Robin Williams - Weapons of Self Destruction [09] - video Dailymotion

Fyah TV Comedy

The master comedian performs in Washington DC and gives his wry observations about life, politics and his health. #comedy #standupcomedy #standup #jokes #funny #robinwilliams #robinwilliamscomedy #robinwilliamsstandup

Transcript

00:00:10Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Robin Williams.

00:00:36Thank you! Thank you! What's up, D.C.? Yes, indeed! Yes, indeed! Wow, thank you.

00:00:55Thank you. Please, I've had heart surgery. Thank you.

00:01:00Nice to be in Washington where the buck stops here. Way to go.

00:01:05And then it's handed out to AIG and many other people.

00:01:08Now, I have the new Timothy Geithner $20 bill. It's just been printed. Kind of neat.

00:01:13Instead of In God We Trust, it just says, Trust Me.

00:01:18And it says, Spend Before Tuesday.

00:01:21And also, instead of Andrew Jackson, it has the little man from Monopoly going.

00:01:28And I know many of you have been looking for Sarah Palin's book. It is a bitch to find. Good

00:01:32luck.

00:01:34I found it somewhere between fiction and non-fiction in the fantasy aisle.

00:01:45You get the feeling with Sarah Palin in high school? She was voted least likely to write a book and

00:01:51most likely to burn one. Do you think that might have been...

00:01:55She's pretty wild, baby? I love her.

00:01:58And also, Oprah. Oprah has retired. Is going to retire her show.

00:02:02Please say it isn't so. Oprah's going to retire her show.

00:02:05I hope she's not bummed out about losing the Olympics. I hope that's not it.

00:02:09It wasn't really fair. Chicago sent Oprah and Michelle. Brazil sent 50 strippers and a pound of blow.

00:02:16She's like, what?

00:02:21You think the Olympic Committee was going,

00:02:24Oprah? Shave pussy.

00:02:29Oprah, would you...

00:02:30Okay, we're going to have to go this way.

00:02:34And who the fuck thinks that Rio is safer than Chicago?

00:02:37My God.

00:02:39They're going to have to make kidnapping and waxing Olympic events.

00:02:44Degree of difficulty? 5.3.

00:02:49But it is interesting.

00:02:50They have the Winter Olympics in Vancouver

00:02:52and the torch is heading across Canada right now

00:02:54and already in B.C. they're lighting torches going,

00:02:56We're waiting!

00:02:59Come on, you folks. This came from Capitol Hill.

00:03:01Come on down. Where do you go?

00:03:03How are you, my friends? Grab some seats.

00:03:05You were caught in...

00:03:07What?

00:03:10That's your old boss.

00:03:12Did you fuck him?

00:03:17Sorry.

00:03:18Okay.

00:03:21Not an inappropriate question to ask in Washington.

00:03:26No.

00:03:26And he's going,

00:03:27No, no!

00:03:29She was just a page.

00:03:30It's okay.

00:03:33And it's weird.

00:03:34In California this summer,

00:03:35all the state parks caught on fire,

00:03:38which was said,

00:03:39because these parks are full of weed.

00:03:41It's bad news.

00:03:43It's like,

00:03:44even the guys fighting the fires are like,

00:03:47Ha, ha, ha, ha!

00:03:49Oh, my God!

00:03:51Make another rainbow, Tommy!

00:03:53Oh, my God!

00:03:56Oh, my God!

00:03:56It's weird!

00:03:58It's weird!

00:03:59Even Smokey the Bear is going,

00:04:01Only you can...

00:04:05Shit, I knew this.

00:04:11And California weed is kick-ass fucking weed.

00:04:15This is weed that even Jamaicans go,

00:04:16Oh, don't smoke that weed, man.

00:04:19It's California catatonic.

00:04:21It's the type of weed you hit it and it's like,

00:04:23Fuck!

00:04:25Shit!

00:04:27I'm not doing something.

00:04:30What is it?

00:04:32Oh, right, breathe!

00:04:36And you get so stoned,

00:04:37you end up sitting on your couch for a week

00:04:39to the point where your cat's going,

00:04:40Get up, you asshole!

00:04:43I've been eating my own shit for the last two days!

00:04:46I know mellow, but this is fucking ridiculous!

00:04:50And if they legalize it,

00:04:52they're going to have to regulate it

00:04:53and they're going to have to put a warning

00:04:54on a box of joints.

00:04:55It's going to have to say,

00:04:56Surgeon General has determined

00:04:59this will make your music awesome.

00:05:03Even Yanni.

00:05:06And if you thought you enjoyed cartoons before,

00:05:12And if they're going to have ads,

00:05:13they're going to have ads

00:05:14and it'll be like,

00:05:14instead of the Marlboro man,

00:05:16it'll be the Mendocino man.

00:05:17It'll be a cowboy in the back of a horse going,

00:05:19Shit, am I thirsty.

00:05:20Goddamn.

00:05:22Even the horse will be going,

00:05:23I don't know where the fuck I am.

00:05:27Goddamn, I got a little cotton mouth here.

00:05:29Goddamn it.

00:05:31And the weird fucking thing

00:05:32with these weather systems,

00:05:33the storms right now

00:05:35have been fucking insane.

00:05:36Kick-ass tornadoes in the Midwest.

00:05:38It used to be in the Midwest

00:05:39when you had a tornado.

00:05:41Everybody get the root cellar.

00:05:42Not anymore.

00:05:42It's you fuckers are like,

00:05:43Get a video camera.

00:05:44Get outside.

00:05:46Film it, Bobby.

00:05:46How's the tornado?

00:05:47It just blew my pants off.

00:05:48Keep shooting.

00:05:49Fucking hell.

00:05:51You know, the difference

00:05:52between a tornado

00:05:52and divorce in the South,

00:05:54nothing.

00:05:54Someone's losing the trailer.

00:05:55Number one.

00:05:57It's like,

00:05:59Goddamn.

00:06:00Goddamn.

00:06:03The hurricanes have been getting

00:06:04bigger and fucking bigger

00:06:05and they usually give them names

00:06:07that don't really inspire fear.

00:06:09Like, Hurricane Terrence

00:06:10does not inspire fear.

00:06:12This sounds like a slightly

00:06:14gay hurricane.

00:06:16Where are you going?

00:06:17I might go to Boca.

00:06:18I might go to South Beach.

00:06:19I don't know.

00:06:21Now, all I know is

00:06:23blowing is involved.

00:06:25Yes.

00:06:29And, they should name

00:06:30the hurricanes after

00:06:31the people it's going

00:06:32to be fucking with.

00:06:32If it's going to Texas,

00:06:33Hurricane Billy Ray.

00:06:34Come on now.

00:06:35What are you going to do?

00:06:36Fuck shit up.

00:06:37That's what goes on.

00:06:39If it's off the coast of Miami,

00:06:40Hurricane Bernie.

00:06:41Hello?

00:06:43He took our 401k.

00:06:44The Garniff's coming back

00:06:45for the house.

00:06:45Move out.

00:06:46Let's fucking go.

00:06:48And, when they named

00:06:49a hurricane, Hurricane Ike,

00:06:51and when finally,

00:06:52they have the balls

00:06:53to name a hurricane

00:06:53after a crack-smoking

00:06:54wife-beaten motherfucker.

00:06:55Yeah!

00:06:57Even Tina Turner would go,

00:06:59you better get your shit

00:07:00and get out of the house.

00:07:02Because Ike never does

00:07:03anything nice and easy.

00:07:04Never.

00:07:06And the hurricanes

00:07:07have been getting so big

00:07:08that even the guy

00:07:08on the Weather Channel

00:07:09is freaked out.

00:07:10He's going,

00:07:10okay, let's go to

00:07:11our new hurricane weather map.

00:07:13Fuck!

00:07:15This is Hurricane Siobhan.

00:07:18The map is the entire south.

00:07:21The asshole in the middle

00:07:22is Dallas.

00:07:27Um, crazy.

00:07:32Back to you, Ted.

00:07:33I just shit myself.

00:07:36And they always go down

00:07:37to some poor fuckers

00:07:38on the coast

00:07:38in the middle of the storm

00:07:39going,

00:07:39Carl, how's it down there

00:07:41on the coast?

00:07:41Not bad!

00:07:43Seems to be kicking up!

00:07:46And then there's always

00:07:47the aftermath

00:07:48where they interview

00:07:48some family standing

00:07:50in the wreckage

00:07:50of their beach house

00:07:51and they're always going

00:07:51like, hurricane came

00:07:53and tore everything up.

00:07:55And we had just rebuilt.

00:07:58Time out.

00:08:01How often do you rebuild?

00:08:02Every year?

00:08:05Why do you rebuild here?

00:08:06We love the view.

00:08:08Well, you may want

00:08:09to get some styrofoam furniture

00:08:10that goes up and fucking down.

00:08:14Some things that you can

00:08:15hose off, maybe.

00:08:17But,

00:08:19the weird thing is,

00:08:20I can't give them shit.

00:08:21I live in California.

00:08:22I live on God's Etch-A-Sketch.

00:08:24It's crazy.

00:08:26We have earthquakes

00:08:27every other day

00:08:28and you get kind of blase

00:08:29like, oh, fuck!

00:08:312.5.

00:08:32Not bad.

00:08:35Oh, shit!

00:08:375.8.

00:08:38Maybe we should have

00:08:38drinks outside.

00:08:39Let's go.

00:08:42And they always talk

00:08:43about the big one.

00:08:44I was in a 7.5 earthquake.

00:08:46That was a fuck me moment.

00:08:48That was like, ah!

00:08:49And they went,

00:08:49that was not the big one.

00:08:51Really?

00:08:52Well, what will the big one be?

00:08:53Well, in the big one,

00:08:54if there is the big earthquake,

00:08:56Nevada will be wine country,

00:08:57number one.

00:08:59And when will the big one be?

00:09:01Well, we have a window of opportunity.

00:09:02Well, what will that be?

00:09:03Could be tomorrow.

00:09:05Or 10,000 years from now.

00:09:08Well, thanks for the fucking heads up.

00:09:11The only warning you have

00:09:12is if your cat

00:09:13is spread-eagled in the doorway,

00:09:14like,

00:09:16get the fuck out.

00:09:18And if your parrot starts going,

00:09:20pack the car!

00:09:21Pack the car!

00:09:23Food and water!

00:09:24Food and water!

00:09:26Also, if you have a parrot,

00:09:28do not leave them in the bedroom.

00:09:29They hear everything.

00:09:31All of a sudden,

00:09:31you'll have guests over for dinner

00:09:32and the parrot will go,

00:09:33Not the ass!

00:09:34Whoa!

00:09:36Petey!

00:09:39He's been watching porn again.

00:09:42Fuck me, Teddy!

00:09:43Fuck me hard!

00:09:46Honey, who's Teddy?

00:09:52And the weird thing is,

00:09:56you try and do your part

00:09:57to reduce your carbon footprint.

00:09:58And if you have a hybrid,

00:09:59God bless you,

00:10:00sweet cars,

00:10:01but especially if you drive them

00:10:02outside a major city,

00:10:03you get into little cities,

00:10:04especially in the south,

00:10:05it becomes kind of interesting.

00:10:06You pull into a small gas station,

00:10:07you're just like,

00:10:08The fuck is that?

00:10:11Bobby, get over here!

00:10:12It's one of them new in-brids!

00:10:13Look at this motherfucker!

00:10:15Shit, looks like a Volkswagen

00:10:17fucked a golf cart!

00:10:18God damn!

00:10:20I did not hear you come in!

00:10:24You may want to put some cards

00:10:25in the spokes of your wheels

00:10:27so you make some fucking noise!

00:10:30That's why there's not going to be

00:10:31any NASCAR hybrid race.

00:10:33A NASCAR hybrid race would be like,

00:10:34Here they come!

00:10:35Shhh!

00:10:38And I love the guys who say,

00:10:39I watch NASCAR for the racing.

00:10:41Yeah, and I watch porn for the acting.

00:10:43You liar!

00:10:45You watch NASCAR to see Team Viagra

00:10:47spin out in flames

00:10:48and a guy get out with his pubes on fire

00:10:49going, I'm okay!

00:10:51And there was a guy in the south

00:10:53who said,

00:10:53They should have NASCAR in the Olympics.

00:10:55And it's like, mm-hmm.

00:10:56At that moment,

00:10:57even Darwin was going,

00:10:58Come with me.

00:11:01This is the ascent of man.

00:11:03You stand here.

00:11:06But it's weird, too.

00:11:07You recycle.

00:11:08God bless you.

00:11:08You recycle.

00:11:09Good for you.

00:11:10Congratulations.

00:11:10But if you recycle,

00:11:11there's one group

00:11:12who is really pissed off.

00:11:13That group are the raccoons.

00:11:15They are going through your recycling like,

00:11:18What the fuck is this shit?

00:11:21Where are the hefty bags?

00:11:22The pinata of life

00:11:23that used to feed

00:11:24an entire fucking family.

00:11:26This is glass and plastic.

00:11:27I can't digest this shit,

00:11:29you green asshole.

00:11:31I'm spreading this shit

00:11:32all over your lawn.

00:11:34I'm taking a dump

00:11:35in your pool, too.

00:11:37I don't know why

00:11:38I made the raccoons Irish,

00:11:39but it works.

00:11:40Nah.

00:11:48And they're ballsy

00:11:49little motherfuckers, too.

00:11:50You turn on the light,

00:11:50they look at you like,

00:11:51What the fuck are you going to do?

00:11:53I got a skunk as backup.

00:11:55Don't make me call him.

00:11:57And they've got

00:11:57those little jazz paws.

00:11:58Jazz paws.

00:12:01They can open doors,

00:12:02cabinets.

00:12:02I'm amazed you don't come home

00:12:03and find them on the computer

00:12:04going,

00:12:04I'm ordering shit.

00:12:05How you doing?

00:12:07The dog knows I'm here.

00:12:08I locked him in the fucking closet.

00:12:09He's an idiot.

00:12:09Too late.

00:12:12And the deer in California

00:12:13have total amnesty

00:12:14because they know

00:12:15no one's going to cap their ass

00:12:16and strap them to the front

00:12:16of a Range Rover

00:12:17and go downtown for a mocha.

00:12:18They walk,

00:12:19they walk through your yard

00:12:20like supermodels with hooves.

00:12:22Like,

00:12:22Hi.

00:12:27Are these your roses?

00:12:32Oh my God,

00:12:33a deer fence.

00:12:34Wow.

00:12:43And I love the five-point buck

00:12:45that jump out in front of your car

00:12:46like,

00:12:46I hope you're insured

00:12:49because I'm taking you out.

00:12:50This is revenge for my brother

00:12:51who's hanging in a bar

00:12:52in Tennessee.

00:12:53Fuck you.

00:12:55And we have coyotes

00:12:56which are like dogs on crack.

00:12:58They come into your yard

00:12:59looking like,

00:13:00Hey, I'm a dog.

00:13:01Woo, woo, I'm a fucking dog.

00:13:02Hey, listen.

00:13:03Hey, listen.

00:13:05Do you have any small animals

00:13:06you don't need?

00:13:08And I'm sure your cat

00:13:09is sitting in the back

00:13:10going,

00:13:10I will shit in the box.

00:13:14Don't send me out there.

00:13:15Those things eat pussy.

00:13:16Don't send me out there.

00:13:21And

00:13:21if you have a cat

00:13:22and a dog

00:13:24and they live together,

00:13:26do you think your cat

00:13:27mindfucks your dog?

00:13:29I don't think it's fair.

00:13:30I think the moment

00:13:30you go to sleep

00:13:31the cat's like,

00:13:33Scooby.

00:13:35Yeah, yeah.

00:13:37Hey, Scooby,

00:13:38are you a man's best friend?

00:13:39Oh God, yeah.

00:13:40I love them.

00:13:42Really?

00:13:43Then where are your balls?

00:13:47Shit,

00:13:47they were there yesterday.

00:13:49I wonder why

00:13:50my ass tasted differently.

00:13:52I'm just saying

00:13:53that's weird.

00:13:54You know,

00:13:54that's what I'm saying.

00:13:55I'm just saying

00:13:59I'm just saying

00:14:00that's weird.

00:14:00That's all I'm saying.

00:14:02And people in California

00:14:04give their cats Prozac.

00:14:06How much more mellow

00:14:07can a fucking animal be?

00:14:10But that's California

00:14:11where animals have

00:14:12better health care

00:14:13than the rest of the country.

00:14:14It's fucking insane.

00:14:15And if the whole

00:14:16health care debate,

00:14:17if you want to know

00:14:18how your congressmen

00:14:19and senators are going to vote,

00:14:20we should actually,

00:14:21maybe they should be

00:14:21like NASCAR drivers.

00:14:22They should actually

00:14:23have to have jackets

00:14:24with the names

00:14:25of all the people

00:14:25who are sponsoring them.

00:14:26Wouldn't that be cool?

00:14:28What the fuck is that?

00:14:30Yeah, baby!

00:14:37Then you might have a clue

00:14:39to why the fuck

00:14:39they voted that way.

00:14:41Big drug company.

00:14:42Got it!

00:14:42Thank you!

00:14:43And I have an alternative

00:14:44health care plan.

00:14:45It's called

00:14:46Cash for Clunkers

00:14:47for Older Relatives.

00:14:48Kind of fun.

00:14:50You sell grandma

00:14:51for parts.

00:14:53Grandma,

00:14:54you've got two kidneys.

00:14:55We need a porch.

00:14:55Let's do this.

00:14:58And do not sell

00:14:59grandma's kidneys

00:15:00to that Hasidic rabbi

00:15:01in New Jersey.

00:15:02Fuck!

00:15:03Who buys organs

00:15:04from a Hasidic rabbi

00:15:05going,

00:15:06I'm crazy Itzach.

00:15:07Come on down.

00:15:08I'm for cramped with values.

00:15:09Come on down.

00:15:10I've got kidneys.

00:15:11I've got livers.

00:15:12How's the liver?

00:15:13Fresh!

00:15:13Come on down!

00:15:15And if you order now,

00:15:16you'll get this lovely wallet

00:15:17made from a Hasidic foreskin.

00:15:18You rub it,

00:15:19it becomes a suitcase.

00:15:20Come on down!

00:15:22Come on down.

00:15:23I'm open 24-6.

00:15:25For you!

00:15:25Come on!

00:15:27And if you have

00:15:28an older relative

00:15:29living with you

00:15:30that has dementia

00:15:31and the telemarketers

00:15:32are calling,

00:15:33put her on the phone

00:15:34with the telemarketer.

00:15:36It works!

00:15:39After two hours,

00:15:40she thinks she's talking

00:15:41to your long-lost cousin Carl

00:15:42and the fucking telemarketers

00:15:43will never call back again.

00:15:46And it's weird, too,

00:15:47because I had

00:15:48open-heart surgery.

00:15:49Well, it's not you know

00:15:49exactly what the fuck it is.

00:15:51Open heart.

00:15:52Yes, an angiogram

00:15:53does not let you know

00:15:53what they're going to do.

00:15:54An angiogram

00:15:54is where they go

00:15:55through your groin

00:15:56to your heart.

00:15:57And who knew

00:15:58that the way to a man's heart

00:15:59was through his groin?

00:16:00And women,

00:16:00and many women are going,

00:16:01we've known that forever.

00:16:04Yes.

00:16:06Simple.

00:16:07You grab a man's balls,

00:16:08his heart will follow.

00:16:11And I found out

00:16:12I had a bad heart

00:16:13because I did an echocardiogram

00:16:15and my heartbeat was like

00:16:19my cardiologist went,

00:16:20that's not good.

00:16:22My Latin friend said,

00:16:23no, you could dance to that.

00:16:24That's kind of cool.

00:16:26And then they did the angiogram

00:16:27and I heard my

00:16:29I had a blown valve

00:16:31which makes me sound

00:16:31like a Chevrolet,

00:16:32like what the fuck?

00:16:34And they started offering me choices

00:16:35about what type of valves

00:16:36I can get.

00:16:37And here are some of my choices.

00:16:38Number one,

00:16:39a porcine valve,

00:16:40which is a pig valve,

00:16:41which is kind of cool

00:16:41because you're already inoculated

00:16:43for swine flu,

00:16:43number one.

00:16:45And one of the side effects

00:16:47is you can find truffles,

00:16:48which is kind of cool.

00:16:50I was hoping to get

00:16:51an equine valve

00:16:52or a horse valve.

00:16:53That would be great

00:16:54because then you can hang

00:16:55out of your shorts like,

00:16:56hey, oh my God.

00:16:58Baby, I'm sorry.

00:16:59I just got excited.

00:17:01And to get out of the house,

00:17:02you have to have a midget

00:17:03jump on your back

00:17:04going, we're going outside

00:17:05right now.

00:17:07How many months

00:17:07since the surgery?

00:17:08Five.

00:17:11And then they offered me

00:17:13a mechanical valve,

00:17:14which is kind of cool.

00:17:14I thought,

00:17:15maybe I can get

00:17:16the new Apple iHeart.

00:17:17That would be great.

00:17:19Comes with 20,000 emotions.

00:17:21And that would be,

00:17:21but I thought,

00:17:22wait a minute.

00:17:22If I could get an iHeart,

00:17:24ladies, how about this?

00:17:25Instead of breast implants,

00:17:27speakers.

00:17:27Wouldn't that be cool?

00:17:29We'll call them blue tits.

00:17:31They'll be compatible

00:17:31with the heart.

00:17:33And if you can't afford speakers,

00:17:35just put in a squeak toy.

00:17:36We're that simple.

00:17:37That'd be great.

00:17:38A lot of you men

00:17:39would be going,

00:17:40oh yeah, baby.

00:17:47And I'll put a whistle

00:17:47in my dick

00:17:48so when you blow me,

00:17:49woo!

00:17:52Kind of fun,

00:17:53but I ended up

00:17:56getting a bovine valve,

00:17:57which is a cow valve,

00:17:58which is kind of cool

00:17:59because you can shit

00:17:59standing up.

00:18:00That's great.

00:18:01Great to be here.

00:18:02Nice to be here.

00:18:05But after the surgery,

00:18:06you get very emotional.

00:18:07It's like,

00:18:08you know,

00:18:08it's like weird.

00:18:08People go,

00:18:09how are you?

00:18:09God, thanks for asking.

00:18:11And I got so emotional,

00:18:13I thought instead of a valve,

00:18:14they gave me a tiny vagina,

00:18:15which is like,

00:18:16what?

00:18:17How are you?

00:18:18Much better now.

00:18:22Oh God.

00:18:24Don't use the paddles.

00:18:25Just rub me here.

00:18:26There we go.

00:18:28And if this is a symbol for men,

00:18:29is this a symbol for women?

00:18:31That'd be...

00:18:32Don't jerk me off.

00:18:33I won't.

00:18:33God bless.

00:18:36And the surgery,

00:18:37the surgery went amazing.

00:18:39I had a doctor

00:18:39who had done 4,000 surgeries.

00:18:42All of them fucking amazing.

00:18:43That was great.

00:18:43You don't want a doctor

00:18:44who's done six surgeries,

00:18:46three of them haven't gone that well.

00:18:48You don't want a guy going,

00:18:49let's see what happens.

00:18:52And the surgery was pretty amazing.

00:18:53It went fantastic.

00:18:54First thing to come back online,

00:18:56your heart,

00:18:56beep, beep, beep.

00:18:57Great.

00:18:57Then your brain,

00:18:58last thing,

00:18:59asshole.

00:19:01The drugs make you so constipated,

00:19:02I thought they're going to have

00:19:03to bring in a priest

00:19:04to do a rectal exorcism.

00:19:07Demon turd,

00:19:08fall from his ass.

00:19:09The power of fiber compels you.

00:19:12The power of fiber compels you.

00:19:17And after the surgery,

00:19:18they put you on a little self-medicator,

00:19:19which is fucking great.

00:19:20You're like,

00:19:20I want to thank my anesthesiologist

00:19:24because I don't fucking remember his name.

00:19:26And the drug they gave me for the surgery

00:19:28was a drug called propofol,

00:19:30which is nicknamed as milk of amnesia.

00:19:32Fucking insane drug.

00:19:34I had that in a surgical situation.

00:19:36Michael Jackson was taking propofol

00:19:38at home to sleep.

00:19:39Fuck off.

00:19:41A doctor said taking propofol to sleep

00:19:44is like doing chemotherapy

00:19:45because you're tired of shaving

00:19:46your fucking head.

00:19:48It's like,

00:19:49no.

00:19:51And do you think,

00:19:52do you think that when you die

00:19:53and you get to the other side

00:19:54in the afterlife,

00:19:55they give you things you had in life,

00:19:56like Michael got to the other side

00:19:57and I was like,

00:19:58Michael?

00:19:59Yes?

00:20:00We have some of your things here.

00:20:02Really?

00:20:05One African-American nose.

00:20:06Is this yours?

00:20:09Yes.

00:20:10We have four others here.

00:20:11Are these yours?

00:20:12Three of them are mine.

00:20:13One's Latoya's.

00:20:15But you can't blame Michael.

00:20:17We're a heavily medicated society.

00:20:19All the drugs we take,

00:20:20Prozac, Effexor, Valium.

00:20:21I thought for the last 10 years,

00:20:23we've been on some weird fucking drug,

00:20:25the whole country,

00:20:25a drug called fuck-it-all.

00:20:26What a weird fucking drug.

00:20:28And we're just coming out of it

00:20:29and we're kind of waking up.

00:20:30It's like,

00:20:31fuck it up.

00:20:34It's weird.

00:20:36It's like you're going,

00:20:37last thing I remember was,

00:20:39the economy was working

00:20:40and there was a budget surplus.

00:20:42Yeah.

00:20:42Where's Clinton?

00:20:44We impeached him.

00:20:45Fuck!

00:20:46For what?

00:20:47A blowjob.

00:20:48What?

00:20:49Who did he blow?

00:20:50No, Putin.

00:20:51No.

00:20:53No.

00:20:57He got blown by a Jewish girl.

00:20:59Wow.

00:21:00He got heads from a Jewish girl?

00:21:02Fucking A.

00:21:05And they impeached him for that.

00:21:07Bull, he lied about it.

00:21:08He's married.

00:21:09Who wouldn't?

00:21:09What the fuck?

00:21:11No, he lied about it to Congress.

00:21:12And those fuckers impeached him?

00:21:15That's like a group of lepers

00:21:16judging a beauty contest.

00:21:17What the fuck?

00:21:20Wow, that's nuts.

00:21:23No.

00:21:26But.

00:21:28And then they acquitted him.

00:21:29Oh, cool.

00:21:30And who was president next?

00:21:31Gore?

00:21:31No, Bush.

00:21:32He was already president.

00:21:33No, this was his son.

00:21:34Oh, the one from Florida.

00:21:35He's kind of cool.

00:21:36No, the one from Texas.

00:21:38Junior?

00:21:38Fuck!

00:21:40My God.

00:21:41The one who traded Sammy Sosa?

00:21:43Fuck yeah!

00:21:45How was he as president?

00:21:47Kind of goofy.

00:21:49Really, he waved at Stevie Wonder.

00:21:51What the fuck?

00:21:53Like, wow.

00:21:57And then, what did he do?

00:22:00Well, he took a lot of vacations.

00:22:01And then what happened?

00:22:02We got attacked.

00:22:03By who?

00:22:04Osama bin Laden.

00:22:05The guy from Afghanistan?

00:22:06Didn't we used to send him weapons?

00:22:07Yeah, I know.

00:22:08We went after him, right?

00:22:09Yeah.

00:22:09Did we get him?

00:22:10Almost.

00:22:12Well, then, what do you mean almost?

00:22:14Well, we went after Hussein because he had weapons of mass destruction.

00:22:17That guy from Syria.

00:22:18I knew that fuck would do this.

00:22:19No, the one from Iraq.

00:22:20Saddam Hussein?

00:22:21Bush Sr. kicked his ass.

00:22:23Yeah, he did.

00:22:24And we got him.

00:22:25Oh, fuck, we got him.

00:22:26And we found the weapons of mass destruction because he would tell you what they are.

00:22:29Well, they executed him.

00:22:30Fuck off!

00:22:31And did you get bin Laden?

00:22:33Oh, almost.

00:22:34We got four of his number threes.

00:22:36Okay.

00:22:38But he's in Afghanistan.

00:22:40Maybe.

00:22:41He might be in Pakistan.

00:22:43Well, let's go after him in Pakistan.

00:22:44Well, there's a problem there.

00:22:45They're allies and they have weapons of mass destruction.

00:22:48Oh, no!

00:22:49What about the economy?

00:22:50Well, we had to bail out the banks.

00:22:52Again?

00:22:52Fuck yeah!

00:22:54And now, who's the president?

00:22:55A black guy.

00:22:56Oh, yeah, right.

00:22:58Yeah.

00:22:59Yeah.

00:23:00There's a black president and there's a Latino in the Supreme Court.

00:23:02There he is!

00:23:03Oh, my God!

00:23:05Who's the president?

00:23:06Jesse Jackson?

00:23:06No, his name's Barack Hussein Obama.

00:23:08Now you're fucking with me.

00:23:11Fuck off!

00:23:13My God!

00:23:19And that's where we find ourselves today.

00:23:21We have an African-American, but he was not born in Africa.

00:23:25Even though the birthers are going, he was born in Africa.

00:23:27Yes, and his campaign was financed by a Nigerian prince on the internet.

00:23:30Come with me, my friend.

00:23:33It's like their worst nightmare would have been at the inauguration going,

00:23:36Mr. Obama, you are now president of the United States.

00:23:39Kumbaya!

00:23:43Hillary, work the booty!

00:23:48Work the booty!

00:23:49Work the booty!

00:23:51What the fuck?

00:23:55And you have to break his name down.

00:23:56It's Barack, blessing, Hussein.

00:23:58We know who that is.

00:23:59Obama.

00:23:59It's an old Kenyan word for Kennedy.

00:24:00Cool!

00:24:03And the moment he was elected, Caucasian guilt dropped lower than the stock market.

00:24:06It was like a brother would be going, my man, could you spare a dollar?

00:24:09I'm sorry, my good fellow, but I voted for Obama.

00:24:11Good fucking luck.

00:24:12Take care.

00:24:15And now you have Michelle.

00:24:17Michelle.

00:24:17Oh, my God, girl, please.

00:24:19Mmm.

00:24:20Yeah, baby.

00:24:21Oh.

00:24:22Like a combination of Jackie Onassis and Serena Williams.

00:24:25Way to go.

00:24:27She is so elegant, and she's got guns, too, which is kind of cool.

00:24:31But you get the feeling, as elegant as she is, if you diss her man, she will fuck your shit

00:24:36up.

00:24:38Mmm.

00:24:40She will.

00:24:41She will open a can of whoop her ass.

00:24:44She will go from, yes, we can, to, oh, no, you didn't.

00:24:47Mmm.

00:24:50And Obama got heckled in Congress.

00:24:53What the fuck is that?

00:24:54That would have not have happened if Cheney were there.

00:24:56If Cheney were there, oh, no.

00:24:57If someone had heckled W, Cheney would be like, bam!

00:25:02Yeah!

00:25:08Anybody else got a problem?

00:25:12Cheney shot a man in the face hunting quail.

00:25:17I don't know about East Coast quail, but California quail are this fucking big.

00:25:21You got to drop kick him and then get him in the air going, bam!

00:25:25Shit happens.

00:25:26And I love Cheney at the inauguration looking like old man Potter, like, good luck with the economy, little African

00:25:31prince.

00:25:32Ha, ha, ha, ha.

00:25:35Take care, Simba.

00:25:37Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

00:25:41And he was transforming as we speak.

00:25:43The last few years he's been turning slowly but surely into Gollum, like, they don't like this.

00:25:47Don't give a shit, not caring why.

00:25:50Halliburton is the precious.

00:25:52It's the precious.

00:25:54And he's become an archetype now.

00:25:56It's the type of thing that if you want to frighten a little child, you just have to say,

00:25:59if you're not good, the Cheney man will catch you.

00:26:04Ha, ha, ha, ha.

00:26:05No.

00:26:08And what's W doing now?

00:26:10He's a motivational speaker.

00:26:11Kind of cool.

00:26:13It's kind of like having Lindsay Lohan as a guidance counselor.

00:26:18Way to go.

00:26:22And I love, I love the fact they're talking about opening the George W. Bush Library, which

00:26:27I think, wow, that's kind of like the Colonel Sanders Culinary Academy.

00:26:33Just the concept alone boggles your mind.

00:26:35And they've already talked about making it very interactive, which I think is code for not

00:26:40so many books.

00:26:43And I hope they have some of his great quotes on the walls like, a lot of our imports come

00:26:47from other countries.

00:26:48Yes!

00:26:52The question that's never asked, is our children learning?

00:26:55Didn't know that.

00:26:57People, don't misunderstand me.

00:26:59That's not even a fucking word.

00:27:00Way to go!

00:27:02And you've got to cut W some slack, man.

00:27:04He comes from a family where their smart brother is named Jeb, number one.

00:27:09And he had a wicked Coke problem.

00:27:10And why did he have to stop doing blow?

00:27:12Because I believe one day he was like, shit, my mom's on the dollar bill.

00:27:15Goddamn!

00:27:17Got to cut this shit out!

00:27:20And near the end of his term, even world leaders were dissing his ass.

00:27:24There'd be the World Economic Leaders Conference, and they'll be up there going,

00:27:27oh, shit, you come skippy, fuck off.

00:27:30And he'd be up there like a kid at a graduation, like, nobody likes me, this is bullshit, this

00:27:34is crazy-ass shit.

00:27:36But there was one guy who treated W with kindness and respect, and that man was Tony Blair.

00:27:41Tony Blair and W was like the United Nations production of Rain Man.

00:27:45It was wonderful.

00:27:47There was sweetness.

00:27:51Tony, Tony, be going to W.

00:27:53W, do you know the price of gas?

00:27:54Definitely don't know the price of gas.

00:27:56Don't know the price of gas.

00:28:00Do you have an economic stimulus package?

00:28:01Definitely have an economic stimulus package.

00:28:03Might work.

00:28:03Definitely might work.

00:28:05Give each and every American over the age of 20 $1 million.

00:28:07Tax amount of flat, tax rate of 10%.

00:28:09Gives back to government $100,000.

00:28:10Gives each every American $900,000.

00:28:12Might stimulate locally and personally.

00:28:14Definitely might work.

00:28:15Definitely might work.

00:28:18But W, W, do you know the price of gas?

00:28:21Definitely don't know the price of gas.

00:28:24And the definition of insanity is repeating the same action, expecting a different outcome.

00:28:28And we elected him the second time.

00:28:29The whole world went, what the fuck is going on with you people?

00:28:33But now, we still have comedy, though.

00:28:36We still have great comedy out there.

00:28:37There's always rambling Joe Biden.

00:28:39What the fuck?

00:28:41Joe says shit that even people at Tourette's go, no.

00:28:45No.

00:28:47What is going on?

00:28:50Joe is like your uncle who's got a new drug and hasn't got the dosage right.

00:28:55I'm proud to work with Barack America.

00:28:56He's not a superhero, you idiot.

00:28:58Come here.

00:28:59When FDR was on television, there was no TV back then.

00:29:02Come here, Joe.

00:29:03Sit down.

00:29:05And then you always have senators willing to push the comedy envelope, like Senator Larry

00:29:09Craig, a guy who tried to pick up a man in a men's room by Morse code.

00:29:14How the fuck do you do that?

00:29:16How do you go, will you blow me?

00:29:21Maybe.

00:29:27And there's always Governor Sanford.

00:29:29He's a piece of work.

00:29:30That's wonderful.

00:29:31I'm going for a hike on the Appalachian Trail.

00:29:33Where does it end?

00:29:34Patagonia.

00:29:34Oh, fuck off.

00:29:36And if always, if you want comedy, there is always Sarah Palin.

00:29:40God bless.

00:29:41She is wonderful.

00:29:43Sarah.

00:29:44Sarah is a self-opening pinata.

00:29:46She is a gift.

00:29:48How did they find her?

00:29:50Was it Project Running Mate?

00:29:51Is that how they got her?

00:29:54Did Ronald Reagan have a kid with Vanna White and drop it off in Alaska?

00:29:59And it was raised by wolves and that's why she hunts them?

00:30:02You're not my dad.

00:30:05And she says amazing things like, I know about Russia because I can see it from my backyard.

00:30:11You have supervision, number one.

00:30:14And I can see San Quentin from my backyard, but that doesn't qualify me on prison reform.

00:30:18What the fuck?

00:30:20And it's incredible, too.

00:30:21She said polar bears are not endangered.

00:30:23They're just unlucky.

00:30:23Oh, really?

00:30:26And who knew Katie Couric was the cutting edge of journalism with ambush questions like,

00:30:31What do you read?

00:30:39Well, yeah, that's a trick question.

00:30:44Not if you read, no.

00:30:48You know, the basic difference between her and Cheney, she shoots you, game over.

00:30:53She will have you gutted and standing on the wall next to Barbara Walters like, and the

00:30:57last few days of the election, she got really sexy.

00:31:00She let the hair down.

00:31:01I thought the last day of the election, she was going to pop the Prada, be like, yeah.

00:31:05How do you like my northern slopes now, boys?

00:31:09Drill, baby, drill, baby, drill.

00:31:12And you think the whole time she was running for office, Clinton was sitting at home going,

00:31:16where was she when I was in office?

00:31:26She is hot.

00:31:28Whoa.

00:31:29That's a milf.

00:31:30That's a mother I'd like to filibuster.

00:31:31Yeah.

00:31:34And Bill did some good work recently.

00:31:36He went to North Korea, got the two girls home.

00:31:38Way to go, Bill.

00:31:38Way to go.

00:31:39Got them back.

00:31:39Way to go.

00:31:40Good job.

00:31:42But I wanted to be in the room when Kim Jong-il came in the room and went,

00:31:46Saw Bill Clinton.

00:31:49You bring me the pictures I asked you for?

00:31:57I have on my big boy glasses.

00:32:00I want those pictures and Clay Aiken.

00:32:05What do you want, Clay Aiken?

00:32:06You know what I want, Clay Aiken.

00:32:09That's how I roar, roar.

00:32:12That's how I roar, roar, roar.

00:32:14That's what I like.

00:32:17And you think when Bill got back from North Korea and Hillary got back from Africa,

00:32:20that was kind of a rough dinner when Hillary went, Bill, congratulations on North Korea.

00:32:24Well, baby, it was a happy ending.

00:32:25Shit, wrong words.

00:32:29Come again, Bill?

00:32:30Not this time, baby.

00:32:31Not this time.

00:32:32And people got mad at Hillary that she didn't go trailer park on Bill's ass during the Monica Lewinsky thing.

00:32:37That she didn't start throwing her shit on the White House lawn like,

00:32:40Bill Clinton, you lying sack of shit!

00:32:43How could you find the only Jewish girl who couldn't get a stain out, you asshole!

00:32:48Damn you!

00:32:50And he'd be on the lawn like an episode of Cops going,

00:32:53I love you, baby!

00:32:55Depends on what your definition of he is, he is!

00:32:59And when Hillary ran for president, there were a lot of guys going,

00:33:01I don't know about a woman president.

00:33:03What are you worried about?

00:33:04You're worried about every 28 days she'd be going,

00:33:05I can't talk to Putin, not today!

00:33:08I'm just going to balance my budget and watch my stories!

00:33:13She's in her 60s.

00:33:14She has her own global warming right now, number one.

00:33:18She is one tough-ass woman.

00:33:20And you don't necessarily want sexy.

00:33:21I know when Sarah ran, a lot of guys are going,

00:33:23she energizes my base.

00:33:24Yeah, alright!

00:33:26But necessarily, you know, sexy and world leaders,

00:33:29not necessarily the case.

00:33:30Especially with female world leaders.

00:33:31Throughout history, Elizabeth I, Catherine the Great,

00:33:34Golda Meir, Indira Gandhi.

00:33:35These are women you may not want to fuck.

00:33:37But you definitely don't want to fuck with them.

00:33:40They are scary women.

00:33:41Oh my God!

00:33:42Woo!

00:33:45And if you don't think a woman can handle a military situation,

00:33:49ask the Argentinians.

00:33:50They were going,

00:33:51Margaret Thatcher, that crazy conyo sank a battleship.

00:33:53She is nuts!

00:33:54She was like Julia Childs on steroids going,

00:33:57I will sink your shit right now!

00:34:00I will open a can of whoop-ass on you little brown man!

00:34:03I will do it right there!

00:34:08And you have to look at the English royal family

00:34:10and realize all that money and no dental plan.

00:34:13How sad!

00:34:14How sad!

00:34:16So sad!

00:34:17I mean...

00:34:19But if you want sex and politics,

00:34:21the French are always there to top everyone.

00:34:23The French have a president, Sarkozy,

00:34:25whose wife fucked Mick Jagger.

00:34:27Way to go!

00:34:28The French look at the Americans like,

00:34:30top that little Puritans, huh?

00:34:32Take care, huh?

00:34:33And I believe there's one man we could run for office

00:34:35and even the French would go,

00:34:36fuck off!

00:34:37That man is Jack Nicholson.

00:34:40Yes!

00:34:41Oh yeah, baby!

00:34:44He's nuts!

00:34:45You'll never have a sex scandal with Jack

00:34:47because he has fucked everyone.

00:34:51I had Angelina Jolie

00:34:52and afterwards she adopted me.

00:34:56What?

00:34:58And he's done every known drug known to mankind.

00:35:01He'd be the only guy in the world

00:35:02that Keith Richards would go,

00:35:03I have to go home now, Jack.

00:35:08No, I really do.

00:35:09He's fucking over.

00:35:11Where are you running, you pussy?

00:35:12Get back here!

00:35:14And it's so weird, too.

00:35:16If you elect celebrities,

00:35:17it's always not a great idea

00:35:18because in California,

00:35:19we are a 60% Hispanic state.

00:35:21We elected an Austrian governor.

00:35:24Even old Nazis are going,

00:35:26that's weird.

00:35:29He has a hard time even saying

00:35:30the name of the state.

00:35:31Arnold, where are you governor?

00:35:35What?

00:35:38And he's married to a Kennedy,

00:35:40Maria Shriver,

00:35:41who has been getting thinner

00:35:42and fucking thinner

00:35:43and smaller.

00:35:45I believe he's sucking the Kennedy

00:35:46out of her.

00:35:53Slowly, slowly but surely

00:35:54becoming a Kennedy by assimilation,

00:35:56which is kind of cool.

00:35:57That's how you get a liberal Republican,

00:35:58which is neat.

00:35:59It's like a Volvo with a gun rack.

00:36:01You don't see a lot of them.

00:36:04And in terms of energy policies,

00:36:0721st century.

00:36:08Stem cell research, 21st century.

00:36:10Immigration, Arnold's a little old school.

00:36:12Arnold, how will you handle immigration?

00:36:14I will build a wall.

00:36:17And even the Chinese go,

00:36:18that will not fucking work.

00:36:21They will go around your wall.

00:36:24And who will build the wall?

00:36:25The people you are trying

00:36:26to fucking keep out.

00:36:29So maybe you want to invent

00:36:31some self-picking fruit real quickly.

00:36:33Come with me right now.

00:36:37And in California,

00:36:38we barely balanced the budget.

00:36:40They were coming up

00:36:41with weird alternatives

00:36:41to balance the budget,

00:36:42like selling San Quentin

00:36:44as real estate.

00:36:45What the fuck?

00:36:46It's just like,

00:36:46are you going to open

00:36:47some sort of severe spa?

00:36:50These are the lovely

00:36:51sodomy suites.

00:36:52Come with me over here.

00:36:53Oh, don't sit in that chair.

00:36:55Too late.

00:36:58And they're going to close Guantanamo.

00:36:59And I go,

00:37:00what are you going to open there?

00:37:01Maybe an amusement park.

00:37:02We'll call it Muslim Mountain.

00:37:03It'll be cool.

00:37:05What will the water slide be?

00:37:06We strap you to a board

00:37:07and send you headfirst into a pool.

00:37:08Good luck!

00:37:10And where are they going to send

00:37:11all those guys from Guantanamo?

00:37:13And people in Texas

00:37:13are going,

00:37:14we'll take them.

00:37:16No, you can't.

00:37:17No!

00:37:20And the whole budget crisis,

00:37:22the whole manic recession,

00:37:24we've just come through

00:37:24this whole manic recession.

00:37:25Remember the bank saying,

00:37:26we're too big to fail.

00:37:28It's like saying,

00:37:28too fat to diet.

00:37:29What the fuck?

00:37:30What are you doing?

00:37:31Remember they came to us going,

00:37:33we need $500 billion.

00:37:34We went, okay, here you go.

00:37:35A week later,

00:37:36we need some more.

00:37:39What?

00:37:40You fuckers are economic freebasing.

00:37:41What are you doing?

00:37:43They're like a group of junkies

00:37:44who've relapsed

00:37:45and they're going,

00:37:45no, my man, listen.

00:37:47I just need some liquidity.

00:37:49You know what I'm saying?

00:37:51I just ran into some bad subprime,

00:37:53you know?

00:37:54We had some complex formulas.

00:37:56We just didn't factor in greed and panic.

00:37:59Yeah!

00:38:00I just need $805 billion

00:38:03by Tuesday.

00:38:05I would not fuck you again.

00:38:08And my God,

00:38:09it was insane.

00:38:10And in the midst of all this,

00:38:11there was Bernie Madoff,

00:38:12an embezzler named Madoff.

00:38:17Hmm.

00:38:18Yes.

00:38:22Was the name not a clue?

00:38:25Did he have to be

00:38:26with the accounting firm

00:38:27of Do We Fuck You and Howe?

00:38:31And now Bernie's in prison

00:38:33where insider trading's a whole other gang.

00:38:36The bull market's

00:38:37what your ass will bear,

00:38:38motherfucker.

00:38:39Let's do this.

00:38:40Mm-hmm.

00:38:41Pay back the bitch.

00:38:42Yeah!

00:38:44And then the automobile companies

00:38:45needed help.

00:38:46And I thought,

00:38:46wait a minute.

00:38:47Wouldn't it be cool

00:38:48if the oil companies

00:38:48gave a little money

00:38:49to the automobile companies?

00:38:50I know it's like

00:38:51your dealer paying for rehab,

00:38:52but why not?

00:38:53Give us a shot!

00:38:54And now,

00:38:55we're trying to get off

00:38:55the petroleum titty.

00:38:57It's like we're trying to kick it.

00:38:58How are we doing this?

00:38:59Well, we're looking for

00:38:59alternative fuels.

00:39:00Some of the alternative fuels are

00:39:02a hydrogen-powered car.

00:39:04Cool idea.

00:39:04If you're thinking

00:39:05of a hydrogen-powered car,

00:39:06I have one word for you.

00:39:07Hindenburg.

00:39:07Good luck.

00:39:10And more interesting gas

00:39:11and a lot more fun

00:39:12is helium.

00:39:13Number one,

00:39:13with helium,

00:39:13you can float over the potholes.

00:39:15And if you get into an accident,

00:39:16you get out of the car

00:39:17with road rage going,

00:39:18I'm going to kick your ass.

00:39:21What?

00:39:22Oh, my God.

00:39:24I've got a fuel leak.

00:39:25How weird is that?

00:39:27I can't kick your ass.

00:39:28I sound like a chipmunk.

00:39:29This is not...

00:39:30Look at all the clowns

00:39:31getting out of the trunk

00:39:32of my car.

00:39:33Fuck off.

00:39:34And I found another

00:39:35alternative fuel,

00:39:36and I found it by accident.

00:39:38I was having my morning coffee,

00:39:40and I had my morning coffee

00:39:41for two reasons.

00:39:41One, to kickstart my brain,

00:39:43but number two,

00:39:43and more importantly,

00:39:44to jumpstart my colon,

00:39:45more importantly.

00:39:47And the moment

00:39:47I had my morning coffee,

00:39:48it's like,

00:39:49morning, everybody.

00:39:50Fire in the hole!

00:39:53Son, open the bathroom door!

00:39:55I don't care

00:39:55if you're rubbing one out,

00:39:56I've got to drop a resume!

00:39:59Open the door!

00:40:00And even the dog's going,

00:40:01he's leaking methane!

00:40:05There's a dead canary

00:40:06in the corner,

00:40:06like, ugh!

00:40:08And I went,

00:40:09wait a minute.

00:40:10I'm leaking methane.

00:40:12I'm my own fuel source.

00:40:14How about this

00:40:15for a new car?

00:40:15The new Ford Colon.

00:40:17How about this?

00:40:19Here's the ad.

00:40:20Me shirt,

00:40:21no pants,

00:40:21tube in my ass.

00:40:24Hi, I'm Robin Williams.

00:40:26I've just had

00:40:27a black bean burrito.

00:40:29That's right.

00:40:30I'm going to drive

00:40:31all the way from San Francisco

00:40:32to Washington, D.C.

00:40:35Yep.

00:40:37The shit's hit the fan

00:40:38and it's powering my car.

00:40:41Won't you join us?

00:40:42Fuck green,

00:40:43go brown.

00:40:44Come on.

00:40:45Come with us.

00:40:47Now.

00:40:55Another alternative fuel

00:40:57is ethanol

00:40:57and people in the south

00:40:58are going,

00:40:59that's moonshine,

00:41:00motherfucker.

00:41:00Damn right.

00:41:02And ethanol

00:41:02is pure grain alcohol

00:41:03and no better car

00:41:04in the world to drive

00:41:05if you're an alcoholic.

00:41:06If you get stopped

00:41:07by the police,

00:41:08you can get out

00:41:08of the car going,

00:41:10officer,

00:41:10I've had a few cocktails.

00:41:12My car, however,

00:41:14is totally fucked up.

00:41:17Even the GPS

00:41:18in the car is going,

00:41:19I don't know

00:41:19where the fuck I am.

00:41:21A goddamn tree

00:41:22just jumped out at me.

00:41:25And Hyundai makes a car

00:41:27that could park itself.

00:41:29I'm going,

00:41:30where the fuck

00:41:31were you when I was drinking?

00:41:32God damn.

00:41:34What a great car.

00:41:35You get in the car

00:41:35a little loaded going,

00:41:36shall I drive home?

00:41:38Fuck yeah.

00:41:40And before you do,

00:41:41blow me.

00:41:43And what a great new car,

00:41:44the new Ford fellatio.

00:41:46That would be a car.

00:41:47It gets you off

00:41:48before it gets you there.

00:41:51And most cars now

00:41:52have GPS,

00:41:53which is kind of cool.

00:41:54I have a GPS in my car.

00:41:55I was driving

00:41:56across the Golden Gate Bridge.

00:41:57I was halfway across

00:41:58and all of a sudden

00:41:59the car went,

00:41:59take a right turn.

00:42:03What?

00:42:05No can do, Hal.

00:42:08Not that depressed, really.

00:42:10And the car went,

00:42:12really, Robin?

00:42:12I saw Bicentennial Man.

00:42:13Shut the fuck up!

00:42:15Damn you!

00:42:21That's a bitchy English voice, too.

00:42:23It goes,

00:42:24in one quarter mile,

00:42:25take a right turn.

00:42:27In one eighth mile,

00:42:28take a right turn.

00:42:31There it was.

00:42:34You missed it, Magellan.

00:42:38Should I reroute?

00:42:39I, who has access to 12 satellites.

00:42:41You, who doesn't look

00:42:42at a fucking piece of paper.

00:42:44And maybe they should have a GPS

00:42:46that ages with you,

00:42:47becomes age appropriate.

00:42:48So eventually the car's going,

00:42:49there's your turn, hello?

00:42:51No, no, that's it.

00:42:52Maybe the next one.

00:42:53That could be it.

00:42:54That might be it.

00:42:55Yeah, that's the one.

00:42:56There used to be a gas station there.

00:42:58Yeah.

00:42:59Yeah.

00:43:01Right.

00:43:03That's when gas was a nickel a gallon.

00:43:06That's it.

00:43:06Yeah.

00:43:08I want a Scottish GPS,

00:43:10because I think that would be an honest GPS.

00:43:12It'd be going,

00:43:13there's your turn.

00:43:15You fucking missed it, you idiot.

00:43:18Take another fucking right turn.

00:43:20Take one more fucking right turn.

00:43:22Take one more fucking right turn.

00:43:24Ooh, deja fucking view.

00:43:27Yeah.

00:43:29And

00:43:33they say that Bob Dylan

00:43:34is going to be making a GPS.

00:43:37I want that GPS.

00:43:40Driving down the road,

00:43:41look ahead,

00:43:41there's a light.

00:43:43Fairly soon,

00:43:44very soon,

00:43:44you're going to have to take a ride.

00:43:46Driving along,

00:43:47driving along,

00:43:47driving on the land of the free.

00:43:49Don't remember to pull off

00:43:50and you have to take a pee.

00:43:51Do it now.

00:43:53Pull up ahead.

00:43:54Don't try to stop.

00:43:55Oh God, oh God, look out.

00:43:57There's a cop.

00:43:58Look in.

00:43:59I'm just trying to direct you

00:44:00as one wealthy Hebrew.

00:44:09And it's cool now.

00:44:11If you see someone driving alone,

00:44:13talking like this,

00:44:15hopefully their hands free

00:44:16and not out of their fucking mind.

00:44:19Because in the old days,

00:44:20if you saw someone driving and talking like,

00:44:22they're looking alone,

00:44:23you go,

00:44:23change fucking lanes.

00:44:26And hands free means hands free

00:44:29to talk on the phone.

00:44:30This does not mean

00:44:31find another activity for your hands.

00:44:34Like text messaging.

00:44:36No, no.

00:44:37Texting and driving at the same time

00:44:39is like jerking off

00:44:40and juggling at the same time.

00:44:42Too many balls in the air

00:44:44if you catch my drift.

00:44:46And unless,

00:44:47unless you're going to develop

00:44:48an eye like a chameleon

00:44:49where one looks down,

00:44:50one looks ahead,

00:44:52your brain will eventually go,

00:44:53I can't do this.

00:44:55I am in textificated.

00:44:57This is insane.

00:44:59And when you get out of the car,

00:45:01take out the Bluetooth 07 of 9.

00:45:03Join us.

00:45:04Come back.

00:45:05Yes.

00:45:06Oh, please.

00:45:08It's so right.

00:45:13Because you'll be wearing the Bluetooth

00:45:15and deaf people are going,

00:45:16are you hearing?

00:45:16No, you're just an asshole

00:45:17with a Bluetooth.

00:45:18Fuck you.

00:45:20And then there's always

00:45:20that awkward Bluetooth conversation.

00:45:22You're in an elevator.

00:45:23You can't see the Bluetooth

00:45:24and some guy's going,

00:45:25hi, gorgeous.

00:45:26Not you.

00:45:27Fuck you.

00:45:28No, fuck you.

00:45:29No, no.

00:45:29I want to fuck you.

00:45:30I don't want to fuck you.

00:45:30Fuck you.

00:45:31Fuck you, goddamn.

00:45:32Homeless people are going,

00:45:33that's my act, you asshole.

00:45:36I talk to people.

00:45:37I hear voices.

00:45:37I just don't have call waiting.

00:45:39What the fuck?

00:45:40And if you wear a Bluetooth 24-7,

00:45:43I'm sure there are no long-term effects.

00:45:44I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,

00:45:48I'm like, I'm like,

00:45:49ha, ha.

00:45:50And thank you,

00:45:51thank you for not filming me

00:45:52with your phones tonight

00:45:53because phones now are cameras.

00:45:54And there was a lady filming me

00:45:55the other night

00:45:56and you could see him.

00:45:57There's a fucking red light, bitch.

00:45:58I see it.

00:46:00And I said, turn it off.

00:46:01And she went, how will I remember?

00:46:02I went, the old-fashioned way.

00:46:05You'll have to tell people what you saw.

00:46:09That you saw a hairy comedian.

00:46:13Because you see,

00:46:14it's not Big Brother anymore.

00:46:16It's Little Snitch.

00:46:16It's like, I see you.

00:46:17I fucking see you.

00:46:18I see you.

00:46:18I fucking see you.

00:46:19And it's also too weird, too,

00:46:20because your phone,

00:46:21you can Google on your phone.

00:46:23I Googled the word corkscrew.

00:46:24It said, did you mean cocksucker?

00:46:26No.

00:46:28But while you're there.

00:46:31And texting.

00:46:32The whole texting thing.

00:46:33Texting.

00:46:33I walked into a Starbucks.

00:46:34There were all these little girls

00:46:35sitting around like a cyber witch's coven.

00:46:36They were like.

00:46:39Not saying a fucking word.

00:46:41Just like.

00:46:43Finally, one of them looked up

00:46:44and went, I know.

00:46:49And you Twitter.

00:46:50Twitter.

00:46:51Or tweeting.

00:46:52It's not the root word.

00:46:52It's not tweet.

00:46:53It's tweet.

00:46:53Okay, cool.

00:46:54Is it rude to Twitter during sex

00:46:55to go OMG, OMG, WTF, ZZZ?

00:46:58Is that rude?

00:47:00And is there something called clittering

00:47:02where you play with a little button

00:47:03on your Blackberry?

00:47:07What are you doing?

00:47:08I'm clittering.

00:47:12And Twitter broke the other day.

00:47:14Fuck, Twitter went down.

00:47:15What the fuck happened to all those people then

00:47:16where they're like,

00:47:17my thumbs!

00:47:19My thumbs are moving for no fucking reason!

00:47:22What the fuck is that?

00:47:23A book.

00:47:29Who are you?

00:47:30Dad.

00:47:33I miss you.

00:47:37Let's talk.

00:47:39And you walk into the room.

00:47:41My son has four screens going simultaneously.

00:47:43He's got a game on here.

00:47:44He's playing a movie over here.

00:47:44He's also downloading.

00:47:45He's texting.

00:47:46He's got all this stuff going.

00:47:47And people go, that's ADD.

00:47:48I go, bullshit.

00:47:48He's multitasking.

00:47:49Fuck off.

00:47:51And then suddenly I become my father going,

00:47:53your mother and I weren't online.

00:47:54We did lines, my friend.

00:47:56I'll tell you that.

00:47:58You do 50,000 hits.

00:47:59We did five hits.

00:48:00Yeah.

00:48:00That's how much we needed.

00:48:02And we didn't have Twitter.

00:48:03We had shitter.

00:48:03That was my chat room.

00:48:05We had useless conversations.

00:48:07We just didn't fucking share them with the world.

00:48:09Oh, what are you doing?

00:48:10Oh, you're playing with your weed.

00:48:11Oh, you got a joystick.

00:48:12Yeah.

00:48:13I had a joystick growing up,

00:48:15except mine was fucking attached.

00:48:16Yeah.

00:48:18And it was a first-person shooter, too.

00:48:20Yeah.

00:48:22God damn it.

00:48:26I miss human contact,

00:48:27even on the phone for directory assistance.

00:48:29It's like,

00:48:30yes, city and state, please.

00:48:32Washington, D.C.

00:48:33What would you like?

00:48:34Constitution Hall.

00:48:36Did you say Kennedy Center?

00:48:37No.

00:48:41Constitution Hall.

00:48:42Did you say Congressional Balls?

00:48:44No.

00:48:46And it's such to become like the miracle worker.

00:48:49Constitution Hall.

00:48:53Did you say cocksucker?

00:48:54No, I didn't say cocksucker.

00:48:57Would you like to talk to a person?

00:48:59Fuck yes.

00:49:00If you'd like to talk to a person, press one.

00:49:02If you'd like to talk to someone in English, press two.

00:49:04Are you sure you don't want to talk to someone in Spanish?

00:49:06Press three.

00:49:08Press four if you'd like to move to the next menu.

00:49:10Press five if you're getting someone irritated.

00:49:12Press six if you're my bitch.

00:49:13Press seven if you know you want to.

00:49:15Press eight, daddy.

00:49:16Do it.

00:49:17Press nine.

00:49:17What are the chances of talking to a real person?

00:49:19Zero.

00:49:20Press it.

00:49:31Hello.

00:49:32Did you want to talk to a real person?

00:49:36Yes.

00:49:38Oh.

00:49:40Oh, God.

00:49:41Yes.

00:49:42Yes.

00:49:43Where are you?

00:49:45You're a real person.

00:49:46Very much so.

00:49:48Where are you?

00:49:49I'm on the phone with you.

00:49:52What is your name?

00:49:53Thomas Edison.

00:49:56Don't fuck with me, Thomas.

00:49:57Don't fuck with me, Mork.

00:49:58I know who you are.

00:50:03I know about you Googling cocksucker, so don't piss me off.

00:50:08And I have access to a nuclear device, and I can say it unlike your former president, so don't fucking

00:50:12piss me off.

00:50:13Change that light bulb.

00:50:14Change that light bulb.

00:50:20China is now outsourcing many American products as we speak.

00:50:23You send us your cat food, we send it back to you.

00:50:26Sorry about Kitty.

00:50:29We make your toys.

00:50:30Oh, Timmy can't take lead.

00:50:32How sad for him.

00:50:35And now Chinese families are adopting American lesbians.

00:50:38Payback is a bitch.

00:50:39Now!

00:50:43China makes a lot of money off us, but we're going to get some money back soon because they're going

00:50:46to open a Disneyland in Shanghai.

00:50:49It'll be cool.

00:50:50It'll have characters like Mickey Mao.

00:50:54There'll be duck Shaoping.

00:50:57You go down Main Street, there'll be 12 Donald ducks hanging upside down in the market.

00:51:00That'll be cool.

00:51:03And there'll be the Village People's Republic going, Young Mao, there's a place you can go.

00:51:08I say, Young Mao.

00:51:13And before the Olympics, the Tibetans were demonstrating against the Chinese.

00:51:19It was kind of sad, too, because the Chinese accused the Tibetans of being terrorists, which is weird.

00:51:24A Tibetan terrorist is like an Amish hacker.

00:51:26It just doesn't fit.

00:51:28And in California, we're going to boycott Chinese products in sympathy with the Tibetans.

00:51:33And you went, fuck, they make everything.

00:51:37And they even make the Free Tibet Stickers, so it's fucking insane.

00:51:43And the weird thing in the Chinese Olympics, Beijing, one of the most polluted cities in

00:51:47the world, during the Olympics, no pollution.

00:51:49How did they pull this off?

00:51:51I believe they sent one billion Chinese into Beijing.

00:51:53Everyone breathe in.

00:52:01And one of my favorite events during the Olympics was women's gymnastics, which is kind of a

00:52:05misnomer.

00:52:06These are not women.

00:52:06These are Shetland females.

00:52:09And some of the events are a little, like the uneven parallel bars.

00:52:13It's a bit like horizontal pole dancing.

00:52:15It's like, Daddy would like to watch this alone, if you don't mind.

00:52:19And who invented that event?

00:52:21Was there some German at a playground going, here's my idea for girls in tight clothing.

00:52:26I want you to put on spandex and then spin around on the upper bar and then slam your vagina

00:52:30into the lower bar.

00:52:31Spin around.

00:52:32Who's your daddy?

00:52:33Who's your daddy?

00:52:34Spread your legs.

00:52:35And then dismount and make it look like you had a good time.

00:52:44They do all this incredible stuff.

00:52:46And if their foot goes one inch to the right, you're fucked.

00:52:49And who invented the pommel horse?

00:52:51Was it a cowboy with ADD going, I'm on the horse, I'm off the horse, I'm on the horse,

00:52:54I'm off the horse, I'm on the horse.

00:52:55No.

00:52:56No.

00:52:57My favorite athletes of any Olympics are always the African distance runners.

00:53:02You never have to drug test an African distance runner.

00:53:04Are you on drugs?

00:53:06No.

00:53:07I'm looking for food.

00:53:10And I'm sure in Kenya, there is a chicken that runs a sub-two hour marathon.

00:53:17You just won the New York marathon.

00:53:19How do you feel?

00:53:20How do you feel?

00:53:23What did he say?

00:53:24He's wondering where the Ethiopians are.

00:53:27One of my favorite runners of all time was a Bibi Bakila.

00:53:30He was an Ethiopian distance runner and he won the Rome Olympics running barefoot.

00:53:34He was then sponsored by Adidas.

00:53:36He ran the next Olympics.

00:53:37He carried the fucking shoes.

00:53:41No performance enhancement there.

00:53:43No way.

00:53:44Because always people are looking for performance enhancement.

00:53:46Cut to the American swim team with their new porpoise foreskin swimsuits.

00:53:49Full body condom swimsuits.

00:53:51What the fuck was going on?

00:53:52These guys were shaved like a Brazilian hooker to begin with.

00:53:54What was going on?

00:53:55Was there one pubic hair like...

00:53:59And they put on that full body condom.

00:54:01Even the penis is like, I'm in here.

00:54:02Help me.

00:54:04But I realize the moment you do that, no nutsack drag.

00:54:07No.

00:54:08You're a Ken doll.

00:54:09What was it?

00:54:10You ready to swim?

00:54:10I think so.

00:54:13But no more...

00:54:13No more nutsack drag.

00:54:160.05 nutsack drag relief.

00:54:18Then you get to the end of the pool.

00:54:190.05 faster.

00:54:20Why?

00:54:20No nutsack drag.

00:54:22And the French got pissed off going, they have no nutsack drag.

00:54:25They're cheating.

00:54:27And Michael Phelps, he's on the box of Frosted Flakes.

00:54:30Then he gets caught smoking weed and they take him off a box of Frosted Flakes.

00:54:35This is a failure in marketing, my friends.

00:54:38Listen, if you're basically having Frosted Flakes and you're older than 10 years old and it's

00:54:43after 10 o'clock in the morning, I'm going to guess, weed may be involved.

00:54:53And you can't tell me, you can't tell me marijuana is a performance-enhancing drug.

00:54:57Fuck off.

00:54:58It's only a performance-enhancing drug if there's a fucking chocolate bar at the end of the pool.

00:55:03Then even a one-legged swimmer would go, I will beat your ass there.

00:55:08But performance enhancement doesn't always include drugs.

00:55:11Cut to Miss Semenya, the South African middle distance runner, who turns out to be a he-she.

00:55:16She's a hermaphrodite.

00:55:17She could have her own biathlon.

00:55:18Kind of neat.

00:55:20But this is not new.

00:55:22The East Germans used to have really butch female sprinters.

00:55:24Olga, you just won the 100 meters.

00:55:26How do you feel?

00:55:27Really good.

00:55:29Is that a penis?

00:55:30No.

00:55:32Just a very large clitoris.

00:55:34Wow.

00:55:36And the Germans used to give their athletes pure fucking speed.

00:55:39They would finish a race going, Hans, you just won the race.

00:55:42How do you feel?

00:55:42Wonderful.

00:55:43But the spiders are crawling all over me.

00:55:48And the one drug that seems to have the most problem with is steroids.

00:55:52And there are always these poor fuckers who get caught doing steroids, and they deny it,

00:55:56and yet they look like a Mardi Gras float.

00:55:58It's funny.

00:56:00Bubba, are you doing steroids?

00:56:01No.

00:56:04Where's your neck?

00:56:05I haven't seen her for a while.

00:56:10What about your balls?

00:56:11I don't know.

00:56:14And you're taking horse genome.

00:56:15No!

00:56:18No!

00:56:19And it's weird, too.

00:56:21And why would people take steroids in football?

00:56:23Well, in football, the object of the game is to be a big fucking mountain of flesh,

00:56:26breaking past another mountain of flesh, and grabbing a little guy and going,

00:56:29tell me about the rabbits.

00:56:30That's the game.

00:56:32But maybe if you're caught doing steroids, instead of kicking you off the team,

00:56:36you have to take another drug like ecstasy to compensate.

00:56:39It's going to make the huddles a lot more fun.

00:56:42You're going to come into the huddle like,

00:56:43hi, sorry about the long count.

00:56:48I just felt such love.

00:56:51And the other drug that people are doing is human growth hormone.

00:56:54I first heard about human growth hormone from Nick Nolte,

00:56:57who was telling me the advances of human growth hormone.

00:56:59He was telling me, he was like,

00:57:00Robin, human growth hormone is amazing.

00:57:03It's taking 20...

00:57:05He went fucking stiff as a board.

00:57:08And I went, I'll get back to you, Nick.

00:57:10Good luck.

00:57:12But there was one guy,

00:57:14one guy who had an amazing claim to fame in terms of drugs and sport.

00:57:19His name was Doc Ellis.

00:57:21And Doc Ellis did an incredible thing.

00:57:23The one person who knows, thank you.

00:57:26Doc Ellis pitched a no-hitter on LSD.

00:57:31Those who've taken LSD, tell the others how hard that might be.

00:57:37If I took LSD, I'd be talking to every blade of grass,

00:57:40like, sorry, sorry, sorry.

00:57:42To walk into a Major League Baseball stadium,

00:57:45like, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

00:57:49The whole field is like, rrrr.

00:57:52Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

00:57:54All the fans in the stadium, like, ah.

00:58:02The umpire walks out.

00:58:03It's Shiva.

00:58:04Hormagadila, hurr, safe strike.

00:58:06Hormagadila.

00:58:07Catcher steps out.

00:58:08Instead of a mask, he's wearing a samurai mask.

00:58:11Hormagadila.

00:58:12Instead of a glove, it's a vagina.

00:58:13Come to daddy.

00:58:16Batter walks out.

00:58:17Instead of cleats, he's got hooves.

00:58:18Yes.

00:58:19Instead of a bat, it's a cobra.

00:58:22You walk out on the mound, even your glove's going,

00:58:24like, this is fucking weird.

00:58:27The ball.

00:58:27Yes, I love you.

00:58:28Let's do this.

00:58:29Do it, daddy, do it.

00:58:30Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

00:58:33Ah!

00:58:35Pass the cobra.

00:58:36Into the vagina.

00:58:38Hormagadila.

00:58:39Hormagadila.

00:58:40For nine fucking innings?

00:58:44Fuck me.

00:58:51It's like, wow.

00:58:54He should have his own black light room at the Hall of Fame.

00:58:59When I was growing up, they used to say,

00:59:01Robin, drugs can kill you.

00:59:03And now that I'm 58, my doctor's going,

00:59:06Robin, you need drugs to live.

00:59:10And I realized my doctor's my dealer now

00:59:13and a lot harder to get a hold of.

00:59:16And he's always giving me free samples like,

00:59:18yo, Rambo, some Lipitor, motherfucker.

00:59:21Try it out.

00:59:24That's all I can hook you up with right now.

00:59:26I got an HMO on my back, baby.

00:59:27That's all I can do.

00:59:30And it's weird, too.

00:59:31And these drugs have side effects

00:59:32that go on for fucking days,

00:59:33like tendency to grow another head.

00:59:35Oh, my God.

00:59:37When we were growing up,

00:59:37we knew the side effects of the drugs we were taking.

00:59:40Cocaine.

00:59:40Side effects were paranoia.

00:59:41Ninjas on the lawn.

00:59:42I remember that.

00:59:44Quaalude.

00:59:45Side effects were talking in tongues,

00:59:47English as a second language.

00:59:48I remember that.

00:59:49Marijuana.

00:59:50Side effects were laughter, frosted flakes.

00:59:52That's all I remember.

00:59:53But now there are side effects

00:59:55which fucking rival the syndrome.

00:59:56There's a syndrome called restless leg syndrome.

00:59:59What the fuck is that?

01:00:00A tendency to break out in the river dance,

01:00:02like, oh, dear Christ.

01:00:05Grandma's got fucking restless leg syndrome.

01:00:08Take care, kids.

01:00:10I'm on my way to Dublin.

01:00:11Take care.

01:00:15And side effects include compulsive gambling

01:00:17and obsessive sexual behavior.

01:00:20That's not a side effect.

01:00:21That's fucking vagus.

01:00:24They should just give you a bus ticket

01:00:25and say, good luck.

01:00:27And how soon before they have a drug

01:00:29where side effects may include

01:00:31rectal ventriloquism.

01:00:35If your asshole starts talking,

01:00:37call a doctor.

01:00:39Or get friends over

01:00:40because it's going to be a fun night.

01:00:43And what a great side effect for a politician.

01:00:45I was never with that woman.

01:00:47Liar!

01:00:50Liar!

01:00:51He's an asshole and so am I!

01:00:56And the one drug they give you

01:00:58that's kind of wonderful before the surgery

01:00:59was Viagra.

01:01:01Great drug.

01:01:01Amazing.

01:01:02A lot of fun.

01:01:03After open heart surgery,

01:01:05not so much fun.

01:01:06Taking Viagra after open heart surgery

01:01:08is like a Civil War reenactment

01:01:09with live ammo.

01:01:10Not good.

01:01:12It's a duel to the death

01:01:13between your dick and your heart.

01:01:15The moment you take it,

01:01:16your penis is like,

01:01:17I'm 25!

01:01:18Yes!

01:01:19Let's do this!

01:01:19And your heart's going,

01:01:20bullshit!

01:01:21Bullshit!

01:01:22We're just back online,

01:01:24you asshole!

01:01:25Slow down,

01:01:26I'm going to put a cramp in your calf.

01:01:27Ah!

01:01:29And your penis is going,

01:01:30I've still got the hips ramming speed.

01:01:32Let's do this!

01:01:33And your heart's going,

01:01:34I'm throwing your back out.

01:01:35Fuck off!

01:01:36Ah!

01:01:37And the penis is going,

01:01:38I'm still hard.

01:01:39We're going in.

01:01:40Ah!

01:01:41And the heart's going,

01:01:41when I'm opening up your asshole,

01:01:42pfft,

01:01:43ah!

01:01:44Ah!

01:01:46Are you coming?

01:01:47No,

01:01:48I think I'm fucking dying!

01:01:51And when you finally do cum,

01:01:53after an hour,

01:01:54and after an hour,

01:01:55even my penis is going,

01:01:56I got shit to do!

01:02:00After an hour,

01:02:01when you finally cum,

01:02:02it's like,

01:02:02ah!

01:02:04Peeah!

01:02:05One drop of sperm.

01:02:10With two 50-year-old sperms going,

01:02:12where the fuck are we?

01:02:15I never thought I'd be called into action.

01:02:17This is crazy.

01:02:20I'm sure if you had a microscope,

01:02:22they both would have walkers like,

01:02:23keep moving!

01:02:26My tail is cramping.

01:02:28God damn it!

01:02:31Head towards the tits.

01:02:32I know my way from there.

01:02:36And I'm sure there's two other sperms

01:02:38in my balls going,

01:02:38wait here!

01:02:40If she puts a finger in the ass,

01:02:42then we go!

01:02:45Yes, indeed!

01:02:49But,

01:02:51there's another drug.

01:02:53Another drug they don't tell you is a drug.

01:02:56It's a class 4 narcotic.

01:02:57Alcohol.

01:02:58And the only warning they have

01:02:59on a bottle of alcohol is,

01:03:00don't drink this if you're pregnant.

01:03:01Bullshit,

01:03:01that's how you got pregnant,

01:03:02number one.

01:03:05And alcohol is especially dangerous

01:03:07for people like myself,

01:03:08alcoholics.

01:03:09Or you can say,

01:03:10ethanol challenge,

01:03:11whatever you want to call it.

01:03:13And people are going to,

01:03:13Robin,

01:03:14how do I know if I'm an alcoholic?

01:03:15Well, as one,

01:03:16let me give you some warning signs.

01:03:18Number one,

01:03:19after a night of heavy drinking,

01:03:20you wake up fully clothed going,

01:03:22hey!

01:03:23Somebody's shit in my pants.

01:03:32Number two,

01:03:34you have a couple of cocktails,

01:03:35you find yourself on the freeway going,

01:03:37what are these fuckers doing going the wrong way?

01:03:39Number two.

01:03:42Number three,

01:03:43you get drunk,

01:03:44you go out for Indian food,

01:03:45you wake up in Bombay

01:03:46with a camel licking your balls.

01:03:49Ta-da!

01:03:50You are an alcoholic.

01:03:53And some people say,

01:03:54Robin,

01:03:54I'm a functioning alcoholic.

01:03:56Which is,

01:03:57you can be one,

01:03:57it's like being a paraplegic lab dancer.

01:03:59You can do it.

01:04:01Just not as well as the others,

01:04:03really.

01:04:05And they say,

01:04:06alcoholism is peer pressure.

01:04:08Bullshit.

01:04:08Peer pressure for an alcoholic is,

01:04:10come here.

01:04:12And I believe alcoholics are God's rodeo clowns.

01:04:15We're the ones doing the stupid shit

01:04:17nobody else will do.

01:04:18We're the ones coming on a shoot number five

01:04:19on a fifth of vodka,

01:04:20like,

01:04:22looking for a woman who's going,

01:04:24you're the one.

01:04:24Yeah!

01:04:26And we're moody little motherfuckers too,

01:04:28because we'll be like,

01:04:29God damn it,

01:04:29man.

01:04:30I love you.

01:04:31I'll fucking kill you.

01:04:34Step outside,

01:04:34I'll kick my ass.

01:04:35God damn it,

01:04:36let's do this.

01:04:37Poor me.

01:04:38God damn,

01:04:39poor me.

01:04:40Pour me another drink.

01:04:44And we think we're sexy too,

01:04:45because we'll come up to women going like,

01:04:47hey baby,

01:04:48were your parents retarded

01:04:49because you sure are special?

01:04:57And we see nothing wrong with that.

01:05:00We've got backup.

01:05:01If that doesn't work,

01:05:01we'll go,

01:05:02hey,

01:05:02sit on my face,

01:05:02I'll guess your weight.

01:05:03Ha ha ha ha ha.

01:05:05Yeah!

01:05:06Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

01:05:08And ladies,

01:05:09if you take an alcoholic home for the night,

01:05:10oh,

01:05:11good luck.

01:05:12You're in for a fun evening.

01:05:13It's like playing poo with a rope.

01:05:15Good fucking luck.

01:05:16He'll be like,

01:05:17I love you!

01:05:18Ha ha ha!

01:05:19I love you!

01:05:21And the next morning,

01:05:22that all-important question,

01:05:24who the fuck are you?

01:05:30Oh my God!

01:05:31Well,

01:05:31at least I get a sweater.

01:05:32Cool.

01:05:32Fuck it up.

01:05:35Because you see,

01:05:35as an alcoholic,

01:05:36you will violate your standards

01:05:38quicker than you can lower them.

01:05:39You will do shit

01:05:40that even the devil would go,

01:05:41dude.

01:05:44And there's a voice

01:05:45that tells alcoholics

01:05:46we can drink.

01:05:47It's the same voice you hear

01:05:48if you can go up to the top

01:05:50of a very large building

01:05:51and you look over the side,

01:05:52there's a little voice that goes,

01:05:53jump!

01:05:55You can fly!

01:05:58Even though your asshole's going,

01:05:59no, you can't!

01:06:01And if you ever thought about

01:06:02jumping off a tall building,

01:06:04there was a guy who jumped

01:06:05off the Golden Gate Bridge.

01:06:06He survived.

01:06:06And he said this,

01:06:07he said,

01:06:08halfway down,

01:06:09I thought it was a bad idea.

01:06:12And some things you may want

01:06:14to stay away from

01:06:14while drinking heavily,

01:06:16eBay,

01:06:16not a good idea.

01:06:19eBay and alcoholism,

01:06:20perfect storm of addiction.

01:06:21You'll find yourself

01:06:22up to your ass

01:06:22in George Foreman grills

01:06:24and chamwows.

01:06:26Another thing you don't want

01:06:27to do while really drunk

01:06:28is get a tattoo.

01:06:29I did.

01:06:30I got really loaded.

01:06:31I got a tattoo in Mandarin

01:06:32that says happiness

01:06:33and laughter right here.

01:06:34I think it says that.

01:06:35I've never had a Chinese person

01:06:36that close to my balls

01:06:37going,

01:06:37that's what it says.

01:06:40But I had a friend

01:06:41get really fucked up

01:06:42and he got a tattoo in Mandarin

01:06:43that's supposed to say

01:06:43Golden Warrior

01:06:44and a Chinese friend said,

01:06:45no, it says ass monkey.

01:06:48Then the idiot went out

01:06:49and got drunk again

01:06:50and got a tattoo in Hindu

01:06:51that was supposed to say

01:06:52Dawn of Enlightenment

01:06:52and a Hindu friend said,

01:06:54no, it says deliveries

01:06:54on Tuesday.

01:06:56So he is now

01:06:57the ass monkey

01:06:58who delivers on Tuesday

01:06:59for the rest of his life.

01:07:00And girls,

01:07:01if you want to get

01:07:02that lovely tattoo

01:07:03of the sunrise

01:07:03rising out of your ass crack,

01:07:05gorgeous when you're 20,

01:07:06but when you're 50,

01:07:07it's an octopus

01:07:07chasing a fucking starfish.

01:07:11So no.

01:07:14be careful.

01:07:20And if they made a drug

01:07:21that allowed you to drink

01:07:22and not get drunk,

01:07:23an alcoholic would go,

01:07:24what happens if you take two?

01:07:25No.

01:07:26Because we have these things

01:07:27called blackouts as alcoholics.

01:07:29It's not really blackouts.

01:07:30It's more like sleepwalking

01:07:31with activities.

01:07:32Kind of strange.

01:07:33I believe it's your conscience

01:07:35going into a witness

01:07:35protection program.

01:07:38It's your conscience going,

01:07:39you're about to fuck a hobbit.

01:07:42I gotta go.

01:07:43Good luck.

01:07:45I'm gonna leave the dick on

01:07:46and after an hour

01:07:47I'm opening up the asshole,

01:07:48but that didn't stop you Tuesday.

01:07:49Good luck.

01:07:49Take care.

01:07:52And alcoholics,

01:07:52we're like assholes.

01:07:53We can't wait to shit on everybody.

01:07:55Family, friends,

01:07:56we'll be like,

01:07:56fuck you,

01:07:57fuck you,

01:07:58fuck you,

01:07:59go fuck yourself,

01:08:00fuck you,

01:08:00fuck you.

01:08:02I'm fucked.

01:08:05And they tried to send

01:08:06my ass to rehab

01:08:06and I went,

01:08:07yeah,

01:08:08yeah,

01:08:08yeah.

01:08:09And I went to rehab

01:08:10in wine country

01:08:10just to keep my options open.

01:08:15And while I was in rehab,

01:08:17I read an article

01:08:17in the Enquirer

01:08:18about my being drunk

01:08:19and it was like,

01:08:19that poor fuck,

01:08:20oh fuck,

01:08:20that's me.

01:08:22Now,

01:08:23weird thing too

01:08:23about when you read

01:08:24articles in the Enquirer

01:08:25or TMZ

01:08:26and you're looking

01:08:27at all these assholes

01:08:27going,

01:08:28those poor motherfuckers,

01:08:29look at that.

01:08:29And only the Germans

01:08:30could come up

01:08:31with a word for that,

01:08:32feeling pleasure

01:08:33at other people's misfortune.

01:08:34It's called

01:08:35Schadenfreude.

01:08:36And only the Germans

01:08:36could go,

01:08:37we found a fucking word

01:08:38for that,

01:08:38God bless you.

01:08:40And I was once

01:08:41on a German talk show

01:08:42and if you want to go on one,

01:08:43it's a lot of fun.

01:08:44It's really fun.

01:08:45And I was on this German talk show

01:08:47and this woman said to me,

01:08:47she said,

01:08:48Mr. Williams,

01:08:49why do you think

01:08:50there's not so much comedy

01:08:51in Germany?

01:08:52And I said,

01:08:53did you ever think

01:08:53you killed

01:08:53all the funny people?

01:09:01And here's what got interesting.

01:09:05She didn't bat an eyelash,

01:09:06she just went,

01:09:06no.

01:09:08At that point,

01:09:09even God's going,

01:09:10do you get it?

01:09:12German comedy,

01:09:13knock, knock,

01:09:13we ask the questions.

01:09:16It's like the French production

01:09:17of Anne Frank,

01:09:18she's upstairs.

01:09:20And we have a German pope now.

01:09:22How do you get a German pope?

01:09:24Well, it's a tough gig.

01:09:25They don't retire the jersey

01:09:26like Magic Johnson.

01:09:27You stay in the chair

01:09:28to the bitter end.

01:09:29Remember John Paul II?

01:09:30It was like,

01:09:44We're lucky

01:09:44we didn't have dementia

01:09:45in Yankee Stadium going,

01:09:46everybody gets pudding!

01:09:50Chocolate pudding!

01:09:51Chocolate pudding!

01:09:54And when the pope dies,

01:09:56the Vatican finds out

01:09:57you're dead

01:09:58the old-fashioned way.

01:09:59They have a guy

01:09:59come with a silver hammer,

01:10:00not Maxwell,

01:10:01but he comes

01:10:02and he basically comes in

01:10:03and he goes,

01:10:04and if the pope goes,

01:10:06one more week,

01:10:07he's got another week.

01:10:09And the moment the pope dies,

01:10:11they take him through

01:10:12St. Peter's Basilica

01:10:13and 50,000 cell phones

01:10:14are like,

01:10:16and I'm sure that was

01:10:17his last wish.

01:10:19When I die,

01:10:20I want to be a screensaver.

01:10:23And then what happens?

01:10:25The College of Cardinals,

01:10:26they all go into

01:10:27a small dark room

01:10:28and the only thing

01:10:28that comes out is smoke

01:10:29and I'm going,

01:10:30what are you doing in there?

01:10:34And I believe

01:10:35they have da Vinci's hookah

01:10:36and they're inside

01:10:37getting a little loaded

01:10:38going,

01:10:39I got a crazy idea.

01:10:42No, no, no, wait, wait,

01:10:43wait, listen,

01:10:44this is crazy,

01:10:44no, wait.

01:10:45The last pope was Polish,

01:10:47right?

01:10:47Yeah, no, no, no,

01:10:48this is a good one.

01:10:49No, wait, hold on.

01:10:50How about this?

01:10:51No, wait,

01:10:51this is crazy.

01:10:52How about this?

01:10:53A Nazi.

01:10:56No, no, Hitler Youth.

01:10:58It's like Boy Scouts

01:10:59with artillery.

01:11:00It's great.

01:11:01It'll scare the shit

01:11:01out of the Jews.

01:11:02They'll be like,

01:11:03oh!

01:11:04And I was hoping

01:11:05rather than a German pope,

01:11:07they would do something cool

01:11:08like a Latin American pope,

01:11:10man.

01:11:10That would have been cool

01:11:11like Pope Enrique.

01:11:14Yeah, that would be cool

01:11:16and they have

01:11:16the cool popemobile

01:11:17like Ave Maria.

01:11:19Check it out.

01:11:23Or Brazilian pope

01:11:24because then you could have

01:11:25the sambandans

01:11:25in the thongs going,

01:11:26come on back to the church.

01:11:28Come on back to the church.

01:11:30You know you want

01:11:31to come back to the church.

01:11:32Come on back to the church.

01:11:33And I'm sure the kids

01:11:34will go, fuck the internet.

01:11:35I'm going back to church.

01:11:38But it's weird.

01:11:40The Vatican

01:11:40and homosexuality

01:11:41oil, water.

01:11:43The pope is always,

01:11:45homosexuality is an abomination.

01:11:46Time out.

01:11:47You're the pope?

01:11:48Yes.

01:11:49You're dressed like

01:11:50Freddie Mercury's stunt double.

01:11:53Your purse is on fire

01:11:55and you're surrounded

01:11:56by hundreds of boys

01:11:57and you've had kind of a problem

01:11:59in the after school area.

01:12:01And why is there a problem

01:12:02with pedophilia

01:12:03in the Catholic church?

01:12:04Well, it's a big deal.

01:12:05You become a priest,

01:12:06retire this,

01:12:07and once a week

01:12:08we're going to put you

01:12:09in a small dark box

01:12:10and people are going to tell you

01:12:11their nastiest sexual shit.

01:12:14Bless me, father,

01:12:15for I have sinned.

01:12:17Yes, my son?

01:12:18Last night I had sex

01:12:20with two Thai twins,

01:12:21a slip and slide,

01:12:24a diving helmet,

01:12:26and a ferret.

01:12:30Could you say that slower, my son?

01:12:34And I believe the Vatican's

01:12:35going to come out one day

01:12:36and come out big.

01:12:37It's going to be,

01:12:37in nomine patre,

01:12:39as filio, spirito, sancto,

01:12:42one secular sensation,

01:12:44all the folks you meet,

01:12:46da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da,

01:12:47one singular salvation,

01:12:51everyone on the street,

01:12:52da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

01:12:54And there still will be

01:12:55the evangelicals going,

01:12:58homosexuality is a sickness,

01:12:59and this same reverend

01:13:00will be caught buying crack

01:13:01from a gay prostitute going,

01:13:03we were just playing tummy swords.

01:13:06And then he'll deny it going,

01:13:08I did not perform a homosexual act.

01:13:10No, you didn't.

01:13:10Elton John's a homosexual act.

01:13:12You just blew that guy.

01:13:12It's okay.

01:13:15And this reverend went to rehab

01:13:16for homosexuality.

01:13:17I'm going,

01:13:18I was in rehab.

01:13:19I didn't see that wing.

01:13:21There was no cockenders

01:13:22in my rehab.

01:13:24And it's homosexuality,

01:13:25a pre-existing condition,

01:13:26what the fuck?

01:13:28And the other people

01:13:29that come out against

01:13:29the whole thing

01:13:30are the Mormons.

01:13:31They came out against

01:13:32gay marriage big time.

01:13:33And with gay marriage,

01:13:34you couldn't even say gay marriage

01:13:35in California.

01:13:36You couldn't call it gay marriage.

01:13:37You were saying,

01:13:37what do we call it?

01:13:38We'll call it same-sex marriage.

01:13:40And people who've been married

01:13:41for a long time are going,

01:13:42that's a little redundant.

01:13:43If you've been married a long time,

01:13:44it's always the same sex.

01:13:45Shut the fuck up.

01:13:47What?

01:13:49And then they said,

01:13:50we'll call it a union.

01:13:51Then the union guys get pissed,

01:13:52going, it's not a fucking union.

01:13:55It's not local cocksucker's

01:13:57number 69.

01:14:01And you're going,

01:14:01wait a minute,

01:14:02Canada has gay marriage.

01:14:03You want all the gay people

01:14:05to immigrate to Canada?

01:14:06Then they'll win figure skating

01:14:07for the next 200 years.

01:14:08No!

01:14:10They're already the nicest people

01:14:11on the planet.

01:14:12You want them to be

01:14:12the best dressed?

01:14:13That's bullshit.

01:14:15And the whole thing,

01:14:16and we talked briefly

01:14:17about this before,

01:14:18the other people

01:14:18that come out against gay marriage

01:14:19were the Mormons.

01:14:20Basically, the Mormons,

01:14:22the people who used to be

01:14:22polygamy.

01:14:23They used to perfect polygamy.

01:14:24A Mormon giving marital advice

01:14:26is like the Octomom

01:14:27running a Planned Parenthood clinic.

01:14:30And if the answer

01:14:32to who's your daddy

01:14:32is multiple choice,

01:14:34come with me, my friend.

01:14:36And who thought polygamy

01:14:37was a great idea?

01:14:38Who got married and went,

01:14:40my one marriage

01:14:41isn't going so bad.

01:14:42I'd like to double down.

01:14:45Fuck off, man.

01:14:47And if you,

01:14:48why would you want

01:14:48another strong opinion?

01:14:49Even if you marry

01:14:50a deaf and a blind girl,

01:14:51they will fucking communicate.

01:14:53And they will work out

01:14:54that you are the asshole.

01:14:57And in marriage,

01:14:58I've learned this.

01:14:58In marriage,

01:14:59there's penalties

01:15:00for early withdrawal

01:15:00and depositing

01:15:02in another account.

01:15:02Remember that.

01:15:05And alimony

01:15:06doesn't stop people.

01:15:07Alimony,

01:15:07look at a guy.

01:15:08You can call it all the money

01:15:09and guys would still be going,

01:15:10I'm in, let's do this.

01:15:11Look at Donald Trump.

01:15:12He's always going like,

01:15:13this one's broken,

01:15:14bring me another one.

01:15:16But maybe there should be

01:15:17a three-strike law

01:15:18with marriage.

01:15:18If you want to get married

01:15:19for a fourth time,

01:15:20you have to give up

01:15:21a body part.

01:15:22Then he might slow people down.

01:15:23Like, Bob,

01:15:24how many times

01:15:24you've been married?

01:15:25Four times, Robin.

01:15:27Ted, how many times

01:15:28you've been married?

01:15:29Four times,

01:15:30four times,

01:15:30four times.

01:15:32Larry King

01:15:33would just be

01:15:33a fucking head on a stick.

01:15:38And

01:15:41you talk about

01:15:42intelligent design.

01:15:43Look at the human body.

01:15:44It's a waste processing plant

01:15:45near a recreation area.

01:15:46How intelligent is that?

01:15:48And they say

01:15:49the platypus

01:15:50was an animal

01:15:51designed by committee.

01:15:52Was the human body

01:15:53designed by committee?

01:15:54Was there a group of guys

01:15:54who designed it?

01:15:55Was the guy going,

01:15:55Tom,

01:15:56do you have those designs

01:15:57for the human

01:15:57reproductive system?

01:15:58I do, Ted.

01:15:59Let's show you

01:15:59what we came up with.

01:16:00Normally,

01:16:01with the mammal penis,

01:16:01we have the retractable.

01:16:03We decided to do

01:16:04something different

01:16:04for the mammal penis

01:16:05for the human.

01:16:06We call it the collapsible.

01:16:07Kind of fun.

01:16:09And look at this.

01:16:10Murray came up with the idea

01:16:11of making the covering optional.

01:16:12Thank you, Murray.

01:16:13Way to go.

01:16:14And we take the covering off.

01:16:16It's a little sharp,

01:16:16a little pointy.

01:16:17We need something on the top

01:16:18to soften it up.

01:16:19Bob,

01:16:19what was your idea?

01:16:20A mushroom cap.

01:16:21Thank you, Bob.

01:16:23We put the mushroom cap

01:16:24on the top

01:16:24and it's kind of cool

01:16:25because when it's retracted,

01:16:26it looks like a little toadstool

01:16:27and when it's erect,

01:16:28like a little soldier.

01:16:30And Tim put a piece

01:16:31of string up at the top.

01:16:32Thank you, Tim.

01:16:33I guess to tune it.

01:16:34Thank you, Tim.

01:16:35And we run the semen

01:16:36out the top

01:16:36and urine through.

01:16:37We also run urine through there.

01:16:38We call it multitasking

01:16:39or coming and going.

01:16:42Kind of a fun concept.

01:16:44And initially,

01:16:45we just had the sperm

01:16:46stored inside the penis itself

01:16:48like a toothpaste tube.

01:16:49Gone.

01:16:50So we needed something

01:16:51to store it in

01:16:52and produce it.

01:16:53What was your idea, Carl?

01:16:54Nuts.

01:16:55Thank you, Carl.

01:16:57Initially, we used walnuts.

01:16:58We've had good luck

01:16:58with those in the past

01:16:59and the human males

01:17:01are going,

01:17:01we can't sneak up

01:17:01on the females.

01:17:02What do you mean?

01:17:03Listen.

01:17:06Got it.

01:17:08Forget the coconuts.

01:17:09Let's try something different.

01:17:11Bob, what was your idea

01:17:12to replace them?

01:17:13Balls.

01:17:14Balls.

01:17:15Who doesn't like balls?

01:17:17What fun.

01:17:17Initially, we used three balls

01:17:19and here's some of the tests

01:17:20with the three balls.

01:17:21They were going everywhere.

01:17:22The male was like

01:17:23playing with the balls,

01:17:24playing with the balls.

01:17:25And we went,

01:17:25we better put those in a bag.

01:17:26So we decided to make a bag

01:17:30and the only thing we had

01:17:31lying around

01:17:32was some old turkey neck.

01:17:33I said, use it.

01:17:34Let's try it.

01:17:39So we put the balls

01:17:40in the turkey neck

01:17:41and it's ugly.

01:17:48I think, yeah,

01:17:53next to the asshole

01:17:54it's one of the uglier things

01:17:55we made, really.

01:17:57And we got some negative feedback

01:17:58from the females.

01:17:59They're going,

01:17:59we're not going down there

01:18:00unless you cover that up.

01:18:01Okay.

01:18:02So we put some garnish around it

01:18:04and initially we made the hair straight.

01:18:07The females,

01:18:08my eyes?

01:18:08Okay.

01:18:10Curly.

01:18:10We've got curly hair.

01:18:11And initially we put the hair

01:18:13everywhere,

01:18:14even the top of the penis.

01:18:15And it looked like my Uncle Phil.

01:18:17Like, hey, how are you?

01:18:20So we just went with a topiary thing

01:18:22which was kind of fun.

01:18:24And then the females went,

01:18:25we'll go down there now.

01:18:26Thank you, ladies.

01:18:28Which is cool

01:18:28because you can start the penis

01:18:30orally.

01:18:31Manually.

01:18:32Thank you, Manuel,

01:18:32for finding that out.

01:18:35Finger in the ass,

01:18:36Ted found that out.

01:18:38He said it was an accident.

01:18:41Kidder.

01:18:43And if you play with the balls,

01:18:45the penis likes that.

01:18:46It's kind of fun.

01:18:47But we did find out

01:18:48a negative thing about the balls.

01:18:49If you hit them really hard,

01:18:51it's a total system reset.

01:18:55It's like...

01:18:58If it was a slot machine,

01:18:59it would pay.

01:19:00It was kind of rough.

01:19:02But that's essentially

01:19:03the design for the penis.

01:19:04Initially, we gave the male

01:19:05about 800 sperms

01:19:06and those were gone

01:19:07in a millisecond.

01:19:08And now we give him

01:19:09eight to nine billion

01:19:10and he shoots them everywhere.

01:19:12Tits, drapes.

01:19:14We found some on the ceiling.

01:19:15Those are the overachievers.

01:19:18We hope some make it

01:19:19to the vagina.

01:19:20In terms of the vagina,

01:19:21Carl's in charge

01:19:22of the Vagina Project.

01:19:23Carl, what did you come up with?

01:19:24Well, normally with the mammal vagina,

01:19:26you have the genital slit or opening.

01:19:27We decided to accessorize it.

01:19:29What did you accessorize it with, Carl?

01:19:31Curtains.

01:19:34We just thought it makes it

01:19:35less of an opening

01:19:35and more of a show, really.

01:19:37Kind of...

01:19:38And we had some old lips

01:19:39lying around.

01:19:40We said, try those.

01:19:41Let's give it a go.

01:19:42And initially,

01:19:43we made it horizontal

01:19:44and the damn thing talked.

01:19:52It was weird.

01:19:55And the first time it talked,

01:19:56the mails were going,

01:19:57I'm not going down there

01:19:57if it talks.

01:20:00I've already got one opinion up here.

01:20:01I don't need a second one.

01:20:04Fine.

01:20:05So now we made it vertical

01:20:07and now it just farts.

01:20:08So...

01:20:09And the first time it went off,

01:20:10it was like,

01:20:11easy, big fella.

01:20:13And the asshole got offended

01:20:14saying,

01:20:15that's my job.

01:20:15Okay, hold on.

01:20:17Yours will smell.

01:20:18Not to worry.

01:20:19Not to worry.

01:20:20But we needed something

01:20:21kind of special.

01:20:22One last little thing

01:20:23that will really work

01:20:24and Clint came up

01:20:25with a brilliant idea

01:20:26and I think we're going to name...

01:20:28It's kind of wonderful.

01:20:29Clint, what was your idea?

01:20:30A doorbell.

01:20:31Thank you, Clint.

01:20:33You ring the doorbell,

01:20:34the curtain's open.

01:20:35It's kind of fun.

01:20:36Some guys can't find it.

01:20:38Others don't know

01:20:38when to stop ringing it.

01:20:41But you ring the doorbell,

01:20:42the curtain's open,

01:20:43the penis goes inside

01:20:44and Tom worked out

01:20:45some choreography for the balls.

01:20:46It's kind of fun.

01:20:47That's really...

01:20:56It gets everything ready to go

01:20:58and the sperms fly out

01:21:00up into the human female.

01:21:01She carries the egg.

01:21:02Normally we gave it...

01:21:03We tried first giving the egg

01:21:04to the male.

01:21:05He kept losing it.

01:21:06We went, fine.

01:21:08We gave it to the female.

01:21:09She carries it

01:21:10and then we thought

01:21:10the male will be in charge

01:21:11of feeding the infant.

01:21:12We gave the human male

01:21:14two basic breasts

01:21:15and the male was like,

01:21:16okay, nipples, that's all.

01:21:18We thought the female

01:21:19will be in charge

01:21:19of feeding the infant too

01:21:20so we gave her six breasts

01:21:22like a mammal

01:21:22and the male was like,

01:21:23ha, ha, ha, ha.

01:21:25Two hands, two tits.

01:21:26That's it.

01:21:29So the female

01:21:31will carry the infant

01:21:32to term

01:21:33and it will come out

01:21:33through the curtains

01:21:36and they get wide

01:21:38like Broadway

01:21:41and she will also

01:21:42feed the infant.

01:21:43The male will assist.

01:21:47But we do have

01:21:48one major design flaw.

01:21:49We've tried to wire

01:21:50the penis to the conscience

01:21:51and it keeps short-circuiting.

01:21:55And it's weird too,

01:21:56the whole thing.

01:21:56I mean, ever since

01:21:57I was a little boy

01:21:57it was like,

01:21:58first time I was cleaning it,

01:21:59it went off.

01:22:00I'm sorry.

01:22:01And then later on

01:22:02it was like,

01:22:02breasts, breasts, breasts,

01:22:04ha, ha, ha, ha.

01:22:05Vagina, vagina, vagina.

01:22:07And by the time you get

01:22:08to be 58

01:22:10it gets a little more difficult.

01:22:13Okay, here's what you gotta do.

01:22:15You put a sparkler in your ass.

01:22:19I'll set my pubic hair on fire.

01:22:21You put on a German army helmet.

01:22:24You jump off the couch

01:22:25yelling, fire in the hole.

01:22:29That might work.

01:22:29I don't know.

01:22:32And then,

01:22:35if that doesn't work

01:22:36there's always pornography.

01:22:38And the definition of pornography

01:22:39is quite simple.

01:22:39Erotic is using a feather.

01:22:41Pornography is using

01:22:42the entire chicken,

01:22:43which is weird.

01:22:44And I've been watching

01:22:45a little bit of porn

01:22:46since I've been on the road.

01:22:47A little.

01:22:47Shut up.

01:22:49And with porn movies

01:22:50they don't have

01:22:50coming attractions

01:22:51because if it was

01:22:52you'd be like,

01:22:52oh, done, thank you, fine.

01:22:54With porn movies

01:22:55when you're watching them

01:22:56it's basically

01:22:57they're an hour and a half long.

01:22:59And who watches

01:22:59an entire fucking porn movie?

01:23:02One guy up there

01:23:03going, I do.

01:23:05But an hour and a half long

01:23:07even with fast forwarding

01:23:08fast forwarding

01:23:09you're like,

01:23:14what?

01:23:17No!

01:23:18And the one thing

01:23:19you don't want with porn

01:23:20is basically slow motion

01:23:21because it's like

01:23:35and the acting

01:23:37in porn movies

01:23:38is always so bad

01:23:39there's always that one girl

01:23:40who's like

01:23:43It's not Miss America

01:23:44stay with the dick

01:23:45what are you doing?

01:23:48And why do they always

01:23:49have to have such bad actors

01:23:50who are always like

01:23:51I'm going to fuck you

01:23:54so hard.

01:23:55Even my right hand

01:23:56is going

01:23:56I don't believe him.

01:23:59But there's scripts

01:24:00there's scripts

01:24:01for porn movies

01:24:01somebody's writing this stuff

01:24:02going

01:24:02I'm going to fuck you

01:24:05so hard.

01:24:10You little whore

01:24:11Okay, that's it for today

01:24:14And then they're

01:24:14on a porn movie set

01:24:15going

01:24:15I'm going to fuck you

01:24:16Line!

01:24:19Fuck your heart

01:24:19you little whore

01:24:20Thank you

01:24:20I just need a moment

01:24:22And that's fucking weird too

01:24:23and there's been porn

01:24:24for centuries

01:24:25Was there radio porn?

01:24:27Was there George Burns

01:24:27going

01:24:28Well, teabag me Gracie

01:24:29I don't know

01:24:31Did John Wayne

01:24:32have a broke back

01:24:32mountain moment

01:24:33of going

01:24:33Well, stuffy

01:24:34we're going up

01:24:35the old jism trail

01:24:36right now

01:24:37God damn it

01:24:38here we go

01:24:39And Walter Brennan

01:24:40going

01:24:40Oh, Duke

01:24:40you're tearing

01:24:41my ass apart

01:24:42God damn

01:24:42I can't quit you

01:24:44I can't

01:24:44God damn quit you

01:24:45Was Gregory Peck

01:24:47going

01:24:47I'm going to

01:24:48glaze you

01:24:48like a Danish

01:24:52Did Jimmy Stewart

01:24:53basically go

01:24:54Well, just play

01:24:55with my balls

01:24:56just a little bit

01:24:56Yeah

01:24:58Just jangle

01:24:58the twins around

01:24:59and put a finger

01:25:00in my hiney

01:25:01if you're a friend

01:25:02Yeah

01:25:03Two if you're a pal

01:25:05Yeah

01:25:08There's one guy

01:25:09who could do porn

01:25:09and I think

01:25:10we all would watch

01:25:10That guy

01:25:11is Chris Walken

01:25:12Oh, God, yes

01:25:14Oh, my God

01:25:15He would be amazing

01:25:16Chris would be up there

01:25:17going

01:25:17I'm

01:25:19inside you

01:25:23So deep inside

01:25:24you

01:25:25now

01:25:25fucking you

01:25:26now

01:25:27inside you

01:25:27deep inside

01:25:28you

01:25:28now

01:25:29yes

01:25:29now

01:25:30I came

01:25:31an hour ago

01:25:36and it's not bad

01:25:37enough they make

01:25:38porn movies

01:25:38they make porn movies

01:25:39of my movies

01:25:40they make

01:25:41goodwill humping

01:25:42it's okay

01:25:44wet dreams

01:25:45may come

01:25:46all right

01:25:46snatch atoms

01:25:48that was scary

01:25:50a clown

01:25:51with a strap on

01:25:52fuck off

01:25:53you know

01:25:54Popeye

01:25:54I would watch

01:25:57Popeye

01:25:57be like

01:25:57Oh, God

01:25:58yes, Olive

01:25:58Oh, yeah, yeah

01:25:59come on now

01:25:59yeah

01:25:59blow me down

01:26:00yeah

01:26:02come on, Olive

01:26:03Oh, yeah

01:26:03you got no

01:26:04tits in a tape box

01:26:04yeah

01:26:05yeah

01:26:14cream

01:26:15my spinach

01:26:16yeah

01:26:16good night

01:26:23Woo

01:26:24oh my

01:26:25god

01:26:25oh my

01:26:54Thank you, thank you, wow this is ow wow

01:27:09Thank you baby, this is weird right now I feel like what are you going to do now smartass

01:27:15You just said no follow that good luck boy

01:27:19It's weird some people say I look like Bono and I'm going what the fuck are you on

01:27:24But it said that Bono was on stage recently in Scotland and it got very quiet like right now

01:27:28And he started clapping his hands and he said every time I clap my hands

01:27:32A child in Africa dies and from the back of the Scottish audience somebody went

01:27:36Then stop fucking clapping your hands

01:27:46It's weird though

01:27:47I want to do something kind of special right now and dedicate it to a friend of mine

01:27:50There's a man I knew

01:27:52It's a very interesting guy Walter Cronkite, incredible man

01:27:55And we worked together on a Disney project years ago

01:28:00And

01:28:03He was a very eloquent and elegant man but Walter had another side

01:28:06Basically he liked his jokes like he liked his ocean, a little blue

01:28:10So I would like to do a joke right now for Walter as Walter in his memory

01:28:14A man and his wife are having sex

01:28:20They're going at it hot and heavy

01:28:23Suddenly they hear a noise

01:28:27It's their little son Timmy standing in the doorway

01:28:32Timmy is shocked and runs out of the room

01:28:36The father goes, I'll go talk to Timmy

01:28:41He goes to Timmy's room, he opens the door

01:28:45And little Timmy is giving it hot and heavy to grandma

01:28:50The father goes, oh my god

01:28:53And little Timmy says, not so funny when it's your mother, is it?

01:29:00Good night

01:29:02Thank you DC

01:29:04God bless you

01:29:09May we have health care

01:29:11God bless you

01:29:12Have a good night

01:29:15Woo

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01:29:32Woo

Robin Williams - Weapons of Self Destruction [09]

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