Ralphie May returns with another installment of his hilarious insights and observations filmed at The Tennessee Theatre in Knoxville, TN.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup #jokes #funny #ralphiemay #ralphiemaycomedy #ralphiemaystandupcomedy #ralphiemaystandup
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup #jokes #funny #ralphiemay #ralphiemaycomedy #ralphiemaystandupcomedy #ralphiemaystandup
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00:00:21Ladies and gentlemen, Ralphie Mae.
00:00:37Thank you everybody, thank you so much, y'all calm down, calm down, I feel it's nice, thank
00:00:49you so much, I mean, I don't know if you're clapping for me or, look, the fatty made it
00:00:53all the way to the stage, stop.
00:00:59Thank you, little sister, I appreciate it, all right, it's good to be here, man, good
00:01:05to be back in the south, yeah, nice, one of my favorite places in the whole country, it's
00:01:15awesome, I love it the most because I really love mullets and I've seen a ton of them since
00:01:23I've been here, it's only been a couple of days and I've seen about 64 mullets, that's
00:01:28a lot, okay, that's a whole lot, way more than your average, I, uh, it's not fair though,
00:01:35I hunt them, I set up a deer standing down in front of Waffle House and wait for them
00:01:38to come in, I will, I'll sit up there all day long and just call them, mulla, mulla, mulla,
00:01:45mulla, mulla, mulla, mulla, mulla.
00:01:48NASCAR, NASCAR, NASCAR, NASCAR, if you work with them, they'll come and take the tobacco
00:01:57right out of your hand, I swear to God they will, they will, they like that, you gotta
00:02:01work with them though, they're awesome, I've seen some rare mullets since I've been here,
00:02:08um, and it's not just white people with mullets neither, and, uh, it's kinda fun, I saw a black
00:02:13guy with an afro mullet, I guess it would be, uh, no cherry curl, so I didn't have that
00:02:18one on him, it was awesome, I saw, uh, a bullet, that's a, uh, bald mullet, that's a, I, uh,
00:02:28uh, I saw an Asian with a mullet, or as they call it, a murret, and, uh, the rarest of
00:02:42all,
00:02:43the femullet, the female mullet, oh yeah, I've seen a couple of them here, that's the
00:02:48unicorn of mullets, you don't see those very often, let me tell you, unless you're buying
00:02:53a crank, that's right, that's a mullet in the house, I, uh, I was coming back the other
00:03:02day, we were driving around, and, uh, I was talking to my wife, she was driving, you know,
00:03:07because I don't know my place sometimes, and, uh, and, uh, I was talking to her, and we were
00:03:14stopped at a light, right, and about an 86 burgundy Camaro with a black door pulled up beside
00:03:19us, and before she could tell me, mullet, okay, all right, my mullet spider sense was
00:03:28heightened, I was like, and this one was awesome, oh my god, it was a throwback, it was a classic,
00:03:39he had the, uh, the real tall spiky hair, and the sides were shaved real close with a
00:03:43NASCAR 8 cut into the side, a little tip of the hat to junior, and then the back was
00:03:48that real long, tight perm, remember that tight perm, remember that, from the 80s, that real,
00:03:53it looked wet, but it was dry, tight-ass perm, you know what I'm talking about, looked like
00:03:58Puerto Rican pubic hair, you know what I'm saying, right, it was awesome, and, uh, and I was
00:04:05mesmerized, I couldn't stop looking, I'm like, oh, you ever get caught looking at somebody
00:04:16in traffic, you know what I'm talking about, so you did the look away, like, no, I wasn't
00:04:20really looking at you, it happened to me, I was like, ah, he caught me on the look back,
00:04:31I'm like, son of a bitch, he got me, he was like, what, I'm like, oh, here we go, he's
00:04:38going to get out with a tire iron and beat my car out of crap, and it's a rental, and
00:04:42I don't have mullet coverage, I'm screwed, there's only six bucks more a day, I should
00:04:47have got it, right, so, folks, I did the only thing I thought I could do, I rolled the winner
00:04:54down, looked right at him, he was like, whoo, the light changed the green, he slammed on his
00:05:01gas, and after a couple seconds, his car took off, and he went about 200 yards up to the
00:05:08next red light, welcome to rednecks, and, uh, exactly, and about a second and a half later,
00:05:24we pulled in right beside him, and, and I had to keep on looking, okay, I did, I know
00:05:30you're going, Ralphie, why are you looking at the mullet you just saw 200 yards ago, well,
00:05:35now you have to take in the whole mullet picture, folks, you can't just leave it there, I mean,
00:05:39it's a beautiful mullet, I could not just not look at it, I had to look at it, I mean,
00:05:44if I hadn't looked twice, folks, I wouldn't have noticed the one T-top, I would have known
00:05:51it was 1987, the year he graduated from high school by the tassel hanging from his rearview
00:05:56mirror, oh, yeah, baby, I had to keep on looking, there could have been a kid in there with a
00:06:03rat tail, damn it, when was the last time you seen one of them, right, it's been a while,
00:06:08hadn't it, so that's something I love, um, I don't mean to go negative, but here's something
00:06:20I hate, um, it's an epidemic, um, it's sweeping the nation, and I feel it my duty to point it
00:06:28out, so hopefully we can stop this tide before it overwhelms us, um, I hate dudes who wear
00:06:34flip-flops, I'm sick and tired of it, enough, I think if you're a grown-ass man wearing flip-flops,
00:06:44I think you're a damn half a homo, yeah, you heard me, I said it, what, yep, you're wearing
00:06:52flipping women's shoes, why don't you put on some jellies, bitch, why don't you wear them,
00:07:01you abracombian bitch, what the hell is going on here, enough, gentlemen, do you know why
00:07:08women get to wear open-toed shoes and you do not, it's because they take care of their
00:07:12feet, okay, you nasty rat bastards, half of you guys in here, your toenails are all yellow
00:07:18and thick, look like dip-sized Fritos, ugh, ugh, ugh, all calloused up on the sides, look
00:07:31like you're wearing turkey jerky socks, ugh, trying to eat over here, damn it, ugh, plus you're
00:07:41worthless as a man when you're wearing flip-flops, worthless, what are you going to do, leave here
00:07:45tonight, go to a good bar, what are you going to do when some drunk comes up and grabs your
00:07:48woman by the hooch, oh yeah girls, that happens, because I've done it, what are you going to
00:07:57do, protect your woman's honor and a pair of damn flip-flops, get away from her, let's
00:08:02go outside, flip-flop, flip-flop, flip-flop, flip-flop, flip-flop, flip-flop, I'm serious,
00:08:12I mean it, you're worthless, what are you going to do, you're walking down the street tonight,
00:08:17you see a house of fire, a little baby girl up in the top screaming, help, help, I'm sorry
00:08:24little girl, I can't help you, I'm wearing flip-flops, stop driving, roll, little girl, stop driving,
00:08:39roll, stop driving, roll, I ain't throwing a little can't wear them, where are the black
00:08:47guys at, where are y'all at, make some noise, smile, I can't see you, where are you at black
00:08:51guys, oh now y'all mad in the back ain't you, screw you fat man, find me now, I bet
00:09:05if I
00:09:06was a hot dog you'd find my ass wouldn't you, I like hot dogs, I ain't mad at you, I'm
00:09:11just
00:09:12trying to make a point, brothers can't wear flip-flops, can you homies, no, because your
00:09:15feet get too ashy, right, look how you've been throwing side kicks with volcanoes all day,
00:09:18right, and you put enough cocoa butter on there to counteract all the asheness, your
00:09:23feet get too damn slippery, slip off your flip-flops, like ain't this a bitch, I done
00:09:26flipped out of my damn flip-flops, mother, I'm the same way, I'm a fat man, there's fat
00:09:35guys in here, you know who you are, fatties, we can't wear them neither can we, we build
00:09:39up too much torque, we'll rip our big toe right the hell off, oh you kind of a bitch, people
00:09:47ask me all the time, hey Ralphie, aren't you nervous that some guy wearing flip-flops
00:09:50gonna get mad at you, no, we covered that, they're half the homos, I said that last fall,
00:09:59a guy took off a flip-flop and threw it at me, and I'm like bro, you're proving my point,
00:10:05right, that's a bitch move, what the hell are you doing, right, only a woman will do it,
00:10:11I don't know if you used to head, ooh, what the hell is that, and he missed, how the hell
00:10:30do you miss me, not like a, oh, flip-flop, whoa, I got angry after I did a show called
00:10:42Celebrity Fit Club, maybe some of y'all saw it, good show, and I had to work out, yeah,
00:10:51I've lost a lot of weight, I've lost like 270 pounds the last two years, don't clap, if you didn't
00:10:56clap, you were right, don't clap, it's not a real accomplishment, you lose a whole fat
00:11:00man and you're still fat as hell, you know, like yay, I'm in 5X, alright, great, but I'm
00:11:09doing my part, I'm trying, I'm working for it, you know, it's not easy, but during the
00:11:15show I got a trainer, I had to get one, I got a girl trainer, not that I'm sexist, I
00:11:20just didn't want to get teabagged on the bench press, and you can understand that one, fellas,
00:11:25you're over there pressing weights and one of the twins hits you in the head, you don't
00:11:28want that on your resume, right, brother? I'm like, oh, oh, oh, breathe in, dude, breathe in, oh, oh, oh,
00:11:38oh.
00:11:47We had a problem, my trainer and I had a problem, and the problem was she didn't cut the warm
00:11:52-up
00:11:52as part of the workout. I'm like, if I'm in the gym and I'm sweating, I'm working out, okay, I'm
00:12:02fat
00:12:02and that's the fat code. Warm-up was me getting here. She said she wanted me to start working
00:12:14out on the treadmill. She goes, I want you to start on the treadmill, and I already didn't
00:12:19like it. If y'all don't know this, if you're a little fat, you know what I'm talking about.
00:12:22There's three enemies of fat people, and I know a lot of y'all think salads is one of them.
00:12:29No, we like salads. They're delicious. They are. They're yummy. Right?
00:12:39But our three of the ones that we hate are treadmills, for obvious reasons, okay, booths
00:12:47in restaurants where the table doesn't move. Hey, thank you for sitting me in this non-movable
00:12:53booth. I really, hey, can you give me a big knife and I can just gut myself open so I
00:12:57can
00:12:57slide in here, please? I appreciate that. Thank you. After when I'm done, I'll lean back
00:13:02and y'all can count the rings and see how old I am. How about that? That'd be fun, wouldn't
00:13:05it? What the flimmy do? Let's go! And wicker. Wicker's our third worst enemy. Yeah, without
00:13:16a doubt. If you have wicker, you're just saying, I hate fat people. That's why I have no qualms
00:13:23about saying this. If you own wicker, I don't like you. That's right. Screw you and the peer
00:13:28one you bought it at. How about that, bitch? Yeah. What am I supposed to say? Ooh, thanks
00:13:33for the wicker. Thanks for making my ass look like a honey-baked ham. I really appreciate
00:13:36that. Before it shatters and sends splinters in my ass. I didn't really thank you. Thank
00:13:41you so much. So she wanted me to walk on the treadmill, okay? All right. I got to be honest
00:13:51with you. The first two miles, I had a pretty good clip going, right? But the next two miles,
00:13:56I built up a friction on my thighs. You can light a cigarette on. I ain't gonna lie to
00:14:00you, y'all. Had sparks coming off my crotch. It wasn't right. I was a fire hazard. Don't
00:14:07walk through the woods like that, fatty. Uh-uh. Burn us down. I tried to counteract it like
00:14:16a lot of fat folks do. I put a lot of powder down there. I had so much powder down
00:14:19on my
00:14:20crotch look like I've been molesting donuts. It wasn't right. I did. Anyway, between mile
00:14:29three and four, I started sweating all my pancake, you know, all my, uh, powder turned to pancake
00:14:35batter. Let's make a little silver dollar flapjacks right there on the damn treadmill.
00:14:40Who wants them? Come on, get you one. Blackjacks. Mmm, good. I was working out. I was sore
00:14:52all the time. That's where I got the habit of keeping my hands in my pockets. I, uh, my
00:14:57friends would ask me, dude, why are your hands in your pockets? Because my arms hurt. I was sore
00:15:04all the time. And they're like, uh-uh. Really? Watch this. Ow. I was going crazy. They had
00:15:13me on a diet. I was losing my mind. 1,200 calories a day. Yeah. Folks, I used to do
00:15:19that in a
00:15:20bike. It was driving me nuts. I was watching the damn food channel like it was porn. I'm
00:15:33going crazy. There's a little girl on there named Rachel Ray. You ever seen her? Oh, yeah. Oh. She's a
00:15:48dirty, naughty little girl. Oh. She's naughty and dirty. And I like it. She was making something
00:15:57called a triple-layer chocolate trinity cake. Yeah. Yeah, it sounds that good because
00:16:03it is. Yeah. What it was was three cakes, okay? The bottom was dark chocolate she made
00:16:08with sour cream, so she said it was extra moist. And I'm like, I bet it is. All right,
00:16:12all right. And then, I told you she's naughty. And then the middle one was milk chocolate cake.
00:16:22Big whoop. Seen that one a hundred times. And then the last one, the top one was white
00:16:27chocolate. I didn't even know they made white chocolate cake. I'm a fat man. I should've
00:16:31got like an email or something, you know? You know, would you like to know what's new
00:16:37and cake? Ooh, double click. Scroll, scroll, scroll. Why chocolate? I had no idea. Oh. That's
00:16:56going to be good. I will click there for more details. Then she had this big-ass batch of ice
00:17:07ice. Okay? I'm four months on a diet and working out six days a week for three hours. I'm seeing
00:17:13this big old pile of ice and I'm like, I don't know whether to eat it or rub it on
00:17:18my nipples. Oh,
00:17:19my God. It looks so good. I love ice. I ain't going to lie to you. I think it's one
00:17:25of the most
00:17:26underrated things we've ever invented. It's edible glue. How amazing is that? Icing is so good, it makes
00:17:33nasty carrot cake delicious. Okay? And I hate carrot cake. One of my few, if I could
00:17:38like, you know, you got three wishes, I want to go back in time, find the guy who invented
00:17:41carrot cake and punch him in his face. You don't put carrots in cake, you son of a
00:17:47bitch. What the hell is going on? You don't make high fiber cake, it's cake, you rat bastard. What
00:17:57the hell are you doing? What is this, the Isle of Dr. Moreau? This is ungodly. What do you
00:18:06mean the ice is so good? I should try it anyway. All right, cut me a piece. Don't be a
00:18:17little whiny
00:18:18butt about it. Come on, cut it. What's that, cream cheese? That's delicious. That's good. It was fudge
00:18:25icing though, y'all. Fudge. She put fudge on it. Fudge. Like what your grandmama used to make. You
00:18:32remember that? Back in the day for Christmas and stuff, like she didn't give you a real gift. She
00:18:36couldn't even remember your name. She had Alzheimer's and Parkinson's, but she could
00:18:39still mess up some fudge, couldn't she? You're like, damn, that's some good-ass fudge. It
00:18:45wasn't even squares. It was all trapezoial because her hands are shaky. Like, whew, that's
00:18:53some good-ass fudge. Uh-uh, grandma ain't going to the home next week not making fudge like
00:18:59this. I don't care if she don't know who I am. I don't care. This is some good-ass fudge.
00:19:06Hell, she
00:19:06don't know no different. I don't care how much she smells like pee. We're keeping her here until
00:19:09October, okay? Making fudge like this. Tell her it's Christmas. Keep the decorations up and the air
00:19:15conditioning on. I don't care. This is some good-ass fudge. So she had fudge on it. Fudge. And that
00:19:26layer of
00:19:26caramel, y'all. Oh. Yeah. What she did, she melted out some of them good-ass Brock's Carmel's y'all
00:19:36eat at the
00:19:36grocery store for free. I know I do. I throw the wrapper right in the middle of the aisle, too.
00:19:44I don't give a damn.
00:19:46They wanted to. They could Hansel and Gretel me. They could follow that trail of wrappers right around.
00:19:54But she got this cake all assembled, y'all. And I am literally sweating at this cake. I'm like...
00:20:14I'm gonna rape that cake. Come here, you dirty cake. You ain't never had it like that. Oh. Oh. Oh,
00:20:23that must be that
00:20:24caramel layer. Oh, God. Oh, jeez. What's that? Your dirty friend cheesecake? A three-way. You freaky bitch. I ain't
00:20:33never done it. Come here.
00:20:51I guess that's having your cake and eating it, too, ain't it?
00:20:59Now, just for the record, I don't advocate that you rape cakes. Or any dessert. Okay? I don't want people
00:21:08to send me emails.
00:21:15You made someone rape my cake. No, ma'am, I didn't. I'm just saying I wanted to. It was good.
00:21:27Losing the weight.
00:21:28I had a good time. I did it because, you know, I got a great wife. And I married way
00:21:34above my level.
00:21:37And when you marry above your level as a man, it's good that you know that. And by the way,
00:21:42I'm not the only one. I'm looking around here.
00:21:45There's a lot of dudes who are lucky to be with. There's a lot of dudes in here who married
00:21:52way above their level.
00:21:57That's right, girls. I am married. Sorry. Pack up your vaginas and go home. Sorry, ladies.
00:22:03Another sweet crank feud, baby. I won't do it. My wife makes fat jokes when my friends get mad at
00:22:12me.
00:22:12They're like, dude, you should talk to her, dude. When she makes crack about your man boobs, you know, your
00:22:18movies, you know, dude.
00:22:23That's just disrespectful, dude. I'm like, bro, I don't care. I have sex with her. It's cool.
00:22:37Isn't that right? That's what I think about it. Yeah, it's great.
00:22:47It's awesome. My friends don't get it, though. They're like, dude, you're so whipped.
00:22:54I'm like, yeah. Because you can either be whipped or you can be hand-whipped. Do you understand?
00:23:07I let things go, man. I let things go.
00:23:09So, you know, before we were married, my father gave me some advice.
00:23:16My father, he didn't make it to see the wedding. The cancer took him.
00:23:21But he gave me a piece of advice that served me well.
00:23:24And my sister's here with her fiancé.
00:23:27And I feel like I'm bound to share with every man out there who's in a relationship or about to
00:23:33get married.
00:23:34And I think it'll serve you well, too.
00:23:36As a man in a relationship, you have a simple choice.
00:23:40You can either be right or you can be happy.
00:23:51Right?
00:23:54You can't be both. Don't even try.
00:23:58Look at these old-timers over here. They'll tell you.
00:24:00And they're like, mmm.
00:24:04I don't care what she says. Don't argue with them. She's right.
00:24:08You don't care. You don't care. You don't care.
00:24:13You simply don't care.
00:24:17She can tell you some stupid, you know, just stupid stuff, okay?
00:24:22I don't care.
00:24:25She can tell you that there's three planets in the solar system and the sun revolves around the Earth.
00:24:30And they go, really?
00:24:34I had no idea.
00:24:37What'd you say there on Discovery Channel? I heard about that, yeah.
00:24:43You don't care.
00:24:46Don't correct her.
00:24:48Don't you correct her.
00:24:53You correct her. You'll see how much you really didn't care.
00:24:59You'll lose out on a lot of stuff, okay?
00:25:02Like our favorite thing, okay?
00:25:03Because happy is a good place to be on.
00:25:05It's a nice train.
00:25:06It leads to oral land, okay?
00:25:09Right?
00:25:11There's no oral on that right train where you had to be right.
00:25:14Ask your woman when you're not here.
00:25:16Ask her later on.
00:25:17Ask her if she'll suck it and be wrong at the same time.
00:25:20Uh-uh.
00:25:22That's never happening, is it, girls?
00:25:25No.
00:25:26Not for one second.
00:25:29Never gonna happen.
00:25:36Don't correct her.
00:25:38You wanna know what you did?
00:25:39You'll do something, you know, little bitty.
00:25:41Like, you know, she'll be talking to her friend.
00:25:43Oh, especially when she's in front of a friend, okay?
00:25:45Oh.
00:25:47Little bitty correction, okay?
00:25:49You know, we're going to this show.
00:25:50We're gonna leave at around six.
00:25:52And you can just go up there and go,
00:25:53Actually, maybe we're leaving at 5.30.
00:25:55Oh, thank you.
00:26:00You don't know what you just did, do you, fellas?
00:26:03All you young guys do not understand what just happened.
00:26:06Because you're gonna be,
00:26:08Oh!
00:26:09Later on that night, you're gonna be like,
00:26:11Hey, hey!
00:26:11How about a little...
00:26:18You want me to do what?
00:26:21What a little...
00:26:26You want me, the dumb bitch, to do that, huh?
00:26:30Remember me earlier today when I was the dumb bitch
00:26:32And you had to cramp me in front of my friend?
00:26:33You stupid ass.
00:26:34I hate you.
00:26:35Suck it yourself.
00:26:36How about that?
00:26:41You don't even know what happened.
00:26:42You're like, what?
00:26:45Because you had to be right.
00:26:47You don't have to be right.
00:26:51So, be happy.
00:26:53Not right.
00:26:54And get TiVo.
00:26:57TiVo will save your relationship.
00:27:00It will.
00:27:02Follows, you ever have this happen to you?
00:27:04You're watching your favorite show?
00:27:06For me, it's SportsCenter.
00:27:07Ba-na-na, da-na-na.
00:27:11Happy, right?
00:27:12You're not making a sound in the world.
00:27:14Just happy.
00:27:20And somehow, that noise pisses women off to no end.
00:27:23Doesn't it?
00:27:24Doesn't it, girls?
00:27:25That noise, da-na-na.
00:27:26What the hell is that son of a bitch doing?
00:27:30Just sitting there on the damn couch.
00:27:33Watching SportsCenter.
00:27:35Wasting his damn time.
00:27:36We could be talking about my mother.
00:27:40I'm gonna put a stop to this crap.
00:27:43Right?
00:27:43Fellas, you don't even know hurricane's coming.
00:27:45You're just sitting there.
00:27:52Then that's when they give us a non-time-dependent chore
00:27:55that we have to go perform.
00:27:56There's no necessity for this chore.
00:27:58There's no urgency.
00:28:01But we gotta go do it.
00:28:04And she sounds real sweet.
00:28:05They always sound sweet when they first tell us about the chore.
00:28:11Sugar or honey in front of it.
00:28:14Baby, can you take out the trash?
00:28:18Now, girls, you need to know, right now,
00:28:21we heard everything...
00:28:22Two things, okay?
00:28:24Number one, we heard everything you just said.
00:28:27Baby, can you take out the trash?
00:28:28We heard that.
00:28:31Two, we're not gonna acknowledge you.
00:28:36We're gonna act like we did not hear it.
00:28:39But that's not our fault.
00:28:40That's instinctual.
00:28:41That goes back when we were cavemen
00:28:42and hunter and gatherers in the woods
00:28:44and a predator came by.
00:28:45We would have gotten eaten if we'd have made a move
00:28:47or acknowledged them.
00:28:48No, we just...
00:28:52This is science.
00:28:59We don't acknowledge you, okay?
00:29:02So, we don't acknowledge you, okay?
00:29:02So now, yeah, exactly.
00:29:03Women are like,
00:29:04Look at that son of a bitch.
00:29:05Didn't even hear what I said.
00:29:07He never listens to me.
00:29:09That...
00:29:09I'm gonna rip his ass off.
00:29:15And that's when you raise it up a level, okay?
00:29:19Uh, can you take out the trash?
00:29:22Now, on the second time you request us to do
00:29:24the non-time-dependent chore,
00:29:26all you get is this.
00:29:30That's the look, okay?
00:29:32It's like we're trying to hold the runner in third,
00:29:34right, fellas, okay?
00:29:35What the look is, is...
00:29:37We're telling you,
00:29:38Hey, I heard everything you said.
00:29:39I'll do it as soon as there's a commercial break,
00:29:41or as soon as my show's over.
00:29:43No problem.
00:29:44That's what it means to us.
00:29:46But you girls take the look as,
00:29:48He just told me to shut up, bitch.
00:29:51We didn't.
00:29:52We totally didn't.
00:29:54We totally didn't.
00:29:58That's what you take it as.
00:29:59So you get...
00:30:01Oh, God, a tantrum.
00:30:03You're at this, fellas.
00:30:04Isn't this amazing?
00:30:05How a 120-pound woman
00:30:08can stand in the middle of a 65-inch TV
00:30:10and block it from complete view
00:30:13with the most amazing timing
00:30:15to stop you from seeing the play of the day.
00:30:18Isn't that amazing?
00:30:19How they can just stand in front of them,
00:30:21and they just lose it, okay?
00:30:23You son of a bitch!
00:30:24You take out that dead trash
00:30:26and you don't love me!
00:30:27I remember two years ago
00:30:29when you were in jail,
00:30:30and my mama said I should never marry you!
00:30:33She was right!
00:30:34You're a bastard!
00:30:35I hate you!
00:30:37You can't...
00:30:39Okay.
00:30:40Now she's just ruined the play of the day.
00:30:43So we gotta wait a whole nother hour
00:30:45to see it on the next sports center.
00:30:49So now we're pissed, okay?
00:30:51So now we've been treated like this,
00:30:53so we gotta raise it up a level.
00:30:54Oh!
00:30:55Now the trash is stinking!
00:30:57How about, uh...
00:30:58I don't know, two hours ago
00:30:59we were watching Lifetime Channel,
00:31:01Golden Girls,
00:31:02ooh, that crazy blanche!
00:31:03Yeah, we were sitting here on the damn sofa
00:31:05getting our periods
00:31:06and dropping eggs and everything.
00:31:08Oh, that trash wasn't stinking a bit then
00:31:11when you wanted to watch something on TV,
00:31:13but when Tommy wants to watch something,
00:31:14oh, oh, we gotta clean the whole flippin' house!
00:31:18Yeah, I'll take it from trash,
00:31:19y'all want you to get some of your crap
00:31:20and take it out too, bitch!
00:31:29Alright.
00:31:31Same thing with TiVo.
00:31:33Okay?
00:31:34You ready?
00:31:35Big difference.
00:31:38Da-na-na, da-na-na.
00:31:46Um, can you take out the trash?
00:31:52Again, we don't acknowledge you on the first one.
00:31:55We're hoping you'll get women's ADD
00:31:56and go do something else.
00:32:06Um, can you take out the damn trash?
00:32:10Bloop-bloop!
00:32:11Bloop-bloop!
00:32:21Bloop-bloop!
00:32:23Bloop-bloop!
00:32:23Bloop-bloop!
00:32:24Bloop-bloop!
00:32:24Bloop-bloop!
00:32:24Bloop-bloop!
00:32:25Bloop-bloop!
00:32:28See the difference?
00:32:29No argument.
00:32:32That's a good, fundamental
00:32:34choice you need
00:32:35to make right there.
00:32:36Less arguments the better.
00:32:37That's why you need to lie to each other.
00:32:41Lie every day.
00:32:42That rat bastard, Dr. Phil, a.k.a. the man-trader.
00:32:46That's what I call that son of a bitch.
00:32:49He's a damn man-trader.
00:32:51Throwing us under the bus, telling us we need to communicate with women more.
00:32:54Ah, shut up, Dr. Phil.
00:32:57You hairy bastard. Get out of here.
00:33:00Ugh, shit, I don't take any advice from a dude with a porno mustache.
00:33:09He's a damn, ugh, man-trader.
00:33:14Lie to each other.
00:33:15Trust me, every great relationship is built upon carefully orchestrated and constructed lies.
00:33:21Lie, lie, lie, lie.
00:33:25Lie every day. Lie. Lie to each other.
00:33:28I think the only time people are truly honest in a relationship is when they're getting out of that relationship.
00:33:33Oh yeah, girls.
00:33:35That's when y'all get real honest, huh, ladies?
00:33:38Y'all say stuff that just cuts men to the, oh, to the core.
00:33:42Y'all just take our nuts away from us.
00:33:44You're like, you little dick bastard.
00:33:46I never came.
00:33:48What?
00:33:51Where the hell did that come from?
00:33:54You just broke up with me.
00:33:56And now you gotta insult me?
00:33:59So now that we're presenting with that, now we have to raise it up a level.
00:34:02Oh, you never came.
00:34:02Well, your sister did.
00:34:13That might have been honest, but it wasn't necessarily the right thing to say.
00:34:18Everybody likes to be lied to.
00:34:20Gentlemen, we love it.
00:34:21Don't we, fellas?
00:34:22We like to be heard just, ugh, just outrageous lies.
00:34:27Like, ooh, that's the biggest crank I've ever seen.
00:34:31Really?
00:34:34Now we like that lie immediately followed up by this lie, girls.
00:34:38Now mind you, I've only seen four.
00:34:43Four.
00:34:44Ah!
00:34:46Ah!
00:34:47Let's be honest for a minute, girls.
00:34:48Four.
00:34:51But you're right if you say that, because that's the appropriate amount so you can, you know,
00:34:55qualify for all those tricks you know.
00:35:00Don't ever tell your man the truth on how many cranks you've really seen.
00:35:03Oh!
00:35:04He'll dump your ass and be in a parking lot that night with his buddies with a bottle of Scope
00:35:09on one hand and Jaeger in the other.
00:35:11Going, oh, dude, she's been with like 38 dudes.
00:35:14Oh!
00:35:18I bet some of them are dirty Armenians or something.
00:35:27That's all right, girls.
00:35:28You'll get broke up with.
00:35:31Now.
00:35:33Oh, we like this lie.
00:35:34A minute and a half is almost too long.
00:35:40I guess it must be for this big old crank of mine.
00:35:43That's what it must be.
00:35:45Condom!
00:35:47It's this big pirate unit.
00:35:49That's what it is.
00:35:51Arr!
00:35:52Avast your cervix.
00:35:54She can only take a minute and a half.
00:35:56That's why.
00:35:58I'm quick for her.
00:36:05Lies.
00:36:06Lies.
00:36:06Lies.
00:36:07Lies.
00:36:07Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:36:10Girls, y'all like to be lied to.
00:36:11Y'all love lies.
00:36:13I'm like, oh, no, your breast smells like roses.
00:36:17Your ass ain't spread at all.
00:36:19Mm-mm.
00:36:20That's a high-tight ass, baby.
00:36:22Your pants are tight.
00:36:23You know, that's my fault.
00:36:25I was doing some laundry, and I just threw your stuff in there with mine.
00:36:28And, you know, to dry my stuff, I had to turn it up all the way to barbecue.
00:36:33And I did that.
00:36:34I apologize.
00:36:37I learned my lesson.
00:36:38I'll buy you some new pants.
00:36:39No problem.
00:36:40What size is that?
00:36:4127?
00:36:41I'll get you some 28s.
00:36:42No problem.
00:36:43No problem.
00:36:45I'll have to.
00:36:49You know, baby, I was walking by the bathroom, and you were coming out of the shower the other
00:36:53day.
00:36:53It was the other day.
00:36:55And you were tallying off.
00:36:56You've been over-drying your feet.
00:36:57And that ass of yours is up in the air.
00:36:59And I'm walking by, and I snook a look.
00:37:01And I'm like, who is this 19-year-old girl in my house using my shower?
00:37:06What the hell?
00:37:07She'll damn run away.
00:37:08And then your little peach snuck out the back.
00:37:10And I'm like, ooh.
00:37:13That is my girl.
00:37:14Look at that perfect back.
00:37:16Ooh.
00:37:17Ooh.
00:37:19That peach is tight, too, girl.
00:37:20Tight like a drunk.
00:37:24I about came on the way in.
00:37:29That's why I want to last a minute and a half.
00:37:31It's so good.
00:37:34Really?
00:37:34It's good?
00:37:35Yeah.
00:37:35There ain't nothing like that.
00:37:38Death grip.
00:37:47Don't tell anybody.
00:37:50Okay, babe.
00:37:53Nobody can tell you've had three kids.
00:37:55Mm-mm.
00:37:59Lies.
00:38:02I got in trouble.
00:38:04This was a couple years ago.
00:38:05I got in trouble for being too honest.
00:38:09What happened, we used to live in an apartment complex in Los Angeles.
00:38:15And the manager was Miss January 1999.
00:38:20Yeah.
00:38:22She was hot.
00:38:24I don't know her real name.
00:38:26I just called her Boobs.
00:38:31And my wife caught me looking at them.
00:38:34She should have known I was going to look at them.
00:38:36I called her Boobs.
00:38:40She's awesome.
00:38:41Fellas, she had the type of breasts that you just look at and you go,
00:38:43Oh.
00:39:01They're awesome.
00:39:02And that's saying something, girls.
00:39:04I'm not just being sexist, man.
00:39:05I'm here.
00:39:06Okay, look.
00:39:06I got a set of titties.
00:39:07All right, I can be honest with you, okay?
00:39:11I know what I'm talking about, all right?
00:39:12I'm not dazzling by a C cup.
00:39:14You've got to come with some titties, okay, to get me these boobs.
00:39:18Oh.
00:39:22What happened was, my wife wanted me to walk with her over to drop a check off, right?
00:39:26Anything to get me walking.
00:39:30And she's like, honey, come on, let's go drop this check off.
00:39:36Bloop, bloop.
00:39:37All right, let's go.
00:39:40So, halfway over there, I go, Oh, my God, we get to see Boobs is Boobs.
00:39:44This is going to be awesome.
00:39:48Crap.
00:39:50What I did, for those of you all that don't understand, I just ruled out any chance of
00:39:56getting to see Boobs is Boobs, because I just made my woman aware that I was going
00:40:01to be looking at another woman's chest.
00:40:03Yeah.
00:40:05Not good.
00:40:07So, I went in there, and I had to look from the neck up.
00:40:10First time ever.
00:40:11I'm like, wow, you got eyes.
00:40:12Who knew?
00:40:13Okay.
00:40:14I had no idea, folks.
00:40:16None at all.
00:40:17Okay.
00:40:17She could have had a third arm growing out of her head.
00:40:19I would not have noticed the third arm unless it came down and tweaked the nipple.
00:40:23Okay.
00:40:23That's the only way I would have known.
00:40:24I swear to God.
00:40:28So, I'm looking at her, right, and I'm like, wow, you're blonde?
00:40:37Interesting.
00:40:38And I had to sneeze, and I had to sneeze up, because if I sneeze down, my woman knows I'm
00:40:41a sneaky bastard like that.
00:40:43I'll look and check out her boobs on the way up from the sneeze.
00:40:47Okay.
00:40:47Come on.
00:40:48I'm a professional.
00:40:49All right.
00:40:51And so, I had to sneeze up.
00:40:52It was like, oh, God.
00:40:55Don't ever do that.
00:40:55It hurts.
00:40:58And so, I made it through.
00:40:59I made it through.
00:41:00Okay.
00:41:00I did so good.
00:41:01I made it through.
00:41:02We're leaving.
00:41:03Now, let me tell you something about my wife.
00:41:04Okay.
00:41:04As well as being my wife, she's also a fellow comedian, and we travel together all the time.
00:41:10Okay.
00:41:11So, we're together all day long.
00:41:13Okay.
00:41:13And a lot of guys, that'd be a drag.
00:41:15Not me.
00:41:15I love my wife.
00:41:16She's not only my lover.
00:41:18She's also my best friend.
00:41:19Now, sometimes we have conversations like lovers.
00:41:22Other times, we have conversations like best friends.
00:41:25I thought we were having a best friend conversation.
00:41:31Mm-mm.
00:41:32She was like, do you think boobs is hot?
00:41:34Oh, my God.
00:41:36Are you kidding me?
00:41:38That chick is so hot, I'd bang her on top of you.
00:41:41Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:41:53I really just messed up, didn't I?
00:41:54Yes, you son of a bitch.
00:41:55You did.
00:41:57I'm going shopping with your car, son of a bitch.
00:42:01Damn it.
00:42:01Damn it.
00:42:02Damn it.
00:42:02Damn it.
00:42:06Fellas, tip number three.
00:42:08All right, four.
00:42:10We're up to four.
00:42:11Don't allow the woman to go shopping mad.
00:42:15That's not good.
00:42:16Okay.
00:42:17Bad things happen.
00:42:18Okay.
00:42:18I learned this.
00:42:20She came back with 12 big brown bags, okay?
00:42:23And that's what it said on a big brown bag, all right?
00:42:25That's not good, all right?
00:42:27Okay.
00:42:28And she got something called Mark Jacobs skirts.
00:42:31Do you know who Mark Jacobs is?
00:42:32He's a damn other man trader.
00:42:34That son of a bitch.
00:42:35Okay.
00:42:36He is.
00:42:37He's a man trader.
00:42:37I'm going to get that son of a bitch killed.
00:42:39What?
00:42:40Because he makes kryptonite for women, okay?
00:42:43They are powerless against the allure of Mark Jacobs clothes, especially the mini skirts.
00:42:50My wife got seven of them.
00:42:51They cost like $3.50 a piece.
00:42:53Yeah.
00:42:55Yeah.
00:42:57Now, look at the shirt that I'm wearing, okay?
00:43:00I got this shirt at the fat guy store, okay?
00:43:03They call it a big and tall.
00:43:04I've never seen no tall dudes there.
00:43:08It's a fat guy store.
00:43:10Okay?
00:43:13Look how much fabric I got.
00:43:17$19.99.
00:43:20I measured it.
00:43:21Three mini skirts right here.
00:43:24Three.
00:43:26That son of a bitch makes one for $350.
00:43:29When I told you I'm going to get him killed, I've got a plan.
00:43:32I'm not going to do it.
00:43:33I'm going to facilitate it.
00:43:34Here's what I'm going to do.
00:43:35I think I can get away with this, okay?
00:43:37I watch a lot of Law and Order.
00:43:38I think I know what's up.
00:43:42Nobody puts baby in the corner.
00:43:44You know what I'm saying?
00:43:44Okay.
00:43:50What I'm going to do is I'm going to instigate him getting killed.
00:43:54What I'm going to do is I'm going to wait for him to pass some gangbangers in New York.
00:43:58How long do you have to wait there?
00:43:59Come on.
00:44:00Be honest.
00:44:01I'll follow him around.
00:44:02I'll wait until he passes up some gangbangers and yell a bunch of racial stuff and get him killed.
00:44:08I'm going to be like, what?
00:44:10Why don't you call them niggers?
00:44:12What the fuck is this?
00:44:14Are y'all going to put up with that?
00:44:15Him calling y'all?
00:44:16Are y'all going to put up with that?
00:44:18I wouldn't put up with that.
00:44:19Here.
00:44:20Here's a big bag of guns and knives.
00:44:30I think it'll work.
00:44:33Anyway, my wife keeps on pulling clothes out, okay?
00:44:36She got seven skirts.
00:44:38She got boots from Kohan.
00:44:40She got shoes from Chanel.
00:44:43She got all this stuff.
00:44:44She got sweaters.
00:44:45She got tank tops, long sleeves, short sleeve.
00:44:49Oh, something called couture.
00:44:51And guys, if you don't know what that means, good for you.
00:44:55I wish I didn't know what that meant.
00:44:58You know what couture means?
00:44:59Add another thousand.
00:45:02That's how much it's going to cost you.
00:45:03Add another thousand.
00:45:05Anyway, she's pulling this crap out of these bags like she's a magician in a crappy carnival.
00:45:14And I'm like, honey, I think I asked a legitimate question.
00:45:21Baby, how much do you spend without missing a beat?
00:45:27Do not miss a beat.
00:45:29$5,200.
00:45:33Okay, now in my mind, I'm thinking, I've got to kill this bitch.
00:45:40I'm like, $5,200?
00:45:42Are you out of your mind?
00:45:44That's more than my first three cars combined, bitch.
00:45:46I've got to kill this bitch.
00:45:50$5,200?
00:45:51Do you do?
00:45:52No, I'm not going to kill her.
00:45:53I'm going to choke her out.
00:45:55And I'm going to wait for her to come back, too.
00:45:57And then I'm going to choke her out again.
00:45:59Now, that's what I was thinking.
00:46:02But because I'd rather be happy than right, I go, whew, $5,200.
00:46:15Thank God you got some of that on sale.
00:46:19I bet you saved me $600 or $700 getting some of that on sale.
00:46:23Whoo, lucky me.
00:46:33I knew my place because I'm married above my level.
00:46:38I'll let it go.
00:46:39All right.
00:46:40Ladies, all that was for you, okay?
00:46:43Hopefully, it'll make your life simpler, okay?
00:46:45Gentlemen, this next part's for you.
00:46:47Hope you enjoy it.
00:46:49I got your back, fellas.
00:46:54Ladies, if you ever have the opportunity to buy your man a gift,
00:46:57such as a holiday, anniversary, birthday, don't.
00:47:02Your gifts suck.
00:47:04We hate every gift you've ever gotten us.
00:47:06They are horrible.
00:47:07You have horrible taste.
00:47:09You dress us like a damn Abercrombie and Finch catalog.
00:47:12Stop it.
00:47:13Stop it.
00:47:15What, are we all half of homos all of a sudden?
00:47:17Yeah, we all love khaki.
00:47:18Look at me.
00:47:19I hate khaki.
00:47:20Look at what I'm wearing.
00:47:22Stop it.
00:47:24That's right, girls.
00:47:25Stop spending our money on gifts for us.
00:47:30Stop.
00:47:31Stop.
00:47:34Ladies, why would you ever buy your man a gift
00:47:37when our two favorite gifts are absolutely free?
00:47:42Free.
00:47:44Free.
00:47:48Right, fellas?
00:47:49It's awesome.
00:47:52First one, our number one favorite gift, oral.
00:47:58Right, fellas?
00:47:59It's awesome.
00:48:00We love it.
00:48:01We're never apathetic to a good old suck at times
00:48:05and, you know, like we are an ugly polo shirt.
00:48:23We're never like, whoop-dee-doo, another blowjob.
00:48:25Thank you so much.
00:48:27Woo!
00:48:31I suppose you're going to lick my sack, too, huh?
00:48:37No, every time it's awesome.
00:48:40Right, kids?
00:48:41We're instantly eight years old at Christmastime going,
00:48:44Oh, my God, how did you know?
00:48:47Oh, my God.
00:48:50This is awesome.
00:48:53No, I'm not going to take it back.
00:48:56It's a perfect bed.
00:48:57It's a perfect bed.
00:48:57How did you, oh?
00:48:59There's nothing at the mall better than that, okay?
00:49:02Not at any department store.
00:49:04Not Wetzel's Pretzels.
00:49:06Not Wix and Sticks.
00:49:07Nothing as good as oral.
00:49:09Nothing.
00:49:11Nothing.
00:49:12It's awesome every time.
00:49:14It's magic.
00:49:19I love it.
00:49:24Number two favorite gift, girls?
00:49:27Silence.
00:49:30Yep.
00:49:32Yep.
00:49:37A big old heaping helping goes to shut the hell up.
00:49:41Oh, my God.
00:49:43We do not have to talk all the damn time.
00:49:46My God.
00:49:47Can you just not shut the hell up?
00:49:50You do not have to run your mouth all the flipping time.
00:49:54Jesus.
00:49:54Shut up, woman.
00:49:57Fellas, don't you wish you had a deck of cards,
00:49:59some shut the hell up cards,
00:50:00that if she started telling you a creepy story
00:50:04or something you really didn't want to hear about,
00:50:06you could just whip out a card and tell her to shut the hell up,
00:50:08and she'd have to do it.
00:50:10Wouldn't that be awesome?
00:50:10Like you're a referee in a football game or something?
00:50:13You know?
00:50:14She starts telling you a creepy story about her mom's a bitch,
00:50:17and she didn't tell her about her getting her cycle.
00:50:19So when she was 13,
00:50:21she sent her to school with two panty liners
00:50:22when she got her period,
00:50:23and by 10 a.m. she bled out
00:50:25like somebody gutted a catfish in her back pocket.
00:50:28Like, ow!
00:50:30Ow!
00:50:31Turn my card!
00:50:33Shut the hell up!
00:50:35Ow!
00:50:36Ow!
00:50:38Ow!
00:50:38You are the creepiest thing in my life!
00:50:40God!
00:50:41Why did you do that to me?
00:50:44You verbally just punched me in the face!
00:50:48Ow!
00:50:49Ow!
00:50:52And if you think about explaining that story to me,
00:50:55here's another shut the hell up card.
00:50:57Jesus!
00:51:00Women do not like silence.
00:51:02You just don't.
00:51:03You don't like silence.
00:51:04You gotta fill the gap.
00:51:07It's because you don't understand a concept
00:51:09that men have to do.
00:51:11It's part of our process.
00:51:12It's called thinking about nothing.
00:51:17Every man here loves to think about nothing.
00:51:20We love it.
00:51:21It's one of our favorite activities.
00:51:24Look familiar?
00:51:25This is what we look like
00:51:26when we're thinking about nothing.
00:51:35Are you getting it, bitches?
00:51:36Are you watching?
00:51:42Girls, when we're thinking about nothing,
00:51:44what we're doing is basically
00:51:45we're shutting off our conscious mind
00:51:47and subconsciously we're compressing
00:51:49all our available memory space.
00:51:51Basically, we're defragging our head.
00:51:53Okay?
00:51:55We get rid of useless information
00:51:56that we don't need to keep
00:51:57like your mom's birthday.
00:51:59Get that out of here.
00:52:04Compress, compress, compress.
00:52:05That's why we don't lose our car
00:52:07in the parking lot.
00:52:17Scientific fact.
00:52:18Male brain is larger on average
00:52:20than the female brain.
00:52:21Okay?
00:52:21Fact.
00:52:23The women's brain
00:52:24is far more active.
00:52:26Far more active.
00:52:27About 35% more active.
00:52:29It's always firing.
00:52:31Girls, think of it like this.
00:52:32We're dial-up your DSL.
00:52:37You're superior.
00:52:39No doubt about it.
00:52:39Okay?
00:52:40You constantly think.
00:52:41You're thinking all the time.
00:52:44All the time.
00:52:46All the time.
00:52:48Your mind hates you.
00:52:52Right now, you're sitting there going,
00:52:54you know, screw this fat guy.
00:52:55I don't like him very much.
00:52:56Okay?
00:52:58It's kind of sexist.
00:52:59I like it when he was talking
00:53:00about pro-women stuff.
00:53:01That was good.
00:53:02But now this, I don't like this.
00:53:04Oral silence.
00:53:04Shut the hell up.
00:53:05I don't like that, man.
00:53:07And you know, good for this woman.
00:53:08Going shopping and spending 50 years.
00:53:09Gee, that's a lot of shopping.
00:53:10I've never shopped like that.
00:53:11Well, there was a time of day
00:53:12after Christmas where I was shopping.
00:53:14And I started up early in the mall.
00:53:15I got there like 7 a.m.
00:53:17And I was just shopping.
00:53:18And I was feeling kind of tired
00:53:20around 11.30.
00:53:21So I got me, you know,
00:53:22a half-whip mocha,
00:53:24macacchino, white mocha, skim.
00:53:26You know, and a double shot of espresso.
00:53:28And I was like,
00:53:29whoo, I'm back, girl.
00:53:31And I shopped some more.
00:53:32And I got a lot of bargains.
00:53:33It was a lot of good bargains.
00:53:34It was good.
00:53:39Now, do you know what guys
00:53:41are thinking right now?
00:53:42Do another joke about your crotch.
00:53:50You see the difference?
00:53:51That's all we're thinking about.
00:53:53That's it.
00:53:59So girls, when we're thinking about nothing,
00:54:01you get pissed, okay?
00:54:02And you want to feel the silence.
00:54:04So you ask us a goofy-ass question
00:54:05every time, never fails.
00:54:07Fellas, you remember this?
00:54:10What are you thinking?
00:54:11Ooh!
00:54:15Well, I was thinking about nothing.
00:54:18Now I wish someone would
00:54:20stab me in my flippin' eye.
00:54:23Appreciate it.
00:54:27Where are my cards?
00:54:31Ha-ha-ha, shut the head up.
00:54:35Or how about this one, fellas?
00:54:37You're sleepin', right?
00:54:38Okay?
00:54:39And she didn't want to fool around.
00:54:40She just wanted to spoon and cuddle.
00:54:43Which means,
00:54:44hey, your arm's gonna be asleep
00:54:4515 minutes before you are,
00:54:47you bastard, okay?
00:54:48Ha-ha-ha.
00:54:49You're so whipped.
00:54:53So you're sittin' there, right?
00:54:54And you finally fall asleep.
00:54:55And you got that good sleep.
00:54:56It never fails, right, fellas?
00:54:57You got the sleeper,
00:54:58you got the little spit
00:54:59goin' down your mouth.
00:55:00You don't care.
00:55:01You feel it there?
00:55:02You're not wipin'.
00:55:03You don't care.
00:55:08And then for no reason,
00:55:09her mind will wake her up
00:55:10to think about
00:55:11some non-consequential stuff
00:55:14that happened like,
00:55:15ooh, two weeks ago.
00:55:17And you'll be alarmed at first,
00:55:19right, fellas?
00:55:19Okay?
00:55:20She'll be like,
00:55:23oh, my God.
00:55:24What did Jennifer mean
00:55:25two weeks ago
00:55:25when she said nice skirt?
00:55:27Screw her.
00:55:27It's a great skirt.
00:55:28She's just mad
00:55:29because she's got fat ass
00:55:30and fat thighs
00:55:31and a bad relationship, okay?
00:55:33I don't need this crap
00:55:34in my life, okay?
00:55:37And you're sittin' there, fellas,
00:55:38you're like,
00:55:38oh, what, what, what?
00:55:47What is it, babe?
00:55:50Hey, you need me
00:55:50to go re-lock the door again?
00:55:56A drag?
00:55:58The fat...
00:56:01Where are my cars?
00:56:03Shut the hell up!
00:56:06Stupid ass.
00:56:07What the...
00:56:07Let's play a game called
00:56:09I Was Sleepin'.
00:56:10How about that?
00:56:14You're a turk.
00:56:15You never listen to me.
00:56:17La, la, la, la, la.
00:56:20I don't listen to you.
00:56:21You're disobeying
00:56:22the shut the hell up card.
00:56:31So,
00:56:32how many women
00:56:34are here tonight
00:56:34with men they truly love?
00:56:35Clap your hands.
00:56:38That's beautiful.
00:56:40I love love.
00:56:42I love it.
00:56:43That's why I got married.
00:56:44Girls,
00:56:45if you love your man,
00:56:47tomorrow morning,
00:56:48I want you to give him a gift.
00:56:57That's right, girls.
00:56:58I want you to wake him up
00:57:00by sucking that crank.
00:57:02I want you to suck it.
00:57:03Don't just nuzzle it
00:57:05like you lazy bitches
00:57:06have been doing
00:57:06for the last couple of years,
00:57:07you married bitches,
00:57:08just nuzzling it.
00:57:15You better get in there
00:57:16and work that monkey.
00:57:17Ah!
00:57:18Ah!
00:57:22Look at me.
00:57:23Thunder!
00:57:26Is that pirate crank rocking?
00:57:30When that thing is at full mast,
00:57:32I want you to get on him
00:57:34and I want you to bring him
00:57:35old school.
00:57:35I want you to rock
00:57:37his world, girls.
00:57:38I want you to sling
00:57:39your hair around
00:57:39like you did
00:57:40when you were trying
00:57:40to impress him
00:57:41like when you were
00:57:41first together.
00:57:43Ah!
00:57:44Ah!
00:57:46Ah!
00:57:47Scratch his back.
00:57:48Let him spank you.
00:57:49Stick a finger in his hoo-ha.
00:57:50Good for you.
00:57:53Good for you.
00:57:55Just to the first knuckle,
00:57:56nothing gay.
00:57:57Nothing gay.
00:57:59First knuckle
00:57:59is perfectly acceptable.
00:58:02Nothing gay.
00:58:03Even the black guys
00:58:04know what I'm talking about.
00:58:05All right.
00:58:05First knuckle.
00:58:06No problem, homie.
00:58:07No problem.
00:58:13And girls,
00:58:14when y'all are finished,
00:58:16after three or four positions,
00:58:17at a minimum,
00:58:18at a minimum,
00:58:20three to four,
00:58:21and he's sitting there
00:58:22shaking like a car
00:58:23on bad gas.
00:58:29Right?
00:58:29Because you got it
00:58:30like that, baby.
00:58:33And he's covered enough
00:58:35DNA to film
00:58:35three episodes of CSI.
00:58:45Leave!
00:58:47Get the hell out!
00:58:49The whole day of silence,
00:58:51we got ballgames to watch,
00:58:52we got sports to watch,
00:58:54we got crutches to scratch,
00:58:55and things not to do,
00:58:57bitch,
00:58:57get the hell out!
00:59:01Get out!
00:59:04Now that's a gift.
00:59:12That's a damn good gift.
00:59:16Get everything done,
00:59:17there was no conversation,
00:59:18no cuddling,
00:59:19and a day of complete silence.
00:59:22Nice.
00:59:25Y'all been beautiful.
00:59:26I'm Ralphie May.
00:59:27Thank you so much.
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