48:06Juicy Samoye's trainers.
00:48:11And I'm thinkin',
00:48:12man,
00:48:12these motherfuckers
00:48:13in a line of trouble.
00:48:14So what I do
00:48:15is I stand up
00:48:15and everybody
00:48:16in the bar likes me
00:48:17so I make a big show
00:48:18of it to make sure
00:48:19that everyone can hear me.
00:48:20I walk right up to her
00:48:21and I go,
00:48:22hey!
00:48:23I just met your mother
00:48:25the other night
00:48:25and she told me
00:48:26all the great things
00:48:27you're doin' in Hollywood
00:48:28and I cannot believe
00:48:29that someone
00:48:30from a podunk place
00:48:31like this
00:48:31can achieve all that.
00:48:33I'm so proud of you.
00:48:34Welcome home.
00:48:35And the whole bar
00:48:36said,
00:48:36hoorah!
00:48:39And I said,
00:48:40shh.
00:48:42That oughta buy her
00:48:43some time.
00:48:45You know what I mean?
00:48:46A couple more drinks
00:48:48and these fellas
00:48:48are gonna start
00:48:50asking her
00:48:50for some pussy
00:48:51she might not have.
00:48:59And she was very gracious.
00:49:01She said,
00:49:02thank you so much.
00:49:03And we shook hands
00:49:04and as she was
00:49:04shaking my hand
00:49:05her face turned mean
00:49:06like her mom's.
00:49:09And she said,
00:49:10do you mind
00:49:10not punching down
00:49:12on my people?
00:49:14Ooh,
00:49:15I don't like that.
00:49:16Normally I would've
00:49:17let it go
00:49:17but I was drunk.
00:49:20I said,
00:49:21what might you mean,
00:49:22bitch?
00:49:25I was careful
00:49:26to call her a bitch
00:49:27because I didn't want
00:49:27to blow her cover.
00:49:32Turns out
00:49:32she wasn't hiding.
00:49:34She was loud.
00:49:35She was proud.
00:49:36She let me have it
00:49:37in front of everybody.
00:49:38Screaming at me.
00:49:39All the talking points
00:49:40from that article.
00:49:41You transphobic
00:49:41this and that.
00:49:42Kept clapping
00:49:43her hands in my face.
00:49:44Let me tell you something.
00:49:45I said,
00:49:46where you learned this from?
00:49:46Black bitches kept telling me.
00:49:47Let me tell you
00:49:48something happening.
00:49:51So annoying.
00:49:55She kept calling
00:49:56transgenders
00:49:57her people.
00:49:58Isn't that weird?
00:49:58My people this.
00:50:00My people that.
00:50:01I said,
00:50:01what do you mean
00:50:02your people?
00:50:03Was y'all kidnapped
00:50:04and Transylvanian
00:50:05brought here as slaves?
00:50:12She said,
00:50:13my people have struggled
00:50:13for decades, honey.
00:50:15Decades!
00:50:16And I looked at them
00:50:17gay black dudes like,
00:50:19is there anything
00:50:20you niggas need
00:50:21to tell this bitch?
00:50:23Clifford.
00:50:24Clifford.
00:50:31I'm exaggerating.
00:50:32She's actually
00:50:33a very nice person
00:50:33and I'm cool with her now,
00:50:35but boy,
00:50:36that shit got on my nerves.
00:50:38And it got on my nerves
00:50:39because whenever
00:50:40someone says that to me,
00:50:41I know they've never
00:50:42seen me for themselves.
00:50:43They just repeat
00:50:44what they've heard.
00:50:46Any of you
00:50:47who have ever watched me
00:50:49know
00:50:49that I have never
00:50:51had a problem
00:50:53with transgender people.
00:50:55If you listen
00:50:56to what I'm saying,
00:50:57clearly,
00:50:58my problem
00:50:59has always been
00:51:00with white people.
00:51:09I have been arguing
00:51:10with the whites
00:51:11my entire career.
00:51:13And just when I thought
00:51:14I had you guys
00:51:15on the ropes,
00:51:15you changed all the rules.
00:51:17Oh, yeah?
00:51:17Yeah, motherfucker!
00:51:19Well,
00:51:22I'm a girl now,
00:51:23nigger,
00:51:23and you must treat me
00:51:23as such.
00:51:28Call me a girl,
00:51:29nigger.
00:51:33It's annoying as fuck.
00:51:36No, no.
00:51:38Go back.
00:51:39Go back tonight
00:51:40after the show.
00:51:40Watch every special
00:51:41I did on Netflix.
00:51:42Listen to everything
00:51:43I ever said
00:51:44about that community.
00:51:45I'll go through them.
00:51:46I said,
00:51:46how much do I have
00:51:47to participate
00:51:47in your self-image?
00:51:49I said,
00:51:49you shouldn't discuss
00:51:50this in front of black people.
00:51:51I said,
00:51:51I know niggers
00:51:52in Brooklyn
00:51:52that wear high heels
00:51:53just to feel safe.
00:51:54I asked you,
00:51:55why is it easier
00:51:56for Bruce Jenner
00:51:57to change his gender
00:51:58than it is
00:51:59for Cassius Clay
00:52:00to change his name?
00:52:06If you listen
00:52:07to what I'm saying,
00:52:08I'm not even
00:52:09talking about them,
00:52:11I'm talking about us.
00:52:12And they
00:52:14don't
00:52:14listen.
00:52:18It's very annoying.
00:52:21And they've canceled
00:52:22people that are
00:52:23more powerful
00:52:24than me.
00:52:26They canceled
00:52:26J.K. Rowling.
00:52:27My God,
00:52:28J.K. Rowling
00:52:29wrote all the
00:52:30Harry Potter books
00:52:30by herself.
00:52:33She sold
00:52:34so many books,
00:52:34the Bible
00:52:35worries about her.
00:52:39And they canceled
00:52:40it because she said
00:52:41in an interview,
00:52:41and this is not
00:52:42exactly what she said,
00:52:43but effectually,
00:52:43she said,
00:52:45gender was a fact.
00:52:47And then the
00:52:48trans community
00:52:49got mad as shit.
00:52:50They started calling
00:52:50her a TERF.
00:52:51I didn't even know
00:52:52what the fuck
00:52:52that was.
00:52:54But I know
00:52:55that trans people
00:52:56make up words
00:52:57to win arguments.
00:53:02So I looked it up.
00:53:05TERF is an acronym.
00:53:07Stands for
00:53:07Trans Exclusionary
00:53:08Radical Feminist.
00:53:10This is a real thing.
00:53:10This is a group
00:53:11of women
00:53:13that hate transgender.
00:53:14They don't hate
00:53:15transgender women,
00:53:15but they look
00:53:16at trans women
00:53:17the way we blacks
00:53:18might look at blackface.
00:53:19It offends them.
00:53:20Like, ooh,
00:53:20this bitch is doing
00:53:21an impression of me.
00:53:28Now, I shouldn't
00:53:29speak on this
00:53:31because I am not
00:53:31a woman,
00:53:33nor am I a trans.
00:53:35But as we've established,
00:53:38I am a feminist.
00:53:41That's right.
00:53:48I'm Team Turf.
00:53:50I agree.
00:53:52I agree, man.
00:53:54Gender is a fact.
00:53:57You have to look at it
00:53:58from a woman's perspective.
00:53:59Look at it like this.
00:54:01Caitlyn Jenner,
00:54:02whom I've met,
00:54:03wonderful person,
00:54:04Caitlyn Jenner
00:54:05was voted
00:54:07woman of the year.
00:54:10her first year
00:54:12as a woman.
00:54:13Ain't that something?
00:54:14Beat every bitch
00:54:15in Detroit.
00:54:16She's better
00:54:16than all of you.
00:54:19Never even had a period.
00:54:20Ain't that something?
00:54:23Oh, I'd be mad
00:54:24as shit if I was a woman.
00:54:25I'd be mad
00:54:25if I was me.
00:54:26If I was in a BET
00:54:27award sitting there
00:54:28and they're like,
00:54:28and the winner
00:54:29for nigger of the year,
00:54:33Eminem,
00:54:33my man.
00:54:42Gender is a fact.
00:54:44This is a fact.
00:54:44Every human being
00:54:45in this room,
00:54:46every human being
00:54:47on Earth
00:54:47had to pass
00:54:48through the legs
00:54:49of a woman
00:54:50to be on Earth.
00:54:51That is a fact.
00:54:57Now,
00:55:00I am not saying
00:55:01that to say
00:55:02that trans women
00:55:04aren't women.
00:55:06I am just saying
00:55:08that those pussies
00:55:09that they got,
00:55:13you know what I mean?
00:55:22I'm not saying
00:55:23it's not pussy,
00:55:24but that's like
00:55:25beyond pussy
00:55:26or impossible pussy.
00:55:27You know what I mean?
00:55:29It tastes like pussy,
00:55:30but that's not quite
00:55:31what it is, is it?
00:55:32It's not blood,
00:55:33that's beet juice.
00:55:43Oh, buddy,
00:55:44I'm in trouble now.
00:55:54Before I go,
00:55:54I want to share
00:55:55this story with you
00:55:55because it's important
00:55:56to this point.
00:56:00I want your community
00:56:01to know that one
00:56:02of the coolest people
00:56:02I ever met
00:56:04was a transgender woman.
00:56:05And this is not
00:56:06a man that I knew
00:56:08that became a woman.
00:56:09This woman was trans
00:56:11when I met her.
00:56:12Lived in San Francisco.
00:56:13Daphne Dorman
00:56:14is the name.
00:56:16I would do 18 shows
00:56:17in the Bay Area,
00:56:19sometimes in Oakland,
00:56:20in the Dirty Hood
00:56:21nightclub,
00:56:22and she would be there,
00:56:23a white trans woman,
00:56:24laughing loud and hard
00:56:25at everything I said,
00:56:28especially the trans jokes.
00:56:29It's very puzzling
00:56:32because she was
00:56:33obviously trans.
00:56:36And one night
00:56:36after one of the shows,
00:56:37I met her.
00:56:39And what it was,
00:56:41turns out,
00:56:43it was her dream
00:56:44to be a comedian,
00:56:45and I was her hero.
00:56:47It was very moving.
00:56:48I could not dislike somebody
00:56:50that felt that way
00:56:52about me.
00:56:52We became fast friends.
00:56:55And when I made
00:56:56that special
00:56:56Sticks and Stones,
00:56:57right as it was coming out,
00:56:59I happened to be
00:56:59in San Francisco
00:57:00and I wanted to do a show,
00:57:01but I needed an opening act.
00:57:03And I remembered
00:57:05that trans woman
00:57:06I had met.
00:57:07So I called her
00:57:07on the phone.
00:57:09And I called her myself.
00:57:11I said,
00:57:11hey, Daphne,
00:57:11this is Dave Chappelle.
00:57:12She couldn't believe it.
00:57:14And I go,
00:57:14I'm in San Francisco.
00:57:15And then she started
00:57:16saying a bunch of wild stuff.
00:57:18I was like,
00:57:18relax now.
00:57:19I don't want any pussy.
00:57:20I was, um...
00:57:26I was calling
00:57:27because I'm doing a show
00:57:28and I need an opening act.
00:57:30And I was wondering
00:57:31if you'd open the show.
00:57:32And she was like,
00:57:34fuck yeah.
00:57:34Now,
00:57:35I didn't know this
00:57:37at the time,
00:57:38but this woman
00:57:39had only done stand-up comedy
00:57:40eight times in her life.
00:57:42This is little to no experience.
00:57:44And now she's about to open
00:57:46a show
00:57:46for what many call
00:57:48the goat.
00:58:02She's an amateur
00:58:03in stature,
00:58:05but in practice
00:58:06she was very professional.
00:58:08She showed up early,
00:58:09which is something
00:58:09I appreciate
00:58:10because I like people
00:58:11to be on time.
00:58:12She was dressed
00:58:13to the motherfucking nines.
00:58:15I mean,
00:58:15I'm transphobic
00:58:16and even I was like,
00:58:17you look nice.
00:58:23Went up on the stage
00:58:24with all the swag
00:58:25of a professional comedian,
00:58:27grabbed that mic
00:58:27and walked right down
00:58:28the middle
00:58:29and looked at the crowd
00:58:30like a gangster.
00:58:31Man,
00:58:31you should have seen her work.
00:58:33This bitch bombed
00:58:34for 45 minutes straight.
00:58:38And I am not exaggerating,
00:58:40young man,
00:58:40that show was terrible.
00:58:43Stunk.
00:58:47Stunk.
00:58:48And then she brings me on
00:58:49and, you know,
00:58:50I was like a glass of water
00:58:51after a handful of salt.
00:58:52The crowd was happy
00:58:53to see me.
00:58:54I was killing it.
00:58:57But here's what impressed me.
00:59:00Any other comedian
00:59:01I've ever seen,
00:59:02if they had bombed
00:59:03as bad as she did,
00:59:04would have snuck
00:59:05out of the back
00:59:05of the theater
00:59:06and went home
00:59:07and cried or something.
00:59:08She didn't do that.
00:59:09Not only did she not leave,
00:59:11she found a seat
00:59:12right up in front.
00:59:13You know,
00:59:14when a new comedian
00:59:15watches an experienced
00:59:16comedian in comedy,
00:59:17we call this taking class.
00:59:19And this bitch
00:59:19took my whole class.
00:59:20She sat up there
00:59:21and was laughing
00:59:22as hard as she always laughs
00:59:24as if nothing bad
00:59:25had even happened to her.
00:59:27And I saw her show.
00:59:29Something bad happened to her.
00:59:35She was drunk.
00:59:37So she starts talking
00:59:39to me while I'm on stage.
00:59:40But the way a person
00:59:41would talk to a television
00:59:42when they were alone,
00:59:43she's talking to me like that.
00:59:44That didn't bother me
00:59:45because I knew her.
00:59:46But the crowd
00:59:46didn't like that shit at all
00:59:47because she sucked.
00:59:51And a guy in the back
00:59:52of the room stood up
00:59:53and Daphne's hair
00:59:54was dyed blonde
00:59:55at the time
00:59:56and the guy screamed out
00:59:57and his energy
00:59:58felt wild as fuck.
00:59:59He said,
00:59:59Hey, Daphne!
01:00:00And everybody kind of clamped,
01:00:01like got tense.
01:00:02We didn't know
01:00:03if it was a heckler
01:00:03or an active shooter.
01:00:04And he said,
01:00:09he said,
01:00:10Does the carpet
01:00:12match the drapes?
01:00:15Yeah, it was fucked up.
01:00:16The whole crowd
01:00:17kind of groaned
01:00:18because it was so,
01:00:19like, mean.
01:00:21Everybody groaned
01:00:22except for Daphne.
01:00:23She kind of laughed,
01:00:25which was weird.
01:00:26And then she didn't even
01:00:27look all the way back.
01:00:28She said,
01:00:28Sir, I don't have carpets.
01:00:30I have hardwood floors.
01:00:32Just like that.
01:00:34Just like that.
01:00:39And boy,
01:00:40when she said that shit,
01:00:41it blew the roof off the place.
01:00:44Cut through all the tension
01:00:45with that one joke
01:00:47she made up for 45 minutes
01:00:49of a stinker of a show.
01:00:53And after that,
01:00:54she could do no wrong.
01:00:55And I kept on rocking.
01:00:56She kept on talking to me.
01:00:58And then the show
01:01:00became something cooler
01:01:01than a show.
01:01:02She became like a conversation
01:01:04between a black man
01:01:05and a white trans woman
01:01:06and we started getting
01:01:07to the bottom and shit.
01:01:08All them questions
01:01:09that you think about
01:01:10that you'd be afraid to ask,
01:01:11I was just asking them
01:01:12and she was answering them
01:01:14and her answers
01:01:14were funny as shit.
01:01:15The crowd was falling
01:01:16out of the chairs.
01:01:17And at the end of the show,
01:01:19I go,
01:01:19oh, Daphne?
01:01:20I said,
01:01:20well, that was fun.
01:01:21I go,
01:01:21I love you to death,
01:01:22but I have no fucking idea
01:01:23of what you're talking about.
01:01:25The whole crowd laughed
01:01:27except for Daphne.
01:01:29Now she looks at me
01:01:30like I'm not her friend anymore.
01:01:32Like I'm something bigger than me.
01:01:33Like I'm the whole world
01:01:34and the guy.
01:01:35And she said,
01:01:36I don't need you
01:01:37to understand me.
01:01:39I said, what?
01:01:40She said,
01:01:40I just need you to believe
01:01:42just like this.
01:01:43She goes,
01:01:44that I'm having
01:01:44a human experience.
01:01:47And when she said it,
01:01:49the whole crowd
01:01:50kind of gasped.
01:01:52And I gave her
01:01:53the fight club look.
01:01:56I said,
01:01:57I believe you, bitch.
01:02:01Because she didn't say
01:02:02anything about pronouns.
01:02:03She didn't say anything
01:02:04about me being in trouble.
01:02:06She said,
01:02:07just believe I'm a person
01:02:08and I'm going through it.
01:02:09You know,
01:02:10I believe you
01:02:11because it takes one
01:02:12to know one.
01:02:25Then I told the crowd
01:02:26good night
01:02:27and they start going crazy.
01:02:28And before the applause
01:02:29gets to its crescendo,
01:02:31I say,
01:02:31and don't forget
01:02:32my opening act,
01:02:32Daphne.
01:02:34And the crowd stood up
01:02:36and I looked at her
01:02:37and tears came out
01:02:38of her eyes.
01:02:38She couldn't believe
01:02:39it was happening.
01:02:40I couldn't believe
01:02:41it was happening
01:02:42because her show stunk.
01:02:47And it was a great night.
01:02:48I remember the late,
01:02:49great Paul Mooney
01:02:50was there,
01:02:50a bunch of fly-ass
01:02:51comedy niggas was there.
01:02:57And we all went backstage
01:02:58and was just drinking
01:02:59and talking shit
01:03:00and laughing
01:03:00and Daphne stole the room.
01:03:02She had everyone cracking up,
01:03:03spinning the yarn,
01:03:04telling us all these
01:03:05crazy stories
01:03:06about shit she be into.
01:03:07We all laughing real hard
01:03:09and then she's telling us
01:03:10and everyone's laughing.
01:03:10I'm looking around,
01:03:11I'm like,
01:03:11oh my God,
01:03:12she is funny.
01:03:14I pulled her aside
01:03:15and I said,
01:03:15you're hilarious.
01:03:16I didn't know that
01:03:16when you were on stage.
01:03:21I said,
01:03:21you're doing some things wrong
01:03:22but I can help you.
01:03:23I said,
01:03:23anytime I'm in San Francisco,
01:03:25why don't you open
01:03:25the show for me
01:03:26and I'll just try
01:03:27to give you some pointers
01:03:28and see if you can't
01:03:28work this thing out.
01:03:29And she said,
01:03:30are you serious?
01:03:31I said,
01:03:32yeah.
01:03:32And she grabbed me real tight,
01:03:36hug me,
01:03:36squeeze me
01:03:37and I pushed her off violently
01:03:40because I'm transphobic.
01:03:41I said,
01:03:42boundaries, bitch.
01:03:52When Sticks and Stones came out,
01:03:55a lot of people
01:03:56in the trans community
01:03:57were furious with me
01:03:58and apparently
01:03:59they dragged me on Twitter.
01:04:00I don't give a fuck
01:04:01because Twitter's not a real place.
01:04:13And the hardest thing
01:04:14for a person to do
01:04:15is go against their tribe
01:04:17if they disagree
01:04:18with their tribe
01:04:19but Daphne did that for me.
01:04:22She wrote a tweet
01:04:23that was very beautiful
01:04:24and what she said was,
01:04:25it was almost exactly
01:04:26what she said.
01:04:27She said,
01:04:28punching down on someone
01:04:29requires you to think
01:04:31less of them
01:04:31and I know him.
01:04:33and he doesn't.
01:04:34He doesn't punch up.
01:04:36He doesn't punch down.
01:04:37He punches lines
01:04:39and he's a master
01:04:40at his craft.
01:04:41That's what she said.
01:04:50Beautiful tweet.
01:04:51Beautiful friend.
01:04:52It took a lot of heart
01:04:53to defend me like that.
01:04:55And when she did that,
01:04:57the trans community
01:04:58dragged that bitch
01:05:00all over Twitter.
01:05:03For days,
01:05:04they was going in on her
01:05:05and she was on her own
01:05:06because she's funny.
01:05:07But six days
01:05:08after that wonderful night
01:05:10I described to you,
01:05:11my friend Daphne
01:05:12killed herself.
01:05:16Oh yeah.
01:05:17It's a true story.
01:05:18My heart was broken.
01:05:20Yeah,
01:05:21it wasn't the jokes.
01:05:22I don't know
01:05:23if it was them dragging her.
01:05:24I don't know
01:05:24what was going on
01:05:25in her life
01:05:25but I bet dragging her
01:05:26didn't help.
01:05:28I was very angry at them.
01:05:29I was very angry at her.
01:05:31I felt like Daphne
01:05:32lied to me.
01:05:33She always says
01:05:33she identified as a woman
01:05:35and then one day
01:05:36she goes up to the roof
01:05:37of a building
01:05:37and jumps off
01:05:38and kills herself.
01:05:41Clearly,
01:05:42only a man
01:05:43would do some
01:05:44gangsta shit like that.
01:05:48Hear me out.
01:05:50As hard as it is
01:05:51to hear a joke like that,
01:05:53I'm telling you right now,
01:05:54Daphne would have
01:05:55loved that joke.
01:05:56That's why
01:05:57she was my friend.
01:06:09I was reading
01:06:10her obituary
01:06:12and I found out
01:06:13she was survived
01:06:14by a daughter
01:06:17and the moment
01:06:18I found that out
01:06:19and this is true,
01:06:21Anderson Cooper
01:06:21from CNN
01:06:23texted me
01:06:24and all he said
01:06:25was very nice.
01:06:26He said,
01:06:26I'm sorry to hear
01:06:27about your friend
01:06:28and I texted him
01:06:29right back,
01:06:30new phone,
01:06:31who this?
01:06:36He said,
01:06:36it's Anderson Cooper.
01:06:37I said,
01:06:37oh,
01:06:38I said,
01:06:38Anderson,
01:06:38I go,
01:06:39look,
01:06:39I need to find
01:06:39her family
01:06:40and he texted me
01:06:41right back
01:06:42with all the phone numbers
01:06:43and all this information.
01:06:45I say this and say,
01:06:45if you ever want to know
01:06:46about anything gay,
01:06:47call Anderson Cooper
01:06:48from CNN.
01:06:50This nigga is
01:06:51faster than Google.
01:06:57And what I did
01:06:58is I got in touch
01:06:59with her family
01:06:59and I started
01:07:00a trust fund
01:07:01for her daughter
01:07:02because I know
01:07:03that's all
01:07:03she ever really cared about.
01:07:14And I don't know
01:07:15what the trans community
01:07:16did for her,
01:07:17but I don't care
01:07:17because I feel like
01:07:18she wasn't their tribe.
01:07:20She was mine.
01:07:21She was a comedian
01:07:22and her soul.
01:07:28Her daughter
01:07:29is very young,
01:07:30but I hope to be alive
01:07:32when she turns 21
01:07:33because I'm going
01:07:34to give her
01:07:35this money myself.
01:07:36And by then,
01:07:38by then,
01:07:39I'll be ready
01:07:40to have the conversation
01:07:41that I'm not
01:07:42ready to have today.
01:07:43But I'll tell
01:07:44that little girl,
01:07:45young lady,
01:07:47I knew your father.
01:07:51And he was
01:07:52a wonderful woman.
01:08:05Empathy
01:08:06is not gay.
01:08:09Empathy is not black.
01:08:12Empathy is bisexual.
01:08:15It must go both ways.
01:08:18It must go both ways.
01:08:23Remember,
01:08:24taking a man's livelihood
01:08:26is akin to killing him.
01:08:29I'm begging you,
01:08:31please do not abort the baby.
01:08:43Kevin Hart
01:08:46dreamt his entire life
01:08:48of hosting the Oscars.
01:08:50and when he finally
01:08:51got the job,
01:08:52they just took it.
01:08:54It's not fair.
01:08:56They didn't kill him.
01:08:58Kevin's a strong guy.
01:08:59But I'm sure
01:09:00it broke
01:09:01old Clifford's heart.
01:09:06It's over.
01:09:08L-B-G-T-Q,
01:09:09L-M-N-O-P-Q-I-Z,
01:09:11it is over.
01:09:12I am not telling
01:09:14another joke about you
01:09:15until we are both sure
01:09:16that we are laughing together.
01:09:20I'm telling you,
01:09:21it's done.
01:09:21I'm done talking about it.
01:09:23All I ask from your community,
01:09:26with all humility,
01:09:27will you please
01:09:30stop
01:09:31punching down
01:09:32on my people?
01:09:33Thank you very much
01:09:35and good night.
01:09:43First,
01:09:44I was 55,
01:09:47just thinking I could never live
01:09:49without you by my side.
01:09:51But then I spent so many nights
01:09:53thinking how you did me wrong
01:09:55and I grew strong
01:09:56and I learned
01:09:58how to get along
01:09:59and so you're back
01:10:00from outer space.
01:10:03I just walked in
01:10:04to find you here
01:10:05with that sad look
01:10:06upon your face.
01:10:07I should have changed
01:10:08that stupid lock.
01:10:09I should have made you
01:10:10leave your key.
01:10:12If I'd have known
01:10:12for just one second
01:10:14you'd be back
01:10:15to bother me.
01:10:16Oh, now go.
01:10:17Walk out the door.
01:10:20Just turn around now.
01:10:21Cause you're not
01:10:22welcome anymore.
01:10:25Weren't you the one
01:10:26who tried to hurt me
01:10:27with goodbye?
01:10:28Just think I'd crumble.
01:10:30Just think I'd lay down
01:10:31and die.
01:10:32Oh, no, not I.
01:10:34I will survive.
01:10:36Oh, as long as I know
01:10:38how to love,
01:10:39I know I feel like
01:10:40I've got all my life to live.
01:10:42I've got all my love to give.
01:10:44I'll survive.
01:10:46I will survive.
01:10:48Hey, hey.
01:11:05It took all the strength I had
01:11:07not to fall apart
01:11:09They're trying hard to mend
01:11:10the pieces of my broken heart
01:11:12And I've been oh so many nights
01:11:15just feeling sorry for myself
01:11:17I used to cry
01:11:18But now I hold my head up high
01:11:21And you see me
01:11:23Somebody knew
01:11:25I'm not that chained up
01:11:27little nurse
01:11:27who's still in love with you
01:11:29And so you felt like
01:11:31dropping in
01:11:31And just expect me to be free
01:11:33Now I'm saving all my loving
01:11:36for someone who's loving me
01:11:38Go on now go
01:11:39Walk out the door
01:11:41Just turn around now
01:11:43Cause you're not welcome anymore
01:11:47Weren't you the one
01:11:48who tried to break me
01:11:49with the vibe
01:11:50Just think I'd crumble
01:11:51Just think I'd lay down
01:11:53and die
01:11:54Oh, no, not I
01:11:58This is protected
01:12:00by the red, the black, and the green
01:12:04at the crossroad
01:12:06with the key
01:12:07you
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