Bill Burr - Paper Tiger [19] - video Dailymotion

Fyah TV Comedy

Bill Burr unloads on outrage culture, male feminism, cultural appropriation, robot sex and more in a blistering stand-up special shot in London. #comedy #standupcomedy #standup #billburr #billburrcomedy #billburrstandup

Transcript

00:00:17Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Bill Sparks.

00:00:30All right. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. How are you? Excellent.

00:00:40Thank you for coming out. Very prestigious arena to listen to my dick and shit jokes over the next 90

00:00:51minutes.

00:00:51Now I'm excited to be here. I am. It's very exciting to be doing stand-up outside of my own

00:01:00country. Yeah. No, not because of you.

00:01:06That's how it's become. Fucking U.S. Everything's so goddamn heavy. Fucking joke you tell. Well, what did you mean

00:01:12about that? I didn't go to the gym today. Are you calling me fat? I feel fucking triggered.

00:01:22Gotta fucking apologize to everybody. This is how screwed up my country is right now. Do you know Brian Cranston,

00:01:29right? That dude did a movie. He played a quadriplegic. And people gave him shit.

00:01:37Be like, why is there an able-bodied person playing a quadriplegic? It's like, it's because it's called acting. You

00:01:48dumb fuck. See, if he was a quadriplegic playing a quadriplegic, that's not acting.

00:01:56That's just fucking laying there saying shit that someone else wrote. So tell us, what did you do to prepare

00:02:04for the role? Well, I dove headfirst into the shallow end of a pool when I was 23.

00:02:10I feel like I've been preparing for this role for my whole life. Right, what is up next for you?

00:02:17Oh, well, they're gonna do a reboot of Top Gun. I'm gonna fly it over my pub. And the co

00:02:24-pilot's gonna be transgendered. So everybody will be happy. She won't die. Her discarded dick will block her head from

00:02:32the canopy.

00:02:34There'll be a gender-neutral bathroom on the plane. How fucking dumb is that? That's literally like watching a movie.

00:02:42Why didn't you have a murderer play a murderer?

00:02:46And how come the guy he shot? I saw him in another movie. I mean, what the fuck is going

00:02:52on?

00:02:58No, I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. I don't know what the fuck is

00:03:02going on.

00:03:03But I think white women started it.

00:03:10It's the worst.

00:03:13The fucking worst. It's all they do is bitch-motor and complain.

00:03:16I had no idea how difficult it was to be a white woman in the United States of America.

00:03:23Evidently, it's really difficult.

00:03:29Yeah, they're always bitching.

00:03:31Do you have any idea what it's like to be me?

00:03:33Well, I imagine it would be slightly less awesome than my life.

00:03:42What happened to you today, sweetheart?

00:03:45Did they not chill your rosé?

00:03:47You know?

00:03:48Was the trolley not running down at the mall?

00:03:51What happened?

00:03:53No, it's unreal.

00:03:54I'm really fucking annoyed how white women have the fucking balls

00:03:57to throw my white privilege in my face.

00:03:59You know?

00:04:02Started to separate themselves from these white males

00:04:05with their white male privileges.

00:04:06Like, bitch, you're sitting in a jacuzzi with me.

00:04:09The fuck are you talking about?

00:04:12Yeah.

00:04:13Put your fucking whining.

00:04:16Look.

00:04:17Here's a little caveat here.

00:04:19So you don't think I'm a complete asshole right out of the gate.

00:04:21All right?

00:04:22If you're fucking...

00:04:22If you live in some honey boo boo lifestyle

00:04:24on the Appalachian Trail,

00:04:26you know, your uncle just banged you in the dirt.

00:04:28All right.

00:04:29I can listen to you.

00:04:33Now, one of my fantasies

00:04:36is I want to drive by like a woman's rally

00:04:39and just say the most sexist shit I can think of

00:04:43just to watch them lose their minds.

00:04:46You know, just drive by real slowly.

00:04:48Like, yeah, why don't you get back in the kitchen where you belong?

00:04:54Just to look in the rearview mirror

00:04:56watching them flip it out in the road,

00:04:59spinning around like Leatherface

00:05:01at the end of Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

00:05:05Like...

00:05:10Yeah.

00:05:11No, it's a very, uh...

00:05:13I don't know.

00:05:14Times are changing, I guess.

00:05:15I don't know.

00:05:17Yeah.

00:05:18Michelle Obama's doing an arena tour.

00:05:21That's another thing going on.

00:05:22I'm going to say that again.

00:05:24Michelle Obama...

00:05:27...is doing an arena tour.

00:05:28She's not playing comedy clubs.

00:05:30She's doing arenas.

00:05:33When did first ladies start acting like they got elected?

00:05:37You know?

00:05:39Dude, being a first lady, that's not a fucking job.

00:05:42Just standing there, smiling and waving.

00:05:46Right?

00:05:48Look how quiet is it in here.

00:05:49Why is it so fucking quiet?

00:05:50You think that's a job?

00:05:53It's not a fucking job.

00:05:55Dude, if you really think it's a job, just look at her.

00:05:58Right?

00:05:58Look at Obama.

00:05:59When that guy got elected,

00:06:00he looked like he was about 41 years old.

00:06:03When he left office,

00:06:04that guy looked like he was about 73.

00:06:07Right?

00:06:09Look at Michelle.

00:06:10She looks younger now

00:06:12than she did when that dude got elected.

00:06:16What has she done for the last eight years?

00:06:20Yeah.

00:06:21Other than laying a giant vat

00:06:22of Illuminati-level lotion,

00:06:24just sitting there floating.

00:06:28A couple hours,

00:06:29a shapeshifter comes in

00:06:30and dumps another bucket on her.

00:06:35She pops her head up.

00:06:36Hey, Bam Bam,

00:06:37tell Stevie Wonder to come down

00:06:39and play some songs tonight.

00:06:43Now,

00:06:44I found out she's doing a tour

00:06:46because she's doing a book tour.

00:06:48Yeah, she wrote a book.

00:06:50She wrote a book

00:06:50about not having a job.

00:06:55I got to read that fucking book.

00:06:59Chapter one,

00:07:00how to know if a dick tastes presidential.

00:07:04How to weed your way...

00:07:09How to weed your way

00:07:10through all that local representative cock

00:07:13and get to the big swinging dick in the room.

00:07:21I'll tell you right now,

00:07:22say what you want

00:07:23about Republican presidents,

00:07:25but they got their first ladies in line.

00:07:28They do.

00:07:30Dude,

00:07:31George W.

00:07:32was president for eight years.

00:07:34Eight years.

00:07:35I don't even know his wife's name.

00:07:39What was it,

00:07:40Abigail or some shit?

00:07:42Maggie?

00:07:43No clue.

00:07:45Donald Trump's wife

00:07:46stands behind him

00:07:47like a giant meerkat.

00:07:54Bill Clinton was president.

00:07:56His wife never shut up.

00:07:57Ah,

00:07:57I want to do health care.

00:07:59Ah.

00:08:01He fucked around on her so much,

00:08:03he's like,

00:08:03all right,

00:08:03whatever,

00:08:04just do it.

00:08:09But I'm telling you right now,

00:08:10I'm going to,

00:08:10I'm going to check out

00:08:11that fucking tour.

00:08:12I've got to see

00:08:13what that's all about.

00:08:14You know?

00:08:15Who opens?

00:08:16Who opens on that fucking tour?

00:08:18What is it,

00:08:19Oprah Winfrey's husband?

00:08:21You know?

00:08:24Does he fucking come out

00:08:25and talk about

00:08:26what it's like to walk her dogs?

00:08:29I do it for 20 minutes a day.

00:08:31The carcass ban was probably

00:08:32the most fussiest,

00:08:33and I've got to bring him around.

00:08:35Oh.

00:08:38Look,

00:08:39I'm sure that there's some

00:08:40feminists in the crowd right now

00:08:42not appreciating this joke,

00:08:43feeling triggered,

00:08:45feeling like they need

00:08:45to fucking put out a hashtag

00:08:47or some shit,

00:08:49and be brave,

00:08:50and speak out.

00:08:55You know what?

00:08:56You're full of shit.

00:08:58You are.

00:09:04All those feminists

00:09:05are full of shit,

00:09:06because I'm going to tell you

00:09:07right now,

00:09:07someday,

00:09:08someday,

00:09:09there's going to be

00:09:09the first woman president,

00:09:12all right?

00:09:12Which means,

00:09:13which means,

00:09:14you don't even know

00:09:15what her fucking platform is,

00:09:16and you automatically cheer.

00:09:20It's got the same genitalia.

00:09:21I'm going to tell you.

00:09:24Fucking,

00:09:25I'm telling you,

00:09:26they're not smart people.

00:09:27Feminists,

00:09:27they're not as smart

00:09:28as they're coming off.

00:09:29I'm telling you.

00:09:31Someday,

00:09:33there's going to be,

00:09:35by the way,

00:09:35this is going to be

00:09:36my last show ever,

00:09:37by the time this fucking thing

00:09:38comes out.

00:09:40Someday,

00:09:41there's going to be

00:09:42the first female president,

00:09:44which means,

00:09:44there's going to be

00:09:45the first male first lady,

00:09:48all right?

00:09:49And you wait,

00:09:50you fucking wait.

00:09:52The first time

00:09:53that dude opens his mouth

00:09:54about some political shit,

00:09:56you watch all these feminists,

00:09:57they're all going to be,

00:09:58you shut the fuck up.

00:09:59You shut the fuck up.

00:10:00It is her time now.

00:10:02It is her time.

00:10:03She was elected,

00:10:05not you.

00:10:06Go pick out some plates,

00:10:07bitch.

00:10:08You are the first lady.

00:10:14He's going to get treated

00:10:15like Tom Arnold

00:10:16when he was with Roseanne.

00:10:21Secret Service name

00:10:22will be like appendix

00:10:23or doesn't matter.

00:10:26Not worthy of protecting.

00:10:27Just entered the Oval Office.

00:10:29Not worthy of protecting.

00:10:33So, anyways,

00:10:36there's been,

00:10:36the Me Too movement

00:10:37has happened

00:10:38since the last time

00:10:38I was here.

00:10:40Well, no,

00:10:41it had to happen.

00:10:41Jesus Christ.

00:10:42But, you know,

00:10:42I think it's dying down.

00:10:44You know?

00:10:45I don't know.

00:10:46I think they got everybody.

00:10:49All right?

00:10:52Just,

00:10:52just judging by the stories,

00:10:54I feel like

00:10:55they kind of got everybody.

00:10:57Because the first stories

00:10:59that came out,

00:10:59they were fucking unbelievable.

00:11:01It was just guys

00:11:02taking their dicks

00:11:03out at work,

00:11:03like,

00:11:03look at it!

00:11:04Look at it!

00:11:05Ah!

00:11:06Ah!

00:11:07Ah!

00:11:08Ah!

00:11:09Ah!

00:11:15People did this shit!

00:11:17I remember this,

00:11:18this one poor woman

00:11:19said she was a PA,

00:11:20went into some

00:11:21director's,

00:11:22ah,

00:11:22trailer,

00:11:23and he came,

00:11:24allegedly,

00:11:25came running out,

00:11:27masturbating vigorously,

00:11:28while holding

00:11:29a shrimp cocktail.

00:11:35I swear to God!

00:11:38I know that's fucked up,

00:11:39but I gotta tell you something,

00:11:40it's a little bit funny

00:11:41that she felt the need

00:11:43to use the adjective

00:11:44vigorously

00:11:46after she said

00:11:47he was masturbating.

00:11:48He was masturbating vigorously!

00:11:50I'm thinking in my head,

00:11:51like,

00:11:51ah,

00:11:51as opposed to what?

00:11:56As far as I know,

00:11:57there is only one

00:11:58successful way

00:12:00to perform that act,

00:12:02and that would be

00:12:03vigorously.

00:12:05Is there another way

00:12:06to do it?

00:12:07Can you do it passively?

00:12:08You know?

00:12:09Is that how Sting does it?

00:12:11Is that how he's able

00:12:12to fuck for hours and hours?

00:12:14Fans a little air on it,

00:12:16he puts on fields of gold,

00:12:17and just lets that thing

00:12:19rise up,

00:12:21just letting it marinate,

00:12:23right?

00:12:26Yeah,

00:12:27so the stories were big

00:12:28in the beginning,

00:12:28like, oh my God,

00:12:29what a bunch of fucking animals.

00:12:30And then they just started

00:12:31tapering,

00:12:32tapering off,

00:12:33and about,

00:12:34I don't know,

00:12:34six months in,

00:12:35and they just sounded

00:12:36like bad dates.

00:12:37It was like,

00:12:38he was,

00:12:38he was ten minutes late,

00:12:40the chicken was cold,

00:12:42I think I was raped,

00:12:43career over!

00:12:47What about my side

00:12:48of the story?

00:12:49Fuck your side

00:12:50of the story!

00:12:51You have a dick and balls,

00:12:52we don't want to hear it!

00:12:55Yeah.

00:12:57It's really weird

00:12:58how the whole thing,

00:12:58it went from like,

00:12:59nobody listening,

00:13:00men not listening

00:13:01to women at all,

00:13:02to just this total

00:13:03overcorrection

00:13:04that anything they fucking said

00:13:05means it happens,

00:13:06you know?

00:13:07They got these hashtags

00:13:08like, you know,

00:13:08believe women,

00:13:10believe women,

00:13:11right?

00:13:13It's a little open-ended,

00:13:14huh?

00:13:15Just straight across

00:13:16the fucking board,

00:13:17all of them,

00:13:18every last fucking one of them.

00:13:21What about the psychos?

00:13:23What about the ones

00:13:24that key your car

00:13:25and light your shit on fire

00:13:26because you didn't,

00:13:27you didn't fucking answer a text?

00:13:29What about them?

00:13:31Huh?

00:13:31How about you believe

00:13:32like 88%

00:13:33and that last 12%

00:13:35that's out of their fucking minds,

00:13:37you know,

00:13:37I think that's a fair percentage,

00:13:38wouldn't you?

00:13:39No?

00:13:40Are you too afraid

00:13:42to not believe?

00:13:45No, no,

00:13:45that's,

00:13:45that's the world

00:13:46we're fucking living in right now.

00:13:47No,

00:13:48everything has just become

00:13:50fucking absolutes

00:13:51in,

00:13:52in,

00:13:52in the states.

00:13:53It's fucking nuts.

00:13:54Like that Colin Kaepernick guy,

00:13:55right?

00:13:55You knew when he was like

00:13:57protesting during the national anthem,

00:13:59no one was going to listen

00:14:00to what the fuck he had to say,

00:14:01no matter how much he explained it.

00:14:02He goes,

00:14:03I'm taking a knee

00:14:03during the national anthem.

00:14:05This is a protest

00:14:06about police brutality,

00:14:07the way people of color

00:14:08are treated.

00:14:09We'd like to open a dialogue.

00:14:10He got about halfway through

00:14:11that people are like,

00:14:12my brother's fighting in Iraq,

00:14:13you fucking piece of shit.

00:14:15It's just like,

00:14:16buddy,

00:14:17nobody is saying

00:14:18your brother isn't in Iraq fighting.

00:14:20You're not listening.

00:14:21This is about

00:14:21police brutality.

00:14:23My brother's a firefighter.

00:14:24He watched 9-11 on television.

00:14:26No,

00:14:26no,

00:14:27buddy.

00:14:29Nobody's saying

00:14:29that your brother's not a firefighter.

00:14:32I got a bone spur on my heel.

00:14:33I can still stand up

00:14:34during the fucking song.

00:14:35Buddy,

00:14:36nobody is saying

00:14:37you can't see

00:14:37a fucking podiatrist.

00:14:39All right?

00:14:40You're not listening.

00:14:43That's what it became.

00:14:44It went from

00:14:44not listening to women

00:14:45to just believe women,

00:14:46right?

00:14:47And then,

00:14:47you know,

00:14:48and then people are just like,

00:14:48did you see that story?

00:14:49Did you read the story?

00:14:51You can't make something

00:14:52like that up.

00:14:53I always want to be like,

00:14:54well,

00:14:54did you see Star Wars?

00:14:57I mean,

00:14:58somebody made that up.

00:14:59They made like

00:14:59fucking 15 of them,

00:15:00you know?

00:15:01People can make shit up,

00:15:03right?

00:15:04You're part of

00:15:05the fucking problem.

00:15:06Get the fuck out of,

00:15:07you know?

00:15:10No means no.

00:15:12That's another one.

00:15:12No means no.

00:15:13It's like,

00:15:14no,

00:15:14it doesn't.

00:15:15All right?

00:15:18Look,

00:15:19look,

00:15:19no means no.

00:15:21No.

00:15:21That means no.

00:15:22All right?

00:15:22But no,

00:15:23stop it.

00:15:23What are you doing?

00:15:24Oh, my God.

00:15:27You're being so bad.

00:15:29Stop it.

00:15:30No.

00:15:31Yeah,

00:15:32that's not a fucking no.

00:15:34That means

00:15:35I want to do it,

00:15:36but I'm afraid

00:15:37you're going to judge me,

00:15:38so I'm just going to

00:15:38make it look like

00:15:39it was your idea

00:15:40so you don't figure out

00:15:41that I've already

00:15:41performed this act

00:15:42with 40 other

00:15:43fucking people,

00:15:44right?

00:15:46But then,

00:15:48then you go to court

00:15:49and you get a bad read

00:15:50and there's some guy

00:15:51reading it.

00:15:51Oh,

00:15:51your honor,

00:15:52she said no.

00:15:53Stop it.

00:15:54What are you doing?

00:15:55You're being so bad.

00:15:57Yeah,

00:15:58and you just sent me like,

00:15:59she didn't fucking

00:15:59say it like that.

00:16:01She didn't say it like that.

00:16:07Yeah.

00:16:08Yeah.

00:16:08And now everybody's

00:16:09just like scared shitless.

00:16:12You know?

00:16:13Because I guess

00:16:13if women ran the world,

00:16:15there'd be no war.

00:16:16Evidently,

00:16:16there'd be no due process either.

00:16:18So you just got to

00:16:19sit there going,

00:16:20fuck,

00:16:20huh,

00:16:21huh?

00:16:23Ha,

00:16:23ha,

00:16:24ha,

00:16:25ha,

00:16:26No, it's fucking nuts.

00:16:27People are so scared now,

00:16:28you now have,

00:16:29you have the male feminist.

00:16:31Like,

00:16:32where the fuck

00:16:32did that come from?

00:16:34Just out of nowhere,

00:16:35last couple years.

00:16:36I'm a male feminist.

00:16:37I've always championed women.

00:16:39No, you haven't.

00:16:40You haven't.

00:16:41This shit came out

00:16:43and you're fucking scared.

00:16:44You did something.

00:16:44You grabbed some fucking titties.

00:16:46What the fuck did you do

00:16:47that you have to overcorrect

00:16:49that fucking heart?

00:16:51What kind of a man

00:16:52who still has his balls

00:16:54is walking around

00:16:55saying that he's a male feminist?

00:16:56I'm a male feminist.

00:16:58I totally see the way

00:16:59you see the fucking world.

00:17:00It's,

00:17:01it's impossible

00:17:02as a man

00:17:04who was raised right.

00:17:12to be a feminist.

00:17:15You can't do it.

00:17:16You're a man.

00:17:17Look,

00:17:17you can agree with it.

00:17:19You can empathize,

00:17:20sympathy,

00:17:20you can do all of that shit,

00:17:21but you can't be it

00:17:22any more than I can stand here

00:17:24and just be like,

00:17:25I'm a black panther.

00:17:27Fight the power.

00:17:29And then I walk out the door

00:17:30a blue-eyed white dude

00:17:32and I get to live

00:17:32that fucking life,

00:17:34right?

00:17:35I don't know.

00:17:36I don't know, ladies.

00:17:37I don't buy it.

00:17:38Maybe,

00:17:38maybe you do.

00:17:39I don't.

00:17:39Anytime I hear a guy

00:17:40say I'm a male feminist,

00:17:42I always just think

00:17:42that is the most pathetic,

00:17:44limp dick way ever

00:17:45to try and get some pussy,

00:17:47right?

00:17:48Like,

00:17:48that's literally,

00:17:50that is literally

00:17:51the fucking game you had

00:17:53when you were on a first date

00:17:55when you were 16

00:17:56and you were all nervous

00:17:57and your whole game plan

00:17:58was just agree with her.

00:17:59Maybe she'll touch it.

00:18:04So,

00:18:04what are your favorite bands?

00:18:05I like whatever you like.

00:18:07Will you touch it now?

00:18:09Did I do it right?

00:18:15Yeah,

00:18:15it's a weird time right now.

00:18:16I'm glad that I'm fucking,

00:18:17you know,

00:18:17married now.

00:18:18I don't gotta fucking deal

00:18:19with any of that shit.

00:18:20You know?

00:18:21Younger guys,

00:18:21I don't know.

00:18:22How do you deal with it?

00:18:23Like,

00:18:23you know what was really fucked up

00:18:24in all of this now?

00:18:25Is,

00:18:25is what about women

00:18:26who like it rough?

00:18:28Right?

00:18:30That doesn't happen here

00:18:31in the jolly old England.

00:18:33Right?

00:18:34Not at all.

00:18:35Everybody gets all dead silent.

00:18:37Big fucking elephant

00:18:38in the fucking room.

00:18:39Right?

00:18:40Yeah.

00:18:41How the fuck do you,

00:18:43what's that?

00:18:43Ask for consent.

00:18:45Ask for consent?

00:18:46Doesn't that take the mood?

00:18:48Well,

00:18:48Jesus,

00:18:48that kind of took it

00:18:49in a weird way.

00:18:57Do whatever the fuck

00:18:58I was saying,

00:18:59however you heard it,

00:19:00that's not what the fuck

00:19:01I'm saying.

00:19:01All right?

00:19:07You know,

00:19:07I've really listened

00:19:08to this Me Too movement.

00:19:09I think I'm,

00:19:09for the first time

00:19:10in my life,

00:19:11I'm gonna ask for consent.

00:19:13I'm really gonna do it

00:19:14this time.

00:19:15I've been feeling.

00:19:18This is why

00:19:18you can't judge comedians.

00:19:20Do you understand this?

00:19:20Do you understand

00:19:21what the fuck

00:19:21I was saying

00:19:22and how this fucking

00:19:22jackass just heard it?

00:19:24You know?

00:19:26The second...

00:19:28Yeah.

00:19:30The second it comes

00:19:31out of my mouth,

00:19:32it's not what

00:19:33I said anymore.

00:19:34It goes into

00:19:34your fucking ear hole

00:19:35and gets cut

00:19:36with your whole

00:19:36fucking childhood.

00:19:37Oh,

00:19:38this is what he means.

00:19:44Sir,

00:19:45if I could get along

00:19:46with my point,

00:19:47if you wouldn't mind that.

00:19:51No,

00:19:51like fucking women

00:19:52who like it rough,

00:19:52like,

00:19:52that's gotta be

00:19:53so fucking weird.

00:19:55I remember

00:19:56when I was a single man

00:19:57a long time ago,

00:19:58a lot of hair ago,

00:19:59right?

00:19:59Still wasn't a good look,

00:20:01but I was single.

00:20:02I was out there

00:20:02taking some at-bats.

00:20:04I remember that shit.

00:20:05You'd meet a woman

00:20:05and when it started

00:20:06going down that road,

00:20:07like,

00:20:07you knew you were

00:20:07going to hook up.

00:20:08What you tried to do,

00:20:09you tried to get

00:20:09a jump on it,

00:20:10right?

00:20:10You tried to figure out

00:20:11what they liked

00:20:12in the bedroom

00:20:12because you wanted

00:20:13to satisfy them

00:20:14because there's nothing

00:20:14worse than if you

00:20:15don't satisfy them

00:20:16and you know

00:20:17they're going to

00:20:17tell all their friends

00:20:18and then you got

00:20:19to fucking move

00:20:20and now there's

00:20:20social media,

00:20:21you got a fucking

00:20:22nickname.

00:20:23It's a nightmare.

00:20:26So you just try to,

00:20:27you know,

00:20:27you try to do,

00:20:27you know,

00:20:28a little fucking

00:20:28intelligence,

00:20:29you know?

00:20:29You'd be sitting

00:20:30there hanging out

00:20:30just being like,

00:20:31yeah,

00:20:31so,

00:20:32you know,

00:20:32what are you,

00:20:33what are you into?

00:20:34What do you,

00:20:35what do you like

00:20:36to do,

00:20:36right?

00:20:37One night I asked

00:20:38this woman that

00:20:38and she said

00:20:38her drink down

00:20:39and she looked

00:20:39me right in the eye

00:20:40and she's like,

00:20:40I like to get

00:20:41fucked.

00:20:46And I knew

00:20:47what she meant.

00:20:48I was like,

00:20:48all right,

00:20:48this is going to be

00:20:48one of these.

00:20:49Okay,

00:20:49here we go.

00:20:53We're going to have

00:20:53to go hard

00:20:54on this one,

00:20:55right?

00:20:56We had a great

00:20:57fucking time.

00:20:58I don't know

00:20:58how I would hit

00:20:59today.

00:20:59I would just be like,

00:21:00all right,

00:21:00I know what you

00:21:01want to do,

00:21:02but like,

00:21:03you're going to

00:21:03have to do it.

00:21:04You understand?

00:21:05Like,

00:21:05I'm just going to

00:21:06stand here

00:21:07and then you just

00:21:08back into me

00:21:09however hard you want.

00:21:11You control

00:21:12how hard you're

00:21:13backing into me.

00:21:14Then I'm going to

00:21:14lay my hand

00:21:15on your shoulder.

00:21:16You can put

00:21:16your ponytail in it.

00:21:18I will slowly

00:21:19close my hand

00:21:20around it.

00:21:21And if at any point

00:21:22you want to yank

00:21:23your head like that,

00:21:25that's on you.

00:21:26My other hand

00:21:27will be just to the

00:21:28right of your

00:21:29right ass cheek.

00:21:30If you want to

00:21:31do one of those,

00:21:32that's fine.

00:21:33But I am not

00:21:34doing anything.

00:21:35I'm just going to

00:21:35stand here

00:21:36like a giant

00:21:37fuckstick.

00:21:38And you just

00:21:38have at it.

00:21:40You just have at it.

00:21:45Yeah.

00:21:46Do you know

00:21:47what's hilarious

00:21:48about sexual assault?

00:21:56You know what's

00:21:56hilarious about it

00:21:57is how women

00:21:58are acting like

00:21:59that is a uniquely

00:22:00female experience.

00:22:03You know what's

00:22:03funny?

00:22:04I actually,

00:22:05to the letter

00:22:05of the fucking

00:22:06law,

00:22:06within the last

00:22:07two and a half

00:22:07years,

00:22:08got sexually

00:22:08assaulted in this

00:22:09business by a

00:22:11woman.

00:22:12Yeah.

00:22:13And this is my

00:22:14story.

00:22:19I feel like

00:22:20I can live

00:22:21my truth

00:22:22and be brave

00:22:23tonight

00:22:24and share

00:22:25this with you.

00:22:28It's 100%

00:22:29true fucking

00:22:29story.

00:22:30I was doing

00:22:31stand-up.

00:22:31I was doing

00:22:31a private gig.

00:22:32All right?

00:22:33Private gigs

00:22:34are the fucking

00:22:34worst.

00:22:35You do a public

00:22:35gig,

00:22:36anybody can show

00:22:37up.

00:22:37It broadens

00:22:38what you can

00:22:38talk about.

00:22:39Right?

00:22:39You do a private

00:22:40gig,

00:22:40it's like everybody

00:22:41grew up on the

00:22:42same fucking

00:22:42streets.

00:22:43All your jokes

00:22:44got to go right

00:22:44down fucking

00:22:45Main Street

00:22:45or you're

00:22:46bombing.

00:22:46So all you

00:22:47do is listen

00:22:47to the first

00:22:48comic to hear

00:22:48what's working

00:22:49and what isn't.

00:22:50You're just

00:22:50listening to him

00:22:50as he's up

00:22:51there struggling

00:22:51going,

00:22:52okay,

00:22:52they like

00:22:52bread.

00:22:53Talk about

00:22:53bread.

00:22:54Get all

00:22:55the bread

00:22:55you can.

00:22:56Don't make

00:22:56fun of the

00:22:57troops.

00:22:57Stay away

00:22:58from the

00:22:58troops.

00:22:59Right?

00:22:59So that's

00:23:00what we're

00:23:00doing,

00:23:01right?

00:23:01And the host

00:23:02gets him

00:23:02going and

00:23:02then he

00:23:03brings up

00:23:03the first

00:23:03act.

00:23:04Okay,

00:23:04she goes

00:23:04on stage.

00:23:05She's not

00:23:05really a

00:23:06comedian,

00:23:06more of a

00:23:07personality.

00:23:07She does

00:23:14she goes

00:23:14to get

00:23:15off.

00:23:15I'm

00:23:15thinking,

00:23:15okay,

00:23:16I'm

00:23:16next.

00:23:16I'm

00:23:16looking at

00:23:16my stuff

00:23:17and she

00:23:17just walks

00:23:18right by

00:23:18me and

00:23:19just fucking

00:23:19pooh,

00:23:20just flicked

00:23:21me right in

00:23:21the head of

00:23:22my dick

00:23:22and kept

00:23:23walking.

00:23:25Like it was

00:23:26nothing.

00:23:26Just fucking

00:23:27pow and just

00:23:27kept...

00:23:29I couldn't

00:23:29fucking believe

00:23:30it.

00:23:31I know what

00:23:32you're thinking.

00:23:32Like, oh,

00:23:33is this a friend

00:23:33of yours?

00:23:34Was she flirting

00:23:34with you?

00:23:35Was this a joke?

00:23:36None of the

00:23:37above.

00:23:37You know what

00:23:38it was?

00:23:38I swear to

00:23:39God, it was

00:23:40like a bully

00:23:40vibe.

00:23:42Like she was

00:23:43trying to get

00:23:43in my head.

00:23:44Like, there

00:23:45you go,

00:23:45you little

00:23:46red dick.

00:23:46Poof,

00:23:47follow that.

00:23:48And she

00:23:48just kept

00:23:49walking.

00:23:51Dude, my

00:23:52first thought

00:23:52as I saw

00:23:53her walking

00:23:53away, I

00:23:53just wanted

00:23:54to punch

00:23:54her in

00:23:54the back

00:23:55of the

00:23:55head as

00:23:56hard as

00:23:56humanly

00:23:57possible.

00:23:58Like,

00:23:58literally

00:23:58make her

00:23:59leave her

00:23:59shoes.

00:24:00You know?

00:24:02But the

00:24:02other side

00:24:03of my brain

00:24:03is like,

00:24:03oh, no,

00:24:04dude, you

00:24:04can't do

00:24:04that.

00:24:04You can't

00:24:05do that.

00:24:05It's a

00:24:05woman.

00:24:06And it was

00:24:06just spitballed.

00:24:07Well, fucking

00:24:07boot her in

00:24:07the ass then.

00:24:08Put her

00:24:09in the

00:24:09ass.

00:24:09Can't

00:24:09hit her,

00:24:10dude.

00:24:10Can't

00:24:10hit her.

00:24:11It's a

00:24:11woman.

00:24:11Well, fucking

00:24:12tell somebody.

00:24:13Tell somebody.

00:24:14And all I'm

00:24:15thinking is like,

00:24:15dude, I'm a

00:24:15guy.

00:24:16You can't

00:24:17fucking tell

00:24:17anybody.

00:24:18Nobody gives

00:24:18a shit what

00:24:18happens to

00:24:19a guy.

00:24:20I'm going to

00:24:20walk up to

00:24:21another man and

00:24:21be like,

00:24:22excuse me,

00:24:22sir, but she

00:24:23just flicked

00:24:24me in my

00:24:24pee-pee and I

00:24:25didn't like

00:24:26that one bit.

00:24:26No, sir, I

00:24:27didn't like

00:24:28that at all.

00:24:28No, I

00:24:28didn't.

00:24:30All the guys

00:24:31are going to

00:24:31be like, dude,

00:24:32if she did

00:24:38sports bar up

00:24:39top, Super

00:24:40Bowl.

00:24:40Right?

00:24:42That's all I

00:24:42would have

00:24:43got, right?

00:24:44So now I'm

00:24:45standing there.

00:24:45I'm waiting to

00:24:46go on stage.

00:24:47The dude's

00:24:47doing my

00:24:48intro.

00:24:48I'm trying to

00:24:49think about

00:24:49jokes about

00:24:50bread and

00:24:51the tip of

00:24:51my dick is

00:24:52still stinging.

00:24:53This is the

00:24:53world I'm in.

00:24:55And right as

00:24:56he's going to

00:24:56bring me on,

00:24:56all of a sudden

00:24:57she came walking

00:24:58out because she

00:24:58was going to

00:24:58go back out

00:24:59to her fucking

00:24:59car.

00:25:00And that's

00:25:00when my brain

00:25:01started firing

00:25:01up again with

00:25:02some ideas.

00:25:03Started thinking

00:25:04shit that I had

00:25:05never thought before

00:25:05in my life.

00:25:06Going like, dude,

00:25:06there she is.

00:25:09Flick her in

00:25:09the box.

00:25:11Do it, man.

00:25:12Equal rights.

00:25:12She did it to

00:25:13you.

00:25:13You do it back

00:25:13to her.

00:25:14It started

00:25:14making sense.

00:25:15Like, yeah,

00:25:15fuck that.

00:25:15You flick my

00:25:16dick, I'm

00:25:16going to

00:25:16flick your

00:25:17clit.

00:25:17That's right.

00:25:18I'll fucking

00:25:19hit the man

00:25:19in the boat.

00:25:20I'm going to

00:25:21drop down.

00:25:21Uppercut to

00:25:22the bush.

00:25:22Fuck this

00:25:23shit.

00:25:24Think I'm the

00:25:24kind of person

00:25:25who can flick

00:25:25my dick and

00:25:26walk away like

00:25:27it ain't shit,

00:25:27right?

00:25:28And it was

00:25:28making sense

00:25:29until right when

00:25:30she got there,

00:25:30finally I just

00:25:31started thinking

00:25:31of all the

00:25:32sporting events

00:25:32I had watched

00:25:33and I realized

00:25:34that the referee

00:25:34only sees the

00:25:36retaliation.

00:25:37He never sees

00:25:38the first

00:25:38aggression and

00:25:39then you have

00:25:40to go to the

00:25:40yellow card,

00:25:41whatever the fuck

00:25:42you people do

00:25:42over here,

00:25:42right?

00:25:43You go to

00:25:43the penalty box.

00:25:45So I let her

00:25:46go and I went

00:25:47out on stage.

00:25:47I did my shit.

00:25:48But here was the

00:25:49thing.

00:25:49For the next

00:25:49three fucking

00:25:50days, I'm

00:25:51driving around

00:25:51L.A. and I'm

00:25:52just, I'm losing

00:25:53my fucking mind.

00:25:54You know?

00:25:54I'm fucking

00:25:55screaming at the

00:25:55windshield, saying

00:25:57all this shit

00:25:57that I wanted to

00:25:58say but didn't

00:25:58say it in the

00:25:59moment, you know?

00:26:01And it wasn't

00:26:01because, this is

00:26:02the thing, it

00:26:03wasn't because she

00:26:03touched me, you

00:26:04know what I mean?

00:26:05I don't give a

00:26:05fuck about that,

00:26:07all right?

00:26:07You know, when I

00:26:08was a kid, I had

00:26:09a paper route and

00:26:09I was an altar

00:26:10boy, you know?

00:26:13Yeah.

00:26:14You're gonna have

00:26:15to do a little

00:26:16bit better than

00:26:18flick my dick over

00:26:19my jeans and my

00:26:20underwear.

00:26:20It's like, are we

00:26:20gonna do this or

00:26:21what?

00:26:21Like, what is

00:26:22happening here?

00:26:27It's the fact

00:26:27that she thought

00:26:28she could bully me.

00:26:29So after like

00:26:29fucking three

00:26:30days of this

00:26:30shit, I had a

00:26:31splitting headache

00:26:32and I started

00:26:32realizing like,

00:26:33wait a minute,

00:26:33she's winning

00:26:34this thing, you

00:26:35know?

00:26:35Here I am, still

00:26:36thinking about

00:26:37this shit, she's

00:26:38probably gone on

00:26:38to kick, like, I

00:26:39don't know, flick

00:26:3930 to 40 dicks

00:26:40since she's been

00:26:41with me.

00:26:42She doesn't give

00:26:42a fuck about

00:26:43me.

00:26:44So you know

00:26:45what I did?

00:26:45I drove home to

00:26:46my house, there

00:26:46was nobody home, I

00:26:47went upstairs, I

00:26:48closed the door, and

00:26:49I just sat down and

00:26:50I meditated on it

00:26:51and I just forgave

00:26:52her.

00:26:55I did.

00:26:57I just pictured

00:26:58her as a little

00:26:59five-year-old girl

00:27:00crying because her

00:27:01alcoholic dad, you

00:27:03know, wouldn't hug

00:27:04her or something, and

00:27:06she's just standing

00:27:07there crying like,

00:27:07but daddy, I love

00:27:09you.

00:27:09He's like, get away

00:27:10from me, I never

00:27:11wanted children.

00:27:12And then he walked

00:27:13through his screen

00:27:14door and he like

00:27:15face-planted into this

00:27:16above-ground pool and

00:27:18he had a tool belt on

00:27:19and he just sort of

00:27:21pulled him under and

00:27:22she ran out and she

00:27:23grabbed his foot and

00:27:24she was pulling and

00:27:25pulling and his boot

00:27:25came off and she sat

00:27:27down and she just

00:27:28watched him slowly

00:27:29drown.

00:27:33I don't know what

00:27:34happened after that,

00:27:35I just felt like this

00:27:35weight lift off of my

00:27:37chest.

00:27:42So there you go, all

00:27:43you tough guys over

00:27:44here in England, don't

00:27:45be afraid to meditate,

00:27:46man, I'm telling you,

00:27:47you can let a lot of

00:27:49stuff go.

00:27:52I don't know.

00:27:56Do you know, uh,

00:27:58I'm all right with

00:27:59silence.

00:28:00You don't have to feel

00:28:01like you have to do

00:28:02anything fucking extra.

00:28:03Just relax.

00:28:04If it's funny,

00:28:05fucking laugh.

00:28:06If it isn't, just

00:28:06fucking sit there and

00:28:08I'll know it's time to

00:28:08move on.

00:28:16So anyways, I'm a

00:28:17married man with a

00:28:18kid, happily married

00:28:19man.

00:28:19Yes, I am.

00:28:22I, yeah, I love my

00:28:24wife to death.

00:28:24I love everything about

00:28:25being fucking married,

00:28:26but I'll tell you this

00:28:27right now, we do fight

00:28:28a lot.

00:28:29We do argue all the

00:28:30time.

00:28:31If I've learned

00:28:31anything in five years

00:28:33of being married is

00:28:34we're always working

00:28:35on me.

00:28:36You know?

00:28:39Evidently, my wife

00:28:40is this completed work

00:28:41under museum glass that

00:28:43is to be admired and

00:28:44studied.

00:28:45Like, hmm, how did she

00:28:46do that?

00:28:47And I'm like, one of

00:28:48these guys, you know

00:28:49those buildings that

00:28:50just has scaffolding

00:28:51around it for like six

00:28:52straight years?

00:28:52So you're like, are

00:28:53they ever going to

00:28:54finish that thing?

00:28:55Is that some sort of

00:28:55insurance job?

00:28:57Jesus Christ, what a

00:28:58piece of shit.

00:28:58You should just tear it

00:28:59down and start over

00:29:00again.

00:29:02Yeah.

00:29:04I have a temper.

00:29:05So that's the thing.

00:29:06That's what kind of

00:29:06ruins things.

00:29:07Everything else I do is

00:29:08fine, but I have a

00:29:09fucking temper and it

00:29:10just ruins shit.

00:29:11And then my wife always

00:29:12says the same thing.

00:29:13She's always just like,

00:29:13I just don't understand

00:29:14where did that come

00:29:16from?

00:29:17Where is that coming

00:29:19from?

00:29:19You just go from zero

00:29:20to a hundred in two

00:29:22seconds.

00:29:23It's like, first of all,

00:29:24I idle at 75 miles an

00:29:26hour.

00:29:26All right?

00:29:27So don't give me this

00:29:27zero to a hundred.

00:29:28I walked into this

00:29:29restaurant at 75.

00:29:30I could hear that guy

00:29:31talking too loud on his

00:29:32cell phone from the

00:29:33fucking parking lot.

00:29:40Yeah, I fucking tried

00:29:41all of this shit.

00:29:43Whenever she says that

00:29:44to me, though, I swear

00:29:45to God, I just don't

00:29:46understand where is this

00:29:47coming from?

00:29:48It actually hurts my

00:29:49feelings when she says

00:29:50that, you know, because

00:29:52it makes me feel like

00:29:52she's not listening to

00:29:53me.

00:29:55It's like, honey, how

00:29:56many childhood stories do

00:29:57I have to tell you before

00:29:59you follow the breadcrumbs

00:30:01to the absolute lunatic

00:30:02that you married?

00:30:04Didn't you ever take a

00:30:05psychology class?

00:30:08I'm not that complex.

00:30:10Like, I'll tell you guys

00:30:11a quick, uh, I'll tell you

00:30:13a quick childhood story.

00:30:14I'll tell you one of the

00:30:14funnier ones, right?

00:30:15One time when I was,

00:30:16like, six, my older

00:30:18brother was eight.

00:30:19We were in the backseat

00:30:19of my dad's car, and we

00:30:21were, like, laughing, and

00:30:22we were excited because it

00:30:23was around Christmas,

00:30:25right?

00:30:25And my dad just had this

00:30:26thing.

00:30:27He just didn't like joy,

00:30:29you know?

00:30:31So he's sitting there

00:30:32driving.

00:30:32He's going, like, Jesus,

00:30:33Christ, knock it off

00:30:34back there.

00:30:35Christ, you're giggling

00:30:36like a couple little

00:30:38schoolgirls.

00:30:39Christ, you don't

00:30:40straighten up.

00:30:41I'm going to buy you

00:30:42a doll for Christmas.

00:30:43And then he did.

00:30:46I swear to God, he made

00:30:48us hold him up.

00:30:49My mother's taking

00:30:50pictures in front of

00:30:51the Christmas tree.

00:30:52I'm just standing there

00:30:53like, eh, eh.

00:30:57Afterwards, I ran upstairs

00:30:58to my top bunk.

00:31:00My dad knew he fucked up,

00:31:01to his credit.

00:31:02And he came up, he

00:31:02tried to smooth it over.

00:31:03He's like, all right,

00:31:04come on back down.

00:31:05It's over.

00:31:06Come on down and enjoy

00:31:07the holiday.

00:31:09And I'm like, I don't

00:31:10want any gifts.

00:31:10I fucking hate you.

00:31:12Right?

00:31:13He eventually coaxed me

00:31:14down, you know?

00:31:15He just, he softened up

00:31:16a little bit.

00:31:17Look, you don't get your

00:31:17fucking ass back

00:31:18downstairs.

00:31:19No one else can open

00:31:20that gift.

00:31:21I'm moving out.

00:31:21I said moving out.

00:31:24I go back downstairs all

00:31:25shell-shocked.

00:31:26Here's another gift for you,

00:31:27Billy.

00:31:27Billy, I'm like, is this

00:31:28a fucking dollhouse?

00:31:29When does it end?

00:31:32Yeah.

00:31:33That was Christmas,

00:31:34and those were people

00:31:35that loved me.

00:31:39I just don't understand

00:31:40where is this coming from?

00:31:42I just don't understand.

00:31:47So, I gotta do it, though.

00:31:48I gotta work on the temper.

00:31:50I'm gonna do it.

00:31:51You know, I got the kid now,

00:31:52and I just don't want,

00:31:53I don't want to pass it

00:31:54on to her.

00:31:54You know, I got,

00:31:55I have like a demon

00:31:56in my family tree,

00:31:57like this fucking rage.

00:31:59It's just, you know,

00:32:01just keeps following us,

00:32:02and now I got it.

00:32:03I have it so bad,

00:32:05like literally my daughter,

00:32:06she's almost,

00:32:06she's a little over

00:32:07two years old.

00:32:08She's yet to meet me yet.

00:32:10You know?

00:32:11Like the real me.

00:32:13She's seen glimpses of me.

00:32:14I come, hey, how are you?

00:32:18She's seen glimpses of the anger,

00:32:19but I'm able to smooth it over

00:32:21really quickly, like,

00:32:21whoa, daddy almost

00:32:22snapped his bone in half.

00:32:26But I see it in her face.

00:32:28I can see the way

00:32:28she looks at me.

00:32:29She's starting to put it together,

00:32:30like, this dude's

00:32:31a little fucked up, man.

00:32:32This is a little fucked up.

00:32:34I cannot tell you

00:32:35how heartbreaking that is

00:32:36to see from a toddler,

00:32:38much less your own daughter.

00:32:40I'm like, I gotta,

00:32:40I gotta end this thing, man.

00:32:43This rage,

00:32:44it has to end with me.

00:32:45I can't have an angry kid

00:32:46just walking around

00:32:47fucking kicking toys,

00:32:48fucking bullshit,

00:32:49just being like a lunatic.

00:32:51I wanna be like

00:32:51that priest in The Exorcist

00:32:53when the devil got in him

00:32:54and he just fucking

00:32:54leaps out the window

00:32:56and dies, you know?

00:32:58So I've been fucking

00:32:59trying everything, you know?

00:33:00I try, I try, you know,

00:33:02I don't know,

00:33:02I try, I, I, I,

00:33:03I, I,

00:33:06meditating,

00:33:07wearing sweaters.

00:33:08I did that for a while.

00:33:09You know, like if I dressed

00:33:10like, like a regular guy,

00:33:12I'd be one.

00:33:13I drew a smiley face

00:33:15on a post-it

00:33:15and stuck it on my dashboard

00:33:17like that was gonna help

00:33:18with my road rage,

00:33:19you know,

00:33:20driving down the street

00:33:21like, you motherfucker!

00:33:22Oh, ho, ho, okay.

00:33:24I guess I've done that too.

00:33:26Thank you, smiley face.

00:33:30I remember one night

00:33:31I actually considered

00:33:32taking a bath

00:33:33because I was gonna

00:33:34call my wife,

00:33:35I was on the road

00:33:36and I was like,

00:33:36I don't wanna have

00:33:37a fight with her,

00:33:37I need to relax,

00:33:38what the fuck can I do?

00:33:39And I thought about it,

00:33:40it's like women take baths,

00:33:41right?

00:33:41They do.

00:33:42It's a very feminine thing,

00:33:43they have a bad week,

00:33:45I just wanna decompress

00:33:46and they just half a soak

00:33:48and then they're just fine.

00:33:50Next thing you know,

00:33:50they're drinking wine,

00:33:51they're calling friends,

00:33:52I'm so glad you're in my life

00:33:55and I feel I can get back

00:33:56out there again, right?

00:33:59So I'm literally alone,

00:34:00I start drawing a bath

00:34:01and the water came

00:34:02all the way up

00:34:03and at the end of the day,

00:34:05I couldn't fucking do it,

00:34:09there's just no way

00:34:10as a man

00:34:10to take a bath

00:34:12and not think about

00:34:13killing yourself,

00:34:14you know?

00:34:15There's just something

00:34:17about slipping into

00:34:18that coffin-shaped thing,

00:34:19it's like,

00:34:20am I gonna slit my wrists?

00:34:22Am I testifying against the mob?

00:34:24What the fuck am I doing here?

00:34:26I'm a man,

00:34:27I don't take a bath,

00:34:28you take a shower,

00:34:29hose it off,

00:34:29block out your feelings,

00:34:31keep walking

00:34:31till you drop

00:34:32of a heart attack,

00:34:34literally,

00:34:34as you're going down,

00:34:35are you okay?

00:34:36I'm fine,

00:34:37I'm fine!

00:34:40Can't take a bath

00:34:40sitting there

00:34:41playing with a rubber ducky,

00:34:42sticking my toe

00:34:43in the faucet,

00:34:43right?

00:34:45I'm not allowed,

00:34:47I'm not allowed

00:34:47to be that happy,

00:34:48so I don't know

00:34:49what I'm gonna do,

00:34:50I think I'm gonna go back

00:34:50to therapy,

00:34:51do that fucking bullshit again,

00:34:54fast forward

00:34:54through all these stories

00:34:55I've told a million times,

00:34:58I gotta do it though,

00:34:59I'm gonna do it for my kid

00:35:00and do it for my wife

00:35:01and selfishly

00:35:02do it for me

00:35:04because,

00:35:05no,

00:35:06I'm gonna tell you why,

00:35:07you're not gonna like

00:35:08the results,

00:35:08miss.

00:35:14This is why I'm gonna do it

00:35:15because if I actually

00:35:16don't have a temper,

00:35:17like,

00:35:17I just think to myself,

00:35:18like,

00:35:18what could my wife

00:35:19complain to me,

00:35:21what could my wife

00:35:22bitch at me about,

00:35:24right?

00:35:25I fucking crush everything.

00:35:28I do,

00:35:29I take out the trash,

00:35:30okay,

00:35:30the gate was squeaky

00:35:31the other day,

00:35:32I fucking,

00:35:33I made sure that was done,

00:35:34you know?

00:35:35I pick up after myself,

00:35:37I like to think

00:35:38I'm a good dad,

00:35:39I work my ass off

00:35:40and make a great

00:35:40fucking living,

00:35:42crush all of that.

00:35:44All she has on me

00:35:46is who I am

00:35:46as a person.

00:35:49That's it.

00:35:53Yeah,

00:35:53if I could just

00:35:54not be who I was

00:35:56when she met me,

00:35:58I think I'd have a shot,

00:35:59you know?

00:36:00So,

00:36:01we figured out

00:36:02the number one thing

00:36:02we fight about

00:36:03is television,

00:36:04you know?

00:36:04I watch sports,

00:36:05she watches those

00:36:06Real Housewives,

00:36:07you know,

00:36:07it just,

00:36:08it just doesn't work out,

00:36:09you know?

00:36:09You guys have

00:36:10the Real Housewives

00:36:10out here?

00:36:11You do?

00:36:12Yeah, yeah.

00:36:12It's just,

00:36:13I imagine it's just

00:36:14the most depressing

00:36:14fucking thing ever.

00:36:16Those women,

00:36:17they just look so

00:36:17fucking exhausted,

00:36:18you know what I mean?

00:36:19They just put the war paint

00:36:21and the circle tits

00:36:22just trying to fucking

00:36:23tuck it in

00:36:24and fucking,

00:36:25like an athlete

00:36:26at the end of their career

00:36:27just trying to limp

00:36:28off the field

00:36:28one more time.

00:36:29They're not as fast

00:36:30as they used to be,

00:36:31it reminds you

00:36:32of your own mortality,

00:36:33it's just like,

00:36:33ladies,

00:36:34just fucking sit down,

00:36:35put on something flowing,

00:36:36I'll put on a sport coat,

00:36:38we'll be in bed

00:36:38by 8.30,

00:36:39right?

00:36:39We're fucking old,

00:36:40you know?

00:36:42So,

00:36:43we realized that,

00:36:44I don't know,

00:36:45we always fight

00:36:45about the television,

00:36:46so I'm like,

00:36:47well,

00:36:47why don't we,

00:36:47what about documentaries?

00:36:48Why don't we just tape

00:36:49something we both like?

00:36:50We both love documentaries.

00:36:52They're fun,

00:36:53right?

00:36:53You watch them,

00:36:54you learn something,

00:36:55you repeat it at a party,

00:36:57people think you read.

00:37:02So I tape,

00:37:03you know,

00:37:03first one I tape

00:37:04is on Elvis Presley,

00:37:05right?

00:37:05Now I love Elvis,

00:37:07okay?

00:37:08He fascinates me,

00:37:09he's like the first rock star

00:37:10with the power of television,

00:37:12they just intersected

00:37:13and he went to this,

00:37:14he ascended to this level of fame

00:37:16that no one had ever been to before.

00:37:18Hence,

00:37:19he made all the mistakes

00:37:20because there was no one

00:37:21there to help him out,

00:37:22right?

00:37:22He got a piece of shit manager

00:37:24that stole from him,

00:37:25bam!

00:37:26He stopped making music,

00:37:27started making shitty movies,

00:37:28he's not a good actor,

00:37:30right?

00:37:30Does that,

00:37:31married a minor,

00:37:32started doing drugs,

00:37:33got fat,

00:37:34got an entourage,

00:37:35got even fatter,

00:37:36started wearing onesies,

00:37:37doing karate kits,

00:37:38splitting his fucking pants,

00:37:40nobody's saying shit,

00:37:41you look good,

00:37:42King,

00:37:42you like that?

00:37:43You like what my,

00:37:43royal bulls hang out,

00:37:45we love it,

00:37:46King,

00:37:46keep fucking going.

00:37:47Starts doing pills,

00:37:48gets addicted,

00:37:49he fucking dies alone

00:37:51on a toilet.

00:37:53All right,

00:37:53this man kicked open

00:37:55all of those fucking doors

00:37:56for the rest of us,

00:37:57all right?

00:37:59So I sit down

00:38:00and I'm watching this documentary

00:38:02as a white dude,

00:38:03which is what I am.

00:38:05I'm looking out

00:38:05my white head,

00:38:06watching this white shit,

00:38:08it's coming back

00:38:09into my white eyes,

00:38:10getting whiter

00:38:10by the fucking second.

00:38:12All right?

00:38:14Now my wife,

00:38:15on the other hand,

00:38:16she's black,

00:38:16right?

00:38:17Now I hate saying that

00:38:18because it makes it seem

00:38:19like I'm going to start

00:38:20doing some stupid

00:38:20comparison jokes.

00:38:22You know those dumb

00:38:22white guy,

00:38:23black guy jokes?

00:38:24And it's always like

00:38:25the white guy's like,

00:38:26oh Jesus,

00:38:26I gotta do my taxes,

00:38:28can this chair hold me?

00:38:30The black guy's always like,

00:38:31you need to loosen up,

00:38:32you gotta relax,

00:38:33man,

00:38:33you just gotta let it happen.

00:38:34All right?

00:38:40It's always the same

00:38:41stupid fucking joke.

00:38:42I hate those jokes,

00:38:43you know,

00:38:43because they're easy

00:38:44and it's been my experience

00:38:45that it's just not true.

00:38:47You know?

00:38:4715 years of being with her,

00:38:49there's really no difference,

00:38:51you know?

00:38:51Because at the end of the day,

00:38:53it's a woman.

00:38:55All right?

00:38:57It's gonna be the same fights.

00:38:59I don't give a fuck

00:39:00who you're with.

00:39:01I'm not gonna lie to you.

00:39:03There might be more

00:39:03head movement

00:39:04and hand gestures

00:39:05with different races of women.

00:39:08Possibly an index finger

00:39:10jabbing at your forehead,

00:39:11whatever the fuck that is.

00:39:13But at the end of the day,

00:39:14it's the same fights.

00:39:15What's going on with us?

00:39:16Do you need to work on this?

00:39:17Why don't we communicate better?

00:39:19Right?

00:39:20So she starts watching this shit

00:39:21as a black person, right?

00:39:23And she's seeing all the racism,

00:39:24obviously,

00:39:25that I'm seeing,

00:39:26but she was catching

00:39:27all this subtle shit

00:39:28that I was too white to see,

00:39:29but I knew I was missing it

00:39:31because I just kept hearing her

00:39:32huffing and puffing

00:39:33just sitting next to me

00:39:34being like,

00:39:38and I'm just sitting there like,

00:39:39okay, somebody did something.

00:39:42I don't know what just happened,

00:39:44but I don't think that was good.

00:39:48So right when I didn't think

00:39:50it could get any worse,

00:39:51it could get any more uncomfortable

00:39:53between the two of us,

00:39:54this fucking white dude comes on

00:39:55who evidently discovered Elvis,

00:39:57and he's like 100 and fucking 90 years old,

00:40:00and he comes out and starts talking.

00:40:02He's just like,

00:40:02well, basically,

00:40:04I was looking for a white boy

00:40:06that could take the down and dirty,

00:40:08nasty blues

00:40:09and combine it with the pristine,

00:40:11angelic sounds of bluegrass.

00:40:14Yeah, that's what he was doing.

00:40:15He was subtly putting black shit down here

00:40:17while he was propping up the white shit.

00:40:19You know,

00:40:20the down and dirty,

00:40:21daddy not sticking around,

00:40:22drug-infested neighborhood blues

00:40:24with the Jesus as white as me,

00:40:27hair the color of the sun,

00:40:30angelic bluegrass playing music, right?

00:40:33So at this point,

00:40:34my wife has like fucking steam

00:40:35coming out of her ears,

00:40:36so I make a judgment call.

00:40:38I just fucking shut it off, right?

00:40:40And she looks at me.

00:40:41She's like,

00:40:42why did you shut that off?

00:40:43Why did you shut it off?

00:40:44I was like,

00:40:45because you're about three minutes away

00:40:46from yelling at me

00:40:47like I produced this music.

00:40:51All right?

00:40:53Let's just forget it.

00:40:55We'll watch something else.

00:40:55She's like,

00:40:56no,

00:40:56why can't we just watch the rest of this

00:40:58and then discuss it afterwards?

00:41:01It's like,

00:41:01I don't fucking do that.

00:41:04I just want to watch a documentary.

00:41:06I don't want to have a fucking lecture

00:41:08because of these fucking assholes.

00:41:09I didn't do anything.

00:41:10I'm just sitting there watching TV.

00:41:14And not to mention,

00:41:15we're just going to get into an argument.

00:41:16She's like,

00:41:17why would we get into an argument?

00:41:18I'm like,

00:41:19ugh.

00:41:19All right,

00:41:20you know why?

00:41:20Because not for nothing,

00:41:21there was some black people in there

00:41:22saying some shit

00:41:23that I didn't agree with.

00:41:24You know?

00:41:24I'm not huffing and puffing.

00:41:27Yeah.

00:41:28I said that.

00:41:30Like a fucking idiot.

00:41:34She just looks at me.

00:41:35She's like,

00:41:35like what black people?

00:41:37Like what black people

00:41:38that said what?

00:41:40At that point,

00:41:41it's like you started the luge,

00:41:43right?

00:41:43You can't get off the fucking slit.

00:41:46Now you got to have the argument.

00:41:48I'm like,

00:41:48ah fuck,

00:41:48here we go.

00:41:49Guess we're having this.

00:41:50And I'm like,

00:41:50all right.

00:41:51All right,

00:41:52the black guy who brought up

00:41:53leg shaking

00:41:53saying Elvis took leg shaking

00:41:55from us.

00:41:56It's like,

00:41:57really?

00:41:57Leg shaking?

00:41:59Nobody thought to fucking do this?

00:42:02Black people came up with that?

00:42:03You telling me that?

00:42:04I don't even give you that.

00:42:06Let's say you came up with that,

00:42:07but where did that black dude

00:42:08learn how to do it?

00:42:09Didn't he watch some older black guy do it?

00:42:11But what,

00:42:11because he's the same color?

00:42:13He's not stealing.

00:42:14He's just carrying on the tradition.

00:42:15But if Elvis does it,

00:42:16oh,

00:42:16what the fuck?

00:42:17Now he's the biggest thief ever?

00:42:18That doesn't make any sense to me.

00:42:20She goes,

00:42:20no,

00:42:21you idiot.

00:42:21It's not about the leg shaking.

00:42:23Okay?

00:42:23It's about,

00:42:24he appropriated a culture.

00:42:25He took all the music.

00:42:26He got all the money,

00:42:27got all the fame.

00:42:28He's called the king of it now.

00:42:29And he never gave a shit,

00:42:31not even a shout out.

00:42:33And I was like,

00:42:34all right.

00:42:38Fair enough.

00:42:40You made about seven or eight good points there

00:42:42that I can't refute.

00:42:46He appropriated a culture.

00:42:47I get it.

00:42:48You're right.

00:42:48So he goes,

00:42:49fine.

00:42:50And I go,

00:42:51however,

00:42:54not for nothing.

00:42:55Do I get mad at you

00:42:56when you get on a skateboard

00:42:57and you start going down the fucking street?

00:43:00Do I get all offended?

00:43:01Like,

00:43:01hey man,

00:43:02that's some white shit.

00:43:03Stop appropriating my culture,

00:43:05man.

00:43:05Some dirty white kid in Santa Monica

00:43:08came up with that,

00:43:09man.

00:43:10So she starts laughing.

00:43:11And I should have stopped there,

00:43:13but I'm a comedian.

00:43:14Right?

00:43:15I'm like,

00:43:16oh,

00:43:16I'm getting a laugh.

00:43:17There's got to be a bigger laugh.

00:43:19So keep going,

00:43:19Bill.

00:43:20Let's come with another example.

00:43:22So I'm like,

00:43:23yeah,

00:43:23do I get mad at you

00:43:24when you fly from L.A.

00:43:25to New York

00:43:25in under six hours?

00:43:27And she just,

00:43:28yeah.

00:43:29Yeah.

00:43:31She just stares at me.

00:43:32She's just like,

00:43:33that was fucked up.

00:43:37I was like,

00:43:37yeah,

00:43:38yeah,

00:43:38I know.

00:43:39It sounded good in my fucking head

00:43:41and then it came out.

00:43:42I just,

00:43:42I was just going for the laugh.

00:43:43Then she wouldn't let up.

00:43:44She's like,

00:43:45well,

00:43:45why is it fucked up?

00:43:46Why is it fucked up?

00:43:47So now I'm back in the classroom.

00:43:48And I'm like,

00:43:49because

00:43:52if historically speaking,

00:43:53black people enjoyed

00:43:54the same amount

00:43:55of freedom

00:43:56and privilege,

00:43:57they would have had the money

00:43:57and the time

00:43:58to figure out

00:43:59how to fly too.

00:44:00And she goes,

00:44:00that's right.

00:44:01And I go,

00:44:02however,

00:44:05your music

00:44:06would have suffered.

00:44:13You can't have

00:44:14my level of freedom

00:44:15and privilege

00:44:16walking around

00:44:17with that cul-de-sac.

00:44:18It really is

00:44:18going to be okay

00:44:19and come up

00:44:20with that painful,

00:44:21beautiful music.

00:44:22You can't do that.

00:44:23Next thing you know,

00:44:24you're clapping

00:44:24on the fucking downbeat.

00:44:26You're playing

00:44:26a washboard.

00:44:27James Brown

00:44:28is line dancing.

00:44:29All goes out the window.

00:44:31So you got to make

00:44:31a choice.

00:44:34Either you learn

00:44:35how to fly

00:44:35and your music sucks.

00:44:40Oh,

00:44:41I just noticed

00:44:41this thing came off.

00:44:42We can't have this.

00:44:43There's got to be continuity

00:44:44between the fucking shows here.

00:44:47Oh,

00:44:47Jesus Christ.

00:44:48This thing never comes off.

00:44:50It's right when you tape

00:44:51a fucking special,

00:44:52then everything

00:44:53just falls apart.

00:44:54Royal Admiral Hall,

00:44:55huh?

00:44:55Where did you buy

00:44:56this mic stand,

00:44:57huh?

00:44:58Where the fuck

00:44:58did you get this?

00:45:03You know,

00:45:03the mic stand guy

00:45:04is all fucking pissed off.

00:45:06Right.

00:45:06It's a jolly good

00:45:07fucking mic stand.

00:45:08I know how to fucking

00:45:08fucking yank.

00:45:10Fucking yank,

00:45:11and then all of a sudden

00:45:12everything fucking

00:45:12falls off on her.

00:45:16How dare you?

00:45:17The queen comes down here

00:45:18and sits in a box

00:45:19and watches this show.

00:45:24You know what

00:45:25I heard about you guys?

00:45:30Actually,

00:45:30by the way,

00:45:31I've been over here

00:45:31for a week

00:45:32and as an American,

00:45:33I gotta say something.

00:45:34You guys are pretty fat too.

00:45:41Yeah.

00:45:44Specifically the men.

00:45:45I don't know

00:45:46what's going on

00:45:46with the men,

00:45:47but I don't give a fuck

00:45:48how fat you get.

00:45:49You're gonna pour yourself

00:45:50into your skinny jeans.

00:45:52They still got them.

00:45:53It's like you're squeezing

00:45:54all the fat to the top

00:45:55like toothpaste.

00:45:56Roy,

00:45:57I'm still wearing me

00:45:58saying jeans

00:45:58from primary school.

00:46:07I don't know.

00:46:08But anyways,

00:46:08you know what I'm afraid of?

00:46:10You know what I'm afraid of?

00:46:11Robots.

00:46:12Yeah.

00:46:13I saw one get interviewed

00:46:15on 60 Minutes,

00:46:16the top journalistic program

00:46:18in the United States.

00:46:20And he's just sitting there

00:46:21getting interviewed,

00:46:21not nervous at all,

00:46:22just rattling off

00:46:23all the fucking answers.

00:46:25You know?

00:46:26Not smoking,

00:46:27not fucking,

00:46:28you know,

00:46:28leaking oil,

00:46:29whatever you would do

00:46:30as a nervous robot,

00:46:31right?

00:46:32And the reporter's

00:46:33asking him questions

00:46:34and in the end,

00:46:35he goes,

00:46:35so tell us.

00:46:36He's like,

00:46:37what are your goals?

00:46:39And I am alone

00:46:40in a hotel room

00:46:41and I literally

00:46:42lean towards the TV.

00:46:44I'm like,

00:46:44do these fucking things

00:46:44have goals?

00:46:50And the fucking robot

00:46:52just answers.

00:46:52He just goes,

00:46:53he goes,

00:46:54what are your goals?

00:46:55And the robot goes,

00:46:55to become smarter

00:46:56than human beings.

00:46:58Yeah.

00:46:59And the reporter

00:47:00just blows by it.

00:47:01He's like,

00:47:01okay,

00:47:02and what's your

00:47:03favorite color?

00:47:05Meanwhile,

00:47:05I'm standing on my bed

00:47:06yelling at the TV

00:47:07like,

00:47:08dude,

00:47:08unplug that fucking thing.

00:47:10Take the batteries out.

00:47:11Pull the wires out.

00:47:13Do something.

00:47:14How many sci-fi movies

00:47:16do you have to see

00:47:17before you realize

00:47:18where this is going?

00:47:21So anyways,

00:47:22every smart person,

00:47:23every super smart person

00:47:24in the world

00:47:25is saying these

00:47:26fucking things

00:47:26are going to kill us.

00:47:27Even your boy here,

00:47:28the guy who,

00:47:28he recently died.

00:47:29What was his name?

00:47:29He was always sitting down.

00:47:34Hawkins,

00:47:34Stephen Hawkins,

00:47:35yeah.

00:47:36Too good to fucking

00:47:37stand up

00:47:38and make his point

00:47:39just sitting down

00:47:40all fucking smarmy.

00:47:44Oh,

00:47:45I care so much.

00:47:46I poured ice on myself.

00:47:51And I showed off my abs

00:47:52at the same time

00:47:53for the gram.

00:47:57I'm just fucking with you.

00:47:58I'm so glad

00:47:59that guy's fucking dead,

00:48:00though.

00:48:00You know?

00:48:02Look at you guys.

00:48:03Your heart.

00:48:04How much longer

00:48:04do you want him to suffer?

00:48:06You don't believe

00:48:07in an afterlife?

00:48:08Maybe he's up there now.

00:48:09His fucking legs work.

00:48:10He's getting an angelic blowjob.

00:48:12How much longer

00:48:13do you want him

00:48:13to fucking sit there

00:48:14so you can feel better

00:48:15about yourself?

00:48:16Well,

00:48:16at least I'm not all

00:48:17fucking twisted up

00:48:19saying smart shit.

00:48:20Right?

00:48:22I couldn't fucking

00:48:23stand that guy.

00:48:27He was so fucking negative.

00:48:29He never had anything

00:48:29positive to say.

00:48:31Hey, Steve,

00:48:32what do you got

00:48:32for us today?

00:48:33In 2035,

00:48:34there'll be no more apples.

00:48:36Thank you, Steve.

00:48:37Thanks a lot.

00:48:39Wasn't thinking about that.

00:48:40Now I am.

00:48:42Hey,

00:48:42so what's the solution?

00:48:44It's too late.

00:48:45We needed to try

00:48:4540 years ago.

00:48:47Thanks a lot, buddy.

00:48:48I'm going to go cry

00:48:49with my child now.

00:48:51Dude,

00:48:51I can hang out

00:48:52with that guy

00:48:52for about three minutes

00:48:53before I took the break

00:48:54off his chair

00:48:55and just zoomed him

00:48:55into the other room.

00:48:58Hey, Steve,

00:48:59come back in

00:49:00when you got something

00:49:00dumb and positive to say.

00:49:03Yeah.

00:49:04Well, listen,

00:49:05I agreed with all

00:49:06of these super smart people

00:49:07thinking that these

00:49:08fucking robots

00:49:09were going to kill us.

00:49:10Right?

00:49:10I agreed with all

00:49:12of that shit

00:49:12until a couple of years ago

00:49:14I was in New York

00:49:14and I was looking

00:49:15through a newspaper,

00:49:16right?

00:49:16And I have a whole

00:49:17new fucking theory.

00:49:18But in order for me

00:49:19to tell you my theory,

00:49:20I have to quickly

00:49:21take you back

00:49:22to the deep,

00:49:23dark,

00:49:23sordid history

00:49:24of the blow-up doll.

00:49:26All right?

00:49:27I know there's a lot

00:49:28of millennials here,

00:49:29young people.

00:49:30You probably don't even

00:49:30know what one of these is.

00:49:31All right?

00:49:33With your fucking,

00:49:34I don't know what you guys do,

00:49:34your virtual reality glasses,

00:49:36you know,

00:49:37fucking free porn

00:49:38flying by you,

00:49:39grabbing titties,

00:49:39and whatever.

00:49:40Whatever it is

00:49:42you're doing.

00:49:42All right?

00:49:46Back in the day,

00:49:47this was the deal.

00:49:48If you were a person

00:49:49and you wanted

00:49:50to have sex

00:49:51with somebody else,

00:49:52but, like,

00:49:53nobody else

00:49:54wanted to have sex

00:49:55with you,

00:49:57and, you know,

00:49:58you weren't strong enough

00:49:59to hold anybody down,

00:50:00I mean...

00:50:04You had to go.

00:50:05You had this

00:50:06how it was.

00:50:07You had to go out

00:50:08and you had to get

00:50:09a blow-up doll,

00:50:09and you had to

00:50:10fucking go out

00:50:11and get it.

00:50:12You had to fucking

00:50:12go out and get it.

00:50:13All right?

00:50:14You couldn't just order it

00:50:15off of an Amazon

00:50:16and some delivery guy

00:50:18shows up.

00:50:19He doesn't know

00:50:19what's in the box.

00:50:20You're standing there

00:50:21like Tom Hanks.

00:50:22Hey, how you doing?

00:50:23Great to see you.

00:50:24I'm gonna fuck that.

00:50:26You have no idea

00:50:27what it is.

00:50:29Now,

00:50:30dude,

00:50:31you had to go down

00:50:32and you had to

00:50:33fucking get this thing.

00:50:35You had to find

00:50:36a porno store,

00:50:37you had to work it out

00:50:37that was far enough

00:50:38away from your house

00:50:39that no one was

00:50:40gonna recognize your car.

00:50:41You drive down

00:50:42at like 11 in the morning.

00:50:44Who the fuck

00:50:44is gonna be there then,

00:50:45right?

00:50:45You'd park in the back

00:50:47on like a Tuesday

00:50:48just sitting there

00:50:48in the car

00:50:49psyching yourself up

00:50:50like,

00:50:51okay,

00:50:52I'm not hurting anybody.

00:50:53It's just an urge.

00:50:54Just get in there,

00:50:55okay?

00:50:56Hand him the money.

00:50:57Just get in there

00:50:57and get it done.

00:50:58You yank your hat down,

00:50:59you fucking walk in

00:51:00with all your courage.

00:51:02And then you get in there

00:51:03and be too many

00:51:03other perverts in there

00:51:04and you get all psyched out.

00:51:05So what you do

00:51:06is you just grab

00:51:07a bunch of videotapes

00:51:08and you walked up

00:51:09to the counter

00:51:09and you had to make it

00:51:10look like it was

00:51:11an impulse buy,

00:51:12right?

00:51:12And you're walking up

00:51:14and everything,

00:51:14all the creepy shit

00:51:16was behind the counter,

00:51:17right?

00:51:18Just fucking heads

00:51:19and feet,

00:51:21just an ass.

00:51:22Body parts,

00:51:23serial killer buffet.

00:51:24What fucking world

00:51:25am I entering?

00:51:27Oh my God,

00:51:28somebody's fucking

00:51:28a neck?

00:51:29Jesus Christ,

00:51:30right?

00:51:30And you set it down.

00:51:34Just make it look

00:51:35real subtle.

00:51:35Okay, buddy,

00:51:36is that gonna be all?

00:51:37Uh, yeah, no.

00:51:38Uh, maybe that,

00:51:39maybe that thing down here

00:51:41with the surprise

00:51:42look on its face.

00:51:44Uh, maybe I'd like

00:51:45to take a shot at that.

00:51:46I don't know.

00:51:47The guy wraps it up

00:51:49and then you finally get it,

00:51:49you give him the money,

00:51:50you fucking run out

00:51:50to the car,

00:51:51you have this whole

00:51:52weird emotion.

00:51:53You're like excited

00:51:53and you hated yourself.

00:51:54Thank God I finally did it!

00:51:56What the fuck

00:51:56is wrong with me?

00:51:57Just drive off.

00:51:59You go back

00:52:00to your little shitty

00:52:01fucking apartment

00:52:02and you had to

00:52:02blow it up quietly

00:52:04so none of your

00:52:04neighbors heard

00:52:05just like,

00:52:09then you got excited,

00:52:10start going a little faster

00:52:13and just watching

00:52:14this thing

00:52:14slowly come into life

00:52:16just like...

00:52:26and then you'd wrap

00:52:27those rubber legs

00:52:28around you

00:52:31and God forbid

00:52:32you got caught.

00:52:33Your roommate comes

00:52:34walking and he's

00:52:35fucking a blow-up doll!

00:52:37Dude, your life

00:52:38was over.

00:52:40You had like six minutes

00:52:41to get your mom

00:52:42on the phone like,

00:52:43Mom, I love you

00:52:43and you're never

00:52:44going to see me again.

00:52:45Don't believe what people

00:52:45said about me.

00:52:46I'm so sorry.

00:52:47I'm going to Alaska.

00:52:48Oh, God, God.

00:52:49Click.

00:52:49That was it.

00:52:50You moved to Alaska.

00:52:51That was no one

00:52:52ever saw you again.

00:52:53And that's why

00:52:54to this day

00:52:55if you go to Alaska

00:52:56there's like eight men

00:52:57for every two women.

00:52:59Yeah,

00:53:00because that state

00:53:01is littered with men

00:53:02who got caught

00:53:03fucking shit

00:53:03they shouldn't

00:53:04have been fucking.

00:53:07So now,

00:53:08fast forward

00:53:09to about 2016

00:53:11I'm in New York City,

00:53:12right?

00:53:12And I'm looking

00:53:13through the newspaper

00:53:14or whatever

00:53:14and I come across

00:53:15an article

00:53:15and it's on this robot

00:53:17that for $10,000

00:53:18you buy this thing

00:53:19you can have sex with it.

00:53:21Right?

00:53:22Now notice,

00:53:22five minutes ago

00:53:23I brought up

00:53:24a blow-up doll.

00:53:26Didn't even have a joke

00:53:27just said blow-up doll

00:53:28and you all laughed.

00:53:29A blow-up doll.

00:53:30Who would do

00:53:31such a stupid thing?

00:53:32Right?

00:53:32That's weird.

00:53:33Five minutes later

00:53:34I say a robot

00:53:35that you can have sex with

00:53:37dead silence in here.

00:53:40As if collectively

00:53:42you were all just like

00:53:43well

00:53:45what does it look like?

00:53:48I'm not gonna lie to you

00:53:50it still looks like

00:53:51a dead body

00:53:52but it looks

00:53:53way fucking better

00:53:55than that blow-up doll

00:53:56from 30 years ago

00:53:57and that's what scares me

00:53:59because everything

00:54:00gets better.

00:54:01Right?

00:54:02You look at when

00:54:02cars first came out

00:54:03the stupid horn

00:54:05you had to crank start it

00:54:06you'd run over

00:54:07your best friend

00:54:08now you can start one up

00:54:09with a remote control

00:54:10from like 50 yards away.

00:54:12Right?

00:54:13Remember when airbags

00:54:14first came out?

00:54:15They just had one

00:54:16for the driver.

00:54:18My family!

00:54:23Oh my God!

00:54:27Oh my God!

00:54:29Why would you just save me?

00:54:34And then eventually

00:54:35they got airbags

00:54:37for everybody.

00:54:39Well these robot sex dolls

00:54:42are gonna be no different.

00:54:43Okay?

00:54:44They're just gonna keep

00:54:44getting better

00:54:45and better

00:54:46and better

00:54:46and these fucking nerds

00:54:47are not gonna be making

00:54:48any regular looking

00:54:49robot dolls, right?

00:54:51You know,

00:54:51some girl next door

00:54:52you know,

00:54:52just some plain Jane

00:54:53the chick your mom likes

00:54:55being like

00:54:55well there's a nice girl

00:54:56you can settle down with

00:54:58she knows how to cook.

00:54:59Fuck that.

00:55:00They're gonna make

00:55:00Victoria's Secret

00:55:01supermodels

00:55:02just absolutely

00:55:03like Paris runway

00:55:04looking supermodels

00:55:05and you're gonna be able

00:55:06to come home

00:55:06to one of these things

00:55:07and it's gonna laugh

00:55:08at all your jokes

00:55:09ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah

00:55:13it's gonna sit down

00:55:15and watch the game with you

00:55:16like it doesn't get

00:55:17any better than this

00:55:20yes it does

00:55:21ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah

00:55:26and it's gonna get up

00:55:27and make you a fucking

00:55:28I don't know

00:55:29a butt cake

00:55:29or a meat pie

00:55:30whatever the fuck

00:55:31you people eat

00:55:31right?

00:55:33there's not gonna be

00:55:34a human woman in here

00:55:36that's gonna be able

00:55:37to compete with that

00:55:38for longer than 90 minutes

00:55:39even on your birthday

00:55:40by the third trip

00:55:42to the fridge

00:55:42she's gonna be like

00:55:43you're gonna fucking

00:55:43get it yourself

00:55:44What am I, you slave?

00:55:45Go fuck yourself.

00:55:47And after you've been with one of these robots, like sex dolls, this, you're not going to

00:55:51be able to go back to a real woman, right, with all her hopes and dreams and her needs.

00:55:57You're going to be coming home and she's like, what is going on with you?

00:56:00We're not connecting.

00:56:01We need a date night.

00:56:02All you'll be thinking is like, how do I shut this fucking thing off?

00:56:06What is it, on nagging mode?

00:56:08Why isn't it blowing me right now?

00:56:10I clearly entered the room.

00:56:12I entered the room.

00:56:13It's supposed to drop to its knees and blow me.

00:56:16I don't understand.

00:56:18Yeah, like your ego is going to be at like a dictator level.

00:56:21Like me and my man kids have arrived.

00:56:24Service me.

00:56:25Say that I am your lord.

00:56:30Yeah, that's it.

00:56:31That's it.

00:56:31You're not going to be able to go back to a real woman.

00:56:33And then nobody's going to be fucking women.

00:56:34So they're going to get lonely.

00:56:36So they're going to have to create a doll for you guys, right?

00:56:38A giant fucking...

00:56:39I don't know what you guys are into.

00:56:40I don't pretend to know.

00:56:41Like some giant Brad Pitt looking fucking robot doll.

00:56:45Fucking eight pack abs.

00:56:46A robot dick down to the floor.

00:56:48You know?

00:56:49Holds both your hands when you tell a story.

00:56:51Right?

00:56:54Whatever you're into.

00:56:56Opens a bottle of wine at 12 noon.

00:56:58It's got to be five o'clock somewhere.

00:57:01Ha, ha, ha.

00:57:02Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

00:57:06Yeah.

00:57:08I think they're going to fuck us into extinction.

00:57:11Because at that point the only people left having sex with other human beings

00:57:15are going to be hipsters and the homeless.

00:57:17Right?

00:57:18Because hipsters, they love all the old shit, right?

00:57:20Cassette tapes, frisbees, dressing like a cobbler.

00:57:23Whatever the fuck it is they're doing.

00:57:24Right?

00:57:26But even a homeless guy, you know, after like, I don't know, a couple of years,

00:57:30he'll be able to drag some old, one-legged, fucked-out robot model out of the trash.

00:57:36Drag it back to its lair and even...

00:57:39That thing will still be building them up, you know?

00:57:42Just laying there like, I don't think you smell that bad.

00:57:44Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

00:57:48This is my favorite bridge.

00:57:50Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

00:57:56And we're all going to fucking die off.

00:57:58And what's going to be left to fight these robots off

00:58:00is going to be an entire generation of hipsterspawn.

00:58:04Yeah.

00:58:05And they're going to go to war ironically.

00:58:08Yeah.

00:58:09Dressing, dressed like, I don't know, fucking growing Civil War beards.

00:58:13Dressing like Star Wars action figures.

00:58:15And they're going to get fucking slaughtered.

00:58:19And right when they get down to the last 30,

00:58:21there's going to be some liberal robot going like,

00:58:23we should save a few for posterity.

00:58:26Right?

00:58:26And they're just going to stick them in a zoo.

00:58:29And be this little hodgepodge of what was left.

00:58:31You know, black, white, Latin, Asian, gay, straight, trans, whatever.

00:58:34Whatever the fuck.

00:58:36Right?

00:58:37And they're still going to be arguing with each other.

00:58:41The robots are just going to be standing outside going,

00:58:43I love it when they cross their legs.

00:58:45Ha, ha, ha, ha.

00:58:51Yeah.

00:58:51And this is the fucking world that I brought my daughter into.

00:58:55Like, I actually am legitimately scared about that.

00:59:00But I got, I don't know.

00:59:01I got to tell you though, becoming a dad though was the greatest,

00:59:04is the greatest fucking thing that ever happened to me, man.

00:59:06It really is.

00:59:07I don't have any jokes about my kids.

00:59:08No, it is.

00:59:10And you're applauding my wife.

00:59:11She did all the work.

00:59:13Yeah.

00:59:15Yeah.

00:59:15Knocking a woman up.

00:59:16That's easy.

00:59:16You just, you just have fun.

00:59:19Unprotected sex.

00:59:19Bam.

00:59:20You knock them up.

00:59:20And then they have to deal with it.

00:59:22You know?

00:59:22No matter how much they try to drag you into it.

00:59:24It really is.

00:59:25It's their show.

00:59:27You know?

00:59:28I always say my wife, whenever my wife was pregnant, I'd say my wife, you know, she's

00:59:32pregnant.

00:59:32And then I always have these people go, excuse me, you're supposed to say we're pregnant?

00:59:36You're supposed to say we're pregnant?

00:59:39It's like, well, I'm not a seahorse.

00:59:41So, I'm not fucking pregnant.

00:59:43My wife is pregnant.

00:59:44Look at her.

00:59:45She's putting on weight.

00:59:45Her feet are swelling up.

00:59:46You know, she's miserable.

00:59:47Fucking miserable.

00:59:48I'm still doing pull-ups.

00:59:49I'm crushing it.

00:59:51While being pregnant.

00:59:51I'm still drinking?

00:59:53Smoking?

00:59:53Yeah.

00:59:56No.

00:59:57The only thing that sucked was I had to get rid of my dog.

01:00:00Yeah.

01:00:01Had to find her a new home.

01:00:02Well, I finally had to admit that she was fucking crazy.

01:00:04I got a crazy rescue dog.

01:00:07And, uh, yeah.

01:00:08It was one of these fucking dogs, man.

01:00:09It tried to kill both my parents.

01:00:12It tried to kill my father-in-law.

01:00:14It bit one of my friends.

01:00:15I'd have family come over, friends or whatever.

01:00:18We'd have to stick it in the back room.

01:00:19Like, lock the door.

01:00:20And the first hour would just be throwing itself up against the door.

01:00:23Ah!

01:00:24I'll fucking kill all you motherfuckers!

01:00:25I'll kill all you motherfuckers!

01:00:27Looking under the door.

01:00:28I can see your feet!

01:00:29I know what you smell like!

01:00:31I'll follow you home!

01:00:32I'll find you!

01:00:33I'll fucking kill all of you!

01:00:35And we were just in, like, total denial.

01:00:37Like, no!

01:00:37She's just a little, you know, a little scared.

01:00:40Cause she was abused.

01:00:42And we got, like, a trainer and all of that shit.

01:00:44And he finally just said,

01:00:45Listen, man.

01:00:46This is one of these dogs nature said no to,

01:00:48but people said yes to.

01:00:50So I'm like, Jesus Christ,

01:00:52you could have told me that

01:00:53ten thousand fucking dollars ago.

01:00:54You know?

01:00:56So now my wife, she's five months pregnant.

01:00:58She's six months, seven, eight months pregnant.

01:01:00It's just the fucking, this, this thing just hanging over my head.

01:01:02And finally I just said to my wife,

01:01:04I'm like, we gotta do something about this, man.

01:01:05I'm not gonna be this guy in the news being like,

01:01:07well, you know, uh, the dog loved me and my wife,

01:01:10so I figured it'd be alright to let it sleep near the bassinet.

01:01:13And, well, you can imagine my surprise the next morning.

01:01:17Yeah.

01:01:17I wasn't gonna be that guy in the news whose dog ate his baby.

01:01:21Right?

01:01:22I gotta get rid of this thing.

01:01:24So we call my trainer and he goes,

01:01:26alright, I'll take it.

01:01:27Okay?

01:01:27So thank God they're not gonna put the dog down or anything like that.

01:01:30So I'm like, thank God.

01:01:30So he goes, I'll come back in a week.

01:01:32And it was very sad because we both love this dog,

01:01:35like, like, with all our hearts, right?

01:01:37And what amazed me though, was over that week,

01:01:40the way my wife handled grief versus me.

01:01:43It was so mature.

01:01:45She just like, took it on.

01:01:46I just went into denial.

01:01:48I was just like, well, I'm not giving it away tomorrow,

01:01:50so I'm not gonna think about it.

01:01:52And I just called the dog up in the bed,

01:01:53started petting her and lashing out at people

01:01:55for no fucking reason.

01:01:57Right?

01:01:57My wife on the other hand,

01:01:58she just went right into the bathroom that night.

01:02:00She was brushing her teeth.

01:02:01I could just hear her quietly crying.

01:02:02Like, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo.

01:02:05I swear to God, I was on the bed and I literally,

01:02:07I got mad at her.

01:02:09I didn't yell at her.

01:02:10I just, I had it just internal.

01:02:12You know?

01:02:13And I was just thinking like,

01:02:14why is she having the proper emotion in this fucking moment?

01:02:19Why isn't she just blocking it out the fucking way I am?

01:02:22Right?

01:02:22Just don't deal with it until you fucking give it away

01:02:24and then just start yelling at people the way I do.

01:02:27Right?

01:02:27And that's what we did.

01:02:28I just blocked it out and every night,

01:02:29she would cry a little bit more the whole week.

01:02:31Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo.

01:02:32Till the night before.

01:02:33She's like,

01:02:34Right?

01:02:35And what I didn't realize was she had cried herself into acceptance.

01:02:40And meanwhile, my emotions were still at the starting line.

01:02:43And then there's a knock at the door and she goes,

01:02:45Okay, he's here.

01:02:46Go get the dog.

01:02:47And I'm like,

01:02:48Hey, Cleo.

01:02:48And she popped her head up and I saw her wagging her fucking tail.

01:02:52And all of a sudden,

01:02:52eight years of conditional love all started bubbling up.

01:02:56And I was like,

01:02:56Oh, fuck.

01:02:57Not now.

01:02:59Not now.

01:03:00So I just pushed it down.

01:03:03I just walked at her like some weird game show host.

01:03:06Hey, how are you?

01:03:07I'm smiling for no reason.

01:03:08All right.

01:03:09Now we're going for a walk.

01:03:11I'm just going to say what we're doing.

01:03:12So I don't think about what I'm feeling.

01:03:15And I just walked out,

01:03:16handed the leash to the new owner,

01:03:18pet her on the head.

01:03:19Didn't even look her in the eye.

01:03:21Cause I knew I couldn't.

01:03:22And just turned around and walked away from something.

01:03:24And I loved more than I had loved anything in my life.

01:03:27Up to that point.

01:03:28Don't tell my wife.

01:03:29All right.

01:03:31So then I come back into the house.

01:03:33All right.

01:03:34And she's just looking at me.

01:03:34She knows I'm out of my fucking mind.

01:03:36She's like, are you okay?

01:03:36Is everything all right?

01:03:37Do you want to talk about it?

01:03:38We go out, get something to eat or something like that.

01:03:39I'm like, no, I'm fine.

01:03:41Sometimes you have to be up here and think logical and not be in your heart.

01:03:44I'm just going to go into the bathroom for a second.

01:03:46And I went in and I closed the door.

01:03:48And for 0.8 seconds cried like a little boy before I put the lid back on the jar.

01:03:56Fastened it back.

01:03:56And just added it to the shelf of anger that sits in every man's chest.

01:04:03Yeah.

01:04:06And I couldn't help but wonder in that moment,

01:04:09who that I love in my life is going to pay for that in the future.

01:04:14Like, where am I going to be?

01:04:16Family reunion.

01:04:17Bed, bath and beyond.

01:04:19How many fucking towels do we need?

01:04:21Jesus Christ, it's a fucking sickness with you.

01:04:23Where is this coming from?

01:04:25I just don't understand where this is coming from.

01:04:29Listen, you guys are so awesome.

01:04:30Thank you so much for coming out and a great time.

01:04:34Thank you, thank you, thank you.

01:04:41Seriously, thank you guys so much.

01:04:43This has been the best two days of my life.

01:04:46Thank you, thank you, thank you.

01:04:47Good night.

01:04:48Thank you, thanks.

01:05:07Super face, ladies and gentlemen.

01:05:08Thank you, ma'am.

01:05:09Thanks you, ma'am.

01:05:12I got you?

01:05:15bare between lên,

01:05:17it's the one handed in your picture,

01:05:17amen.

01:05:17Oh, that may be why.

Bill Burr - Paper Tiger [19]

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