Bill Burr - Walk Your Way Out [17] - video Dailymotion

Fyah TV Comedy

Comedian Bill Burr takes the stage in Nashville and riffs on such topics as overpopulation, fast food, dictators and gorilla sign language. #comedy #standupcomedy #standup #billburr #billburrcomedy #billburrstandup

Transcript

00:00:24All right, thank you, thank you very much, how are you?

00:00:30How's it going?

00:00:33Thank you, thank you, thank you.

00:00:36Nice to be here.

00:00:38Nice to be here, thank you.

00:00:40I appreciate it.

00:00:41Let's see if I'm funny first.

00:00:43Let's see if I'm funny.

00:00:45Nice to be here in Nashville.

00:00:47Look at me.

00:00:48I went out, got myself a cowboy shirt, right?

00:00:52Been in with all you guys coming in from your ranches, huh?

00:00:57Living out there in the barns.

00:00:58You know what you're doing?

00:01:01You're like, I'm working on an app, okay?

00:01:05To launch this website.

00:01:10Oh, shit, what a fucked up time this is, huh?

00:01:13It's so weird to tape a special right before a presidential election, especially like one

00:01:17like this.

00:01:17Like, this is literally like what is going to happen.

00:01:21You know?

00:01:22How the fuck did we end up with these two?

00:01:24Jesus Christ.

00:01:25This is like the first week of American Idol.

00:01:28You know?

00:01:29It's like, really?

00:01:30This is what I got?

00:01:32Take it cold.

00:01:33Take it cold!

00:01:36Whatever the hell she's doing.

00:01:38You know?

00:01:40It's unbelievable.

00:01:41You either got a racist dope or like the devil.

00:01:45Like, that's the choices.

00:01:48I just walk up and grab it.

00:01:50I just grab it.

00:01:54All right?

00:01:56Is that what you do?

00:01:59Fucking lunatic.

00:02:00I'm going to build a wall.

00:02:01I'm going to build a wall.

00:02:03I love people thinking he's actually going to do that.

00:02:05Really?

00:02:06You're going to do that?

00:02:07You're going to build a wall from fucking California to Texas.

00:02:10You're going to do this.

00:02:11Have you ever done that drive?

00:02:14Because I've done that drive.

00:02:16Took the 10 East out of Los Angeles.

00:02:19That is a two-day drive, 80 miles an hour.

00:02:22Ah!

00:02:24Ah!

00:02:25Just wall, wall, wall.

00:02:27You're in there like John Goodman in Raising Arizona.

00:02:31Ah!

00:02:31Just driving.

00:02:33Like, how many times are you going to go to Home Depot to build this thing?

00:02:38You actually think you're going to get this done.

00:02:42Look at the Freedom Tower.

00:02:43We actually wanted that shit, and it took almost 15 years to get it done.

00:02:48Half the people don't even want this fucking thing.

00:02:51I'm telling you, by the time they finished it, this country would be so fucked up,

00:02:56we're going to be the ones going over it.

00:02:59Listen to that.

00:02:59Dude, they got real sugar.

00:03:03They got real sugar in the Coke.

00:03:06I heard on the other side, the Orange Crush tastes like it did in 1978.

00:03:12Remember that two-year period when it was actually delicious?

00:03:15Yeah, so you got him, and then you got Hillary, and Hillary's just like a made guy.

00:03:21Just a made fucking guy.

00:03:22Everybody thinks like, you know, she dresses like a real estate agent, you know, nothing

00:03:27to worry about.

00:03:28She's a fucking made guy.

00:03:30She's going to give them the wars.

00:03:32She's going to microchip the babies, phase out the cash.

00:03:36She's not going to do it, but she's going to keep steering it in that direction, privatizing

00:03:41water.

00:03:41Water's not a basic human, right?

00:03:43She's going to go through the whole fucking thing, that psycho fucking thing that you do

00:03:49when you go after that kind of power.

00:03:51You know, you got to put it all over here in a little box.

00:03:54All your evils, you're just sitting there fucking smiling, knowing what's really going

00:03:58on.

00:03:59As you're talking to Joe Sixpack, he puts his pants on one leg at a time.

00:04:07No, it's so fucking, you know, it's unreal.

00:04:11Like, I don't know.

00:04:12These are the two worst choices ever.

00:04:15Trump, if he wasn't, if he wasn't so fucking racist, if he wasn't so racist, I can deal

00:04:21with the pussy grabbing.

00:04:22That's not in my world.

00:04:24I'm selfish, like every other voter, all right?

00:04:27If he wasn't so fucking racist, he would actually scare me a little less, because he's

00:04:34so obviously a dope.

00:04:35He's so dumb, I don't think he could get away with anything.

00:04:38You know what he reminds me of?

00:04:39You ever watch Law and Order, and they make an arrest in like within the first 15 minutes?

00:04:44You know, and they're trying to get you to think, ah, we got him, we got him.

00:04:47He's just looking at your watch.

00:04:48You're like, dude, there's no way this guy did this shit.

00:04:51There's like another 45 minutes left.

00:04:55This can't be the guy.

00:04:56Who's the real guy?

00:04:59And that's when fucking Hillary, she fucking comes walking in.

00:05:03Yeah, she goes to those Bilderberg meetings, you know, where they dress up like pheasants

00:05:07and they fuck each other, right?

00:05:10Sacrifice some employee from a Best Buy.

00:05:14Fight over his name tag for a trophy, right?

00:05:20Who do you pick?

00:05:21I got no idea.

00:05:22So I've just been like regressing, like I can't deal with this shit.

00:05:25I just want to hit pause.

00:05:27I don't want this election to fucking happen.

00:05:29So I've just been regressing, and I'm just watching the dumbest shit I possibly can.

00:05:34You know, morning time, those stupid talk shows to get Soccer Mom's Day started.

00:05:38You know, they have all those non-thinking stories.

00:05:41You know, you love him as your best friend, but did you ever wonder what does your dog

00:05:46do when you're not home?

00:05:48Well, the next video may surprise you.

00:05:51And I just fill it up, fill up my brain with this dumb shit.

00:05:55I don't want to deal with what's really going on.

00:05:58Nationwide heroin epidemic.

00:06:00Fuck that.

00:06:02It's National Taco Day.

00:06:04We got Tony from Tony's Taco.

00:06:06Tony, what is it that makes a great taco?

00:06:09Well, it's all about starting out with the tortilla.

00:06:14Watching them making pancakes and all that shit.

00:06:17Talking to the ladies.

00:06:19Talking about body issues.

00:06:20They're always talking about body issues.

00:06:21That's the dumbest one ever.

00:06:23They talk about Hollywood, going like, Hollywood, they create these impossible body images.

00:06:28Blah, blah, blah.

00:06:29You know, that whole thing.

00:06:30The plus-size actress.

00:06:32Right?

00:06:33The fatties.

00:06:34Yeah?

00:06:36That's like a big thing.

00:06:37They're sick of being treated like fat people.

00:06:40I don't know what it is they're doing.

00:06:41They're going on the cover of magazines now.

00:06:43Just like showing how fat they are.

00:06:45Wearing a little bit of monoclose.

00:06:46And everybody's like hyping them up.

00:06:48Like, oh my God, that's so brave.

00:06:50That's so courageous.

00:06:53I'm not saying it doesn't take balls.

00:06:55But that's a bit of an overreach with the word brave.

00:06:59Right?

00:07:00Like, what am I supposed to do if I ever see a fireman running out of a building carrying a

00:07:05baby and an old lady?

00:07:06Am I going to sit there like, oh my God!

00:07:08You're like a fat actress that takes her shirt off to do a magazine shoot to promote the movie she's

00:07:16in.

00:07:19Now look, I know you're not supposed to make fun of fat people.

00:07:23I understand.

00:07:24All right?

00:07:25I don't know why, though.

00:07:29They're not a race.

00:07:30They're not a religion.

00:07:32It's totally curable.

00:07:34Eat an apple and go for a walk.

00:07:36You know?

00:07:37Why are you yelling at everybody else?

00:07:41The fuck are you giving me shit for?

00:07:43All right?

00:07:44You put the cookies in there.

00:07:46I didn't.

00:07:47How is this my problem?

00:07:51Jesus Christ.

00:07:52You ate your way in, you can walk your way out.

00:07:55All right?

00:07:56And just slowly start shedding the pounds.

00:07:58Shove some fucking lettuce in there instead of a bunch of ho-hos.

00:08:03And it's going to come down.

00:08:05And then you're on my side of the fence.

00:08:07Right?

00:08:07Join me.

00:08:08Come on.

00:08:08Stay with me.

00:08:09Shame.

00:08:10Shame!

00:08:12Right?

00:08:15I know.

00:08:16You're not supposed to shame.

00:08:17You're not supposed to fat shame.

00:08:19You're not supposed to slut shame.

00:08:21You're like shaming, shaming.

00:08:23Like people aren't supposed to walk around with any shame.

00:08:25It's like a legitimate human emotion.

00:08:28But you're not supposed to feel it at all.

00:08:29You know?

00:08:30You're supposed to just walk around like a dictator.

00:08:31Just not, you're not going to feel any shame.

00:08:33You never felt shame?

00:08:34You never had such a bad fucking night the next morning.

00:08:37You woke up.

00:08:38You couldn't even look yourself in the mirror.

00:08:39When you went to go brush your teeth, you looked up.

00:08:41You're like, oh, you fucking piece of shit.

00:08:43Wow.

00:08:44Wow.

00:08:45Even for you, that was bad.

00:08:47Lights out.

00:08:48Curtains drawn.

00:08:49Until at least two in the afternoon.

00:08:51Before I can even look at you, you fucking piece of shit.

00:08:56Yeah.

00:08:56You're supposed to have no shame.

00:08:58That's the new world.

00:08:59You're just going to walk around sucking dick.

00:09:01You know?

00:09:02Eating cookies.

00:09:03And just show up.

00:09:04And nobody's supposed to say anything.

00:09:06No one's supposed to have an opinion.

00:09:07Like, wow, that's going to go off the rails pretty soon.

00:09:13I don't know.

00:09:14It's probably mean to do this stuff.

00:09:15But like, you can only have so much sympathy.

00:09:18There's so much, so much stuff you can care about.

00:09:20You know what happened to me that changed my life?

00:09:22I did a gig in India, right?

00:09:24Unbelievably great people.

00:09:25But some of the stuff that I saw there, I'll never forget.

00:09:27I literally, I did a gig in India.

00:09:29I saw a toddler take a shit between two parked cars.

00:09:32Walked away.

00:09:33No pants or parents.

00:09:35And then disappeared into the crowd like Hannibal Lecter at the end of Silence of the Lambs.

00:09:42It's one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever seen in my life.

00:09:46And then I come back to my country.

00:09:48And it's like, oh, the studio said I'd lose 15 pounds to star in a movie.

00:09:53Well, then start running, you fat fuck.

00:09:56That's your big complaint in life?

00:10:00You know what it is about these fatties?

00:10:03You know what it really is?

00:10:05They have no respect for the amount of sacrifice and dedication it takes to truly get in, like, magazine-level

00:10:12shape.

00:10:13Which is the, you ever try to get abs?

00:10:15You ever try to get all the abs and get that shit down here?

00:10:17You ever try to do it?

00:10:18It's fucking impossible!

00:10:21Past the age of 19, you can't do it without tons of help.

00:10:25You've got to buy all these exercise tapes.

00:10:27You've got to read about nutrition.

00:10:28You've got to get a personal trainer and having you fucking running along.

00:10:31You need your own chef.

00:10:33And he's like, okay, don't eat it yet.

00:10:34Don't eat it yet.

00:10:35All right, now.

00:10:35Eat it.

00:10:35Start consuming it.

00:10:36All right, stop.

00:10:37Slow down.

00:10:38Stop.

00:10:38Spit it out!

00:10:39Spit it out!

00:10:41I told you to stop!

00:10:42Get on the electrical!

00:10:43Oh, you like that Brussels sprout?

00:10:45Did you like that Brussels sprout?

00:10:46Because now you're paying for it!

00:10:48It's a fucking miserable experience.

00:10:51Just walking around.

00:10:52Your whole body's eating yourself.

00:10:53You know, you want some cake?

00:10:55No!

00:10:56No, I'll just take a salad.

00:10:59Balsamic vinaigrette on the side.

00:11:00No croutons.

00:11:02Oh, my God!

00:11:03Wait, it's the photo shoot.

00:11:04I want to kill myself.

00:11:07It's horrible.

00:11:09You ever try to get fat?

00:11:12No!

00:11:13You don't have to.

00:11:15It's effortless.

00:11:16You can fucking lay on your back, watching your favorite show, just shuffling shit down your throat.

00:11:23What are you doing?

00:11:24I'm getting fat.

00:11:25I'm getting fat.

00:11:27You got a trainer?

00:11:28Don't need one.

00:11:29It's natural.

00:11:31I just eat everything that makes my sugar salt go like, yeah, woo, yeah.

00:11:38Comes right in.

00:11:39Nice roll of fucking flab.

00:11:42No, it's ridiculous.

00:11:43Like, I know nobody wants to be fat, so I'm not shitting on anything about that.

00:11:46But don't fucking come at me like it's my problem, and I need to fucking rewire myself.

00:11:50No, you're overweight, okay?

00:11:52There's plenty of things that can help you out.

00:11:54This is, everybody's got something to deal with.

00:11:56I'm a fucking lunatic with my temper.

00:11:58This is something I have to deal with.

00:12:00I do.

00:12:00You know?

00:12:01You, you can't fucking stop eating pork chops.

00:12:03That's something you have to fucking deal with.

00:12:05I don't have to completely rewire myself.

00:12:09You know what it is?

00:12:10It's just a bunch of sixes pissed off that they're not getting treated like a ten.

00:12:13You know, at some point, you just got to acknowledge what you are.

00:12:18You're a six.

00:12:19I'm sorry.

00:12:19All right?

00:12:20Nobody jerks off to a six.

00:12:22That's the deal.

00:12:24Unless you work with her.

00:12:25You work with her, you know?

00:12:27She's got that one outfit, you know, it just does something for you.

00:12:31You're working close quarters, so there's, you know what a shampoo smells like?

00:12:35There's an intimacy.

00:12:36There's an intimacy there.

00:12:37All right?

00:12:42I don't know what women rub one out to, but I know it ain't me.

00:12:45All right?

00:12:46This is a fantasy.

00:12:47That's why I don't feel bad about it.

00:12:49Trashing them.

00:12:50It's like, yeah, this is all coming from, I'm a strong five.

00:12:53All right?

00:12:53That's where I am.

00:12:54So I still feel like I'm punching up here.

00:12:56You know?

00:12:58Honestly, people, I'm a bald, red-headed male.

00:13:01You don't think there's a glass ceiling on the kinds of parts I can get in Hollywood?

00:13:05Really?

00:13:06You think I'm ever going to be the lead in a romantic comedy?

00:13:10That ain't happening to you if I'm booking the movie.

00:13:13I want to make the money back.

00:13:17That's the thing.

00:13:17It's show business.

00:13:19There's a million dollars on this film, okay?

00:13:20We're trying to make fucking money.

00:13:22You just want to show up with fucking crumbs on the side of your face?

00:13:26Show up in shape, looking as fuckable as possible, know your lines, ready to work.

00:13:32It's called being a professional, right?

00:13:36Dude, Ben Stiller had abs and meet the parents.

00:13:40There was no reason for him to do that.

00:13:42He just knew, I'm going to take my fucking shirt off.

00:13:44I don't want to get trashed.

00:13:47He was shredded.

00:13:50Yeah, go be a fucking postman.

00:13:51I mean, I don't know what to tell you.

00:13:53All right.

00:13:55No, you know what it is?

00:13:56This is just the ramblings of someone who's sliding into the back nine of his life, and

00:14:00I'm not understanding half the shit that's going on.

00:14:04You know?

00:14:04You know one of the big things that really made me feel old was when McDonald's started

00:14:08making salads.

00:14:11That literally ripped my heart out.

00:14:12I'm like, they're doing what?

00:14:14What?

00:14:15Now they have wraps, and they're doing all of this shit.

00:14:18You know what it was?

00:14:19I shake people, complain to them.

00:14:21You're like, oh, you don't have any healthy options.

00:14:23It's like, dude, this is McDonald's.

00:14:25This shit is poison.

00:14:27Who the fuck comes here to get in shape?

00:14:32Whenever I get McDonald's, I have a whole plan.

00:14:34At my age, I'm 48 years old.

00:14:35I know what I'm going to order.

00:14:37I'm going to go in there.

00:14:38It's going to taste great.

00:14:3920 minutes later, I'm going to want to kill myself.

00:14:42And then I'm going to go, I'm going to the gym tomorrow.

00:14:44I'm going to the gym tomorrow.

00:14:45And no matter how much I say that, I woke up the demon in me.

00:14:48I woke up the demon, and all that grease is just coursing through my veins.

00:14:52And no matter how much I want to go to the gym, there's going to be this other voice

00:14:54going, dude, get an egg McMuffin.

00:14:56Go down there and get an egg McMuffin.

00:14:57And I'm going to sit up like the Manchurian candidate.

00:15:00Okay, we're going to McDonald's.

00:15:02It's my in-shape voice.

00:15:04It's in the background.

00:15:04No, what are we doing?

00:15:06Go to the gym.

00:15:07I'm just going to drive right down.

00:15:11Right?

00:15:12I know what it is.

00:15:14But somehow, out of shape, people somehow made them, they're to fucking blame.

00:15:19They had to have more healthy shit because they're the reason why everybody's fat.

00:15:23How come they have to do it?

00:15:24What about Ben and Jerry's?

00:15:25How come they don't have to put a little kale in their ice cream?

00:15:27Why is that?

00:15:28Oh, because you're a couple of hippies, man.

00:15:30You're like making ice cream.

00:15:32They're going after big, bad McDonald's.

00:15:34You know, it's just...

00:15:35Who the fuck goes to McDonald's to get in shape?

00:15:38And don't give me that horse shit that eating healthy is expensive.

00:15:42It isn't.

00:15:42Go to a fucking supermarket.

00:15:44They're throwing the vegetables at you.

00:15:46Here's celery.

00:15:47Get it the fuck out of here.

00:15:4970 cents.

00:15:5025 cents for a banana.

00:15:51Whatever the fuck you want.

00:15:53Get it out of here.

00:15:54The fuck goes bad.

00:15:57No, it's fucked up.

00:15:59They somehow convinced him that, you know, McDonald's is the reason why I'm out of shape.

00:16:05I would have got a salad, but you didn't have the option.

00:16:09So I was like, well, I guess I got to get 52 Big Macs.

00:16:13Thanks a lot, McDonald's.

00:16:15It's like, dude, you're an adult.

00:16:17It's not their job to babysit you.

00:16:18They're a fucking business.

00:16:20If you order 50 sandwiches, they're going to give it to you.

00:16:22It's your job to not do it.

00:16:24You're fucking dope.

00:16:25Right?

00:16:27I know.

00:16:28Sorry.

00:16:30I know.

00:16:34Yeah.

00:16:36Dude, McDonald's...

00:16:37McDonald's exists for two reasons, okay?

00:16:39It's for drunk people, and it's for children, all right?

00:16:42That's what this thing is.

00:16:44You know, you're in your car.

00:16:45Your kids won't shut the hell up.

00:16:47You go to the drive-thru.

00:16:48You go to the drive-thru.

00:16:50You get a couple of poison burgers.

00:16:52You throw it down their throats.

00:16:53Their little systems can't handle it.

00:16:55They start...

00:16:58They start nodding off.

00:17:01And you're up front.

00:17:02You're bigger.

00:17:03You can handle a bigger dose of poison.

00:17:05You know what I mean?

00:17:06Pop in your Def Leppard cassette.

00:17:08You have a little moment for yourself.

00:17:10Yeah.

00:17:12That's what it's for.

00:17:14It's for your kids, and it's for drunk people.

00:17:16Like, how many times have you driven out to a bar going,

00:17:19I'm just going to have one.

00:17:20All of a sudden, you had, like, 11.

00:17:22Right?

00:17:23And you're hammered.

00:17:24And you're thinking...

00:17:25But, you know, but you're responsible.

00:17:27You're drunk, but you're responsible.

00:17:28You're like, God damn it.

00:17:29I drove my car here tonight.

00:17:32God damn it.

00:17:33I'm driving it home.

00:17:34All right?

00:17:35I'm not going to burden this place of business

00:17:39by taking up a parking space

00:17:41in this completely empty parking lot

00:17:43for the next six hours.

00:17:46I am not advocating drinking and driving,

00:17:50but I will tell you,

00:17:50there's nothing better

00:17:51than when all your friends and family know you're hammered.

00:17:54There's nothing better than that walk to the car.

00:17:57It's incredible.

00:17:58Women are screaming,

00:17:59people tearing at you clothes.

00:18:01You feel like you're in the Beatles.

00:18:03Oh, my God, no!

00:18:05Stop!

00:18:05And you're like, no autographs.

00:18:07I'm sorry.

00:18:08I have to go.

00:18:09I'll be back.

00:18:10Just get them off me.

00:18:13And you get in the car.

00:18:16Everybody's screaming,

00:18:17get in the fucking car.

00:18:19You're fine.

00:18:20I had a car eight years.

00:18:21I know.

00:18:21I can almost see my house.

00:18:23Just get in the fucking car.

00:18:25You got to make the cops come.

00:18:27Get in the fucking car.

00:18:28I swear to God,

00:18:29just get in the fucking car.

00:18:31Oh, take your seatbelt off,

00:18:33you fucking Mary.

00:18:34I'm going right down the street.

00:18:36Right?

00:18:38And then what happens?

00:18:39You get out on the road.

00:18:41You realize you're way more hammered

00:18:43than you thought.

00:18:44Who was always there for you?

00:18:46McDonald's with the drive-thru.

00:18:48The 24-hour drive-thru.

00:18:50You could just pull in

00:18:51and hide in plain sight.

00:18:53Right?

00:18:54And that little sad traffic jam

00:18:56of divorcees,

00:18:58shut-ins,

00:18:59people who go to Comic-Con.

00:19:01Right?

00:19:01You just pull in

00:19:03and just stop.

00:19:05You could take a little nap.

00:19:08It's like,

00:19:09damn, thank you!

00:19:10Thank you!

00:19:11Right?

00:19:13You pull around.

00:19:14That's what it was all about.

00:19:16And all of a sudden,

00:19:17they're the reason

00:19:18this country's out of shape.

00:19:19You know?

00:19:20They've had McDonald's my whole life.

00:19:21People weren't this fucking fat.

00:19:23Right?

00:19:23It's not their fault.

00:19:25You can't pin it on them.

00:19:25But McDonald's fucked up.

00:19:27They fucked up

00:19:28because they gave in

00:19:29to out-of-shape people.

00:19:30And they said,

00:19:30all right, fine, fine.

00:19:31It's our fault.

00:19:32We'll start making salads.

00:19:33And then they got on their heels.

00:19:34They got on their heels.

00:19:36Everybody sensed it.

00:19:37And now look at them.

00:19:38Okay?

00:19:38Four or five years later,

00:19:39now they've got to make breakfast

00:19:41all day.

00:19:42Right?

00:19:44Because you know what happened.

00:19:45All the potheads showed up

00:19:46going,

00:19:46well, hey, man,

00:19:47if you're going to make him a salad,

00:19:49like what if I want

00:19:51like a breakfast thingy

00:19:52and it's not breakfast,

00:19:54like you're going to hook him up

00:19:56but you're not going to hook me up?

00:19:58That's like food racism

00:20:00or something, man.

00:20:01I just don't understand.

00:20:03Like, fine,

00:20:03we'll start making,

00:20:04we'll make the breakfast.

00:20:05They just completely lost their way.

00:20:08I swear to God, dude,

00:20:09if I was running that corporation,

00:20:10this is what I would do.

00:20:11You know what I would do?

00:20:11I'd bring that clown back.

00:20:13All right?

00:20:16I'd bring the clown back, okay?

00:20:17And I just have that thing,

00:20:18just look right down

00:20:19the barrel of the camera,

00:20:21have a little bit of dry ice

00:20:22in the background,

00:20:23you just come right in tight

00:20:24on his face.

00:20:26And he just looks right in the camera

00:20:28and just goes,

00:20:28look,

00:20:30if you can't get your fat ass down here

00:20:33by 10.30 in the morning,

00:20:35you're getting a burger.

00:20:38All right?

00:20:45The clown ain't finished.

00:20:50I'm not making pancakes

00:20:51at 3 o'clock in the afternoon

00:20:53because you did blow all night

00:20:54with your friends

00:20:55and you're just getting

00:20:56your shit together.

00:20:57All right?

00:20:58Make no mistake,

00:20:59this is a burger joint.

00:21:00It's always been a burger joint.

00:21:02We did that breakfast thing

00:21:03as a favor, you know?

00:21:04We were just trying

00:21:05to freak out IHOP.

00:21:06Ooh, ooh,

00:21:06we're doing it too.

00:21:07We're doing it too.

00:21:09Your own mother

00:21:10won't make your pancakes

00:21:11at 3 o'clock in the afternoon.

00:21:13Okay?

00:21:14So get your fat ass

00:21:15or your drugged up ass

00:21:16down here before 10.30.

00:21:18We decide.

00:21:18It's our place.

00:21:19We tell you what the fuck

00:21:20we're making.

00:21:20All right?

00:21:21That's it.

00:21:23Take him out.

00:21:24And he pushes a kid

00:21:25on his swing.

00:21:26Something nice.

00:21:29So,

00:21:30anyways,

00:21:30by the time this special comes out,

00:21:32another election

00:21:33will have come and gone.

00:21:34It's just,

00:21:37God knows who we picked

00:21:38and it's another one.

00:21:39They're not going to

00:21:39fucking talk about anything.

00:21:40Oceans are dying.

00:21:42They just said

00:21:42the Great Barrier Reef

00:21:43is dead.

00:21:44You know?

00:21:45Genetically altered food.

00:21:46There's too many

00:21:47fucking people.

00:21:48I don't even know what.

00:21:49They're just talking

00:21:49about a bunch of shit.

00:21:50You know?

00:21:52Bruce has to drop a deuce.

00:21:54Where's he going to go?

00:21:55Which bathroom

00:21:56should this guy in?

00:21:57It's like,

00:21:57I don't give a shit.

00:21:58This guy has enough money

00:21:59to literally have

00:22:00a port-a-potty rickshaw

00:22:02running behind him.

00:22:07How are you going to eliminate

00:22:11a couple billion

00:22:12fucking people?

00:22:16You never think

00:22:17about that shit?

00:22:19You know,

00:22:19they never talk to us

00:22:20about it.

00:22:21You know they talk about it

00:22:21behind closed doors,

00:22:22right?

00:22:25A bunch of creepy dudes

00:22:26all sitting around

00:22:27some giant table,

00:22:28right?

00:22:29They probably talk about it then,

00:22:31just sitting down after like,

00:22:32I trust everyone

00:22:33had their fun.

00:22:39Let's get down

00:22:40to the task at hand.

00:22:43There are over

00:22:447.5 billion people

00:22:46on the planet.

00:22:48We're running out

00:22:49of fresh water.

00:22:51There won't be enough

00:22:52chicken to feed the others.

00:22:57Does anyone here

00:22:58have any suggestions?

00:23:01on how to eliminate

00:23:02the pressures

00:23:03of the undesirables.

00:23:07Ah, yes, you.

00:23:09Number four.

00:23:12You may speak.

00:23:15Well, you know,

00:23:16what if we like

00:23:18slowly cooked him

00:23:19at the airport?

00:23:20You know?

00:23:23You know,

00:23:24just throwing it out there.

00:23:25What if you had like

00:23:25a revolving door

00:23:26looking thing?

00:23:27You made them

00:23:28take their shoes off,

00:23:29they got in

00:23:30and they stood up

00:23:31like that.

00:23:32And you just

00:23:33radiate them

00:23:34from head to toe

00:23:35once on the way out,

00:23:36once on the way back.

00:23:38Oh, yes, yes.

00:23:39I like that.

00:23:40I like the sound of that.

00:23:42And how would that work?

00:23:43Would you have it

00:23:43on low at first?

00:23:44Sear them like a tuna steak?

00:23:46They don't understand.

00:23:47You let the children go.

00:23:48We'll use them

00:23:49for slaves later, right?

00:23:51No old people.

00:23:52They'll die soon.

00:23:52Just people in the prime

00:23:53of their life.

00:23:54And gradually over the years,

00:23:56you increase it.

00:23:57You increase it,

00:23:57they start frothing

00:23:58at the mouth.

00:23:59They don't recognize

00:23:59the children.

00:24:00The property

00:24:01comes back to us.

00:24:05Oh.

00:24:07I trust everyone

00:24:08at this table

00:24:08flies private.

00:24:09Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

00:24:11Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.

00:24:16Dude, my wife thinks

00:24:17I'm out of my mind

00:24:17because I think shit like that.

00:24:21But I think I'm right.

00:24:23Dude, I know

00:24:24they think about it.

00:24:26I know they think about it

00:24:27because I think about it.

00:24:28Every time I land in a city

00:24:29and it's 2 o'clock

00:24:30in the afternoon,

00:24:31I'm just driving

00:24:31down the street

00:24:32and I see all these,

00:24:33I'm in the middle

00:24:33of a fucking traffic jam.

00:24:35That inner Mussolini

00:24:36comes out of me, right?

00:24:37Like, what are all

00:24:38these people doing

00:24:39in my road?

00:24:41They must be eliminated.

00:24:45I don't know.

00:24:46Like, how do you

00:24:47not fucking bring it up?

00:24:48Is it because it would

00:24:48freak everybody out?

00:24:50You know,

00:24:50that you have to start

00:24:51maybe taking some measures

00:24:55to start thinning out

00:24:56the herd?

00:24:57You feel that creepability?

00:24:58That's right.

00:24:59That's right, yeah.

00:25:00And what do you think, dude?

00:25:01You think you're gonna...

00:25:03You think you're

00:25:04in the fucking upper tier?

00:25:05You're in the luxury boxes?

00:25:07Yeah.

00:25:08You spend a lot of time

00:25:09with yourself.

00:25:10You're doing a lot of nodding.

00:25:11I like what I think.

00:25:13I like what I think a lot.

00:25:15What I think is the way

00:25:16it should be.

00:25:17I understand what that's like.

00:25:19I live this fucking

00:25:20isolated life, man.

00:25:21I go on the road.

00:25:22I'm in green rooms

00:25:23and I just fucking,

00:25:24you know,

00:25:25I'm just by myself

00:25:26all the time.

00:25:26You slowly go fucking crazy.

00:25:28I did a gig recently.

00:25:29I was in Ireland

00:25:30and I was in the green room

00:25:31by myself

00:25:31and I went to turn

00:25:32on the light.

00:25:33It was one of those

00:25:33pull switches

00:25:33and it wound up

00:25:35around itself.

00:25:35Looked like a little noose

00:25:36and I immediately just thought,

00:25:37what if I just stuck

00:25:38my head in there

00:25:39and just...

00:25:41and just turned

00:25:42the lights out

00:25:43literally and figuratively.

00:25:46Was not thinking

00:25:47about killing myself

00:25:48at all the second

00:25:48I thought,

00:25:49what if I just fucking

00:25:50did that?

00:25:51And then I looked

00:25:52in the mirror,

00:25:53I caught my eye

00:25:54and we both laughed.

00:25:56Yeah.

00:25:57I had this wonderful

00:25:58little moment

00:25:58with myself.

00:25:59No words needed

00:26:00to be spoken,

00:26:01you know?

00:26:04Yeah.

00:26:05So I think about

00:26:06the population

00:26:06all the time

00:26:07as you've been telling

00:26:08on my specials.

00:26:09I'm always talking about it

00:26:10and I think I got the plan

00:26:12because I know...

00:26:13No, no, no.

00:26:13Wait till you hear

00:26:14the plan first

00:26:15because a lot of people

00:26:15are going to die

00:26:18before you start

00:26:19hooting and hollering.

00:26:22Everybody thinks

00:26:22they're going to

00:26:23fucking make it, right?

00:26:25This is how you do it.

00:26:26This is how I would do it.

00:26:27Okay, first of all,

00:26:28you got to become

00:26:28a dictator, okay?

00:26:30Because it's too late

00:26:30to try to be like,

00:26:31well, hey, man,

00:26:32maybe just have a couple.

00:26:33It's too fucking late.

00:26:34Someone's got to have

00:26:35the balls

00:26:35to take out the sickle.

00:26:38Start chopping some heads.

00:26:41So, here's my idea.

00:26:43I become dictator.

00:26:44When you become dictator,

00:26:45obviously you got to

00:26:45murder everybody in power,

00:26:47right?

00:26:47From the head

00:26:48all the way down

00:26:49to their goldfish.

00:26:50You got to kill

00:26:50everyone in the family

00:26:51so they don't come back

00:26:53for their revenge

00:26:53like in Godfather 2

00:26:55or every karate movie

00:26:56you've ever seen, right?

00:26:57You got to do it

00:26:58the way the Russians did it

00:26:59where you don't find

00:27:00the skulls

00:27:01for a hundred fucking years.

00:27:02That's the way you do it.

00:27:03Then you take control

00:27:04of the media.

00:27:04I keep all you guys

00:27:06media blacked out.

00:27:07You don't know

00:27:07what's going on

00:27:08unless I want you

00:27:09to know it, right?

00:27:10Big pictures of me.

00:27:11You got to sing songs

00:27:12about me.

00:27:12If there's no passion in it,

00:27:14a black van pulls up

00:27:15and you're never seen

00:27:16from again, all right?

00:27:18Figured three to six months

00:27:19of that,

00:27:20everybody gets on

00:27:20the same page

00:27:21and that's when

00:27:22I'd start thinning it out.

00:27:24This is how I would do it.

00:27:26I would just start

00:27:26randomly sinking cruise ships.

00:27:31Just hear me out.

00:27:32It's the way to go.

00:27:34It's the way to go.

00:27:36You get 2,500

00:27:38to 3,000 people a whack

00:27:41and I think it's a really

00:27:42good mix of people

00:27:43to get rid of.

00:27:45You know?

00:27:46Think about the kinds

00:27:48of people

00:27:48that take a cruise.

00:27:51These aren't forward thinkers.

00:27:53These aren't seekers.

00:27:55They're not pivotal

00:27:56to our survival.

00:27:59You ever hear somebody

00:28:01coming back from a cruise?

00:28:02It's one of the worst stories

00:28:03you're ever going to hear

00:28:05because they don't do shit.

00:28:06They don't want to travel

00:28:07to another country,

00:28:09interact with the new culture,

00:28:10try to figure out

00:28:11the train system

00:28:11or the money.

00:28:12All they want to do

00:28:13is just sit on a fucking boat.

00:28:16Just drinking.

00:28:17That's all they want to do.

00:28:19All right?

00:28:19Worst story you'll ever hear.

00:28:21Hey, how was your cruise?

00:28:22Oh, it was great.

00:28:23I was fucking laying there.

00:28:26There was a DJ over here

00:28:28on the one and the two

00:28:29wooka-wooka thing, right?

00:28:31And then they had

00:28:32this chocolate fountain.

00:28:34It was like a fountain

00:28:36where it was chocolate.

00:28:38And you stuck the toothpick

00:28:40in the food

00:28:40and you stuck it

00:28:41in the chocolate

00:28:42and you stuck it

00:28:44in your mouth

00:28:45and you'd be like,

00:28:46I want another drink.

00:28:47And they bring it all.

00:28:48You drink it.

00:28:49It dribbles down

00:28:50and it gathers in your navel

00:28:52and you punch yourself.

00:28:54You get it in your mouth.

00:28:56Then every day around noon

00:28:58we line up for lunch.

00:28:59What's for lunch?

00:29:00We don't know.

00:29:01We don't make decisions.

00:29:02Whatever they give us.

00:29:04I like all-inclusive.

00:29:06You just have to think once.

00:29:07Can I write that number

00:29:08on this piece of paper?

00:29:10All right.

00:29:10Tell me where to go.

00:29:13I'm telling you,

00:29:14if you guys could just get past

00:29:15the humanity

00:29:16of what I am suggesting.

00:29:19If you could just get past it

00:29:21and maybe lose

00:29:22a couple of friends

00:29:23here or there,

00:29:25I'm telling you,

00:29:26you wouldn't miss them.

00:29:28You wouldn't miss them.

00:29:29You know when you'd miss them?

00:29:30When you went to a baseball game

00:29:32and there wasn't those

00:29:32hundred people

00:29:33in the upper deck

00:29:34trying to get the wave going.

00:29:35Right?

00:29:39You wouldn't have people

00:29:40getting mad

00:29:40because someone's

00:29:41sitting down during a song

00:29:42like,

00:29:42that's offensive to me

00:29:44even though I don't know

00:29:45the issue.

00:29:46Right?

00:29:47Nashville,

00:29:48a little pulled back

00:29:49on that one.

00:29:49A little pulled back.

00:29:53It's about police brutality.

00:29:55It has nothing to do

00:29:56with you

00:29:56and your beautiful

00:29:57white world

00:29:58and mine.

00:29:58Right?

00:29:59Just let it go.

00:30:00I don't give a fuck

00:30:01if you watched

00:30:01every episode

00:30:02of McHale's Navy.

00:30:03This is still not about you.

00:30:05It's not a military issue.

00:30:10I'm telling you,

00:30:11you wouldn't fucking miss them.

00:30:12And this is the deal.

00:30:13All right?

00:30:13I wouldn't just give the order

00:30:15to start sinking

00:30:16these cruise ships

00:30:16and then retire

00:30:17to my chambers

00:30:18with my mistresses

00:30:18and my whores.

00:30:19Right?

00:30:21Just banging away

00:30:22wearing the whole uniform.

00:30:23The whole dictator uniform.

00:30:25Everything except

00:30:26for the pants.

00:30:27Right?

00:30:28Compression socks

00:30:29with sock garters

00:30:30just banging away.

00:30:32My unearned medals

00:30:33just clanging off

00:30:34my chest.

00:30:36The big thing

00:30:37is to see how long

00:30:37I could fucking

00:30:38keep the hat on

00:30:39like,

00:30:39yeah,

00:30:40yeah,

00:30:40yeah.

00:30:42Nah,

00:30:43I can't do that.

00:30:44That breeds resentment

00:30:45amongst your men.

00:30:46You gotta lead them

00:30:46into battle.

00:30:47And I would.

00:30:48I would.

00:30:49I'd have my own sub.

00:30:50All right?

00:30:51I'd have my own sub

00:30:52and I would hunt

00:30:53these cruise ships

00:30:53on a moonlit summer night.

00:30:56That's right.

00:30:57On a moonlit summer night

00:30:58when sound carries,

00:31:00you know?

00:31:01You know those summer nights

00:31:02when your neighbor's

00:31:02talking about you,

00:31:03doesn't think you can hear them,

00:31:04you're sitting on your porch

00:31:05going like,

00:31:06oh yeah,

00:31:06is that how it is?

00:31:08So that's how it is,

00:31:09right?

00:31:10One of those nights.

00:31:13And I'd be a sport about it.

00:31:15I'd surface before I did it.

00:31:16I'm armed,

00:31:17they're not,

00:31:17it's only fair,

00:31:18right?

00:31:19They see me,

00:31:20I give them a little wink,

00:31:20a little nod.

00:31:22I'd have a little

00:31:22Red Baron class.

00:31:23All right,

00:31:23get the fuck out of here,

00:31:24right?

00:31:25But if you didn't see me,

00:31:26it'd be game on.

00:31:27And every moonlit summer night,

00:31:29every summer,

00:31:29I'd go out to harvest,

00:31:30right?

00:31:30That would be the deal.

00:31:31I would just surface,

00:31:33whoosh!

00:31:41And listen for the music,

00:31:44yeah?

00:32:00And fire one.

00:32:13Dude,

00:32:14look at my arm

00:32:14on this tank top.

00:32:25And then you cruise over,

00:32:27you strafe all the survivors.

00:32:40We'll bring it around!

00:32:56That would be it.

00:32:572,500 to 3,000 less people.

00:33:01And you want the greatest thing?

00:33:02No,

00:33:02it's all underwater.

00:33:03All the evidence is gone.

00:33:05All the evidence is gone.

00:33:06Every mass murderer

00:33:07throughout time

00:33:08is fucked up.

00:33:09They did it on land.

00:33:11You're going to get caught.

00:33:13Where are you going to put

00:33:14all of that,

00:33:14right?

00:33:15You do it out to sea.

00:33:17It all goes under,

00:33:18you know?

00:33:19Nobody knows.

00:33:19I don't know what happened.

00:33:20I have no idea,

00:33:22right?

00:33:22No evidence.

00:33:24No evidence.

00:33:25Maybe,

00:33:25maybe like a flip-flop,

00:33:27right?

00:33:29Like an Ed Hardy shirt

00:33:31just floating by.

00:33:34I'm controlling the media.

00:33:36Nobody knows about it,

00:33:37right?

00:33:37And as I sank the ships,

00:33:38I would be building

00:33:39exact replicas

00:33:40at the same time,

00:33:42right?

00:33:42So I'd be eliminating people

00:33:43while creating jobs.

00:33:45You guys have no fucking idea

00:33:47what's going on,

00:33:48only you just realize,

00:33:49like,

00:33:49wow, man,

00:33:50the traffic's easing up.

00:33:51I'm getting into third gear

00:33:52at five o'clock at night.

00:33:53This is crazy.

00:33:55This is amazing.

00:33:56I don't know what's going on,

00:33:57but this bill guy's all right.

00:33:58You know,

00:33:58another buddy of mine

00:33:59got a job building ships.

00:34:00Can you fucking believe that?

00:34:02That industry,

00:34:02it's just blowing up.

00:34:04It's crazy.

00:34:05Dude,

00:34:06I want to get a job down there.

00:34:07They're paying great,

00:34:08you know,

00:34:08make a little extra money.

00:34:09Then,

00:34:09yeah,

00:34:09who knows?

00:34:10Maybe you and me

00:34:10take a cruise.

00:34:11We'll have a good time,

00:34:12right?

00:34:12Get out there.

00:34:14That's how it would work.

00:34:16That's how

00:34:17my ethnic cleansing

00:34:18would work.

00:34:21It wouldn't be based

00:34:23on race or religion.

00:34:25It'd just be based

00:34:26based on people

00:34:26dumb enough

00:34:27to think that

00:34:27taking a cruise

00:34:28is actually traveling.

00:34:31Technically,

00:34:32you're traveling,

00:34:33you know,

00:34:33but what are you seeing?

00:34:34Just a bunch,

00:34:35look at the water.

00:34:36Oh, my God.

00:34:37You can tell

00:34:38that's the Atlantic Ocean.

00:34:39That definitely

00:34:40does not look like

00:34:40the Pacific Ocean.

00:34:44So,

00:34:45yeah,

00:34:45look,

00:34:45admittedly,

00:34:46I'm a fucking psycho.

00:34:48And,

00:34:48I am.

00:34:49Dude,

00:34:50I have dreams.

00:34:50I had a dream

00:34:51two years ago

00:34:52that still haunts me.

00:34:53You know?

00:34:54You ever have one

00:34:54of those dreams

00:34:55where you think

00:34:55you woke up

00:34:56but you didn't?

00:34:57You know?

00:34:57You're just sitting up

00:34:58and it feels like your house.

00:34:59I had one of those dreams,

00:35:00right?

00:35:00So,

00:35:01I just,

00:35:01I sat up in bed

00:35:02and I looked over

00:35:03and there was this little girl

00:35:04in the corner of the room,

00:35:04no idea who she was.

00:35:05She was like three,

00:35:06four years old

00:35:07and she was talking to me

00:35:08but I couldn't understand

00:35:09what she was saying.

00:35:10She was just standing

00:35:11in the corner

00:35:11just going,

00:35:12I was like,

00:35:16what?

00:35:18What did you say?

00:35:19I can't hear you,

00:35:20sweetheart.

00:35:20You got to come

00:35:21a little closer.

00:35:22She walked like

00:35:23halfway to the bed.

00:35:24She's like,

00:35:24nodding her head,

00:35:24just going,

00:35:28big like,

00:35:29the grudge eyes.

00:35:31I'm just like,

00:35:31you got to come closer.

00:35:32She walks all the way

00:35:33up to the bed.

00:35:34I was just like,

00:35:34I couldn't hear you,

00:35:35sweetheart.

00:35:35What did you say?

00:35:36What did you say?

00:35:36And she just nods

00:35:37and just goes,

00:35:38you're going to kill yourself.

00:35:40I just sat up like,

00:35:41no, I'm not.

00:35:45No, I am not.

00:35:47My wife wakes up,

00:35:48what's the matter?

00:35:48I'm like,

00:35:48I just had like

00:35:49the most scary dream

00:35:50I've ever had in my life.

00:35:51It was horrible.

00:35:52She's like,

00:35:53was I in it?

00:35:54No,

00:35:55you self-centered jackass.

00:35:57Jesus Christ.

00:35:59Not everything

00:35:59is about you,

00:36:00sweetheart.

00:36:01I love you

00:36:01but it's not all about you.

00:36:03Now shut up.

00:36:04I tried to go to sleep

00:36:05in the same position

00:36:06so I'd run into

00:36:07that little girl again

00:36:08so I could just be like,

00:36:09look, you little shit.

00:36:10You don't go around

00:36:10saying that to people.

00:36:13Now I'm not going

00:36:14to kill myself.

00:36:16I don't know

00:36:16what that dream meant,

00:36:17you know,

00:36:17because you dream

00:36:18in metaphors, man.

00:36:19You know,

00:36:20I don't know.

00:36:21It just freaks me out though,

00:36:22you know.

00:36:23Disturbs my wife and shit

00:36:24but, you know,

00:36:25there is one good thing

00:36:25about being a psycho,

00:36:27you know.

00:36:27One of the great things

00:36:28about being a psycho

00:36:29is you can spot

00:36:30another psycho

00:36:31from a mile away.

00:36:32You know,

00:36:33that's a really great thing.

00:36:35I can spot them.

00:36:36You know,

00:36:36it's in the eyes.

00:36:38Never look at the costume.

00:36:40Nice people

00:36:40look at the costume.

00:36:42They'll see somebody

00:36:42in like dad jeans,

00:36:44you know,

00:36:44pushing their kid

00:36:45on the swing,

00:36:46you know,

00:36:46the whole nerdy sweater.

00:36:47Hey, how you doing?

00:36:49You believe the summer's

00:36:50already over?

00:36:50I mean,

00:36:51this is crazy, right?

00:36:52Oh, this one here,

00:36:54this one here

00:36:54has got me running around,

00:36:56you know.

00:36:56She's running the house.

00:36:57She's running the house.

00:37:00People are always like,

00:37:01oh my God,

00:37:02he's so nice.

00:37:04Such a great family man

00:37:05and I'm just sitting

00:37:06thinking in my head like,

00:37:06dude,

00:37:07that guy is a fucking psycho.

00:37:09He's a psycho.

00:37:10Look at his eyes.

00:37:11You don't see that?

00:37:12That dude is barely hanging on.

00:37:14He is white-knuckling it

00:37:16through all the shit

00:37:16he thinks he's supposed to do.

00:37:18All that fucking guy needs,

00:37:19all he needs,

00:37:20he just needs a little nudge.

00:37:21That's it,

00:37:22just a little nudge.

00:37:24You have no idea

00:37:25what that guy's capable of.

00:37:26I would not want to see

00:37:27the hard drive

00:37:27of that man's computer.

00:37:29I'm telling you.

00:37:32Yeah, so,

00:37:33I do it all the time.

00:37:35I'm pretty good at it,

00:37:35picking out psychos

00:37:36and it drives my wife nuts.

00:37:38Like, I remember,

00:37:38she was one of the first people

00:37:39that got into Kanye West, right?

00:37:41The great Kanye West,

00:37:42everybody loves him and stuff, right?

00:37:43Oh, shut up.

00:37:44Jesus Christ,

00:37:45why did I come to Nashville?

00:37:46Boo, it's a black artist.

00:37:47You're bringing it up

00:37:48in the rhyming.

00:37:49What the fuck?

00:37:50It's the Grand Ole Opry, man.

00:37:53It's not MTV raps.

00:37:57But I'm stereotyping you.

00:37:58I'm acting like

00:37:58because you're from the South

00:37:59that automatically you're racist.

00:38:00Like, all the racists

00:38:01are just down here.

00:38:02That isn't true.

00:38:03They're, you know,

00:38:04they're all over the place.

00:38:08It's just different degrees.

00:38:10Right?

00:38:13Like me,

00:38:14I'm racist,

00:38:15like,

00:38:15at the end of the day.

00:38:16Like,

00:38:16I'm a great fucking guy.

00:38:18I don't give a shit

00:38:19who you are.

00:38:20In the morning,

00:38:20you're eating your cereal.

00:38:21Hey, how are you?

00:38:22What's going on?

00:38:23But as the sun starts

00:38:24to go down

00:38:25and the fear starts coming up,

00:38:27that's when you start

00:38:28thinking the worst of people.

00:38:29Right?

00:38:31I know.

00:38:32Nobody's going to be honest.

00:38:33I don't give a fuck

00:38:34who you are.

00:38:3612 midnight

00:38:36in a parking garage

00:38:38by yourself.

00:38:39Whatever is walking at you,

00:38:40there's no happy thoughts.

00:38:43You're not thinking like,

00:38:44oh, that guy,

00:38:44he just,

00:38:45he's probably,

00:38:45he's probably building

00:38:46a website.

00:38:47You're not thinking that.

00:38:50That dude's going to cut me up,

00:38:51eat me,

00:38:52whatever he doesn't eat,

00:38:53he's going to fuck.

00:38:54That's what you think.

00:38:55Right?

00:38:56All right?

00:38:57But if you do that at night,

00:38:58that's normal,

00:38:59I think,

00:39:00because it's fear.

00:39:01It's the people at breakfast

00:39:02that are already

00:39:03just sitting there

00:39:04like fucking Jews.

00:39:05You know?

00:39:06That's when you've got an issue.

00:39:09So,

00:39:10so anyways,

00:39:13but I just got to do this.

00:39:14You know,

00:39:14when you talk about race

00:39:14and that type of shit,

00:39:15you know,

00:39:15as a white dude,

00:39:16you just got to go easy.

00:39:17You know?

00:39:17Because very easily

00:39:18it starts feeling like a meeting.

00:39:19You know?

00:39:20Whenever I start hearing like,

00:39:21yeah,

00:39:21all right,

00:39:22woo!

00:39:23That's all good.

00:39:23All right,

00:39:24I got to pull back a little bit.

00:39:25People aren't seeing what I'm saying.

00:39:27I wore a country shirt.

00:39:29Things are getting a little off the rails here.

00:39:31Can I get back to Kanye West?

00:39:33Half of you probably downloaded his shit.

00:39:35All right?

00:39:35All right,

00:39:36here we go.

00:39:37So my wife got freaked out

00:39:38because I told him like,

00:39:39she was,

00:39:39early on,

00:39:40she was loving the guy.

00:39:41And I was thinking,

00:39:42you know,

00:39:42thinking he was cool.

00:39:43And then one day I saw him do an interview

00:39:44and he was talking shit about how great he was

00:39:46and there was just this look

00:39:47that was in his eye

00:39:48and it just made me nervous.

00:39:49I'm like,

00:39:50dude,

00:39:50this guy is,

00:39:51this guy is like,

00:39:52this guy's volatile, man.

00:39:53There's something with this guy.

00:39:55He's making me nervous.

00:39:57This guy is like right on the edge

00:39:59of like snapping, right?

00:40:00She goes,

00:40:01you're out of your mind.

00:40:02And I was thinking,

00:40:02I don't know.

00:40:03I don't know.

00:40:03I think this guy's fucked up.

00:40:04And then I was convinced

00:40:05because one day I came walking in

00:40:07and she was listening to him

00:40:08do an interview

00:40:08and I didn't know it was him.

00:40:09And he was just in the middle

00:40:10of talking about how great he was

00:40:11and I came walking in

00:40:13and all I did was hear this shit

00:40:14and like literally a chill

00:40:16ran down my spine

00:40:17and I just started thinking like,

00:40:18no,

00:40:19no,

00:40:20no.

00:40:21And I turned

00:40:21and I looked

00:40:22before it even registered

00:40:23that it was Kanye.

00:40:24My first thought was,

00:40:25oh,

00:40:25thank God.

00:40:26Oh,

00:40:26thank God.

00:40:27It's just a black guy.

00:40:29Oh.

00:40:31Thank God.

00:40:34It's just a black guy.

00:40:36Yeah,

00:40:36you're right to pull back.

00:40:39This is right to get awkward here

00:40:40because you don't know

00:40:41where this could go.

00:40:42This could very easily

00:40:43go in a clannish direction.

00:40:45Okay?

00:40:47So just let me clarify.

00:40:49Just hear me out.

00:40:50I'm thinking,

00:40:51thank God it's a black guy.

00:40:53Meaning,

00:40:53thank God that ego

00:40:55that is in him

00:40:56when that thing floated down

00:40:57from the heavens

00:40:58or the cosmos,

00:40:59whatever the hell

00:41:00Joel Osteen shit

00:41:02you believe.

00:41:03All right?

00:41:04When that thing

00:41:05was floating down,

00:41:06it could have landed

00:41:07in anybody.

00:41:08Thank God

00:41:09it landed in a black guy.

00:41:11Thank God

00:41:12it got wrapped up in that,

00:41:14trapped within that.

00:41:16It's safe in there.

00:41:18No reason to worry

00:41:20when it's in there

00:41:21because if that ego,

00:41:22however,

00:41:23had floated down

00:41:25and landed in a blue-eyed

00:41:27white dude,

00:41:28there is no telling

00:41:29the damage

00:41:30that could have been done.

00:41:32You're talking

00:41:33entire civilizations

00:41:34wiped out,

00:41:36worldwide famine,

00:41:37the moon colliding

00:41:38with the earth.

00:41:40Thank God

00:41:40that ego landed

00:41:42in a black guy

00:41:44because he's just as nuts

00:41:46as some of the craziest

00:41:47white dudes of all time.

00:41:49He just doesn't have

00:41:49the opportunity

00:41:50to follow through

00:41:52with the madness.

00:41:53Right?

00:41:54Yeah,

00:41:55there's a glass ceiling

00:41:56on evil.

00:41:57You never notice that?

00:42:00Dude,

00:42:01go home,

00:42:01put on the History Channel.

00:42:03Like,

00:42:03the top nine

00:42:04out of ten

00:42:04most batshit crazy dudes

00:42:06who ever walked the earth

00:42:08are all white dudes.

00:42:09Now,

00:42:10why is that?

00:42:10Because white dudes

00:42:11are more evil

00:42:12than anybody else?

00:42:13It's a possibility.

00:42:15It's a possibility.

00:42:16We definitely

00:42:17got the numbers.

00:42:19But I think

00:42:20it's different.

00:42:21I just think,

00:42:21you know what it is?

00:42:22Nobody's watching

00:42:23white dudes.

00:42:24Right?

00:42:24White dudes don't.

00:42:25Too many of them gather

00:42:26and somebody pulls up.

00:42:27All right,

00:42:27break it up.

00:42:28Keep it moving.

00:42:29Get out of here.

00:42:30Getting pulled over

00:42:31for no fucking reason.

00:42:32None of that shit.

00:42:33You're a white dude.

00:42:34It's just an open field.

00:42:36Anything you think,

00:42:37hey,

00:42:37I'm going to do that.

00:42:38No one's stopping you.

00:42:39You just,

00:42:39yeah,

00:42:40you just start running.

00:42:42Next thing you know,

00:42:43you're handing out buttons.

00:42:44You got your own uniform.

00:42:46You're starting

00:42:47a fucking war.

00:42:48Right?

00:42:49All Kanye West

00:42:51is allowed to do

00:42:51is fuck up an award show

00:42:53every three to four years.

00:42:56Make a public service announcement

00:42:58a little awkward

00:42:58for Mike Myers.

00:43:00That's as far

00:43:01as he's ever going to get.

00:43:06I know,

00:43:07I know.

00:43:07You don't believe me.

00:43:08Dude,

00:43:08okay.

00:43:09Next time Kanye's

00:43:10going off on himself,

00:43:11I'm telling you,

00:43:11just close your eyes,

00:43:13forget it's him,

00:43:13and really listen

00:43:15to what is coming

00:43:16out of this guy's mouth.

00:43:17He says shit like,

00:43:18I'm a genius.

00:43:20I'm a god.

00:43:21I'm Shakespeare.

00:43:22My biggest regret

00:43:23is I'll never get

00:43:24to see myself

00:43:25perform live.

00:43:28That's a direct quote.

00:43:29My biggest regret

00:43:30is I'll never get

00:43:31to see myself

00:43:32perform live.

00:43:33Dude,

00:43:34you put that ego

00:43:35in a white dude

00:43:36that is,

00:43:36Ich bin einen in der Streisen

00:43:37und zu Blitzkrieg

00:43:39und zu Superiores.

00:43:44Vienna will return

00:43:45to Deutschland first.

00:43:52No,

00:43:53I'm telling you,

00:43:53but we're okay.

00:43:54We're okay.

00:43:55It's in a black eye.

00:43:58Nothing's going to happen.

00:44:00You never notice

00:44:01that shit?

00:44:02Crazy black guys,

00:44:03the far as they can get,

00:44:05they can just freak

00:44:06people out on the subway.

00:44:07They can stand

00:44:08on a street corner

00:44:09with their book

00:44:10and their friends

00:44:11just yelling

00:44:11about white people.

00:44:12These people,

00:44:13they got tails.

00:44:14The motherfuckers

00:44:14got tails.

00:44:15They're evil.

00:44:15He just crossed the street.

00:44:17That's it.

00:44:19In a perfect world,

00:44:21Hitler never would have

00:44:22made it past

00:44:23the subway level.

00:44:24That's as far

00:44:25as he ever would have got.

00:44:26You would have just

00:44:27been sitting on the train.

00:44:28What are you going to do tonight?

00:44:29I play a little fantasy football.

00:44:31I don't know.

00:44:31And the door just opened.

00:44:32He'd just come walking through.

00:44:33Once they should have

00:44:34some blue eyes

00:44:35and some blonde hair

00:44:36and the pubes like the sun.

00:44:38And you're just sitting there

00:44:39like, okay,

00:44:39just ignore him.

00:44:40Just ignore him.

00:44:41Let him pass through.

00:44:42Let him pass through.

00:44:42And he'd just walk

00:44:43into the other part

00:44:44of the train.

00:44:45Literally a world war.

00:44:47Just passing through.

00:44:49But he was a white dude.

00:44:50No one watched him

00:44:51and his hair was flopping around

00:44:53and nobody gave a fuck.

00:44:54All right?

00:44:57So that's kind of like

00:44:58the weird lesson

00:45:00that I learned

00:45:01with Kanye West.

00:45:03You know?

00:45:06Like every once in a while,

00:45:08racism works.

00:45:11Like 99.9% of the time,

00:45:14it's the ugliest thing

00:45:15we do to one another.

00:45:16But every once in a while,

00:45:17we get lucky

00:45:18and that marble,

00:45:19it just rolls

00:45:20into the right hole

00:45:21and we get off easy.

00:45:24We get off easy

00:45:25with that guy.

00:45:28I got to commend you guys.

00:45:29You did well

00:45:30with the Hitler reference.

00:45:32You did all right.

00:45:33Nothing quiets a room

00:45:34like dropping the H-bomb.

00:45:38You bring up Adolf Hitler,

00:45:40it gets fucking quiet

00:45:41to this day.

00:45:42This dude fucking,

00:45:43he died like, what,

00:45:4475 fucking years ago?

00:45:46Allegedly.

00:45:46You know?

00:45:48Some people think

00:45:49he went down

00:45:49to South America

00:45:50for the rest of his life.

00:45:54At this point,

00:45:55even if he lived,

00:45:55he's fucking dead.

00:45:56Right?

00:45:58We can go with that, right?

00:46:01But still,

00:46:02to this day though,

00:46:04even though he died,

00:46:04let's say,

00:46:0575 fucking years ago,

00:46:06he's still the benchmark

00:46:07for evil.

00:46:08Have you ever noticed that?

00:46:09He is the reference.

00:46:10Anytime you want to say

00:46:11somebody's evil,

00:46:11you just say,

00:46:12he is the next Hitler.

00:46:13Donald Trump,

00:46:14he's the next Hitler.

00:46:15Saddam Hussein,

00:46:16he's the next Hitler.

00:46:16It's always,

00:46:17he's the next Hitler.

00:46:18Okay?

00:46:19I don't know what the fuck

00:46:20they used to say

00:46:21before Hitler came around.

00:46:22Right?

00:46:23He's the next Genghis Khan.

00:46:25He's the next Napoleon.

00:46:26I don't know.

00:46:27Ivan the Terrible.

00:46:28I don't know what they said.

00:46:29But whatever they used to say,

00:46:30he wiped them all out.

00:46:31He was so fucked up,

00:46:33it's like what they did

00:46:34didn't even exist anymore.

00:46:36Right?

00:46:37It's like when Michael Jordan

00:46:38came into the NBA.

00:46:40He was so fucking good.

00:46:42But he wiped out everyone.

00:46:44No one ever goes,

00:46:45he's the next Dr. J.

00:46:47He's the next Wilt.

00:46:48No one says that.

00:46:49It's always,

00:46:49he's the next Mike.

00:46:51Right?

00:46:52Adolf Hitler is the Michael Jordan

00:46:55of evil.

00:46:57He is.

00:46:58Like Nike literally

00:47:00should have made him

00:47:00a sneaker.

00:47:01Like a giant fucking boot.

00:47:03You know,

00:47:04it's all stiff around your knees

00:47:05so you get that walk

00:47:06going down.

00:47:07Right?

00:47:08Like if there was

00:47:09an evil Hall of Fame,

00:47:11you gotta put Hitler in.

00:47:13He's first ballot

00:47:14Hall of Fame evil.

00:47:16Okay?

00:47:17Undeniable stats.

00:47:18He's got the career numbers.

00:47:21You know?

00:47:21Six to nine million dingers.

00:47:23You're getting in.

00:47:26You're getting in.

00:47:29People,

00:47:29it's a sports analogy.

00:47:31I'm not advocating

00:47:32what the man did.

00:47:33Can we all be adults here?

00:47:35Alright?

00:47:36Am I gonna be

00:47:37on a split screen

00:47:38tomorrow morning

00:47:39with some blogger

00:47:40on some good morning

00:47:42Nashville show?

00:47:45Comedy.

00:47:45Can it go too far?

00:47:47Last night

00:47:47at the Ryman Theater

00:47:50making fun of fat people

00:47:51sinking cruise ships

00:47:52was all fine.

00:47:53Suddenly,

00:47:54it took a horrible,

00:47:56horrible turn.

00:47:57Fortunately,

00:47:58local blogger

00:47:59Maggie Maggenhall

00:48:01was on the scene.

00:48:02Maggie,

00:48:03can you describe

00:48:04what you were subjected

00:48:06to

00:48:07during last night's

00:48:08horrible rant?

00:48:10Well,

00:48:11first of all,

00:48:11everybody who knows me

00:48:12knows I have a great

00:48:13sense of humor.

00:48:14I think this is funny.

00:48:16I think that is funny.

00:48:17But that last night,

00:48:18that was not funny.

00:48:22It always goes down

00:48:23like that.

00:48:23They always have to establish

00:48:24what a wonderful

00:48:25sense of humor

00:48:26they have.

00:48:29No,

00:48:29it's a sports analogy.

00:48:31Okay?

00:48:32Six to nine million.

00:48:33He got all of that one.

00:48:35He had power

00:48:36from both sides

00:48:36of the plate.

00:48:37He'd have his own

00:48:38fucking wing.

00:48:40Okay?

00:48:40But this is what kills me

00:48:41about Hitler.

00:48:42Killed six to nine million

00:48:43people.

00:48:44Meanwhile,

00:48:45Stalin killed

00:48:4620 to 25 million.

00:48:47Basically,

00:48:48over the exact

00:48:49same period.

00:48:50Okay?

00:48:50Yet,

00:48:51he cannot get arrested

00:48:52in the conversation

00:48:53of most fucked up dude

00:48:54who ever walked the planet.

00:48:56It's always,

00:48:56he's the next Hitler.

00:48:57He's the next Hitler.

00:48:58How many fucking people

00:49:00do you have to kill

00:49:01just to get a little

00:49:01shout out?

00:49:02A little tip of the cat?

00:49:04What do you think

00:49:05of this guy?

00:49:05It's always,

00:49:06he's the next Hitler.

00:49:07How about every once in a while?

00:49:08This guy,

00:49:08he's a little Stalin-esque.

00:49:09I see a little Jojo

00:49:11in this guy.

00:49:12Right?

00:49:13He almost tripled

00:49:14his fucking numbers.

00:49:17He gets brought up

00:49:18like he was a backup.

00:49:22Why don't his kills count?

00:49:24Does anybody,

00:49:25anybody,

00:49:26why doesn't his fucking

00:49:27kills count?

00:49:27I don't get,

00:49:28is it because he just

00:49:29looked like some regular guy,

00:49:30like your neighbor,

00:49:31you know,

00:49:32driving a little John Deere?

00:49:33Hey,

00:49:33I just killed

00:49:34a million Ukrainians.

00:49:35Meep, meep.

00:49:35Just drives around his yard.

00:49:38Is that what it is?

00:49:41I think it is.

00:49:42Hitler just,

00:49:42I don't know,

00:49:43he just looked the part.

00:49:44He's like,

00:49:44from central casting,

00:49:46you couldn't pick

00:49:47a more evil-looking dude.

00:49:49Like,

00:49:49go home tonight,

00:49:50Google pictures

00:49:50of Adolf Hitler.

00:49:52Get put on the same

00:49:53watch list

00:49:53that I'm on.

00:49:55All right?

00:49:57All right?

00:49:57I'm telling you,

00:49:58there's not one cute picture

00:50:00of that guy

00:50:00his whole life.

00:50:02It's just all pure evil.

00:50:03There's no, like,

00:50:04teenage, like,

00:50:04boy band years.

00:50:05Like,

00:50:08you Google a picture

00:50:09of Adolf as a baby.

00:50:11You look at that thing,

00:50:12you're like,

00:50:12dude,

00:50:12drown that fucking thing.

00:50:14Drown it.

00:50:15Take it down to the river,

00:50:16stick it under a rock.

00:50:17If you don't do it,

00:50:18I'm going to fucking do it.

00:50:19I swear to God,

00:50:19it's looking at me,

00:50:20I would kick it

00:50:21right in its baby chest

00:50:23and feel no guilt whatsoever.

00:50:26Dude,

00:50:26Hitler is actually so evil,

00:50:28he actually makes me

00:50:29want to learn

00:50:29how to speak German.

00:50:30You know what I mean?

00:50:32Because I just want to know,

00:50:33like,

00:50:33what the fuck

00:50:33was he saying

00:50:34to those people?

00:50:35Every speech,

00:50:36what's that?

00:50:37He's so clearly

00:50:38out of his fucking mind.

00:50:39It's got to be

00:50:40what he's saying.

00:50:42The fuck did he say?

00:50:44There's no way

00:50:45he said

00:50:46what he planned on doing

00:50:47from the get-go.

00:50:48Some unknown candidate,

00:50:50right,

00:50:51early on.

00:50:53Okay,

00:50:54our next speaker

00:50:55coming to the stage

00:50:58to possibly run Deutschland

00:51:00for the foreseeable future.

00:51:03His name is,

00:51:04oh dear,

00:51:05I left my glasses backstage.

00:51:07Is that Alan?

00:51:09Is it Alan?

00:51:10Oh, Adolf.

00:51:11Adolf.

00:51:12Okay.

00:51:13Okay.

00:51:14Woo!

00:51:15This guy's got a B

00:51:15in his bonnet.

00:51:16Okay,

00:51:17please welcome

00:51:18Adolf Hitler.

00:51:19You got three minutes, buddy.

00:51:20I'm going to kill

00:51:21millions of people.

00:51:22I know what they should look like.

00:51:24The eyeballs sit to the meat

00:51:25to the butt.

00:51:26I have the ovens

00:51:27for the rest of the people.

00:51:29Dude,

00:51:29you can't come out

00:51:30of the gates

00:51:31talking to crowds like that.

00:51:33You're going to freak them out.

00:51:34You can't go that hard

00:51:35in the beginning.

00:51:36You know?

00:51:37You can do that in the woods

00:51:38with a couple of drinking buddies

00:51:41freaking people out.

00:51:42Like,

00:51:43Hey, Matt, relax.

00:51:44There's girls here.

00:51:44Jesus Christ.

00:51:47I think I got a shot here.

00:51:48I'm trying to get laid.

00:51:49Can you just be a wingman

00:51:50for once in your life?

00:51:51Dude, can you just be a fucking...

00:51:53Just bring the energy down.

00:51:54Nobody gives a fuck

00:51:55about your fucking theories.

00:51:56Okay?

00:51:57Just be a chill guy.

00:51:58You got shit

00:51:59on the side of your mouth.

00:51:59You can either grow a mustache

00:52:00or don't.

00:52:01You look ridiculous.

00:52:02I'm sorry, ladies.

00:52:03He gets a little excited.

00:52:07You know what I think he was doing?

00:52:08I think he was just...

00:52:09I think he was just being

00:52:10a crowd-pleasing hack.

00:52:11If I had to guess,

00:52:12he's just telling those Germans

00:52:13what they wanted to hear.

00:52:14Once we have the best cars,

00:52:16we have the best women.

00:52:17October fest is the shit!

00:52:19They're just shooting

00:52:20free T-shirts up.

00:52:21Boom, boom, boom.

00:52:24Fucking armbands.

00:52:25Right?

00:52:28I don't know.

00:52:29It's just something

00:52:29that's always bothered me.

00:52:31Not always.

00:52:32Just recently.

00:52:33I'm just going like,

00:52:33this guy kills six

00:52:34to fucking nine.

00:52:36Everybody's...

00:52:36We definitely don't want

00:52:37another one of those.

00:52:38Well, what about this guy?

00:52:3920 to fucking 25.

00:52:41You know?

00:52:43You know what it is?

00:52:43There's probably a couple

00:52:44of egghead history majors

00:52:45out there going,

00:52:46well, Bill,

00:52:46if we're going to go

00:52:46around the world,

00:52:47you know,

00:52:48what about that dude

00:52:49Mao from China?

00:52:51He allegedly killed

00:52:5250 to 60 million people.

00:52:54What about that guy?

00:52:55How come you don't

00:52:56bring him up?

00:52:57Simple.

00:52:58I don't count those kills.

00:53:02I don't.

00:53:03I don't count them.

00:53:05Dude, there's like

00:53:06a billion people in China.

00:53:08You wipe out on a scooter,

00:53:10you're going to kill 80

00:53:11not even trying.

00:53:1350 to 60 million,

00:53:15that's like steroid era stats.

00:53:17It's like,

00:53:18get the fuck out of here.

00:53:19What are you on?

00:53:20Come on.

00:53:20I'm supposed to believe

00:53:21that number?

00:53:22That's like when

00:53:23a second baseman

00:53:24would have like 50 jacks.

00:53:25It's like,

00:53:25dude, you had 20

00:53:26in high school.

00:53:27Get the fuck out of here.

00:53:2850 home runs.

00:53:31I don't get it.

00:53:32I just don't get why.

00:53:37You know,

00:53:37I'm really feeling

00:53:37whenever I do this bit,

00:53:38I always feel the crowd.

00:53:39You guys just,

00:53:40you just don't like

00:53:40a sports analogy.

00:53:42You know?

00:53:45Let's go music.

00:53:46All right?

00:53:47It's Nashville.

00:53:49We'll look at it

00:53:49in a musical way.

00:53:51All right?

00:53:51Okay.

00:53:52Hitler drops an album.

00:53:55He sells six to nine million copies.

00:53:58All right?

00:53:59He's got a couple

00:53:59of summertime jams,

00:54:00maybe a prom song.

00:54:02He just catches a moment.

00:54:03He has his own dance,

00:54:05like Gangnam style,

00:54:06except, you know,

00:54:06it's got a little more

00:54:07with the hands.

00:54:08Right?

00:54:09It's more of an upper body song.

00:54:12Then later on that summer,

00:54:14Stalin drops his new shit.

00:54:16He sells 20 to 25 million copies.

00:54:1920 to 25 million copies

00:54:21is Michael Jackson's thriller.

00:54:23Okay?

00:54:23One of the greatest artists,

00:54:25one of the greatest albums

00:54:26of all time.

00:54:26Six to nine million in sales,

00:54:28that's like Hootie

00:54:29and the Blowfish

00:54:30cracked rearview mirror.

00:54:33Now,

00:54:34if you guys were at home

00:54:35in your apartment

00:54:35or your fucking barn,

00:54:37whatever it is

00:54:38you do down here,

00:54:40sitting there

00:54:40with your lantern,

00:54:44and you're sound asleep

00:54:47next to your favorite

00:54:47bale of hay,

00:54:48you're sound asleep

00:54:50and someone came running in

00:54:52at three in the morning

00:54:52going,

00:54:52dude,

00:54:53you got to run down

00:54:53to the bar.

00:54:54It's the next Michael Jackson.

00:54:55I swear to God,

00:54:56you would consider it.

00:54:58Michael Jackson,

00:54:58I got to fucking see that.

00:54:59You'd actually maybe get up,

00:55:00but if somebody came running

00:55:01and woke you up like,

00:55:02dude,

00:55:02you got to see this guy.

00:55:03He's the next Hootie

00:55:04and the Blowfish,

00:55:05right?

00:55:06You'd smash him over the head

00:55:07with your fucking lantern

00:55:08or whatever the hell

00:55:09you got in there.

00:55:13Why don't his fucking kills count?

00:55:15Dude,

00:55:15Stalin,

00:55:16he even killed his own friends.

00:55:19Hitler didn't even do that.

00:55:20Dude,

00:55:21you go duck hunting with Stalin,

00:55:22you thought you were in with him,

00:55:23he's taking pictures with you

00:55:24and shit,

00:55:25it's all fucking good,

00:55:26right?

00:55:27Then like a week later,

00:55:29you parted your hair

00:55:29a little bit different,

00:55:30he got paranoid,

00:55:31and that was it.

00:55:32He whacked you.

00:55:33That's it.

00:55:34Not only that,

00:55:35he then had you erased

00:55:36out of the photo,

00:55:37you know?

00:55:38Next thing you know,

00:55:38Stalin's like hugging a tree

00:55:39or some shit like that.

00:55:41This guy was photoshopping people

00:55:43out of photos

00:55:44like 60 years

00:55:46before the technology existed.

00:55:47He changed the fucking game!

00:55:54Yeah.

00:55:55So I watch a lot

00:55:56of the YouTube videos,

00:55:57right?

00:55:57So the other night,

00:55:58my wife,

00:55:59lovely wife,

00:55:59she's like falling asleep

00:56:00and I can't fall asleep

00:56:01because I'm all scatterbrained

00:56:02so I just start watching

00:56:03some YouTube clips,

00:56:04okay?

00:56:04And I end up seeing

00:56:05this clip of this lady

00:56:06down at the zoo,

00:56:08all right?

00:56:08This lady down at the zoo

00:56:10who I'm sure

00:56:10wasn't making as much money

00:56:12as the guy

00:56:13who worked at the zoo

00:56:15and that's what needs

00:56:16to stop.

00:56:21Hey ladies,

00:56:21you ever think of opening

00:56:22your own zoo?

00:56:23You know?

00:56:25Is there a reason

00:56:26you wait till we build

00:56:27the whole fucking thing

00:56:28and then you're gonna show up

00:56:29when all the hard work

00:56:30is done?

00:56:30All the animals are captured,

00:56:32then you're gonna show up

00:56:33where's my fucking

00:56:34corner office?

00:56:35Yeah.

00:56:37Start your own fucking zoo.

00:56:39Go out and go catch a cobra.

00:56:40See how that is.

00:56:44It's not the point of the story.

00:56:46I just like,

00:56:47I just like being a dick sometimes.

00:56:48So this lady down at the zoo,

00:56:51this lady down at the zoo,

00:56:53she taught this gorilla

00:56:54how to do sign language,

00:56:55okay?

00:56:56And I don't just mean

00:56:57like hello and goodbye,

00:56:58like literally phrases.

00:56:59This thing could like,

00:57:00like talk about its emotions.

00:57:01They were actually conversing.

00:57:03The gorilla's sitting there

00:57:04talking to her.

00:57:04Oh my God,

00:57:05you look a little upset today.

00:57:06And she's like,

00:57:06oh, you know,

00:57:06I'm kind of sad.

00:57:07And they're just talking.

00:57:08So immediately,

00:57:09like my brain just went

00:57:10fucking crazy.

00:57:10I was like,

00:57:11oh my God,

00:57:12she's talking to a gorilla.

00:57:13I love gorillas.

00:57:14Who doesn't want to talk

00:57:15to a gorilla?

00:57:16And then without thinking

00:57:16that my wife is sleeping,

00:57:17I just blurted out,

00:57:19ask it how much it can bench.

00:57:21Ask it how much it can bench.

00:57:24My wife like pops up.

00:57:25She's like,

00:57:26what are you doing?

00:57:26I'm like,

00:57:26look at this,

00:57:27look at this.

00:57:27She's talking to a gorilla.

00:57:28And we both just got sucked

00:57:30into this thing,

00:57:33long story short.

00:57:34She's sitting there,

00:57:34she's talking to this gorilla.

00:57:35And one day,

00:57:36she decides to get

00:57:36a little kitten,

00:57:37little kitty cat, right?

00:57:39And immediately,

00:57:39I'm thinking like,

00:57:40don't get it a cat.

00:57:42It's a gorilla.

00:57:43It's going to twist

00:57:43the thing's head off,

00:57:45throw the body over there,

00:57:46play with the head

00:57:47for a while,

00:57:48sniffing it and stuff.

00:57:49And then later,

00:57:50it's going to walk over

00:57:51and set the head down

00:57:52next to the body

00:57:53and wonder why

00:57:53the whole thing's

00:57:54not getting up again.

00:57:56Because it's a fucking gorilla.

00:57:59It's a wild animal.

00:58:00Wild animals don't have pets,

00:58:02right?

00:58:03It's kill or be killed

00:58:04out there.

00:58:05That's it.

00:58:06They don't have little

00:58:06parakeets on their shoulders

00:58:08and shit.

00:58:09But it was the exact opposite.

00:58:11She gives it this little kitten

00:58:12and the thing immediately

00:58:13understood that it was a baby

00:58:14and this like parental

00:58:15thing came over.

00:58:16It was so like gentle

00:58:18and filled with joy

00:58:19and just play.

00:58:19It was like beautiful,

00:58:20right?

00:58:20And then they just understood

00:58:22that it loved this kitten

00:58:23and they started using it

00:58:24as like a teaching tool,

00:58:25right?

00:58:25So every night,

00:58:26they take the cat back,

00:58:27all right?

00:58:28And then the next day,

00:58:28they come in

00:58:29and if the gorilla

00:58:29learned its phrases,

00:58:30it got to play with the kitten.

00:58:31They use it as a motivational tool

00:58:33so the gorilla's like vocabulary

00:58:34started going through the roof,

00:58:36all right?

00:58:36So to cut to the chase,

00:58:37one night they take the cat home.

00:58:39Somehow,

00:58:39the little kitten gets out.

00:58:41It got hit by a car

00:58:42and it died.

00:58:44Yeah,

00:58:44that cat you never met died.

00:58:49I'm sorry for your loss.

00:58:52I know you knew it,

00:58:53all of it,

00:58:54for fucking 20 seconds.

00:58:56You know?

00:58:57I don't know if it was dead instantly,

00:58:59like if it drove right over its head

00:59:00and that was it.

00:59:02Or maybe it just hit the back legs

00:59:03and it tried to crawl away

00:59:05but it was like stuck to the road

00:59:07and it was meowing out

00:59:09and it could see its breath

00:59:12and right before it lost consciousness,

00:59:14the rats came in

00:59:15and it was just screaming

00:59:16and it had such cute little paws.

00:59:19It was like little socks

00:59:20trying to get it off.

00:59:21I don't know what happened

00:59:22but you seem so fucking concerned

00:59:25about this kitten.

00:59:27I figure I'd throw out

00:59:27a couple of theories.

00:59:28More concerned about the kitten

00:59:29than all the Hitler shit,

00:59:30by the way.

00:59:31More of a reaction.

00:59:34More of a reaction.

00:59:35That's fine.

00:59:36Every crowd's a little bit different.

00:59:39That's not the point of the story.

00:59:41Okay?

00:59:42The point of the story

00:59:44was now this lady

00:59:45had to go down to the zoo.

00:59:46She had to tell the gorilla

00:59:47that the kitten was dead.

00:59:49Right?

00:59:49So she comes back down to the zoo

00:59:51and the gorilla's all amped up.

00:59:52This is like its favorite part of the day.

00:59:54Its mind is engaged

00:59:55and it sees its little friend

00:59:56and at this point,

00:59:57its vocabulary is like crazy now.

00:59:59And the lady shows up,

01:00:00the gorilla's all amped up

01:00:01and just looks at her just like,

01:00:02Oh shit!

01:00:03What's up?

01:00:05Yeah!

01:00:06Right?

01:00:09Now I can't do sign language

01:00:11so you're gonna have to bear with me

01:00:13through the rest of this bit.

01:00:14I'm gonna do the best I can.

01:00:15Alright?

01:00:17So the thing's like,

01:00:18What's up?

01:00:18Yeah!

01:00:20Alright?

01:00:21But the zookeeper lady,

01:00:22she has like, you know,

01:00:24just sitting there all sad,

01:00:26you know,

01:00:26trying to think how she's gonna tell it.

01:00:27Right?

01:00:28And the gorilla picked up on the vibe.

01:00:29Alright?

01:00:30She's kind of like,

01:00:32Hello.

01:00:33Alright?

01:00:33And all of a sudden the gorilla's energy

01:00:34just comes all down.

01:00:35She just starts looking at the lady like,

01:00:38What's, uh,

01:00:40what's, what's, what's wrong with you?

01:00:45Is there something that I,

01:00:47I, I, I need to know?

01:00:50Huh?

01:00:55So the lady's sitting there,

01:00:56she's like,

01:00:57Uh,

01:00:58Jesus.

01:01:00Uh,

01:01:02Well,

01:01:06Well,

01:01:07Well, the,

01:01:07the, the kitty cat,

01:01:10it got hit by a car,

01:01:13and it's fucking dead.

01:01:21And the gorilla immediately took it in.

01:01:23It immediately took it in,

01:01:24and understood,

01:01:25like its bottom lips started quivering,

01:01:27its eyes started watering up,

01:01:28it was signing like crying,

01:01:30and they going,

01:01:30Later on that night,

01:01:31you could hear it crying inside of its house.

01:01:34They built it a house,

01:01:35I don't know why.

01:01:36They live in trees,

01:01:37it's probably the guilt of putting the thing

01:01:38in a fucking jail,

01:01:40right?

01:01:41Whatever,

01:01:41it was like a two bedroom,

01:01:42it sounded like it was in the kitchen.

01:01:44And you just hear this thing,

01:01:46in this house at night,

01:01:48just going like,

01:01:58And that was the end of the video.

01:02:07That was the end of the video.

01:02:10And like you,

01:02:11I was sitting there like,

01:02:12What the fuck?

01:02:14You're going to end on that?

01:02:16And then literally,

01:02:17right in that moment,

01:02:18I felt my wife's head

01:02:19just rest on my shoulder,

01:02:20and she was like,

01:02:21That was so sad.

01:02:25I mean,

01:02:25it was beautiful,

01:02:26but it was sad.

01:02:28And I was just like,

01:02:29Get off me.

01:02:32Just,

01:02:32just,

01:02:32get off me.

01:02:33And I closed the laptop,

01:02:35set it down on the nightstand,

01:02:37and I just got up

01:02:37and I started pacing.

01:02:40It's this fucking rage

01:02:42was coming up in me.

01:02:43My wife's like freaking out.

01:02:44She's like,

01:02:45What's wrong?

01:02:46What is wrong with you?

01:02:47And I'm just like,

01:02:47What do you mean what's wrong?

01:02:48That video is fucked up.

01:02:52What is the purpose of that?

01:02:54You teach a gorilla how to talk,

01:02:55you're shooting the shit,

01:02:56you get it a pet kitten,

01:02:57and then it dies.

01:02:59And then the gorilla cries,

01:03:01and it's fucking sad,

01:03:02and then that's it?

01:03:03That's what you're leaving me with?

01:03:04I got to walk around with that

01:03:05in my fucking head?

01:03:08How is that the end of the video?

01:03:10Somebody,

01:03:11for fuck's sakes,

01:03:11tell me.

01:03:12Dude,

01:03:12that gorilla understood

01:03:13the concept of death.

01:03:15If it understands the concept of death,

01:03:16it understands its own captivity.

01:03:18Okay?

01:03:19So it never dawned on that lady,

01:03:21that whole time

01:03:21she's shooting the shit with them,

01:03:23it never dawned on her

01:03:24to sign to the thing like,

01:03:25like,

01:03:25Hey!

01:03:26Like,

01:03:27do you want to get,

01:03:28get the fuck out of here?

01:03:31Do you hate it in here?

01:03:33Do you want to fucking kill us

01:03:35for sticking you in here

01:03:37away from your friends

01:03:39in the jungle?

01:03:40And the thing would be like,

01:03:41Yeah!

01:03:43Yeah,

01:03:43please!

01:03:44Get me out!

01:03:46I beg of you!

01:03:47It fucking sucks

01:03:48in here!

01:03:52Right?

01:03:53And then you could have

01:03:54brainstormed,

01:03:54right?

01:03:55Like,

01:03:55Okay!

01:03:56Okay,

01:03:56I'm going to get you out of here!

01:03:57And then the only bad part would be

01:03:58you'd have to deal with the gorilla

01:03:59and it's,

01:04:00it's crazy fucking gorilla idea.

01:04:02You know what I mean?

01:04:03Like,

01:04:03brainstorming,

01:04:04it's an escape plan.

01:04:05The gorilla would be like,

01:04:05Okay,

01:04:06we'll get a bunch of bananas,

01:04:07we'll throw them

01:04:08and distract them,

01:04:09and then we'll climb out

01:04:10just using our arms.

01:04:11And then you literally

01:04:12just have to sit there

01:04:12and go like,

01:04:13Okay,

01:04:14Okay,

01:04:14uh,

01:04:15uh,

01:04:16not,

01:04:16not trying to,

01:04:18to be a dick,

01:04:19but

01:04:21I have

01:04:22a better idea.

01:04:25No,

01:04:25no,

01:04:26no disrespect

01:04:26to you,

01:04:27okay?

01:04:30But

01:04:32I'm going to go

01:04:32to big and tall.

01:04:34I'm going to get a jacket,

01:04:36a hat,

01:04:37and some fucked up looking shoes,

01:04:39okay?

01:04:40And what I need from you,

01:04:42what I need from you,

01:04:43okay?

01:04:43What I need from you is,

01:04:44you,

01:04:45you got to lay off this shit,

01:04:46all right?

01:04:47No more of this.

01:04:48Okay,

01:04:49no,

01:04:50no,

01:04:50no disrespect,

01:04:51okay?

01:04:52I need you,

01:04:53I need you to man up,

01:04:55all right?

01:04:55Stand up straight,

01:04:57arm down,

01:04:58stand up straight.

01:04:59Here's the difficult part,

01:05:00right here,

01:05:01okay?

01:05:01Left hand,

01:05:02right foot,

01:05:04right hand,

01:05:05left foot.

01:05:06You got it?

01:05:07Bam,

01:05:08bam.

01:05:09All right?

01:05:10You get that shit down,

01:05:12I'll get you out of here

01:05:13in 10 days.

01:05:16Cool?

01:05:17You're going to be okay,

01:05:18good deal.

01:05:19Fuck.

01:05:20All right.

01:05:22See you in 10 days,

01:05:23right?

01:05:25It's like the first day

01:05:26the gorilla's sitting there

01:05:26going like,

01:05:27okay,

01:05:28okay.

01:05:30Okay.

01:05:49No,

01:05:49no,

01:05:50no,

01:05:51no,

01:05:51no.

01:06:07Okay,

01:06:08okay.

01:06:15Yes!

01:06:31So that's the first day.

01:06:33That's day one, but the gorilla keeps working at it, right?

01:06:36Like day two, day two it's kind of getting, day three, day five, day seven, day nine, day ten, I'm

01:06:41doing it!

01:06:42I'm fucking doing it!

01:06:44Then she could have came back and broke that gorilla out of jail, right?

01:06:47You show up at night, look at you, dude, you're fucking doing it!

01:06:49Put on that jacket and the hat, come on!

01:06:51You take him down to the car, that's the only way to get him back.

01:06:53You gotta take it by car, down to the harbor.

01:06:56It's the only way to get it back to the jungle.

01:06:57You can't go to the fucking airport, right?

01:07:00You can't go to the airport standing there going through that fucking security, right?

01:07:06Once he takes his shoes off and that thumb comes sticking out, it's fucking over!

01:07:12It's over!

01:07:12You keep it below deck, you keep the fucking thing below deck until you get out to international waters.

01:07:19Then you fight, it's captain's log, come on board, right?

01:07:23Have the thing sit down, other boats going by looking at you like, is that a gorilla?

01:07:27Yeah!

01:07:28What do you got, blood diamonds?

01:07:29Go fuck yourself!

01:07:32Fucking sex slaves, get out of here!

01:07:35I'll have it come aboard and rip that mast right off!

01:07:39Then you're just hanging with the gorilla.

01:07:41You get to have that experience of seeing the thing free for the first time.

01:07:44It comes over the horizon, it finally sees the jungle.

01:07:46It's getting all excited.

01:07:48It jumps off the boat.

01:07:49It's rolling around in the sand.

01:07:50You're like, buddy, we did it!

01:07:51Don't fuck up the coat.

01:07:52I gotta bring it back.

01:07:53We did it!

01:07:53All right, get out of here.

01:07:54I love you too, man.

01:07:55I'm gonna miss you.

01:07:55Get out of here before they see you, all right?

01:07:57And the thing runs right to the edge of the jungle.

01:07:59And then just, poof, disappears.

01:08:02Like, I did it.

01:08:04I knew it.

01:08:04He wanted to go see his friends, man.

01:08:06He wanted to be free.

01:08:07It's gonna be fucking great.

01:08:08He's gonna go meet his buddies.

01:08:10He's gonna talk to his friends now.

01:08:11Like he should be, right?

01:08:15He's, uh...

01:08:16He's gonna go talk to his friends.

01:08:23He'll probably teach them how to talk.

01:08:29And, of course,

01:08:32then he'll probably get horses.

01:08:35Did I just start Planet of the fucking Apes?

01:08:38He's gonna teach his friends how to talk and get horses?

01:08:40He says, dude, I gotta kill this fucking thing.

01:08:43I gotta kill it.

01:08:44I fucked up.

01:08:44I gotta kill it.

01:08:45I'm sorry.

01:08:45Where's my Glock?

01:08:46Where the fuck is my Glock?

01:08:47Where is it?

01:08:48It was right here.

01:08:49It was right here.

01:08:50Fuck.

01:08:51And you got a little sick shooter.

01:08:52Fuck it, I'll take this.

01:08:52And you run into the jungle.

01:08:53But it's a gorilla, so it's long gone.

01:08:55But you can't give up, man.

01:08:57All the society's gonna go down on you.

01:08:59You gotta kill this fucking thing.

01:09:00So you just trush it through the jungle for months.

01:09:02You get six, seven months in.

01:09:04You got, like, malaria.

01:09:06You're about ready to give up.

01:09:09And out of nowhere, your buddy just jumps down.

01:09:12Boom.

01:09:12Just like, oh, shit.

01:09:14What the fuck are you doing here?

01:09:19You just pull out your sick shooter.

01:09:24Sorry, buddy.

01:09:26I gotta do it.

01:09:28They're gonna be like, but...

01:09:33I thought we were friends.

01:09:36Why?

01:09:39Well, you know, because...

01:09:41Because Jesus wanted it that way.

01:09:43You know?

01:09:45There's this whole book he made us in his image,

01:09:48which is, you know, we're better than you.

01:09:50You know?

01:09:51Sorry, I can't have you talking to other fucking chimps

01:09:54and then you tear down the Statue of Liberty.

01:09:55I just...

01:09:57Everyone's gonna think I'm an asshole.

01:09:58I, I...

01:10:01Look, I'll make it quick.

01:10:03And right as you go to pull the trigger,

01:10:04the gorilla pulls out that glock you couldn't find.

01:10:25I just...

01:10:26I just wanna know one thing.

01:10:30How did you know?

01:10:35You knew before I knew.

01:10:40I don't have an ending for this.

01:10:45I don't.

01:10:47And in a weird way,

01:10:49now you know how I felt

01:10:52when I watched that video.

01:10:55You know what it was?

01:10:57You know what it was?

01:10:58Was I did that joke all around the country,

01:11:01all right?

01:11:01And the gorilla always died.

01:11:03Because Jesus wanted it that way.

01:11:05And that was it.

01:11:07And it fucking bombed

01:11:09in every goddamn city

01:11:10in this country

01:11:11except for Dallas, Texas.

01:11:14That was the only place

01:11:15where they got it.

01:11:16And I'm not shitting on Texas.

01:11:18It bombed in Houston,

01:11:19Austin,

01:11:20El Paso,

01:11:21San Antonio.

01:11:21Killed in Dallas.

01:11:23They're the only ones who got it.

01:11:24They were just like,

01:11:25Hey, man,

01:11:25you did what you had to do.

01:11:27You did what you had to do, man.

01:11:29I mean,

01:11:30I love that gorilla too,

01:11:31but goddamn it,

01:11:32you cannot have two species

01:11:34working together.

01:11:37Tell you right now,

01:11:38you get a couple of gorillas

01:11:40on a bareback horse

01:11:41with a single bolt action rifle.

01:11:43That is the end of society

01:11:44as we know it.

01:11:46You should get a hypothetical medal

01:11:49for killing that gorilla

01:11:51hypothetically.

01:11:53So,

01:11:54all right.

01:11:56I'm going to end

01:11:56with a quick little story here,

01:11:58okay?

01:11:59Okay,

01:11:59they're always talking about

01:12:00how to make a woman happy,

01:12:01but I don't think

01:12:01they do it enough

01:12:02to help you guys out

01:12:03how to make a man happy,

01:12:04right?

01:12:04The great thing about men

01:12:05is we're fucking simple.

01:12:06We're fucking simple,

01:12:08okay?

01:12:08So here's the thing right here.

01:12:09You want to make a guy happy?

01:12:10If you're with a good guy,

01:12:11okay,

01:12:12this is all you got to do,

01:12:13okay?

01:12:13How about four times a year?

01:12:15Once a season.

01:12:19You go out to the kitchen

01:12:20without him saying shit,

01:12:22you go out to the kitchen,

01:12:22you make a sandwich,

01:12:23you get him a beer,

01:12:24you walk out,

01:12:25you give it to him,

01:12:26you don't say a word,

01:12:27and you just fucking leave.

01:12:32That's all you got to do.

01:12:34Every three months.

01:12:35You do that,

01:12:36you keep him happy.

01:12:37That's all it takes.

01:12:38Now,

01:12:38I know right out of the gate

01:12:39this is coming off sexist,

01:12:41right?

01:12:41It's because I'm saying

01:12:41go out in the kitchen,

01:12:42make your man a sandwich.

01:12:44I'm not saying women

01:12:45belong in the kitchen,

01:12:46barefoot and pregnant,

01:12:48rubbing my balls.

01:12:49I'm not saying that.

01:12:52Okay?

01:12:54I'm just saying women,

01:12:55go in the kitchen.

01:12:56Just go in the kitchen

01:12:58four times in a year,

01:12:59make a sandwich.

01:13:01A toddler could do that.

01:13:02Put it together.

01:13:04Grab two slices of pre-made,

01:13:06pre-sliced bread,

01:13:07two handfuls of pre-murdered meat,

01:13:09put a little mustard on it,

01:13:11grab a beer,

01:13:12walk out,

01:13:13just hand it to him,

01:13:14don't say shit,

01:13:14and then fucking leave.

01:13:15And when I say leave,

01:13:16I mean leave.

01:13:17I don't mean walk into another room

01:13:18for like ten minutes

01:13:19and then stick your head back

01:13:21and just be like,

01:13:21did you like it?

01:13:22Was it good?

01:13:23Great.

01:13:23Because downstairs,

01:13:25we need to,

01:13:26don't yell at me,

01:13:27I just made you a sandwich.

01:13:29I don't mean that.

01:13:31I mean leave.

01:13:31Get in the car

01:13:32and fucking get out of here.

01:13:34Take the kids,

01:13:35drive down the street,

01:13:36go see Lord of the Rings

01:13:38a couple of times

01:13:39and leave your man

01:13:40in the stunned silence

01:13:41of what you just did.

01:13:43Do you ever want to see

01:13:44your guy get emotional?

01:13:46Do you ever want to see

01:13:47a man get emotional?

01:13:47You make him a fucking sandwich

01:13:49that he didn't ask for.

01:13:50I'm telling you,

01:13:51he's going to have to dry

01:13:52the tears with the bread.

01:13:55He's going to be so shocked.

01:13:56It's like,

01:13:57you made this?

01:13:59I didn't even ask.

01:14:02Oh my God.

01:14:06I think she still gives a fuck.

01:14:10Yeah.

01:14:11Quick story.

01:14:12Me and my wife

01:14:12bought a house in 2011

01:14:14and by me and my wife,

01:14:16I mean I paid for it.

01:14:17I...

01:14:20She hates that joke,

01:14:21but I don't give a shit.

01:14:23It's true.

01:14:24And she's always

01:14:25breaking my balls.

01:14:26Don't put your shoes over here.

01:14:28They belong over there.

01:14:29Yeah,

01:14:29well I bought over there

01:14:30and I bought over here.

01:14:32So I'll put my fucking shoes

01:14:33wherever I want to.

01:14:37Oh,

01:14:37shirt's coming off.

01:14:39Where's it going?

01:14:40Right?

01:14:44So we get into the house.

01:14:45She's scoping out the house

01:14:47because she's smart.

01:14:47She's finding the rooms

01:14:48to get sun.

01:14:49She's checking out the closet space.

01:14:50And me,

01:14:50like an idiot,

01:14:51I want to check out the garage.

01:14:52For whatever reason,

01:14:53I'm drawn to this thing.

01:14:54And I go down,

01:14:54I open the door,

01:14:55and the last people

01:14:56hadn't cleaned it out.

01:14:57There was like a busted refrigerator,

01:14:59an old file cabinet,

01:15:00an ab roller,

01:15:01something from a luau.

01:15:02There was like seven failed businesses

01:15:04in this goddamn thing.

01:15:05And I got to start

01:15:06lugging this shit out

01:15:07in like 90 degree weather

01:15:08as a redhead,

01:15:10hating my life.

01:15:11Right?

01:15:12I got three hours

01:15:13into this job.

01:15:14My forearms were cut.

01:15:15I had dirt, sweat,

01:15:16cobwebs all over me.

01:15:17I wanted to burn down

01:15:18this fucking house.

01:15:19I was ready to leave,

01:15:20but out of nowhere,

01:15:21my wife showed up.

01:15:22Big smile on her face,

01:15:23and she'd made me a sandwich.

01:15:25Cut it in half diagonally,

01:15:27which is love.

01:15:28Right?

01:15:30They don't cut it in half.

01:15:31They might as well frisbee it at you.

01:15:32Like,

01:15:32here you go,

01:15:33you fucking piece of shit.

01:15:35Hose yourself off.

01:15:37You should live out here.

01:15:38You should live out here.

01:15:40Right?

01:15:41Cut it in half diagonally,

01:15:43poured Fritos in the middle,

01:15:44and gave me an ice cold beer.

01:15:46She did that five years ago.

01:15:49Do you know,

01:15:49to this day,

01:15:50every once in a while,

01:15:51I still think about that sandwich.

01:15:53It's unbelievable.

01:15:55It just pops in my head

01:15:56like this fond memory.

01:15:58I'll just be myself

01:15:59talking in the car.

01:16:00Remember that time

01:16:01she made me a sandwich?

01:16:02That was unbelievable.

01:16:04She cut it in half,

01:16:06Fritos with an ice cold beer.

01:16:07I felt like a king.

01:16:09That's all it takes.

01:16:11You know what it felt like

01:16:11in that moment?

01:16:12You remember that movie,

01:16:14Shawshank Redemption?

01:16:15You know that scene

01:16:16where the prisoners

01:16:17are drinking the beer

01:16:18on the rooftop

01:16:19with the sun in their face?

01:16:20That's what it felt like.

01:16:23The only thing missing

01:16:24was Morgan Freeman's voice

01:16:26narrating over the top,

01:16:27and for 20 minutes,

01:16:29Bill Burr felt like a free man.

01:16:31All right, I'm out of time.

01:16:33You guys were so awesome.

01:16:34Thank you so, so much

01:16:35for coming out.

01:16:38Thank you, thank you, thank you.

01:16:44so much.

Bill Burr - Walk Your Way Out [17]

Category

Transcript

Comments

Recommended