Comedian Russell Peters explores life as a middle-aged man dealing with health issues, relationships and fatherhood in this hilarious one-hour special.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup #jokes #funny #russellpeters #russellpeterscomedy #russellpetersstandup
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup #jokes #funny #russellpeters #russellpeterscomedy #russellpetersstandup
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00:20Ladies and gentlemen, it's star time at the Dome NSCISVP Stadium.
00:00:26And right about now, we're going to bring you the brother that gave you somebody going
00:00:30to get a hurt real bad.
00:00:32Be a man.
00:00:34Take it and go.
00:00:37One of Rolling Stones' 50th greatest stand-up comics of all time.
00:00:45Let's bring them on right now.
00:00:47The brownest working man in show business, Russell Pino.
00:01:13Hello, Bombay Buggers.
00:01:18What's happening?
00:01:20I know it's going to sound strange, but it's good to be home.
00:01:23It's, uh, you know, although I was never born or raised here, but I still feel at home.
00:01:29I feel like I don't have to do things that I have to do back home to keep up with
00:01:33white
00:01:33people.
00:01:33I can just be a comfortable brown man here.
00:01:38Fuck it.
00:01:38I don't even have to put on deodorant over here if I don't want to, because it's not stopping
00:01:42you.
00:01:43You know what I mean?
00:01:49Keep it up for starting from scratch, ladies and gentlemen.
00:01:58So we're back in the motherland.
00:01:59How you doing, buddy?
00:02:00Okay?
00:02:02He must be good.
00:02:03He gave me, like, a sharp one.
00:02:06That's how you know you're really fucking good.
00:02:10It wasn't even multiple.
00:02:12It was just one.
00:02:13What's your name?
00:02:18That sounds like before ugly.
00:02:23I am pre-ug right now.
00:02:26Ten more years?
00:02:27Full-ug.
00:02:35How you doing, buddy?
00:02:36Good.
00:02:36You chose to look like a sperm tonight.
00:02:38I see that was your choice you made.
00:02:52How did you get here?
00:03:02That's why traffic doesn't bother him.
00:03:03I was around a million others.
00:03:10That's an awful outfit.
00:03:16Pre-ug?
00:03:18Actually-ug.
00:03:30Okay, let me tell you what's been happening with me since the last time I saw you guys.
00:03:33I don't know if you know, there's been a few years since I've been here, but since the last
00:03:35time I was here, I got, um, fat.
00:03:38And, um, fuck you.
00:03:40I, um, here's what happened.
00:03:43I was like my regular kind of fat.
00:03:46You know what I mean?
00:03:47Like that kind of fat where you look at me and you go, you know, Russell, if you would
00:03:50just run, like once, that's the problem of being Indian.
00:03:56We get fat.
00:03:57We're born skinny.
00:03:58That's the real problem.
00:03:59We're born skinny.
00:04:00We're naturally a skinny race of people.
00:04:03And we're born skinny and we stay skinny.
00:04:05We don't have to work hard to be skinny.
00:04:07We could be skinny and eat whatever we want and stay skinny.
00:04:10And then we never go to the gym because we're skinny.
00:04:12We don't need to.
00:04:13And our parents don't encourage you to go to the gym.
00:04:15You're like, dad, I'm going to go to the gym.
00:04:16What's in the gym?
00:04:18They have studies in the gym.
00:04:20No, you're not going to the gym.
00:04:20You stay home and do your studies.
00:04:26And because you never tone up, you stay this like really smushies kind of skinny, you know?
00:04:31And you eat whatever you want your entire life.
00:04:33And then at 30, your Indian genes kick in and go, okay, party's over.
00:04:37And then you just get fat.
00:04:38And it's like a fucking awful fat that we get.
00:04:41And that's what happened to me.
00:04:42I mean, I'm much older than that now.
00:04:44But I got like a weird kind of fat.
00:04:45I was like my normal fat.
00:04:46And then I woke up one morning.
00:04:48I was like, I'm bloated.
00:04:52I figured I would pee it out.
00:04:54I would sweat it out.
00:04:55I'd be fine the next day.
00:04:57Anyway, cut to a year and a half later.
00:05:00And I'm still.
00:05:02And I go, something's wrong.
00:05:04So I go to the doctor.
00:05:05I go, doc, I got fat.
00:05:07He goes, yes.
00:05:09I said, thanks, asshole.
00:05:10I didn't come here for confirmation.
00:05:13I came here to find out why I got fat.
00:05:15He goes, well, why do you think you're fat?
00:05:18I said, because I have a mirror.
00:05:22And I walked past it naked the other day.
00:05:24And I thought somebody else was in my room.
00:05:27Oh my God, who's fat hairy ass is that?
00:05:29Turns out it was my stomach.
00:05:30It was.
00:05:34And people on the internet were calling me fat.
00:05:37You guys are dicks, by the way.
00:05:38You say whatever you want to us on the internet.
00:05:40And if we respond, we're assholes.
00:05:42So we just have to take the abuse.
00:05:44But sometimes I get mad when people say things to me on the internet.
00:05:46Not because of what they said.
00:05:48More so because it's probably something I would have said.
00:05:51And then I'm mad that my own words are getting used against me.
00:05:54Like I posted something for this TV show I was on.
00:05:57And somebody goes, holy shit, did you eat your whole cast?
00:06:01And I was like, damn it, I would have said that too.
00:06:03I probably would have said that too.
00:06:05And then somebody posted a picture with me.
00:06:07And somebody commented when Russell Peter's looking thicker
00:06:10than a snicker.
00:06:12I got mad at that because I love a good rhyme.
00:06:15Thicker than a snicker.
00:06:16That's a good one too.
00:06:18It's not a fair way to describe a human.
00:06:20I think thicker than a snicker is a great way for me to describe my penis.
00:06:23I think that's a wonderful way to describe it.
00:06:25So Russell, tell me about your penis.
00:06:27Well, it's thicker than a snicker.
00:06:29Equally dark and veiny texture.
00:06:33Packed with nuts.
00:06:36And it satisfies.
00:06:37It, uh...
00:06:43So I said to my doc, I said, doc, it doesn't make sense that I should be getting as fat
00:06:47as I'm getting.
00:06:47He said, why not?
00:06:48I said, because I don't eat crazy and I train jujitsu every other day.
00:06:53He's like, huh.
00:06:55How old are you now?
00:06:56I said, 48.
00:06:57He goes, and you're Indian?
00:06:58I go, yeah, but...
00:07:00He goes, you haven't had a heart attack yet?
00:07:04He goes...
00:07:05I said, no, I haven't had a heart attack yet.
00:07:10He goes, all right.
00:07:11So he takes blood and I leave.
00:07:13Calls me back in three days later.
00:07:14I go back in.
00:07:15He's like, hey, I got your blood back.
00:07:16I know what's wrong.
00:07:17I go, what's wrong?
00:07:18He goes, it's your thyroid.
00:07:19I go, what about it?
00:07:20He goes, you have an underactive thyroid.
00:07:21I go, so what does that mean?
00:07:23It means it's not doing enough.
00:07:25I said, I understand what the fuck underactive means.
00:07:29He goes, then why did you ask?
00:07:31I said, how is it affecting me?
00:07:33He goes, the thyroid's making you fat.
00:07:34I go, the thyroid's making me fat.
00:07:36He goes, no, you're doing things too, but the thyroid's really helping.
00:07:39I go, so what do we got to do?
00:07:41He said, we got to speed your thyroid up.
00:07:42I was like, let's get that bitch moving, right?
00:07:45So it's been a year and a half now and I lost 24 pounds from it, but it wasn't me.
00:07:50It was the medication.
00:07:51It's not me.
00:07:52And I lost, like, my body's in much better shape than it's ever been, but my fucking
00:07:55head is fat as shit.
00:07:57And I don't know, I don't know how to, I look like a fucking thumb.
00:08:08Do you know how hard it is to lose a fat head?
00:08:10It's almost impossible.
00:08:12I used to box.
00:08:14There's tricks when you want to lose weight from your body.
00:08:17In boxing, you could put on a garbage bag and you go sit in the sauna and you sweat it
00:08:21off.
00:08:21Let me give you some friendly advice.
00:08:23You can't do that with your head.
00:08:25I know.
00:08:26I found out the hard way.
00:08:28I was like, you know what?
00:08:29I got this.
00:08:29I grabbed a plastic bag.
00:08:31I threw it over my big stupid head.
00:08:33I'm not an idiot.
00:08:34I cut a hole from my nose.
00:08:36It was a substantial hole.
00:08:38And I went and sat in the sauna.
00:08:40But I forgot, when you have a larger nose and you inhale, you tend to suck up more than
00:08:45the average human.
00:08:46And I took a deep breath in the sauna and sucked up the plastic bag.
00:08:50And my friends thought I was trying to commit suicide in the dumbest way possible.
00:08:57But when I got fat, I got like a weird kind.
00:08:59Indian people, we get the worst kind of fat.
00:09:01Like it's, it just goes everywhere.
00:09:03Like white people, you ever see white Americans?
00:09:05When they get fat, it's just bam, a belly.
00:09:07And you can't tell from behind.
00:09:08Hey, look at that white guy.
00:09:09He jumps around like, hello.
00:09:13But Indians, it just shows up in the weirdest places.
00:09:16Like I started to grow tits.
00:09:20But not in front, on the side.
00:09:22I don't know where the fuck they were going, but I was growing side tits.
00:09:27And they were like armrests.
00:09:29I was walking around after a while.
00:09:32It was like I was going to go into a pool with some floaties on the whole time.
00:09:39And then I was getting a fat back.
00:09:41That was a weird thing to get.
00:09:42It was like fat on my back.
00:09:43I would sit down and my fat back would hang over the chair.
00:09:46I'm like, what the fuck?
00:09:46I would grab him.
00:09:47This feels nice, but not on me.
00:09:49I don't like this.
00:09:51And then I had a chunk of fat, like a big, like right here, a big, huge clump of fat.
00:09:58Like when a woman gets fat here, it's called a gunt because it's a gut right above her.
00:10:04You know what I mean?
00:10:04And so it's, um, so it's a gunt.
00:10:07And I guess when I had it, it's a gawk.
00:10:09I guess it would be a gawk.
00:10:10I guess.
00:10:10I don't know.
00:10:16Literally for a year and a half, I didn't see my penis.
00:10:18I would have to lift it up to visit.
00:10:20You still there, buddy?
00:10:21Okay, good.
00:10:22And I'd rest.
00:10:23Don't worry.
00:10:23The sun will shine one day.
00:10:32And so my doctor says to me, hey, what else is wrong with you?
00:10:34I go, what do you mean what else is wrong with me?
00:10:36He goes, look, you're a 48 year old Indian man.
00:10:39I'm like, that's really fucking racist.
00:10:43But since you asked, I have acid reflux.
00:10:49I don't know.
00:10:50Does anybody else, who else has acid reflux in here?
00:10:53First of all, you're lying to me right now because there's no way you can be Indian and
00:10:57not have fucking acid reflux.
00:10:59It's inevitable.
00:11:01There's no way you can consume the food that we eat with that much spice and that much oil
00:11:06and that much butter and not just have it burn a hole in your, as my dad would say,
00:11:10your easel fagos.
00:11:14What?
00:11:14Son, it's burning your easel fagos.
00:11:17Dad, I want to assure you I have no fagos in me.
00:11:20No, no, son, easel fagos.
00:11:23I don't care whose fagos you think this is.
00:11:28There's no way you don't have acid reflux.
00:11:30I'm looking at all of you, especially all the pudgy guys.
00:11:33You know exactly who has it.
00:11:34You got it, don't you, yellow guy?
00:11:36You do, do you?
00:11:37He's like, I know I have it, but I don't know what to say because my shirt looks like turmeric.
00:11:43So I've had acid reflux my entire life, my entire life.
00:11:52And I remember being six years old.
00:11:55And here's the worst thing about having acid reflux.
00:11:57It's triggered by food.
00:11:58And when you grow up in an Indian house and your food is Indian food and this food triggers your
00:12:04fucking acid reflux
00:12:05and you can't eat Indian food anymore, you're a piece of shit.
00:12:10Like, I remember going to my mom, mom, I can't eat Indian food anymore.
00:12:12My mom goes, what?
00:12:14Do you realize people in India are dying to eat this food?
00:12:18Literally dying.
00:12:20I said, mom, do you understand that I'm dying if I eat this food?
00:12:25Literally dying.
00:12:31I was six years old.
00:12:32I remember this clearly.
00:12:33I was six years old and I remember burping and fire shot up my chest and flames came out my
00:12:38nose.
00:12:39And I remember it clearly because there was tears coming down my eyes.
00:12:42And I remember going, I'm crying and I'm not crying.
00:12:44I'm very confused.
00:12:45And I go to my mom, I go, mom, mom, it burns when I burp.
00:12:48My mom goes, what?
00:12:49I said, it burns when I burp.
00:12:51Oh, my God.
00:12:52It burns when he bubs.
00:12:55Oh, my God, son.
00:12:56Okay, do this.
00:12:58Don't burp.
00:13:02That was your big piece of advice, mom.
00:13:06I'm like, I'm serious, mom, it's burning.
00:13:07She goes, okay, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, drink some milk, drink some milk.
00:13:10I drink the milk, nothing.
00:13:12Mom, it's still burning, never mind.
00:13:13Dad, dad, it's still burning.
00:13:15My dad goes, okay, okay.
00:13:17See the yogurt on the table?
00:13:19Eat the yogurt.
00:13:20What?
00:13:21Eat the yogurt.
00:13:22What do you mean eat the yogurt?
00:13:23Son, it's a fact.
00:13:24What's a fact?
00:13:27If you eat the yogurt, it would cool you down, you'll feel better.
00:13:31How is that?
00:13:31It's a fact, son.
00:13:32How is that a fact, son?
00:13:34Do you even know what yogurt is?
00:13:36Yogurt is a probiotic.
00:13:38When you get sick, what does the doctor give you?
00:13:41Antibiotic.
00:13:51Dad, I'm six years old.
00:13:53I don't know what a fucking biotic is.
00:13:56Son, one is for biotics and one is against biotics.
00:13:59I said, I still don't know what a biotic is.
00:14:01Son, just eat the bastard yogurt.
00:14:06I go, why?
00:14:07Why do you think Indian people keep yogurt on their table when we eat food?
00:14:10To help your digestion.
00:14:12I said, okay, now that makes sense.
00:14:15So I grabbed a bowl of the yogurt.
00:14:17I start eating it.
00:14:18Well, fuck me in the eye.
00:14:19There's chilies and onions in the yogurt.
00:14:21Why?
00:14:22Why?
00:14:24Why?
00:14:24Why did we spice the yogurt?
00:14:26That's what triggers the burning.
00:14:30And Indian parents will become racist at the drop of a dime.
00:14:33I go, dad, why did we spice the yogurt?
00:14:34He goes, how else are you going to eat yogurt?
00:14:35Plain.
00:14:38We're not white people.
00:14:41I said, dad, that's really racist.
00:14:42Is it racist or is it a fact?
00:14:45How is that a fact?
00:14:47Son, what color is plain yogurt?
00:14:55What does plain yogurt taste like?
00:14:57Nothing.
00:14:59What is the contribution from white people to the food of the world?
00:15:03Nothing.
00:15:04It's a fact.
00:15:09So my doctor says to me, hey, I just called downstairs to the clinic in the lobby and I
00:15:15got you an endoscopy appointment.
00:15:17I go, what?
00:15:18He goes, when was the last time you had an endoscopy?
00:15:20I said, um, never.
00:15:22Let me tell you something, doc.
00:15:23I've never shoved anything in my ass.
00:15:26He said, what the fuck are you talking about?
00:15:28I said, doc, I'm not an idiot, all right?
00:15:30I know what an endoscopy is.
00:15:33It's in your end.
00:15:36Os.
00:15:39Copy.
00:15:41I said, no, you fucking idiot.
00:15:43It's in your mouth.
00:15:44I said, hey, you.
00:15:48It may be in your mouth, doc, but it ain't in my mouth, bro.
00:15:51I mean, what you do outside of here is none of my business, man.
00:15:58That's why I like my doctor, because he swears at me when he talks to me.
00:16:01I trust him for that reason alone.
00:16:03I don't trust people that don't swear.
00:16:05People that don't swear, you're hiding something.
00:16:08There's something wrong with you.
00:16:09You probably touched kids.
00:16:10I'm telling you, there's something wrong.
00:16:12People who don't swear, there's something wrong.
00:16:14They're hiding something.
00:16:16And people that don't swear act like they're better than you,
00:16:18because they go out of their way to let you know they don't swear.
00:16:21I don't know.
00:16:22I just find better ways of communicating than using foul and obscene language.
00:16:35You keep an eye on those people.
00:16:37They're hiding something.
00:16:38There's something really dark going on in their head.
00:16:41They've got some dark, dark secrets, and they don't want you to know about it.
00:16:44You see them, the people that are too nice.
00:16:47They'll be too friendly, too polite, you know.
00:16:49They've got dark stuff going on in their head.
00:16:52They're like, well, the wife and I had a lovely dinner with you all tonight.
00:16:56We hope you all have a wonderful night of digestion.
00:17:00We're going to reconvene to the bedroom, and at which point in the morning we'll connect again
00:17:05and enjoy a delicious breakfast together, and at which point we shall discuss the night's events.
00:17:11With that, I wish you all good night and pleasant dreams.
00:17:14And they go to the bedroom, and he closes the door, and he's like,
00:17:17all right, honey, shit on my chest, because they've got dark, dark things going on in there.
00:17:25Here's the good news.
00:17:26I swear I'll never shit on your chest.
00:17:31I like how uncomfortable that made all of you.
00:17:34I'm just trying to do the math on the shitting on the chest.
00:17:38What is the purpose of this?
00:17:44My doctor says, listen, I called downstairs to the clinic in the lobby,
00:17:47and I got you an endoscopy appointment.
00:17:49I go, when?
00:17:50He goes, right now.
00:17:51I go, so what do I got to do?
00:17:52He said, you got to go downstairs to the lobby and go to the clinic.
00:17:56And I go, and when is this going to happen?
00:17:58He said, right now.
00:17:59I said, okay, so where is this going to happen?
00:18:01He said, at the clinic in the lobby.
00:18:04I go, no, no, on me.
00:18:05He goes, oh, in your mouth.
00:18:06I go, so what's going to happen in my mouth?
00:18:09He said, they're going to give you an endoscopy.
00:18:10I go, and it just takes place in my mouth.
00:18:14He goes, yeah.
00:18:15I go, they're not going to touch my asshole, are they?
00:18:17He said, do you want them to touch your asshole?
00:18:21No, they're not going to touch your asshole.
00:18:23I said, okay, doc, I just want to confirm that this procedure is strictly in my mouth.
00:18:30He goes, that is correct.
00:18:32I said, okay, I'm going to go, but I swear to God, doc, if they try and touch my asshole,
00:18:38I'm coming back up here, and I'm fucking you up.
00:18:42He goes, go, you idiot, so I go.
00:18:44Now, here's the problem.
00:18:45My doctor knows me.
00:18:46He knows what kind of person I am.
00:18:48He knows I've been a comedian for 30 years.
00:18:50He knows how my brain works.
00:18:51He knows how I have no filter.
00:18:53See, comedians look at the audience.
00:18:54We look at you guys and go, those are civilians.
00:18:57You guys are civilians.
00:18:58You know how to do this.
00:19:00Sit around each other and be normal.
00:19:03Just sit around and go.
00:19:06I don't have that fucking filter.
00:19:08I have to, as soon as you see, as soon as I walk up.
00:19:10Nah, nah, nah, nah.
00:19:15But these people in the clinic don't know me like that, so I can't go in and be me,
00:19:19so I have to do my impression of how I think you would handle this situation.
00:19:23So I walk up to the clinic, and I'm like, hi.
00:19:27I'm here for my endoscopy appointment.
00:19:29It's in the mouth.
00:19:32She goes, yes, sir.
00:19:33We know where it is.
00:19:34Please come around.
00:19:35Okay.
00:19:37So I walk around, and she hands me a hospital gown and says, okay, sir, just go down the
00:19:42hall, take off your clothes, put this on, and we'll get started.
00:19:44I said, uh, um, I think there's a misunderstanding here.
00:19:52My doctor upstairs, he told me that this procedure just takes place in my mouth.
00:19:57She goes, that's correct.
00:19:58I go, oh, well then hang on to the gown.
00:20:00Let's just go get started.
00:20:01She goes, no, no, sir.
00:20:02You have to, you can't have your clothes on when we do this procedure.
00:20:05I said, that doesn't make any sense.
00:20:07Because if it's just my mouth you need access to, nah, I'm not, I'm not fighting you on
00:20:14this.
00:20:15I'm not even blocking my mouth.
00:20:16I'm here to help.
00:20:17Pick a chin.
00:20:17Which one do you like?
00:20:18I'll hold it down for you.
00:20:21She's like, sir, it's policy that you cannot have your street clothes on when we do this
00:20:24procedure.
00:20:25I said, you know, it's funny you should say that because I too have a policy.
00:20:28And my policy is that I like as many layers as possible protecting my asshole at all times.
00:20:38She said, sir, would you just go put the fucking gown on?
00:20:42I said, whoa, you swore.
00:20:47All right.
00:20:52So I go down to the change room and I'm standing there and I'm buck ass naked, right?
00:20:57And I start getting really paranoid about my ass.
00:21:00And then I get a brilliant idea.
00:21:02I take the hospital gown and I put it on backwards.
00:21:06Smart, right?
00:21:07All right.
00:21:08To protect it.
00:21:09But then I look down, my dick is just swinging.
00:21:11Just like.
00:21:14Look, it's my story.
00:21:15I'll make my penis as big as I want it to be.
00:21:17All right.
00:21:21It's India.
00:21:21You're all like, come on, bro.
00:21:26It's not even believable, okay?
00:21:29Not even on a humid day.
00:21:34It's true.
00:21:35It was cold in there too, you know?
00:21:36Just, you know what I mean?
00:21:38Just looking like, oh, it was embarrassingly small.
00:21:40Just looked like three coins and a mushroom cap.
00:21:43It was just terrible.
00:21:44It was, oh, the worst.
00:21:46Oh, man.
00:21:48You know what I mean?
00:21:48You know what I mean?
00:21:49Right, Pratik?
00:21:49You know what I mean?
00:21:50Like, it's, you know what I mean?
00:21:52You just had it shrivel.
00:21:53You ever had it shrivel up so much that you bend forward and it inverts?
00:21:56You're like, hey, where did my dick go?
00:21:58You're like, dick?
00:21:59No dick.
00:21:59Dick?
00:22:00No dick.
00:22:01My black security guys never get that joke.
00:22:03I don't get it.
00:22:05If I bend forward, the motherfucker hits the floor.
00:22:18So I'm like, well, this is embarrassing.
00:22:20So I put the gown on the right way and I walk back in the room and she goes, all
00:22:26right, Mr.
00:22:26Peters, just hop up here and we'll get started.
00:22:28So I hop up on the table, but I put my ass right against the wall.
00:22:32Because like I said, I train jujitsu.
00:22:34If you want to come at me when I'm on my back, it's your funeral, not mine.
00:22:37And she goes, all right, sir, just so you know, during this procedure, we're going to
00:22:40be putting you under using propofol.
00:22:42I said, wait a minute, propofol?
00:22:45Isn't that the shit that killed Michael Jackson?
00:22:47She goes, yes, yes, it is.
00:22:49I go, what do you mean?
00:22:50Yes, yes, it is.
00:22:51Why are you so happy about this?
00:22:53They killed the biggest pop star of my lifetime and you think it's just okay for me to take?
00:22:57She said, sir, Michael Jackson was having it improperly administered.
00:23:01I said, Michael Jackson was having many things improperly administered.
00:23:06But wasn't this doctor's name Dr. Conrad Murray?
00:23:09Yes.
00:23:10Wasn't he a doctor?
00:23:12Yes.
00:23:12Well, what's your title?
00:23:14I'm an anesthesiologist.
00:23:16I said, look, I don't care what your zodiac sign is, all right?
00:23:21I don't even know what month that is.
00:23:24She said, sir, my job is to make sure you go to sleep and wake up.
00:23:32I said, that is a fine answer and I will accept that.
00:23:36She goes, great, please lay on your side.
00:23:38I said, nah, nah, nah.
00:23:41Why, why, why I got to lay on my side?
00:23:43I lay on my side, you knock me out, you lift up the dress, you flip up a butt cheek,
00:23:47you start stuffing me like a turkey.
00:23:49I'm not following this trick, lady.
00:23:53She said, sir, you need to lay on your sides.
00:23:55We'll give you the propofol, you're going to pass out and you're going to fall over.
00:23:59And when you fall over, you could hurt yourself.
00:24:00So to avoid any injury, you need to already start on your side.
00:24:05I said, that is a fair answer.
00:24:08She goes, great.
00:24:09So I lay on my side, but I tuck my ass in real tight on the wall.
00:24:13And she goes, why don't you count down from five with us?
00:24:15And I go, all right.
00:24:17Five, four, three.
00:24:20Out cold.
00:24:21I don't know if any of you have been put under at the doctor, but, sir, have you been put
00:24:25under at the doctor?
00:24:26You're an older gentleman.
00:24:27I mean, not older, but you know, not these fucking kids, you know what I mean?
00:24:31What's your name?
00:24:32Sundeep.
00:24:32Sundeep.
00:24:33And how old are you, Sundeep?
00:24:3548.
00:24:3648.
00:24:36We're the same age.
00:24:38Same shit.
00:24:39And have you been put under at the doctor?
00:24:41I got an endoscopy.
00:24:42You had an endoscopy.
00:24:43Endoscopy.
00:24:46He had the endoscopy.
00:24:49And I had the endoscopy.
00:24:50So I think...
00:25:02And do you know if they gave you propofol when they put you out?
00:25:04No.
00:25:05No.
00:25:05They gave you the cheap shit?
00:25:07Did they knock you out when they did it?
00:25:09No.
00:25:09No?
00:25:10All right, Sundeep, open wide.
00:25:12Ah!
00:25:14Really?
00:25:14You were awake?
00:25:15Yeah.
00:25:17Why didn't you spend the extra ten bucks and get the fucking meth?
00:25:24Is it even possible to do it when somebody's awake?
00:25:28Oh, my God.
00:25:30It's ironic because all the doctors in America are Indian.
00:25:38And then in India, they're like, fuck it.
00:25:39We don't need all these fancy tricks.
00:25:43Open wide, Sundeep.
00:25:50Were you 1970 or 71?
00:25:5371.
00:25:5371.
00:25:54So you're younger than me.
00:25:55But you know what I'm not looking forward to.
00:25:58Next year, I'll be 50.
00:25:59And, uh, uh-uh.
00:26:01Because you know what happens at 50.
00:26:02They've got to go with the old, uh,
00:26:05You know?
00:26:09You know what I'm talking about?
00:26:14I'm running out of noises, Sundeep.
00:26:15All right?
00:26:16Sir, how old are you?
00:26:19Huh?
00:26:2060.
00:26:21Did you have the old?
00:26:23You haven't done it yet?
00:26:25The fuck are you waiting for?
00:26:26You're 60.
00:26:2760.
00:26:29You've got to get your shit checked.
00:26:31Here's the thing.
00:26:31When I turned 40, it's when you were supposed to do it back then.
00:26:35And then for some reason, as I turned 40, they were like, no, no, it's 50 now.
00:26:39And I go, yes.
00:26:40And I was like, I got 10 years before they're going to shove a hand up my ass.
00:26:44And, uh, and I figured in that 10 years, they would come up with some sort of technology.
00:26:48Because in those 10 years, they, they got a fucking rover to Mars.
00:26:52India's got one circling Mars.
00:26:53The Chinese have got shit on the moon.
00:26:55And no, 10 years later, still, I'm still puzzled that you were awake when this shit happened.
00:27:05I can't imagine how uncomfortable that would have been.
00:27:08Yeah, they knock you out.
00:27:09And they give you propofol.
00:27:10Let me just tell you something about this propofol shit.
00:27:12It's incredible.
00:27:13I get it, Michael.
00:27:14I get it.
00:27:15It's, it's an amazing drug.
00:27:17And I'm not a drug guy by any means.
00:27:19It's not even my thing at all.
00:27:21I drink a little bit.
00:27:22That's about it.
00:27:23You know, but people come up to me at the shows all the time.
00:27:25I'm like, hey, Russell, you, uh, what?
00:27:30You do blow?
00:27:32What?
00:27:33Coke.
00:27:34You do cocaine?
00:27:35Do I fucking look like I do cocaine?
00:27:37If I'm doing cocaine and my face is still this fat, I'm doing cocaine wrong.
00:27:44Hey, give me another line.
00:27:45Yeah.
00:27:46Ah.
00:27:47Ho, ho.
00:27:51No, I don't do cocaine.
00:27:52Have you seen the size of my nose?
00:27:54You can't afford to do cocaine with a nose this big.
00:28:00You go broke after one try.
00:28:03Wouldn't be able to do lines.
00:28:04I'd have to do lanes.
00:28:07It's not a reasonable drug of choice.
00:28:13Then why are you always, uh, sniffing?
00:28:17I'll tell you exactly.
00:28:17I'm aware that I sniff a lot.
00:28:19And I'll tell you exactly why I sniff.
00:28:20I used to box.
00:28:21And when I was boxing, I broke my nose.
00:28:23But I didn't know I broke my nose.
00:28:25So it never got fixed.
00:28:28And of course I would have broken my nose.
00:28:30It's been literally 30 years since I've broken my nose.
00:28:32But I didn't know because I thought a broken nose looked like a broken nose.
00:28:35I thought it was like the guys in my gym where there was nothing and then a nub.
00:28:38And they're like, what's up, champ?
00:28:41I didn't know.
00:28:41I just thought I was a bleeder when I would get punched in the face.
00:28:44But, but I, and I, and last year is when I found out.
00:28:47I went to the doctor last year because I was having trouble breathing.
00:28:49I go, hey doc, I'm having trouble breathing.
00:28:51He goes, what's the problem?
00:28:51I go, like one nostril works and then the other one doesn't.
00:28:56And then when the other one stops working, the other one starts working.
00:28:58It's like there's a flap in there, like a train, you know, local express, local express.
00:29:05He goes, you ever broke your nose?
00:29:07I said, no.
00:29:08He said, you sure?
00:29:09I said, doc, I'm not an idiot.
00:29:11Pretty sure I'd know if I broke my nose.
00:29:14He said, didn't you tell me you used to box?
00:29:16I said, yeah.
00:29:17He goes, so wait, you used to box and you never broke that?
00:29:22I said, doc, I never broke my nose.
00:29:23He goes, wait, wait, hold on a second.
00:29:25You're trying to tell me you were so good at boxing that you managed to avoid breaking
00:29:29the biggest fucking thing on your body.
00:29:33So I'm telling you, I never broke my nose.
00:29:35He goes, if you never broke that fucking nose in boxing, you should have 10 world titles by now.
00:29:40I said, I never broke it.
00:29:41He goes, lean forward, you fucking idiot.
00:29:42So I leaned forward.
00:29:43He goes like this.
00:29:44Yeah, your nose is broken.
00:29:46I go, how do you know that?
00:29:47He goes, because I'm a doctor.
00:29:50Yeah, but how can you tell?
00:29:51He goes, because it's not connected.
00:29:53I go, if it's not connected, why didn't it fall off?
00:29:59He goes, you're a fucking idiot.
00:30:03He goes, look, nobody's nose should move around like this.
00:30:07I shouldn't be able to move it around and double click and order shit off Amazon from your face.
00:30:11This is not a normal nose.
00:30:17I go, that's a broken nose.
00:30:19He goes, yeah.
00:30:20What did you think it was?
00:30:21Okay, don't judge me.
00:30:22All right.
00:30:23This is actually what I thought this was.
00:30:26And understand I've been a comedian for 30 years and I have a creative mind.
00:30:31Here's really what I thought this was.
00:30:33You know how humans, this is how you know it's going to be dumb.
00:30:37You know how humans are an ever evolving species?
00:30:43Like if you looked at humans from 10,000 years ago, you go, what the fuck were those?
00:30:48Well, in 10,000 years, those humans are going to look at us and go, what the fuck were those?
00:30:52Well, so because of evolution and my own ego, I thought that I was evolving at a faster rate than
00:31:02you.
00:31:06And that my body, to accommodate the larger nose, had developed some sort of joint hinge system in here to
00:31:15alleviate the weight.
00:31:16I don't know.
00:31:16I'm not a doctor.
00:31:17He goes, you're fucking retarded.
00:31:20I said, doc, you actually cannot say that anymore.
00:31:23What?
00:31:23That you're fucking retarded?
00:31:24Yeah, you can't say retarded anymore, doctor.
00:31:26No, I can say it.
00:31:27No, you can't because it's offensive to people.
00:31:29I'm not talking about anybody else.
00:31:30I'm talking about you.
00:31:31You're a fucking retard.
00:31:32And I go, no, doc, you can't say retard or retarded at all anymore.
00:31:35He goes, I'm not talking about anybody.
00:31:37I'm talking about you.
00:31:38And as a matter of fact, I'm putting it in your notes.
00:31:39I said, you're putting it in my notes that I'm a retard?
00:31:41He goes, no, I'm putting it in your fucking retard.
00:31:46He goes, lean forward.
00:31:47I lean forward.
00:31:48He goes, let me show you something.
00:31:48I lean forward.
00:31:49He goes like this.
00:31:50Okay, now breathe.
00:31:51And I go, oh, that's amazing.
00:31:55What'd you do?
00:31:56He goes, I attached your nose.
00:32:01This is awesome.
00:32:02He goes, I could fix it.
00:32:03You could breathe like that for the rest of your life.
00:32:05I said, yes, please.
00:32:06Let's do that.
00:32:06He goes, you got to make an appointment.
00:32:07And then you need three weeks where you can't fly.
00:32:10Well, I don't have three weeks where I can't fly.
00:32:12So I haven't had it fixed yet.
00:32:13But now I'm scared to get it fixed in case I end up looking like a pig.
00:32:17And then all my Muslim friends don't come and see me anymore because they're like, he looks like a pig.
00:32:22We cannot go see him any longer.
00:32:29I do this out of respect for my friends.
00:32:35Let's get back to this propofol, Sandeep.
00:32:40You got to get this propofol.
00:32:41You just got to go back and tell him, listen, I think you need to check again and give me
00:32:44some goddamn propofol.
00:32:46Because if they give you the bullshit stuff, you wake up feeling kind of groggy.
00:32:50Propofol, not at all.
00:32:51I literally woke up like this.
00:32:52Woo!
00:32:53Let's do this!
00:32:55She goes, we're done, sir.
00:32:56I go, you're done.
00:33:07How long was I out for?
00:33:09Two, three hours?
00:33:10She goes, 15 minutes, sir.
00:33:12I said, in 15 minutes, I could have saved a bunch of money by switching to Geico.
00:33:17She said, you can go get dressed.
00:33:18So I go get dressed and I come back in the room.
00:33:21And she goes, all right, Mr. Peters, we're all done here.
00:33:24Just so you know, in about an hour, you're probably going to notice you have a bit of a sore
00:33:29throat.
00:33:29I said, what the fuck did you do to me?
00:33:32She said, sir, it's the most common side effect.
00:33:35You know, we've shoved a tube down your throat, which may cause some irritation or some swelling.
00:33:40About 98% of the patients will suffer from that.
00:33:42So if and when that happens, just take an ibuprofen and you'll feel better.
00:33:46I said, are you sure that's all you did?
00:33:49She said, I'm positive.
00:33:50I said, you didn't touch my asshole, did you?
00:33:53She said, what?
00:33:54I said, what?
00:33:55And I walked out.
00:34:00An hour goes by and then two hours goes by and I go into a panic because I do not
00:34:07have a sore throat.
00:34:09I'm like, oh my God, I've got the throat of a gay man.
00:34:21Somewhere out there's a gay guy going, oh my God, these dicks are killing my throat.
00:34:25And here I am with all this wasted talent.
00:34:28I could have been guzzling dick all day.
00:34:37I'm the envy of a community.
00:34:44Is that your wife with you, Sandeep?
00:34:45Yes.
00:34:46Hi, wife.
00:34:47How are you?
00:34:48Do you guys have kids?
00:34:49How many?
00:34:50Two.
00:34:51Two.
00:34:51Boy, girl, boy, boy, girl, girl.
00:34:53Boy, girl, one of each.
00:34:54You happy with that?
00:35:02Is that the reason you went dry on the endoscopy?
00:35:06She's like, if I'm going to squeeze children out of here, you're going to take a dry endoscopy.
00:35:15My advice to anybody, if you're going to have kids, have a daughter.
00:35:17Daughters are the best.
00:35:18They just, they really are.
00:35:22I have my daughter and I have a son.
00:35:25He's a month and a half old.
00:35:27He's brand new, so he's not very smart yet.
00:35:30But I don't think he's going to get much smarter.
00:35:31He's not, boy, he's dumb.
00:35:34Boy, this kid's fucking dumb.
00:35:36I, like, you know, when they're that small, like, everything is a tit that comes to his face.
00:35:42I go to kiss him.
00:35:43He's like, hey, fuck off.
00:35:45That's my nose.
00:35:46Get out of here.
00:35:48You ever get a nipple this big, you need to check the chick.
00:35:50Because it's something weird going on.
00:35:56My girlfriend's Mexican, so.
00:35:58And I didn't realize how Mexican she was until she went into labor and they broke her water and candy
00:36:03fell out of her.
00:36:08Do you realize my son is Mexican and Indian?
00:36:13He's going to be able to engineer the wall.
00:36:20And hop it.
00:36:25He's going to steal your laptop and fix it.
00:36:27It's going to be an amazing thing to see.
00:36:34How old are your kids?
00:36:3722 and 19.
00:36:3822 and 19.
00:36:39Man, you did all this shit young.
00:36:41It's crazy.
00:36:42I mean, that's great.
00:36:45I did it way too late.
00:36:47You think about it.
00:36:48I'm 49.
00:36:48My son starts walking.
00:36:50We're going to be walking the same way.
00:37:02Waited too long.
00:37:06Do you remember your first pregnancy?
00:37:08Do you remember it clearly?
00:37:10Do you remember how many months it took you before you started to show?
00:37:14Probably about four to six, maybe.
00:37:17Yeah, it's usually about that, right?
00:37:18Four to six months on your first pregnancy, the woman starts to show.
00:37:21My girlfriend, she started to show after one month.
00:37:25It was like, doom.
00:37:26I'm like, what the fuck is going on?
00:37:28How many, how many, how many motherfuckers are in there right now?
00:37:30How many motherfuckers are in there right now?
00:37:32I took her straight to the doctor.
00:37:33I need to know how many heartbeats are here, doctor.
00:37:34How many heartbeats are here?
00:37:36It was just one, but I got so scared.
00:37:37Because twins at this age, fuck that.
00:37:41Anybody here have twins or is a twin?
00:37:43You have them or you are?
00:37:46You have twin boys?
00:37:48And, and apparently, and sorry?
00:37:54Apparently your sunglasses didn't come with instructions.
00:38:02The side of my ear is very cool.
00:38:06That's only because you pulled your pug lower, that's all.
00:38:09You have twin boys?
00:38:11Yeah.
00:38:11Identical?
00:38:12Yeah.
00:38:12Oh, that's, see, that's twins.
00:38:14What did you name them?
00:38:15Did you give them fun names?
00:38:16Gordet and Hardet.
00:38:17What?
00:38:18Gordet and Hardet?
00:38:19Yeah.
00:38:21Gordet and Hardet?
00:38:22Yeah.
00:38:23It sounds like you're stealing something and, and putting it away.
00:38:27Gordet and Hardet, please.
00:38:38Identical twins.
00:38:38That's the only people that I think should be called twins.
00:38:41Can you tell them apart?
00:38:43Yeah.
00:38:44Do they wear pugs too?
00:38:46One has dimples and the other one has, no.
00:38:52Yeah.
00:38:53I figured one has dimples, the other one doesn't have.
00:38:58Identical twins are the only, I hate when people tell me, yeah, I got twins.
00:39:01What do you got?
00:39:02Got a boy and a girl.
00:39:03That's not fucking twins ever.
00:39:05What you got are two kids with the same birthday.
00:39:08Women call their breasts the twins.
00:39:10You ever had a woman go, so, would you like to see the twins?
00:39:14If she opened her shirt and an elbow and an ankle fell out, you'd be like, uh.
00:39:24There's something wrong with your twins.
00:39:29Identical twins are the only people that should be twins.
00:39:31And I started getting scared when I thought my girlfriend was going to have twins, but
00:39:34I started settling into the idea because I started thinking of names for identical twins.
00:39:38I was like, if I have twin girls, because you've got to have fun with the names.
00:39:41If I have twin girls, these are going to be my daughters.
00:39:43That's going to be Kate and Duplicate.
00:39:45These are, uh.
00:39:47These are my boys.
00:39:48It's Pete and repeat.
00:39:50And if I had twins with a black girl, this is Tyrone and Tyclone.
00:39:56Identical twins.
00:39:57That's like bragging rights for you.
00:39:58You know what I mean?
00:39:59That's, that's your way of going, look, look at how good my balls are.
00:40:01Look, look.
00:40:03Or because you're Punjabi.
00:40:04Look at how good my 30 are.
00:40:05Look at this.
00:40:18Look at how good my balls are.
00:40:20My balls are so strong, it made one kid, and then it made the exact same kid right away.
00:40:26You lift up your balls, sponsored by Xerox.
00:40:28Sponsored by Xerox.
00:40:30I call the left one copy, the right one paste.
00:40:36For the people that are in relationships, and your girl wants kids, and you don't want kids,
00:40:42I got some, uh, I got a really great way out of this.
00:40:47Men, you need to learn how to fake orgasms.
00:40:51Trust me.
00:40:52Sperm face, do you have, um.
00:41:01I'll just call you Jizbunda.
00:41:05You have kids?
00:41:07Yes.
00:41:07How many?
00:41:08Two.
00:41:08Two.
00:41:09And with that lady there?
00:41:10Yes.
00:41:10Yes.
00:41:11And, and how old are they?
00:41:13My son is going to be seven, and my boy is five.
00:41:16Seven and five.
00:41:16Okay.
00:41:17And you like them?
00:41:18I love them.
00:41:19You like them so much you dress up as them.
00:41:24It would be amazing if she was dressed like an egg, you know, like.
00:41:37Men need to learn how to fake orgasms.
00:41:40That's their way around having kids.
00:41:42Let me, let me explain to you.
00:41:44Uh, first of all, women don't need to know how to fake orgasms, because they do it all
00:41:47the time.
00:41:49And women don't fake orgasms because they can't have them.
00:41:51Women fake orgasms because men are fucking idiots.
00:41:54Because here's the problem with men.
00:41:56We either don't pay enough attention to a woman, or we fixate on one spot.
00:42:00We'll be like, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh.
00:42:05And she's like, ow, ow, ow, ow.
00:42:09Okay, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
00:42:11But we don't hear the ow part.
00:42:13All we see is.
00:42:16And we're like, that must be the spot.
00:42:18Don't leave that spot.
00:42:19Ah, ah, ah, ah, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow,
00:42:25ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
00:42:26And the only way to get you to stop if she goes, ah.
00:42:33And then you walk away going, yeah, I did that.
00:42:36And she's like, no, you idiot, I was going numb.
00:42:45I need to learn how to fake an orgasm.
00:42:47Priyag, let me show you how.
00:42:52So when it comes to faking an orgasm with a woman, it's very technical.
00:42:57I've made up a list of suggestions.
00:43:00I recommend if you're going to fake an orgasm with a woman, you should be behind her.
00:43:05Having sex, not just standing there.
00:43:06That'd be fucking weird if you just...
00:43:14What the fuck was that?
00:43:20So you should be behind her having sex with her, with her at the same time, yeah.
00:43:25I recommend you're behind the woman because when you're behind a woman, it's easier to fake.
00:43:29It's harder for them to check your work.
00:43:31Because when you're behind a woman, very rarely does a woman turn around and go, are you good?
00:43:35Never.
00:43:36Because you know why?
00:43:37It's not an attractive angle.
00:43:38Women don't want to look like, no.
00:43:41So when you're behind them, it's like a horse in a race.
00:43:44It's...
00:43:45You never see a horse going...
00:43:53So you should be behind her.
00:43:56And let me ask you something.
00:43:57You guys are fucking, obviously.
00:44:00What's your name?
00:44:01Sorry?
00:44:02Sohill.
00:44:03Sohill.
00:44:03And your name's sweetheart?
00:44:04Kabirah.
00:44:05Kabirah?
00:44:06What?
00:44:06Shabina.
00:44:07Shabba?
00:44:08Shabishab?
00:44:10Shabina.
00:44:11Wait.
00:44:12Like as in you got to go to court tomorrow?
00:44:16Shabina.
00:44:17Shabita.
00:44:17Shabina.
00:44:18Shabina.
00:44:18Yes.
00:44:20There's like 10 different versions of the same name I just heard.
00:44:23Shabina.
00:44:23Okay.
00:44:24I'm going to prove to every woman in here that all men, including myself, every man in here has ADD.
00:44:30Every single one of us.
00:44:32Okay.
00:44:33Shabina.
00:44:35You ever doing it with Sahel and he's behind you and you can feel him slow down and then speed
00:44:43up and then slow down and speed up.
00:44:46And you're thinking, oh, my little susu's got, uh, my little susu has moves.
00:44:59Let me tell you something.
00:45:00That's not what it is.
00:45:01Let me tell you what happened.
00:45:02It's ADD.
00:45:02That's exactly what the fuck happened.
00:45:04Here's what happens, ladies.
00:45:04We get behind you.
00:45:05We're good for the first two strokes.
00:45:07And then after that, ADD.
00:45:09Like this.
00:45:10Yeah.
00:45:11All right.
00:45:28I've got to change that light bulb when I'm done.
00:45:31Oh, shit.
00:45:31Then we get back to it.
00:45:32That's what happens.
00:45:39Okay.
00:45:39Okay.
00:45:40Pay attention.
00:45:41Bastard.
00:45:41Hello.
00:45:47So when it comes to faking the orgasm, you don't have to do anything crazy.
00:45:50All right.
00:45:51You're just doing your normal sex that you guys do.
00:45:53And don't act like you do all kinds of fancy shit in the bedroom.
00:45:56Okay, people.
00:45:57We all know.
00:45:58Once you're in a relationship for a while, there's the three basic positions.
00:46:01There's the us, the her, the you.
00:46:04That's all there is.
00:46:05It's three moves.
00:46:07One to get it started.
00:46:08This one's for us.
00:46:09Okay.
00:46:10Okay.
00:46:10Now it's your turn, sweetheart.
00:46:11And then, and then my turn.
00:46:13That's what happens.
00:46:15And here's some good reasons as to why you should fake an orgasm.
00:46:19Because you're not ready to deal with a pregnant woman.
00:46:21It's a very different.
00:46:22Are you pregnant, sweetheart?
00:46:23I could tell because you've got a thin face and then you're holding your stomach and fat
00:46:27people never do that.
00:46:28So, um, what do you do?
00:46:30Four weeks.
00:46:31In four weeks.
00:46:32Oh, wow.
00:46:32You're right.
00:46:32Like right there.
00:46:33And, uh, is this your first child?
00:46:35And, and is she extra horny right now?
00:46:38It's true.
00:46:38It happens.
00:46:39It's.
00:46:42It's a fact.
00:46:44It's a fact.
00:46:46It's true.
00:46:47They get really horny towards the end of the pregnancy and it's very uncomfortable for
00:46:50us.
00:46:51Because my girl, when she was pregnant, she was like, towards the end,
00:46:53she was like, why did you want to have sex with me?
00:46:56And I go, it's, oh my God, you think I'm fat?
00:46:58I go, I don't think you're fat.
00:46:59I know you're pregnant.
00:47:01Then why won't you have sex with me?
00:47:03I'm like, I physically don't have enough equipment anymore to get in there.
00:47:07Because she got real big when she was pregnant.
00:47:09I was like, I can't.
00:47:10She's like, I'll get on top.
00:47:12And I go, no, because she gets on top.
00:47:13Then her stomach pushes me further away.
00:47:16And I'm like, uh-huh, uh-huh.
00:47:17And nothing.
00:47:18Just, I can't reach.
00:47:19It's just my balls hitting her in the back.
00:47:24Nothing happening.
00:47:27It's like that scene in Back to the Future where Doc's trying to connect the wire.
00:47:31Come on, Marty!
00:47:43Okay, so you're doing your three positions, right?
00:47:46You start some regular, regular love-making day.
00:47:48You know, you do us, her, and now it's on to you.
00:47:52So you're behind her, doing your thing.
00:47:53You don't have to do anything extra.
00:47:54You just do it like normal.
00:47:55You don't want to set off any alarms.
00:47:57And when it comes time where you feel like now is when I want to fake my orgasm, this
00:48:01is where the work comes in.
00:48:02You have to sell it.
00:48:03You have to make a really believable noise, first of all.
00:48:07All right?
00:48:07And it has to be a noise that you're not going to accidentally do in the middle of the day.
00:48:11All right?
00:48:11And it's got to be a big noise.
00:48:13You don't want to be like, huh?
00:48:14No.
00:48:14That's not it.
00:48:17All right?
00:48:19It's got to be big and, but boom, like something, like what I do is when it comes time for
00:48:23me
00:48:23to fake an orgasm, what I do is I just grab her ass out of nowhere really hard.
00:48:27I go, and then I go, because I'm never going to make that noise ever in my day.
00:48:36Not unless I'm doing an impression of a reporter from the 1930s.
00:48:40Russell Peters, L.A. Times.
00:48:41Can I get a quote?
00:48:43That's so, so you got to go, and that's only the beginning.
00:48:48Now you have to sell the orgasm.
00:48:50That's where the work comes in.
00:48:51So it's, you literally have to act like her vagina is electrocuting you.
00:49:09And then when you're done, you just collapse.
00:49:10You die.
00:49:11You die.
00:49:11You fall over.
00:49:18And then she'll be like, wow, that was a good one, huh?
00:49:23Yeah, that was a good one, yeah.
00:49:25Pay attention, though.
00:49:26A couple of seconds later, she's going to go, hey, uh, you're not leaking out of me.
00:49:36No, no, that's because I shot that one way up there.
00:49:40I launched that one.
00:49:41And that's when they're deep.
00:49:43Hey, whatever you do, don't burp.
00:49:44Because my...
00:49:53You know, Indian parents, like the NRI Indians, they're very different than you guys.
00:49:59You may not believe me, but you guys are far more forward-thinking than they are.
00:50:04Here's the problem with the Indians that left India.
00:50:06They left India in whatever year they left, and that's what year India is stuck in.
00:50:13If they left in 1970, India is still 1970 to them.
00:50:24They can't imagine all this shit is happening.
00:50:26No, no, that would never happen in India.
00:50:28Yeah?
00:50:28Come.
00:50:29Come, motherfucker.
00:50:29You're going to see.
00:50:30You're going to see.
00:50:32They hang on to shit that doesn't even exist in India anymore.
00:50:36They try to be overly Indian.
00:50:38And their whole reason for leaving was bullshit, because they'll do this, no, I want to leave
00:50:42and give my children a better life, give them opportunities, expose them to different things,
00:50:47let them experience a new world.
00:50:49And then what do they do?
00:50:50They have the kids born and raised in America, and then around 18, they go, son, we know
00:50:54you're dating, but maybe you should consider an Indian girl.
00:50:59And you're like, but we're in America now.
00:51:02I know, but you should think about an Indian girl.
00:51:04I go, no, I mean, you know, if I meet one, yeah, but it's not going to be my focus,
00:51:07because
00:51:09there's so many other women around here.
00:51:10I might as well try something else.
00:51:11I mean, if I'm going to get with an Indian girl, what was the fucking point of leaving
00:51:14in the first place?
00:51:16At least over there, we got way more choice.
00:51:19But son, what, this is the bullshit they pull on them.
00:51:22Son, what will happen to our culture if we don't stay together?
00:51:28What will happen to our culture?
00:51:30Let me tell you what will happen to our culture.
00:51:31Fucking nothing.
00:51:33You know why?
00:51:34Because there's 1.3 billion motherfuckers right here.
00:51:41If every Indian outside of India never married another Indian again,
00:51:45we would still have 1.3 billion right here.
00:51:50You don't need us helping you.
00:51:52Even you guys are like, stop fucking, please.
00:51:54We don't need any more.
00:52:00Here's what Indian parents need to understand.
00:52:02Is that the Indians and the Chinese will forever, always, 100% of the time, be on this
00:52:08planet.
00:52:09No matter what.
00:52:10There's too many of us to just go missing.
00:52:14If there was a nuclear war tomorrow, you know what would be left?
00:52:17Rats, roaches, Indians, and Chinese.
00:52:18That's all that would be left.
00:52:26And since everything's already made on this great continent of Asia, we're going to be
00:52:29fine.
00:52:31Here's what Indian parents need to understand.
00:52:33If an Indian guy has a kid with a white girl, they have a beige baby.
00:52:39That's a win for us.
00:52:42I have two kids with Latin women.
00:52:44My kids are khaki.
00:52:47If an Indian guy has a kid with a black woman, that's a brown baby with the possibility of
00:52:52a larger penis.
00:52:53That's another fucking win for us.
00:53:01And if an Indian guy and a Chinese girl have a baby, that's a super baby.
00:53:05And that's a win-win.
00:53:07And you can name the kid win-win.
00:53:18You know who I feel bad for in this world?
00:53:20I feel bad for white people.
00:53:21I do.
00:53:22I feel bad for white people.
00:53:24I know there's some in here, but I can't see you.
00:53:25You're back there.
00:53:26I see you glowing in the dark.
00:53:30I do feel bad for white people because you're dwindling at an alarming rate.
00:53:37You realize in about 150 years, there's not going to be any more purebred white people.
00:53:42They've just been infiltrated at all costs.
00:53:45That's why I feel like I live in America.
00:53:47And in America, you see on the news, you see white people have these rallies.
00:53:49And people get really mad at them.
00:53:51And I kind of sympathize with them.
00:53:52You see them on the news like, the white people need to be together with the white people.
00:53:57They always add an H in front of it for some reason.
00:53:59The white people.
00:54:01And I'll tell you what.
00:54:05But they're like, white people need to be together with white people.
00:54:08And I'm like, yeah, they do.
00:54:09I'm like, what?
00:54:10I'm like, I'm with you.
00:54:11We don't want you with us.
00:54:14I know I'm not with you with you, but I feel your pain.
00:54:17What the hell's wrong with you, boy?
00:54:20I'm just saying, well, there's a lot of us and there's very few of you.
00:54:24I just want to see the white people get preserved.
00:54:28Because if white people go missing, who the fuck are we going to blame?
00:54:37I'm not ready for that kind of accountability.
00:54:40Look at Scratch.
00:54:41His kids are half Indian.
00:54:42And yes, he likes the brown.
00:54:47And I don't mean.
00:54:54But Indian parents, they're, I know there's a lot of Indian parents here too, but you need
00:54:58to know, Indian parents, that you're very good parents, but you're also really shit parents
00:55:03at the exact same time.
00:55:05Here's why they're good.
00:55:06They're good because they love you so much.
00:55:08They're shit because they love you so much.
00:55:12Because here's the problem with Indian parents.
00:55:13They love their kids to the point where they don't let their kids think at all.
00:55:17Like they don't, we don't want their brain to burn out.
00:55:19Just let us do all the thinking for you.
00:55:21We will make all the decisions.
00:55:23And it all stems from, we all keep, we're missing a generation.
00:55:26You realize that?
00:55:26There is a generation missing from somewhere because our parents lived for their parents
00:55:31and our parents are trying to make us live for them.
00:55:33And then I guess we'll pass it down and make our kids live for us.
00:55:36And who the fuck is living for themselves anymore?
00:55:39But that's what they do.
00:55:40They overpower you with the, you know, son, just do what I tell you to do, okay?
00:55:44Trust me on this.
00:55:44Don't do that.
00:55:45Go here.
00:55:46Don't go there.
00:55:47Talk to these people.
00:55:48Don't talk to those people.
00:55:49And then if I'm not the kind of guy that could ever just take information like that.
00:55:53I always question everything.
00:55:54So I'm like, if you want to, you want to see an Indian parent fall apart, question them.
00:55:58Holy shit.
00:55:59They have no clue what to do.
00:56:01And I'm like, son, I don't want you going to that club tonight.
00:56:03I go, why not?
00:56:05What do you mean why not?
00:56:08I mean, why not?
00:56:09I need to know why I should not go to this club.
00:56:12Son, because it's a fact.
00:56:13What?
00:56:15What do you mean?
00:56:16What does that even mean?
00:56:17Son, it means it's a fact.
00:56:19You haven't given me one fact.
00:56:21Son, it's a fact.
00:56:22Something is a fact.
00:56:23It's a fact.
00:56:23You cannot change a fact because a fact is a fact.
00:56:27I'm like, is that a fact?
00:56:32I love coming back to India.
00:56:35And I'll tell you why.
00:56:38Because I love coming back to India.
00:56:39I, uh...
00:56:42You know, what's funny is people ask me all the time whenever I come to India, like,
00:56:45Russell, why don't you like Bollywood?
00:56:47Why don't you like Bollywood?
00:56:48I'll be honest with you.
00:56:49I'm going to tell you the truth right now.
00:56:50Here's the reason I...
00:56:51Here's the real reason I don't enjoy Bollywood films.
00:56:54Because I love car chases.
00:56:58And you can never have a fucking car chase in Mumbai.
00:57:02It's not even a plausible idea.
00:57:06Quick, get him!
00:57:09Beep!
00:57:10Beep, beep, beep!
00:57:14Uncle!
00:57:15Uncle!
00:57:17Uncle!
00:57:18Uncle!
00:57:19Uncle!
00:57:20Uncle!
00:57:20Uncle!
00:57:21Uncle!
00:57:22Uncle!
00:57:27We're trying to have a car chase!
00:57:30Uncle!
00:57:37Car chase went up to at least two kilometers an hour.
00:57:49Here's the thing now, and we live in a really interesting time.
00:57:52Where Indians used to just always leave India to go on vacation, I'm finding more and more
00:57:57Indians are celebrating the country more.
00:57:59They're going to different places in India and having, like, these really nice trips and
00:58:03vacations.
00:58:04And that, to me, is very important.
00:58:05Because the Indians that left, when we come here, we only go to where we're from.
00:58:10We don't see anything else ever.
00:58:13When I was a kid and I would come to India, just Bombay, Calcutta.
00:58:15That's all I would see.
00:58:16Bombay, Calcutta.
00:58:17Bombay, Calcutta.
00:58:19Got to the point where I didn't know if there was any more to India than just Bombay and
00:58:21Calcutta.
00:58:22And I remember being here in Bombay.
00:58:24I was nine years old, and I said to my dad, I go, Dad, is there any more to India
00:58:29than
00:58:29just Bombay and Calcutta?
00:58:30And my dad said, no.
00:58:33Are you sure?
00:58:34Positive.
00:58:36But there seems like there's a whole bunch of country out there.
00:58:39I'm sure there's more people.
00:58:40There are more people, and they look just like you.
00:58:41What do you want to see?
00:58:43I was like, Dad, can I see the Taj Mahal?
00:58:45Not from here.
00:58:50Physically impossible.
00:58:55It's a different place.
00:58:56You know, it's one of those, it's a beautiful place, but I always try and explain it to people
00:59:00in North America that India is the kind of country where you could cut it in half and
00:59:04have a north and a south and probably create two countries.
00:59:07Not that I want you to, but I'm saying.
00:59:09Because they're two completely different fucking worlds.
00:59:12You take a guy from the north of India and a guy from the south of India and throw them
00:59:17in a room together, they have nothing in common.
00:59:20They can't speak the same language.
00:59:21They don't look the same.
00:59:22They don't eat the same food.
00:59:23The only one common denominator through all of India is this.
00:59:27That's the only one thing we can agree on.
00:59:29You throw them in a room.
00:59:30Where are you from?
00:59:30I'm from India.
00:59:31I'm from India.
00:59:32What part?
00:59:32Not that part.
00:59:33No.
00:59:36Growing up, I was ripped off from the Indian culture.
00:59:38My parents didn't expose me to it.
00:59:40It was unfair.
00:59:41Because I hung around black people my whole life.
00:59:44From the time I was about four years old, all I hung around was black dudes.
00:59:48And it wasn't until I was about 18 that I realized, holy shit, I don't know anything
00:59:52about Indian people.
00:59:53Because my name's Russell.
00:59:54My parents are Eric and Maureen.
00:59:55My brother's Clayton.
00:59:56My grandparents are James, Christopher, Sheila, Eileen.
00:59:59It's not going to happen.
01:00:00It wasn't until I was about 18 that I started to meet Indian people.
01:00:03And I was so excited to meet Indian people, but I'd never heard Indian names.
01:00:07And I saw an Indian guy, and I go, yo, you Indian?
01:00:09He goes, yeah, me too.
01:00:10I go, I'm Russell.
01:00:11He goes, I'm Pankaj.
01:00:12I go, what the fuck was that?
01:00:16I go, why do your parents not like you?
01:00:18And then he's like, and this is when I realized how much I didn't know about Indian culture.
01:00:21He goes, hey, you know that one Indian song?
01:00:22I go, no, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
01:00:25Because my dad was very much against Indian music.
01:00:27He didn't like the Indian movies or the Indian music at all.
01:00:30It was just his, he just didn't like the sound of it.
01:00:32And I get it, you know, I, like my mom would sneak the Indian channel on every now and then.
01:00:38And there'd be like an Indian song playing in the background.
01:00:40My dad would just yell from the kitchen, Maureen, shut that shit off.
01:00:43Sounds like cats and heat.
01:00:47And then I remember hearing Indian music for the first time.
01:00:49And I go, holy fuck, it does sound like cats and heat.
01:00:55And that's why there's so many of us.
01:00:58Because we listen to horny cat music.
01:01:04But when I say I didn't know anything about the Indian culture, I mean fucking basic things I was lacking.
01:01:09And I was so mad at my parents for ripping me off from that part of my culture.
01:01:12That I went out of my way to try and learn everything about Indian culture.
01:01:15But there's too much to know.
01:01:16There's no way you can know everything about Indian people.
01:01:19Well, that's probably why we believe in reincarnation, so you can come back and finish the book.
01:01:26But basic things, like basic, basic things I didn't know.
01:01:29Like we came to India about 12, 13 years ago for shows.
01:01:34Here's how much I didn't know.
01:01:34We got off the plane.
01:01:36And the lady, all I can remember is my dad teaching me was, son, always be respectful, okay?
01:01:41Always be respectful.
01:01:42I go, all right, be respectful.
01:01:44We got off the plane in Bombay.
01:01:46The lady greets us.
01:01:47She goes, namaste, sir.
01:01:48I go, thank you.
01:01:51My brother goes, what the fuck was that?
01:01:53I go, I'm being respectful.
01:01:55He goes, no, you fucking idiot.
01:01:56You're supposed to namaste with her.
01:01:58I go, I don't know her like that.
01:02:01I can't just start namasteing bitches all over the place and catch a Me Too.
01:02:04I'm not playing this game.
01:02:05He goes, no, you fucking idiot.
01:02:06You got to bow and say namaste.
01:02:08And I go, oh, right, namaste, right.
01:02:10So then we get to the hotel and the guy greets us and he goes, namaste, uncle.
01:02:13And I go, uncle, who the fuck is this guy?
01:02:15We got cousins working at the hotel.
01:02:17Let's get an upgrade.
01:02:19And then after a while, I got the hang of it.
01:02:21And I became like the namaste king.
01:02:23You couldn't out namaste me for nothing.
01:02:25I was like, I was namasteing the shit out of people.
01:02:27Like, namaste, namaste, namaste.
01:02:29I was turning spins on it.
01:02:30Namaste, motherfucker.
01:02:31I was like a black girl at church breaking it down.
01:02:34Nah, motherfucking stay.
01:02:36I was.
01:02:38There was a lady in my hotel lobby.
01:02:40She was about to sneeze.
01:02:41She went, and I went, namaste.
01:02:42She went, you fucked up my sneeze.
01:02:47But I was on fire with my namastes everywhere.
01:02:50And we were on tour in my fake northern half of India.
01:02:53Namaste, namaste, namaste.
01:02:55And then we went to Chennai, Madras.
01:02:58And I'd never been to the south before.
01:03:00And we get off the plane.
01:03:01And as we get off the plane, the girl puts her hands together.
01:03:03And I cut her off.
01:03:03I go, namaste.
01:03:04And she goes, vannagam.
01:03:10What, what, what, what, what's that?
01:03:13She goes, vannagam.
01:03:15I said, did you just say vannagam?
01:03:23I was like, I like the south.
01:03:26Of course I want to come.
01:03:27Doesn't everybody want to come?
01:03:28Shouldn't you want to come at least once a day?
01:03:31It's different down there, man.
01:03:32It's very different.
01:03:34Try to explain to people the difference between the north and the south.
01:03:36North, taller.
01:03:37Lighter skin.
01:03:38Bigger features.
01:03:39More body hair.
01:03:41Not that bright.
01:03:43It's a fact.
01:03:46And you go to the south, shorter, darker, smaller features.
01:03:50Less body hair.
01:03:51Much smarter.
01:03:52And if you don't believe me that they're smarter in the south, I'll prove it to you.
01:03:56All the computer shit that happens in the world happens in the south of India.
01:04:01And I was trying to figure out why are they so good with computers.
01:04:03And I figured it out.
01:04:04It's the languages.
01:04:06Because in the north, they speak slower.
01:04:15Then you go to the south and they sound like this.
01:04:20And that's why they can read computer code.
01:04:33Well, there we are in Madras.
01:04:35And the promoter meets us out there at the airport.
01:04:38He's like, hello, Russell.
01:04:38I go, hi, I'm Russell.
01:04:39He goes, this is your driver.
01:04:41And I go, hey, buddy, I'm Russell.
01:04:42He goes, hello, sir.
01:04:43I'm Nagalingam.
01:04:44I said, what happened?
01:04:47I said, I'm Nagalingam.
01:04:48I said, I don't know what you're saying.
01:04:50That isn't my name, sir.
01:04:51What is your name?
01:04:53Nagalingam.
01:04:53And I said, we're going to need to work on this because I don't know that I'll be able
01:04:57to say that.
01:04:58Please, sir.
01:04:58Everyone just calls me Naga.
01:05:00I said, ooh.
01:05:02I got to be honest with you.
01:05:03I grew up with black people.
01:05:04And I'm a little uncomfortable with your name.
01:05:08I got to be honest with you.
01:05:10He goes, please, sir.
01:05:11Everyone, please.
01:05:12Just call me Naga.
01:05:13I said, all right.
01:05:14All right.
01:05:14So we start driving, right?
01:05:17And I see this mall coming up in the distance.
01:05:19And I'm like, ooh, I need to get something.
01:05:21So I'm trying to get the driver's attention.
01:05:22I'm like, yo.
01:05:23Hello, hello.
01:05:25Excuse me.
01:05:27Bastard.
01:05:29Bastard G.
01:05:31Hello, hello, hello.
01:05:33Yo.
01:05:34Hey, yo, my Naga.
01:05:39Can we stop at that mall for a second?
01:05:40He goes, no, no, sir.
01:05:41We must continue to the venue.
01:05:42I was like, Naga, please.
01:05:47Just then, this guy cuts him off.
01:05:51And he loses his shit.
01:05:53And I was like, yo, this Naga's crazy, right?
01:05:59Right there, my mom calls me.
01:06:00And she's like, where are you?
01:06:01I said, I'm in Madras.
01:06:02She goes, oh, that's great.
01:06:04Did you know that your grandfather, James Peters,
01:06:07was born and raised in Madras?
01:06:08And then he moved to Bombay.
01:06:09And that's where your father was born.
01:06:11I said, I did not know that.
01:06:13But did you know I got a driver?
01:06:15And he's got the best name I've ever heard in my life.
01:06:18She goes, what's his name?
01:06:19I said, Naga.
01:06:20And she goes, OK.
01:06:23I said, mom, isn't that funny?
01:06:24I said, no, why is it funny?
01:06:26What do you mean, why is it funny?
01:06:27Mom, his name is Naga.
01:06:29You know, like, Naga what?
01:06:34Naga who?
01:06:37And if you don't know, now you know.
01:06:42Naga.
01:06:44She goes, son, that's not funny.
01:06:45Naga just means snake.
01:06:47It does?
01:06:49What's his last name?
01:06:50I said, Lingam.
01:06:50She goes, oh, my God, that's funny.
01:06:52I go, why is that funny?
01:06:57That means penis.
01:06:58What?
01:07:00Wait, this guy's name is snake penis?
01:07:03She doesn't have any common name in the South.
01:07:06What?
01:07:07There are many snake peni down here?
01:07:10You can't just name your kid snake penis and send him out in the world.
01:07:15It's not like he's living in America with a name like Naga Lingam where nobody knows what
01:07:19it means.
01:07:19You all know what the fuck his name means.
01:07:22If you, you know that this Naga Lingam had to have had an arranged marriage.
01:07:25And it was one of those hardcore arranged marriages where he never met the girl until
01:07:29the day of the wedding.
01:07:30Even he got to the wedding.
01:07:31He's like, which one is she?
01:07:34OK, got it.
01:07:35Good, yes.
01:07:36They have the wedding.
01:07:38They have the reception.
01:07:40Everybody has a wonderful time.
01:07:41Naga Lingam and his new wife go back to the hotel room for the first time.
01:07:45They're alone.
01:07:46It's uncomfortable.
01:07:48He walks in the bedroom.
01:07:54So, I guess you've heard.
01:07:59Would you like to see it?
01:08:02And she goes, OK.
01:08:05He pulls out a flute.
01:08:09Thank you so much, Bombay.
01:08:11I love you guys.
01:08:46Check it out.
01:08:48Some do it for love, others do it the ball.
01:08:51Was taught do it for real, it don't do it at all.
01:08:54Self-made, we don't stress no camp.
01:08:56I follow no trend, shit, we do what y'all can.
01:08:59Straight up, no lesson to solve.
01:09:01Don't be stressing the guard unless the check-ins evolve.
01:09:05Ideas that's just trapped in my mind.
01:09:06That metaphorically, rhythmatically just happened to rhyme.
01:09:09I'ma shine, outlast the fire like a Tesla.
01:09:12Real deal, no gas required.
01:09:15Start the show, we got fans to excite.
01:09:17And let me pass it off to the man of the night.
01:09:19transponder!
01:09:21Give it up to transponder!
01:09:27Give it up to me!
01:09:31Give it up to me!
01:09:34Give it up for me!
01:09:38Give it up to me!
01:09:38We are here!
01:09:42Yo!
01:09:45Yo!
Comments