Bill Burr - Drop Dead Years [25] - video Dailymotion

Fyah TV Comedy

In what might be his most personal and introspective hour yet, Bill offers hilarious takes on everything from male sadness to dating advice. #comedy #standupcomedy #standup #billburr #billburrcomedy #billburrstandup

Transcript

00:00:09It's kind of a weird thing to be over 50, really starting to realize how fucked up you are.

00:00:18Like, I thought I did stand-up because I loved comedy.

00:00:22And then what I really figured out was like, no, that's not why I did it.

00:00:25I did stand-up because that was the easiest way to walk into a room full of a bunch of

00:00:31people that I didn't know and make everybody like me.

00:00:36Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Burr.

00:00:40All of the way I've moved through the world has always been like, where's the place I have the least

00:00:47chance of being heard?

00:00:56All right. Thank you. Thank you very much.

00:01:01Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

00:01:04All right.

00:01:07How are you? How's it going? Nice to be here.

00:01:11Nice to be here in Seattle, man.

00:01:15Okay?

00:01:17This is where all the progressive stuff happens.

00:01:23Jesus Christ. I went up to that Capitol Hill, a hipster area.

00:01:28I think I was the only guy not transitioning.

00:01:34Fucking unbelievable.

00:01:37It's a whole new race of people out there.

00:01:40Who knew?

00:01:41Who knew?

00:01:41It used to be either gay or you're straight.

00:01:43There's no fucking in-between.

00:01:45Oh, yes, there is.

00:01:46Oh, yes, there is.

00:01:49I don't pretend to pay attention.

00:01:51I am an old man at this point.

00:01:52I don't watch the news.

00:01:54You know, people who watch the news fascinate me.

00:01:56They're always eyebrows up and, like, freaking out.

00:01:59You're like, oh, yeah, all right.

00:02:01You just want to walk around in fight or flight mode your whole fucking life?

00:02:05This is what's happening.

00:02:06And there's plastic.

00:02:07There's plastic in the cereal.

00:02:09And then it's going against your children.

00:02:10And then there's going to be little plastic people.

00:02:14Is there any sort of solution?

00:02:15No, no, no.

00:02:16It's just this information.

00:02:18Walk around with this.

00:02:19Enjoy your work day.

00:02:22Yeah, I don't pay attention to shit.

00:02:25I don't know what's going on.

00:02:27Right?

00:02:28That's...

00:02:28I feel like that.

00:02:30I mean, I kind of know what's going on.

00:02:33Like, I know Gaza Strip.

00:02:34That's still going.

00:02:35Right?

00:02:39Yeah, all right.

00:02:41Okay, that's going on.

00:02:43Well, did you pick a side?

00:02:46Who deserves to live more?

00:02:48Right?

00:02:48I hate that shit.

00:02:50Well, these kids, they more line up with our foreign policy than these kids over here.

00:02:55And it's just...

00:02:55I don't...

00:02:56It's just...

00:02:56I don't know.

00:02:57I don't know.

00:02:57How the fuck is war still legal in 2024?

00:03:00Can you explain that to me?

00:03:02Like, I don't want these Oprah Winfrey applause breaks.

00:03:04Stop doing that.

00:03:05I'm just asking the question.

00:03:07All right?

00:03:08I mean, as a comedian, I can't call a fat fuck a fat fuck anymore.

00:03:12All right?

00:03:13Even if he took my last slice of pizza and is denying it with pepperoni on his breath,

00:03:18I can't be like, you fat, man-titted cunt.

00:03:21I know what you did.

00:03:22Own up to it.

00:03:24Everybody's like, all right, well, he took your pizza.

00:03:26But that's like no reason to body shame.

00:03:29I mean, yeah.

00:03:30It's like, yeah, it is.

00:03:31I can't get the fucking pizza back.

00:03:33At least I can make him feel bad about himself.

00:03:35All right?

00:03:38Yeah, I'm not allowed to do that, but it's still socially acceptable to shoot a missile

00:03:43in the general direction of somebody you're upset with.

00:03:50You're like, dude, there was like kids over there.

00:03:53This is my favorite response.

00:03:55Well, you know, they're using kids as human shields.

00:03:58It's like, well, you've got to work around that.

00:04:04Jesus Christ, if I'm mad at my neighbor and I want to beat the shit out of him, but he's

00:04:08holding a baby, all right, I wouldn't come in and try to punch him through the baby.

00:04:14Hey, you go in, you know, you throw a hook, you sweep the legs, you do it on the lawn

00:04:21so the baby bounces off the grass, all right?

00:04:25There's fucking rules to this shit.

00:04:31I do think it's hilarious that college kids are all freaking out, you know, fucking supporting the Palestinians.

00:04:36How dare the Israelis do what our country has been doing for 20 years?

00:04:42What the fuck?

00:04:43You don't do that shit.

00:04:45We do.

00:04:49You didn't like that one, did you?

00:04:51That was a little too close to him.

00:04:52All right.

00:04:53Oh, I know.

00:04:55We're liberating people.

00:04:57Whatever.

00:04:58Like I said, you don't listen to me.

00:05:00Don't listen to me.

00:05:00I don't know what's going on.

00:05:02I'm just living my life, man.

00:05:04You know?

00:05:05Keeping my life small.

00:05:07I'm just working on my home life.

00:05:08And it's been working out good for me.

00:05:10Like right now, currently, you know, because the relationship is alive, man.

00:05:14Right?

00:05:15Currently, I am getting along with my wife better than I ever have in the 20 years that I've known

00:05:20her.

00:05:21Yeah.

00:05:24Yeah, I figured something out.

00:05:26I figured something out.

00:05:28Basically, what happened was a friend of mine died.

00:05:31Right?

00:05:35I'm of that age.

00:05:36You know?

00:05:37It's starting to happen.

00:05:38I'm 56.

00:05:39Right?

00:05:40Which, granted, this is too young to die of natural causes.

00:05:43But it's not too young to drop dead.

00:05:46Right?

00:05:48Like as a man, I am in my drop dead years.

00:05:52Which are basically ages 49 to about 61.

00:05:56You know, anything past that, you're just looking at like a prolonged illness.

00:06:01You know?

00:06:03But these are the years that men drop dead.

00:06:08And dropping dead is a uniquely male experience.

00:06:11Right?

00:06:12Women don't drop dead.

00:06:14When was the last time you were out to brunch?

00:06:15And there was some woman, hey, I got my mouth done.

00:06:17Just grabs her chest and face down into some tapas.

00:06:21Oh, my God.

00:06:22Kathy!

00:06:23Right?

00:06:25There you go.

00:06:26Men drop dead all the fucking time.

00:06:28You're out there on the golf course.

00:06:30Some guy fucking...

00:06:32All of a sudden, just fucking into the shrubs.

00:06:36Another guy driving at you in a cart.

00:06:38His buddy just falls out the side.

00:06:40What happened?

00:06:41You know what happened.

00:06:43He never cried.

00:06:45That's what happened.

00:06:47And he held on to it.

00:06:49You know?

00:06:50He was fucking putting his pants on and he just rolled back on the bed.

00:06:53He never got back up again.

00:06:55It can happen.

00:06:58Like, I'll give you a scenario.

00:06:59Let's say, you know, I'm upstairs in the bathroom.

00:07:03My wife's downstairs making me breakfast.

00:07:05Right?

00:07:05It's a fantasy.

00:07:06You know?

00:07:09Let's pretend women still cook for their men.

00:07:13She's post-mating something and she's heating it up in the microwave.

00:07:19That's my love language, right?

00:07:21And I'm upstairs in the bathroom and all of a sudden she just hears a big thud in the floor.

00:07:27And it's just like, honey?

00:07:28Honey, was that you?

00:07:30This isn't funny.

00:07:33Honey?

00:07:34All right?

00:07:34The next thing you know, you're at my funeral.

00:07:37It happens just like that.

00:07:39And somebody's trying to put a positive spin on it.

00:07:42You know, he died doing what he loved.

00:07:46Trimming his pubes in the upstairs bathroom while listening to ACDC.

00:07:57You know, my favorite guy at the funeral is the guy who tries to figure out exactly what

00:08:01happened, like it's a Law & Order episode.

00:08:04You know, I think what happened was he was looking down at what he was doing and his head's

00:08:09heavy, you know?

00:08:10And he got on his toes.

00:08:12He lost his balance and whacked his head on the sink and it came flying back and there

00:08:17was no bath matter and that's kind of what happened.

00:08:24So anyway, I lose another friend.

00:08:29My buddy dies.

00:08:30I show up to the funeral.

00:08:32Open casket.

00:08:33It's last year.

00:08:342023.

00:08:35Open casket.

00:08:36We're still doing that?

00:08:38Huh?

00:08:39I've never understood open casket.

00:08:41I don't get it.

00:08:42It's like, you told me he was dead.

00:08:44I believed you.

00:08:49What is this?

00:08:50Some asshole coming in.

00:08:51I'm calling bullshit.

00:08:53All right?

00:08:54No, no.

00:08:54He had a lot of credit card debt.

00:08:56He wasn't getting along with his wife.

00:08:59Perfect candidate to fake his own death.

00:09:02All right, let's go.

00:09:02Open it up.

00:09:03Open it up.

00:09:04Let's see what you got.

00:09:05Let's see what you got.

00:09:07Let's see what you got.

00:09:09All right, that's pretty good.

00:09:10Pretty good.

00:09:13He looks pretty dead, but you know, Frank likes to fuck around, so leave it open.

00:09:17Let's see what we got.

00:09:20Dude, they left it open.

00:09:21They had my buddy propped up like he was watching SportsCenter for like 90 minutes.

00:09:27Fucking sitting there looking at the side of my friend's dead head.

00:09:31Like, why do I need that on the memory bank, you know?

00:09:34So anyway, it's a funeral.

00:09:36So what happens?

00:09:36You start thinking about your life, you know?

00:09:39You take stock in it.

00:09:40I start thinking about how fast my life's going by, how quick my kids are growing up, and

00:09:45then I had this thought I've never had before.

00:09:47I started thinking about how fast my marriage was going by, right?

00:09:51I was like, God damn, you know, I've been married almost frigging 11 years at this point.

00:09:55And I started thinking like, you know, you're not in it.

00:10:03I love when people do that.

00:10:04I've been married for 45 years.

00:10:06Be like, whoo!

00:10:07It's like he could ever chain to a radiator.

00:10:09All right?

00:10:12You have no idea what is going on.

00:10:18Jesus Christ, you can't always be thinking positive, people.

00:10:21Come on, you gotta fucking keep your head on a swivel.

00:10:26Maybe she wanted to leave, and I won't let her.

00:10:28No.

00:10:29No.

00:10:29I like to think we're happily married.

00:10:31So I just started thinking, man.

00:10:32We've been together for like 11 years, you know?

00:10:34And then I just started thinking all these stupid fights I'm having with her.

00:10:37I don't remember what half of her are about.

00:10:40She agreed to spend her life with me, and I'm being this curmudgeonly asshole.

00:10:44And I'm kind of ruining a little bit the one life she has.

00:10:49So I'm sitting back there, I'm looking at his dead head, and I think to myself...

00:10:57I could not look at it.

00:10:59I don't...

00:10:59Where else am I looking?

00:11:02There's a fucking dead body there.

00:11:03I'm listening to your eulogy?

00:11:05I'm not.

00:11:05I'm looking at that like...

00:11:07Is that going to be me someday?

00:11:08I guess it is.

00:11:09Jesus Christ.

00:11:13So at that moment, I was like, you know what?

00:11:15I think in the back nine, I'm just going to try to be a little more agreeable.

00:11:21You know?

00:11:23Just try to go with the flow a little more.

00:11:27Now, I didn't think this was a big adjustment to my relationship.

00:11:30Turned out to be huge.

00:11:34I didn't realize I was that fucking disagreeable.

00:11:38Evidently, I was.

00:11:39Because I quickly noticed, my wife talks to me in a regular voice, you know?

00:11:43She doesn't like what I say, she'll give me shit back, she breaks my balls or whatever.

00:11:46But I noticed, though, whenever she was going to ask me to do something with her that she

00:11:51thought maybe I didn't want to do, all of a sudden she would take on like this eggshell-y

00:11:55kind of voice, you know?

00:11:57She'd be talking normally.

00:11:58Are you going out tonight?

00:11:58Are you going to do some stand-up?

00:11:59All right, cool.

00:12:00Then all of a sudden, she'd just be like, yeah, hey, listen.

00:12:06There's always some sort of inanimate object that she was playing with.

00:12:09Yeah, hey, um, wanted to talk to you about something, you know?

00:12:15Really, like, timid.

00:12:16Like, she was trying to figure out which wire to snip so the bomb wouldn't go up.

00:12:20Like, yeah, hey, uh, listen, um, a friend of mine said there's a new restaurant that opened

00:12:28up right around the corner and it's supposed to be really good and, uh, I don't know.

00:12:33I was thinking, maybe we could go out one night, you know, have a date night, see if

00:12:37it's actually as good as they say.

00:12:42Now, the old me would have been like, oh, yeah, great, fantastic.

00:12:46I'm only on the road 41 weeks out of the year.

00:12:49God forbid I spend one fucking night on my own goddamn couch.

00:12:53I mean, Jesus Christ, why don't you just take me to LAF, stick me on a fucking plane and

00:12:58get me back out there?

00:13:00Am I even a person to you?

00:13:02Or am I just a fucking ATM machine?

00:13:04Is that what it is?

00:13:07Right?

00:13:08That was the old me.

00:13:12Yeah, no, that, that was the old me, but not new easygoing build.

00:13:18No siree.

00:13:21I just went like, all right, cool.

00:13:23Sounds like fun.

00:13:24And she was like, really?

00:13:29And I was like, yeah.

00:13:30And I swear to God, she went, yay.

00:13:37And then she came over and she gave me the sweetest little peck on my cheek.

00:13:42Yeah, I felt that jolt of love you feel in the beginning of the relationship.

00:13:47Took me by surprise and she walked out of the room.

00:13:49I was like, wow, what was that?

00:13:51I want more of that in my relationship.

00:13:55I'm going to try some more of this agreeing shit.

00:13:57This is pretty good.

00:14:00Yeah, so we go out.

00:14:04Yeah, we go out to dinner.

00:14:06We have a great time.

00:14:07In the next two weeks, it's a little more easygoing, you know?

00:14:10It's a little more easy breezy there, right?

00:14:12And everything's fine.

00:14:13She's talking to me normal.

00:14:14And then a couple weeks goes by and all of a sudden, once again, the eggshell voice.

00:14:17She just starts going, hey, uh...

00:14:22Something I've been meaning to talk to you about, uh...

00:14:26You know, we're going to that wedding up in Paso Robles, you know, in a couple weeks, you know?

00:14:31You know, we're supposed to just kind of go right up and come right back down.

00:14:33Well, you know, I was just kind of thinking, you know, we both love wine country.

00:14:37And, uh, what if we just didn't come right back?

00:14:41What if we went up and maybe stayed an extra couple of days, you know?

00:14:45Take something that was going to cost $900, make it cost $4,000.

00:14:48And I just thought, maybe...

00:14:54Maybe we could do something like that, get reconnected.

00:15:00And I just go, yeah, sure, you know?

00:15:03Sounds great.

00:15:04And she was just like, wow, you are being such a good sport lately.

00:15:09And now I'm waiting for that peck on the cheek, but it doesn't come, right?

00:15:13She just stands her ground.

00:15:15Because, you know, women, you give them an inch, they want to take a mile, right?

00:15:18So she's just standing there.

00:15:20And she's just kind of like, okay, cool.

00:15:22Because, uh, I was also thinking, um, you know, it's not just the wedding, you know?

00:15:29There's, like, all these events around it.

00:15:30Like, there's the night before, the drinks, you meet people.

00:15:32Then the morning, there's a brunch.

00:15:33Then there's the wedding itself.

00:15:35And then the day after, there's, like, a little pool party thing.

00:15:37And I was thinking, I don't know, you know, maybe we could go shopping and buy different outfits for each

00:15:42one of those, each one of those events.

00:15:48So, look at me.

00:15:49Obviously, I don't like to shop.

00:15:50I'm just not into this shit.

00:15:51So, but I went along with it.

00:15:52And I got to tell you, though, she was right, right?

00:15:55I went up.

00:15:55I go up to Paso Robles.

00:15:56I hate picking out outfits.

00:15:57All of my outfits were laid out like I was some eight-year-old kid, you know?

00:16:01And I'm just sitting there like, this is my breakfast outfit.

00:16:04I'm going downstairs.

00:16:06I'm going to have waffles and some bacon, maybe even some pancakes.

00:16:10Now I have on my sport coat.

00:16:12Ooh, I'm a big boy.

00:16:13I'm going to talk about the environment and have some drinky poos, right?

00:16:16And, dude, we got along great.

00:16:18Got along great.

00:16:19We looked great in the pictures.

00:16:20We ended up hooking up.

00:16:21We had a fantastic fucking time.

00:16:26And I've just been doing that.

00:16:29And I've never gotten along with her better.

00:16:31That's basically what it is.

00:16:33All you have to do to make them happy is just once a month agree to some shit that you

00:16:38would never fucking do.

00:16:44That they want to do.

00:16:46And they'll just be, like, happy as hell.

00:16:49Yes, exactly.

00:16:51Basically, what you guys are looking at here is a broken man.

00:16:59After 20 years, she finally got the saddle on my back.

00:17:03She's petting my neck on my...

00:17:05I don't give a shit.

00:17:07Which way do you want me to pull the wagon?

00:17:10Yeah, that's all you got to do.

00:17:11Agree to whatever dumb shit.

00:17:13And you can't just agree.

00:17:14You got to be enthusiastic about it, you know?

00:17:17Like, farmer's market?

00:17:19Oh, boy, would I?

00:17:22Oh, my goodness.

00:17:24Is corning season?

00:17:26Well, shit, I'll hold the bag.

00:17:29I'll tape the game.

00:17:31Don't worry about it.

00:17:39Because I know.

00:17:40This ain't about me.

00:17:45No, I don't want to go to that dark place.

00:17:49Well, fuck it.

00:17:50Let's go, then.

00:17:51All right?

00:17:54Okay.

00:17:55I know.

00:17:55It always rains on you guys.

00:17:57You guys are all fucking depressed, right?

00:17:59Under the bridge, doing whatever the fuck you're doing up here.

00:18:01Right?

00:18:02And your sad music.

00:18:06Anyway.

00:18:08Yeah, so...

00:18:10I'm this weird part of my life.

00:18:12I really am.

00:18:12It's this great thing where I'm just letting go of a lot of shit.

00:18:16And also kind of discovering stuff about myself.

00:18:18Like, I found out recently I have, like, depression issues.

00:18:22I couldn't believe it.

00:18:23I always hated when people were like,

00:18:24Oh, I'm fucking depressed.

00:18:25Shut up, you fucking pussy.

00:18:26Just get up and plow through it.

00:18:29Like, I got a clinic on the ground.

00:18:31I couldn't get off the ground.

00:18:33I had no fucking empathy.

00:18:36Whatsoever.

00:18:37I used to look at those people like,

00:18:38What the fuck is wrong with them?

00:18:40And I had the exact same thing.

00:18:42I had no fucking idea.

00:18:43You know?

00:18:43I don't have, like, clinical depression.

00:18:45I have, like, I have regular depression.

00:18:47You know?

00:18:49I got the regular stuff.

00:18:50Like, a lot of fucked up shit happened to me.

00:18:52I never dealt with it.

00:18:53I just kind of kept putting it over here.

00:18:54You know?

00:18:55It just sort of floats over here.

00:18:56And every once in a while,

00:18:57it taps me on the shoulder.

00:18:58Like, hey, you ready to deal with this shit?

00:19:00I'm like, okay, maybe.

00:19:02Or I could death scroll on Instagram

00:19:04and watch some guy refurbishing old skillets

00:19:07for, like, the next three hours.

00:19:08Oh, it's amazing.

00:19:09Yeah.

00:19:11Oh, yeah.

00:19:11I'll stay up till three in the morning

00:19:13washing people, like, power wash,

00:19:16like, sidewalks and driveways

00:19:18rather than unpacking that shit.

00:19:21And it's always fucking tapping me

00:19:23on the shoulder.

00:19:24You know?

00:19:25Creeping up on me.

00:19:26I call it the fog.

00:19:27So I fucking, I try to stay ahead of it.

00:19:29And I have all these hobbies

00:19:30and all these different things that I do.

00:19:32So I just keep moving

00:19:33so it can't keep up with me, right?

00:19:34And I've noticed,

00:19:36at some point,

00:19:37I'm going to have to face this shit, right?

00:19:39So the end of last year,

00:19:40I was taking, like, six weeks off from the road

00:19:42and I knew the shit was coming, right?

00:19:43I felt it.

00:19:44I was like, here you go, Bill.

00:19:46You're off the road.

00:19:47Time to deal, right?

00:19:48And this time I was like,

00:19:49you know what?

00:19:49Fuck this.

00:19:49I'm just going to sit in this shit

00:19:51as long as I can sit in it,

00:19:52you know, and see what happens, right?

00:19:54So it took about three days

00:19:55before my wife noticed, right?

00:19:58I was sitting over in the corner.

00:19:59I had, like, an Afghan, like, wrapped around me.

00:20:02I wasn't shaving and shit.

00:20:04I'm just sitting there watching TV all day.

00:20:06And you know what's funny?

00:20:06When you shave your head like this,

00:20:07it looks like, you know, jujitsu possibly,

00:20:09you know?

00:20:10But after three days,

00:20:11you look like some retired shoe salesman,

00:20:13you know, that didn't get the gold watch.

00:20:16So I'm sitting there

00:20:18and my wife, you know,

00:20:19we got two little kids.

00:20:20She took her a few days to notice.

00:20:22She finally takes me in.

00:20:23She just goes,

00:20:23she goes, hey, what's going on with you?

00:20:27She's like, is everything all right?

00:20:29And I was like, no.

00:20:32And she's like, what's the matter?

00:20:34And for the first time in 20 years of knowing her,

00:20:36I actually communicated an emotion.

00:20:43I swear to God, she goes, what's the matter?

00:20:46And I go, I'm sad.

00:20:52Exactly.

00:20:53That's fucking hilarious coming out of a man's mouth.

00:20:56It's just funny.

00:20:57Yeah.

00:20:58She didn't know what the fuck to do.

00:21:02Right?

00:21:04Men aren't allowed to be sad.

00:21:05We're allowed to be one of two things.

00:21:07We're allowed to be mad or fine.

00:21:09That's it.

00:21:10Right?

00:21:11Those are normal behaviors of a man.

00:21:14You can be mad like,

00:21:15Jesus Christ,

00:21:16who put this here?

00:21:17How many fucking times do I got to say,

00:21:19Jesus,

00:21:20goddamn area,

00:21:21please.

00:21:21Jesus Christ.

00:21:22Somebody's going to fall,

00:21:23break their fucking neck.

00:21:24I'm so tired.

00:21:25I said it once.

00:21:26I said it a hundred fucking times.

00:21:27Right?

00:21:28And then what if your wife just fucking rolls her eyes?

00:21:30Yeah,

00:21:31just send him out in the yard,

00:21:32let him walk it off.

00:21:33Throw him a beer out there.

00:21:34He'll be fine.

00:21:35Right?

00:21:36Yeah.

00:21:36He'll be good.

00:21:37Right?

00:21:37You're allowed to be that or fine.

00:21:40How you doing, Bill?

00:21:41I'm fine.

00:21:43You sure?

00:21:44Yeah,

00:21:45I'm sure.

00:21:45I said it was fine.

00:21:46Why the fuck would I say it's fine?

00:21:47Why the fuck would I say it's fine?

00:21:48Then you're just right back over there.

00:21:49And your whole fucking life is that.

00:21:53And what's weird about a guy is we feel all the other emotions.

00:21:57Right?

00:21:57Melancholy,

00:21:58being sentimental,

00:21:59enjoying a sunset,

00:22:01all of that type of shit.

00:22:02But all this in here is just called gay.

00:22:04Right?

00:22:10It's just a giant bag of gay.

00:22:12You swing it over your shoulder

00:22:14and you just fucking throw that in the woods.

00:22:17That's it.

00:22:18You do that for half a century.

00:22:20One day you grab your fucking chest

00:22:22and you go down

00:22:22and then that's it.

00:22:23It's a fucking wreck.

00:22:26Yeah.

00:22:27So, you know,

00:22:28I'm an old dad.

00:22:29I gotta be here for my kids.

00:22:31So, I gotta start figuring myself out here.

00:22:33So, yeah,

00:22:34I just told her.

00:22:34I was like,

00:22:35fuck it.

00:22:35I just said I'm sad.

00:22:36And she just went like,

00:22:37she just went,

00:22:38oh.

00:22:43She's like,

00:22:43was it something I did?

00:22:45Did I do something?

00:22:46I said,

00:22:46no,

00:22:46you owe me a great.

00:22:47You owe me a great.

00:22:47This is some shit from a long time ago.

00:22:50You know,

00:22:50that I've just been thinking

00:22:51it's been coming up

00:22:52and all of that.

00:22:53It's just been really bothering me.

00:22:54And she goes,

00:22:54oh, okay.

00:22:55Well,

00:22:56I'm sorry.

00:22:59And then she just walked out of the room.

00:23:04And I couldn't even get mad at her.

00:23:06I was just envious, right?

00:23:08I was like,

00:23:08I didn't know you could fucking do that.

00:23:11All these years of listening to you

00:23:13dump your day on me?

00:23:16Having to actively listen?

00:23:19Mandy said that to you?

00:23:20No,

00:23:21she didn't.

00:23:22Oh,

00:23:23my goodness.

00:23:24So what did you say?

00:23:26Oh,

00:23:26you said that?

00:23:28No,

00:23:29you are totally within your right to say that.

00:23:32And I feel proud to be with you,

00:23:34knowing that you stuck up for yourself

00:23:36in that fucking moment.

00:23:37Jesus Christ.

00:23:39Right?

00:23:43Yes.

00:23:44I didn't realize

00:23:46that I could just be like,

00:23:48oh,

00:23:48that's between you and Mandy?

00:23:49All right,

00:23:50take it easy.

00:23:52Good luck with that shit.

00:23:53I'm going to go watch some hockey.

00:23:56That is some you and Mandy shit.

00:23:58Let me know how that works out.

00:23:59Or don't.

00:24:00I don't give a fuck.

00:24:02Yeah.

00:24:05Yeah.

00:24:07That's the thing.

00:24:07So that's like been an adjustment

00:24:09in the relationship

00:24:10now that I'm starting to feel feelings

00:24:11because it's not about the guy

00:24:14at all.

00:24:15Right?

00:24:16Like all of these fucking holidays.

00:24:18My favorite time of the year

00:24:19is March and April.

00:24:20You know what I mean?

00:24:21It's just 61 glorious days.

00:24:24No fucking holiday

00:24:25where the man has to make

00:24:27some sort of financial gesture

00:24:29to the woman in his life.

00:24:31You know what I mean?

00:24:31Like Valentine's Day.

00:24:33It just sneaks up on you

00:24:34every year.

00:24:35It's like I just fucking

00:24:36got you something.

00:24:37I just paid the bill

00:24:38in January

00:24:39and then here we fucking go again.

00:24:41When are you going to feel loved?

00:24:43Right?

00:24:44Jesus fucking Christ.

00:24:45Here you go.

00:24:46It's something shiny.

00:24:48Are you happy?

00:24:49Oh,

00:24:49that's good.

00:24:50I'm glad you're happy.

00:24:51Don't mind me.

00:24:52I'm just over here

00:24:53in a walking depression.

00:24:55But as long as you're happy,

00:24:57as long as you're happy,

00:24:59I'm happy.

00:24:59Don't mind me.

00:25:00Hey, look at me.

00:25:01I'm over here.

00:25:01I'm learning how to make a crepe.

00:25:03Yeah.

00:25:04I'm learning how to make a crepe.

00:25:06Wow, Bill,

00:25:06you have so many interests.

00:25:08No.

00:25:08Just sad.

00:25:10Just sad, you know.

00:25:14Just trying to quiet the voices

00:25:16so I don't put rocks in my pocket

00:25:18and step in the pool.

00:25:19Okay?

00:25:20Who wants a crepe?

00:25:24Yeah.

00:25:25There are a lot of sad men.

00:25:26I realize that.

00:25:27Now that I know how fucked up I am,

00:25:29you can always,

00:25:29it's like I can see through the matrix.

00:25:31There's so many sad guys,

00:25:32they don't even know they're sad.

00:25:35Yeah.

00:25:35Ladies,

00:25:36you're married,

00:25:37you're probably married

00:25:37to a sad guy right now.

00:25:38That's what the fucking garage is for.

00:25:40That's what the garage is for.

00:25:42You tease him to your friends.

00:25:43He's always out there

00:25:44working on that project.

00:25:45He's never going to finish.

00:25:47Yeah,

00:25:47because he can't see the measurement

00:25:48through the tears.

00:25:49Right?

00:25:54I'll give you another classic

00:25:55fucking sad guy.

00:25:57That cool uncle you got,

00:25:58you know,

00:25:59the one who never got married,

00:26:00right?

00:26:01The one with the motorcycle.

00:26:03And you're looking at him,

00:26:04wow,

00:26:04he's so cool.

00:26:05He rides a motorcycle.

00:26:06He's not afraid to die.

00:26:08Yeah,

00:26:08because he died years ago

00:26:10when whatever happened to him

00:26:11happened to him.

00:26:13He comes over for the holidays.

00:26:15How long does he last

00:26:16seeing a loving family?

00:26:17He can't fucking handle it.

00:26:18He wants it.

00:26:18He doesn't know how to get it.

00:26:19Got to hit the trail.

00:26:20He rides away.

00:26:23You're like,

00:26:23wow,

00:26:24he's so cool.

00:26:25That's because you can't see

00:26:26the tears

00:26:28streaking down his face,

00:26:30conditioning his ponytail.

00:26:33Because he rides off

00:26:34to fuck some sleeve tattooed,

00:26:37traumatized woman.

00:26:43Is this too sad

00:26:44for even Seattle?

00:26:48All right.

00:26:51All right.

00:26:52Well,

00:26:52I will give you,

00:26:53I will give you

00:26:54the number one place

00:26:55to see sad men.

00:26:58Guitar Center.

00:27:00Oh,

00:27:01my God.

00:27:03One of the saddest places

00:27:05on earth.

00:27:07Failed,

00:27:07struggling musicians

00:27:09behind the counter.

00:27:10A bunch of men

00:27:11in loveless marriages

00:27:13or divorce

00:27:14just walking around

00:27:15looking at the guitars.

00:27:17Is that a custom color?

00:27:19Is it?

00:27:19Maybe if I add that

00:27:21to my collection,

00:27:22it'll fill up

00:27:23whatever this void is

00:27:24in the center of my chest.

00:27:28I don't know.

00:27:30I don't have any

00:27:31fucking solutions,

00:27:33but...

00:27:36Yeah.

00:27:40Anyway,

00:27:41what's funny,

00:27:42so my home life is great.

00:27:43I'm getting along great

00:27:43with my wife.

00:27:44I'm getting along,

00:27:45you know,

00:27:45kids are awesome.

00:27:46Everything's great at home.

00:27:46You know,

00:27:47the balance of life.

00:27:47If that's going to be good,

00:27:48something has to be,

00:27:49like,

00:27:49fucked up,

00:27:50you know,

00:27:51to fix it.

00:27:52It sucks,

00:27:53you know?

00:27:53Like,

00:27:53my home life is great,

00:27:55but what sucks

00:27:55is the people that raised me.

00:27:56It's not a good situation now,

00:27:57you know,

00:27:58aunts and uncles,

00:27:58everybody getting older,

00:27:59people dying,

00:28:00people getting diseases,

00:28:02you know?

00:28:02Like,

00:28:03recently,

00:28:03somebody I know

00:28:04got diagnosed,

00:28:05you know,

00:28:05with dementia,

00:28:07which is,

00:28:07you know,

00:28:08it sucks,

00:28:08but there's nothing

00:28:09you can do,

00:28:10you know?

00:28:10What do you do

00:28:11when somebody has dementia?

00:28:12What can you really do?

00:28:12You just be nice to them,

00:28:14right?

00:28:14They repeat a story,

00:28:15you just act like

00:28:16it's the first time

00:28:17they said it,

00:28:18you know what I mean?

00:28:19You don't sit there

00:28:20looking around the room

00:28:20like,

00:28:21they're fucking doing this again?

00:28:22Jesus Christ.

00:28:23What is this,

00:28:24Groundhog Day?

00:28:27You think he's going to

00:28:28change the ending?

00:28:29I mean,

00:28:29good lord,

00:28:30I don't give a fuck,

00:28:31he's not going to remember

00:28:31me saying this,

00:28:32right?

00:28:33No,

00:28:34you don't do that,

00:28:34you just act like

00:28:35it's the first time

00:28:36they said it,

00:28:37they repeat a question,

00:28:39you just act like

00:28:40it's the first time

00:28:41they asked it.

00:28:42You are nice to people

00:28:43with dementia,

00:28:44unless they're the

00:28:46president of the

00:28:46United States,

00:28:47at which point,

00:28:52at which point,

00:28:53you can go off.

00:28:54Look at you guys,

00:28:55people applauding

00:28:56that somebody has dementia.

00:28:59How fucked up is that?

00:29:01Not 30 seconds ago

00:29:02when I said someone

00:29:03in my family

00:29:05got diagnosed,

00:29:06you guys were all,

00:29:06you could hear a pin drop,

00:29:08and you had empathy,

00:29:09like,

00:29:09oh no,

00:29:10maybe you know somebody

00:29:11that has it aware of you,

00:29:12oh my god,

00:29:12it's terrible,

00:29:13I know what you're

00:29:13going through.

00:29:14Second you put a blue

00:29:16or a red tie on it,

00:29:17fuck that old man,

00:29:18fuck him,

00:29:19I'm glad he's gonna die.

00:29:21Yeah,

00:29:22still applauding.

00:29:25It's fucking,

00:29:26what is wrong with us?

00:29:30We're fucking out

00:29:31of our minds.

00:29:33People aren't gonna

00:29:33take the vaccine,

00:29:35but they'll take

00:29:35Ozepic,

00:29:36right?

00:29:37Well,

00:29:38Ozepic's my choice.

00:29:39No,

00:29:39it wasn't,

00:29:40they poisoned the food

00:29:41supply and you fucking

00:29:42ballooned up

00:29:43and now you're

00:29:43jabbing that in

00:29:44and then they're

00:29:45gonna wheel you in.

00:29:46It's not,

00:29:46it's not,

00:29:47you're a money-making

00:29:49vehicle.

00:29:51Anyway,

00:29:54if Joe Biden,

00:29:55here's a funny thing,

00:29:56if Joe Biden

00:29:56wasn't a politician,

00:29:58if he wasn't famous,

00:29:59if he was just

00:29:59some random old guy

00:30:01sitting by himself

00:30:01in a diner,

00:30:03repeating himself,

00:30:06there's nobody with him.

00:30:07You would have

00:30:07empathy for him

00:30:08going like,

00:30:08oh my god,

00:30:10is there anybody

00:30:11with that guy?

00:30:12Oh,

00:30:13I mean,

00:30:13that is really dangerous.

00:30:15Who's gonna help him out?

00:30:16How's he gonna know

00:30:17he already had pie?

00:30:19He could eat himself

00:30:20to death,

00:30:21right?

00:30:25Second he's a Democrat

00:30:26or a Republican,

00:30:28you're just like,

00:30:28fuck you,

00:30:29old man,

00:30:29you're losing your mind.

00:30:32You're going crazy.

00:30:35You already said that.

00:30:36You already said that.

00:30:37You already said that.

00:30:39I love that shit.

00:30:41It's what makes

00:30:42human beings hilarious.

00:30:43I'm one of the biggest

00:30:44hypocrites you're ever

00:30:45gonna fucking meet

00:30:45in your life.

00:30:46And I love,

00:30:47I love hypocrites.

00:30:48I love weird rules.

00:30:50Like,

00:30:50one of my favorite things

00:30:51about the West Coast

00:30:52is on the five freeway,

00:30:53you have that,

00:30:54that commuter lane.

00:30:55You know?

00:30:56You gotta have two people

00:30:57in it called the HOV lane,

00:30:58the high occupancy,

00:30:59high occupancy vehicle lane,

00:31:01whatever the fuck

00:31:01it's called,

00:31:01right?

00:31:02Yeah,

00:31:03I just love the respect

00:31:04that it gets.

00:31:07For the most part,

00:31:0899% of people

00:31:09will not go in

00:31:09that fucking lane

00:31:11unless they have

00:31:12two people.

00:31:12We just sit

00:31:13in the other six lanes,

00:31:14dead stop,

00:31:15hating life.

00:31:17Why did I move out here?

00:31:18This fucking sucks.

00:31:20I can see my house.

00:31:22I can see it.

00:31:23I can walk from here.

00:31:25And there's this

00:31:26wide open lane to freedom.

00:31:28Nobody goes in it.

00:31:28They're like,

00:31:29oh,

00:31:29I can't go on that.

00:31:30You know?

00:31:30Don't have enough

00:31:32occupancy's in my vehicle.

00:31:34Right?

00:31:35Here's the thing.

00:31:35I could take a chance.

00:31:37Right?

00:31:38I could go in there

00:31:38by myself.

00:31:39Okay?

00:31:39But if there's a cop there,

00:31:40I'm gonna get pulled over.

00:31:42I'm gonna get yelled at.

00:31:43I get a ticket

00:31:43and my insurance goes up.

00:31:44I am not allowed

00:31:45to do that.

00:31:46However,

00:31:48I can still join the Klan.

00:31:54I can join the Ku Klux Klan

00:31:57and not get in trouble.

00:31:59All right?

00:32:00I don't get yelled at.

00:32:02I don't get a ticket.

00:32:03No insurance goes up.

00:32:05I could drive down the highway

00:32:07in my Klan outfit

00:32:09as long as I had the mud flap up.

00:32:11All right?

00:32:12It could say Grand Dragon

00:32:13on the front of the sheet.

00:32:14I could have a white power bumper sticker.

00:32:16I could have a Hitler bobblehead

00:32:18right on the dashboard.

00:32:19You're sitting there

00:32:19fucking going like that.

00:32:21I would not get pulled over

00:32:24unless I went into the HOV lane.

00:32:27Right?

00:32:29Yeah.

00:32:30And then I wouldn't get pulled over

00:32:32because I joined

00:32:34a terrorist organization.

00:32:35I would get pulled over

00:32:37because I didn't have

00:32:37another terrorist with me.

00:32:41That's what the problem would be.

00:32:44Yeah.

00:32:49Yeah, the cop would be coming up

00:32:50like, well, well, well,

00:32:51aren't we in a hurry

00:32:52to get to the cross burning

00:32:53this evening, huh?

00:32:55Who the hell do you think

00:32:56you are, buddy?

00:32:57I'll tell you right now,

00:32:59you better have a black guy

00:33:00in the trunk

00:33:00or you, sir,

00:33:01are in a lot of trouble.

00:33:02Now get your license up.

00:33:14You know what's funny

00:33:15is I don't think anybody

00:33:16joins the Klan anymore,

00:33:17you know?

00:33:18That's like your great,

00:33:19great, great grandfather's

00:33:21hate group, you know?

00:33:23I don't like blacks

00:33:24or Jews or fucking queers.

00:33:27I feel like they're still

00:33:28on horses, you know?

00:33:30Just a bunch of old,

00:33:31ugly white guys

00:33:32just riding around,

00:33:33hey, God made me

00:33:34in this image

00:33:35and Jesus looks like

00:33:36I made me fucking

00:33:37like fucking queers.

00:33:41You know what's hilarious

00:33:42about Jesus?

00:33:44You know what I learned

00:33:45about this guy?

00:33:46In North America,

00:33:47he's white.

00:33:49He's like almost

00:33:50as white as I am.

00:33:52But the closer you get

00:33:53to the equator,

00:33:54the more he starts looking

00:33:55like Lenny Kravitz.

00:33:56Have you noticed that?

00:33:57Have you noticed that?

00:33:59Have you noticed that?

00:34:02Anyway, yeah,

00:34:03nobody joins the Klan

00:34:04anymore, you know?

00:34:07As a white person,

00:34:08you don't want to join

00:34:08the Klan, right?

00:34:09You want to join

00:34:10a younger, hipper,

00:34:12white nationalist group,

00:34:14right?

00:34:14Like the neo-Nazis

00:34:16or the Proud Boys,

00:34:17you know,

00:34:18with their little fades,

00:34:18you know,

00:34:19and their little

00:34:19okey-doke thing,

00:34:20they stick their pee-pees

00:34:21through or whatever

00:34:21the secret handshake is.

00:34:23I don't know.

00:34:24I don't pretend

00:34:24to know these things.

00:34:26Or maybe you just

00:34:26want to be that random,

00:34:28get-off-my-lawn,

00:34:29racist white dude,

00:34:30you know that guy?

00:34:30The patriotic guy?

00:34:32You know that guy?

00:34:34He dresses every weekend

00:34:34like it's the 4th of July.

00:34:36Everything he has

00:34:37has the American flag on it,

00:34:39you know,

00:34:39there's a bald eagle

00:34:40on his shirt,

00:34:41the Declaration of Independence

00:34:42down this sleeve,

00:34:44Thomas Jefferson's nuts,

00:34:45Mount Rushmore

00:34:46right back here.

00:34:48Gods, gods, gods,

00:34:49freedom ain't free,

00:34:50you don't like it,

00:34:50go fuck yourself

00:34:51and all that.

00:34:52Then you got

00:34:53the giant pickup truck

00:34:54with the huge American flag

00:34:56hanging off the back.

00:34:58That's my favorite.

00:34:59The giant American flag

00:35:01off the back

00:35:02like we don't know

00:35:03what country we're in.

00:35:05Like,

00:35:06just in case you forgot,

00:35:08you're in America.

00:35:09Deep, deep.

00:35:12You know what's funny?

00:35:13Recently I did a gig

00:35:14up in Canada, right?

00:35:16We landed in Calgary

00:35:17and we're driving to the,

00:35:19me and Kenny

00:35:19are driving to the hotel

00:35:20and I saw a guy up there

00:35:21who had a giant pickup truck

00:35:23with a giant Canadian flag

00:35:25hanging off the back

00:35:26and I was so relieved.

00:35:29You know?

00:35:29I was like,

00:35:30thank God.

00:35:31I thought only we

00:35:33had that fucking idiot

00:35:34in our country.

00:35:37Evidently,

00:35:38he's everywhere.

00:35:41Which is hilarious to me

00:35:42because that means

00:35:43there's a guy in England

00:35:44right now

00:35:45with a giant British flag

00:35:47hanging off the back

00:35:48of a scooter

00:35:49just riding around

00:35:49like,

00:35:51right,

00:35:51you're in London,

00:35:52you silly cunt.

00:35:53Meet me.

00:35:54Brexit,

00:35:55you fucking yank.

00:35:56Right?

00:36:01I don't know,

00:36:02that just blows my mind,

00:36:03you know,

00:36:03it's like,

00:36:04it's 2024,

00:36:05all of these people

00:36:06got in trouble,

00:36:07got canceled and shit,

00:36:08you know what I mean?

00:36:09Never came around

00:36:10to the Klan.

00:36:14None of those groups

00:36:15ever got canceled,

00:36:16but if you said in 1992,

00:36:17hey, nice titties,

00:36:19comes back to bite you

00:36:20in the ass

00:36:2130 years later.

00:36:27That's the question

00:36:27I've been asking

00:36:28when I'm on the road,

00:36:29like,

00:36:29why do you,

00:36:29here's a question I have,

00:36:30why do you think the Klan,

00:36:31it's 2024,

00:36:32right,

00:36:32why do you think the Klan

00:36:34still exists?

00:36:38Racist.

00:36:39Racist?

00:36:39I'm not saying

00:36:40what they are.

00:36:42Racist.

00:36:43Why do you think

00:36:44fat people exist?

00:36:45Eat too much.

00:36:47Are they all

00:36:48going to be this easy?

00:36:50Are they all going to be this easy?

00:36:52You know what the funniest

00:36:53answer I got?

00:36:54I go,

00:36:55why do you think people

00:36:55are still in the Klan

00:36:572024?

00:36:58Some guy yelled out,

00:36:59he goes,

00:36:59something to do.

00:37:06You know,

00:37:06we all got our things.

00:37:07Some people are into bowling,

00:37:09some people like to drop,

00:37:11some people like to blow up

00:37:12churches with innocent

00:37:13people in there.

00:37:14I mean,

00:37:14you know,

00:37:15it's all,

00:37:15you know,

00:37:16whatever your trip is.

00:37:20You know why

00:37:21they still exist?

00:37:23You know why,

00:37:24right?

00:37:24Some people go,

00:37:25well,

00:37:25you know,

00:37:25it's a First Amendment issue.

00:37:27It's a freedom of speech.

00:37:28We have this wonderful thing

00:37:29in this country,

00:37:31for white people only,

00:37:32called freedom of speech.

00:37:35I mean,

00:37:36they have to be allowed

00:37:37to join these groups.

00:37:38They have to be allowed

00:37:39to march down the streets

00:37:40with semi-automatic weapons,

00:37:42chanting the N-word,

00:37:44trying to create a race war

00:37:45on the internet,

00:37:47okay?

00:37:47They have to be allowed

00:37:48to do this.

00:37:49If they are not allowed

00:37:50to do this,

00:37:51it's a slippery slope.

00:37:52Next thing you know,

00:37:53there goes the town pool.

00:37:54So,

00:37:55you really have to be careful

00:37:57about censorship.

00:38:01You name one other fucking race

00:38:03that can do that.

00:38:05Yeah,

00:38:06no,

00:38:06I'm telling you.

00:38:07The reason why

00:38:08they still fucking exist

00:38:10is because they don't fuck

00:38:11with white people.

00:38:12That's basically it.

00:38:13If they did to white people

00:38:15what the fuck

00:38:15they've done to black people,

00:38:16how long do you think

00:38:18that stupid fucking group

00:38:19would have been around?

00:38:21Maybe five weeks

00:38:22because it was the 1800s

00:38:23and it took a month

00:38:24to get across the state

00:38:25to get to those idiots

00:38:26and they would have

00:38:27mowed them down

00:38:28with the first machine gun

00:38:29that was the size

00:38:29of a fucking cannon.

00:38:32And that would have been

00:38:34fucking it.

00:38:37No,

00:38:38you don't believe me?

00:38:38Do you remember 9-11

00:38:39when those brown people

00:38:40knocked down

00:38:41those two perfectly

00:38:42good white buildings?

00:38:44My people lost their minds.

00:38:47Kill all those motherfuckers.

00:38:48Block that whole side

00:38:49of the planet.

00:38:50Anybody with a brown shirt

00:38:51get the fuck out of here.

00:38:54Yeah,

00:38:54the exact same people

00:38:55if the Klan

00:38:56or Proud Boys

00:38:56does some fucked up shit.

00:38:58What is the best we have?

00:38:59The most liberal

00:39:00of my people.

00:39:01What's the best we got?

00:39:02Oh my God,

00:39:03that's terrible.

00:39:05Can you believe that?

00:39:08What is wrong

00:39:09with people?

00:39:11I mean,

00:39:11I just don't get it.

00:39:14God.

00:39:18Aren't you guys

00:39:19watching Baby Reindeer?

00:39:21That is fucking amazing.

00:39:23No,

00:39:23you have to watch it.

00:39:24It is so good.

00:39:29That's why

00:39:30I fucking hate liberals.

00:39:33I do.

00:39:34I hate them.

00:39:36No,

00:39:37don't get excited.

00:39:37I fucking hate

00:39:38conservatives too

00:39:39because you're all

00:39:40a bunch of fucking racists.

00:39:42All right?

00:39:43Now,

00:39:43I know that's a blanket

00:39:44statement,

00:39:44but I'm just trying

00:39:45to speak your language.

00:39:51What I fucking hate

00:39:52about liberals

00:39:52is you don't do shit

00:39:54other than covering

00:39:55your own ass

00:39:56with your dumb ass

00:39:56fucking signs.

00:39:59I hate that shit

00:40:00with the fuck.

00:40:01Remember that?

00:40:01That was the worst.

00:40:02I was in Hollywood,

00:40:02you know,

00:40:03during the whole

00:40:03Black Lives Matter

00:40:04and the white people

00:40:05putting,

00:40:05like my people

00:40:06putting the fucking

00:40:06BLM signs in the window.

00:40:07It wasn't even

00:40:08about black people.

00:40:09It was about

00:40:09that they were doing it.

00:40:10They were like

00:40:11Instagramming it.

00:40:11Like,

00:40:12you know,

00:40:13I just couldn't

00:40:14remain silent.

00:40:15You know,

00:40:16I had to speak

00:40:17truth to power.

00:40:19You know,

00:40:21you would think

00:40:21they were in

00:40:21the Marines

00:40:22or something.

00:40:22It's like,

00:40:22you haven't even

00:40:23left your fucking

00:40:23apartment.

00:40:24Right?

00:40:26I had to do it.

00:40:28I took one piece

00:40:29of Xerox paper

00:40:31that I paid for,

00:40:33wrote BLM on it,

00:40:35and took two pieces

00:40:36of double-sided tape

00:40:38I usually use

00:40:38to hold my titties up,

00:40:40and I stuck it

00:40:41in the window.

00:40:42And I was like,

00:40:43there you go,

00:40:44black people.

00:40:46Enjoy your new freedom.

00:40:50What?

00:40:51It's just,

00:40:51I had to do it.

00:40:52It was how

00:40:53I was raised,

00:40:54you know?

00:40:54I come from

00:40:55a long line

00:40:56of progressive liberals.

00:40:58In fact,

00:40:58my great-great-great-grandmother

00:41:00was in Berlin,

00:41:01Germany in 1939,

00:41:03and she had a

00:41:03knock-it-off Nazi sign

00:41:05in the window.

00:41:06And let me tell you

00:41:07something,

00:41:08that was the end

00:41:09of those shenanigans.

00:41:11A lot of people

00:41:12thought it was

00:41:13the bravery

00:41:13of the Allied troops.

00:41:15No, it was not.

00:41:16It was my grandmother's

00:41:17persnickety sign.

00:41:25No, liberals,

00:41:26you've got to get over

00:41:27your fear of the gun.

00:41:28That's what's going

00:41:28to turn this country around.

00:41:31You've got to embrace

00:41:32guns.

00:41:33Okay?

00:41:34They're not going anywhere.

00:41:35You'd have a better chance

00:41:35of getting rid of cheeseburgers

00:41:37than you are

00:41:38of getting rid of guns.

00:41:39All right?

00:41:41I don't know if you've ever

00:41:42read the history

00:41:42of this country.

00:41:43It's not what they say

00:41:44it was.

00:41:44All right?

00:41:45This is gangs

00:41:46in New York.

00:41:47Okay?

00:41:50We came here.

00:41:51There was other people here.

00:41:52And then there weren't.

00:41:53Right?

00:41:54And then there was work

00:41:55to be done.

00:41:56We didn't want to do it.

00:41:57And then we brought

00:41:57other people in.

00:41:58And now the shit happened.

00:42:00And then they got let go.

00:42:00And now, you know,

00:42:02a lot of shit happened.

00:42:02Okay?

00:42:03So people are strapped

00:42:04because you don't know

00:42:07what's going to happen.

00:42:08But then liberals are like,

00:42:08I've got to stop the guns.

00:42:10I've got to make a sign.

00:42:11Stop the guns.

00:42:13Ha!

00:42:13Right?

00:42:15No.

00:42:16Embrace them.

00:42:17Level the playing field out.

00:42:19That's what's going to stop

00:42:20these hate groups,

00:42:20I think, anyways.

00:42:21Because they're not afraid

00:42:22because they're armed

00:42:23and you're not.

00:42:24So basically,

00:42:24what's going to turn

00:42:25this country around

00:42:26is the day

00:42:27a vegan beta male

00:42:31with a man bun

00:42:32does a drive-by

00:42:34in a Prius

00:42:34at a Klan rally

00:42:35and exposes them

00:42:36for the faggots

00:42:38they really are.

00:42:41Nothing's going to happen.

00:42:47I know I said faggots,

00:42:48but, you know,

00:42:48I was worried

00:42:49I was getting too preachy.

00:42:50You know what I mean?

00:42:51I don't want you to feel

00:42:52like I'm not dirty, too.

00:43:00You know what's funny?

00:43:01My wife got me

00:43:01to stop saying that word,

00:43:03right?

00:43:04Like the 2000s,

00:43:05she got me

00:43:06to stop saying the word.

00:43:07I swear to God

00:43:07this is a true story.

00:43:08I was driving back,

00:43:10I was in L.A.,

00:43:10and I had her on speakerphone,

00:43:12I had a good set

00:43:12and everything,

00:43:13so I was psyched

00:43:13and I was talking to her

00:43:14and making her laugh

00:43:15and shit.

00:43:15You know,

00:43:16and I'm driving,

00:43:16and this is the hilarious thing

00:43:18is I'm driving a Prius,

00:43:19right?

00:43:21And the Prius,

00:43:22the 2008,

00:43:23had like this two-inch

00:43:24like metal

00:43:25on either side

00:43:26that was like a blind spot.

00:43:27If you went to take a left

00:43:28and if there was somebody

00:43:29in the crosswalk

00:43:30and they fucking lined up

00:43:31with the thing,

00:43:32okay,

00:43:32you wouldn't see them

00:43:33and they'd get run over

00:43:34by this little doorstop

00:43:36of a car,

00:43:36right?

00:43:36So wouldn't you know it,

00:43:38that night,

00:43:38I'm whispering,

00:43:40going down the street

00:43:41in my Prius

00:43:42and I'm making my wife laugh

00:43:43and I go to make a left,

00:43:44Hollywood and La Brea,

00:43:45never forget it,

00:43:46and this guy was lined up

00:43:47and at the last second,

00:43:48I saw him,

00:43:49almost ran him over

00:43:49and I swerved out of the way

00:43:50and stomped on the brakes

00:43:51and the guy,

00:43:52of course,

00:43:52turned around and he goes,

00:43:53you fucking asshole,

00:43:54why don't you look

00:43:54when the fuck you're driving,

00:43:55Jesus Christ,

00:43:56fucking wake up,

00:43:57he's screaming at me

00:43:58and I put the window down

00:43:59and I was trying to explain,

00:43:59I'm saying,

00:44:00I'm sorry I didn't see you,

00:44:01there's like a two inch thing

00:44:02and you will line up,

00:44:02he goes,

00:44:03what the fuck,

00:44:03you almost ran out

00:44:04of my fucking foot

00:44:04and he's screaming at me

00:44:05and I'm trying to explain myself

00:44:06and he kept fucking yelling at me

00:44:08and he wouldn't listen

00:44:09and I finally just snapped,

00:44:10I was like,

00:44:10ah, with your tight pants,

00:44:11you fucking faggot,

00:44:12right?

00:44:15So my wife flips out,

00:44:17she's like,

00:44:18Bill,

00:44:18you cannot say that anymore,

00:44:20right?

00:44:20And what was funny

00:44:21was the guy actually laughed,

00:44:24right?

00:44:25I swear to God,

00:44:26like he threw his head back

00:44:27and he really like laughed

00:44:29and to this day,

00:44:30I don't know why,

00:44:31like,

00:44:31was he laughing

00:44:33because he was a little fat?

00:44:34Was his pants getting a little tight?

00:44:36Was it around the holidays?

00:44:37Or was it just funny

00:44:39to see a bald ginger

00:44:40in a Prius

00:44:41call him that word?

00:44:42I don't know what it was

00:44:44but he got a huge laugh

00:44:46out of it

00:44:48and that word

00:44:49actually ended the argument

00:44:52between the two of us,

00:44:53so,

00:44:54but my wife broke it down to me.

00:44:56She goes,

00:44:56you can't say that word,

00:44:57it's a really hurtful word

00:44:58and I was like,

00:44:58all right,

00:44:58well,

00:44:58I don't want to be an asshole

00:45:00so I,

00:45:00you know,

00:45:01it took a while

00:45:02but I stopped

00:45:03and,

00:45:04you know,

00:45:04but there's like,

00:45:05you know,

00:45:05they never gave you

00:45:06like a replacement word,

00:45:07like this,

00:45:08like this

00:45:09phantom limb syndrome here.

00:45:12It's like,

00:45:12what do you call somebody

00:45:14who cuts you off in traffic

00:45:15and then you pull up

00:45:17in a red light

00:45:17and they don't have

00:45:18the decency to look at you

00:45:19as you're fucking screaming

00:45:20at your window?

00:45:21What do you call them?

00:45:24It's the alliteration.

00:45:25Fucking,

00:45:26it just,

00:45:27oh,

00:45:27it just,

00:45:28it just gets it out of you.

00:45:35You know what's funny

00:45:36is I don't own a gun

00:45:37but I fucking love them.

00:45:39I do.

00:45:40Like,

00:45:40if I'm walking down the street

00:45:41and I see a gun store,

00:45:42I gotta go in

00:45:43and look at them.

00:45:44I do.

00:45:44But I'm not into

00:45:45like the semi-automatic weapon.

00:45:46That's for people

00:45:47that suck at shooting,

00:45:48you know what I mean?

00:45:48Like,

00:45:49how many fucking attempts

00:45:50there he is

00:45:52at the working?

00:45:55Those should be,

00:45:56you should get six shots,

00:45:57all right?

00:45:58You can't get the fucking job done.

00:46:00That's it.

00:46:00You're done,

00:46:01right?

00:46:03No,

00:46:04I like them.

00:46:04I like,

00:46:04I like the revolvers

00:46:05and all that old school shit

00:46:06I saw in the cop movies

00:46:07when I was growing up.

00:46:08I like all of those guns

00:46:09but guns also scare me

00:46:11because I feel like

00:46:12guns are kind of like guitars,

00:46:14you know?

00:46:15Like,

00:46:15almost every house has one

00:46:17but not really anybody's

00:46:18that good at it,

00:46:19you know?

00:46:21Just kind of over in the corner

00:46:22collecting dust,

00:46:24you know?

00:46:25And I get with guitar

00:46:26how you get better.

00:46:27You play two,

00:46:28three hours a day.

00:46:29I don't get,

00:46:30how do you get better

00:46:30at shooting?

00:46:32Like,

00:46:32how do you practice?

00:46:35Gun range.

00:46:36They always say

00:46:36that the gun range,

00:46:37that's not practicing.

00:46:39It's a total controlled environment.

00:46:41You go down there

00:46:41and you put on

00:46:42your little headset,

00:46:43got to protect my hearing.

00:46:45I wouldn't want my ears

00:46:46to go ringy ding ding

00:46:48and then you lay out

00:46:49all your bullets,

00:46:51little charcuterie board.

00:46:52I have my weapon

00:46:53pointed down

00:46:53the fucking thing

00:46:54and now it's time

00:46:55for the target.

00:46:59Then you sit there

00:47:01and you're like,

00:47:02a poo.

00:47:04A poo, poo.

00:47:06Poo.

00:47:07A poo.

00:47:09Oh,

00:47:09center mask.

00:47:10I'm going to hang

00:47:11that in my house

00:47:12so everybody sees

00:47:13what a badass I am.

00:47:14That's not practicing.

00:47:16You want to practice?

00:47:17Have somebody wake you up

00:47:19at three in the morning

00:47:20when you're wearing

00:47:20nothing but your

00:47:21pajama bottoms

00:47:22and they throw you

00:47:23in the garage.

00:47:24There's a baby,

00:47:24a rattlesnake

00:47:25and a fucking bear

00:47:26and your wife's

00:47:27flipping the lights

00:47:28bonding off going,

00:47:29do something,

00:47:29Johnny,

00:47:30do something,

00:47:31do something.

00:47:32That is practicing.

00:47:34Yeah.

00:47:36I feel like that's

00:47:37how it's going to go down.

00:47:39I don't know shit about it

00:47:40but I got a good feeling

00:47:41that the day somebody

00:47:42breaks into your house,

00:47:44gun owners,

00:47:45they're not going

00:47:45to come in like this.

00:47:50You know?

00:47:51They're not going

00:47:51to be like peeking

00:47:52around the corner

00:47:53and then just go,

00:47:54do, do, do.

00:48:00Anyway.

00:48:04Yeah.

00:48:05So I have learned

00:48:06a lot about myself

00:48:07over the last few years.

00:48:08You know what I mean?

00:48:09I had to quit drinking,

00:48:10you know?

00:48:10I never thought

00:48:11I'd have a problem

00:48:12with that shit,

00:48:12you know?

00:48:13Because when I grew up,

00:48:13right, you know,

00:48:14the shit was so different

00:48:16when we were growing up.

00:48:17Like, even like gay people.

00:48:19Like, the way it was thought

00:48:20was there was like

00:48:21three gay people

00:48:22in Massachusetts

00:48:23and the rest of them

00:48:24were in San Francisco,

00:48:26right?

00:48:32Everything was fucked up,

00:48:33right?

00:48:34Like addiction.

00:48:35It was either like

00:48:35either you have

00:48:36the addictive gene

00:48:36or you don't.

00:48:38And it's like,

00:48:38no.

00:48:38What I kind of learned

00:48:39is fucking everything

00:48:40is sort of a spectrum,

00:48:42right?

00:48:42Not just autism.

00:48:44You know?

00:48:47I'm sick of words

00:48:48getting hijacked.

00:48:50All right?

00:48:50When I was a kid,

00:48:51like, the spectrum

00:48:52was the color spectrum.

00:48:54Dr. J and the 76ers

00:48:56played in an arena

00:48:58called the spectrum,

00:48:59right?

00:48:59So the first time

00:49:00somebody said to me,

00:49:01hey, my kid's on the spectrum,

00:49:03I'm thinking,

00:49:04no, he isn't.

00:49:05They tore that shit down

00:49:06in 2010.

00:49:07I don't know

00:49:07what you're talking about.

00:49:08You need to elaborate.

00:49:10Just say he has autism

00:49:12so I can fucking catch up.

00:49:14All right?

00:49:14I don't speak the jargon here.

00:49:16So I think everything

00:49:18is like a spectrum, okay?

00:49:19Well, we'll start with

00:49:21my drinking, right?

00:49:21So when I was growing up,

00:49:22either you are a fucking Elkie

00:49:24or you aren't.

00:49:25And it isn't, okay?

00:49:27There's all of this.

00:49:28So we'll say this right here

00:49:29is full-on addiction.

00:49:30This is literally

00:49:31sucking dick

00:49:32behind a donut shop

00:49:3411.30 in the morning

00:49:36on a Tuesday

00:49:36for a fucking 12-pack.

00:49:38Not even a case.

00:49:39A 12-pack

00:49:40in jean shorts

00:49:41and a half shirt, right?

00:49:43And then this over here,

00:49:45this is like a teetotaler.

00:49:46Like, you know,

00:49:46I tried alcohol.

00:49:48I didn't like it.

00:49:48It just, you know,

00:49:49I've always been into books,

00:49:50you know?

00:49:51That's been my drugs,

00:49:52you know?

00:49:53I like a good book, right?

00:49:56And I'll tell you,

00:49:57when you see me

00:49:58reading that book,

00:49:59I am not,

00:49:59I am in that book

00:50:00and I am taking that journey,

00:50:01right?

00:50:03But there's all fucking this.

00:50:05Like, my drinking

00:50:06got like all the way,

00:50:07I realized I couldn't

00:50:08have it in the house.

00:50:09That's what it was.

00:50:10I just like consumed it

00:50:11and then I fucking,

00:50:11I got all the way

00:50:12to like right here,

00:50:13right?

00:50:14I mean,

00:50:14I wasn't sucking dick,

00:50:15but the donut shop

00:50:16was over the horizon.

00:50:18The donut shop

00:50:19was in view

00:50:20and I was like,

00:50:21what am I doing?

00:50:22You know what I mean?

00:50:23I like,

00:50:23I couldn't fucking stop

00:50:25but then,

00:50:26you know,

00:50:26so then I thought

00:50:26I was an alcoholic

00:50:27so I went to like

00:50:28an AA meeting,

00:50:29you know,

00:50:29and the people

00:50:30were telling their stories

00:50:31and after a couple

00:50:31people sharing,

00:50:32I was just going like,

00:50:33all right,

00:50:34you know,

00:50:35I drink,

00:50:35but these people,

00:50:36Jesus,

00:50:39Jesus Christ.

00:50:40I mean,

00:50:41they were animals,

00:50:42yellow fingers,

00:50:43still smoking,

00:50:45chowing down pastries

00:50:47and they're like,

00:50:47Bill,

00:50:47would you like to go up

00:50:48and share some of your stories?

00:50:50I was like,

00:50:50I can't fucking follow that.

00:50:53I had three tall bourbons

00:50:55and fell asleep

00:50:56to the Rockford Files.

00:50:57I don't think that,

00:50:58that's going to

00:50:58follow this guy,

00:50:59you know?

00:51:02Missing teeth

00:51:02and selling his ass

00:51:03in the street.

00:51:04I can't,

00:51:04I can't follow that,

00:51:06right?

00:51:08But there was

00:51:08something going on

00:51:09so I just realized,

00:51:10you know,

00:51:10like I can't have

00:51:11this shit in the house.

00:51:12It's in the house,

00:51:13I'm going to fucking consume it.

00:51:14Alcohol,

00:51:15even cookies.

00:51:15I tell my wife,

00:51:16get the cookies

00:51:17out of the fucking house,

00:51:18especially Oreos.

00:51:19I'm going to eat

00:51:20a whole fucking sleeve

00:51:21and she says,

00:51:22well,

00:51:22why can't you just eat one?

00:51:24It's like,

00:51:24do you even pay attention

00:51:25to who you're married to?

00:51:27I can't.

00:51:28I'll eat the whole fucking sleeve

00:51:29and then I won't even

00:51:30brush my teeth

00:51:31so I'll have that

00:51:32sugar morphine drip

00:51:33like coming down

00:51:34the back of my throat

00:51:35and all these crazy

00:51:36fucking Keebler elf

00:51:38dreams or whatever.

00:51:40Get it out

00:51:40of the fucking house.

00:51:41That's what I need to do,

00:51:43right?

00:51:43That's what I learned.

00:51:44Like,

00:51:44I have no desire

00:51:45to do heroin

00:51:46whatsoever.

00:51:47However,

00:51:47if it was in my house

00:51:48long enough

00:51:50and the right set

00:51:51of circumstances

00:51:52came along,

00:51:55maybe I talked to my dad

00:51:56that day on the phone,

00:51:57tried to get a fucking word in.

00:51:59Maybe they,

00:51:59you know what?

00:52:00Maybe I'll fucking...

00:52:02we'll see what this

00:52:03is all about,

00:52:04you know?

00:52:04I'll use one of those spoons

00:52:06that went down

00:52:06the garbage disposal.

00:52:07No one will give a shit.

00:52:08I'll light it up.

00:52:09I'll nod off

00:52:09in the living room,

00:52:11fall on the L-shaped couch,

00:52:13you know?

00:52:13So,

00:52:15whatever.

00:52:16I have learned that.

00:52:17I've learned a lot

00:52:17of things in life,

00:52:18you know?

00:52:19Like, here's one I learned.

00:52:20You know,

00:52:21there's a very small window

00:52:22in life to beat

00:52:23the shit out of your dad.

00:52:24You know?

00:52:30You think you got

00:52:31a lot more time

00:52:32than you do.

00:52:33You don't.

00:52:34It's sort of like

00:52:35ages 15 to about 17,

00:52:38you know?

00:52:39If you try to do it

00:52:40before 15,

00:52:41you're not man enough

00:52:42to get the job done

00:52:44and then you lose

00:52:45and then he just

00:52:45psychologically has

00:52:47the advantage.

00:52:47But if you do it

00:52:48after 17,

00:52:49now you're just

00:52:50beating up an old man,

00:52:51you know?

00:52:52You see his anchor tattoo,

00:52:53you're like,

00:52:54ah, fuck,

00:52:54he was in the Navy.

00:52:55Jesus Christ,

00:52:56I'm beating up a veteran.

00:52:57Ah, man,

00:52:58I feel like a piece

00:52:59of shit here,

00:53:00you know?

00:53:06All right,

00:53:07here's another one for you.

00:53:08I didn't think

00:53:08I was homophobic,

00:53:09right?

00:53:11I didn't.

00:53:16I'm not saying I'm not.

00:53:17I'm just saying

00:53:17I didn't think I was.

00:53:21No,

00:53:21because I didn't have

00:53:22a problem,

00:53:22like,

00:53:22I don't have a problem

00:53:23but I didn't have a problem

00:53:25with them getting married

00:53:26or any of that shit

00:53:27and I thought

00:53:27it was totally natural.

00:53:28I was just like,

00:53:29that's just like

00:53:30how you're born

00:53:30and when people

00:53:31would be like,

00:53:32oh, no,

00:53:32it's a choice.

00:53:33They're choosing to be gay.

00:53:34I love when somebody

00:53:35said that.

00:53:36Okay,

00:53:36let's say it's a choice.

00:53:37Then that would mean

00:53:38being straight

00:53:39is a choice,

00:53:40right?

00:53:41So,

00:53:41that would mean

00:53:42that you,

00:53:43at some point,

00:53:45hypothetically,

00:53:46had a dick

00:53:47and a pussy

00:53:48on the table

00:53:49and had a choice

00:53:50to make,

00:53:50right?

00:53:51You're sitting there,

00:53:51all right,

00:53:52which way am I gonna go?

00:53:55Well,

00:53:56let's see.

00:53:58This one hurts more

00:53:59but I get to keep my house.

00:54:01And then this one

00:54:03over here

00:54:05feels amazing

00:54:06but everything

00:54:06seems to disappear

00:54:08down into it.

00:54:09I mean,

00:54:09this is a coin flip.

00:54:10As far as I'm concerned,

00:54:12this is a coin flip.

00:54:13Straight edge,

00:54:14Geronimo,

00:54:14right?

00:54:16So,

00:54:17I realized,

00:54:17I found out

00:54:18I was homophobic

00:54:19when I fucked up my back

00:54:21and I went into

00:54:21this massage parlor

00:54:22to have somebody

00:54:23work on me

00:54:24and they said,

00:54:24this is your first time here?

00:54:25I said,

00:54:25yeah.

00:54:25They go,

00:54:26all right,

00:54:26do you prefer

00:54:27a male or a female masseuse?

00:54:29And I like recoiled

00:54:30like,

00:54:30bleh,

00:54:31like,

00:54:31ugh.

00:54:35Like,

00:54:35I want a woman.

00:54:36What the fuck

00:54:37are you asking me?

00:54:38I don't want some

00:54:38man,

00:54:39I didn't even picture

00:54:40a man.

00:54:41I just saw

00:54:41a male arm

00:54:42from here down to here

00:54:43with black hair

00:54:45with like grease on it

00:54:47just coming up my back

00:54:48going,

00:54:49okay,

00:54:49just breathe,

00:54:50just breathe.

00:54:51I'm like,

00:54:51ah!

00:54:52It feels better,

00:54:53you fixed it!

00:54:54Get me the fuck

00:54:55out of here!

00:54:57Yeah,

00:54:58so like,

00:54:58I like just the image

00:54:59of that.

00:54:59I like fucking recoiled

00:55:01and I was like,

00:55:02I was almost like defensive.

00:55:03I was like,

00:55:03no,

00:55:04I want a woman,

00:55:04right?

00:55:05And then,

00:55:05you know,

00:55:05the way I look,

00:55:06I probably in my age,

00:55:07I look like some creep

00:55:08that was looking

00:55:08for a fucking happy ending.

00:55:10You know,

00:55:10you can't be in there like,

00:55:11no matter how I said it,

00:55:12it came off like,

00:55:13yeah,

00:55:13I want a woman,

00:55:14I want a,

00:55:15I want a,

00:55:16I want a fucking gay,

00:55:16I come in,

00:55:18you know?

00:55:21Yeah,

00:55:22thinking I'm looking

00:55:22for a happy ending,

00:55:23you know,

00:55:23which I wasn't,

00:55:24but you know,

00:55:25I will say,

00:55:25I do have issue

00:55:26with them calling it

00:55:27a full body massage.

00:55:30It's like,

00:55:30it's not a full body massage,

00:55:31it's everything but,

00:55:33you know what I mean?

00:55:34And then it's weird,

00:55:35then you walk out of there,

00:55:36your whole body's relaxing,

00:55:37you're just dragging your nuts

00:55:38down the fucking street,

00:55:39and that doesn't feel,

00:55:41it feels weird.

00:55:45And I know what you guys

00:55:45are thinking,

00:55:46you probably think,

00:55:46oh Bill,

00:55:47why don't you just rub one out

00:55:48before you go to the masseuse?

00:55:50It's like,

00:55:50because I won't make

00:55:50the appointment,

00:55:51all right?

00:55:52I'm going to fall asleep

00:55:53upright in the chair,

00:55:54and then my neck's going

00:55:54to be fucked up,

00:55:55and my back,

00:55:56now I got two problems.

00:55:59It would be great

00:56:00if they legalized it though,

00:56:01you know what I mean?

00:56:02It'd be fantastic.

00:56:03You just have like

00:56:03a regular masseuse in there,

00:56:05you know?

00:56:06You've got to have

00:56:06the real masseuse

00:56:07at the beginning,

00:56:08right?

00:56:08Because whores don't give

00:56:09a good back rub,

00:56:10you know?

00:56:12A real masseuse

00:56:13gives an incredible back rub,

00:56:14but a terrible hand job,

00:56:15like most women.

00:56:16Terrible hand job.

00:56:19Most women,

00:56:20terrible fucking hand job.

00:56:21Not even trying

00:56:21to get better at it either,

00:56:22by the way.

00:56:23Like the skill set.

00:56:25Like, you ever get this one,

00:56:25the three fingertips?

00:56:27You ever just get this?

00:56:29It's like,

00:56:29what are we doing here?

00:56:30Are we waiting

00:56:30for the next lunar eclipse?

00:56:32Is there,

00:56:32what are we?

00:56:35I never thought

00:56:36I'd say this,

00:56:36this is just fucking annoying.

00:56:38You're just like annoying,

00:56:38why don't you just flick

00:56:39the head of my fucking dick

00:56:40while you're at it?

00:56:41What are you doing?

00:56:42All right?

00:56:42You're supposed to be

00:56:42simulating penetration.

00:56:44All right?

00:56:45More pressure going down,

00:56:47less pressure going up.

00:56:48Add a twist.

00:56:49Add a twist,

00:56:50it'll be over in 18 seconds.

00:56:51No guy has ever had a woman

00:56:53helicoptering up and down

00:56:54his fucking dick.

00:56:55It's going to be over

00:56:55immediately, right?

00:56:58That would be fantastic.

00:57:01I would run a massage parlor

00:57:02like that,

00:57:03like a baseball manager.

00:57:04I'd have the real masseuse

00:57:05go in,

00:57:05eat up about eight innings,

00:57:06and then I'd take the lube.

00:57:07All right, you're done.

00:57:08You did a great job.

00:57:09Then you're bringing

00:57:09the lefty.

00:57:10All right, let's get in here,

00:57:11right?

00:57:12And she comes in.

00:57:15Gives you a hand job

00:57:16better than 90%

00:57:17of the blow jobs

00:57:18you ever got in your life.

00:57:19Then you walk out of there,

00:57:20your body's loose,

00:57:21your balls are empty,

00:57:22you can hear

00:57:22your wife's voice again,

00:57:24and everything's good.

00:57:27You're more agreeable.

00:57:29Fantastic.

00:57:33I don't know.

00:57:34What are you going to do?

00:57:35So anyway,

00:57:35you know,

00:57:36there's a big thing out there.

00:57:37I want to let you guys

00:57:38know this shit

00:57:38where it's just like,

00:57:39you know,

00:57:39they try to make you feel,

00:57:40all these fucking apps,

00:57:41they make you feel bad

00:57:42about aging,

00:57:43and all of these people

00:57:44are getting like

00:57:44plastic surgery now.

00:57:46I'm telling you,

00:57:46you don't need to do it,

00:57:47okay?

00:57:48You're going to fucking die.

00:57:50All right?

00:57:55That's Generation X,

00:57:56my generation,

00:57:57they're 50s,

00:57:58taking testosterone shit,

00:57:59posting before and after pictures

00:58:00on the internet,

00:58:01it's hilarious.

00:58:02Shirtless,

00:58:03like trying to attract women.

00:58:06And it's funny,

00:58:07they look good,

00:58:07they look like Rambo here,

00:58:08but in the neck,

00:58:09you see the divorce,

00:58:10the bad relationship

00:58:11with the kids,

00:58:12the dreams

00:58:13that didn't work out,

00:58:14the fucking HOA

00:58:15that made you tear down

00:58:16that porch

00:58:17that you didn't have

00:58:17the fucking permit for

00:58:21or whatever the fuck

00:58:21it was that you did,

00:58:22you know?

00:58:24Do you realize

00:58:25how much you don't get life

00:58:27if you're still trying

00:58:28to bang broads

00:58:28in your 50s?

00:58:31Dude,

00:58:31at my age,

00:58:32like eight hours sleep

00:58:34is the new pussy.

00:58:35That's it.

00:58:38Yeah.

00:58:39Eight hours uninterrupted.

00:58:41There's nothing better

00:58:42than that,

00:58:42meaning I wake up

00:58:43when I want to wake up,

00:58:45you know what I mean?

00:58:46I don't have somebody

00:58:46in my ear like,

00:58:47okay,

00:58:47the kids have practice today,

00:58:48you need to go downstairs

00:58:49making some breakfast,

00:58:50I gotta get the car washes.

00:58:53Just waking up

00:58:55when I want to wake up,

00:58:57it's just,

00:58:58it's fucking amazing.

00:58:59So,

00:58:59I don't know,

00:59:00I might be weird,

00:59:01but I think the job

00:59:01of an older person

00:59:02is you're supposed

00:59:03to help out younger people.

00:59:05You're not supposed

00:59:05to try and fuck them,

00:59:07right?

00:59:12Slow applause,

00:59:13you know,

00:59:13I mean,

00:59:15the legal age

00:59:16is deep and deep,

00:59:17I do.

00:59:23I'm that old guy

00:59:24that acts like

00:59:24he figured everything out,

00:59:25you know?

00:59:26I'm that old guy

00:59:26that acts like

00:59:27he figured everything out,

00:59:28you know?

00:59:28So I always give

00:59:28young people advice.

00:59:30Okay,

00:59:30I always tell women,

00:59:31right?

00:59:31I'll be like,

00:59:32you know,

00:59:32okay,

00:59:32here's one for you.

00:59:33If you're on a date

00:59:34with a guy

00:59:34at any point

00:59:35during the evening,

00:59:35if he cracks his own neck,

00:59:36just get out

00:59:37of the relationship

00:59:38right then and then.

00:59:40All right?

00:59:41He's a fucking meathead

00:59:42and he's going to put

00:59:43meathead babies in you

00:59:44and they're going to

00:59:45drive tow trucks

00:59:46and they're never

00:59:46going to own the company.

00:59:47Okay?

00:59:48That's what it is.

00:59:50All right?

00:59:53Look for the red flags.

00:59:55Okay?

00:59:56Little guy,

00:59:57big watch.

00:59:58Major red flag.

01:00:00Nothing wrong

01:00:01with the little guy,

01:00:02but that little guy

01:00:03with that fucking,

01:00:04maybe he has a rap album,

01:00:05fucking giant watch

01:00:06walking around

01:00:07making all this noise.

01:00:10For some reason,

01:00:11you find him adorable

01:00:12so you agree

01:00:13to go out with him

01:00:14and then he pulls up

01:00:15to the date

01:00:15and that giant truck

01:00:16and that magic step

01:00:17appears so he doesn't

01:00:18fall to his death.

01:00:20And the next thing you know,

01:00:21you're in a fucking

01:00:22relationship with him

01:00:23and one day

01:00:24you have a huge fight

01:00:25with him

01:00:25and he storms out

01:00:26and you watch him

01:00:27waddle down the front yard

01:00:29and then you're upstairs

01:00:30crying as you're

01:00:31folding his little pants

01:00:33and then it finally

01:00:34dawns on you.

01:00:35I could have

01:00:36the exact same problems

01:00:37with the full-sized man.

01:00:39For three years,

01:00:41I didn't feel safe

01:00:42when he held me.

01:00:44It's like I found

01:00:45a hairy eight-year-old

01:00:47at the mall, right?

01:00:52Ladies,

01:00:53if you have a girlfriend

01:00:54and she has like

01:00:54a sweatshirt

01:00:55that says namaste on it,

01:00:57she's a cunt.

01:00:58Like,

01:00:59how do you not see that?

01:01:01How?

01:01:02Why would you think

01:01:03that she's spiritual?

01:01:05I just don't...

01:01:05You shouldn't have

01:01:07to advertise

01:01:07that you're spiritual.

01:01:09You should sense it.

01:01:10Namaste.

01:01:11This is how

01:01:12I choose

01:01:13to live my life,

01:01:14you know?

01:01:15She's one of those people,

01:01:16you know,

01:01:16who goes on Instagram

01:01:17and goes out into nature

01:01:18with a bathing suit

01:01:19up her ass

01:01:20and does like

01:01:21the fucking hard hands

01:01:22with like advice.

01:01:24Guys,

01:01:24don't forget

01:01:25to take time

01:01:27for yourself

01:01:28when you're

01:01:28fucking gathering

01:01:29your knowledge

01:01:31and your journey,

01:01:32you know?

01:01:34If I was a dictator,

01:01:35that's one of the first

01:01:35groups of people

01:01:36that I would eliminate.

01:01:37Anybody that fucking

01:01:38did that.

01:01:39And then right after that

01:01:41would be anybody

01:01:42who tried to do

01:01:43the hard hands

01:01:44but were too stupid

01:01:45so it looked like

01:01:45a grilled cheese sandwich.

01:01:47You ever see?

01:01:48Okay, Tabitha,

01:01:49see you later.

01:01:50Right?

01:01:50It's just like...

01:01:55All right,

01:01:56so I gave women

01:01:56some advice.

01:01:57All right?

01:01:59Here's some for the guys.

01:02:01Guys,

01:02:02if you're dating a woman

01:02:02who's always cold,

01:02:05all right?

01:02:05And I don't mean here

01:02:06the vitals.

01:02:07I mean the feet,

01:02:07the hands,

01:02:08the fingers,

01:02:08the extremities.

01:02:09Almost as if her heart

01:02:11isn't strong enough

01:02:12to fucking

01:02:13pump the blood out.

01:02:15You know those women?

01:02:16No matter what month

01:02:17of the year,

01:02:17they're fucking cold.

01:02:18Every sleeve they have

01:02:20fucking hangs down

01:02:21to here.

01:02:22You just see like

01:02:22two fingernails

01:02:23hanging out.

01:02:25Any drink you give them,

01:02:26they gotta hold it

01:02:27like a toddler.

01:02:31They get in bed,

01:02:33they put that

01:02:33cadaver foot on you,

01:02:34you're like...

01:02:37Yeah.

01:02:39You can't breed with that.

01:02:42All right?

01:02:43You're gonna have

01:02:43sickly little children

01:02:44with allergies.

01:02:47Kleenex in every room.

01:02:48They're gonna come out

01:02:49of the womb

01:02:50with the cold.

01:02:50Yeah.

01:02:53A few years later,

01:02:54they all got glasses.

01:02:56I can't go to school

01:02:57today.

01:02:57The pollen.

01:02:59Can I watch my iPad?

01:03:02And you're sitting there

01:03:03going,

01:03:03what the fuck happened?

01:03:04I played sports.

01:03:05What are these things?

01:03:08What happened?

01:03:09You dumped one

01:03:10in Debbie Blue Toes.

01:03:11That's what the fuck you did?

01:03:14Jesus Christ,

01:03:15use your head.

01:03:16You think she's gonna

01:03:17make a strong baby?

01:03:19She's not.

01:03:20All those flamingo-legged chicks,

01:03:22you know?

01:03:24Influencers.

01:03:25We used to call them whores.

01:03:26Now they're like...

01:03:26Now they're leading...

01:03:28They're leading the herd,

01:03:29evidently, right?

01:03:32Yeah.

01:03:32Back in the day...

01:03:34Back in the day,

01:03:35women like that

01:03:35did not survive the winter.

01:03:37All right?

01:03:38They froze to death

01:03:39under a buffalo blanket

01:03:40or some shit.

01:03:42That's not what you wanted.

01:03:44Back in the day,

01:03:44you ever see paintings

01:03:45of hot chicks back in the day?

01:03:46They're like fucking fullbacks.

01:03:48That's what you wanted.

01:03:49Something that could

01:03:50take some punishment,

01:03:51you know?

01:03:52Take a couple of pieces

01:03:53of plywood off the dome

01:03:54during a tornado.

01:03:56Something with a big ass

01:03:57your kids could hide behind

01:03:58as she fought off a bear

01:04:00and you were running

01:04:01in from the field.

01:04:02I'm coming for you,

01:04:03Clementine!

01:04:04Right?

01:04:09Yeah, these fucking

01:04:10skinny chicks,

01:04:11I'm telling you,

01:04:12they used to die

01:04:12right and fucking left.

01:04:15But over the last

01:04:16hundred years,

01:04:17you had all these

01:04:17fucking inventions.

01:04:19Centralized heat,

01:04:20right?

01:04:20The C-section,

01:04:21it just keeps them alive.

01:04:27They make all these

01:04:28sickly, whiny kids,

01:04:30you know?

01:04:30Next thing you know,

01:04:31everybody's wearing helmets.

01:04:32This is what it is.

01:04:36No.

01:04:39No, this is one of these

01:04:40nights.

01:04:40I don't feel like leaving.

01:04:41I only got one more.

01:04:42I only got one more.

01:04:43You guys are an amazing

01:04:43crowd.

01:04:44So, let's end on this

01:04:46one right here.

01:04:46So, my lovely wife has

01:04:49given me two beautiful

01:04:50children and a few months

01:04:52back, I was giving my son

01:04:54a bath.

01:04:54He was three at the time,

01:04:55right?

01:04:56So, I'm giving him a bath,

01:04:57right?

01:04:57I wash him and everything.

01:04:58I rinse him off and then

01:04:59I stand him up.

01:05:00I go, all right, buddy,

01:05:00it's your turn.

01:05:01I hand him the washcloth

01:05:02and I'm like, all right,

01:05:03buddy, it's your turn.

01:05:04You got to wash your pee-pee,

01:05:05right?

01:05:06Because I don't touch that

01:05:07part of him because I got

01:05:08touched as a kid and he's

01:05:09not going to become a

01:05:10comedian, right?

01:05:11Basically.

01:05:16So, it ends with me,

01:05:18right?

01:05:18So, I go, all right, buddy,

01:05:21it's your turn.

01:05:22It's the washcloth.

01:05:23Wash your pee-pee.

01:05:24Three years old.

01:05:24He looks right back at me.

01:05:26He goes, and my balls.

01:05:33Dude, my heart almost stopped.

01:05:36I was like, who taught you

01:05:37that word?

01:05:38You're not in school yet.

01:05:39How do you know that word?

01:05:40I knew it was me.

01:05:41I knew it was me.

01:05:42I was just trying to think.

01:05:43I'm going, who taught you

01:05:44that word?

01:05:45And please don't say that to

01:05:46mom because she's going to

01:05:47kill me.

01:05:48And I was thinking, how,

01:05:48when the fuck did I say that

01:05:50to him that he knew to say

01:05:51that?

01:05:52And I realized we were

01:05:52potty training him and I

01:05:54didn't realize I was saying

01:05:55that word because, you

01:05:56know, he'd be like,

01:05:56dad, I got to go pee-pee.

01:05:57I got to go pee-pee.

01:05:58So, I would set him down

01:05:58on the toilet and he would

01:06:00go.

01:06:00I'd be like, oh, who's a

01:06:01big boy?

01:06:01You know, hand him the

01:06:02toilet paper.

01:06:02I'd be like, all right,

01:06:03let's go wipe your pee-pee,

01:06:04right?

01:06:04And for whatever reason,

01:06:06he was like reaching way

01:06:07down under.

01:06:08He was going way down

01:06:10under like that.

01:06:11So, I was going like,

01:06:12no, dude, no, higher.

01:06:14You got to go.

01:06:15Dude, you're wiping your

01:06:16balls.

01:06:16Those are your balls, man.

01:06:17You got to wipe where the

01:06:18pee comes out.

01:06:19Higher, higher, higher.

01:06:20Dude, you're still wiping

01:06:21your balls.

01:06:22Higher.

01:06:22There you go.

01:06:23There you go, right?

01:06:23And I did say balls because,

01:06:26you know, that's what they're

01:06:27called, you know?

01:06:29There's a million cute words

01:06:30for your dick, right?

01:06:31Your ding-a-ling, your ding-dong,

01:06:33your wing-wang, whatever the

01:06:34fuck you call it.

01:06:35But your balls, they're just

01:06:36your balls, right?

01:06:37So, that's what I said.

01:06:39And this little man, he put it

01:06:41in the bank and just waited

01:06:44like two months for the perfect

01:06:46moment.

01:06:47Here you go, buddy.

01:06:48Wash your pee-pee.

01:06:49And he just stared.

01:06:50They are my balls.

01:06:53Yeah, and I got to be honest

01:06:55with you.

01:06:55I have never been so proud of

01:06:57him in my life.

01:06:58To be a father and hear your

01:07:01three-year-old son go, my balls?

01:07:02You're like, that's right.

01:07:03You got fucking balls, buddy.

01:07:05You got balls.

01:07:05You don't break them for

01:07:06nobody.

01:07:07Come on.

01:07:07Punch me in the shoulder.

01:07:08Punch me in the shoulder.

01:07:09Go Pats.

01:07:10Go Pats.

01:07:11All right, you guys were

01:07:12awesome.

01:07:12Thank you so much for coming

01:07:13out.

01:07:14I had a great time with you.

01:07:18I will see you next time I

01:07:20come through.

01:07:22Thank you, thank you, thank

01:07:24you.

Bill Burr - Drop Dead Years [25]

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